Only Fools and Horses S00E10 — Rodney Come Home

Every line from “Rodney Come Home” (1668 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00("Only Fools and Horses")
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la la, la la la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la, la la la la la
00:40♫ La la la la
00:42-[Albert] I wish Rodney was still working with ya.
00:44-[Del] So do I.
00:45-[Albert] Your suitcase is giving me backache.
00:46-[Del] And your moanings are give me heartache.
00:49- I fought for this country.
00:51- Did ya?
00:52How did you get on?
00:55- Well, what are we waiting for?
00:59- I'll tell you what we are waiting for.
01:01The security people, they change shifts,
01:03don't they, at 12 o'clock, and the new lot
01:05always start on the bottom floor,
01:07which gives us a chance to flog
01:08up here on the top floor, don't it?
01:10Right, come on, pick it up, chop chop, off we go.
01:13- What have you got in this suitcase then, hooky gear?
01:16- Hooky?
01:17How dare you!
01:19I don't deal in stuff like that.
01:21Well, not since I met Raquel.
01:23I wouldn't get her involved in anything like that.
01:27- So what you worried about?
01:29- I'll tell you what I am worried about,
01:31I'm an unlicensed trader, ain't I, eh?
01:35Many, many moons ago, a local magistrate and I
01:38had a sort of misunderstanding,
01:41and he took the law in his own hands,
01:43and banned every council in London
01:45from issuing me with a trader's license,
01:47so now I got to flog where and when I can.
01:49- Well, could I go and get something to eat?
01:52- No you cannot!
01:54You're going to be my lookout!
01:55Anyway, Raquel's making us something to eat
01:57later when we get home.
01:58- But I'm hungry now!
02:01- Oh, goll Bennie.
02:03Alright, here you go.
02:05Go and get us a couple of hamburgers, will ya?
02:07- What?
02:08No thank you.
02:09I'm taking no chances.
02:11Say I caught mad cow disease?
02:14- There's no worry about that.
02:15Who the hell is going to notice?
02:40(intercom buzzes)
02:45(intercom buzzes repeatedly)
02:49(music playing on headphones)
02:53- Michelle.
02:58Michelle.
03:03(music stops)
03:06Are you going to the hamburger bar in the precinct
03:08during your lunch hour?
03:09- No.
03:13- Michelle, you're new here and I don't think
03:14you've fully got the gist of my question.
03:17You see, I am the head of the computer section
03:21and you are the secretary to
03:23the head of the computer section.
03:25So when the head of the computer section
03:26asks the secretary to the head of the computer section
03:29whether she's going to the hamburger bar in the precinct,
03:32what the head of the computer section is saying,
03:35is go to the hamburger bar in the precinct
03:37during your lunch hour because the head
03:39of the computer section is starving bloody hungry!
03:43- You want me to go to the hamburger bar?
03:45- Yes, if it's not too much trouble.
03:48I fancy the juiciest, greasiest hamburger
03:50they've got on offer.
03:52- Mr. Coleman from Classic Curtains
03:53is coming in to see you in a little while.
03:55- Yes, I know, that is why I cannot get out
03:57during the lunch hour and I need food bringing in.
04:00- No, what I'm trying to say is,
04:02do you want to invite Mr. Coleman, an important client,
04:05into an office that stinks to high heaven
04:08of fried onions and grease?
04:10- Michelle, my office ...
04:14It ...
04:18Thanks very much, Michelle.
04:21Do carry on with whatever you're doing.
04:24They look very nice.
04:26They'd make Freddie Kruger dead jealous.
04:35Raquel!
04:38How you doing?
04:39- Hi, Rodney.
04:40- Fancy a coffee?
04:42- I've got to get this stuff home.
04:44- Well, come in, I'll get one of the driver
04:45to give you a lift.
04:46- You sure?
04:47- Yeah, of course, I'll get a kettle on.
04:53She's got bags of food.
04:56I'll mug her.
05:01- You ready then?
05:02- No no no no no no no, no.
05:06Selling is all about timing, idn't it?
05:09Haven't you seen one of those nature programs,
05:11you know, on the BBC, with that Richard Attenborough,
05:13you know the one where you see the lion
05:15lying in the undergrowth, watching as
05:17a flock of antelope go by.
05:20Well,
05:22they,
05:25they are my antelope.
05:28And like the lion, I know when the time is right.
05:32I instinctively know the optimum moment
05:35in which to make my move,
05:37and then and only then
05:39will I strike.
05:42- Yeah.
05:44During the war--
05:45- Here we go, then.
05:49You'd better get in your lookout position.
05:51Over there, alright?
05:53- So what do you want me to do?
05:54- What do you mean, what do I want you to do?
05:57You're a lookout, ain't ya, so you know,
05:59you look out, don't ya?
06:00- I meant, if I see the security blokes coming,
06:03what should I say?
06:05- I don't particularly mind what you say.
06:07You can say "thar she blows," "ship ahoy,"
06:10or "man overboard" for all I care.
06:14As long as I don't get me collar felt.
06:17Stun me, this hands on management lot
06:19give me the right hump sometimes.
06:22Let's have that up here, that's it.
06:25Should do alright with this stuff.
06:27They'll be falling over themselves
06:28to get at this top quality gear.
06:34- Yeah, thanks a lot.
06:36Well, give us about 10 minutes,
06:37'cause she's just finishing her coffee, alright?
06:39Cheers.
06:41Your van awaits.
06:42- Oh, thanks.
06:43- So, are you and Del still coming around
06:44for dinner next week?
06:45- So long as it's still alright with you and Casandra.
06:47- Yeah, been looking forward to it.
06:49Sorry it's taken so long to invite you.
06:51We was going to pop round and say hello, you know,
06:53'cause Del said you was back in town and living with,
06:56living um,
06:58staying at the flat with him and Albert.
07:02So, when'd you get back?
07:03- Couple weeks ago.
07:05I was over in America having a great time
07:06when I suddenly thought--
07:07- Hold on, you was in America?
07:10-[Raquel] Didn't I say?
07:11- No.
07:12- Oh, it was wonderful.
07:13We were doing this tour of My Fair Lady down the east coast.
07:17I was a flower seller.
07:18- Cosmic.
07:21- Very cheap and cheerful,
07:22but I've seen the world and getting paid.
07:24We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans.
07:29Then suddenly I got this sort of urge to come home.
07:32- To Del?
07:33- Yes, to Del.
07:35- I wouldn't come home from New Orleans to see Del.
07:38I wouldn't come home from the New Forest to see Del.
07:42- You don't see him the way I do.
07:44He's lovely.
07:45- Well, there are many words I could use
07:47to describe Derek Trotter, but lovely is not one of those.
07:51So how's the old sod keeping?
07:53- He's fine.
07:55He seems,
07:56I don't know, quieter, than when I first met him.
07:59- Del?
08:01Raquel, some years ago, Del went to a monastery
08:03and took a vow of loudness.
08:07- Oh, that's not fair!
08:09He has changed.
08:11Not so loud and brash as he used to be.
08:15- Alright, come on in, gather round,
08:16gather round, ladies and gents.
08:17The crusader against inflation
08:19with another bargain of a lifetime.
08:22Now this magnificent old doll here,
08:24that would probably cost you 35 pounds
08:26up there in Oxford Street.
08:29But you know my motto, my motto is,
08:31West End good at South End prices.
08:36If I offered you this little doll here
08:38for 10 pounds, you'd probably rip my arm off
08:41at the elbow to get at it, wouldn't ya?
08:44But I'll tell you what I'm going to do,
08:45because I'm in a festive mood,
08:47I'm going to let you have this doll
08:48at rock bottom bargain price.
08:50Now I'm not going to ask you for 10 quid,
08:53I'm not ask you for eight quid,
08:55what I'm going to ask you for
08:56is seven pound 50, seven pound 50, here it goes,
08:59first come, first served, I haven't got many.
09:00Come on, come on, quick quick, don't (indistinct).
09:04What is the matter with you people?
09:05What is the matter, don't you see
09:06a bargain when you see one?
09:07This is not your foreign rubbish, you know.
09:09This is hand made in Great Britain.
09:13The British toy industry reckon this is the most
09:15lifelike doll they've ever seen in their life,
09:17and I'll prove it to you, look at this.
