Only Fools and Horses S00E14 — Fatal Extraction

Every line from “Fatal Extraction” (1822 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E14 meme — “- In the van, there's a rat!”

00:00(upbeat music)
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La-la-la, la-la-la-la
00:36♫ La-la-La, La-la-la-la
00:40♫ La-la-la, la-la-la-la
00:43-[Reporter] Colder and showers turning wintry
00:45almost everywhere by tonight.
00:49- Derek!
00:49Your breakfast has been on the table
00:51for the last 15 minutes!
00:53(audience laughing)
00:54Is that nice?
00:55- Yes, thank you.
00:57- I was talking to Damien.
01:02Next time you do the shopping,
01:04buy the ketchup in a glass bottle.
01:07And another thing Albert,
01:08will you please stop boiling your old vests
01:10and pants out on our cooker.
01:12This is almost the 21st century
01:14and we have washing machines for that sort of thing.
01:16- Look Raquel, why are you angry at me?
01:18I'm not the one who's been coming home late every night.
01:20I'm always here in the flat.
01:22- Yes, aren't you just.
01:24(audience laughing)
01:27- Good morning, Unc.
01:28Ah!
01:29- Morning.
01:30- Oh, this bloody tooth.
01:32Oh!
01:33Hello, Champ!
01:34Hey, good morning.
01:35How are you this morning?
01:36This looks really good doesn't it?
01:38- You're in trouble son.
01:39Raquel's on the warpath.
01:41- Oh, she don't frighten me, Albert.
01:43I've handled much more violent women than her.
01:46Oh!
01:47(audience laughing)
01:48Good morning, sweetheart.
01:49Any calls for me last night, was there?
01:52- I haven't a clue, I went to bed early.
01:53Why don't you get yourself an answering machine, Derek?
01:55- Answering machine, good idea darling.
01:57Yes, just what the business needs is an answer phone.
02:00Especially seeing as you're too exhausted
02:02to do it these days.
02:03I tell you what, Damien's a bit big for that chair.
02:06Look at him, he'll be starting work soon.
02:08- There's nothing wrong with a highchair.
02:10- Exactly.
02:11No, that is in very good nick.
02:13I might get a few quid for that.
02:15I'll put an ad in the local news agents.
02:18- What time did you get in last night?
02:19- Me, ooh, about quarter past 12.
02:24- It was 20 to two. - Was it?
02:27The battery's going in this watch.
02:31- So, where were you? - Hmm?
02:34I went down the Nag's Head, had a swift half,
02:36then I had to go and meet someone in the casino.
02:42- Oh, that's a relief.
02:43For a minute there I was worried
02:44you might be squandering our money.
02:46- How much did you win, son? - Shut up.
02:48- Don't be silly, Albert.
02:49Del doesn't know what winning is!
02:52Eat your breakfast, Del.
02:54- I thought you said all this fried stuff
02:56was bad for me veins?
02:57- Eat your breakfast, Del.
02:59(audience laughing)
03:01- She's not happy, son.
03:03- Well, she's a woman, isn't she?
03:06Anyway, it takes me mind off me tooth.
03:09- I don't know.
03:10What with you and poor Rodney.
03:12He's starting to look ashen-faced, isn't he?
03:15- He does look a bit cream-crackered of late.
03:18Don't worry, I'll have a word with him.
03:20I usually manage to sort out his problems.
03:22(ketchup squelching)
03:27(phone ringing)
03:32- Hello?
03:33- Cassandra, it's Raquel.
03:35- Can you talk?
03:36Rodney's not there, is he?
03:37- No, he's left for work.
03:39- I just phoned to see what did the doctor said last night.
03:41- Oh, she was ever so nice.
03:43Basically, she said not to worry.
03:44She's got three couples on her books
03:46who've been trying for babies for over a year.
03:48So, Rodney and I are almost rookies.
03:51I've got to take my temperature hourly,
03:52keep a chart and usual stuff.
03:54Oh, and she's given me some exercises
03:56that are supposed to strengthen the muscles.
03:58- Have you abandoned that schedule thing
04:00she worked out for you?
04:02I don't know how either of you keep up the pace.
04:04It sounded excessive for Mel Gibson and his wife
04:06let alone you and Rodney.
04:07- No, I've decided to continue with that.
04:09I know it hasn't worked,
04:10but Rodney's enjoyed himself trying.
04:12(audience laughing)
04:15- Alright, Rodney?
04:17- Yeah, alright, Mick.
04:18- What you been up to?
04:20You look like some vampire's been having a go at you!.
04:23- I'm fine, thank you very much.
04:25- You weren't involved in that riot
04:26on the estate the other night, were you?
04:27- No, I was not.
04:29As if I'd get involved in a riot.
04:31- You don't look well.
04:33He look's shagged out, don't he, love?
04:36-[Woman] You don't look well, dear.
04:38- There's nothing wrong with me, alright?
04:41- Raquel, you haven't mentioned
04:43this baby business to Del, have you?
04:44- Of course not!
04:46- Rodney thinks we ought to choose
04:47the right time to tell him.
04:49- I'll leave it to you.
04:50- How are things with you and Del?
04:52- Much the same.
04:54He didn't get in 'til 20 to two this morning.
04:56- Why don't you ask Rodney to find out what's happening?
04:59- Because I'm a bit frightened of what the answer might be.
05:01I think the first flush of fatherhood and domesticity
05:04has cooled and he's gone back to his old ways,
05:06down the pubs and casinos with his stupid mates.
05:08Oh, I'll have to go, someone's coming.
05:10Talk to you soon, bye.
05:13- He's dropped a load of beans on the carpet.
05:16- Well, why don't you wipe them up?
05:17- Me?
05:18No, let the old git wipe 'em up himself.
05:20(audience laughing)
05:21- Oh, Albert!
05:24- Have you spoken to Cassandra recently?
05:27- No.
05:28- Well, when you do, can you find out
05:29if there's anything wrong between her and Rodders?
05:32- Don't go interfering in their lives, Del.
05:34- He's my young brother.
05:35I've got a right to interfere.
05:37If they've got a problem, I just want to help out.
05:39- Oh, God, that is the best yet.
05:43Come on, time for your wash.
05:46(audience laughing)
05:47Not you, Albert!
05:50If you're doing this to annoy me, it's not working.
05:57- Makes you wonder whether it's all worth while,
05:58don't it, Unc? - If you say so, son.
06:05- You mucky old sod.
06:07- I picked this up at the library yesterday.
06:10- Relate?
06:11- It's the new word for marriage guidance.
06:13I didn't know if it'd be any good to you.
06:16Yeah, oh, thanks very much, Unc.
06:17Actually, it's just the sort
06:18of thing I'm looking for, this.
06:25I'm just going to go and make a private phone call.
06:52(phone ringing)
06:57- Hello? - Oh, hello Cassandra.
07:00It's Del boy.
07:01How are you, sweetheart?
07:02- Oh fine, thanks.
07:03- Oh, cushty.
07:06Look Cassandra, I don't want to interfere
07:08or anything like that, but I'm a little bit worried
07:10about young Rodders.
07:11Well, he seems to be a bit worried.
07:13He's not his old self, and I just wondered
07:15if there was anything I could do to help?
07:17- Look, if you must know, Del,
07:18Rodney and I are trying for a baby.
07:22(audience laughing)
07:30Yeah alright, I'll get off the phone then, alright.
07:34- No, not right now.
07:37Rodney's not even here.
07:39He left half an hour ago.
07:42- Blimey, he left half an hour ago,
07:43and you're still panting?
07:46- I'm in the middle of my exercises.
07:50- Oh, your exercises?
07:51I see what you mean.
07:52I thought that you, well, never mind what I thought.
07:55But look, I can't help you
07:58unless you let me know what is happening.
08:00- Oh God!
08:03- Alright? - Yeah.
08:06- Where is everyone?
08:07- Raquel's seeing to the little 'un
08:08and Del's in the kitchen making a private phone call.
08:11- Who to?
08:12- I think it's the marriage guidance people.
08:14- But him and Raquel aren't married.
08:16- I know, but they row, don't they?
08:19I'll make you a new pot of tea, son.
08:20-[Rodney] Oh, yeah, cheers.
08:22-[Del] No, you see, the thing is, you know that a man,
08:25well a man, any man can, in fact, lose his drive.
08:30(audience laughing)
08:32- Rodney hasn't lost his drive.
08:34- No, no, no, I'm not saying that is happening, no.
08:37But, what I'm saying is that,
08:38you know, a man, any man, can,
08:41well you know, lose his oomph.
08:47And naturally, you see, the woman, she becomes frustrated
08:49and disappointed, but that's not necessarily
08:52the man's fault, is it, eh?
08:58- Morning Raquel. - Oh morning.
09:00Where's Del? - He's on the phone.
09:02- Who to? - Dunno.
09:05So, how's life treating you?
09:07- How's life treating me?
09:09D'you mean besides him coming
09:09at all hours of the morning, spending every spare hour
09:12with his mates down the pub and wasting our money
09:13in that casino?
09:15- Yeah.
09:17- Well, I'll give you an example
09:18of how life's treating me, Rodney.
