Only Fools and Horses S00E01 — Christmas Crackers

Every line from “Christmas Crackers” (468 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:14# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:48Oh, yeah!
00:51Oi, Grandad, you wanna see this book Mickey Pierce lent me.
00:54It shows how to say filthy things to women without speaking.
00:59They can't set their brothers on you!
01:03Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
01:07-Have I got a choice? -Well, not really.
01:11Yeah, Grandad, I like 'em all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes!
01:17Oh, good. Well, dinner won't be long.
01:24Body Language?
01:26It's no good for you. You'd need an interpreter.
01:30Hiya! All right, Grandad? Dinner ruined yet?
01:34-Coming along nicely, Del Boy. -Good. Here y'are. Hang on.
01:38There's a score for you. Little Christmas pressie.
01:42Oh, cheers, Del, that's very nice of yer.
01:46I didn't get you nothing.
01:48I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:54I don't believe that! He took my money and gave me a rollicking!
01:59It's like being mugged by a magistrate!
02:02Oh, and...er...merry Christmas!
02:05And a partridge up your pear tree!
02:09What happened to you? I thought I'd see you down the Nag's Head
02:13for a pre-luncheon aperitif and some light conversation.
02:18You know, with them little head-bangers of yours.
02:21RODNEY: No.
02:22My stomach's a bit dicey. You know, burning pains.
02:27That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo!
02:30No, this is psychosomatic.
02:33Me brain is sending messages that Grandad's Christmas dinner is on its way!
02:41Have a butcher's in there. It's all smoke and smells! It's horrible.
02:45The potatoes look like lumps of anthracite.
02:50There's green stuff. I don't know what it is! I was gonna ask, then thought I'd wait for you.
02:56Why do you let him do it?
02:58Well, it's tradition.
02:59He's done it ever since Mum went.
03:02And cocked it up!
03:05What do you want? A sacre bleu chef or something?
03:09I don't fancy it any more than you, but what can we do about it, eh?
03:14Let's pretend we've both become vegetarians so that we don't have to eat the turkey.
03:18Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney.
03:21Then we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff!
03:27Well, I'll say I'm on hunger strike. Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
03:30Leave it out! I remember the last time you went on hunger strike
03:36over American Cruise missiles being based in Britain.
03:41You'd starve yourself till all the missiles were removed!
03:44-So? -So.
03:45That was eight months ago. The missiles are still here.
03:49More to the point, so are you!
03:52You went one and half days then got a curry!
03:55I was starving!
03:56That's the idea of it, you plonker!
04:00Come out of it!
04:01No, Grandad will never wear that.
04:05Anyway, cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life.
04:12All year, he sits watching them tellies
04:16like a unoiled redundant cog,
04:19but come Christmas, he knows he can whirr into action.
04:22It's his role in the family circle,
04:25makes him feel he has a part to play.
04:28That he's still needed.
04:31You wouldn't want to take that away from him for the sake of a little...
04:35-Botulism! -Well...
04:36No, no, all right, Del.
04:39Why don't you do what I do?
04:41Put it in your mouth and think of England.
04:45For all we know, this year it may turn out to be a gourmet's dream.
04:51I'll just strain the gravy, then I'll get it up.
05:10We must get a plug put on this!
05:21I'll have some wine, please, Rodney.
05:23Do you want gravy, Del?
05:27No, thanks, Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine.
05:31Thank you. Merci, merci.
05:44Oh, bain marie!
05:47I will say this for those frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine.
05:52Here, you know that shyster at the off-licence?
05:55He tried to palm me off with table wine!
05:58Must've thought I was a Philistine.
06:02I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though.
06:05"I don't want none of yer table wine," I said.
06:09"You get down in that cellar and get me a bottle of vin ordinaire!"
06:16Right...here we go.
06:26Not bad, Grandad.
06:30Slightly underdone, maybe.
06:33Slightly? I reckon the kiss of life would revive it!
06:37That's enough, Rodney.
06:39How's your guts now, Rodney?
06:43Not too bad now, Grandad, thank you very much.
06:47Hope you ain't got worms.
06:49He's doing it on purpose!
06:50That's enough you two. It's a dinner table.
06:54I mean, worms and all that.
06:57He's just got a burning sensation, haven't you?
07:00Yeah.
