Only Fools and Horses S00E06 — A Royal Flush

Every line from “A Royal Flush” (1556 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11♫ 'Cause if you want the best ones
00:13♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one what's driving me berserk
00:30♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la la
00:35♫ La la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:43- Look at the quality.
00:45I mean that quality,
00:46that is the titmus test isn't it, the quality?
00:48Now these are handmade from Indonesian steel.
00:52They've got an ivory effect handle and they come in
00:55look at that a genuine synthetic leather lookalike case.
01:01Right now these canteens of cutlery
01:03are a very exclusive line.
01:04You can only buy these in Harrods,
01:06Liberty, and Patel's Multi Mart.
01:09Right now take a look at that ladies.
01:11Just take a look what can't speak can't lie.
01:13Alright darling put your binoculars away
01:15'cause I can tell you exactly what it says.
01:17Manufacturer's recommended retail price
01:1942 pounds and 99 pence.
01:22- You could have printed them yourself.
01:24- Say what?
01:25- I said you could have printed them yourself.
01:26- Do me a favor pal.
01:28Do I look like Rupert Maxwell?
01:29- There's two M's in recommend.
01:33- That is because they're printed in Indonesia.
01:37That's Indonesian spelling.
01:38They can't spell that there can they you blonker?
01:39Now listen to me I'm not gonna ask you
01:42for 42 pounds 99, I wouldn't dream of it.
01:45I haven't come here to strife you up, now listen.
01:47I'm not even gonna ask you for a score.
01:49Now is that if I said, I said to you give me a tenner
01:52you'd think you were on a right result wouldn't you?
01:54But I'm not gonna ask you for a tenner alright
01:56now listen, I don't want that, I don't want a tenner.
01:58Put your money away love.
01:59Now listen before I tell you how much
02:01I want for this wonderful canteen of cutlery
02:03I want anyone of a nervous disposition,
02:05anyone with a weak heart to move along please
02:07because I do not want to be held responsible
02:09as I'm only insured for third party fire and theft.
02:12Right now here we go, listen to me.
02:15Here we go a 36 piece canteen of cutlery made in Indonesia,
02:19handmade genuine synthetic leather case,
02:21manufacturer's recommended retail price 42 pounds 99,
02:24yours for first come first served three pounds 50.
02:28(crowd groaning)
02:31What do you mean? (pretending to groan)
02:33Come on look, do me a favor.
02:34Look take away from me before it hurts come on.
02:36Look what do you want jam on it?
02:38- It can't be top quality, they're too cheap.
02:41- What how can it be too cheap you plonker.
02:44- Hey listen I'm not a plonker.
02:45- No, what are you doing then, an impression?
02:47(all laughing)
02:49Now listen, come on, you'll not get
02:50another bargain like this again.
02:52-[Objector] I bet we don't get guarantees with them.
02:54- Yes you do, you do get a guarantee.
02:55I'll guarantee that you get a smack in the mooey
02:58in a minute old cocker if you don't move on.
02:59Go away and annoy someone else for a month or two won't you?
03:03- Hello.
03:05- Hi, this your first day in the market?
03:08- First day.
03:10- I thought I hadn't seen you here before.
03:15This all your own work?
03:16-[Vicky] Afraid so.
03:18- Nice, it's really good yeah.
03:20- Do you really think so?
03:22It's awfully sweet of you.
03:24- I'm an artist.
03:26I went away to college for a while.
03:28- Really?
03:29I was at the Milan School of Art
03:30for two years then I had a spell at the Sorbonne.
03:33Where were you?
03:34- Basingstoke.
03:36- Basingstoke?
03:38I don't think I've heard of it.
03:40- It's a big town in Hampshire.
03:42- Oh no I meant that I hadn't heard of
03:43the Basingstoke College of Art.
03:45- Oh it's quite famous, well in Basingstoke.
03:52By the way my name is Rodney.
03:54- Victoria, well Vicky.
03:57- Right come on in ladies come on now.
03:58Make your neighbors jealous.
03:59You know only the finest steel
04:00goes into making this premier cutlery
04:03producing the sharpest cutting edge you've ever experienced.
04:07- Yeah, but how do we know that?
04:09- Run your wrist gently down the blade and you'll find out.
04:14- You alright Del Boy?
04:16- Alright, alright Trig come on.
04:19I'd rather have shingles than these knives and forks.
04:21At least you can get rid of shingles.
04:23How are things with you Trig?
04:24- Known it worse.
04:25- Have you, I haven't.
04:28Alright listen to me,
04:28I'll let you have them at cost alright?
04:30Now that's three quid a box.
04:31Now come on you know it makes sense.
04:33- Three quid?
04:34Here I'll have one of them Del.
04:42- What do you mean you'll have one of them?
04:45- Three pounds they're a bargain.
04:48- Trigger those are the ones
04:49that you sold me last week for a nicker each.
04:54- No, they ain't the same, mine didn't have them on.
05:00- I don't believe you mate.
05:01Alright Trig you stay here.
05:03I'm gonna go and give Mrs. Dianne a bell.
05:08Alright come on listen.
05:09Now as I gotta get rid of this stuff now 'cause I...
05:14Alright quick away you go everyone, everyone.
05:16Go on before you get your collars felt.
05:17Go on away you go.
05:24Look at that stupid little dipstick.
05:33I'm surrounded.
05:35Now I know how General Custard felt.
05:38Trigger quick, quick.
05:39Listen, just do exactly as I say.
05:45- You are looking for the Hilton Hotel?
05:49- Si, Hilton Hotel.
05:52- Turn left at the top of the road.
05:56- Si.
05:57- And you'll see a bus stop, big red bus.
06:03- Si.
06:04- Take the 159 to Park Lane
06:10and that is where the Hilton Hotel is.
06:15- Oh Si (speaking in foreign language)
06:27- Don't get many tourists round this way eh officer?
06:31- No, especially tourists that speak
06:34three different languages all at once.
06:40-[Rodney] How much is that one?
06:41-[Vicky] That's 50 pounds.
06:44- And what about the one next to it?
06:46- That's 85.
06:50- Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice Vicky?
06:53See people round here don't pay 85 pounds for a painting.
06:57People round here don't pay 85 pounds for a car.
07:01- But surely everybody has paintings in their homes.
07:03Yeah but they don't get them from galleries
07:05and what have you, they get them from
07:07British Home Stores and prize bingo.
07:09I reckon you've picked the wrong market here.
07:13You ought to go down and have a crack at Portobello Road.
07:14You might be in with a shot then.
07:17- Perhaps you're right.
07:19Oh well, nothing ventured.
07:23Would you be an absolute love
07:25and help me take this stuff back to my car?
07:28- I'd like to but I'm a bit busy with me.
07:33He must have sold it early and gone for something to eat.
07:37Well in that case I'm at your service Miss.
07:39- Oh that's awfully sweet of you.
07:42I'm sorry, I didn't.
07:43- Oh, Rodney.
07:45- Wotcha Dave?
07:49- My name is Rodney, he's just very thick.
07:52- I see.
07:55What line of business are you in Rodney?
07:57- I'm a partner in a partnership.
08:00- Me and my brother we buy and sell this and that.
08:03- Do you specialize?
08:04- No.
08:06- I envy you.
08:08It must be wonderful to work in a market every day.
08:10I find it very stimulating.
08:12It's all the hustle and bustle
08:14and the lovely characters one sees.
08:17Course I know they're not all lovely.
08:21Did you spot that noisy little person
08:23selling the tatty cutlery?
08:24- Yeah, that's my brother.
08:27- Oh look I'm frightfully sorry.
08:29When I said noisy I didn't--
08:30- No no no you're right he is noisy.
