Only Fools and Horses S00E15 — Heroes and Villains

Every line from “Heroes and Villains” (673 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:02# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# Cos if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
00:18# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me beserk
00:28# Why do only fools and horses work?
00:32# La la la-la
00:34# La la la-la la
00:36# La la la-la
00:38# La la la-la la... #
00:43DISTANT WAIL OF SIREN
00:46DOG BARKS
01:40BUZZER SOUNDS
01:47WHIRR OF HELICOPTER BLADES
01:57BUZZER PERSISTS
02:10BUZZER STOPS Our jet-copter's arrived, Raquel.
02:14I'll summon the maid.I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.
02:20How long's he gonna be in there? He can't be rushed. He's putting together a very important deal.
02:27He's talking to President Reeves in Washington.President Reeves?! Really?
02:40Rodney! Where you been? Damien phoned for you hours ago.I know.
02:45The State transportation workers are on strike. Damien made strikes illegal.
02:51Yes. The police were shooting them as I left.
02:55Hmm!Damien said he wanted to see me urgently. Mmm. I'll take you through.
03:02DAMIEN: Oh, yeah! I've heard it all before!
03:07Oh, bonnet de douche. BONNET de douche! What I'm saying, Mr President...
03:14..Oh, shut up, you tart!
03:18Listen, Keanu. You sit in the White House all day twiddling your thumbs.
03:23People are beginning to see through you.
03:26What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good.
03:31What a boy, eh? What a boy!
03:35Well, of course millions will be killed. A war without death is like a salad without watercress.
03:43Make the declaration tomorrow.
03:47What's going on here? I ordered a messenger over an hour ago. He's here.
03:54There.
03:56Uncle Rodney!
03:59THEME FROM "THE OMEN"
04:06Damien?
04:08I want you in Beijing for the war. You report back to me.War? I don't wanna go to war!
04:15War...is good.
04:18I don't wanna go to war!
04:21What would your Uncle Albert say? I don't know.
04:25We'll ask him, then, won't we?
04:29MUSIC: "Sailor's Hornpipe" 'During the war... During the war...
04:35'During the war... During the war... During the war... During the war...'
04:41SHE COUGHS DELIBERATELY Oh.
04:46You rang, your lordship.Cassandra? What are YOU doing here?
04:51Damien took over my bank and fired me.
04:55Now I'm the maid.
04:59It's a job, Rod.
05:01No... This isn't fair.
05:04Rodney!It's not...right!
05:08You shouldn't be doing this!Rodney.
05:11Everything was nice and now you've messed it all up.Rodney. I wanna go back to how it was.
05:18Rodney!
05:21Rodney! Rodney!!
05:23Rodney! Rodney!
05:26Rodney!
05:28Rodney, wake up, you dipstick!!
05:33Oh, God, it was a dream!
05:36Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Holborn again?
05:41No, I just drifted off there.
05:43Oh, man, I had the wildest dream!
05:46Oh, yeah? What was it about? Sunshine and little birdies(?)
05:51Oh, sorry(!) So, what's happening?
05:55What's happening? I'll TELL you what's happening!
05:59We have bought 150 Latvian radio-alarm clocks that go off whenever they bloody well like.
06:07We've also got 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse riders crash hats
06:14that some git has sprayed red.
06:17We've got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans wouldn't wear!
06:22Also, my home improvement grant has been rejected. Apart from that, everything is fine(!)Thank God.
06:30Raquel! A letter! ..What's wrong with you, falling asleep at 7.45am? Don't you sleep enough at home?
06:37You know my situation! It's Cassandra and this "baby" thing!
06:42Hospital's given us a new schedule.
06:45I'm at it like a rattlesnake. It's awful!Wasn't that your ambition?
06:50Some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House.
06:55Don't mean they wanna sing it three bloody times a night! Would make your throat sore!Yes!
07:07They put her on a special diet, and all that. The gynae...
07:12The gynaecologist reckons it's only a matter of time. Cass is broody.
07:17I got her a rabbit.
07:20Rabbit? Part of her diet, is it?
07:24No, a PET rabbit. Stupid idea. I wish I hadn't bothered now.
07:29Hospital passed all the tests? Oh, yeah. ..And this is personal. I don't want it broadcast.
07:36Course not! Who's gonna listen?!
07:39I suppose you've had her tubes looked at?Yes! Everything's fine. We just can't crack the case.
07:47Every day I'm taking specimens down to the clinic...cos it's all to do with ovums and...things.
07:56The hospital keeps showing me this film of "Inside the Human Body".
08:01God, don't half put you off, Del.
