Only Fools and Horses S00E11 — Miami Twice the American Dream (1)

Every line from “Miami Twice the American Dream (1)” (1178 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ If you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions
00:15♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ Where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But he's the one who's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la la
00:40- Mighty and everlasting God,
00:42we give thee humble thanks
00:44that thou has vouchsafed to call us to the knowledge
00:47of thy grace and faith in need.
00:49(Damien crying)
00:50I use this knowledge and confirm this faith in us ever more.
00:54Give thy holy sprit to this infant
00:56that he may be born again and be made an heir
00:59of everlasting salvation.
01:02Through our lord Jesus Christ, who liveth and reigneth
01:05with thee and the holy spirit now and forever, amen.
01:11(Damien crying)
01:12Godparents, please.
01:14- Do you remember what you've got to say?
01:15- Yeah.
01:35- Be careful, Rodney.
01:37Drop him and I'll drop you.
01:42He dropped a whole Royal Doulton dinner service once.
01:46Nearly ruined it.
01:47- Shut up.
01:49- Well.
01:51- Look at his little face.
01:54(Damien crying)
01:57- Dearly beloved, ye have brought this child here
01:59to be baptized.
02:01Ye have prayed that our lord Jesus Christ
02:03will vouchsafe to receive him--
02:06- Going down to the pub, Alan?
02:08- Oh yeah, we'll be there.
02:12- Going down the pub?
02:15- Gotta be polite to Raquel and Del.
02:18Just to wet the baby's head.
02:20- Roughly translated, that means I can't wait
02:22to get down the Nag's Head and get legless with Del.
02:26- Take your time, Pam.
02:27We've got to christen the baby first.
02:32- Did you hear that?
02:34- Yes.
02:35Why are you always on about me getting drunk?
02:38When was the last time that happened?
02:39- The last time you went down the Nag's Head with Del.
02:44- And obediently keep his commandments.
02:47Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works?
02:56- We renounce them all.
02:57- Dost thou renounce the vain pomp and glory
03:00and the carnal desires of the flesh?
03:05- Yes.
03:07- No.
03:10I renounce them all.
03:12- Oh, yeah, me too.
03:15- Lovely, isn't it?
03:16- Stunning.
03:20- Do you feel anything?
03:23- Yes, I feel a great urgency to get out of here
03:25as soon as possible and finish my packing.
03:27You do realize we're going on holiday tomorrow.
03:30- I finished all the packing.
03:31Stop moaning, Boycie, or I'm gonna get annoyed.
03:37Do you remember Tyler's christening?
03:39- Yeah.
03:41Better church than this, wasn't it?
03:44- Godparents, will you please name this child?
03:48- Yes, it's Damien Derek Trotter.
03:53- Damien Derek?
03:54- Yes.
03:58- Damien Derek.
04:01- Fine.
04:09(Damien crying)
04:11I baptize thee, Damien Derek,
04:14in the name of the father and the son
04:17and of the holy spirit.
04:19We receive this child in the congregation of Christ's flock
04:23and design him with the sign of the cross.
04:25"O Fortuna" by Carl Orff)
04:29- What's wrong with you?
04:40- Oi, oi, oi, mind the paint work, will you?
04:43- Come on, Mickey, get a move on.
04:45- I'm just setting the automatic timer.
04:48- He's no David Bailey, is he?
04:50- David Bailey, more like Bathed Daily.
04:54- Ready.
04:55Everybody smile.
04:57Smile, Trigger.
04:59- I am smiling.
05:03(camera shutter clicks)
05:07- Thank you very much, reverend.
05:08That was a cracking display.
05:10- It was a beautiful ceremony, thank you.
05:11- My pleasure.
05:13Perhaps I'll be seeing you two again
05:14in the near future?
05:16- Us two?
05:17You mean a wedding?
05:17Don't hold your breath on it, son.
05:18She's still married.
05:20- Legally separated.
05:21I'm waiting for my divorce to come through.
05:23- Almost, pucker.
05:26- When or if you need me, I'll be here.
05:28God bless you both.
05:30- Thank you, reverend. - Thanks very much, reverend.
05:32Oh by the way, reverend, I'll be in to see you in a minute.
05:35I've got something I want to talk to you about.
05:36- Yes, of course.
05:37I'll be inside.
05:39- What do you want to see him about?
05:40- Just a bit of business, sweetheart, bit of business.
05:42- Business?
05:43How can you discuss business here?
05:44This is a church.
05:46- Come on, Raquel.
05:47Even churches have got to make profits.
05:50Have you read your Bible recently?
05:52- Have you?
05:54- No.
05:56But I remember our RE teacher reading it to us once
05:58and there is a chapter in the Bible
06:00actually called the Book of Profits.
06:04Don't tell me that God doesn't know a bit about business.
06:08- No, it doesn't mean profit.
06:10- Lovely christening, Raquel.
06:12One of the nicest I've been to.
06:14- Thanks, Marlene.
06:15- I bought you a little present.
06:17It's one of them baby intercoms.
06:18So's you can hear Damien if he cries at night.
06:22You can even talk back to him from the living room.
06:25Let him hear mommy's voice, you know.
06:27You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del?
06:28- Hm?
06:29Yeah, no problem, I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow.
06:33Listen, I'll leave you two girls to have a chin wag.
06:35I'll see you later.
06:37- Listen, Del, I'm gonna shoot off now, mate,
06:39and open up the pub.
06:40Listen, about this christening do I'm putting on for you,
06:43I'm a bit concerned, mate.
06:44- Don't be, Michael.
06:45I've got every faith in you.
