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Only Fools and Horses S00E06 — A Royal Flush

Every line from “A Royal Flush” (1556 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:11♫ 'Cause if you want the best ones
• 00:13♫ But you don't ask questions
• 00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
• 00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
• 00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
• 00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
• 00:26♫ But here's the one what's driving me berserk
• 00:30♫ Why do only fools and horses work
• 00:33♫ La la la la
• 00:35♫ La la la la la
• 00:36♫ La la la la
• 00:38♫ La la la la la
• 00:43- Look at the quality.
• 00:45I mean that quality,
• 00:46that is the titmus test isn't it, the quality?
• 00:48Now these are handmade from Indonesian steel.
• 00:52They've got an ivory effect handle and they come in
• 00:55look at that a genuine synthetic leather lookalike case.
• 01:01Right now these canteens of cutlery
• 01:03are a very exclusive line.
• 01:04You can only buy these in Harrods,
• 01:06Liberty, and Patel's Multi Mart.
• 01:09Right now take a look at that ladies.
• 01:11Just take a look what can't speak can't lie.
• 01:13Alright darling put your binoculars away
• 01:15'cause I can tell you exactly what it says.
• 01:17Manufacturer's recommended retail price
• 01:1942 pounds and 99 pence.
• 01:22- You could have printed them yourself.
• 01:24- Say what?
• 01:25- I said you could have printed them yourself.
• 01:26- Do me a favor pal.
• 01:28Do I look like Rupert Maxwell?
• 01:29- There's two M's in recommend.
• 01:33- That is because they're printed in Indonesia.
• 01:37That's Indonesian spelling.
• 01:38They can't spell that there can they you blonker?
• 01:39Now listen to me I'm not gonna ask you
• 01:42for 42 pounds 99, I wouldn't dream of it.
• 01:45I haven't come here to strife you up, now listen.
• 01:47I'm not even gonna ask you for a score.
• 01:49Now is that if I said, I said to you give me a tenner
• 01:52you'd think you were on a right result wouldn't you?
• 01:54But I'm not gonna ask you for a tenner alright
• 01:56now listen, I don't want that, I don't want a tenner.
• 01:58Put your money away love.
• 01:59Now listen before I tell you how much
• 02:01I want for this wonderful canteen of cutlery
• 02:03I want anyone of a nervous disposition,
• 02:05anyone with a weak heart to move along please
• 02:07because I do not want to be held responsible
• 02:09as I'm only insured for third party fire and theft.
• 02:12Right now here we go, listen to me.
• 02:15Here we go a 36 piece canteen of cutlery made in Indonesia,
• 02:19handmade genuine synthetic leather case,
• 02:21manufacturer's recommended retail price 42 pounds 99,
• 02:24yours for first come first served three pounds 50.
• 02:28(crowd groaning)
• 02:31What do you mean? (pretending to groan)
• 02:33Come on look, do me a favor.
• 02:34Look take away from me before it hurts come on.
• 02:36Look what do you want jam on it?
• 02:38- It can't be top quality, they're too cheap.
• 02:41- What how can it be too cheap you plonker.
• 02:44- Hey listen I'm not a plonker.
• 02:45- No, what are you doing then, an impression?
• 02:47(all laughing)
• 02:49Now listen, come on, you'll not get
• 02:50another bargain like this again.
• 02:52-[Objector] I bet we don't get guarantees with them.
• 02:54- Yes you do, you do get a guarantee.
• 02:55I'll guarantee that you get a smack in the mooey
• 02:58in a minute old cocker if you don't move on.
• 02:59Go away and annoy someone else for a month or two won't you?
• 03:03- Hello.
• 03:05- Hi, this your first day in the market?
• 03:08- First day.
• 03:10- I thought I hadn't seen you here before.
• 03:15This all your own work?
• 03:16-[Vicky] Afraid so.
• 03:18- Nice, it's really good yeah.
• 03:20- Do you really think so?
• 03:22It's awfully sweet of you.
• 03:24- I'm an artist.
• 03:26I went away to college for a while.
• 03:28- Really?
• 03:29I was at the Milan School of Art
• 03:30for two years then I had a spell at the Sorbonne.
• 03:33Where were you?
• 03:34- Basingstoke.
• 03:36- Basingstoke?
• 03:38I don't think I've heard of it.
• 03:40- It's a big town in Hampshire.
• 03:42- Oh no I meant that I hadn't heard of
• 03:43the Basingstoke College of Art.
• 03:45- Oh it's quite famous, well in Basingstoke.
• 03:52By the way my name is Rodney.
• 03:54- Victoria, well Vicky.
• 03:57- Right come on in ladies come on now.
• 03:58Make your neighbors jealous.
• 03:59You know only the finest steel
• 04:00goes into making this premier cutlery
• 04:03producing the sharpest cutting edge you've ever experienced.
• 04:07- Yeah, but how do we know that?
• 04:09- Run your wrist gently down the blade and you'll find out.
• 04:14- You alright Del Boy?
• 04:16- Alright, alright Trig come on.
• 04:19I'd rather have shingles than these knives and forks.
• 04:21At least you can get rid of shingles.
• 04:23How are things with you Trig?
• 04:24- Known it worse.
• 04:25- Have you, I haven't.
• 04:28Alright listen to me,
• 04:28I'll let you have them at cost alright?
• 04:30Now that's three quid a box.
• 04:31Now come on you know it makes sense.
• 04:33- Three quid?
• 04:34Here I'll have one of them Del.
• 04:42- What do you mean you'll have one of them?
• 04:45- Three pounds they're a bargain.
• 04:48- Trigger those are the ones
• 04:49that you sold me last week for a nicker each.
• 04:54- No, they ain't the same, mine didn't have them on.
• 05:00- I don't believe you mate.
• 05:01Alright Trig you stay here.
• 05:03I'm gonna go and give Mrs. Dianne a bell.
• 05:08Alright come on listen.
• 05:09Now as I gotta get rid of this stuff now 'cause I...
• 05:14Alright quick away you go everyone, everyone.
• 05:16Go on before you get your collars felt.
• 05:17Go on away you go.
• 05:24Look at that stupid little dipstick.
• 05:33I'm surrounded.
• 05:35Now I know how General Custard felt.
• 05:38Trigger quick, quick.
• 05:39Listen, just do exactly as I say.
• 05:45- You are looking for the Hilton Hotel?
• 05:49- Si, Hilton Hotel.
• 05:52- Turn left at the top of the road.
• 05:56- Si.
• 05:57- And you'll see a bus stop, big red bus.
• 06:03- Si.
• 06:04- Take the 159 to Park Lane
• 06:10and that is where the Hilton Hotel is.
• 06:15- Oh Si (speaking in foreign language)
• 06:27- Don't get many tourists round this way eh officer?
• 06:31- No, especially tourists that speak
• 06:34three different languages all at once.
• 06:40-[Rodney] How much is that one?
• 06:41-[Vicky] That's 50 pounds.
• 06:44- And what about the one next to it?
• 06:46- That's 85.
• 06:50- Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice Vicky?
• 06:53See people round here don't pay 85 pounds for a painting.
• 06:57People round here don't pay 85 pounds for a car.
• 07:01- But surely everybody has paintings in their homes.
• 07:03Yeah but they don't get them from galleries
• 07:05and what have you, they get them from
• 07:07British Home Stores and prize bingo.
• 07:09I reckon you've picked the wrong market here.
• 07:13You ought to go down and have a crack at Portobello Road.
• 07:14You might be in with a shot then.
• 07:17- Perhaps you're right.
• 07:19Oh well, nothing ventured.
• 07:23Would you be an absolute love
• 07:25and help me take this stuff back to my car?
• 07:28- I'd like to but I'm a bit busy with me.
• 07:33He must have sold it early and gone for something to eat.
• 07:37Well in that case I'm at your service Miss.
• 07:39- Oh that's awfully sweet of you.
• 07:42I'm sorry, I didn't.
• 07:43- Oh, Rodney.
• 07:45- Wotcha Dave?
• 07:49- My name is Rodney, he's just very thick.
• 07:52- I see.
• 07:55What line of business are you in Rodney?
• 07:57- I'm a partner in a partnership.
• 08:00- Me and my brother we buy and sell this and that.
• 08:03- Do you specialize?
• 08:04- No.
• 08:06- I envy you.
• 08:08It must be wonderful to work in a market every day.
• 08:10I find it very stimulating.
• 08:12It's all the hustle and bustle
• 08:14and the lovely characters one sees.
• 08:17Course I know they're not all lovely.
• 08:21Did you spot that noisy little person
• 08:23selling the tatty cutlery?