08:04Yeah, I should think so.
08:06Give me "Debbie Does Dallas" any day!
08:10We'll have a spot of breakfast and go down the market.
08:14Boiled egg?No!All right.
08:18But, Del...Yeah? Can I ask a favour?
08:22Yeah.
08:24Can I have this afternoon off?Has she booked you in for a seeing-to?
08:29No. We're having a celebratory lunch, cos, um...
08:34Well, it's my birthday. Your birthda... OH! A la brochette!
08:39I forgot all about it, didn't I?
08:42Oh, sorry. Look. Well...
08:45if it's your birthday, the answer is no. You wouldn't expect Richard Branson to want the afternoon off.
08:52HE don't know it's my birthday.
08:56Not YOUR birthday! I mean if it was HIS!Oh...
09:00He'd be too busy down the old financial fast lane.
09:05He wouldn't be out cos it's his birthday.Oh, all right, then.
09:10Course you can have the afternoon off. It's your birthday.
09:14Hey, come on. I bet you thought I'd forgot. Here you go!
09:20There's your cards look, birthday boy.
09:23That one's from Damien.
09:27Oh...bless him.
09:30Don't worry about those for a minute. Take a look at that.
09:35That is a present from me... and Raquel, of course.
09:43It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet.Yeah, I can see that.
09:49Oh, it's just like mine. See! Look at that!
09:52It's great. 24-carat gold, no rubbish. Even got your name on it.
09:59"Rooney"?
10:02No, no. No. No. That says, look, Rodney.No, that says "Rooney".
10:07There's an O where the D should be.
10:10No, no, no. That is a D. It's copperplate writing...Oh.
10:15Go on. Put it on. Put it on. Oh. Right.
10:19Come on. I don't want you getting all over-emotional on me.Right.
10:29Morning, Rodney.Hello, Raquel.
10:31What's that?
10:34It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet.
10:38..Rooney?
10:40No, that's Rodney.Looks like Rooney. That's an O, isn't it?No.
10:45D. It's copperplate writing.Looks like Rooney. Where d'you get it?
10:52It's your birthday present.
10:54..Oh. It's your birthday. Sorry. Happy birthday, Rodney.
10:59Thanks.Del chose the present. Where is he?
11:04In the kitchen. Council turned down his application for a home improvement grant.
11:10Didn't have half a million handy(?) What does he wanna do?Extend the balcony and build a double garage?
11:19No. Au contraire. I just wanted £5,000 to improve the kitchen units. See?That's fair enough.
11:27Oh, get real, Rodney. Put new units in? He just wanted the five grand.
11:33No, the council would've checked.
11:37You give them an 18-month sob story and they forget all about it.
11:42They're too busy organising carnivals and things.
11:46They turned me down. I don't wanna discuss it cos now it's EPIDEMIC.
11:52Who's the letter from, sweetheart?
11:54I dunno yet.
11:59Look at this. Gits!
12:04Morning, Damien.
12:07I've got a new hat. Dad got it for me.And it's a cracker!
12:11My dad gets me everything.
12:15D'you wanna play war?
12:19No. Um...bit busy.
12:22Come on. You've got time for a LITTLE battle.No, I'm all right.
12:27You stay there, champ. I'll get your cereal.
12:31When I'm older, will people still wear baseball caps?People will wear what you tell them to wear.Cool!
12:43Little git! >
12:47I fought for this country and how do they treat you? Ain't bloody fair, eh?
12:56Your socks look like the bomb squad's had a go at them.
13:00If that hospital gets Cassandra pregnant, I'll have two of the little sods at me.
13:06What d'you know about us and the hospital?Nothing.
13:12What's an ovum?
13:14I don't BELIEVE you... Were you listening to me and Del? I wasn't listening, I just heard.
13:22Don't worry. You know me. I'll say nothing.
13:28Left, right! Squad, atten-shun!
13:31You be careful when you go and collect your pension. There's a gang of muggers hanging about.
13:39They don't worry me, son. I boxed for the navy. They used to call my left hand Trotter's Trembler.
13:48What did they call your RIGHT hand?
13:51Eh, Rodney. Rodney. Rodney. Come on. Let's go!
13:56What's the hurry?Come on. Just let's go, Rodney.Don't you want me to load the van up?No time.
14:03I've gotta meet a bloke down the market. Get your coat on and get out of here...
14:10See you later, sweetheart! Bye, Unc!
14:13What's HE in such a hurry for? I dunno.
14:20Oh, no. Not again!
14:22RADIO-ALARMS GO OFF
14:29Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me when she gave me this medal?Yes.
