Only Fools and Horses S00E13 — Mother Natures Son

Every line from “Mother Natures Son” (777 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E13 meme — “Yeah. You pay the extra cos they're organic.”

00:02# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:05# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09# Cos if you want the best 'uns, But you don't ask questions
00:14# Then brother, I'm your man
00:18# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:37# Here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun
00:43# Look to the future now
00:46# It's only just begun
00:53# So here it is, Merry Christmas everybody's having fun
01:02# Look to future now
01:05# It's only just begun
01:11# So here it is, Merry Christmas
01:14# Everybody's having fun... #
01:23MUSIC FROM "THE OMEN": "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff
01:41Oh, God. Not another day.
01:48RADIO: # So here it is, Merry Christmas... #
01:54What time is it?
01:56It's time for us to emigrate.
01:59Or at least discuss the advantages of a suicide pact.
02:03And how are we feeling this morning? Great(!)
02:07I'm 31 and I work for Trotter's Independent Traders!
02:12Some people would give their right arm to be in your position. Yes. They're all in padded cells!
02:19You seem more cheerful than yesterday.
02:23You should come to Trotter Towers one morning. It'd give Terry Waite the shakes.
02:30You can't move for teething rings, Farley rusks and funny smells.
02:36It's like Nightmare on Sesame Street!
02:39Raquel's got post-natal depression, Albert's got post-naval depression,
02:45and Damien chucks toys at my head.
02:48They're only fluffy dolls.
02:51Del's bought him a Tonka Toy for Christmas.
02:55How is Del now?
02:58Still putting a brave face on it - laughing and joking all the time.
03:03He's worrying the life out of me.
03:06We've not traded in months and he's acting like Ken Dodd on ecstasy.
03:11Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the recession.
03:14We're broke, he won't admit it.
03:18There's a lot of people in the same boat.You're doing all right.
03:23What?You got your promotion.
03:26I'm in charge of small business investment in Peckham - hardly the House Of Eliott!
03:32At least you DO something. I'm just me.
03:36You'll do for me, big boy!
03:45I'd better make the coffee.
03:47No.
03:49Stay here.
03:51You know what I'd like to do?No.
03:54I'd like us to go away for a weekend.
03:57Somewhere really nice. The two of us.
04:01I get a bonus at the end of the year. Maybe then, eh?
04:06Yeah.
04:08Look, I'm sorry, Cass.
04:11I've been feeling down, you know.
04:14That's why I've been...a bit lacking in certain areas recently.
04:19I understand. That's why I want us to go away.
04:23So you can relax.
04:26Is that nice?
04:28Really good. PHONE RINGS
04:31Don't answer!Why?It's Del. How d'you know?It's his ring.
04:35It's 7am! 7am - that don't matter to Del.
04:39Sleep's for wimps, remember?
04:41It might be Mummy. She might be ill.
04:44Don't answer it. Don't be ridiculous.
04:49Hello? ..Morning, Del.
04:51I left five minutes ago.
04:54No, he left about five minutes ago.
04:56Yeah?
04:59Well, I know he's your brother.
05:01I know that he's worried about you, as well.
05:05It happens to men under stress!
05:10I don't believe him!
05:12Well, aren't you the lucky one?!
05:15Have I got a what?
05:17No! And I wouldn't know where to get one.
05:21Tell him to mind his own bloody...
05:24Roddy's just popped back.
05:27No, he's left again.
05:29Yeah. Yeah, all right. Well, thanks.
05:32Bonjour... Uh, bye.
05:37Toast and marmalade?
05:45SNORING
05:58Rodney, any tea in the pot?
06:01Yeah. Plenty.
06:03Thank you.
06:06There you are, darling.
06:26# Me and Susie had so much fun
06:30# Holding hands and skimming stones... #Is that the radio?
06:33No, Elton John's just popped in. He's rehearsing in the kitchen(!)
06:38Any tea?
06:40No, it's empty.
06:43Call that music? It's a racket! It's all you youngsters are interested in! Noise!
06:50Did your generation enjoy itself?
06:52At your age, I was in the war!You must have made more noise than me!
07:06Hello, soldier. How are you?
07:09You're a little cracker, aren't ya?
07:12I can't imagine this flat without him, can you?
07:16No, little devil.
07:19You all right, Rodney?Yes.
07:21No, I mean... You all right? Yes!
07:27Everything's all right. All right, then.
07:30What's wrong?Nothing. It's all cushty with Rodders and Cassandra.
07:35Just a bit of stress.
07:37Can happen to any man.
07:40I just happen to be a bit lucky.
07:43Go and do us a bit of breakfast.
07:46Don't you think I've got enough to do, with the baby and the old man of the sea?
07:52I got all the housework to do and I finish that in time to cook dinner!
07:57Do it yourself, Trotter!
08:00Feed the baby.
08:06I don't know what's the matter with her. She won't tell me.
08:12Oh, come on.
08:14I don't know.
08:18I mean, what more does she want?