• 08:24- Yeah, that's my brother.
• 08:27- Oh look I'm frightfully sorry.
• 08:29When I said noisy I didn't--
• 08:30- No no no you're right he is noisy.
• 08:33He's always been noisy.
• 08:35But he's as good as gold really.
• 08:37I sort of look after him.
• 08:40- I see, I haven't got any brothers or sisters.
• 08:43- No, do you want him?
• 08:44- No thank you.
• 08:47Well here's the old crate.
• 08:50- Nice car.
• 08:53- Yes I got it for a birthday present.
• 08:55- Yeah, I got a Nik Kershaw LP.
• 09:06Right well I'm off for something to eat.
• 09:08I'll see you around aye Vicky.
• 09:10- Where do you lunch?
• 09:11- I usually go down the Fatty Thumb.
• 09:14- The Fatty Thumb?
• 09:16- Well yeah it's Sid's Caff really.
• 09:17But we call it that out of affection just out of affection.
• 09:20- May I join you?
• 09:22- You, at The Fatty Thumb?
• 09:25I don't think you'd like it Victoria.
• 09:27It's all steam and bacteria, it's horrible really.
• 09:31- You know Rodney I get the feeling
• 09:33that you're an inverted snob.
• 09:35Come on, jump in and I'll chauffeur you down there.
• 09:40- You won't like it Victoria.
• 09:44I don't like it and I'm a regular.
• 09:46Look there's a McDonald's around the corner.
• 09:52- Egg and chips, egg sausage and chips,
• 09:53egg sausage beans and chips.
• 09:57Pie and chips, pie chips and pea.
• 09:59- Egg bubble beans twice?
• 10:00- Oh here you go Rodney.
• 10:01Don't forget your tea mate.
• 10:04Two dripping toast, bacon and egg and a slice.
• 10:15- Here we go then Vicky.
• 10:18- I think it's absolutely lovely in here.
• 10:22- Yes it is good isn't it?
• 10:25- Is this the buffalo sweet?
• 10:28- Yeah, yeah it's a double.
• 10:30- What is it actually?
• 10:32- Well it's sort of greens and potatoes
• 10:38and then you sort of mix it all up and fry it.
• 10:44- It's absolutely munchy.
• 10:47-[Customer] This machine's broke again Sid.
• 10:49- If you wouldn't keep tilting
• 10:50the sodding thing it wouldn't break would it?
• 10:53- So you're not from round Peckham White?
• 10:56- No, I was born and raised up in Berkshire.
• 11:00I've been in London for about three months now.
• 11:04Have you always lived in London?
• 11:05- Yeah always.
• 11:07- I've been wanting to live in London for ages.
• 11:10Berkshire's so boring, boring Berkshire I call it.
• 11:16I wanted to be near the art galleries.
• 11:19I suppose you're always in them?
• 11:21- Well not always no.
• 11:24I did go up to the National Gallery a couple of weeks back.
• 11:27I suddenly realized and I am ashamed to admit it
• 11:31that in all the years it's been housed there
• 11:32I've never actually seen the Da Vinci cartoon.
• 11:36- Well I'm not ashamed to admit it
• 11:38but I haven't seen it either.
• 11:40What did you think of it?
• 11:43- Well they were shut, but you know I'm going back.
• 11:46- Why don't we go together?
• 11:49- Oh yeah, cushty.
• 11:51- Cushty?
• 11:52- Yeah it means wonderful, terrific.
• 11:55- I see, how frightfully Albert Square.
• 12:01Shall we say tomorrow at noon?
• 12:03- Tomorrow?
• 12:06I might not be able to get time off work.
• 12:08- I thought you said you were a partner.
• 12:12- Yeah I am a partner yeah but, yeah alright then.
• 12:18I know, I'll give myself the day off.
• 12:21Right tomorrow at noon then.
• 12:22- Cushty.
• 12:26Do you like opera Rodney?
• 12:29Course you do, I can tell.
• 12:31- Yeah.
• 12:33- There's a gala performance of Carmen on
• 12:34at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane next week.
• 12:37I've tried everywhere to get tickets
• 12:40but it's absolutely impossible.
• 12:42- Impossible yeah I know I've tried.
• 12:47I hope you don't mind me saying this but
• 12:51I didn't really think that Peckham would be your scene.
• 12:54- Oh no, I absolutely adore this area.
• 12:58It's so rough and raw and vibrant.
• 13:02I saw a woman spit yesterday.
• 13:06You see I was brought up in this tiny community
• 13:10in the wilds of boring Berkshire.
• 13:13My world was one of nannies and live in tutors
• 13:17and gymkhanas and village fetes.
• 13:20The first time I left there was when I was 11
• 13:23and that was only to go to Rhodies.
• 13:25Then I went to a Finch finishing school.
• 13:28Mine was a very insular existence.
• 13:31I didn't even realize there was a real world
• 13:33until I decided to make art my life.
• 13:37I suppose that's why I like it round here.
• 13:39Must be the artist in me.
• 13:41My mother was a painter.
• 13:44She had some work exhibited at the Royal Academy.
• 13:46- No?
• 13:49Oh mega.
• 13:51The Royal Academy?
• 13:53Does she still paint?
• 13:55- No.
• 13:58- Have I said something wrong?
• 14:03- She died when I was 12.
• 14:07A skiing accident in Austria.
• 14:10- I'm really sorry Vicky.
• 14:12I know how much that must have hurt you.
• 14:14- I don't think so Rodney.
• 14:15- Oh yeah I do.
• 14:17Same thing happened to me when I was only five.
• 14:21- Poor Rodney, how absolutely awful for you.
• 14:26Where was your mother skiing?
• 14:30- No Mum weren't skiing.
• 14:32According to what the rest of the family tells me
• 14:34Mum didn't do a lot of skiing.
• 14:37She just had something wrong with her.
• 14:39- I see, sorry.
• 14:43Lord look at the time I must dash
• 14:45otherwise they start worrying.
• 14:46- Who do?
• 14:47- Special Branch.
• 14:51- Special Branch?
• 14:53- Yes, it's all incredibly tedious.
• 14:56They have to protect us.
• 14:57Well Daddy mainly.
• 14:59- What is he a supergrass?
• 15:01- No silly.
• 15:03- He's, well it's terribly boring.
• 15:07He's the Duke of Maylebury.
• 15:10- The Duke of Maylebury?
• 15:13- Yes I said it was terribly boring.
• 15:16Look I must dash, see you tomorrow at the National?
• 15:20- Yeah.
• 15:22- Cushty, ciao.
• 15:32- Maylebury, Maylebury.
• 15:47-[Albert] I don't know why you
• 15:48couldn't have left it 'til tomorrow.
• 15:49-[Del] Oh leave it out will you Albert?
• 15:51You've done more whining than a bleeding spin dryer.
• 15:55- Rodney's back Del Boy.
• 15:57Someone must have paid the ransom.
• 16:02- And where have you been?
• 16:04- I went down the library.
• 16:05- What for?
• 16:06- To see if my shoes was done.
• 16:08Why do you think I went down to the library for?
• 16:10I went to get a book didn't I?
• 16:13- Burke's?
• 16:14Teach yourself book is it?
• 16:16- It is a genealogical
• 16:17and heraldic history of British peers.
• 16:21- I don't believe it, I don't believe it.
• 16:23While I've been down at the market
• 16:24getting the tug from the local John Dommery,
• 16:26this dipstick's been sitting here
• 16:28reading a book about gittys.
• 16:30I tell you this much Rodney,
• 16:31you ain't gonna get no wages the end of the week.
• 16:33Now come on Del.
• 16:35That bird I was talking to in the market,
• 16:37I said I'd take her out and I'm potless ain't I?
• 16:40- Yeah well that's your problem isn't it?
• 16:42- Thanks a bunch.
• 16:43That's gonna be right embarrassing isn't it?
• 16:45Especially with her coming from a moneyed background.
• 16:48- Yeah I know it's a tough old world.
• 16:49What do you mean moneyed background?
• 16:51- Her old man's very wealthy.
• 16:54Is he, well what's his game?
• 16:55- I've got to tell someone Del.
• 16:57But you gotta promise me it'll go no further.
• 16:59- Yeah no no no no of course not, just between us two.
• 17:02- Have you heard of the Duke of Maylebury?
• 17:06- The Duke of?
• 17:08Leave it out you twonk.
• 17:10- It is God's honest truth Del.
• 17:12- No.
• 17:13- Del I cross my heart and hope
• 17:15to die in a cellar full of rats.
• 17:17- What you mean that little girl?
• 17:19Her daddy?
• 17:20- Honest, it's for real.
• 17:22- Bloody hell.
