Only Fools and Horses S00E12 — Miami Twice Oh to Be in England (2)

Every line from “Miami Twice Oh to Be in England (2)” (2017 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00(jazzy piano music)
00:04(rock music)
00:13(laughing)
00:14- We've done it, brothers.
00:17- Done what?
00:19- Hey?
00:20- Done what?
00:21- Done it, joined the literati.
00:23- The literata?
00:25- Hey?
00:27- Take the headphones off.
00:28- Oh.
00:31Sorry, do what?
00:32- What do you mean, we joined the literati?
00:35- Well, we have a win, we're transatlantic people,
00:38aren't we, hey?
00:39No more of that Coasta del Sewage for us, bro,
00:41we're in the big time now.
00:43- Yeah, I supposed so.
00:45Del, when we land in Miami, right?
00:48Before we go to any of the bars,
00:50or anything like that,
00:51first thing we gotta do is sort ourselves out
00:53some transport and accommodation.
00:55- It's all taken care of, brov.
00:57- Good good.
01:00- Here look, I'm gonna have a little nap.
01:02Give us a nudge when the old drinks arrive,
01:03will ya?
01:05How do you get this chair to go back?
01:07-[Woman] Oh!
01:08Look what you've done.
01:09-[Del] Uh, sorry about that.
01:11-[Woman] Well, you ruined it.
01:12-[Del] Now now now,
01:13that's all right.
01:14That'll clean off.
01:15I'll just do it.
01:16-[Woman] Well, it's dry clean only.
01:17-[Del] They only put that on the label to impress ya.
01:19- Bloody hell.
01:20-[Del] Tell ya what,
01:21give me a serviette and I'll do it.
01:22That's right, go on.
01:22It's just go up a bit.
01:23That's it, go on.
01:25(laughing)
01:26On you're own, are ya?
01:28(rock music)
03:10- Wait!
03:12(rock music)
03:28Hi, where ya?
03:30-[Man] Hello! I'm in here.
03:32- Oh God.
03:35Uh.
03:37- Well, hi, how ya doin'?
03:39- Yeah, listen,
03:40our travel agent in England,
03:42he's booked a car for us with you.
03:46- Okay.
03:47You guys on vacation?
03:48- Yeah.
03:49Week's solo.
03:50- No kiddin', you come all the way from Australia
03:52for a week?
03:55- No no no no.
03:56We're not from Australia.
03:57No.
03:58We are English.
04:00- Ah, well.
04:00Coulda fooled me (laughs).
04:03Well, I won't hold you up,
04:04I'll just bring it right around front for ya,
04:06okay?
04:07- Okay.
04:14- Oh watch out America.
04:17This is gonna be a holiday to remember, isn't it?
04:19- (laughs) You said it, brov.
04:24(light music)
04:28Here we go, Rodders.
04:29(car running)
04:37- What the hell is this thing?
04:38- All right, gents, you have a nice day now.
04:40- And you, pal.
04:41- Yeah, thank you.
04:42What are we gonna do with that?
04:44- That is where we're gonna live.
04:46Alex recommended it.
04:48See the advantage is,
04:49we don't have to stay in one spot,
04:51do we?
04:52We can move about a bit.
04:54And, it's cheap.
04:56- Del, there is no way I am gonna spend any time in this
05:00mobile ghetto with you!
05:04- We don't have to spend any time.
05:05I was only trying to save you money,
05:07and we won't be trapped, will we?
05:08Hey?
05:09Because, when we get to the campsite,
05:10we can dump this,
05:11then we can go walking, all right?
05:13- Del, we could've booked a ho ...
05:16Oh, bloody hell we ...
05:19I can't believe I've got ...
05:24All right.
05:26On one condition.
05:28- All right, sir.
05:28What is the condition?
05:30- No curries.
05:33- All right.
05:35No curries.
05:38So, come on in.
05:40Let's go and see America!
05:42Hey hey!
05:46(laughing)
05:51(laughing)
05:54Here we got Rodders.
05:55♫ Oh the yellow rose of Texas
05:59♫ Is the one I'm gonna see
06:02♫ The yellow rose of Texas
06:03♫ Is the only girl for me
06:05(car horn blaring)
06:06(screaming)
06:09- You're on the wrong side of the road! (car horn blaring)
06:12They drive on the right hand side of the road
06:14over here!
06:17- Oh yeah.
06:18(car tires squealing)
06:19♫ Oh the yellow rose of Texas (car horn blaring)
06:21♫ Is the one I'm gonna see (car horn blaring)
06:23♫ The yellow rose of Texas (car horn blaring)
06:25♫ Is the only girl for me (car horn blaring)
06:28(laughing)
06:36(slow Italian music)
06:51- Yeah, what is it?
06:53All right.
06:56Hey Tony!
06:57Lurch, Gino, smarten up!
06:59Don's left the courthouse.
07:02(slow Italian music)
08:08- Rico.
08:09- Yeah, pop?
08:12- Who are those goons in the car?
08:15- Police surveillance, pop.
08:16Nothin' to worry about.
08:18- Nothin' to worry about?
08:19I got cops sittin' outside my front gate,
08:21and there's nothin' to worry about?
08:23What happened to my civil rights?
08:26- Well, they
08:27kinda diminished after they arrested you, pop.
08:30But you been released on bail so,
08:32be happy.
08:33- Be happy.
08:35I wanna speak to my lawyer now.
08:38- Salvatore!
08:40(slow Italian music)
09:04- Salvatore.
09:08- Don Occhetti.
09:12- Salvatore.
09:15Haven't I always been good to you?
09:17- Yes, Don Occhetti.
09:18- Haven't I always done favors for your family?
09:20- Yes, Don Occhetti.
09:22- Have I ever done you any harm?
09:24- Well, there was that time when (Rico clears throat) ...
09:27No, Don Occhetti.
09:29- Hm.
09:34So maybe this time Salvatore can help me,
09:38because I'm a little confused.
09:42This is way I read the situation.
09:46You're my lawyer, correct?
09:47- Yes, Don Occhetti.
09:49- And yet, here I am,
09:50looking at three to four life sentences in the slammer.
09:55So why the hell don't you get off your ass,
09:58and bury this rap!
10:01- Well you see,
10:02we're having problems proving your innocence.
10:04- Why?
10:06- 'Cause you're guilty.
10:08Oh no.
10:09When I say guilty,
10:10what I mean is --
10:11- Guilty of what?
10:13- Kidnapping, drug smuggling,
10:15accessory to three counts of murder.
10:17Gossip, pop,
10:18just gossip.
10:20- Well maybe,
10:22maybe I made a few mistakes in the past, you know?
10:26I mean, you see, nobody's perfect.
10:28(chuckling)
10:31Now you listen to me.
10:33My father, God bless that man's spirit,
10:37when he arrived on these shores from Sicily in 1930,
10:40this was a land of democracy and law and order.
10:44Now he fought to change all that.
10:48Look at us now, huh?
10:51What have all his efforts amounted to?
10:53Huh?
10:54Zilch, that's what.
10:57Zilcho.
11:00Salvatore, you call yourself a lawyer?
11:03You're a shmuck!
11:07And that goes for you too, Rico.
11:13If your mother was alive today,
11:14God bless that woman's soul,
11:16she would disown you!
11:18- C'mon, pop.
11:20- I tell you this, Rico, huh?
11:23I never thought I'd see the day when a son of mine
11:24would be willing to stand back and watch his own father
11:28spend the rest of his life in the state pen
11:30sharing meatloaf with the faggots!
11:32I'll tell you what'll happen if I go down.
11:37All the families will be carvin' up our empire like dogs
11:39fighting over weenie roast.
11:41Every merry little punk from Little Havana will be
11:43tryin' to get a little slice of the action.
11:46What about the Columbian, huh?
11:48- What Columbian?
11:50- What Columbian, he says?
11:53- What are you, a jerk, Salvatore?
11:55- Sit down, will ya?
11:56Just sit down.
12:03Next week, Senor Vasquez arrives here from Columbia,
12:07to settle our little deal.
12:11What do you think he's gonna do,
12:13if he thinks I've gone down the tube?
12:17I'm getting very worried, Salvatore.
12:20I am very nervous about the future.
12:23(burps)
12:24Did you hear that?
12:26That's peptic gas.
12:28That's caused by nervous exhaustion.
12:33Whatever happened to the ancient Sicilian traditions,
12:36of bribery, blackmail and intimidation, huh?