09:20Have you seen what's inside my wardrobe?
09:22- No.
09:24- Well, not to put too fine a point on it.
09:25The only times my clothes look fashionable
09:27is when I'm watching UK Gold.
09:29(audience laughing)
09:31Now, a short while ago, Del happened to mention
09:33that he had a contact in the rag trade.
09:36This fella could get the very latest in fashion
09:38and all the top designer labels.
09:40Christmas was approaching, and Del asked me what I'd like.
09:43"Anything you want, sweetheart, just name it."
09:46So, I said I wouldn't mind
09:47a little number by Bruce Oldfield.
09:55He got me Tubular Bells.
09:58- That's Mike Oldfield.
09:59- I know!
10:01- Yeah, now all you've got to do, sweetheart,
10:03is you just take your time
10:04right, you just take your time
10:06and you'll have a lovely healthy baby
10:08just like my Damien, nine pounds, he was you know, yeah.
10:15I remember the day that he was born.
10:18Yeah, of course, me and Raquel, you know,
10:20we haven't given up hope of doing it again sometime.
10:23- What's a baby's weight got to do with it?
10:25- No, no, no, it doesn't matter how big it is, does it?
10:28(audience laughing)
10:31- Who are you talking to? - Cassandra.
10:33(audience laughing)
10:37- Get off that phone!
10:40- Morning, Rodders!
10:41- Cassandra, why are you doing
10:42discussing our private life with him?
10:45I don't care.
10:46This'll be all over the Nag's Head by dinner time.
10:49- That's the thanks I get.
10:51- I thought you'd have been used to it by now.
11:03-[Del] They still ain't cleared
11:04this place up yet, have they? - There's not a lot of point.
11:07I've heard they're expecting another riot.
11:08They reckon anything could set it off.
11:11- I heard they're thinking of twinning this place
11:12with Jurassic Park.
11:14(laughing)
11:16Ow, oh, bloody hell.
11:18- You want to go somewhere with that tooth.
11:20- I go everywhere with it, don't I?
11:21It's stuck in me bloody head.
11:24- I meant the dentist.
11:26- Yes, yes, I will.
11:30- Can I switch the radio on?
11:32- Yeah, go on then, alright.
11:34("One Voice" by Barry Manilow)
11:42- Do you know, this is Raquel's most favorite number?
11:45- Yeah, can I switch it off?
11:49- No, leave it.
11:54Every time I hear this number, you know,
11:56it always reminds me of my Raquel.
12:01Yeah, go on, switch it off.
12:05- There you go, Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge.
12:09That'll warm you up on a cold morning.
12:10- Cheers, Sid.
12:13There's a hair in this.
12:15- Give it here.
12:18- There's another one.
12:22- Hang on.
12:24- That's disgusting that is, Sid.
12:26If the health authorities saw this they'd close you down.
12:29- I've been closed down for a lot worse than that, Denzil.
12:33I hate these politically correct people.
12:35- Yeah.
12:36- What're you having, Trig?
12:37- I'll try some of that porridge.
12:48- How are things?
12:50- Two teas, Sid.
12:51- Alright, Dave?
12:54- Yeah, alright, Trig.
12:55- Don't have the porridge, Rodney.
12:57I've just found hairs in mine.
12:59- It was only two hairs!
13:00-[Denzil] That's enough, isn't it?
13:04- Maybe there's a sporran in it.
13:07- So how's it going, Del?
13:08You got all your Christmas presents?
13:10- No, not yet.
13:11Damien wants a pet.
13:13- I didn't think the council allowed pets.
13:14- No, a little one, you know, like a rabbit
13:16or a guinea pig or something like that.
13:19- How's it going, Del?
13:20- Don't ask, Trig.
13:22- Things still the same then, eh?
13:23- Yeah, still giving me strife.
13:25- Yeah, it's a bitch, innit?
13:27- Well, that's stronging it a bit, Trig.
13:29- No, you're too soft, Del.
13:31- I've been in exactly the same boat as you have.
13:33D'you know what I done?
13:34I got shot of it.
13:36- Hey look, Trig, it's not as simple
13:38as just get shot of it.
13:39- No, Del loves, well, a strong bond exists,
13:44doesn't it Del?
13:45- That's right, we've been together a long time.
13:46- And you're just going to get more and more aggro.
13:49I know how you feel.
13:51You become attached to 'em, give 'em little pet names.
13:53I've done it, but take my advice, Del.
13:55Get down the dentists and have it out.
13:57(audience laughing)
13:59- Oh, my tooth.
14:01- It's best in the long run, Del.
14:04Try my dentist, he's good.
14:05I've been going to him for years.
14:07- Yeah, yeah, alright, I might try that, Trig.
14:10- Trig, we were talking about Del and Raquel.
14:12You still rowing?
14:14- He's never there to find out, are you?
14:15- No, she's still talking to me unfortunately.
14:21I'll never understand the workings of a woman's mind.
14:24I suppose that's why I gave up trying in the end.
14:29'Ere, who was that bird I used to go out with?
14:33- Which one?
14:34- What was her name?
14:38- What's she look like?
14:39- Redhead.
14:40- Ah, one of the redheads, Pauline?
14:43- No, no, no.
14:44- Veronique from Woolworths? - No.
14:46- Janine? - Who her?
14:48- Marion? - Who's Marion?
14:50- I don't know.
14:51You met her up at Catford Dog Track.
14:53You bought her a ring.
14:56- Oh yeah, no, not her.
14:57No, no, who am I thinking about?
14:59What was her name?
15:00Her dad was a tattooist.
15:02She had this tattoo of a heart
15:04with a dagger going through it on her thigh.
15:07- Don't ring a bell.
15:09- Well, you would have only been about two.
15:12What was her name?
15:13She worked in a betting shop down Lewisham Grove.
15:16- A betting shop down-- - Lewisham Grove.
15:19- Look, it don't matter.
15:21I went out with her for about,
15:24it must of been a month.
15:26Actually, she was going steady with another bloke
15:28at the time, but it didn't worry me.
15:30Made it more exciting.
15:32Well, she was a sporting girl, a good all-rounder
15:35you know what I mean?
15:38Well, I'd saved up me money, right,
15:40to take her on holiday.
15:41It was going to be really exotic.
15:42You know, the holiday of a lifetime.
15:45When all of a sudden, right out of the blue,
15:48for no reason, she packed me in.
15:50And yet, the night before, I'd taken her home
15:53to meet me mum and dad for the first time.
15:56(audience laughing)
16:02So, the next day I went down the betting shop,
16:05you know, to have a chat with her,
16:05take her out for lunch an' all that.
16:07And they said that she weren't there,
16:09but I knew that she was because I saw her
16:12crash helmet hanging up on the hook.
16:15So, I went and looked for her
16:16and do you know where I found her?
16:17She was hiding on the roof.
16:19She said she was sunbathing.
16:21- Well, maybe she was sunbathing.
16:23- No, it was a sloping roof.
16:26I mean, there she was, with her back against the tiles
16:29and her stilettos jammed in the gutter.
16:34She nearly fell off twice.
16:37Well, anyway, that was that.
16:40Oh, blimey, what was her name?
16:44- D'you get your money back on the holiday?
16:48- No, you know what these caravan sites
16:50are like, don't you?
17:15- Del Boy.
17:17- Oh, Rodders, what're you doing here?
17:19- Well, I had a couple of hours to kill,
17:20so I said to Cass, "I'll pop down the club and see Del."
17:23- Oh, right.
17:24'Ere Miguel, there you are look, a lager-top, please.
17:29- You're drinking a lot of scotch these days?
17:30- Yeah, well, it's the only thing
17:32that dulls the pain, innit?
17:34- Talk to her, Del.
17:36There's nothing that can't be sorted by talking it out.
17:40- I'm not talking about Raquel.
17:41I'm talking about my bloody tooth.
17:43- Well, go to the dentist.
17:44- I don't like dentists.
17:46- Well, then let it go rotten and get septicemia.
17:48- Look, shut up moanin', will you?
17:49I've come here to psyche myself up for the game
17:51and you do nothing but lecture me.
17:53God, it's like playing poker with Neil Kinnock.
17:58- Del Boy, Rodney.
18:01-[Del] Oh, how's it going, Boycie?
18:03- Life is one long uphill struggle at the moment, Derek.
18:07The second-hand car business is in its biggest slump
18:09since well, since the last one.
18:12Me and Marlene could only afford one week's holiday
18:15in Barbados this year.
18:16- Oh that's terrible, innit?
18:18Please, don't go on about it.
18:20You know how easy I cry.
18:23We'll have to hold a whip for him.
18:25- Can I count the lashes?
18:26(audience laughing)
18:28- Look, I happen to believe that everyone has the right
18:30to expect a certain standard of living.
18:33I mean, it's alright for you,
18:34coming from that council estate.
18:36I sometimes, I almost envy you.
18:39Not often, I must admit
18:41especially with all the problems you've got.
18:45- We ain't got no problems.
18:46Raquel and I are just going
18:47through a sticky patch, that's all.
18:49- When I mention problems, I was referring
18:51to that riot the other night.