08:33He's always been noisy.
08:35But he's as good as gold really.
08:37I sort of look after him.
08:40- I see, I haven't got any brothers or sisters.
08:43- No, do you want him?
08:44- No thank you.
08:47Well here's the old crate.
08:50- Nice car.
08:53- Yes I got it for a birthday present.
08:55- Yeah, I got a Nik Kershaw LP.
09:06Right well I'm off for something to eat.
09:08I'll see you around aye Vicky.
09:10- Where do you lunch?
09:11- I usually go down the Fatty Thumb.
09:14- The Fatty Thumb?
09:16- Well yeah it's Sid's Caff really.
09:17But we call it that out of affection just out of affection.
09:20- May I join you?
09:22- You, at The Fatty Thumb?
09:25I don't think you'd like it Victoria.
09:27It's all steam and bacteria, it's horrible really.
09:31- You know Rodney I get the feeling
09:33that you're an inverted snob.
09:35Come on, jump in and I'll chauffeur you down there.
09:40- You won't like it Victoria.
09:44I don't like it and I'm a regular.
09:46Look there's a McDonald's around the corner.
09:52- Egg and chips, egg sausage and chips,
09:53egg sausage beans and chips.
09:57Pie and chips, pie chips and pea.
09:59- Egg bubble beans twice?
10:00- Oh here you go Rodney.
10:01Don't forget your tea mate.
10:04Two dripping toast, bacon and egg and a slice.
10:15- Here we go then Vicky.
10:18- I think it's absolutely lovely in here.
10:22- Yes it is good isn't it?
10:25- Is this the buffalo sweet?
10:28- Yeah, yeah it's a double.
10:30- What is it actually?
10:32- Well it's sort of greens and potatoes
10:38and then you sort of mix it all up and fry it.
10:44- It's absolutely munchy.
10:47-[Customer] This machine's broke again Sid.
10:49- If you wouldn't keep tilting
10:50the sodding thing it wouldn't break would it?
10:53- So you're not from round Peckham White?
10:56- No, I was born and raised up in Berkshire.
11:00I've been in London for about three months now.
11:04Have you always lived in London?
11:05- Yeah always.
11:07- I've been wanting to live in London for ages.
11:10Berkshire's so boring, boring Berkshire I call it.
11:16I wanted to be near the art galleries.
11:19I suppose you're always in them?
11:21- Well not always no.
11:24I did go up to the National Gallery a couple of weeks back.
11:27I suddenly realized and I am ashamed to admit it
11:31that in all the years it's been housed there
11:32I've never actually seen the Da Vinci cartoon.
11:36- Well I'm not ashamed to admit it
11:38but I haven't seen it either.
11:40What did you think of it?
11:43- Well they were shut, but you know I'm going back.
11:46- Why don't we go together?
11:49- Oh yeah, cushty.
11:51- Cushty?
11:52- Yeah it means wonderful, terrific.
11:55- I see, how frightfully Albert Square.
12:01Shall we say tomorrow at noon?
12:03- Tomorrow?
12:06I might not be able to get time off work.
12:08- I thought you said you were a partner.
12:12- Yeah I am a partner yeah but, yeah alright then.
12:18I know, I'll give myself the day off.
12:21Right tomorrow at noon then.
12:22- Cushty.
12:26Do you like opera Rodney?
12:29Course you do, I can tell.
12:31- Yeah.
12:33- There's a gala performance of Carmen on
12:34at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane next week.
12:37I've tried everywhere to get tickets
12:40but it's absolutely impossible.
12:42- Impossible yeah I know I've tried.
12:47I hope you don't mind me saying this but
12:51I didn't really think that Peckham would be your scene.
12:54- Oh no, I absolutely adore this area.
12:58It's so rough and raw and vibrant.
13:02I saw a woman spit yesterday.
13:06You see I was brought up in this tiny community
13:10in the wilds of boring Berkshire.
13:13My world was one of nannies and live in tutors
13:17and gymkhanas and village fetes.
13:20The first time I left there was when I was 11
13:23and that was only to go to Rhodies.
13:25Then I went to a Finch finishing school.
13:28Mine was a very insular existence.
13:31I didn't even realize there was a real world
13:33until I decided to make art my life.
13:37I suppose that's why I like it round here.
13:39Must be the artist in me.
13:41My mother was a painter.
13:44She had some work exhibited at the Royal Academy.
13:46- No?
13:49Oh mega.
13:51The Royal Academy?
13:53Does she still paint?
13:55- No.
13:58- Have I said something wrong?
14:03- She died when I was 12.
14:07A skiing accident in Austria.
14:10- I'm really sorry Vicky.
14:12I know how much that must have hurt you.
14:14- I don't think so Rodney.
14:15- Oh yeah I do.
14:17Same thing happened to me when I was only five.
14:21- Poor Rodney, how absolutely awful for you.
14:26Where was your mother skiing?
14:30- No Mum weren't skiing.
14:32According to what the rest of the family tells me
14:34Mum didn't do a lot of skiing.
14:37She just had something wrong with her.
14:39- I see, sorry.
14:43Lord look at the time I must dash
14:45otherwise they start worrying.
14:46- Who do?
14:47- Special Branch.
14:51- Special Branch?
14:53- Yes, it's all incredibly tedious.
14:56They have to protect us.
14:57Well Daddy mainly.
14:59- What is he a supergrass?
15:01- No silly.
15:03- He's, well it's terribly boring.
15:07He's the Duke of Maylebury.
15:10- The Duke of Maylebury?
15:13- Yes I said it was terribly boring.
15:16Look I must dash, see you tomorrow at the National?
15:20- Yeah.
15:22- Cushty, ciao.
15:32- Maylebury, Maylebury.
15:47-[Albert] I don't know why you
15:48couldn't have left it 'til tomorrow.
15:49-[Del] Oh leave it out will you Albert?
15:51You've done more whining than a bleeding spin dryer.
15:55- Rodney's back Del Boy.
15:57Someone must have paid the ransom.
16:02- And where have you been?
16:04- I went down the library.
16:05- What for?
16:06- To see if my shoes was done.
16:08Why do you think I went down to the library for?
16:10I went to get a book didn't I?
16:13- Burke's?
16:14Teach yourself book is it?
16:16- It is a genealogical
16:17and heraldic history of British peers.
16:21- I don't believe it, I don't believe it.
16:23While I've been down at the market
16:24getting the tug from the local John Dommery,
16:26this dipstick's been sitting here
16:28reading a book about gittys.
16:30I tell you this much Rodney,
16:31you ain't gonna get no wages the end of the week.
16:33Now come on Del.
16:35That bird I was talking to in the market,
16:37I said I'd take her out and I'm potless ain't I?
16:40- Yeah well that's your problem isn't it?
16:42- Thanks a bunch.
16:43That's gonna be right embarrassing isn't it?
16:45Especially with her coming from a moneyed background.
16:48- Yeah I know it's a tough old world.
16:49What do you mean moneyed background?
16:51- Her old man's very wealthy.
16:54Is he, well what's his game?
16:55- I've got to tell someone Del.
16:57But you gotta promise me it'll go no further.
16:59- Yeah no no no no of course not, just between us two.
17:02- Have you heard of the Duke of Maylebury?
17:06- The Duke of?
17:08Leave it out you twonk.
17:10- It is God's honest truth Del.
17:12- No.
17:13- Del I cross my heart and hope
17:15to die in a cellar full of rats.
17:17- What you mean that little girl?
17:19Her daddy?
17:20- Honest, it's for real.
17:22- Bloody hell.
17:24- But it's got to be our little secret though.
17:25- Well yeah of course it is.
17:26Did you hear that Albert?