08:21She's got a nice home, a lovely little baby.
08:25Couldn't ask for a better bloke, could she?No...
08:30Is she happy? No, she is not!
08:33I'm down that casino nearly every night till the early hours, trying to win us some money.
08:40If she knew how much I owed, she'd realise how hard I've been trying!
08:47No, doesn't seem to be happy these days.
08:51Maybe it's these days that are the problem.
08:54There's no money and nothing for her to look forward to. It's all toil and boredom.
09:01You gotta take the rough with the smooth!
09:04It's gonna get a lot rougher!
09:08All, right, Del, let's have the truth. Something's going on and I want to know what.
09:15Everything's fine. We got no money, no business.
09:19Our future is about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operator's!
09:24No, everything is cushty!
09:27There's something else, Del. You've lost that sort of zip.
09:32The old Derek Trotter could smell a fiver in a force 9 gale.
09:37They said, "If Del fell into a viper pit, he'd come up in snakeskin shoes."Well!
09:43It's like you're carrying some sort of burden.
09:47Maybe it's affecting Raquel. It's affecting me.
09:51I ain't taking the blame for that thing.Shut up!
09:57If you don't tell me what's going on, I'll...
10:01I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just think I should know.
10:08No, you're right, Rodney.
10:10I can't keep anything from you.
10:13You remember, two years ago, I applied to the council to buy this flat?
10:19Well, what with the local elections and that, I forgot all about it.
10:24That was until a couple of days ago.
10:27Out of the blue, all me paperwork has come through.
10:31I own this flat.
10:34Oh, bloody hell.
10:37I worked it out.
10:40The mortgage is 2½ times the rent, and I can't afford the rent.
10:45That's what's upset Raquel? I haven't told her yet!
10:49Tell you what else comes with this flat. Remember Grandad's allotment?
10:54Oh, not that?Yeah, that.
10:57No-one's been near it for yonks.
10:59In the last 30 years, more people have walked on the moon than they have on that allotment.
11:06Honestly, an allotment.
11:09It's sickening. I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria.
11:17Del...
11:21Little sod threw his breakfast all over me!
11:25What a surprise. Come here.
11:31I'll feed him.
11:34Raquel's taken him to have a nap. Puts you right off, don't it?
11:39Nothing worse than Weetabix in a beard, is there?
11:53Sauce?!
11:56It's all going down the tubes!
11:58I must get money from somewhere. It's getting on top of me.
12:03Thanks, bruv.
12:05All right, Del, sit down. Listen to me.
12:08There was a bloke I knew at evening school. He reminded me of you.
12:14He was a really dynamic, go-ahead sort of bloke.
12:18But in other ways, he was like you.
12:24He was the type who would take a gamble.
12:27Anyway, a couple of years ago, he found a gap in the market.
12:33Gap in the warehouse door would suit me.
12:36Miles, his name was.Miles? A bit of a friend of the earth.
12:42He grew his own vegetables. He sounds dynamic(!)
12:46It's a massive market. People are turning to health food... for their health.
12:54What Miles noticed was that if he wanted a bag of natural fertiliser, he had to go to a specialist centre.
13:01But if he wanted organic vegetables, he had to go to a health food shop.
13:06So, he decided to combine the two entities.
13:11One centre where you could buy all your fertiliser and health food.
13:16He now owns four of these places and is opening a new one in Maidenhead.Maidenhead!
13:22In 2½ years, he has become a millionaire.
13:28Millionaire?At least.
13:30And?And what?
13:33What's in it for us?
13:36Oh. Well, me and Cassie go shopping there. She likes natural food.
13:41No, I didn't mean all that. I'm just saying...where do we come in?
13:47Nowhere.
13:49What did you tell me for, then?
13:53I wanted to point out that even these days, people are doing well.
13:58So it was just a nice little story, was it?
14:07That's like the parable of the lucky git.
14:10Well, that's cheered me right up, that has.
14:15I got to go and tell Raquel this.
14:18Come and listen to Rodney's story
14:21about some mush who's doing really well!
14:24He made a couple of million!
14:27It's warmed the cockles of my heart.
14:30Well, I'm gonna punch Rodney on the nose.
14:33Oh, dear...! Wish I'd kept my mouth shut.
14:38Where are you going today... darling?
14:42I don't know. Mooch about a bit, see if I can make us some poppy. I've a better idea.
14:49Why not sort out your allotment?
14:53This arrived this morning.
14:56It's a summons.Summons?Mmm.
14:59People are dumping rubbish on YOUR allotment.
15:02It is considered a health hazard.
15:06You have two weeks to clear it up.
15:09They even mention the possibility of a custodial sentence. There's a thing!
15:15Are you gonna tell me what's happening?
15:18You've spoiled the moment now. I was gonna tell you tonight. Tell me what?Tonight.
15:25Now!It's about the flat.
15:28What about the flat?..It's ours.
15:32I've bought it.
15:48Oh, good!
15:50I'll get champagne to celebrate.