• 17:24- But it's got to be our little secret though.
• 17:25- Well yeah of course it is.
• 17:26Did you hear that Albert?
• 17:28You know that little sort that
• 17:29Rodney's been chatting up down at market?
• 17:31- What about her?
• 17:33- Her father only owns a pub.
• 17:35- You're pulling my leg.
• 17:37- No no it's straight up.
• 17:39It's The Duke of Maylebury's isn't it?
• 17:40It's over Nunhead way isn't it Rodney?
• 17:41- No no listen.
• 17:42He don't own the Duke of Maylebury.
• 17:45He is the Duke of Maylebury.
• 17:47He's nobility isn't he?
• 17:48You know he's a peer of the realm.
• 17:50- Oh leave it out Rodders.
• 17:52Look I've seen a picture of the real Duke of Maylebury
• 17:54in The Sporting Life, he owns that horse Handsome Samson,
• 17:57second favorite for the Derby next year.
• 18:00And that little girl, she done look nothing like him.
• 18:02She looks like the horse maybe not him.
• 18:05She's no more nobility than you are.
• 18:06- No?
• 18:07Have a look at that then.
• 18:09- What?
• 18:12I don't believe it.
• 18:13It's her, that's the girl from the market.
• 18:15-[Albert] Which one?
• 18:16- What do you mean which one?
• 18:17Her look, the one without the top hat on.
• 18:19She's standing their next to Princess Anne
• 18:21at a rodeo or something.
• 18:23- They're in here and all.
• 18:24Her father right is a sort of second cousin to the Queen.
• 18:29Vicky's in here and all.
• 18:30Here you are.
• 18:32Her proper title is Lady Victoria Marsham Hales.
• 18:36Only child of Sir Henry Marsham,
• 18:39KBE Mvo MC and Bar, fourteenth Duke of Maylebury.
• 18:46Family home Covington House, Upper Stansmere, Berkshire.
• 18:53- You ain't had a go at her have you?
• 18:56- No I ain't.
• 18:57- Well you keep your mucky mitts off her.
• 18:58Otherwise we'll have her mother round here
• 19:00throwing royal prerogatives all over the shop.
• 19:02Well I doubt it, her mum died in
• 19:03a skiing accident about nine years ago.
• 19:06- Then answer me this.
• 19:08If she's a titled lady what's she going out with him for?
• 19:12- He's giving me the right up Del.
• 19:13- It's alright, it's alright.
• 19:15No listen Albert, Rodney's got some very nice qualities.
• 19:18I mean she may have been smitten
• 19:20by his rakish charms or his boyish good looks.
• 19:24On the other hand she could be a posh tart
• 19:26fancying a bit of scrag, you never can tell.
• 19:33Wait a minute though, wait a minute.
• 19:36I've got it now good cake.
• 19:39I think I know what this is all about.
• 19:41Listen it's a well known fact you know
• 19:43that every three or four hundred years the old aristocracy
• 19:46they've got to bring in a bit of
• 19:47the old common stock to water the old blue blood down a bit.
• 19:51- What and they can't do better than that?
• 19:54Do me a favor.
• 19:55- I'm gonna crack him round the head in a minute.
• 19:57- No no no it's alright Rodney.
• 19:58No no listen, listen to me I don't care what you say.
• 20:00I bet you any money you like that her old man
• 20:01has told her to find herself a husband
• 20:03and Rodney's in the frame.
• 20:07Rodney ask her to marry you.
• 20:09- I don't want to get married.
• 20:13- Listen to me you dipstick.
• 20:16Just think about it for a minute will you?
• 20:19Think of all the advantages listen,
• 20:21that Vicky or whatever her name is,
• 20:23she's the sole heiress of the Maylebury fortunes.
• 20:25She's got no brothers or sisters
• 20:27and the old girl popped her clogs
• 20:28halfway down the giant slalom right?
• 20:30So when the old Duke says bonsoir to this mortal curl
• 20:35she'll become the Duchess and you know what that means.
• 20:39- What?
• 20:41- Albert come here.
• 20:44I want you to remember this moment.
• 20:46Because we could be looking at the future Duke of Maylebury.
• 20:51- He don't look like a peer of the realm.
• 20:53- No not at the moment he don't no.
• 20:55But stick a coronet on his head, bit of Ermin,
• 20:56get rid of them boots, he's a dead ringer.
• 20:58- I don't wanna be a Duke.
• 21:00- Listen to me, don't give me all that Tony Ben Cobbler.
• 21:03Think of all the advantages.
• 21:04You'll be sitting in the House of Lords.
• 21:07- We can watch you on the telly having a kip.
• 21:10- I don't believe it.
• 21:12Look me and Vicky, well we're more mates than anything else.
• 21:17We have one mutual interest, art.
• 21:19Other than that we're worlds apart.
• 21:21I mean she wants us to go out to places like the opera.
• 21:25- Why what's on?
• 21:27- An opera.
• 21:28- No I mean what opera.
• 21:29- Oh I don't know.
• 21:30It's Carmen or something the gala performance.
• 21:34- Why don't you take her then?
• 21:35- How do I do that?
• 21:37I don't know the first thing about operas.
• 21:38And besides it's impossible to get tickets isn't it?
• 21:42- If you want tickets you shall have tickets Cinders.
• 21:45- How?
• 21:46- How, from Limpy Lionel the ticket tout.
• 21:49He can tickets for anything.
• 21:51- Gonna cost Del.
• 21:52- What does money matter?
• 21:55What does money matter compared
• 21:57with little Rodney's happiness?
• 22:02-[Vicky] I still don't understand how you managed it.
• 22:04Even Daddy couldn't get tickets for tonight.
• 22:07And he tried everywhere.
• 22:08- Oh it was nothing really.
• 22:10I have let's just say contacts.
• 22:16- But they must have cost the Earth.
• 22:18- I didn't ask, I just told my man get them.
• 22:34- I hope they're not forgeries.
• 22:45- Good evening Lady Victoria.
• 22:46- Hello.
• 22:47- Thank you sir.
• 22:53Thank you sir, have a nice evening.
• 22:58I said have a nice evening sir.
• 23:01- Oh yeah, alright thank you, thank you very much.
• 23:05- Are you alright?
• 23:06- I'm fine.
• 23:09I'll get us a program shall I?
• 23:16Two programs please.
• 23:17- That's eight pounds sir.
• 23:19- No two programs.
• 23:21- Four pounds each sir.
• 23:25- Oh alright.
• 23:40- Rodney, I know you'll think I'm a frightful old bore.
• 23:44But you know you've invited me
• 23:45to a soccer match on Saturday?
• 23:48Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel.
• 23:51- Oh, oh worse, that's no problem Vicky.
• 23:55- I must go home you see.
• 23:56Daddy's invited a few friends down to
• 23:58the estate for the weekend, a shoot and then dinner.
• 24:01I simply have to be there.
• 24:03I am the lady of the house these days.
• 24:06Yeah it's alright, I understand.
• 24:10- Would you like to join us as my guest?
• 24:13- Oh.
• 24:17Well.
• 24:18- You could stay overnight and then on Sunday
• 24:20I'll take you for a wonderful lunch at our little local.
• 24:25- Yes.
• 24:27Thank you Vicky, I'd love to.
• 24:28- Well that's super.
• 24:38- Can I get you a drink?
• 24:39- A very dry white wine and soda please.
• 24:41- I won't be a minute then.
• 24:50- Could I have two very dry white wine and sodas please?
• 24:59(Del whistling)
• 25:01- Rodney, Rodders.
• 25:04Sorry pal, excuse me, excuse me.
• 25:07Alright, perhaps I was getting a bit worried.
• 25:09The old time was creeping on there.
• 25:10Alright darling?
• 25:12I reckon it's gonna be a good one tonight.
• 25:14John, when you've finished your break
• 25:16can we have some service up here?
• 25:18- Del he is already serving me.
• 25:20- Is he, oh right (speaking in foreign language) right.
• 25:26- Del what the bloody hell are you doing here?
• 25:28- Well that's charming that is isn't it, that's charming.
• 25:32After all I've done of you?
• 25:34Well there were four tickets up for grabs.
• 25:37And you know me, I love a bit of opera.
• 25:39- You, the only opera you've ever seen
• 25:41was Tommy and that was on video.
• 25:43You ain't never been to an opera in your life.
• 25:47- I've never milked a cow in me life
• 25:48but I still like a bit of cheese don't I?
• 25:54- Victoria this is my brother Derek.
• 25:57-[Vicky] Oh hello, how nice to meet you.
• 25:58- And you.
• 26:00And may I say Victoria how particularly
• 26:02lovely that you are looking tonight?