14:36Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal.No.
14:42She said, "I thank you on behalf of the council
14:47"and the people of Peckham."
14:50Hello, George. Morning, Sid.
14:53What d'you fancy, Rodders? A cheese roll.One cheese roll.
14:58I still find it hard to believe. So do I!
15:02Medals for road-sweepers! Del Boy will get one for good taste next!
15:08Morning, all!Morning, Del.
15:10Thank God you've arrived! He can bore you two with it now!What?
15:16Trigger's got a medal!
15:19Oh, yeah! Where d'you find that, then, Trig?No, I was awarded it.
15:24Look. It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray.
15:30That's me.
15:32Oh, THAT'S you, is it, Trig? Right. I'm glad you cleared that up.
15:37Here. Let me have a look at that.
15:40Oh. Right. So THAT'S that Councillor Murray, is it?
15:46She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant.
15:51I was humiliated.When you have the time, you must tell me all about it.
15:57Hey, reckon some of your friends at the masonic lodge have influence in the town hall?No.
16:05I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant.
16:10And the day started off SO well.
16:13It's Councillor Murray's idea. She's head of finance and facilities at the town hall.
16:20Says local people should be rewarded for services to the community. Proud moment in my family's history.
16:27You haven't got a family history. You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory.
16:35Maybe, but I still feel proud.
16:41So what exactly is the award for? For saving the council money.
16:47I mentioned to her that I've had the same broom for the last 20 years.
16:52She was impressed and said, "Have a medal." 20 years. A long time, Dave.
16:58Yeah, I know. Two decades, innit?
17:01I wouldn't go THAT far, but it's a long time.
17:04Um, Trig, just a second.
17:08If you've had it for 20 years, have you actually swept any roads with it?
17:14Course. But I look after it well.
17:17We've an old saying, handed down by generations of road-sweepers. "Look after your broom."
17:25And your broom will look after you. No, Dave. It's just, "Look after your broom."
17:33Oh, THAT old saying.Yeah.
17:36And that's what I done. I've maintained it for 20 years.
17:41This old broom has had 17 new heads,
17:45and 14 new handles in its time.
17:53How can it be the same bloody broom?
17:56Here's a picture of it. What more proof d'you need?
18:03This has come as a bit of a shock.
18:05I haven't heard from you for years. Last time we met, I got the impression I didn't matter any more.
18:14Yeah, I understand.
18:17OK, let's meet. ..No! I'll come to you.
18:20This weekend?
18:23I'm not sure.
18:25Del? I don't know, really.
18:28I s'pose I'll have to tell him the truth. I'll give you a call.
18:33O-OK. I know you do.
18:37Course I still love you...
18:41Bye.
18:53All right, sweetheart?Yeah. What you been up to?Been down the market.
18:59I met a bloke. Done a deal about some electric doughnut makers.
19:05While I was down there, I bumped into Boycie.
19:09Told me Mike down the Nag's Head's selling tickets for a party on Saturday. Wanna go?No, not really.
19:17Oh. OK.
19:21Any phone calls?Um, no. Del... Can we talk?
19:27Of course we can.
19:29There's something I've got to tell you. I'd like to sit down. ..Go on, then.
19:36I mean BOTH of us.
19:39Oh. Right. Yeah.
19:50That letter I got this morning. It was from my mum and dad. I've just got off the phone to them.
19:58Oh...it was from your mum...
20:02Are you OK?Yes. Yeah...
20:06Course I am. I'm t'riffic.
20:08Oh, dear! I didn't know you had a mum and dad.
20:13..What I MEANT was that... you'd never mentioned them before.
20:18Years ago, we had a big bust-up. I told them I wanted to go into show business, to be a dancer, act...
20:25My dad, he's a bit old-fashioned.
20:28He said some nasty things. You can imagine. So I stormed out.
20:33Went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them. Until now.
20:38They've been phoning for two weeks but just got an answering machine.
20:43A lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on answer machines.
20:49No, they left lots, but the rotten machine wouldn't record them.
20:53Oh, dear...! I dunno what's wrong with this machine.
20:59I reckon some of the electronic circuitry needs adjusting. ..There.
21:05So I phoned them.
21:07We had a nice chat.
21:10They seemed different. Sort of...understanding.
21:14I cried.
21:16Hey, hey, hey.
21:19It's all right. It's all right. Come on, sweetheart.
21:23My mum said they missed me. My dad said he loved me.
21:28Oh, well...come on, that is lovely jubbly, innit?
21:32I told them about Damien.