07:01Maybe they're glow worms!
07:06Oi, oi, what's your game?
07:09Can we change the subject?
07:10All right. There's no need to get overwrought. There you go.
07:19This turkey's lovely, Grandad.
07:22-Isn't it, Rodney? -Teriffic.
07:27Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:30-Eh? -Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:32-Who's Brenda and Terry? -Yeah.
07:34Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:36I dunno.
07:37What are you on about?
07:39We got a Christmas card from 'em.
07:42It said, "Love Brenda and Terry and the kids, Shirley, Shane and Shaun".
07:47-That's Brenda and Terry. -I know! But who is Brenda and Terry?
07:52-Shirley, Shane and Shaun's mum and dad. -Oh.
07:56Did we send them one back?
07:58How could we? We don't know who they are or where they live.
08:02Just as well with them rotten cards you bought!
08:06You didn't like them cause they came from a charity organisation!
08:10That's not fair.
08:13-Nobody likes a good cause better than me. -No.
08:15But with Christmas cards, you gotta be careful which charity you choose.
08:21What do you mean, careful?
08:24Well, some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends.
08:28It says, "Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad, and the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre"!
08:36You don't think that's a good cause?
08:39All I'm saying is that people prefer a traditional Christmas card,
08:45a wintry scene with snowmen, little robin redbreasts,
08:49not holly and mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe!
08:54You do me right up sometimes, Del!
08:56I don't know why they want drug addiction centres.
09:00Haven't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting?
09:07No, Grandad, they're not training centres.
09:11They... I give up! Can we change the subject again?
09:15We're going through subjects quicker than Mastermind!
09:23You didn't throw the giblets away, did ya?
09:27I only asked 'cause I promised 'em to the old girl downstairs for her cat!
09:31There weren't none. It was ready cleaned, said so on the box.
09:37Yeah, they put the giblets in a plastic bag in the turkey.
09:43Do they?
09:45Yeah.
09:50You took the bag out, didn't ya?
09:52I didn't know it was in there, Del.
09:54RODNEY: Oh, my god.
09:57You cooked it with everything still in it?
09:59Oh, my good God!
10:02It's like peering into the jaws of hell!
10:05Didn't you notice when you put the stuffing in?
10:09There's stuffing, too?
10:11There's everything in 'ere, Rodney!
10:13There's sage and onion, molten plastic and things!
10:19It's like Irish night at a delicatessen!
10:22I didn't know it was in there, Del Boy.
10:26Here, all right, all right. All right, Grandad.
10:30Don't get overwrought.
10:33It's over and done with.
10:35Don't upset yourself. It's like the French say, it's a fait a-complain.
10:50-What about the old afters then? -I'll go and get it.
11:04-Two to one... -All right, all right!
11:08Don't worry, 'cause custard is his forte.
11:12Ooh, my God!
11:17Do you like your Christmas pudding really well done?
11:37RINGMASTER ON TV: Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie will attempt the incredibly difficult triple somersaul
11:44Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Oslo!
11:59CAN CLICKS OPEN
12:13APPLAUSE ON TV
12:16SQUEAKS
12:20Sorry.
12:25I don't like circuses.
12:31-What? -I don't like circuses.
12:36-I never have liked 'em. -Teriffic.
12:41I never will like 'em.
12:43You made your point. Why not switch over?
12:53There's one on the other side!
12:56Is there? Pity you don't like 'em, cos you could be having a whale of a time!
13:02Put a sock in it for half an hour.
13:14Good living in a tower block, innit?
13:16Mustard, the Queen dunno what she's missing.
13:20Look at that view, eh? On a clear day you can see...
13:23the ground!
13:28Boring!
13:32Boring, boring, boring.
13:38HIGH-PITCHED # Boring! #
13:41Boring!
13:43I'll whack you one in a minute!
13:48Nothing's open and I'm bored!
13:51Hang about, I'll get on the phone and knock you up a mardi gras!
13:56Everyone's bored.
13:59Christmas is a religious festival. It's meant to be boring.
14:03We're celebrating the birth of our Lord, a time of great joy!
14:08That's why everything's closed.
14:10Everyone's enjoying themselves like us.
14:14-Enjoying themselves? -Yeah, where's me nuts?
14:22Take a look out there, Del! It's like a neutron bomb's hit it.
