lovelyjubbly · episodes

Only Fools and Horses S00E03 — Diamonds Are for Heather

Every line from “Diamonds Are for Heather” (327 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:11# If you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions Brother, I'm your man
• 00:18# Cos where it comes from is a mystery Like the seasons and the sea
• 00:25# But here's the one that's driving me berserk
• 00:29# Why do only fools and horses work?
• 00:33# La, la, la-la La, la, la, la-la... #
• 00:38# Vamos a la playa
• 00:41# Caliente el sol
• 00:44# Chee-bee, dee-bee, dee Ba-ba, ba-bam
• 00:49# Chee-bee, dee-bee, dee Ba-ba, ba-bam... #
• 00:57He's good, ain't he, Del-boy?
• 00:59Wish I could say that about this chicken.Is it tough?Tough?
• 01:04Toughest I've known! It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!
• 01:10Come on, what's upset you?Nothing. Don't worry about me, Rodney.
• 01:15I'm not! I'm worried about the fiver I spent on this ticket! What's the matter?!
• 01:22I went to Lenny Morris's kid's christening today.
• 01:27It was just this...fantastic atmosphere - his mum and dad were there, his wife...
• 01:33his little baby... And I thought, he's got all his family round him - a REAL family...
• 01:40And what haveIgot?
• 01:43You've got US. Yeah, I thought of that.
• 01:47That's when I left!
• 01:49That rich bird he was seeing, with the nose, she gave him the heave-ho.
• 01:56No? Well, that explains it. Del and I hoped to sell some gear to her.What gear?
• 02:03Her dad left her a chain of launderettes, so Del's got hold of two tons of Persil!
• 02:09Now, don't say nothing. He told me in confidence.No, no.
• 02:14Here you are. Get some of this down your neck.
• 02:18Come on, Del, cheer up! Let's have a family sing-song, like in the old days, eh?
• 02:25All right. Go on, Rodney, start us off.Right, all together!
• 02:30#We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried line...#
• 02:40Oi, Enrico! Enrico, come here!
• 02:43Si, senor.Do us a favour, will you?
• 02:46Sing Old Shep for me, will you?
• 02:48Not Old Shep again! You can't enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog!
• 02:58Sing Old Shep. SPANISH ACCENT: It's not possible to sing this song.
• 03:04It is, how you say? A tragic song. It makes the tears fall from the eyes.
• 03:10Go on! Sing Old Shep!
• 03:14COCKNEY ACCENT: Del-boy, I've got a living to earn! That song's a killer!
• 03:21Once I've sung that, the evening's finished! I'll sing another song for you, eh?
• 03:27Any other song.
• 03:30But no way do I sing Old Shep.
• 03:37Sing Old Shep.
• 03:41SPANISH ACCENT: # When I was a lad
• 03:45# And Old Shep was a pup
• 03:49# Over hills and meadows we roamed
• 03:56# Just a boy and his pup
• 04:00# We were just full of fun
• 04:04# We grew up together that way
• 04:11# But if dogs have a heaven
• 04:15# There's one thing I know
• 04:19# Old Shep has
• 04:22# a wonderfu-u-u-l
• 04:26# ho-o-o-o-o-o-ome. #
• 04:31Bravo!
• 04:34Bravo, Enrico! Di Stefano, my son!
• 04:37Di Stefano! Puskas! Puskas!
• 04:41That is my most favourite song about a dog.
• 04:46Yeah, as songs about dead dogs go, it's a real mind-bender, innit(?)
• 04:51Trouble is, nobody likes it! Yes, they do! I like it! And that young lady likes it!
• 05:01Excuse me, gentlemen. I think I've got a cultural encounter coming on!
• 05:07Del, ask your encounter if she's all right for Persil!
• 05:22Good evening.Hello.D'you mind if I park my bot?No, please.
• 05:27Drink?No, thank you.
• 05:29Well, that was, er... Oh, sorry!
• 05:32Lovely song, that. Beautiful, eh?
• 05:35Gets me right here. Brings back such...poignant memories. Did you have an old dog?
• 05:42I've had many old dogs in my time!
• 05:45Er, sorry. Er, what did you say your name was?Heather.Heather.
• 05:51That's a beautiful name, Heather. One of my most favourite names. I'm Del - short for Derek.
• 05:59Do you know what "Derek" means? No, I don't.
• 06:03No, nor do I. I must check it up.
• 06:07I'm surprised to see such a charming young lady alone. I'm meant to be meeting someone.
• 06:14A girlfriend. She hasn't shown up, so I'm just leaving.Well, now he's sung that song it's dead in here.
• 06:22Don't think I'm being forward, but do you fancy a drink in a nightclub I know?
