Only Fools and Horses S00E16 — Modern Men

Every line from “Modern Men” (1320 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E16 meme — “That is where a couple of months before”

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La, la, la, la
00:34♫ La, la, la, la, la
00:36♫ La, la, la, la
00:38♫ La, la, la, la, la
00:40♫ La, la, la, la
00:41- All right, son?
00:42Looking forward to tonight down the pub?
00:44- Yeah, yeah.
00:45I don't want a big thing made of it, you know?
00:48I mean, me and Cassandra are having a baby, that's all.
00:50- Yeah, but you know what Del's like.
00:52Any excuse for a celebration.
00:55You don't think Del would mind if I borrowed
00:56some of his after shave, do you?
00:58- What do you want to use his after shave for?
00:59You've got Epping bloody forest growing around your chin.
01:02(audience laughing)
01:05- I just wanted to smell nice, that's all.
01:07- Well, in that case, don't use Del's after shave.
01:11- Oh, there you are, Rodders, I didn't hear you arrive.
01:14Help yourself to a dry roasted.
01:15Where's Cassandra, then?
01:17- Raquel wanted to show her something in the bedroom.
01:19- It's them baby clothes she's got for ya.
01:21- Oh, she shouldn't have done that.
01:23- No, that's all right,
01:24they're some of Damien's old clothes.
01:25(audience laughing)
01:28Suit your nipper a treat, they will.
01:30- Oh, yeah.
01:31Well, I'll just go and get meself a beer.
01:33- If it's a boy, do you reckon it'll look like Rodney?
01:36- It don't matter, as long as it's healthy.
01:38(audience laughing)
01:42Now, I know what Raquel's doing,
01:44she's showing Cassandra some of them new clothes
01:46I bought her.
01:47- New clothes?
01:48It's not her birthday, is it?
01:50- No, no, no, no, it's not her birthday.
01:52And they're not new clothes, they're as good as.
01:57And it means I've done me bit for charity.
02:02Ah, Rodders, there you are.
02:03Have you seen this?
02:04Look, it's my book, "Modern Man."
02:06It's brilliant, it is.
02:07No, you see, it says here,
02:09"You shouldn't wait for a special occasion
02:11"to give your loved one a present.
02:12"Arrive home with a little surprise any day of the week,
02:16"and help keep your relationship exciting."
02:18That's what I've done, I've done that, you know.
02:21It says, "Your partner should never have to
02:23"seek attention from you.
02:25"A compliment is the easiest thing to give,
02:27"and the nicest thing to receive."
02:29Ha, no, it's obvious when you come to think about it.
02:31I mean, it's far easier to say something nice
02:33then to say something nasty, huh?
02:35- Ta-da!
02:36Well?
02:37- Yes, very well, thank you, darling, yes.
02:38(audience laughing)
02:41- Oh, good.
02:43- You look lovely, Raquel.
02:44- Thank you very much, Albert.
02:46- Yes, you look very nice, Raquel.
02:47(slapping)
02:50- Thank you.
02:51Wait till you see this.
02:54- And you look lovely, Cassandra.
02:55- Thank you, Albert.
02:57- Cassan, oh, there you are, sweetheart.
02:58(laughing) Well, how's my little nephew?
03:00- Wee! - Get off!
03:02- Well?
03:04What do you think?
03:05- Oh, well, it's a bit difficult, Raquel.
03:08You see, Rodney and I are both opposed to the fur trade.
03:11- Yes, I think what Cassie's trying to say is,
03:13we both think it look better on the animal.
03:18Whatever that was.
03:20- Isn't it marvelous?
03:21Del buys Raquel a coat, and you two have a pop at her.
03:25- Del bought it?
03:26I'm sorry, Raquel, I thought it was real.
03:29(audience laughing)
03:32- No, no, no, no, no, dopey, no.
03:36That's stimulated fur there.
03:40- Sorry, I didn't realize.
03:41- Yeah, well, there you go.
03:42Right, I'll tell you what we're gonna do, then.
03:44Now, 'cause little Damien's downstairs with the babysitter,
03:48we're gonna have a couple of glasses
03:49of the old champagne here,
03:51and then it's down to the Nag's Head
03:52for some decent celebrations, all right?
03:55Right, now, oh, you are on the orange juice, all right?
03:58- Yes, thank you, doctor.
04:00- It's all right, all part of the service.
04:09- Del? - Yes?
04:10- I feel a bit embarrassed.
04:11- Oh, you don't need to, I mean,
04:13you got a tie, and a suit, full Monty.
04:15- I didn't mean that.
04:16I meant, I only got 20 quid on me.
04:20- Go on, what have you done with your wages?
04:22- This is me wages.
04:25- Oh, that's right, I remember.
04:26We've had a bit of a hard week, bruv, didn't we?
04:28- I know, I was there. - Yeah.
04:32(audience laughing)
04:37- Well, I'm even worse off than you.
04:38I spent all my money on Raquel's dress.
04:41Still, don't matter,
04:42tonight's festivities we can put on the slate.
04:45- Do you reckon Mike'll stand it?
04:46- Yeah, of course he will, he's a diamond, that boy.
04:48An absolute diamond.
04:49- Well, I hope you're right.
04:50And, oi, when are you gonna say something nice to Raquel?
04:54I mean, she got herself all done up,
04:55you haven't said a word!
04:56- Well, I was reading me book, wasn't I?
04:59All right, all right, don't worry.
05:01I'll figure something nice to say, you're quite right.
05:03Come on, let's go.
05:04All right, come on, then, girls.
05:05Ladies and gentlemen, time to celebrate.
05:08Go on, Rodney, there, you've got the girls.
05:10Here you are, Albert, this is yours.
05:12- Oh, I don't believe it!
05:13- What's that?
05:14- You see this girl here?
05:16I worked with her years ago when I was in show business.
05:18She was just a kid then.
05:20Look at her now,
05:21she's about to appear in a new James Bond film.
05:23- Ooh, Pierce Brosnan.
05:25- Oh, now, you don't need Pierce Brosnan, dear,
05:27you've got me. - Yeah.
05:30- Haven't I just.
05:33- I'll tell you what, Raquel,
05:34if she could be in a James Bond film, so could you.
05:37- Oh, shut up.
05:39- No, darling, no, you could.
05:40- Don't be silly.
05:41- No, I'm serious, look at her!
05:44She's a dog.
05:46(audience laughing)
05:57(upbeat piano music)
06:07- So there's a G and T for Raquel,
06:10Tequila Slammer for Rodney, orange juice for Cassandra.
06:14Oh, by the way, that Indian bloke,
06:16Dr. Singh, was in earlier.
06:18He wanted to talk to you,
06:19something about some paint you sold him.
