Only Fools and Horses S00E14 — Fatal Extraction

Every line from “Fatal Extraction” (1822 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00(upbeat music)
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La-la-la, la-la-la-la
00:36♫ La-la-La, La-la-la-la
00:40♫ La-la-la, la-la-la-la
00:43-[Reporter] Colder and showers turning wintry
00:45almost everywhere by tonight.
00:49- Derek!
00:49Your breakfast has been on the table
00:51for the last 15 minutes!
00:53(audience laughing)
00:54Is that nice?
00:55- Yes, thank you.
00:57- I was talking to Damien.
01:02Next time you do the shopping,
01:04buy the ketchup in a glass bottle.
01:07And another thing Albert,
01:08will you please stop boiling your old vests
01:10and pants out on our cooker.
01:12This is almost the 21st century
01:14and we have washing machines for that sort of thing.
01:16- Look Raquel, why are you angry at me?
01:18I'm not the one who's been coming home late every night.
01:20I'm always here in the flat.
01:22- Yes, aren't you just.
01:24(audience laughing)
01:27- Good morning, Unc.
01:28Ah!
01:29- Morning.
01:30- Oh, this bloody tooth.
01:32Oh!
01:33Hello, Champ!
01:34Hey, good morning.
01:35How are you this morning?
01:36This looks really good doesn't it?
01:38- You're in trouble son.
01:39Raquel's on the warpath.
01:41- Oh, she don't frighten me, Albert.
01:43I've handled much more violent women than her.
01:46Oh!
01:47(audience laughing)
01:48Good morning, sweetheart.
01:49Any calls for me last night, was there?
01:52- I haven't a clue, I went to bed early.
01:53Why don't you get yourself an answering machine, Derek?
01:55- Answering machine, good idea darling.
01:57Yes, just what the business needs is an answer phone.
02:00Especially seeing as you're too exhausted
02:02to do it these days.
02:03I tell you what, Damien's a bit big for that chair.
02:06Look at him, he'll be starting work soon.
02:08- There's nothing wrong with a highchair.
02:10- Exactly.
02:11No, that is in very good nick.
02:13I might get a few quid for that.
02:15I'll put an ad in the local news agents.
02:18- What time did you get in last night?
02:19- Me, ooh, about quarter past 12.
02:24- It was 20 to two. - Was it?
02:27The battery's going in this watch.
02:31- So, where were you? - Hmm?
02:34I went down the Nag's Head, had a swift half,
02:36then I had to go and meet someone in the casino.
02:42- Oh, that's a relief.
02:43For a minute there I was worried
02:44you might be squandering our money.
02:46- How much did you win, son? - Shut up.
02:48- Don't be silly, Albert.
02:49Del doesn't know what winning is!
02:52Eat your breakfast, Del.
02:54- I thought you said all this fried stuff
02:56was bad for me veins?
02:57- Eat your breakfast, Del.
02:59(audience laughing)
03:01- She's not happy, son.
03:03- Well, she's a woman, isn't she?
03:06Anyway, it takes me mind off me tooth.
03:09- I don't know.
03:10What with you and poor Rodney.
03:12He's starting to look ashen-faced, isn't he?
03:15- He does look a bit cream-crackered of late.
03:18Don't worry, I'll have a word with him.
03:20I usually manage to sort out his problems.
03:22(ketchup squelching)
03:27(phone ringing)
03:32- Hello?
03:33- Cassandra, it's Raquel.
03:35- Can you talk?
03:36Rodney's not there, is he?
03:37- No, he's left for work.
03:39- I just phoned to see what did the doctor said last night.
03:41- Oh, she was ever so nice.
03:43Basically, she said not to worry.
03:44She's got three couples on her books
03:46who've been trying for babies for over a year.
03:48So, Rodney and I are almost rookies.
03:51I've got to take my temperature hourly,
03:52keep a chart and usual stuff.
03:54Oh, and she's given me some exercises
03:56that are supposed to strengthen the muscles.
03:58- Have you abandoned that schedule thing
04:00she worked out for you?
04:02I don't know how either of you keep up the pace.
04:04It sounded excessive for Mel Gibson and his wife
04:06let alone you and Rodney.
04:07- No, I've decided to continue with that.
04:09I know it hasn't worked,
04:10but Rodney's enjoyed himself trying.
04:12(audience laughing)
04:15- Alright, Rodney?
04:17- Yeah, alright, Mick.
04:18- What you been up to?
04:20You look like some vampire's been having a go at you!.
04:23- I'm fine, thank you very much.
04:25- You weren't involved in that riot
04:26on the estate the other night, were you?
04:27- No, I was not.
04:29As if I'd get involved in a riot.
04:31- You don't look well.
04:33He look's shagged out, don't he, love?
04:36-[Woman] You don't look well, dear.
04:38- There's nothing wrong with me, alright?
04:41- Raquel, you haven't mentioned
04:43this baby business to Del, have you?
04:44- Of course not!
04:46- Rodney thinks we ought to choose
04:47the right time to tell him.
04:49- I'll leave it to you.
04:50- How are things with you and Del?
04:52- Much the same.
04:54He didn't get in 'til 20 to two this morning.
04:56- Why don't you ask Rodney to find out what's happening?
04:59- Because I'm a bit frightened of what the answer might be.
05:01I think the first flush of fatherhood and domesticity
05:04has cooled and he's gone back to his old ways,
05:06down the pubs and casinos with his stupid mates.
05:08Oh, I'll have to go, someone's coming.
05:10Talk to you soon, bye.
05:13- He's dropped a load of beans on the carpet.
05:16- Well, why don't you wipe them up?
05:17- Me?
05:18No, let the old git wipe 'em up himself.
05:20(audience laughing)
05:21- Oh, Albert!
05:24- Have you spoken to Cassandra recently?
05:27- No.
05:28- Well, when you do, can you find out
05:29if there's anything wrong between her and Rodders?
05:32- Don't go interfering in their lives, Del.
05:34- He's my young brother.
05:35I've got a right to interfere.
05:37If they've got a problem, I just want to help out.
05:39- Oh, God, that is the best yet.
05:43Come on, time for your wash.
05:46(audience laughing)
05:47Not you, Albert!
05:50If you're doing this to annoy me, it's not working.
05:57- Makes you wonder whether it's all worth while,
05:58don't it, Unc? - If you say so, son.
06:05- You mucky old sod.
06:07- I picked this up at the library yesterday.
06:10- Relate?
06:11- It's the new word for marriage guidance.
06:13I didn't know if it'd be any good to you.
06:16Yeah, oh, thanks very much, Unc.
06:17Actually, it's just the sort
06:18of thing I'm looking for, this.
06:25I'm just going to go and make a private phone call.
06:52(phone ringing)
06:57- Hello? - Oh, hello Cassandra.
07:00It's Del boy.
07:01How are you, sweetheart?
07:02- Oh fine, thanks.
07:03- Oh, cushty.
07:06Look Cassandra, I don't want to interfere
07:08or anything like that, but I'm a little bit worried
07:10about young Rodders.
07:11Well, he seems to be a bit worried.
07:13He's not his old self, and I just wondered
07:15if there was anything I could do to help?
07:17- Look, if you must know, Del,
07:18Rodney and I are trying for a baby.
07:22(audience laughing)
07:30Yeah alright, I'll get off the phone then, alright.
07:34- No, not right now.
07:37Rodney's not even here.
07:39He left half an hour ago.
07:42- Blimey, he left half an hour ago,
07:43and you're still panting?
07:46- I'm in the middle of my exercises.
07:50- Oh, your exercises?
07:51I see what you mean.
07:52I thought that you, well, never mind what I thought.
07:55But look, I can't help you
07:58unless you let me know what is happening.
08:00- Oh God!
08:03- Alright? - Yeah.
08:06- Where is everyone?
08:07- Raquel's seeing to the little 'un
08:08and Del's in the kitchen making a private phone call.
08:11- Who to?
08:12- I think it's the marriage guidance people.
08:14- But him and Raquel aren't married.
08:16- I know, but they row, don't they?
08:19I'll make you a new pot of tea, son.
08:20-[Rodney] Oh, yeah, cheers.
08:22-[Del] No, you see, the thing is, you know that a man,
08:25well a man, any man can, in fact, lose his drive.
08:30(audience laughing)
08:32- Rodney hasn't lost his drive.
08:34- No, no, no, I'm not saying that is happening, no.
08:37But, what I'm saying is that,
08:38you know, a man, any man, can,
08:41well you know, lose his oomph.
08:47And naturally, you see, the woman, she becomes frustrated
08:49and disappointed, but that's not necessarily
08:52the man's fault, is it, eh?
08:58- Morning Raquel. - Oh morning.
09:00Where's Del? - He's on the phone.
09:02- Who to? - Dunno.
09:05So, how's life treating you?
09:07- How's life treating me?
09:09D'you mean besides him coming
09:09at all hours of the morning, spending every spare hour
09:12with his mates down the pub and wasting our money
09:13in that casino?
09:15- Yeah.
09:17- Well, I'll give you an example
09:18of how life's treating me, Rodney.
09:20Have you seen what's inside my wardrobe?