• 06:29I'm not sure. It's getting home.I can drop you off. D'you live local?
• 06:35Brixton.Brixton? Do you really?
• 06:37Funny I haven't see you before,
• 06:40cos I do a lot of work down there, you know. What line are you in?
• 06:46Um... I'm a importer-exporter of quality merchandise.
• 06:52Antiques, that sort of thing. I specialise in Parisian haute couture fashion,
• 06:59and objets d'art - modern works of art... Sounds fascinating!Oh, yes, it is!
• 07:05Hey, if you're interested, I've got some very cheap washing powder.
• 07:11No, straight.
• 07:19CRASH! Sorry about the light.
• 07:23The landlord took the bulb out.
• 07:26Says he's doing his bit to conserve world energy.
• 07:31A rent collector AND a Friend Of The Earth!
• 07:35Oh, mind the step. AOW!
• 07:40Well, this is it.
• 07:43Told you it wasn't much of a flat, didn't I?Oh, it could be worse.
• 07:48How? Could've been on the top floor.
• 07:59Serve-moi fraisse.
• 08:02Moi, non glace...
• 08:04as they would say in France. Oh, true, very true.
• 08:11I didn't hear you come in. Sorry I'm late, love. Del took me to a nightclub.
• 08:18Er... Only being friendly, you know?!
• 08:26Del, let me introduce you. This is Brian. Brian lives downstairs. He's my babysitter.
• 08:36Oh? Well, um, pleased to meet you, Brian.Nice to meet you too.
• 08:41Well, I won't stop. I've got some studying to catch up on.
• 08:46Brian goes away to university soon.
• 08:49Bit long in the tooth for that lark, aren't you?
• 08:53I'm a mature student!Oh. My brother went to uni.What was he reading?
• 08:59God knows! Mayfair and Penthouse, knowing him!
• 09:03Yes, well, must be going. See you in the week, Heather.
• 09:07Thanks, Brian. Hope he didn't annoy you too much.
• 09:11No... I must get used to people like him.
• 09:18No! I meant the baby!Oh, sorry!
• 09:21No, no, no. He was as good as gold.
• 09:24Bye for now.Bye. Mind the step.
• 09:27I didn't, er, know you had a baby.
• 09:30Well, he's not a baby now. He's 3½. That's a picture of him there.
• 09:35..Blimey, he's a big lad for his age, eh?
• 09:39No! That's Vic, my husband!Oh. That's Darren.Oh!
• 09:44Cor, he's a little cracker, eh?!
• 09:47Where's your husband...these days?
• 09:50I dunno. And I don't really care. He said he was going to the Job Centre to sign on.
• 09:57That was 18 months ago.
• 09:59The way things are, he could still be queuing!
• 10:04When we got engaged, Vic had the choice between going on holiday with his mates or buying me a ring.
• 10:12Did he send you a postcard? Like hell he did!
• 10:17I don't think he was ever meant to be married. Too much responsibility.
• 10:23I used to say to him, "Vic, you've got a baby now. Isn't it time you sorted yourself out?"
• 10:30Oh, God! I'm sorry, Del. There's nothing worse than having your ear bent by somebody else's problems!
• 10:38I'm just tired. Yeah, well, I'd better be off.
• 10:43I've got an early call in the morning. Gotta get down to, er, Peckham by seven,
• 10:50pick up a consignment of fire-damaged woks.
• 10:55I'll be, er, finished by about ten.
• 10:58I wonder if you fancy going for lunch.I'd love to! I'll see if Brian'll babysit again.
• 11:06No, no, you AND the boy. Sure?Yeah.Most men don't want to know when you've got a baby.
• 11:14Yeah, well, I'm NOT "most men", Heather.
• 11:24Yeah, OK... Well, er...
• 11:26I'll, um... I'll see you about eleven, right? Tomorrow.All right, then.OK, then.Bye, then.Ta-ra.
• 11:36DULL THUD >
• 11:38Oh, mind the ste...AAAAAAAAAH! CRASH! >
• 12:04# Zoom, just one look And then my heart went boom
• 12:09# Suddenly And we were on the moon
• 12:14# Flying high in a neon sky
• 12:19# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
• 12:23# Bang, just one touch And all the church bells rang
• 12:29# Heaven called And all the angels sang
• 12:34# Sunrise shines On the midnight sky
• 12:38# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
• 12:41# Zoom You chased the day away-ay-ay-ay-ay
• 12:48# High no-oo-oo-oon
• 12:52# The moon and stars Came out to play
• 12:58# Then
• 13:00# My whole wide world
• 13:03# Was zoom
• 13:06# Moonbeams dancing In the afternoon
• 13:10# Shadows glowing... # I don't think it's funny!