06:21- Oh, really?
06:21Was he really?
06:22- Seemed very anxious to speak to you, Del.
06:24Have you got problems, mate?
06:25- No, no, just a minor misunderstanding,
06:27nothing that can't be sorted out with a civilized chat.
06:31If he calls in again, Mike, would you tell him
06:32I've gone to live in New Zealand?
06:34(audience laughing)
06:35- I think I can remember that.
06:37Here, have Rodney and Cassandra thought of a name
06:39for the baby yet?
06:40- Oh, no, not yet, no, no, no.
06:41No, it's early days, you know.
06:42I mean, she's only a just little bit pregnant.
06:44Still a long way to go.
06:47- Still, shows Rodney got the hang of it in the end.
06:49- Oh, he's a Trotter all right.
06:52We don't stop till the job's finished.
06:56Right, now then, what have we got here?
06:58We've got a Harvey Wallbanger for me,
07:00that's a cognac for Boycie,
07:02vodka and lime, that's for Marlene,
07:04a Cubre Libre, that's for Denzil,
07:06rum and black crown for Bobby Crush over there.
07:11Scotches for the market lads,
07:12a pint of diesel for Trigger,
07:14and, oh, Mickey, what do you and your boys want?
07:17- Canadian Clubs all round, Del, cheers.
07:19- Canadian Clubs all round over there,
07:21and have one yourself, Michael.
07:23- Cheers, Del. - Cheers.
07:24- Call it 25 quid for cash.
07:26- Okay, right, okay, put it on the slate.
07:28- No, no, there's no more slate, Del.
07:30- What?
07:30- I've had a visit from the brewery.
07:32- Oh, all right.
07:35Okay, look, there's a fiver, and, oh dear,
07:38would you Adam and Eve it?
07:40I've only gone and left me wallet at home.
07:43I remember now, Damien was playing with it.
07:45I was teaching him financial management, you know?
07:47How to avoid expensive pubs, that sort of thing.
07:50- I'll sell them to someone else, then, Del.
07:52- No, you can't, these are secondhand.
07:53- Yeah, I'll sell them cheap, then.
07:55- All right, I'll give you a fiver for them now.
07:57- Look, Del, it's not my fault, it's the brewery.
08:00They've brought in this revolutionary new rule,
08:02from now on, customers have to pay for their drinks.
08:06- I hate all these newfangled ideas.
08:09Hang about, don't go away.
08:15I've managed to lay my hands on these
08:16radically new-designed hair dryers, all right?
08:20Now, normally they retail at 69.99 up in Regents Street.
08:25But, for you, 15 nicker.
08:28- Del, look at my hair.
08:30What do I want with one of them?
08:32I've only gotta stick me head out the window for 10 seconds
08:34and it's bone dry.
08:36- You see, this is different because this, you see that,
08:38that has got what they call a volumizer on it.
08:41You see, that gives all your hair body and everything.
08:44- Oh, so I could end up looking like Lily Savage.
08:48Very tempting, Del.
08:51- Go on, I'm giving it to you, Michael, ain't I, hey?
08:5515 nicker, come on, mate.
08:58- Go on, then, gives it here.
08:59But you still owe me a tenner.
09:01- Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
09:02I tell you what, you're a bit of a gambling man, ain't ya?
09:05I tell you what, I'll have a little bet with ya, right?
09:08Double or quits, okay?
09:10Now, thing is, if I win, I give you this fiver
09:14for this round of drinks.
09:15But if you win, I owe you a tenner.
09:19- You already owe me a tenner.
09:21- You've got nothing to lose, then, have you, eh?
09:23Right.
09:24Trig, just a minute.
09:25You'll like this, Trig, watch this.
09:27Little bet we're having here.
09:29Okay, then, Mike, I bet if you put your hands out
09:33in front of you, I can make you turn them over
09:35without touching them.
09:36- You can make me turn me hands over without touching them?
09:39- Exactly, it's called the power of positive thought.
09:42All right, off you go, put your hands out in front of you.
09:46No, the other way.
09:50See, I knew it.
09:52(audience laughing)
09:55All right, here we go, come on.
09:57Help yourselves, get in here.
09:58- Now I have been in the motor trade for many years now,
10:02and until recently I never thought of the damage
10:04fumes do to our world.
10:06Now, let me explain to you my theory--
10:08- Hey, Mike, the same again, please, will ya?
10:10- Just allow me to continue, will you, now?
10:13This is my theory.
10:15The future holds the key to all our success.
10:20- Well, you better not tell Raquel's dad that.
10:22He's an antique's dealer.
10:25- Now, recently, I have invested a lot of money
10:28in electric cars.
10:30- Yeah, he bought Tyler a Scalextric set.
10:34- I'm not talking about model bloody racing cars,
10:37for God's sake!
10:39- Oh, hey, Rodney, come on, get up, it's your round.
10:44- If it's the same as the last round,
10:45it'll be 25 quid.
10:47- 25?
10:49Mike? - No.
10:51- Right.
10:52- All right, Dave?
10:55- Hello, Trig.
10:56- I can make you turn your hands over without touching ya.
11:01- Hey?
11:01- I can make you turn your hands over without touching ya.
11:05Go on, hold them out.
11:07(sighing)
11:10No, the other way.
11:12See?
11:14There you go, Dave.
11:15(audience laughing)
11:26- Very nice, very nice.
11:28- Yes, congratulations, Albert.
11:30It reminded me of the theme track from Noddy the Movie.
11:33(audience laughing)
11:36- You have it?
11:38- Hey, Boycie's right about one thing, though.
11:40I mean, you and Rodney should be thinking about
11:41your children's future, you know what I'm saying?
11:43- You gotta send them to private school.
11:46- Oh, leave it out, Boycie,
11:47we can't afford to send our kids to private.
11:50Anyway, oi, another round, please, Mike.
11:52Come on, Boycie, your turn.
11:54- Our Tyler's been private since he was three.
11:56He's seven now and he can almost write his name.
12:00(audience laughing)
12:02- Can he really? - Yeah.
12:03- Cool.
12:04Yeah, darling, perhaps we ought to scrimp and save
12:06and send little Damien private next year.
12:08- I ain't sending my child private.
12:10There's nothing wrong with state education.
12:11- Oh, well, I'm not sending Damien to our old school,
12:14Dockside Secondary Modern.
12:16- Ooh, that was a tough, old place.
12:19- Yeah, you see, Rodney, we didn't stand a chance
12:20of a decent education because of the size of the classes.
12:23- That is right. - 50, 60 to a class.
12:26- No! - You're exaggerating.
12:27- No.
12:28- Your classes weren't that big.
12:29- No, by the time the teacher
12:30had finished reading the register, it was dinnertime.
