Only Fools and Horses S00E17 — Time on Our Hands

Every line from “Time on Our Hands” (1077 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E17 meme — “Out there, they're having a chat between each mouthful.”

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:15♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la la la la la
00:41- Potatoes, garlic, lemon grass.
00:48Lemon grass!
00:49Where am I gonna get lemon grass from?
00:51Oh to hell with it, we'll have to have it
00:53without lemon grass.
00:55- What are you doing up this early?
00:57It's only 6:30!
00:59- I couldn't sleep.
01:00I'm worried about tonight.
01:01- You don't have to worry, sweetheart.
01:02It's only your Mum and Dad coming for dinner.
01:05- It's not only my Mum and Dad coming for dinner.
01:07- Why, they're bringing the neighbors and all, are they?
01:10- No I mean, it's not that simple!
01:12My parents and I didn't see each other for years,
01:14didn't even talk.
01:15- Yeah I know but you've kissed and made up now, ain't you?
01:17You and Damien, you went up there
01:19for the weekend at their house.
01:20- I know but now they're coming here!
01:22They've never been to the flat before.
01:24I've never cooked for them before.
01:26They've never met you before.
01:30- Exactly!
01:31I'll be right by your side won't I eh.
01:32What did you tell them about me?
01:35- Well I said your name is Derek.
01:38That's about it really.
01:41- Yeah well, with a bloke like me
01:42that's all you need to know really, innit?
01:46- Right what are you gonna do us to eat?
01:48- Noisettes of lamb in red wine and cognac.
01:50- You don't need to go to that trouble, sweetheart,
01:52a bacon sandwich will do me.
01:55Oh I see, that's for tonight!
01:57Lamb in wine.
01:59That's gonna be lovely jubbly.
02:01- Morning all.
02:02- Morning, Unc.
02:03- Morning and another thing you promised you'd get
02:05another table and some proper armchairs!
02:06- We can't eat at that thing.
02:08- Alright.
02:09It's taken care of, sweetheart.
02:11Denzil's coming round later on, he's gonna clear
02:13all this gear out and drop off the new stuff.
02:15Anyway, I don't know why you're going to all this bother.
02:18Really I don't.
02:19I said we could take 'em out for dinner.
02:21I'm really well in with the manager at the local restaurant.
02:24- No, this is my home now and if my parents want
02:27me back in their lives they'd better get used to it.
02:30Besides, Spudulike's always full on a Friday.
02:33- That's true.
02:34Anyway I'll get us some breakfast then, shall I?
02:35- Okay.
02:36Will you check behind the bar
02:37and see if we've got any cognac?
02:38- Yeah alright.
02:40There you go, look here we've got plenty of it.
02:41Alright Albert, what do you want?
02:43- Well, if we're starting early I'll have a cognac as well.
02:47- No, you old git, that's for tonight that is, look
02:50will you tell Raquel to stop worrying
02:52and fussing about this meal tonight?
02:54- You've got nothing to worry about, love.
02:56We'll all lend a hand.
02:57You do the meat and I'll do the gravy.
02:59- That's alright, and I'll do the veg.
03:01I'm a dab hand with a pint of water and a bucket of cabbage.
03:04- The only thing we've gotta worry about
03:05is whether that bloody lift's working.
03:07Broke down twice this week.
03:09We can't have Cassandra climbing up all those stairs,
03:11not after what she's been through.
03:14Are her and Rodney coming to dinner?
03:15- Well, I invited them but the way
03:17they are at the moment, who knows.
03:19- I hope they do, they need to get out.
03:20- What d'you mean?
03:21Rodney's out every night!
03:23- He's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
03:25- He's got a lot on his mind?
03:26And how do you think Cassandra feels?
03:27She's the one who had the miscarriage!
03:29She needs her husband by her side,
03:31not out drinking in some pub or club.
03:34- Yes, I know!
03:34But she's a woman, isn't she?
03:36She's stronger than Rodney.
03:40No I mean, I've known Rodney all his life.
03:43He's always had this problem about
03:45facing up the things that hurt him.
03:47What he tends to do is to walk away
03:49and pretend it isn't happening.
03:50That's what he's doing now.
03:52But as soon as he gets it off his chest he's gonna be fine.
03:56(phone rings)
03:58Don't worry, I'll get it.
04:02Trotters Independent Traders.
04:05Hello, Cassandra!
04:07Cor, you're up early, what are you doing that for?
04:09You what?
04:11Oh, right!
04:13Rodney was only out again last night.
04:15Didn't get home 'til the early hours.
04:18- I know, you were with him!
