Only Fools and Horses S00E10 — Rodney Come Home

Every line from “Rodney Come Home” (1668 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E10 meme — “Why don't you take a leaf out of my book, eh?”

00:00("Only Fools and Horses")
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la la, la la la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la, la la la la la
00:40♫ La la la la
00:42-[Albert] I wish Rodney was still working with ya.
00:44-[Del] So do I.
00:45-[Albert] Your suitcase is giving me backache.
00:46-[Del] And your moanings are give me heartache.
00:49- I fought for this country.
00:51- Did ya?
00:52How did you get on?
00:55- Well, what are we waiting for?
00:59- I'll tell you what we are waiting for.
01:01The security people, they change shifts,
01:03don't they, at 12 o'clock, and the new lot
01:05always start on the bottom floor,
01:07which gives us a chance to flog
01:08up here on the top floor, don't it?
01:10Right, come on, pick it up, chop chop, off we go.
01:13- What have you got in this suitcase then, hooky gear?
01:16- Hooky?
01:17How dare you!
01:19I don't deal in stuff like that.
01:21Well, not since I met Raquel.
01:23I wouldn't get her involved in anything like that.
01:27- So what you worried about?
01:29- I'll tell you what I am worried about,
01:31I'm an unlicensed trader, ain't I, eh?
01:35Many, many moons ago, a local magistrate and I
01:38had a sort of misunderstanding,
01:41and he took the law in his own hands,
01:43and banned every council in London
01:45from issuing me with a trader's license,
01:47so now I got to flog where and when I can.
01:49- Well, could I go and get something to eat?
01:52- No you cannot!
01:54You're going to be my lookout!
01:55Anyway, Raquel's making us something to eat
01:57later when we get home.
01:58- But I'm hungry now!
02:01- Oh, goll Bennie.
02:03Alright, here you go.
02:05Go and get us a couple of hamburgers, will ya?
02:07- What?
02:08No thank you.
02:09I'm taking no chances.
02:11Say I caught mad cow disease?
02:14- There's no worry about that.
02:15Who the hell is going to notice?
02:40(intercom buzzes)
02:45(intercom buzzes repeatedly)
02:49(music playing on headphones)
02:53- Michelle.
02:58Michelle.
03:03(music stops)
03:06Are you going to the hamburger bar in the precinct
03:08during your lunch hour?
03:09- No.
03:13- Michelle, you're new here and I don't think
03:14you've fully got the gist of my question.
03:17You see, I am the head of the computer section
03:21and you are the secretary to
03:23the head of the computer section.
03:25So when the head of the computer section
03:26asks the secretary to the head of the computer section
03:29whether she's going to the hamburger bar in the precinct,
03:32what the head of the computer section is saying,
03:35is go to the hamburger bar in the precinct
03:37during your lunch hour because the head
03:39of the computer section is starving bloody hungry!
03:43- You want me to go to the hamburger bar?
03:45- Yes, if it's not too much trouble.
03:48I fancy the juiciest, greasiest hamburger
03:50they've got on offer.
03:52- Mr. Coleman from Classic Curtains
03:53is coming in to see you in a little while.
03:55- Yes, I know, that is why I cannot get out
03:57during the lunch hour and I need food bringing in.
04:00- No, what I'm trying to say is,
04:02do you want to invite Mr. Coleman, an important client,
04:05into an office that stinks to high heaven
04:08of fried onions and grease?
04:10- Michelle, my office ...
04:14It ...
04:18Thanks very much, Michelle.
04:21Do carry on with whatever you're doing.
04:24They look very nice.
04:26They'd make Freddie Kruger dead jealous.
04:35Raquel!
04:38How you doing?
04:39- Hi, Rodney.
04:40- Fancy a coffee?
04:42- I've got to get this stuff home.
04:44- Well, come in, I'll get one of the driver
04:45to give you a lift.
04:46- You sure?
04:47- Yeah, of course, I'll get a kettle on.
04:53She's got bags of food.
04:56I'll mug her.
05:01- You ready then?
05:02- No no no no no no no, no.
05:06Selling is all about timing, idn't it?
05:09Haven't you seen one of those nature programs,
05:11you know, on the BBC, with that Richard Attenborough,
05:13you know the one where you see the lion
05:15lying in the undergrowth, watching as
05:17a flock of antelope go by.
05:20Well,
05:22they,
05:25they are my antelope.
05:28And like the lion, I know when the time is right.
05:32I instinctively know the optimum moment
05:35in which to make my move,
05:37and then and only then
05:39will I strike.
05:42- Yeah.
05:44During the war--
05:45- Here we go, then.
05:49You'd better get in your lookout position.
05:51Over there, alright?
05:53- So what do you want me to do?
05:54- What do you mean, what do I want you to do?
05:57You're a lookout, ain't ya, so you know,
05:59you look out, don't ya?
06:00- I meant, if I see the security blokes coming,
06:03what should I say?
06:05- I don't particularly mind what you say.
06:07You can say "thar she blows," "ship ahoy,"
06:10or "man overboard" for all I care.
06:14As long as I don't get me collar felt.
06:17Stun me, this hands on management lot
06:19give me the right hump sometimes.
06:22Let's have that up here, that's it.
06:25Should do alright with this stuff.
06:27They'll be falling over themselves
06:28to get at this top quality gear.
06:34- Yeah, thanks a lot.
06:36Well, give us about 10 minutes,
06:37'cause she's just finishing her coffee, alright?
06:39Cheers.
06:41Your van awaits.
06:42- Oh, thanks.
06:43- So, are you and Del still coming around
06:44for dinner next week?
06:45- So long as it's still alright with you and Casandra.
06:47- Yeah, been looking forward to it.
06:49Sorry it's taken so long to invite you.
06:51We was going to pop round and say hello, you know,
06:53'cause Del said you was back in town and living with,
06:56living um,
06:58staying at the flat with him and Albert.
07:02So, when'd you get back?
07:03- Couple weeks ago.
07:05I was over in America having a great time
07:06when I suddenly thought--
07:07- Hold on, you was in America?
07:10-[Raquel] Didn't I say?
07:11- No.
07:12- Oh, it was wonderful.
07:13We were doing this tour of My Fair Lady down the east coast.
07:17I was a flower seller.
07:18- Cosmic.
07:21- Very cheap and cheerful,
07:22but I've seen the world and getting paid.
07:24We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans.
07:29Then suddenly I got this sort of urge to come home.
07:32- To Del?
07:33- Yes, to Del.
07:35- I wouldn't come home from New Orleans to see Del.
07:38I wouldn't come home from the New Forest to see Del.
07:42- You don't see him the way I do.
07:44He's lovely.
07:45- Well, there are many words I could use
07:47to describe Derek Trotter, but lovely is not one of those.
07:51So how's the old sod keeping?
07:53- He's fine.
07:55He seems,
07:56I don't know, quieter, than when I first met him.
07:59- Del?
08:01Raquel, some years ago, Del went to a monastery
08:03and took a vow of loudness.
08:07- Oh, that's not fair!
08:09He has changed.
08:11Not so loud and brash as he used to be.
08:15- Alright, come on in, gather round,
08:16gather round, ladies and gents.
08:17The crusader against inflation
08:19with another bargain of a lifetime.
08:22Now this magnificent old doll here,
08:24that would probably cost you 35 pounds
08:26up there in Oxford Street.
08:29But you know my motto, my motto is,
08:31West End good at South End prices.
08:36If I offered you this little doll here
08:38for 10 pounds, you'd probably rip my arm off
08:41at the elbow to get at it, wouldn't ya?
08:44But I'll tell you what I'm going to do,
08:45because I'm in a festive mood,
08:47I'm going to let you have this doll
08:48at rock bottom bargain price.
08:50Now I'm not going to ask you for 10 quid,
08:53I'm not ask you for eight quid,
08:55what I'm going to ask you for
08:56is seven pound 50, seven pound 50, here it goes,
08:59first come, first served, I haven't got many.
09:00Come on, come on, quick quick, don't (indistinct).
09:04What is the matter with you people?
09:05What is the matter, don't you see
09:06a bargain when you see one?
09:07This is not your foreign rubbish, you know.
09:09This is hand made in Great Britain.