12:41- It's not a local police investigation,
12:43this is the FBI.
12:45We can't pay those guys off.
12:47- The jury's locked up in a guarded hotel.
12:49The witnesses got round the clock protection,
12:50we just can't reach anybody.
12:52- Oh.
12:53Well, maybe I oughta do something about it myself then, huh?
12:56- You can't.
12:57Pop, the police surveillance team is watching
12:59every move you make.
13:00They even got a TV camera crew
13:01filming you for a documentary.
13:04- They're filming?
13:05They're filming me?
13:06What do they think I am, a common criminal or somethin'?
13:09Now you listen to me, Rico,
13:11I want you to take some of the money
13:12from the family account,
13:13and I want you to buy me a deal.
13:15You buy me the judge,
13:16you buy me the Senator,
13:17a lot of people in this town owe me favors.
13:18I want these favors returned!
13:20- We tried.
13:21So far, there've been no takers.
13:23It looks like people are turnin' their backs on you.
13:27- That is a very impolite, and highly dangerous,
13:30thing to do.
13:39This is what I want you to do.
13:42I want you to keep searching,
13:43and I want you to keep thinking,
13:45because somewhere,
13:47somewhere out there lies the answer to my problems.
13:51(laughing)
13:58- Gonna say to that.
13:59You couldn't go near that unless you had all your own teeth.
14:02Would you Rodney?
14:03- You asked me.
14:06- Don't look now.
14:07They say that smoking's bad for you (laughing)
14:09-[Tour Guide] Biscayne Bay is the center of the
14:12Florida Coast Guard's service.
14:13As you may know,
14:14Miami has been nicknamed Cocaineville and the opposite
14:16of Biscayne Bay fightin' all year round battle
14:19with the drug runners.
14:21Coming up on your left,
14:22you will see the home of Barry Gibb,
14:24the lead singer of the Bee Gees.
14:25- Look!
14:26Rodders, look!
14:27It's a real life Bee Gee.
14:31- Cockey eyed.
14:32He's probably the gardener.
14:34- No no.
14:34You see him, it's Barry Gibb, it is!
14:36All right!
14:41- Shut up.
14:42That's not him.
14:43- It is.
14:45♫ How deep is your love
14:46♫ Is your love
14:47♫ How deep is your love
14:50- I need all this.
14:53(upbeat pop music)
15:16- Come on, Rodney.
15:18Bellies in.
15:19- Del, I still think it would be a better idea
15:21if we were to drive to the campsite now,
15:24and book in first.
15:25- Rodney, it's only quarters away.
15:27There's plenty of time to get into the campsite.
15:30- There's also plenty of time for you to get drunk,
15:32after we've booked in.
15:34- Get drunk?
15:35Get drunk?
15:38You enjoy puttin' me down, don't you mate?
15:41You think that I'm just a one-dimensional sort of person,
15:44don't you?
15:44Well, you're wrong.
15:46The only reason I wanna go into that club,
15:47is to make a telephone call,
15:49because I promised Raquel that I would phone her
15:51as soon as we arrived.
15:53- What's wrong with the public call box over there?
15:58- Well, you can't get a drink in there, can ya?
16:00Come on.
16:03- What we gonna do with our luggage?
16:05- Well I tell you what.
16:06Why don't we bring it with us,
16:08and we can put it in the middle of the dance floor,
16:09and boogie around it,
16:11like them sorts do it.
16:12The nags when at the disco with their handbags.
16:15- No need to be snarky about it.
16:17-[Del] Well.
16:18- Oi!
16:19What are you talkin' about, disco and boogie?
16:21Del, I am not boogieing.
16:22- Well, then please keep your voice down.
16:24Remember, we're ambassadors for our country.
16:27Don't want these people thinkin' were logalouts, do we?
16:30'Scuse me, mey oui, mey oui.
16:32(upbeat pop music)
16:54- Hey, Juan!
16:55Over here, Juan.
16:56When you're ready, son.
16:58- Excuse me, gentlemen.
16:59I am sorry, but this club is for members only.
17:02- You what?
17:05- I'm sorry, Senor, I did not realize it was you.
17:08Please, accept my deepest and sincerest apologies.
17:14I am honored that you should choose to visit
17:15my humble nightclub.
17:18Please.
17:19May I offer you a drink?
17:20- Yes.
17:21We'll have a cuba libra and something non-alcoholic.
17:24- Of course.
17:26- We'll be sitting over there, all right?
17:28- I will be with you in a minute.
17:40- What was all that about there?
17:42- Lord knows.
17:46Friendly sort of blime, wasn't he?
17:48- Yeah.
17:53-[Rico] There's gonna be war.
17:55-[Salvatore] Maybe not.
17:59- The only thing that can prevent it is for you
18:00to find an alibi for my father.
18:03- I don't have to find your father an alibi,
18:04I have to find him nine alibis.
18:07How the hell am I supposed to do that in a week?
18:08- How can the Justice Department treat him like this?
18:11Don't they know who he is?
18:12- Yeah.
18:13That's the problem.
18:15- You mark my words, Salvatore.
18:16The moment the jury foreman says guilty,
18:18the war begins.
18:20- Maybe not.
18:21- You keep sayin' maybe not.
18:22What do you think the rest of the family's gonna do,
18:23sit back on their butts,
18:25and pretend the old man is still in power?
18:27They're gonna go to war.
18:28Am I right, Paulie?
18:29- You're right, Rico.
18:30- Any I right, Tony?
18:31- You're right, Rico.
18:32- Am I right, Lurch?
18:33- Maybe not.
18:33- You see?
18:37There's gonna be a war.
18:39- Senor Riccardo.
18:41- Francesco, can't you see I'm in a meeting here?
18:42- I'm sorry to interrupt, Senor.
18:43But I would like to explain.
18:45If I had known that he
18:46was coming here tonight,
18:48I would have arranged for a private room.
18:50- If you'd a known who was coming here tonight?
18:53- Well, your father.
18:57- My father.
18:58- Is this some kinda joke, Frankie?
19:00Don Occhetti is under virtual house arrest.
19:02He can't get to the john without the police tailing him.
19:05- But he is here.
19:06See for yourself.
19:08(techno music)
19:19- Oh.
19:20Lovely jubbly.
19:22How much do we owe ya?
19:23- Please, it's on the house.
19:25You're my guest.
19:27- Come on, come on.
19:28Yo, Gino!
19:30It's Tony.
19:31Yeah, is the Don there?
19:33He's in the pool.
19:37- Can you actually see him?
19:40Good.
19:42Dad's at home.
19:44The guy over there ain't him.
19:45(laughing)
19:48Listen, carefully.
19:50Tell my father to stay in his room til I get back tonight.
19:53Just
19:55tell him I may have a surprise for him.
19:58(techno music)
20:07- Hi!
20:09How you guys doin'?
20:12- All right.
20:14Great time, smashing, thank you.
20:17- Good.
20:18Let me guess.
20:19You're not local people.
20:20- No.
20:22We're here on holiday.
20:23- Vacation.
20:24- Oh, vacation!
20:26Yeah yeah, I thought as much.
20:28Well, welcome to America.
20:30- Yeah, well,
20:31thanks very much son.
20:33- Yeah, we don't get many Australians around here.
20:36- We are not Australian, all right?
20:39- We are British.
20:40- British!
20:42We love the British!
20:46Are you
20:47living locally?
20:48- No no, we got one of them camper things
20:50out there in the street.
20:51You know, we just whack our bags and what have you
20:53in the back and off we go.
20:55- It's the best way to see the country.
20:56- Yeah, well you can't unwhack it, can ya?
21:01- No.
21:02Like you say, you can't whack it.
21:05So, can I get you guys a drink?
21:08- Well no.
21:09- I don't think this is wise, Rico.
21:11- See the thing is,
21:12we got to drive over to the camping s ...
21:14Sorry, the camper park,
21:16before it closes, you see.
21:18- Oh come on.
21:18You must have time for one.
21:21- Well,
21:22could have one Rodney,
21:23what do you reckon, mate?
21:24Yeah.
21:25Yeah, we'll have a drink with ya.
21:27Let's introduce ourselves.
21:28This is my brother, Rodney.
21:31My name's Del, that's short for Derek.
21:33- Hi Rodney, Del.
21:35I'm Rico.
21:36This is my cousin Salvatore,
21:36and our friend, Tony.
21:40- Are you enjoying your stay so far?
21:42- Oh yes.
21:43Great.
