Only Fools and Horses S00E15 — Heroes and Villains

Every line from “Heroes and Villains” (673 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E15 meme — “First prize is a brand-new stereo worth over £1,000. Only got a suit and my best jumper.”

00:02# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# Cos if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
00:18# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me beserk
00:28# Why do only fools and horses work?
00:32# La la la-la
00:34# La la la-la la
00:36# La la la-la
00:38# La la la-la la... #
00:43DISTANT WAIL OF SIREN
00:46DOG BARKS
01:40BUZZER SOUNDS
01:47WHIRR OF HELICOPTER BLADES
01:57BUZZER PERSISTS
02:10BUZZER STOPS Our jet-copter's arrived, Raquel.
02:14I'll summon the maid.I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.
02:20How long's he gonna be in there? He can't be rushed. He's putting together a very important deal.
02:27He's talking to President Reeves in Washington.President Reeves?! Really?
02:40Rodney! Where you been? Damien phoned for you hours ago.I know.
02:45The State transportation workers are on strike. Damien made strikes illegal.
02:51Yes. The police were shooting them as I left.
02:55Hmm!Damien said he wanted to see me urgently. Mmm. I'll take you through.
03:02DAMIEN: Oh, yeah! I've heard it all before!
03:07Oh, bonnet de douche. BONNET de douche! What I'm saying, Mr President...
03:14..Oh, shut up, you tart!
03:18Listen, Keanu. You sit in the White House all day twiddling your thumbs.
03:23People are beginning to see through you.
03:26What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good.
03:31What a boy, eh? What a boy!
03:35Well, of course millions will be killed. A war without death is like a salad without watercress.
03:43Make the declaration tomorrow.
03:47What's going on here? I ordered a messenger over an hour ago. He's here.
03:54There.
03:56Uncle Rodney!
03:59THEME FROM "THE OMEN"
04:06Damien?
04:08I want you in Beijing for the war. You report back to me.War? I don't wanna go to war!
04:15War...is good.
04:18I don't wanna go to war!
04:21What would your Uncle Albert say? I don't know.
04:25We'll ask him, then, won't we?
04:29MUSIC: "Sailor's Hornpipe" 'During the war... During the war...
04:35'During the war... During the war... During the war... During the war...'
04:41SHE COUGHS DELIBERATELY Oh.
04:46You rang, your lordship.Cassandra? What are YOU doing here?
04:51Damien took over my bank and fired me.
04:55Now I'm the maid.
04:59It's a job, Rod.
05:01No... This isn't fair.
05:04Rodney!It's not...right!
05:08You shouldn't be doing this!Rodney.
05:11Everything was nice and now you've messed it all up.Rodney. I wanna go back to how it was.
05:18Rodney!
05:21Rodney! Rodney!!
05:23Rodney! Rodney!
05:26Rodney!
05:28Rodney, wake up, you dipstick!!
05:33Oh, God, it was a dream!
05:36Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Holborn again?
05:41No, I just drifted off there.
05:43Oh, man, I had the wildest dream!
05:46Oh, yeah? What was it about? Sunshine and little birdies(?)
05:51Oh, sorry(!) So, what's happening?
05:55What's happening? I'll TELL you what's happening!
05:59We have bought 150 Latvian radio-alarm clocks that go off whenever they bloody well like.
06:07We've also got 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse riders crash hats
06:14that some git has sprayed red.
06:17We've got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans wouldn't wear!
06:22Also, my home improvement grant has been rejected. Apart from that, everything is fine(!)Thank God.
06:30Raquel! A letter! ..What's wrong with you, falling asleep at 7.45am? Don't you sleep enough at home?
06:37You know my situation! It's Cassandra and this "baby" thing!
06:42Hospital's given us a new schedule.
06:45I'm at it like a rattlesnake. It's awful!Wasn't that your ambition?
06:50Some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House.
06:55Don't mean they wanna sing it three bloody times a night! Would make your throat sore!Yes!
07:07They put her on a special diet, and all that. The gynae...
07:12The gynaecologist reckons it's only a matter of time. Cass is broody.
07:17I got her a rabbit.
07:20Rabbit? Part of her diet, is it?
07:24No, a PET rabbit. Stupid idea. I wish I hadn't bothered now.
07:29Hospital passed all the tests? Oh, yeah. ..And this is personal. I don't want it broadcast.
07:36Course not! Who's gonna listen?!
07:39I suppose you've had her tubes looked at?Yes! Everything's fine. We just can't crack the case.
07:47Every day I'm taking specimens down to the clinic...cos it's all to do with ovums and...things.