17:28You know that little sort that
17:29Rodney's been chatting up down at market?
17:31- What about her?
17:33- Her father only owns a pub.
17:35- You're pulling my leg.
17:37- No no it's straight up.
17:39It's The Duke of Maylebury's isn't it?
17:40It's over Nunhead way isn't it Rodney?
17:41- No no listen.
17:42He don't own the Duke of Maylebury.
17:45He is the Duke of Maylebury.
17:47He's nobility isn't he?
17:48You know he's a peer of the realm.
17:50- Oh leave it out Rodders.
17:52Look I've seen a picture of the real Duke of Maylebury
17:54in The Sporting Life, he owns that horse Handsome Samson,
17:57second favorite for the Derby next year.
18:00And that little girl, she done look nothing like him.
18:02She looks like the horse maybe not him.
18:05She's no more nobility than you are.
18:06- No?
18:07Have a look at that then.
18:09- What?
18:12I don't believe it.
18:13It's her, that's the girl from the market.
18:15-[Albert] Which one?
18:16- What do you mean which one?
18:17Her look, the one without the top hat on.
18:19She's standing their next to Princess Anne
18:21at a rodeo or something.
18:23- They're in here and all.
18:24Her father right is a sort of second cousin to the Queen.
18:29Vicky's in here and all.
18:30Here you are.
18:32Her proper title is Lady Victoria Marsham Hales.
18:36Only child of Sir Henry Marsham,
18:39KBE Mvo MC and Bar, fourteenth Duke of Maylebury.
18:46Family home Covington House, Upper Stansmere, Berkshire.
18:53- You ain't had a go at her have you?
18:56- No I ain't.
18:57- Well you keep your mucky mitts off her.
18:58Otherwise we'll have her mother round here
19:00throwing royal prerogatives all over the shop.
19:02Well I doubt it, her mum died in
19:03a skiing accident about nine years ago.
19:06- Then answer me this.
19:08If she's a titled lady what's she going out with him for?
19:12- He's giving me the right up Del.
19:13- It's alright, it's alright.
19:15No listen Albert, Rodney's got some very nice qualities.
19:18I mean she may have been smitten
19:20by his rakish charms or his boyish good looks.
19:24On the other hand she could be a posh tart
19:26fancying a bit of scrag, you never can tell.
19:33Wait a minute though, wait a minute.
19:36I've got it now good cake.
19:39I think I know what this is all about.
19:41Listen it's a well known fact you know
19:43that every three or four hundred years the old aristocracy
19:46they've got to bring in a bit of
19:47the old common stock to water the old blue blood down a bit.
19:51- What and they can't do better than that?
19:54Do me a favor.
19:55- I'm gonna crack him round the head in a minute.
19:57- No no no it's alright Rodney.
19:58No no listen, listen to me I don't care what you say.
20:00I bet you any money you like that her old man
20:01has told her to find herself a husband
20:03and Rodney's in the frame.
20:07Rodney ask her to marry you.
20:09- I don't want to get married.
20:13- Listen to me you dipstick.
20:16Just think about it for a minute will you?
20:19Think of all the advantages listen,
20:21that Vicky or whatever her name is,
20:23she's the sole heiress of the Maylebury fortunes.
20:25She's got no brothers or sisters
20:27and the old girl popped her clogs
20:28halfway down the giant slalom right?
20:30So when the old Duke says bonsoir to this mortal curl
20:35she'll become the Duchess and you know what that means.
20:39- What?
20:41- Albert come here.
20:44I want you to remember this moment.
20:46Because we could be looking at the future Duke of Maylebury.
20:51- He don't look like a peer of the realm.
20:53- No not at the moment he don't no.
20:55But stick a coronet on his head, bit of Ermin,
20:56get rid of them boots, he's a dead ringer.
20:58- I don't wanna be a Duke.
21:00- Listen to me, don't give me all that Tony Ben Cobbler.
21:03Think of all the advantages.
21:04You'll be sitting in the House of Lords.
21:07- We can watch you on the telly having a kip.
21:10- I don't believe it.
21:12Look me and Vicky, well we're more mates than anything else.
21:17We have one mutual interest, art.
21:19Other than that we're worlds apart.
21:21I mean she wants us to go out to places like the opera.
21:25- Why what's on?
21:27- An opera.
21:28- No I mean what opera.
21:29- Oh I don't know.
21:30It's Carmen or something the gala performance.
21:34- Why don't you take her then?
21:35- How do I do that?
21:37I don't know the first thing about operas.
21:38And besides it's impossible to get tickets isn't it?
21:42- If you want tickets you shall have tickets Cinders.
21:45- How?
21:46- How, from Limpy Lionel the ticket tout.
21:49He can tickets for anything.
21:51- Gonna cost Del.
21:52- What does money matter?
21:55What does money matter compared
21:57with little Rodney's happiness?
22:02-[Vicky] I still don't understand how you managed it.
22:04Even Daddy couldn't get tickets for tonight.
22:07And he tried everywhere.
22:08- Oh it was nothing really.
22:10I have let's just say contacts.
22:16- But they must have cost the Earth.
22:18- I didn't ask, I just told my man get them.
22:34- I hope they're not forgeries.
22:45- Good evening Lady Victoria.
22:46- Hello.
22:47- Thank you sir.
22:53Thank you sir, have a nice evening.
22:58I said have a nice evening sir.
23:01- Oh yeah, alright thank you, thank you very much.
23:05- Are you alright?
23:06- I'm fine.
23:09I'll get us a program shall I?
23:16Two programs please.
23:17- That's eight pounds sir.
23:19- No two programs.
23:21- Four pounds each sir.
23:25- Oh alright.
23:40- Rodney, I know you'll think I'm a frightful old bore.
23:44But you know you've invited me
23:45to a soccer match on Saturday?
23:48Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel.
23:51- Oh, oh worse, that's no problem Vicky.
23:55- I must go home you see.
23:56Daddy's invited a few friends down to
23:58the estate for the weekend, a shoot and then dinner.
24:01I simply have to be there.
24:03I am the lady of the house these days.
24:06Yeah it's alright, I understand.
24:10- Would you like to join us as my guest?
24:13- Oh.
24:17Well.
24:18- You could stay overnight and then on Sunday
24:20I'll take you for a wonderful lunch at our little local.
24:25- Yes.
24:27Thank you Vicky, I'd love to.
24:28- Well that's super.
24:38- Can I get you a drink?
24:39- A very dry white wine and soda please.
24:41- I won't be a minute then.
24:50- Could I have two very dry white wine and sodas please?
24:59(Del whistling)
25:01- Rodney, Rodders.
25:04Sorry pal, excuse me, excuse me.
25:07Alright, perhaps I was getting a bit worried.
25:09The old time was creeping on there.
25:10Alright darling?
25:12I reckon it's gonna be a good one tonight.
25:14John, when you've finished your break
25:16can we have some service up here?
25:18- Del he is already serving me.
25:20- Is he, oh right (speaking in foreign language) right.
25:26- Del what the bloody hell are you doing here?
25:28- Well that's charming that is isn't it, that's charming.
25:32After all I've done of you?
25:34Well there were four tickets up for grabs.
25:37And you know me, I love a bit of opera.
25:39- You, the only opera you've ever seen
25:41was Tommy and that was on video.
25:43You ain't never been to an opera in your life.
25:47- I've never milked a cow in me life
25:48but I still like a bit of cheese don't I?
25:54- Victoria this is my brother Derek.
25:57-[Vicky] Oh hello, how nice to meet you.
25:58- And you.
26:00And may I say Victoria how particularly
26:02lovely that you are looking tonight?
26:04- Thank you.