09:13The British toy industry reckon this is the most
09:15lifelike doll they've ever seen in their life,
09:17and I'll prove it to you, look at this.
09:19Look at this, here it is, a genuine little baby bottle.
09:22You can feed her from the bottle.
09:25She wets herself.
09:26She laughs, she cries.
09:28And if you keep her til she's 13,
09:30she breaks out in acne and wants to go a Bros concert!
09:34Would I lie, would I lie to you?
09:37I'll show you something else, another little feature
09:39of this wonderful toy.
09:41She will even sing a little lullaby
09:43to put herself to sleep, just listen to this.
09:46(doll singing in Korean)
09:55- He's having a lot of trouble
09:56with the exhaust pipe on the van.
09:58It's got a hole in it.
09:59- Oh, now that's a shame,
10:00'cause the exhaust's the only decent thing on it.
10:08- So, how are things with you and Cassandra.
10:12- What do you mean?
10:13- I mean, are you both well?
10:14- Yeah, yeah, great.
10:17- Cassandra's still studying hard for promotion?
10:20- Yes.
10:22Yes, she's still a very ambitious lady.
10:24- So, married life suits you.
10:28- Yeah.
10:32Come on then, what's Del been saying?
10:35- He hasn't said anything, honest.
10:38Alright, he mentioned that you'd had a couple of rows.
10:42Once when you upset Cassandra's boss and his wife?
10:45- Oh, that was nothing.
10:47It was a misunderstanding.
10:48Three minutes after it happened,
10:50we was all laughing about it.
10:51- Del said she chucked you out.
10:54- Only for a couple of days.
10:57- Then another time Cassandra went back to her parents?
11:00- That was nothing either.
11:02Really.
11:04We're happy.
11:05- That's what I wanted to say to you.
11:07I know it's none of my business, Rodney, it's just,
11:11I have had a marriage break up.
11:14I know how these things can start.
11:16Lot of people think a marriage comes complete
11:18with gift wrapping.
11:20It doesn't.
11:23Comes in kit form.
11:24You've got to work at it.
11:27- Uh, excuse me, Rodney.
11:29I've just noticed we're doing
11:30more of this cheap printing for Del.
11:32We're not running a charity organization.
11:35Excuse me.
11:36- Oh, no, Alan, let me introduce you.
11:38Uh, Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father-in-law,
11:41'cause he's Cassy's dad.
11:44- Yeah, I figured that one out, Rodney.
11:46- Yeah, sorry.
11:47- And Alan, this is Raquel.
11:48Her and Del live,
11:50her and Del are friends.
11:54- Yeah, Del's told me all about you.
11:55You're uh, you're an actress, aren't you?
11:57- Well, some people say that, others tell the truth.
11:59- Oh, come on now, Del speaks very highly of your talent.
12:02We'll have to go out for dinner one evening, all of us.
12:04- Look forward to it.
12:05- Look uh, I've got to dash because
12:07I'm meeting someone for lunch.
12:08We're going to try that new Chinese place
12:10down by the Arches, they say the food is out of this world.
12:13- Good.
12:15- Uh, just try to keep a closer eye on things, Rodney.
12:18This cheap printing is very good for some people.
12:20Unfortunately, it's not for us.
12:23See you again, Raquel.
12:23- Yes, bye.
12:29I'd better be going, too.
12:34Why don't you pop in on your way home
12:36from work this evening, Del hasn't seen you for ages.
12:42I'm doing roast chicken, jacket potatoes, all the trimmings.
12:49There's be plenty there if you're peckish.
12:52- No, I'd better take a rain check on it.
12:54'Cause I've got my route and timing figured out
12:56to avoid the traffic on the one-way system,
12:58so some other time, eh?
13:00Well, driver's waiting for you out there.
13:02- Okay.
13:05Give my love to Cassy.
13:07- Yeah.
13:07- Bye.
13:12- Roast chicken and all the trimmings.
13:37- It's Mr. Coleman from.
13:44- Hello.
13:47("Let Me Be" by Feargal Sharkey playing on stereo)
13:50(music stops)
13:52(door closes)
13:53-[Rodney] Hi!
13:54- Hi.
13:58You're late this evening.
13:59- Yeah.
14:00Yeah, I got stuck in a traffic jam on the one-way system.
14:03Got to say, smells good.
14:05I'm starving.
14:06-[Cassandra] I just did myself one of those
14:07ready-made meals in the microwave.
14:12- Well, I'm starving.
14:18-[Cassandra] There's plenty in the freezer.
14:20- Good.
14:23What a very clean oven we've got.
14:26-[Cassandra] Sorry?
14:26- Ah, I was just remarking how amazingly clean
14:28one can keep these new modern ovens.
14:31Especially when one never bloody cooks in them.
14:38What, are you going out?
14:39- Yeah.
14:40- Oh.
14:41Well, that'll make a nice change, won't it?
14:43What is it tonight, the bank's final exams?
14:46The bank's annual cheese and wine orgy?
14:50The bank's annual yoga and target practice course?
14:53- I'm playing badminton.
14:55- Oh, I see.
14:56Where?
14:57- The bank's sports club.
15:00- Well, you go and enjoy yourself, Cass.
15:03I've got a busy evening planned as well.
15:05I'm going to sit in and read the bank's pamphlet
15:07on our joint pension policy.
15:09- Oh God, here we go again.
15:10Alright, what's wrong this time?
15:12- What, with me?
15:13What could possibly be wrong with me?
15:15- You don't stop being so childish,
15:16I swear one of these days
15:17I'll smother you with your comfort blanket.
15:19- Me, childish?
15:21You're the one who's got a bit
15:22of growing up to do, Cassandra.
15:26When are you going to realize you've got a marriage?
15:28You've got a home?
15:30You've got me?
15:30- I never forget that, Roddy.
15:32- I never see you.
15:34You just use this flat like a base camp.
15:36You zoom in and out of here like a bluebottle with the runs.
15:40I've have double glazing salesmen
15:42spend more time in here than you.
15:44- Well, whatever turns you on.
15:46- You know, I mean, how am I supposed,
15:48what's that supposed to mean?
15:50- Look Rodney, I like to keep myself busy.
15:52- Yeah, but you're always out.
15:54On your own.
15:55- Because you never want to go anywhere with me.
15:57I've asked you before to come to badminton,
15:59but you always refused.
16:01- Well, that's because I don't relish the idea
16:02of spending the entire evening
16:03whacking a dead budgie over a net.
16:07Besides which, all our social occasions
16:09are in some way or another tied to the bank.
16:13- You resent me pursuing a career, don't you?
16:15- No, I admire anyone who wants to advance themselves.
16:19But your idea of advancement comes straight out
16:21of Rommel's A Thousand and One Things
16:23Every Good Panzer General Should Know.
16:26It's relentless, Cass, you know, it's Blitzkrieg.
16:29- Rodney, I'm not trying to advance my career.
16:31I'm still trying to make up for lost ground.
16:33You of all people should understand that.
16:37- I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra?
16:41And what it is exactly I'm supposed to have done?
16:43- It's just little things,
16:45like that day my boss Stephen and his wife
16:47came round and you punched him in the face.
16:49- Oh, we're still on about that, are we?
16:52- You broke his nose!
16:54- Broke it, I never broke it.
16:58Tiny hairline fracture, that was all.
17:01Anyway, it was long time ago and I have apologized
17:04a thousand times for it.
17:06- I know you have, and I'm perfectly willing
17:08to be understanding, as long as you are.
17:11- Look Cass, how can I put this?
17:13It sounds like a ridiculous thing
17:14for a husband to have to say to his wife,
17:16but I would like to see more of you.
17:18The only time we're really together
17:20is when we're lying in bed.
17:21- With our backs to each other.
17:23- Yeah, well that's only 'cause you turned your back on me.
17:25- Well, you started it.
17:26- I did not!
17:28And why is it, whenever we have a dinner party,
17:30we have to invite your family and your friends?
17:32- We invite your friends as well!
17:34- You name me one occasion, just one,
17:36where I've had my mates round here.
17:38- Last month, Mickey Pearce and Jevon
17:39and their girlfriends came round for the evening.
17:41- I've apologized for that.
17:44- And next week you've invited your brother
17:46and Raquel round for dinner.
17:47- I've apologized for that as well.