09:19Look at this, here it is, a genuine little baby bottle.
09:22You can feed her from the bottle.
09:25She wets herself.
09:26She laughs, she cries.
09:28And if you keep her til she's 13,
09:30she breaks out in acne and wants to go a Bros concert!
09:34Would I lie, would I lie to you?
09:37I'll show you something else, another little feature
09:39of this wonderful toy.
09:41She will even sing a little lullaby
09:43to put herself to sleep, just listen to this.
09:46(doll singing in Korean)
09:55- He's having a lot of trouble
09:56with the exhaust pipe on the van.
09:58It's got a hole in it.
09:59- Oh, now that's a shame,
10:00'cause the exhaust's the only decent thing on it.
10:08- So, how are things with you and Cassandra.
10:12- What do you mean?
10:13- I mean, are you both well?
10:14- Yeah, yeah, great.
10:17- Cassandra's still studying hard for promotion?
10:20- Yes.
10:22Yes, she's still a very ambitious lady.
10:24- So, married life suits you.
10:28- Yeah.
10:32Come on then, what's Del been saying?
10:35- He hasn't said anything, honest.
10:38Alright, he mentioned that you'd had a couple of rows.
10:42Once when you upset Cassandra's boss and his wife?
10:45- Oh, that was nothing.
10:47It was a misunderstanding.
10:48Three minutes after it happened,
10:50we was all laughing about it.
10:51- Del said she chucked you out.
10:54- Only for a couple of days.
10:57- Then another time Cassandra went back to her parents?
11:00- That was nothing either.
11:02Really.
11:04We're happy.
11:05- That's what I wanted to say to you.
11:07I know it's none of my business, Rodney, it's just,
11:11I have had a marriage break up.
11:14I know how these things can start.
11:16Lot of people think a marriage comes complete
11:18with gift wrapping.
11:20It doesn't.
11:23Comes in kit form.
11:24You've got to work at it.
11:27- Uh, excuse me, Rodney.
11:29I've just noticed we're doing
11:30more of this cheap printing for Del.
11:32We're not running a charity organization.
11:35Excuse me.
11:36- Oh, no, Alan, let me introduce you.
11:38Uh, Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father-in-law,
11:41'cause he's Cassy's dad.
11:44- Yeah, I figured that one out, Rodney.
11:46- Yeah, sorry.
11:47- And Alan, this is Raquel.
11:48Her and Del live,
11:50her and Del are friends.
11:54- Yeah, Del's told me all about you.
11:55You're uh, you're an actress, aren't you?
11:57- Well, some people say that, others tell the truth.
11:59- Oh, come on now, Del speaks very highly of your talent.
12:02We'll have to go out for dinner one evening, all of us.
12:04- Look forward to it.
12:05- Look uh, I've got to dash because
12:07I'm meeting someone for lunch.
12:08We're going to try that new Chinese place
12:10down by the Arches, they say the food is out of this world.
12:13- Good.
12:15- Uh, just try to keep a closer eye on things, Rodney.
12:18This cheap printing is very good for some people.
12:20Unfortunately, it's not for us.
12:23See you again, Raquel.
12:23- Yes, bye.
12:29I'd better be going, too.
12:34Why don't you pop in on your way home
12:36from work this evening, Del hasn't seen you for ages.
12:42I'm doing roast chicken, jacket potatoes, all the trimmings.
12:49There's be plenty there if you're peckish.
12:52- No, I'd better take a rain check on it.
12:54'Cause I've got my route and timing figured out
12:56to avoid the traffic on the one-way system,
12:58so some other time, eh?
13:00Well, driver's waiting for you out there.
13:02- Okay.
13:05Give my love to Cassy.
13:07- Yeah.
13:07- Bye.
13:12- Roast chicken and all the trimmings.
13:37- It's Mr. Coleman from.
13:44- Hello.
13:47("Let Me Be" by Feargal Sharkey playing on stereo)
13:50(music stops)
13:52(door closes)
13:53-[Rodney] Hi!
13:54- Hi.
13:58You're late this evening.
13:59- Yeah.
14:00Yeah, I got stuck in a traffic jam on the one-way system.
14:03Got to say, smells good.
14:05I'm starving.
14:06-[Cassandra] I just did myself one of those
14:07ready-made meals in the microwave.
14:12- Well, I'm starving.
14:18-[Cassandra] There's plenty in the freezer.
14:20- Good.
14:23What a very clean oven we've got.
14:26-[Cassandra] Sorry?
14:26- Ah, I was just remarking how amazingly clean
14:28one can keep these new modern ovens.
14:31Especially when one never bloody cooks in them.
14:38What, are you going out?
14:39- Yeah.
14:40- Oh.
14:41Well, that'll make a nice change, won't it?
14:43What is it tonight, the bank's final exams?
14:46The bank's annual cheese and wine orgy?
14:50The bank's annual yoga and target practice course?
14:53- I'm playing badminton.
14:55- Oh, I see.
14:56Where?
14:57- The bank's sports club.
15:00- Well, you go and enjoy yourself, Cass.
15:03I've got a busy evening planned as well.
15:05I'm going to sit in and read the bank's pamphlet
15:07on our joint pension policy.
15:09- Oh God, here we go again.
15:10Alright, what's wrong this time?
15:12- What, with me?
15:13What could possibly be wrong with me?
15:15- You don't stop being so childish,
15:16I swear one of these days
15:17I'll smother you with your comfort blanket.
15:19- Me, childish?
15:21You're the one who's got a bit
15:22of growing up to do, Cassandra.
15:26When are you going to realize you've got a marriage?
15:28You've got a home?
15:30You've got me?
15:30- I never forget that, Roddy.
15:32- I never see you.
15:34You just use this flat like a base camp.
15:36You zoom in and out of here like a bluebottle with the runs.
15:40I've have double glazing salesmen
15:42spend more time in here than you.
15:44- Well, whatever turns you on.
15:46- You know, I mean, how am I supposed,
15:48what's that supposed to mean?
15:50- Look Rodney, I like to keep myself busy.
15:52- Yeah, but you're always out.
15:54On your own.
15:55- Because you never want to go anywhere with me.
15:57I've asked you before to come to badminton,
15:59but you always refused.
16:01- Well, that's because I don't relish the idea
16:02of spending the entire evening
16:03whacking a dead budgie over a net.
16:07Besides which, all our social occasions
16:09are in some way or another tied to the bank.
16:13- You resent me pursuing a career, don't you?
16:15- No, I admire anyone who wants to advance themselves.
16:19But your idea of advancement comes straight out
16:21of Rommel's A Thousand and One Things
16:23Every Good Panzer General Should Know.
16:26It's relentless, Cass, you know, it's Blitzkrieg.
16:29- Rodney, I'm not trying to advance my career.
16:31I'm still trying to make up for lost ground.
16:33You of all people should understand that.
16:37- I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra?
16:41And what it is exactly I'm supposed to have done?
16:43- It's just little things,
16:45like that day my boss Stephen and his wife
16:47came round and you punched him in the face.
16:49- Oh, we're still on about that, are we?
16:52- You broke his nose!
16:54- Broke it, I never broke it.
16:58Tiny hairline fracture, that was all.
17:01Anyway, it was long time ago and I have apologized
17:04a thousand times for it.
17:06- I know you have, and I'm perfectly willing
17:08to be understanding, as long as you are.
17:11- Look Cass, how can I put this?
17:13It sounds like a ridiculous thing
17:14for a husband to have to say to his wife,
17:16but I would like to see more of you.
17:18The only time we're really together
17:20is when we're lying in bed.
17:21- With our backs to each other.
17:23- Yeah, well that's only 'cause you turned your back on me.
17:25- Well, you started it.
17:26- I did not!
17:28And why is it, whenever we have a dinner party,
17:30we have to invite your family and your friends?
17:32- We invite your friends as well!
17:34- You name me one occasion, just one,
17:36where I've had my mates round here.
17:38- Last month, Mickey Pearce and Jevon
17:39and their girlfriends came round for the evening.
17:41- I've apologized for that.
17:44- And next week you've invited your brother
17:46and Raquel round for dinner.
17:47- I've apologized for that as well.
