Only Fools and Horses S00E08 — Dates

Every line from “Dates” (1713 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:02♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:11♫ But you don't ask questions
00:13♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:17♫ Where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:22♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la lala
00:34♫ La la la la la
00:36♫ La la lala
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:39(television playing quietly)
00:45- Have you got any idea how much money we made recently?
00:48- Loads of bunce, Rodders, loads of bunce!
00:51- We have made nearly 2,000 pounds in the last month.
00:57- Am I a genius or am I just a miracle worker?
00:59- We sold over 400 of those ladies' electric razors.
01:03- I told you they'd sell, didn't I?
01:05- You wouldn't think there was
01:06that much hair about, would ya?
01:07(audience laughs)
01:09- Here, you chuck all those bills and receipts down
01:11the chute, I don't want no evidence left around the flat.
01:15- What's that dirty-looking thing?
01:18- That is your uncle, Rodney!
01:19(audience laughs)
01:21Please show a bit more respect.
01:24Come on Uncle, get yourself a drink, we're celebrating.
01:27- That's alright, Del.
01:28This is from my old days, Rodney,
01:30all those years ago when I used to sail the seven seas.
01:34- What is it, treasure?
01:35(audience laughs)
01:37- Just a few old photos and letters
01:39from my days in the Navy.
01:41Nothing much, just me memories.
01:44- Don't worry, Rodney's chucking a whole load of gear
01:46down the chute in a minute, he'll get rid of it for you.
01:48- This is the history of me life!
01:50- That's why I thought you'd want to get rid of it.
01:53- Is that you?
01:56- Yeah.
01:58That's when I first joined the navy.
02:0117, I was.
02:02- Cor, you ain't changed, Unc!
02:04(audience laughs)
02:07- What do you mean, he had a big white beard then?
02:10- No, I mean he's wearing the same clothes.
02:13- What's the matter with you two daft sods?
02:16- We're celebrating, we've had a blindin' month!
02:20What is all this?
02:21What's this here lot?
02:23"1941. My birthday party on board HMS Peerless."
02:26They look a right bunch of toe-rags, Albert.
02:29- Yeah, that's me and some of my mates
02:30when we were serving out the South China Sea.
02:33Brave lads, Del.
02:35Look at 'em, like steely-eyed young lions.
02:39- You look like Clarence, the cross-eyed lion.
02:40(audience laughs)
02:42- I'd just been out to a nightclub
02:43to celebrate me birthday.
02:45- Who's this geezer in the G-string
02:47with the ruby through his belly button?
02:49(audience laughs)
02:50- That's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub,
02:53we sneaked her back to show her round HMS Peerless!
02:58- You dirty old goat!
03:00- The Captain used to call it "a submarine hunter",
03:05but she was nothing more than an old tug.
03:08- Yeah, she looks a rough and ready girl.
03:11- I'm talkin' about HMS Peerless!
03:12- Oh, sorry.
03:14- A few hours after that photo was taken,
03:16we was in action.
03:18- I'm surprised it took you that long.
03:22- A Japanese sub was spotted in the area.
03:25- Oh that's all you need, innit eh?
03:27- There was an American aircraft carrier lying off-shore.
03:31Uh, uh ...
03:32USS Pittsburgh!
03:34It was our job to protect her.
03:36Well, we hadn't been sailing for about an hour
03:38when we crashed right into her.
03:41Cor, didn't half make a noise.
03:43(audience laughs)
03:43- You went and whacked into the boat
03:45that you were going out to protect?
03:48- Yeah.
03:50It's a good job she was there, actually.
03:52She picked up most of the survivors.
03:54(audience laughs)
03:57- Was your ship badly damaged?
04:00- Couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk.
04:03'Course, they tried to put the blame on me.
04:06- Yeah, well, sounds fair.
04:09- Just 'cause I was on watch at the time.
04:12I had me excuses ready.
04:14- What, you were drunk?
04:16- The American vessel was at battle stations
04:18and was showing no lights.
04:20It weren't allowed, there was a war on.
04:22- Yeah, I know, course there was.
04:24- So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities,
04:27like uh, uh ...
04:28It was in broad daylight!
04:30(audience laughs)
04:38- You didn't see an aircraft carrier?
04:44Forty-two thousand tons of steel?
04:48In broad daylight?
04:50- I wasn't close enough.
04:52(audience laughs)
04:54- You must have been reasonably close, Unc, you hit it!
04:57- They'd have stood more chance
04:58with Ray Charles in the crow's-nest!
05:00(audience laughs)
05:01- I mean, I wasn't up on deck!
05:03I was in the radar room, watching the screen.
05:06I couldn't make head nor tail of it.
05:09It was all blibs and blobs.
05:12The Japanese sub had it away away a bit lively.
05:14- I suppose it didn't feel needed with you around.
05:16(audience laughs)
05:20Oi, did you get into trouble for it?
05:23- Court-martial.
05:24The papers were sent to Naval headquarters, Singapore.
05:27- You were court-martialled?
05:29- No, as luck would have it, before my trial the Japanese
05:33invaded and I never heard another word about it.
05:35(audience laughs)
05:37And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky!
05:40(Albert laughs)
05:51- That was a bit strong, wasn't it,
05:52trying to court-martial him?
05:53- Well he had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft carrier.
05:56- Yeah I know, but it was his birthday.
05:58(audience laughs)
05:59- Yeah, yeah, I forgot.
06:02But not for long though.
06:04This picture was taken in 1941 on his birthday, right?
06:07You seen the date?
06:12- That's in a couple of weeks' time, innit?
06:13- Yeah.
06:15You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to
06:17let us know so we'd arrange a birthday treat, do ya?
06:21- Wash your mouth out with soap and water, Rodney!
06:23(audience laughs)
06:25your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person!
06:29He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat.
06:30(audience laughs)
06:32Fly old git!
06:34So he wants a surprise for his birthday, does he?
06:37- Why, what you gonna do?
06:40- I dunno yet, but I'll think of something
06:42to pull him up a bit lively.
06:44- Oi, we could give him one of them electric razors.
06:47- Yeah!
06:51♫ Way out on the sea
06:56♫ Oh, carry my loved one
07:01♫ Safely to me
07:17- Why does he keep doing it?
07:19- God knows, I suppose at some time in his life,
07:21someone told him he could play the piano.
07:25- Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git
07:27who told him he could sing.
07:28(audience laughs)
07:30- He's a Trotter, what more can you say about the man?
07:34Couple of years ago, I went down the local library
07:36and read some ancient manuscripts
07:38written by the elders of Peckham.
07:41Did you know 500 years ago
07:43this was a green and peaceful area?
07:47The old Earl of Peckham had a castle
07:49where the Kwik-Fit exhaust center now stands.
07:51(audience laughs)
07:53Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance
07:54round the village maypole of an evening.
07:58And then, one fateful medieval day, the Trotter
08:01clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr.
08:06Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired maidens
08:08were up the spout, the old Earl had been sold
08:10some hooky armor and someone nicked the maypole!
08:12(audience laughs)
08:16A hundred years after that,
08:17the Black Death arrived in England.
08:20The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed.
08:24- Here, talk of changing luck.
08:26- Oh, my god!
08:28- Hi, Mike.
08:29All right, Boycie?
08:31- Well, I was!
08:33- There you go, Trig.
08:35There's a scotch, mate.
08:36- How do you know I wanted a scotch?
08:38- If I was dressed that, I'd want a scotch.
08:40(audience laughs)
08:44- Uh, is this something to do with a new religion?
08:47- I'm taking a lady out to lunch.
08:51-[Both] You sure?
08:53- Yeah, positive.
08:55I've booked us a table at that
08:56little Italian place opposite.
08:58I thought I'd better try and make an impression.
09:01- Well, you'll certainly do that and no worries, Trig.
09:04- Oh thanks, Boyce.
09:11- Morning, Michael!
09:11Same again for Boycie, a non-alcoholic lager top
09:15for Rodney, uh, a Malibu and cherryade for moi.
09:22Is it Comic Relief Day again?
09:24(audience laughs)
09:26- No no no, Del, it ain't Comic Relief Day.
09:30- I've got a date.
09:31- Oh, you wanna watch the stones.