12:34- You could tell the caliber of our school, too,
12:36by the head boy.
12:37- Who was it? - Trigger.
12:39(everyone laughing)
12:42- Did you call, Del?
12:43- Ah, there you are, Trig.
12:44No, no, we was just, you know,
12:45we was just talking about our old school.
12:47-[Trigger] Oh, right.
12:48- No, come on, let's ask Trig.
12:49You guys stay quiet, right, no prompting.
12:51Trigger, did you have big classes in your old school?
12:55- No, not very big.
12:56- There, see?
12:57- High ceilings, though.
13:00-[Del] Oh, yeah.
13:01- And a few low ones, remember your accident?
13:05- Oh, yeah.
13:06- Yeah, Trig was walking through one of the corridors,
13:08and he smacked right into a "Mind Your Head" sign.
13:12- Gave him a right clout.
13:13His family sued the education authorities for brain damage.
13:16- Yeah, judge awarded him seven pound fifty.
13:19(everyone laughing)
13:21- How'd you walk into a "Mind Your Head" sign?
13:23Didn't you see it?
13:25- Of course I saw it.
13:26But in those days, I couldn't read.
13:29(audience laughing)
13:32- Anyone gonna collect these drinks or what?
13:34- Yeah, I'll get them.
13:35Come on, Boycie, help out.
13:36- Yeah, I want change. - Sure.
13:40- Rodney, congratulations, mate.
13:42- Thanks, Mickey.
13:44- Yeah, I was down Sid's Caff yesterday,
13:46and that Dr. Singh came in looking for Del Boy.
13:48- Did he?
13:49- Yeah, he struck me as an angry man.
13:51What's it all about?
13:53- Something to do with some paint and his surgery.
13:56I mean, at the end of the day, it's not my problem, is it?
13:58I just work for Del.
13:59- Yeah, yeah, but that's just it.
14:01I mean, you're just an employee.
14:03You just follow orders.
14:04You pick things up, you put things down,
14:06you pick things up again.
14:08- Well, yeah, but I do think for meself.
14:10- It's hardly a job requirement, is it?
14:13I mean, I started a new job last month.
14:15Good money, company car, the lot,
14:18and it's not a fly-by-night firm.
14:20They're suing Panorama.
14:24- What are you, a double-glazing salesman?
14:26- No, I am not.
14:29Although it is to do with glass.
14:30- What, windows?
14:31- Not windows, solar windows.
14:34I mean, it's a whole new concept in user-friendly heating.
14:38- You're a salesman.
14:39- No, look, I'm more like a scientist.
14:43- It's double-glazing, isn't it?
14:45- No, no, no, look, I mean, fair enough,
14:48it does involve two panes of glass,
14:49but it's not glazing.
14:52I mean, this company's very profile-conscious
14:54and customer-driven.
14:55Hey, I'm executive of area perspective and overview.
14:59And, I'm recruiting new staff.
15:01I'm doing interviews every Mondays at Burger Kings.
15:06- You're a double-glazing salesman, ain't ya?
15:09- Yeah.
15:10(audience laughing)
15:11But it's gotta be better than working for Del, isn't it?
15:13I mean, you're like a 34-year old paperboy.
15:16- Yeah, well, I might not be working for him much longer.
15:18I got me eye out for some...
15:20Raquel.
15:21- I just came up to give you a hand with the drinks.
15:23- Oh, uh, yeah, that's yours.
15:26Now, you listen, there's a few young, up-and-coming firms
15:29who are after me.
15:30- Oh, yeah?
15:31I bet you're being head-hunted by Ian Beale.
15:34Listen, you'd better do something quick.
15:36You've got a kid on the way.
15:40- Ladies and gentlemen, will you please raise your glasses
15:42to our future mom and dad, Cassandra and Rodney.
15:46-[All] Cassandra and Rodney!
15:49- And Dave.
15:50(audience laughing)
16:05- Goodnight, champ, dream me some luck.
16:13(audience laughing)
16:16It's all right, he's sound, though.
16:25Ta-da!
16:28- Oh, my God.
16:30(audience laughing)
16:37- Well, what do you think, eh?
16:40- They're very nice, Del.
16:41They're very nice.
16:44- Yeah, yeah, so I got them off Monkey Harris.
16:47Seven pound fifty, can't beat that, can you?
16:50- Lovely. - Right.
16:52- There we go, ooh, lovely jubbly.
17:01Ooh!
17:04Do you know, it says here a bloke's supposed to make contact
17:06with his feminine side.
17:08Did you know that geezer's had feminine sides?
17:11- Well, I've read about it.
17:12Look, I wouldn't worry, I don't think it applies to you.
17:14(audience laughing)
17:15- All for that I thought I might have to
17:17wear a blouse or something.
17:19- Del, can we talk for a minute?
17:22- All right.
17:23- I heard Rodney and his mate,
17:24Mickey Pearce, talking tonight.
17:26He's started a new job.
17:27- Mickey Pearce?
17:28You must be joking!
17:29Oh, dear, that bloke's been on the dole for so long,
17:31they invite him to the staff dance.
17:35- Del, will you do something for me?
17:37- Yes, of course, let me finish the bottom of this page.
17:41- No! - Hmm?
17:45- Give Rodney a proper job.
17:47- What do you mean?
17:48Rodney, he's got a proper job.
17:49- No, he hasn't, he works for you.
17:50- Well, that is a proper job.
17:51- All right, what does he do?
17:52- Rodney, he, well, he...
17:55He, well, he lifts things, he keeps his eye out,
17:58and he drives the van, right.
17:59- And how would you describe his job.
18:01Give it a name, a title.
18:02- Oh, all right, it's easy, it's, he...
18:07He's a Rodney.
18:08(audience laughing)
18:10- Give him a job and a title he can be proud of.
18:12In seven months he'll be a father.
18:14- Listen, Raquel, I'm sorry,
18:16you do not know Rodney like what I do.
18:20I mean, he's not really very astute.
18:22I mean, if he was left in charge,
18:25we wouldn't be where we are today.
18:28- No? - No.
18:30- I mean, he's got no business sense.
18:31I mean, he's the sort of bloke that if he had a flower shop,
18:34right, he'd close on St. Valentine's Day.
18:38- Make him feel important.
18:40Do something to help him.
18:42- All right, look, if you must know,
18:44I am doing that very same thing, all right?
18:46I'm trying to find some help for Rodney.
18:49What with Cassandra being in the situation she is,
18:52you know, he might have to dash off at any time.
18:54So I put the word about, I'm looking for some part-time help
18:58to take the weight off Rodney's shoulders, all right?
19:00- Oh, that's nice of you.
19:02- Yeah, well, I am that sort of bloke, aren't I?