09:22- No.
09:24- Well, not to put too fine a point on it.
09:25The only times my clothes look fashionable
09:27is when I'm watching UK Gold.
09:29(audience laughing)
09:31Now, a short while ago, Del happened to mention
09:33that he had a contact in the rag trade.
09:36This fella could get the very latest in fashion
09:38and all the top designer labels.
09:40Christmas was approaching, and Del asked me what I'd like.
09:43"Anything you want, sweetheart, just name it."
09:46So, I said I wouldn't mind
09:47a little number by Bruce Oldfield.
09:55He got me Tubular Bells.
09:58- That's Mike Oldfield.
09:59- I know!
10:01- Yeah, now all you've got to do, sweetheart,
10:03is you just take your time
10:04right, you just take your time
10:06and you'll have a lovely healthy baby
10:08just like my Damien, nine pounds, he was you know, yeah.
10:15I remember the day that he was born.
10:18Yeah, of course, me and Raquel, you know,
10:20we haven't given up hope of doing it again sometime.
10:23- What's a baby's weight got to do with it?
10:25- No, no, no, it doesn't matter how big it is, does it?
10:28(audience laughing)
10:31- Who are you talking to? - Cassandra.
10:33(audience laughing)
10:37- Get off that phone!
10:40- Morning, Rodders!
10:41- Cassandra, why are you doing
10:42discussing our private life with him?
10:45I don't care.
10:46This'll be all over the Nag's Head by dinner time.
10:49- That's the thanks I get.
10:51- I thought you'd have been used to it by now.
11:03-[Del] They still ain't cleared
11:04this place up yet, have they? - There's not a lot of point.
11:07I've heard they're expecting another riot.
11:08They reckon anything could set it off.
11:11- I heard they're thinking of twinning this place
11:12with Jurassic Park.
11:14(laughing)
11:16Ow, oh, bloody hell.
11:18- You want to go somewhere with that tooth.
11:20- I go everywhere with it, don't I?
11:21It's stuck in me bloody head.
11:24- I meant the dentist.
11:26- Yes, yes, I will.
11:30- Can I switch the radio on?
11:32- Yeah, go on then, alright.
11:34("One Voice" by Barry Manilow)
11:42- Do you know, this is Raquel's most favorite number?
11:45- Yeah, can I switch it off?
11:49- No, leave it.
11:54Every time I hear this number, you know,
11:56it always reminds me of my Raquel.
12:01Yeah, go on, switch it off.
12:05- There you go, Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge.
12:09That'll warm you up on a cold morning.
12:10- Cheers, Sid.
12:13There's a hair in this.
12:15- Give it here.
12:18- There's another one.
12:22- Hang on.
12:24- That's disgusting that is, Sid.
12:26If the health authorities saw this they'd close you down.
12:29- I've been closed down for a lot worse than that, Denzil.
12:33I hate these politically correct people.
12:35- Yeah.
12:36- What're you having, Trig?
12:37- I'll try some of that porridge.
12:48- How are things?
12:50- Two teas, Sid.
12:51- Alright, Dave?
12:54- Yeah, alright, Trig.
12:55- Don't have the porridge, Rodney.
12:57I've just found hairs in mine.
12:59- It was only two hairs!
13:00-[Denzil] That's enough, isn't it?
13:04- Maybe there's a sporran in it.
13:07- So how's it going, Del?
13:08You got all your Christmas presents?
13:10- No, not yet.
13:11Damien wants a pet.
13:13- I didn't think the council allowed pets.
13:14- No, a little one, you know, like a rabbit
13:16or a guinea pig or something like that.
13:19- How's it going, Del?
13:20- Don't ask, Trig.
13:22- Things still the same then, eh?
13:23- Yeah, still giving me strife.
13:25- Yeah, it's a bitch, innit?
13:27- Well, that's stronging it a bit, Trig.
13:29- No, you're too soft, Del.
13:31- I've been in exactly the same boat as you have.
13:33D'you know what I done?
13:34I got shot of it.
13:36- Hey look, Trig, it's not as simple
13:38as just get shot of it.
13:39- No, Del loves, well, a strong bond exists,
13:44doesn't it Del?
13:45- That's right, we've been together a long time.
13:46- And you're just going to get more and more aggro.
13:49I know how you feel.
13:51You become attached to 'em, give 'em little pet names.
13:53I've done it, but take my advice, Del.
13:55Get down the dentists and have it out.
13:57(audience laughing)
13:59- Oh, my tooth.
14:01- It's best in the long run, Del.
14:04Try my dentist, he's good.
14:05I've been going to him for years.
14:07- Yeah, yeah, alright, I might try that, Trig.
14:10- Trig, we were talking about Del and Raquel.
14:12You still rowing?
14:14- He's never there to find out, are you?
14:15- No, she's still talking to me unfortunately.
14:21I'll never understand the workings of a woman's mind.
14:24I suppose that's why I gave up trying in the end.
14:29'Ere, who was that bird I used to go out with?
14:33- Which one?
14:34- What was her name?
14:38- What's she look like?
14:39- Redhead.
14:40- Ah, one of the redheads, Pauline?
14:43- No, no, no.
14:44- Veronique from Woolworths? - No.
14:46- Janine? - Who her?
14:48- Marion? - Who's Marion?
14:50- I don't know.
14:51You met her up at Catford Dog Track.
14:53You bought her a ring.
14:56- Oh yeah, no, not her.
14:57No, no, who am I thinking about?
14:59What was her name?
15:00Her dad was a tattooist.
15:02She had this tattoo of a heart
15:04with a dagger going through it on her thigh.
15:07- Don't ring a bell.
15:09- Well, you would have only been about two.
15:12What was her name?
15:13She worked in a betting shop down Lewisham Grove.
15:16- A betting shop down-- - Lewisham Grove.
15:19- Look, it don't matter.
15:21I went out with her for about,
15:24it must of been a month.
15:26Actually, she was going steady with another bloke
15:28at the time, but it didn't worry me.
15:30Made it more exciting.
15:32Well, she was a sporting girl, a good all-rounder
15:35you know what I mean?
15:38Well, I'd saved up me money, right,
15:40to take her on holiday.
15:41It was going to be really exotic.
15:42You know, the holiday of a lifetime.
15:45When all of a sudden, right out of the blue,
15:48for no reason, she packed me in.
15:50And yet, the night before, I'd taken her home
15:53to meet me mum and dad for the first time.
15:56(audience laughing)
16:02So, the next day I went down the betting shop,
16:05you know, to have a chat with her,
16:05take her out for lunch an' all that.
16:07And they said that she weren't there,
16:09but I knew that she was because I saw her
16:12crash helmet hanging up on the hook.
16:15So, I went and looked for her
16:16and do you know where I found her?
16:17She was hiding on the roof.
16:19She said she was sunbathing.
16:21- Well, maybe she was sunbathing.
16:23- No, it was a sloping roof.
16:26I mean, there she was, with her back against the tiles
16:29and her stilettos jammed in the gutter.
16:34She nearly fell off twice.
16:37Well, anyway, that was that.
16:40Oh, blimey, what was her name?
16:44- D'you get your money back on the holiday?
16:48- No, you know what these caravan sites
16:50are like, don't you?
17:15- Del Boy.
17:17- Oh, Rodders, what're you doing here?
17:19- Well, I had a couple of hours to kill,
17:20so I said to Cass, "I'll pop down the club and see Del."
17:23- Oh, right.
17:24'Ere Miguel, there you are look, a lager-top, please.
17:29- You're drinking a lot of scotch these days?
17:30- Yeah, well, it's the only thing
17:32that dulls the pain, innit?
17:34- Talk to her, Del.
17:36There's nothing that can't be sorted by talking it out.
17:40- I'm not talking about Raquel.
17:41I'm talking about my bloody tooth.
17:43- Well, go to the dentist.
17:44- I don't like dentists.
17:46- Well, then let it go rotten and get septicemia.
17:48- Look, shut up moanin', will you?
17:49I've come here to psyche myself up for the game
17:51and you do nothing but lecture me.
17:53God, it's like playing poker with Neil Kinnock.
17:58- Del Boy, Rodney.
18:01-[Del] Oh, how's it going, Boycie?
18:03- Life is one long uphill struggle at the moment, Derek.
18:07The second-hand car business is in its biggest slump
18:09since well, since the last one.
18:12Me and Marlene could only afford one week's holiday
18:15in Barbados this year.
18:16- Oh that's terrible, innit?
18:18Please, don't go on about it.
18:20You know how easy I cry.
18:23We'll have to hold a whip for him.
18:25- Can I count the lashes?
18:26(audience laughing)
18:28- Look, I happen to believe that everyone has the right
18:30to expect a certain standard of living.
18:33I mean, it's alright for you,
18:34coming from that council estate.
18:36I sometimes, I almost envy you.
18:39Not often, I must admit
18:41especially with all the problems you've got.
18:45- We ain't got no problems.
18:46Raquel and I are just going
18:47through a sticky patch, that's all.
18:49- When I mention problems, I was referring
18:51to that riot the other night.
18:53I hear they went through the whole estate looking
18:55for any halfway-decent car and then setting fire to it.