18:53I hear they went through the whole estate looking
18:55for any halfway-decent car and then setting fire to it.
18:59Your three-wheeled van alright was it, Del Boy?
19:02- Yes, thank you, Boycie, they didn't lay a finger on it.
19:05- Well, that's a godsend, at least.
19:08- Only 'cause I know the leader of the rioters.
19:11Terrible though, innit, eh?
19:13The way they set fire to their own people's property
19:15when there's a very big car site just up the road.
19:19- But that's Boycie's car site, Derek.
19:21- Oh, is it Rodney?
19:22Well, let's hope that someone does not suggest that
19:24to the rioters, eh, Boycie?
19:28- Miguel, can you get my friends a drink?
19:31Same again please and put it on my account.
19:33Well, I must be off.
19:35Lots of luck, eh?
19:36- Yeah, cheers, Boycie.
19:38(laughing)
19:40- Miguel.
19:48Cor blimey.
19:53I don't know about me teeth.
19:54I think my eyes need testing.
20:00I turned 'round a bit quick just then
20:02and I thought Right Said Fred had just walked in.
20:04(laughing)
20:15- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
20:30- Aren't you gonna have a bet?
20:31- No I'm not, it's a mug's game.
20:34Hasn't it dawned on you yet
20:35that the only one who wins is the casino owner?
20:39- Sorry, what were you saying?
20:41- Yeah, alright, so you were lucky.
20:43Well, you've won now so let's go home.
20:45- Hey, now, don't talk wet, I'm on a roll.
20:47We'll play the evens.
20:49- Del, will you spare one moment's thought for Raquel?
20:53- Who d'you think I'm doing this for, Rodney?
20:54I'm doing this for her and Damien.
20:57Rodney, I couldn't say anything before
20:59because I didn't want the word to get out.
21:00It's been very delicate, but I'm tryin'
21:02to put together a big deal with Ronnie Nelson.
21:05- So, what are you doing down here
21:06at the One to One club most nights?
21:08- Because he owns it, don't he?
21:09He don't come in before one o'clock in the morning,
21:11so I've gotta hang about to have a word with him.
21:13I can't let this deal slip through me fingers, Rodney.
21:17I'll tell you what it is.
21:18650 hand-held camcorders,
21:23made in Russia.
21:26- Russian camcorders?
21:29I didn't think they went in for all
21:29that You've Been Framed cobblers.
21:32- No, no, Rodney, they're ex-military.
21:34They've got night vision on them and everything.
21:36- We are going to buy 650 Russian Army camcorders?
21:40- Yeah, with a bit of luck, 895 quid.
21:45- You're gonna pay 895 pound for a camera?
21:48- No, no, no, no, 895 five quid for the lot.
21:53- Well, they sound very classy.
21:56- State-of-the-art.
21:57-[Croupier] 30 red.
22:00- Aren't you gonna have a bet?
22:02- No, look, try an' look at it
22:05from Raquel's point of view, Del.
22:06She's in that flat night after night
22:09with Horatio and his tales of the sea
22:11and you're down here drinking and gambling.
22:14- I know, and does she appreciate it?
22:16- No!
22:17- No, she does not.
22:20Honestly, she thinks I'm out every night enjoying myself.
22:24Excuse me darling, same again, please?
22:28That's the trouble with women, Rodney.
22:30They change and they expect you to change with 'em.
22:33She wanted me to become a pipe and slippers man,
22:35you know, having a cup of tea and a biscuit
22:36and watching Family Fortunes.
22:39Well, stuff that for a game of toy soldiers.
22:42Don't get me wrong.
22:43I'm not adverse to a cup of Darjeeling
22:45and an 'obnob, but there is a time and a place
22:47for everything.
22:50I live life on the tightrope, and I enjoy the company
22:53of me mates and I don't see why I should change
22:55just 'cause I've met Raquel.
22:57- And who are your mates, Del?
22:59Boycie, the Freemason, a total snob who thinks
23:02anyone who's got a pound less than him is a peasant.
23:05Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it.
23:09And then we have Trigger, a road sweeper
23:11who gives pet names to his teeth.
23:15- They're still me mates.
23:18I'm not like you, Rodders.
23:20Del Boy is not for turning.
23:22- What's that supposed to mean?
23:24Marriage hasn't changed me.
23:26- Oh it has, Rodney.
23:27I've seen you and that Cassandra.
23:29She's into this conservation malarkey,
23:31and so is Rodney as well.
23:33- I have not changed, Del.
23:35When I make my mind up about something,
23:36nothing can alter it. - 140 pieces sir, thank you.
23:39- We'll stick with evens, shall we?
23:43- I'm gonna go and get some chips.
23:44(audience laughing)
23:57Come on, red, reds, reds!
24:01- Excuse me, Del, I'm afraid Ronnie won't be in now.
24:03I'll leave a message for him.
24:05- Yeah, alright, thanks.
24:14Come on, Rodney, let's go home.
24:16- No, hang on, the ball ain't landed yet.
24:20-[Croupier] 17, black.
24:22- Shit!
24:23- Oi, how much d'you lose?
24:26- 50.
24:29- You plonker.
24:32-[Rodney] I wouldn't have gambled at all
24:33if you hadn't encouraged me.
24:35- Oi, oi, oi, don't blame me.
24:38What d'you come here for anyway
24:39if you didn't want a flutter?
24:40- Oh, I'll tell you why, shall I?
24:42Cassandra suggested I come down here.
24:44- Oh, yeah, why?
24:45- So as we can get you home at a decent hour.
24:48We are trying to save your relationship with Raquel.
24:51You've been falling in half past one
24:52and two o'clock in the morning.
24:54And it is not on Del!
24:58(audience laughing)
25:01- It's eight o'clock in the morning.
25:04This is all your fault, Dopey!
25:06- Me?
25:07- Yes, you, you, you kept me talking in there.
25:09- Oh yeah?
25:10And who was it doing all the gambling?
25:11- Well, you were doing your fair share.
25:13Cor blimey, I could have been home hours ago
25:14if it weren't for you.
25:15You've really dropped me in it this time, Rodney.
25:19Look, we've got to be down the market in half an hour.
25:22Alright, listen, I know what you're thinking.
25:23I know what you're thinking, because I can read your minds.
25:26You're thinking, what do I want
25:27with all this skiing equipment?
25:28There ain't no mountains in Peckham.
25:31Absolutely true.
25:31Now, in a few months time, you yourself may decide
25:34to take an alpine holiday.
25:36Now, due to my unique style of bulk-buying,
25:41you can go togged out in the latest up-to-the-minute fashion
25:45at bargain basement prices.
25:47Now I'm going to show you how stylish this gear is
25:50because it is being modeled now
25:51by my younger brother, Rodney.
25:54(audience laughing)
25:58Now, the jacket is padded in pure fiberglass
26:02and quilted in natural nylon.
26:06Now this jacket alone would set you back
26:08about a 120 quid at Lillywhites,
26:10but this can be yours for a mere 35 pounds
26:14and it comes in all sizes.
26:16Now all this equipment here is manufactured
26:19by the one country that leads the world
26:21in alpine clothing, namely Fiji.
26:24(audience laughing)
26:27Just a moment please.
26:27(phone ringing)
26:28This is probably the Austrian Olympic squad
26:31wanting to increase their order.
26:33Hello, Trotters Independent Traders, PLC,
26:36Arctic clothing department.
26:38- Alright, Dave?
26:41- Rodney, it's Cassandra!
26:47- Cass, I told you never to phone me at work.
26:51What, what now?
26:56Cass, I can't, I'm in the middle.
27:00Yes, alright.
27:05Del, I got to shoot off.
27:06Cassie needs me at home.
27:07- What for?
27:10- Well, it's probably the right time.
27:12- Oh, come on, Rodney, she'll keep 'till this evening.
27:15- No, it's, well, you know.
27:20She's most probably at the right temperature.
27:24- Stone me, Rodney.
27:25What are you two trying for, a baby or a barbecue?
27:31Go on, go on, hurry up.
27:33'Ere, don't you want to change your.
27:37Oh, look at that.
27:41- Cass, I'm home.
27:43-[Cassandra] I'm in here, Roddy.
27:44- Alright, won't be a minute.
27:48(audience laughing)
28:00- Sorry about that, Raquel, I was, I was hot.
28:05What you doing here?
28:07- She's left Del.
28:08- Left him, why?
28:10- D'you know what time in he got in this morning?
28:13- No. - Quarter past eight.
28:19- Geddaway!
28:20- He just changed into his working clothes
28:21and went straight down the market.
28:23He didn't even stop for a cup of tea.
28:25Well, that was the last straw.
28:26He's not treating me like that anymore.
28:28- Look, you've got to try an' look at it
28:29from his point of view, Raquel.
28:31There are extenuating circumstances.
28:34-[Raquel] Like what?
28:36- Well, he's having a lot of trouble with his teeth.
28:38- That's no excuse.
28:40- No, I know, but he is in pain.
28:41- So am I, Rodney, so am I.
28:44- Well, where're you gonna go?
28:46- I said they could stay here.
28:47- Here, but this is a one-bedroom flat.
