Only Fools and Horses S00E13 — Mother Natures Son

Every line from “Mother Natures Son” (777 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:02# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:05# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09# Cos if you want the best 'uns, But you don't ask questions
00:14# Then brother, I'm your man
00:18# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:37# Here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun
00:43# Look to the future now
00:46# It's only just begun
00:53# So here it is, Merry Christmas everybody's having fun
01:02# Look to future now
01:05# It's only just begun
01:11# So here it is, Merry Christmas
01:14# Everybody's having fun... #
01:23MUSIC FROM "THE OMEN": "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff
01:41Oh, God. Not another day.
01:48RADIO: # So here it is, Merry Christmas... #
01:54What time is it?
01:56It's time for us to emigrate.
01:59Or at least discuss the advantages of a suicide pact.
02:03And how are we feeling this morning? Great(!)
02:07I'm 31 and I work for Trotter's Independent Traders!
02:12Some people would give their right arm to be in your position. Yes. They're all in padded cells!
02:19You seem more cheerful than yesterday.
02:23You should come to Trotter Towers one morning. It'd give Terry Waite the shakes.
02:30You can't move for teething rings, Farley rusks and funny smells.
02:36It's like Nightmare on Sesame Street!
02:39Raquel's got post-natal depression, Albert's got post-naval depression,
02:45and Damien chucks toys at my head.
02:48They're only fluffy dolls.
02:51Del's bought him a Tonka Toy for Christmas.
02:55How is Del now?
02:58Still putting a brave face on it - laughing and joking all the time.
03:03He's worrying the life out of me.
03:06We've not traded in months and he's acting like Ken Dodd on ecstasy.
03:11Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the recession.
03:14We're broke, he won't admit it.
03:18There's a lot of people in the same boat.You're doing all right.
03:23What?You got your promotion.
03:26I'm in charge of small business investment in Peckham - hardly the House Of Eliott!
03:32At least you DO something. I'm just me.
03:36You'll do for me, big boy!
03:45I'd better make the coffee.
03:47No.
03:49Stay here.
03:51You know what I'd like to do?No.
03:54I'd like us to go away for a weekend.
03:57Somewhere really nice. The two of us.
04:01I get a bonus at the end of the year. Maybe then, eh?
04:06Yeah.
04:08Look, I'm sorry, Cass.
04:11I've been feeling down, you know.
04:14That's why I've been...a bit lacking in certain areas recently.
04:19I understand. That's why I want us to go away.
04:23So you can relax.
04:26Is that nice?
04:28Really good. PHONE RINGS
04:31Don't answer!Why?It's Del. How d'you know?It's his ring.
04:35It's 7am! 7am - that don't matter to Del.
04:39Sleep's for wimps, remember?
04:41It might be Mummy. She might be ill.
04:44Don't answer it. Don't be ridiculous.
04:49Hello? ..Morning, Del.
04:51I left five minutes ago.
04:54No, he left about five minutes ago.
04:56Yeah?
04:59Well, I know he's your brother.
05:01I know that he's worried about you, as well.
05:05It happens to men under stress!
05:10I don't believe him!
05:12Well, aren't you the lucky one?!
05:15Have I got a what?
05:17No! And I wouldn't know where to get one.
05:21Tell him to mind his own bloody...
05:24Roddy's just popped back.
05:27No, he's left again.
05:29Yeah. Yeah, all right. Well, thanks.
05:32Bonjour... Uh, bye.
05:37Toast and marmalade?
05:45SNORING
05:58Rodney, any tea in the pot?
06:01Yeah. Plenty.
06:03Thank you.
06:06There you are, darling.
06:26# Me and Susie had so much fun
06:30# Holding hands and skimming stones... #Is that the radio?
06:33No, Elton John's just popped in. He's rehearsing in the kitchen(!)
06:38Any tea?
06:40No, it's empty.
06:43Call that music? It's a racket! It's all you youngsters are interested in! Noise!
06:50Did your generation enjoy itself?
06:52At your age, I was in the war!You must have made more noise than me!
07:06Hello, soldier. How are you?
07:09You're a little cracker, aren't ya?
07:12I can't imagine this flat without him, can you?
07:16No, little devil.
07:19You all right, Rodney?Yes.
07:21No, I mean... You all right? Yes!
07:27Everything's all right. All right, then.
07:30What's wrong?Nothing. It's all cushty with Rodders and Cassandra.
07:35Just a bit of stress.
07:37Can happen to any man.
07:40I just happen to be a bit lucky.
07:43Go and do us a bit of breakfast.
07:46Don't you think I've got enough to do, with the baby and the old man of the sea?
07:52I got all the housework to do and I finish that in time to cook dinner!
07:57Do it yourself, Trotter!
08:00Feed the baby.
08:06I don't know what's the matter with her. She won't tell me.
08:12Oh, come on.
08:14I don't know.
08:18I mean, what more does she want?
08:21She's got a nice home, a lovely little baby.