07:56The hospital keeps showing me this film of "Inside the Human Body".
08:01God, don't half put you off, Del.
08:04Yeah, I should think so.
08:06Give me "Debbie Does Dallas" any day!
08:10We'll have a spot of breakfast and go down the market.
08:14Boiled egg?No!All right.
08:18But, Del...Yeah? Can I ask a favour?
08:22Yeah.
08:24Can I have this afternoon off?Has she booked you in for a seeing-to?
08:29No. We're having a celebratory lunch, cos, um...
08:34Well, it's my birthday. Your birthda... OH! A la brochette!
08:39I forgot all about it, didn't I?
08:42Oh, sorry. Look. Well...
08:45if it's your birthday, the answer is no. You wouldn't expect Richard Branson to want the afternoon off.
08:52HE don't know it's my birthday.
08:56Not YOUR birthday! I mean if it was HIS!Oh...
09:00He'd be too busy down the old financial fast lane.
09:05He wouldn't be out cos it's his birthday.Oh, all right, then.
09:10Course you can have the afternoon off. It's your birthday.
09:14Hey, come on. I bet you thought I'd forgot. Here you go!
09:20There's your cards look, birthday boy.
09:23That one's from Damien.
09:27Oh...bless him.
09:30Don't worry about those for a minute. Take a look at that.
09:35That is a present from me... and Raquel, of course.
09:43It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet.Yeah, I can see that.
09:49Oh, it's just like mine. See! Look at that!
09:52It's great. 24-carat gold, no rubbish. Even got your name on it.
09:59"Rooney"?
10:02No, no. No. No. That says, look, Rodney.No, that says "Rooney".
10:07There's an O where the D should be.
10:10No, no, no. That is a D. It's copperplate writing...Oh.
10:15Go on. Put it on. Put it on. Oh. Right.
10:19Come on. I don't want you getting all over-emotional on me.Right.
10:29Morning, Rodney.Hello, Raquel.
10:31What's that?
10:34It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet.
10:38..Rooney?
10:40No, that's Rodney.Looks like Rooney. That's an O, isn't it?No.
10:45D. It's copperplate writing.Looks like Rooney. Where d'you get it?
10:52It's your birthday present.
10:54..Oh. It's your birthday. Sorry. Happy birthday, Rodney.
10:59Thanks.Del chose the present. Where is he?
11:04In the kitchen. Council turned down his application for a home improvement grant.
11:10Didn't have half a million handy(?) What does he wanna do?Extend the balcony and build a double garage?
11:19No. Au contraire. I just wanted £5,000 to improve the kitchen units. See?That's fair enough.
11:27Oh, get real, Rodney. Put new units in? He just wanted the five grand.
11:33No, the council would've checked.
11:37You give them an 18-month sob story and they forget all about it.
11:42They're too busy organising carnivals and things.
11:46They turned me down. I don't wanna discuss it cos now it's EPIDEMIC.
11:52Who's the letter from, sweetheart?
11:54I dunno yet.
11:59Look at this. Gits!
12:04Morning, Damien.
12:07I've got a new hat. Dad got it for me.And it's a cracker!
12:11My dad gets me everything.
12:15D'you wanna play war?
12:19No. Um...bit busy.
12:22Come on. You've got time for a LITTLE battle.No, I'm all right.
12:27You stay there, champ. I'll get your cereal.
12:31When I'm older, will people still wear baseball caps?People will wear what you tell them to wear.Cool!
12:43Little git! >
12:47I fought for this country and how do they treat you? Ain't bloody fair, eh?
12:56Your socks look like the bomb squad's had a go at them.
13:00If that hospital gets Cassandra pregnant, I'll have two of the little sods at me.
13:06What d'you know about us and the hospital?Nothing.
13:12What's an ovum?
13:14I don't BELIEVE you... Were you listening to me and Del? I wasn't listening, I just heard.
13:22Don't worry. You know me. I'll say nothing.
13:28Left, right! Squad, atten-shun!
13:31You be careful when you go and collect your pension. There's a gang of muggers hanging about.
13:39They don't worry me, son. I boxed for the navy. They used to call my left hand Trotter's Trembler.
13:48What did they call your RIGHT hand?
13:51Eh, Rodney. Rodney. Rodney. Come on. Let's go!
13:56What's the hurry?Come on. Just let's go, Rodney.Don't you want me to load the van up?No time.
14:03I've gotta meet a bloke down the market. Get your coat on and get out of here...
14:10See you later, sweetheart! Bye, Unc!
14:13What's HE in such a hurry for? I dunno.