28:50- This is a sofa bed.
28:52- I won't be here for long,
28:53a couple of nights, that's all.
28:54Is that OK with you?
28:57- Yeah, yeah, of course.
28:59- Good, I'll make us a cup of something.
29:03- I'll help.
29:26- Here we go, gentlemen.
29:29Drinks, is that right, Del, just a lemonade for you?
29:32- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
29:33I'm going down to visit Trig's dentist this afternoon.
29:36I don't want to smell of booze.
29:38- So, how's things on the home front?
29:39You and Raquel still at pistols drawn, are you?
29:41- Yeah, still involved in the cold war,
29:44but I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it.
29:47Oh, give her time, she'll learn.
29:49- That's exactly the attitude I took with my Corrine.
29:52Even when she left me, I refused to change
29:57seven years ago, but I haven't changed.
29:59- Yeah, but there is a difference though,
30:00ain't there Denzil?
30:01I mean, you know, Raquel would never leave me
30:04because it's the real deep love thing.
30:07- Women are a mystery, though, ain't they?
30:10- What, here's a mystery for you.
30:12Answer me this.
30:13Why is it that women always want to know
30:16what time you got in?
30:17Right, they say to you, "What time d'you get in last night?"
30:19And you say, "Oh I don't know, about quarter past 12."
30:21And they say, "No you didn't, it was 20 to two."
30:25And I think to myself, "Well, why bloody ask?"
30:27- Yeah, he's right, he's right.
30:29Why ask?
30:30It's like saying to you, "What's that on the telly,
30:32"Coronation Street or Eastenders?"
30:34And you say, "It's Eastenders,"
30:35and they say, "No it ain't, it's Coronation Street."
30:38I mean, why ask?
30:39- Yeah, why ask?
30:40- Beats me.
30:41- You know, I came home one night
30:42and my missus said, "Yeah, where are you living now?"
30:45And I said, "Here," and she said, "No you ain't,"
30:47and threw me suitcase at me.
30:50-[All] Why ask?
30:52- Why ask?
30:58Well, I mean that's women for you, innit?
30:59I mean, they're a different breed.
31:01Take my Marlene, she's always moaning on and on
31:04about how I don't respect her.
31:06I mean, me, don't respect my own wife?
31:10Daft old mare.
31:12Oh, you know I love her, don't get me wrong,
31:14but sometimes I think getting married was
31:16the worst mistake I ever made in my life.
31:19I sometimes think back to when we first met
31:21in Lewisham Grove.
31:24I wish I'd never ever walked into that betting shop now.
31:27(audience laughing)
31:35- Oh, so that's who you-- - Trigger!
31:40- I've just remembered something very important
31:41I meant to tell you.
31:42- What's that? - It's gone now.
31:44- Oh, that's alright Denzil, that happens
31:45to me all the time.
31:49See, I was just gonna say something important to Del,
31:51and it's gone now.
31:55So how'd it turn out then, Mike?
31:57- Eh?
32:00- Coronation Street or Eastenders?
32:04- As long as it weren't El Dorado,
32:06we can all sleep easy, eh?
32:10- Alright, Unc?
32:11Any messages for me?
32:13- That bloke phoned about the video cameras.
32:16And someone come 'round moaning about a pair of ski pants.
32:20Oh, and Raquel's left you.
32:27- I don't believe it Rodney, I just don't believe it.
32:29I have never, never had a woman walk out on me like that.
32:33- Yes, you have. - Who?
32:35- All of 'em.
32:37- Yeah, but they didn't have my child with them, did they?
32:42- Look, Del, I feel a bit embarrassed
32:45about Raquel staying at the flat, and that.
32:47But what could I do?
32:48I couldn't refuse, could I?
32:50- No, of course not, bruv.
32:52No, you couldn't see them turned out
32:53on the street, could you?
32:55No, you look after 'em.
32:56I'll see you alright for some money.
32:58- Oh, don't be silly.
32:59- No, no, no, come on, straight up.
33:00I appreciate what you are doing.
33:02- Look Del, I reckon all it would take is one phone call
33:05and you two'd be back together in no time.
33:08It'll just take one word, sorry.
33:17- No, I think you're right, Rodney.
33:19Alright, get her to phone me and apologize.
33:21(audience laughing)
33:23- I was talking about you.
33:25- Me, what have I done?
33:26- Raquel hardly ever sees you.
33:29You treat that flat like a lodging house.
33:31She told me you walked into the bedroom one night
33:33and Damien screamed, thought you was an intruder.
33:36- That is rubbish, that is.
33:38Look, I've been under a lot of stress lately,
33:40what with business deals and all that.
33:43- Well, I explained to her.
33:44I said, "Del's been under a lot of pressure,
33:46"what with business and his teeth going manky."
33:49- Exactly, what with, my teeth are not going manky!
33:52They just need looking at, that's all!
33:53- Well, get in there and have 'em looked at then!
33:56- I don't like dentists.
33:58- It's like the Milky Bar Kid.
34:00- I'll tell you what we'll do, right?
34:01Look, we'll go down to Ronnie Nelson's
34:04and pick up the cameras, then we'll come back here
34:06and I'll go to the dentist.
34:07- No, you go to the dentist now,
34:10and then we'll pick the cameras up.
34:13Oh go on, get in there.
34:19- Are you coming with me?
34:25- No, I'm gonna have a kip in the van.
34:28- Hey, oi, Rodney, I'm going get you.
34:38- Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.
34:39Mrs. Patel just rang to cancel her four o'clock appointment.
34:43- Thank you Beverly.
34:44(yelling)
34:45That's the one.
34:47- Well, I know that!
34:49- Help yourself to the.
34:55(audience laughing)
35:05D'you have regular dental checks, Mr. Trotter?
35:07- Oh yes, doctor.
35:08You can't be too careful where the old choppers
35:10are concerned, can you?
35:12- And who was the last dentist you saw?
35:14- The last one, that would be Mr. Owens.
35:17Had a surgery down at Ghandi Avenue.
35:18- Mr. Owens?
35:21He died on the night of the Queen's Silver Jubilee, 1977.
35:25- I know, it was tragic, weren't it?
35:28- So you have a regular checkup every 16 years?
35:33- I think it's better in the long run, don't you?
35:35- Yeah, yeah, I'm afraid this tooth of yours
35:39is beyond repair Mr. Trotter.
35:40It'll have to come out.
35:42- Oh, it's got to come out?
35:43Well, I'll make an appointment to see you next week.
35:45- No, no, I'll do it now.
35:46- Now?
35:47- Don't worry, you won't feel a thing.
35:51This'll just make one side of your face a bit numb.
35:55- Ah you see, but the thing is, you know,
35:56I'm in a bit of a hurry, see.
35:58-[Dentist] It'll only take five minutes.
36:00- But, my brother's out there in the van.
36:02- Just a little prick.
36:04- Oh, do you know him then, do you?
36:05(audience laughing)
36:19(moaning)
36:23- There we are.
36:26Now, if you'd like to sit in the waiting room for a while,
36:29just leave the anesthetic time to work,
36:30I'll call you in five minutes.
36:33- Thank you, doctor.
36:38(buzzing)
36:39- Mrs. Marshall, you can go through now.
36:50- I've just got to wait for this jollop to work.
36:52- It doesn't take too long.
36:54Perhaps we could complete this form while you're waiting?
36:58It's just for new patients.
37:00I've got most of your details.
37:02Now then, let me see, next of kin?
37:07- Next of kin?
37:08Blimey, I'm only having me tooth out.
37:11- Oh, it's just Local Health Authority procedure.
37:15- I haven't got no next of kin.
37:17- What, no one?
37:19- Well, there's me brother.
37:21- Have you got any dependents?
37:22- Yeah, my brother.
37:28(audience laughing)
37:45Yeah, I've got a son.
37:46-[Beverly] Ah, that's better.
37:49- It's Damien, Damien Derek Trotter.
37:52- Oh, my daughter's got a little boy called that.
37:55- What, Damien Derek Trotter?
37:57- No, just Damien.
38:01- You're having me on.
38:02You've got a grandson? - Yeah.
38:04- Never, must have had your daughter very, very young.
38:09I'd have put you down as, well, you know, late 20s.
38:13- Oh, get off.
38:15- No honest, straight up.
38:19Is he your husband, is he now?
38:21- Mr. Ellis? - Yeah.
38:23- No, I just work here.
38:24- Oh, I see, you know, I thought it might be, you know,
38:26like a family business, something like that.
38:28- No, I'm divorced.
38:32Yeah, we broke up about, well, nine years ago.
38:34- Oh, really, 'cause my partner,
38:39she, you know, she left me.
38:41- Oh I'm sorry.
38:44You know, people say time's a great healer,
38:47but I'm not so sure.
38:49Even now, I sometimes think about those days
38:52and, well, it still hurts, you know?
38:55- Yes, I know the feeling.
38:57I still get these little pangs.
38:59- When did your relationship break up?
39:01- This morning.
39:04- This morning?
39:06- Yeah, perhaps you and me ought to go out
39:08with each other and, you know,
39:09cry on each other's shoulders.
39:12- Del, there is a rat in the van.