• 26:04- Thank you.
• 26:06I didn't realize you were going to be joining us.
• 26:09- Oh yes well there were four tickets available you see.
• 26:11- And I bought them all.
• 26:13- Oh yes Rodney bought them all.
• 26:14Well that's him you know he's generous to a fault.
• 26:18Well cheers.
• 26:25-[Rodney] I don't believe it.
• 26:26- What don't you believe?
• 26:28- Well this is the Theatre Royal Drury Lane
• 26:31and somebody has ordered a kissogram.
• 26:34- Never, where?
• 26:36- There.
• 26:41- You saucy git, that's my bird.
• 26:44- It ain't, Del it ain't?
• 26:46- It is, it's Juney, you know June.
• 26:47She lives over in Zimbabwe House.
• 26:50- I used to go out with her daughter.
• 26:53- Don't worry she won't say a word.
• 26:56(Del whistles)
• 26:57Juney?
• 26:58Here girl.
• 27:00- I weren't sure where you'd got to.
• 27:03Them khazis ain't half posh.
• 27:05Well you always go to the best places with me sweetheart.
• 27:09Allow me to introduce you.
• 27:12Lady Victoria I want you to meet June Snell.
• 27:17-[Vicky] Good evening June.
• 27:18- Hello, you alright?
• 27:22- Lady Victoria remember?
• 27:25- Oh yeah.
• 27:28It's a great pleasure to meet you ma'am.
• 27:37- Oh no no please, it really isn't necessary.
• 27:40- No no no please Victoria Juney likes to
• 27:43keep herself in perspective don't you girl?
• 27:45- Oh yeah, I think it's best.
• 27:48- Of course you know Rodney don't ya?
• 27:50-[June] Watcha?
• 27:51- Watcha?
• 27:52- He used to go out with my daughter Debby.
• 27:56She's living with a sickly geezer now.
• 27:59- Terrific.
• 28:02- So you're an opera buff as well are you June?
• 28:05- I saw one once on BBC2.
• 28:07Our telly had gone out the world,
• 28:09it was the only channel we could get.
• 28:11You came round that night Del, remember?
• 28:13Well just to visit the telly ain't you?
• 28:16- Yeah just needed a little bit of adjustment that was all.
• 28:20- It was that world famous foreign bloke singing wasn't it?
• 28:22- Oh yeah wonderful voice.
• 28:24- Oh yes very talented.
• 28:27Great big fat git weren't he?
• 28:29- Yeah couldn't half put a song across though couldn't he?
• 28:37Course this is my most favorite opera
• 28:40this one you know Carmen oh yeah Love it.
• 28:43♫ Figaro figaro figaro figaro
• 28:46It's wonderful.
• 28:47- That's from The Barber of Seville.
• 28:51It isn't from Carmen, it's from The Barber of Seville.
• 28:56- Yeah yeah that's right actually it is
• 28:58definitely The Barber of Seville that one there.
• 29:01- Oh of course it is, course it is.
• 29:04I don't know what's the matter with me.
• 29:05I always get those two mixed up
• 29:06The Barber of Seville and Carman.
• 29:08- Well Carmen's a hairdryer isn't it?
• 29:14- Yeah well of course it is.
• 29:17(bell ringing)
• 29:18Blimey he's rung that one early isn't he?
• 29:19Yeah it's early still, we've got time for another one.
• 29:20What's that, white wine and soda, Juney?
• 29:22- Oh benedictine and lemonade.
• 29:26- Excuse me, the bell is simply to tell the audience
• 29:29that the performance is about to begin.
• 29:35- Oh yeah, yeah yeah we knew that.
• 29:37- Oh yeah, knew that.
• 29:39We just thought there might be time for a quick one.
• 29:43- I don't think so.
• 29:44I really think we ought to be taking our seats.
• 29:48- Right well may I?
• 29:51- Thank you.
• 29:56- Alright come on.
• 29:59- Hey Del how come she's got a program and I ain't?
• 30:05- She can read.
• 30:06- Oh.
• 30:09(singing in foreign language)
• 30:42(June slurping)
• 30:55- It's a blinding opera isn't it?
• 30:57- It's alright I suppose.
• 31:00It don't get going does it?
• 31:03- It's not supposed to get going, it's culture.
• 31:07You don't come to an opera to enjoy it.
• 31:10You come 'cause it's there.
• 31:14- Oh, I didn't know that.
• 31:17- Oh yeah.
• 31:20- I like Vince Hill.
• 31:25- Well yeah I live Vince Hill, yeah yeah.
• 31:30He's almost culture, not quite but almost.
• 31:35(shushing)
• 31:38What's that about?
• 31:39- I don't know, maybe someone's talking somewhere.
• 31:43- Yeah maybe.
• 31:46Some people have got no protocol have they?
• 31:48- No.
• 31:53I got a few licorice allsorts.
• 31:56- Have you got one with hundreds and thousands on it?
• 31:58- Only one.
• 32:03- Let's have a look.
• 32:06(singing in foreign language)
• 32:14Rodney?
• 32:15- What?
• 32:18- Do you want a licorice allsort?
• 32:21- No.
• 32:24- Vicky?
• 32:26Vicky?
• 32:27(shushing)
• 32:30Is he having a pop at me or what?
• 32:31- No he ain't just be quiet.
• 32:34- Vicky?
• 32:35- Yeah?
• 32:36- Do you want a licorice allsort?
• 32:38- No thank you.
• 32:41- Here there's only a couple left
• 32:43we might as well finish them off.
• 32:45No not that one.
• 32:47(singing in foreign language)
• 32:58(paper rustling)
• 33:05Rodney?
• 33:06- What?
• 33:08-[Rodney] Want a crisp?
• 33:08- No.
• 33:11- Vicky?
• 33:12(shushing)
• 33:13Don't you shush me pal.
• 33:14- Del please.
• 33:15- Well.
• 33:18Vicky, Vicky?
• 33:19- Yes?
• 33:20- Fancy a crisp?
• 33:22- No thank you.
• 33:29(Del and June munching loudly)
• 33:41(singing in foreign language)
• 33:53- Rodney.
• 33:56- What?
• 33:57- Put your arm round her shoulder.
• 34:04Put you arm round her.
• 34:08- But Del this is not the Ardian.
• 34:10(shushing)
• 34:12Sorry.
• 34:13- Don't you sorry him.
• 34:14- You just keep on pal, see what you get.
• 34:16(singing in foreign language)
• 34:30You've ate all of them.
• 34:32- No I ain't, you had some.
• 34:36(wrapper rustling)
• 34:40(singing in foreign language)
• 34:45(wrapper rustling)
• 34:49- Where's Del?
• 34:51- He's gone out to the ice cream lady.
• 34:59(singing in foreign language)
• 35:09-[Del] Rodney?
• 35:11(shushing)
• 35:16Rodney?
• 35:21Rodders?
• 35:22- Please be quiet.
• 35:24- I can't find my place.
• 35:26Rodney?
• 35:27- We're over here Del.
• 35:30- Thank you.
• 35:32Excuse me, ta, thanks girl.
• 35:35Excuse me.
• 35:36Here was that your foot?
• 35:37-[Man] Yes.
• 35:38- Sorry, there we are.
• 35:43- For God's sake how long do we have to put up with this?
• 35:45- Well I didn't know there was a carton on the floor.
• 35:48What'd you put it on the floor for?
• 35:49- Well how was I to know you we're gonna tread on it?
• 35:52- Are you going to continue making this noise
• 35:53throughout the entire performance?
• 35:55- I don't know I might let you off the second half.
• 35:57- Del will you please just sit down.
• 36:00-[Woman] I'm trying to listen.
• 36:01- Well why don't you shut up then?
• 36:03-[Man] Will you please be quiet?
• 36:05- I'll come down there and smack you
• 36:06in the eye in a minute John.
• 36:08- Del.
• 36:10Del, just take it easy aye?
• 36:12- Yeah well they're giving me the right hump aren't they?
• 36:15(singing in foreign language)
• 36:25Rodney?
• 36:26- What?
• 36:28- Do you want an ice cream?
• 36:30- No.
• 36:33- I bought you one.
• 36:34- I don't want it.
• 36:38- Vicky?
• 36:39- Yes?
• 36:40- Do you want an ice cream?
• 36:42- No thank you I don't eat ice cream.
• 36:45- Well I bought it for you.
• 36:46- She don't eat ice cream.
• 36:47- I've never ever liked ice cream.
• 36:53- What am I supposed to do with these two?
• 36:55- Well you can stick them where the sun don't shine
• 36:57as far as I'm concerned as long as you shut up.