14:20Oh, no. Not again!
14:22RADIO-ALARMS GO OFF
14:29Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me when she gave me this medal?Yes.
14:36Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal.No.
14:42She said, "I thank you on behalf of the council
14:47"and the people of Peckham."
14:50Hello, George. Morning, Sid.
14:53What d'you fancy, Rodders? A cheese roll.One cheese roll.
14:58I still find it hard to believe. So do I!
15:02Medals for road-sweepers! Del Boy will get one for good taste next!
15:08Morning, all!Morning, Del.
15:10Thank God you've arrived! He can bore you two with it now!What?
15:16Trigger's got a medal!
15:19Oh, yeah! Where d'you find that, then, Trig?No, I was awarded it.
15:24Look. It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray.
15:30That's me.
15:32Oh, THAT'S you, is it, Trig? Right. I'm glad you cleared that up.
15:37Here. Let me have a look at that.
15:40Oh. Right. So THAT'S that Councillor Murray, is it?
15:46She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant.
15:51I was humiliated.When you have the time, you must tell me all about it.
15:57Hey, reckon some of your friends at the masonic lodge have influence in the town hall?No.
16:05I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant.
16:10And the day started off SO well.
16:13It's Councillor Murray's idea. She's head of finance and facilities at the town hall.
16:20Says local people should be rewarded for services to the community. Proud moment in my family's history.
16:27You haven't got a family history. You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory.
16:35Maybe, but I still feel proud.
16:41So what exactly is the award for? For saving the council money.
16:47I mentioned to her that I've had the same broom for the last 20 years.
16:52She was impressed and said, "Have a medal." 20 years. A long time, Dave.
16:58Yeah, I know. Two decades, innit?
17:01I wouldn't go THAT far, but it's a long time.
17:04Um, Trig, just a second.
17:08If you've had it for 20 years, have you actually swept any roads with it?
17:14Course. But I look after it well.
17:17We've an old saying, handed down by generations of road-sweepers. "Look after your broom."
17:25And your broom will look after you. No, Dave. It's just, "Look after your broom."
17:33Oh, THAT old saying.Yeah.
17:36And that's what I done. I've maintained it for 20 years.
17:41This old broom has had 17 new heads,
17:45and 14 new handles in its time.
17:53How can it be the same bloody broom?
17:56Here's a picture of it. What more proof d'you need?
18:03This has come as a bit of a shock.
18:05I haven't heard from you for years. Last time we met, I got the impression I didn't matter any more.
18:14Yeah, I understand.
18:17OK, let's meet. ..No! I'll come to you.
18:20This weekend?
18:23I'm not sure.
18:25Del? I don't know, really.
18:28I s'pose I'll have to tell him the truth. I'll give you a call.
18:33O-OK. I know you do.
18:37Course I still love you...
18:41Bye.
18:53All right, sweetheart?Yeah. What you been up to?Been down the market.
18:59I met a bloke. Done a deal about some electric doughnut makers.
19:05While I was down there, I bumped into Boycie.
19:09Told me Mike down the Nag's Head's selling tickets for a party on Saturday. Wanna go?No, not really.
19:17Oh. OK.
19:21Any phone calls?Um, no. Del... Can we talk?
19:27Of course we can.
19:29There's something I've got to tell you. I'd like to sit down. ..Go on, then.
19:36I mean BOTH of us.
19:39Oh. Right. Yeah.
19:50That letter I got this morning. It was from my mum and dad. I've just got off the phone to them.
19:58Oh...it was from your mum...
20:02Are you OK?Yes. Yeah...
20:06Course I am. I'm t'riffic.
20:08Oh, dear! I didn't know you had a mum and dad.
20:13..What I MEANT was that... you'd never mentioned them before.
20:18Years ago, we had a big bust-up. I told them I wanted to go into show business, to be a dancer, act...
20:25My dad, he's a bit old-fashioned.
20:28He said some nasty things. You can imagine. So I stormed out.
20:33Went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them. Until now.
20:38They've been phoning for two weeks but just got an answering machine.
20:43A lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on answer machines.
20:49No, they left lots, but the rotten machine wouldn't record them.
20:53Oh, dear...! I dunno what's wrong with this machine.
20:59I reckon some of the electronic circuitry needs adjusting. ..There.
21:05So I phoned them.
21:07We had a nice chat.
21:10They seemed different. Sort of...understanding.
21:14I cried.
21:16Hey, hey, hey.
21:19It's all right. It's all right. Come on, sweetheart.
21:23My mum said they missed me. My dad said he loved me.
21:28Oh, well...come on, that is lovely jubbly, innit?