39:15- You what?
39:16- In the van, there's a rat!
39:18- A rat?
39:19- In the van!
39:20- What are you on about?
39:22- I'm trying to inform you that there is a rat
39:25in the van.
39:26- It's not a rat!
39:29It's a gerbil.
39:32- Alright, so there's a gerbil in the van.
39:35- I know, I got it for Christmas.
39:37- For Christmas?
39:42For Damien?
39:44- Yes, it's one of his presents, Gerry the Gerbil.
39:48I had it in a cage in the back of the van.
39:50The door must have come open or something, I don't know.
39:53Go and put it back in the cage.
39:56- Eh?
39:58- Go and put the gerbil back in the cage.
40:10Dependents. (laughing)
40:13No, my boy, he wanted a pet for Christmas,
40:16so I got him Gerry the Gerbil.
40:20So, what about it, Beverly?
40:21- Sorry?
40:22- You know, you and me having a date.
40:26- Oh, it's very nice of you but well you see,
40:30the thing is your relationship's only just broken up.
40:33In a couple of days' time,
40:34you could both be back together again.
40:36- No, no, I won't.
40:37No, it's finished, kaput.
40:39There's no going back.
40:40I'm a free agent.
40:42I can go where I want, and with whom I want.
40:44- Okay then.
40:48- Lovely jubbly!
40:50You know it makes sense.
40:53Well, what about I see you this evening then,
40:55about eight o'clock?
40:58Take you out for a slap-up meal,
40:59you know, steak, onion rings.
41:04- Oh fine.
41:07That's where I live, and that's the telephone number
41:10in case anything goes wrong.
41:13- She y'sheeving. - What?
41:16- Oh, sorry, der anshe'ic's beginnin' to work.
41:21- He'll be with you in a minute.
41:23- Oh alright.
41:29I'll just, er, shit here.
41:31(audience laughing)
41:50- Are they the Russian cameras Del was telling me about?
41:53- No, this is a pair of Chelsea boots
41:54with an elasticated gusset.
41:57Of course it's the Russian camera.
41:59- Alright then.
42:00- How's your mouth Del?
42:01- Oh, can't feel a thing.
42:03Brilliant dentist.
42:04- These camcorders are bigger than I imagined.
42:07- Yeah, they are a bit on the wide side, aren't they, eh?
42:10- You said they was hand-held?
42:11- Well, you're holding 'em in your hands, aren't you?
42:13- Only just!
42:15How are you supposed to carry one
42:16of these 'round Euro Disney on your shoulder?
42:18You'll do your back in.
42:19- Well, that's good for you Rodney,
42:20good for your strength, you see.
42:22Build your strength up won't it, eh?
42:23Save you a fortune on all them weights
42:24and rowing machines and all that sort of stuff.
42:27I wonder what that writing says on the side there.
42:30- Reject, most probably.
42:31(audience laughing)
42:33- These are not rejects Rodney.
42:35These are top of the range, these are.
42:36Look at them.
42:37Look, look how solid they are.
42:39No bits of plastic to break off.
42:41The cassette, look at that, is inside the camera.
42:44Don't muck about with them soppy little things.
42:47No, this was designed for tank warfare, this you know.
42:51Yes, look at that.
42:52I can just see 'em now, alright number one,
42:54fire a shot across his bow.
42:57- Del. - Yeah?
42:58- They don't fit the machine.
43:02- Yeah, I know that.
43:04I know they are a different size,
43:05but it's no problem 'cause Ronnie Nelson,
43:07he's got a consignment of Russian VCRs
43:10coming over next Tuesday from Volgograd.
43:15- So, if we actually do find
43:16a mercenary who wants to tape his next tank battle
43:19to show the wife and kids, he's gotta buy
43:21a Russian VCR of us an' all?
43:23I can't see 'em queuing for this one, Del.
43:25- 95 quid the set, can't be bad, can it, eh?
43:28Think about it, Rodney, you'll make your money
43:30on this and more.
43:32All you gotta do is fall on your arse
43:33and old Jeremy Beadle will give you a grand.
43:37- You going out, Del?
43:38- Yes, yes, I'm going out, I got a date.
43:40- A date? - Uh-huh.
43:42- What d'you mean you've got a date?
43:44- I've got a date.
43:45I met this woman down at the dentists.
43:47I'm taking her out for dinner.
43:49- I don't believe I'm hearing this.
43:51- Well, you've surprised me, Del.
43:53Raquel and your baby are only just around the corner
43:56and you're going out with some young bird.
43:58- She is not a young bird.
44:00She happens to be a grandmother.
44:02- A grandmother?
44:05Well, perhaps she can bring her sister along for him.
44:10- She is a very young grandmother.
44:14Sister along.
44:17Don't look at me like that, Rodney.
44:19Raquel was the one that walked out on me.
44:28You don't know what it's like.
44:30I'm not an island, Rodney.
44:33A man gets lonely.
44:36- Raquel only left this morning.
44:37(audience laughing)
44:39- Del, she's left you for longer periods
44:41when she's been out shopping.
44:43- Yeah, I know, but it's horrible in here now.
44:45- You've got Albert.
44:46- That's what I mean.
44:49- Could you honestly cheat on Raquel?
44:50Two-time the mother of your baby?
44:53- Oh, bonnet de douche!
44:55I'm only taking her out to a Berni Inn.
44:57- Yeah, but that can lead to other things, can't it?
45:00- Yeah, like next week I'll take her to a Spudulike.
45:03- You know what I mean.
45:06Did you know that Raquel was crying this afternoon?
45:12- Crying?
45:12- Yeah, sat on our sofa crying her eyes out because of you.
45:18- Poor cow.
45:21- That's what I thought.
45:23Well, I'll see you later.
45:24Do enjoy your steak, Derek.
45:26- Rodney, Rodney, alright.
45:27Alright, alright, now you've made your point.
45:32I was only tryin' to see, you know,
45:35if I could still pull.
45:37I'll call her and break off the date.
45:40- Good, and while you've got the phone in your hand,
45:42give Raquel a call and ask her to come home.
45:44- No way, Pedro.
45:47If she wants to come back to this flat,
45:49she's got to call me.
45:50- Oh, you kill me, Derek.
45:52I'll see you tomorrow.
45:55- You're doing the right thing, Del.
45:57It was a bad move.
45:59- Yeah, I expect you're right.
46:02Pity, really, she fancied one of these cameras an' all.
46:10(phone ringing)
46:15-[Beverly] Hi, this is Beverly.
46:16I can't come to the phone right now,
46:18but if you'd like to leave a message after the tone,
46:20I'll get back to you.
46:22(beeping)
46:24- Ah yeah, hello Beverly.
46:26This is Del Boy.
46:30The thing is, I can't make our date tonight.
46:34You know, I'm sorry.
46:35I'll give you a call another time, alright?
46:38Yeah, bonjour.
46:43- I'll pour us a drink, Del.
46:44- Yeah, I wish I had a dog or a cat.
46:47- You've got that gerbil.
46:48- Yeah, but I feel like kicking something up the arse.
46:56- He was doing what?
46:57- Shh, Raquel's in there.
46:59- He was going out with another woman?
47:01- He was threatening to.
47:03He was all dressed up.
47:05He looked like a heartthrob out of Crossroads.
47:08- D'you think he's going through a mid-life crisis?
47:10You know, dressing up, trying to attract young girls.
47:12- No, if that was the case then Del's male menopause
47:15started when he was 14.
47:17Anyway, she's not a young girl.
47:19She's a grandmother.
47:21- A grandmother?
47:22- Shh, he met her at the dentist's.
47:26I don't think much would have happened
47:27on their date anyway.
47:28They'd have most probably sat
47:29in a Berni Inn counting her teeth.
47:32- Why doesn't he just phone Raquel?
47:33They're obviously both missing each other.
47:35- Well, it's his pride, isn't it?
47:37He's the man who must be seen to be the man.
47:40He's never had a very modern attitude towards women
47:42and relationships.
47:44When he was younger, Del's idea of safe sex
47:46was not telling the girl where he lived.
47:48(audience laughing)
47:50S'funny, but, in them days, Del used to be my hero.
47:54- Del?
47:55You're joking.
47:57- No, I could tell you things about Del Boy
47:58that would amaze you.
48:00- Go on then, amaze me.
48:03- Well there's.
48:05Yeah, there's the time he took his O Levels.
48:07I was only a little sprog,
48:08but I still remember the night he brought his results home.
48:11He'd got eight A's.
48:13- Eight A's, Del?
48:16- Yeah, A for English, A for maths.
48:17The list just went on.
48:19- Wait a minute, they were someone else's results
48:20weren't they?
48:21- No, no, they were Del's results.
48:24I remember me Mum and Dad was all excited.
48:26We had a big family celebration, aunties, uncles, the lot.
48:30Del was tossing up where to go, you know,
48:32Oxford or Cambridge.
48:34He phoned up both universities, made a few inquiries,
48:38what the pubs are like, that sort of thing.
48:40- I can't imagine Del getting eight A's.
48:43- No, he surprised everyone.
48:45Then, a couple of days later, we got a letter
48:47from the school.