18:59Your three-wheeled van alright was it, Del Boy?
19:02- Yes, thank you, Boycie, they didn't lay a finger on it.
19:05- Well, that's a godsend, at least.
19:08- Only 'cause I know the leader of the rioters.
19:11Terrible though, innit, eh?
19:13The way they set fire to their own people's property
19:15when there's a very big car site just up the road.
19:19- But that's Boycie's car site, Derek.
19:21- Oh, is it Rodney?
19:22Well, let's hope that someone does not suggest that
19:24to the rioters, eh, Boycie?
19:28- Miguel, can you get my friends a drink?
19:31Same again please and put it on my account.
19:33Well, I must be off.
19:35Lots of luck, eh?
19:36- Yeah, cheers, Boycie.
19:38(laughing)
19:40- Miguel.
19:48Cor blimey.
19:53I don't know about me teeth.
19:54I think my eyes need testing.
20:00I turned 'round a bit quick just then
20:02and I thought Right Said Fred had just walked in.
20:04(laughing)
20:15- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
20:30- Aren't you gonna have a bet?
20:31- No I'm not, it's a mug's game.
20:34Hasn't it dawned on you yet
20:35that the only one who wins is the casino owner?
20:39- Sorry, what were you saying?
20:41- Yeah, alright, so you were lucky.
20:43Well, you've won now so let's go home.
20:45- Hey, now, don't talk wet, I'm on a roll.
20:47We'll play the evens.
20:49- Del, will you spare one moment's thought for Raquel?
20:53- Who d'you think I'm doing this for, Rodney?
20:54I'm doing this for her and Damien.
20:57Rodney, I couldn't say anything before
20:59because I didn't want the word to get out.
21:00It's been very delicate, but I'm tryin'
21:02to put together a big deal with Ronnie Nelson.
21:05- So, what are you doing down here
21:06at the One to One club most nights?
21:08- Because he owns it, don't he?
21:09He don't come in before one o'clock in the morning,
21:11so I've gotta hang about to have a word with him.
21:13I can't let this deal slip through me fingers, Rodney.
21:17I'll tell you what it is.
21:18650 hand-held camcorders,
21:23made in Russia.
21:26- Russian camcorders?
21:29I didn't think they went in for all
21:29that You've Been Framed cobblers.
21:32- No, no, Rodney, they're ex-military.
21:34They've got night vision on them and everything.
21:36- We are going to buy 650 Russian Army camcorders?
21:40- Yeah, with a bit of luck, 895 quid.
21:45- You're gonna pay 895 pound for a camera?
21:48- No, no, no, no, 895 five quid for the lot.
21:53- Well, they sound very classy.
21:56- State-of-the-art.
21:57-[Croupier] 30 red.
22:00- Aren't you gonna have a bet?
22:02- No, look, try an' look at it
22:05from Raquel's point of view, Del.
22:06She's in that flat night after night
22:09with Horatio and his tales of the sea
22:11and you're down here drinking and gambling.
22:14- I know, and does she appreciate it?
22:16- No!
22:17- No, she does not.
22:20Honestly, she thinks I'm out every night enjoying myself.
22:24Excuse me darling, same again, please?
22:28That's the trouble with women, Rodney.
22:30They change and they expect you to change with 'em.
22:33She wanted me to become a pipe and slippers man,
22:35you know, having a cup of tea and a biscuit
22:36and watching Family Fortunes.
22:39Well, stuff that for a game of toy soldiers.
22:42Don't get me wrong.
22:43I'm not adverse to a cup of Darjeeling
22:45and an 'obnob, but there is a time and a place
22:47for everything.
22:50I live life on the tightrope, and I enjoy the company
22:53of me mates and I don't see why I should change
22:55just 'cause I've met Raquel.
22:57- And who are your mates, Del?
22:59Boycie, the Freemason, a total snob who thinks
23:02anyone who's got a pound less than him is a peasant.
23:05Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it.
23:09And then we have Trigger, a road sweeper
23:11who gives pet names to his teeth.
23:15- They're still me mates.
23:18I'm not like you, Rodders.
23:20Del Boy is not for turning.
23:22- What's that supposed to mean?
23:24Marriage hasn't changed me.
23:26- Oh it has, Rodney.
23:27I've seen you and that Cassandra.
23:29She's into this conservation malarkey,
23:31and so is Rodney as well.
23:33- I have not changed, Del.
23:35When I make my mind up about something,
23:36nothing can alter it. - 140 pieces sir, thank you.
23:39- We'll stick with evens, shall we?
23:43- I'm gonna go and get some chips.
23:44(audience laughing)
23:57Come on, red, reds, reds!
24:01- Excuse me, Del, I'm afraid Ronnie won't be in now.
24:03I'll leave a message for him.
24:05- Yeah, alright, thanks.
24:14Come on, Rodney, let's go home.
24:16- No, hang on, the ball ain't landed yet.
24:20-[Croupier] 17, black.
24:22- Shit!
24:23- Oi, how much d'you lose?
24:26- 50.
24:29- You plonker.
24:32-[Rodney] I wouldn't have gambled at all
24:33if you hadn't encouraged me.
24:35- Oi, oi, oi, don't blame me.
24:38What d'you come here for anyway
24:39if you didn't want a flutter?
24:40- Oh, I'll tell you why, shall I?
24:42Cassandra suggested I come down here.
24:44- Oh, yeah, why?
24:45- So as we can get you home at a decent hour.
24:48We are trying to save your relationship with Raquel.
24:51You've been falling in half past one
24:52and two o'clock in the morning.
24:54And it is not on Del!
24:58(audience laughing)
25:01- It's eight o'clock in the morning.
25:04This is all your fault, Dopey!
25:06- Me?
25:07- Yes, you, you, you kept me talking in there.
25:09- Oh yeah?
25:10And who was it doing all the gambling?
25:11- Well, you were doing your fair share.
25:13Cor blimey, I could have been home hours ago
25:14if it weren't for you.
25:15You've really dropped me in it this time, Rodney.
25:19Look, we've got to be down the market in half an hour.
25:22Alright, listen, I know what you're thinking.
25:23I know what you're thinking, because I can read your minds.
25:26You're thinking, what do I want
25:27with all this skiing equipment?
25:28There ain't no mountains in Peckham.
25:31Absolutely true.
25:31Now, in a few months time, you yourself may decide
25:34to take an alpine holiday.
25:36Now, due to my unique style of bulk-buying,
25:41you can go togged out in the latest up-to-the-minute fashion
25:45at bargain basement prices.
25:47Now I'm going to show you how stylish this gear is
25:50because it is being modeled now
25:51by my younger brother, Rodney.
25:54(audience laughing)
25:58Now, the jacket is padded in pure fiberglass
26:02and quilted in natural nylon.
26:06Now this jacket alone would set you back
26:08about a 120 quid at Lillywhites,
26:10but this can be yours for a mere 35 pounds
26:14and it comes in all sizes.
26:16Now all this equipment here is manufactured
26:19by the one country that leads the world
26:21in alpine clothing, namely Fiji.
26:24(audience laughing)
26:27Just a moment please.
26:27(phone ringing)
26:28This is probably the Austrian Olympic squad
26:31wanting to increase their order.
26:33Hello, Trotters Independent Traders, PLC,
26:36Arctic clothing department.
26:38- Alright, Dave?
26:41- Rodney, it's Cassandra!
26:47- Cass, I told you never to phone me at work.
26:51What, what now?
26:56Cass, I can't, I'm in the middle.
27:00Yes, alright.
27:05Del, I got to shoot off.
27:06Cassie needs me at home.
27:07- What for?
27:10- Well, it's probably the right time.
27:12- Oh, come on, Rodney, she'll keep 'till this evening.
27:15- No, it's, well, you know.
27:20She's most probably at the right temperature.
27:24- Stone me, Rodney.
27:25What are you two trying for, a baby or a barbecue?
27:31Go on, go on, hurry up.
27:33'Ere, don't you want to change your.
27:37Oh, look at that.
27:41- Cass, I'm home.
27:43-[Cassandra] I'm in here, Roddy.
27:44- Alright, won't be a minute.
27:48(audience laughing)
28:00- Sorry about that, Raquel, I was, I was hot.
28:05What you doing here?
28:07- She's left Del.
28:08- Left him, why?
28:10- D'you know what time in he got in this morning?
28:13- No. - Quarter past eight.
28:19- Geddaway!
28:20- He just changed into his working clothes
28:21and went straight down the market.
28:23He didn't even stop for a cup of tea.
28:25Well, that was the last straw.
28:26He's not treating me like that anymore.
28:28- Look, you've got to try an' look at it
28:29from his point of view, Raquel.
28:31There are extenuating circumstances.
28:34-[Raquel] Like what?
28:36- Well, he's having a lot of trouble with his teeth.
28:38- That's no excuse.
28:40- No, I know, but he is in pain.
28:41- So am I, Rodney, so am I.
28:44- Well, where're you gonna go?
28:46- I said they could stay here.
28:47- Here, but this is a one-bedroom flat.
28:50- This is a sofa bed.