08:25Couldn't ask for a better bloke, could she?No...
08:30Is she happy? No, she is not!
08:33I'm down that casino nearly every night till the early hours, trying to win us some money.
08:40If she knew how much I owed, she'd realise how hard I've been trying!
08:47No, doesn't seem to be happy these days.
08:51Maybe it's these days that are the problem.
08:54There's no money and nothing for her to look forward to. It's all toil and boredom.
09:01You gotta take the rough with the smooth!
09:04It's gonna get a lot rougher!
09:08All, right, Del, let's have the truth. Something's going on and I want to know what.
09:15Everything's fine. We got no money, no business.
09:19Our future is about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operator's!
09:24No, everything is cushty!
09:27There's something else, Del. You've lost that sort of zip.
09:32The old Derek Trotter could smell a fiver in a force 9 gale.
09:37They said, "If Del fell into a viper pit, he'd come up in snakeskin shoes."Well!
09:43It's like you're carrying some sort of burden.
09:47Maybe it's affecting Raquel. It's affecting me.
09:51I ain't taking the blame for that thing.Shut up!
09:57If you don't tell me what's going on, I'll...
10:01I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just think I should know.
10:08No, you're right, Rodney.
10:10I can't keep anything from you.
10:13You remember, two years ago, I applied to the council to buy this flat?
10:19Well, what with the local elections and that, I forgot all about it.
10:24That was until a couple of days ago.
10:27Out of the blue, all me paperwork has come through.
10:31I own this flat.
10:34Oh, bloody hell.
10:37I worked it out.
10:40The mortgage is 2½ times the rent, and I can't afford the rent.
10:45That's what's upset Raquel? I haven't told her yet!
10:49Tell you what else comes with this flat. Remember Grandad's allotment?
10:54Oh, not that?Yeah, that.
10:57No-one's been near it for yonks.
10:59In the last 30 years, more people have walked on the moon than they have on that allotment.
11:06Honestly, an allotment.
11:09It's sickening. I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria.
11:17Del...
11:21Little sod threw his breakfast all over me!
11:25What a surprise. Come here.
11:31I'll feed him.
11:34Raquel's taken him to have a nap. Puts you right off, don't it?
11:39Nothing worse than Weetabix in a beard, is there?
11:53Sauce?!
11:56It's all going down the tubes!
11:58I must get money from somewhere. It's getting on top of me.
12:03Thanks, bruv.
12:05All right, Del, sit down. Listen to me.
12:08There was a bloke I knew at evening school. He reminded me of you.
12:14He was a really dynamic, go-ahead sort of bloke.
12:18But in other ways, he was like you.
12:24He was the type who would take a gamble.
12:27Anyway, a couple of years ago, he found a gap in the market.
12:33Gap in the warehouse door would suit me.
12:36Miles, his name was.Miles? A bit of a friend of the earth.
12:42He grew his own vegetables. He sounds dynamic(!)
12:46It's a massive market. People are turning to health food... for their health.
12:54What Miles noticed was that if he wanted a bag of natural fertiliser, he had to go to a specialist centre.
13:01But if he wanted organic vegetables, he had to go to a health food shop.
13:06So, he decided to combine the two entities.
13:11One centre where you could buy all your fertiliser and health food.
13:16He now owns four of these places and is opening a new one in Maidenhead.Maidenhead!
13:22In 2½ years, he has become a millionaire.
13:28Millionaire?At least.
13:30And?And what?
13:33What's in it for us?
13:36Oh. Well, me and Cassie go shopping there. She likes natural food.
13:41No, I didn't mean all that. I'm just saying...where do we come in?
13:47Nowhere.
13:49What did you tell me for, then?
13:53I wanted to point out that even these days, people are doing well.
13:58So it was just a nice little story, was it?
14:07That's like the parable of the lucky git.
14:10Well, that's cheered me right up, that has.
14:15I got to go and tell Raquel this.
14:18Come and listen to Rodney's story
14:21about some mush who's doing really well!
14:24He made a couple of million!
14:27It's warmed the cockles of my heart.
14:30Well, I'm gonna punch Rodney on the nose.
14:33Oh, dear...! Wish I'd kept my mouth shut.
14:38Where are you going today... darling?
14:42I don't know. Mooch about a bit, see if I can make us some poppy. I've a better idea.
14:49Why not sort out your allotment?
14:53This arrived this morning.
14:56It's a summons.Summons?Mmm.
14:59People are dumping rubbish on YOUR allotment.
15:02It is considered a health hazard.
15:06You have two weeks to clear it up.
15:09They even mention the possibility of a custodial sentence. There's a thing!
15:15Are you gonna tell me what's happening?
15:18You've spoiled the moment now. I was gonna tell you tonight. Tell me what?Tonight.
15:25Now!It's about the flat.
15:28What about the flat?..It's ours.
15:32I've bought it.
15:48Oh, good!
15:50I'll get champagne to celebrate.
15:53Not for me. I feel light-headed already.Our own home - we can do what we like with it.