15:53Not for me. I feel light-headed already.Our own home - we can do what we like with it.
16:00Like what? Add a conservatory or a patio?
16:03We've got a roof over our heads. And 14 flats!
16:09I'm gonna change the baby's nappy.
16:14DOOR SLAMS
16:16I think she's really excited about it.
16:20Well, who wouldn't be? Well, you know...
16:25I'll go and calm her down a bit.
16:30Are you all right, sweetheart?
16:35All right.
16:37I don't blame you for having the rats.
16:39It's enough to give Harry Secombe the hump.
16:43But I'll soon have some cash again.
16:45Is that what you think this is about? Money?
16:49Haven't you noticed? I haven't been out of this flat for months. You go shopping!
16:56I mean going out! And last year I decorated Damien's room.I know.
17:02Blinding job you made of it.Thanks.
17:04You got a piece of carpet that didn't fit.
17:08I'm looking for that.Damien had his own little room. Cosy, safe.
17:13Then you moved him in with us and filled his room with junk.
17:18That is my stock!Your stock, old junk - the same thing!
17:24Raquel, you don't seem to understand!
17:27Someone broke into my garage and nicked half my stock, so I brought it up here!Del!
17:35Hasn't it dawned on you yet? All you have in that room is what the thieves left behind.
17:42How do you hope to sell it when they didn't take it?!
17:54150 Bros LPs.
17:57Well, fashion changes so fast in the pop world.
18:01275 Free Nelson Mandela T-shirts.
18:07I bought these on the Thursday. By Saturday, he was out on parole.
18:12How was I to know that, eh?
18:20Charles and Di wedding plates.
18:23Nothing that a good sorting out wouldn't cure.
18:26A 9-carat identity bracelet inscribed with the name Gary.
18:33We got a box full of men's wigs, 50 pirated versions of The Poseidon Adventure -
18:40all on Betamax!
18:44200 litres of Romanian Riesling,
18:48Clear it out, Del.
18:50Just clear it out and give the room back to our baby.
18:55Who's to say I won't sell all this tomorrow?
18:59What are the chances of you meeting a bald, anti-apartheid, deep-sea diving Bros fan, with a Betamax,
19:06who likes Riesling and whose name is Gary?
19:13All right. I'll clear it out in the morning.
19:17That would cheer me up. I'd be a happy woman.
19:21You wait till you see our mortgage.
19:28Dear Lord, please let me prove to you that wealth won't spoil me.
19:37Raquel said we had to help you clear this room.Yes. Clear all this out. Make a clean start.
19:44You could flog the wine to Mike.
19:48I can't. He's a good friend.
19:50And he's tasted it.Yeah and he's...
19:55What did you buy that thing for?
19:58For you to go down and visit all the ships you sailed in(!)
20:07No, I read that diving was all the go with the yuppies.
20:12They meant scuba...Uh?
20:14Don't matter.
20:16Seems a shame to throw it all away. Well, we can't put it in the garage. It ain't safe, is it?
20:23What about Grandad's shed on his...YOUR allotment?
20:27Yeah, we could bung it all away there. Good thinking, Rodney.
20:33I'll go downstairs and open the van. You two bring all this stuff down.
20:55Well, what do you reckon, then?
20:58What do I reckon?
21:01The last time I saw a place like this was in Gorillas in the Mist.
21:06It's a jungle.
21:08Gawd knows what lives in there!
21:10Del.
21:12Will you stop that? You nearly gave me a connery!
21:17I could have sworn I saw the blowpipe and poison dart!
21:21Have you seen all the rubbish that's been dumped?
21:26This is ruining my shoes, this!
21:29Cor, look at this lot.
21:32What are these drums doing?
21:35They're full.
21:37I wonder what's in 'em? This one's open!
21:40It's yellow stuff.
21:43Cor, blimey, smell that.
21:47What is that?I don't know. Could be toxic.
21:51Could be bloody poisonous an' all!
21:57Del boy! Dave!
22:00Do you want to sweep this lot up? I'm not a roadsweeper any more.
22:06What are you - a piano tuner?
22:09I'm an environmental hygienist. What do they do?
22:13They sweep the roads.
22:17The council have upgraded me. Perhaps Trigger knows what this is.
22:22It's his game, innit? Leave it out.
22:26He couldn't find his way out of a phone box.He might have come across it on his rounds.
22:36It's some sort of yellow stuff.
22:40You were bloody right, Albert. He's got it spot on.
22:45No hesitation, was there?
22:47You gotta get rid of it. THIS is the health hazard the council meant.
22:53OK, we'll pour it down the drain.
22:56You can't pour it down a public sewer. It might be volatile.
23:02You could create a disaster area.
23:05There's a 24-hour waste disposal depot down Stamford Road.
23:10Good idea. Thanks, Trig.
23:13We can get these in the back of the van.
23:16No!
23:19Well, how am I gonna get rid of them?
23:22HORN BLOWS
23:24Del Boy!
23:29Rodney!