28:52- I won't be here for long,
28:53a couple of nights, that's all.
28:54Is that OK with you?
28:57- Yeah, yeah, of course.
28:59- Good, I'll make us a cup of something.
29:03- I'll help.
29:26- Here we go, gentlemen.
29:29Drinks, is that right, Del, just a lemonade for you?
29:32- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
29:33I'm going down to visit Trig's dentist this afternoon.
29:36I don't want to smell of booze.
29:38- So, how's things on the home front?
29:39You and Raquel still at pistols drawn, are you?
29:41- Yeah, still involved in the cold war,
29:44but I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it.
29:47Oh, give her time, she'll learn.
29:49- That's exactly the attitude I took with my Corrine.
29:52Even when she left me, I refused to change
29:57seven years ago, but I haven't changed.
29:59- Yeah, but there is a difference though,
30:00ain't there Denzil?
30:01I mean, you know, Raquel would never leave me
30:04because it's the real deep love thing.
30:07- Women are a mystery, though, ain't they?
30:10- What, here's a mystery for you.
30:12Answer me this.
30:13Why is it that women always want to know
30:16what time you got in?
30:17Right, they say to you, "What time d'you get in last night?"
30:19And you say, "Oh I don't know, about quarter past 12."
30:21And they say, "No you didn't, it was 20 to two."
30:25And I think to myself, "Well, why bloody ask?"
30:27- Yeah, he's right, he's right.
30:29Why ask?
30:30It's like saying to you, "What's that on the telly,
30:32"Coronation Street or Eastenders?"
30:34And you say, "It's Eastenders,"
30:35and they say, "No it ain't, it's Coronation Street."
30:38I mean, why ask?
30:39- Yeah, why ask?
30:40- Beats me.
30:41- You know, I came home one night
30:42and my missus said, "Yeah, where are you living now?"
30:45And I said, "Here," and she said, "No you ain't,"
30:47and threw me suitcase at me.
30:50-[All] Why ask?
30:52- Why ask?
30:58Well, I mean that's women for you, innit?
30:59I mean, they're a different breed.
31:01Take my Marlene, she's always moaning on and on
31:04about how I don't respect her.
31:06I mean, me, don't respect my own wife?
31:10Daft old mare.
31:12Oh, you know I love her, don't get me wrong,
31:14but sometimes I think getting married was
31:16the worst mistake I ever made in my life.
31:19I sometimes think back to when we first met
31:21in Lewisham Grove.
31:24I wish I'd never ever walked into that betting shop now.
31:27(audience laughing)
31:35- Oh, so that's who you-- - Trigger!
31:40- I've just remembered something very important
31:41I meant to tell you.
31:42- What's that? - It's gone now.
31:44- Oh, that's alright Denzil, that happens
31:45to me all the time.
31:49See, I was just gonna say something important to Del,
31:51and it's gone now.
31:55So how'd it turn out then, Mike?
31:57- Eh?
32:00- Coronation Street or Eastenders?
32:04- As long as it weren't El Dorado,
32:06we can all sleep easy, eh?
32:10- Alright, Unc?
32:11Any messages for me?
32:13- That bloke phoned about the video cameras.
32:16And someone come 'round moaning about a pair of ski pants.
32:20Oh, and Raquel's left you.
32:27- I don't believe it Rodney, I just don't believe it.
32:29I have never, never had a woman walk out on me like that.
32:33- Yes, you have. - Who?
32:35- All of 'em.
32:37- Yeah, but they didn't have my child with them, did they?
32:42- Look, Del, I feel a bit embarrassed
32:45about Raquel staying at the flat, and that.
32:47But what could I do?
32:48I couldn't refuse, could I?
32:50- No, of course not, bruv.
32:52No, you couldn't see them turned out
32:53on the street, could you?
32:55No, you look after 'em.
32:56I'll see you alright for some money.
32:58- Oh, don't be silly.
32:59- No, no, no, come on, straight up.
33:00I appreciate what you are doing.
33:02- Look Del, I reckon all it would take is one phone call
33:05and you two'd be back together in no time.
33:08It'll just take one word, sorry.
33:17- No, I think you're right, Rodney.
33:19Alright, get her to phone me and apologize.
33:21(audience laughing)
33:23- I was talking about you.
33:25- Me, what have I done?
33:26- Raquel hardly ever sees you.
33:29You treat that flat like a lodging house.
33:31She told me you walked into the bedroom one night
33:33and Damien screamed, thought you was an intruder.
33:36- That is rubbish, that is.
33:38Look, I've been under a lot of stress lately,
33:40what with business deals and all that.
33:43- Well, I explained to her.
33:44I said, "Del's been under a lot of pressure,
33:46"what with business and his teeth going manky."
33:49- Exactly, what with, my teeth are not going manky!
33:52They just need looking at, that's all!
33:53- Well, get in there and have 'em looked at then!
33:56- I don't like dentists.
33:58- It's like the Milky Bar Kid.
34:00- I'll tell you what we'll do, right?
34:01Look, we'll go down to Ronnie Nelson's
34:04and pick up the cameras, then we'll come back here
34:06and I'll go to the dentist.
34:07- No, you go to the dentist now,
34:10and then we'll pick the cameras up.
34:13Oh go on, get in there.
34:19- Are you coming with me?
34:25- No, I'm gonna have a kip in the van.
34:28- Hey, oi, Rodney, I'm going get you.
34:38- Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.
34:39Mrs. Patel just rang to cancel her four o'clock appointment.
34:43- Thank you Beverly.
34:44(yelling)
34:45That's the one.
34:47- Well, I know that!
34:49- Help yourself to the.
34:55(audience laughing)
35:05D'you have regular dental checks, Mr. Trotter?
35:07- Oh yes, doctor.
35:08You can't be too careful where the old choppers
35:10are concerned, can you?
35:12- And who was the last dentist you saw?
35:14- The last one, that would be Mr. Owens.
35:17Had a surgery down at Ghandi Avenue.
35:18- Mr. Owens?
35:21He died on the night of the Queen's Silver Jubilee, 1977.
35:25- I know, it was tragic, weren't it?
35:28- So you have a regular checkup every 16 years?
35:33- I think it's better in the long run, don't you?
35:35- Yeah, yeah, I'm afraid this tooth of yours
35:39is beyond repair Mr. Trotter.
35:40It'll have to come out.
35:42- Oh, it's got to come out?
35:43Well, I'll make an appointment to see you next week.
35:45- No, no, I'll do it now.
35:46- Now?
35:47- Don't worry, you won't feel a thing.
35:51This'll just make one side of your face a bit numb.
35:55- Ah you see, but the thing is, you know,
35:56I'm in a bit of a hurry, see.
35:58-[Dentist] It'll only take five minutes.
36:00- But, my brother's out there in the van.
36:02- Just a little prick.
36:04- Oh, do you know him then, do you?
36:05(audience laughing)
36:19(moaning)
36:23- There we are.
36:26Now, if you'd like to sit in the waiting room for a while,
36:29just leave the anesthetic time to work,
36:30I'll call you in five minutes.
36:33- Thank you, doctor.
36:38(buzzing)
36:39- Mrs. Marshall, you can go through now.
36:50- I've just got to wait for this jollop to work.
36:52- It doesn't take too long.
36:54Perhaps we could complete this form while you're waiting?
36:58It's just for new patients.
37:00I've got most of your details.
37:02Now then, let me see, next of kin?
37:07- Next of kin?
37:08Blimey, I'm only having me tooth out.
37:11- Oh, it's just Local Health Authority procedure.
37:15- I haven't got no next of kin.
37:17- What, no one?
37:19- Well, there's me brother.
37:21- Have you got any dependents?
37:22- Yeah, my brother.
37:28(audience laughing)
37:45Yeah, I've got a son.
37:46-[Beverly] Ah, that's better.
37:49- It's Damien, Damien Derek Trotter.
37:52- Oh, my daughter's got a little boy called that.
37:55- What, Damien Derek Trotter?
37:57- No, just Damien.
38:01- You're having me on.
38:02You've got a grandson? - Yeah.
38:04- Never, must have had your daughter very, very young.
38:09I'd have put you down as, well, you know, late 20s.
38:13- Oh, get off.
38:15- No honest, straight up.
38:19Is he your husband, is he now?
38:21- Mr. Ellis? - Yeah.
38:23- No, I just work here.
38:24- Oh, I see, you know, I thought it might be, you know,
38:26like a family business, something like that.
38:28- No, I'm divorced.
38:32Yeah, we broke up about, well, nine years ago.
38:34- Oh, really, 'cause my partner,
38:39she, you know, she left me.
38:41- Oh I'm sorry.
38:44You know, people say time's a great healer,
38:47but I'm not so sure.
38:49Even now, I sometimes think about those days
38:52and, well, it still hurts, you know?
38:55- Yes, I know the feeling.
38:57I still get these little pangs.
38:59- When did your relationship break up?
39:01- This morning.
39:04- This morning?
39:06- Yeah, perhaps you and me ought to go out
39:08with each other and, you know,
39:09cry on each other's shoulders.
39:12- Del, there is a rat in the van.
39:15- You what?