09:32Del got one stuck caught in his stomach.
09:36- No Dave, I mean, I've got a lunch date with a lady.
09:41-[Both] You sure?
09:43- Yeah.
09:44I gotta meet her in a couple of minutes, so I
09:46just popped in for some Dutch courage.
09:48- Who is it, anyone we know?
09:50- No, no, you don't know her.
09:52Come to that, I don't know her either.
09:55- How do you mean, Trig?
09:57- These people arranged it for me.
10:01- "The Technomatch Friendship
10:02-[All] "and Matrimonial Agency."
10:06- You haven't joined one of them
10:07computer dating firms, have ya?
10:08- Yeah, they've just opened up a shop down the High Street
10:11so I thought I'd have 25 quids' worth, see what I do.
10:14- So what's this bird look like?
10:16- I dunno, they don't show you pictures of each other.
10:19- Oh, that's a bit risky, isn't it?
10:20- Well That's her problem.
10:22(audience laughs)
10:25- They fed all of my information into a computer
10:28and it came out with a woman who was compatible with me.
10:35That's what I like about this agency,
10:36you know where you stand with 'em.
10:38They insist on honesty.
10:39- So you told 'em you're a road sweeper?
10:42- No, I told them I was a bus inspector.
10:46- Why?
10:47- To add a bit of glamor!
10:49- Oh yeah, yeah, good idea.
10:51(audience laughs)
10:54- Right then, here goes.
10:58I'll see you later.
11:13- Well, rather him than me.
11:15He's walking straight into the unknown.
11:19- It's a bit like that television program, innit?
11:21- Yeah.
11:22- Yeah, Blind Date.
11:24- Oh, I thought you meant That's My Dog!
11:27(audience laughs)
11:30Marlene and Duke sit and watch that, you know.
11:32Soppy as sacks, the two of 'em.
11:35The dog gets more questions right than her.
11:37(audience laughs)
11:38- Michael, can I have a word about Albert?
11:42- Now, there's a coincidence Del.
11:43I wanted to have a little word with you about him as well.
11:46- He's not still singing in here of an evening, is he?
11:49- Oh no, no, no, no, he's doing matinees now, Del.
11:52My pie sales have fallen!
11:54- Alright, aright, I'll have a word with him.
11:57Listen, I want you to do me a favor,
11:58it's Albert's birthday in a couple weeks' time
12:00and I want to throw a party for him.
12:01- What, in here?
12:03- Yeah, yeah, just a few drinks,
12:04a bit of grub and what have you.
12:05- No, no.
12:06- I'll stick 150 across the counter.
12:09- Alright, Del,
12:10Listen, you can have the pub on one condition.
12:13He doesn't sing.
12:15- Fair enough, Mike.
12:16- He doesn't use no bad language in front of the ladies.
12:19- Righto, Mike.
12:20- And he doesn't dance.
12:22- Gotcha, Mike.
12:23- He tells no rude jokes.
12:25(audience laughs)
12:27- Goes without saying, Michael.
12:28- And he don't drink too much.
12:31- Perish the thought!
12:32- He just sits down quietly, soberly and enjoys himself.
12:39- He's gonna really look forward to this, Mike.
12:43Thanks so very much indeed.
12:45He makes up more rules than the Common Market, that bloke.
12:48He's ruining this pub, innit he?
12:50- I honestly wouldn't know, Del Boy.
12:52I'm very rarely in here these days,
12:54I spend most of my free time down at the lodge.
12:57- Of course, the lodge,
12:59What is it you've become, a buffalo?
13:04- I am not a buffalo!
13:06I am a packer mason.
13:08Secret handshakes, initiation ceremonies, the works.
13:12- What do you wanna join that bunch of dipsticks for?
13:15- It is a great honor to be chosen,
13:17it is not something you turn down lightly, Derek!
13:20Oh no, it's changed my life.
13:23I'm involved in a lot of charity work these days,
13:26helping the local needy and underprivileged.
13:29It's got its good side as well, of course.
13:32Us masons vow to help each other
13:34in business whenever humanly possible.
13:37- Sounds like a load of old snobs
13:38trying to clone another load of old snobs.
13:41- We're not snobs!
13:42Anyone can join, we come from all walks of life
13:45right across the social spectrum.
13:47We've got estate agents, a judge, a commissioner of police,
13:51the mayor, we've got all sorts!
13:53- Yeah, so has Bertie Bassett.
13:54(audience laughs)
13:58- That is not all walks of life, Boyce.
14:00- Oh alright, well, we got a ...
14:02We got a television director!
14:04- Oh yeah, what's he do?
14:06Film the secret handshake in case you wallies forget?
14:12I'll see ya in a minute, I'm gonna
14:13have a chat with Micky and Jevon.
14:14- Yeah alright, listen, I'm gonna pop down the betting shop,
14:15I'll pick you up later. - Yeah, alright.
14:18- What is the matter with that boy,
14:19he's all social conscience.
14:21- Well, he's one of life's carers, innit he?
14:26Reminds me a bit of my mum.
14:28- Yeah, standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers.
14:33(audience laughs)
14:49- I don't believe it, that's a woman!
15:12- Wotcher, Nerys.
15:14- Oh, you made me jump.
15:16- It's only me.
15:17Um, can I get you a drink?
15:20- No, I've got one.
15:21- Oh, um ...
15:26I was wondering, maybe you'd quite like
15:28to come out sometime during the week?
15:29- Where?
15:32- I dunno, anywhere.
15:34- Who with?
15:38- Well, me.
15:40- Alright, then.
15:42It'll have to be during the day,
15:43'cause I work in here most evenings.
15:45- I'll have to see if I can get a day off.
15:48- You said you ran the business.
15:50- Well, yeah, yeah, I do.
15:51I do run the business, but you know, I don't like
15:53leaving Del in charge 'cause he mucks me system up.
15:57Well, I'll phone you on it, then.
16:00- Yeah, alright, then.
16:03See you in the week.
16:04- Yeah.
16:08- Go on!
16:09- Alright!
16:11Rodney?
16:12- Eh?
16:13- How'd you get on with Nerys?
16:15- Okay.
16:17- Bet you didn't get a date with her.
16:18- Oh, save your money, Jevon my man.
16:21I'm taking her out next week!
16:23- How'd you manage that?
16:25I've been trying to date her for ages,
16:26and bear in mind who's talking here.
16:28I've had to employ a secretary to handle my dates.
16:32(audience laughs)
16:32- Rodney has got something you haven't got, Jevon.
16:35It is a thing called machismo!
16:38I've told you before, Nerys goes for macho men!
16:45I have known Rodney a lot longer than you,
16:48and he can be a right hard nut when he wants to be.
16:51- Well ...
16:52- Muscle and sweat, that is what Nerys goes for.
16:56- Yeah, but Rodney's no Master of the Universe is he?
16:59- but he has an aura of inner strength.
17:02- 'Cause I'm wiry, see.
17:05- Nerys likes guys who live their lives 100 miles an hour!
17:09And when she's hot, she is hot!
17:12The only guy that could put her out is Red Adair,
17:14and he's too expensive.
17:16- Yeah, well I think you should
17:17treat a chick with consideration, you know?
17:18- And that is why you'll never
17:19get a date with Nerys, Jevon.
17:21She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers.
17:26If my main man here plays his cards right,
17:29See you, big guy!
17:32- Hey!
17:33- Take care, yeah!
17:34- Yeah!
17:44- What's happening?
17:45- Rodney Trotter's just got himself a date.
17:47And we've convinced him she likes really tough macho men.
17:50- Who's the bird then?
17:51- Nerys.
17:53- What, Nervous Nerys?!
17:56-[Both] Yes!
17:58(audience laughs)
18:10- So, can you tell me what kind
18:11of person are you looking for?
18:17- Well, bird.
18:19- Yes, but are there any particular requirements?
18:22- Yeah, a local bird, I don't
18:23want to do too much of that driving lark.
18:25- So, uh, you're not looking for a special type of person?
18:28- Well, she's gotta be a bit of a sort!
18:32- A bit of a sort?
18:34- Yeah, you know, everything in the right place.
18:38And she must be a bit refined.
18:40- Must she?