17:50Look, Cass, we always said if we had a problem
17:52with our marriage, we would sit down and discuss it
17:54in a mature and adult way.
17:56- Fine, let's sit down and discuss it
17:58in a mature and adult way.
18:03- Well, are you going to start?
18:05- No, you carry on.
18:06- No, please, I'd like to hear what you have to say.
18:08- You started it, Roddy, so you go.
18:10- I didn't start anything.
18:12- Well, you're the one who came home in a mood.
18:14- I only had a mood when I come home and realized
18:15there was nothing for me to eat, again.
18:18- Oh, I see.
18:19That's what this is really all about.
18:21I'm supposed to be the little wife
18:22who has the dinner on the table,
18:24waiting for Roddy to come back from the time warp.
18:26This is not 1933, and the sooner you realize that,
18:29the sooner you'll stop being so bloody childish.
18:32- Cass, if you could avert your gaze
18:34from the exotica of the banking world for one moment,
18:37you would realize, as so many women in Peckham realize,
18:40there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter.
18:43And they would appreciate having a young,
18:45vibrant, successful bloke like me about.
18:48And they would most likely do me
18:50a pie and chips when I felt like it.
18:53- Well, why don't you go find one of these women?
18:58- Alright, I will.
18:59- Well, go on then.
19:02- I will.
19:05- And take a bottle of ketchup for your pie and chips.
19:07- I will!
19:44- Oh, what a meal, what a meal.
19:47Je suis, je reste, as they say in Montpellier.
19:52- Does that mean good?
19:53- Good?
19:54Ah, that is absolutely superb.
19:56You know, I haven't had a meal like that
20:00since my dear old mum was alive.
20:02Oh, what was it again?
20:04- Chicken.
20:06- No, I know it was chicken, but what was the dish called?
20:09- Oh, it's called petti di pollo trifolati.
20:12- Ah, well there you go, you see.
20:14You can say what you like about the French,
20:15but they're magic when it comes to a saucepan
20:17and a bit of salt, aren't they?
20:19- It's Italian.
20:22- Oh, yeah yeah, I know, I know it's Italian, yeah.
20:25I mean, I was just saying,
20:26the French are good cooks and all, idn't they?
20:31Oh, oh.
20:33Ah ah ah ah.
20:35Je suis.
20:48Right, here we go.
20:50Get some of this down your neck.
20:54Alright, mm, to the future.
21:04Um, (clears throat) Raquel.
21:07- Hmm?
21:08- Um, you've been here for a week or two now, and uh,
21:13well,
21:14you know how I feel about you, don't you?
21:17- Do I?
21:18You've never said.
21:20- No, well, I thought it was obvious.
21:23I mean,
21:25I really do like you.
21:30And um, look you don't have to answer this now
21:32if you don't want to,
21:35but I was wondering
21:39if you would um
21:42well, if you would.
21:44(door slams)
21:46What the blimey?
21:48- I've kept your dinner warm in the oven, Albert.
21:50Is everything alright now?
21:51- I've cut the singed bit off.
21:54You should never light a candle
21:56when you've got a man with a beard in the house.
21:59- It was your own fault, you should have leaned
22:00across the table to reach for the bread.
22:02I've a good mind to report your beard to the council.
22:05If I hadn't been a bit lively with my Liebfraumilch
22:07we could have had a towering inferno on the rates.
22:11- I'll eat my dinner in the kitchen
22:12away from that fire hazard.
22:15- Good, and mind how you go when you take the plate
22:16out of the oven, 'cause the gas is still on.
22:21- You were saying?
22:22- I'm sorry?
22:23Oh yeah, um, yes.
22:26Um.
22:29Yeah I was saying, um,
22:33see,
22:36you are a woman.
22:39- Thank you.
22:42- And I am a man, yeah?
22:46And uh, no man is an island.
22:57Do you understand what I'm getting at?
23:00- No.
23:03(Del clears his throat)
23:04- Well, I just don't want to rush things, you know.
23:07But I mean, would you, I mean no, no,
23:11what I mean,
23:13would you consider--
23:15- That's it, all over, kaput.
23:18That was her last chance.
23:20- Good evening, Rodney.
23:21- I have never been so insulted in my life.
23:24- Well, sit down bruv, let me have a try.
23:29- What's happening?
23:30- Rodney's left Cassandra.
23:31- What, again?
23:33That's the third time in 18 months you two
23:34have broken up for good.
23:36- Yeah, well this time it is for good!
23:39- Does that mean our invitation for dinner is off, then?
23:42- Well, of course it does.
23:43- What's brought all this about?
23:45- You will not believe this.
23:47She accused me of being childish.
23:50- No!
23:51- Yes, it's true.
23:54Stupid thing.
23:56- Oi, that's my top you're throwing about there.
23:58- Well, tonight was the last straw.
23:59- Really?
24:00What did she do tonight, turn on your Scalextrics?
24:04- Derek, my marriage has broken up,
24:05this is no time for sarcasm.
24:07- Alright, alright Rodney, alright.
24:08Just calm down will you, finish your drink,
24:11then I will drive you home and we will see
24:13if we can sort it out, alright?
24:15- No, you don't understand.
24:16I'm not going back.
24:17Me and Cassy are finished for good!
24:19- Oh, uh oh.
24:21Albert, brandy.
24:24- Rodney, you'll have to talk to her sooner or later.
24:26There'll be things to be discussed.
24:27- Yes, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.
24:35- This is all just one big bloody joke to you, isn't it?
24:38- It's not, Rodney.
24:39It's just that you and Cassandra are behaving
24:41like a couple of 10-year-olds, ain't you, eh?
24:43I mean, you've broken up and gone back together
24:44more times than JR and Sue Ellen.
24:47- Yeah, will this time it is for good.
24:49I am staying here.
24:57- Alright Albert, you'd better go get some blankets
24:59and some pillows and make up a bed for Rodney on the settee.
25:03- The settee?
25:04No, I'll kip in me old room.
25:07- Oh Rodney, you can't kip in your old room because uh,
25:09you know, Raquel sleeps in there, alright?
25:12- Sorry.
25:14- Why's Raquel in my room?
25:16I thought you two.
25:17(Del loudly clears his throat)
25:21- Excuse me.
25:22Just give me a minute, will you, sweetheart?
25:24Ah Rodney, may I have a word with you in the boardroom?
25:33- I thought you and Raquel--
25:34- No!
25:36- What, you mean you're not--
25:37- No.
25:40- But she's been here over a fortnight.
25:41- I know.
25:43- That must be a record.
25:46- Rodney, you came storming in
25:48just at the moment when I was asking Raquel
25:51if she would be kind enough to consider spending my card.
25:57- Well, you'll just have to say it to her.
25:58Say I'm back now, so like it lump it,
26:00she's got to kip with you.
26:01- No, no, Rodney, come here, look, you don't understand,
26:04do you, you don't understand at all,
26:05because you see Raquel, Raquel is a lady.
26:08You see, and when a lady is ready to, to, to uh,
26:12well when she's ready to, she will let me know.
26:17- How?
26:20- Well, you know, she'd give me a sign or something.
26:24- Like what?
26:32- I don't know!
26:35- Perhaps she'll put an announcement in the Sunday sport.
26:36- Yes.
26:40All I know is, that until that happens,
26:43you will be kipping on the settee,
26:45and think yourself lucky.
26:47- Suits me.
26:49Anything's better than sleeping
26:50next to a cold pair of shoulders.
26:55- You going to let him stay?
26:56- I don't know, sweetheart, I just don't know,
26:58I just do not know what to do for the best.
27:00- Let the boy stay for a few days, Del.
27:02- God, that's better, I was starving.
27:12- Send him back to this wife!
27:15I fought a war for you!
27:20("True" by Spandau Ballet)
27:43- Look at that dipstick.
27:52What's he think he's playing at, eh?
27:55- He's had a little too much to drink, that's all.
27:59- Ever since he walked out on Cassandra,
28:02he's spent every night on the pi, the booze.
28:14- You're worried about him, aren't you?
28:18- Yeah, course I am.
28:20Course I'm worried about him.
28:22Spent most of me life bringing him up.
28:26Michael Jackson's got Bubbles, I got Rodney.
28:35- Can we have a,
28:36excuse me, oi,
28:39can we have the same again,
28:40only this time make them large ones.