17:50Look, Cass, we always said if we had a problem
17:52with our marriage, we would sit down and discuss it
17:54in a mature and adult way.
17:56- Fine, let's sit down and discuss it
17:58in a mature and adult way.
18:03- Well, are you going to start?
18:05- No, you carry on.
18:06- No, please, I'd like to hear what you have to say.
18:08- You started it, Roddy, so you go.
18:10- I didn't start anything.
18:12- Well, you're the one who came home in a mood.
18:14- I only had a mood when I come home and realized
18:15there was nothing for me to eat, again.
18:18- Oh, I see.
18:19That's what this is really all about.
18:21I'm supposed to be the little wife
18:22who has the dinner on the table,
18:24waiting for Roddy to come back from the time warp.
18:26This is not 1933, and the sooner you realize that,
18:29the sooner you'll stop being so bloody childish.
18:32- Cass, if you could avert your gaze
18:34from the exotica of the banking world for one moment,
18:37you would realize, as so many women in Peckham realize,
18:40there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter.
18:43And they would appreciate having a young,
18:45vibrant, successful bloke like me about.
18:48And they would most likely do me
18:50a pie and chips when I felt like it.
18:53- Well, why don't you go find one of these women?
18:58- Alright, I will.
18:59- Well, go on then.
19:02- I will.
19:05- And take a bottle of ketchup for your pie and chips.
19:07- I will!
19:44- Oh, what a meal, what a meal.
19:47Je suis, je reste, as they say in Montpellier.
19:52- Does that mean good?
19:53- Good?
19:54Ah, that is absolutely superb.
19:56You know, I haven't had a meal like that
20:00since my dear old mum was alive.
20:02Oh, what was it again?
20:04- Chicken.
20:06- No, I know it was chicken, but what was the dish called?
20:09- Oh, it's called petti di pollo trifolati.
20:12- Ah, well there you go, you see.
20:14You can say what you like about the French,
20:15but they're magic when it comes to a saucepan
20:17and a bit of salt, aren't they?
20:19- It's Italian.
20:22- Oh, yeah yeah, I know, I know it's Italian, yeah.
20:25I mean, I was just saying,
20:26the French are good cooks and all, idn't they?
20:31Oh, oh.
20:33Ah ah ah ah.
20:35Je suis.
20:48Right, here we go.
20:50Get some of this down your neck.
20:54Alright, mm, to the future.
21:04Um, (clears throat) Raquel.
21:07- Hmm?
21:08- Um, you've been here for a week or two now, and uh,
21:13well,
21:14you know how I feel about you, don't you?
21:17- Do I?
21:18You've never said.
21:20- No, well, I thought it was obvious.
21:23I mean,
21:25I really do like you.
21:30And um, look you don't have to answer this now
21:32if you don't want to,
21:35but I was wondering
21:39if you would um
21:42well, if you would.
21:44(door slams)
21:46What the blimey?
21:48- I've kept your dinner warm in the oven, Albert.
21:50Is everything alright now?
21:51- I've cut the singed bit off.
21:54You should never light a candle
21:56when you've got a man with a beard in the house.
21:59- It was your own fault, you should have leaned
22:00across the table to reach for the bread.
22:02I've a good mind to report your beard to the council.
22:05If I hadn't been a bit lively with my Liebfraumilch
22:07we could have had a towering inferno on the rates.
22:11- I'll eat my dinner in the kitchen
22:12away from that fire hazard.
22:15- Good, and mind how you go when you take the plate
22:16out of the oven, 'cause the gas is still on.
22:21- You were saying?
22:22- I'm sorry?
22:23Oh yeah, um, yes.
22:26Um.
22:29Yeah I was saying, um,
22:33see,
22:36you are a woman.
22:39- Thank you.
22:42- And I am a man, yeah?
22:46And uh, no man is an island.
22:57Do you understand what I'm getting at?
23:00- No.
23:03(Del clears his throat)
23:04- Well, I just don't want to rush things, you know.
23:07But I mean, would you, I mean no, no,
23:11what I mean,
23:13would you consider--
23:15- That's it, all over, kaput.
23:18That was her last chance.
23:20- Good evening, Rodney.
23:21- I have never been so insulted in my life.
23:24- Well, sit down bruv, let me have a try.
23:29- What's happening?
23:30- Rodney's left Cassandra.
23:31- What, again?
23:33That's the third time in 18 months you two
23:34have broken up for good.
23:36- Yeah, well this time it is for good!
23:39- Does that mean our invitation for dinner is off, then?
23:42- Well, of course it does.
23:43- What's brought all this about?
23:45- You will not believe this.
23:47She accused me of being childish.
23:50- No!
23:51- Yes, it's true.
23:54Stupid thing.
23:56- Oi, that's my top you're throwing about there.
23:58- Well, tonight was the last straw.
23:59- Really?
24:00What did she do tonight, turn on your Scalextrics?
24:04- Derek, my marriage has broken up,
24:05this is no time for sarcasm.
24:07- Alright, alright Rodney, alright.
24:08Just calm down will you, finish your drink,
24:11then I will drive you home and we will see
24:13if we can sort it out, alright?
24:15- No, you don't understand.
24:16I'm not going back.
24:17Me and Cassy are finished for good!
24:19- Oh, uh oh.
24:21Albert, brandy.
24:24- Rodney, you'll have to talk to her sooner or later.
24:26There'll be things to be discussed.
24:27- Yes, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.
24:35- This is all just one big bloody joke to you, isn't it?
24:38- It's not, Rodney.
24:39It's just that you and Cassandra are behaving
24:41like a couple of 10-year-olds, ain't you, eh?
24:43I mean, you've broken up and gone back together
24:44more times than JR and Sue Ellen.
24:47- Yeah, will this time it is for good.
24:49I am staying here.
24:57- Alright Albert, you'd better go get some blankets
24:59and some pillows and make up a bed for Rodney on the settee.
25:03- The settee?
25:04No, I'll kip in me old room.
25:07- Oh Rodney, you can't kip in your old room because uh,
25:09you know, Raquel sleeps in there, alright?
25:12- Sorry.
25:14- Why's Raquel in my room?
25:16I thought you two.
25:17(Del loudly clears his throat)
25:21- Excuse me.
25:22Just give me a minute, will you, sweetheart?
25:24Ah Rodney, may I have a word with you in the boardroom?
25:33- I thought you and Raquel--
25:34- No!
25:36- What, you mean you're not--
25:37- No.
25:40- But she's been here over a fortnight.
25:41- I know.
25:43- That must be a record.
25:46- Rodney, you came storming in
25:48just at the moment when I was asking Raquel
25:51if she would be kind enough to consider spending my card.
25:57- Well, you'll just have to say it to her.
25:58Say I'm back now, so like it lump it,
26:00she's got to kip with you.
26:01- No, no, Rodney, come here, look, you don't understand,
26:04do you, you don't understand at all,
26:05because you see Raquel, Raquel is a lady.
26:08You see, and when a lady is ready to, to, to uh,
26:12well when she's ready to, she will let me know.
26:17- How?
26:20- Well, you know, she'd give me a sign or something.
26:24- Like what?
26:32- I don't know!
26:35- Perhaps she'll put an announcement in the Sunday sport.
26:36- Yes.
26:40All I know is, that until that happens,
26:43you will be kipping on the settee,
26:45and think yourself lucky.
26:47- Suits me.
26:49Anything's better than sleeping
26:50next to a cold pair of shoulders.
26:55- You going to let him stay?
26:56- I don't know, sweetheart, I just don't know,
26:58I just do not know what to do for the best.
27:00- Let the boy stay for a few days, Del.
27:02- God, that's better, I was starving.
27:12- Send him back to this wife!
27:15I fought a war for you!
27:20("True" by Spandau Ballet)
27:43- Look at that dipstick.
27:52What's he think he's playing at, eh?
27:55- He's had a little too much to drink, that's all.
27:59- Ever since he walked out on Cassandra,
28:02he's spent every night on the pi, the booze.
28:14- You're worried about him, aren't you?
28:18- Yeah, course I am.
28:20Course I'm worried about him.
28:22Spent most of me life bringing him up.
28:26Michael Jackson's got Bubbles, I got Rodney.