19:18You, uh, you know this thing with Cassandra?
19:22- You mean her pregnancy?
19:24- Mm-hmm, it's not making you broody, is it?
19:29- No.
19:30(audience laughing)
19:34I never want to go through a pregnancy again.
19:37- Why, it hurt, did it?
19:38- It stung a bit.
19:39- Yeah, I could tell, I could tell.
19:41- What gave it away, all that screaming?
19:43- Yeah, that was a clue.
19:45Damien was worth it in the end, wasn't he?
19:47- Yeah, of course he was.
19:49It's not just that, there's the financial side, as well.
19:51I mean, we can barely afford
19:52to pay the mortgage on this place,
19:53let alone feed another mouth.
19:55And then there's the age thing to be taken into account.
19:57- Yeah, I know, you're not getting any younger, are you?
20:00(audience laughing)
20:06- I've been thinking.
20:08One day they might make a musical
20:09about the history of the Trotter family.
20:13And as a sequel they could do Schindler's List on Ice.
20:16(audience laughing)
20:17- Correct me if I'm wrong,
20:19but are you feeling slightly under-motivated tonight?
20:22- There are people on death row
20:24with more motivation than me.
20:26Oh, I've gotta get another job, Cass.
20:29(sighing)
20:29I get so frustrated working for Del.
20:34I just wish he'd present me with a challenge
20:35every now and then, like, oh, I don't know,
20:39giving someone their change.
20:42I mean, tomorrow we're trying to flog a load
20:44of Mickey Mouse hair dryers,
20:46and a load of aerodynamic cycling hats,
20:49which are really horse riding helmets sprayed red.
20:52And we've got a very angry Sikh after our blood.
20:55And this is not what I call job satisfaction.
20:58- Rodney, you're the only one
20:59that can change Del's attitude.
21:01I mean, just going out in the morning
21:03and hoping for the best is not good enough.
21:05At the bank, we always advise small businesses
21:08to target specifics to achieve maximum market penetration.
21:12- Cassandra, we're talking about Derek Trotter.
21:15To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow.
21:18(audience laughing)
21:20- But at least you can try to influence him.
21:22I mean, you're involved in decision-making, aren't you?
21:25- (scoffing) Oh, yeah, sometimes he lets me toss the coin.
21:28Decision-making.
21:31He's just bought himself a book.
21:33- Del has? - Yeah!
21:35- And it's all words, there's no pictures.
21:37(laughing)
21:38It's called "Modern Man".
21:40And, according to the author, modern men are decisive,
21:43positive decision-makers.
21:46So Del's been making decisions all over the shop.
21:50In fact, it's thanks to some of Del's decisive,
21:52positive decision-making that we have got a consignment
21:55of Mickey Mouse hair dryers and a load of cycling hats
21:57which are really horse riding helmets sprayed red.
22:01- Look, try and talk to him.
22:02I know he jumps the gun a lot, but he does listen to you.
22:06- Yeah, I suppose you're right.
22:10Actually, I had a word with him this morning.
22:12Told him he's got to stop making
22:13all these on the spot decisions.
22:16I said to him, "Think things through.
22:18"Consider it, look at all the angles.
22:21"Weigh out the pros and cons."
22:23And I think it hit home.
22:28Yeah, I'm sure he took my words on board.
22:31- I'm gonna have a vasectomy.
22:33(Raquel laughing)
22:39Did I say something?
22:41- What's brought this on?
22:43- Well, it says in my book here that modern men
22:46take the responsibility when it comes to family planning.
22:49You know, millions of men all over the world
22:50have had the snip.
22:52You know, they can do it while you wait.
22:54- Del, why don't you think about it for a while?
22:56- Look, there's nothing to think about, sweetheart.
22:58We can't afford to have another chavvie,
23:01and I am a modern man, right?
23:02Making a positive decision.
23:05- But you've got to consider the future.
23:06I mean, I don't want to be a profit of doom,
23:08but what would happen if, say,
23:09in 10 years time things didn't work out between us,
23:11and we broke up.
23:12And then you met someone else,
23:13and you wanted to raise another family.
23:18- Come on, don't be silly, sweetheart.
23:2210 years from now I won't be able to raise a smile,
23:25let alone anything else.
23:26(audience laughing)
23:32- I can remember when we set off on the road to our horizon.
23:36It was bloody years ago.
23:38We had a labor government, you could eat beef.
23:42Des O'Connor was white.
23:43(audience laughing)
23:47Just look at us now, eh?
23:49- Rodney, how can I put this?
23:52Shut up!
23:56(eerie music)
23:59(audience laughing)
24:03- Morning, Damien.
24:04- I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
24:10Hold your hands out.
24:16Turn them over.
24:23See?
24:25Mummy, Mummy, I made Uncle Rodney turn his hands over.
24:30(audience laughing)
24:32- All right, I grant you,
24:33things are a bit bleak at the moment.
24:35- That's like saying the Antarctic is a bit nippy.
24:39- Well, I think that our fortune
24:40lies just around the corner.
24:42We are here where the big opportunities happen.
24:44We are at the forefront of the enterprise culture.
24:47- Enterpr...
24:49Oh, yeah, you are so enterprising you bought
24:51a load of horse riding crash helmets.
24:54Didn't you stop to think for one moment
24:56that Peckham is not a big show-jumping country?
25:02- Don't you worry about that, we'll sell 'em.
25:06I don't know what's happened to you lately.
25:08You seem to have stopped believing.
25:12Do you know what Mum said to me on her deathbed?
25:14- Oh, no.
25:15- She said to me, "Del Boy," she said,
25:17"Never stop believing, because if you stop believing,
25:21"you've got nothing left to hope for."
25:23- You've got to have a dream.
25:25If you don't have a dream,
25:27then how are you gonna have a dream come true?
25:29(audience laughing)
25:34- That is exactly what she said.
25:38See, Mum, she never stopped believing,
25:41even after you was born.
25:43- That's all very well for you to say, Del,
25:45and if at the end of it...
25:46What's that supposed to mean, even after I was born?
25:49- All right, it wasn't your fault, we didn't blame you.
25:51- What wasn't my fault?
25:53- You being a problem child.
25:55- Problem?
25:56I wasn't a problem child, I was a good boy!
26:00- Yes, I know, but you did have a problem.
26:04You kept getting taller.
26:07- Well, what did you want me to do,
26:08stay at two foot four for the rest of me life?
26:11- No, no, it wasn't that,
26:12it's just that when all the other little kids,
26:14you see, they could wear their trousers like
26:16for a year and a half, there'd be no problem.
26:18But you, after a couple of months,
26:19they'd look like hot pants.
26:21(audience laughing)
26:25- Well, most of the pictures I've got of me as a schoolboy
26:27I was wearing short trousers anyway.