26:06I didn't realize you were going to be joining us.
26:09- Oh yes well there were four tickets available you see.
26:11- And I bought them all.
26:13- Oh yes Rodney bought them all.
26:14Well that's him you know he's generous to a fault.
26:18Well cheers.
26:25-[Rodney] I don't believe it.
26:26- What don't you believe?
26:28- Well this is the Theatre Royal Drury Lane
26:31and somebody has ordered a kissogram.
26:34- Never, where?
26:36- There.
26:41- You saucy git, that's my bird.
26:44- It ain't, Del it ain't?
26:46- It is, it's Juney, you know June.
26:47She lives over in Zimbabwe House.
26:50- I used to go out with her daughter.
26:53- Don't worry she won't say a word.
26:56(Del whistles)
26:57Juney?
26:58Here girl.
27:00- I weren't sure where you'd got to.
27:03Them khazis ain't half posh.
27:05Well you always go to the best places with me sweetheart.
27:09Allow me to introduce you.
27:12Lady Victoria I want you to meet June Snell.
27:17-[Vicky] Good evening June.
27:18- Hello, you alright?
27:22- Lady Victoria remember?
27:25- Oh yeah.
27:28It's a great pleasure to meet you ma'am.
27:37- Oh no no please, it really isn't necessary.
27:40- No no no please Victoria Juney likes to
27:43keep herself in perspective don't you girl?
27:45- Oh yeah, I think it's best.
27:48- Of course you know Rodney don't ya?
27:50-[June] Watcha?
27:51- Watcha?
27:52- He used to go out with my daughter Debby.
27:56She's living with a sickly geezer now.
27:59- Terrific.
28:02- So you're an opera buff as well are you June?
28:05- I saw one once on BBC2.
28:07Our telly had gone out the world,
28:09it was the only channel we could get.
28:11You came round that night Del, remember?
28:13Well just to visit the telly ain't you?
28:16- Yeah just needed a little bit of adjustment that was all.
28:20- It was that world famous foreign bloke singing wasn't it?
28:22- Oh yeah wonderful voice.
28:24- Oh yes very talented.
28:27Great big fat git weren't he?
28:29- Yeah couldn't half put a song across though couldn't he?
28:37Course this is my most favorite opera
28:40this one you know Carmen oh yeah Love it.
28:43♫ Figaro figaro figaro figaro
28:46It's wonderful.
28:47- That's from The Barber of Seville.
28:51It isn't from Carmen, it's from The Barber of Seville.
28:56- Yeah yeah that's right actually it is
28:58definitely The Barber of Seville that one there.
29:01- Oh of course it is, course it is.
29:04I don't know what's the matter with me.
29:05I always get those two mixed up
29:06The Barber of Seville and Carman.
29:08- Well Carmen's a hairdryer isn't it?
29:14- Yeah well of course it is.
29:17(bell ringing)
29:18Blimey he's rung that one early isn't he?
29:19Yeah it's early still, we've got time for another one.
29:20What's that, white wine and soda, Juney?
29:22- Oh benedictine and lemonade.
29:26- Excuse me, the bell is simply to tell the audience
29:29that the performance is about to begin.
29:35- Oh yeah, yeah yeah we knew that.
29:37- Oh yeah, knew that.
29:39We just thought there might be time for a quick one.
29:43- I don't think so.
29:44I really think we ought to be taking our seats.
29:48- Right well may I?
29:51- Thank you.
29:56- Alright come on.
29:59- Hey Del how come she's got a program and I ain't?
30:05- She can read.
30:06- Oh.
30:09(singing in foreign language)
30:42(June slurping)
30:55- It's a blinding opera isn't it?
30:57- It's alright I suppose.
31:00It don't get going does it?
31:03- It's not supposed to get going, it's culture.
31:07You don't come to an opera to enjoy it.
31:10You come 'cause it's there.
31:14- Oh, I didn't know that.
31:17- Oh yeah.
31:20- I like Vince Hill.
31:25- Well yeah I live Vince Hill, yeah yeah.
31:30He's almost culture, not quite but almost.
31:35(shushing)
31:38What's that about?
31:39- I don't know, maybe someone's talking somewhere.
31:43- Yeah maybe.
31:46Some people have got no protocol have they?
31:48- No.
31:53I got a few licorice allsorts.
31:56- Have you got one with hundreds and thousands on it?
31:58- Only one.
32:03- Let's have a look.
32:06(singing in foreign language)
32:14Rodney?
32:15- What?
32:18- Do you want a licorice allsort?
32:21- No.
32:24- Vicky?
32:26Vicky?
32:27(shushing)
32:30Is he having a pop at me or what?
32:31- No he ain't just be quiet.
32:34- Vicky?
32:35- Yeah?
32:36- Do you want a licorice allsort?
32:38- No thank you.
32:41- Here there's only a couple left
32:43we might as well finish them off.
32:45No not that one.
32:47(singing in foreign language)
32:58(paper rustling)
33:05Rodney?
33:06- What?
33:08-[Rodney] Want a crisp?
33:08- No.
33:11- Vicky?
33:12(shushing)
33:13Don't you shush me pal.
33:14- Del please.
33:15- Well.
33:18Vicky, Vicky?
33:19- Yes?
33:20- Fancy a crisp?
33:22- No thank you.
33:29(Del and June munching loudly)
33:41(singing in foreign language)
33:53- Rodney.
33:56- What?
33:57- Put your arm round her shoulder.
34:04Put you arm round her.
34:08- But Del this is not the Ardian.
34:10(shushing)
34:12Sorry.
34:13- Don't you sorry him.
34:14- You just keep on pal, see what you get.
34:16(singing in foreign language)
34:30You've ate all of them.
34:32- No I ain't, you had some.
34:36(wrapper rustling)
34:40(singing in foreign language)
34:45(wrapper rustling)
34:49- Where's Del?
34:51- He's gone out to the ice cream lady.
34:59(singing in foreign language)
35:09-[Del] Rodney?
35:11(shushing)
35:16Rodney?
35:21Rodders?
35:22- Please be quiet.
35:24- I can't find my place.
35:26Rodney?
35:27- We're over here Del.
35:30- Thank you.
35:32Excuse me, ta, thanks girl.
35:35Excuse me.
35:36Here was that your foot?
35:37-[Man] Yes.
35:38- Sorry, there we are.
35:43- For God's sake how long do we have to put up with this?
35:45- Well I didn't know there was a carton on the floor.
35:48What'd you put it on the floor for?
35:49- Well how was I to know you we're gonna tread on it?
35:52- Are you going to continue making this noise
35:53throughout the entire performance?
35:55- I don't know I might let you off the second half.
35:57- Del will you please just sit down.
36:00-[Woman] I'm trying to listen.
36:01- Well why don't you shut up then?
36:03-[Man] Will you please be quiet?
36:05- I'll come down there and smack you
36:06in the eye in a minute John.
36:08- Del.
36:10Del, just take it easy aye?
36:12- Yeah well they're giving me the right hump aren't they?
36:15(singing in foreign language)
36:25Rodney?
36:26- What?
36:28- Do you want an ice cream?
36:30- No.
36:33- I bought you one.
36:34- I don't want it.
36:38- Vicky?
36:39- Yes?
36:40- Do you want an ice cream?
36:42- No thank you I don't eat ice cream.
36:45- Well I bought it for you.
36:46- She don't eat ice cream.
36:47- I've never ever liked ice cream.
36:53- What am I supposed to do with these two?
36:55- Well you can stick them where the sun don't shine
36:57as far as I'm concerned as long as you shut up.
37:00- Well thank you brov, thank you very much.
37:05(singing in foreign language)
37:16I love this one.
