Only Fools and Horses S00E01 — Christmas Crackers

Every line from “Christmas Crackers” (468 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E01 meme — “-You won't! -I will!”

00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:14# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:48Oh, yeah!
00:51Oi, Grandad, you wanna see this book Mickey Pierce lent me.
00:54It shows how to say filthy things to women without speaking.
00:59They can't set their brothers on you!
01:03Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
01:07-Have I got a choice? -Well, not really.
01:11Yeah, Grandad, I like 'em all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes!
01:17Oh, good. Well, dinner won't be long.
01:24Body Language?
01:26It's no good for you. You'd need an interpreter.
01:30Hiya! All right, Grandad? Dinner ruined yet?
01:34-Coming along nicely, Del Boy. -Good. Here y'are. Hang on.
01:38There's a score for you. Little Christmas pressie.
01:42Oh, cheers, Del, that's very nice of yer.
01:46I didn't get you nothing.
01:48I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:54I don't believe that! He took my money and gave me a rollicking!
01:59It's like being mugged by a magistrate!
02:02Oh, and...er...merry Christmas!
02:05And a partridge up your pear tree!
02:09What happened to you? I thought I'd see you down the Nag's Head
02:13for a pre-luncheon aperitif and some light conversation.
02:18You know, with them little head-bangers of yours.
02:21RODNEY: No.
02:22My stomach's a bit dicey. You know, burning pains.
02:27That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo!
02:30No, this is psychosomatic.
02:33Me brain is sending messages that Grandad's Christmas dinner is on its way!
02:41Have a butcher's in there. It's all smoke and smells! It's horrible.
02:45The potatoes look like lumps of anthracite.
02:50There's green stuff. I don't know what it is! I was gonna ask, then thought I'd wait for you.
02:56Why do you let him do it?
02:58Well, it's tradition.
02:59He's done it ever since Mum went.
03:02And cocked it up!
03:05What do you want? A sacre bleu chef or something?
03:09I don't fancy it any more than you, but what can we do about it, eh?
03:14Let's pretend we've both become vegetarians so that we don't have to eat the turkey.
03:18Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney.
03:21Then we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff!
03:27Well, I'll say I'm on hunger strike. Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
03:30Leave it out! I remember the last time you went on hunger strike
03:36over American Cruise missiles being based in Britain.
03:41You'd starve yourself till all the missiles were removed!
03:44-So? -So.
03:45That was eight months ago. The missiles are still here.
03:49More to the point, so are you!
03:52You went one and half days then got a curry!
03:55I was starving!
03:56That's the idea of it, you plonker!
04:00Come out of it!
04:01No, Grandad will never wear that.
04:05Anyway, cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life.
04:12All year, he sits watching them tellies
04:16like a unoiled redundant cog,
04:19but come Christmas, he knows he can whirr into action.
04:22It's his role in the family circle,
04:25makes him feel he has a part to play.
04:28That he's still needed.
04:31You wouldn't want to take that away from him for the sake of a little...
04:35-Botulism! -Well...
04:36No, no, all right, Del.
04:39Why don't you do what I do?
04:41Put it in your mouth and think of England.
04:45For all we know, this year it may turn out to be a gourmet's dream.
04:51I'll just strain the gravy, then I'll get it up.
05:10We must get a plug put on this!
05:21I'll have some wine, please, Rodney.
05:23Do you want gravy, Del?
05:27No, thanks, Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine.
05:31Thank you. Merci, merci.
05:44Oh, bain marie!
05:47I will say this for those frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine.
05:52Here, you know that shyster at the off-licence?
05:55He tried to palm me off with table wine!
05:58Must've thought I was a Philistine.
06:02I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though.
06:05"I don't want none of yer table wine," I said.
06:09"You get down in that cellar and get me a bottle of vin ordinaire!"
06:16Right...here we go.
06:26Not bad, Grandad.
06:30Slightly underdone, maybe.
06:33Slightly? I reckon the kiss of life would revive it!
06:37That's enough, Rodney.
06:39How's your guts now, Rodney?
06:43Not too bad now, Grandad, thank you very much.
06:47Hope you ain't got worms.
06:49He's doing it on purpose!
06:50That's enough you two. It's a dinner table.
06:54I mean, worms and all that.
06:57He's just got a burning sensation, haven't you?
