Only Fools and Horses S00E03 — Diamonds Are for Heather

Every line from “Diamonds Are for Heather” (327 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11# If you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions Brother, I'm your man
00:18# Cos where it comes from is a mystery Like the seasons and the sea
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work?
00:33# La, la, la-la La, la, la, la-la... #
00:38# Vamos a la playa
00:41# Caliente el sol
00:44# Chee-bee, dee-bee, dee Ba-ba, ba-bam
00:49# Chee-bee, dee-bee, dee Ba-ba, ba-bam... #
00:57He's good, ain't he, Del-boy?
00:59Wish I could say that about this chicken.Is it tough?Tough?
01:04Toughest I've known! It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!
01:10Come on, what's upset you?Nothing. Don't worry about me, Rodney.
01:15I'm not! I'm worried about the fiver I spent on this ticket! What's the matter?!
01:22I went to Lenny Morris's kid's christening today.
01:27It was just this...fantastic atmosphere - his mum and dad were there, his wife...
01:33his little baby... And I thought, he's got all his family round him - a REAL family...
01:40And what haveIgot?
01:43You've got US. Yeah, I thought of that.
01:47That's when I left!
01:49That rich bird he was seeing, with the nose, she gave him the heave-ho.
01:56No? Well, that explains it. Del and I hoped to sell some gear to her.What gear?
02:03Her dad left her a chain of launderettes, so Del's got hold of two tons of Persil!
02:09Now, don't say nothing. He told me in confidence.No, no.
02:14Here you are. Get some of this down your neck.
02:18Come on, Del, cheer up! Let's have a family sing-song, like in the old days, eh?
02:25All right. Go on, Rodney, start us off.Right, all together!
02:30#We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried line...#
02:40Oi, Enrico! Enrico, come here!
02:43Si, senor.Do us a favour, will you?
02:46Sing Old Shep for me, will you?
02:48Not Old Shep again! You can't enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog!
02:58Sing Old Shep. SPANISH ACCENT: It's not possible to sing this song.
03:04It is, how you say? A tragic song. It makes the tears fall from the eyes.
03:10Go on! Sing Old Shep!
03:14COCKNEY ACCENT: Del-boy, I've got a living to earn! That song's a killer!
03:21Once I've sung that, the evening's finished! I'll sing another song for you, eh?
03:27Any other song.
03:30But no way do I sing Old Shep.
03:37Sing Old Shep.
03:41SPANISH ACCENT: # When I was a lad
03:45# And Old Shep was a pup
03:49# Over hills and meadows we roamed
03:56# Just a boy and his pup
04:00# We were just full of fun
04:04# We grew up together that way
04:11# But if dogs have a heaven
04:15# There's one thing I know
04:19# Old Shep has
04:22# a wonderfu-u-u-l
04:26# ho-o-o-o-o-o-ome. #
04:31Bravo!
04:34Bravo, Enrico! Di Stefano, my son!
04:37Di Stefano! Puskas! Puskas!
04:41That is my most favourite song about a dog.
04:46Yeah, as songs about dead dogs go, it's a real mind-bender, innit(?)
04:51Trouble is, nobody likes it! Yes, they do! I like it! And that young lady likes it!
05:01Excuse me, gentlemen. I think I've got a cultural encounter coming on!
05:07Del, ask your encounter if she's all right for Persil!
05:22Good evening.Hello.D'you mind if I park my bot?No, please.
05:27Drink?No, thank you.
05:29Well, that was, er... Oh, sorry!
05:32Lovely song, that. Beautiful, eh?
05:35Gets me right here. Brings back such...poignant memories. Did you have an old dog?
05:42I've had many old dogs in my time!
05:45Er, sorry. Er, what did you say your name was?Heather.Heather.
05:51That's a beautiful name, Heather. One of my most favourite names. I'm Del - short for Derek.
05:59Do you know what "Derek" means? No, I don't.
06:03No, nor do I. I must check it up.
06:07I'm surprised to see such a charming young lady alone. I'm meant to be meeting someone.
06:14A girlfriend. She hasn't shown up, so I'm just leaving.Well, now he's sung that song it's dead in here.
06:22Don't think I'm being forward, but do you fancy a drink in a nightclub I know?