37:17(Del whistling to music)
37:24- Del.
37:26- Rodney I'm whistling.
37:27(Del whistling to music)
37:48- I am sorry, I am so so sorry.
37:52- It wasn't your fault Rodney.
37:54I'm not blaming you and you shouldn't blame yourself.
37:57- I know but if, oh God.
38:07- Breath of fresh air Madam, feel as right as rain.
38:10- Thank you very much doctor.
38:18- Well the Phantom of the Opera strikes again aye?
38:20Still I don't suppose it's the first time
38:21someone's been sick in there aye Victoria?
38:24- I honestly don't know.
38:25I haven't read a full history of the building.
38:29- Well you fancy a bite to eat?
38:30- No.
38:32- I'm really not very hungry.
38:43- Is everything alright Miss Victoria?
38:45- Not really Eric but not to worry.
38:50- Rodney now you just behave yourself
38:51if you're seeing her back to her flat tonight.
38:54- And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
38:56- Listen to me Rodney.
38:57The last thing we need at this delicate stage of development
38:59is for you to go tubing her.
39:04Especially after we made such a good impression tonight.
39:07- A good impression?
39:09- Well we was alright up until Juney's psychedelic yodle.
39:13- Just get away from me Del will you?
39:14Just leave me alone.
39:22- Oh well come on Juney, let's get you back home.
39:27-[June] I'm sorry about tonight Del Boy.
39:29I don't know what come over me.
39:32-[Del] Nor did the woman in front of you.
39:34I mean you've only got yourself to blame Juney.
39:36After what you've been shoving down your gullet tonight.
39:44- Is this the shop you was on about?
39:45- Yep.
39:47- Del when you said let's get clothes for my weekend
39:50I thought you meant we'd pop down to Soul Bros
39:52in Balham for an airy shirt or something.
39:54I didn't realize I'd have to get
39:55dressed up like a free range wally.
39:58- Now listen to me Rodney.
39:59I'm not having you going down to Covington House
40:01decked out like a Bob Geldof lookalike.
40:05I mean have you had a look at yourself recently?
40:08I've seen wounds dressed better than you.
40:11I'm not having anyone look down on you.
40:13You're as good as them and I want the see that you are.
40:16- I appreciate that Del and thank you.
40:19But putting me into a pair of green wellies
40:20will not turn me into Archduke Ferdinand.
40:23I will be Rodney Trotter in a pair of green wellies.
40:26And that is another thing, don't do that.
40:28Another thing, they're having a shooting party ain't they?
40:31I disagree with blood sports.
40:33- Do me a favor.
40:35You'll never hit one of them grouse things, they're fast.
40:37- Tell them you've got a wart on your trigger finger.
40:40- He ain't gonna say nothing about warts Albert.
40:43The Duke would love that wouldn't he aye?
40:45His only child marrying someone covered in warts.
40:48Don't you say nothing about warts Rodney.
40:50- No, no no problem I assure you.
40:55I have to go Sir Alan, something's just come in.
40:59I mean up, goodbye.
41:02Good afternoon gentlemen.
41:04May I help you?
41:06- Well I hope so I wanna buy some gear.
41:08- I see and what is sir's pleasure?
41:15- Well birds and curry I suppose.
41:18Still I haven't come here to chit chat.
41:19I want you to tog him out for a country weekend right.
41:22That's the 'acking jackets, stout brogues, and all the X's.
41:25Now look, got a monkey there, that should cover it.
41:29- Yes, yes of course.
41:32If you'd like to come this way sir.
41:35- Right come on Rodney let's sort this out.
41:37Course he's got some very strange measurements you know.
41:40- Don't you worry Rodney.
41:41By the time he's finished with you,
41:43you'll look just like one of them.
41:45- That's what I'm frightened of.
41:48-[Henry] Pull.
41:50(gun fires)
41:51- Good shot your Grace.
41:53- I was rather pleased with that myself Patterson.
41:55- Pure luck Henry, pure luck.
41:57- Thank you Charles I thought you'd clear up the mystery.
42:00- Go on let's see you do better.
42:02- Now stand back old boy and watch a real master.
42:07Pull.
42:08(gun fires)
42:10- Good shot sir.
42:12(all clapping)
42:21- Are you hungry?
42:22- No no I'm fine thank you.
42:23- Well there's plenty to eat.
42:25- Well perhaps I'll have something to eat in a moment.
42:26Thank you.
42:28- What do you think of it so far?
42:31- Very interesting, I'm really enjoying myself thank you.
42:35- Rodney you keep on saying thank you.
42:39- Do I?
42:40- Yes, I just thought I'd mention it.
42:43I hope you don't mind?
42:44- No, thank you for, oh sorry.
42:47- Don't mention it.
42:48- Thank you.
42:49I said that one on purpose though.
42:51- I know you did.
42:53Have you ever used a double barrelled before?
42:56- Oh a, no no.
43:00I had an airgun when I was a kid.
43:02- Would you like to try?
43:04- No no I'll just watch.
43:07- Come on don't be such an old stick in the mud.
43:09Daddy do you have a gun there for Rodney?
43:13- Yes of course darling.
43:15Patterson let's have that Purdey there will you?
43:17- Yes your Grace.
43:19-[Henry] Have you done this sort of thing before Rodney?
43:21- No, I'll just watch if you like.
43:23- Oh nonsense nonsense, nothing to it.
43:25Now look this is what you do to load it.
43:27Close the gun right, there's the safety catch.
43:29You let that off, both triggers.
43:31And what you do is keep this close in
43:33because of the kick and get the two barrels.
43:34Both eyes open, cover it and then fire alright.
43:38- Alright yeah, thank you your Grace.
43:40- Oh Henry, Henry please.
43:41- Henry thank you.
43:42- Would you like these?
43:43- Yeah thank you.
44:03What do I say to him?
44:04(all shouting at once)
44:05What?
44:06(all shouting at once)
44:08- Shut up Victoria no up, up up.
44:09-[Vicky] Down, put it down.
44:10- Up up up, up, up!
44:16Look I'm sorry old boy but when you
44:18have a gun you never never point--
44:19- I just realized what I did I'm sorry.
44:22Sorry.
44:23- Yes well I'm terribly, probably my fault.
44:25I should have told you alright.
44:26Now look like that.
44:28Now when you're ready just say pull and then, yes alright?
44:33- Pull alright, thank you.
44:43Pull.
44:47(gun fires)
44:56- Is he of a nervous disposition?
44:58- Not as far as I know.
45:01- Would you like me to take that for you sir?
45:04- What?
45:06Oh.
45:10Thank you.
45:14- Well that was a jolly good try Rodney.
45:18- Thank you.
45:34- Are you alright?
45:36- Yes thank you.
45:37- You seem somewhat shocked.
45:39It wasn't the gun was it?
45:42- No no I'm fine.
45:44- I'll get you a drink.
45:47- Thank you.
46:06Come on where are ya?
46:10I know you're out there somewhere
46:11you three wheeled yellow bastard.
46:23I'm sure it was there.
46:27I saw it.
46:30(gun fires)
46:37- Tally ho there Rodders.
46:56Good morning, tally ho there.
47:00Couldn't have picked a better day for it could you?
47:02(gun fires)
47:05- Go away.
47:06- Hello again, I didn't expect to see you here.
47:09- Well I didn't expect to see me here.
47:12- And I didn't expect to see me here either.
47:15I was supposed to be down at the Legion
47:17playing in the crib championship.
47:18Instead of that he drags me all
47:20the way out to bloody Berkshire.
47:22- Cheers darling, thank you I needed that.
47:26It's lovely.
47:28Listen let me explain what happened right.