07:00Yeah.
07:01Maybe they're glow worms!
07:06Oi, oi, what's your game?
07:09Can we change the subject?
07:10All right. There's no need to get overwrought. There you go.
07:19This turkey's lovely, Grandad.
07:22-Isn't it, Rodney? -Teriffic.
07:27Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:30-Eh? -Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:32-Who's Brenda and Terry? -Yeah.
07:34Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:36I dunno.
07:37What are you on about?
07:39We got a Christmas card from 'em.
07:42It said, "Love Brenda and Terry and the kids, Shirley, Shane and Shaun".
07:47-That's Brenda and Terry. -I know! But who is Brenda and Terry?
07:52-Shirley, Shane and Shaun's mum and dad. -Oh.
07:56Did we send them one back?
07:58How could we? We don't know who they are or where they live.
08:02Just as well with them rotten cards you bought!
08:06You didn't like them cause they came from a charity organisation!
08:10That's not fair.
08:13-Nobody likes a good cause better than me. -No.
08:15But with Christmas cards, you gotta be careful which charity you choose.
08:21What do you mean, careful?
08:24Well, some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends.
08:28It says, "Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad, and the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre"!
08:36You don't think that's a good cause?
08:39All I'm saying is that people prefer a traditional Christmas card,
08:45a wintry scene with snowmen, little robin redbreasts,
08:49not holly and mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe!
08:54You do me right up sometimes, Del!
08:56I don't know why they want drug addiction centres.
09:00Haven't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting?
09:07No, Grandad, they're not training centres.
09:11They... I give up! Can we change the subject again?
09:15We're going through subjects quicker than Mastermind!
09:23You didn't throw the giblets away, did ya?
09:27I only asked 'cause I promised 'em to the old girl downstairs for her cat!
09:31There weren't none. It was ready cleaned, said so on the box.
09:37Yeah, they put the giblets in a plastic bag in the turkey.
09:43Do they?
09:45Yeah.
09:50You took the bag out, didn't ya?
09:52I didn't know it was in there, Del.
09:54RODNEY: Oh, my god.
09:57You cooked it with everything still in it?
09:59Oh, my good God!
10:02It's like peering into the jaws of hell!
10:05Didn't you notice when you put the stuffing in?
10:09There's stuffing, too?
10:11There's everything in 'ere, Rodney!
10:13There's sage and onion, molten plastic and things!
10:19It's like Irish night at a delicatessen!
10:22I didn't know it was in there, Del Boy.
10:26Here, all right, all right. All right, Grandad.
10:30Don't get overwrought.
10:33It's over and done with.
10:35Don't upset yourself. It's like the French say, it's a fait a-complain.
10:50-What about the old afters then? -I'll go and get it.
11:04-Two to one... -All right, all right!
11:08Don't worry, 'cause custard is his forte.
11:12Ooh, my God!
11:17Do you like your Christmas pudding really well done?
11:37RINGMASTER ON TV: Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie will attempt the incredibly difficult triple somersaul
11:44Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Oslo!
11:59CAN CLICKS OPEN
12:13APPLAUSE ON TV
12:16SQUEAKS
12:20Sorry.
12:25I don't like circuses.
12:31-What? -I don't like circuses.
12:36-I never have liked 'em. -Teriffic.
12:41I never will like 'em.
12:43You made your point. Why not switch over?
12:53There's one on the other side!
12:56Is there? Pity you don't like 'em, cos you could be having a whale of a time!
13:02Put a sock in it for half an hour.
13:14Good living in a tower block, innit?
13:16Mustard, the Queen dunno what she's missing.
13:20Look at that view, eh? On a clear day you can see...
13:23the ground!
13:28Boring!
13:32Boring, boring, boring.
13:38HIGH-PITCHED # Boring! #
13:41Boring!
13:43I'll whack you one in a minute!
13:48Nothing's open and I'm bored!
13:51Hang about, I'll get on the phone and knock you up a mardi gras!
13:56Everyone's bored.
13:59Christmas is a religious festival. It's meant to be boring.
14:03We're celebrating the birth of our Lord, a time of great joy!
14:08That's why everything's closed.
14:10Everyone's enjoying themselves like us.
14:14-Enjoying themselves? -Yeah, where's me nuts?