• 37:00- Well thank you brov, thank you very much.
• 37:05(singing in foreign language)
• 37:16I love this one.
• 37:17(Del whistling to music)
• 37:24- Del.
• 37:26- Rodney I'm whistling.
• 37:27(Del whistling to music)
• 37:48- I am sorry, I am so so sorry.
• 37:52- It wasn't your fault Rodney.
• 37:54I'm not blaming you and you shouldn't blame yourself.
• 37:57- I know but if, oh God.
• 38:07- Breath of fresh air Madam, feel as right as rain.
• 38:10- Thank you very much doctor.
• 38:18- Well the Phantom of the Opera strikes again aye?
• 38:20Still I don't suppose it's the first time
• 38:21someone's been sick in there aye Victoria?
• 38:24- I honestly don't know.
• 38:25I haven't read a full history of the building.
• 38:29- Well you fancy a bite to eat?
• 38:30- No.
• 38:32- I'm really not very hungry.
• 38:43- Is everything alright Miss Victoria?
• 38:45- Not really Eric but not to worry.
• 38:50- Rodney now you just behave yourself
• 38:51if you're seeing her back to her flat tonight.
• 38:54- And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
• 38:56- Listen to me Rodney.
• 38:57The last thing we need at this delicate stage of development
• 38:59is for you to go tubing her.
• 39:04Especially after we made such a good impression tonight.
• 39:07- A good impression?
• 39:09- Well we was alright up until Juney's psychedelic yodle.
• 39:13- Just get away from me Del will you?
• 39:14Just leave me alone.
• 39:22- Oh well come on Juney, let's get you back home.
• 39:27-[June] I'm sorry about tonight Del Boy.
• 39:29I don't know what come over me.
• 39:32-[Del] Nor did the woman in front of you.
• 39:34I mean you've only got yourself to blame Juney.
• 39:36After what you've been shoving down your gullet tonight.
• 39:44- Is this the shop you was on about?
• 39:45- Yep.
• 39:47- Del when you said let's get clothes for my weekend
• 39:50I thought you meant we'd pop down to Soul Bros
• 39:52in Balham for an airy shirt or something.
• 39:54I didn't realize I'd have to get
• 39:55dressed up like a free range wally.
• 39:58- Now listen to me Rodney.
• 39:59I'm not having you going down to Covington House
• 40:01decked out like a Bob Geldof lookalike.
• 40:05I mean have you had a look at yourself recently?
• 40:08I've seen wounds dressed better than you.
• 40:11I'm not having anyone look down on you.
• 40:13You're as good as them and I want the see that you are.
• 40:16- I appreciate that Del and thank you.
• 40:19But putting me into a pair of green wellies
• 40:20will not turn me into Archduke Ferdinand.
• 40:23I will be Rodney Trotter in a pair of green wellies.
• 40:26And that is another thing, don't do that.
• 40:28Another thing, they're having a shooting party ain't they?
• 40:31I disagree with blood sports.
• 40:33- Do me a favor.
• 40:35You'll never hit one of them grouse things, they're fast.
• 40:37- Tell them you've got a wart on your trigger finger.
• 40:40- He ain't gonna say nothing about warts Albert.
• 40:43The Duke would love that wouldn't he aye?
• 40:45His only child marrying someone covered in warts.
• 40:48Don't you say nothing about warts Rodney.
• 40:50- No, no no problem I assure you.
• 40:55I have to go Sir Alan, something's just come in.
• 40:59I mean up, goodbye.
• 41:02Good afternoon gentlemen.
• 41:04May I help you?
• 41:06- Well I hope so I wanna buy some gear.
• 41:08- I see and what is sir's pleasure?
• 41:15- Well birds and curry I suppose.
• 41:18Still I haven't come here to chit chat.
• 41:19I want you to tog him out for a country weekend right.
• 41:22That's the 'acking jackets, stout brogues, and all the X's.
• 41:25Now look, got a monkey there, that should cover it.
• 41:29- Yes, yes of course.
• 41:32If you'd like to come this way sir.
• 41:35- Right come on Rodney let's sort this out.
• 41:37Course he's got some very strange measurements you know.
• 41:40- Don't you worry Rodney.
• 41:41By the time he's finished with you,
• 41:43you'll look just like one of them.
• 41:45- That's what I'm frightened of.
• 41:48-[Henry] Pull.
• 41:50(gun fires)
• 41:51- Good shot your Grace.
• 41:53- I was rather pleased with that myself Patterson.
• 41:55- Pure luck Henry, pure luck.
• 41:57- Thank you Charles I thought you'd clear up the mystery.
• 42:00- Go on let's see you do better.
• 42:02- Now stand back old boy and watch a real master.
• 42:07Pull.
• 42:08(gun fires)
• 42:10- Good shot sir.
• 42:12(all clapping)
• 42:21- Are you hungry?
• 42:22- No no I'm fine thank you.
• 42:23- Well there's plenty to eat.
• 42:25- Well perhaps I'll have something to eat in a moment.
• 42:26Thank you.
• 42:28- What do you think of it so far?
• 42:31- Very interesting, I'm really enjoying myself thank you.
• 42:35- Rodney you keep on saying thank you.
• 42:39- Do I?
• 42:40- Yes, I just thought I'd mention it.
• 42:43I hope you don't mind?
• 42:44- No, thank you for, oh sorry.
• 42:47- Don't mention it.
• 42:48- Thank you.
• 42:49I said that one on purpose though.
• 42:51- I know you did.
• 42:53Have you ever used a double barrelled before?
• 42:56- Oh a, no no.
• 43:00I had an airgun when I was a kid.
• 43:02- Would you like to try?
• 43:04- No no I'll just watch.
• 43:07- Come on don't be such an old stick in the mud.
• 43:09Daddy do you have a gun there for Rodney?
• 43:13- Yes of course darling.
• 43:15Patterson let's have that Purdey there will you?
• 43:17- Yes your Grace.
• 43:19-[Henry] Have you done this sort of thing before Rodney?
• 43:21- No, I'll just watch if you like.
• 43:23- Oh nonsense nonsense, nothing to it.
• 43:25Now look this is what you do to load it.
• 43:27Close the gun right, there's the safety catch.
• 43:29You let that off, both triggers.
• 43:31And what you do is keep this close in
• 43:33because of the kick and get the two barrels.
• 43:34Both eyes open, cover it and then fire alright.
• 43:38- Alright yeah, thank you your Grace.
• 43:40- Oh Henry, Henry please.
• 43:41- Henry thank you.
• 43:42- Would you like these?
• 43:43- Yeah thank you.
• 44:03What do I say to him?
• 44:04(all shouting at once)
• 44:05What?
• 44:06(all shouting at once)
• 44:08- Shut up Victoria no up, up up.
• 44:09-[Vicky] Down, put it down.
• 44:10- Up up up, up, up!
• 44:16Look I'm sorry old boy but when you
• 44:18have a gun you never never point--
• 44:19- I just realized what I did I'm sorry.
• 44:22Sorry.
• 44:23- Yes well I'm terribly, probably my fault.
• 44:25I should have told you alright.
• 44:26Now look like that.
• 44:28Now when you're ready just say pull and then, yes alright?
• 44:33- Pull alright, thank you.
• 44:43Pull.
• 44:47(gun fires)
• 44:56- Is he of a nervous disposition?
• 44:58- Not as far as I know.
• 45:01- Would you like me to take that for you sir?
• 45:04- What?
• 45:06Oh.
• 45:10Thank you.
• 45:14- Well that was a jolly good try Rodney.
• 45:18- Thank you.
• 45:34- Are you alright?
• 45:36- Yes thank you.
• 45:37- You seem somewhat shocked.
• 45:39It wasn't the gun was it?
• 45:42- No no I'm fine.
• 45:44- I'll get you a drink.
• 45:47- Thank you.
• 46:06Come on where are ya?
• 46:10I know you're out there somewhere
• 46:11you three wheeled yellow bastard.
• 46:23I'm sure it was there.
• 46:27I saw it.
• 46:30(gun fires)
• 46:37- Tally ho there Rodders.
• 46:56Good morning, tally ho there.
• 47:00Couldn't have picked a better day for it could you?
• 47:02(gun fires)
• 47:05- Go away.
• 47:06- Hello again, I didn't expect to see you here.
• 47:09- Well I didn't expect to see me here.
• 47:12- And I didn't expect to see me here either.
• 47:15I was supposed to be down at the Legion
• 47:17playing in the crib championship.
• 47:18Instead of that he drags me all
• 47:20the way out to bloody Berkshire.
• 47:22- Cheers darling, thank you I needed that.