28:35- Can we have a,
28:36excuse me, oi,
28:39can we have the same again,
28:40only this time make them large ones.
28:42-[Both] Yes!
28:44- It's your round, Rodney.
28:48- Oh, yeah, I suppose it is.
28:50- Hello, I spy with my little eye
28:53two ladies of the more mature variety.
29:00- Lonely housewives out on the pull.
29:03- Yeah, well just leave me out of this, alright?
29:05- Well yeah, we intended to, Rodney.
29:14- I know you from somewhere, don't I?
29:16- I wouldn't have thought so.
29:18- He never forgets a face.
29:20- Neither do I, and I'd certainly remember you two.
29:25- Did you go to the Dockside Junior School?
29:27- No, I didn't.
29:29- Told ya!
29:30He thought you was our old headmistress.
29:39(faster dance music playing)
29:50- He's drunk.
29:52He's missed a couple of days of work
29:53through hangovers this week already.
29:56- What you mean you're sleeping on the settee?
29:58- It's true.
30:00Del's in his room, right, and Raquel's in my old room.
30:03- I thought Del Boy and her were living together.
30:05- Well yeah, they are, sort of, but,
30:07they ain't cohabiting, you know.
30:09Well, I mean they ain't cohabiting a bed.
30:12But Del said, right, as soon as he's cracked the case,
30:15I can have my old room back.
30:17- Rodney, let me give you some advice.
30:20I'm a ladies hairstylist and know intimately
30:22the working of the female mind.
30:24- Yeah, 'cause he's a woofter.
30:27- Please, be serious Mickey.
30:29I hate it when you do your Timmy Mallet impersonation.
30:33Rodney, why don't you go home to Cassandra?
30:36You had a nice flat, a good girl,
30:38and you've given it all up because of some stupid row.
30:41- Look, if she wants to phone me and apologize,
30:44then I might consider it.
30:46But she started it, so she's gotta phone me first, alright?
30:48- What you've gotta do, Rodney, is make Cassandra jealous.
30:53- Yeah.
30:55Why?
30:57- Make her think other women find you desirable.
31:01- Yeah.
31:02- Don't encourage Rodney to tell her lies.
31:05- No, that's true.
31:08What do you mean lies?
31:09- What?
31:10- Listen to me, Rodney, I always make a point
31:13of making women jealous.
31:14- Ha, go on.
31:17Only time you ever made women jealous
31:18was the night you won the last house at bingo.
31:23- Oh, it's you, Derek.
31:24Tell me uh, how's you and Raquel getting on these days?
31:29- Terrific, thank you very much, Mickey.
31:31What the bleeding hell it's got to do with you I don't know.
31:33- Just concerned.
31:35- Yeah.
31:37- Here, you going to buy us a drink, Del?
31:39- Yeah yeah, alright.
31:40Here you go.
31:41Give the lads a drink and all, will ya?
31:42- Nice.
31:45- Three Coca Colas.
31:49Rodney, I want a word with you.
31:55Here you go, sweetheart.
31:56- Thanks.
31:59- Alright.
32:00- Alright Rodney, go ahead and sit yourself down.
32:03- I'll just um, I won't be long.
32:11- So, you get the exhaust on the van sorted out?
32:14- I booked it in for tomorrow.
32:15You can take it down there for me.
32:17- Me?
32:19- Yeah.
32:20Well, you won't be going to work tomorrow, will you?
32:22Not after what you've shoved down your neck tonight.
32:26So when you're hangover's cleared up,
32:27you can take it down there for me.
32:29- Look, I will be going to work tomorrow.
32:31You can bet your last penny on that, alright?
32:36- Rodney.
32:38Look, Rodders, you've been out
32:40every night this week on the booze.
32:43- I'm just seeing me mates, that's all.
32:44- Yeah, but why are they always the same mates, eh?
32:47Johnny Walker and Ron Bacardi.
32:52You walked out on Cassandra eight days ago.
32:56You've made your point, bruv.
32:58'Bout time you went back home, yeah?
33:00- Look, Del, you've never even been married.
33:01You don't know what it's like.
33:03- No?
33:04Well, mucked about enough, I have a fair idea.
33:09Look, Rodney.
33:11Hey, look, talk to me, will ya?
33:14- Well, to Cassandra right, life's all drive and ambition.
33:19I think she wants to rule the world.
33:20- No she don't.
33:22She just wants promotion at the bank, that's all.
33:25- Ah, exactly, and it's that
33:27blinkedness that's driving away
33:30all her beautiful thoughts, she can't see 'em.
33:34- What, you?
33:37- Yeah, yeah.
33:39Look, I'll tell you what,
33:40the other day it was her birthday, right?
33:42So I bought her a pair of earrings and a Shergal Farkey LP.
33:47- A Shergal what?
33:49- Shergal Farkey
33:52Feargal Sharkey, the singer.
33:54- Oh, yeah, alright.
33:55- And a pair of earrings.
33:56And they was nice earrings, but they was little.
34:00They were very little earrings, right?
34:03They were nice, but they--
34:05- They were very little.
34:06- Yeah.
34:08And she, she has a look at them, and she says,
34:10oh thanks Rodney, aren't they little.
34:15- Oh, no!
34:16- Yes, as true as I'm sitting here.
34:19Uh, stood here.
34:21It's just 'cause unlike mummy and daddy,
34:23now I don't buy her all the big presents, do I?
34:27So there's sometimes I wish I could meet another girl.
34:30- You're present condition, you ought to think about
34:32joining the lonely kidney's club.
34:44- I think, all in all you know, this married life's been
34:49a bit of a letdown for young Cassandra.
34:54Yeah, well I, I don't care.
34:58No skin off my nose, is it?
35:02I couldn't give a monkey's toss, me.
35:08I love her, Del.
35:12- Shut up, shut up you tart.
35:18- I just can't live up to her high expectations.
35:21- Look, I ...
35:24Look, I'm going to have words with your wife,
35:26and I'm going to tell her that size isn't important,
35:28it's the thought that counts.
35:31- If you get involved in the ...
35:34What do you mean, size isn't important?
35:37- Well, about them earrings.
35:39- Oh sod the earrings, they're not imp ...
35:42God, it makes me so angry.
35:46I gotta find a little bloke, I'm gonna have a fight.
35:49- What!
35:51Don't start, will you?
35:52- And another thing, she never cooked for me.
35:54She's always too busy.
35:57- (indistinct) You know, you can cook, can't you?
36:01- Yeah, but I wanted her to do it for me.
36:05- Oh, I see.
36:06What you wanted really was
36:08Cassandra to make a fuss of it.
36:12- Yes.
36:13- Oh, come on, sit yourself down here.
36:17Look, she ain't your mum, Rodney.
36:19- What do you mean?
36:20- Um.
36:22You never knew the joy of having a mum, did ya?
36:26And you were barely on solids when
36:29the angels came down and
36:31took her away.
36:33- I do remember, sort of,
36:35but it's, it's misty.
36:37- Yeah.
36:39- This blonde lady, and,
36:41and she was there and,
36:43then shen wasn't.
36:46Bit like the SDP, really.
36:52- You want a right hander for a nightcap?
36:55You show some respect, Rodney.
36:56- Yeah, Del, I'm sorry, right.
36:58I didn't mean to bring mum up.
37:00Look, I'm really sorry.
37:02God, what a life I have.
37:04Me wife don't love me, me mum's left me,
37:07and some bastard's nicked me bike.
37:11- I told you not to leave it out on the landing, didn't I.
37:14- Yes, I know.
37:17- Yeah well, come on, come on.
37:19Don't be a defeatist.
37:21These things were sent to try us.
37:23Why don't you take a leaf out of my book, eh?
37:25You know, happy go lucky, never let life get me down.
37:30Hey come on, use me as your role model.
37:33- You?
37:34You must be joking.
37:36Here I don't need a, a role mo, a, mo.
37:39Mole.
37:40- No, come on Rodney.
37:43Role model.
37:44- Roll mo.
37:45- Roll model.
37:46- I don't need one of them, 'cause I am happy as I am.
37:52See you later.
37:54- Yeah, alright.
37:57- Any luck?
37:59- No no, just, I tried, I tried.
38:02- You're a very nice person, Derek Trotter.