23:31ALL: Denzil.
23:37Let's get these drums in the back of your van.
23:41Not so fast. What are these things?
23:45It's nothing to worry about. It's just, you know, some gunge.
23:50What sort of gunge?
23:52What do you mean? Gunge is gunge, innit?
23:56Hang on, Trig.
23:59For all we know, this could be Concorde fuel.
24:03No, it's not! It's anti-freeze out of the Starship Enterprise.
24:09Bloody fuel!
24:12It'll be battery acid out of Thunderbird Three next!
24:16Look, do you want this contract or not? I am a busy man! I've got things to do!
24:23How can we be certain this stuff isn't dangerous?
24:28Because it is not! And that is the truth! Cor, dear!
24:32There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth.
24:37What do you mean? It's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein.
24:43Del knows his stuff. And what's the Beatles' manager got to with it?
24:50What?
24:52Del was the best in our class at chemistry!
24:56He used to make fireworks. He even blew up the lab.
25:00I was doing detention in there at the time!
25:05And you say he don't know what he's talking about? That's it! I'm off!Denzil!
25:11It's harmless. I'll help you carry it!
25:16I can't say fairer than that.
25:19It can't be dangerous. How can you be sure?
25:22Del's just offered to help carry them.
25:27Yeah, all right, all right.
25:40Lovely jubbly.
25:52DENZIL: It's closed.
25:55It's a bit late, innit.
25:58What do you mean, it's a bit late? You said it opened 24 hours a day!
26:04Yeah, but not at night.
26:14What do we do? We've 6,000 gallons of "something" in the back of my van!
26:20We could take it down the other council depot.
26:24Is it open?No.
26:27Then what's the point in taking it there, if it's not open?
26:32It soon will be. I've got a spare set of keys.
26:36Bloody hell!
26:39Are you sure this is all right?
26:41Who cares?!Yeah, no problem. Come on, back up.
26:45Is it legal?Yes! Now just back up, will you, Denzil?
26:50Stone me! It's bloody hot in here!
26:53I can't see the fascination with this diving lark.
27:10There you are. Aren't you glad you listened to me tonight?
27:15Eh? These are austere times, Denzil.
27:19If I hadn't persuaded you, you'd have lost the contract. I suppose.
27:24No suppose so about it. Right, that's 50 quid I owe you.
27:28Owe me?Yes, I'm not gonna ask you to do this as a favour for me.
27:34No matter how much you want to. But...
27:37Don't try and persuade me, Denzil.
27:40I'm gonna see you for that money.
27:43He'd do anything for anyone, eh?
27:46That's what mates are all about.
27:49Gets you right here, dunnit?
27:51You're down in my book, Denzil.
27:54Shan't forget tonight.
27:56Same here.
28:04Thanks for everything. See you, Denzil, Trig.
28:07Night, Del. See you.
28:24What's this?
28:26You know that bloke I was telling you about?
28:29The one who has done well and is a millionaire(?)
28:34Yeah. Well, this is one of his places.Oh.
28:38Why are we here? Cassie asked me to go shopping.
28:42Shopping?!Yeah. For dinner tonight.
28:47What's the point of getting married and then doing the bloody shopping yourself?
28:54No wonder you've got problems.Oi.
28:56You keep your nose out of my business.All right!
29:05It don't half pen and ink in here! Sssh.
29:08That's the fertiliser and the manu... And other things.
29:13Everything in here is grown the way nature intended.
29:17Oh, yeah(?)
29:18Must be nice for you and Cassandra to know everything on your plate was once under a pile of horse shit!
29:25Get the rest of the shopping and then we'll be off.
29:30Hurry up, will you?
29:32Blimey, seen the price of these spuds?!
29:35Yeah. You pay the extra cos they're organic.
29:39There are no E1-20s in them.
29:42E1-20s... What you talking about?
29:44Before you met Cassandra, you thought an E1-20 was a bus!
29:49What's this? Look.
29:52Sprout tops?
29:5528 pence a pound?
29:57Cor, look at the price of these carrots!
30:01I tell you...
30:03What's this? Wait a minute, this is water, innit?
30:09Water at 65 PENCE a bottle.
30:12Shut up. We happen to like this water.
30:16Maybe she'll like this even more. It's only 72 pence a bottle.
30:21Is this what people are spending their money on nowadays?Yeah.
30:26It's a growth industry.Is it?
30:29Is it really?
30:31Rodney. >
30:33Miles.
30:38How are you doing?Good. Yourself?
30:40Yeah, fine.
30:42This is my brother Del. Del, Miles.
30:45Pleased to meet you, son.And you.
30:47What do you think? In one word - impressed.
30:51In one word - bloody expensive.
30:54Expensive?Yeah. Look at the price of your spuds, carrots, not to mention your brussel sprout tops!
31:02Water - 72p a bottle?It comes from the most natural sources in Britain,
31:07and Switzerland and France and Italy.
31:10I'm a founder member of the SWANS Committee.
31:13Oh.Oh, swans? Them big white duck things?