48:49Turned out the A's all stood for absent.
48:53(laughing)
48:54- He hadn't turned up for any of the exams?
48:55- No, not one.
48:57He'd been down the market flogging some hooky Tom Jones LPs.
49:02Mind you, you wouldn't have laughed
49:03if you'd been there at the time.
49:04My dad went potty.
49:07He was shouting at Del, calling him names.
49:09Del was ducking round the room tryin' to escape.
49:14Then it all turned violent.
49:17He'd been out drinking you see.
49:20He took his belt off, he started whacking him,
49:23punching and everything.
49:25That's what he was like.
49:27Me mum was screaming, "Don't hit him, don't hit him!"
49:30And I was crying.
49:32- God, poor Rodney.
49:36Was he hurt?
49:38- Not too bad, he was in hospital for a couple of days.
49:42Me mum took me up to visit him.
49:44- And what happened to your father?
49:47- I'm talking about me father.
49:49- Oh, I thought you meant Del!
49:52- Oh no, he was alright.
49:55He was a dirty little fighter.
49:56He used to go in low and grabbing.
49:59I've seen him in so many fights over the years.
50:02I've heard sounds that only a White Hunter
50:03could make sense of.
50:06I suppose that's why he was my hero
50:09'cause from that day onwards, me dad never whacked me again.
50:12He was too frightened of what Del would do to him
50:14if he found out.
50:17So, that's how my life went on.
50:19As long as Del was around, no one could do me any harm.
50:23Of course, he made up for that in later life, but.
50:36Is it time again?
50:38- Mm, how you feeling?
50:44- Well, you know, I'll give it a go.
50:49Oh that's nice.
50:52Now, don't bite me, you know how easily I bruise.
51:02- Rodney? - Mm?
51:10(yelling)
51:11- It's alright, he's just wandered in.
51:16- Wandered in?
51:18Cassandra, I locked the bedroom door.
51:28- Alright if I come in?
51:30- I didn't lock the door.
51:32- Rodney. - There you are.
51:34Mummy's been looking everywhere for you.
51:36Sorry about this.
51:37- It's alright. - I don't know.
51:39He sleeps all day and only comes alive at night.
51:42(audience laughing)
51:44Say, night to Uncle Rodney and Auntie Cassandra.
51:47- Night.
51:49- Night. - Night, Damien.
51:54- What d'you think then?
51:56- Leave it to tomorrow, shall we?
51:57- Yeah.
52:03- Look, it's for an endangered species.
52:05Do you realize what's happening to.
52:08Listen, Del's been hitting the sauce a bit heavy lately.
52:12Just keep an eye on him, would you?
52:13- Yeah, I understand.
52:14Leave it to me, Rodney. - Cheers.
52:15Look, all I'm asking for is 50 pence.
52:18- What happens when you save all these whales?
52:20They'll start breeding won't they?
52:22- Well, I wouldn't be surprised.
52:24- I don't know how anyone could fancy a whale.
52:29- No, I don't.
52:30Big ugly things, ain't they?
52:31- No, look, you don't have to breed with them.
52:33They can sort that sort of thing out themselves.
52:35- I know a lot more about the sea than you do Rodney.
52:38- Oh God, here we go.
52:39- You'd be surprised how quickly these whales breed.
52:42- Three.
52:43- And there not all as gentle as some people imagine.
52:46- Two.
52:47- You get a quite a lot of 'em together
52:48and they can be quite dangerous.
52:49- One.
52:51- During the war-- - We have lift off.
52:54- I was in a submarine up in the Bering Sea
52:56and we got attacked by a whale.
52:58- It was most probably trying to protect its young, Albert.
53:01- No it wasn't, it fancied us.
53:04- A whale got the hots for your submarine?
53:06- Yeah, it was horrible.
53:08We were shaking all over the place.
53:11- It's like your worst nightmare, ain't it Dave?
53:14- No, my worst nightmare is sitting in the pub having
53:15a conversation with you two.
53:18- Mm.
53:19(audience laughing)
53:23- It went on for about half hour.
53:25The skipper told us to hang on for dear life
53:27and don't do anything to annoy it.
53:30He put the periscope up at one point.
53:32- Up where?
53:35- He looked through the viewfinder
53:36and went as white as a sheet.
53:38God knows what he saw,
53:40but that man never ate halibut again.
53:47- So what d'you do when it was over?
53:49All lie back and have a cigarette?
53:52- Don't take the mickey out of me, Rodney.
53:54Have you ever tried to lay a underwater telephone line
53:57during the mating season?
53:58- No, no, I haven't.
54:00- Well, my advice to you, son, is don't ever attempt it.
54:04- You want to listen to him, Dave.
54:05He knows what he's talking about.
54:08- Alright, Rodders?
54:09- I never thought I'd hear myself say this,
54:10but here comes a man with some intelligence.
54:13'Ere listen, are you going to give
54:14a couple of bob for charity?
54:15- Yeah, you know me, I'd do anything for a good cause.
54:18What's this?
54:19- He's tryin' to save whales.
54:20- Oh, no, no, no, no, they don't get nothing,
54:23not after the way they beat us at rugby last year.
54:28- Yeah, fair enough.
54:30- So, how's Cassandra?
54:32She pregnant yet?
54:33- No, ain't likely to be either with that little git
54:35standing at the bottom of the bed.
54:36- What little git's that?
54:39- Oh, it's, yeah, it's Cassandra.
54:42She's got this big teddy bear.
54:43She's had it since she was a kid, you know,
54:45and it sort of sits there at the bottom
54:46of the bed and puts me off. - Silly mare.
54:49How would she like it if you had your Meccano set
54:51at the bottom of the bed, eh?
54:53- Yeah, alright, well, don't go on about it.
54:54It's personal.
54:55It's something that you.
55:03- See you later, Trig.
55:06Alright, how's Damien and Raquel?
55:08- Alright, she's taking Damien up London tomorrow
55:10to show him the sights.
55:12Apparently his daddy's always been a bit too busy
55:14to do it himself.
55:15- Yes, he is too busy.
55:17He's too busy out there earning the poppy
55:18to pay for the grub and the underfloor heating.
55:22Still crying, is she?
55:23- Yes, all through yesterday afternoon,
55:26and then all through tea time.
55:30- Is it getting on your nerves?
55:32- I'll tell you what's getting on my nerves, shall I?
55:33You are missing Raquel and Damien
55:35and Raquel and Damien are missing you,
55:37but nobody it seems, nobody has the intelligence
55:40to sort out the problem.
55:42- I told you, all she's got to do is phone me.
55:44- But she doesn't know how you feel.
55:47She thinks you want a life of shanting it up
55:49with your mates and going to casinos.
55:51She doesn't realize that it was just a phase
55:53while you were putting a deal together
55:54because you never told her.
55:56- Yeah, well I had to play it close to me chest didn't I?
55:58I didn't want word slipping out.
55:59- But she don't know that.
56:01- Yeah, well that, you know, and what with my tooth.
56:03- Now you've had that out.
56:05Del, phone her and tell her.
56:08- What, that I've had me tooth out?
56:09- No, phone her and tell her that you.
56:12Oh, tell her what you bloody like, just phone her.
56:15- Alright, alright Rodney.
56:16I'll give her a bell.
56:18- There you are, Del, a large scotch, on the house.
56:21- Oh, cheers.
56:22- Mike, what are you doing?
56:23Don't go giving him large scotches on the house!
56:25- Oh, I'm sorry, Rodney, I forgot.
56:28Del, that's 1.85, son.
56:33- I didn't even ask for it.
56:38Oh, hello, hello, sweetheart, listen, don't say a word.
56:40Just don't say anything.
56:41Just, just listen to me while I'm in the mood.
56:45Right, now I'm missing you darling
56:47and I want you to come home.
56:50Now, I know that I haven't been very fair to you,
56:52in the past but look I can explain it
56:56if you'll just give me the chance.
56:58I love you and that will never change.
57:02Things will be different in the future.
57:05So what d'you say, alright?
57:11Oh, sorry Cassandra, yeah, I wanna speak to Raquel.
57:17She's in the where?
57:19Oh alright, I'll hang on.
57:25-[Boycie] Del Boy?
57:26- Oh hello, Boycie.
57:40-[Boycie] Who was that woman?
57:42- Hmm, what woman?
57:44I didn't see no woman.
57:46- That one that just smiled at you.
57:48- I didn't see anybody smile at me.
57:48No one's smiled at me all evening.
57:50- Where do I know her face from?
57:52Oh yeah, I remember, Bronco, Marlene's brother.
57:55He was in hospital last year
57:56and we went up to see him.
57:57That's where I saw her.
57:58- Oh that's cleared that mystery up then.
58:00Wait a minute. Bronco?
58:02Wasn't he in a psychiatric hospital?
58:04- Yeah.
58:07- Thanks.
58:09Hello.
58:15- Hello, hello, Raquel.
58:19How are you? - Fine, you?
58:22- Yeah, lovely, I'm missing you, darling.
58:27- I'm missing you as well, you rotten sod.
58:29- Come on then, why don't you come home, eh?
58:32- It's not as simple as that.