21:44Oh, we're havin' a bloody good time.
21:45- Why don't you join us?
21:49(dance music)
22:07(slow pop music)
22:12(laughing)
22:19- Let's have one more.
22:20One more.
22:21- No no, really we're pushing our luck as it is.
22:24- He's right.
22:25- Come on, one for the road.
22:27- Yeah, come on you guys,
22:28you got time for one more.
22:29- They're right Rodney, have one more round.
22:30- No no no Del, come on mate.
22:32Really, 'cause that campsite's gonna be shut down.
22:34We're gonna be locked out for the night.
22:36- Whoa!
22:37I didn't realize it was so late.
22:39We gotta be goin' soon.
22:40Well, Rodney.
22:43Del boy (laughing).
22:45- Rico.
22:48Well, thanks very much.
22:49It's been really really great meeting you guys.
22:51Really has.
22:52Thanks a lot.
22:54We've enjoyed your company and everything.
22:56Now we've gotta go.
22:57We'll see ya later then, yeah?
22:59Thanks a lot.
23:00Yeah, it's been great.
23:02(light music)
23:11What a blindin' night, hey Rodders?
23:13- Yeah.
23:14Nice bunch of blokes.
23:16- Well, that was nice, know what I mean?
23:17Absolute 42 carat diamonds.
23:19I mean, there we was,
23:20drinking (mumbles),
23:21never had to put our hands in their pockets, did we?
23:23(laughing)
23:28What?
23:32Wait.
23:33What's the matter with this?
23:35What's happened?
23:36What's the matter?
23:37- It's all gone!
23:38- What?
23:39- That means everything.
23:40Our suitcases, our flight bags,
23:41the duty frees, the nuts.
23:43- Oh no, I don't believe it.
23:47I just do not believe it.
23:50I mean, we was only in there half an hour.
23:54Well, four hours.
23:56I mean,
23:57I mean,
23:58what's gonna happen now?
23:59I mean, hey?
24:00How we gonna get home?
24:01- Now Del, don't panic.
24:02- Hey?
24:03- Listen, I took the passports,
24:04the flight tickets,
24:05I took 'em in there with us.
24:07- Rodney, aw Rodney.
24:09You are a saint, mate.
24:10You're a saint.
24:12Well done.
24:13Where's the money?
24:14- I left that in a bag.
24:15- You blunker, Rodney.
24:17- You told me to leave it!
24:19- Me?
24:20- Yes, and you told me to leave the luggage in the back!
24:21- Yeah, well why didn't you use your own initiative then?
24:23- Because I didn't even want to go into that bloody club!
24:25- Yeah, all right, all right!
24:26Think.
24:28Calm down, just calm down then, will ya?
24:31(mumbles)
24:34How much money have we got then,
24:36between us, then?
24:43- Right now, 32 dollars, all right?
24:45Now what can we get for 32 dollars?
24:49- Mugged.
24:51- Hey!
24:53You guys still here?
24:55Let me guess, you decided to come back and have
24:57that one for the road.
24:58- Wish we had, Rico,
25:00wish we had.
25:01No,
25:02we're thinking of going to the police.
25:03- Why, you gotta problem?
25:05- Yeah, we've been robbed.
25:08- You're kidding.
25:09- Well, I wish we was, Paulie,
25:10I wish we was.
25:11- They broke into the van while we were in the club.
25:13They've taken everything.
25:15- Ah gee.
25:15That is too bad.
25:18- God!
25:19I feel so embarrassed.
25:21You just arrive in this country,
25:22and this happens?
25:24What a welcome.
25:25- Well don't worry.
25:26It's just one of them things.
25:27- So, what are you guys gonna do, huh?
25:29- We don't know what we're gonna do.
25:31I mean, you know,
25:32we got no money, we got no clothes,
25:34we got juicy freeze,
25:35we got nothing!
25:37- Just gonna have to go down to the police,
25:38get them to sort it out.
25:39- Ah, save your breath Rodney.
25:41Cops'll do diddly squat.
25:42They don't know their ass from first base.
25:45But,
25:48Salvatore here is a lawyer.
25:50Maybe he can talk to some of his friends
25:52down at the DA's office.
25:54- Yeah.
25:55First thing in the morning.
25:57- Could you do that, Salvatore?
25:59Oh, that would be very very nice of you.
26:02Wouldn't it Rodders, hey?
26:03- Yeah.
26:04- In the meantime,
26:06you two guys
26:08are comin' home with me.
26:10(car tires squealing)
26:22(opera music)
26:31- Is this your place, Rico?
26:33- Belongs to my family.
26:37- Very nice.
26:39(opera music)
26:49What sort of business you in then, Rico?
26:51- We're in insurance and imports.
26:54- Oh! Well imports and exports.
26:56- Nope, just imports.
26:58Well, this is it.
27:02Welcome.
27:03- Thank you.
27:05(opera music)
27:13(phone buzzes)
27:16- Yo.
27:17- Rico.
27:19I want you up here, fast.
27:21- I'll be right up.
27:26Show you to your guest suite.
27:29- Guest suite.
27:31We've fallen on our feet here, brov.
27:38- You see him?
27:39- Yeah, of course I saw him
27:40and I heard him.
27:42What are you doin',
27:42bringin' Australians home, huh?
27:44- No, they're not Australian,
27:45they're a couple of English guys over here on vacation.
27:48We put them in the guest suite.
27:49- Limeys!
27:50What are you doin' bringin' limeys into my house?
27:52You know that I hate limeys!
27:53- We met 'em at the club on Coco Walk.
27:55- Wait a minute.
27:57What are you doin' picking up guys in bars, huh?
28:00What is it with you two?
28:02You gettin' light on your feet?
28:04It's there too much air in your Nike's or what?
28:06- Listen to me, pop.
28:07These two bozos could be the answer to your prayers.
28:10One of 'em is a dead ringer for you.
28:13Even Francesco at the club thought he was servin' you.
28:15- Look, I saw it on my security monitor.
28:19I saw no similarity whatsoever.
28:22He's much taller than me.
28:23He's a thinner guy, all leg up.
28:26- No, the other guy.
28:27- What do you mean?
28:29The schooly little dude with the poke out face?
28:33- Yeah.
28:36- Ah.
28:38I see, Salvatore.
28:41Salvatore, this is your lucky day,
28:45'cause I'm in a good mood.
28:48I'm only gonna break one of your legs.
28:54Because you're a member of the family,
28:57I'm gonna do it slowly.
29:00- Come on, pop,
29:01it was dark outside.
29:02You couldn't see him clearly.
29:03Tell him, Sal.
29:05- It's true, Don Occhetti,
29:06this guy looks just like you.
29:07- You know?
29:09Last year I went to the zoo and I saw a camel,
29:11and it looked just like your mother,
29:12but I didn't invite it home and put it in the guest suite.
29:17So, there's a guy who looks like me.
29:18What's the big deal?
29:21- I'll tell you what the big deal is.
29:26Imagine this guy dressed up
29:28in your clothes.
29:30- In my clothes?
29:31Whatsa matter with you?
29:32Are you outta your mind, or what?
29:34- We dress the limey up in your clothes,
29:36and we take him out to eat in a nice restaurant.
29:39Now, while he's having lunch in full public view,
29:43somebody blows him away.
29:46- This is something I do not advise.
29:47- Everybody will think that the other families
29:49have had you killed.
29:50Even the police surveillance team will be a witness.
29:52Don't you see what this means, pop?
29:56- What?
29:58- Tell him, Sal.
30:02- In the eyes of America,
30:03there will be no more Don Occhetti.
30:05No more Don Occhetti equals no more trial.
30:07No more trial equals no more prison sentence.
30:10- And while we mourn your passing,
30:12you sneak off to Rio for a couple years,
30:15long enough for your plastic surgery to heal,
30:17and come back as Uncle uh ...
30:20- Carlo.
30:21- Carlo, from New Jersey,
30:23and take over the family business.
30:27- Rico.
30:31Sometimes during my life,
30:33I have doubted that you were my child.
30:36Sometimes I thought that maybe the hospital
30:38had screwed up,
30:39and given us the baby of a family from Pittsburgh.
30:43But now I take it all back.
30:45You are definitely my son.
30:48It's brilliant!
30:49It's wonderful!
30:51(laughing)
30:52That also means there's one less limey in the world.
30:55- Two pop.
30:56I'm givin' his brother a one-way ticket also.
30:58- Rodney, have you heard of butcher's at the bog?