06:46- No, no, I'm concerned about the money.
06:49You wouldn't like to actually pay me now
06:51or at least give me a deposit?
06:53- How dare you, Michael, talk business here,
06:56outside a church?
06:58It's a church.
07:00Cor blimey.
07:06-[Raquel] So you're off on holiday tomorrow.
07:07- Yeah, we're going to the States.
07:09We fly to Washington, then down to Atlantic City
07:12for a week, and then on to Florida.
07:15- Stop it, you're making me jealous.
07:17- Well, it's not gonna be that good.
07:19Boycie is going with me.
07:26Look at poor little Rodney.
07:28Is he still living at your flat?
07:29- He stays with me and Del from Monday to Friday,
07:32then he spends the weekends with Cassandra.
07:34- He only sees her at weekends?
07:36- Yeah.
07:38- I suppose he's more fun than fishing.
07:48- Rodney.
07:50- Hi, Alan.
07:59- So.
08:02How's the new job?
08:04- What new job?
08:06- Working for Del.
08:07- Oh, that, fine.
08:09We've gone international now.
08:11Del is very big in Eastern Europe.
08:12- Oh, that's right.
08:13He was telling me he's got contacts in Warsaw.
08:16- No, Walsall.
08:19Yeah, but this bloke's cousin is an exporter in Romania.
08:23- Oh, Romania.
08:26Good.
08:28How are you getting on with--
08:35- She's just going down the pub.
08:37I said I'd see her there later.
08:38You going down for one?
08:40- Oh, yeah, yeah, just for a quick one.
08:43- Just a quick one.
08:44I know you too well.
08:45- Honestly, it will be just a quick one.
08:46I've had my orders.
08:48By the way, I've got something for you.
08:50- What's that?
08:51- It's a check.
08:53Remember when you first started to work for me,
08:54you joined the firm's pension scheme?
08:56They finally came up with your repayments.
08:58Now I've had a talk to the insurance company
09:00and they say if you like, you can keep the policy open.
09:03In the long term, it might prove to be the basis
09:05for a nice little nest egg for later years.
09:07- That's really nice of you, Alan.
09:09Yeah, I'm gonna take you up on that offer.
09:11- I knew you'd say that.
09:12- I'm not one of these grab the money and run merchants.
09:15My philosophy has always been look after the future now.
09:19- My sentiments exactly.
09:21So let's see.
09:22935 pounds invested in a policy
09:25attracting a gross annual interest of--
09:27- 935 pound?
09:29I'll take that now, Alan.
09:31- What about the future?
09:32- What future?
09:33I work for Del.
09:37- I don't quite understand what you mean, Mr. Trotter.
09:39- Let me try to explain.
09:40Let me see.
09:42What would you do if you had an extra 10
09:44or 20,000 pounds a year coming in?
09:49- Build a new youth club.
09:51Buy a minibus for the old folks' outings.
09:53I'm afraid I'm not used to making decisions
09:54of that magnitude.
09:56- I can change all that, reverend.
09:57I've come up with an idea that can revolutionize
09:59your fundraising mechanism.
10:02What do you put in there?
10:04- Communion wine.
10:05- Yeah, I know.
10:06But before you pour it in, it's not communion wine, is it?
10:08- No, it's ordinary wine until I bless it.
10:10- Until you bless it, exactly.
10:12Now then, tell me, how long does it take to bless it?
10:15- Two or three minutes.
10:16- Two or three minutes, right.
10:18Let's call it what?
10:19Say three minutes.
10:20That's three minutes, three times a day.
10:22That's three threes a night, nine minutes a day,
10:24seven days a week, because I know you blokes,
10:26you work on Sundays and all, don't you?
10:29It works out about one hour a week, times 52.
10:35That works out to about two days a year
10:37that you lose just blessing wine.
10:39That's not including the trip down to Oddbins to pick it up.
10:43I reckon that you lose about, what,
10:45say one week every year, just blessing wine.
10:47- Possibly.
10:48- No, positively.
10:49You just think about it.
10:51Think of all the other clergymen all over the country
10:53who are also losing one week every year.
10:57We must be losing months and months of vicar hours.
11:02Just think of all the good works you could do
11:05with all them lost months.
11:08- I never thought of it like that.
11:09- I have and I tell you, it has been bothering me.
11:12Come sit down here, reverend.
11:14Just a minute, that's all right.
11:15Just sit down a minute, let me explain.
11:18I've worked out a way which I can give back
11:21that precious quality time.
11:24- How?
11:25- Are you ready for this?
11:28Trotter's Pre-Blessed Wine.
11:31- Trotter's Pre-Blessed Wine?
11:33- Yes.
11:34It's like the holy version of sliced bread.
11:39Look, I've got this mate of mine,
11:41I have this mate of mine, he's a vintner up north
11:44and he's shipping in this new range of Romanian wine.
11:48- Romanian wine?
11:49- It's going to be all the rage, don't worry about it.
11:50The idea is this.
11:51They drive it straight up from Tilbury to here,
11:53where you will bless it by the lorry load.
11:56Then we'll ship it out to all the churches
11:58and all the cathedrals all over the country.
12:00Once we're up and running, there'd be no stopping us.
12:02Where are we now?
12:04It's nearly 1992.
12:05This time next year, we'll be exporting all over Europe.
12:08And here is the brick on top of the chimbley, right?
12:12We get it at 1.39 a bottle.
12:15We knock it out at two pound 50..
12:17The church will rejoicing, the flock will be redeemed,
12:19and you and I will be a knicker and a bit in front.