• 47:26It's lovely.
• 47:28Listen let me explain what happened right.
• 47:29Well I was tidying up the flat
• 47:33and guess what I found in one of the wardrobes.
• 47:35Only his evening suit.
• 47:38Well I thought to meself he's left it behind.
• 47:41He can't go to dinner dressed like that.
• 47:42So I had no option but to drive it down here.
• 47:45- I see.
• 47:46Well that was very nice of you.
• 47:49Wasn't it Rodney?
• 47:51- Yeah.
• 47:53-[Vicky] Daddy.
• 47:54- You bloody liar, I packed my evening suit.
• 47:57I packed it, I, I packed it myself personally.
• 48:01- Couldn't have done Rodney 'cause
• 48:01how did it get back in the wardrobe?
• 48:02- Because you took it out of my suitcase after I packed it.
• 48:05- Now why would I want to do a thing like that aye?
• 48:07- So as you could bloody well come down here.
• 48:09- Daddy this is Rodney's brother Derek Trotter.
• 48:14Derek I'd like you to meet my father--
• 48:15- No introductions necessary.
• 48:17I recognize your photograph from The Sporting Life.
• 48:19Tell me how's Handsome Samson?
• 48:22Has he got over that fat lot sprain yet?
• 48:23- Yes he's doing very nicely thank you.
• 48:26- Good and what about the Derby next year?
• 48:27Will he be trying?
• 48:28- Trying?
• 48:30Mr Trotter it's the Derby everyone will be trying.
• 48:33- Good, as long as I know where to put my money your Grace.
• 48:39- Victoria tells me you've driven all the way down
• 48:41from London with Rodney's dinner jacket.
• 48:44That's jolly decent of you, you must be exhausted.
• 48:46- Well I am cream crackered your Grace.
• 48:48Don't worry I'll just mooch around here
• 48:50until I get me strength up for the journey back.
• 48:52- Yes well do make yourself at home won't you?
• 48:54If you're around later I'm sure
• 48:55cook will provide you with something to eat.
• 48:57Oh stay for dinner?
• 48:58Oh well (speaking in foreign language)
• 49:01And as luck would have it as I was
• 49:02getting Rodney's evening suit out of
• 49:04the wardrobe mine came along with it.
• 49:06So I've got all my gear here.
• 49:10- Dinner.
• 49:13Patterson will you set another place
• 49:14for dinner tonight please?
• 49:15- For this gentleman?
• 49:17- Yes Patterson.
• 49:18Of course your Grace.
• 49:19- Well that's very civil of you.
• 49:20Thank you very much.
• 49:25- Would you mind if I had a pot shot?
• 49:29- Of course not.
• 49:30Patterson grab a gun for Mr. Trotter.
• 49:33- No need, no need sir.
• 49:34I have brought my own weapon.
• 49:37Albert would you mind?
• 49:44- Albert would you mind?
• 49:46Who'd care bloody less than I minded or not?
• 49:48Fight for your country, go down shark infested seas.
• 49:52What thanks do you get?
• 49:53I'll tell you, no thanks even from you own relatives.
• 49:57They turn you into a gun hauler.
• 50:02Here you are and don't ask for nothing else.
• 50:07- Thank you my good man, you may retire.
• 50:10- I thought I done that bloody ages ago.
• 50:14- He's been with us for years.
• 50:16He's a bit like the income tax.
• 50:25- Would you like these sir?
• 50:28- No I can't listen to music when I'm shooting.
• 50:33Quite ready when you are John.
• 50:35- Do you mean pull?
• 50:37- Oh sorry Paul, on your own time my sir.
• 50:42(gun fires)
• 50:52I'll be alright when I get me eye in.
• 50:57-[Rodney] Where did you get that gun from?
• 50:59- Iggy Iggins.
• 51:00- Iggy Iggins?
• 51:02Iggy Iggins robs banks.
• 51:04- I know but it's Saturday.
• 51:08Right any smoke salmon sandwiches there pal?
• 51:13(party music)
• 51:29Look at that Rodney.
• 51:32What a sight aye?
• 51:35Makes you proud to be British.
• 51:38They know the difference between cucumber sandwiches
• 51:40and egg on toast this lot don't they?
• 51:44Alright?
• 51:47Splendid.
• 51:50- Look Del don't, listen.
• 51:53I was nervous enough about this weekend
• 51:55and that was without you being here.
• 51:58But you arrived and your presence alarms me.
• 52:04What I'm trying to say is behave yourself please.
• 52:08- Alright, alright Rodney.
• 52:10Listen I want you to know something.
• 52:12No matter what happens tonight I'm doing it for you.
• 52:18- What do you mean, what's gonna happen?
• 52:20- No nothing nothing.
• 52:21- What are you gonna do for me?
• 52:22- I'm just gonna help you make a good impression that's all.
• 52:25- I do not want to make a bloody impression.
• 52:27- You will make an impression tonight.
• 52:28- You can cut that jabber to start.
• 52:33Look at that look, you've got the creme
• 52:35de menthe of British nobility down there.
• 52:38Look at that mate,
• 52:39there's no one down there lower than a Dowager.
• 52:42What do you want them to think?
• 52:43We're just the hoi polloi?
• 52:45No, we'll be on our bestest behavior tonight.
• 52:51- So we are agreed on that then?
• 52:52- Right.
• 52:58Oh look at the lumps on that.
• 53:08Right come on.
• 53:14Alright evening, evening, evening dear.
• 53:26Thank you John.
• 53:31Alright Henry?
• 53:34- Good evening Trotter.
• 53:38- Is that a Da Vinci?
• 53:41- No it's not a Da Vinci.
• 53:42- What a shame.
• 53:43He's my most favorite artist.
• 53:46Have you seen that cartoon of his?
• 53:49Laughed for days on that one.
• 53:53Course he did the old Mona Lisa and all you know.
• 53:55- Oh really?
• 53:56- Oh yeah she's the one with the,
• 53:58you know she's got the energetic smile.
• 54:01You can you can't tell whether she's just about
• 54:02to grin or she's sucking a sweet that one.
• 54:05- That is a Pissarro.
• 54:09- I don't know I've seen worse.
• 54:11- It is by Camille Pissarro, a 19th century impressionist.
• 54:16- Oh what like Mike Yarwood?
• 54:19- Yes just like Mike Yarwood.
• 54:21Oh and he did a bit of painting and all.
• 54:23- Yes.
• 54:24- Marvelous isn't aye?
• 54:26You learn something new every day don't you?
• 54:27- You do.
• 54:28- I tell-- - Good evening sir.
• 54:31(blender running)
• 54:34- Keep your eyes on those peas Shirley.
• 54:39There we are Albert.
• 54:42- Thank you victory much Mrs. Miles.
• 54:44I'll give you a word of warning.
• 54:46Don't give Mr Trotter any piggies.
• 54:48They'll go everywhere.
• 54:50- I'll tell Mr Patterson.
• 54:54Who are your people Albert?
• 54:56- They're not people, they're my nephews.
• 54:59- So they're not of noble birth then?
• 55:02- Noble, the nearest them two have got
• 55:04to nobility was their Great Uncle Jack.
• 55:06He was a tobacco baron.
• 55:08The noisy one is a fly pitcher,
• 55:10and the young one's his apprentice.
• 55:13- So that's what you lot do then?
• 55:15Sell things on street corners?
• 55:18- Not me madam, I was a career man.
• 55:21I was in the Navy for 30 years man and boy.
• 55:24I've been round the world more times than a satellite.
• 55:27I fought in the Battle of the Atlantic,
• 55:29Battle of the Pacific, Russian convoys.
• 55:32You name it I was there.
• 55:34- I bet you could tell a tale or two hey Albert.
• 55:37- I never talk about it.
• 55:40- I understand.
• 55:42Bet it brings back too many memories.
• 55:44Yeah you're right.
• 55:46I remember once we was in the South China Sea.
• 55:49We knew there were mines about you see and this--
• 55:52- That little fella out there
• 55:53is really knocking back the champers.
• 55:55He's had nearly three quarters
• 55:56of a bottle to himself already.
• 55:58He keeps talking about Leonardo da Vinci.
• 56:00It's like he knew him.
• 56:02- Tell Mr. Patterson.
• 56:04He might be able to discreetly suggest
• 56:07that the gentleman moderates his drinking.
• 56:12- Anyway as I was saying, I never talk about it.
• 56:16- Never talk about what?
• 56:18- About all my days in the Navy,
• 56:20fought all the battles and everything.
• 56:22But on this particular day in the South China Sea
• 56:25the old Captain came to us---
• 56:27- Are we nearly ready to serve Mrs. Miles?