21:32I told them about Damien.
21:35Yeah?They were pleased. Seemed really excited they had a grandson.
21:41Told them all about him. All the little things he does.
21:47Did you...you know, tell 'em about me?
21:52I mentioned you.
21:56Did you, um, tell them what I did?
22:00No, there wasn't time.
22:02They just wanted to know about Damie. Oh, yeah. Course. That's all right.
22:09They mentioned going up there at the weekend. They want to meet him. Well, we'll pop up, shall we?Yeah.
22:18The thing is... Well... See, my dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy, and he hasn't been well recently.
22:25God, this bloody thing!
22:28And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him.
22:33So I don't want to offend you... That's the last time that I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson!
22:42Right, then. The weekend.
22:44Oh, Mont Blanc!
22:47Oh, no, I can't go on Saturday.
22:50Gotta go up to Covent Garden, pick up a van-load of aubergines.Oh!
22:55..Aw-w-w.
22:57And they were really looking forward to meeting you as well. Never mind.
23:02All right, sweetheart, why don't you and Damie go?
23:07Take the Capri Ghia and let 'em see that their little girl has done all right.
23:14Thanks, Del. I DO love you. Yeah, I know.
23:19I'm that sort of bloke, really.
23:24Anyway, what does your dad do?
23:27He's an antique dealer.IS he?
23:29Now, that's interesting.
23:32In the garage...I'm not taking anything with me!All right, then.
23:37Just a thought, that was all. Go on, darling. Build a few bridges.
23:42I'll try. I'll make you a coffee. Yeah, that'll be lovely.
23:57Mum was crying.Oh. What's that, champ?
24:01Mum was crying.Oh, was she? Oh, dear. Come and sit here.
24:06Women DO that, you know. You'll learn that when you get a bit older.
24:11On Saturday, you're gonna see your nan and your granddad.
24:16But I ain't got a nan and granddad. Yes, you have now.Did YOU get 'em for me?No, they're Mum's.
24:24They'll make a right fuss of you.
24:27They'll love you! Cos they're lovely people. What are they called?Hmm? Um...
24:34Um...
24:37Nan and Granddad.
24:40Did you feed Roger?Yeah, I chucked a carrot in earlier.Good.
24:50Don't worry!I'm not. It's only once tonight.
24:55Right.
24:57At least, I THINK it is.
24:59SOFT BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS
25:06Just the once.Look at TUESDAY!
25:13Happy birthday again.Thank you.
25:17Oh, leave off, Cass.
25:19Sorry...ROONEY.
25:22Del's the only bloke who can buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to a dyslexic engraver.
25:30You got lots of NICE presents as well.Yes, I did.
25:35I spoke to Mummy today. She said, as a special birthday present to you, we should fly to the villa next week.
25:42Del hasn't given you a holiday since... He hasn't given you a holiday. It might help.
25:49Sangria, warm evenings...
25:52Sounds good, doesn't it? ..Hold on, what about the rabbit?
25:57Couldn't Del take it?He'd eat it!
26:00Aren't there any kennels that look after rabbits? Like a cattery, but a rabbitry.
26:07A RABBITRY? That's a Chinese toilet.
26:12Couldn't your mum and dad take him? They'll be at the villa.
26:16They'll be there as WELL?! Where are we meant to...relax and stick to the schedule with them there?
26:23I've figured it out, Rodney. We won't do it in front of them(!)
26:30When we want to...you know, relax,
26:33we'll go to our bedroom. What d'you think?
26:36They'll be in the room next to us!
26:39I mean...what about all the panting and the screaming and "Yes, yes, yes"?
26:45You'll just have to control yourself.
26:48No, it'd never work.
26:51I can't leave Del. Business ain't going well.Go on, there are seats on the Thursday morning flight.
26:59I can't, Cass. Del needs me here.
27:02YOU go.
27:04You don't mind?Of course I don't.
27:07A rest would do us...do you good.
27:12We'll have to put our schedule on ice for a week.I'm afraid so.
27:20Got tickets for Saturday's party? BOTH GRUNT
27:25I can tell you're looking forward to it(!)
27:30Here, Boycie, you and Marlene fancy something nice to eat? Yeah, I do.
27:36Shall we pop down the Harvester(?) BOYCIE CACKLES
27:43I don't get much trade, but I DO have a good laugh(!)
27:48'Ere, Trig! D'you fancy a ticket? Tenner each. Right-o, mate.
27:54What d'you mean? You don't even know what they're for. It'll say on the ticket.
28:02I didn't think of that.