14:26The buildings are standing, but there's no sign of life.
14:32The British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
14:35We're charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom like a herd of them...
14:41What's them things what commit suicide?
14:44Japanese.
14:46No...lemmings! Like a herd of lemmings.
14:51Let's go out somewhere. There's bound to be a pub or club open.
14:55It's Christmas night, Rodney.
14:58The Monte Carlo Club is open. Then again, it's a bit rough.
15:02Ooh, rough? It's all those big men, drinking beer and burping!
15:07You big tart!
15:08Let's go then. We might pull a couple of birds.
15:14I don't wanna go out.
15:15You're boring, too!
15:17You're hardly a go on the big dipper!
15:19Why stay in?
15:21It may have slipped your notice, but three people live here.
15:26You, me and a scruffy little man who does funny things to turkeys, our grandfather!
15:32You're not suggesting we leave him on his own?
15:36We often leave him alone.
15:38But not on Christmas night.
15:41He wouldn't mind just this once.
15:45He'd pretend he wouldn't mind, but you don't know what he'd think sat in this flat all on his own.
15:52Thinking about the good old days
15:55when Mum and Dad were here
15:57and Christmas was a big family affair.
16:00And we're still family.
16:03We'll sit with Grandad and watch The Sound of Music.
16:06I hate that.
16:08-Switch over. -What's on?
16:10Circus!
16:12I want to go out, Del!
16:14Listen, there are a lot of old people tonight sitting on their own!
16:20Half of them don't get a Christmas card, let alone company.
16:24You'll stay in with me and Grandad. If I wanna go out, I'll go out!
16:29-You won't! -I will!
16:31-You won't, Rodney! -I will, Del!
16:33-You won't! -I will!
16:35-You won't! -I will!
16:36I'm off out now. See you later.
16:40Yeah, see you later. You won't!
16:42-I will! -Listen...
16:44Oi!
16:46Where do you think you're going?
16:48To the old folks Christmas do at the community centre.
16:52Anything's better than sitting here listening to you two arguing!
16:58Tell us what happens in The Sound of Music. See ya.
17:02Yes...see yer, Grandad.
17:06Well, that's terrific, that is?
17:09He goes out gallivanting and we have to watch Julie Andrews!
17:14No, brother, definitely not.
17:17Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo Club, eh?
17:20Yeah.
17:22I'll have a bath first cos there's hardly any hot water.
17:26You fix yourself a drink, make yourself comfy and watch the circus.
18:03Oi, John? Give us a Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice
18:08and...half a lager.
18:11-Hello, you all right, Earl? -Hello, Del, nice Christmas?
18:14Yeah, blinder. Where's the enemy?
18:17She took the kids over her mum's.
18:20How's the old man?
18:22Up and down like Tower Bridge.
18:25Still in hospital. Unconscious mostly. When he wakes up, he dunno where he is.
18:32Next time, when he comes round, you wish him a merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
18:38I will, Del.
18:39What's...what's wrong with him?
18:43Can't pronounce it.
18:47-How much is that? -98p.
18:50Here, keep the change.
18:52Listen, my son. This is what you wanna do.
18:56Get hold of one of them surgeons, the guys in the white jackets,
19:01and say you want some antibiotics.
19:04Anti-bio-tics.
19:11Hang on, I'll write it down for you.
19:12Rodney, gimme that Replay I gave you for Christmas.
19:18Don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
19:23That bunch of wallies?
19:25No, these are magic things, Earl.
19:28God knows where they get 'em. Remember when Grandad was in hospital?
19:34They gave him so many, one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better!
19:41There. Don't take it to a chemist, cos it ain't a prescription.
19:46No, I won't, Del Boy. Thanks a lot. That's really nice.
19:50Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear.
19:53Come on, Rodney.
19:56You are something else, you are!
19:58You've stuck your nose in before, but this takes the biscuit!
20:03Suddenly, you work miracles!
20:05Listen, Rodney, life has been gutting for Earl quite recently.
20:11He got made redundant. It's like that between him and his missus,
20:15then his old man collapses in the Nag's Head across from me and Trig.
20:20It was terrible! The glasses went flying.
20:24Was it serious?
20:26No, I only had that much left.
20:29I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
20:33He wanted to take his old man to Lourdes,
20:35but he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds, let alone Lourdes!