06:29I'm not sure. It's getting home.I can drop you off. D'you live local?
06:35Brixton.Brixton? Do you really?
06:37Funny I haven't see you before,
06:40cos I do a lot of work down there, you know. What line are you in?
06:46Um... I'm a importer-exporter of quality merchandise.
06:52Antiques, that sort of thing. I specialise in Parisian haute couture fashion,
06:59and objets d'art - modern works of art... Sounds fascinating!Oh, yes, it is!
07:05Hey, if you're interested, I've got some very cheap washing powder.
07:11No, straight.
07:19CRASH! Sorry about the light.
07:23The landlord took the bulb out.
07:26Says he's doing his bit to conserve world energy.
07:31A rent collector AND a Friend Of The Earth!
07:35Oh, mind the step. AOW!
07:40Well, this is it.
07:43Told you it wasn't much of a flat, didn't I?Oh, it could be worse.
07:48How? Could've been on the top floor.
07:59Serve-moi fraisse.
08:02Moi, non glace...
08:04as they would say in France. Oh, true, very true.
08:11I didn't hear you come in. Sorry I'm late, love. Del took me to a nightclub.
08:18Er... Only being friendly, you know?!
08:26Del, let me introduce you. This is Brian. Brian lives downstairs. He's my babysitter.
08:36Oh? Well, um, pleased to meet you, Brian.Nice to meet you too.
08:41Well, I won't stop. I've got some studying to catch up on.
08:46Brian goes away to university soon.
08:49Bit long in the tooth for that lark, aren't you?
08:53I'm a mature student!Oh. My brother went to uni.What was he reading?
08:59God knows! Mayfair and Penthouse, knowing him!
09:03Yes, well, must be going. See you in the week, Heather.
09:07Thanks, Brian. Hope he didn't annoy you too much.
09:11No... I must get used to people like him.
09:18No! I meant the baby!Oh, sorry!
09:21No, no, no. He was as good as gold.
09:24Bye for now.Bye. Mind the step.
09:27I didn't, er, know you had a baby.
09:30Well, he's not a baby now. He's 3½. That's a picture of him there.
09:35..Blimey, he's a big lad for his age, eh?
09:39No! That's Vic, my husband!Oh. That's Darren.Oh!
09:44Cor, he's a little cracker, eh?!
09:47Where's your husband...these days?
09:50I dunno. And I don't really care. He said he was going to the Job Centre to sign on.
09:57That was 18 months ago.
09:59The way things are, he could still be queuing!
10:04When we got engaged, Vic had the choice between going on holiday with his mates or buying me a ring.
10:12Did he send you a postcard? Like hell he did!
10:17I don't think he was ever meant to be married. Too much responsibility.
10:23I used to say to him, "Vic, you've got a baby now. Isn't it time you sorted yourself out?"
10:30Oh, God! I'm sorry, Del. There's nothing worse than having your ear bent by somebody else's problems!
10:38I'm just tired. Yeah, well, I'd better be off.
10:43I've got an early call in the morning. Gotta get down to, er, Peckham by seven,
10:50pick up a consignment of fire-damaged woks.
10:55I'll be, er, finished by about ten.
10:58I wonder if you fancy going for lunch.I'd love to! I'll see if Brian'll babysit again.
11:06No, no, you AND the boy. Sure?Yeah.Most men don't want to know when you've got a baby.
11:14Yeah, well, I'm NOT "most men", Heather.
11:24Yeah, OK... Well, er...
11:26I'll, um... I'll see you about eleven, right? Tomorrow.All right, then.OK, then.Bye, then.Ta-ra.
11:36DULL THUD >
11:38Oh, mind the ste...AAAAAAAAAH! CRASH! >
12:04# Zoom, just one look And then my heart went boom
12:09# Suddenly And we were on the moon
12:14# Flying high in a neon sky
12:19# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
12:23# Bang, just one touch And all the church bells rang
12:29# Heaven called And all the angels sang
12:34# Sunrise shines On the midnight sky
12:38# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
12:41# Zoom You chased the day away-ay-ay-ay-ay
12:48# High no-oo-oo-oon
12:52# The moon and stars Came out to play
12:58# Then
13:00# My whole wide world
13:03# Was zoom
13:06# Moonbeams dancing In the afternoon
13:10# Shadows glowing... # I don't think it's funny!