12:23Everyone's a winner.
12:24Rain the dare, rain the fare as they say in Lewins.
12:28- Yes.
12:29I could see how it could save time.
12:30- Time, of course it can save time,
12:32and time is money.
12:33Money that is much better spent on roofs
12:36and orphans and organs.
12:37That is my motto.
12:39- It's very commendable of you, Mr. Trotter,
12:41but I'm slightly stunned.
12:44- Yes, of course you are.
12:45Of course you are.
12:46Now you know how the people felt
12:48when they saw the burning bush or the first pot noodle.
12:54This time next year, Thora Hird will be asking
12:56for your autograph.
13:00I know, knocks you sideways, doesn't it?
13:03It must be a sign or something like that.
13:06Anyway, listen, I'll let you think about it.
13:07In the mean time, what I'll do is I'll send in
13:09the first lorry load so you can have a bit of a practice.
13:12See if you can interest your other colleagues.
13:14Square it with the bishop, that sort of thing.
13:16You know it makes sense.
13:17By the way, listen, I just wanted to slip you this.
13:20That is for the christening, it was a belter.
13:22Bonjour for now.
13:38- Del Boy.
13:39- Ssh, please.
13:41What do you want?
13:42- I've heard there's some business going down.
13:44I was just wondering if there's something in it for me.
13:46I'm the managing director of my own firm now.
13:49- I'm very impressed, Mickey.
13:51No, there's nothing in it for you.
13:52I'm doing this for charity.
13:54- If you hear a sign, let us know, eh?
13:56I've always done you a good turn.
13:58- When have you ever done anything for me?
14:02- I'll do you some good turns in the future then.
14:04Just remember, if you need any help.
14:07- Thank you very much, Mickey,
14:08I'll bear it in mind.
14:12Wait a minute.
14:13Wait a minute.
14:16I was wondering.
14:17- What?
14:19- No, I don't think you can handle it.
14:21- I can handle it.
14:22No sweat.
14:23What is it?
14:26- Well, little bit out of your normal area, this, Mickey.
14:31As long as you're not frightened of a challenge.
14:33- There's nothing I like better than a challenge.
14:36I'm your man.
14:37- All right, put it there.
14:40It's a deal.
14:41Come with me and I'll tell you what I want you to do.
14:43- My firm is the throes of expansion.
14:46I was computerized three months ago.
14:48- Were you?
14:50I thought you had a bit of a limp.
14:58(car engine running)
15:02(car engine stops)
15:16Ooh!
15:19Sweetheart, what's the matter?
15:21- I've never been so embarrassed.
15:23I just wish you could choose your parents.
15:25- Oh no, it's not Alan again, is it?
15:28- It's always the same when we have family parties.
15:30A couple of drinks and that's all it takes.
15:35- You ought to stay off the scotch.
15:39- I haven't been on the scotch.
15:40I've been on the shandies.
15:49Come on.
15:50- Kissy kissy, Del.
15:56- Just take her home, Daddy.
15:58- Yeah, what do I do with her then?
15:59- I've got a length of rope in the back of the van.
16:04- Come on.
16:10- Woo.
16:11- How am I going to live the embarrassment down?
16:13- You better have a word with Rodney.
16:14He's had years of experience.
16:18I'm sorry.
16:18Anyway, talking about Rodney, what is it between you two?
16:21He's well guarded about his Saturday and Sunday arrangement.
16:24What's happened between you two?
16:26- It's private, Del.
16:27- All right, I won't stick my nose in.
16:30But if you want to talk, either of you, I'm here.
16:33You know me, I'm straight down the line.
16:34No old bull and no porgies.
16:37- Thanks Del.
16:39Is Damien back at the flat?
16:40- Oh, yeah, yeah.
16:41- Who's babysitting?
16:43- Mickey Pearce.
16:59- Is that the holiday brochure?
17:01- Yes, look, these are the hotels we're staying at.
17:04- I don't believe that woman.
17:05How many times I've got tell her
17:08to keep quiet about this holiday.
17:10- Why's that then, Boycie?
17:11- I don't want every cat burglar in Peckham
17:14to know that my house is gonna be empty for three weeks,
17:16do I?
17:17I'm security conscious these days.
17:19That's why I haven't ordered a minicab
17:21to take us to the airport.
17:23Del Boy is doing it.
17:24I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us.
17:28- But they were all busy, were they?
17:31- That's right, so I had to ask Del.
17:33Mind you, you've got to hand it to him.
17:35He's put on a good spread here today.
17:37- What do you mean, he's put on a good spread?
17:39This is all on the slate.
17:41I've got so many of these slates under here
17:42I could retile my bloody roof.
17:46- We'll pay you, no worries.
17:48- Yeah, Del said a big check arrived.
17:50- What about that now?
17:52- 935 quid. - See.
17:54- I saw the check.
17:55-[Michael] I saw an advert for the RAC
17:57but I still broke down.
18:07- You looking for that?
18:07What'd you leave that in your jacket for?
18:09Someone could have taken it.
18:10- Somebody did bloody take it.
18:13- This could have been nicked, forged, and cashed
18:15before you could say marriage guidance counselor.
18:18- Shut up.
18:19- That's it.
18:20I'm taking this down and I'm paying this
18:21in your account next week.
18:22- Yes, all right.
18:24- How are things between you and Cassandra?
18:26- All right.
18:27- You don't seem to be talking to her very much.
18:29- We haven't got much to say to each other.
18:30- What's the matter, Rodney?
18:32What's the problem between you two?
18:34- It's private.
18:36- You used to confide in me.