47:29Well I was tidying up the flat
47:33and guess what I found in one of the wardrobes.
47:35Only his evening suit.
47:38Well I thought to meself he's left it behind.
47:41He can't go to dinner dressed like that.
47:42So I had no option but to drive it down here.
47:45- I see.
47:46Well that was very nice of you.
47:49Wasn't it Rodney?
47:51- Yeah.
47:53-[Vicky] Daddy.
47:54- You bloody liar, I packed my evening suit.
47:57I packed it, I, I packed it myself personally.
48:01- Couldn't have done Rodney 'cause
48:01how did it get back in the wardrobe?
48:02- Because you took it out of my suitcase after I packed it.
48:05- Now why would I want to do a thing like that aye?
48:07- So as you could bloody well come down here.
48:09- Daddy this is Rodney's brother Derek Trotter.
48:14Derek I'd like you to meet my father--
48:15- No introductions necessary.
48:17I recognize your photograph from The Sporting Life.
48:19Tell me how's Handsome Samson?
48:22Has he got over that fat lot sprain yet?
48:23- Yes he's doing very nicely thank you.
48:26- Good and what about the Derby next year?
48:27Will he be trying?
48:28- Trying?
48:30Mr Trotter it's the Derby everyone will be trying.
48:33- Good, as long as I know where to put my money your Grace.
48:39- Victoria tells me you've driven all the way down
48:41from London with Rodney's dinner jacket.
48:44That's jolly decent of you, you must be exhausted.
48:46- Well I am cream crackered your Grace.
48:48Don't worry I'll just mooch around here
48:50until I get me strength up for the journey back.
48:52- Yes well do make yourself at home won't you?
48:54If you're around later I'm sure
48:55cook will provide you with something to eat.
48:57Oh stay for dinner?
48:58Oh well (speaking in foreign language)
49:01And as luck would have it as I was
49:02getting Rodney's evening suit out of
49:04the wardrobe mine came along with it.
49:06So I've got all my gear here.
49:10- Dinner.
49:13Patterson will you set another place
49:14for dinner tonight please?
49:15- For this gentleman?
49:17- Yes Patterson.
49:18Of course your Grace.
49:19- Well that's very civil of you.
49:20Thank you very much.
49:25- Would you mind if I had a pot shot?
49:29- Of course not.
49:30Patterson grab a gun for Mr. Trotter.
49:33- No need, no need sir.
49:34I have brought my own weapon.
49:37Albert would you mind?
49:44- Albert would you mind?
49:46Who'd care bloody less than I minded or not?
49:48Fight for your country, go down shark infested seas.
49:52What thanks do you get?
49:53I'll tell you, no thanks even from you own relatives.
49:57They turn you into a gun hauler.
50:02Here you are and don't ask for nothing else.
50:07- Thank you my good man, you may retire.
50:10- I thought I done that bloody ages ago.
50:14- He's been with us for years.
50:16He's a bit like the income tax.
50:25- Would you like these sir?
50:28- No I can't listen to music when I'm shooting.
50:33Quite ready when you are John.
50:35- Do you mean pull?
50:37- Oh sorry Paul, on your own time my sir.
50:42(gun fires)
50:52I'll be alright when I get me eye in.
50:57-[Rodney] Where did you get that gun from?
50:59- Iggy Iggins.
51:00- Iggy Iggins?
51:02Iggy Iggins robs banks.
51:04- I know but it's Saturday.
51:08Right any smoke salmon sandwiches there pal?
51:13(party music)
51:29Look at that Rodney.
51:32What a sight aye?
51:35Makes you proud to be British.
51:38They know the difference between cucumber sandwiches
51:40and egg on toast this lot don't they?
51:44Alright?
51:47Splendid.
51:50- Look Del don't, listen.
51:53I was nervous enough about this weekend
51:55and that was without you being here.
51:58But you arrived and your presence alarms me.
52:04What I'm trying to say is behave yourself please.
52:08- Alright, alright Rodney.
52:10Listen I want you to know something.
52:12No matter what happens tonight I'm doing it for you.
52:18- What do you mean, what's gonna happen?
52:20- No nothing nothing.
52:21- What are you gonna do for me?
52:22- I'm just gonna help you make a good impression that's all.
52:25- I do not want to make a bloody impression.
52:27- You will make an impression tonight.
52:28- You can cut that jabber to start.
52:33Look at that look, you've got the creme
52:35de menthe of British nobility down there.
52:38Look at that mate,
52:39there's no one down there lower than a Dowager.
52:42What do you want them to think?
52:43We're just the hoi polloi?
52:45No, we'll be on our bestest behavior tonight.
52:51- So we are agreed on that then?
52:52- Right.
52:58Oh look at the lumps on that.
53:08Right come on.
53:14Alright evening, evening, evening dear.
53:26Thank you John.
53:31Alright Henry?
53:34- Good evening Trotter.
53:38- Is that a Da Vinci?
53:41- No it's not a Da Vinci.
53:42- What a shame.
53:43He's my most favorite artist.
53:46Have you seen that cartoon of his?
53:49Laughed for days on that one.
53:53Course he did the old Mona Lisa and all you know.
53:55- Oh really?
53:56- Oh yeah she's the one with the,
53:58you know she's got the energetic smile.
54:01You can you can't tell whether she's just about
54:02to grin or she's sucking a sweet that one.
54:05- That is a Pissarro.
54:09- I don't know I've seen worse.
54:11- It is by Camille Pissarro, a 19th century impressionist.
54:16- Oh what like Mike Yarwood?
54:19- Yes just like Mike Yarwood.
54:21Oh and he did a bit of painting and all.
54:23- Yes.
54:24- Marvelous isn't aye?
54:26You learn something new every day don't you?
54:27- You do.
54:28- I tell-- - Good evening sir.
54:31(blender running)
54:34- Keep your eyes on those peas Shirley.
54:39There we are Albert.
54:42- Thank you victory much Mrs. Miles.
54:44I'll give you a word of warning.
54:46Don't give Mr Trotter any piggies.
54:48They'll go everywhere.
54:50- I'll tell Mr Patterson.
54:54Who are your people Albert?
54:56- They're not people, they're my nephews.
54:59- So they're not of noble birth then?
55:02- Noble, the nearest them two have got
55:04to nobility was their Great Uncle Jack.
55:06He was a tobacco baron.
55:08The noisy one is a fly pitcher,
55:10and the young one's his apprentice.
55:13- So that's what you lot do then?
55:15Sell things on street corners?
55:18- Not me madam, I was a career man.
55:21I was in the Navy for 30 years man and boy.
55:24I've been round the world more times than a satellite.
55:27I fought in the Battle of the Atlantic,
55:29Battle of the Pacific, Russian convoys.
55:32You name it I was there.
55:34- I bet you could tell a tale or two hey Albert.
55:37- I never talk about it.
55:40- I understand.
55:42Bet it brings back too many memories.
55:44Yeah you're right.
55:46I remember once we was in the South China Sea.
55:49We knew there were mines about you see and this--
55:52- That little fella out there
55:53is really knocking back the champers.
55:55He's had nearly three quarters
55:56of a bottle to himself already.
55:58He keeps talking about Leonardo da Vinci.
56:00It's like he knew him.
56:02- Tell Mr. Patterson.
56:04He might be able to discreetly suggest
56:07that the gentleman moderates his drinking.
56:12- Anyway as I was saying, I never talk about it.
56:16- Never talk about what?
56:18- About all my days in the Navy,
56:20fought all the battles and everything.
56:22But on this particular day in the South China Sea
56:25the old Captain came to us---
56:27- Are we nearly ready to serve Mrs. Miles?
56:29-[Miles] Ready when you are Mr. Patterson.