16:00Like what? Add a conservatory or a patio?
16:03We've got a roof over our heads. And 14 flats!
16:09I'm gonna change the baby's nappy.
16:14DOOR SLAMS
16:16I think she's really excited about it.
16:20Well, who wouldn't be? Well, you know...
16:25I'll go and calm her down a bit.
16:30Are you all right, sweetheart?
16:35All right.
16:37I don't blame you for having the rats.
16:39It's enough to give Harry Secombe the hump.
16:43But I'll soon have some cash again.
16:45Is that what you think this is about? Money?
16:49Haven't you noticed? I haven't been out of this flat for months. You go shopping!
16:56I mean going out! And last year I decorated Damien's room.I know.
17:02Blinding job you made of it.Thanks.
17:04You got a piece of carpet that didn't fit.
17:08I'm looking for that.Damien had his own little room. Cosy, safe.
17:13Then you moved him in with us and filled his room with junk.
17:18That is my stock!Your stock, old junk - the same thing!
17:24Raquel, you don't seem to understand!
17:27Someone broke into my garage and nicked half my stock, so I brought it up here!Del!
17:35Hasn't it dawned on you yet? All you have in that room is what the thieves left behind.
17:42How do you hope to sell it when they didn't take it?!
17:54150 Bros LPs.
17:57Well, fashion changes so fast in the pop world.
18:01275 Free Nelson Mandela T-shirts.
18:07I bought these on the Thursday. By Saturday, he was out on parole.
18:12How was I to know that, eh?
18:20Charles and Di wedding plates.
18:23Nothing that a good sorting out wouldn't cure.
18:26A 9-carat identity bracelet inscribed with the name Gary.
18:33We got a box full of men's wigs, 50 pirated versions of The Poseidon Adventure -
18:40all on Betamax!
18:44200 litres of Romanian Riesling,
18:48Clear it out, Del.
18:50Just clear it out and give the room back to our baby.
18:55Who's to say I won't sell all this tomorrow?
18:59What are the chances of you meeting a bald, anti-apartheid, deep-sea diving Bros fan, with a Betamax,
19:06who likes Riesling and whose name is Gary?
19:13All right. I'll clear it out in the morning.
19:17That would cheer me up. I'd be a happy woman.
19:21You wait till you see our mortgage.
19:28Dear Lord, please let me prove to you that wealth won't spoil me.
19:37Raquel said we had to help you clear this room.Yes. Clear all this out. Make a clean start.
19:44You could flog the wine to Mike.
19:48I can't. He's a good friend.
19:50And he's tasted it.Yeah and he's...
19:55What did you buy that thing for?
19:58For you to go down and visit all the ships you sailed in(!)
20:07No, I read that diving was all the go with the yuppies.
20:12They meant scuba...Uh?
20:14Don't matter.
20:16Seems a shame to throw it all away. Well, we can't put it in the garage. It ain't safe, is it?
20:23What about Grandad's shed on his...YOUR allotment?
20:27Yeah, we could bung it all away there. Good thinking, Rodney.
20:33I'll go downstairs and open the van. You two bring all this stuff down.
20:55Well, what do you reckon, then?
20:58What do I reckon?
21:01The last time I saw a place like this was in Gorillas in the Mist.
21:06It's a jungle.
21:08Gawd knows what lives in there!
21:10Del.
21:12Will you stop that? You nearly gave me a connery!
21:17I could have sworn I saw the blowpipe and poison dart!
21:21Have you seen all the rubbish that's been dumped?
21:26This is ruining my shoes, this!
21:29Cor, look at this lot.
21:32What are these drums doing?
21:35They're full.
21:37I wonder what's in 'em? This one's open!
21:40It's yellow stuff.
21:43Cor, blimey, smell that.
21:47What is that?I don't know. Could be toxic.
21:51Could be bloody poisonous an' all!
21:57Del boy! Dave!
22:00Do you want to sweep this lot up? I'm not a roadsweeper any more.
22:06What are you - a piano tuner?
22:09I'm an environmental hygienist. What do they do?
22:13They sweep the roads.
22:17The council have upgraded me. Perhaps Trigger knows what this is.
22:22It's his game, innit? Leave it out.
22:26He couldn't find his way out of a phone box.He might have come across it on his rounds.
22:36It's some sort of yellow stuff.
22:40You were bloody right, Albert. He's got it spot on.
22:45No hesitation, was there?
22:47You gotta get rid of it. THIS is the health hazard the council meant.
22:53OK, we'll pour it down the drain.
22:56You can't pour it down a public sewer. It might be volatile.
23:02You could create a disaster area.
23:05There's a 24-hour waste disposal depot down Stamford Road.
23:10Good idea. Thanks, Trig.
23:13We can get these in the back of the van.
23:16No!
23:19Well, how am I gonna get rid of them?
23:22HORN BLOWS
23:24Del Boy!
23:29Rodney!
23:31ALL: Denzil.
23:37Let's get these drums in the back of your van.