18:37Now you tell me nothing.
18:39I might be able to help you.
18:40- Del, watch my lips.
18:41It is private, all right?
18:43I'll sort it out in my own way.
18:44- All right, you watch my lips.
18:46You'll sort nothing out without talking about it.
18:48- All right. - All right.
18:49Go on, go and enjoy yourself.
18:50- I will. - Good.
18:52Man, give me a pina colada with a straight one, will ya?
18:57- Problems, Dave?
18:59- I don't want to talk about it, Trig.
19:01You ever been wrongly accused of something?
19:03- Yeah, once.
19:06- How'd you get out of it?
19:07- I didn't.
19:08I was guilty.
19:14- All right, Boycie, here's what I mean.
19:15I'm gonna take you down to the airport in style.
19:17You'll go in my Capri Gear.
19:18What time do you want me to pick you up?
19:19- About 11 o'clock.
19:20The plane leaves at 1:30.
19:23- Don't think I'd go to America.
19:24- What is wrong with America?
19:26- It's violent, isn't it?
19:27- You've been watching too much telly.
19:30- I'm telling you.
19:31They're on the verge of a drugs war over there.
19:33- Oh, get out.
19:35Who told you that?
19:37- I saw a program on the telly.
19:38- On the telly!
19:40- See what I mean.
19:41Soppy as a sack.
19:44I'll bet he sent a note of sympathy
19:46to Rita Fairclough when her old lady snuffed it.
19:50- You know what, he closed the pub for a week
19:51when Daphne in Neighbors died.
19:54- When I say a program on the telly--
19:56- I don't think you should laugh about things like that.
20:00- Hey?
20:02- The dead can't defend themselves.
20:05- No no, you see, Trig--
20:07- She had a three month old baby.
20:10- Who did?
20:11Rita Fairclough?
20:12- I'm talking about Daphne.
20:15- Yeah, sorry, Trig.
20:17It was tragic.
20:21- I've made my point.
20:27- Sorry about that, Trig.
20:31- You've got to be very careful.
20:32Trig gets very emotional.
20:34He's Italian on his dad's friend's side.
20:38- When I say a program on the telly,
20:41I'm not talking about Hill Street Blues or Magnum.
20:44This was Panorama.
20:45- Panorama, oh my.
20:48- Listen, they got contract killers on the loose over there.
20:50- How's that gonna affect Boycie?
20:51He's going with Thomas Cook.
20:54- Michael, I hardly think some hitman
20:56is going to have a pop at two British tourists.
20:59- Yeah, if he does, he better do it in the evening.
21:01One look at at Marlene when she gets out of bed
21:03is enough to make anyone run a mile.
21:06That woman can put the frights up Hannibal Lector.
21:09- I like that, Del.
21:12- How do you know what Marlene looks like
21:13when she gets out of bed?
21:14- Your milkman told me.
21:21(siren blaring)
21:31- Hi.
21:32- Hi.
21:35- Lovely evening.
21:37- Mm.
21:40- Good time for a chat?
21:42- If it's got anything to do with uniforms,
21:43the answer is no.
21:44- Ssh, it's got nothing to do with uniforms.
21:49- I'm not dressing up as a Victorian maid for anyone.
21:54- I had a few drinks and I said something stupid.
21:57There's no reason to kick me out of the flat.
21:59Haven't you ever said something stupid?
22:02- Yeah, a couple of years ago.
22:03I said "I do."
22:07- That's not fair, Cass.
22:09- I didn't mean it.
22:11I'm sorry.
22:14- I won't mention uniforms again, promise.
22:18- All right then.
22:20- Well, glad the christening went off all right.
22:23- I thought it was really moving.
22:25Such a lovely baby.
22:27- Lovely?
22:29He's always biting me.
22:31He takes chunks of flesh out of me arms.
22:34- You liar.
22:35He smiled when he saw you.
22:36- Yeah, because he thought "Here comes elevensies."
22:42- He's a beautiful little thing.
22:44- It's easy for you to say.
22:45You haven't got to live in the same flat as him.
22:50Sorry.
22:51I wasn't trying to--
22:54You know.
22:55- You don't live at Del's all the time.
22:58We spend the weekends together.
23:00- Oh yeah, we spend weekends together.
23:03- Don't start, Roddy.
23:05We discussed all our problems with the relate counselor.
23:08And you remember what she said after she stopped laughing.
23:12She advised us to try and get back together gradually,
23:15by just spending the weekends together at first.
23:17- You must be joking.
23:19- The offer still holds.
23:20It's up to you, Roddy.
23:22Do you think we could change the subject?
23:24- Yes, sorry.
23:28How are things at the bank?
23:30Heard anything about your promotion?
23:32- Not yet, but I'm definitely on the short list.
23:36I've been invited to the company's seminar in Eastbourne.
23:39- Seminar in Eastbourne, ooh.
23:42Sorry.
23:46It's important then, is it, this seminar?
23:48- It's where the final interviews will be held.
23:52- Here's to your future.
23:54- Ours.
23:56- Yeah.
23:58- Don't look like that.
24:00Please.
24:03This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
24:06- That's just it.
24:06Everybody is celebrating.
24:09Boycie and Marlene are off to the States.
24:11Del and Raquel have just christened a chavvy.
24:14- That could be us in a while.
24:19- What, a baby?
24:21- No, I meant we could go to America.
24:23It's always been an ambition of mine.
24:25Once I get my promotion, we could put some money aside
24:27and we could have a holiday in California or Florida.
24:32- Yeah, when?
24:33- I don't know.
24:34Couple of years.
24:39- Cosmic.