20:41I've just given him a bit of false hope.
20:44A light at the end of the tunnel, straw to grab at,
20:48bit of promise for the new year.
20:51MOUTHS
20:54What if he tells the hospital to give the drugs and it finishes the old man off?
21:00Leave it out! What do you think they are? Wallies?
21:05-You said... -Come on, you idiot!
21:09You're flash, ain't ya? You think you know the lot.
21:13Everything about you is...lairy!
21:18What do you mean, lairy?
21:20Look at the way you're dressed. You make a Christmas tree look sombre!
21:25And God knows how you've got the courage to wear all that gold!
21:30You must look like a mugger's pension scheme!
21:34How do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh? With his plumage!
21:40This is my plumage!
21:43When I approach a bird, she doesn't see the real me, young, good looking man about town, own teeth.
21:50She sees, in her subconscious,
21:53a white yacht floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay.
21:57-Is that right? -With you, it's a winkle barge at Southend!
22:03No, 'cause I don't need the bullion and the perfume and the white shoes,
22:07'cause I'm natural. I'm me, Del!
22:10I know you're you. That's why you end up with dogs!
22:13I do not!
22:14Leave it out, you've had more dogs than Crufts!
22:18-The cleaners found a muzzle in the pocket of your suit! -Shh!
22:24No, Rodney, I know the secret, so I blag the good 'uns,
22:27the air hostesses, the part-time models.
22:30Yes, bruv, I got the secret. Never fails me.
22:39Got a bone handy, Rodders? I think you've just cracked it again!
23:07Couldn't half do with a sit down, my pins ache!
23:09Look at us! The Peckham Playboys.
23:13Bet the only one who's pulled is Grandad!
23:16Only thing you pull at Christmas is your cracker!
23:20Look, there's a table free, Rodders. Look lively!
23:29-Hey, Del, look! -Oh, what?
23:33They pinched our table.
23:35Never mind, look at them two!
23:37I wanted to sit down.
23:39Well, sit at their table, come on!
23:48-Go on, then, Del. -Go on, what?
23:50Chat 'em up!
23:52How come I always do the donkey work?
23:55You're like a spy. You find out where the enemy is hiding, but I have to go do the capturing!
24:02-It's about time you took some shot and shell. Go on. -Me, chat 'em up?
24:09-Yeah, go on. -All right, I'll do it.
24:14-Well, go on, then. -I will.
24:23RODNEY PANTS
24:25-What are you doing? -Eh?
24:26-What are you doing? -Psyching myself up.
24:31It's OK, girls, he's just psyching himself up!
24:33Shut up, will you?
24:35Come on, behave yourself.
24:37-This is kamikaze time. Get over there. -I will in my own time, Del!
24:54Well, go on then!
24:56Just shut up, will ya?
25:09DEL: Oi! Soppy! Come here.
25:18I'd like to kill you sometimes. I'd really like to hurt you bad!
25:22What was that silly walk for?
25:24It wasn't a silly walk! It was body language!
25:28I thought you were limping.
25:30I was talking to 'em!
25:32What were you supposed to be saying?
25:35The walk was saying...
25:38pelvis, virility.
25:40It was saying, "Here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity."
25:46Looked more like, "Here comes a man with his truss on backwards!"
25:51Just don't do it. Don't do it.
25:54Go over again and, this time, walk normal.
25:58I won't go now. I looked a right lemon.
26:01You didn't. Go on.
26:03After aborting my attempt? You go.
26:06After you made a lemon of yourself? No way, bruv!
26:09Tell you what we'll do. We'll act cool.
26:14We'll stroll casually to the bar, then, when they're not looking...
26:20-Sneak out? -We'll sneak... No!
26:22When they're not looking, we'll ambush 'em! You wally. Come on.
26:47-Del... -I've got it!
26:49-No, but... -Shut up, shut UP!
26:52This is what we'll do. You're gonna leave the club.
26:56-Leave? -Yeah.
26:58Then, when you get outside, leave it a few minutes,
27:01then tell the doorman there's a new Rolls-Royce Corniche obstructing your three-wheel van.
27:08Why? 'Cause then he'll get on the mike and say, "Will the owner of the new Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:14"kindly move it, as it is obstructing a three-wheeled van."