21:35Yeah?They were pleased. Seemed really excited they had a grandson.
21:41Told them all about him. All the little things he does.
21:47Did you...you know, tell 'em about me?
21:52I mentioned you.
21:56Did you, um, tell them what I did?
22:00No, there wasn't time.
22:02They just wanted to know about Damie. Oh, yeah. Course. That's all right.
22:09They mentioned going up there at the weekend. They want to meet him. Well, we'll pop up, shall we?Yeah.
22:18The thing is... Well... See, my dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy, and he hasn't been well recently.
22:25God, this bloody thing!
22:28And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him.
22:33So I don't want to offend you... That's the last time that I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson!
22:42Right, then. The weekend.
22:44Oh, Mont Blanc!
22:47Oh, no, I can't go on Saturday.
22:50Gotta go up to Covent Garden, pick up a van-load of aubergines.Oh!
22:55..Aw-w-w.
22:57And they were really looking forward to meeting you as well. Never mind.
23:02All right, sweetheart, why don't you and Damie go?
23:07Take the Capri Ghia and let 'em see that their little girl has done all right.
23:14Thanks, Del. I DO love you. Yeah, I know.
23:19I'm that sort of bloke, really.
23:24Anyway, what does your dad do?
23:27He's an antique dealer.IS he?
23:29Now, that's interesting.
23:32In the garage...I'm not taking anything with me!All right, then.
23:37Just a thought, that was all. Go on, darling. Build a few bridges.
23:42I'll try. I'll make you a coffee. Yeah, that'll be lovely.
23:57Mum was crying.Oh. What's that, champ?
24:01Mum was crying.Oh, was she? Oh, dear. Come and sit here.
24:06Women DO that, you know. You'll learn that when you get a bit older.
24:11On Saturday, you're gonna see your nan and your granddad.
24:16But I ain't got a nan and granddad. Yes, you have now.Did YOU get 'em for me?No, they're Mum's.
24:24They'll make a right fuss of you.
24:27They'll love you! Cos they're lovely people. What are they called?Hmm? Um...
24:34Um...
24:37Nan and Granddad.
24:40Did you feed Roger?Yeah, I chucked a carrot in earlier.Good.
24:50Don't worry!I'm not. It's only once tonight.
24:55Right.
24:57At least, I THINK it is.
24:59SOFT BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS
25:06Just the once.Look at TUESDAY!
25:13Happy birthday again.Thank you.
25:17Oh, leave off, Cass.
25:19Sorry...ROONEY.
25:22Del's the only bloke who can buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to a dyslexic engraver.
25:30You got lots of NICE presents as well.Yes, I did.
25:35I spoke to Mummy today. She said, as a special birthday present to you, we should fly to the villa next week.
25:42Del hasn't given you a holiday since... He hasn't given you a holiday. It might help.
25:49Sangria, warm evenings...
25:52Sounds good, doesn't it? ..Hold on, what about the rabbit?
25:57Couldn't Del take it?He'd eat it!
26:00Aren't there any kennels that look after rabbits? Like a cattery, but a rabbitry.
26:07A RABBITRY? That's a Chinese toilet.
26:12Couldn't your mum and dad take him? They'll be at the villa.
26:16They'll be there as WELL?! Where are we meant to...relax and stick to the schedule with them there?
26:23I've figured it out, Rodney. We won't do it in front of them(!)
26:30When we want to...you know, relax,
26:33we'll go to our bedroom. What d'you think?
26:36They'll be in the room next to us!
26:39I mean...what about all the panting and the screaming and "Yes, yes, yes"?
26:45You'll just have to control yourself.
26:48No, it'd never work.
26:51I can't leave Del. Business ain't going well.Go on, there are seats on the Thursday morning flight.
26:59I can't, Cass. Del needs me here.
27:02YOU go.
27:04You don't mind?Of course I don't.
27:07A rest would do us...do you good.
27:12We'll have to put our schedule on ice for a week.I'm afraid so.
27:20Got tickets for Saturday's party? BOTH GRUNT
27:25I can tell you're looking forward to it(!)
27:30Here, Boycie, you and Marlene fancy something nice to eat? Yeah, I do.
27:36Shall we pop down the Harvester(?) BOYCIE CACKLES
27:43I don't get much trade, but I DO have a good laugh(!)
27:48'Ere, Trig! D'you fancy a ticket? Tenner each. Right-o, mate.
27:54What d'you mean? You don't even know what they're for. It'll say on the ticket.
28:02I didn't think of that.
28:05'Ere, d'you know, Trig, every year, us publicans hold a fancy dress ball.