24:45-[Trigger] There must be thousands of trees in the world.
24:48- It's not just a bunch of trees, Trig.
24:50It's the Brazilian rainforest, the lungs of the world.
24:54And they are destroying it at the rate of 25 acres a day.
24:57- Where is that, exactly?
24:59- Huh?
25:00- Where is the Brazilian rainforest?
25:03- It's on the outskirts of London.
25:04Come on, Trig, it's in Brazil.
25:08- Ah, Albert, there you are.
25:10Listen, I booked you a front row seat at the lawn drama.
25:13Go on, away you go.
25:14Rodney, I want a word with you.
25:17A decaffeinated cappuccino and a jam donut, will ya?
25:22- They're talking about that bleeding rainforest again.
25:24That's the fourth time this week
25:25Rodney has given a lecture in my caf.
25:27- It's all right, he's worried about our world, isn't he?
25:30Wouldn't do you any harm to show a bit more care.
25:32Look at that.
25:33- It's fossil fuels.
25:34People do not realize the damage they are doing
25:36to this planet.
25:38- I don't have none of them in my house.
25:39I use gas and oil.
25:44- Trig, they are fossil fuels.
25:45- Are they?
25:47Well, I'll switch to coal in the future.
25:51- Coal is the same.
25:53- I had a coal burner fitted in my place.
25:55It's not as dead as you think, you know, Rodney.
25:57- Put it on Rodney's slate, will ya?
25:58-[Rodney] I don't know how many bloody trees
25:59there are, Trig.
26:00They're just cutting them down.
26:02- Rodney, Rodders, leave it out.
26:04You'll never turn this lot green
26:06as long as you got a hole in your ozone.
26:11Exciting news to tell you in private.
26:13Come down here.
26:14Private, please, do you mind, thank you.
26:16- I give up on you two.
26:20So frustrating trying to make people understand
26:22what is happening on this planet.
26:24- I know, gives me a right hump and all.
26:26- They are more concerned with a postcard
26:28from Boycie and Marlene.
26:29- Oh, dear.
26:30We had one of those this morning.
26:31Look at that.
26:33It's a lovely hotel, isn't it?
26:35- Del.
26:37All right, what's the exciting news, then?
26:39- Oh yes.
26:40I went down the bank this morning to pay in your check.
26:43I would have done it earlier, but, you know,
26:45I've been having trouble with my wine deal
26:46and what have you, thanks very much.
26:48- You have paid it in.
26:49- Of course I have.
26:50You gotta look after that money, Rodney.
26:51I don't want you sending it all off to Sting, do I?
26:54While I was down there,
26:57I bumped into Cassandra, who was just going for lunch,
27:00so I joined her.
27:01While I was having lunch, I had this great idea
27:04on your behalf, because I know how much you like to travel.
27:07- I'm not going to Romania.
27:10Your wine shipment has developed problems.
27:12- Who told you that?
27:13Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest last night
27:15and when you come off the phone,
27:16you was all pale and sweaty.
27:18- It's nothing I can't handle.
27:20It's just a little hiccup
27:21with the old translation, that's all.
27:23Anyway, this idea was for you and Cassandra.
27:24We got talking.
27:26We was talking about Boycie and Marlene.
27:29It worked out that Cassandra would love to go to America.
27:34On the way down here, I called in to Alex's,
27:37you know, the travel agent in the high street.
27:39He has got a once in a lifetime op,
27:41never to be repeated.
27:43It's a giveaway, Rodney.
27:45Return tickets to Miami, 250 smackeroos.
27:50- That's a monkey before you got a bed for the night, innit?
27:53- Here's the cherry on top of the cake.
27:56Two go for the price of one.
27:59Think about it, Rodney.
28:00You and Cassandra, spending a week on Miami Beach.
28:05- Miami.
28:07I could never afford it.
28:09- Of course you can afford it.
28:10What are you talking about?
28:12You got your Maxwell money, haven't you?
28:14- My what?
28:16- Maxwell, your pension money.
28:21- Miami.
28:23Two for the price of one.
28:24- Rodney, just think about it.
28:26She'll love it, she will, I know that.
28:29Just imagine how Cassandra's gonna feel
28:31when you announce your holiday of a lifetime.
28:33She'll be all over you like a wretch.
28:37I mean, is that a brilliant idea
28:39or is it just right wonderful?
28:42- Bloody hell, it's a cosmic idea.
28:44You should let me have the time off.
28:45- You can have the time off.
28:47- Nice.
28:48What about Cassie?
28:50- It's all right, don't worry about her,
28:51because the bank, they owe her a couple free weeks holiday.
28:53She told me.
28:54You're up and running, bruv.
28:57- I better go and phone her,
28:58just to make sure it's all right.
28:59- No, don't phone her.
29:00No, don't phone her, no no no.
29:03Sit down now.
29:04You take her out for dinner,
29:06and then when you get to the old coffee
29:08and the Grand Marnier steaks,
29:11you throw the tickets down on the table
29:13and you say, "Darling, I'm taking you to Miami."
29:17You'll knock her bandy.
29:21- I better get down to that travel agent's a bit sharply.
29:23- No no, don't go down there, no no.
29:26Stay there.
29:27Save the shoe leather, Rodney.
29:28Because you see, I got them for you.
29:33- You are a diamond.
29:37How did you know I wanted them?
29:40- I just thought even a plonker like you
29:41wouldn't turn your nose up at a deal like this.
29:44- I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes.
29:46I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years.
29:49How did you afford it?
29:50I thought you were skint.