31:00Oh, it's solid marble, it is.
31:02None of that stick on gear that you get down at the old DIY.
31:05No, this is the real McCoy.
31:07Oh, someone out there loves us.
31:12- Shh.
31:14I'm up to channel 49.
31:16- Yeah?
31:17How many channels are there?
31:17- I don't know,
31:18that's what I'm researching.
31:20- Good boy.
31:21Always said that you should be a scientist.
31:24Oh, look at this.
31:25Can't be bad, can it (chuckles)?
31:30(laughing)
31:31- Don't let these limeys call home.
31:33I don't want anybody knowin' about this address.
31:36- Lurch is cutting all the phones,
31:37except our business line.
31:39- So, as far as everyone in jolly old England is concerned,
31:43these two guys have vanished off the face of the Earth.
31:46- They can blame in on the Bermuda Triangle, huh?
31:48(laughing)
31:50- Or the Twilight Zone.
31:51(laughing)
31:53- The Twilight Zone (laughing).
31:56(laughing)
31:59- We struck gold here, brov.
32:00- Oh I know.
32:02We have to show Rico our gratitude, you know?
32:03Get him a little present or something.
32:05- Yeah.
32:06Yeah, we'll do that.
32:07Hey, we got no money.
32:09Never mind, I'll lip him for a few quid.
32:11Blimey, eh!
32:12We better phone in our HQ!
32:14Raquel will be going spare.
32:20Oh, the line's dead.
32:22- Well try that.
32:25- Why?
32:26- 'Cause that's what they do in American films.
32:29- Oh yes!
32:34No, still dead, look.
32:35- Hm.
32:37(knock at door)
32:37- Here you go, Derek.
32:38These are my uncle's clothes.
32:41They should fit you, he's about the same size as you.
32:45- Yes, well.
32:46Thanks, very nice.
32:48Oh, Rico, I'm sorry.
32:49I don't wanna be a pain,
32:50but Rodney, he's got nothing to wear.
32:51- No problem.
32:52We gotta a guy that works here,
32:53he's about Rodney's build,
32:55he'll lend you some of his clothes.
32:57- Lurch.
32:58- Lurch?
33:00Saucy bunk.
33:01- Tell Gino to bring up some of his clothes.
33:05Piece of cake, Rod.
33:06- Oh, by the way.
33:07The old dog's nickered.
33:10- What?
33:11- Telephone's not working.
33:12- Oh, yeah, telephone.
33:14A couple of days ago we had a tropical storm.
33:17Whole area is out.
33:18Don't worry, though.
33:19It'll be back soon.
33:20Listen, you guys get some sleep because
33:22what say tomorrow I take you out to my favorite restaurant.
33:24Day on the town.
33:26- Yeah, lovely jubbly.
33:28- Yeah.
33:29Nice little Italian joint.
33:31The food (smooch),
33:32out of this world.
33:33Believe me Del, this place will
33:34kill ya.
33:38Oh!
33:40By the way,
33:41wear this suit and the chains,
33:42will make you look real business like.
33:45- Oh (chuckles) yes.
33:47Yeah.
33:48'Course this is very me, it is Rico.
33:51'Course back home in England ...
33:52- Night night.
33:53-[Del] Yeah, nighty night.
33:55-[Rodney] Night.
33:58- He's such a nice bloke, isn't he?
34:01They broke the mold when they made him, you know?
34:03- Yeah.
34:05Look Del,
34:07don't feel I'm gettin' paranoid or nothing,
34:08but
34:10what did you notice them really tough
34:12couple of blokes,
34:13down by the gate when we drove in?
34:15- Yeah.
34:16- And then, there was that one downstairs in the hall.
34:18- Oh yeah.
34:20Well, so what?
34:21- Well,
34:22it's most probably ridiculous but,
34:24well you don't think that Rico might be ...
34:28- What?
34:31- Nufta.
34:32- A nufta!
34:33Well he ...
34:34No!
34:35He's Italian, isn't he?
34:37You can't have an Italian nufta.
34:39It's a well-known medical fact.
34:41- They're all blokes.
34:43- I know that.
34:44It must be because he's like,
34:45you know, he's a man's man, isn't he?
34:48I'll tell you what else he is, Rodney.
34:51He's a little gold nugget.
34:54Yep.
34:55That's what he is, Rodney.
34:58A little gold nugget.
35:06- In the name of the Father,
35:07and of the Son,
35:08and the Holy Spirit,
35:10we bless you with --
35:11- Reverend?
35:13- Amen.
35:14Raquel,
35:15I'm glad I met you.
35:17I was going to phone Derek as soon as the lorry had gone.
35:19- Del?
35:20Del's in Miami.
35:21- Miami?
35:22Oh dear.
35:24- Reverend, excuse me for asking,
35:25but why are you blessing a Romanian lorry?
35:27- I'm not blessing the lorry,
35:29it's the contents.
35:31Didn't Derek mention it to you?
35:32- No, he didn't say ...
35:34Just a minute,
35:35has this got something to do with Derek?
35:36- Well, yes.
35:38He did a time in motion study of the blessing of the wine,
35:40and came up with the novel idea of doin' it en masse,
35:43as it were.
35:44Then I distribute to other churches throughout England.
35:46- Oh hell.
35:48Oh, sorry.
35:50- It's been a real money saver.
35:51Especially as Del sold it to us so cheap.
35:53There's just one rather major problem.
35:57It's turned out to be Romanian Riesling.
35:59- Romanian Riesling?
36:01- Yes.
36:02White wine.
36:04The communion wine is supposed to be red.
36:06It represents the --
36:07- Blood of Christ.
36:08- Exactly.
36:09The other churches are returning their cases daily.
36:13I don't want to alarm you, Raquel,
36:14but you may be getting a call from the
36:16Archbishop of Canterbury's office.
36:18- Oh God.
36:19- That's what I keep saying.
36:25- I think we got some action.
36:26Give me that camera.
36:27- Is it Occhetti?
36:28- No, it's his son and one of the gorillas.
36:30Wait a minute.
36:32(suspenseful music)
36:48- What do you reckon then, Rico?
36:49Look at that.
36:50Fits like a dream, doesn't it?
36:51(chuckles)
36:54- Perfect Del, just perfect.
36:56- Oh, there's a bloke over there with a camera.
36:59- Oh yeah.
37:01Oi pal!
37:02(laughing)
37:04Who is that there, Rico?
37:06- Who know?
37:07Tourists, maybe.
37:08I'm starved, let's eat.
37:09- Yeah, am me (laughs).
37:10Lovely jubbly.
37:15(camera snapping)
37:17- 2930.
37:19-[Dispatcher] 2930 QSK.
37:20- We're on South Bay and Fair Aisle,
37:22Occhetti and the boys have just stopped for lunch
37:24at Carlotti's Restaurant.
37:26-[Dispatcher] Copy one three two five
37:27Miami QS out.
37:29(slow Italian music)
37:37- Don Occhetti.
37:41- Don Occhetti to you, too.
37:43- Don Occhetti.
37:45- I am so happy you have honored me with your presence
37:47here today.
37:48On behalf of my family and myself,
37:50I thank you deeply.
37:52- It's all right, it's all right.
37:53You know, (babbles).
37:56- (chuckles) I will prepare for you a table.
37:58Would you like to have a drink at the bar?
38:00- Yes yes,
38:01thank you very much signor.
38:03I got a diabolical first.
38:04- (laughs) Excuse me.
38:06(slow Italian music)
38:21Is everything to your satisfaction, signore?
38:23- Oh, it's lovely.
38:24Blindin' dumplings.
38:26- Grazie.
38:28- Signore?
38:31- Yeah, that's a lovely looking cork, isn't it?
38:34- S'posed to test if okay.
38:41- Oh.
38:43Thank you.
38:50Oh yes.
38:51Lovely jubbly (chuckles).
38:53Pour on, McDuff.
38:55- Grazie, signore.
38:57(suspenseful music)
39:13- 'Scuse me, Del.
39:14- Hm?
39:15- Gotta go to the john.
39:16- Oh, all right.
39:17Do one for me some, will ya (laughs)?
39:21- I've gotta go check the plumbin' as well.
39:23- I've gotta go too.
39:26- And me.
39:30- Hope I don't catch it.
39:31- Must've been those enchilados they had last night.
39:37Cheers, brov.
39:38- Cheers, Del.
39:40(slow Italian music)
39:43(suspenseful music)
39:47- Any time now.
39:55How ya doin'?