26:29- No, no, they weren't short trousers.
26:33They looked like short trousers.
26:36But, if you look very carefully at the bottoms of the legs,
26:38you'll find that they're all frayed.
26:40That is where a couple of months before
26:42they was rubbing on the tops of your shoes.
26:46Anyway, listen, I am going to make a phone call.
26:50And just remember, Rodney, never stop believing.
26:56- Oh, this is difficult.
26:58- What's wrong?
26:59- Well, I've got a bit of good news,
27:00and a bit of bad news for Del.
27:03I'm applying for another job.
27:05- Yeah?
27:06What's the bad news?
27:10- That is the bad news.
27:13The good news is I'm gonna stay on with Del
27:14until he can find someone suitable to replace me.
27:17- Well, that should take him about a half hour.
27:20- Oh, yeah, you won't be saying that
27:22when I'm the managing director of something, will ya?
27:24- You got something lined up, then?
27:26- Yeah.
27:29There's this job advertised in the paper.
27:31Listen, local company seeks ambitious,
27:35energetic, and creative young person
27:37to join its successful sales force.
27:40Well, who are they describing?
27:43- No, go on.
27:45- It's me. - Is it?
27:47- Yes.
27:50Look, experience with computers,
27:53and advantage, but not essential,
27:55successful applicant will receive full training,
27:58good salary, and company vehicle.
28:01Well?
28:01I'm experienced with computers.
28:03- Yeah, you never got one to work yet, have ya?
28:05(laughing)
28:07- Buzz off.
28:11- Yes, yes, I could call in this afternoon
28:13to sign the papers.
28:15Yeah.
28:16Oh, right.
28:17Okay, then, you'll call back.
28:20Okay, Bonjour.
28:24Look at that, me new digital phone, sweetheart,
28:26it's clear as a bell, that.
28:27- Was that the clinic you were talking to?
28:28- Yes, I get doctored on Tuesday.
28:31They're going to call back and confirm.
28:33- You're serious about this, aren't you?
28:35- Yeah, I've never been more serious.
28:37- Look, Del, volunteering for this vasectomy
28:39is very brave and thoughtful of you,
28:41and I'm flattered that you're doing it for me,
28:43but you don't have to do it.
28:44- That's all right, I think it's for the best, sweetheart.
28:46- All right, but I don't want you coming back to me
28:48and saying it's all your fault, Raquel,
28:50if you get a bit, you know, sore.
28:53(audience laughing)
28:57- As if I would.
28:59(telephone ringing)
29:00Oh, that'll be them.
29:02Answer the phone, sweetheart, and be posh, will ya?
29:04- What? - Be posh.
29:06- I don't want them to think we're a couple of hippity boys.
29:08- Yes, sir.
29:11Hello, how may I help you?
29:13- Oh, hello, I'm phoning about the job advertisement
29:15in the Peckham Echo.
29:17(audience laughing)
29:20- Hold the line, caller.
29:24Have you put an ad in the Peckham Echo?
29:26- Yeah, get some help for Rodney.
29:28Who's that?
29:30- Rodney.
29:31(audience laughing)
29:35- What's he phoning me for?
29:36He's only in the bloody living room.
29:39- No, he's applying for the job.
29:44- What do you mean, he's applying to assist himself?
29:47(audience laughing)
29:49Wait a minute, wait a minute, I've gotta think about this.
29:52Darling, press hold, it plays a tune, go on.
29:56- I'll put you on hold whilst I connect you
29:57to our marketing department.
29:59- Thank you.
30:01(gentle music)
30:09- Treacherous little git.
30:12I'm gonna wind him right up.
30:15- Oh, Del, don't, he'll get embarrassed.
30:17- Yeah, with any luck.
30:19Right.
30:23Hello?
30:25This is the marketing manager, yes?
30:27Sorry I kept you.
30:29My name is Iva Hardy.
30:31(audience laughing)
30:35- Hello, Mr. Hardy.
30:38- And you are?
30:40- My name is Rodney Trotter.
30:42- Oh, Rodney Trotter,
30:43you're not one of the Trotter brothers, are you?
30:47- Um, no, I, I haven't got a brother.
30:50(audience laughing)
30:56- Well, that's all right, then,
30:58because I've heard some rumors about them.
31:01Right couple of scallywags, so I'm told.
31:05Mind you, the older one is all right, he's intelligent.
31:08Quite a brilliant business man, I've heard.
31:11No, no, it's the other one,
31:13it's his dippy younger brother that's the problem.
31:16(audience laughing)
31:22- Oh, well, like I say, I haven't got a brother.
31:26Now, you mentioned a good salary, and a company vehicle.
31:32Could you tell me a little bit more about that, please?
31:35Mm-hmm.
31:37Yes, I can ride a bike.
31:39(audience laughing)
31:50- All right, Rodders?
31:51- Just one moment, please?
31:53Yeah, yeah, fine.
31:55Just on the phone to Cassandra.
31:57- Oh, yeah?
31:58All right, is she?
31:58- Yeah, sure thing.
32:01- Oh, well, give her my love.
32:02- Yeah, yeah, will do.
32:04- Oh, and give her yours.
32:05- Eh? - Give her your love.
32:08- You see, in my book, it says that a man
32:12must give the lady in his life his love every so often,
32:15especially if she is pregnant.
32:18So, go on, you tell her you love her.
32:23(chuckling nervously)
32:25- I feel embarrassed.
32:27- No, you don't have to be embarrassed, do ya?
32:29I mean, I'm the only one here,
32:30and I'm the one suggested you do it.
32:33Go on, tell her.
32:37- Later.
32:39- No, no, you tell her now, Rodney.
32:47- I love you.
32:49(audience laughing)
32:59- Sorry, what did you say?
33:02- Nothing, I, I've just coughed.
33:06- Oh, that's all right,
33:07for a minute I thought you said you loved me.
33:09(audience laughing)
33:10- No, no, no, no, that was a cough, honest, you know.
33:15So, um, what exactly do you sell,
33:17and what would the successful applicant's duties be, please?
33:21- Well, we sell anything we can lay our hands on, isn't it?
33:26And your duties would be, you see, to take all this crap
33:29down to the market, and you sell it from a suitcase, see?
33:36I think that you're just the man
33:38that we've been looking for, Mr. Trotter.
33:43'Cause we're always on the lookout
33:45for dirty little plonkers like you.
33:48(audience laughing)
34:05- Did you put this ad in the paper, Del?
34:10- Yes, I did, Rodney.
34:13Goodbye.
34:17- I don't believe this.
34:19The one job in the paper I really fancied, and it's mine!
34:24So what's going on, then?
34:26You was gonna find someone else and get rid of me?