29:51- I am, I took one of your checks down to the bank
29:52and cashed it.
29:53- You took money out of my account?
29:55- Don't you dare thank me.
29:59It's not a big deal.
30:01I can forge your signature as easy as that.
30:11All right?
30:12- Yeah, lovely, son.
30:15- Where is everyone?
30:17- Little one is in his cot, Raquel is cooking the tea,
30:19Rodney's taking Cassandra out to dinner.
30:22He's gonna tell her about Miami.
30:25I'd love to be there and see her face.
30:27- So would I.
30:31All right, oi, oi.
30:34Have any calls for me?
30:36- Calls?
30:37- Yes, you know, has the telephone rung
30:38and a voice asked to speak to me?
30:40- Not that I'm aware of.
30:42- Right, good, thank God for that.
30:44- Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today.
30:47I was walking past the church,
30:48you know, the one where we held the christening,
30:50and there was a big articulated lorry parked in the grass.
30:55There was some sort of German writing on the side.
30:58And the back doors were open,
31:00full up with cases of wine, it was.
31:03That vicar, the one what christened Damien,
31:06he was making the sign of the cross
31:08and saying a prayer to this lorry.
31:12- Funny old world, isn't it, eh?
31:16Listen to me.
31:17Anyone phones or calls around here and asks for me,
31:18I'm not in, all right?
31:20- When you say anyone, do you mean particularly
31:22people with Romanian accents?
31:23- Hello, sweetheart.
31:25Didn't hear you crease in.
31:27I didn't mean people with Romanian accents.
31:30I just thought I ought to maintain
31:32a bit of a low profile for a while.
31:35Anyway, I better go and take a look at Damien.
31:37- You dare.
31:38It's taken me over an hour to get him to sleep.
31:40- All right, all right.
31:41Well, I think I'll make myself a Singapore sling
31:44to unwind, and then I'll take a nice, hot bath.
31:47(door slams)
31:48- Rodney's back.
31:51- Come on then, what's Cassandra say?
31:54- I'm going to bed.
31:56- Everything all right, bruv?
31:58- Oh, brilliant.
31:59Bloody brilliant.
32:01Cassandra cannot come to Miami with me.
32:03- Why not?
32:05- Because she is busy that week.
32:08- Doing what?
32:09- She has to attend the bank's seminar
32:12in bloody Eastbourne.
32:14Can you believe that?
32:15She's giving up a trip to Miami
32:17for some crappy interview so she can become an executive.
32:21- That girl ought to get her priorities right.
32:24- Let's be fair about this.
32:26- Hold on, let's be fair about this, Rodney.
32:28- Cassandra's told me about these interviews.
32:29They're very important to her.
32:31She's been going to college and evening school
32:32for five years now.
32:33It's all been leading to this seminar.
32:35You can't expect her to risk her future
32:36for seven days in the sun.
32:38- It's not that, Raquel.
32:40It was just my luck, innit?
32:42Any other week of the year would have been fine.
32:44But no, it had to be that week.
32:47- I know it's tough, Rodney.
32:48But it's just the way it goes.
32:50- For me it is, yeah.
32:54See you in the morning.
32:55- Goodnight, bruv.
32:59Dear oh dear oh lord.
33:01That's a bit of a body blow, isn't it?
33:03- Yeah.
33:04He was really looking forward to that, as well.
33:07- A pity he didn't phone Cassandra first,
33:09make sure everything was all right.
33:10- Yeah.
33:14Of course, I said to him, I told him to phone her.
33:18I said, "You phone her, make sure she can make that week."
33:21But he wouldn't listen, you know what he's like, don't you?
33:24- It's a shame.
33:25- Yeah.
33:34- Stupid bank.
33:36Stupid, stupid bank.
33:50("O Fortuna" by Carl Orff)
33:56Go to sleep, Damien.
33:59Otherwise Uncle Rodney will get angry.
34:01You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
34:06You just pack it in, will ya?
34:08You don't frighten me, so just go to sleep.
34:12- What's he doing in there?
34:14- I don't know.
34:15Sounds like he's having a row with Damien.
34:18How do you work this thing?
34:20Who do you think you're talking to, Rodney?
34:22- Jesus!
34:29- What's happened?
34:34- All right?
34:35- Yeah, fine.
34:37- You look pale.
34:38- No.
34:41I was just thinking, I won't sleep in there
34:44with Damien no more because I keep snoring
34:48and waking him up.
34:51Bless him.
34:53I'll just keep down here on the sofa if that's all right.
34:56- Anything you like, bruv.
34:57- I'll just have a quick shower, then I'll hit the sack.
34:59(Damien crying)
35:03Sorry.
35:04- It's all right, I'm used to it.
35:06- All right, you're going, love?
35:07All right.
35:16You was really looking forward
35:17to going to Miami, weren't you?
35:19- I had dreams, you know, what it would be like.
35:23- You get your money back though, son?
35:25- No, I won't.
35:26Tickets are nonrefundable.
35:28- You're still going though, aren't you?
35:29- Of course I ain't.
35:31- Of course you are, Rodney, you gotta go.
35:32Otherwise Cassandra will think you're nothing but a puppet
35:35that can't do anything unless she pulls your strings.
35:38- I'll be all on me own.
35:40- Your own.
35:41You're only going for a week, aren't you?
35:42Think about him.
35:44He was all on his own once for three months
35:46on an uninhabited island.
35:50Of course, it wasn't uninhabited when he arrived,
35:51but that's another story.
35:54Listen, Rodney, you gotta go.
35:55You gotta prove to Cassandra that you're a man
35:58and you're not frightened to stand on your own two feet
36:00in the big, wide world.