39:57- Fine, thank you, fine.
40:06- We're just talking.
40:08- Oh.
40:09Sorry to interrupt.
40:11- Don't, you're not interrupting.
40:13- Hurry up, just do it!
40:15- Oh.
40:17(suspenseful music)
40:25- Don't pick it up with your spoon,
40:27use your fork.
40:29- Stupid Rodney.
40:31Roll off a fork, wouldn't it?
40:32Now,
40:33as I was sayin',
40:34I've always had this gift that
40:36wherever I've gone in the world,
40:38people are just taken to me.
40:39(suspenseful music)
40:47I mean you take this thing for example.
40:49All right fair enough.
40:50The first night we arrived,
40:51we was ripped off and we lost everything.
40:54But then I bumped into young Rico,
40:56and he immediately took to me.
40:57(suspenseful music)
40:59People always seem to like me,
41:01and I just don't know why.
41:05- It's got me bewildered and all.
41:06- Rod ...
41:08(gun shot fires)
41:11(Italian music)
41:12Look at that.
41:13I was saving this dumpling 'til last and all.
41:15Blimey.
41:18What's wrong with you?
41:19It hardly touched the ground, did it?
41:22Anyway, the floor is clean.
41:24Honestly, you and your hygiene.
41:28- Del boy.
41:29- What?
41:30- Somebody just shot you.
41:32- Shot me?
41:33Don't worry Rodders,
41:35I feel much better now.
41:36- Del, look!
41:38- What's the matter with ...
41:39(yells)
41:40(woman screams)
41:43- Bingo.
41:44- See, I hope that wasn't my dessert.
41:47- How can you joke at a time like this?
41:50His father's just been shot.
41:55- Shut up, Lurch.
41:58Oh my God.
41:59Somebody call an ambulance.
42:01Is he dead?
42:02- No, but it was bloody close Rico!
42:05- A bullet, right?
42:06Come out of nowhere and ...
42:09If he knew how to use a knife and fork,
42:11he'd be a goner.
42:12- It's true.
42:13Absolutely hell, it was.
42:15I was just sittin' here like Roddy,
42:16eatin' me dumplin's, right?
42:17Then suddenly, whack!
42:18Look, a bullet hits the back of me chair.
42:20I mean, you don't need it Rico,
42:21do ya?
42:22You don't need it son.
42:23- No.
42:25You certainly do not.
42:27(beach music)
42:39- Here you go chaps.
42:41Oh by the way,
42:44the bloke who owns the bar said
42:46he offers his deepest respect
42:48and his loyalty is beyond question.
42:49- That's very nice of him.
42:52Every where I go,
42:54people seem to be offering me their deepest respect,
42:56and kissin' me hand and what have ya.
42:59- Derek.
43:01You ever had a go on one of those?
43:07- Have I ever had a go on one of those, Rodney?
43:09- Of course you ain't.
43:10- No no, I ain't, no.
43:11- Would you like to try?
43:12No sweat.
43:13I know the owner.
43:15- What, me ever go on one of those things?
43:17Oh dear.
43:18No way, Pedro.
43:19- Come on, Del.
43:20First time for everything.
43:23No way, Pedro?
43:25- No, you won't catch me going out in one of them things.
43:28- And I was always led to believe that
43:29you Brits were a seafaring race.
43:39- We are.
43:41We gave you the world's greatest sailing power.
43:44Remember that.
43:45We gave you Nelson,
43:46we gave you Drake,
43:47and we gave you Columbus.
43:48(laughing)
43:51All right.
43:54Okay then.
43:55Come on, let's have a go.
43:56Away we go.
43:57Come on then.
43:59- Are you sure about this?
44:01- He who dares, Rodney.
44:02He who dares.
44:04We don't want them thinking that us Brits are chicken,
44:06do we?
44:07- We certainly do not.
44:10(waves crashing)
44:15- All right, come on up here,
44:16don't be shy.
44:16All right, stand on your weight evenly.
44:18This is your start button,
44:19and this is the throttle.
44:20All right?
44:21Just remember, the faster you go,
44:22the easier it is to stay on.
44:23- Yes, stay on.
44:24- Way to go, fella.
44:25- Yeah.
44:26Here we go.
44:31(jet ski running)
44:38- Look at that baby go.
44:40- Lovely!
44:42Lovely jubbly!
44:43(laughing)
44:44That's about far enough now.
44:46- Did he say something?
44:48- I didn't hear a thing, Rodney.
44:49- Rico!
44:51The steering wheel's stuck!
44:53The steering wheel is stuck!
45:01Now the throttle's stuck!
45:03Rico!
45:04Rico!
45:05The throttle!
45:07- He's kind of a long way out, isn't he?
45:09- Yeah.
45:10He's enjoying himself.
45:12- Yeah, no,
45:13I'm just saying.
45:15He's kind of a long way out.
45:16- Where are the brakes on this bloody thing?
45:18(yelling)
45:21- What a guy, huh?
45:23- Yeah, he certainly surprised me.
45:25- Why's that?
45:27- Well, he can't even swim.
45:28- Help!
45:29Help!
45:35-[Pilot] We have begun our descent into Miami,
45:37and are about 25 miles off the coast of Florida.
45:40- Well Tyler,
45:41we'll soon be in Miami.
45:43Let's hope it's better than Washington.
45:44- I liked Washington.
45:46- Not much of a beach, though.
45:47Was there?
45:49- In the last fortnight,
45:50we've been all down the East Coast of America,
45:52and you have done nothing but moan.
45:58- That's funny.
46:00- What is?
46:01- There's a bloke down there on one of them ski jet things.
46:04- So what?
46:05- So what?
46:06We're 25 miles off the coast.
46:07- Well, he must know what he's doing.
46:09(jet ski running)
46:18(slow Italian music)
46:21(thunder rumbling)
46:25- I'm calling to say that our meeting is
46:26to go ahead as scheduled.
46:30Ah right, I forgot.
46:34The meeting
46:35with my father
46:36can go ahead
46:38as planned.
46:40Planned.
46:42Si.
46:43Gracias.
46:45I look forward to meeting you.
46:46Right.
46:47Lovely jubbly.
46:52Lovely jubbly?
46:56(thunder rumbling)
47:00Hi.
47:02How ya doin'?
47:03- Fine.
47:05I just thought that might be news of Del.
47:09- No.
47:11I'll let you know if I hear anything.
47:16You're not worried, are ya?
47:18- No.
47:19It's just that he left the beach at 11 o'clock this morning,
47:22and it's now 8:30 at night, you know.
47:24- You're brother's one hell of a fun guy.
47:26- Oh no.
47:28But can you have fun on a jet ski for nine and a half hours?
47:30- Del can.
47:33- I see the phones are working again then?
47:34- No.
47:36- But I thought I saw you --
47:37- That's a private line.
47:39Purely business.
47:41- Oh, I see.
47:43So how come that one's working,
47:44when all the others in the area are out?
47:47- Search me.
47:49- I couldn't just use that phone for a minute,
47:51could I?
47:51- No.
47:53I'm expecting a very important business call.
47:55- Right.
47:56Well, I just wanted to phone home, you know.
47:57Tell 'em where we were in case they was worried.
48:00- Ah, there's nothin' for them to worry about, Rod.
48:02You're with us.
48:05- Yeah.
48:07Yeah, I s'pose you're right.
48:10Well, I'll be in me room,
48:12if you hear anything.
48:14- You'll be the first to know.
48:16Night.
48:21(slow Italian music)
48:27- Lurch is bringing the car around front.
48:31- The tall one's starting to ask questions.
48:34Looks like tomorrow,
48:36we take him for a drive,
48:38and put him out of his misery.
48:40- One down,
48:41one to go (laughing).
48:43(doorbell rings)
48:46(thunder rumbles)
48:53- Good evening, sir.
48:55- Officer, is there any news of my father?
48:57- Yes sir,
48:58and I'm afraid it's bad news.
49:01- Oh God.
49:03Oh God, no.
49:04- We fished him out three hours ago.
49:07- He's dead?
49:08- No, he's alive and well.
49:11- What?
49:13- That's what I mean by bad news.
49:15(thunder rumbling)
49:23- Am I glad to be back, Rico.
49:26It was horrible out there.
49:28Really horrible.
49:30I thought I was a goner,
49:31I really did.
49:32I don't know what would've happened to me,
49:33if that police helicopter hadn't found me.
49:36- Why don't you uh,
49:37go in the kitchen and get yourself somethin' to eat.