28:10Prizes, the lot. This year, it's old Harry Malcolm's turn - the guvnor at the Crown and Anchor.
28:17He's holding the party at his house.
28:20First prize is a brand-new stereo worth over £1,000. Only got a suit and my best jumper.
28:28Perfect.
28:31Did I tell you about my medal? Three times yesterday and twice this morning!
28:37Did I tell you, Marlene? You faxed us last night.
28:46All right, mate? Wotcha, sweetheart? Whay-hey!
28:51MARLENE: Stop it! Honestly!
28:53Cassandra get off all right, then? Yeah, just back from the airport. And Raquel's away too.
29:00I bet you two will be out gallivanting Saturday night.No.
29:05A mug of Bournvita, plate of toast and Match Of The Day, eh, Rodders? Heaven.That's nice!
29:12..ROONEY?
29:14No, that is RODNEY.
29:17It's not an O. It LOOKS like an O, but it's copperplate writing.
29:23See?Oh.
29:25It's quiet today, innit?Yeah.
29:28More life in one of HIS meat pies. Give us a drink, Michael.
29:33A lager-top for Rodney and I'll have...a Bailey's and Cherryade.
29:39Del, d'you fancy something to eat?
29:43A nice plate of beef stew?
29:45I'll have some of that.
29:48Watch the old beef.Shut up, you brass!Dunno why you're worried. I've eaten British beef all my life.
30:03Egg and chips, please, mate.
30:05What d'you want?Something that was fresh this morning.
30:10Give him a Daily Mirror.
30:14Del Boy. All right, Del Boy? Any luck. Yes, loads of it, Denzil. All bad.
30:21I bumped into Paddy the Greek.
30:23Remember those 9-carat...?
30:2624-carat gold bracelets I've been selling? They've been deported...
30:34Why d'you trust him with all that gold?He told me he was an exporter.
30:39Ex-PORTER. He'd just had the sack from British Rail!
30:48Life's one long struggle, innit?Mm.
30:51I feel a bit like that King Farouk, trying to hold back the tide.
30:56I've got a kid to look after now. It's Canute.You can say that again.
31:03Wanna buy a ticket for a publican's ball?Left or right?
31:10Your loss.I've GOT to go. The host is a fellow mason.
31:16Last year's do was a good laugh. Didn't it end in a punch-up?
31:21Yes, but during the struggle, Marlene got a whack in the nose.
31:26And you did nothing about it.How could I? You threw the first punch.
31:32Were you injured? Her make-up cushioned the blow.
31:39Hey, I've just remembered. I was to take Cassie's specimen to the clinic this morning.
31:47I've left it in your kitchen. Take it tomorrow.
31:51No, you don't understand. It mustn't be left in direct sunlight.
31:57You need a cool, dark spot where it won't be disturbed.Boycie's pants.
32:08Everything's fine, Raquel. Although there's no food in the fridge.
32:13Not complaining. Have a nice time. DOOR SLAMS
32:18Hold on. Hold on. I think Del's back.
32:20Del Boy!! ..Sorry.
32:23It's Raquel on the phone.Right. OK.
32:25I'll take it in the bedroom. He's gonna take it in the bedroom. See you soon. Bye.
32:34Your Cassandra will be there by now. She'll have landed about an hour...
32:39Bloody Rooney!
32:42I dunno why you wear an ID bracelet.
32:44Real men didn't wear 'em in my day. You wore them dog tags.
32:49That was an ID necklace. Different.
32:52I don't really wanna wear this but I don't wanna hurt Del's feelings.
32:57I understand, boy. During the war...
33:01God...!
33:03..my mate had the same problem.
33:05His mother bought him a gold watch and he hated it. Didn't wanna hurt her feelings.So what did he do?
33:13He flashed it about in the Portsmouth pubs.
33:17On the way back to his ship he got mugged. Problem solved. That was a good idea(!)
33:23A lot of muggings going on round here.I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option.
33:31No, I'll just have to tell him.
33:34Be gentle, though.
33:39Look, Del. Um...
33:42about this thing you gave me for me birthday.A beauty, innit?
33:46Oh. Um... Well, yeah, but... Um...the thing is...
33:51Raquel and Damie are really having a nice time. Getting on well with her mum and dad.That's good!
33:59Well, you didn't fancy going to meet your common-law in-laws?
34:04Well, to be honest, yes, I did.
34:07But Raquel didn't want me to go.
34:10What, she TOLD you?..Yeah, I know.
34:14No, you see, she was having a difficult time telling me, and...
34:20I made up an excuse and let her off the hook.