31:19No, Del. It's an acronym.
31:22That's what I thought. I was just about to say, "That's an anacronym"!
31:29You'd have been right. What d'you feed 'em on?What?
31:35Your nacronyms.
31:37Del, it's not a duck or a goose.
31:40An acronym is a name made out of the initials of a set of words.
31:46Oh, yeah! THAT anacronym! Yeah!
31:50I've got to rush, Rodney. It's been...
31:54It's been real.
31:56Yeah.
31:59Big bloody ducks!
32:05You what?
32:07SWANS stands for the Spa Water And Natural Spring Committee. Miles is a vice-president.
32:15He gives out certificates of purity. Without his signature, these companies can't sell their goods.
32:22You have to admire him. He's going places.
32:26With a name like Miles, he's bound to.
32:31Cabbage.
32:41Shows what a bit of hard work can do.Gives you a nice warm feeling.
32:47What's a few aches and blisters when you see a vision like this?
32:52I know what you mean.
32:54Look at that. It's 12 o'clock. Oi, you two!
33:01Have a bite to eat. You've worked hard. You deserve it.
33:08Back in an hour, Del.No rush.
33:11We'll never get this finished today.
33:14There's always tomorrow. That's my motto. See you in an hour.
33:26TRIGGER: Right, Dave?
33:32What's your bloody game?What's up?
33:35Miles phoned the flat to confirm your appointment.Aha!
33:40Good! He's coming. What's your game?
33:47Nothing, Rodders. Nothing.
33:49It's just that after our visit to Miles' place last week, something happened to me.
33:57It came like a blinding flash of light.
34:00It was like...like St Paul's journey on the road for Tabascos.
34:06These rough hands will feed my woman and my child. I'm a born-again gardener!
34:13You've NEVER done any gardening.
34:15It's been awkward, 12 floors up in a tower block. Now's my chance!
34:21To you, a King Edward is something to smoke. All HE'S ever grown is a beard.
34:29You know nothing about gardening. No. But I know a man who DOES.
34:34That's why I gave Miles a bell. He didn't seem to mind.
34:39I suppose not. It's in his interest. He could flog you his fertilisers.
34:45Exactly. He helps me and I help him. CAR TOOTS HORN
34:51Sounds like him now.
34:57Ship ahoy. Ship ahoy, Albert!
35:01You know what to say and do, don't you?Yeah. Leave it to me, son.
35:07Don't go overboard. Nice and easy does it. Nice and easy. Off you go.
35:15Miles! How lovely to see you again. Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, innit?
35:22Is this it?Yes. This is it.
35:25You said you had land. You even talked about leaving one area fallow.
35:31No. It's just an allotment.
35:34Yes, I can SEE it's an allotment.
35:37The thing is, Miles, I'm new to all this gardening mullarkey.
35:42I thought you could advise. Rodney says you're the kiddy when it comes to an organic swede.
35:49Anything I need WILL be bought from your garden centre. Yes. Well, OK. Fine.
35:57Are you working with compost? No. I think it must be his pipe.
36:05I mean, do you have a compost heap?
36:08Oh, I see. No, not yet, but I'm keeping my eye open for one.
36:14First, we have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
36:20Oh.
36:23It's this earthy sort, innit?
36:26There are many varieties of soil, Del.
36:31There's... There's all sorts, right, Miles?
36:35What's he doing?
36:38He's a gardener!
36:41He's...
36:44What are you actually doing, Miles?
36:47Testing the soil for texture and structure.
36:50I'd watch it if I were you. There's a lot of cats round here.
36:55It's slightly alkaline. No, thanks.
36:59I had a fry-up early this morning.
37:02It can take five years of drainage and care to achieve a perfect crop.
37:08Five years? I thought it would take a long time.
37:31We'll try a cocktail of fish meal, dried blood, compost and horse and cow manure.Lovely jubbly!
37:45Then we'll talk about crop rotation. But first, a good digging over.
37:52No, Miles. Albert will get it for you.
37:55What's that?What?The water.Oh...
38:00That's just the old Peckham spring.
38:03Rodney, get Miles' soil testing kit from his car.No, wait a minute. The Peckham spring?
38:10I never knew there was a spring in Peckham.Oh, yes. That's why it's called the Peckham spring.
38:17It's in the Domesday Book. We don't know where the spring comes from.
38:23No. It certainly sprung up from somewhere!
38:29This is fascinating. A natural urban spring. This is a real discovery!
38:34Is it pure?I wouldn't think so. Not with all this alkaline soil.
38:40I've been drinking it since I was a nipper. Never done me any harm.
38:47Don't take no notice of him. Look at him! He's 98. He's a bit...
38:55He's 98?Yeah. Isn't he, Rodney?
39:00Yeah. But only recently!
39:04I'd like to take a sample of the water for analysis.Why?
39:09To test its purity.It ain't pure.
39:12Take my word for it. It ain't pure.
39:15Rodney's right. It can't be pure. It comes from the centre of the earth, through all the rocks.