49:40- Yeah, thanks.
49:43I could murder a pina colada.
49:47- Oh by the way,
49:48something's happened to his voice.
49:49He sounds Australian.
49:51We think it might be salt in the vocal chords.
49:54- Oh, rest assured officer.
49:56I got something for his throat.
49:59Night.
50:04You limey turkey.
50:07What do I gotta do to get rid of you?
50:09(suspenseful music)
50:12- Here you go.
50:13- Great, what do I owe you?
50:14- No no, their with Mickey Pierce (mumbles).
50:15- No charge?
50:16- No.
50:17- Cheers (laughs).
50:22- Come on Raquel, you're worrying about nothing.
50:25- Nothing?
50:26They've been gone for five days.
50:28We haven't heard a word from them,
50:29and you call that nothing?
50:30- Well, what I mean is,
50:31there's probably a simple explanation for it.
50:34- Maybe Del's gone down to Brazil,
50:35to have a look at the forest.
50:37- Well there you are,
50:38you couldn't get more simple than that.
50:41- It's funny that business with Del boy and Rodney.
50:43- They'll turn up sooner or later.
50:45- Yeah.
50:46- I just hope the police catch whoever did it.
50:48Right.
50:49I must be off.
50:51Cheers, mate.
50:51- Cheers, mate.
50:53Stay lucky.
50:55- Have you heard from Cassandra?
50:57- Yeah yeah,
50:57she called from the hotel.
50:58She's as worried as you are.
51:00- It's nothing to worry about.
51:02A few years back,
51:03my brother went to Portugal,
51:04on a golfing.
51:05No one heard from him for three months.
51:08His wife was phonin' Interpol.
51:09My mum was going mad.
51:11He turned up safe and sound.
51:13- Where had he been?
51:14- Shacked up with some German tog.
51:18- Shut up.
51:19Just go away.
51:21- Listen Raquel,
51:22I've known Del a lot longer than you.
51:24Sometimes he can be a bit forgetful.
51:26Especially if he's enjoying himself.
51:28I mean, he's probably out there now,
51:29having the time of his life and,
51:31I'm not saying the right things, am I?
51:33- No, you're not.
51:35- Hey Raquel!
51:37Look!
51:38Hang on, I'll turn the sound up.
51:40-[Newscaster] The Miami District Attorney's office
51:42has named this man, public enemy number one.
51:45His web of vice and corruption has spread throughout
51:47the Western Hemisphere,
51:48and many consider him to be the most dangerous
51:50criminal since Al Capone.
51:52- There they are.
51:54There's Del and Dave.
51:57- Public enemy number one?
52:00But he only left Tuesday.
52:04(Italian music)
52:07- What's happened?
52:09- Just got a call from the airport.
52:10Columbians have landed.
52:12They'll be here any minute.
52:14I want everyone,
52:15and I mean everyone,
52:16down here to greet him.
52:18We need to show our strength.
52:19Let 'em know they're not dealin' with the Boy Scouts.
52:21- No problem.
52:23- Hey.
52:26Where are the limeys?
52:27- Don't worry,
52:28I've taken care of them,
52:29they're busy.
52:39- Oh, gotta whack it back at me,
52:40for God's sake Rodney.
52:41- I'm tryin' to whack it back.
52:43I'm not very good at tennis.
52:44- No, really?
52:47- I've had enough of this.
52:48I'm goin' in.
52:51- Oh, just 'cause you're losin'.
52:54(grunting)
53:03- Hey Rico!
53:04Lurch!
53:08Tony!
53:09Is anybody about?
53:19(breathing heavy)
53:22(belches)
53:24(breathing heavy)
53:34(breathing heavy)
53:43- Mrs. Trotter.
53:44Mrs. Trotter!
53:51- Oi, Cass?
53:52It's me, Rodney.
53:54- Where are you?
53:54What's happened?
53:55Are you all right?
53:56- Steady on.
53:58Now listen.
53:59We're both fine.
54:00Right?
54:02- Come on, one of you jerks.
54:03Hurry up and answer the phone.
54:05(phone buzzing)
54:13- Hello?
54:14Medici dog's home.
54:16(whining like a dog)
54:20(laughing)
54:23(humming)
54:25- I've been so worried about you.
54:28- Have ya?
54:29- Yes.
54:30I didn't take the interview.
54:32They let me off on compassionate grounds.
54:34- What, so you could've come with me after all.
54:36- Well, not without the help of a fortune teller.
54:39I didn't know you were gonna go missing for the week.
54:41- No, I s'pose not.
54:47- Rodney?
54:49Where are you?
54:53You're not in our room.
54:56- Aw, I wish you coulda come, Cass.
54:58They're really lovely, you know?
54:59Such nice people.
55:01- Well if you hadn't booked that particular week,
55:02I would've been with you.
55:04- Yeah, well, I mean,
55:05I didn't actually book the tickets,
55:06Del did.
55:07- Del?
55:08No, he couldn't.
55:09He knew I was in Eastbourne that week.
55:11- Well, I s'pose he thought you m ...
55:13He knew?
55:14What do you mean, he knew?
55:16- Yes, I told him over lunch when the seminar was.
55:18So why'd he book that particular week?
55:21- Isn't it obvious why?
55:24So he could get a free bloody holiday.
55:26(goofy music)
55:32- Rodney.
55:34(goofy music)
55:37Come on.
55:39Come out, come out,
55:40wherever you are.
55:42(goofy music)
55:48Rodney.
55:53Are you there?
55:54Roddy woddy?
55:56(goofy music)
56:04Oh.
56:05Oh well, this is very nice.
56:08Mm.
56:09This is a bit of me,
56:10this is.
56:12'Cause I am a Byzantine sort of bloke.
56:15(goofy music)
56:20So where are you hiding,
56:23you little scallywag?
56:25(goofy music)
56:39- You dolt!
56:42You rotten, conniving, ditz!
56:46You are the most selfish bastard I've ever come across.
56:50Do you know who I've just been talking to?
56:52(grunts)
56:53Cassandra.
56:54Ah, that's shaken you then.
56:57You knew,
56:58all along,
56:59she wouldn't be able to make this trip,
57:00didn't ya?
57:01You knew,
57:02she had to go to the bank seminar in Eastbourne,
57:04but you didn't tell me that, did ya?
57:05No!
57:07No, you kept that well quiet,
57:08so that you could come on this bloody holiday!
57:12Where'd you get that stupid track suit from?
57:14Don't you talk to me.
57:15I don't want to hear none of your excuses.
57:17Just do not talk to me, all right?
57:20(grunts)
57:23Ditz!
57:31You aren't sleepin' in here tonight!
57:32Rico's gonna have to find somewhere else for you to sleep!
57:36- What's up with you, soppy?
57:37- You know full well what is up with me.
57:39You knew Cassandra couldn't come with me on this trip,
57:42and you knew it because she told ya!
57:44- Ah.
57:45Now you come to mention it,
57:48she did say something.
57:49- But you planned it.
57:50You went to the travel agent,
57:52and you got it just so as you could come away with me
57:55on this holiday!
57:56- Sh.
57:57Now listen, calm down.
57:58Just please, Robby,
57:59just calm down a minute, will ya?
58:01I'll try and explain everything to ya.
58:05See, the thing is,
58:06that,
58:08well look,
58:09that wine dealer of mine as gone run up the pictures.
58:13I had this phone call from Bucharest.
58:16The first lorry load they delivered was white wine.
58:19I just didn't know what to do.
58:24You know me, don't ya?
58:26Only two things in the world that worry me,
58:28and that is,
58:29doctors and,
58:30you know, Gods.
58:35I was frightened of being cursed.
58:38So I thought,
58:39if I come over here,
58:40like to Miami,
58:41he won't find me.
58:43That's the only reason I did it, Rodney.
58:44Honest.
58:46I just wanted to lay low for a spell.
58:48- Yeah, on my pension money.
58:51I swear Del.
58:52You are the most horrible, dirty little ...
58:55How did you get in here?
58:58How did you get changed so quickly?
58:59- What do you mean, how did I get changed?
59:01I haven't got changed, have I?
59:02I've been in this all morning.
59:04- No, I don't understand this.
59:07I was just talking to you outside.
59:09- You just talkin' to me outside.
59:10You couldn't a done, could ya?
59:12'Cause I've been in the cozy en suite.
59:14- Derek, I have just been having a row with you
59:16out on that landing.
