Only Fools and Horses S00E16 — Modern Men

Every line from “Modern Men” (1320 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La, la, la, la
00:34♫ La, la, la, la, la
00:36♫ La, la, la, la
00:38♫ La, la, la, la, la
00:40♫ La, la, la, la
00:41- All right, son?
00:42Looking forward to tonight down the pub?
00:44- Yeah, yeah.
00:45I don't want a big thing made of it, you know?
00:48I mean, me and Cassandra are having a baby, that's all.
00:50- Yeah, but you know what Del's like.
00:52Any excuse for a celebration.
00:55You don't think Del would mind if I borrowed
00:56some of his after shave, do you?
00:58- What do you want to use his after shave for?
00:59You've got Epping bloody forest growing around your chin.
01:02(audience laughing)
01:05- I just wanted to smell nice, that's all.
01:07- Well, in that case, don't use Del's after shave.
01:11- Oh, there you are, Rodders, I didn't hear you arrive.
01:14Help yourself to a dry roasted.
01:15Where's Cassandra, then?
01:17- Raquel wanted to show her something in the bedroom.
01:19- It's them baby clothes she's got for ya.
01:21- Oh, she shouldn't have done that.
01:23- No, that's all right,
01:24they're some of Damien's old clothes.
01:25(audience laughing)
01:28Suit your nipper a treat, they will.
01:30- Oh, yeah.
01:31Well, I'll just go and get meself a beer.
01:33- If it's a boy, do you reckon it'll look like Rodney?
01:36- It don't matter, as long as it's healthy.
01:38(audience laughing)
01:42Now, I know what Raquel's doing,
01:44she's showing Cassandra some of them new clothes
01:46I bought her.
01:47- New clothes?
01:48It's not her birthday, is it?
01:50- No, no, no, no, it's not her birthday.
01:52And they're not new clothes, they're as good as.
01:57And it means I've done me bit for charity.
02:02Ah, Rodders, there you are.
02:03Have you seen this?
02:04Look, it's my book, "Modern Man."
02:06It's brilliant, it is.
02:07No, you see, it says here,
02:09"You shouldn't wait for a special occasion
02:11"to give your loved one a present.
02:12"Arrive home with a little surprise any day of the week,
02:16"and help keep your relationship exciting."
02:18That's what I've done, I've done that, you know.
02:21It says, "Your partner should never have to
02:23"seek attention from you.
02:25"A compliment is the easiest thing to give,
02:27"and the nicest thing to receive."
02:29Ha, no, it's obvious when you come to think about it.
02:31I mean, it's far easier to say something nice
02:33then to say something nasty, huh?
02:35- Ta-da!
02:36Well?
02:37- Yes, very well, thank you, darling, yes.
02:38(audience laughing)
02:41- Oh, good.
02:43- You look lovely, Raquel.
02:44- Thank you very much, Albert.
02:46- Yes, you look very nice, Raquel.
02:47(slapping)
02:50- Thank you.
02:51Wait till you see this.
02:54- And you look lovely, Cassandra.
02:55- Thank you, Albert.
02:57- Cassan, oh, there you are, sweetheart.
02:58(laughing) Well, how's my little nephew?
03:00- Wee! - Get off!
03:02- Well?
03:04What do you think?
03:05- Oh, well, it's a bit difficult, Raquel.
03:08You see, Rodney and I are both opposed to the fur trade.
03:11- Yes, I think what Cassie's trying to say is,
03:13we both think it look better on the animal.
03:18Whatever that was.
03:20- Isn't it marvelous?
03:21Del buys Raquel a coat, and you two have a pop at her.
03:25- Del bought it?
03:26I'm sorry, Raquel, I thought it was real.
03:29(audience laughing)
03:32- No, no, no, no, no, dopey, no.
03:36That's stimulated fur there.
03:40- Sorry, I didn't realize.
03:41- Yeah, well, there you go.
03:42Right, I'll tell you what we're gonna do, then.
03:44Now, 'cause little Damien's downstairs with the babysitter,
03:48we're gonna have a couple of glasses
03:49of the old champagne here,
03:51and then it's down to the Nag's Head
03:52for some decent celebrations, all right?
03:55Right, now, oh, you are on the orange juice, all right?
03:58- Yes, thank you, doctor.
04:00- It's all right, all part of the service.
04:09- Del? - Yes?
04:10- I feel a bit embarrassed.
04:11- Oh, you don't need to, I mean,
04:13you got a tie, and a suit, full Monty.
04:15- I didn't mean that.
04:16I meant, I only got 20 quid on me.
04:20- Go on, what have you done with your wages?
04:22- This is me wages.
04:25- Oh, that's right, I remember.
04:26We've had a bit of a hard week, bruv, didn't we?
04:28- I know, I was there. - Yeah.
04:32(audience laughing)
04:37- Well, I'm even worse off than you.
04:38I spent all my money on Raquel's dress.
04:41Still, don't matter,
04:42tonight's festivities we can put on the slate.
04:45- Do you reckon Mike'll stand it?
04:46- Yeah, of course he will, he's a diamond, that boy.
04:48An absolute diamond.
04:49- Well, I hope you're right.
04:50And, oi, when are you gonna say something nice to Raquel?
04:54I mean, she got herself all done up,
04:55you haven't said a word!
04:56- Well, I was reading me book, wasn't I?
04:59All right, all right, don't worry.
05:01I'll figure something nice to say, you're quite right.
05:03Come on, let's go.
05:04All right, come on, then, girls.
05:05Ladies and gentlemen, time to celebrate.
05:08Go on, Rodney, there, you've got the girls.
05:10Here you are, Albert, this is yours.
05:12- Oh, I don't believe it!
05:13- What's that?
05:14- You see this girl here?
05:16I worked with her years ago when I was in show business.
05:18She was just a kid then.
05:20Look at her now,
05:21she's about to appear in a new James Bond film.
05:23- Ooh, Pierce Brosnan.
05:25- Oh, now, you don't need Pierce Brosnan, dear,
05:27you've got me. - Yeah.
05:30- Haven't I just.
05:33- I'll tell you what, Raquel,
05:34if she could be in a James Bond film, so could you.
05:37- Oh, shut up.
05:39- No, darling, no, you could.
05:40- Don't be silly.
05:41- No, I'm serious, look at her!
05:44She's a dog.
05:46(audience laughing)
05:57(upbeat piano music)
06:07- So there's a G and T for Raquel,
06:10Tequila Slammer for Rodney, orange juice for Cassandra.
06:14Oh, by the way, that Indian bloke,
06:16Dr. Singh, was in earlier.
06:18He wanted to talk to you,
06:19something about some paint you sold him.
06:21- Oh, really?
06:21Was he really?