28:05'Ere, d'you know, Trig, every year, us publicans hold a fancy dress ball.
28:10Prizes, the lot. This year, it's old Harry Malcolm's turn - the guvnor at the Crown and Anchor.
28:17He's holding the party at his house.
28:20First prize is a brand-new stereo worth over £1,000. Only got a suit and my best jumper.
28:28Perfect.
28:31Did I tell you about my medal? Three times yesterday and twice this morning!
28:37Did I tell you, Marlene? You faxed us last night.
28:46All right, mate? Wotcha, sweetheart? Whay-hey!
28:51MARLENE: Stop it! Honestly!
28:53Cassandra get off all right, then? Yeah, just back from the airport. And Raquel's away too.
29:00I bet you two will be out gallivanting Saturday night.No.
29:05A mug of Bournvita, plate of toast and Match Of The Day, eh, Rodders? Heaven.That's nice!
29:12..ROONEY?
29:14No, that is RODNEY.
29:17It's not an O. It LOOKS like an O, but it's copperplate writing.
29:23See?Oh.
29:25It's quiet today, innit?Yeah.
29:28More life in one of HIS meat pies. Give us a drink, Michael.
29:33A lager-top for Rodney and I'll have...a Bailey's and Cherryade.
29:39Del, d'you fancy something to eat?
29:43A nice plate of beef stew?
29:45I'll have some of that.
29:48Watch the old beef.Shut up, you brass!Dunno why you're worried. I've eaten British beef all my life.
30:03Egg and chips, please, mate.
30:05What d'you want?Something that was fresh this morning.
30:10Give him a Daily Mirror.
30:14Del Boy. All right, Del Boy? Any luck. Yes, loads of it, Denzil. All bad.
30:21I bumped into Paddy the Greek.
30:23Remember those 9-carat...?
30:2624-carat gold bracelets I've been selling? They've been deported...
30:34Why d'you trust him with all that gold?He told me he was an exporter.
30:39Ex-PORTER. He'd just had the sack from British Rail!
30:48Life's one long struggle, innit?Mm.
30:51I feel a bit like that King Farouk, trying to hold back the tide.
30:56I've got a kid to look after now. It's Canute.You can say that again.
31:03Wanna buy a ticket for a publican's ball?Left or right?
31:10Your loss.I've GOT to go. The host is a fellow mason.
31:16Last year's do was a good laugh. Didn't it end in a punch-up?
31:21Yes, but during the struggle, Marlene got a whack in the nose.
31:26And you did nothing about it.How could I? You threw the first punch.
31:32Were you injured? Her make-up cushioned the blow.
31:39Hey, I've just remembered. I was to take Cassie's specimen to the clinic this morning.
31:47I've left it in your kitchen. Take it tomorrow.
31:51No, you don't understand. It mustn't be left in direct sunlight.
31:57You need a cool, dark spot where it won't be disturbed.Boycie's pants.
32:08Everything's fine, Raquel. Although there's no food in the fridge.
32:13Not complaining. Have a nice time. DOOR SLAMS
32:18Hold on. Hold on. I think Del's back.
32:20Del Boy!! ..Sorry.
32:23It's Raquel on the phone.Right. OK.
32:25I'll take it in the bedroom. He's gonna take it in the bedroom. See you soon. Bye.
32:34Your Cassandra will be there by now. She'll have landed about an hour...
32:39Bloody Rooney!
32:42I dunno why you wear an ID bracelet.
32:44Real men didn't wear 'em in my day. You wore them dog tags.
32:49That was an ID necklace. Different.
32:52I don't really wanna wear this but I don't wanna hurt Del's feelings.
32:57I understand, boy. During the war...
33:01God...!
33:03..my mate had the same problem.
33:05His mother bought him a gold watch and he hated it. Didn't wanna hurt her feelings.So what did he do?
33:13He flashed it about in the Portsmouth pubs.
33:17On the way back to his ship he got mugged. Problem solved. That was a good idea(!)
33:23A lot of muggings going on round here.I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option.
33:31No, I'll just have to tell him.
33:34Be gentle, though.
33:39Look, Del. Um...
33:42about this thing you gave me for me birthday.A beauty, innit?
33:46Oh. Um... Well, yeah, but... Um...the thing is...
33:51Raquel and Damie are really having a nice time. Getting on well with her mum and dad.That's good!
33:59Well, you didn't fancy going to meet your common-law in-laws?
34:04Well, to be honest, yes, I did.
34:07But Raquel didn't want me to go.
34:10What, she TOLD you?..Yeah, I know.
34:14No, you see, she was having a difficult time telling me, and...