04:24- You better talk to her.
04:25Go on you talk to her, will ya?
04:26- I'll take it in the kitchen.
04:27- Yeah, alright.
04:28- What Rodney needs is a counter-worry.
04:30- You what?
04:31- During the.
04:32- If you say "during the war" once more,
04:35I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!
04:37- I wasn't going to say during the war!
04:39- Well that's all right, then.
04:40- Bloody little know all.
04:42- Alright.
04:43I'm sorry.
04:44- Thank you, during the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany.
04:54I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic.
04:58Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.
05:02- I'm not surprised when they saw
05:03you walking up the gangplank!
05:06- So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy,
05:08used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry.
05:11Like one day he announced there was
05:13a cholera epidemic on the ship.
05:15- Really well that must have cheered you all up, didn't it?
05:17- It took their minds off the U-boats and the sharks.
05:20- It's a good job your Captain Kenworthy
05:23didn't join the Samaritans.
05:25Otherwise you wouldn't be able to get a barge
05:26under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies!
05:29- He's still the same.
05:31Cassandra said he's even stopped
05:32going to see the Councillor at the hospital.
05:35- Well, Albert reckons that we ought to tell Rodney
05:37that there's a cholera epidemic in Peckham
05:39and that should get him out of his mood.
05:41- I said give him a counter-worry.
05:43Look, if Rodney thought a close friend or a relative was ill
05:46he'd start worrying about them
05:48and stop worrying about himself.
05:50- Yeah, I see.
05:51So when that person became better Rodney would have
05:53forgotten what he was worried about in the first place.
05:55- Exactly.
05:56- It's worth a try.
05:58It's got to be someone he really cares for.
06:00- Damien.
06:02- How can you ask a five year old to act ill?
06:04- I could pretend to be ill.
06:06- Yes, but how would he know the difference?
06:09No no look it's gotta be me, innit?
06:11That's him now.
06:13Alright okay come on, we give it a will.
06:15We'll give it a try. I'm ill, alright?
06:20- Morning.
06:22- Morning, son.
06:23How's Cassandra?
06:24- Fine, thank you.
06:26- Good morning Rodney.
06:29How are you?
06:33- I'm alright.
06:35- Del's not very well, Rodney.
06:37- Oh, I'll go home then.
06:41- That's alright, I might make a recovery.
06:45- We called a doctor in last night.
06:47- I bet that you're wondering what he said, aren't you?
06:52- What?
06:54- He said I would live, but he didn't recommend it.
07:01- Right.
07:03- I'm really worried, Rodney.
07:05Has he ever suffered with pleurisy?
07:07- Only when he's tried to spell it.
07:13- I'll make a pot of tea.
07:15- Alright, sweetheart.
07:19Oi, Raquel I'll have a cup.
07:21Raquel, can I have a cup of tea too, please?
07:26- It's alright, I'll get it.
07:27- Thank you Rodney, Rodney?
07:30Thank you Rodney.
07:34That uncaring little git!
07:37I could be on me last knockings here and he doesn't care
07:39if I've got yellow fever or foot-fungus!
07:52Alright, Rodders?
07:53What you up to?
07:55- Cataloging our stock.
07:56I'm gonna put all of this on computer.
07:58- On computer?
08:00Now we've had this discussion before.
08:01That's dangerous.
08:03That means anyone could hack in and find out what we've got.
08:07- If we found someone was hacking into our computer
08:09all the police would have to do is go and arrest Mr Bean!
08:13I mean, look, these are the entire records
08:16for Trotters Independent Traders.
08:19I began filing 'em when I first started working
08:21for you 16 years ago but you told me to stop it.
08:24- Because we don't need it, do we?
08:26'Cause it's all up here.
08:28I mean squirrels, they ain't got computers
08:30but they know where their nuts are.
08:33- Well, I'm gonna make a note of everything.
08:34And I'm gonna chuck a lot of this junk out.
08:36- You be careful.
08:38One man's junk is another man's treasures.
08:41- Derek, we have got a pile of Showaddywaddy LPs
08:44under a tire for a Triumph Herald and an artificial limb.
08:47These are not gonna make big news on The Antiques Roadshow!
08:56- These LPs, they're collectors items.
08:59- Well let's see if we can find a one-legged
09:02Showaddywaddy freak and flog them to him!
09:05And if he turns up in a Triumph Herald we've had a result!
09:08- Look Rodney, what is the matter with you?
09:11- What is the matter with me?
09:14- Yes!
09:15- Didn't anybody tell ya?
09:18- Rodney, I'm sorry.