56:31- Good I want to get Leonardo da Vinici's best friend
56:33sat down before he falls down.
56:36He's some relation of yours isn't he?
56:38- Who, Leonardo da Vinici?
56:40- No no no, the gentleman outside who thinks
56:42the stuffed olives are pickled grapes.
56:44- Yeah, yeah sort of.
56:47- Is he an ex-Navy man as well Albert?
56:48- Him?
56:50You must be joking.
56:52He thinks a clipper is something you do your hair with.
56:55No I'm the only one in our family who ever went to sea.
56:59Or tell a lie.
57:01My grandmothers brother was Safety Officer on the Titanic.
57:08But I never talk about it.
57:23- Henry who's that young chap with Victoria?
57:28- Oh he's just a friend.
57:30She met in the street market.
57:31She's going through her working artist stage at the moment.
57:35Just like her mother bless her.
57:37It's just a phase you know, she's often bringing these
57:38colorful characters down for the weekend.
57:41Do you remember that chap who looked like a gypsy
57:43arrived with a bull terrier and a stolen Escort?
57:47- Oh yes, yes he beat up Patterson in the library.
57:51- Oh yes he did.
57:52Well anyway this chap Roland,
57:54no Rodney Rodney he's an artist too.
57:57- And the other fellow?
57:59His brother?
58:00(Del laughs loudly)
58:02- Yes well he's the biggest...
58:05He's the biggest artist of them all.
58:07-[Del] Henry is that a da Vinci?
58:11- No.
58:13-[Del] Nice though isn't it?
58:15- It's just a phase as I was saying.
58:23- Patterson give us a little top-a-rooney will you pal?
58:26Cheers, go my son.
58:29Thank you.
58:33- Del would you leave that wine alone?
58:36You ain't in the Star of Bengal now.
58:38- What's wrong with you?
58:39I'm just enjoying myself that's all.
58:40- I know but when you enjoy yourself nobody else does.
58:46- Trust me Rodney, trust me.
58:48We're reaching the point in the evening
58:51when I'm going to project you.
58:55- I do not want to be projected have you got that?
58:58I want to stay extremely unprojected.
59:04- Hold her hand.
59:07- What?
59:09- Hold her hand.
59:13- Shut up.
59:17- I think he's a little drunk.
59:22- He's always been a little drunk.
59:24- That was a blinding meal that your ladyship one aye?
59:27- Yes, excellent.
59:28- What did you have, the pheasant?
59:29- Yes, pheasant.
59:30- I had the quails with peas and gravy.
59:34- So you did.
59:35- Tell me, it's Trotter isn't it?
59:39- Yes that's right but my friends call me Del.
59:42- I see.
59:43Tell me Trotter how do you come to know Henry?
59:48- Who?
59:49Oh Henry, Henry oh yeah well.
59:51His daughter, the pretty one in the blue
59:53is getting engaged to my younger brother Rodney.
59:57That's the ugly one over there in the white.
59:58- Engaged?
59:59(shushing)
60:01- Keep it under your tiara.
60:02We don't want the media to hear about it.
60:04Remember what happened to Andrew and Fergie.
60:06They couldn't even fart without there being a newsflash.
60:10Couldn't they, aye?
60:12There he is.
60:14Good man.
60:16Oops, hello, you've drawn a blank there your ladyship.
60:19Nevermind I suspect your carafe will
60:21be coming along in a minute aye?
60:24You can have a slug of mine if
60:24you like while you're waiting.
60:26- I was in the life raft about 20 yards from him.
60:31The current was so strong I couldn't reach him.
60:34It was awful.
60:36That story will haunt me till the day I die.
60:39- I know the feeling.
60:42(glass ringing loudly)
60:57- That's how you can tell they're proper crystal.
60:59- Really?
61:00-[Del] Yeah.
61:01- Thank you.
61:02- Pleasure.
61:05- I don't want to worry you Henry old man.
61:07But he actually threw banana skin
61:10in your chandelier lighting gear.
61:13- Good grief.
61:15- These are nice Victoria.
61:17What are they Ravenhead I think?
61:19- No, it's Stowbridge Crystal.
61:21It's been in the family for generations.
61:25- Put it down.
61:31- Look at that that's nice there hey?
61:32Look at that, craftsmanship that.
61:33Henry this knife?
61:35- It is not a da Vinci.
61:37- Ah, solid silver though I'll wager.
61:40- Yes they were made by William Cordhill in 1648.
61:44- Cool, they've come up well though haven't they aye?
61:49(glass tinkling)
61:55Here that tone?
61:57Yeah it's great isn't it?
61:58Makes you proud to be British there.
61:59Course me and Rodney you know were involved in cutlery.
62:03Well it's canteens of cutlery par excellence.
62:07Actually I've got some in the van.
62:10I could pop out and get some for you if you like.
62:11- Del.
62:12Just leave it eh?
62:15- Alright alright.
62:18Don't worry girl we'll pop out later on won't we?
62:21- Which part of London are you from Rodney?
62:24- Peckham.
62:27Peckham.
62:29Peckham in London.
62:31- Really?
62:32Not too far from me.
62:34I have a flat in Chelsea.
62:36- Rodney's taking me to Stamford Bridge
62:37to see someone play soccer.
62:39- Oh you're one of the faithful.
62:41I'm a Blues fan myself.
62:42Have you taken a box?
62:46- He doesn't need a box does he?
62:47He's tall enough to see isn't he?
62:50- No I meant a private box in the new stand.
62:53- No I'm usually in the shed.
62:55- Yes I've often seen the chaps
62:56in the shed, looks great fun.
62:58I'm a great Dixon fan.
63:01- Which Dixon's that?
63:05- Dixon of Chelsea.
63:06- Him, I'd rather play Dixon of Dock Green.
63:10He can't dribble like Jimmy Grieves could.
63:13- Well maybe not but he's still a fine player.
63:16Yeah I mean he's good in the air.
63:18- So's Biggles.
63:21Rodney, Rodney had a great future you know as an athlete.
63:26- Well that's jolly interesting.
63:27Rodney which area of athletics?
63:35- Well it was a--
63:37- It was all sorts, all sorts ain't it Rodney aye?
63:39It was running an jumping over things.
63:41And chucking things about wasn't it, all sorts?
63:44In fact the headmaster of his university
63:46wanted him to go on to the Olympics.
63:51But he said no 'cause he wanted
63:52to concentrate on his business.
63:54'Cause that is where his true talent lies.
63:57I mean he's a future whiz kid.
63:59He's got two GCEs.
64:04This time next year he's gonna be a millionaire.
64:07- That's very nice to hear.
64:10Which university were you at?
64:15- It wasn't actually a university.
64:20- Rodney was at an art college Daddy in Basingstoke.
64:24- Basing?
64:26Oh yes I've heard very good things about it.
64:30- How long were you there old chap?
64:34- Three weeks.
64:36- Oh three weeks?
64:40- I left for personal reasons.
64:44-[Del] Weren't his fault.
64:45- Del.
64:47- No Rodney no it's alright.
64:48It's important that these good people know the whole truth.
64:52They weren't his drugs, what he was found in possession of.
64:58Alright no, no they weren't alright.
65:00They belonged to this Chinese tart.
65:02The story is see that he went down to her room
65:04right to borrow a box of chalks.
65:06And she said right you know come in Rodney
65:09and have a puff of this and before you know what happened
65:11the old SGB they burst in and he was caught
65:14bang to rights with a reefer you know.
65:17But I mean he was two or three miles away
65:20in a black moriah before he even said like you know man
65:23or anything like that were you?
65:26I just wanted you all to know you know about this
65:29drugs conviction just in case you know
65:31it was ever brought up by the gutter press.