34:20I made up an excuse and let her off the hook.
34:24I think that she thought I might embarrass her.Yeah.
34:31Oh, what d'you mean?! That's silly!
34:35How could you possibly embarrass her?That's whatIthought.
34:40I tell you what, did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer?
34:45Thought I'd let him have a look at that Jacobean cine-camera we've got in the garage. So, the bracelet...?
34:54Oh, no. Nothing. I'm...well pleased with it.That's it.
34:59You'll never forget your name now, will you?
35:03Raquel goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles.
35:08Nothing in the fridge and that apple juice is horrible!
35:17He's a moaning old git, ain't he?
35:23Apple juice? What apple juice is that?
35:29Cassandra's specimen's gone.
35:45I don't believe him! What am I gonna tell Cassandra?
35:50All right, you tell her that, um...
35:53you spilt it in the van when you went round the corner.
35:57No, I can't lie to her, Del. Tell her Uncle Albert drank it! I can't tell her that, can I?!
36:05It's just one thing after another.
36:08Rodney, we've gotta get out of here.
36:11How d'you mean?I've been thinking.
36:14Now that Cassandra's away in foreign climes and Raquel's off on her toes to Milton Keynes,
36:21you know what tomorrow is, don't you? It's the publican's ball.
36:26So while the mice are away, the cats could go out and play.
36:31Be like the old days, Rodders.
36:34We aren't gonna be pulling birds, are we?We never pulled any in the old days!
36:41What chance have we got now?
36:43Come on, eh? What d'you say?Well, it's just a bit of harmless fun.
36:49Well, of course it is! Couple of hours. Sausage roll and a grin.
36:54I tell you what...
36:57First prize is only a stereo system worth £1,000.
37:01What do they give prizes for?
37:04For the best fancy dress. Fancy dress?!
37:08Hold on, I ain't going out dressed up like some...Come on, Rodney!
37:14We'll just pop down the high street, get ourselves a couple of costumes.
37:19I need your help to win this prize.
37:22You're the one with the GCEs in art.
37:25You've got the flair and imagination.Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now?
37:32I'm imagining since you knew Raquel was going away, you've been planning on going all along.
37:41How dare you!
37:44If only your mother could hear you.
37:47Is that what you REALLY think of me?
37:50My child and my wife have gone away for a demanding, draining weekend,
37:57and all you can think of is, "Del Boy can go out for a jolly-up".
38:02That's what you think of Del Boy?
38:04Shallow as a worm's grave.
38:13No-o. You know, I just thought it was...
38:17It just seemed a bit... No, no. Don't!
38:23I'm bleeding.
38:27All right.
38:29I'm sorry, then.
38:34All right. Your apology is accepted.
38:38Oh, hold on. This do is an all-ticket affair.
38:42I know. I got us a couple as we were leaving.Ace.
38:49I feel stupid! Dunno how we got out of the estate without being seen.
38:55We'll be there in a minute.But we gotta get home dressed like this.
39:00Who's gonna see us at five in the morning?Yeah...
39:04Five in the morning?! You said we was going for a couple of hours!
39:09But you get involved, don't you? LOUD BANGS
39:14What's happening?
39:17There must be something wrong. I wish I was mechanically-minded like you(!)Oh, very funny!
39:24I'll open the bonnet. You have a look at the engine.Not like this!
39:29YOU have a look! It's your van!
39:32You tart, Rodney!
39:57HE SIGHS HEAVILY
40:00(D'you see anything?)No. It's right dark in here.
40:16What you looking for?Trying to see if petrol's coming through to the carburettor.
40:25You IDIOT!!
40:27What?You'll blow us to kingdom come!
40:31Oh, don't be daft! There's no petrol coming through.
40:36That's why we've broken down.
40:44Will you get back inside the van?!
40:46I don't want people seeing you like that!
40:50You look like a right wally! Get in.
40:55CLOCK CHIMES
41:01DEL SIGHS
41:04Well, what are we gonna do now, eh?
41:07I don't know, Derek.
41:10We are in the middle of Peckham at 10.30, dressed as Batman and Robin.
41:15It was YOU who chose these costumes. I wanted to be the Blues Brothers.
41:20We'd have still broken down, and be in this embarrassing situation.
41:25Oh, yeah. Yeah, we'd have been wearing suits and ties.
41:31We'd have never have won first prize as the Blues Brothers.
41:37No, but at least we could've walked home.
41:41Just shut up and try to think of a way out of this.All right. Let's think about it.
41:52Ah!
41:56We phone the RAC.
41:58Yes!!