06:22- Seemed very anxious to speak to you, Del.
06:24Have you got problems, mate?
06:25- No, no, just a minor misunderstanding,
06:27nothing that can't be sorted out with a civilized chat.
06:31If he calls in again, Mike, would you tell him
06:32I've gone to live in New Zealand?
06:34(audience laughing)
06:35- I think I can remember that.
06:37Here, have Rodney and Cassandra thought of a name
06:39for the baby yet?
06:40- Oh, no, not yet, no, no, no.
06:41No, it's early days, you know.
06:42I mean, she's only a just little bit pregnant.
06:44Still a long way to go.
06:47- Still, shows Rodney got the hang of it in the end.
06:49- Oh, he's a Trotter all right.
06:52We don't stop till the job's finished.
06:56Right, now then, what have we got here?
06:58We've got a Harvey Wallbanger for me,
07:00that's a cognac for Boycie,
07:02vodka and lime, that's for Marlene,
07:04a Cubre Libre, that's for Denzil,
07:06rum and black crown for Bobby Crush over there.
07:11Scotches for the market lads,
07:12a pint of diesel for Trigger,
07:14and, oh, Mickey, what do you and your boys want?
07:17- Canadian Clubs all round, Del, cheers.
07:19- Canadian Clubs all round over there,
07:21and have one yourself, Michael.
07:23- Cheers, Del. - Cheers.
07:24- Call it 25 quid for cash.
07:26- Okay, right, okay, put it on the slate.
07:28- No, no, there's no more slate, Del.
07:30- What?
07:30- I've had a visit from the brewery.
07:32- Oh, all right.
07:35Okay, look, there's a fiver, and, oh dear,
07:38would you Adam and Eve it?
07:40I've only gone and left me wallet at home.
07:43I remember now, Damien was playing with it.
07:45I was teaching him financial management, you know?
07:47How to avoid expensive pubs, that sort of thing.
07:50- I'll sell them to someone else, then, Del.
07:52- No, you can't, these are secondhand.
07:53- Yeah, I'll sell them cheap, then.
07:55- All right, I'll give you a fiver for them now.
07:57- Look, Del, it's not my fault, it's the brewery.
08:00They've brought in this revolutionary new rule,
08:02from now on, customers have to pay for their drinks.
08:06- I hate all these newfangled ideas.
08:09Hang about, don't go away.
08:15I've managed to lay my hands on these
08:16radically new-designed hair dryers, all right?
08:20Now, normally they retail at 69.99 up in Regents Street.
08:25But, for you, 15 nicker.
08:28- Del, look at my hair.
08:30What do I want with one of them?
08:32I've only gotta stick me head out the window for 10 seconds
08:34and it's bone dry.
08:36- You see, this is different because this, you see that,
08:38that has got what they call a volumizer on it.
08:41You see, that gives all your hair body and everything.
08:44- Oh, so I could end up looking like Lily Savage.
08:48Very tempting, Del.
08:51- Go on, I'm giving it to you, Michael, ain't I, hey?
08:5515 nicker, come on, mate.
08:58- Go on, then, gives it here.
08:59But you still owe me a tenner.
09:01- Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
09:02I tell you what, you're a bit of a gambling man, ain't ya?
09:05I tell you what, I'll have a little bet with ya, right?
09:08Double or quits, okay?
09:10Now, thing is, if I win, I give you this fiver
09:14for this round of drinks.
09:15But if you win, I owe you a tenner.
09:19- You already owe me a tenner.
09:21- You've got nothing to lose, then, have you, eh?
09:23Right.
09:24Trig, just a minute.
09:25You'll like this, Trig, watch this.
09:27Little bet we're having here.
09:29Okay, then, Mike, I bet if you put your hands out
09:33in front of you, I can make you turn them over
09:35without touching them.
09:36- You can make me turn me hands over without touching them?
09:39- Exactly, it's called the power of positive thought.
09:42All right, off you go, put your hands out in front of you.
09:46No, the other way.
09:50See, I knew it.
09:52(audience laughing)
09:55All right, here we go, come on.
09:57Help yourselves, get in here.
09:58- Now I have been in the motor trade for many years now,
10:02and until recently I never thought of the damage
10:04fumes do to our world.
10:06Now, let me explain to you my theory--
10:08- Hey, Mike, the same again, please, will ya?
10:10- Just allow me to continue, will you, now?
10:13This is my theory.
10:15The future holds the key to all our success.
10:20- Well, you better not tell Raquel's dad that.
10:22He's an antique's dealer.
10:25- Now, recently, I have invested a lot of money
10:28in electric cars.
10:30- Yeah, he bought Tyler a Scalextric set.
10:34- I'm not talking about model bloody racing cars,
10:37for God's sake!
10:39- Oh, hey, Rodney, come on, get up, it's your round.
10:44- If it's the same as the last round,
10:45it'll be 25 quid.
10:47- 25?
10:49Mike? - No.
10:51- Right.
10:52- All right, Dave?
10:55- Hello, Trig.
10:56- I can make you turn your hands over without touching ya.
11:01- Hey?
11:01- I can make you turn your hands over without touching ya.
11:05Go on, hold them out.
11:07(sighing)
11:10No, the other way.
11:12See?
11:14There you go, Dave.
11:15(audience laughing)
11:26- Very nice, very nice.
11:28- Yes, congratulations, Albert.
11:30It reminded me of the theme track from Noddy the Movie.
11:33(audience laughing)
11:36- You have it?
11:38- Hey, Boycie's right about one thing, though.
11:40I mean, you and Rodney should be thinking about
11:41your children's future, you know what I'm saying?
11:43- You gotta send them to private school.
11:46- Oh, leave it out, Boycie,
11:47we can't afford to send our kids to private.
11:50Anyway, oi, another round, please, Mike.
11:52Come on, Boycie, your turn.
11:54- Our Tyler's been private since he was three.
11:56He's seven now and he can almost write his name.
12:00(audience laughing)
12:02- Can he really? - Yeah.
12:03- Cool.
12:04Yeah, darling, perhaps we ought to scrimp and save
12:06and send little Damien private next year.
12:08- I ain't sending my child private.
12:10There's nothing wrong with state education.
12:11- Oh, well, I'm not sending Damien to our old school,
12:14Dockside Secondary Modern.
12:16- Ooh, that was a tough, old place.
12:19- Yeah, you see, Rodney, we didn't stand a chance
12:20of a decent education because of the size of the classes.
12:23- That is right. - 50, 60 to a class.
12:26- No! - You're exaggerating.
12:27- No.
12:28- Your classes weren't that big.
12:29- No, by the time the teacher
12:30had finished reading the register, it was dinnertime.
12:34- You could tell the caliber of our school, too,
12:36by the head boy.