65:34I just wanted you to know that he was
65:35done up like a kipper wasn't you aye?
65:38Right good boy.
65:40Hey listen let's liven the proceedings up a bit shall we?
65:44Little Richard did this station entitled
65:48Don't Worry Mother You're Son Will soon be Back.
65:51He's Sailing Round the World on a Grimsby Fishing Smack.
65:56Listen I'll tell you another, no I'll tell you one.
65:59You'll like this one listen, listen.
66:00Right then, the boy stood on the burning deck.
66:05The water shown like glass.
66:08A birdy then flew down his neck
66:10and burned him on the ankle.
66:11(Del laughing)
66:21(Albert sighs)
66:24You thought I was gonna say ass didn't you?
66:27Oh that's the joke you see, that's good.
66:30Listen I'll tell another one.
66:31Listen you'll like this one.
66:32Have you heard the one about
66:33the Irish bloke on the skiing holiday?
66:35There was this Irish bloke right and he won a holiday
66:39in a contest of some sort or another to go skiing right.
66:43You'll love this, this is a killer.
66:45- Trotter!
66:46I want a word with you outside now!
66:49- Yeah alright.
66:51Alright, right you are Henry.
66:52Well see you later.
66:59Now I'll clinch the deal.
67:05(door shuts)
67:13- Now listen to me Trotter.
67:15-[Vicky] Are you still staying overnight?
67:22Or not?
67:26- I'd better, best get off home now.
67:31- Fine.
67:33It was...
67:38Yes.
67:41- I want you and all your kith and kin
67:43out of my house and off my land now!
67:47- You don't want to talk about arrangements?
67:48- Arrangements, what arrangements?
67:51- For Victoria and Rodney's wedding.
67:53- Wedding?
67:54What do you mean wedding?
67:56- Hang on Henry.
67:58Don't tell me no one's told you.
68:01I hope I haven't spoiled a wonderful surprise.
68:04- A wonderful surprise for whom?
68:06- For youm.
68:08I thought we might make the announcements
68:10in the Times, in Country Life, and the Peckham Echo.
68:16What do you think?
68:19- I don't believe what I am hearing.
68:22My daughter is marrying no one.
68:24In two months time she is going to America.
68:26She is doing a years course at the New York School of Art.
68:30- They'll probably take need that in on their honeymoon.
68:34Two months?
68:35We'll have to book the old cathedral a bit late won't we?
68:38- The only thing you will be booking
68:40is a bed in intensive care.
68:42Your brother is not, I repeat not marrying my daughter!
68:50- Just a minute Henry.
68:52We're not just a couple of yippedy ois.
68:54We know how to conduct ourselves.
68:57In fact there is a rumor going around
68:58that we are related to the Surrey Trotters.
69:01- I don't care if you are related to
69:03the Surrey Trotters, or to the Berkshire Trotters,
69:06or to the Harlem bloody Globetrotters.
69:09I want that young man out of my daughter's life.
69:16- I don't know how you're gonna do that because
69:17that Victoria seems pretty stuck on him isn't she?
69:21- Well I will find some way of unsticking her.
69:23Have no fear of that.
69:25- Well it's not gonna be easy 'cause
69:26I know Rodney and I know him only too well.
69:29I can't think of anything that would make him leave her.
69:32Well when I say anything well there's one thing.
69:37- And what's that?
69:41- Why don't we go into your study
69:43and discuss it over a glass of brandy?
69:46- Alright come on, come on, come on, in here.
69:47Come on!
69:51-[Del] What is that one?
69:51-[Henry] That's a bloody da Vinci!
69:53(door slams)
70:21- Rodders.
70:26Rodney I was trying to make an impression.
70:30- Oh you made an impression Del.
70:34It was similar to the impression
70:36the Americans made at Nagasaki.
70:39- Listen Rod.
70:41Rodney, just a minute will ya?
70:46- Why don't you just stay out of my life?
70:49For as long as I can remember Del it's always been the same.
70:51It's just you sticking your oar in.
70:58What about that time I joined the Army Cadets?
71:02And then you discovered the boy I shared a tent with
71:04had a relative who was a big noise in show business
71:07and well that was the end of my military career wasn't it?
71:10I was gonna be a child star.
71:14So I was demoted straight into a tap dancing school
71:17before I could say who goes there?
71:19And that was just an embarrassment as well.
71:21Just like tonight.
71:23I was the only kid in that school
71:26who never had a proper set of tap dancing shoes.
71:32- Only 'cause your army boots made more noise.
71:35- They made more noise alright.
71:38I used to make Zip A Dee Doo Dah
71:39sound like the advance on Leningrad.
71:44You see you had to interfere.
71:49And now you've interfered between me and Vicky ain't you?
71:53You humiliated me.
71:54You destroyed me in front of all them people.
71:58And you ruined my opportunity of sharing a warm
72:01and friendly relationship with somebody I respected.
72:07And on top of all that Del, on top of all that
72:12I think I've broken my hand.
72:16- Let's have a look at it then.
72:17- Don't, get away from me.
72:19Leave me alone.
72:24You even went and told the joke about the Irish bloke
72:26on the skiing holiday didn't you?
72:33But do you know what the most painful
72:35incident of the entire evening was?
72:39His Grace called me into his study for a little chat.
72:46Said he wanted me to stop seeing Victoria.
72:50Said he wanted me out of her life now and for good.
72:54Do you know he even offered me money?
72:58- No?
73:00- Yeah, well you can imagine how I felt can't you?
73:03- Well yeah, horrible Rodney.
73:06You must have felt really horrible.
73:08Well I would have told him what he could do with his money.
73:10- I did so.
73:11- Good boy.
73:16What, you said nitto to a grand?
73:20- Yes I did.
73:23I still have some of my self esteem left in...
73:29How did you know he offered me a grand?
73:32- Aye?
73:34- How did you know he offered me a thousand pounds?
73:38- It's about the going rate to get
73:40a plonker out of your daughter's life.
73:43- You arranged it didn't ya?
73:45- No, no not actually arranged it.
73:50Look them sort of people, they're looked after
73:52by the Special Branch and MI6.
73:55Don't you think that when they ran your name
73:56through their computer and found out
73:58that you'd got a conviction, if you'd refused
74:00to get out of Vicky's life well
74:01they would have sent a hit team.
74:06You would have been brown bread brother.
74:09I thought to meself well a grand on the hip is worth more
74:12than a poison umbrella up your jacksie isn't it?
74:16But you turned it down you you dipstick?
74:19- Yes I did.
74:21Del I refuse to become a lot number in one of your auctions.
74:26But you can't understand that can you?
74:28You just can't understand.
74:33- Of course I can understand Rodney.
74:37Look I'm sorry I hurt you Rodney.
74:43Don't hate me please brother.
74:47- I don't hate you.
74:51I don't bloody like you.
74:55- Well that'll do me Rodney.
74:58Put it there.
75:05Now what are ya?
75:06What are ya aye, aye?
75:13♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
75:14♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
75:16♫ TV's deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
75:19♫ Ball games gold chains
75:20♫ What's their names and at a push
75:22♫ Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
75:23♫ From a mush in Shepherd's Bush
75:25♫ Bush Bush Bush Bush Bush Bush
75:28♫ No income tax no VAT
75:31♫ No money back no guarantee
75:34♫ Black or white rich or broke
75:37♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
75:42♫ God bless Hooky Street
75:45♫ Viva Hooky Street
75:48♫ Long live Hooky Street
75:51♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
75:54♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
75:59♫ Hooky Street
76:02♫ Hooky Street
76:05♫ Hooky Street
76:08♫ Hooky Street