23:41Not so fast. What are these things?
23:45It's nothing to worry about. It's just, you know, some gunge.
23:50What sort of gunge?
23:52What do you mean? Gunge is gunge, innit?
23:56Hang on, Trig.
23:59For all we know, this could be Concorde fuel.
24:03No, it's not! It's anti-freeze out of the Starship Enterprise.
24:09Bloody fuel!
24:12It'll be battery acid out of Thunderbird Three next!
24:16Look, do you want this contract or not? I am a busy man! I've got things to do!
24:23How can we be certain this stuff isn't dangerous?
24:28Because it is not! And that is the truth! Cor, dear!
24:32There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth.
24:37What do you mean? It's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein.
24:43Del knows his stuff. And what's the Beatles' manager got to with it?
24:50What?
24:52Del was the best in our class at chemistry!
24:56He used to make fireworks. He even blew up the lab.
25:00I was doing detention in there at the time!
25:05And you say he don't know what he's talking about? That's it! I'm off!Denzil!
25:11It's harmless. I'll help you carry it!
25:16I can't say fairer than that.
25:19It can't be dangerous. How can you be sure?
25:22Del's just offered to help carry them.
25:27Yeah, all right, all right.
25:40Lovely jubbly.
25:52DENZIL: It's closed.
25:55It's a bit late, innit.
25:58What do you mean, it's a bit late? You said it opened 24 hours a day!
26:04Yeah, but not at night.
26:14What do we do? We've 6,000 gallons of "something" in the back of my van!
26:20We could take it down the other council depot.
26:24Is it open?No.
26:27Then what's the point in taking it there, if it's not open?
26:32It soon will be. I've got a spare set of keys.
26:36Bloody hell!
26:39Are you sure this is all right?
26:41Who cares?!Yeah, no problem. Come on, back up.
26:45Is it legal?Yes! Now just back up, will you, Denzil?
26:50Stone me! It's bloody hot in here!
26:53I can't see the fascination with this diving lark.
27:10There you are. Aren't you glad you listened to me tonight?
27:15Eh? These are austere times, Denzil.
27:19If I hadn't persuaded you, you'd have lost the contract. I suppose.
27:24No suppose so about it. Right, that's 50 quid I owe you.
27:28Owe me?Yes, I'm not gonna ask you to do this as a favour for me.
27:34No matter how much you want to. But...
27:37Don't try and persuade me, Denzil.
27:40I'm gonna see you for that money.
27:43He'd do anything for anyone, eh?
27:46That's what mates are all about.
27:49Gets you right here, dunnit?
27:51You're down in my book, Denzil.
27:54Shan't forget tonight.
27:56Same here.
28:04Thanks for everything. See you, Denzil, Trig.
28:07Night, Del. See you.
28:24What's this?
28:26You know that bloke I was telling you about?
28:29The one who has done well and is a millionaire(?)
28:34Yeah. Well, this is one of his places.Oh.
28:38Why are we here? Cassie asked me to go shopping.
28:42Shopping?!Yeah. For dinner tonight.
28:47What's the point of getting married and then doing the bloody shopping yourself?
28:54No wonder you've got problems.Oi.
28:56You keep your nose out of my business.All right!
29:05It don't half pen and ink in here! Sssh.
29:08That's the fertiliser and the manu... And other things.
29:13Everything in here is grown the way nature intended.
29:17Oh, yeah(?)
29:18Must be nice for you and Cassandra to know everything on your plate was once under a pile of horse shit!
29:25Get the rest of the shopping and then we'll be off.
29:30Hurry up, will you?
29:32Blimey, seen the price of these spuds?!
29:35Yeah. You pay the extra cos they're organic.
29:39There are no E1-20s in them.
29:42E1-20s... What you talking about?
29:44Before you met Cassandra, you thought an E1-20 was a bus!
29:49What's this? Look.
29:52Sprout tops?
29:5528 pence a pound?
29:57Cor, look at the price of these carrots!
30:01I tell you...
30:03What's this? Wait a minute, this is water, innit?
30:09Water at 65 PENCE a bottle.
30:12Shut up. We happen to like this water.
30:16Maybe she'll like this even more. It's only 72 pence a bottle.
30:21Is this what people are spending their money on nowadays?Yeah.
30:26It's a growth industry.Is it?
30:29Is it really?
30:31Rodney. >
30:33Miles.
30:38How are you doing?Good. Yourself?
30:40Yeah, fine.
30:42This is my brother Del. Del, Miles.
30:45Pleased to meet you, son.And you.
30:47What do you think? In one word - impressed.
30:51In one word - bloody expensive.
30:54Expensive?Yeah. Look at the price of your spuds, carrots, not to mention your brussel sprout tops!
31:02Water - 72p a bottle?It comes from the most natural sources in Britain,
31:07and Switzerland and France and Italy.
31:10I'm a founder member of the SWANS Committee.
31:13Oh.Oh, swans? Them big white duck things?
31:19No, Del. It's an acronym.