34:28- I was gonna get rid of, you were trying to get rid of me!
34:31Weren't ya?
34:32What was that, "No, I haven't got a brother."
34:38If you must know, Rodney, I was trying to get you some help.
34:41All right?
34:42That was all.
34:43What with Cassandra being in the situation that she is,
34:46I thought that anytime now you might have to dash off,
34:48so I thought that you could do with a little bit of help,
34:52take some weight off your shoulders.
34:53- I didn't realize, thanks, Del.
34:56I'm sorry. - It's all right.
34:59- Hey, Rodders, what is all this, eh?
35:00About, you know, you wanting to get another job?
35:03- Oh, it really hit home the other day.
35:06I mean, when the baby's born,
35:07we've got to fill in a birth certificate, right?
35:09And there's a section there that says father's occupation.
35:12I thought, what am I gonna put, eh?
35:14"A Gofer."
35:17- No, you are gonna put "Sales Director."
35:23'Cause you know what I'm gonna do with the business?
35:25I'm going to expand.
35:27Rodney, you're gonna be in charge of selling,
35:29I'm gonna be in charge of purchasing, right?
35:32So what will happen is that you will be
35:33in the marketplace, right?
35:35And you'll be selling.
35:36I'll be up there in the factories and the warehouses,
35:38and I will be buying.
35:40And if you find a line is going particularly well,
35:42all you gotta do is, you get on the blower to me, you see?
35:45And you say, "Del Boy, buy, buy, buy!"
35:48- Yeah!
35:50And then you can get on the blower at me and go,
35:52"Sell, sell, sell!"
35:53(audience laughing)
36:01- Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea, that.
36:04- We should have done this ages ago!
36:06- Exactly.
36:08It's called expansion.
36:09- Yeah, and then we'll streamline the business.
36:12- That's right, that's what we'll do.
36:14We will expand by streamlining.
36:17Come on, let's go down to Sid's Caff.
36:19Whenever we reach historic moments like this,
36:22I feel like a fry up.
36:24(audience laughing)
36:27(gentle music)
36:32(audience laughing)
36:33- Rodders, get down.
36:37-[Rodney] What's happening?
36:38- It's that Dr. Singh.
36:44It's all right, he's gone now.
36:46That was a close one.
36:48- He's gonna catch us eventually.
36:49- Yeah, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
36:53Yeah, Rodney, I've been thinking.
36:58-[Rodney] What about?
36:59- I'm gonna have a vasectomy.
37:01(choking)
37:04Did that go down the wrong hole, or what?
37:06- Yeah.
37:09A vasectomy?
37:11- Keep your voice down, will ya?
37:15- Well, what does Raquel feel about it?
37:18- No, I'm having it done.
37:22- I know that!
37:24Bloody hell.
37:25I meant, have you discussed it with Raquel?
37:28- Yes, of course I have, last night in bed,
37:30I said, "Sweetheart, I'm gonna have a vasectomy."
37:33- That was quite an in-depth discussion, eh?
37:35- You can't make these decisions lightly, can ya?
37:37No, I mean, you know, we've thought about it,
37:39and can't really afford another kid.
37:42And we haven't got room in the flat.
37:44Anyway, we both agreed.
37:46What do we want another kid for?
37:48I mean, we've got Damien,
37:49he's like two kids rolled into one, isn't he?
37:52(audience laughing)
37:54Yeah, me and Raquel, we only gotta, like,
37:57look at each other, and she's three months gone.
38:01I think, you know, I've gotta have a lot of them,
38:04you know, loads of them, you know, tadpoles.
38:13- Tadpoles?
38:16- Yeah, you know, you see them on the telly,
38:18you know, don't ya, under the microscope?
38:20- Oh, yeah, well, I've got loads of them, as well.
38:24The doctor said.
38:25- Yeah, I know, but the doctor reckons I've got probably
38:27more tadpoles than they've got in the Serpentine.
38:34- You gonna have it done at the hospital?
38:37- Yeah, well, I'm not gonna let Trigger do it
38:38with his Black and Decker, am I?
38:43- I mean, are you going to the hospital,
38:45or the local clinic?
38:47- Oh, right, I know, well, I'll probably go to the clinic.
38:52Rodney, I want your advice.
38:57Well, you know when a lot of rich and successful people,
39:01when they have this, you know, thing done,
39:06well, they leave a lot of their, you know,
39:08their tadpoles in this bank.
39:13- What?
39:14- The thing is, do you think that I ought to do that?
39:20- You could do.
39:24I don't know what Nat West'll think about it.
39:26(audience laughing)
39:33- No, not Nat West, not that sort of bank.
39:36It's a special bank.
39:38Anyway, they freeze it all.
39:39- Oh, the...
39:42- You see, the thing is, when I'm rich and famous,
39:44you know, then they'll be able to use it, wouldn't they?
39:47'Cause then there'll be lots of
39:48little Damien's running about.
39:50- No! - Hmm?
39:52- I mean, um, well, you could upset Raquel.
39:57You know, 'cause psychologically she might think
39:59that you were being unfaithful to her.
40:01See?
40:02'Cause you know how a woman's mind works.
40:05- Oh yeah, huh, yeah, I never thought of that, Rodders.
40:11Yeah, you're right.
40:12Good thinking.
40:16Hey, well, come on, onwards and upwards.
40:19Here, don't you say nothing to nobody about this, all right?
40:24- Well, of course not.
40:28- Thank you, Sid, that was horrible as usual.
40:32- Cheers, Del.
40:36- Sid?
40:38Del's having a vasectomy.
40:39- A vasectomy?
40:43Del Boy's having a vasectomy.
40:45(audience laughing)
40:55- The doctor will be with you in a moment.
40:57-[Del] (stammering) Thank you, nurse.
41:03(ominous music)
41:12(horse neighing)
41:17- Mr. Trotter.
41:18- Oh, it's Dr. Singh!
41:20Listen, about that paint I sold you for your surgery.
41:23- Oh, let's not worry about that.
41:25I have work to do.
41:27(audience laughing)
41:32Not nervous, are you?
41:36- Well, just a tad, you know?
41:38I mean, this is my first time.
41:41- Mine, too.
41:44- What?
41:47(Velcro tearing)
41:50- My, my, my, you are a big man, Mr. Trotter.
41:59- Well, thank you.
42:03- You should go on a diet.
42:08I always say that just to relax the patient.
42:11- Yeah, I've got to remember that one
42:13next time I have some bloke's vitals in me hands.
42:17- Well, look, I have to give you a small injection
42:19just to numb the area.
42:20- Oh, right, thank you.
42:25-[Dr. Singh] This might sting a bit.