09:19- My wife was rushed to hospital
09:20a fortnight ago and we lost.
09:23There's nothing wrong with me, Del, right?
09:25Everything's hunky dory.
09:27- Look alright, Rodney, I'm sorry.
09:29I didn't mean that.
09:31- I had a dream a few weeks ago.
09:33I dreamt you and Damien ruled the world.
09:36- Oh yeah?
09:37- Yeah.
09:38You owned companies, corporations, conglomerates everywhere.
09:42It was horrible!
09:44- What d'you mean?
09:45- You know what I was?
09:47The messenger!
09:48You and Damien were presidents and chairmen
09:51and I was a bloody messenger!
09:53And then I thought, hold on,
09:54maybe it's not a dream, maybe it's a prophecy.
09:57You know, like in the Bible when King David
09:58saw seven fat cows and seven skinny ones.
10:02- No, that just sounds like he's
10:03come out of the Nag's Head disco!
10:07Seven fat cows and seven.
10:15- I mean, nothing's ever gone right for me, has it?
10:19- I know what you mean, Rodders.
10:22- I'd love a bit of good luck, Del.
10:25Not just for me, for all of us.
10:28I just wish something good would turn up.
10:32- So would everyone, Rodney.
10:35That's why they're all out there
10:36doing the Lottery, ain't they?
10:38I mean, if it were up to me, what I'd like to do,
10:43I'd like to be able to say that was life's lucky dip.
10:47I'd like to just go, I love to just go.
10:50There it is, look, that is gonna change our lives.
10:56But it won't, will it, eh?
10:58'Cause life is not like that.
11:06Have you made any attempt to discuss this with Cassandra?
11:08- Del, will you just leave it alone?
11:10- I'm only tryin' to help, Rodney.
11:12You can't keep walking away from this.
11:14- I am not walking away from it!
11:16Look, you get the lift, I'll take the stairs.
11:18- Hang about.
11:19Look, it's here now.
11:20Don't bother.
11:21Come on, look it's here.
11:22Alright, I won't mention it again.
11:29- Look at the state of these lifts!
11:31What's going on in their brains?
11:33- Just a bunch of half-heads, ain't they?
11:38- Look!
11:39"Del Boy is a sex machine".
11:43Who'd write something like that?
11:46- I don't know!
11:52- 'Rodney Trotter".
11:54The lying gits!
11:59What's happening?
12:08- It's broken down.
12:10The lift, it's broken down.
12:12The poxy bleeding council.
12:16It's broken down, that's the matter with me!
12:19- Press the alarm button.
12:20- I'll do it!
12:21I'll press the alarm button,
12:22I'm pressing the alarm button!
12:24It's broken!
12:25It's not working either now.
12:27Come on up here!.
12:28There's a couple of blokes here trapped in the lift!
12:32- Alright, alright!
12:33There's no need to get in a lather about it.
12:36Someone will press for the lift in a minute,
12:38realize it's not working and call the engineers.
12:40We'll be out soon.
12:41- I just don't like being closed in like this.
12:46- I never knew you were claustrophobic.
12:48- I'm not!
12:48I just don't like being closed in like this!
12:52- Del, come on look, sit down on the floor and relax.
12:55They'll be here in a minute.
12:57- Yeah, yeah, alright, sit down, take it nice and easy,
13:00calm down, just calm down, will ya?
13:08- 'Cause the oxygen, right, falls down to the bottom,
13:11and this way we get cleaner air.
13:13- Yeah good, good!
13:29- Your lifts are broken again!
13:31We had to carry that stuff up 12 flights of stairs.
13:34- Del said him and Rodney'd be here to help.
13:37-[Both] So where are they?
13:40- Don't know.
13:41- Listen Raquel, it's not my fault.
13:44Del asked me to deliver that table
13:46and to store this stuff in my lock-up.
13:48- Yes.
13:49- And the table and chairs are only on hire.
13:51- Yeah they've gotta go back by Monday.
13:54They're having a posh do at the town hall.
14:03- They're not here yet, are they hey?!
14:06- Give 'em time.
14:08Sit down, take it easy.
14:10- Yeah, alright take it easy.
14:15- Let's play a game.
14:17- Play a game?
14:18Why, you got a ball in your pocket or something?
14:21- A different sort of game.
14:23I Spy.
14:25- I Spy?
14:26- Yeah go on, you can go first.
14:29- Alright then!
14:30I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
14:36- Walls?
14:37- Walls, that's right.
14:38There, that's the end of that game then, innit?
14:42- Alright, you choose the game.
14:43- Alright then.