31:22That's what I thought. I was just about to say, "That's an anacronym"!
31:29You'd have been right. What d'you feed 'em on?What?
31:35Your nacronyms.
31:37Del, it's not a duck or a goose.
31:40An acronym is a name made out of the initials of a set of words.
31:46Oh, yeah! THAT anacronym! Yeah!
31:50I've got to rush, Rodney. It's been...
31:54It's been real.
31:56Yeah.
31:59Big bloody ducks!
32:05You what?
32:07SWANS stands for the Spa Water And Natural Spring Committee. Miles is a vice-president.
32:15He gives out certificates of purity. Without his signature, these companies can't sell their goods.
32:22You have to admire him. He's going places.
32:26With a name like Miles, he's bound to.
32:31Cabbage.
32:41Shows what a bit of hard work can do.Gives you a nice warm feeling.
32:47What's a few aches and blisters when you see a vision like this?
32:52I know what you mean.
32:54Look at that. It's 12 o'clock. Oi, you two!
33:01Have a bite to eat. You've worked hard. You deserve it.
33:08Back in an hour, Del.No rush.
33:11We'll never get this finished today.
33:14There's always tomorrow. That's my motto. See you in an hour.
33:26TRIGGER: Right, Dave?
33:32What's your bloody game?What's up?
33:35Miles phoned the flat to confirm your appointment.Aha!
33:40Good! He's coming. What's your game?
33:47Nothing, Rodders. Nothing.
33:49It's just that after our visit to Miles' place last week, something happened to me.
33:57It came like a blinding flash of light.
34:00It was like...like St Paul's journey on the road for Tabascos.
34:06These rough hands will feed my woman and my child. I'm a born-again gardener!
34:13You've NEVER done any gardening.
34:15It's been awkward, 12 floors up in a tower block. Now's my chance!
34:21To you, a King Edward is something to smoke. All HE'S ever grown is a beard.
34:29You know nothing about gardening. No. But I know a man who DOES.
34:34That's why I gave Miles a bell. He didn't seem to mind.
34:39I suppose not. It's in his interest. He could flog you his fertilisers.
34:45Exactly. He helps me and I help him. CAR TOOTS HORN
34:51Sounds like him now.
34:57Ship ahoy. Ship ahoy, Albert!
35:01You know what to say and do, don't you?Yeah. Leave it to me, son.
35:07Don't go overboard. Nice and easy does it. Nice and easy. Off you go.
35:15Miles! How lovely to see you again. Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, innit?
35:22Is this it?Yes. This is it.
35:25You said you had land. You even talked about leaving one area fallow.
35:31No. It's just an allotment.
35:34Yes, I can SEE it's an allotment.
35:37The thing is, Miles, I'm new to all this gardening mullarkey.
35:42I thought you could advise. Rodney says you're the kiddy when it comes to an organic swede.
35:49Anything I need WILL be bought from your garden centre. Yes. Well, OK. Fine.
35:57Are you working with compost? No. I think it must be his pipe.
36:05I mean, do you have a compost heap?
36:08Oh, I see. No, not yet, but I'm keeping my eye open for one.
36:14First, we have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
36:20Oh.
36:23It's this earthy sort, innit?
36:26There are many varieties of soil, Del.
36:31There's... There's all sorts, right, Miles?
36:35What's he doing?
36:38He's a gardener!
36:41He's...
36:44What are you actually doing, Miles?
36:47Testing the soil for texture and structure.
36:50I'd watch it if I were you. There's a lot of cats round here.
36:55It's slightly alkaline. No, thanks.
36:59I had a fry-up early this morning.
37:02It can take five years of drainage and care to achieve a perfect crop.
37:08Five years? I thought it would take a long time.
37:31We'll try a cocktail of fish meal, dried blood, compost and horse and cow manure.Lovely jubbly!
37:45Then we'll talk about crop rotation. But first, a good digging over.
37:52No, Miles. Albert will get it for you.
37:55What's that?What?The water.Oh...
38:00That's just the old Peckham spring.
38:03Rodney, get Miles' soil testing kit from his car.No, wait a minute. The Peckham spring?
38:10I never knew there was a spring in Peckham.Oh, yes. That's why it's called the Peckham spring.
38:17It's in the Domesday Book. We don't know where the spring comes from.
38:23No. It certainly sprung up from somewhere!
38:29This is fascinating. A natural urban spring. This is a real discovery!
38:34Is it pure?I wouldn't think so. Not with all this alkaline soil.
38:40I've been drinking it since I was a nipper. Never done me any harm.
38:47Don't take no notice of him. Look at him! He's 98. He's a bit...
38:55He's 98?Yeah. Isn't he, Rodney?
39:00Yeah. But only recently!
39:04I'd like to take a sample of the water for analysis.Why?
39:09To test its purity.It ain't pure.
39:12Take my word for it. It ain't pure.
39:15Rodney's right. It can't be pure. It comes from the centre of the earth, through all the rocks.