38:05- Yeah, I know, it's one of my failures, that.
38:07It has been.
38:15- I think Rodney is a very confused young man.
38:18Confused, maybe a bit frightened.
38:20- Frightened, what are you talking about, frightened,
38:21he's not frightened, he's a bloke.
38:23- Well I know, but even blokes get frightened.
38:25Everyone's frightened of something.
38:27- Really?
38:28Well, what are you frightened of then?
38:30- Shut up, you'll make me feel silly.
38:32- No no.
38:33No seriously, come on, what are frightened of?
38:35No, go on, tell me, I promise I won't laugh.
38:39- The dark.
38:40(Del laughs)
38:45- You're not, are you?
38:46What, even today you're frightened of the dark?
38:49- Yeah.
38:50Sometimes I lie in bed, and the dark seems,
38:54well, seems to be
38:56touching me.
38:59Stupid, eh?
39:01- Yeah.
39:08You know if, if you like,
39:11tonight,
39:13when you're lying in bed in the dark,
39:19I could hold your hand.
39:27- Okay.
39:30Thank you.
39:32- Right then, drink up.
39:38- My reputation in this area isn't as good
39:39as I'd like it to be, so please don't
39:41tell anyone about this, about us.
39:43- No, of course, I won't.
39:44What sort of bloke do you think I am?
39:46Look, Raquel, this is between you and me.
39:48This is between us two, eh?
39:59- Hey Del.
40:00You going?
40:01- Yeah.
40:02- Alright, see you later, right?
40:03- Yeah, alright.
40:04Oh, Rodney, you can sleep in your own room tonight.
40:07- Oh, nice one Del!
40:10(overlapping talking)
40:22(BBC News at Six theme playing on TV)
40:28("Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol playing on radio)
40:40- What's that horrible racket?
40:43- I'm listening to me radio.
40:44- I can't sleep with all that noise going on.
40:51(music stops)
40:51- An amazing statement coming from a man
40:53who slept through two World Wars.
40:56- I didn't do any sleeping during the war, Rodney,
40:59I was out there on the big waves.
41:01Shell and fire, that was me.
41:04They could make a film about my life story.
41:06- Yeah, three men and a dingy.
41:11- So how are you feeling now, is your hangover cleared up?
41:14- I didn't have hangover.
41:15- Why didn't you go to work this morning?
41:17- None of your bus, God, you're a nosy git, idn't ya?
41:20No wonder they kept throwing you out of the lifeboat.
41:23- If that's the sort of rubbish you listen to,
41:25it's no wonder your wife chucked you out on your ass.
41:28- She did not chuck me out, I left of my own accord.
41:31She's praying for me to go back.
41:33- Oh, spending a lot of time in church, is she?
41:36Maybe that's why she's never in when Raquel phones her.
41:39- You're just trying to wind me up, idn't ya?
41:41- I'm not son, honest.
41:45They found your bike yet?
41:47- Get off my case, Albert.
41:49I'm gonna get dressed.
41:51("Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol plays on radio)
42:06(door closes)
42:10-[Albert] Have you seen my slippers, Raquel?
42:12- You're wearing them, Albert.
42:14What's wrong with Rodney?
42:16Slamming drawers, banging things around in there.
42:18- I think he's still upset about him and Cassandra.
42:21I tried to give him a few words of encouragement,
42:23but nothing seems to work.
42:24- At least you're trying.
42:26(door closes)
42:29- Alright, where is that idiot?
42:31- He's getting dressed.
42:32-[Raquel] Are you alright, love?
42:33- Yeah, I'm alright, sweetheart.
42:36I'm just suffering from a bit of the old
42:38executive burnout, you know.
42:42Could murder a drink.
42:43- Go on, sit down, I'll do it.
42:45- Oh, alright.
42:46Thank you, darling.
42:49I'll talk to you in private.
42:51- Yeah, alright Del, what about her?
42:54- Don't worry about her, I'll think of something.
42:56- Will a brandy do, Del?
42:57- Oh yes, cushty.
42:58Ah, no, second thought, I'll tell you what.
42:59I'd like a nice mug of decaffeinated coffee
43:02made in the percolator.
43:03- That takes ages.
43:04- Yes, I know, but it's much healthier, idn't it, eh?
43:06- Yeah, alright then.
43:06Do you want a coffee, Albert?
43:07- I'll have that brandy, shame wasting it.
43:14What do you want to talk about then?
43:17- Well first, I'd like to find out how
43:18my bottle of Courvoesire manages to pour itself.
43:22But that can wait, we've got
43:23more important things to discuss.
43:25I've just had a word with a mechanic
43:27from the Peckham Exhaust Center.
43:28Rodney took the van down there this morning.
43:30Now apparently there's a new receptionist working there
43:33by the name of Tania, and Rodney the dipstick
43:36has only asked her out on a date.
43:39- You're kidding!
43:40- I wish I was, Unc, I wish I was.
43:42I'm disgusted with him.
43:45- What's this Tania girl look like?
43:47- Well, I wouldn't say no.
43:50What I mean is, she's attractive enough and she's
43:52a nice enough girl, but that's not the point, is it?
43:54If Rodney gets seen with this Tania sort,
43:57then, well, it's going to break Cassandra's heart,
44:00and then Rodney's going to find himself with the sack.
44:03- Yeah, and Alan won't do any more
44:05of that cheap printing you flog to all your mates.
44:07- No.
44:08That has got absolutely nothing to do with it.
44:11- You says that was the only money
44:12we've got coming in to the flat.
44:14- Yeah, my only concern is for Cassandra
44:16and Rodney's future happiness.
44:20Mind you, that printing did
44:21bring in a few bob, I must admit.
44:25I've got to think of a way in which
44:26I can put Rodney off this bird.
44:29- So what are you telling me for?
44:32- I don't know, I was hoping you might come up with an idea.
44:35Then again, I was hoping that Millwall
44:36would win the UEFA Cup!
44:41Wait a minute.
44:43Wait a minute, I've got it, I've got an idea.
44:45Now listen to me.
44:47When Rodney tells us about this date with this bird, right,
44:51you and me have got to look absolutely horrified, see,
44:54as though it goes against the whole of
44:56the Trotter family's moral code.
44:58- He'll never fall for that.
45:00- Yes he will, he will, you don't know him like I do.
45:02He'll go for that hook, line, and ...
45:04(radio playing)
45:05That's him, that's him, that's him.
45:06He's coming.
45:07Now don't forget you've got to look horrified, right,
45:09as though you've seen a U-boat off the starboard bow.
45:17(Albert gasps)
45:18Not yet.
45:23- Del,
45:24what's the matter with him?
45:27- Ah, no, I don't know, he's been at the brandy, look.
45:30- Percolator's bubbling.
45:32Fancy a coffee, Rodney?
45:33- No, no thanks Raquel, I'm going out.
45:34(Albert gasps)
45:35- No!
45:36No.
45:42Where you going Rodney, anywhere nice?
45:43- Out to the pictures.
45:44- Oh, that's it Rodney, that's it.
45:46Your marriage is going down a swaney,
45:48and you bugger off to the flicks.
45:50Very good.
45:51- Why don't you just butt out, Del?
45:52- Alright, just as you like bruv, just as you like.
45:58Going on your own?
46:00- No, going with someone.
46:02(Albert gasps)
46:07- I'll whack you one in a minute, believe me!
46:12- Who're you taking, Cassandra?
46:14- No, not Cassandra.
46:16It's a girl.
46:17- A girl?
46:17- A girl!
46:22(Albert gasps)
46:23- A girl!
46:30- Why do you all keep repeating it?
46:32You sound like Jive Bunny.
46:36I met a girl called Tania, I've asked her to the pictures,
46:38what's wrong with that?
46:41- I don't believe I'm hearing this.
46:43I just absolutely don't.
46:44Do you, thank you, mind.
46:46Rodney, you are a happily married man!
46:50- Was a happily married man, Del.
46:52Then we left the registry office
46:54and the magic seemed to fade.
46:56A happily married man would be taking
46:57his wife to the pictures.
47:00- Well, well why don't you?
47:03- What?
47:04- Take Cassandra.
47:06Go on, give her a bell, she might like to go.
47:08- There won't be room in the van for Tania and Cassandra.