28:42-[Both] Yes!
28:44- It's your round, Rodney.
28:48- Oh, yeah, I suppose it is.
28:50- Hello, I spy with my little eye
28:53two ladies of the more mature variety.
29:00- Lonely housewives out on the pull.
29:03- Yeah, well just leave me out of this, alright?
29:05- Well yeah, we intended to, Rodney.
29:14- I know you from somewhere, don't I?
29:16- I wouldn't have thought so.
29:18- He never forgets a face.
29:20- Neither do I, and I'd certainly remember you two.
29:25- Did you go to the Dockside Junior School?
29:27- No, I didn't.
29:29- Told ya!
29:30He thought you was our old headmistress.
29:39(faster dance music playing)
29:50- He's drunk.
29:52He's missed a couple of days of work
29:53through hangovers this week already.
29:56- What you mean you're sleeping on the settee?
29:58- It's true.
30:00Del's in his room, right, and Raquel's in my old room.
30:03- I thought Del Boy and her were living together.
30:05- Well yeah, they are, sort of, but,
30:07they ain't cohabiting, you know.
30:09Well, I mean they ain't cohabiting a bed.
30:12But Del said, right, as soon as he's cracked the case,
30:15I can have my old room back.
30:17- Rodney, let me give you some advice.
30:20I'm a ladies hairstylist and know intimately
30:22the working of the female mind.
30:24- Yeah, 'cause he's a woofter.
30:27- Please, be serious Mickey.
30:29I hate it when you do your Timmy Mallet impersonation.
30:33Rodney, why don't you go home to Cassandra?
30:36You had a nice flat, a good girl,
30:38and you've given it all up because of some stupid row.
30:41- Look, if she wants to phone me and apologize,
30:44then I might consider it.
30:46But she started it, so she's gotta phone me first, alright?
30:48- What you've gotta do, Rodney, is make Cassandra jealous.
30:53- Yeah.
30:55Why?
30:57- Make her think other women find you desirable.
31:01- Yeah.
31:02- Don't encourage Rodney to tell her lies.
31:05- No, that's true.
31:08What do you mean lies?
31:09- What?
31:10- Listen to me, Rodney, I always make a point
31:13of making women jealous.
31:14- Ha, go on.
31:17Only time you ever made women jealous
31:18was the night you won the last house at bingo.
31:23- Oh, it's you, Derek.
31:24Tell me uh, how's you and Raquel getting on these days?
31:29- Terrific, thank you very much, Mickey.
31:31What the bleeding hell it's got to do with you I don't know.
31:33- Just concerned.
31:35- Yeah.
31:37- Here, you going to buy us a drink, Del?
31:39- Yeah yeah, alright.
31:40Here you go.
31:41Give the lads a drink and all, will ya?
31:42- Nice.
31:45- Three Coca Colas.
31:49Rodney, I want a word with you.
31:55Here you go, sweetheart.
31:56- Thanks.
31:59- Alright.
32:00- Alright Rodney, go ahead and sit yourself down.
32:03- I'll just um, I won't be long.
32:11- So, you get the exhaust on the van sorted out?
32:14- I booked it in for tomorrow.
32:15You can take it down there for me.
32:17- Me?
32:19- Yeah.
32:20Well, you won't be going to work tomorrow, will you?
32:22Not after what you've shoved down your neck tonight.
32:26So when you're hangover's cleared up,
32:27you can take it down there for me.
32:29- Look, I will be going to work tomorrow.
32:31You can bet your last penny on that, alright?
32:36- Rodney.
32:38Look, Rodders, you've been out
32:40every night this week on the booze.
32:43- I'm just seeing me mates, that's all.
32:44- Yeah, but why are they always the same mates, eh?
32:47Johnny Walker and Ron Bacardi.
32:52You walked out on Cassandra eight days ago.
32:56You've made your point, bruv.
32:58'Bout time you went back home, yeah?
33:00- Look, Del, you've never even been married.
33:01You don't know what it's like.
33:03- No?
33:04Well, mucked about enough, I have a fair idea.
33:09Look, Rodney.
33:11Hey, look, talk to me, will ya?
33:14- Well, to Cassandra right, life's all drive and ambition.
33:19I think she wants to rule the world.
33:20- No she don't.
33:22She just wants promotion at the bank, that's all.
33:25- Ah, exactly, and it's that
33:27blinkedness that's driving away
33:30all her beautiful thoughts, she can't see 'em.
33:34- What, you?
33:37- Yeah, yeah.
33:39Look, I'll tell you what,
33:40the other day it was her birthday, right?
33:42So I bought her a pair of earrings and a Shergal Farkey LP.
33:47- A Shergal what?
33:49- Shergal Farkey
33:52Feargal Sharkey, the singer.
33:54- Oh, yeah, alright.
33:55- And a pair of earrings.
33:56And they was nice earrings, but they was little.
34:00They were very little earrings, right?
34:03They were nice, but they--
34:05- They were very little.
34:06- Yeah.
34:08And she, she has a look at them, and she says,
34:10oh thanks Rodney, aren't they little.
34:15- Oh, no!
34:16- Yes, as true as I'm sitting here.
34:19Uh, stood here.
34:21It's just 'cause unlike mummy and daddy,
34:23now I don't buy her all the big presents, do I?
34:27So there's sometimes I wish I could meet another girl.
34:30- You're present condition, you ought to think about
34:32joining the lonely kidney's club.
34:44- I think, all in all you know, this married life's been
34:49a bit of a letdown for young Cassandra.
34:54Yeah, well I, I don't care.
34:58No skin off my nose, is it?
35:02I couldn't give a monkey's toss, me.
35:08I love her, Del.
35:12- Shut up, shut up you tart.
35:18- I just can't live up to her high expectations.
35:21- Look, I ...
35:24Look, I'm going to have words with your wife,
35:26and I'm going to tell her that size isn't important,
35:28it's the thought that counts.
35:31- If you get involved in the ...
35:34What do you mean, size isn't important?
35:37- Well, about them earrings.
35:39- Oh sod the earrings, they're not imp ...
35:42God, it makes me so angry.
35:46I gotta find a little bloke, I'm gonna have a fight.
35:49- What!
35:51Don't start, will you?
35:52- And another thing, she never cooked for me.
35:54She's always too busy.
35:57- (indistinct) You know, you can cook, can't you?
36:01- Yeah, but I wanted her to do it for me.
36:05- Oh, I see.
36:06What you wanted really was
36:08Cassandra to make a fuss of it.
36:12- Yes.
36:13- Oh, come on, sit yourself down here.
36:17Look, she ain't your mum, Rodney.
36:19- What do you mean?
36:20- Um.
36:22You never knew the joy of having a mum, did ya?
36:26And you were barely on solids when
36:29the angels came down and
36:31took her away.
36:33- I do remember, sort of,
36:35but it's, it's misty.
36:37- Yeah.
36:39- This blonde lady, and,
36:41and she was there and,
36:43then shen wasn't.
36:46Bit like the SDP, really.
36:52- You want a right hander for a nightcap?
36:55You show some respect, Rodney.
36:56- Yeah, Del, I'm sorry, right.
36:58I didn't mean to bring mum up.
37:00Look, I'm really sorry.
37:02God, what a life I have.
37:04Me wife don't love me, me mum's left me,
37:07and some bastard's nicked me bike.
37:11- I told you not to leave it out on the landing, didn't I.
37:14- Yes, I know.
37:17- Yeah well, come on, come on.
37:19Don't be a defeatist.
37:21These things were sent to try us.
37:23Why don't you take a leaf out of my book, eh?
37:25You know, happy go lucky, never let life get me down.
37:30Hey come on, use me as your role model.
37:33- You?
37:34You must be joking.
37:36Here I don't need a, a role mo, a, mo.
37:39Mole.
37:40- No, come on Rodney.
37:43Role model.
37:44- Roll mo.
37:45- Roll model.
37:46- I don't need one of them, 'cause I am happy as I am.
37:52See you later.
37:54- Yeah, alright.
37:57- Any luck?
37:59- No no, just, I tried, I tried.
38:02- You're a very nice person, Derek Trotter.
38:05- Yeah, I know, it's one of my failures, that.