• 56:29-[Miles] Ready when you are Mr. Patterson.
• 56:31- Good I want to get Leonardo da Vinici's best friend
• 56:33sat down before he falls down.
• 56:36He's some relation of yours isn't he?
• 56:38- Who, Leonardo da Vinici?
• 56:40- No no no, the gentleman outside who thinks
• 56:42the stuffed olives are pickled grapes.
• 56:44- Yeah, yeah sort of.
• 56:47- Is he an ex-Navy man as well Albert?
• 56:48- Him?
• 56:50You must be joking.
• 56:52He thinks a clipper is something you do your hair with.
• 56:55No I'm the only one in our family who ever went to sea.
• 56:59Or tell a lie.
• 57:01My grandmothers brother was Safety Officer on the Titanic.
• 57:08But I never talk about it.
• 57:23- Henry who's that young chap with Victoria?
• 57:28- Oh he's just a friend.
• 57:30She met in the street market.
• 57:31She's going through her working artist stage at the moment.
• 57:35Just like her mother bless her.
• 57:37It's just a phase you know, she's often bringing these
• 57:38colorful characters down for the weekend.
• 57:41Do you remember that chap who looked like a gypsy
• 57:43arrived with a bull terrier and a stolen Escort?
• 57:47- Oh yes, yes he beat up Patterson in the library.
• 57:51- Oh yes he did.
• 57:52Well anyway this chap Roland,
• 57:54no Rodney Rodney he's an artist too.
• 57:57- And the other fellow?
• 57:59His brother?
• 58:00(Del laughs loudly)
• 58:02- Yes well he's the biggest...
• 58:05He's the biggest artist of them all.
• 58:07-[Del] Henry is that a da Vinci?
• 58:11- No.
• 58:13-[Del] Nice though isn't it?
• 58:15- It's just a phase as I was saying.
• 58:23- Patterson give us a little top-a-rooney will you pal?
• 58:26Cheers, go my son.
• 58:29Thank you.
• 58:33- Del would you leave that wine alone?
• 58:36You ain't in the Star of Bengal now.
• 58:38- What's wrong with you?
• 58:39I'm just enjoying myself that's all.
• 58:40- I know but when you enjoy yourself nobody else does.
• 58:46- Trust me Rodney, trust me.
• 58:48We're reaching the point in the evening
• 58:51when I'm going to project you.
• 58:55- I do not want to be projected have you got that?
• 58:58I want to stay extremely unprojected.
• 59:04- Hold her hand.
• 59:07- What?
• 59:09- Hold her hand.
• 59:13- Shut up.
• 59:17- I think he's a little drunk.
• 59:22- He's always been a little drunk.
• 59:24- That was a blinding meal that your ladyship one aye?
• 59:27- Yes, excellent.
• 59:28- What did you have, the pheasant?
• 59:29- Yes, pheasant.
• 59:30- I had the quails with peas and gravy.
• 59:34- So you did.
• 59:35- Tell me, it's Trotter isn't it?
• 59:39- Yes that's right but my friends call me Del.
• 59:42- I see.
• 59:43Tell me Trotter how do you come to know Henry?
• 59:48- Who?
• 59:49Oh Henry, Henry oh yeah well.
• 59:51His daughter, the pretty one in the blue
• 59:53is getting engaged to my younger brother Rodney.
• 59:57That's the ugly one over there in the white.
• 59:58- Engaged?
• 59:59(shushing)
• 60:01- Keep it under your tiara.
• 60:02We don't want the media to hear about it.
• 60:04Remember what happened to Andrew and Fergie.
• 60:06They couldn't even fart without there being a newsflash.
• 60:10Couldn't they, aye?
• 60:12There he is.
• 60:14Good man.
• 60:16Oops, hello, you've drawn a blank there your ladyship.
• 60:19Nevermind I suspect your carafe will
• 60:21be coming along in a minute aye?
• 60:24You can have a slug of mine if
• 60:24you like while you're waiting.
• 60:26- I was in the life raft about 20 yards from him.
• 60:31The current was so strong I couldn't reach him.
• 60:34It was awful.
• 60:36That story will haunt me till the day I die.
• 60:39- I know the feeling.
• 60:42(glass ringing loudly)
• 60:57- That's how you can tell they're proper crystal.
• 60:59- Really?
• 61:00-[Del] Yeah.
• 61:01- Thank you.
• 61:02- Pleasure.
• 61:05- I don't want to worry you Henry old man.
• 61:07But he actually threw banana skin
• 61:10in your chandelier lighting gear.
• 61:13- Good grief.
• 61:15- These are nice Victoria.
• 61:17What are they Ravenhead I think?
• 61:19- No, it's Stowbridge Crystal.
• 61:21It's been in the family for generations.
• 61:25- Put it down.
• 61:31- Look at that that's nice there hey?
• 61:32Look at that, craftsmanship that.
• 61:33Henry this knife?
• 61:35- It is not a da Vinci.
• 61:37- Ah, solid silver though I'll wager.
• 61:40- Yes they were made by William Cordhill in 1648.
• 61:44- Cool, they've come up well though haven't they aye?
• 61:49(glass tinkling)
• 61:55Here that tone?
• 61:57Yeah it's great isn't it?
• 61:58Makes you proud to be British there.
• 61:59Course me and Rodney you know were involved in cutlery.
• 62:03Well it's canteens of cutlery par excellence.
• 62:07Actually I've got some in the van.
• 62:10I could pop out and get some for you if you like.
• 62:11- Del.
• 62:12Just leave it eh?
• 62:15- Alright alright.
• 62:18Don't worry girl we'll pop out later on won't we?
• 62:21- Which part of London are you from Rodney?
• 62:24- Peckham.
• 62:27Peckham.
• 62:29Peckham in London.
• 62:31- Really?
• 62:32Not too far from me.
• 62:34I have a flat in Chelsea.
• 62:36- Rodney's taking me to Stamford Bridge
• 62:37to see someone play soccer.
• 62:39- Oh you're one of the faithful.
• 62:41I'm a Blues fan myself.
• 62:42Have you taken a box?
• 62:46- He doesn't need a box does he?
• 62:47He's tall enough to see isn't he?
• 62:50- No I meant a private box in the new stand.
• 62:53- No I'm usually in the shed.
• 62:55- Yes I've often seen the chaps
• 62:56in the shed, looks great fun.
• 62:58I'm a great Dixon fan.
• 63:01- Which Dixon's that?
• 63:05- Dixon of Chelsea.
• 63:06- Him, I'd rather play Dixon of Dock Green.
• 63:10He can't dribble like Jimmy Grieves could.
• 63:13- Well maybe not but he's still a fine player.
• 63:16Yeah I mean he's good in the air.
• 63:18- So's Biggles.
• 63:21Rodney, Rodney had a great future you know as an athlete.
• 63:26- Well that's jolly interesting.
• 63:27Rodney which area of athletics?
• 63:35- Well it was a--
• 63:37- It was all sorts, all sorts ain't it Rodney aye?
• 63:39It was running an jumping over things.
• 63:41And chucking things about wasn't it, all sorts?
• 63:44In fact the headmaster of his university
• 63:46wanted him to go on to the Olympics.
• 63:51But he said no 'cause he wanted
• 63:52to concentrate on his business.
• 63:54'Cause that is where his true talent lies.
• 63:57I mean he's a future whiz kid.
• 63:59He's got two GCEs.
• 64:04This time next year he's gonna be a millionaire.
• 64:07- That's very nice to hear.
• 64:10Which university were you at?
• 64:15- It wasn't actually a university.
• 64:20- Rodney was at an art college Daddy in Basingstoke.
• 64:24- Basing?
• 64:26Oh yes I've heard very good things about it.
• 64:30- How long were you there old chap?
• 64:34- Three weeks.
• 64:36- Oh three weeks?
• 64:40- I left for personal reasons.
• 64:44-[Del] Weren't his fault.
• 64:45- Del.
• 64:47- No Rodney no it's alright.
• 64:48It's important that these good people know the whole truth.
• 64:52They weren't his drugs, what he was found in possession of.
• 64:58Alright no, no they weren't alright.
• 65:00They belonged to this Chinese tart.
• 65:02The story is see that he went down to her room
• 65:04right to borrow a box of chalks.
• 65:06And she said right you know come in Rodney
• 65:09and have a puff of this and before you know what happened
• 65:11the old SGB they burst in and he was caught
• 65:14bang to rights with a reefer you know.
• 65:17But I mean he was two or three miles away
• 65:20in a black moriah before he even said like you know man
• 65:23or anything like that were you?