59:17You were wearing a pink and green tracksuit.
59:19- A pink and green tr ...
59:22(sighs)
59:29(clears throat)
59:30Rodney,
59:31have you um,
59:33taken anything?
59:34- The only thing I have taken is a load of cobliss from you.
59:37Now I was talkin' to you,
59:39on that landing, or ...
59:42- Or what?
59:45- Or someone who looks like you.
59:48- Someone who looks like me?
59:50What you mean like,
59:52like a double?
59:54- Yeah.
59:55- Oh dear.
59:57(clicks tongue)
60:00I see.
60:04You know what this means, Rodney,
60:05don't you?
60:06- What?
60:07- It means that you're a bigger plunkard
60:08than I thought you were!
60:12- All right, well you go and have a look for yourself.
60:13He's out there.
60:14- All right.
60:15I will if it will shut you up,
60:16you little dipstick!
60:19- I don't know what the world is coming to.
60:22I'm a prisoner in my own home.
60:26All because of those goddamn, sorry ass blimeys.
60:31- Boo!
60:35- Here.
60:39- Oh, look dippy.
60:41That's where he was, look!
60:43Your reflection.
60:45- I can have a row with a bloody reflection?
60:48- So what do you wanna do?
60:49Go and check it out then?
60:50- I'll go down there and keep a look out.
60:53- Oh, cushy.
60:56Do it yourself, Del.
60:59Go on then.
61:02(suspenseful music)
61:06- I hate limeys.
61:09I hate limeys.
61:10(suspenseful music)
61:21- I hate limeys.
61:23I hate 'em, I hate 'em, I hate 'em.
61:26(suspenseful music)
61:36(bells ringing)
61:39(groans)
61:41(bells ringing)
61:46- Oh dammit.
61:50(suspenseful music)
63:00- Is your best guess.
63:01My father was looking so forward to meeting you.
63:03- So, it is with me too.
63:07- Del, hurry up.
63:08Somebody's coming.
63:09(suspenseful music)
63:18Del!
63:20(suspenseful music)
63:30- They're tryin' to kill me.
63:33Fromage frey.
63:35(Rico talking)
63:39(exciting music)
63:48- Father, Columbians have arrived.
63:50This is Senor Vasquez,
63:51and his associate,
63:52Senor Herrera.
63:53- Oh.
63:54- I'll be in the other room if you need me.
63:56(grunts)
63:58Gentlemen.
64:00- Don Occhetti,
64:02I am honored to meet you sir.
64:07Excuse me,
64:09my English,
64:10no good.
64:11No good.
64:14- Bonetti.
64:16Bonetti.
64:18- Bonetti, bonetti.
64:25- Um, we bring the final eformation --
64:29- In formation.
64:31- Information.
64:32Information.
64:33Concerning,
64:34concerning our business transaction.
64:37- Business transaction.
64:40Oh.
64:41Cushti.
64:43- You will read please.
64:46- Okay.
64:50(opera music)
64:54What is this, exactly?
64:56- It is the firmation --
64:58- Con firmation.
64:59- Confirmation, confirmation
65:01regarding delivery of merchandise.
65:05- Oh, smashing.
65:07Smashing.
65:08Good.
65:09What sort of merchandise is it, then?
65:12- Senor.
65:14It is the finest, the purest,
65:16the very best (sniffs) cocaine.
65:19- Oh, it's coco ...
65:21Coc ...
65:23Cocaine.
65:26- 17 tons.
65:28It is on the yacht.
65:30Anchored off shore.
65:33- We wait.
65:34We wait
65:35your instructions.
65:38Don Occhetti,
65:40where,
65:41where delivery of merchandise in the boat?
65:45You know, where? Where?
65:48- The boat.
65:49Delivery delivery.
65:50Yeah.
65:50I'll tell you what, yeah.
65:51Why don't you deliver it then, tonight.
65:53All right?
65:55Midnight.
65:56Do you know Biscayne Bay at all?
65:59Deliver the merchandise to Biscayne Bay.
66:02Biscayne
66:03Bay.
66:05- Biscan.
66:07- Cayne.
66:08- Cayne.
66:09- Cayne.
66:10- Biscayne.
66:11Bye.
66:13- Bye.
66:14- Bay.
66:17Biscayne Bay.
66:19- Is it safe?
66:21Safe?
66:22- Don't you worry.
66:23Don't worry.
66:24The cocaine'll be safe there all right.
66:26- Someone there to meet us?
66:28To meet us?
66:30- Oh, I'm sure.
66:31Yeah, don't worry.
66:32There'll be someone there
66:33to meet you all right, yeah.
66:34- (laughing) Good good.
66:36It is good.
66:38Business, you and you, it is very good.
66:41(shower running)
66:46Room, who? Who?
66:49- Whom?
66:50- Whom?
66:51- Whom.
66:52- Whom room?
66:53- Whom is in the room.
66:56Um, yeah.
66:57That's a good question.
66:57Whom is in there?
66:59That is the bathroom,
67:02and that's my girlfriend in there.
67:04(speaking foreign language)
67:06- Don Occhetti's senorita.
67:07- Oh (chuckling) yes, yes.
67:10Senorita, ah ha.
67:13(Don Occhetti belches)
67:18- Yes.
67:20She had a double helping of chile con carne last night.
67:23I told her not to, I mean.
67:24I told her,
67:25but you know what they're like, don't ya (chuckles)?
67:28(clears throat)
67:29Well, look at the time.
67:30I think that will conclude our business then, gentlemen.
67:33Yes, all right then.
67:34Well.
67:36All right, good.
67:36Well, thank you, thank you very much, yes.
67:38- Adios, senor.
67:39- Adidos.
67:40- We will be peaking soon.
67:41- Peaking soon, yeah.
67:42Yeah, okay.
67:44Bonetti, bonetti!
67:47- Bonetti.
67:49Bonetti.
67:57- Didn't you hear me knocking?
67:58Rico brought two bugs up to that room.
68:05- Rodney.
68:06We are in deep,
68:08deep,
68:09schtook.
68:11This is mafia country.
68:13- Mafia?
68:14- Shh.
68:15Shh!
68:16Come on.
68:18Just listen to me.
68:21You know that Rico, Salvatore and all them other guys?
68:25They're all mafioso!
68:28You remember you said to me that you thought
68:29you saw a bloke what looked like me?
68:32Well, there is one.
68:33He's caroomed down in there.
68:34His name is Don Occhetti,
68:37and he is the boss.
68:40I'm telling you, Rodney.
68:41This is Marlon Brando time.
68:44- Nah.
68:45- Yes!
68:46Just read the newspaper down there.
68:48It's all about him.
68:50You see, this Don,
68:51this Don,
68:52he's up for trial.
68:53It looks like he's winning the frame,
68:54and he's gonna go down the kerm and spend the rest of his
68:55life in the nick.
68:57- What for?
68:58- What for?
69:01Drug running.
69:02Kidnapping.
69:03And three,
69:03you count 'em,
69:04three murders.
69:06Right?
69:07That is what all this has been about, Rodney,
69:09don't you understand?
69:11Hey?
69:12They've been trying to kill me.
69:14- Del, don't you think you might be lettin' your
69:16imagination run away with ya?
69:19- I wish I was, Rodney,
69:20I wish I was.
69:21You take a look at that pal.
69:22Go on.
69:24I've been down there,
69:25and I've just had a little tete a tete
69:26with two Columbian drug barons!
69:31- Bloody hell, Del, he's a mafia boss.
69:33- Well, I've been trying to tell ya.
69:34Of course he is.
69:35Look at it, look.
69:38- Oh curse me.
69:40Those bloody me.
69:44I've just roughed him up.
69:45I have just roughed up a mafia boss.
69:49I called him a git.
69:51I just called a mafia boss --
69:53- Rodney, just pull yourself together.
69:54- A git!
69:56- I tell ya.
69:57These are not the sort of people that you wanna
69:58spend your holidays with.
70:00I'll tell you another thing too.
70:02That Rico,
70:03he can forget that present we was gonna buy him.
70:05- Oh Del, let's get out of here.
70:06- How can we, hey?
70:07We can't go downstairs 'cause they're all there!
70:10- Let's get out the window, then.
70:11Let's just get out before I wake up with a bloody
70:12horse's head on me pillow.
70:14(rock music)
70:25- Go on.
70:26Go on.
70:34(yells)
70:37(rock music)
71:01(glass crashes)
71:04(exciting rock music)
71:25- How the hell did this happen?