38:07It has been.
38:15- I think Rodney is a very confused young man.
38:18Confused, maybe a bit frightened.
38:20- Frightened, what are you talking about, frightened,
38:21he's not frightened, he's a bloke.
38:23- Well I know, but even blokes get frightened.
38:25Everyone's frightened of something.
38:27- Really?
38:28Well, what are you frightened of then?
38:30- Shut up, you'll make me feel silly.
38:32- No no.
38:33No seriously, come on, what are frightened of?
38:35No, go on, tell me, I promise I won't laugh.
38:39- The dark.
38:40(Del laughs)
38:45- You're not, are you?
38:46What, even today you're frightened of the dark?
38:49- Yeah.
38:50Sometimes I lie in bed, and the dark seems,
38:54well, seems to be
38:56touching me.
38:59Stupid, eh?
39:01- Yeah.
39:08You know if, if you like,
39:11tonight,
39:13when you're lying in bed in the dark,
39:19I could hold your hand.
39:27- Okay.
39:30Thank you.
39:32- Right then, drink up.
39:38- My reputation in this area isn't as good
39:39as I'd like it to be, so please don't
39:41tell anyone about this, about us.
39:43- No, of course, I won't.
39:44What sort of bloke do you think I am?
39:46Look, Raquel, this is between you and me.
39:48This is between us two, eh?
39:59- Hey Del.
40:00You going?
40:01- Yeah.
40:02- Alright, see you later, right?
40:03- Yeah, alright.
40:04Oh, Rodney, you can sleep in your own room tonight.
40:07- Oh, nice one Del!
40:10(overlapping talking)
40:22(BBC News at Six theme playing on TV)
40:28("Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol playing on radio)
40:40- What's that horrible racket?
40:43- I'm listening to me radio.
40:44- I can't sleep with all that noise going on.
40:51(music stops)
40:51- An amazing statement coming from a man
40:53who slept through two World Wars.
40:56- I didn't do any sleeping during the war, Rodney,
40:59I was out there on the big waves.
41:01Shell and fire, that was me.
41:04They could make a film about my life story.
41:06- Yeah, three men and a dingy.
41:11- So how are you feeling now, is your hangover cleared up?
41:14- I didn't have hangover.
41:15- Why didn't you go to work this morning?
41:17- None of your bus, God, you're a nosy git, idn't ya?
41:20No wonder they kept throwing you out of the lifeboat.
41:23- If that's the sort of rubbish you listen to,
41:25it's no wonder your wife chucked you out on your ass.
41:28- She did not chuck me out, I left of my own accord.
41:31She's praying for me to go back.
41:33- Oh, spending a lot of time in church, is she?
41:36Maybe that's why she's never in when Raquel phones her.
41:39- You're just trying to wind me up, idn't ya?
41:41- I'm not son, honest.
41:45They found your bike yet?
41:47- Get off my case, Albert.
41:49I'm gonna get dressed.
41:51("Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol plays on radio)
42:06(door closes)
42:10-[Albert] Have you seen my slippers, Raquel?
42:12- You're wearing them, Albert.
42:14What's wrong with Rodney?
42:16Slamming drawers, banging things around in there.
42:18- I think he's still upset about him and Cassandra.
42:21I tried to give him a few words of encouragement,
42:23but nothing seems to work.
42:24- At least you're trying.
42:26(door closes)
42:29- Alright, where is that idiot?
42:31- He's getting dressed.
42:32-[Raquel] Are you alright, love?
42:33- Yeah, I'm alright, sweetheart.
42:36I'm just suffering from a bit of the old
42:38executive burnout, you know.
42:42Could murder a drink.
42:43- Go on, sit down, I'll do it.
42:45- Oh, alright.
42:46Thank you, darling.
42:49I'll talk to you in private.
42:51- Yeah, alright Del, what about her?
42:54- Don't worry about her, I'll think of something.
42:56- Will a brandy do, Del?
42:57- Oh yes, cushty.
42:58Ah, no, second thought, I'll tell you what.
42:59I'd like a nice mug of decaffeinated coffee
43:02made in the percolator.
43:03- That takes ages.
43:04- Yes, I know, but it's much healthier, idn't it, eh?
43:06- Yeah, alright then.
43:06Do you want a coffee, Albert?
43:07- I'll have that brandy, shame wasting it.
43:14What do you want to talk about then?
43:17- Well first, I'd like to find out how
43:18my bottle of Courvoesire manages to pour itself.
43:22But that can wait, we've got
43:23more important things to discuss.
43:25I've just had a word with a mechanic
43:27from the Peckham Exhaust Center.
43:28Rodney took the van down there this morning.
43:30Now apparently there's a new receptionist working there
43:33by the name of Tania, and Rodney the dipstick
43:36has only asked her out on a date.
43:39- You're kidding!
43:40- I wish I was, Unc, I wish I was.
43:42I'm disgusted with him.
43:45- What's this Tania girl look like?
43:47- Well, I wouldn't say no.
43:50What I mean is, she's attractive enough and she's
43:52a nice enough girl, but that's not the point, is it?
43:54If Rodney gets seen with this Tania sort,
43:57then, well, it's going to break Cassandra's heart,
44:00and then Rodney's going to find himself with the sack.
44:03- Yeah, and Alan won't do any more
44:05of that cheap printing you flog to all your mates.
44:07- No.
44:08That has got absolutely nothing to do with it.
44:11- You says that was the only money
44:12we've got coming in to the flat.
44:14- Yeah, my only concern is for Cassandra
44:16and Rodney's future happiness.
44:20Mind you, that printing did
44:21bring in a few bob, I must admit.
44:25I've got to think of a way in which
44:26I can put Rodney off this bird.
44:29- So what are you telling me for?
44:32- I don't know, I was hoping you might come up with an idea.
44:35Then again, I was hoping that Millwall
44:36would win the UEFA Cup!
44:41Wait a minute.
44:43Wait a minute, I've got it, I've got an idea.
44:45Now listen to me.
44:47When Rodney tells us about this date with this bird, right,
44:51you and me have got to look absolutely horrified, see,
44:54as though it goes against the whole of
44:56the Trotter family's moral code.
44:58- He'll never fall for that.
45:00- Yes he will, he will, you don't know him like I do.
45:02He'll go for that hook, line, and ...
45:04(radio playing)
45:05That's him, that's him, that's him.
45:06He's coming.
45:07Now don't forget you've got to look horrified, right,
45:09as though you've seen a U-boat off the starboard bow.
45:17(Albert gasps)
45:18Not yet.
45:23- Del,
45:24what's the matter with him?
45:27- Ah, no, I don't know, he's been at the brandy, look.
45:30- Percolator's bubbling.
45:32Fancy a coffee, Rodney?
45:33- No, no thanks Raquel, I'm going out.
45:34(Albert gasps)
45:35- No!
45:36No.
45:42Where you going Rodney, anywhere nice?
45:43- Out to the pictures.
45:44- Oh, that's it Rodney, that's it.
45:46Your marriage is going down a swaney,
45:48and you bugger off to the flicks.
45:50Very good.
45:51- Why don't you just butt out, Del?
45:52- Alright, just as you like bruv, just as you like.
45:58Going on your own?
46:00- No, going with someone.
46:02(Albert gasps)
46:07- I'll whack you one in a minute, believe me!
46:12- Who're you taking, Cassandra?
46:14- No, not Cassandra.
46:16It's a girl.
46:17- A girl?
46:17- A girl!
46:22(Albert gasps)
46:23- A girl!
46:30- Why do you all keep repeating it?
46:32You sound like Jive Bunny.
46:36I met a girl called Tania, I've asked her to the pictures,
46:38what's wrong with that?
46:41- I don't believe I'm hearing this.
46:43I just absolutely don't.
46:44Do you, thank you, mind.
46:46Rodney, you are a happily married man!
46:50- Was a happily married man, Del.
46:52Then we left the registry office
46:54and the magic seemed to fade.
46:56A happily married man would be taking
46:57his wife to the pictures.
47:00- Well, well why don't you?
47:03- What?
47:04- Take Cassandra.
47:06Go on, give her a bell, she might like to go.
47:08- There won't be room in the van for Tania and Cassandra.
47:11- No, I mean, give Tania, will you shut up!