12:37- Who was it? - Trigger.
12:39(everyone laughing)
12:42- Did you call, Del?
12:43- Ah, there you are, Trig.
12:44No, no, we was just, you know,
12:45we was just talking about our old school.
12:47-[Trigger] Oh, right.
12:48- No, come on, let's ask Trig.
12:49You guys stay quiet, right, no prompting.
12:51Trigger, did you have big classes in your old school?
12:55- No, not very big.
12:56- There, see?
12:57- High ceilings, though.
13:00-[Del] Oh, yeah.
13:01- And a few low ones, remember your accident?
13:05- Oh, yeah.
13:06- Yeah, Trig was walking through one of the corridors,
13:08and he smacked right into a "Mind Your Head" sign.
13:12- Gave him a right clout.
13:13His family sued the education authorities for brain damage.
13:16- Yeah, judge awarded him seven pound fifty.
13:19(everyone laughing)
13:21- How'd you walk into a "Mind Your Head" sign?
13:23Didn't you see it?
13:25- Of course I saw it.
13:26But in those days, I couldn't read.
13:29(audience laughing)
13:32- Anyone gonna collect these drinks or what?
13:34- Yeah, I'll get them.
13:35Come on, Boycie, help out.
13:36- Yeah, I want change. - Sure.
13:40- Rodney, congratulations, mate.
13:42- Thanks, Mickey.
13:44- Yeah, I was down Sid's Caff yesterday,
13:46and that Dr. Singh came in looking for Del Boy.
13:48- Did he?
13:49- Yeah, he struck me as an angry man.
13:51What's it all about?
13:53- Something to do with some paint and his surgery.
13:56I mean, at the end of the day, it's not my problem, is it?
13:58I just work for Del.
13:59- Yeah, yeah, but that's just it.
14:01I mean, you're just an employee.
14:03You just follow orders.
14:04You pick things up, you put things down,
14:06you pick things up again.
14:08- Well, yeah, but I do think for meself.
14:10- It's hardly a job requirement, is it?
14:13I mean, I started a new job last month.
14:15Good money, company car, the lot,
14:18and it's not a fly-by-night firm.
14:20They're suing Panorama.
14:24- What are you, a double-glazing salesman?
14:26- No, I am not.
14:29Although it is to do with glass.
14:30- What, windows?
14:31- Not windows, solar windows.
14:34I mean, it's a whole new concept in user-friendly heating.
14:38- You're a salesman.
14:39- No, look, I'm more like a scientist.
14:43- It's double-glazing, isn't it?
14:45- No, no, no, look, I mean, fair enough,
14:48it does involve two panes of glass,
14:49but it's not glazing.
14:52I mean, this company's very profile-conscious
14:54and customer-driven.
14:55Hey, I'm executive of area perspective and overview.
14:59And, I'm recruiting new staff.
15:01I'm doing interviews every Mondays at Burger Kings.
15:06- You're a double-glazing salesman, ain't ya?
15:09- Yeah.
15:10(audience laughing)
15:11But it's gotta be better than working for Del, isn't it?
15:13I mean, you're like a 34-year old paperboy.
15:16- Yeah, well, I might not be working for him much longer.
15:18I got me eye out for some...
15:20Raquel.
15:21- I just came up to give you a hand with the drinks.
15:23- Oh, uh, yeah, that's yours.
15:26Now, you listen, there's a few young, up-and-coming firms
15:29who are after me.
15:30- Oh, yeah?
15:31I bet you're being head-hunted by Ian Beale.
15:34Listen, you'd better do something quick.
15:36You've got a kid on the way.
15:40- Ladies and gentlemen, will you please raise your glasses
15:42to our future mom and dad, Cassandra and Rodney.
15:46-[All] Cassandra and Rodney!
15:49- And Dave.
15:50(audience laughing)
16:05- Goodnight, champ, dream me some luck.
16:13(audience laughing)
16:16It's all right, he's sound, though.
16:25Ta-da!
16:28- Oh, my God.
16:30(audience laughing)
16:37- Well, what do you think, eh?
16:40- They're very nice, Del.
16:41They're very nice.
16:44- Yeah, yeah, so I got them off Monkey Harris.
16:47Seven pound fifty, can't beat that, can you?
16:50- Lovely. - Right.
16:52- There we go, ooh, lovely jubbly.
17:01Ooh!
17:04Do you know, it says here a bloke's supposed to make contact
17:06with his feminine side.
17:08Did you know that geezer's had feminine sides?
17:11- Well, I've read about it.
17:12Look, I wouldn't worry, I don't think it applies to you.
17:14(audience laughing)
17:15- All for that I thought I might have to
17:17wear a blouse or something.
17:19- Del, can we talk for a minute?
17:22- All right.
17:23- I heard Rodney and his mate,
17:24Mickey Pearce, talking tonight.
17:26He's started a new job.
17:27- Mickey Pearce?
17:28You must be joking!
17:29Oh, dear, that bloke's been on the dole for so long,
17:31they invite him to the staff dance.
17:35- Del, will you do something for me?
17:37- Yes, of course, let me finish the bottom of this page.
17:41- No! - Hmm?
17:45- Give Rodney a proper job.
17:47- What do you mean?
17:48Rodney, he's got a proper job.
17:49- No, he hasn't, he works for you.
17:50- Well, that is a proper job.
17:51- All right, what does he do?
17:52- Rodney, he, well, he...
17:55He, well, he lifts things, he keeps his eye out,
17:58and he drives the van, right.
17:59- And how would you describe his job.
18:01Give it a name, a title.
18:02- Oh, all right, it's easy, it's, he...
18:07He's a Rodney.
18:08(audience laughing)
18:10- Give him a job and a title he can be proud of.
18:12In seven months he'll be a father.
18:14- Listen, Raquel, I'm sorry,
18:16you do not know Rodney like what I do.
18:20I mean, he's not really very astute.
18:22I mean, if he was left in charge,
18:25we wouldn't be where we are today.
18:28- No? - No.
18:30- I mean, he's got no business sense.
18:31I mean, he's the sort of bloke that if he had a flower shop,
18:34right, he'd close on St. Valentine's Day.
18:38- Make him feel important.
18:40Do something to help him.
18:42- All right, look, if you must know,
18:44I am doing that very same thing, all right?
18:46I'm trying to find some help for Rodney.
18:49What with Cassandra being in the situation she is,
18:52you know, he might have to dash off at any time.
18:54So I put the word about, I'm looking for some part-time help
18:58to take the weight off Rodney's shoulders, all right?
19:00- Oh, that's nice of you.
19:02- Yeah, well, I am that sort of bloke, aren't I?
19:18You, uh, you know this thing with Cassandra?