• 13:14# ..Looking down On a wonderla-a-and
• 13:19# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
• 13:22# Zoom You chased the day away-ay-ay-ay-ay
• 13:30# High noo-oo-oon
• 13:33# The moon and stars Came out to play
• 13:41# Zoom You chased the day away-ay-ay-ay-ay
• 13:48# High noo-oo-oon
• 13:52# The moon and stars Came out to play
• 13:57# And the-e-en... #
• 14:00Come on, Darren. Kick the ball to your Uncle Del.
• 14:09Good boy!
• 14:11Good ball. Good ball, my son.
• 14:14Let's see you come out the goal.
• 14:23This way!
• 14:25Good boy! You'll play for England one of these days.
• 14:31What d'you reckon, Rodney? He could play for England now, eh? He's better than that load of rubbish.
• 14:39Just have a look at him, will you?
• 14:41He's like a born-again Ovalteeny!
• 14:44He's only known the kid for, what, six weeks? Look at him!
• 14:49He spends most of his time on them climbing frames and swings and what have you!
• 14:57I saw the caretaker tell him off for coming down the slide backwards!
• 15:02Backwards?! That's a bit dangerous, innit?!
• 15:06All his conkers and marbles could've fallen out of his pocket!
• 15:15Gi's it, Rodney.
• 15:18What's the joke?Nothing much.
• 15:21We was just talking about wallies, that's all.Your name cropped up.
• 15:27Not so much of it!
• 15:31Here you are, Darren!
• 15:34I wish he'd get rid of this sign.
• 15:38When I sit in the passenger seat, people look at me sort of...funny.
• 15:43I wouldn't let that bother you, Rodney.No?No.
• 15:48They probably just think you're a poof!
• 15:54A poof(!)
• 16:06You must've spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors.
• 16:13My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror.
• 16:22Up until I was four, I thought you was twins!
• 16:28If you're trying to wind me up, it won't work. No way, bruv.
• 16:33Cos tonight is a very happy and very special night for me.
• 16:37Is it Cubs night?
• 16:40No, it ain't Cubs night! Come on, Rodney, how do I look?
• 16:45Like a second-hand car trader.Oh? Thanks, Rod. Er, about Heather and Darren coming over for Christmas...
• 16:53You don't mind? You like Heather, don't you, Rod?Yeah, she's OK.
• 16:59And, Granddad, you like Darren, eh? Not a noisy little brat, is he? No, he's a good little kid.Yeah.
• 17:08Here, Rod.Hm?How d'you feel about Heather becoming your sister-in-law?What?!
• 17:16Not now! Some time in the future! I haven't even said to her yet!
• 17:21Don't want to jump me guns. Eh?
• 17:23Well, I'm not fussed.
• 17:26She won't live here with that little brat, will she?!No...
• 17:31We've applied for a council house.
• 17:36Well, where's me, er, billy goat? Oh, here it is. I'm off out, then.
• 17:41Taking Heather for an evening she will NEVER forget!
• 17:46Soft lights, music, champagne and, of course, the very, very finest of foods...
• 17:53I only hope she likes curry!
• 18:06Well.
• 18:10Well, I suppose it was always on the cards. I think they'll be happy together, eh?
• 18:17Oh, yeah, she'll look after him.
• 18:19Yeah, and he thinks the world of that kid, don't he?
• 18:24And they fit so neatly into his style of living -
• 18:28fast foods, ready-to-wear suits...
• 18:31Now he's got an instant family, eh?!
• 18:34I'm... I'm pleased for him.
• 18:37You're forgetting something, Rodney.
• 18:40If Del-boy moves in with his off-the-peg next of kin,
• 18:45who the hell pays the rent, gas and electric here, eh?!
• 18:56We'll have chicken tikka off the bone, a mutton Madras,
• 19:01two onion bajis, four popadums,
• 19:04some nan bread and two portions of rice.Which rice would you like?
• 19:10Have you got any Uncle Ben's?
• 19:16No, sir. Pilau rice, basmati rice or plain white rice.
• 19:21The pilau rice. And take the feathers out first!
• 19:25Oh, and, Tony, a bottle of your finest champagne. All right, son? Yes, sir.Thank you.
• 19:32You're pushing the boat out a bit, aren't you?I'm celebrating. Celebrating what?
• 19:39Sold all them Chinese woks?No, I've got a bit lumbered with them.
• 19:44I'm giving them away free with packets of Persil!
• 19:48What's the champagne in aid of?
• 19:51Well...
• 19:57Christmas.
• 20:00What IS it? Open it and see!
• 20:07Del!
• 20:09Well?
• 20:13Oh, it's lovely!