47:11- No, I mean, give Tania, will you shut up!
47:16- Ah, wouldn't work, Del.
47:17Even our taste in film's differed.
47:20Cassy used to like the heavy dramas and the foreign films,
47:23you know The Grapes of Wrath and Fellini classics,
47:26all that sort of stuff.
47:27- What are you going to see?
47:28- Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
47:31It weren't my choice, Tania wants to see it.
47:36- Tania.
47:37Tania.
47:39Ah, Tania, oh yes!
47:41Isn't the old bow wow down at the exhaust center.
47:44- Yeah, she said she,
47:45what do you mean bow wow?
47:46She's not a bow wow.
47:48- Do me a favor, Rodney, she's like a rottweiler with a wig.
47:52- Del, the Tania I'm talking about is very pretty.
47:55- You what?
47:57Have you clocked the hooter on it?
48:00I'll tell you what, me and Boicey had a bet once
48:03as to whether that was her real nose
48:05or if she'd had silicone injections.
48:08- Have you ever actually spoken to this person?
48:11- Yes, I said good morning to her once,
48:12but she didn't reply, she was too busy gnawing a bone.
48:17- I think what Rodney is trying to say, Derek,
48:18is that maybe, just maybe,
48:20this girl might have a nice personality.
48:23Has she?
48:24- No, not really.
48:26- What are you going out with her for?
48:28- Well, Rodney's heard about her reputation, hadn't he?
48:30- I don't care about, has she got a reputation?
48:33- She's lived with a few blokes.
48:35A darts team, I heard.
48:37- That is just the kind of old-fashioned
48:39chauvinistic attitude that keeps women
48:41second class citizens in this country.
48:43- Listen Raquel, Raquel, listen, I'm doing this on purpose.
48:45- Sometimes you can be such a sexist!
48:47- No.
48:48- You're not satisfied with tearing the poor girl
48:49to shreds because she doesn't look like Kim Bassinger.
48:52Oh no, you've got to do a character assassination
48:54because in the past she's done exactly the same as you.
48:57- Del's never lived with a darts team.
49:05- No listen, you don't understand, Raquel,
49:06see I'm doing it for a reason, I'll tell you later on.
49:09- It's all very well for young men
49:10to sow their wild oats, the more the merrier,
49:12shows they're red-blooded.
49:14But if a girl does the same thing, she's a slut.
49:16- No, that is where you're wrong, Raquel, you see,
49:18because nowadays men can't sow their wield oats either,
49:22'cause we've all seen the film for AIDS
49:23on the television, haven't we, eh?
49:26And that's my point, Rodney, you see?
49:28That is my point.
49:29Today you see, well women are very dodgy.
49:35- Women are dodgy?
49:37- No no, not you, sweetheart, it's the others, idn't it?
49:40- How dare you lay the blame for a worldwide epidemic
49:43at the feet of womankind.
49:45- Raquel, if feet were the problem,
49:47Dr. Scholl could find the cure.
49:49- I've never heard such stupid, pig-ignorant views as yours.
49:53- Oh, you get him on politics, Raquel, it'll blow your mind.
49:57- What did you say?
49:59- Derek, for your information, there is rather
50:01an ugly rumor going around.
50:02- Oh is there?
50:03Well, introduce it to Rodney, he'll take it to the pictures.
50:06- The rumor is that man is the guilty party.
50:10- Ah, no, see that, sorry, sorry,
50:12but that is where you are wrong, Raquel, you see.
50:15'Cause on that commercial on the telly,
50:16this bloke walks into the disco, don't he?
50:18He walks in and this bird comes up to him--
50:19- Oh to hell with the telly.
50:21Let's get one thing clear, Derek,
50:22women played no part in the creation of this plague.
50:25AIDS is like nylon, manmade.
50:30(door slams)
50:33- You've upset her now!
50:36- I?
50:37That's, right, that is it.
50:38I'm out of here.
50:40- Wait a, Rodney, come here a minute,
50:41come on, just a minute.
50:44Look, look.
50:45One little row and you think your marriage is breaking up.
50:48Well, it ain't, bruv, it ain't.
50:51You can soon rekindle the old flame of passion.
50:55All you got to do is take her a bottle of champaign,
50:56nice bunch of flower, you know.
50:59- A bit corny, idn't it?
51:00- That's what I'd do.
51:01- She's got her evening school tonight anyway, don't she?
51:04- You never know, she might cancel it for you.
51:06- God, you must be joking.
51:08Nothing gets in the way of her
51:09and her stupid, rotten career.
51:12Trying to rekindle the flame in my marriage
51:14is like giving the kiss of life to a rasher of bacon.
51:19- Oh come on Rodney, eh, remember?
51:23He who dares, wins.
51:26Listen to me, all you got to do is you go round there,
51:28and you apologize to her.
51:29You just say you're sorry,
51:31and then she will say she's sorry to you.
51:34Before you know where you are, you made it up,
51:36more in love than you ever were before.
51:39And you might get a little bit.
51:43Everyone's a winner, tete de veau.
51:47- You might get a little bit?
51:50Good God, it's like living with a Big Mac.
51:53- Just for that, oi, thank you very much,
51:55just for that, you cannot take my van.
51:57- Well, stuff your van, I will bus it.
51:59- Good.
52:00(door slams shut)
52:02This is the thanks I get, ain't it, eh?
52:12Raquel, fancy going down to Nag's Head for a few drinks?
52:16-[Raquel] With a creep like you?
52:18- Yeah.
52:18-[Raquel] No, thank you very much.
52:19- Thank you.
52:24Life, idn't it, eh?
52:25What a life.
52:28Hey, just a minute.
52:29You know that film he was talking about, what is it,
52:32Honey I Shrunk the Kids,
52:34what cinema is that on at?
52:37- It's the ABC in the high street.
52:39- Exactly.
52:40And what's next door to that cinema?
52:44Cassandra's evening school,
52:46and tonight is the night that she goes.
52:48- But she might see Rodney
52:49and this Tania girl queuing outside.
52:51- Exactly, that's the whole point of it, idn't it?
52:54That dippy Rodney is only trying
52:55to make Cassandra jealous, idn't he?
52:58He's taking the advice of that, that Mickey Pearce.
53:01Mickey Pearce.
53:03He's had about as much success with women
53:05as you've had with boats.
53:07No, I've got to go round to Cassandra's,
53:09and I've got to try to persuade her
53:11not to got to the evening school.
53:13Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's the answer.
53:15I'll see you later, Unc.
53:16See you later, alright.
53:20-[Raquel] Del?
53:21- Yeah, what is it, sweetheart?
53:23- I'm sorry.
53:28- Yes, good, so am I, so am I, darling.
53:32- Can we, can we, you know, talk.
53:35- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I will.
53:37I'll be um, I'll be as quick as I can.
53:40- Well, you don't have to be.
53:41- Hmm?
53:43No no no, what I mean is, I just,
53:45I just got to pop out for a minute.
53:47- Yeah, but I wanted to, you know, talk.
53:48- Yeah, I know, no, I mean, I know,
53:51but see the thing is that this is very, very important, see.
53:54- Oh, well, please yourself.
53:56- No, look, Raquel.
53:57Look, all I was going.
53:58(door slams)
54:02Oh, hell, what a night.
54:04- Rodney's really upset her, idn't he?
54:40(intercom buzzes)
54:44-[Cassandra] Hello?
54:45- Yeah, uh, Cassandra?
54:46It's Del Boy.
54:47-[Cassandra] Hi Del, pull the door.
54:55(quiet music playing on stereo)
55:02- Cooee.
55:03Here I am.
55:04Ah, over here.
55:06Hello, sweetheart.
55:08I was just passing, thought I'd pop in, see how you were.
55:10- I'm fine.
55:11- Oh, good.
55:12- How are you?
55:12- Couldn't be better, couldn't be better.
55:14Uh, bit choked here about you and Rodney, though.
55:17- Yeah, well, it's just one of those things, eh?
55:19- Yeah, it's just one of them things, idn't it.
55:21Off to the evening classes again, are you?
55:22- Yeah, it's my final exams in three weeks.
55:24- Oh, cool, cushty.
55:27-[Cassandra] How's Rodney?
55:28- Oh uh, bearing up, you know.