19:22- You mean her pregnancy?
19:24- Mm-hmm, it's not making you broody, is it?
19:29- No.
19:30(audience laughing)
19:34I never want to go through a pregnancy again.
19:37- Why, it hurt, did it?
19:38- It stung a bit.
19:39- Yeah, I could tell, I could tell.
19:41- What gave it away, all that screaming?
19:43- Yeah, that was a clue.
19:45Damien was worth it in the end, wasn't he?
19:47- Yeah, of course he was.
19:49It's not just that, there's the financial side, as well.
19:51I mean, we can barely afford
19:52to pay the mortgage on this place,
19:53let alone feed another mouth.
19:55And then there's the age thing to be taken into account.
19:57- Yeah, I know, you're not getting any younger, are you?
20:00(audience laughing)
20:06- I've been thinking.
20:08One day they might make a musical
20:09about the history of the Trotter family.
20:13And as a sequel they could do Schindler's List on Ice.
20:16(audience laughing)
20:17- Correct me if I'm wrong,
20:19but are you feeling slightly under-motivated tonight?
20:22- There are people on death row
20:24with more motivation than me.
20:26Oh, I've gotta get another job, Cass.
20:29(sighing)
20:29I get so frustrated working for Del.
20:34I just wish he'd present me with a challenge
20:35every now and then, like, oh, I don't know,
20:39giving someone their change.
20:42I mean, tomorrow we're trying to flog a load
20:44of Mickey Mouse hair dryers,
20:46and a load of aerodynamic cycling hats,
20:49which are really horse riding helmets sprayed red.
20:52And we've got a very angry Sikh after our blood.
20:55And this is not what I call job satisfaction.
20:58- Rodney, you're the only one
20:59that can change Del's attitude.
21:01I mean, just going out in the morning
21:03and hoping for the best is not good enough.
21:05At the bank, we always advise small businesses
21:08to target specifics to achieve maximum market penetration.
21:12- Cassandra, we're talking about Derek Trotter.
21:15To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow.
21:18(audience laughing)
21:20- But at least you can try to influence him.
21:22I mean, you're involved in decision-making, aren't you?
21:25- (scoffing) Oh, yeah, sometimes he lets me toss the coin.
21:28Decision-making.
21:31He's just bought himself a book.
21:33- Del has? - Yeah!
21:35- And it's all words, there's no pictures.
21:37(laughing)
21:38It's called "Modern Man".
21:40And, according to the author, modern men are decisive,
21:43positive decision-makers.
21:46So Del's been making decisions all over the shop.
21:50In fact, it's thanks to some of Del's decisive,
21:52positive decision-making that we have got a consignment
21:55of Mickey Mouse hair dryers and a load of cycling hats
21:57which are really horse riding helmets sprayed red.
22:01- Look, try and talk to him.
22:02I know he jumps the gun a lot, but he does listen to you.
22:06- Yeah, I suppose you're right.
22:10Actually, I had a word with him this morning.
22:12Told him he's got to stop making
22:13all these on the spot decisions.
22:16I said to him, "Think things through.
22:18"Consider it, look at all the angles.
22:21"Weigh out the pros and cons."
22:23And I think it hit home.
22:28Yeah, I'm sure he took my words on board.
22:31- I'm gonna have a vasectomy.
22:33(Raquel laughing)
22:39Did I say something?
22:41- What's brought this on?
22:43- Well, it says in my book here that modern men
22:46take the responsibility when it comes to family planning.
22:49You know, millions of men all over the world
22:50have had the snip.
22:52You know, they can do it while you wait.
22:54- Del, why don't you think about it for a while?
22:56- Look, there's nothing to think about, sweetheart.
22:58We can't afford to have another chavvie,
23:01and I am a modern man, right?
23:02Making a positive decision.
23:05- But you've got to consider the future.
23:06I mean, I don't want to be a profit of doom,
23:08but what would happen if, say,
23:09in 10 years time things didn't work out between us,
23:11and we broke up.
23:12And then you met someone else,
23:13and you wanted to raise another family.
23:18- Come on, don't be silly, sweetheart.
23:2210 years from now I won't be able to raise a smile,
23:25let alone anything else.
23:26(audience laughing)
23:32- I can remember when we set off on the road to our horizon.
23:36It was bloody years ago.
23:38We had a labor government, you could eat beef.
23:42Des O'Connor was white.
23:43(audience laughing)
23:47Just look at us now, eh?
23:49- Rodney, how can I put this?
23:52Shut up!
23:56(eerie music)
23:59(audience laughing)
24:03- Morning, Damien.
24:04- I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
24:10Hold your hands out.
24:16Turn them over.
24:23See?
24:25Mummy, Mummy, I made Uncle Rodney turn his hands over.
24:30(audience laughing)
24:32- All right, I grant you,
24:33things are a bit bleak at the moment.
24:35- That's like saying the Antarctic is a bit nippy.
24:39- Well, I think that our fortune
24:40lies just around the corner.
24:42We are here where the big opportunities happen.
24:44We are at the forefront of the enterprise culture.
24:47- Enterpr...
24:49Oh, yeah, you are so enterprising you bought
24:51a load of horse riding crash helmets.
24:54Didn't you stop to think for one moment
24:56that Peckham is not a big show-jumping country?
25:02- Don't you worry about that, we'll sell 'em.
25:06I don't know what's happened to you lately.
25:08You seem to have stopped believing.
25:12Do you know what Mum said to me on her deathbed?
25:14- Oh, no.
25:15- She said to me, "Del Boy," she said,
25:17"Never stop believing, because if you stop believing,
25:21"you've got nothing left to hope for."
25:23- You've got to have a dream.
25:25If you don't have a dream,
25:27then how are you gonna have a dream come true?
25:29(audience laughing)
25:34- That is exactly what she said.
25:38See, Mum, she never stopped believing,
25:41even after you was born.
25:43- That's all very well for you to say, Del,
25:45and if at the end of it...
25:46What's that supposed to mean, even after I was born?
25:49- All right, it wasn't your fault, we didn't blame you.
25:51- What wasn't my fault?
25:53- You being a problem child.
25:55- Problem?
25:56I wasn't a problem child, I was a good boy!
26:00- Yes, I know, but you did have a problem.
26:04You kept getting taller.
26:07- Well, what did you want me to do,
26:08stay at two foot four for the rest of me life?
26:11- No, no, it wasn't that,
26:12it's just that when all the other little kids,
26:14you see, they could wear their trousers like
26:16for a year and a half, there'd be no problem.
26:18But you, after a couple of months,
26:19they'd look like hot pants.
26:21(audience laughing)
26:25- Well, most of the pictures I've got of me as a schoolboy
26:27I was wearing short trousers anyway.