39:16- In the van, there's a rat!
39:18- A rat?
39:19- In the van!
39:20- What are you on about?
39:22- I'm trying to inform you that there is a rat
39:25in the van.
39:26- It's not a rat!
39:29It's a gerbil.
39:32- Alright, so there's a gerbil in the van.
39:35- I know, I got it for Christmas.
39:37- For Christmas?
39:42For Damien?
39:44- Yes, it's one of his presents, Gerry the Gerbil.
39:48I had it in a cage in the back of the van.
39:50The door must have come open or something, I don't know.
39:53Go and put it back in the cage.
39:56- Eh?
39:58- Go and put the gerbil back in the cage.
40:10Dependents. (laughing)
40:13No, my boy, he wanted a pet for Christmas,
40:16so I got him Gerry the Gerbil.
40:20So, what about it, Beverly?
40:21- Sorry?
40:22- You know, you and me having a date.
40:26- Oh, it's very nice of you but well you see,
40:30the thing is your relationship's only just broken up.
40:33In a couple of days' time,
40:34you could both be back together again.
40:36- No, no, I won't.
40:37No, it's finished, kaput.
40:39There's no going back.
40:40I'm a free agent.
40:42I can go where I want, and with whom I want.
40:44- Okay then.
40:48- Lovely jubbly!
40:50You know it makes sense.
40:53Well, what about I see you this evening then,
40:55about eight o'clock?
40:58Take you out for a slap-up meal,
40:59you know, steak, onion rings.
41:04- Oh fine.
41:07That's where I live, and that's the telephone number
41:10in case anything goes wrong.
41:13- She y'sheeving. - What?
41:16- Oh, sorry, der anshe'ic's beginnin' to work.
41:21- He'll be with you in a minute.
41:23- Oh alright.
41:29I'll just, er, shit here.
41:31(audience laughing)
41:50- Are they the Russian cameras Del was telling me about?
41:53- No, this is a pair of Chelsea boots
41:54with an elasticated gusset.
41:57Of course it's the Russian camera.
41:59- Alright then.
42:00- How's your mouth Del?
42:01- Oh, can't feel a thing.
42:03Brilliant dentist.
42:04- These camcorders are bigger than I imagined.
42:07- Yeah, they are a bit on the wide side, aren't they, eh?
42:10- You said they was hand-held?
42:11- Well, you're holding 'em in your hands, aren't you?
42:13- Only just!
42:15How are you supposed to carry one
42:16of these 'round Euro Disney on your shoulder?
42:18You'll do your back in.
42:19- Well, that's good for you Rodney,
42:20good for your strength, you see.
42:22Build your strength up won't it, eh?
42:23Save you a fortune on all them weights
42:24and rowing machines and all that sort of stuff.
42:27I wonder what that writing says on the side there.
42:30- Reject, most probably.
42:31(audience laughing)
42:33- These are not rejects Rodney.
42:35These are top of the range, these are.
42:36Look at them.
42:37Look, look how solid they are.
42:39No bits of plastic to break off.
42:41The cassette, look at that, is inside the camera.
42:44Don't muck about with them soppy little things.
42:47No, this was designed for tank warfare, this you know.
42:51Yes, look at that.
42:52I can just see 'em now, alright number one,
42:54fire a shot across his bow.
42:57- Del. - Yeah?
42:58- They don't fit the machine.
43:02- Yeah, I know that.
43:04I know they are a different size,
43:05but it's no problem 'cause Ronnie Nelson,
43:07he's got a consignment of Russian VCRs
43:10coming over next Tuesday from Volgograd.
43:15- So, if we actually do find
43:16a mercenary who wants to tape his next tank battle
43:19to show the wife and kids, he's gotta buy
43:21a Russian VCR of us an' all?
43:23I can't see 'em queuing for this one, Del.
43:25- 95 quid the set, can't be bad, can it, eh?
43:28Think about it, Rodney, you'll make your money
43:30on this and more.
43:32All you gotta do is fall on your arse
43:33and old Jeremy Beadle will give you a grand.
43:37- You going out, Del?
43:38- Yes, yes, I'm going out, I got a date.
43:40- A date? - Uh-huh.
43:42- What d'you mean you've got a date?
43:44- I've got a date.
43:45I met this woman down at the dentists.
43:47I'm taking her out for dinner.
43:49- I don't believe I'm hearing this.
43:51- Well, you've surprised me, Del.
43:53Raquel and your baby are only just around the corner
43:56and you're going out with some young bird.
43:58- She is not a young bird.
44:00She happens to be a grandmother.
44:02- A grandmother?
44:05Well, perhaps she can bring her sister along for him.
44:10- She is a very young grandmother.
44:14Sister along.
44:17Don't look at me like that, Rodney.
44:19Raquel was the one that walked out on me.
44:28You don't know what it's like.
44:30I'm not an island, Rodney.
44:33A man gets lonely.
44:36- Raquel only left this morning.
44:37(audience laughing)
44:39- Del, she's left you for longer periods
44:41when she's been out shopping.
44:43- Yeah, I know, but it's horrible in here now.
44:45- You've got Albert.
44:46- That's what I mean.
44:49- Could you honestly cheat on Raquel?
44:50Two-time the mother of your baby?
44:53- Oh, bonnet de douche!
44:55I'm only taking her out to a Berni Inn.
44:57- Yeah, but that can lead to other things, can't it?
45:00- Yeah, like next week I'll take her to a Spudulike.
45:03- You know what I mean.
45:06Did you know that Raquel was crying this afternoon?
45:12- Crying?
45:12- Yeah, sat on our sofa crying her eyes out because of you.
45:18- Poor cow.
45:21- That's what I thought.
45:23Well, I'll see you later.
45:24Do enjoy your steak, Derek.
45:26- Rodney, Rodney, alright.
45:27Alright, alright, now you've made your point.
45:32I was only tryin' to see, you know,
45:35if I could still pull.
45:37I'll call her and break off the date.
45:40- Good, and while you've got the phone in your hand,
45:42give Raquel a call and ask her to come home.
45:44- No way, Pedro.
45:47If she wants to come back to this flat,
45:49she's got to call me.
45:50- Oh, you kill me, Derek.
45:52I'll see you tomorrow.
45:55- You're doing the right thing, Del.
45:57It was a bad move.
45:59- Yeah, I expect you're right.
46:02Pity, really, she fancied one of these cameras an' all.
46:10(phone ringing)
46:15-[Beverly] Hi, this is Beverly.
46:16I can't come to the phone right now,
46:18but if you'd like to leave a message after the tone,
46:20I'll get back to you.
46:22(beeping)
46:24- Ah yeah, hello Beverly.
46:26This is Del Boy.
46:30The thing is, I can't make our date tonight.
46:34You know, I'm sorry.
46:35I'll give you a call another time, alright?
46:38Yeah, bonjour.
46:43- I'll pour us a drink, Del.
46:44- Yeah, I wish I had a dog or a cat.
46:47- You've got that gerbil.
46:48- Yeah, but I feel like kicking something up the arse.
46:56- He was doing what?
46:57- Shh, Raquel's in there.
46:59- He was going out with another woman?
47:01- He was threatening to.
47:03He was all dressed up.
47:05He looked like a heartthrob out of Crossroads.
47:08- D'you think he's going through a mid-life crisis?
47:10You know, dressing up, trying to attract young girls.
47:12- No, if that was the case then Del's male menopause
47:15started when he was 14.
47:17Anyway, she's not a young girl.
47:19She's a grandmother.
47:21- A grandmother?
47:22- Shh, he met her at the dentist's.
47:26I don't think much would have happened
47:27on their date anyway.
47:28They'd have most probably sat
47:29in a Berni Inn counting her teeth.
47:32- Why doesn't he just phone Raquel?
47:33They're obviously both missing each other.
47:35- Well, it's his pride, isn't it?
47:37He's the man who must be seen to be the man.
47:40He's never had a very modern attitude towards women
47:42and relationships.
47:44When he was younger, Del's idea of safe sex
47:46was not telling the girl where he lived.
47:48(audience laughing)
47:50S'funny, but, in them days, Del used to be my hero.
47:54- Del?
47:55You're joking.
47:57- No, I could tell you things about Del Boy
47:58that would amaze you.
48:00- Go on then, amaze me.
48:03- Well there's.
48:05Yeah, there's the time he took his O Levels.
48:07I was only a little sprog,
48:08but I still remember the night he brought his results home.
48:11He'd got eight A's.
48:13- Eight A's, Del?
48:16- Yeah, A for English, A for maths.
48:17The list just went on.
48:19- Wait a minute, they were someone else's results
48:20weren't they?
48:21- No, no, they were Del's results.
48:24I remember me Mum and Dad was all excited.
48:26We had a big family celebration, aunties, uncles, the lot.
48:30Del was tossing up where to go, you know,
48:32Oxford or Cambridge.
48:34He phoned up both universities, made a few inquiries,
48:38what the pubs are like, that sort of thing.
48:40- I can't imagine Del getting eight A's.
48:43- No, he surprised everyone.
48:45Then, a couple of days later, we got a letter
48:47from the school.