34:24I think that she thought I might embarrass her.Yeah.
34:31Oh, what d'you mean?! That's silly!
34:35How could you possibly embarrass her?That's whatIthought.
34:40I tell you what, did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer?
34:45Thought I'd let him have a look at that Jacobean cine-camera we've got in the garage. So, the bracelet...?
34:54Oh, no. Nothing. I'm...well pleased with it.That's it.
34:59You'll never forget your name now, will you?
35:03Raquel goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles.
35:08Nothing in the fridge and that apple juice is horrible!
35:17He's a moaning old git, ain't he?
35:23Apple juice? What apple juice is that?
35:29Cassandra's specimen's gone.
35:45I don't believe him! What am I gonna tell Cassandra?
35:50All right, you tell her that, um...
35:53you spilt it in the van when you went round the corner.
35:57No, I can't lie to her, Del. Tell her Uncle Albert drank it! I can't tell her that, can I?!
36:05It's just one thing after another.
36:08Rodney, we've gotta get out of here.
36:11How d'you mean?I've been thinking.
36:14Now that Cassandra's away in foreign climes and Raquel's off on her toes to Milton Keynes,
36:21you know what tomorrow is, don't you? It's the publican's ball.
36:26So while the mice are away, the cats could go out and play.
36:31Be like the old days, Rodders.
36:34We aren't gonna be pulling birds, are we?We never pulled any in the old days!
36:41What chance have we got now?
36:43Come on, eh? What d'you say?Well, it's just a bit of harmless fun.
36:49Well, of course it is! Couple of hours. Sausage roll and a grin.
36:54I tell you what...
36:57First prize is only a stereo system worth £1,000.
37:01What do they give prizes for?
37:04For the best fancy dress. Fancy dress?!
37:08Hold on, I ain't going out dressed up like some...Come on, Rodney!
37:14We'll just pop down the high street, get ourselves a couple of costumes.
37:19I need your help to win this prize.
37:22You're the one with the GCEs in art.
37:25You've got the flair and imagination.Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now?
37:32I'm imagining since you knew Raquel was going away, you've been planning on going all along.
37:41How dare you!
37:44If only your mother could hear you.
37:47Is that what you REALLY think of me?
37:50My child and my wife have gone away for a demanding, draining weekend,
37:57and all you can think of is, "Del Boy can go out for a jolly-up".
38:02That's what you think of Del Boy?
38:04Shallow as a worm's grave.
38:13No-o. You know, I just thought it was...
38:17It just seemed a bit... No, no. Don't!
38:23I'm bleeding.
38:27All right.
38:29I'm sorry, then.
38:34All right. Your apology is accepted.
38:38Oh, hold on. This do is an all-ticket affair.
38:42I know. I got us a couple as we were leaving.Ace.
38:49I feel stupid! Dunno how we got out of the estate without being seen.
38:55We'll be there in a minute.But we gotta get home dressed like this.
39:00Who's gonna see us at five in the morning?Yeah...
39:04Five in the morning?! You said we was going for a couple of hours!
39:09But you get involved, don't you? LOUD BANGS
39:14What's happening?
39:17There must be something wrong. I wish I was mechanically-minded like you(!)Oh, very funny!
39:24I'll open the bonnet. You have a look at the engine.Not like this!
39:29YOU have a look! It's your van!
39:32You tart, Rodney!
39:57HE SIGHS HEAVILY
40:00(D'you see anything?)No. It's right dark in here.
40:16What you looking for?Trying to see if petrol's coming through to the carburettor.
40:25You IDIOT!!
40:27What?You'll blow us to kingdom come!
40:31Oh, don't be daft! There's no petrol coming through.
40:36That's why we've broken down.
40:44Will you get back inside the van?!
40:46I don't want people seeing you like that!
40:50You look like a right wally! Get in.
40:55CLOCK CHIMES
41:01DEL SIGHS
41:04Well, what are we gonna do now, eh?
41:07I don't know, Derek.
41:10We are in the middle of Peckham at 10.30, dressed as Batman and Robin.
41:15It was YOU who chose these costumes. I wanted to be the Blues Brothers.
41:20We'd have still broken down, and be in this embarrassing situation.
41:25Oh, yeah. Yeah, we'd have been wearing suits and ties.
41:31We'd have never have won first prize as the Blues Brothers.
41:37No, but at least we could've walked home.
41:41Just shut up and try to think of a way out of this.All right. Let's think about it.
41:52Ah!
41:56We phone the RAC.
41:58Yes!!