13:14# ..Looking down On a wonderla-a-and
13:19# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
13:22# Zoom You chased the day away-ay-ay-ay-ay
13:30# High noo-oo-oon
13:33# The moon and stars Came out to play
13:41# Zoom You chased the day away-ay-ay-ay-ay
13:48# High noo-oo-oon
13:52# The moon and stars Came out to play
13:57# And the-e-en... #
14:00Come on, Darren. Kick the ball to your Uncle Del.
14:09Good boy!
14:11Good ball. Good ball, my son.
14:14Let's see you come out the goal.
14:23This way!
14:25Good boy! You'll play for England one of these days.
14:31What d'you reckon, Rodney? He could play for England now, eh? He's better than that load of rubbish.
14:39Just have a look at him, will you?
14:41He's like a born-again Ovalteeny!
14:44He's only known the kid for, what, six weeks? Look at him!
14:49He spends most of his time on them climbing frames and swings and what have you!
14:57I saw the caretaker tell him off for coming down the slide backwards!
15:02Backwards?! That's a bit dangerous, innit?!
15:06All his conkers and marbles could've fallen out of his pocket!
15:15Gi's it, Rodney.
15:18What's the joke?Nothing much.
15:21We was just talking about wallies, that's all.Your name cropped up.
15:27Not so much of it!
15:31Here you are, Darren!
15:34I wish he'd get rid of this sign.
15:38When I sit in the passenger seat, people look at me sort of...funny.
15:43I wouldn't let that bother you, Rodney.No?No.
15:48They probably just think you're a poof!
15:54A poof(!)
16:06You must've spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors.
16:13My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror.
16:22Up until I was four, I thought you was twins!
16:28If you're trying to wind me up, it won't work. No way, bruv.
16:33Cos tonight is a very happy and very special night for me.
16:37Is it Cubs night?
16:40No, it ain't Cubs night! Come on, Rodney, how do I look?
16:45Like a second-hand car trader.Oh? Thanks, Rod. Er, about Heather and Darren coming over for Christmas...
16:53You don't mind? You like Heather, don't you, Rod?Yeah, she's OK.
16:59And, Granddad, you like Darren, eh? Not a noisy little brat, is he? No, he's a good little kid.Yeah.
17:08Here, Rod.Hm?How d'you feel about Heather becoming your sister-in-law?What?!
17:16Not now! Some time in the future! I haven't even said to her yet!
17:21Don't want to jump me guns. Eh?
17:23Well, I'm not fussed.
17:26She won't live here with that little brat, will she?!No...
17:31We've applied for a council house.
17:36Well, where's me, er, billy goat? Oh, here it is. I'm off out, then.
17:41Taking Heather for an evening she will NEVER forget!
17:46Soft lights, music, champagne and, of course, the very, very finest of foods...
17:53I only hope she likes curry!
18:06Well.
18:10Well, I suppose it was always on the cards. I think they'll be happy together, eh?
18:17Oh, yeah, she'll look after him.
18:19Yeah, and he thinks the world of that kid, don't he?
18:24And they fit so neatly into his style of living -
18:28fast foods, ready-to-wear suits...
18:31Now he's got an instant family, eh?!
18:34I'm... I'm pleased for him.
18:37You're forgetting something, Rodney.
18:40If Del-boy moves in with his off-the-peg next of kin,
18:45who the hell pays the rent, gas and electric here, eh?!
18:56We'll have chicken tikka off the bone, a mutton Madras,
19:01two onion bajis, four popadums,
19:04some nan bread and two portions of rice.Which rice would you like?
19:10Have you got any Uncle Ben's?
19:16No, sir. Pilau rice, basmati rice or plain white rice.
19:21The pilau rice. And take the feathers out first!
19:25Oh, and, Tony, a bottle of your finest champagne. All right, son? Yes, sir.Thank you.
19:32You're pushing the boat out a bit, aren't you?I'm celebrating. Celebrating what?
19:39Sold all them Chinese woks?No, I've got a bit lumbered with them.
19:44I'm giving them away free with packets of Persil!
19:48What's the champagne in aid of?
19:51Well...
19:57Christmas.
20:00What IS it? Open it and see!
20:07Del!
20:09Well?