26:29- No, no, they weren't short trousers.
26:33They looked like short trousers.
26:36But, if you look very carefully at the bottoms of the legs,
26:38you'll find that they're all frayed.
26:40That is where a couple of months before
26:42they was rubbing on the tops of your shoes.
26:46Anyway, listen, I am going to make a phone call.
26:50And just remember, Rodney, never stop believing.
26:56- Oh, this is difficult.
26:58- What's wrong?
26:59- Well, I've got a bit of good news,
27:00and a bit of bad news for Del.
27:03I'm applying for another job.
27:05- Yeah?
27:06What's the bad news?
27:10- That is the bad news.
27:13The good news is I'm gonna stay on with Del
27:14until he can find someone suitable to replace me.
27:17- Well, that should take him about a half hour.
27:20- Oh, yeah, you won't be saying that
27:22when I'm the managing director of something, will ya?
27:24- You got something lined up, then?
27:26- Yeah.
27:29There's this job advertised in the paper.
27:31Listen, local company seeks ambitious,
27:35energetic, and creative young person
27:37to join its successful sales force.
27:40Well, who are they describing?
27:43- No, go on.
27:45- It's me. - Is it?
27:47- Yes.
27:50Look, experience with computers,
27:53and advantage, but not essential,
27:55successful applicant will receive full training,
27:58good salary, and company vehicle.
28:01Well?
28:01I'm experienced with computers.
28:03- Yeah, you never got one to work yet, have ya?
28:05(laughing)
28:07- Buzz off.
28:11- Yes, yes, I could call in this afternoon
28:13to sign the papers.
28:15Yeah.
28:16Oh, right.
28:17Okay, then, you'll call back.
28:20Okay, Bonjour.
28:24Look at that, me new digital phone, sweetheart,
28:26it's clear as a bell, that.
28:27- Was that the clinic you were talking to?
28:28- Yes, I get doctored on Tuesday.
28:31They're going to call back and confirm.
28:33- You're serious about this, aren't you?
28:35- Yeah, I've never been more serious.
28:37- Look, Del, volunteering for this vasectomy
28:39is very brave and thoughtful of you,
28:41and I'm flattered that you're doing it for me,
28:43but you don't have to do it.
28:44- That's all right, I think it's for the best, sweetheart.
28:46- All right, but I don't want you coming back to me
28:48and saying it's all your fault, Raquel,
28:50if you get a bit, you know, sore.
28:53(audience laughing)
28:57- As if I would.
28:59(telephone ringing)
29:00Oh, that'll be them.
29:02Answer the phone, sweetheart, and be posh, will ya?
29:04- What? - Be posh.
29:06- I don't want them to think we're a couple of hippity boys.
29:08- Yes, sir.
29:11Hello, how may I help you?
29:13- Oh, hello, I'm phoning about the job advertisement
29:15in the Peckham Echo.
29:17(audience laughing)
29:20- Hold the line, caller.
29:24Have you put an ad in the Peckham Echo?
29:26- Yeah, get some help for Rodney.
29:28Who's that?
29:30- Rodney.
29:31(audience laughing)
29:35- What's he phoning me for?
29:36He's only in the bloody living room.
29:39- No, he's applying for the job.
29:44- What do you mean, he's applying to assist himself?
29:47(audience laughing)
29:49Wait a minute, wait a minute, I've gotta think about this.
29:52Darling, press hold, it plays a tune, go on.
29:56- I'll put you on hold whilst I connect you
29:57to our marketing department.
29:59- Thank you.
30:01(gentle music)
30:09- Treacherous little git.
30:12I'm gonna wind him right up.
30:15- Oh, Del, don't, he'll get embarrassed.
30:17- Yeah, with any luck.
30:19Right.
30:23Hello?
30:25This is the marketing manager, yes?
30:27Sorry I kept you.
30:29My name is Iva Hardy.
30:31(audience laughing)
30:35- Hello, Mr. Hardy.
30:38- And you are?
30:40- My name is Rodney Trotter.
30:42- Oh, Rodney Trotter,
30:43you're not one of the Trotter brothers, are you?
30:47- Um, no, I, I haven't got a brother.
30:50(audience laughing)
30:56- Well, that's all right, then,
30:58because I've heard some rumors about them.
31:01Right couple of scallywags, so I'm told.
31:05Mind you, the older one is all right, he's intelligent.
31:08Quite a brilliant business man, I've heard.
31:11No, no, it's the other one,
31:13it's his dippy younger brother that's the problem.
31:16(audience laughing)
31:22- Oh, well, like I say, I haven't got a brother.
31:26Now, you mentioned a good salary, and a company vehicle.
31:32Could you tell me a little bit more about that, please?
31:35Mm-hmm.
31:37Yes, I can ride a bike.
31:39(audience laughing)
31:50- All right, Rodders?
31:51- Just one moment, please?
31:53Yeah, yeah, fine.
31:55Just on the phone to Cassandra.
31:57- Oh, yeah?
31:58All right, is she?
31:58- Yeah, sure thing.
32:01- Oh, well, give her my love.
32:02- Yeah, yeah, will do.
32:04- Oh, and give her yours.
32:05- Eh? - Give her your love.
32:08- You see, in my book, it says that a man
32:12must give the lady in his life his love every so often,
32:15especially if she is pregnant.
32:18So, go on, you tell her you love her.
32:23(chuckling nervously)
32:25- I feel embarrassed.
32:27- No, you don't have to be embarrassed, do ya?
32:29I mean, I'm the only one here,
32:30and I'm the one suggested you do it.
32:33Go on, tell her.
32:37- Later.
32:39- No, no, you tell her now, Rodney.
32:47- I love you.
32:49(audience laughing)
32:59- Sorry, what did you say?
33:02- Nothing, I, I've just coughed.
33:06- Oh, that's all right,
33:07for a minute I thought you said you loved me.
33:09(audience laughing)
33:10- No, no, no, no, that was a cough, honest, you know.
33:15So, um, what exactly do you sell,
33:17and what would the successful applicant's duties be, please?
33:21- Well, we sell anything we can lay our hands on, isn't it?
33:26And your duties would be, you see, to take all this crap
33:29down to the market, and you sell it from a suitcase, see?
33:36I think that you're just the man
33:38that we've been looking for, Mr. Trotter.
33:43'Cause we're always on the lookout
33:45for dirty little plonkers like you.
33:48(audience laughing)
34:05- Did you put this ad in the paper, Del?
34:10- Yes, I did, Rodney.
34:13Goodbye.
34:17- I don't believe this.
34:19The one job in the paper I really fancied, and it's mine!
34:24So what's going on, then?
34:26You was gonna find someone else and get rid of me?