71:28- I don't know, pop.
71:29Last time I saw it, it was fine.
71:31Leave it.
71:32I'll get Lurch to do it.
71:33- Okay.
71:35- Well, Columbians seemed happy.
71:36- Yeah.
71:38Yeah, well maybe they won't be so happy
71:40after we've had our meeting,
71:42so show 'em up, Rico.
71:44- Show 'em up?
71:45They just left.
71:46- Left?
71:48What the hell they come all this way for
71:49and then leave without talkin' to me!
71:51- But you had your meeting with 'em, pop.
71:52I brought 'em in and introduce ...
71:55How did you change into that track suit so quickly?
71:57- This all mornin',
71:58I've been workin' out.
72:01- Oh God.
72:03The limey.
72:04(exciting rock music)
72:12- I'm in court tomorrow morning.
72:14Rico!
72:16(exciting rock music)
72:21Do something, you stupid jerk!
72:23- Don't worry pop, we'll get 'em back.
72:25(exciting rock music)
72:36(slow country music)
72:43- Are you enjoying the ride boys?
72:46- Oh yes.
72:48Lovely, Miss Daisy.
72:50I don't believe this.
72:52- It supposed to be a getaway.
72:54At this rate, we'll be become (mumbles).
72:56(slow country music)
73:05- Well, this is about as far as I go.
73:08- Yeah well, thanks for the lift.
73:09- Yeah, thank you.
73:11- Have a nice trip back to Australia.
73:13- Yeah.
73:14We're not Australian, we're English!
73:16- Just leave.
73:17Come on, she's old.
73:18(exciting rock music)
73:20(car tires screeching)
73:44-[Rico] Sure it was them?
73:45- How many guys are running around the Everglades,
73:46dressed like Jimmy Connors?
73:48(exciting rock music)
74:06- Come on, Rodney.
74:07Increase your stamina.
74:08(bird cawing)
74:10Oh!
74:12Bloody hell!
74:15Kindly help me out of here, Rodney.
74:17- Come here.
74:19Come on.
74:20Oh.
74:21- Oh, oh.
74:23Oh.
74:26God, Benny.
74:28What the hell is that stuff, anyway?
74:30- Hey, we must be in the Everglades.
74:32- Everglades?
74:33Looks more like a swamp to me.
74:37- Well, it is a sw ...
74:40Not now.
74:45- Oh Rodney, just get me home, will ya?
74:47Back to England's green and pleasant land,
74:49and those dark, volcanic mills.
74:53- Yeah.
74:55Oh look, Del, let's just have a rest, hey?
74:58I think we're safe enough.
74:59Nobody can find us in here.
75:08- Look at me.
75:10Look, my hands are bleeding,
75:11my clothes are torn.
75:12Me ass is soaking wet.
75:14- And you're still whining?
75:15- Yes, it's all right for you,
75:17isn't it, hey?
75:18When I get piles,
75:19you can't have half of 'em.
75:21(frogs croaking)
75:46- Del boy.
75:47- Oh shut up, Rodney.
75:48You're gettin' on my nerves.
75:52- I want you to do something for me, Derek.
75:55I want you
75:57to stand up,
75:58and very slowly,
76:00walk away.
76:05- What is this?
76:06Simple Simon says?
76:07- Very slowly, walk away, Del.
76:11I don't want to alarm it.
76:16- Alarm what?
76:18- That thing behind us.
76:21(alligator hisses)
76:24- You mean, that thing?
76:30(yells)
76:34That's a bloody crocodile, Rodney.
76:36- No, it wasn't a crocodile.
76:37- I know a crocodile when I come face to face with one.
76:39I've seen enough Townsend Films.
76:41(exciting rockabilly music)
76:45(breathing heavily)
76:48- It was an alligator.
76:49- It's the same thing, isn't it?
76:51- No, no it's not.
76:53I mean, they may look alike,
76:54and they are from the same family,
76:56but biologically --
76:57- Do they eat ya?
76:58- Yeah.
76:59- Well, it's the same thing then, isn't it?
77:01I mean, who the hell let it out?
77:03- I don't know.
77:05They live here, in the Everglades.
77:08- They.
77:10Do you mean to say there's more than one of 'em?
77:12- Yeah.
77:13But don't panic.
77:15It's very rare to see them during the daylight,
77:17'cause they're normally a nocturnal animal.
77:20- Nocturnal?
77:22Are you tryin' to tell me,
77:23that come tea time,
77:24there'll be millions at the gates?
77:28- Yeah.
77:31- I just don't believe it.
77:35Just a minute.
77:36I've gotta be honest with you, Rodney.
77:38All in all,
77:39I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't come on this holiday
77:41with you.
77:43- Don't you blame me.
77:44I did not invite you, Derek.
77:46You invited yourself!
77:47(boat running)
77:57- It's a boat.
77:58It's a boat, my son, we're saved!
78:01- Get down, Rodney.
78:02Get down, get down.
78:03Could be the mafia.
78:05- What would they be doing on a boat?
78:06- Water skiing, what do ya think?
78:13- Look Marlene, an eagle!
78:16- It's not an eagle,
78:18it's a heron.
78:19- Right, let's take some photographs.
78:22(camera clicking)
78:32Marlene.
78:33You know, just for a moment there
78:35I thought I saw ...
78:37Gordon Bennett!
78:40- It's Del and Rodney!
78:43Hallo, Del!
78:44- Boycie!
78:46- Get over here, quick!
78:48- What in God's name are you doing here?
78:50- I forgot to kiss you goodbye at Gatwick!
78:53- Get that boat over here, quick!
78:55- Wayne,
78:57get over there.
78:58(exciting rockabilly music)
79:07- Are you all right, Del?
79:09- Terrific, sweetheart.
79:14- Come on brother.
79:15Let's go, let's go.
79:16- Good God!
79:17You smell like a vegetarian's fart.
79:19- At least my house hasn't been burgled.
79:20- What?
79:21- It's a joke.
79:22A joke!
79:23Right?
79:24Now let's get going!
79:24- Right, Wayne.
79:25Let's go.
79:26(exciting rockabilly music)
79:34- Rico, as your lawyer,
79:35I'm asking you to consider your actions carefully,
79:37before you do anything you might regret.
79:39- Okay.
79:40I'll consider it.
79:42-[Del] Everyone, duck!
79:43-[Boycie] Why?
79:44(gun shot fires)
79:45- That!
79:46- Get a bloody move on, Wayne!
79:49(gun shot fires)
79:50(exciting rockabilly music)
79:56- Hey, d'ya hear that, Curtis?
79:57Some jerks out there,
79:58loosin' off lip.
79:59Come on, let's go.
80:00(exciting rockabilly music)
80:03- Everything was going well.
80:05We were having a lovely holiday.
80:07- Shut up, moanie.
80:08- And then they turn up.
80:09Within 15 seconds,
80:10some sod's shooting at us.
80:12- You've done nothing but moan
80:13ever since we left Washington.
80:15- Get the bloody boat in, for God's sake!
80:17(exciting rockabilly music)
80:31- Rodney, hang about a minute.
80:45Rodney, let's go home.
80:49- Del, our plane don't leave 'til tomorrow night.
80:51- I know, I know.
80:52But we can sleep at the airport,
80:53at least we'll be that much closer to dear old England.
80:58Give us a lift to the airport, will ya Boycie?
81:01-[Newscaster] Last night, Coast Guard's in Biscayne Bay,
81:03boarded a Columbian yacht and discovered 17 tons of cocaine.
81:08Also on board the yacht,
81:09was the wanted drug baron, Alberto Vasquez.
81:11He was taken to Miami Police Central,
81:13where he is being questioned by FBI agents.
81:15The tip off for the drug bust came,
81:17when details of the delivery were left in the
81:19Florida Park Ranger's office.
81:21But the big story today,
81:22in Miami Superior Court,
81:24Don Vincenzo Occhetti, head of the most powerful
81:27mafia family in America,
81:28was found guilty of drug running,
81:30kidnap, and three counts of conspiring to commit murder.
81:34He was given six life sentences,
81:36to run concurrently.
81:37His son, Riccardo Occhetti,
81:39was arrested yesterday for illegal hunting
81:41in the Everglades National Park,
81:43and for possessing an unlicensed firearm.
81:45Police are now looking for two Australians,
81:48who may be able to assist them with this matter.
81:50(slow Italian music)
82:19- Welcome home, boys.
82:21(slow Italian music)
82:27(rock music)