47:16- Ah, wouldn't work, Del.
47:17Even our taste in film's differed.
47:20Cassy used to like the heavy dramas and the foreign films,
47:23you know The Grapes of Wrath and Fellini classics,
47:26all that sort of stuff.
47:27- What are you going to see?
47:28- Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
47:31It weren't my choice, Tania wants to see it.
47:36- Tania.
47:37Tania.
47:39Ah, Tania, oh yes!
47:41Isn't the old bow wow down at the exhaust center.
47:44- Yeah, she said she,
47:45what do you mean bow wow?
47:46She's not a bow wow.
47:48- Do me a favor, Rodney, she's like a rottweiler with a wig.
47:52- Del, the Tania I'm talking about is very pretty.
47:55- You what?
47:57Have you clocked the hooter on it?
48:00I'll tell you what, me and Boicey had a bet once
48:03as to whether that was her real nose
48:05or if she'd had silicone injections.
48:08- Have you ever actually spoken to this person?
48:11- Yes, I said good morning to her once,
48:12but she didn't reply, she was too busy gnawing a bone.
48:17- I think what Rodney is trying to say, Derek,
48:18is that maybe, just maybe,
48:20this girl might have a nice personality.
48:23Has she?
48:24- No, not really.
48:26- What are you going out with her for?
48:28- Well, Rodney's heard about her reputation, hadn't he?
48:30- I don't care about, has she got a reputation?
48:33- She's lived with a few blokes.
48:35A darts team, I heard.
48:37- That is just the kind of old-fashioned
48:39chauvinistic attitude that keeps women
48:41second class citizens in this country.
48:43- Listen Raquel, Raquel, listen, I'm doing this on purpose.
48:45- Sometimes you can be such a sexist!
48:47- No.
48:48- You're not satisfied with tearing the poor girl
48:49to shreds because she doesn't look like Kim Bassinger.
48:52Oh no, you've got to do a character assassination
48:54because in the past she's done exactly the same as you.
48:57- Del's never lived with a darts team.
49:05- No listen, you don't understand, Raquel,
49:06see I'm doing it for a reason, I'll tell you later on.
49:09- It's all very well for young men
49:10to sow their wild oats, the more the merrier,
49:12shows they're red-blooded.
49:14But if a girl does the same thing, she's a slut.
49:16- No, that is where you're wrong, Raquel, you see,
49:18because nowadays men can't sow their wield oats either,
49:22'cause we've all seen the film for AIDS
49:23on the television, haven't we, eh?
49:26And that's my point, Rodney, you see?
49:28That is my point.
49:29Today you see, well women are very dodgy.
49:35- Women are dodgy?
49:37- No no, not you, sweetheart, it's the others, idn't it?
49:40- How dare you lay the blame for a worldwide epidemic
49:43at the feet of womankind.
49:45- Raquel, if feet were the problem,
49:47Dr. Scholl could find the cure.
49:49- I've never heard such stupid, pig-ignorant views as yours.
49:53- Oh, you get him on politics, Raquel, it'll blow your mind.
49:57- What did you say?
49:59- Derek, for your information, there is rather
50:01an ugly rumor going around.
50:02- Oh is there?
50:03Well, introduce it to Rodney, he'll take it to the pictures.
50:06- The rumor is that man is the guilty party.
50:10- Ah, no, see that, sorry, sorry,
50:12but that is where you are wrong, Raquel, you see.
50:15'Cause on that commercial on the telly,
50:16this bloke walks into the disco, don't he?
50:18He walks in and this bird comes up to him--
50:19- Oh to hell with the telly.
50:21Let's get one thing clear, Derek,
50:22women played no part in the creation of this plague.
50:25AIDS is like nylon, manmade.
50:30(door slams)
50:33- You've upset her now!
50:36- I?
50:37That's, right, that is it.
50:38I'm out of here.
50:40- Wait a, Rodney, come here a minute,
50:41come on, just a minute.
50:44Look, look.
50:45One little row and you think your marriage is breaking up.
50:48Well, it ain't, bruv, it ain't.
50:51You can soon rekindle the old flame of passion.
50:55All you got to do is take her a bottle of champaign,
50:56nice bunch of flower, you know.
50:59- A bit corny, idn't it?
51:00- That's what I'd do.
51:01- She's got her evening school tonight anyway, don't she?
51:04- You never know, she might cancel it for you.
51:06- God, you must be joking.
51:08Nothing gets in the way of her
51:09and her stupid, rotten career.
51:12Trying to rekindle the flame in my marriage
51:14is like giving the kiss of life to a rasher of bacon.
51:19- Oh come on Rodney, eh, remember?
51:23He who dares, wins.
51:26Listen to me, all you got to do is you go round there,
51:28and you apologize to her.
51:29You just say you're sorry,
51:31and then she will say she's sorry to you.
51:34Before you know where you are, you made it up,
51:36more in love than you ever were before.
51:39And you might get a little bit.
51:43Everyone's a winner, tete de veau.
51:47- You might get a little bit?
51:50Good God, it's like living with a Big Mac.
51:53- Just for that, oi, thank you very much,
51:55just for that, you cannot take my van.
51:57- Well, stuff your van, I will bus it.
51:59- Good.
52:00(door slams shut)
52:02This is the thanks I get, ain't it, eh?
52:12Raquel, fancy going down to Nag's Head for a few drinks?
52:16-[Raquel] With a creep like you?
52:18- Yeah.
52:18-[Raquel] No, thank you very much.
52:19- Thank you.
52:24Life, idn't it, eh?
52:25What a life.
52:28Hey, just a minute.
52:29You know that film he was talking about, what is it,
52:32Honey I Shrunk the Kids,
52:34what cinema is that on at?
52:37- It's the ABC in the high street.
52:39- Exactly.
52:40And what's next door to that cinema?
52:44Cassandra's evening school,
52:46and tonight is the night that she goes.
52:48- But she might see Rodney
52:49and this Tania girl queuing outside.
52:51- Exactly, that's the whole point of it, idn't it?
52:54That dippy Rodney is only trying
52:55to make Cassandra jealous, idn't he?
52:58He's taking the advice of that, that Mickey Pearce.
53:01Mickey Pearce.
53:03He's had about as much success with women
53:05as you've had with boats.
53:07No, I've got to go round to Cassandra's,
53:09and I've got to try to persuade her
53:11not to got to the evening school.
53:13Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's the answer.
53:15I'll see you later, Unc.
53:16See you later, alright.
53:20-[Raquel] Del?
53:21- Yeah, what is it, sweetheart?
53:23- I'm sorry.
53:28- Yes, good, so am I, so am I, darling.
53:32- Can we, can we, you know, talk.
53:35- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I will.
53:37I'll be um, I'll be as quick as I can.
53:40- Well, you don't have to be.
53:41- Hmm?
53:43No no no, what I mean is, I just,
53:45I just got to pop out for a minute.
53:47- Yeah, but I wanted to, you know, talk.
53:48- Yeah, I know, no, I mean, I know,
53:51but see the thing is that this is very, very important, see.
53:54- Oh, well, please yourself.
53:56- No, look, Raquel.
53:57Look, all I was going.
53:58(door slams)
54:02Oh, hell, what a night.
54:04- Rodney's really upset her, idn't he?
54:40(intercom buzzes)
54:44-[Cassandra] Hello?
54:45- Yeah, uh, Cassandra?
54:46It's Del Boy.
54:47-[Cassandra] Hi Del, pull the door.
54:55(quiet music playing on stereo)
55:02- Cooee.
55:03Here I am.
55:04Ah, over here.
55:06Hello, sweetheart.
55:08I was just passing, thought I'd pop in, see how you were.
55:10- I'm fine.
55:11- Oh, good.
55:12- How are you?
55:12- Couldn't be better, couldn't be better.
55:14Uh, bit choked here about you and Rodney, though.
55:17- Yeah, well, it's just one of those things, eh?
55:19- Yeah, it's just one of them things, idn't it.
55:21Off to the evening classes again, are you?
55:22- Yeah, it's my final exams in three weeks.
55:24- Oh, cool, cushty.
55:27-[Cassandra] How's Rodney?
55:28- Oh uh, bearing up, you know.
55:32- The police found his bike yet?