18:41- Oh yeah, I don't want you lumbering me with some
18:42old bow-wow who don't know the difference
18:44between Liebfraumilch and a can of Tizer!
18:48- Quite.
18:50- 'Cause I'm a bit of a culture vulture myself, you know.
18:52- Ah, a man of the arts.
18:54- Yeah, you can't whack it.
18:56And you can tell the lucky lady
18:58she is guaranteed a steak meal.
19:01- A steak meal?
19:04- Guaranteed!
19:06Do you wanna put that on your floppy disc or what?
19:08(audience laughs)
19:10- Yes, uh, I'll make a note.
19:13A steak meal.
19:17Now, please don't feel pressurized by this next question.
19:21We're not trying to force you into any decision
19:23or commitment, the question is
19:24simply asked to protect our clients.
19:27- Yes, go on, Fire away, I got nothing to hide.
19:28- What exactly do you seek from this proposed introduction?
19:31Is it simply friendship?
19:33(audience laughs)
19:36- Yeah yeah, friendship, that'll do for a start.
19:39- No no no, what I'm getting at is, do you see this
19:41leading to a more permanent relationship or even marriage?
19:44- Slow down, slow down, John.
19:47You haven't even sorted me one out yet!
19:49No, no, no, just say friendship.
19:51That'll do for a start.
19:52- Fine, then.
19:54Well, let's see what surprises
19:55the computer has in store for you.
19:57I'll just feed your information into our main computer.
20:03Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit.
20:05Obviously a refined lady, she's on
20:07the board of governors of an arts fund committee.
20:1138 years old.
20:12- Knocking on a bit, ain't she?
20:15- Yes, she's widowed.
20:17And her late husband was a stockbroker.
20:22No, I don't think you're right for each other.
20:25- No no no, just a minute, don't jump the gun.
20:28I'll give it a bash if she will.
20:29- No, she's a rather sensitive person.
20:31- Well that's right up my street, innit?
20:33- Yes, but she specified a non-smoker.
20:37(audience laughs)
20:40- Well, you win some, you lose some, don'tcha?
20:43- Now, this looks more promising!
20:44Young lady, 30 years old, something of a career woman.
20:48- Yeah, go on.
20:49- She's an actress.
20:51- Yeah, is she famous?
20:54- I wouldn't have thought so, would you?
20:56- No, no, I suppose not.
20:59- It might be a nice introduction,
21:01seeing as you share a common interest.
21:03- What's that?
21:05- The arts?
21:06Oh, yes, yes!
21:08Right, yeah, perfect!
21:10Well then, um, where do we meet and how
21:12do we recognize each other, that's always
21:14assuming the young lady fancies it.
21:16What'd you say her name again was?
21:18Uh, Miss Turner, Raquel Turner.
21:22- Raquel.
21:24Raquel!
21:27Do you know that Raquel is my most favorite name?
21:29- How fortunate.
21:32In the present social climate,
21:33we recommend that first meeting during the day,
21:35a lunch appointment or something like that.
21:37After that, it's entirely up to the two clients.
21:40A good meeting place is under the
21:41main clock at Waterloo Station.
21:43It's rather traditional and its way, quite romantic.
21:46It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson.
21:50(audience laughs)
21:51We suggest that the gentleman carries
21:52a bunch of flowers as a point of recognition,
21:54and as a gift for the lady.
21:56- Oh, right.
21:58Did they hit it off?
22:00- Who?
22:02- Well, this Trevor and Celia sorts.
22:05- Yes, yes.
22:07- Ah, cushty.
22:07Right, you get on the blower and give Raquel
22:10the old S.P, and tell her to keep on her toes
22:13'cause the last girl I met at Waterloo
22:14Station got mugged on the escalator!
22:16(audience laughs)
22:19- Yes, I'll, uh, I'll tell her.
22:22When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet,
22:25we do emphasize the importance of complete honesty.
22:29There is very little future in fabrication or deceit.
22:31- No no no, I agree!
22:32We gotta be right up front with each other!
22:35- Good.
22:36Now I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you
22:37for the 25 pound membership fee.
22:39- Right.
22:41- I'm sorry, I've forgotten, is there
22:42an E on the end of your name?
22:44- No no, no E.
22:45It's Duval, Derek Duval.
22:47(audience laughs)
22:50(television plays quietly)
23:15- You going out?
23:16(audience laughs)
23:20- No, I'm gonna bleed the brakes on the van.
23:24'Course I'm going out!
23:26- What is it, a special occasion?
23:28- Could be, Uncle, could be.
23:30You never can tell.
23:33- I thought it might be one of
23:33your mates' birthday or something.
23:37- No no, nothing like that, I'm
23:38taking a young lady out to lunch.
23:40- When I was a lad, I had some smashing birthday parties.
23:44When you get to my age, nobody bothers.
23:46- I know, it's a bark, innit eh?
23:50- Yeah.
23:51So who's the bird?
23:52- It's not a bird, it's an actress.
23:55- Yeah? - Yeah.
23:57- Who?
23:58- Raquel Turner.
23:59- Name don't ring a bell.
24:01What's she been in?
24:03- Oh, loads of things.
24:04I can't remember 'em off the top of me head.
24:06- What's she look like?
24:08- Uh, well, she's a ...
24:10It's rather difficult to describe her.
24:12- Is she tall, short, dark, fair, fat or thin?
24:17- She's an actress, she keeps changing her appearance!
24:19(audience laughs)
24:21- How you gonna recognize her, then?
24:23- I'll recognize her!
24:24Just don't keep going on about it, will ya?
24:27- You got anything for the launderette,
24:29go and get it now.
24:30- It's not your washing day today, is it?
24:32- No, but Rodney's going out as well.
24:33I don't wanna sit in this flat on me own.
24:36- Alright.
24:41(clears throat)
24:44Hello, Miss Turner.
24:45May I say ...
24:51How do you do, Ms. Turner?
24:54May I say how very pleased I am to meet you?
24:58I've admired your work for many years.
25:02May I call you Raquel?
25:05Raquel is one of my most favorite names.
25:08Yeah!
25:11My old joie-de-vivre will knock her bandy!
25:14Now then, a quick livener I think, and then off we go.
25:22(audience laughs)
25:43(clears throat)
25:48- You're still here, then?
25:50- Just about, just about.
25:53I thought you'd got a date with that Nerys bird.
25:55- I have.
25:57- Well, you'd better hurry up and get changed
25:58or you'll be late.
26:01- I am changed!
26:03- You're going out like that?
26:05- What's wrong with me?
26:06- You look like an hooligan!
26:09- It is the fashion.
26:11Ain't you read about it, it's called the James Dean look.
26:15- Yeah, but when they said the James Dean look,
26:17they meant before the crash!
26:18(audience laughs)
26:22I can't see you getting very far
26:23with that Nerys bird dressed like that.
26:25- Oi, you just keep it out, right?
26:27Let me live my own life.
26:28- Alright, alright!
26:30Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble.
26:32(audience laughs)
26:35- I thought you were going out.
26:37- I am going out!
26:39- Well hurry up and change and I'll take
26:40those clothes down the launderette for ya.
26:43- I am wearing these clothes!
26:46- Yeah?
26:47Where you taking her then, scrumping?
26:51Del Boy's going out to lunch with a world-famous actress.
26:54- Yeah?
26:55You got my socks and pants in there?
26:57- Yeah, I've got 'em, boy.
26:58See ya later.
27:02- So who is it then, Meryl Streep?
27:05- No!
27:06Raquel Turner.
27:09Are you kidding me?
27:11- No, straight up.
27:13- The Raquel Turner?
27:20- Well, yeah.
27:21Have you heard of her?
27:22- No.
27:23(audience laughs)
27:31has she been in anything?
27:32- Yes, loads of things, but nothing
27:33that you would have seen her in, Rodney.
27:35- And what's that supposed to mean?
27:37- She has not been on Top of the Pops or repeats of Batman!
27:44- Where you taking her, then?
27:45- I am meeting her at Waterloo Station
27:49and I have booked a table for lunch
27:53at the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane!
27:56- You taking the van?
27:59..No, I am not taking the van!
28:03- Where would you meet an actress?
28:06- A friend of mine in showbiz introduced us.
28:09- Now, wait a minute.