48:49Turned out the A's all stood for absent.
48:53(laughing)
48:54- He hadn't turned up for any of the exams?
48:55- No, not one.
48:57He'd been down the market flogging some hooky Tom Jones LPs.
49:02Mind you, you wouldn't have laughed
49:03if you'd been there at the time.
49:04My dad went potty.
49:07He was shouting at Del, calling him names.
49:09Del was ducking round the room tryin' to escape.
49:14Then it all turned violent.
49:17He'd been out drinking you see.
49:20He took his belt off, he started whacking him,
49:23punching and everything.
49:25That's what he was like.
49:27Me mum was screaming, "Don't hit him, don't hit him!"
49:30And I was crying.
49:32- God, poor Rodney.
49:36Was he hurt?
49:38- Not too bad, he was in hospital for a couple of days.
49:42Me mum took me up to visit him.
49:44- And what happened to your father?
49:47- I'm talking about me father.
49:49- Oh, I thought you meant Del!
49:52- Oh no, he was alright.
49:55He was a dirty little fighter.
49:56He used to go in low and grabbing.
49:59I've seen him in so many fights over the years.
50:02I've heard sounds that only a White Hunter
50:03could make sense of.
50:06I suppose that's why he was my hero
50:09'cause from that day onwards, me dad never whacked me again.
50:12He was too frightened of what Del would do to him
50:14if he found out.
50:17So, that's how my life went on.
50:19As long as Del was around, no one could do me any harm.
50:23Of course, he made up for that in later life, but.
50:36Is it time again?
50:38- Mm, how you feeling?
50:44- Well, you know, I'll give it a go.
50:49Oh that's nice.
50:52Now, don't bite me, you know how easily I bruise.
51:02- Rodney? - Mm?
51:10(yelling)
51:11- It's alright, he's just wandered in.
51:16- Wandered in?
51:18Cassandra, I locked the bedroom door.
51:28- Alright if I come in?
51:30- I didn't lock the door.
51:32- Rodney. - There you are.
51:34Mummy's been looking everywhere for you.
51:36Sorry about this.
51:37- It's alright. - I don't know.
51:39He sleeps all day and only comes alive at night.
51:42(audience laughing)
51:44Say, night to Uncle Rodney and Auntie Cassandra.
51:47- Night.
51:49- Night. - Night, Damien.
51:54- What d'you think then?
51:56- Leave it to tomorrow, shall we?
51:57- Yeah.
52:03- Look, it's for an endangered species.
52:05Do you realize what's happening to.
52:08Listen, Del's been hitting the sauce a bit heavy lately.
52:12Just keep an eye on him, would you?
52:13- Yeah, I understand.
52:14Leave it to me, Rodney. - Cheers.
52:15Look, all I'm asking for is 50 pence.
52:18- What happens when you save all these whales?
52:20They'll start breeding won't they?
52:22- Well, I wouldn't be surprised.
52:24- I don't know how anyone could fancy a whale.
52:29- No, I don't.
52:30Big ugly things, ain't they?
52:31- No, look, you don't have to breed with them.
52:33They can sort that sort of thing out themselves.
52:35- I know a lot more about the sea than you do Rodney.
52:38- Oh God, here we go.
52:39- You'd be surprised how quickly these whales breed.
52:42- Three.
52:43- And there not all as gentle as some people imagine.
52:46- Two.
52:47- You get a quite a lot of 'em together
52:48and they can be quite dangerous.
52:49- One.
52:51- During the war-- - We have lift off.
52:54- I was in a submarine up in the Bering Sea
52:56and we got attacked by a whale.
52:58- It was most probably trying to protect its young, Albert.
53:01- No it wasn't, it fancied us.
53:04- A whale got the hots for your submarine?
53:06- Yeah, it was horrible.
53:08We were shaking all over the place.
53:11- It's like your worst nightmare, ain't it Dave?
53:14- No, my worst nightmare is sitting in the pub having
53:15a conversation with you two.
53:18- Mm.
53:19(audience laughing)
53:23- It went on for about half hour.
53:25The skipper told us to hang on for dear life
53:27and don't do anything to annoy it.
53:30He put the periscope up at one point.
53:32- Up where?
53:35- He looked through the viewfinder
53:36and went as white as a sheet.
53:38God knows what he saw,
53:40but that man never ate halibut again.
53:47- So what d'you do when it was over?
53:49All lie back and have a cigarette?
53:52- Don't take the mickey out of me, Rodney.
53:54Have you ever tried to lay a underwater telephone line
53:57during the mating season?
53:58- No, no, I haven't.
54:00- Well, my advice to you, son, is don't ever attempt it.
54:04- You want to listen to him, Dave.
54:05He knows what he's talking about.
54:08- Alright, Rodders?
54:09- I never thought I'd hear myself say this,
54:10but here comes a man with some intelligence.
54:13'Ere listen, are you going to give
54:14a couple of bob for charity?
54:15- Yeah, you know me, I'd do anything for a good cause.
54:18What's this?
54:19- He's tryin' to save whales.
54:20- Oh, no, no, no, no, they don't get nothing,
54:23not after the way they beat us at rugby last year.
54:28- Yeah, fair enough.
54:30- So, how's Cassandra?
54:32She pregnant yet?
54:33- No, ain't likely to be either with that little git
54:35standing at the bottom of the bed.
54:36- What little git's that?
54:39- Oh, it's, yeah, it's Cassandra.
54:42She's got this big teddy bear.
54:43She's had it since she was a kid, you know,
54:45and it sort of sits there at the bottom
54:46of the bed and puts me off. - Silly mare.
54:49How would she like it if you had your Meccano set
54:51at the bottom of the bed, eh?
54:53- Yeah, alright, well, don't go on about it.
54:54It's personal.
54:55It's something that you.
55:03- See you later, Trig.
55:06Alright, how's Damien and Raquel?
55:08- Alright, she's taking Damien up London tomorrow
55:10to show him the sights.
55:12Apparently his daddy's always been a bit too busy
55:14to do it himself.
55:15- Yes, he is too busy.
55:17He's too busy out there earning the poppy
55:18to pay for the grub and the underfloor heating.
55:22Still crying, is she?
55:23- Yes, all through yesterday afternoon,
55:26and then all through tea time.
55:30- Is it getting on your nerves?
55:32- I'll tell you what's getting on my nerves, shall I?
55:33You are missing Raquel and Damien
55:35and Raquel and Damien are missing you,
55:37but nobody it seems, nobody has the intelligence
55:40to sort out the problem.
55:42- I told you, all she's got to do is phone me.
55:44- But she doesn't know how you feel.
55:47She thinks you want a life of shanting it up
55:49with your mates and going to casinos.
55:51She doesn't realize that it was just a phase
55:53while you were putting a deal together
55:54because you never told her.
55:56- Yeah, well I had to play it close to me chest didn't I?
55:58I didn't want word slipping out.
55:59- But she don't know that.
56:01- Yeah, well that, you know, and what with my tooth.
56:03- Now you've had that out.
56:05Del, phone her and tell her.
56:08- What, that I've had me tooth out?
56:09- No, phone her and tell her that you.
56:12Oh, tell her what you bloody like, just phone her.
56:15- Alright, alright Rodney.
56:16I'll give her a bell.
56:18- There you are, Del, a large scotch, on the house.
56:21- Oh, cheers.
56:22- Mike, what are you doing?
56:23Don't go giving him large scotches on the house!
56:25- Oh, I'm sorry, Rodney, I forgot.
56:28Del, that's 1.85, son.
56:33- I didn't even ask for it.
56:38Oh, hello, hello, sweetheart, listen, don't say a word.
56:40Just don't say anything.
56:41Just, just listen to me while I'm in the mood.
56:45Right, now I'm missing you darling
56:47and I want you to come home.
56:50Now, I know that I haven't been very fair to you,
56:52in the past but look I can explain it
56:56if you'll just give me the chance.
56:58I love you and that will never change.
57:02Things will be different in the future.
57:05So what d'you say, alright?
57:11Oh, sorry Cassandra, yeah, I wanna speak to Raquel.
57:17She's in the where?
57:19Oh alright, I'll hang on.
57:25-[Boycie] Del Boy?
57:26- Oh hello, Boycie.
57:40-[Boycie] Who was that woman?
57:42- Hmm, what woman?
57:44I didn't see no woman.
57:46- That one that just smiled at you.
57:48- I didn't see anybody smile at me.
57:48No one's smiled at me all evening.
57:50- Where do I know her face from?
57:52Oh yeah, I remember, Bronco, Marlene's brother.
57:55He was in hospital last year
57:56and we went up to see him.
57:57That's where I saw her.
57:58- Oh that's cleared that mystery up then.
58:00Wait a minute. Bronco?
58:02Wasn't he in a psychiatric hospital?
58:04- Yeah.
58:07- Thanks.
58:09Hello.
58:15- Hello, hello, Raquel.
58:19How are you? - Fine, you?
58:22- Yeah, lovely, I'm missing you, darling.
58:27- I'm missing you as well, you rotten sod.
58:29- Come on then, why don't you come home, eh?
58:32- It's not as simple as that.