42:00We ask to get put through to the "broken down, worst-dressed as a couple of prats" department.
42:10All right, then, the police.
42:13Leave it out! We'd never live it down. Our lives would be hell.
42:19We'd have to HEMI-GRATE.Doesn't sound like a bad alternative.
42:27Pubs'll be closing. They'll tear us to shreds!
42:31You know what?
42:34Harry's place is nearer than our places.
42:39We could be there in five minutes, if we ran.We'll be seen!
42:44No, we won't! All the streets are empty, look, ain't they? At the moment.
42:51But the second I step from this van, a thousand people'll pour out of...
42:57a place where a thousand people are.
43:02No. Not if we go through the back streets and the back alleys.
43:07The only people there are the winos and the crack-heads. And they see Batman and Robin EVERY night!
43:15Five minutes?
43:18Five minutes. That's all. We run.
43:25Jeez...
43:31I'm going now, Tom.
43:34TOM: I'll see you out.
43:37Goodnight, Councillor Murray. Goodnight, Tom.
43:45DOG BARKS
43:54SOMEONE IS RUNNING
43:58- Seen a policeman round here? - No. - Good. Give us your money.
44:05What are you doing? TOM!
44:09HELP! Someone shut her up!
44:12Get her briefcase! >
44:14Gary!
44:20- What's happening? - No idea...
44:31GO!!
44:51Councillor Murray?
44:54Yes.I recognised you from your photograph.
44:57Derek Trotter. You may remember me.
45:00I wrote to you some time ago about a...Del!
45:05Let's go!Yeah... Sorry, must dash.
45:10Duty calls.
45:23DOORBELL RINGS
45:29Oh, Boycie! Let us in, will you?
45:36What have you two come as, then?
45:39Batman and Robin.
45:42Look, ignore him, Rodney. Just ignore him! Oh, dear!
45:47Where IS everyone? Through there, Caped Crusader.
45:51You ain't gonna win dressed like that.
45:55D'you see that, Rodders? WE have come as Batman and Robin!
46:01Boycie's come as the Penguin.
46:05Oh, no, Del Boy. Not the Penguin.
46:08More like the Joker.
46:12LOW BUZZ OF CONVERSATION Mike from the Nag's Head.
46:16Listen, I was really cut up when I heard about your dad. Your husband.
46:22Still, at least he didn't suffer.
46:25And he'd have been well chuffed to see everyone turn up for his wake like this.
46:31SINGING BATMAN THEME TUNE
46:40Derek.Hmm?
46:43Harry died yesterday.
46:45Harry...
46:47Harry died? SHE SOBS LOUDLY
46:54Why didn't you tell us that out there, instead of letting us... come in here like that?!
47:01We was going#Da da-da da da-da da-da#and everything!Slipped my mind. Strange what grief does.
47:09CACKLES LOUDLY
47:14Del, dunno if you remember me. Kenny.
47:17Harry's son.
47:19Yes! Yes... Course I remember you.
47:22I phoned round everyone to tell them the party was off. Left four or five messages on your answering machine.
47:30The machine's playing up a bit.
47:32I'm gonna throw that...bloody machine away when we get home!
47:37I am REALLY sorry.Don't be silly. The old man's most likely having a good laugh at us. You'll stay?
47:45Um...
47:47Yeah, of course. Of course we're gonna stay.Get yourself a drink.
47:53All right. Cheers.
47:57OK, then.
48:08Beer there, Denz?
48:11Didn't you know Harry had died?
48:17Yes, of course we knew Harry had died. That's why we came dressed as Batman and...thingy!Robin.Yes.
48:27I suppose the prize-giving's off now, is it?All that for nothing!
48:32All right, Del? Dave?
48:36A real choker, Harry popping off.We didn't know the fancy-dress party had been cancelled.Me neither.
48:47You mean...that's your costume?
48:50Yeah. I came as a chauffeur.
48:53I feel a bit stupid now.
48:59Now you come to mention it, you DO stand out a bit!
49:03I'm gonna cheer up the widow. I'll leave him to you.
49:08I don't think you and Del would've won first prize.No?No.
49:14YOU'RE all right, but Del don't look nothing like Tonto.
49:23'Ere they are! 'Ere they are, look!
49:25Aerodynamically-designed cycle helmets as worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan. Beautiful!
49:33No? Well, what else have we here?
49:35Look at this. Baseball caps, straight from LA,
49:40as worn by MC Hammer. Oh, yes!
49:43Here you are. Buy one for your kid for Xmas. Lovely in his stocking.
49:48Right. What else have we got?
49:51Ah, yes!