27:17Then I will casually get up, jangling my keys, and join you outside.
27:26Why?
27:28'Cause them birds will think I drive a brand-new Rolls-Royce Corniche!
27:33Oh, yeah!
27:36Yeah, but they'll also think I drive a three-wheeled van!
27:40-You do! -I don't want them knowing that!
27:44They won't, cos you'll be outside.
27:48-With you. -Right!
27:51So, the girls will be in here in the warm,
27:54and we'll be outside congratulating each other,
27:59then we'll have to pay to get back in again.
28:07Yeah, all right, clever dick!
28:11We'll play it by ear. We'll just go and engage them in conversation.
28:15Right.
28:20-No, hold it, Del. -What?
28:22What sort of conversation will it be?
28:25You always say we've got flash cars and we're film producers with private jets!
28:32Everyone exaggerates, Rodney.
28:34Yeah, but I get embarrassed. Look, just tell 'em the truth, right?
28:39Just tell 'em what we do.
28:42All right. I just wanna sit down, you do the talking.
28:45Right.
28:47-No, hold it, Del. -Oh, God almighty!
28:50-What shall I say to them? -Well, I dunno.
28:55Tell them you went to an auction and bought a 1962 A40,
28:59that you sold 30 Christmas trees in the market and two gross of fire-salvage Rubix cubes!
29:06Tantalise them.
29:09-It won't bore them? -No.
29:12They won't have had such fun since their last exorcism!
29:14I can talk about Christmas!
29:16Tell them about the giblets.
29:19Come on.
29:22-No, Del, hold it. -Look, I shall kick you in the...shins! Now what?
29:28-Which one do you fancy? -Not yours!
29:31-They're both very nice. I ain't particular. -I ain't, neither.
29:37-Good. I'll have the blonde. -I fancy her!
29:40Gordon Bennett! Now listen, the dark-haired one is very nice.
29:46I reckon I've seen her coming out of Guy's Hospital.
29:50Either she's sick, or she's a nurse. You like nurses, eh? Particularly if they're in uniform.
29:58Take it or leave it. Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
30:03Of course not! You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club dressed like Sister George.
30:09But she might have it with her!
30:12Oh, yeah, in case she sees an accident on her way home.
30:17OK, so she hasn't got her uniform!
30:20On the other hand, she might have something for your stomach!
30:23We're going to make our move and I'll do the talking!
30:28So, if you should hear things like Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous!
30:34All right.
30:45You dozy little twonk, Rodney!
30:48Don't blame me, it's your fault!
30:51Five minutes ago, I was going and you kept calling me back!
30:54An hour ago, you called me back!
30:58'Cause you was doing the silly walk!
31:00Your timing was wrong. They'd hardly sat down and you were steaming over like Ivor the Engine!
31:07It's no good crashing in with a smile and a prayer.
31:11Women need time.
31:13My tactics never fail.
31:16Wouldn't do with the ones you chat up! I've heard your patter, my son.
31:21If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's Goodnight Vienna!
31:26With me, it's different. I consider a woman's feelings!
31:30SCOFFS
31:31I do! When a woman goes out with me, she is guaranteed three things.
31:38Well, four, actually, but the fourth is an optional extra!
31:41She's guaranteed a well-dressed man.
31:43GUFFAWS
31:45She is!
31:46She's guaranteed a steak meal and care and consideration.
31:51-Oh, now... -Oh, yes, she is!
31:54I consider a woman's feelings.
31:56It's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word,
32:02a badly timed gesture.
32:04No, I care about women's feelings.
32:07There's too much pain in this world without me causing more.
32:20Oh, no, Del...
32:22Excuse me, ladies, it's getting late and we were wondering if you were going home soon?
32:28Yes, we were just going to get our coats.
32:31Oh, good. We can have your chairs!
32:36Come on, Rodney! Excuse me. Come on.
32:41# We've got some half-price cracked ice
32:43# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
32:45# TVs, Deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
32:48# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
32:51# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
32:57# No income tax, no VAT
33:00# No money back, no guarantee
33:03# Black or white, rich or poor
33:06# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
33:11# God bless Hookey Street!
33:14# Viva Hookey Street!
33:17# Long live Hookey Street!
33:20# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
33:23# Magnifique, Hookey Street #