34:28- I was gonna get rid of, you were trying to get rid of me!
34:31Weren't ya?
34:32What was that, "No, I haven't got a brother."
34:38If you must know, Rodney, I was trying to get you some help.
34:41All right?
34:42That was all.
34:43What with Cassandra being in the situation that she is,
34:46I thought that anytime now you might have to dash off,
34:48so I thought that you could do with a little bit of help,
34:52take some weight off your shoulders.
34:53- I didn't realize, thanks, Del.
34:56I'm sorry. - It's all right.
34:59- Hey, Rodders, what is all this, eh?
35:00About, you know, you wanting to get another job?
35:03- Oh, it really hit home the other day.
35:06I mean, when the baby's born,
35:07we've got to fill in a birth certificate, right?
35:09And there's a section there that says father's occupation.
35:12I thought, what am I gonna put, eh?
35:14"A Gofer."
35:17- No, you are gonna put "Sales Director."
35:23'Cause you know what I'm gonna do with the business?
35:25I'm going to expand.
35:27Rodney, you're gonna be in charge of selling,
35:29I'm gonna be in charge of purchasing, right?
35:32So what will happen is that you will be
35:33in the marketplace, right?
35:35And you'll be selling.
35:36I'll be up there in the factories and the warehouses,
35:38and I will be buying.
35:40And if you find a line is going particularly well,
35:42all you gotta do is, you get on the blower to me, you see?
35:45And you say, "Del Boy, buy, buy, buy!"
35:48- Yeah!
35:50And then you can get on the blower at me and go,
35:52"Sell, sell, sell!"
35:53(audience laughing)
36:01- Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea, that.
36:04- We should have done this ages ago!
36:06- Exactly.
36:08It's called expansion.
36:09- Yeah, and then we'll streamline the business.
36:12- That's right, that's what we'll do.
36:14We will expand by streamlining.
36:17Come on, let's go down to Sid's Caff.
36:19Whenever we reach historic moments like this,
36:22I feel like a fry up.
36:24(audience laughing)
36:27(gentle music)
36:32(audience laughing)
36:33- Rodders, get down.
36:37-[Rodney] What's happening?
36:38- It's that Dr. Singh.
36:44It's all right, he's gone now.
36:46That was a close one.
36:48- He's gonna catch us eventually.
36:49- Yeah, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
36:53Yeah, Rodney, I've been thinking.
36:58-[Rodney] What about?
36:59- I'm gonna have a vasectomy.
37:01(choking)
37:04Did that go down the wrong hole, or what?
37:06- Yeah.
37:09A vasectomy?
37:11- Keep your voice down, will ya?
37:15- Well, what does Raquel feel about it?
37:18- No, I'm having it done.
37:22- I know that!
37:24Bloody hell.
37:25I meant, have you discussed it with Raquel?
37:28- Yes, of course I have, last night in bed,
37:30I said, "Sweetheart, I'm gonna have a vasectomy."
37:33- That was quite an in-depth discussion, eh?
37:35- You can't make these decisions lightly, can ya?
37:37No, I mean, you know, we've thought about it,
37:39and can't really afford another kid.
37:42And we haven't got room in the flat.
37:44Anyway, we both agreed.
37:46What do we want another kid for?
37:48I mean, we've got Damien,
37:49he's like two kids rolled into one, isn't he?
37:52(audience laughing)
37:54Yeah, me and Raquel, we only gotta, like,
37:57look at each other, and she's three months gone.
38:01I think, you know, I've gotta have a lot of them,
38:04you know, loads of them, you know, tadpoles.
38:13- Tadpoles?
38:16- Yeah, you know, you see them on the telly,
38:18you know, don't ya, under the microscope?
38:20- Oh, yeah, well, I've got loads of them, as well.
38:24The doctor said.
38:25- Yeah, I know, but the doctor reckons I've got probably
38:27more tadpoles than they've got in the Serpentine.
38:34- You gonna have it done at the hospital?
38:37- Yeah, well, I'm not gonna let Trigger do it
38:38with his Black and Decker, am I?
38:43- I mean, are you going to the hospital,
38:45or the local clinic?
38:47- Oh, right, I know, well, I'll probably go to the clinic.
38:52Rodney, I want your advice.
38:57Well, you know when a lot of rich and successful people,
39:01when they have this, you know, thing done,
39:06well, they leave a lot of their, you know,
39:08their tadpoles in this bank.
39:13- What?
39:14- The thing is, do you think that I ought to do that?
39:20- You could do.
39:24I don't know what Nat West'll think about it.
39:26(audience laughing)
39:33- No, not Nat West, not that sort of bank.
39:36It's a special bank.
39:38Anyway, they freeze it all.
39:39- Oh, the...
39:42- You see, the thing is, when I'm rich and famous,
39:44you know, then they'll be able to use it, wouldn't they?
39:47'Cause then there'll be lots of
39:48little Damien's running about.
39:50- No! - Hmm?
39:52- I mean, um, well, you could upset Raquel.
39:57You know, 'cause psychologically she might think
39:59that you were being unfaithful to her.
40:01See?
40:02'Cause you know how a woman's mind works.
40:05- Oh yeah, huh, yeah, I never thought of that, Rodders.
40:11Yeah, you're right.
40:12Good thinking.
40:16Hey, well, come on, onwards and upwards.
40:19Here, don't you say nothing to nobody about this, all right?
40:24- Well, of course not.
40:28- Thank you, Sid, that was horrible as usual.
40:32- Cheers, Del.
40:36- Sid?
40:38Del's having a vasectomy.
40:39- A vasectomy?
40:43Del Boy's having a vasectomy.
40:45(audience laughing)
40:55- The doctor will be with you in a moment.
40:57-[Del] (stammering) Thank you, nurse.
41:03(ominous music)
41:12(horse neighing)
41:17- Mr. Trotter.
41:18- Oh, it's Dr. Singh!
41:20Listen, about that paint I sold you for your surgery.
41:23- Oh, let's not worry about that.
41:25I have work to do.
41:27(audience laughing)
41:32Not nervous, are you?
41:36- Well, just a tad, you know?
41:38I mean, this is my first time.
41:41- Mine, too.
41:44- What?
41:47(Velcro tearing)
41:50- My, my, my, you are a big man, Mr. Trotter.
41:59- Well, thank you.
42:03- You should go on a diet.
42:08I always say that just to relax the patient.
42:11- Yeah, I've got to remember that one
42:13next time I have some bloke's vitals in me hands.
42:17- Well, look, I have to give you a small injection
42:19just to numb the area.
42:20- Oh, right, thank you.
42:25-[Dr. Singh] This might sting a bit.
42:27(dramatic music)
42:29(yelling)
42:35(audience laughing)
42:37- What's wrong? - Huh?