49:53We've got the unisex baseball caps.
49:56Look at that! Buy one for your son! One for your daughter!
50:00Have you got the time?
50:04Del.Yeah. ..What's up? Have a look.
50:08Hey!
50:10Hoi! What's your game?!
50:13Rodney, get after 'em! Go on!
50:18Oh...
50:20Hey, are you all right, darlin'?
50:22Little buggers nicked me handbag, son.
50:27Me bloody arse is hurting as well.
50:29Don't worry. You just take it easy.
50:32Someone call an ambulance for her. Also call the police.
50:37Hey! You! Hoi!!
51:23Bloody Rodney!
51:28DEL GASPS FOR BREATH
52:20Oh...Gordon Bennett!
52:44Ooh. Woops-a-daisy(!) APPROACHING SIREN
52:49We read and we hear about so-called "have a go" heroes but we rarely have the honour of meeting one.
52:56I'm proud to say that in Peckham we have our very own "have a go" hero.
53:02It is my great honour and privilege to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter.
53:17It's Batman!
53:20Mr Trotter. Could I have a couple of pictures?Ooh, mange tout. Yes.
53:26(How come YOU got a medal? I did all the running.)But you were running AWAY from him. Excuse me.
53:37I was NOT running away from him, actually. I was...just...luring him.
53:43You weren't half luring him fast! You shot past like Linford Christie.
53:49Minus that poodle he keeps down his shorts.Mind out the way, sir.
53:55Yes, mind out the way, Rod. You're casting a shadow on the hero.
53:59Thank you.
54:02WHIRR OF CAMERA
54:07Why didn't YOU get a medal?Eh?
54:10No, they offered me one, but, um...
54:13I said I wanted to remain anonymous.
54:16Oh...
54:20Mr Trotter.Excuse me. Councillor Murray.
54:24We met the night you were dressed as Batman.
54:29..Yes, of course.
54:31I've never been so frightened in my life.It was only a costume.
54:36..No. I mean terrified of that awful gang of muggers.Oh, I see.
54:41They're behind bars, thanks to you. Don't mention it.If ever there's anything I can do for you...Thanks.
54:50..Councillor Murray!
54:52Um...
54:54As a matter of fact, there IS a little something that you might be able to help me out with.
55:01Could we have a little chat? Of course. Come this way...Cushty.
55:08Well, we're gonna have to cut this one out for the family album!
55:13A Trotter never won a medal before. ..Albert's won three or four dozen.
55:18Why did they use the word "man"?
55:21Why didn't they say "men"? Rodney was there too.
55:27They DO mention him!
55:30"Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney."
55:36You see! It's bloody ROONEY!
55:41Come on, then, ladies and gentlemen. Charge your glasses.
55:46I have got something to say on this auspicious occasion.
55:52Not only am I the only Trotter to win a medal without getting wet,
55:58but this is a double celebration.
56:01You told them?I never. How d'you find out?
56:05- What? - You don't know? - No.
56:09Ah. Well, in that case, let me just say that if, in the near future,
56:14anybody wants to buy Cassandra and I some Mothercare vouchers,
56:19they will come in bloody handy.
56:22Oh, YES, MY SON!
56:24WE have SCORED!It was a BEAUTY!
56:27# It's comin' home It's comin' home, it's comin'... #
56:33I don't believe it! # FOOTBALL'S COMIN' HOME! #
56:37Well done!I'm pleased for you. I know you've been through hell...
56:47How about that? A cousin for Damien to play with.
56:52Yeah...
56:54You said this was a double celebration before you found out about Cassandra.
57:00Oh, that's right. Then it's a treble celebration!
57:05You know that I was turned down for my home improvement grant?
57:10They've sent me a cheque for £5,000.
57:14They've sent you £5,000? What can't speak can't lie.
57:18Signed by Councillor Murray.
57:22It's not a bad old world, is it, bruv?
57:26It's getting better all the time.
57:28Lovely jubbly!
57:37# We've got some half-price crack ties
57:39# Miles and miles of carpet tiles TVs, deep freezes, David Bowie LPs
57:43# Ball games, gold chains...
57:46# Trevor Francis tracksuits From a moosh in Shepherd's Bush
57:52# No income tax, no VAT
57:55# No money back, no guarantee
57:58# Black or white, rich or broke
58:01# We'll cut prices at a stroke
58:06# God bless Hookey Street
58:09# Viva Hookey Street!
58:12# Long live Hookey Street!
58:15# C'est magnifique! Hookey Street! #
58:18Subtitles by Valerie Maguire BBC Scotland, 1996