39:23It's those rocks that filter out the impurities and give it life-preserving qualities.
39:29Minerals!
39:31You've lost me.I've got a feeling it won't take you long to catch up.
39:37What I'm saying, Derek... May I call you Del?Mais oui, mon pleasure.
39:42If - and I must emphasise the word "if"...
39:45IF this water passes our laboratory tests, there is a strong possibility that we could bottle it.
39:53Sorry, Miles. What do you mean by "bottle it"?
39:58He means "put it into bottles", Del.
40:02I don't expect you to understand this water's potential, so I'll explain it in simple terms.
40:10You have the source - the spring.
40:12I have the means to sell it -
40:15my natural food shops. If successful, we could expand to supermarkets.
40:20Let's see if I've got this straight.
40:24You're saying that we could bottle this water and then sell it?
40:30By George, I think he's got it.
40:33I'm saying it's a possibility, depending on the test results.
40:39I need something to take a sample with.Here's a bucket.
40:43No, I need a sterilised container.
40:46I'll nip back to the garden centre. I'll be back soon.No need.
40:51I've got the very thing in my briefcase. Albert!
40:55I went down to Mothercare this morning
40:59to get my baby a new bottle - a sterilised bottle! Will that do?
41:05Fine. How old's the baby?Nearly two.
41:09He's a bit slow going on to solids, but we're not worried. Rodney was 3½ before he left the breast.
41:18Albert, fill that with water from the Peckham spring. Don't get any dirt on the bottle.Leave it to me.
41:26Maybe I should...I wanted to ask what you meant by crop rotation.
41:31Do I have to dig up me spuds and brussels sprouts and turn 'em over?
41:40What do you want?I want to see how you'll get out of this.
41:49I don't believe it! We'll end up in the nick!Not me. I'm an old man!
41:55..You rotate them as well?Yes. Here he is!
41:59All right?Wonderful. I'll send it to the lab today.
42:04Now, beans and carrots.Eh?We were talking about beans and carrots.
42:09Oh. I've gone off the idea of growing vegetables now.
42:14Let's go down the road and have a pint.
42:49I think it's a miracle.Yep. It certainly is a miracle.
42:54Mum is up there, smiling down on us, making sure her lads don't starve.
43:00We've been doing this three weeks, and we're not banged up in nick!
43:05We ain't doing nothing illegal. Nothing illegal? We're selling public water to the public!
43:12No. Water USED to be public. Then Maggie privatised it.
43:17It now belongs to a board of directors and investors.
43:22They sell it to us. We sell it on. We're just repackaging it.
43:28Esso buy oil from Kuwait. They repackage it and sell it as petrol. It's not illegal.
43:34What about the Trades Descriptions Act? It ain't from a spring.
43:39Sainsbury's sell runner beans, but they ain't been round the track!
43:44What about the claim on the label? "From an ancient and natural source".
43:50The Thames. Can't be more ancient and natural than that!
43:55SWANS said it was some of the finest water they've ever analysed.
44:01Because they didn't analyse this. It was Malvern or Buxton water.
44:06Will you stop splitting hairs?
44:09In a fortnight, Peckham Spring has become Miles' biggest seller.
44:15Go and see how Raquel's getting on, will ya?
44:24I'm surprised you're party to all this.
44:28I'm doing it for the man I love. I'll claim a crime of passion - or insanity.
44:34YOU haven't turned the money down.
44:37I'm making it easier on Del when it goes to court. The less he makes, the lighter his sentence will be.
44:44It APPEARS I'm sharing the profits. But I'm REALLY halving the guilt. True brotherly love and courage(!)
44:52If they didn't mean so much to me, I'd give you me medals.Shut up!
45:04I see Peckham Spring is doing well.What? They sell it at the local wine bar.
45:10The waiter said it's very popular. It has a taste of its own.
45:15Yeah. It's called fluoride.
45:18Sorry?I said...it's got to be tried.
45:22Everyone's buying it. And it's on trial.
45:25Trial? What trial?!A supermarket chain are giving it a two-week trial.
45:31Yeah. That's right.
45:34Are you OK?Yeah. Fine.
45:37If you're worried about...you know... Remember, don't be uptight. It's got nothing to do with that!
45:44Cass, if I tell you a secret, do you promise never to tell a soul?
45:51Cross my heart. Go on. What is it?
45:56You know Peckham Spring? What about it?
46:00It's tap water.
46:04Tap water?Yeah. Tap water.
46:07What d'you mean, tap water? Well... Water from a tap.
46:13From a tap? What tap?
46:16The one in Del's kitchen.
46:21You're kidding. Tell me you're joking.No, really.
46:26He puts a bottle under a tap, fills it up, and sells it for 45p.
46:31Oh, my GOD! God help us! Don't panic. It's nothing to do with you.Nothing to do with me?!
46:39Where do you think he got the money to buy bottles and equipment,
46:45and to pay Daddy for printing his labels?Well... YOU?!
46:49Yes. He came to the bank for a loan.