28:10The other day Albert took a call for you
28:12that was from some ...
28:13Agency.
28:14- Oh yeah, was it?
28:17- Is your mate an agent?
28:19- Yeah, oh yeah, that's right.
28:20Yes, he's a showbusiness agent, that's it.
28:22- Bloody hell, Del, you wait 'til I tell the others!
28:25Oi, any chance of an autograph?
28:26- Yeah, no problem.
28:28I'll get you hers as well.
28:29(audience laughs)
28:31- Um ...
28:33Del, you don't think you might be
28:34being a little bit, well, ostentatious?
28:39- Well, maybe, but I can afford it.
28:42- Yeah, but I mean, the Hilton an' all that.
28:46You don't think you're being
28:47a teensy-weensy bit over the top, do ya?
28:50I mean, she's an actress innit she?
28:51She's bound to be cool and laid-back.
28:55- Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy.
28:58I do know that a woman like Raquel
29:01appreciates the subtle approach.
29:03I have played the game before.
29:06I do know what I am doing, hmm?
29:10- Yeah, of course you do.
29:12Well, best of luck, eh?
29:14- Cheers, bruv!
29:22Open the door for us, Rodney, will you?
29:26What's this?
29:27(audience laughs)
29:38(train announcements on PA system)
29:57(horn beeps)
30:07- Hi.
30:10- Is this a three-wheeled van?
30:12- It was the last time I counted.
30:14- I've never been in a three-wheeled van before.
30:16- Well then, you have never lived, Nerys.
30:19- It's a bit, um, what's the word?
30:23Smelly!
30:25- That is the odor of honest toil and sweat, Nerys!
30:28So, where do you fancy going?
30:30- I don't mind.
30:31- You just name your destination.
30:33- I don't care.
30:35- What, so there's nowhere special?
30:36- No, anywhere.
30:39- Should we take in a movie?
30:42- I don't fancy the pictures.
30:43- What abour a drink?
30:45- Nah, pubs around here are horrible.
30:48- Do you fancy an hamburger?
30:49- I've just had me dinner!
30:51- Well, where do you wanna go then?
30:53- I don't mind, anywhere!
30:56- That's cool, Nerys, we'll just cruise.
30:58- What, in a three-wheeled van?
31:01- Yes!
31:03This will be an experience you will never forget, Nerys.
31:08Oh, shit!
31:11- You didn't wind your window down!
31:13- I know I didn't!
31:14Get out before it catches fire.
31:16(audience laughs)
31:39- Hello.
31:43- Hello, luv.
31:45- You're not Raquel, are you?!
31:47- I can be anyone you want me to be, darlin'!
31:50- What I mean is you're not an actress, are you?
31:52- Well I've played a few demanding roles in my time.
31:57There's a very nice little hotel round the corner.
31:59Why don't we go and discuss it there?
32:02- No, sorry, it's alright.
32:03There's been a mistake.
32:04My fault entirely, sorry.
32:06- Oh.
32:08You're one of those who just likes to talk, aren't ya?
32:13- No no, there's been a mistake, a genuine mistake.
32:16I'm waiting for someone and I thought that you ...
32:20I'm beginning to lose my rag with you, sweetheart.
32:23I'm gonna count to ten and then I'm
32:25gonna shove these flowers right up your--
32:28(train horn blares)
32:31- You realize that will be extra?
32:33- Gordon Bennett!
32:36- Oh, hell, the filth!
32:39See ya, darlin'.
32:51- Come on, Jed!
32:54- What's that?
32:56(audience laughs)
33:04- Swivel on that!
33:09- Weren't you frightened?
33:10- What, of them punks?
33:11Huh, no way!
33:16(announcements on PA system)
33:32- Hello.
33:37- He nearly nicked one of your mates just now,
33:39so I'd have it away if I were you.
33:42- Is it Derek?
33:45- Raquel?
33:46- Yes, hi! - Oh!
33:48Hello, hello, sorry about that, eh?
33:51- No, I should apologize for being so late!
33:53You know what these trains are like.
33:55- Yeah.
33:56- Have you been waiting long?
33:58- Since about ten o'clock this morning.
34:01- No, no, it's a joke, just a joke!
34:05Oh, sorry, these are for you!
34:09(audience laughs)
34:09- Are they?
34:11Oh, you shouldn't have gone to all this expense!
34:14- Mais oui, mais oui.
34:18Well, um, I've booked a table at my
34:20most favorite restaurant if that is alright with you.
34:23- Oh yeah, sounds lovely!
34:24- Right.
34:26Well, your carriage awaits.
34:29- Thank you.
34:36- This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?
34:39- Do you reckon?
34:41- That's my favorite film!
34:44- Oh, yeah!
34:45Oh yeah, and it's mine.
34:47Yeah, mine.
34:48- Really?
34:48- Yeah.
34:50My favorite bit is when the big spaceship comes down
34:53and all the little Martians come out.
34:57- That's Close Encounters.
35:00- Yeah, I love it!
35:08- I always thought you were such a quiet person.
35:10- They're the ones you gotta watch, Nerys.
35:12- But just now you were so, well, tough.
35:18- I get by.
35:20I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened.
35:23Those punks back there, they're used to people
35:25running scared from 'em.
35:27They don't scare me!
35:29This is my jungle, and I'm at the top of the tree!
35:40Oh, my ...
35:42- What's wrong, Rodney?
35:43- Nothing.
35:49- Why are we going so fast?
35:50- I love speed.
35:52- You said we were gonna cruise.
35:54- Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly!
35:56(audience laughs)
36:07- And that's from moi.
36:13Sorry about that, I had to get a message to a friend.
36:16- That's okay.
36:23- Well, go on, get stuck in.
36:25Don't wait for me.
36:39- Mmm, this is wonderful!
36:41- Well, you can't go wrong here.
36:46I hope you don't mind me saying so, Raquel,
36:47but I'm a bit surprised to find someone like you,
36:51you know, attractive and talented,
36:52at a computer dating agency.
36:55- I might say the same about you.
36:57A successful person, managing director
36:59of his own import/export business.
37:02Why did you want to go?
37:04- Dunno, really.
37:07- I suppose I was grabbing at straws, really.
37:10I've been married before and that was a disaster.
37:13And I've had, you know, relationships with men
37:15which have always ended unhappily.
37:18Maybe it's been the same for you?
37:19- No, blokes don't do a lot for me.
37:23- You know what I mean.
37:25I found I used to take my relationships seriously,
37:28used to plan, stupid things like that.
37:31But they were just playing a game.
37:33Anyway, when I saw the agency advertisement
37:35I thought, why not?
37:38At least I knew I'd be meeting
37:38someone who wanted me to be there.
37:41Was it the same for you?
37:42- Oh exactly, yeah.
37:44- I just thought, you know, that you'd
37:45be meeting lots of people on the
37:47film sets and that sorta thing.
37:50- Look, I've got to be honest with you.
37:54The agency asked me what I did for a living
37:55so I said I was an actress.
37:57Well, I suppose that's what I am.
37:59I'm a member of the union, at least.
38:02I had one line in a Doctor Who about ten years ago.
38:04(audience laughs)
38:06I was a lizard person.
38:09I've done fringe theater, that sort of thing,
38:11but I never got the chance to make it.
38:15I gave it all up for nine years while I was married.
38:17My husband was one of those old-fashioned types,
38:19thought there should only be one breadwinner.
38:21- Yeah, my dad was like that.
38:23He used to get up at six every morning
38:25to make sure my Mum got to work.
38:28No, straight up.
38:30- Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career,
38:34for what it was, but I can't see me ever doing anything.
38:37- Au contraire, Raquel, au contraire.
38:40This time next year you'll be a star!
38:42- Oh, come on.
38:43- No. She Who Dares Wins, that is my motto.
38:47No matter what's happening in our lives,
38:48I always said to my kid brother.
38:49I said, "Rodney, this time next year we'll be millionaires!"
38:53- And look at you now!
38:55- Yeah, look at me now.
38:58The secret is, if you want something bad enough
39:00you'll get it, as long as you don't stop believing.
39:05- This is nice.
39:06There's a lovely feeling of ...
39:09I don't know, honesty.
39:12- Yeah, well ...