• 20:16Got it off this mate of mine, Abdul.
• 20:19He gets a discount at Hatton Garden.
• 20:24Del...is this an engagement ring?
• 20:28No, it's a set of socket spanners!
• 20:30Of course it's an engagement ring!
• 20:34I CAN change it. I remembered you said you liked solitaire diamonds,
• 20:39so I thought, I'll get a cluster of solitaires.
• 20:47No... No, it's a beautiful ring, Del.
• 20:51What's up, then?
• 20:54It's Vic.
• 20:57Is your nose blocked up?
• 21:02No.
• 21:06No, it's Vic, my husband.Oh.
• 21:09What about him? He wrote to me last week.
• 21:13Last week? You didn't mention it.
• 21:16I know. I've been trying to find the right moment to bring it up.
• 21:21He's living in Southampton.Yeah? Got himself a nice flat apparently.
• 21:26He wants me and Darren to move down there with him. You know, try again.
• 21:32See if we can make it work this time.Oh? Yeah, well...
• 21:38I mean, you're not going to believe all that old pony, are you?
• 21:45Are you?
• 21:47The thing is, Del, he IS still my husband.
• 21:51He's Darren's father. I owe it to him.
• 21:56Oh, come on, Heather! He don't care a monkey's about you and Darren!
• 22:01What did Vic do when it got heavy?! Put on his hiking boots and had it away on his toes!
• 22:08You don't know what he's like! I do! He's exactly like my old man! It wasn't ALL his fault.
• 22:16He was unemployed. All he wanted was a regular job.
• 22:20You've no idea the pressure that has on a family.
• 22:24Well, he's got a job now in a department store.Oh? Doing what?
• 22:29He's a Father Christmas.
• 22:33That's a steady little number, eh?! Free uniform, luncheon vouchers,
• 22:38forty-eight weeks holiday a year!
• 22:43I still love him.
• 22:48What about me?
• 22:51I love YOU, Del... but not in THAT way. I feel for you the way someone would feel for...
• 22:58A goldfish or a gerbil? No!
• 23:02Like a brother. I feel for you the way you feel for Rodney.
• 23:08I thought you LIKED me!
• 23:11Heather, I thought you and I had an understanding.Honestly, Del, I never knew you felt so strongly.
• 23:19I mean, you never said anything. No...
• 23:23I'm not a poet, Heather.
• 23:26I can't do all that lovey-dovey stuff.
• 23:30I FEEL things...
• 23:32but when I try to say them, they...always come out...
• 23:37wallyish.
• 23:39I thought it was obvious the way that I felt for you.
• 23:44What else could I have done?
• 23:47I don't know. A sign or something.
• 23:51What? Tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree?
• 23:57I leave next Tuesday. Will you come round and say goodbye to Darren?
• 24:08No.
• 24:10He really took to you.
• 24:13You like kids, don't you?
• 24:15Yeah.
• 24:18I used to go to school with a lot of them.
• 24:22It's a beautiful ring, Del.
• 24:25Thank you.
• 24:28Normally I'd let you keep it but...
• 24:31I've only got it on a week's approval.
• 24:35I'm not hungry now, Del. I think I'll go.
• 24:42It's all right. I'll get a taxi.
• 25:06CAROL SINGERS: # Saviour, Lord, at Thy birth
• 25:13# Silent night
• 25:16# Holy night
• 25:20# All is calm
• 25:23# All is bright
• 25:27# Round yon virgin Mother and child
• 25:34# Holy infant So tender and mild
• 25:41# Sleep in heavenly peace
• 25:48# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
• 25:57# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
• 26:02# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year!
• 26:07# Good tidings we bring To you and your king
• 26:12# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year!
• 26:17# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
• 26:23# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year! # Are you sure?
• 26:30# When I was a lad And Old Shep was a pup
• 26:37# O'er hills and meadows we strayed
• 26:41# Just a boy and his dog
• 26:45# We were both full of fun
• 26:48# We grew up together that way. #
• 26:57# We got some half-price cracked ice Miles and miles of carpet tiles
• 27:01# TVs, deep-freeze, David Bowie LPs
• 27:04# Baubles, gold chains, What's-its-names and Oedipus
• 27:08# Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush Bush-Bush-Bush...
• 27:13# No income tax, no VAT
• 27:16# No money back, no guarantee
• 27:19# Black or white, rich or poor
• 27:22# We'll cut prices at a stro-o-oke!
• 27:26# God bless Hookey Street
• 27:29# Viva Hookey Street
• 27:33# Long live Hookey Street
• 27:36# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
• 27:39# Magnifique, Hookey Street
• 27:43# Hookey Street... #
• 27:46Subtitles by Lois Brooks BBC Scotland 1994