39:23It's those rocks that filter out the impurities and give it life-preserving qualities.
39:29Minerals!
39:31You've lost me.I've got a feeling it won't take you long to catch up.
39:37What I'm saying, Derek... May I call you Del?Mais oui, mon pleasure.
39:42If - and I must emphasise the word "if"...
39:45IF this water passes our laboratory tests, there is a strong possibility that we could bottle it.
39:53Sorry, Miles. What do you mean by "bottle it"?
39:58He means "put it into bottles", Del.
40:02I don't expect you to understand this water's potential, so I'll explain it in simple terms.
40:10You have the source - the spring.
40:12I have the means to sell it -
40:15my natural food shops. If successful, we could expand to supermarkets.
40:20Let's see if I've got this straight.
40:24You're saying that we could bottle this water and then sell it?
40:30By George, I think he's got it.
40:33I'm saying it's a possibility, depending on the test results.
40:39I need something to take a sample with.Here's a bucket.
40:43No, I need a sterilised container.
40:46I'll nip back to the garden centre. I'll be back soon.No need.
40:51I've got the very thing in my briefcase. Albert!
40:55I went down to Mothercare this morning
40:59to get my baby a new bottle - a sterilised bottle! Will that do?
41:05Fine. How old's the baby?Nearly two.
41:09He's a bit slow going on to solids, but we're not worried. Rodney was 3½ before he left the breast.
41:18Albert, fill that with water from the Peckham spring. Don't get any dirt on the bottle.Leave it to me.
41:26Maybe I should...I wanted to ask what you meant by crop rotation.
41:31Do I have to dig up me spuds and brussels sprouts and turn 'em over?
41:40What do you want?I want to see how you'll get out of this.
41:49I don't believe it! We'll end up in the nick!Not me. I'm an old man!
41:55..You rotate them as well?Yes. Here he is!
41:59All right?Wonderful. I'll send it to the lab today.
42:04Now, beans and carrots.Eh?We were talking about beans and carrots.
42:09Oh. I've gone off the idea of growing vegetables now.
42:14Let's go down the road and have a pint.
42:49I think it's a miracle.Yep. It certainly is a miracle.
42:54Mum is up there, smiling down on us, making sure her lads don't starve.
43:00We've been doing this three weeks, and we're not banged up in nick!
43:05We ain't doing nothing illegal. Nothing illegal? We're selling public water to the public!
43:12No. Water USED to be public. Then Maggie privatised it.
43:17It now belongs to a board of directors and investors.
43:22They sell it to us. We sell it on. We're just repackaging it.
43:28Esso buy oil from Kuwait. They repackage it and sell it as petrol. It's not illegal.
43:34What about the Trades Descriptions Act? It ain't from a spring.
43:39Sainsbury's sell runner beans, but they ain't been round the track!
43:44What about the claim on the label? "From an ancient and natural source".
43:50The Thames. Can't be more ancient and natural than that!
43:55SWANS said it was some of the finest water they've ever analysed.
44:01Because they didn't analyse this. It was Malvern or Buxton water.
44:06Will you stop splitting hairs?
44:09In a fortnight, Peckham Spring has become Miles' biggest seller.
44:15Go and see how Raquel's getting on, will ya?
44:24I'm surprised you're party to all this.
44:28I'm doing it for the man I love. I'll claim a crime of passion - or insanity.
44:34YOU haven't turned the money down.
44:37I'm making it easier on Del when it goes to court. The less he makes, the lighter his sentence will be.
44:44It APPEARS I'm sharing the profits. But I'm REALLY halving the guilt. True brotherly love and courage(!)
44:52If they didn't mean so much to me, I'd give you me medals.Shut up!
45:04I see Peckham Spring is doing well.What? They sell it at the local wine bar.
45:10The waiter said it's very popular. It has a taste of its own.
45:15Yeah. It's called fluoride.
45:18Sorry?I said...it's got to be tried.
45:22Everyone's buying it. And it's on trial.
45:25Trial? What trial?!A supermarket chain are giving it a two-week trial.
45:31Yeah. That's right.
45:34Are you OK?Yeah. Fine.
45:37If you're worried about...you know... Remember, don't be uptight. It's got nothing to do with that!
45:44Cass, if I tell you a secret, do you promise never to tell a soul?
45:51Cross my heart. Go on. What is it?
45:56You know Peckham Spring? What about it?
46:00It's tap water.
46:04Tap water?Yeah. Tap water.
46:07What d'you mean, tap water? Well... Water from a tap.
46:13From a tap? What tap?
46:16The one in Del's kitchen.
46:21You're kidding. Tell me you're joking.No, really.
46:26He puts a bottle under a tap, fills it up, and sells it for 45p.
46:31Oh, my GOD! God help us! Don't panic. It's nothing to do with you.Nothing to do with me?!
46:39Where do you think he got the money to buy bottles and equipment,
46:45and to pay Daddy for printing his labels?Well... YOU?!