58:33- Sweetheart, don't take too much notice of me
58:35in the last month.
58:36It's just been a one-off, that's all.
58:39- What about the month before that?
58:40- Yeah, well that was a one- off an' all.
58:42- Well, I didn't like your attitude.
58:44You were willing to gamble with our house-keeping money,
58:46with our future in some grotty little South London casino.
58:50- Look sweetheart, that's all in the past, I tell you.
58:52Look, no more casinos, no more pubs.
58:55- Same again, Del?
58:56- Yeah, alright Trig, thanks.
58:59Yeah, just a, you know, a lemonade and a lime.
59:04- Listen to me, stupid, I don't mind you going down
59:07the Nag's Head so long as it's not every night.
59:09And when you do go down there,
59:10I wouldn't mind going as well.
59:12- Yeah, well, that's my thoughts entirely, sweetheart.
59:14Exactly.
59:15We'll just go down, we'll go down at weekends,
59:17you know, just to be sociable.
59:18Listen, I tell you what sweetheart,
59:20if you're going to go out shopping,
59:21you get me a pair of those checkered slippers
59:23and a 100-weight of 'obnobs.
59:26I'm a changed man.
59:27I am, I'll even take little Damien out,
59:29you know, no excuses.
59:32So what do you reckon, sweetheart,
59:34can I come and pick you up?
59:35- Not right now, Damien's fast asleep.
59:38- Alright, what about first thing in the morning?
59:40- I promised to take him up London, Madame Tussaud's.
59:42Unless you'd like to come with us?
59:44- Oh no, no I can't tomorrow, darling.
59:45I'm going to pick up all them Russian VCRs.
59:49Look, I'll pick you up tomorrow night, yeah?
59:51- Alright then.
59:52- Alright, Raquel say the magic words.
59:56- Don't be silly.
59:58- Go on, go on Raquel, say the magic words.
60:04- I love you, Trotter.
60:06- Yes!
60:09Alright, darling, I'll pick you up tomorrow, alright?
60:11Ta ta.
60:15That is it, Del Boy, you're now a changed man.
60:19This is the first day of the rest of your life.
60:23Michael, a bottle of your finest champagne, please.
60:26(audience laughing)
60:33(crashing)
60:34(cats screaming and dogs barking)
60:37Shh, shh, shh, shh.
60:57♫ Just one voice, singing in the darkness
61:07♫ All it takes is one voice
61:13♫ Singing so they hear what's on your mind
61:16♫ And when you look around you'll find
61:19♫ There's more than one voice
61:25♫ Singing in the darkness
61:31♫ Joining with your one voice
61:35(audience laughing)
61:37♫ Each and every note another octave
61:40♫ Hands are joined and fears unlocked
61:42- What's going on down there?
61:43♫ If only one voice would start it on its own
61:49♫ We need just one voice
61:51-[Man] It's Trotter, he's drunk again.
61:54-[Woman] Why don't you go off home to bed, Derek?
61:55♫ And that one voice would never be alone
62:15♫ Pack up all your cares and woes
62:18♫ Here I go, singing low, bye-bye blackbird
62:25- Why don't you shut up, Mick!
62:26You're making him worse!
62:27- You want me to shut up?
62:30Why don't you make me shut up?
62:32- Right, I'll shut that big mouth of yours downstairs!
62:36- It's a fight you want?
62:38Right, I'm in for some of that.
62:41- Oh no, that's all we need.
62:43♫ One voice
62:46- Del Boy, Del, come in here!
62:52(phone ringing)
62:53-[Cassandra] Oh no!
63:07- Hello?
63:09Yeah, alright, bye-bye.
63:23Del Boy's singing in the precinct.
63:28Del's singing in the precinct.
63:31- I can't hear anything.
63:33- No, that was Albert on the phone.
63:36Del's singing on the estate.
63:40It's quarter past two in the morning and Del's singing.
63:43- Why? - I don't know.
63:46- Has he woken anyone up?
63:48- Yeah, you and me for a start.
63:52Albert, why is Del singing?
63:56Yeah, mm, mm-hmm, right.
64:04No, he don't know either.
64:08What d'you mean, come round?
64:09What d'you want me to do harmonize with him?
64:13Albert, there's not a song
64:14in the world Del knows all the words to,
64:16so he'll be finished in a minute, won't he?
64:19No, I am not coming 'round.
64:21I'll see you tomorrow.
64:24I don't believe it.
64:31I'd better go 'round and see what's happening.
64:40♫ It takes that one voice
64:46♫ Just one voice singing in the darkness
64:57♫ All it takes is one voice
65:03♫ Shout it out and let it ring
65:10♫ Just one voice
65:14♫ It takes that one voice
65:22♫ And everyone will sing
65:34(baby crying)
65:36(sirens blaring)
65:46- What's happening now, Rodney?
65:47- What's happening?
65:48They're rioting again, that's what's happening!
65:51Why don't you have a look for yourself?
65:53- You're joking, I might get
65:55a brick come through the window!
65:57- We're on the 12th bloody floor, Albert.
66:00What d'you think they've done,
66:00invited Geoff Capes along?
66:03- Mrs. Murphy says they've brought the horses out.
66:05- Yeah, the police have gone to get theirs now.
66:12- Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, can't you turn that telly down?
66:14I'm in here trying to get some sleep, ain't I, eh?
66:17- I don't believe it.
66:18Would you have a look out that window
66:20and see what's happening.
66:22- Why, what's the matter now?
66:23- There's a full-scale inner-city riot going on downstairs.
66:27They're all there, Del, the SPG,
66:29snatch squads, looters, people who wanna get on telly,
66:33and unless I'm very much mistaken, Kate Adie.
66:36(audience laughing)
66:39- Oh, oh, well, what started them all off again then?
66:43- You! - Me?
66:45What have I done?
66:46- You were singing, Del.
66:47- Singing, me?
66:49- Now don't try an' deny it, son, 'cause I heard you.
66:51- Singing?
66:53Oh, yeah, that's, no, wait a minute, I remember now.
66:54That's right, I was celebrating, Rodney.
66:56Raquel and Damien are coming home.
66:58- Oh, that's a good reason for a civil war, innit?
67:02- Well, I was feeling a bit euphoric.
67:04What's more natural than to give vent
67:06to your joy with a little song, eh?
67:08- It was One Voice Singing in the Darkness.
67:11- Yeah, hark at them now, there's bloody thousands of 'em.
67:14- Alright, OK!
67:17I'm sorry.
67:18- Oh well, that's alright then, innit, Albert?
67:21- Alright, what do you want me to do?
67:22Tell me what I should do and I'll do it.
67:24- Oh well, why don't you stand out there
67:25on the balcony and shout stop it?
67:27- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
67:28They won't take no notice of that will they?
67:30I tell you what I'm going to do.
67:33I'm going to get dressed and I'm going to go down there.
67:35- Eh, 'ere listen, what're you going to do?
67:38You going to try an' talk sense into 'em?
67:40- No, I'm gonna flog 'em some of this ski gear.
67:48There we are.
67:50Lovely jubbly.
67:52Come on then, off we go.
67:58-[Rodney] Aren't you gonna check 'em?
68:00- Mm, no, I don't have to.
68:01I know what's in them, Russian video recorders.
68:03-[Rodney] No, I mean, aren't you going
68:04to check if they're OK?
68:05- Yeah, I've had a look at one.
68:06They've got buttons and lights and things.
68:07They seem kosher to me.
68:09Go on, get it in there.
68:12(dramatic instrumental music)
68:21Rodney, come here quick Rodney.
68:23Look at that woman, that woman.
68:27- Who? - There!
68:28- What's the matter with you?
68:32- Don't matter, Rodney, forget it.
68:33Come on, hurry up, Rodney.
68:35Let's get all of this stuff down to the garage,
68:36then I've got to go an' pick up Raquel and Damien
68:38from your place.
68:52- You alright? - Yes, yes, come on, just.
68:54- I saw the riot on TV this morning.
68:57What started it this time?
68:58- I don't know.
69:00Seems to be the slightest little thing
69:03starts it all off these days.
69:08Still, it was all nice and quiet when I left this evening.
69:14(explosion)
69:16(shouting and confusion)
69:21(dramatic instrumental music)
70:17- I thought you said it had all quietened down.
70:20We'll have to turn 'round and go back
70:22to Rodney and Cassandra's.
70:24- But we live here.
70:26- How the hell are we going to get through that lot
70:28in one piece?
70:30- Well, I'm not turning 'round
70:34(car horn blaring)
70:40- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
70:42It's Del Boy!
70:56Come through, Del.
71:06(audience laughing)
71:10- Oi, Texo!
71:12I've got that VCR that goes with your camera.
71:14- Nice one, Del.
71:15Be 'round tomorrow.
71:16- Oi, Alex, tell your sister I've got her video recorder.
71:20- Righto, Del, I'll tell her Tuesday
71:22when I go 'round for tea.
71:23- Lovely jubbly!
72:24- Oh, Del, this is Beverly.
72:27Beverly, this is my, well, this is Del.
72:32- Hi. - Er, wotchya.
72:39-[Raquel] Beverly's interested in Damien's high-chair.