42:27(dramatic music)
42:29(yelling)
42:35(audience laughing)
42:37- What's wrong? - Huh?
42:42- Oh, oh, it's nothing.
42:44I just a, oh, I've got a touch of cramp.
42:50Tell me, Raquel, seriously,
42:52what do you think about this vasectomy idea?
42:56- I don't mind, honest.
42:57- All right, Raquel, you win, I won't have it done.
42:59(audience laughing)
43:04- So what finally put you off having a vasectomy, then?
43:08Didn't have the balls?
43:09(audience laughing)
43:11- No, it wasn't that.
43:13Look, I wasn't frightened, I was...
43:17Well, it was a medical reason.
43:19You know, I kept thinking about them tadpoles.
43:22- What about them?
43:24- Well, I mean, you know, where do they go?
43:26- What do you mean?
43:28- Well, look, when you have the operation,
43:30it stops them, doesn't it, from going, from...
43:36Well, taking their normal route.
43:38So, where do they go?
43:41- What, are you worried about 'em hanging round
43:42on street corners?
43:43(audience laughing)
43:46- All I'm saying is, they've got to go somewhere.
43:50It got to such a point I thought, well, you know,
43:51I'll be frightened to sneeze.
43:53(audience laughing)
43:57What?
43:59No, what?
44:01- Ah, caught you at last, Mr. Trotter.
44:05- Ah, Dr. Singh, how nice to see you again.
44:08- Have you seen my surgery recently?
44:12That paint you sold me is peeling off in great chunks.
44:15It's a medical practice, Mr. Trotter,
44:18and it looks as if my walls have got scabies.
44:21Patients are leaving me!
44:23- Yeah, well, the thing is, Dr. Singh,
44:24we didn't realize until sometime after
44:27that the paint was ever so slightly out of date.
44:30Didn't we, Rodney?
44:31- No, no, we spotted a tin,
44:33and we noticed that it should have been used
44:35by June, 1983.
44:38- I want something done about it, and fast.
44:41- Well, yes, yes, of course, Dr. Singh.
44:43I will send someone from my painting
44:44and decorating department round to see you
44:46first thing in the morning.
44:48- If you don't, Mr. Trotter, I'll be back.
44:53- Yes, thank you, Dr. Singh.
44:56Yes, I'm missing you already.
44:58I'll be back, he always says that.
45:02Do you know what his nickname is?
45:04The Turbanator.
45:05(audience laughing)
45:07Turban-ator.
45:08- I don't believe you sometimes.
45:10- What?
45:11- Dr. Singh is an honest, law-abiding man.
45:14You knew that paint was iffy.
45:16- Oh, I'm supposed to be
45:17some sort of paint expert now, am I?
45:21Don't give me all that rubbish about him being
45:23a law-abiding citizen.
45:25I mean, look at him now, look,
45:26he's riding that bike without a crash helmet.
45:28- He's a Sikh! - Hmm?
45:30- Under the law, Sikh's are excused crash hats.
45:34How's he gonna fit a helmet over that turban?
45:37- Oh, I never thought of that.
45:39I suppose that's why you never see
45:40a Sikh astronaut, isn't it?
45:44- More than likely, Del.
45:53Oh, I'm not wearing it, all right?
45:55Now, it's half past five, that's my going home time.
45:57-[Del] Rodney, opportunities don't stop
45:59presenting themselves because Cassandra's
46:01got the sprouts on!
46:03-[Rodney] This is bloody stupid,
46:04and I'm not doing it, all right?
46:06- But, Rodney, there are millions of Sikh's out there
46:08riding motorcycles that are going completely unprotected!
46:13(audience laughing)
46:18This is going to solve their problem.
46:21Now I need to introduce my new company, TCT.
46:25- TCT? - Yes.
46:26- Trotter's Crash Turbans.
46:30This is our opportunity to do something
46:32for our fellow man, Rodney.
46:34- It is also an opportunity for you to get rid of them
46:36horse riding crash helmets you got lumbered with.
46:39- All right, well, just hang about,
46:40this is just a prototype, anyway.
46:41- It is not a prototype!
46:43It is a show-jumping helmet
46:45with one of Raquel's old scarfs glued on top!
46:48- That is because Raquel is 100% behind this project.
46:51She said to me, "Del Boy, you can have anything you want,
46:54"because I want to do my bit for mankind," she said.
46:58- Look, look!
47:00I mean, look!
47:03(audience laughing)
47:05- I think you look rather dashing.
47:07- I look like a human cannonball
47:08who's just crashed into a washing line.
47:11- God, I hate vanity.
47:14Now, you take my word for it, Rodney,
47:15once you take this over to Wembley and Southall,
47:18and show the Sikh community this in all its glory--
47:22- Take it over and show it to them?
47:24- Yes, of course!
47:25'Cause then we'll sell them by the thousands.
47:27We can then export them to Australia, America, the Far East.
47:30- Do you expect me to go and sell this?
47:32- Well, you are my new Director of Sales, aren't ya?
47:35- They'll smash my head in.
47:38- Of course they won't, they're a peaceful-loving people.
47:41Anyway, even if they do, I mean,
47:43you'll be wearing a Trotter Crash Turban.
47:46Perfect opportunity to prove how effective it is.
47:49(tapping)
47:51You know it makes sense.
47:52- All I know is I am not stepping out of that front door
47:55dressed like this.
47:56- All right, Rodney? - Hi, Raquel.
47:58- During the war--
47:59- Will you shut up!
48:01Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle
48:03of a very important board meeting.
48:05We don't want to hear stories about U-boats and giant squid!
48:08- I was just gonna say that during the war,
48:10I spent some time in India,
48:12and I got to know a little about the Sikh religion.
48:15What I discovered was, that to a Sikh,
48:17a turban had mystical powers,
48:20which are supposed to enter the body.
48:22In other words, it has to be in contact with the head.
48:25- Yeah, see?
48:26And this ain't in contact with the head
48:28because there's a bloody horse-riding helmet in between.
48:31- Yeah, all right, well, look,
48:32I haven't finalized the design yet, have I?
48:33What I'll do is, we'll just get a little piece like this,
48:36and we'll stuff it up inside this,
48:37easing contact with the head, there, right?
48:39Raquel, what do you think?
48:41- I can't see it catching on, Del.
48:42I mean, what would you wear with it?
48:44Is that my scarf?
48:45- Yes, well, don't worry, I will by you another one.
48:48Will you please understand, Raquel,
48:49this is not a fashion statement!
48:52- I guessed that, Derek, I guessed that.
48:54- No, it is a safety device.
48:55- Del, people would rather be critically injured
48:57than wear this.
48:59(telephone ringing)
49:00- Answer that, will ya?
49:02Look mark my words, three months from now
49:04you'll be seeing this on Tomorrow's World.