58:33- Sweetheart, don't take too much notice of me
58:35in the last month.
58:36It's just been a one-off, that's all.
58:39- What about the month before that?
58:40- Yeah, well that was a one- off an' all.
58:42- Well, I didn't like your attitude.
58:44You were willing to gamble with our house-keeping money,
58:46with our future in some grotty little South London casino.
58:50- Look sweetheart, that's all in the past, I tell you.
58:52Look, no more casinos, no more pubs.
58:55- Same again, Del?
58:56- Yeah, alright Trig, thanks.
58:59Yeah, just a, you know, a lemonade and a lime.
59:04- Listen to me, stupid, I don't mind you going down
59:07the Nag's Head so long as it's not every night.
59:09And when you do go down there,
59:10I wouldn't mind going as well.
59:12- Yeah, well, that's my thoughts entirely, sweetheart.
59:14Exactly.
59:15We'll just go down, we'll go down at weekends,
59:17you know, just to be sociable.
59:18Listen, I tell you what sweetheart,
59:20if you're going to go out shopping,
59:21you get me a pair of those checkered slippers
59:23and a 100-weight of 'obnobs.
59:26I'm a changed man.
59:27I am, I'll even take little Damien out,
59:29you know, no excuses.
59:32So what do you reckon, sweetheart,
59:34can I come and pick you up?
59:35- Not right now, Damien's fast asleep.
59:38- Alright, what about first thing in the morning?
59:40- I promised to take him up London, Madame Tussaud's.
59:42Unless you'd like to come with us?
59:44- Oh no, no I can't tomorrow, darling.
59:45I'm going to pick up all them Russian VCRs.
59:49Look, I'll pick you up tomorrow night, yeah?
59:51- Alright then.
59:52- Alright, Raquel say the magic words.
59:56- Don't be silly.
59:58- Go on, go on Raquel, say the magic words.
60:04- I love you, Trotter.
60:06- Yes!
60:09Alright, darling, I'll pick you up tomorrow, alright?
60:11Ta ta.
60:15That is it, Del Boy, you're now a changed man.
60:19This is the first day of the rest of your life.
60:23Michael, a bottle of your finest champagne, please.
60:26(audience laughing)
60:33(crashing)
60:34(cats screaming and dogs barking)
60:37Shh, shh, shh, shh.
60:57♫ Just one voice, singing in the darkness
61:07♫ All it takes is one voice
61:13♫ Singing so they hear what's on your mind
61:16♫ And when you look around you'll find
61:19♫ There's more than one voice
61:25♫ Singing in the darkness
61:31♫ Joining with your one voice
61:35(audience laughing)
61:37♫ Each and every note another octave
61:40♫ Hands are joined and fears unlocked
61:42- What's going on down there?
61:43♫ If only one voice would start it on its own
61:49♫ We need just one voice
61:51-[Man] It's Trotter, he's drunk again.
61:54-[Woman] Why don't you go off home to bed, Derek?
61:55♫ And that one voice would never be alone
62:15♫ Pack up all your cares and woes
62:18♫ Here I go, singing low, bye-bye blackbird
62:25- Why don't you shut up, Mick!
62:26You're making him worse!
62:27- You want me to shut up?
62:30Why don't you make me shut up?
62:32- Right, I'll shut that big mouth of yours downstairs!
62:36- It's a fight you want?
62:38Right, I'm in for some of that.
62:41- Oh no, that's all we need.
62:43♫ One voice
62:46- Del Boy, Del, come in here!
62:52(phone ringing)
62:53-[Cassandra] Oh no!
63:07- Hello?
63:09Yeah, alright, bye-bye.
63:23Del Boy's singing in the precinct.
63:28Del's singing in the precinct.
63:31- I can't hear anything.
63:33- No, that was Albert on the phone.
63:36Del's singing on the estate.
63:40It's quarter past two in the morning and Del's singing.
63:43- Why? - I don't know.
63:46- Has he woken anyone up?
63:48- Yeah, you and me for a start.
63:52Albert, why is Del singing?
63:56Yeah, mm, mm-hmm, right.
64:04No, he don't know either.
64:08What d'you mean, come round?
64:09What d'you want me to do harmonize with him?
64:13Albert, there's not a song
64:14in the world Del knows all the words to,
64:16so he'll be finished in a minute, won't he?
64:19No, I am not coming 'round.
64:21I'll see you tomorrow.
64:24I don't believe it.
64:31I'd better go 'round and see what's happening.
64:40♫ It takes that one voice
64:46♫ Just one voice singing in the darkness
64:57♫ All it takes is one voice
65:03♫ Shout it out and let it ring
65:10♫ Just one voice
65:14♫ It takes that one voice
65:22♫ And everyone will sing
65:34(baby crying)
65:36(sirens blaring)
65:46- What's happening now, Rodney?
65:47- What's happening?
65:48They're rioting again, that's what's happening!
65:51Why don't you have a look for yourself?
65:53- You're joking, I might get
65:55a brick come through the window!
65:57- We're on the 12th bloody floor, Albert.
66:00What d'you think they've done,
66:00invited Geoff Capes along?
66:03- Mrs. Murphy says they've brought the horses out.
66:05- Yeah, the police have gone to get theirs now.
66:12- Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, can't you turn that telly down?
66:14I'm in here trying to get some sleep, ain't I, eh?
66:17- I don't believe it.
66:18Would you have a look out that window
66:20and see what's happening.
66:22- Why, what's the matter now?
66:23- There's a full-scale inner-city riot going on downstairs.
66:27They're all there, Del, the SPG,
66:29snatch squads, looters, people who wanna get on telly,
66:33and unless I'm very much mistaken, Kate Adie.
66:36(audience laughing)
66:39- Oh, oh, well, what started them all off again then?
66:43- You! - Me?
66:45What have I done?
66:46- You were singing, Del.
66:47- Singing, me?
66:49- Now don't try an' deny it, son, 'cause I heard you.
66:51- Singing?
66:53Oh, yeah, that's, no, wait a minute, I remember now.
66:54That's right, I was celebrating, Rodney.
66:56Raquel and Damien are coming home.
66:58- Oh, that's a good reason for a civil war, innit?
67:02- Well, I was feeling a bit euphoric.
67:04What's more natural than to give vent
67:06to your joy with a little song, eh?
67:08- It was One Voice Singing in the Darkness.
67:11- Yeah, hark at them now, there's bloody thousands of 'em.
67:14- Alright, OK!
67:17I'm sorry.
67:18- Oh well, that's alright then, innit, Albert?
67:21- Alright, what do you want me to do?
67:22Tell me what I should do and I'll do it.
67:24- Oh well, why don't you stand out there
67:25on the balcony and shout stop it?
67:27- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
67:28They won't take no notice of that will they?
67:30I tell you what I'm going to do.
67:33I'm going to get dressed and I'm going to go down there.
67:35- Eh, 'ere listen, what're you going to do?
67:38You going to try an' talk sense into 'em?
67:40- No, I'm gonna flog 'em some of this ski gear.
67:48There we are.
67:50Lovely jubbly.
67:52Come on then, off we go.
67:58-[Rodney] Aren't you gonna check 'em?
68:00- Mm, no, I don't have to.
68:01I know what's in them, Russian video recorders.
68:03-[Rodney] No, I mean, aren't you going
68:04to check if they're OK?
68:05- Yeah, I've had a look at one.
68:06They've got buttons and lights and things.
68:07They seem kosher to me.
68:09Go on, get it in there.
68:12(dramatic instrumental music)
68:21Rodney, come here quick Rodney.
68:23Look at that woman, that woman.
68:27- Who? - There!
68:28- What's the matter with you?
68:32- Don't matter, Rodney, forget it.
68:33Come on, hurry up, Rodney.
68:35Let's get all of this stuff down to the garage,
68:36then I've got to go an' pick up Raquel and Damien
68:38from your place.
68:52- You alright? - Yes, yes, come on, just.
68:54- I saw the riot on TV this morning.
68:57What started it this time?
68:58- I don't know.
69:00Seems to be the slightest little thing
69:03starts it all off these days.
69:08Still, it was all nice and quiet when I left this evening.
69:14(explosion)
69:16(shouting and confusion)
69:21(dramatic instrumental music)
70:17- I thought you said it had all quietened down.
70:20We'll have to turn 'round and go back
70:22to Rodney and Cassandra's.
70:24- But we live here.
70:26- How the hell are we going to get through that lot
70:28in one piece?
70:30- Well, I'm not turning 'round
70:34(car horn blaring)
70:40- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
70:42It's Del Boy!
70:56Come through, Del.
71:06(audience laughing)
71:10- Oi, Texo!
71:12I've got that VCR that goes with your camera.
71:14- Nice one, Del.
71:15Be 'round tomorrow.
71:16- Oi, Alex, tell your sister I've got her video recorder.
71:20- Righto, Del, I'll tell her Tuesday
71:22when I go 'round for tea.
71:23- Lovely jubbly!
72:24- Oh, Del, this is Beverly.
72:27Beverly, this is my, well, this is Del.
72:32- Hi. - Er, wotchya.
72:39-[Raquel] Beverly's interested in Damien's high-chair.