14:22Take a look out there, Del! It's like a neutron bomb's hit it.
14:26The buildings are standing, but there's no sign of life.
14:32The British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
14:35We're charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom like a herd of them...
14:41What's them things what commit suicide?
14:44Japanese.
14:46No...lemmings! Like a herd of lemmings.
14:51Let's go out somewhere. There's bound to be a pub or club open.
14:55It's Christmas night, Rodney.
14:58The Monte Carlo Club is open. Then again, it's a bit rough.
15:02Ooh, rough? It's all those big men, drinking beer and burping!
15:07You big tart!
15:08Let's go then. We might pull a couple of birds.
15:14I don't wanna go out.
15:15You're boring, too!
15:17You're hardly a go on the big dipper!
15:19Why stay in?
15:21It may have slipped your notice, but three people live here.
15:26You, me and a scruffy little man who does funny things to turkeys, our grandfather!
15:32You're not suggesting we leave him on his own?
15:36We often leave him alone.
15:38But not on Christmas night.
15:41He wouldn't mind just this once.
15:45He'd pretend he wouldn't mind, but you don't know what he'd think sat in this flat all on his own.
15:52Thinking about the good old days
15:55when Mum and Dad were here
15:57and Christmas was a big family affair.
16:00And we're still family.
16:03We'll sit with Grandad and watch The Sound of Music.
16:06I hate that.
16:08-Switch over. -What's on?
16:10Circus!
16:12I want to go out, Del!
16:14Listen, there are a lot of old people tonight sitting on their own!
16:20Half of them don't get a Christmas card, let alone company.
16:24You'll stay in with me and Grandad. If I wanna go out, I'll go out!
16:29-You won't! -I will!
16:31-You won't, Rodney! -I will, Del!
16:33-You won't! -I will!
16:35-You won't! -I will!
16:36I'm off out now. See you later.
16:40Yeah, see you later. You won't!
16:42-I will! -Listen...
16:44Oi!
16:46Where do you think you're going?
16:48To the old folks Christmas do at the community centre.
16:52Anything's better than sitting here listening to you two arguing!
16:58Tell us what happens in The Sound of Music. See ya.
17:02Yes...see yer, Grandad.
17:06Well, that's terrific, that is?
17:09He goes out gallivanting and we have to watch Julie Andrews!
17:14No, brother, definitely not.
17:17Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo Club, eh?
17:20Yeah.
17:22I'll have a bath first cos there's hardly any hot water.
17:26You fix yourself a drink, make yourself comfy and watch the circus.
18:03Oi, John? Give us a Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice
18:08and...half a lager.
18:11-Hello, you all right, Earl? -Hello, Del, nice Christmas?
18:14Yeah, blinder. Where's the enemy?
18:17She took the kids over her mum's.
18:20How's the old man?
18:22Up and down like Tower Bridge.
18:25Still in hospital. Unconscious mostly. When he wakes up, he dunno where he is.
18:32Next time, when he comes round, you wish him a merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
18:38I will, Del.
18:39What's...what's wrong with him?
18:43Can't pronounce it.
18:47-How much is that? -98p.
18:50Here, keep the change.
18:52Listen, my son. This is what you wanna do.
18:56Get hold of one of them surgeons, the guys in the white jackets,
19:01and say you want some antibiotics.
19:04Anti-bio-tics.
19:11Hang on, I'll write it down for you.
19:12Rodney, gimme that Replay I gave you for Christmas.
19:18Don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
19:23That bunch of wallies?
19:25No, these are magic things, Earl.
19:28God knows where they get 'em. Remember when Grandad was in hospital?
19:34They gave him so many, one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better!
19:41There. Don't take it to a chemist, cos it ain't a prescription.
19:46No, I won't, Del Boy. Thanks a lot. That's really nice.
19:50Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear.
19:53Come on, Rodney.
19:56You are something else, you are!
19:58You've stuck your nose in before, but this takes the biscuit!
20:03Suddenly, you work miracles!
20:05Listen, Rodney, life has been gutting for Earl quite recently.
20:11He got made redundant. It's like that between him and his missus,
20:15then his old man collapses in the Nag's Head across from me and Trig.
20:20It was terrible! The glasses went flying.
20:24Was it serious?
20:26No, I only had that much left.