46:52And you GAVE it to him?!
46:55I'm in charge of small business investment. It looked like it had a future.
47:02Someone found a spring that had received a certificate of purity. You believed Del?!
47:08No, Roddy. I believed YOU!
47:11Del told me not to tell. Why didn't you tell me you'd given him money?
47:17That's confidential between the bank and its client!
47:21Well, now you know. What are you gonna do?I've got no choice.
47:27I'll have to keep quiet about it. Really?I crossed my heart and promised not to tell a soul.
47:34If I told the bank, I'd lose my promotion.
47:37I don't fancy visiting my husband in Wormwood Scrubs every week!
47:42But IS selling water illegal? I was charged 20p in the garage last week to fill up my radiator!
47:50Del's kept up the repayments, and you're earning lots of money.
47:55I've never been so well off. But a geological aspect is now involved.
48:01We're taking thousands of gallons a week. The water board think they have a major underground leak!
48:11It's the middle of winter and the local papers are issuing drought warnings.
48:17So, people are going out and panic-buying Peckham bloody Spring!
48:22We've got to take more water to stay up with the demand!
48:27To top it all, some prat advised him to advertise on local radio!
48:36You? Why?!Del's my client. It's my job to advise him!
48:41You're not dealing with a normal person. This is Derek Trotter!
48:47He is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Bob Geldof and Lenny Henry any minute!
49:04I've always believed in powdered rhino horn... Shtum.
49:12Raquel!
49:14Ahh...
49:16I'm so happy for you.
49:18It must be lovely suddenly coming into money after all these years. We're enjoying it.
49:26I bet you are. You can come to my coffee mornings now!
49:31Thank you. See you in a minute. I'm bursting.
49:35You're not the only one. The garden party next!
49:39I hear business is booming, Rodney. Yep. Peckham Spring's selling hand over foot.
49:45I find it hard to believe that Del Boy has become so professional in his business approach.
49:52He never had a chance to prove it. If he hadn't cleared the allotment, he'd never have found the spring.
50:00Why'd he clear it? He's no Alan Titmarsh - a tit, maybe!
50:04During our lifetime, we go through changes.
50:09Del became ecologically aware of the damage we do to Mother Earth.
50:14That summons made him ecologically aware!
50:18At least he brought in experts to get rid of them chemicals.
50:23Since when have Denzil and Trigger been experts?
50:27Denzil and...? He told me he used specialists!
50:31No, Trigger could be considered a specialist.Trigger don't know which end of the dart to throw!
50:39He works for the council. He could dispose of them at the environmental waste unit.
50:46Denzil says they chucked them in a pond.A pond?!A pond!
50:51Wait till I see Del!
50:55How are Denzil and Trigger? Dunno. Ain't seen 'em for weeks.
51:00What about this Peckham Spring? Knowing Del, I wouldn't be surprised if it ain't coming out of a tap!
51:08No! I've seen the certificate. I'm even buying the stuff. You don't think I'M stupid, do ya?
51:18A pond?That's what Boycie said. Wait till I see Del!
51:22Please, no rows tonight. It's the first time we've been happy for ages.
51:28OK. I'll have him tomorrow, though.
51:34Rodders, tomorrow we'll go down the allotment and clear out the shed.
51:39What do we want with Bros LPs and Romanian Riesling?Or those wigs.
51:45I don't know why I bought them wigs!A wig saved my life once.
51:50Yeah, well... We'll dump it all somewhere.
51:53Just so long as it's not in a POND.
51:56Pond? What's he talking about? I don't know.
52:00How did a wig save your life? Tell her, will ya?
52:04You've got a mouth and a half! I'm interested.
52:09It must have been during the war. Maybe it wasn't during the war.
52:14During the war...
52:17During the war, I was out in the Pacific, fighting the Japs.
52:23My skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to wear a wig.
52:27Couldn't tell, except in rough seas, when it would slide to one side.
52:33One day, we were attacked by a kamikaze pilot. He came zooming in.
52:38I said, "The way he's going, he'll kill himself!"
52:42Anyway...
52:46He smashed into us. Nine of us, and the skipper, were marooned at sea, with the lifeboats smashed to bits.
52:54The ten of you got on the captain's wig?
53:01Don't be facetious! I'm talking about heroes!
53:05Sorry.
53:08We was washed up on an island. The natives had never seen a white man.
53:13They were waggling their spears and getting very angry.
53:18Captain Kenworthy said, "Leave this to me, lads."
53:22He stepped forward and whipped his wig off!
53:26You should have seen their faces! The skipper knew they'd never seen a wig before!
53:33What did they do? Make him a god? No. They killed him!
53:39They wanted the wig. Thought it had magic powers. They ran off with it.
53:45We got picked up by an Australian frigate.
53:49Well, we're off home now.
53:56Roddy, remember we said we'd try to have a weekend away?Yeah.
54:01We can afford it now. Why not go tomorrow night? Just the two of us.