72:42- How'd she find out about that?
72:44- I saw an ad in the news agents' window.
72:46I was out the other night on my own,
72:48you know, nothing to do.
72:50- Oh, yeah?
72:52- It's for my daughter's baby.
72:54- His name's Damien as well.
72:55- Oh, cushty.
72:57-[Raquel] Could you deliver it later today?
72:59- Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
73:01- Del. Beverly might not be able to afford the full amount.
73:03D'you think we could come to some arrangement with her?
73:05- Yeah, yeah, well yeah.
73:06I'll leave it up you, sweetheart.
73:08Look, I've just remembered,
73:09I've got to go out and meet someone, yeah.
73:12- Nice meeting you.
73:15- Yeah, bye.
73:19- He's not usually like that.
73:21Must be pressure of business.
73:24- Mm.
73:27- Rodney, Rodney, Rodders.
73:29I've got a problem.
73:31I've got a big problem.
73:33Do you know that woman we saw in the market the other day?
73:36- What, the one that wasn't there?
73:37- Yes, that one.
73:38She's only haunting me, Rodney.
73:39She's only bloody haunting me.
73:41- Haunting?
73:42What d'you mean haunting you?
73:43- She's haunting me.
73:44She's the one that I made a date with
73:46and then gave her the elbow.
73:48And, ever since then, she's everywhere that I look.
73:51I mean, the other night she was here in the pub.
73:54And then this morning, I was driving down the road
73:55and she was standing there by a bus stop,
73:58and then she was in the market the other day.
73:59You saw her.
74:01- No, I didn't.
74:02- Yeah, see what I mean?
74:03And today, to top it all, today I went home
74:06and she's in my flat.
74:08- What was she doing in your flat?
74:10- Oh she said that she'd come to buy Damien's high-chair.
74:12If she thinks I'm going to believe that
74:13she's got another think coming.
74:15- How'd she know it was for sale?
74:16- She said that she saw the ad
74:17that I placed in the news agents.
74:20- Oh, that is a bit far fetched, innit?
74:22- Exactly.
74:24- Oh, you crack me up, you do.
74:26Let's have a look at the facts, shall we?
74:28So, she was in this pub.
74:29Now maybe, just maybe, she was having a drink.
74:32And then you saw her in the market at lunchtime.
74:35Do you reckon she might have been shopping?
74:37- Bit of a coincidence, though that, innit?
74:40- And then you saw her waiting at a bus stop.
74:42Now, this is just a hunch, Del,
74:44but do you reckon there is an outside chance
74:45that she might have been waiting for a bus?
74:48- Well, I don't know, do I?
74:50I tell you what I do know, though.
74:51She is an ex-psychiatric patient.
74:55- So? - So,
74:58she is a jealous woman Rodney, a woman scorned.
75:01Now, jealous women are no problem
75:03to me normally, you know.
75:05I mean I can handle all that,
75:07but this one is a jealous woman
75:08who is an olive short of a pizza,
75:13and she knows where we live.
75:15We could all wake up one morning
75:16and find we was killed while we was asleep.
75:19- You're just letting your imagination run away with you.
75:22Does she seem odd in any way?
75:24- I don't know.
75:26You can judge for yourself.
75:28You've got to deliver the high chair.
75:31- Why have I got to go?
75:32- Because I've got a wife and kid.
75:34- Yeah, but I've got a wife and a thermometer.
75:43- Raquel, Raquel!
75:45Where are, Raquel!
75:49(dramatic instrumental music)
76:11(audience laughing)
76:25Oh no, oh my God!
76:28- What's happened? - Look!
76:32Albert's boiling his pants again.
76:38- What's wrong, Del?
76:40- Where's the gerbil?
76:41- In Damien's room, he's playing with it.
76:43Del, what is wrong with you?
76:46- I've got to sort this all out.
76:47I've got to sort it all out.
76:50I got to go out, darling.
76:51I've got to meet someone.
77:08Right, now you listen to what I've got to say!
77:10You leave me and my family alone.
77:13You don't frighten me!
77:14I'm not scared of you.
77:15(buzzing)
77:16- Mr. James.
77:19What's wrong with you, you moron?
77:21- Oh, just a couple of fillings.
77:22(audience laughing)
77:26Alright, Del?
77:27- Yeah, yeah, see you later, Trig.
77:33You were following me!
77:34- I've been following you? - Yes!
77:36- I thought it was the other way around.
77:38- What?
77:39- Everywhere I go I see you!
77:41I go in the pub with my daughter and son-in-law
77:43and you're there.
77:44I'm waiting for a bus and you drive by.
77:47I go and do a bit of lunchtime shopping in the market
77:50and surprise, surprise, there you are again.
77:53I even went to buy a second-hand high chair
77:55and you walked in.
77:56- I live there.
77:58- OK, I'll let you off that one.
78:00- Right.
78:01- Now, listen, I think, Mr. Trotter, our wires have become
78:05crossed somewhere along the line.
78:07- But you were in a psychiatric hospital.
78:10- Yes?
78:11- Oh no, don't try and deny it.
78:15No, a friend of mine was visiting a relative there,
78:16and he saw you.
78:18- Yes, I worked there as a receptionist.
78:23I'm a medical receptionist.
78:26It's what I do, see?
78:28- So you weren't following me?
78:31- Good god, d'you think I'm hard up?
78:34Now understand this, Mr. Trotter.
78:37If you follow me or come to my place of work
78:39and pester me again, I'm going to go to court
78:41and take out an injunction against you.
78:43- Don't you worry, darling,
78:43this is the last we'll hear of each other.
78:46- Good, oh, and by the way,
78:48I suppose I should have expected as much,
78:50but that high-chair's got a screw loose.
78:54- Well, tighten it.
79:05There we are, sweetheart, go on, then, get that down you.
79:10- That was a lovely dinner, Raquel.
79:13- Thanks, another drink, Cassandra?
79:15- Better not, I'm doing the driving.
79:18- No, no, no, no, come on, you can stay over.
79:21We've got plenty of room.
79:22We can all mix in, can't we?
79:24- Shall we?
79:25- Yeah, let's enjoy ourselves, eh?
79:27- Yes, that's it, you know it makes sense.
79:31Oh, darling, shall I put your Tubular Bells on?
79:34- No, no, not yet, Del.
79:36- Alright, alright, she loves that Tubular Bells.
79:40Hey, come on Champ.
79:41It's bedtime for you.
79:42Come along, that's it.
79:44Let's go to bed, that's it, good boy.
79:45Off we go.
79:48-[All] Goodnight.
79:50- Say goodnight. - Night.
79:52- Look, isn't that lovely?
79:53He's only 10.
79:56Here we go.
79:58Which is your room then?
80:00- So, what d'you get Del for Christmas?
80:02- I got him one of those answering machines.
80:03He's always on about.
80:05- That'll save me getting any more rollockings
80:07for forgetting messages.
80:09- Yeah, you know, this is quite a good one.
80:10How much did this cost you?
80:12- Ssh, it didn't actually cost anything.
80:14I swapped it for Damien's high-chair.
80:16- Yeah, well you know I reckon you got a good deal there.
80:20Does it work?
80:23-[Del] Oh hello, Beverly, this is Del Boy.
80:28Listen, I'm sorry, I've got to cancel our date tonight.
80:32Yeah, I'll, give you a call some other time, alright?
80:37Bonjour.
80:38(beeping)
80:40♫ Watch out, Trotter's about
80:42♫ Hey, watch out, Trotter's about
80:45♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch out now Trotter's about
80:51- Hey come on, what's the matter with you, eh?
80:53Well come on, smile.
80:58What's wrong, sweetheart?
80:59-[Raquel] Don't touch me, Trotter!
81:01Don't come near me, don't even look at me!
81:03(door slamming)
81:04-[Del] What have you said to her, Rodney?
81:06-[Rodney] Me, I haven't said anything.
81:08-[Cassandra] Don't try and blame Rodney.
81:09It's nothing to do with him.
81:10-[Albert] Don't look at me either, son.
81:12I'm keeping out of this.
81:13-[Del] Look, ah, there you are, Raquel.
81:15Are you feeling better now, darling?
81:17(glass shattering)
81:18Hey Raquel, that could have hit me.
81:19-[Raquel] It was meant to hit you.
81:21♫ Holy infant so tender and mild
81:29♫ Sleep in heavenly peace
81:37♫ Sleep in heavenly peace
81:47-[Del] Will someone tell me what have I done?
81:50What have I done?
81:56(audience laughing)
81:58♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
82:00♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
82:02♫ TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
82:05♫ Ball games, gold chains, what's-names, pictures
82:07♫ Frames and leather goods
82:08♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
82:09♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
82:11♫ Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush
82:14♫ No income tax, no VAT
82:17♫ No money back, no guarantee
82:20♫ Black or white, rich or poor
82:23♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
82:28♫ God bless Hooky Street
82:31♫ Viva Hooky Street
82:34♫ Long live Hooky Street
82:37♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
82:40♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street
82:45♫ Hooky Street
82:48♫ Hooky Street
82:51♫ Hooky Street
82:54♫ Hooky Street