42:42- Oh, oh, it's nothing.
42:44I just a, oh, I've got a touch of cramp.
42:50Tell me, Raquel, seriously,
42:52what do you think about this vasectomy idea?
42:56- I don't mind, honest.
42:57- All right, Raquel, you win, I won't have it done.
42:59(audience laughing)
43:04- So what finally put you off having a vasectomy, then?
43:08Didn't have the balls?
43:09(audience laughing)
43:11- No, it wasn't that.
43:13Look, I wasn't frightened, I was...
43:17Well, it was a medical reason.
43:19You know, I kept thinking about them tadpoles.
43:22- What about them?
43:24- Well, I mean, you know, where do they go?
43:26- What do you mean?
43:28- Well, look, when you have the operation,
43:30it stops them, doesn't it, from going, from...
43:36Well, taking their normal route.
43:38So, where do they go?
43:41- What, are you worried about 'em hanging round
43:42on street corners?
43:43(audience laughing)
43:46- All I'm saying is, they've got to go somewhere.
43:50It got to such a point I thought, well, you know,
43:51I'll be frightened to sneeze.
43:53(audience laughing)
43:57What?
43:59No, what?
44:01- Ah, caught you at last, Mr. Trotter.
44:05- Ah, Dr. Singh, how nice to see you again.
44:08- Have you seen my surgery recently?
44:12That paint you sold me is peeling off in great chunks.
44:15It's a medical practice, Mr. Trotter,
44:18and it looks as if my walls have got scabies.
44:21Patients are leaving me!
44:23- Yeah, well, the thing is, Dr. Singh,
44:24we didn't realize until sometime after
44:27that the paint was ever so slightly out of date.
44:30Didn't we, Rodney?
44:31- No, no, we spotted a tin,
44:33and we noticed that it should have been used
44:35by June, 1983.
44:38- I want something done about it, and fast.
44:41- Well, yes, yes, of course, Dr. Singh.
44:43I will send someone from my painting
44:44and decorating department round to see you
44:46first thing in the morning.
44:48- If you don't, Mr. Trotter, I'll be back.
44:53- Yes, thank you, Dr. Singh.
44:56Yes, I'm missing you already.
44:58I'll be back, he always says that.
45:02Do you know what his nickname is?
45:04The Turbanator.
45:05(audience laughing)
45:07Turban-ator.
45:08- I don't believe you sometimes.
45:10- What?
45:11- Dr. Singh is an honest, law-abiding man.
45:14You knew that paint was iffy.
45:16- Oh, I'm supposed to be
45:17some sort of paint expert now, am I?
45:21Don't give me all that rubbish about him being
45:23a law-abiding citizen.
45:25I mean, look at him now, look,
45:26he's riding that bike without a crash helmet.
45:28- He's a Sikh! - Hmm?
45:30- Under the law, Sikh's are excused crash hats.
45:34How's he gonna fit a helmet over that turban?
45:37- Oh, I never thought of that.
45:39I suppose that's why you never see
45:40a Sikh astronaut, isn't it?
45:44- More than likely, Del.
45:53Oh, I'm not wearing it, all right?
45:55Now, it's half past five, that's my going home time.
45:57-[Del] Rodney, opportunities don't stop
45:59presenting themselves because Cassandra's
46:01got the sprouts on!
46:03-[Rodney] This is bloody stupid,
46:04and I'm not doing it, all right?
46:06- But, Rodney, there are millions of Sikh's out there
46:08riding motorcycles that are going completely unprotected!
46:13(audience laughing)
46:18This is going to solve their problem.
46:21Now I need to introduce my new company, TCT.
46:25- TCT? - Yes.
46:26- Trotter's Crash Turbans.
46:30This is our opportunity to do something
46:32for our fellow man, Rodney.
46:34- It is also an opportunity for you to get rid of them
46:36horse riding crash helmets you got lumbered with.
46:39- All right, well, just hang about,
46:40this is just a prototype, anyway.
46:41- It is not a prototype!
46:43It is a show-jumping helmet
46:45with one of Raquel's old scarfs glued on top!
46:48- That is because Raquel is 100% behind this project.
46:51She said to me, "Del Boy, you can have anything you want,
46:54"because I want to do my bit for mankind," she said.
46:58- Look, look!
47:00I mean, look!
47:03(audience laughing)
47:05- I think you look rather dashing.
47:07- I look like a human cannonball
47:08who's just crashed into a washing line.
47:11- God, I hate vanity.
47:14Now, you take my word for it, Rodney,
47:15once you take this over to Wembley and Southall,
47:18and show the Sikh community this in all its glory--
47:22- Take it over and show it to them?
47:24- Yes, of course!
47:25'Cause then we'll sell them by the thousands.
47:27We can then export them to Australia, America, the Far East.
47:30- Do you expect me to go and sell this?
47:32- Well, you are my new Director of Sales, aren't ya?
47:35- They'll smash my head in.
47:38- Of course they won't, they're a peaceful-loving people.
47:41Anyway, even if they do, I mean,
47:43you'll be wearing a Trotter Crash Turban.
47:46Perfect opportunity to prove how effective it is.
47:49(tapping)
47:51You know it makes sense.
47:52- All I know is I am not stepping out of that front door
47:55dressed like this.
47:56- All right, Rodney? - Hi, Raquel.
47:58- During the war--
47:59- Will you shut up!
48:01Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle
48:03of a very important board meeting.
48:05We don't want to hear stories about U-boats and giant squid!
48:08- I was just gonna say that during the war,
48:10I spent some time in India,
48:12and I got to know a little about the Sikh religion.
48:15What I discovered was, that to a Sikh,
48:17a turban had mystical powers,
48:20which are supposed to enter the body.
48:22In other words, it has to be in contact with the head.
48:25- Yeah, see?
48:26And this ain't in contact with the head
48:28because there's a bloody horse-riding helmet in between.
48:31- Yeah, all right, well, look,
48:32I haven't finalized the design yet, have I?
48:33What I'll do is, we'll just get a little piece like this,
48:36and we'll stuff it up inside this,
48:37easing contact with the head, there, right?
48:39Raquel, what do you think?
48:41- I can't see it catching on, Del.
48:42I mean, what would you wear with it?
48:44Is that my scarf?
48:45- Yes, well, don't worry, I will by you another one.
48:48Will you please understand, Raquel,
48:49this is not a fashion statement!
48:52- I guessed that, Derek, I guessed that.
48:54- No, it is a safety device.
48:55- Del, people would rather be critically injured
48:57than wear this.
48:59(telephone ringing)
49:00- Answer that, will ya?
49:02Look mark my words, three months from now
49:04you'll be seeing this on Tomorrow's World.