20:13Oh, it's lovely!
20:16Got it off this mate of mine, Abdul.
20:19He gets a discount at Hatton Garden.
20:24Del...is this an engagement ring?
20:28No, it's a set of socket spanners!
20:30Of course it's an engagement ring!
20:34I CAN change it. I remembered you said you liked solitaire diamonds,
20:39so I thought, I'll get a cluster of solitaires.
20:47No... No, it's a beautiful ring, Del.
20:51What's up, then?
20:54It's Vic.
20:57Is your nose blocked up?
21:02No.
21:06No, it's Vic, my husband.Oh.
21:09What about him? He wrote to me last week.
21:13Last week? You didn't mention it.
21:16I know. I've been trying to find the right moment to bring it up.
21:21He's living in Southampton.Yeah? Got himself a nice flat apparently.
21:26He wants me and Darren to move down there with him. You know, try again.
21:32See if we can make it work this time.Oh? Yeah, well...
21:38I mean, you're not going to believe all that old pony, are you?
21:45Are you?
21:47The thing is, Del, he IS still my husband.
21:51He's Darren's father. I owe it to him.
21:56Oh, come on, Heather! He don't care a monkey's about you and Darren!
22:01What did Vic do when it got heavy?! Put on his hiking boots and had it away on his toes!
22:08You don't know what he's like! I do! He's exactly like my old man! It wasn't ALL his fault.
22:16He was unemployed. All he wanted was a regular job.
22:20You've no idea the pressure that has on a family.
22:24Well, he's got a job now in a department store.Oh? Doing what?
22:29He's a Father Christmas.
22:33That's a steady little number, eh?! Free uniform, luncheon vouchers,
22:38forty-eight weeks holiday a year!
22:43I still love him.
22:48What about me?
22:51I love YOU, Del... but not in THAT way. I feel for you the way someone would feel for...
22:58A goldfish or a gerbil? No!
23:02Like a brother. I feel for you the way you feel for Rodney.
23:08I thought you LIKED me!
23:11Heather, I thought you and I had an understanding.Honestly, Del, I never knew you felt so strongly.
23:19I mean, you never said anything. No...
23:23I'm not a poet, Heather.
23:26I can't do all that lovey-dovey stuff.
23:30I FEEL things...
23:32but when I try to say them, they...always come out...
23:37wallyish.
23:39I thought it was obvious the way that I felt for you.
23:44What else could I have done?
23:47I don't know. A sign or something.
23:51What? Tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree?
23:57I leave next Tuesday. Will you come round and say goodbye to Darren?
24:08No.
24:10He really took to you.
24:13You like kids, don't you?
24:15Yeah.
24:18I used to go to school with a lot of them.
24:22It's a beautiful ring, Del.
24:25Thank you.
24:28Normally I'd let you keep it but...
24:31I've only got it on a week's approval.
24:35I'm not hungry now, Del. I think I'll go.
24:42It's all right. I'll get a taxi.
25:06CAROL SINGERS: # Saviour, Lord, at Thy birth
25:13# Silent night
25:16# Holy night
25:20# All is calm
25:23# All is bright
25:27# Round yon virgin Mother and child
25:34# Holy infant So tender and mild
25:41# Sleep in heavenly peace
25:48# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
25:57# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
26:02# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year!
26:07# Good tidings we bring To you and your king
26:12# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year!
26:17# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
26:23# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year! # Are you sure?
26:30# When I was a lad And Old Shep was a pup
26:37# O'er hills and meadows we strayed
26:41# Just a boy and his dog
26:45# We were both full of fun
26:48# We grew up together that way. #
26:57# We got some half-price cracked ice Miles and miles of carpet tiles
27:01# TVs, deep-freeze, David Bowie LPs
27:04# Baubles, gold chains, What's-its-names and Oedipus
27:08# Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush Bush-Bush-Bush...
27:13# No income tax, no VAT
27:16# No money back, no guarantee
27:19# Black or white, rich or poor
27:22# We'll cut prices at a stro-o-oke!
27:26# God bless Hookey Street
27:29# Viva Hookey Street
27:33# Long live Hookey Street
27:36# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
27:39# Magnifique, Hookey Street
27:43# Hookey Street... #
27:46Subtitles by Lois Brooks BBC Scotland 1994