46:49Yes. He came to the bank for a loan.
46:52And you GAVE it to him?!
46:55I'm in charge of small business investment. It looked like it had a future.
47:02Someone found a spring that had received a certificate of purity. You believed Del?!
47:08No, Roddy. I believed YOU!
47:11Del told me not to tell. Why didn't you tell me you'd given him money?
47:17That's confidential between the bank and its client!
47:21Well, now you know. What are you gonna do?I've got no choice.
47:27I'll have to keep quiet about it. Really?I crossed my heart and promised not to tell a soul.
47:34If I told the bank, I'd lose my promotion.
47:37I don't fancy visiting my husband in Wormwood Scrubs every week!
47:42But IS selling water illegal? I was charged 20p in the garage last week to fill up my radiator!
47:50Del's kept up the repayments, and you're earning lots of money.
47:55I've never been so well off. But a geological aspect is now involved.
48:01We're taking thousands of gallons a week. The water board think they have a major underground leak!
48:11It's the middle of winter and the local papers are issuing drought warnings.
48:17So, people are going out and panic-buying Peckham bloody Spring!
48:22We've got to take more water to stay up with the demand!
48:27To top it all, some prat advised him to advertise on local radio!
48:36You? Why?!Del's my client. It's my job to advise him!
48:41You're not dealing with a normal person. This is Derek Trotter!
48:47He is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Bob Geldof and Lenny Henry any minute!
49:04I've always believed in powdered rhino horn... Shtum.
49:12Raquel!
49:14Ahh...
49:16I'm so happy for you.
49:18It must be lovely suddenly coming into money after all these years. We're enjoying it.
49:26I bet you are. You can come to my coffee mornings now!
49:31Thank you. See you in a minute. I'm bursting.
49:35You're not the only one. The garden party next!
49:39I hear business is booming, Rodney. Yep. Peckham Spring's selling hand over foot.
49:45I find it hard to believe that Del Boy has become so professional in his business approach.
49:52He never had a chance to prove it. If he hadn't cleared the allotment, he'd never have found the spring.
50:00Why'd he clear it? He's no Alan Titmarsh - a tit, maybe!
50:04During our lifetime, we go through changes.
50:09Del became ecologically aware of the damage we do to Mother Earth.
50:14That summons made him ecologically aware!
50:18At least he brought in experts to get rid of them chemicals.
50:23Since when have Denzil and Trigger been experts?
50:27Denzil and...? He told me he used specialists!
50:31No, Trigger could be considered a specialist.Trigger don't know which end of the dart to throw!
50:39He works for the council. He could dispose of them at the environmental waste unit.
50:46Denzil says they chucked them in a pond.A pond?!A pond!
50:51Wait till I see Del!
50:55How are Denzil and Trigger? Dunno. Ain't seen 'em for weeks.
51:00What about this Peckham Spring? Knowing Del, I wouldn't be surprised if it ain't coming out of a tap!
51:08No! I've seen the certificate. I'm even buying the stuff. You don't think I'M stupid, do ya?
51:18A pond?That's what Boycie said. Wait till I see Del!
51:22Please, no rows tonight. It's the first time we've been happy for ages.
51:28OK. I'll have him tomorrow, though.
51:34Rodders, tomorrow we'll go down the allotment and clear out the shed.
51:39What do we want with Bros LPs and Romanian Riesling?Or those wigs.
51:45I don't know why I bought them wigs!A wig saved my life once.
51:50Yeah, well... We'll dump it all somewhere.
51:53Just so long as it's not in a POND.
51:56Pond? What's he talking about? I don't know.
52:00How did a wig save your life? Tell her, will ya?
52:04You've got a mouth and a half! I'm interested.
52:09It must have been during the war. Maybe it wasn't during the war.
52:14During the war...
52:17During the war, I was out in the Pacific, fighting the Japs.
52:23My skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to wear a wig.
52:27Couldn't tell, except in rough seas, when it would slide to one side.
52:33One day, we were attacked by a kamikaze pilot. He came zooming in.
52:38I said, "The way he's going, he'll kill himself!"
52:42Anyway...
52:46He smashed into us. Nine of us, and the skipper, were marooned at sea, with the lifeboats smashed to bits.
52:54The ten of you got on the captain's wig?
53:01Don't be facetious! I'm talking about heroes!
53:05Sorry.
53:08We was washed up on an island. The natives had never seen a white man.
53:13They were waggling their spears and getting very angry.
53:18Captain Kenworthy said, "Leave this to me, lads."
53:22He stepped forward and whipped his wig off!
53:26You should have seen their faces! The skipper knew they'd never seen a wig before!
53:33What did they do? Make him a god? No. They killed him!
53:39They wanted the wig. Thought it had magic powers. They ran off with it.
53:45We got picked up by an Australian frigate.
53:49Well, we're off home now.
53:56Roddy, remember we said we'd try to have a weekend away?Yeah.
54:01We can afford it now. Why not go tomorrow night? Just the two of us.