20:29I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
20:33He wanted to take his old man to Lourdes,
20:35but he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds, let alone Lourdes!
20:41I've just given him a bit of false hope.
20:44A light at the end of the tunnel, straw to grab at,
20:48bit of promise for the new year.
20:51MOUTHS
20:54What if he tells the hospital to give the drugs and it finishes the old man off?
21:00Leave it out! What do you think they are? Wallies?
21:05-You said... -Come on, you idiot!
21:09You're flash, ain't ya? You think you know the lot.
21:13Everything about you is...lairy!
21:18What do you mean, lairy?
21:20Look at the way you're dressed. You make a Christmas tree look sombre!
21:25And God knows how you've got the courage to wear all that gold!
21:30You must look like a mugger's pension scheme!
21:34How do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh? With his plumage!
21:40This is my plumage!
21:43When I approach a bird, she doesn't see the real me, young, good looking man about town, own teeth.
21:50She sees, in her subconscious,
21:53a white yacht floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay.
21:57-Is that right? -With you, it's a winkle barge at Southend!
22:03No, 'cause I don't need the bullion and the perfume and the white shoes,
22:07'cause I'm natural. I'm me, Del!
22:10I know you're you. That's why you end up with dogs!
22:13I do not!
22:14Leave it out, you've had more dogs than Crufts!
22:18-The cleaners found a muzzle in the pocket of your suit! -Shh!
22:24No, Rodney, I know the secret, so I blag the good 'uns,
22:27the air hostesses, the part-time models.
22:30Yes, bruv, I got the secret. Never fails me.
22:39Got a bone handy, Rodders? I think you've just cracked it again!
23:07Couldn't half do with a sit down, my pins ache!
23:09Look at us! The Peckham Playboys.
23:13Bet the only one who's pulled is Grandad!
23:16Only thing you pull at Christmas is your cracker!
23:20Look, there's a table free, Rodders. Look lively!
23:29-Hey, Del, look! -Oh, what?
23:33They pinched our table.
23:35Never mind, look at them two!
23:37I wanted to sit down.
23:39Well, sit at their table, come on!
23:48-Go on, then, Del. -Go on, what?
23:50Chat 'em up!
23:52How come I always do the donkey work?
23:55You're like a spy. You find out where the enemy is hiding, but I have to go do the capturing!
24:02-It's about time you took some shot and shell. Go on. -Me, chat 'em up?
24:09-Yeah, go on. -All right, I'll do it.
24:14-Well, go on, then. -I will.
24:23RODNEY PANTS
24:25-What are you doing? -Eh?
24:26-What are you doing? -Psyching myself up.
24:31It's OK, girls, he's just psyching himself up!
24:33Shut up, will you?
24:35Come on, behave yourself.
24:37-This is kamikaze time. Get over there. -I will in my own time, Del!
24:54Well, go on then!
24:56Just shut up, will ya?
25:09DEL: Oi! Soppy! Come here.
25:18I'd like to kill you sometimes. I'd really like to hurt you bad!
25:22What was that silly walk for?
25:24It wasn't a silly walk! It was body language!
25:28I thought you were limping.
25:30I was talking to 'em!
25:32What were you supposed to be saying?
25:35The walk was saying...
25:38pelvis, virility.
25:40It was saying, "Here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity."
25:46Looked more like, "Here comes a man with his truss on backwards!"
25:51Just don't do it. Don't do it.
25:54Go over again and, this time, walk normal.
25:58I won't go now. I looked a right lemon.
26:01You didn't. Go on.
26:03After aborting my attempt? You go.
26:06After you made a lemon of yourself? No way, bruv!
26:09Tell you what we'll do. We'll act cool.
26:14We'll stroll casually to the bar, then, when they're not looking...
26:20-Sneak out? -We'll sneak... No!
26:22When they're not looking, we'll ambush 'em! You wally. Come on.
26:47-Del... -I've got it!
26:49-No, but... -Shut up, shut UP!
26:52This is what we'll do. You're gonna leave the club.
26:56-Leave? -Yeah.
26:58Then, when you get outside, leave it a few minutes,
27:01then tell the doorman there's a new Rolls-Royce Corniche obstructing your three-wheel van.
27:08Why? 'Cause then he'll get on the mike and say, "Will the owner of the new Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:14"kindly move it, as it is obstructing a three-wheeled van."