39:14It's what it's all about, innit?
39:17- Mr Duval?
39:18- Yes.
39:19- I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir.
39:19There's an important call from your New York office.
39:22- Thank you very much, Charles.
39:24Sorry about this.
39:25- Please, it's no problem.
39:31- Charles, would you tell them I'm busy?
39:33- Of course, sir.
39:34- Please don't do this for me.
39:35- No no, I'm enjoying the company.
39:37I'm not gonna have it spoiled
39:38by some soppy problem in New York.
39:42These Yanks are gonna have to learn
39:43to make decisions for themselves.
39:47To success!
39:59- Wotcher, Dave!
40:03(puffing)
40:06- Thank you, John.
40:09- When the agency phoned and mentioned
40:11you, I was really excited.
40:13They said you were a man of the arts.
40:14It's not that often you meet someone
40:15who's interested in the theater.
40:17- Oh yeah, I love it.
40:19- Going into a theater is so exhilarating,
40:21just the feel of the place!
40:24- Gets me going and all.
40:26You can't whack a good play, can ya?
40:27- Did you see the RSC's production
40:29of Moliere's Le Misanthrope?
40:33- No, I was out.
40:35- Oh, out of the country?
40:37- Oh yeah, I was away on business.
40:40- You missed something wonderful!
40:43- I know, I was gutted.
40:47That the sort of play you like, is it?
40:50- I like anything to do with entertainment.
40:52When I was a kid, my mum sent me to tap-dancing lessons.
40:56I loved it!
40:58When I was about 17, another girl and me
41:00formed a pop duo, Double Cream
41:02we called ourselves.
41:04We were rotten!
41:05(laughs)
41:06That's what I mean, I like anything,
41:07pop music to heavy drama.
41:10I dunno about you, but I just love the works of Shaw.
41:12- Oh, yeah!
41:13♫ Like a puppet on a string
41:17- You're just putting me on!
41:20- No, I really do like it!
41:24Oh, thank you, Charles.
41:43- Thank you.
41:44I've really enjoyed this afternoon.
41:46- Oh, so have I.
41:49Um, do you fancy going out Saturday night?
41:52- Saturday?
41:53No, I can't make Saturday.
41:55- That's alright, just thought I'd ask.
41:57- No, let me explain.
41:58I'm always busy on Friday and
42:00Saturday nights, at drama class.
42:03- Oh, drama class!
42:05- I teach.
42:06- Oh, right.
42:08What about, um, on Monday night?
42:11- I'd love to.
42:12- Great!
42:16Where shall I meet you?
42:17- Why don't you come round the flat?
42:19- Yeah, okay.
42:21And you don't have to worry about letting me into the flat,
42:22I'm not a pervo or anything like that.
42:24- I figured that one out.
42:30I feel terrible I've kept you
42:31away from your business.
42:32- Nah, that's alright.
42:34My brother handles things when I'm not there.
42:55(screaming)
43:07- Well, get his number!
43:10I don't believe it, they only gave me this yesterday!
43:13Get it?
43:14- No, he was going too fast, but there can't be too many
43:16yellow, three-wheeled vans around here.
43:19- That's right, I'll get him.
43:21You see if I don't!
43:22(honking and jeering)
43:28You, I ...
43:32Don't ever do that again!
43:40(gasping)
43:52- What's wrong, Nerys?
43:57Nerys?
44:05- Do you want another brandy?
44:05- No no, I'm fine, thanks.
44:09- Please, sit down.
44:10- Right.
44:11Here, listen, you didn't have to go
44:12and cook a meal and what have you,
44:14I said I was gonna take you out for dinner.
44:16- And I said it's my way of
44:17saying thank you for the other lunchtime.
44:19- Well, it was really lovely, you know, thank you.
44:25- Will your car be alright out there?
44:27We get a lot of vandalism round here.
44:29- Yeah, that's why I didn't bring the car.
44:31You leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to!
44:33(audience laughs)
44:34- Oh, good.
44:41- These flowers lasted well, didn't they?
44:44- I'm not throwing them away.
44:45They're my memories of a lovely day.
44:57Do you want a coffee?
44:58- Yes, please.
44:59- Oh!
45:04- Raquel ...
45:06- Hmm?
45:09- I like you.
45:13- I like you.
45:15- Good.
45:16Um ...
45:17- Look at the state of this wall!
45:19- Yeah, it's horrible, innit?
45:22Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
45:26- Oh, Del.
45:28Wait a while, eh?
45:31See how we feel in ...
45:33- Eh?
45:34No, no, no, not that!
45:34Cor blimey, no!
45:36No, just that I had this idea that might
45:38help you and I wanted to talk to you about it.
45:42You see, I've got a friend who's a mason.
45:47- Oh, I don't need a mason, a plasterer can do that.
45:49(audience laughs)
45:50- No, no, no, no, I don't mean a stonemason,
45:53I mean a masonic mason!
45:54You know ...
45:56Come in here and let me talk to you about it.
46:04Sit down there, sit down.
46:06Now, you're a talented actress, right?
46:10- Says who?
46:11- Says me, I can tell these things!
46:13But life has never given you a decent break.
46:15It doesn't matter how clever you are,
46:17you can never prove yourself until someone
46:19gives you that break, right?
46:21- Yeah.
46:22- Right, well, my friend's fellow mason
46:27is a television director, right?
46:30So if I become a mason, I can get him to give you
46:34that break, you know, put you in a show.
46:37- But why would he do that?
46:38He doesn't even know me.
46:39- No no, he doesn't have to.
46:40Masons, they have to do favors for each other.
46:43So he couldn't refuse to help me.
46:45- But what favor would you do him?
46:48- Well I dunno, I'd drop him a monkey or something.
46:50But don't worry, it'd be as sweet as a nut.
46:53- You'd actually join the masons just to help me?
46:56- Oh, yeah.
46:58- Oh ...
47:02- Well, I mean, it's no sweat, is it?
47:04It's only the masons, it's not like the moonies or nothing.
47:06(audience laughs)
47:08They chuck a good dinner and dance an' all, you know.
47:11- But I'd be cheating, wouldn't I?
47:13- No, of course you wouldn't be cheating,
47:15I'd do all that for ya.
47:17- I mean I'd be using inside influence
47:19to further my career.
47:20- It's the name of the game, innit it, it's who you know.
47:23I mean you can't hang about for another
47:25three years waiting to be discovered.
47:27You've gotta get in now before
47:28you're past your sell-by date.
47:30- Thanks!
47:31- No no no, you know what I mean.
47:34I mean, this is your first opportunity.
47:37It could be your last.
47:39You gotta get in now while the going's good.
47:41She Who Dares, Wins.
47:45- Well, I ...
47:47I'll leave it up to you, Del, whatever you think best.
47:50- Alright!
47:51You do the coffee (kissing) and I'll do the bizzo.
47:58- Do you think it'll work?
48:00- Yeah of course it will, be a piece of cake!
48:02They've been begging me to join their lodge for years
48:03but I've always given 'em a blank.
48:08(dog barks)
48:10- Get outta there, Duke!
48:15Get out!
48:17Daddy will be cross!
48:22-[Boyce] Marlene!
48:23That dog is in my aquarium again!
48:25(audience laughs)
48:27- I've told him to get out
48:28but he don't take any notice!
48:31-[Boyce] He'll take some bloody notice
48:32when I put piranha in there!
48:34(audience laughs)
48:36- You're the master of the house, you get 'im out!
48:40Hello, this is Boyce House.
48:42- Hwllo Marlene, it's Del Boy.
48:44How are you, sweetheart?
48:45- Oh, hello Del, how's tricks?
48:48- Never been better, is the old man about?
48:49- Yeah, unfortunately.
48:51I'll get him for ya.
48:52Oh, Del, when you've finished, don't put the receiver down.
48:55I wanna have a word with you about Albert's birthday.
48:59- Oh god, It's this Friday, innit?
49:03Um, Raquel ...
49:06Listen, we've got a bit of a celebration going on
49:08this Friday, do you fancy it?
49:11- Not Friday, I'm at drama class.
49:13- Oh, yeah.
49:15Couldn't you knock it on the edges for this week?
49:18I'd like you to meet my family.
49:19- Honest, I can't.