55:33- No, not yet.
55:34He's toying with the idea of getting another one.
55:37- Where is he tonight?
55:38- Oh, you know, he's just popped out earlier.
55:41- Oh well, I hope he has a good time.
55:43I mean, that's what he wants from life, isn't it?
55:46- Cassandra, I know what he really wants,
55:48and deep down in your heart of hearts,
55:50I think you do as well.
55:52- Yeah, well, he's only got to swallow
55:54his stupid pride and ask.
55:55- Yes, I know, I have tried to talk to him but
55:58I just can't get through to him, though.
56:00It's like my dear old mum used to say.
56:03There's none so blind as them as what won't listen.
56:07- Very true.
56:09- Listen, listen, listen.
56:11Can't you two make it up somehow?
56:14- Oh, it's impossible, Del.
56:16Rodney won't budge an inch in any given subject.
56:18He just fights me all the way.
56:20He doesn't like going to the bank social evenings,
56:22he gets bored with my friends and he shows it.
56:25The other week I invited some colleagues around.
56:27I cooked a lovely meal.
56:29I really tried hard, Del.
56:30- No, well, you're a smashing cook, Cassandra.
56:33I remember that moules marinieres you made for us last year.
56:37I can still taste it now.
56:40- Anyway, one hour after we'd finished eating,
56:42Rodney decided it was time they all went home,
56:45so he started giving them subtle little hints
56:47like yawning and checking his watch every three minutes.
56:50Finally he started whistling the national anthem.
56:54- Well, Rodney never was one for staying up late.
56:56- This was Sunday lunch.
57:00Rodney's idea of socializing is a night out
57:02the pub with his mates.
57:04What idiot wants to spend their evenings
57:06down the Nag's Head?
57:08- Yeah, what idiot?
57:11- Rodney is so immature.
57:12It's never going to work between us
57:14until he learns to grow up.
57:15- You sure it's only him?
57:17- I'm not behaving childishly,
57:18if that's what you're suggesting.
57:19- Oh, I know, but you haven't phoned him though, have you?
57:20- I'm not phoning him first, he started it.
57:23- Must have taken years of experience
57:25to come to that decision.
57:27Those are nice earrings, aren't they, Cassandra?
57:29- They're lovely, aren't they?
57:31Rodney gave them to me for my birthday.
57:33- They're very little, aren't they?
57:35- That's what I like about them.
57:37I don't want a pair of chandeliers hanging from my ears.
57:39These are perfect.
57:41- Perfect.
57:42But Rodney said--
57:44-[Cassandra] Rodney said what?
57:45- No, nothing, nothing, nothing at all, just forget it.
57:48I don't believe these two.
57:51I get more sense out of a crossed line with the Krankies.
57:56Ah, listen, I'll tell you what.
57:59Cassandra, I'll tell you what.
58:00Don't go to evening classes tonight.
58:02I tell you, why don't you come out
58:03for a meal with me and Raquel?
58:06Your dad's told us about this great Chinese place.
58:08They doing a blinding won ton, by all accounts.
58:11- Maybe some other time, I really must go tonight.
58:14- Alright then, okay, okay, I'll tell you what then,
58:16I'll give you a lift.
58:17Let me give you a lift, and I'll drop you
58:18right outside the door.
58:19- It's only 50 yards from the car park.
58:21- Yes, I know, but you don't want to walk past
58:22that cinema queue, do ya?
58:23- Why not?
58:24- Well, you know, 'cause it'll be full of
58:26yobs and all that, won't it, eh?
58:29Look, come here, just a minute, just before you go.
58:32Just give me a minute, I want to ask you something.
58:33Sit down there, alright?
58:36Listen, have you ever had, like a nightmare,
58:40that Rodney had been out with another girl?
58:42- No.
58:43- Well, I have.
58:45Um, just for argument's sake, tell me,
58:49what would your reaction be if like you did?
58:54- What, Rodney with another girl?
58:55- Hmm.
58:57- That wouldn't bother me.
58:58- Oh, good, 'cause Rodney's taken another bird
59:00to the pictures tonight.
59:02- He's done what?
59:05No, Rodney wouldn't do that.
59:07- Yes, yes he would, oh yeah.
59:10He's done it to make you jealous, you see.
59:12What he was hoping for, he was hoping that
59:15you would see him and this Tania bird
59:17standing in the cinema queue.
59:18And I said, Cassandra's far too intelligent--
59:20- Who the hell's Tania?
59:24- Tania, well, she's the girl from the--
59:26- It was just a silly disagreement, that's all!
59:29- I thought you said it wouldn't bother you.
59:30- It doesn't.
59:32The bastard.
59:34I love him!
59:35- Well, he loves you, too.
59:37- Oh, it looks like it.
59:39We only had a row about badminton,
59:40and he started an affair with another woman!
59:42- No he hasn't, he's only take some tart out
59:44to see Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
59:46- But I wanted to see that!
59:48- Oh God.
59:54Here you are.
60:01(Cassandra crying)
60:04Well, you're taking this very well, Cassandra.
60:07- Thanks for telling me, Del.
60:09- Yeah, well, alright, I couldn't very well,
60:12couldn't very well see you walk into an ambush, could I?
60:15Rodney's only doing this, it's only his silly way
60:17of trying to get you back.
60:18- Get me back for what?
60:20- No no no, not get you back for something,
60:22get you back with him.
60:23- But I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still here.
60:26- I know, I know you have, sweetheart,
60:28I know you are, I know you are.
60:30Listen, I'll tell you what.
60:32Look, forget it, don't go to evening classes tonight, eh?
60:36- No, I'll go round to my friend Emma's house.
60:39- Yeah, that's a good idea.
60:41Keep this just between ourselves, eh?
60:43We won't tell the neighbors or your dad about it, will we?
60:47- No.
60:48- Good girl, you know it makes sense.
60:53What time will you be back?
60:54- I don't know.
60:55Late, why?
60:56- Well, it's just that I'll get Raquel to give you a ring,
60:59you know, to cheer you up a bit.
61:01Yeah, 'cause her marriage broke up and.
61:03(Cassandra wails)
61:06No, what I mean is, no, she'll understand
61:09what you are going through, that's all I meant.
61:12Yeah.
61:14You alright, sweetheart?
61:14- Yeah.
61:15- Okay.
61:16Listen, I've got to be away.
61:18Alright, I'll talk to you later.
61:19- Okay, and, and thanks, Del.
61:21- It's alright, sweetie, alright?
61:29(Cassandra screaming and crying)
61:38You won't do anything silly, will ya?
61:41- No, I'm fine!
61:45- Lovely jubbly.
61:54- I didn't know what you were doing.
61:56(doll singing lullaby in Korean)
62:09- Korean rubbish.
62:10Wish I'd never put those
62:11made in Britain stickers on them now.
62:13Sorry, what did you say, sweetheart?
62:15- Earlier this evening, when you were saying
62:16all those horrible things about women,
62:18I didn't realize you were trying to
62:19frighten Rodney out of his date.
62:21- Yeah, but it didn't work though, did it?
62:23- I couldn't see Rodney being unfaithful, could you?
62:25- No.
62:26- He's not that stupid, is he?
62:27- Oh, yeah, he's stupid enough,
62:29it's just that he never has any success with birds.
62:31I mean, that bloke has been blown out
62:32more times than a windsock.
62:35- During the war--
62:36- Oh God, look at the time, oh dear.
62:38- Midnight already.
62:38- A crewmate of mine, Sky Piggott,
62:41died of a sexually related condition.
62:47- Oh yeah?
62:48- Yeah.
62:49His girlfriend's husband shot him!
62:51(Albert laughs)
62:54(phone ringing)
62:56- Wish somebody'd shot you.
63:00Yes.
63:01Yes, yes, yes, Trotter's Independent Traders, hello.
63:04- Del, it's me.
63:04- Oh, you is it, Rodney?
63:06And what do you want?
63:08-[Rodney] I've been thinking.
63:09- Oh, have you?
63:10Hang about, I'll call a press conference
63:11for tomorrow morning.
63:14- No, Del, listen, I ain't been drinking.
63:16See?
63:19-[Del] Are you sure?
63:20-[Rodney] Yeah.
63:21- Ah, no, you haven't, alright, go on then.