54:07All alone?You and me in a lovely hotel overlooking the sea.
54:12In a king-sized bed? You can do a lot of rolling around in a king-sized bed!
54:18I've heard a dozen oysters... Derek!
54:22I won't be in tomorrow. Why's that?
54:26Me and Cassandra are going to the seaside to be on our own. You don't mind?
54:32Course I don't mind. It's a great idea.
54:36In fact, we'll come with you!
54:40Raquel, fancy a weekend at the seaside?Sure!
54:44This calls for a celebration!
54:48Guess what?
54:53THE BEATLES: # The best things in life are free
54:56# But you can keep them for the birds and bees
55:00# Give me money! That's what I want
55:04# That's what I want
55:07# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
55:11# That's what I want
55:15# Your loving gives me a thrill
55:19# But your loving don't pay my bills. Give me money
55:24# That's what I want! That's what I want
55:29# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
55:33# That's what I want
55:38# Money don't get everything, it's true
55:41# What it don't get, I can't use
55:44# Now, give me money! That's what I want
55:48# That's what I want! That's what I want
55:51# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
55:56# That's what I want
56:14# Money don't get everything, it's true
56:18# What it don't get, I can't use
56:22# Now, give me money! That's what I want
56:26# That's what I want
56:29# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
56:34# That's what I want! #
56:39A glass of champagne, darling? I think you could persuade me.
56:45Oh, yes! We've got this in our blood, haven't we, darling?
56:51Well, champagne, certainly.
56:53No, I meant the lifestyle. Didn't I always promise you a life like this? Didn't I?
57:02Yes, you did. I'll make the most of it before they put you in prison.
57:07They're not gonna put me in prison. You've got to do something illegal to go to prison!
57:14I'm just selling a popular product!
57:17Look - even the best hotels in the world are selling Peckham Spring.
57:22We're on a winner. This is just the beginning! As for you, champ...
57:28it'll be Mercedes,
57:31and Cecil Gee suits and Lanzarote, all the way!
57:35You won't know any other life.
57:38Why should you worry, eh?
57:41I'd better put him down.Yeah. I'm gonna go and see Rodney.
57:46Del...
57:48Leave 'em. They're trying to sort their lives out.
57:52It's 9.00. They ought to show more decorum!
57:58Hey!What're you doing?!
58:01I popped in to see how you was. Don't get embarrassed. You've got nothing there that'll frighten ME!
58:09Why have we got interconnecting doors?
58:13That's my idea - so we can mingle, like families do.You've popped in more times than a gas meter reader.
58:21Shut up, you tart!
58:25Where's Cassandra?She went into the bathroom half an hour ago.
58:30Those sandwiches were all right, weren't they?
58:34Yeah. She's just gone to...slip into something.Half an hour? What's she slipped into - a coma?
58:41No! She's...
58:45..You know.
58:48I understand. Don't worry. You'll be all right, bruv.
58:52You just relax.
58:55Don't let yourself get all taut and rigid.
58:59Well, you know, not ALL of you.
59:03Don't come listening!Don't make too much noise. Damien's sleeping.
59:09See you in the morning.
59:27That's it, babe. You have a lovely warm.
59:35You dream some lovely dreams. Eh?
59:42You dream about Christmas,
59:45and all the presents that Santa Claus is gonna bring you.
59:50A little baby like you is gonna be right at the top of his VIP list.
59:56You know, when I was a little ankle-biter like you,
60:01all I ever got for Christmas was an orange and clump round the earhole.
60:08Still, the orange was nice.
60:12I wish I knew what you was dreaming.
60:17It don't matter. As long as it's a happy one.
60:23..And I'm in it.
60:26DOOR OPENS
60:34Raquel!
60:42Cor!
60:44You look...really nice.
60:48Thank you.
60:54I love you.
60:57I love you, Trotter.
61:05Right!
61:19Sorry I've been so long.
61:28They say the best things take time.
61:56TELEVISION NEWS IS ON
61:59'A late news item. The London Borough of Peckham is tonight without water,
62:06'after a reservoir was found to be contaminated.
62:09'The drums of a chemical yet to be identified were found this afternoon.
62:15'They appear to have been dumped in the reservoir a month ago.
62:21'A water board spokesperson said that cutting water supplies was a precautionary measure,
62:27'and there is no need for alarm.'
62:44Everything's coming up roses for us, sweetheart.
62:48Getting better every day.Mmm.
62:54It's all thanks to the Peckham spring.
62:58I wouldn't mind betting this time next week...
63:03..I'll be in all the papers.
63:35# No income tax, no VAT
63:38# No money back, no guarantee
63:41# Black or white, rich or poor
63:45# We'll cut prices at a stroke
63:49# God bless Hookey Street
63:52# Viva Hookey Street
63:55# Long live Hookey Street
63:58# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
64:01# Magnifique, Hookey Street
64:06# Hookey Street. #
64:09Subtitles by Miriam Greenblum and Paul Sapsford, 1992