49:20We're in the final rehearsal.
49:22Anyway, I'm not good at meeting families.
49:24I always say something stupid.
49:27- You haven't met my family.
49:28(audience laughs)
49:33- Hello.
49:34- Hello Boycie, Del Boy.
49:36-[Boyce] Hello, Del.
49:37- Yeah, listen, I want you to do me a very big favor.
49:41I want you to recommend me for
49:43membership to your masonic lodge.
49:45(staccato laughs)
49:48- What's the matter Del, someone
49:49slipped some Angel Dust in your pina colada?
49:52No no no no. only the most respected
49:55members of our society can join my lodge!
49:58- You said they'd take anyone.
50:00- Yeah, but it wouldn't stretch to you.
50:01You'd be blackballed at the first go.
50:04- Oh leave it out, Boyce, it'll be a doddle.
50:06One of my best friends is a member.
50:08-[Boyce] Who? - You.
50:09- Oh.
50:10Oh no no, Del, I couldn't possibly
50:12consider proposing someone like you.
50:15- Listen Boycie, I'd be a very good mason.
50:18I can prove it.
50:19Masons are supposed to do each other favors, right?
50:22Well, you do me the favor of proposing me,
50:24and I'll do one for you.
50:26- And What might that be?
50:27- I won't tell Marlene about
50:28that little bird in Sheffield.
50:33- You wouldn't!
50:34- Try me.
50:36- No, no, no, Del, you may be many
50:39things, but you are not a grass!
50:41I don't think we've got anything
50:42else to say to each other, bye for now.
50:45- Don't hang up, I wanna talk
50:46to him about Albert's birthday.
50:48Del, what do ya think he'd like for a present?
50:55- Now wait a minute, wait a minute!
50:57I do know that he does like a bit of fishing, right,
51:01and he was talking about getting
51:02himself an proper angler's knife.
51:05But it must be made of Sheffield steel.
51:09- Sheffield?
51:10- Give that phone!
51:10(audience laughs)
51:18- Yes Boycie, thank you, Boyce.
51:20Thank you, bye.
51:24(playing piano)
51:27(singing badly)
51:47(cheering and shouting)
51:54- Look at that daft old twonk, eh.
51:57- Be grateful for small mercies.
51:58The Queen had two birthdays a year!
52:00- True.
52:01- Del, you promised me, mate!
52:04- What can I do, Michael?
52:05You've given him too much to drink, haven't ya?
52:07- He's starting to slur his words now.
52:09He's almost offended some of the ladies.
52:11- How do you mean?
52:12- Well, he wanted a rum and black.
52:14He ordered a bum and rack!
52:17- Cross your fingers he doesn't
52:18fancy a Buck's Fizz, Michael.
52:20(audience laughs)
52:26- So what happened at Boycie's masonic lodge last night?
52:28- Oh yeah.
52:30I had to go down and meet the committee members, you know,
52:31try and make a good impression, y'know what I mean.
52:33- Yeah.
52:34So are you a mason now?
52:35No no no no, not yet, the committee
52:38are discussing me this evening.
52:40As Boycie said, there is always a chance
52:42that I could be blackballed.
52:44- Is that part of the initiation ceremony?
52:46(audience laughs)
52:47- No, no, no.
52:49You see, each committee member has
52:52one white ball and one black ball
52:55and to vote, they put one of their balls in a bag.
53:00- Snooker balls!
53:01- Yeah!
53:02- Gotcha.
53:03- When they empty the bag, if all
53:04the balls are white, yeah it's alright, that means you're in
53:07but if there's one black ball,
53:08just one, that's it, you're out.
53:12- Are you doing all this for Raquel?
53:15- Yeah, you know ...
53:16She's worth it, Rodney.
53:18- I can't wait to meet her.
53:20Is she coming down here tonight?
53:21- No no, she's not, she's rehearsing.
53:23- Yeah, what in?
53:25- Dunno, a rehearsal room, I suppose.
53:27(audience laughs)
53:28- No, I meant what play?
53:30- Oh!
53:31I dunno, something deep and meaningful.
53:34One of them Russian jobs, likely.
53:36- The ones we don't watch on BBC Two?
53:38Chekhov, that sorta stuff?
53:40- No no, those are ones I never used to watch.
53:43But in them days, you see, I wasn't esoteric.
53:46- No?
53:48- No, but Raquel has taught me what's what.
53:52You stick me in front of the telly
53:53with a Singapore Sling and a ham sandwich
53:55and a bit of Chekhov and I'm as happy as a sandboy.
53:59She's, she's good news, Rodney.
54:02She's lovely, she's beautiful, she's talented.
54:05She's got a good pair of lungs on her an' all.
54:08- Yeah?
54:09(audience laughs)
54:11- I mean she's got a good singing voice!
54:15She's got this voice that's a cross between
54:17that Kiri Te Kanawa and Whitney Houston.
54:21- Lovely.
54:22- Just what the doctor ordered!
54:25Here's Boycie.
54:26Boycie, over here!
54:29Sit yourself down, Boycie.
54:34Have the committee come to a decision yet?
54:36- Yes, Derek, and it is bad news.
54:39Well, it's bad news for you, at least.
54:41You were blackballed.
54:44- Oh, no!
54:46Someone put a black ball in the bag, who?
54:49- When they emptied the bags,
54:50there was more than one black ball.
54:53- How many?
54:53- Well, let's put it this way, have you
54:55ever seen the bottom of a rabbit's hutch?
54:58(audience laughs)
54:59I am sorry, Derek.
55:01I did me best.
55:06- What am I gonna tell Raquel now?
55:09- Look, if she's as talented as you say she is,
55:12she don't need you bribing some television director.
55:16Her talent'll win through!
55:18- You're right, Rodney, you know, you're right.
55:22She's gonna be a star one day 'cause she has got talent!
55:24-[Albert] Altogether now!
55:26- Which is more than you can say for that soppy old git!
55:29♫ I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole
55:32♫ And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul
55:35♫ Take it out, take it out
55:38♫ Wiggle it about, remove it
55:41- Albert, that is enough!
55:44Del, help me chuck him in the back
55:45of the van and drive him home.
55:47- With that engine?
55:48You must be joking!
55:49It needed a walking frame to get down here tonight.
55:52- It was going alright the other day.
55:53- Yeah, when was that?
55:55- I saw Dave driving it, some
55:56of his mates were following him.
55:58- Oh, yeah?
55:59- Well yeah, but the engine was well lumpy then, Del.
56:02- It was goin' a fair old lick, though, wasn't it!
56:05- Yeah, but it was making a terrible noise.
56:08- Hang on, what's this all about?
56:10- Altogether now!
56:13- Albert Trotter?
56:16- Aye, sir.
56:18- Able Seaman Albert Trotter, late
56:20of Her Majesty's Ship Peerless?
56:22- Aye, sir.
56:23- I'm taking you under arrest.
56:25(concerned murmurs)
56:28- They're nicking him, look!
56:29- What's going on?
56:30- You will go to to the Naval Stockade, Portsmouth
56:32where you will await court-martial.
56:34- (stammering) But why?
56:37- Dereliction of duty.
56:39On November 19th, 1941, while serving with the
56:42Royal Pacific Fleet, you did wantonly
56:44abandon your watch duties, thus causing the sinking
56:47of HMS Peerless and causing considerable damage
56:50to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh.
56:53- But that was nearly 50 years ago!
56:56- The original papers have only been discovered
56:57in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters, Singapore.
57:01- I couldn't understand the radar!
57:04It was all blibs and blobs!
57:06- Read the charges, Petty Officer.
57:08- Aye-aye, sir.
57:09Able Seaman Albert Trotter,
57:10you are hereby ordered by Her Majesty the Queen,
57:13by the High Lords of the Admiralty,
57:14and by all your friends and relatives,
57:17to have a very happy birthday!
57:20(audience laughs)
57:25(crowd cheering and hooting)
57:33- Is this your birthday surprise?
57:34- Yeah!
57:36I saw this strippergram in the local paper!
57:41Look at the old sod's face!
57:42- Any way, I'll get you for this, you toe-rag!
57:45Oh-ho-ho!
57:46(laughing and cheering)
57:57(audience laughs)
58:04- Raquel?