55:32- The police found his bike yet?
55:33- No, not yet.
55:34He's toying with the idea of getting another one.
55:37- Where is he tonight?
55:38- Oh, you know, he's just popped out earlier.
55:41- Oh well, I hope he has a good time.
55:43I mean, that's what he wants from life, isn't it?
55:46- Cassandra, I know what he really wants,
55:48and deep down in your heart of hearts,
55:50I think you do as well.
55:52- Yeah, well, he's only got to swallow
55:54his stupid pride and ask.
55:55- Yes, I know, I have tried to talk to him but
55:58I just can't get through to him, though.
56:00It's like my dear old mum used to say.
56:03There's none so blind as them as what won't listen.
56:07- Very true.
56:09- Listen, listen, listen.
56:11Can't you two make it up somehow?
56:14- Oh, it's impossible, Del.
56:16Rodney won't budge an inch in any given subject.
56:18He just fights me all the way.
56:20He doesn't like going to the bank social evenings,
56:22he gets bored with my friends and he shows it.
56:25The other week I invited some colleagues around.
56:27I cooked a lovely meal.
56:29I really tried hard, Del.
56:30- No, well, you're a smashing cook, Cassandra.
56:33I remember that moules marinieres you made for us last year.
56:37I can still taste it now.
56:40- Anyway, one hour after we'd finished eating,
56:42Rodney decided it was time they all went home,
56:45so he started giving them subtle little hints
56:47like yawning and checking his watch every three minutes.
56:50Finally he started whistling the national anthem.
56:54- Well, Rodney never was one for staying up late.
56:56- This was Sunday lunch.
57:00Rodney's idea of socializing is a night out
57:02the pub with his mates.
57:04What idiot wants to spend their evenings
57:06down the Nag's Head?
57:08- Yeah, what idiot?
57:11- Rodney is so immature.
57:12It's never going to work between us
57:14until he learns to grow up.
57:15- You sure it's only him?
57:17- I'm not behaving childishly,
57:18if that's what you're suggesting.
57:19- Oh, I know, but you haven't phoned him though, have you?
57:20- I'm not phoning him first, he started it.
57:23- Must have taken years of experience
57:25to come to that decision.
57:27Those are nice earrings, aren't they, Cassandra?
57:29- They're lovely, aren't they?
57:31Rodney gave them to me for my birthday.
57:33- They're very little, aren't they?
57:35- That's what I like about them.
57:37I don't want a pair of chandeliers hanging from my ears.
57:39These are perfect.
57:41- Perfect.
57:42But Rodney said--
57:44-[Cassandra] Rodney said what?
57:45- No, nothing, nothing, nothing at all, just forget it.
57:48I don't believe these two.
57:51I get more sense out of a crossed line with the Krankies.
57:56Ah, listen, I'll tell you what.
57:59Cassandra, I'll tell you what.
58:00Don't go to evening classes tonight.
58:02I tell you, why don't you come out
58:03for a meal with me and Raquel?
58:06Your dad's told us about this great Chinese place.
58:08They doing a blinding won ton, by all accounts.
58:11- Maybe some other time, I really must go tonight.
58:14- Alright then, okay, okay, I'll tell you what then,
58:16I'll give you a lift.
58:17Let me give you a lift, and I'll drop you
58:18right outside the door.
58:19- It's only 50 yards from the car park.
58:21- Yes, I know, but you don't want to walk past
58:22that cinema queue, do ya?
58:23- Why not?
58:24- Well, you know, 'cause it'll be full of
58:26yobs and all that, won't it, eh?
58:29Look, come here, just a minute, just before you go.
58:32Just give me a minute, I want to ask you something.
58:33Sit down there, alright?
58:36Listen, have you ever had, like a nightmare,
58:40that Rodney had been out with another girl?
58:42- No.
58:43- Well, I have.
58:45Um, just for argument's sake, tell me,
58:49what would your reaction be if like you did?
58:54- What, Rodney with another girl?
58:55- Hmm.
58:57- That wouldn't bother me.
58:58- Oh, good, 'cause Rodney's taken another bird
59:00to the pictures tonight.
59:02- He's done what?
59:05No, Rodney wouldn't do that.
59:07- Yes, yes he would, oh yeah.
59:10He's done it to make you jealous, you see.
59:12What he was hoping for, he was hoping that
59:15you would see him and this Tania bird
59:17standing in the cinema queue.
59:18And I said, Cassandra's far too intelligent--
59:20- Who the hell's Tania?
59:24- Tania, well, she's the girl from the--
59:26- It was just a silly disagreement, that's all!
59:29- I thought you said it wouldn't bother you.
59:30- It doesn't.
59:32The bastard.
59:34I love him!
59:35- Well, he loves you, too.
59:37- Oh, it looks like it.
59:39We only had a row about badminton,
59:40and he started an affair with another woman!
59:42- No he hasn't, he's only take some tart out
59:44to see Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
59:46- But I wanted to see that!
59:48- Oh God.
59:54Here you are.
60:01(Cassandra crying)
60:04Well, you're taking this very well, Cassandra.
60:07- Thanks for telling me, Del.
60:09- Yeah, well, alright, I couldn't very well,
60:12couldn't very well see you walk into an ambush, could I?
60:15Rodney's only doing this, it's only his silly way
60:17of trying to get you back.
60:18- Get me back for what?
60:20- No no no, not get you back for something,
60:22get you back with him.
60:23- But I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still here.
60:26- I know, I know you have, sweetheart,
60:28I know you are, I know you are.
60:30Listen, I'll tell you what.
60:32Look, forget it, don't go to evening classes tonight, eh?
60:36- No, I'll go round to my friend Emma's house.
60:39- Yeah, that's a good idea.
60:41Keep this just between ourselves, eh?
60:43We won't tell the neighbors or your dad about it, will we?
60:47- No.
60:48- Good girl, you know it makes sense.
60:53What time will you be back?
60:54- I don't know.
60:55Late, why?
60:56- Well, it's just that I'll get Raquel to give you a ring,
60:59you know, to cheer you up a bit.
61:01Yeah, 'cause her marriage broke up and.
61:03(Cassandra wails)
61:06No, what I mean is, no, she'll understand
61:09what you are going through, that's all I meant.
61:12Yeah.
61:14You alright, sweetheart?
61:14- Yeah.
61:15- Okay.
61:16Listen, I've got to be away.
61:18Alright, I'll talk to you later.
61:19- Okay, and, and thanks, Del.
61:21- It's alright, sweetie, alright?
61:29(Cassandra screaming and crying)
61:38You won't do anything silly, will ya?
61:41- No, I'm fine!
61:45- Lovely jubbly.
61:54- I didn't know what you were doing.
61:56(doll singing lullaby in Korean)
62:09- Korean rubbish.
62:10Wish I'd never put those
62:11made in Britain stickers on them now.
62:13Sorry, what did you say, sweetheart?
62:15- Earlier this evening, when you were saying
62:16all those horrible things about women,
62:18I didn't realize you were trying to
62:19frighten Rodney out of his date.
62:21- Yeah, but it didn't work though, did it?
62:23- I couldn't see Rodney being unfaithful, could you?
62:25- No.
62:26- He's not that stupid, is he?
62:27- Oh, yeah, he's stupid enough,
62:29it's just that he never has any success with birds.
62:31I mean, that bloke has been blown out
62:32more times than a windsock.
62:35- During the war--
62:36- Oh God, look at the time, oh dear.
62:38- Midnight already.
62:38- A crewmate of mine, Sky Piggott,
62:41died of a sexually related condition.
62:47- Oh yeah?
62:48- Yeah.
62:49His girlfriend's husband shot him!
62:51(Albert laughs)
62:54(phone ringing)
62:56- Wish somebody'd shot you.
63:00Yes.
63:01Yes, yes, yes, Trotter's Independent Traders, hello.
63:04- Del, it's me.
63:04- Oh, you is it, Rodney?
63:06And what do you want?
63:08-[Rodney] I've been thinking.
63:09- Oh, have you?
63:10Hang about, I'll call a press conference
63:11for tomorrow morning.
63:14- No, Del, listen, I ain't been drinking.
63:16See?
63:19-[Del] Are you sure?
63:20-[Rodney] Yeah.
63:21- Ah, no, you haven't, alright, go on then.