• 65:26I just wanted you all to know you know about this
• 65:29drugs conviction just in case you know
• 65:31it was ever brought up by the gutter press.
• 65:34I just wanted you to know that he was
• 65:35done up like a kipper wasn't you aye?
• 65:38Right good boy.
• 65:40Hey listen let's liven the proceedings up a bit shall we?
• 65:44Little Richard did this station entitled
• 65:48Don't Worry Mother You're Son Will soon be Back.
• 65:51He's Sailing Round the World on a Grimsby Fishing Smack.
• 65:56Listen I'll tell you another, no I'll tell you one.
• 65:59You'll like this one listen, listen.
• 66:00Right then, the boy stood on the burning deck.
• 66:05The water shown like glass.
• 66:08A birdy then flew down his neck
• 66:10and burned him on the ankle.
• 66:11(Del laughing)
• 66:21(Albert sighs)
• 66:24You thought I was gonna say ass didn't you?
• 66:27Oh that's the joke you see, that's good.
• 66:30Listen I'll tell another one.
• 66:31Listen you'll like this one.
• 66:32Have you heard the one about
• 66:33the Irish bloke on the skiing holiday?
• 66:35There was this Irish bloke right and he won a holiday
• 66:39in a contest of some sort or another to go skiing right.
• 66:43You'll love this, this is a killer.
• 66:45- Trotter!
• 66:46I want a word with you outside now!
• 66:49- Yeah alright.
• 66:51Alright, right you are Henry.
• 66:52Well see you later.
• 66:59Now I'll clinch the deal.
• 67:05(door shuts)
• 67:13- Now listen to me Trotter.
• 67:15-[Vicky] Are you still staying overnight?
• 67:22Or not?
• 67:26- I'd better, best get off home now.
• 67:31- Fine.
• 67:33It was...
• 67:38Yes.
• 67:41- I want you and all your kith and kin
• 67:43out of my house and off my land now!
• 67:47- You don't want to talk about arrangements?
• 67:48- Arrangements, what arrangements?
• 67:51- For Victoria and Rodney's wedding.
• 67:53- Wedding?
• 67:54What do you mean wedding?
• 67:56- Hang on Henry.
• 67:58Don't tell me no one's told you.
• 68:01I hope I haven't spoiled a wonderful surprise.
• 68:04- A wonderful surprise for whom?
• 68:06- For youm.
• 68:08I thought we might make the announcements
• 68:10in the Times, in Country Life, and the Peckham Echo.
• 68:16What do you think?
• 68:19- I don't believe what I am hearing.
• 68:22My daughter is marrying no one.
• 68:24In two months time she is going to America.
• 68:26She is doing a years course at the New York School of Art.
• 68:30- They'll probably take need that in on their honeymoon.
• 68:34Two months?
• 68:35We'll have to book the old cathedral a bit late won't we?
• 68:38- The only thing you will be booking
• 68:40is a bed in intensive care.
• 68:42Your brother is not, I repeat not marrying my daughter!
• 68:50- Just a minute Henry.
• 68:52We're not just a couple of yippedy ois.
• 68:54We know how to conduct ourselves.
• 68:57In fact there is a rumor going around
• 68:58that we are related to the Surrey Trotters.
• 69:01- I don't care if you are related to
• 69:03the Surrey Trotters, or to the Berkshire Trotters,
• 69:06or to the Harlem bloody Globetrotters.
• 69:09I want that young man out of my daughter's life.
• 69:16- I don't know how you're gonna do that because
• 69:17that Victoria seems pretty stuck on him isn't she?
• 69:21- Well I will find some way of unsticking her.
• 69:23Have no fear of that.
• 69:25- Well it's not gonna be easy 'cause
• 69:26I know Rodney and I know him only too well.
• 69:29I can't think of anything that would make him leave her.
• 69:32Well when I say anything well there's one thing.
• 69:37- And what's that?
• 69:41- Why don't we go into your study
• 69:43and discuss it over a glass of brandy?
• 69:46- Alright come on, come on, come on, in here.
• 69:47Come on!
• 69:51-[Del] What is that one?
• 69:51-[Henry] That's a bloody da Vinci!
• 69:53(door slams)
• 70:21- Rodders.
• 70:26Rodney I was trying to make an impression.
• 70:30- Oh you made an impression Del.
• 70:34It was similar to the impression
• 70:36the Americans made at Nagasaki.
• 70:39- Listen Rod.
• 70:41Rodney, just a minute will ya?
• 70:46- Why don't you just stay out of my life?
• 70:49For as long as I can remember Del it's always been the same.
• 70:51It's just you sticking your oar in.
• 70:58What about that time I joined the Army Cadets?
• 71:02And then you discovered the boy I shared a tent with
• 71:04had a relative who was a big noise in show business
• 71:07and well that was the end of my military career wasn't it?
• 71:10I was gonna be a child star.
• 71:14So I was demoted straight into a tap dancing school
• 71:17before I could say who goes there?
• 71:19And that was just an embarrassment as well.
• 71:21Just like tonight.
• 71:23I was the only kid in that school
• 71:26who never had a proper set of tap dancing shoes.
• 71:32- Only 'cause your army boots made more noise.
• 71:35- They made more noise alright.
• 71:38I used to make Zip A Dee Doo Dah
• 71:39sound like the advance on Leningrad.
• 71:44You see you had to interfere.
• 71:49And now you've interfered between me and Vicky ain't you?
• 71:53You humiliated me.
• 71:54You destroyed me in front of all them people.
• 71:58And you ruined my opportunity of sharing a warm
• 72:01and friendly relationship with somebody I respected.
• 72:07And on top of all that Del, on top of all that
• 72:12I think I've broken my hand.
• 72:16- Let's have a look at it then.
• 72:17- Don't, get away from me.
• 72:19Leave me alone.
• 72:24You even went and told the joke about the Irish bloke
• 72:26on the skiing holiday didn't you?
• 72:33But do you know what the most painful
• 72:35incident of the entire evening was?
• 72:39His Grace called me into his study for a little chat.
• 72:46Said he wanted me to stop seeing Victoria.
• 72:50Said he wanted me out of her life now and for good.
• 72:54Do you know he even offered me money?
• 72:58- No?
• 73:00- Yeah, well you can imagine how I felt can't you?
• 73:03- Well yeah, horrible Rodney.
• 73:06You must have felt really horrible.
• 73:08Well I would have told him what he could do with his money.
• 73:10- I did so.
• 73:11- Good boy.
• 73:16What, you said nitto to a grand?
• 73:20- Yes I did.
• 73:23I still have some of my self esteem left in...
• 73:29How did you know he offered me a grand?
• 73:32- Aye?
• 73:34- How did you know he offered me a thousand pounds?
• 73:38- It's about the going rate to get
• 73:40a plonker out of your daughter's life.
• 73:43- You arranged it didn't ya?
• 73:45- No, no not actually arranged it.
• 73:50Look them sort of people, they're looked after
• 73:52by the Special Branch and MI6.
• 73:55Don't you think that when they ran your name
• 73:56through their computer and found out
• 73:58that you'd got a conviction, if you'd refused
• 74:00to get out of Vicky's life well
• 74:01they would have sent a hit team.
• 74:06You would have been brown bread brother.
• 74:09I thought to meself well a grand on the hip is worth more
• 74:12than a poison umbrella up your jacksie isn't it?
• 74:16But you turned it down you you dipstick?
• 74:19- Yes I did.
• 74:21Del I refuse to become a lot number in one of your auctions.
• 74:26But you can't understand that can you?
• 74:28You just can't understand.
• 74:33- Of course I can understand Rodney.
• 74:37Look I'm sorry I hurt you Rodney.
• 74:43Don't hate me please brother.
• 74:47- I don't hate you.
• 74:51I don't bloody like you.
• 74:55- Well that'll do me Rodney.
• 74:58Put it there.
• 75:05Now what are ya?
• 75:06What are ya aye, aye?
• 75:13♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
• 75:14♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
• 75:16♫ TV's deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
• 75:19♫ Ball games gold chains
• 75:20♫ What's their names and at a push
• 75:22♫ Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
• 75:23♫ From a mush in Shepherd's Bush
• 75:25♫ Bush Bush Bush Bush Bush Bush
• 75:28♫ No income tax no VAT
• 75:31♫ No money back no guarantee
• 75:34♫ Black or white rich or broke
• 75:37♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
• 75:42♫ God bless Hooky Street
• 75:45♫ Viva Hooky Street
• 75:48♫ Long live Hooky Street
• 75:51♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
• 75:54♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
• 75:59♫ Hooky Street
• 76:02♫ Hooky Street
• 76:05♫ Hooky Street
• 76:08♫ Hooky Street