58:08- Raquel?
58:09Is this the actress you've been
58:11telling us so much about, Del Boy?
58:14(all laughing)
58:17- That's your Raquel?
58:43(door slams)
59:08- Alright?
59:12- Oddly enough, I am not alright!
59:19- Look, Del, don't get out of your pram over it.
59:22- Don't get out of my pram?
59:25She just humiliated me in there in front of my friends!
59:29- But you booked her.
59:30- I did not book her!
59:32I booked a strippergram.
59:34I did not know it was here because
59:35I did not know she did that for a living.
59:38I thought she was an actress, 'cause
59:39that is what she said she was!
59:42Instead she goes round pubs dressed
59:43in stockings and suspender belts,
59:45flashing her threepenny bits at blokes!
59:48- I shouldn't worry about it, Del.
59:50I don't think very many people noticed.
59:52(audience laughs)
59:53Anyway, what about a few years ago when
59:55you used to go out with that bird Monique?
59:57She used to go around in public wearing next to nothing on.
60:00- She was a lifeguard!
60:03- Well, yeah, alright.
60:09- Del!
60:12Wait a minute!
60:15- Look, I wouldn't talk to him yet, love.
60:16Just leave him, he'll calm down in a ...
60:18Year or two.
60:20- You lied to me!
60:21- No, I didn't!
60:24I never told you I wasn't a stripper.
60:27And anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black.
60:29I've just found out your name is Trotter.
60:31You told me you were called Derek Duval.
60:36- Derek Duval?
60:39- It was a slip of the tongue.
60:40- And you didn't tell me you were a market trader.
60:43And I suppose this is the Ferrari!
60:45(audience laughs)
60:50- Alright, so I might occasionally tell the odd
60:53porkie or two, but I'll tell you something I don't do,
60:56I don't go round pubs dressed in stockings and suspenders,
60:59flashing my boobs at geezers, do I Rodney?
61:03- No, he's never done anything like that.
61:05- No, thank you.
61:07- Oh Del, please listen to me.
61:10I just do this a couple of evenings a week
61:12to pay for my drama lessons.
61:14I mean, where'd you think I found the money to live on?
61:16- I dunno, I thought you was living on
61:18the old rock'n'roll or something.
61:19- No, I'm not on the dole.
61:21I pay for my own way in this world.
61:24I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living.
61:26This may come as a surprise to you,
61:28but I don't bloody like it either!
61:30Anyway, you said you wanted me to meet your family.
61:33- Yes, but I meant with your bloody clothes on!
61:36I got blackballed for you.
61:38- I'm sorry but, before you start moralizing too much,
61:41just remember one thing, you booked me for this evening.
61:44- I didn't know it would be you.
61:46- Oh, so it'd be all right for you and your mates
61:47to leer and lust over a stranger?
61:49- Yes!
61:51No.
61:52Oh, I don't know.
61:55- Look, this is probably a daft question, but ...
62:01Do you want to see me any more?
62:05- Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart.
62:09But next time I'll pay at the door
62:10like all the other punters.
62:25- There was no need to say that to her, Del.
62:28- I know there wasn't.
62:33Now I wish I hadn't.
62:36Like most things in my life, it's too bloody late.
62:47(engine backfires)
62:50(audience laughs)
63:13I fancied a bit of a walk anyway.
63:33- Is that true, then?
63:35- Is what true?
63:36- All these rumors I've been hearing
63:37about you falling in love with some stripper.
63:40- Oh leave it out, Sid.
63:42I wasn't in love with her, I was just
63:45knocking about with her, you know what I mean?
63:46- That's what I told 'em.
63:47I told 'em, "Del Boy wouldn't get serious over some tart."
63:52- No, what do they think I am, some sort of wally?
63:56- Cup of tea, please, Sid.
63:58Alright?
64:01What's up with you now?
64:06- Is it the 175 quid repair bill for the van?
64:12Is it her?
64:13- Her?
64:15- Raquel.
64:18- I've never known anyone called Raquel.
64:22- No, right.
64:25Oi, you coming down the Coach and Horses tonight?
64:27They got a stri--
64:28(audience laughs)
64:31A comedian on.
64:33- No, I don't think so, bruvvy.
64:36I'll stay in and watch a bit of telly.
64:39There's one of them Chekhov plays on BBC Two.
64:43Load of old cobblers.
64:52- Raquel, what a lovely surprise.
64:57Look who's here, Del.
65:02You got time for a cup of tea?
65:04- I don't know.
65:06Have I got time for a cup of tea?
65:08- It's a free country.
65:11- See, I told you he'd mellow after a bit.
65:15Well, I've got to go somewhere to ...
65:19Well, I've got to go somewhere.
65:21Here, have my tea.
65:30-[Mrs. Sansom] Oi, Rodney!
65:33-[Rodney] Hello, Mrs. Sansom.
65:34-[Mrs. Sansom] What did you do to my Nerys?
65:35She came in shaking like a leaf.
65:39-[Rodney] It wasn't me, Mrs. Sansom, it was some yobs.
65:42- What sort of week have you had?
65:45- Blinding, you?
65:46- Rotten.
65:48- It's a tough old world, innit?
65:50- Tougher than I ever imagined.
65:54I've, uh, I've resigned from the strippergram agency.
65:58- Oh, good.
65:59- I've signed on the dole.
66:00- That's a step up the ladder, innit?
66:04Why didn't you tell me what you did for a living,
66:06why'd you let me find out like that?
66:07- You don't think I wanted you to find out that way, do you?
66:11Look, that night I took a job to give birthday
66:12greetings to someone called Albert Trotter.
66:15It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter.
66:17If I'd known your real name, I would have
66:19realized it was you and not taken the job.
66:22- You still didn't tell me what you did for a living.
66:24- I was hoping there'd be no need to.
66:27After I met you and I realized we were ...
66:32Becoming close, I planned to pack
66:34the whole strippergram business in
66:35and you'd have been none the wiser.
66:38It just didn't work out that way.
66:42- I thought I knew you.
66:44I knew nothing.
66:46You were all disguises and secrets.
66:50- I'm sorry.
66:55I'm going on a tour.
66:57- Yeah?
66:58Bet it's a mystery one.
67:00- No, it's no mystery.
67:02An agent called me a couple of days ago.
67:03It could be helpful for my career.
67:04- Hmm, cushty.
67:07- You won't won't have to worry about bumping into me.
67:10It's a tour of the Middle East.
67:11- Middle East?
67:13I didn't know they went in for all that
67:14Uncle Vanya and Run For Your Wife stuff.
67:17- No, it's not a play, it's a revue.
67:20Dancing, that sort of thing.
67:22- Oh, use your noddle, Raquel!
67:25You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers.
67:29You'll end up as a hostess in
67:30some topless dive in the Casbah.
67:34- No, it's an official tour, all above board.
67:36- You'll probably get kidnapped
67:37and end up in a harlem.
67:39(audience laughs)
67:41- Don't be silly.
67:43- Oh, if that's what you want.
67:45- It's not what I want.
67:46It's the next best thing.
67:50It's a shame the two of us
67:50couldn't have been more honest with each other.
67:53- I was straight with you.
67:55Oh, all right, I called myself Duval.
67:58Well what's wrong with that?
67:59That's nothing, it's just a joke.
68:02I didn't tell you any other lies.
68:04- Del!
68:05- What's he want?
68:07- Maybe it's another call from your New York office.
68:10(audience laughs)
68:29Del, I just want to say thanks.
68:33- What for?
68:34- For lots of things.
68:37For being the only man I've ever met
68:38who wanted me to keep my clothes on.
68:41For getting yourself blackballed for me.
68:44For giving me back my self-esteem.
68:48I used to wake up in the morning
68:49and look in the mirror and think, "Oh, you again."
68:53After I met you I used to wake up and think,
68:56"Great, another day!
69:00"You're going to be somebody!
69:02"This time next year I'll be famous."
69:07Thanks for that.
69:16- Raquel?
69:19Would you like a piece of my fried bread?
69:21(audience laughs)
69:31When are you leaving?
69:33- Tomorrow afternoon, I've got a cab coming at 12.
69:38It's taking me to Waterloo Station.