27:17Then I will casually get up, jangling my keys, and join you outside.
27:26Why?
27:28'Cause them birds will think I drive a brand-new Rolls-Royce Corniche!
27:33Oh, yeah!
27:36Yeah, but they'll also think I drive a three-wheeled van!
27:40-You do! -I don't want them knowing that!
27:44They won't, cos you'll be outside.
27:48-With you. -Right!
27:51So, the girls will be in here in the warm,
27:54and we'll be outside congratulating each other,
27:59then we'll have to pay to get back in again.
28:07Yeah, all right, clever dick!
28:11We'll play it by ear. We'll just go and engage them in conversation.
28:15Right.
28:20-No, hold it, Del. -What?
28:22What sort of conversation will it be?
28:25You always say we've got flash cars and we're film producers with private jets!
28:32Everyone exaggerates, Rodney.
28:34Yeah, but I get embarrassed. Look, just tell 'em the truth, right?
28:39Just tell 'em what we do.
28:42All right. I just wanna sit down, you do the talking.
28:45Right.
28:47-No, hold it, Del. -Oh, God almighty!
28:50-What shall I say to them? -Well, I dunno.
28:55Tell them you went to an auction and bought a 1962 A40,
28:59that you sold 30 Christmas trees in the market and two gross of fire-salvage Rubix cubes!
29:06Tantalise them.
29:09-It won't bore them? -No.
29:12They won't have had such fun since their last exorcism!
29:14I can talk about Christmas!
29:16Tell them about the giblets.
29:19Come on.
29:22-No, Del, hold it. -Look, I shall kick you in the...shins! Now what?
29:28-Which one do you fancy? -Not yours!
29:31-They're both very nice. I ain't particular. -I ain't, neither.
29:37-Good. I'll have the blonde. -I fancy her!
29:40Gordon Bennett! Now listen, the dark-haired one is very nice.
29:46I reckon I've seen her coming out of Guy's Hospital.
29:50Either she's sick, or she's a nurse. You like nurses, eh? Particularly if they're in uniform.
29:58Take it or leave it. Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
30:03Of course not! You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club dressed like Sister George.
30:09But she might have it with her!
30:12Oh, yeah, in case she sees an accident on her way home.
30:17OK, so she hasn't got her uniform!
30:20On the other hand, she might have something for your stomach!
30:23We're going to make our move and I'll do the talking!
30:28So, if you should hear things like Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous!
30:34All right.
30:45You dozy little twonk, Rodney!
30:48Don't blame me, it's your fault!
30:51Five minutes ago, I was going and you kept calling me back!
30:54An hour ago, you called me back!
30:58'Cause you was doing the silly walk!
31:00Your timing was wrong. They'd hardly sat down and you were steaming over like Ivor the Engine!
31:07It's no good crashing in with a smile and a prayer.
31:11Women need time.
31:13My tactics never fail.
31:16Wouldn't do with the ones you chat up! I've heard your patter, my son.
31:21If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's Goodnight Vienna!
31:26With me, it's different. I consider a woman's feelings!
31:30SCOFFS
31:31I do! When a woman goes out with me, she is guaranteed three things.
31:38Well, four, actually, but the fourth is an optional extra!
31:41She's guaranteed a well-dressed man.
31:43GUFFAWS
31:45She is!
31:46She's guaranteed a steak meal and care and consideration.
31:51-Oh, now... -Oh, yes, she is!
31:54I consider a woman's feelings.
31:56It's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word,
32:02a badly timed gesture.
32:04No, I care about women's feelings.
32:07There's too much pain in this world without me causing more.
32:20Oh, no, Del...
32:22Excuse me, ladies, it's getting late and we were wondering if you were going home soon?
32:28Yes, we were just going to get our coats.
32:31Oh, good. We can have your chairs!
32:36Come on, Rodney! Excuse me. Come on.
32:41# We've got some half-price cracked ice
32:43# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
32:45# TVs, Deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
32:48# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
32:51# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
32:57# No income tax, no VAT
33:00# No money back, no guarantee
33:03# Black or white, rich or poor
33:06# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
33:11# God bless Hookey Street!
33:14# Viva Hookey Street!
33:17# Long live Hookey Street!
33:20# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
33:23# Magnifique, Hookey Street #