49:06- More like Wayne's World.
49:08- Oi, I am not going on Tomorrow's World dressed like this.
49:10- Rodney, it's Cassandra's bank for ya.
49:13- Well, she's probably caught in another late meeting.
49:15Come on, give us.
49:16- Raquel, all right, now, listen to me.
49:19They laughed when they invented the air bag, didn't they?
49:22- No, they didn't, they were a good invention.
49:24- All right, tell me one invention that they did laugh at
49:26when it was first seen, then.
49:28- That.
49:29- Yeah, I'm on my way, thank you.
49:34- What's up, Rodders?
49:37- They've rushed Cassandra to hospital.
49:40She's had a miscarriage.
49:45- All right, Rodders, all right, mate.
49:48Come on, go on down, I'm with ya, I'm with ya.
49:50Stay here, stay here.
49:51Excuse me, can you tell me which ward
49:53Mrs. Trotter is in please?
49:54- Oh, are you Mr. Trotter?
49:56-[Del] Yes, yes, I am.
49:57- Come this way, please.
49:58-[Del] Yes, okay.
49:59(audience laughing)
50:00All right, Rodney, come on, this way, come on.
50:03- Oi, are you having a laugh with me or something?
50:06I've been here nearly 20 minutes already,
50:09and the only person in this poxy hospital
50:12who've spoken to me is this old cow.
50:16- I'm sorry, sir, but we're very busy.
50:19-[Nurse] This way, please.
50:21-[Del] Keep up, Rodney.
50:23- Right here.
50:24Uh, could you put these on, please.
50:26It's just a precaution.
50:29(audience laughing)
50:31That's it, there.
50:33Lovely, now, Mrs. Trotter is in a single room,
50:36number 46, down there on the right.
50:38She is, naturally, still very upset,
50:40and we don't want her being excited in any way.
50:42- Yeah, of course, thank you.
50:47Thanks.
50:48Oh, right.
50:49- Can I put one on, please?
50:51- Who are you? - I'm her husband.
50:53- Who the hell's that, then? - He's my brother.
50:57(audience laughing)
51:04- Del.
51:09What the bloody hell am I gonna say to her?
51:12- Don't worry, Rodney.
51:14Don't worry, you'll say something, it'll just come to you.
51:19Just listen to me, Rodney.
51:21At this pacific moment in time,
51:25Cassandra, she don't need doom and gloom.
51:28She needs you to be optimistic.
51:31- Yeah, I feel optimistic right now, don't I?
51:34- I don't care how you feel, you've just gotta be.
51:36- You don't care how I feel?
51:38- No, you can do your weeping and crying
51:41in the van on the way home.
51:43Right now, you gotta be a rock for Cassandra.
51:48I want you to go in there, and I want you to talk to her.
51:51Talk to her about the future.
51:52Not the past, or the present, but about the future.
51:55'Cause, you see, you two, you two,
51:58you've got some really good times to come.
52:03- Ain't it strange how I find that
52:04hard to believe right now.
52:06- Well, you've got to believe it, because it's true.
52:11Right now, Cassandra needs your strength.
52:17Now you go in there, and I don't want no sobbing, no booing.
52:22You just give her comfort and understanding, right?
52:30- Right. - Good boy.
52:34- Right, you know it makes sense, hey?
52:45(knocking on door)
53:04- I'm sorry, Rodney.
53:08(Cassandra crying)
53:13(Del sobbing)
53:17(audience laughing)
53:24- What are you saying sorry for?
53:26Don't be silly.
53:29- I let you down, I let everyone down.
53:32- Of course you haven't.
53:37It happens, Cass, it just...
53:42Well, it just happens.
53:44There was nothing you or I could have done.
53:48- You mustn't blame yourself, sweetheart.
53:52You haven't let anybody down.
53:54Has she, Rodney?
53:57Go on, you tell her, tell her, this time next year,
54:00go on, tell her.
54:03(Del sobbing)
54:12- Me thinks now would be a good time
54:13for us to be on our own, you know, discuss a few things.
54:19- Yeah, I think you're right, bruv.
54:23Cassandra, me and Rodney are going outside now to talk.
54:29All right?
54:30- No, I mean me and Cassandra need to be on our own.
54:37- Oh, all right, yeah, yes, of course.
54:40(Del sobbing)
54:43I'll see you later, Cassandra.
54:46(Del sobbing)
55:02- I lost our baby.
55:05- Can't leave you alone with anything, can I?
55:08(laughing)
55:12We're gonna get over this, Cass.
55:15We are going to win.
55:19Do you know why?
55:21'Cause we're strong.
55:24We are very, very strong.
55:29Things are gonna get better, and better, and better for us.
55:34- I love you, Rodney. - I love you, Cass.
55:42- I love you so much.
55:48- It sort of burnt me right across the forehead here.
55:51The bloke who sold it to me said it was an hair dryer.
55:54Turns out to be an electric paint stripper.
55:57(audience laughing)
55:59- I'd like you to come with me, Mr. Fisher.
56:03- Oi, why is he getting seen before me?
56:06I don't know why people bother
56:08to pay their National Health stamps,
56:10'cause if I'd ever had a job, I wouldn't have paid for them.
56:14- Would you please keep your voice down?
56:17- No!
56:18It's a free country,
56:20and I can shout as much as I bloody well like!
56:23You're looking after all these bleeding malingerers here,
56:25while I should be top of your list.
56:28Now, I took some pills earlier on today.
56:31Now, I have no idea what they were, 'cause I was drunk.
56:35Now they're starting to upset me a little bit.
56:38You nurses, you're always whinging, isn't ya,
56:41about low wages.
56:42Well, you don't deserve anything better.
56:45Do you hear that?
56:46You're all sodding useless!
56:49- Excuse me, sir. - What?
56:50(punching)
56:52(audience applauding)
57:01- Feeling better, sir?
57:05- Yes, thank you, doctor.
57:08- All part of the service.
57:10Bonjour.
57:14I bet you wish you'd gone private now, don't ya?
57:17(audience laughing)
57:28♫ We've got some half-priced cracked ice
57:30♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
57:31♫ TV's, deep freeze, and David Bowie LP's
57:35♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
57:37♫ And at a push
57:38♫ Some Trevor Francis track suits
57:39♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush
57:41♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
57:44♫ No income tax, no VAT
57:46♫ No money back, no guarantee
57:50♫ Black or white, rich or broke
57:53♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
57:57♫ God bless Hooky Street
58:00♫ Viva Hooky Street
58:03♫ Long live Hooky Street
58:06♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
58:10♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
58:14♫ Hooky Street
58:17♫ Hooky Street
58:20♫ Hooky Street
58:24♫ Hooky Street