36:02- You know, you're right.
36:04- So you're going, son?
36:07- Possibly.
36:13- He won't go, will he?
36:14- Of course he'll go, Unc.
36:16You know why?
36:18Because I'm going with him.
36:22- There you are.
36:25You've got a lovely cot, haven't you?
36:27You're all warm and happy.
36:31We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we?
36:34Can't go to Miami now.
36:37It's a shame.
36:39Shall I put your mobile on for you?
36:41The one Daddy bought you?
36:43Yeah?
36:46You've got a lovely Daddy, haven't you?
36:48Buying you all these nice presents.
36:53Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney.
36:57You wouldn't mind, would you?
37:00He'd only be gone for a week.
37:05Wonder where your dad got that from.
37:09It's a mystery like so many things.
37:15- What about Raquel?
37:16Can you persuade her?
37:18- Can Fergie ski?
37:20I only want to go for a week in Miami.
37:22It's not like I'm taking a six month exhibition
37:24at the jungle, is it?
37:26- My Ada weren't too happy when I told her
37:28I was going abroad.
37:30- That was because you joined the Navy
37:32and went round the world seven bloody times.
37:34No wonder the poor gal got the needle.
37:39- Mommy's just outside.
37:42I'll switch your little box on in case you need me.
37:45-[Del] All I want to do is go to Miami with Rodney
37:46for seven days.
37:49He's got a ticket going begging.
37:52Raquel has been to America, hasn't she?
37:54What about me?
37:55Been nowhere.
37:57Benidorm and Bognor, that's me.
38:01I'm sure it will be all right.
38:03Raquel will be OK, you see.
38:06We'll work her.
38:07Everything will be cushty.
38:09- I wouldn't be surprised if she puts the block on you.
38:12- Leave it, Uncle.
38:14I'm the governor in this house.
38:15I should just tell her.
38:17I should just say, "Raquel, I'm gonna go to Miami
38:19"with my brother, like it or lump it."
38:21Pick the bones out of that, darling.
38:25You all right, sweetheart?
38:28- He settled down.
38:29- Del's got something to tell you, love.
38:31-[Raquel] Oh yeah, what's that?
38:36- That program you want to watch on the television,
38:37the film is just about to start in a minute.
38:39Come on, come on, sit down.
38:41- Dinner's in the oven.
38:42- Don't worry about that.
38:43I like it all baked up.
38:46There we go.
38:47Can I get you a drink?
38:48- No thanks.
38:49- All right then.
38:49Then you go.
38:50Are you nice and comfy there?
38:52There you are, darling.
38:54Cushty.
38:58Come on then.
38:58Come to your lover.
39:00That's it.
39:09Oh, it's a shame, isn't it?
39:15- Mm.
39:19- Yes, it's a crying bloody shame.
39:24- What is?
39:25- Poor little Rodney.
39:27- You mean those tickets to Miami, son.
39:29- Yes, that's right, Unc.
39:30Cassandra, she can't go with him now,
39:32so he won't be able to go.
39:36- Can't Rodney go on his own?
39:37- No, definitely not.
39:38- I went to America on my own.
39:39- I know that.
39:40But you've got a bit of savvy, haven't you?
39:41You couldn't have Rodney Trotter and Dan Quayle
39:43on the same continent.
39:46No, he needs someone to look after him.
39:50Trouble is, that's it, isn't it?
39:51What can you do?
39:53- Mm.
39:59- Poor little Rodney.
40:02- I've got an idea.
40:03- What's that, Unc?
40:04- Why don't he take someone with him?
40:06- That's a good idea.
40:09Surprised you didn't think of that.
40:11- So am I.
40:13The trouble is--
40:15- Who. - Who.
40:17- What about Mickey Pearce?
40:25- That's a great idea.
40:26Brilliant, brilliant idea.
40:27The trouble is, the tickets are made out
40:30in the name of Trotter and they're not transferrable.
40:33- You mean he's got to go with someone named Trotter?
40:35- Exactly.
40:38Exactly.
40:40Oh dear.
40:42Poor little Rodney.
40:49- Why don't you go with him, Del?
40:50- Me?
40:53- Yeah, your name is Trotter.
40:56- Yes, yes.
40:58That's great, yeah.
40:59But--
41:01- But what?
41:02- No, I couldn't go and leave you
41:04and little Damien on your own.
41:06- I'd be here.
41:08- Yeah, that's like asking McDonald's
41:10to look after your cow, isn't it?
41:14- It's only for a week.
41:15I think Damien and I could just about manage to survive.
41:18- No no, I couldn't do that, darling,
41:19because I'm not that sort of bloke.
41:21I'd be worried sick.
41:23- All right, don't want to make you ill.
41:30- On the other hand, I don't want to be selfish.
41:33- I couldn't imagine you being that, Del.
41:34- No no, the thing is, this is a chance of a lifetime
41:37for little Rodney, the poor little cork.
41:41As it was my idea, I feel partly to blame.
41:44- Go to Miami, Del.
41:47- Really?
41:48- Really, you'll love it.
41:52- Terrific.
41:55(Del chuckling)
41:59Of course I'm not really looking forward to it.
42:03No, I'm only doing it for--
42:04-[Both] Poor little Rodney.
42:09- You know what, Raquel?
42:12You've got a heart of a diamond, you have.
42:15You know you remind me of?
42:16You remind me so much of my mum.
42:19- Thanks.
42:22- I'll bring you back a blinding present.
42:25- Rodney, Del's got some good news for you.
42:28- Yeah, what's that?