49:06- More like Wayne's World.
49:08- Oi, I am not going on Tomorrow's World dressed like this.
49:10- Rodney, it's Cassandra's bank for ya.
49:13- Well, she's probably caught in another late meeting.
49:15Come on, give us.
49:16- Raquel, all right, now, listen to me.
49:19They laughed when they invented the air bag, didn't they?
49:22- No, they didn't, they were a good invention.
49:24- All right, tell me one invention that they did laugh at
49:26when it was first seen, then.
49:28- That.
49:29- Yeah, I'm on my way, thank you.
49:34- What's up, Rodders?
49:37- They've rushed Cassandra to hospital.
49:40She's had a miscarriage.
49:45- All right, Rodders, all right, mate.
49:48Come on, go on down, I'm with ya, I'm with ya.
49:50Stay here, stay here.
49:51Excuse me, can you tell me which ward
49:53Mrs. Trotter is in please?
49:54- Oh, are you Mr. Trotter?
49:56-[Del] Yes, yes, I am.
49:57- Come this way, please.
49:58-[Del] Yes, okay.
49:59(audience laughing)
50:00All right, Rodney, come on, this way, come on.
50:03- Oi, are you having a laugh with me or something?
50:06I've been here nearly 20 minutes already,
50:09and the only person in this poxy hospital
50:12who've spoken to me is this old cow.
50:16- I'm sorry, sir, but we're very busy.
50:19-[Nurse] This way, please.
50:21-[Del] Keep up, Rodney.
50:23- Right here.
50:24Uh, could you put these on, please.
50:26It's just a precaution.
50:29(audience laughing)
50:31That's it, there.
50:33Lovely, now, Mrs. Trotter is in a single room,
50:36number 46, down there on the right.
50:38She is, naturally, still very upset,
50:40and we don't want her being excited in any way.
50:42- Yeah, of course, thank you.
50:47Thanks.
50:48Oh, right.
50:49- Can I put one on, please?
50:51- Who are you? - I'm her husband.
50:53- Who the hell's that, then? - He's my brother.
50:57(audience laughing)
51:04- Del.
51:09What the bloody hell am I gonna say to her?
51:12- Don't worry, Rodney.
51:14Don't worry, you'll say something, it'll just come to you.
51:19Just listen to me, Rodney.
51:21At this pacific moment in time,
51:25Cassandra, she don't need doom and gloom.
51:28She needs you to be optimistic.
51:31- Yeah, I feel optimistic right now, don't I?
51:34- I don't care how you feel, you've just gotta be.
51:36- You don't care how I feel?
51:38- No, you can do your weeping and crying
51:41in the van on the way home.
51:43Right now, you gotta be a rock for Cassandra.
51:48I want you to go in there, and I want you to talk to her.
51:51Talk to her about the future.
51:52Not the past, or the present, but about the future.
51:55'Cause, you see, you two, you two,
51:58you've got some really good times to come.
52:03- Ain't it strange how I find that
52:04hard to believe right now.
52:06- Well, you've got to believe it, because it's true.
52:11Right now, Cassandra needs your strength.
52:17Now you go in there, and I don't want no sobbing, no booing.
52:22You just give her comfort and understanding, right?
52:30- Right. - Good boy.
52:34- Right, you know it makes sense, hey?
52:45(knocking on door)
53:04- I'm sorry, Rodney.
53:08(Cassandra crying)
53:13(Del sobbing)
53:17(audience laughing)
53:24- What are you saying sorry for?
53:26Don't be silly.
53:29- I let you down, I let everyone down.
53:32- Of course you haven't.
53:37It happens, Cass, it just...
53:42Well, it just happens.
53:44There was nothing you or I could have done.
53:48- You mustn't blame yourself, sweetheart.
53:52You haven't let anybody down.
53:54Has she, Rodney?
53:57Go on, you tell her, tell her, this time next year,
54:00go on, tell her.
54:03(Del sobbing)
54:12- Me thinks now would be a good time
54:13for us to be on our own, you know, discuss a few things.
54:19- Yeah, I think you're right, bruv.
54:23Cassandra, me and Rodney are going outside now to talk.
54:29All right?
54:30- No, I mean me and Cassandra need to be on our own.
54:37- Oh, all right, yeah, yes, of course.
54:40(Del sobbing)
54:43I'll see you later, Cassandra.
54:46(Del sobbing)
55:02- I lost our baby.
55:05- Can't leave you alone with anything, can I?
55:08(laughing)
55:12We're gonna get over this, Cass.
55:15We are going to win.
55:19Do you know why?
55:21'Cause we're strong.
55:24We are very, very strong.
55:29Things are gonna get better, and better, and better for us.
55:34- I love you, Rodney. - I love you, Cass.
55:42- I love you so much.
55:48- It sort of burnt me right across the forehead here.
55:51The bloke who sold it to me said it was an hair dryer.
55:54Turns out to be an electric paint stripper.
55:57(audience laughing)
55:59- I'd like you to come with me, Mr. Fisher.
56:03- Oi, why is he getting seen before me?
56:06I don't know why people bother
56:08to pay their National Health stamps,
56:10'cause if I'd ever had a job, I wouldn't have paid for them.
56:14- Would you please keep your voice down?
56:17- No!
56:18It's a free country,
56:20and I can shout as much as I bloody well like!
56:23You're looking after all these bleeding malingerers here,
56:25while I should be top of your list.
56:28Now, I took some pills earlier on today.
56:31Now, I have no idea what they were, 'cause I was drunk.
56:35Now they're starting to upset me a little bit.
56:38You nurses, you're always whinging, isn't ya,
56:41about low wages.
56:42Well, you don't deserve anything better.
56:45Do you hear that?
56:46You're all sodding useless!
56:49- Excuse me, sir. - What?
56:50(punching)
56:52(audience applauding)
57:01- Feeling better, sir?
57:05- Yes, thank you, doctor.
57:08- All part of the service.
57:10Bonjour.
57:14I bet you wish you'd gone private now, don't ya?
57:17(audience laughing)
57:28♫ We've got some half-priced cracked ice
57:30♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
57:31♫ TV's, deep freeze, and David Bowie LP's
57:35♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
57:37♫ And at a push
57:38♫ Some Trevor Francis track suits
57:39♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush
57:41♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
57:44♫ No income tax, no VAT
57:46♫ No money back, no guarantee
57:50♫ Black or white, rich or broke
57:53♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
57:57♫ God bless Hooky Street
58:00♫ Viva Hooky Street
58:03♫ Long live Hooky Street
58:06♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
58:10♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
58:14♫ Hooky Street
58:17♫ Hooky Street
58:20♫ Hooky Street
58:24♫ Hooky Street