72:42- How'd she find out about that?
72:44- I saw an ad in the news agents' window.
72:46I was out the other night on my own,
72:48you know, nothing to do.
72:50- Oh, yeah?
72:52- It's for my daughter's baby.
72:54- His name's Damien as well.
72:55- Oh, cushty.
72:57-[Raquel] Could you deliver it later today?
72:59- Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
73:01- Del. Beverly might not be able to afford the full amount.
73:03D'you think we could come to some arrangement with her?
73:05- Yeah, yeah, well yeah.
73:06I'll leave it up you, sweetheart.
73:08Look, I've just remembered,
73:09I've got to go out and meet someone, yeah.
73:12- Nice meeting you.
73:15- Yeah, bye.
73:19- He's not usually like that.
73:21Must be pressure of business.
73:24- Mm.
73:27- Rodney, Rodney, Rodders.
73:29I've got a problem.
73:31I've got a big problem.
73:33Do you know that woman we saw in the market the other day?
73:36- What, the one that wasn't there?
73:37- Yes, that one.
73:38She's only haunting me, Rodney.
73:39She's only bloody haunting me.
73:41- Haunting?
73:42What d'you mean haunting you?
73:43- She's haunting me.
73:44She's the one that I made a date with
73:46and then gave her the elbow.
73:48And, ever since then, she's everywhere that I look.
73:51I mean, the other night she was here in the pub.
73:54And then this morning, I was driving down the road
73:55and she was standing there by a bus stop,
73:58and then she was in the market the other day.
73:59You saw her.
74:01- No, I didn't.
74:02- Yeah, see what I mean?
74:03And today, to top it all, today I went home
74:06and she's in my flat.
74:08- What was she doing in your flat?
74:10- Oh she said that she'd come to buy Damien's high-chair.
74:12If she thinks I'm going to believe that
74:13she's got another think coming.
74:15- How'd she know it was for sale?
74:16- She said that she saw the ad
74:17that I placed in the news agents.
74:20- Oh, that is a bit far fetched, innit?
74:22- Exactly.
74:24- Oh, you crack me up, you do.
74:26Let's have a look at the facts, shall we?
74:28So, she was in this pub.
74:29Now maybe, just maybe, she was having a drink.
74:32And then you saw her in the market at lunchtime.
74:35Do you reckon she might have been shopping?
74:37- Bit of a coincidence, though that, innit?
74:40- And then you saw her waiting at a bus stop.
74:42Now, this is just a hunch, Del,
74:44but do you reckon there is an outside chance
74:45that she might have been waiting for a bus?
74:48- Well, I don't know, do I?
74:50I tell you what I do know, though.
74:51She is an ex-psychiatric patient.
74:55- So? - So,
74:58she is a jealous woman Rodney, a woman scorned.
75:01Now, jealous women are no problem
75:03to me normally, you know.
75:05I mean I can handle all that,
75:07but this one is a jealous woman
75:08who is an olive short of a pizza,
75:13and she knows where we live.
75:15We could all wake up one morning
75:16and find we was killed while we was asleep.
75:19- You're just letting your imagination run away with you.
75:22Does she seem odd in any way?
75:24- I don't know.
75:26You can judge for yourself.
75:28You've got to deliver the high chair.
75:31- Why have I got to go?
75:32- Because I've got a wife and kid.
75:34- Yeah, but I've got a wife and a thermometer.
75:43- Raquel, Raquel!
75:45Where are, Raquel!
75:49(dramatic instrumental music)
76:11(audience laughing)
76:25Oh no, oh my God!
76:28- What's happened? - Look!
76:32Albert's boiling his pants again.
76:38- What's wrong, Del?
76:40- Where's the gerbil?
76:41- In Damien's room, he's playing with it.
76:43Del, what is wrong with you?
76:46- I've got to sort this all out.
76:47I've got to sort it all out.
76:50I got to go out, darling.
76:51I've got to meet someone.
77:08Right, now you listen to what I've got to say!
77:10You leave me and my family alone.
77:13You don't frighten me!
77:14I'm not scared of you.
77:15(buzzing)
77:16- Mr. James.
77:19What's wrong with you, you moron?
77:21- Oh, just a couple of fillings.
77:22(audience laughing)
77:26Alright, Del?
77:27- Yeah, yeah, see you later, Trig.
77:33You were following me!
77:34- I've been following you? - Yes!
77:36- I thought it was the other way around.
77:38- What?
77:39- Everywhere I go I see you!
77:41I go in the pub with my daughter and son-in-law
77:43and you're there.
77:44I'm waiting for a bus and you drive by.
77:47I go and do a bit of lunchtime shopping in the market
77:50and surprise, surprise, there you are again.
77:53I even went to buy a second-hand high chair
77:55and you walked in.
77:56- I live there.
77:58- OK, I'll let you off that one.
78:00- Right.
78:01- Now, listen, I think, Mr. Trotter, our wires have become
78:05crossed somewhere along the line.
78:07- But you were in a psychiatric hospital.
78:10- Yes?
78:11- Oh no, don't try and deny it.
78:15No, a friend of mine was visiting a relative there,
78:16and he saw you.
78:18- Yes, I worked there as a receptionist.
78:23I'm a medical receptionist.
78:26It's what I do, see?
78:28- So you weren't following me?
78:31- Good god, d'you think I'm hard up?
78:34Now understand this, Mr. Trotter.
78:37If you follow me or come to my place of work
78:39and pester me again, I'm going to go to court
78:41and take out an injunction against you.
78:43- Don't you worry, darling,
78:43this is the last we'll hear of each other.
78:46- Good, oh, and by the way,
78:48I suppose I should have expected as much,
78:50but that high-chair's got a screw loose.
78:54- Well, tighten it.
79:05There we are, sweetheart, go on, then, get that down you.
79:10- That was a lovely dinner, Raquel.
79:13- Thanks, another drink, Cassandra?
79:15- Better not, I'm doing the driving.
79:18- No, no, no, no, come on, you can stay over.
79:21We've got plenty of room.
79:22We can all mix in, can't we?
79:24- Shall we?
79:25- Yeah, let's enjoy ourselves, eh?
79:27- Yes, that's it, you know it makes sense.
79:31Oh, darling, shall I put your Tubular Bells on?
79:34- No, no, not yet, Del.
79:36- Alright, alright, she loves that Tubular Bells.
79:40Hey, come on Champ.
79:41It's bedtime for you.
79:42Come along, that's it.
79:44Let's go to bed, that's it, good boy.
79:45Off we go.
79:48-[All] Goodnight.
79:50- Say goodnight. - Night.
79:52- Look, isn't that lovely?
79:53He's only 10.
79:56Here we go.
79:58Which is your room then?
80:00- So, what d'you get Del for Christmas?
80:02- I got him one of those answering machines.
80:03He's always on about.
80:05- That'll save me getting any more rollockings
80:07for forgetting messages.
80:09- Yeah, you know, this is quite a good one.
80:10How much did this cost you?
80:12- Ssh, it didn't actually cost anything.
80:14I swapped it for Damien's high-chair.
80:16- Yeah, well you know I reckon you got a good deal there.
80:20Does it work?
80:23-[Del] Oh hello, Beverly, this is Del Boy.
80:28Listen, I'm sorry, I've got to cancel our date tonight.
80:32Yeah, I'll, give you a call some other time, alright?
80:37Bonjour.
80:38(beeping)
80:40♫ Watch out, Trotter's about
80:42♫ Hey, watch out, Trotter's about
80:45♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch out now Trotter's about
80:51- Hey come on, what's the matter with you, eh?
80:53Well come on, smile.
80:58What's wrong, sweetheart?
80:59-[Raquel] Don't touch me, Trotter!
81:01Don't come near me, don't even look at me!
81:03(door slamming)
81:04-[Del] What have you said to her, Rodney?
81:06-[Rodney] Me, I haven't said anything.
81:08-[Cassandra] Don't try and blame Rodney.
81:09It's nothing to do with him.
81:10-[Albert] Don't look at me either, son.
81:12I'm keeping out of this.
81:13-[Del] Look, ah, there you are, Raquel.
81:15Are you feeling better now, darling?
81:17(glass shattering)
81:18Hey Raquel, that could have hit me.
81:19-[Raquel] It was meant to hit you.
81:21♫ Holy infant so tender and mild
81:29♫ Sleep in heavenly peace
81:37♫ Sleep in heavenly peace
81:47-[Del] Will someone tell me what have I done?
81:50What have I done?
81:56(audience laughing)
81:58♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
82:00♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
82:02♫ TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
82:05♫ Ball games, gold chains, what's-names, pictures
82:07♫ Frames and leather goods
82:08♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
82:09♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
82:11♫ Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush
82:14♫ No income tax, no VAT
82:17♫ No money back, no guarantee
82:20♫ Black or white, rich or poor
82:23♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
82:28♫ God bless Hooky Street
82:31♫ Viva Hooky Street
82:34♫ Long live Hooky Street
82:37♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
82:40♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street
82:45♫ Hooky Street
82:48♫ Hooky Street
82:51♫ Hooky Street
82:54♫ Hooky Street