69:41That's ironic, isn't it?
69:46It doesn't have to be the end.
69:48We could still go on seeing each other.
69:51- I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show.
69:54- I mean I don't have to go.
69:56- You said you'd already agreed to it.
69:59- If I'm not there, I'm not there.
70:00They'll have to find a replacement.
70:02Shouldn't be that difficult, thousands of girls
70:04are begging for a chance like this.
70:10- I don't know what to say, sweetheart.
70:12It's taken me a bit by surprise.
70:17- I've done all my thinking, and I know what I want.
70:20If you want me to stay, then I will.
70:22I'm not talking about any heavy commitment,
70:24like marriage or even living together.
70:28We could just be there for each other.
70:33Think about it, won't you?
70:36- Yeah, of course I will.
70:39- If you like the idea, just be at my flat tomorrow.
70:43If not, I'll understand.
70:48- Yeah.
70:51I just need a bit of time, that's all.
70:55- Okay.
70:58Thanks for the fried bread.
71:01I'll see you, maybe?
71:22- I gotta be honest, Rodney, it was funny at the time, mate.
71:25- Yeah, well Del didn't seem to think so.
71:27- No, well he wouldn't, would he?
71:30- Del's been taking it very well, as it happens.
71:32- Yeah, well we'll have to take your word for that, Rodney.
71:35'Cause he ain't been in here since.
71:36- He had a bit of thinking to do last night,
71:38he's got a sort of decision to make.
71:40- What's that?
71:41Whether to pay the bill for the strippergram, eh?
71:44- Mike, you're bang out of order with this ...
71:56- Morning, all.
71:57Same again for Rodney, Singapore Sling for me,
72:01small rum for Elton John over there
72:04and make one for yourself, Michael.
72:05- Cheers, Del.
72:10- So, what are you doing?
72:15- Well, I've been thinking about her
72:17all night last night, Rodney.
72:18She's had a tough old life.
72:20Her old man was a right roughhouse and the other blokes
72:22she's known before that were no better.
72:25She's had nothing but bad luck.
72:28Then she met me.
72:31- Bloody hell, life's a bitch, eh?
72:33(audience laughs)
72:39- That is when her luck changed, Rodney!
72:41- Oh!
72:42Yeah yeah, that's what I meant.
72:46- I mean you know, I've always been bad luck to women.
72:49- No, you ain't!
72:51- No, I have!
72:53I was thinking back last night
72:54to all the birds that I've known.
72:57Yeah ...
72:59I've brought 'em all nothing but bad luck.
73:03I'm a bit like that Little Joe.
73:07- Little Joe?
73:09- You know, in Bonanza, Little Joe.
73:12- You ain't, Del, you're nothing like him!
73:13(audience laughs)
73:15- Not in looks!
73:17I mean, he's an ugly-looking git!
73:20But I mean, you know whenever you watch an episode
73:21of Bonanza and Little Joe falls in love
73:24with a woman, you know she is gonna die!
73:29As soon as he starts stronging it with a sort,
73:32you can guarantee that she's either gonna
73:34catch a fever, get trampled underfoot in a stampede
73:37or the Indians are gonna have her!
73:41- That's not gonna happen to Raquel.
73:44- No, I know it won't.
73:46I thought about it last night and I thought to myself,
73:49whatever happens, Raquel is not
73:51going to end up full of arrows!
73:53(audience laughs)
73:55When I came around here I thought I'd give myself
73:57a couple quick liveners and then go round to her flat.
73:59- Yeah, well done, Del!
74:01You stuff what the others think, eh?
74:03- Right, bruv, that's right.
74:05Thank you, Rodney.
74:06You stuck by me, you're a diamond!
74:07- Oh, get off!
74:09- No no, you are.
74:10I'll never forget that.
74:13You did laugh at the time, though.
74:15- Yeah, but I didn't know who it was!
74:19So this is all serious stuff, then?
74:21- Well, no, we're not talking about
74:23marriage or nothing like that.
74:25We're not even talking about living together.
74:26It's just that, well, we're just
74:30gonna be there for each other.
74:35Cheers, Rodney.
74:37- All the best, Del.
74:37- Cheers.
74:48You can imagine how I felt, can't ya?
74:51I felt like a right dipstick!
74:53- I know we all had a laugh at ya, but no offense was meant.
74:56- It's alright, Mike, none taken.
74:58It's all forgotten about now, right?
75:00I thought Albert's been well, although he did
75:02threaten to get even with you.
75:03- Yeah, well Del ain't eaten a thing
75:04Albert's cooked ever since.
75:06(audience laughs)
75:07- Talking about Albert, take that rum
75:09over for him, will you Rodney?
75:13Hmm, what's the time, ooh, look at the time!
75:15I'm supposed to be round Raquel's by noon.
75:17- Give her my love, won't you Del,
75:18and tell her to pop in for a drink one night, eh?
75:20- Yeah I will, Mike, cheers.
75:21- There you go, Albert.
75:23- So has he reached a decision?
75:25- Yeah, he's going round to her flat in a minute.
75:28- Good.
75:29She wouldn't have been happy touring round the Middle East.
75:32I never liked it over there.
75:35Did I tell you about that time I was in Cairo?
75:37- Yes, you must have, Albert.
75:39You must have!
75:43Oh, god!
75:47- What's up, Rodney?
75:48- I better go, right?
75:49I've gotta go!
75:53- Blimey, you wanna clean your pipes out a bit, Mike.
75:57It's gone right through him, that has!
76:00Anyway, I must be off.
76:01I'll see ya.
76:02Ta-ta.
76:03- Is your name Trotter?
76:07- Yes, that's my name, that's me.
76:08- Is that your yellow van out there?
76:10- What, the on with Trotter written on the side?
76:13Yes, that's mine.
76:15- A couple of weeks ago, a yellow three-wheeled van
76:18very similar to yours shot the lights
76:20between Lewisham Hill and Woodford Lane.
76:22We're in the process of questioning
76:23the owners of all such vehicles.
76:25- Oh, well, look no further, officers.
76:30It was me!
76:31It's a fair cop, I dunnit!
76:41You disappoint me, Uncle!
76:45- Mr. Trotter.
76:46- Yes?
76:47- Either you're not taking this very seriously
76:49or you don't understand the full
76:51implications of your last statement!
76:54- Come on darling, I'm a bit pushed for time
76:56so, you know, can we get on with it?
76:58- What do you mean?
76:59- You know what I mean, come on, hurry up!
77:01Come on, get 'em off!
77:02(audience laughs)
77:16- I would've thought you'd have come up
77:17with something a bit more original than that, Uncle.
77:19It's got nothing to do with me, son!
77:22- If it wasn't anything to do with you ...
77:25(audience laughs)
77:29Oh, my god!
77:31- Nick him!
77:33♫ I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China
77:41♫ All to myself
77:45- No, please!
77:46I've gotta meet someone at noon!
77:48- You are gonna meet someone at noon, our desk sergeant!
77:50A very nice man, and I'm sure you two
77:52will get on like a house on fire.
78:04- Look, can you take me round to Herrington Road?
78:06I've gotta meet someone, turn left here.
78:09If you could just go ...
78:11Oh, thanks very much, pal!
78:14(audience laughs)
78:15(clock chiming)
78:29I know you don't believe me, but
78:30can I at least use your phone?
78:32-[Male Cop] You're allowed one phone call.
78:33-[Del] Thanks, what's the time?
78:34-[Female Cop] Twenty to one.
78:36- Oh, terrific.
78:38You don't know the code for Addis Ababa, do you?
78:40(audience applauds)
78:46♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
78:48♫ Miles and miles of carpet tiles
78:49♫ TVs, deep freeze
78:51♫ And David Bowie LPs
78:52♫ Ball games, gold chains
78:54♫ what's names, leather goods
78:55♫ Trevor Francis tracksuits
78:57♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
78:58♫ Bush bush bush bush bush bush bush
79:01♫ No income tax, no VAT
79:04♫ No money back, no guarantee
79:08♫ Black or white, rich or broke
79:11♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
79:15♫ God bless Hooky Street
79:18♫ Viva Hooky Street
79:21♫ Long live Hooky Street
79:24♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
79:27♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street
79:32♫ Hooky Street