42:00We ask to get put through to the "broken down, worst-dressed as a couple of prats" department.
42:10All right, then, the police.
42:13Leave it out! We'd never live it down. Our lives would be hell.
42:19We'd have to HEMI-GRATE.Doesn't sound like a bad alternative.
42:27Pubs'll be closing. They'll tear us to shreds!
42:31You know what?
42:34Harry's place is nearer than our places.
42:39We could be there in five minutes, if we ran.We'll be seen!
42:44No, we won't! All the streets are empty, look, ain't they? At the moment.
42:51But the second I step from this van, a thousand people'll pour out of...
42:57a place where a thousand people are.
43:02No. Not if we go through the back streets and the back alleys.
43:07The only people there are the winos and the crack-heads. And they see Batman and Robin EVERY night!
43:15Five minutes?
43:18Five minutes. That's all. We run.
43:25Jeez...
43:31I'm going now, Tom.
43:34TOM: I'll see you out.
43:37Goodnight, Councillor Murray. Goodnight, Tom.
43:45DOG BARKS
43:54SOMEONE IS RUNNING
43:58- Seen a policeman round here? - No. - Good. Give us your money.
44:05What are you doing? TOM!
44:09HELP! Someone shut her up!
44:12Get her briefcase! >
44:14Gary!
44:20- What's happening? - No idea...
44:31GO!!
44:51Councillor Murray?
44:54Yes.I recognised you from your photograph.
44:57Derek Trotter. You may remember me.
45:00I wrote to you some time ago about a...Del!
45:05Let's go!Yeah... Sorry, must dash.
45:10Duty calls.
45:23DOORBELL RINGS
45:29Oh, Boycie! Let us in, will you?
45:36What have you two come as, then?
45:39Batman and Robin.
45:42Look, ignore him, Rodney. Just ignore him! Oh, dear!
45:47Where IS everyone? Through there, Caped Crusader.
45:51You ain't gonna win dressed like that.
45:55D'you see that, Rodders? WE have come as Batman and Robin!
46:01Boycie's come as the Penguin.
46:05Oh, no, Del Boy. Not the Penguin.
46:08More like the Joker.
46:12LOW BUZZ OF CONVERSATION Mike from the Nag's Head.
46:16Listen, I was really cut up when I heard about your dad. Your husband.
46:22Still, at least he didn't suffer.
46:25And he'd have been well chuffed to see everyone turn up for his wake like this.
46:31SINGING BATMAN THEME TUNE
46:40Derek.Hmm?
46:43Harry died yesterday.
46:45Harry...
46:47Harry died? SHE SOBS LOUDLY
46:54Why didn't you tell us that out there, instead of letting us... come in here like that?!
47:01We was going#Da da-da da da-da da-da#and everything!Slipped my mind. Strange what grief does.
47:09CACKLES LOUDLY
47:14Del, dunno if you remember me. Kenny.
47:17Harry's son.
47:19Yes! Yes... Course I remember you.
47:22I phoned round everyone to tell them the party was off. Left four or five messages on your answering machine.
47:30The machine's playing up a bit.
47:32I'm gonna throw that...bloody machine away when we get home!
47:37I am REALLY sorry.Don't be silly. The old man's most likely having a good laugh at us. You'll stay?
47:45Um...
47:47Yeah, of course. Of course we're gonna stay.Get yourself a drink.
47:53All right. Cheers.
47:57OK, then.
48:08Beer there, Denz?
48:11Didn't you know Harry had died?
48:17Yes, of course we knew Harry had died. That's why we came dressed as Batman and...thingy!Robin.Yes.
48:27I suppose the prize-giving's off now, is it?All that for nothing!
48:32All right, Del? Dave?
48:36A real choker, Harry popping off.We didn't know the fancy-dress party had been cancelled.Me neither.
48:47You mean...that's your costume?
48:50Yeah. I came as a chauffeur.
48:53I feel a bit stupid now.
48:59Now you come to mention it, you DO stand out a bit!
49:03I'm gonna cheer up the widow. I'll leave him to you.
49:08I don't think you and Del would've won first prize.No?No.
49:14YOU'RE all right, but Del don't look nothing like Tonto.
49:23'Ere they are! 'Ere they are, look!
49:25Aerodynamically-designed cycle helmets as worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan. Beautiful!
49:33No? Well, what else have we here?
49:35Look at this. Baseball caps, straight from LA,
49:40as worn by MC Hammer. Oh, yes!
49:43Here you are. Buy one for your kid for Xmas. Lovely in his stocking.
49:48Right. What else have we got?
49:51Ah, yes!