42:29- I'm coming to Miami with you.
42:32- No you bloody ain't.
42:37- Hey?
42:38- I'm not going on holiday with you.
42:41- Excuse me, excuse me.
42:43Rodney, can I have a word with you
42:45in the executive board room please?
42:47- Sure whatever you want.
42:49- Sorry about this.
42:50He's just a little mixed up.
42:52I'll soon straighten him out, OK, thank you.
42:56- You've got bloody nerve.
42:57- Ssh, Damien.
43:06What's the matter with you, Rodney?
43:06What is your problem?
43:08- Del, I am not flying 4,000 miles
43:10across the Atlantic Ocean with you in my ear
43:12all day and all night.
43:14I was hoping for a break from all that.
43:16You seem to forget I've been on holiday with you before.
43:20- That's charming, isn't it, eh?
43:23Absolutely charming.
43:25After all that I have done for you.
43:27Oh dear, what thanks do I get?
43:29No bloody thanks, that's the thanks I get.
43:31(Damien crying)
43:34Now look what you've done.
43:39Ssh, Damien, it's all right.
43:43Daddy's here.
43:44Raquel!
43:47Of course we've been on holiday before, Rodney.
43:48We had a bloody good time, didn't we?
43:50- No, you had a good time, Del.
43:52Everybody else within a radius of 300 yards
43:55was praying their spleen would burst.
43:57You got drunk.
43:58You shouted things at women.
43:59You got us into fights.
44:01- we were on holiday.
44:04- This time I'm looking for a more relaxing holiday.
44:07- Relaxing?
44:08I see.
44:09What you're trying to say is I'm not relaxing--
44:11I'm not relaxing?
44:14(Damien crying)
44:17Raquel, the baby is crying.
44:21Rodney, that's all different now.
44:23That was in the past, because I'm a changed man, see?
44:26The reason why I'm changed, I'm telling you.
44:27I'm a married man with a baby.
44:31I mean, I've got a baby.
44:33That's the reason why I've changed.
44:35Because I've got a son whom I cherish.
44:38-[Raquel] All right darling, I'm coming.
44:40- And there's the mother of my son whom cherishes me.
44:43-[Raquel] Don't break your back, Trotter.
44:44I'll deal with him.
44:48- Thanks sweetheart.
44:50Thank you.
44:52You're judging me by a few, what,
44:54misguided incidents, that's all.
44:57I told you, I'm changed now.
44:59Rodney, come on.
45:01You want to go to Miami, don't you?
45:03- Of course I want to go.
45:04But this time I want it to be
45:09sensible.
45:10- Sensible, of course you do.
45:13I'm sensible.
45:14Sensible is my middle name.
45:16-[Raquel] Del, will you bring me a nappy?
45:17- Yes, of course I will, sweetheart.
45:20See, see that?
45:25Look, Rodney, look.
45:28I mean look.
45:29All I want to do
45:32is just sit on a beach and relax.
45:35- Same here.
45:36- There you are.
45:38They got some blinding beaches in Miami.
45:42Yeah, and they got some fantastic art museums in Miami.
45:48- Yeah? - Oh yeah.
45:51- Wouldn't mind some of that myself.
45:52- Of course you wouldn't.
45:53Of course you can have it.
45:54Cinders.
45:55All you've got to do is say the magic words.
45:59- Yeah, but how are you going to swing it with Raquel?
46:00- How to swing it?
46:02I've already done it.
46:03I've told--
46:10I told her straight.
46:11I said I want to go to Miami with Rodney on holiday.
46:14That's what I said.
46:15I said you can like it or lump it.
46:17You can pick the bones out of that, darling.
46:18That's what I said.
46:19-[Raquel] Derek.
46:21- Coming, sweetheart.
46:23Come on, eh?
46:25You and me, eh?
46:26What do you say, yeah, yeah, eh?
46:29- Well.
46:30- Come on, say the magic words, Rodney.
46:35- Yeah, all right.
46:36- Yes!
46:38Good boy.
46:40That's it, you see.
46:41You know it makes sense.
46:45Where is that nappy?
46:47- See, Del, we're older now, ain't we?
46:49We can appreciate the finer things in life, eh?
46:52- What, not off.
46:56Thanks.
46:58- This time, let's be more, what's the word, sophisticated.
47:02- Yes, that's a great word.
47:03I've got another word as well.
47:04I was thinking like debonair.
47:06- Yes.
47:07Good word.
47:09- See what I mean, we're beginning to think alike, bruv.
47:11-[Raquel] Derek!
47:12- Coming, sweetheart, I'm coming, on my way.
47:16Just a minute.
47:19(Del mumbles)
47:38Have you seen it, Rodders?
47:40- Seen what?
47:41- Our plane.
47:44It's only a jumbo jet.
47:47- They usually are.
47:49This is transatlantic.
47:50- Yeah, transatlantic.
47:53-[PA Voice] Thank you for waiting, ladies and gentlemen.
47:55Would all passengers seated in rows 19 through 14
47:58please come forward to board now, thank you.
48:01- Come on Rodders, that's us.
48:02- There's no hurry, Del.
48:04- Yes there is, there is, Rodney.
48:05Come on, sooner we're on the plane,
48:06sooner old Biggles can take off.
48:15Hey, excuse me.
48:17What's your game, pal, eh?
48:19Come on, there's no rush.
48:21Blimey, anybody would think he owned the plane.
48:31Come on, come on, Rodders.
48:34♫ Everything's free in America
48:37♫ For a small fee in America
48:40Have a nice day.
48:43All right, Rodney.