63:23-[Rodney] I've been doing a bit of growing up.
63:24- Yeah?
63:25-[Rodney] I've realized that
63:26you were right, and I was wrong.
63:28- Well there you are, you see?
63:29I knew I was right, I told you I was right,
63:31but you wouldn't listen, would you, eh?
63:33- No, I did listen.
63:34I bought some champaign and roses for Cassy.
63:37-[Del] Oh that's a bit, that's a bit corny, isn't it, eh?
63:39And a bit late.
63:40You should have thought of that
63:41before you took this Tania bird to the,
63:43to the pictures.
63:44You can't turn the clock back, Rodney.
63:46- No, I didn't take Tania out.
63:48- Look, it doesn't matter where you took her, you see.
63:51You didn't take Tania out?
63:53- No.
63:55Well, I thought of all the things you said, so,
63:57I phoned her and I told her I was a married man,
64:00told her I was still very much in love with my wife.
64:03Does that sound a bit yukky?
64:05- Yes.
64:08Yes Rodney, that sounds absolutely horrible.
64:12- And then I though, well, why am I saying
64:13all this to a total stranger,
64:14I should be telling me wife.
64:16So that's what I'm going to do.
64:18- Yes, that's terrific, that's terrific, Rodney,
64:20that's terrific but uh, listen, just one thing.
64:22Don't go back to the flat, alright?
64:25'Cause Cassandra isn't in, you see?
64:27- No, no, I'm back at the flat now.
64:29I'll just wait for her, you know.
64:32Who's hurrying, you know?
64:33- He's back at the flat.
64:35You're back at the flat now, are you?
64:37Well, uh, listen Rodney, listen,
64:39I've got to tell you something.
64:40- Oh no, you've done enough for me for one day, Del.
64:43- No, no listen Rodney, I've got to say something to ya.
64:46-[Rodney] There's something I want to say to you, Del.
64:48- Yeah?
64:48What is it?
64:51- I love you, Del Boy.
64:56- You dipstick!
65:03- What's happened?
65:04- Rodney, it's Rodney.
65:05He's only gone back to his flat, ain't he eh?
65:07- That's good, isn't it?
65:08- No, it isn't good, Raquel.
65:09It is very, very ungood.
65:12Oh damn, I can't get through,
65:14he must have taken the phone off the hook.
65:17- Perhaps the line's engaged.
65:19- The only thing that's engaged is Rodney's hormones!
65:22- I can't understand this.
65:23You've been telling Rodney to go back to Cassandra for ages.
65:26- Yes, I know that, that was before
65:28he took Tania to see Honey I Shrunk the bloody Kids!
65:31- But you just said Rodney didn't take Tania out.
65:33- Yes!
65:34He didn't!
65:36But you see, Cassandra, she thinks he did.
65:38- What makes her think that?
65:44- I don't know, do I?
65:47Somebody must have told her, I suppose.
65:50- Oh Del, you didn't.
65:53- I couldn't help it.
65:55I was only doing it for her.
65:57I couldn't see the poor little mare
65:59walk past the cinema queue and see
66:00her husband groping Miss Quick Fit, could I?
66:05I didn't want to see Cassandra hurt.
66:08I mean, she's family, idn't she?
66:11Oh God.
66:12I'm gonna go round there, round over to their flat
66:14and see if I can catch Cassandra, and say to her
66:17that I made a mistake, and do it before
66:21she sets eyes on that, that,
66:23that wally!
66:26- Why does he have to interfere?
66:29- Just his nature.
66:31Still, proves his heart's in the right place.
66:34- Hmm.
66:36Pity about his brain.
66:39- Yeah.
66:42("Did I Happen to Mention" playing on stereo)
67:07- Cass.
67:14I've come home.
67:16- You!
67:18-[Rodney] Cassandra, will you just
67:19give me a minute to explain?
67:21-[Cassandra] Get out of here, Rodney.
67:22Go to bloody Tania's or whatever her name is.
67:25-[Rodney] Tania?
67:25I don't know anyone called Tania.
67:28Is it a man or a woman?
67:29-[Cassandra] Oh, don't try to deny it, Rodney.
67:31Del told me all about the two of you.
67:32-[Rodney] Well, he was lying!
67:34-[Cassandra] She works--
67:35- Lovely evening, idn't it?
67:39-[Cassandra] Stuff the roses.
67:40(glass breaking)
67:41-[Rodney] Cass, if you would just calm down
67:43for one minute, you'd realize this has
67:44all been a big mistake.
67:45-[Cassandra] Our marriage was a big mistake.
67:47-[Rodney] Cass, we've always said
67:48if we had a problem, we would sit down and--
67:50-[Cassandra] Oh, just bugger off.
67:54- Cass!
67:57- She's back, then?
68:00- Alright Del, why did you tell her?
68:03- I had to, Rodney, to save her from any pain.
68:05- What about me?
68:06She's just whacked me in the shin with a badminton racket!
68:09- Don't you raise your voice at--
68:10- It's gone midnight.
68:11- Well, go back to bed then!
68:14(indinstict)
68:23Alright, alright.
68:25Just calm yourself down, just calm yourself down, alright?
68:27- You!
68:28You of all people grassed me up.
68:31And you grassed me up for something I didn't even do!
68:34- Have you any idea what Cassandra's reaction
68:36would have been if she'd seen you with that Tania soul?
68:39- Yes, she's just given me a bloody good example of it!
68:43I wasn't going to take Tania out.
68:46I changed me mind before I got to the bottom of the lift.
68:48I just made a stupid threat out of anger and frustration.
68:53- You said--
68:54- I know what I said!
68:57But there's a world of difference
68:58between saying and doing, isn't there?
69:00If I'd gone to the police every time you said
69:02you were going to kill me, you'd still be
69:03slopping out in Parkhurst.
69:06Well, thanks to you, my wife now thinks
69:08I'm having a passionate affair
69:09with the siren of the exhaust center,
69:11and you've offended my neighbors!
69:13-[Woman] People are trying to sleep.
69:15- Shut up!
69:17- Calm down, just calm down, alright?
69:22Alright, fair enough.
69:26I'm sorry.
69:29- Sorry?
69:30- Yes.
69:33I'm sorry.
69:38Look, is there anything I can do to help?
69:41- Yes, piss off!
69:45- You just listen to me, you ungrateful little dipstick.
69:48I struggled over here in the middle of the night
69:49just to help you, and I was on a promise!
69:53- You listen to me.
69:55I don't want your help.
69:57I don't want your favors, your assistance, or your advice.
70:01I don't want nothing off you for the rest of my life.
70:07- I was only trying to do the best
70:10for Cassandra and you.
70:12- Yeah, and to make sure you got all that
70:14printing done on the cheap.
70:19- You don't really believe that, do you, Rodney?
70:24- Probably not.
70:29See you.
70:51Del.
70:56- What?
70:58- I've locked myself out.
71:01- Done what?
71:02- I've left me key upstairs.
71:03- Well, press the buzzer on the intercom
71:05and tell Cassandra.
71:06- She won't let me in.
71:08- No, it know, but it might cheer her up a bit.
71:15- This whole thing hasn't gone quite as well as I'd like.
71:19- Yeah, well,
71:22well that's jealousy for you, bruv.
71:26Very dangerous thing.
71:30- We've nosed this right up, haven't we?
71:33- So what's new?
71:38- What am I going to do, Del?
71:50- Come on, Rodney.
71:52Come on.
71:54Let's go home.
71:56("Somebody Who Loves You" by Joan Armatrading)
71:57♫ I don't know what you're thinking
72:02♫ Should I stay or say goodbye
72:09♫ You blow smoke on the ceiling
72:15♫ You don't wanna look into my eyes
72:20♫ You've got somebody who loves you
72:25♫ But now I wanna see you fan the fire
72:33♫ Wrap the sheets around you
72:35♫ With me hugged up inside
72:39♫ I wanna see you fan the fire
72:44♫ Come on stoke the blaze
72:46♫ And don't run for cover
72:52♫ You've got somebody who loves you
72:55♫ Somebody loves you
73:08♫ I wanna see you fan the fire
73:14♫ Come on stoke the blaze and don't run for cover
73:19♫ Mistakes and shyness can be costly