49:53We've got the unisex baseball caps.
49:56Look at that! Buy one for your son! One for your daughter!
50:00Have you got the time?
50:04Del.Yeah. ..What's up? Have a look.
50:08Hey!
50:10Hoi! What's your game?!
50:13Rodney, get after 'em! Go on!
50:18Oh...
50:20Hey, are you all right, darlin'?
50:22Little buggers nicked me handbag, son.
50:27Me bloody arse is hurting as well.
50:29Don't worry. You just take it easy.
50:32Someone call an ambulance for her. Also call the police.
50:37Hey! You! Hoi!!
51:23Bloody Rodney!
51:28DEL GASPS FOR BREATH
52:20Oh...Gordon Bennett!
52:44Ooh. Woops-a-daisy(!) APPROACHING SIREN
52:49We read and we hear about so-called "have a go" heroes but we rarely have the honour of meeting one.
52:56I'm proud to say that in Peckham we have our very own "have a go" hero.
53:02It is my great honour and privilege to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter.
53:17It's Batman!
53:20Mr Trotter. Could I have a couple of pictures?Ooh, mange tout. Yes.
53:26(How come YOU got a medal? I did all the running.)But you were running AWAY from him. Excuse me.
53:37I was NOT running away from him, actually. I was...just...luring him.
53:43You weren't half luring him fast! You shot past like Linford Christie.
53:49Minus that poodle he keeps down his shorts.Mind out the way, sir.
53:55Yes, mind out the way, Rod. You're casting a shadow on the hero.
53:59Thank you.
54:02WHIRR OF CAMERA
54:07Why didn't YOU get a medal?Eh?
54:10No, they offered me one, but, um...
54:13I said I wanted to remain anonymous.
54:16Oh...
54:20Mr Trotter.Excuse me. Councillor Murray.
54:24We met the night you were dressed as Batman.
54:29..Yes, of course.
54:31I've never been so frightened in my life.It was only a costume.
54:36..No. I mean terrified of that awful gang of muggers.Oh, I see.
54:41They're behind bars, thanks to you. Don't mention it.If ever there's anything I can do for you...Thanks.
54:50..Councillor Murray!
54:52Um...
54:54As a matter of fact, there IS a little something that you might be able to help me out with.
55:01Could we have a little chat? Of course. Come this way...Cushty.
55:08Well, we're gonna have to cut this one out for the family album!
55:13A Trotter never won a medal before. ..Albert's won three or four dozen.
55:18Why did they use the word "man"?
55:21Why didn't they say "men"? Rodney was there too.
55:27They DO mention him!
55:30"Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney."
55:36You see! It's bloody ROONEY!
55:41Come on, then, ladies and gentlemen. Charge your glasses.
55:46I have got something to say on this auspicious occasion.
55:52Not only am I the only Trotter to win a medal without getting wet,
55:58but this is a double celebration.
56:01You told them?I never. How d'you find out?
56:05- What? - You don't know? - No.
56:09Ah. Well, in that case, let me just say that if, in the near future,
56:14anybody wants to buy Cassandra and I some Mothercare vouchers,
56:19they will come in bloody handy.
56:22Oh, YES, MY SON!
56:24WE have SCORED!It was a BEAUTY!
56:27# It's comin' home It's comin' home, it's comin'... #
56:33I don't believe it! # FOOTBALL'S COMIN' HOME! #
56:37Well done!I'm pleased for you. I know you've been through hell...
56:47How about that? A cousin for Damien to play with.
56:52Yeah...
56:54You said this was a double celebration before you found out about Cassandra.
57:00Oh, that's right. Then it's a treble celebration!
57:05You know that I was turned down for my home improvement grant?
57:10They've sent me a cheque for £5,000.
57:14They've sent you £5,000? What can't speak can't lie.
57:18Signed by Councillor Murray.
57:22It's not a bad old world, is it, bruv?
57:26It's getting better all the time.
57:28Lovely jubbly!
57:37# We've got some half-price crack ties
57:39# Miles and miles of carpet tiles TVs, deep freezes, David Bowie LPs
57:43# Ball games, gold chains...
57:46# Trevor Francis tracksuits From a moosh in Shepherd's Bush
57:52# No income tax, no VAT
57:55# No money back, no guarantee
57:58# Black or white, rich or broke
58:01# We'll cut prices at a stroke
58:06# God bless Hookey Street
58:09# Viva Hookey Street!
58:12# Long live Hookey Street!
58:15# C'est magnifique! Hookey Street! #
58:18Subtitles by Valerie Maguire BBC Scotland, 1996