63:23-[Rodney] I've been doing a bit of growing up.
63:24- Yeah?
63:25-[Rodney] I've realized that
63:26you were right, and I was wrong.
63:28- Well there you are, you see?
63:29I knew I was right, I told you I was right,
63:31but you wouldn't listen, would you, eh?
63:33- No, I did listen.
63:34I bought some champaign and roses for Cassy.
63:37-[Del] Oh that's a bit, that's a bit corny, isn't it, eh?
63:39And a bit late.
63:40You should have thought of that
63:41before you took this Tania bird to the,
63:43to the pictures.
63:44You can't turn the clock back, Rodney.
63:46- No, I didn't take Tania out.
63:48- Look, it doesn't matter where you took her, you see.
63:51You didn't take Tania out?
63:53- No.
63:55Well, I thought of all the things you said, so,
63:57I phoned her and I told her I was a married man,
64:00told her I was still very much in love with my wife.
64:03Does that sound a bit yukky?
64:05- Yes.
64:08Yes Rodney, that sounds absolutely horrible.
64:12- And then I though, well, why am I saying
64:13all this to a total stranger,
64:14I should be telling me wife.
64:16So that's what I'm going to do.
64:18- Yes, that's terrific, that's terrific, Rodney,
64:20that's terrific but uh, listen, just one thing.
64:22Don't go back to the flat, alright?
64:25'Cause Cassandra isn't in, you see?
64:27- No, no, I'm back at the flat now.
64:29I'll just wait for her, you know.
64:32Who's hurrying, you know?
64:33- He's back at the flat.
64:35You're back at the flat now, are you?
64:37Well, uh, listen Rodney, listen,
64:39I've got to tell you something.
64:40- Oh no, you've done enough for me for one day, Del.
64:43- No, no listen Rodney, I've got to say something to ya.
64:46-[Rodney] There's something I want to say to you, Del.
64:48- Yeah?
64:48What is it?
64:51- I love you, Del Boy.
64:56- You dipstick!
65:03- What's happened?
65:04- Rodney, it's Rodney.
65:05He's only gone back to his flat, ain't he eh?
65:07- That's good, isn't it?
65:08- No, it isn't good, Raquel.
65:09It is very, very ungood.
65:12Oh damn, I can't get through,
65:14he must have taken the phone off the hook.
65:17- Perhaps the line's engaged.
65:19- The only thing that's engaged is Rodney's hormones!
65:22- I can't understand this.
65:23You've been telling Rodney to go back to Cassandra for ages.
65:26- Yes, I know that, that was before
65:28he took Tania to see Honey I Shrunk the bloody Kids!
65:31- But you just said Rodney didn't take Tania out.
65:33- Yes!
65:34He didn't!
65:36But you see, Cassandra, she thinks he did.
65:38- What makes her think that?
65:44- I don't know, do I?
65:47Somebody must have told her, I suppose.
65:50- Oh Del, you didn't.
65:53- I couldn't help it.
65:55I was only doing it for her.
65:57I couldn't see the poor little mare
65:59walk past the cinema queue and see
66:00her husband groping Miss Quick Fit, could I?
66:05I didn't want to see Cassandra hurt.
66:08I mean, she's family, idn't she?
66:11Oh God.
66:12I'm gonna go round there, round over to their flat
66:14and see if I can catch Cassandra, and say to her
66:17that I made a mistake, and do it before
66:21she sets eyes on that, that,
66:23that wally!
66:26- Why does he have to interfere?
66:29- Just his nature.
66:31Still, proves his heart's in the right place.
66:34- Hmm.
66:36Pity about his brain.
66:39- Yeah.
66:42("Did I Happen to Mention" playing on stereo)
67:07- Cass.
67:14I've come home.
67:16- You!
67:18-[Rodney] Cassandra, will you just
67:19give me a minute to explain?
67:21-[Cassandra] Get out of here, Rodney.
67:22Go to bloody Tania's or whatever her name is.
67:25-[Rodney] Tania?
67:25I don't know anyone called Tania.
67:28Is it a man or a woman?
67:29-[Cassandra] Oh, don't try to deny it, Rodney.
67:31Del told me all about the two of you.
67:32-[Rodney] Well, he was lying!
67:34-[Cassandra] She works--
67:35- Lovely evening, idn't it?
67:39-[Cassandra] Stuff the roses.
67:40(glass breaking)
67:41-[Rodney] Cass, if you would just calm down
67:43for one minute, you'd realize this has
67:44all been a big mistake.
67:45-[Cassandra] Our marriage was a big mistake.
67:47-[Rodney] Cass, we've always said
67:48if we had a problem, we would sit down and--
67:50-[Cassandra] Oh, just bugger off.
67:54- Cass!
67:57- She's back, then?
68:00- Alright Del, why did you tell her?
68:03- I had to, Rodney, to save her from any pain.
68:05- What about me?
68:06She's just whacked me in the shin with a badminton racket!
68:09- Don't you raise your voice at--
68:10- It's gone midnight.
68:11- Well, go back to bed then!
68:14(indinstict)
68:23Alright, alright.
68:25Just calm yourself down, just calm yourself down, alright?
68:27- You!
68:28You of all people grassed me up.
68:31And you grassed me up for something I didn't even do!
68:34- Have you any idea what Cassandra's reaction
68:36would have been if she'd seen you with that Tania soul?
68:39- Yes, she's just given me a bloody good example of it!
68:43I wasn't going to take Tania out.
68:46I changed me mind before I got to the bottom of the lift.
68:48I just made a stupid threat out of anger and frustration.
68:53- You said--
68:54- I know what I said!
68:57But there's a world of difference
68:58between saying and doing, isn't there?
69:00If I'd gone to the police every time you said
69:02you were going to kill me, you'd still be
69:03slopping out in Parkhurst.
69:06Well, thanks to you, my wife now thinks
69:08I'm having a passionate affair
69:09with the siren of the exhaust center,
69:11and you've offended my neighbors!
69:13-[Woman] People are trying to sleep.
69:15- Shut up!
69:17- Calm down, just calm down, alright?
69:22Alright, fair enough.
69:26I'm sorry.
69:29- Sorry?
69:30- Yes.
69:33I'm sorry.
69:38Look, is there anything I can do to help?
69:41- Yes, piss off!
69:45- You just listen to me, you ungrateful little dipstick.
69:48I struggled over here in the middle of the night
69:49just to help you, and I was on a promise!
69:53- You listen to me.
69:55I don't want your help.
69:57I don't want your favors, your assistance, or your advice.
70:01I don't want nothing off you for the rest of my life.
70:07- I was only trying to do the best
70:10for Cassandra and you.
70:12- Yeah, and to make sure you got all that
70:14printing done on the cheap.
70:19- You don't really believe that, do you, Rodney?
70:24- Probably not.
70:29See you.
70:51Del.
70:56- What?
70:58- I've locked myself out.
71:01- Done what?
71:02- I've left me key upstairs.
71:03- Well, press the buzzer on the intercom
71:05and tell Cassandra.
71:06- She won't let me in.
71:08- No, it know, but it might cheer her up a bit.
71:15- This whole thing hasn't gone quite as well as I'd like.
71:19- Yeah, well,
71:22well that's jealousy for you, bruv.
71:26Very dangerous thing.
71:30- We've nosed this right up, haven't we?
71:33- So what's new?
71:38- What am I going to do, Del?
71:50- Come on, Rodney.
71:52Come on.
71:54Let's go home.
71:56("Somebody Who Loves You" by Joan Armatrading)
71:57♫ I don't know what you're thinking
72:02♫ Should I stay or say goodbye
72:09♫ You blow smoke on the ceiling
72:15♫ You don't wanna look into my eyes
72:20♫ You've got somebody who loves you
72:25♫ But now I wanna see you fan the fire
72:33♫ Wrap the sheets around you
72:35♫ With me hugged up inside
72:39♫ I wanna see you fan the fire
72:44♫ Come on stoke the blaze
72:46♫ And don't run for cover
72:52♫ You've got somebody who loves you
72:55♫ Somebody loves you
73:08♫ I wanna see you fan the fire
73:14♫ Come on stoke the blaze and don't run for cover
73:19♫ Mistakes and shyness can be costly