54:07All alone?You and me in a lovely hotel overlooking the sea.
54:12In a king-sized bed? You can do a lot of rolling around in a king-sized bed!
54:18I've heard a dozen oysters... Derek!
54:22I won't be in tomorrow. Why's that?
54:26Me and Cassandra are going to the seaside to be on our own. You don't mind?
54:32Course I don't mind. It's a great idea.
54:36In fact, we'll come with you!
54:40Raquel, fancy a weekend at the seaside?Sure!
54:44This calls for a celebration!
54:48Guess what?
54:53THE BEATLES: # The best things in life are free
54:56# But you can keep them for the birds and bees
55:00# Give me money! That's what I want
55:04# That's what I want
55:07# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
55:11# That's what I want
55:15# Your loving gives me a thrill
55:19# But your loving don't pay my bills. Give me money
55:24# That's what I want! That's what I want
55:29# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
55:33# That's what I want
55:38# Money don't get everything, it's true
55:41# What it don't get, I can't use
55:44# Now, give me money! That's what I want
55:48# That's what I want! That's what I want
55:51# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
55:56# That's what I want
56:14# Money don't get everything, it's true
56:18# What it don't get, I can't use
56:22# Now, give me money! That's what I want
56:26# That's what I want
56:29# That's what I wa-a-ant, yeah
56:34# That's what I want! #
56:39A glass of champagne, darling? I think you could persuade me.
56:45Oh, yes! We've got this in our blood, haven't we, darling?
56:51Well, champagne, certainly.
56:53No, I meant the lifestyle. Didn't I always promise you a life like this? Didn't I?
57:02Yes, you did. I'll make the most of it before they put you in prison.
57:07They're not gonna put me in prison. You've got to do something illegal to go to prison!
57:14I'm just selling a popular product!
57:17Look - even the best hotels in the world are selling Peckham Spring.
57:22We're on a winner. This is just the beginning! As for you, champ...
57:28it'll be Mercedes,
57:31and Cecil Gee suits and Lanzarote, all the way!
57:35You won't know any other life.
57:38Why should you worry, eh?
57:41I'd better put him down.Yeah. I'm gonna go and see Rodney.
57:46Del...
57:48Leave 'em. They're trying to sort their lives out.
57:52It's 9.00. They ought to show more decorum!
57:58Hey!What're you doing?!
58:01I popped in to see how you was. Don't get embarrassed. You've got nothing there that'll frighten ME!
58:09Why have we got interconnecting doors?
58:13That's my idea - so we can mingle, like families do.You've popped in more times than a gas meter reader.
58:21Shut up, you tart!
58:25Where's Cassandra?She went into the bathroom half an hour ago.
58:30Those sandwiches were all right, weren't they?
58:34Yeah. She's just gone to...slip into something.Half an hour? What's she slipped into - a coma?
58:41No! She's...
58:45..You know.
58:48I understand. Don't worry. You'll be all right, bruv.
58:52You just relax.
58:55Don't let yourself get all taut and rigid.
58:59Well, you know, not ALL of you.
59:03Don't come listening!Don't make too much noise. Damien's sleeping.
59:09See you in the morning.
59:27That's it, babe. You have a lovely warm.
59:35You dream some lovely dreams. Eh?
59:42You dream about Christmas,
59:45and all the presents that Santa Claus is gonna bring you.
59:50A little baby like you is gonna be right at the top of his VIP list.
59:56You know, when I was a little ankle-biter like you,
60:01all I ever got for Christmas was an orange and clump round the earhole.
60:08Still, the orange was nice.
60:12I wish I knew what you was dreaming.
60:17It don't matter. As long as it's a happy one.
60:23..And I'm in it.
60:26DOOR OPENS
60:34Raquel!
60:42Cor!
60:44You look...really nice.
60:48Thank you.
60:54I love you.
60:57I love you, Trotter.
61:05Right!
61:19Sorry I've been so long.
61:28They say the best things take time.
61:56TELEVISION NEWS IS ON
61:59'A late news item. The London Borough of Peckham is tonight without water,
62:06'after a reservoir was found to be contaminated.
62:09'The drums of a chemical yet to be identified were found this afternoon.
62:15'They appear to have been dumped in the reservoir a month ago.
62:21'A water board spokesperson said that cutting water supplies was a precautionary measure,
62:27'and there is no need for alarm.'
62:44Everything's coming up roses for us, sweetheart.
62:48Getting better every day.Mmm.
62:54It's all thanks to the Peckham spring.
62:58I wouldn't mind betting this time next week...
63:03..I'll be in all the papers.
63:35# No income tax, no VAT
63:38# No money back, no guarantee
63:41# Black or white, rich or poor
63:45# We'll cut prices at a stroke
63:49# God bless Hookey Street
63:52# Viva Hookey Street
63:55# Long live Hookey Street
63:58# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
64:01# Magnifique, Hookey Street
64:06# Hookey Street. #
64:09Subtitles by Miriam Greenblum and Paul Sapsford, 1992