14:44What about hide and seek?
14:46- I never thought I'd see you like this!
14:47You're acting like a big kid
14:48just 'cause we're trapped in a lift for a while.
14:53- Yeah, well you don't know how I feel!
14:56I feel, I feel sort of frightened!
15:01You don't know what that's like!
15:03- I don't know what it's like?
15:04How d'you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks
15:06since Cassie, since what happened?
15:11- I don't know.
15:12I don't know how you've felt, Rodney.
15:14- Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word!
15:19D'you know what I did the other night?
15:21- No, but I bet it was depressing!
15:24- I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
15:26- See, I was right!
15:28- No, not quite.
15:30I actually noticed moments of hope within those pages.
15:35I mean there weren't many, just the occasional
15:38oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism.
15:42They was simple hopes, as you'd
15:44expect for someone of my age.
15:47I hoped for, hairs.
15:52Hoped I'd do well in my exams.
15:58I even hoped for a good job when I left school.
16:01- Well, you got hairs, didn't you?
16:04Think how Right Said Fred must feel.
16:09- Me and Cass were so happy, Del.
16:12We were looking forward and all we could see
16:16in front of us was this big wide highway
16:18and we were just cruising down it, and
16:22all of the sudden it came to a shuddering halt.
16:25Just like this poxy lift.
16:29Suddenly "Happy Families" became "Dungeons and Dragons".
16:36And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.
16:46- Is Cassandra hurting?
16:48- Well of course she is!
16:51- How do you know?
16:53You haven't talked to her about it.
16:55- No, and do you know why?
16:57It's because, it's because like, it's almost like if
17:00I don't talk about it, it might not be true.
17:07- But it is.
17:08- I know, I know but if I don't say it.
17:12- If you don't say what?
17:16- We lost our baby!
17:22- But you did.
17:24And you have said it.
17:28- Yeah I said it!
17:36You just shield yourself from it, you know.
17:44I've just been lying, ain't I?
17:48- Yes and what about Cassandra?
17:54- Not her.
17:57Cassandra can't tell a lie.
18:00- Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.
18:12- Both those lifts have broken down again!
18:18Is this the stuff Del was talking about?
18:21- Yes.
18:29- Cassie seemed so fragile.
18:32I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it, but
18:36I was frightened I might sort of break her.
18:40- No, she's strong, Rodney.
18:45Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry.
18:51That's what mum used to say.
18:55- What do I say to her, Del?
18:59- Well, you tell her exactly what you told me.
19:02You can leave out the bit about the hairs, if you like.
19:08You go home right now and have a heart to heart, alright?
19:12And while you're there, you ask her
19:13if she wants to come round for dinner tonight.
19:16- I can't mate, I've got a real problem with that.
19:19- What is it?
19:21- I'm stuck in a bloody lift!
19:24- Oh yeah.
19:26Let's have another look at this thing, shall we?
19:33- Your claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?
19:35- Yeah, I got over the worst of it.
19:38- Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
19:41- Well, these things come and go, don't they?
19:43Look at what this little switch does, here.
19:51- You git!
19:53You stopped it!
19:57- It was the only way I could get you talking!
20:00You can't run away in a broken lift.
20:06- You git!
20:10You git!
20:15- Come here, alright?
20:18Come on!
20:21- What else, what else?
20:23I'm bound to have forgotten something.
20:24- Calm down, everything's fine.
20:26You'll have a hot flush in a minute.
20:27- I'm just so nervous something will go wrong.
20:31Del, please don't use
20:33any of your French phrases to my parents.
20:35- How's that, sweetheart?
20:36Aren't they up on the old French lingo, or what?
20:39- No.
20:40The meat!
20:41- I'll get a wine out of the fridge.
20:44- Well, everything seems to be going according to plan.
20:48- Damien, don't do that!
20:50Dear, oh dear.
20:52Look, it's only plastic, you'll break it.
20:55- I've made the gravy and put it in the bottom oven.
20:57- Thank you, Albert.
20:58- Damien, you go and sit round there, alright?
21:00Go on, that's a good boy.
21:01Right now remember, we've gotta go
21:02girl-boy, girl-boy, girl-boy and uncle Albert.
21:06(doorbell rings)
21:08- What's that?
21:10- Oh God!
21:10- Calm down the lot of you, I'll answer the door.
21:14Lot of good you'd have been on the Russian convoys.
21:21Good evening.
21:23Please come in.
21:24- You must be Raquel's parents.
21:26- Yes, my wife Audrey, and I'm James.
21:29- Lovely to meet you, please follow me.
21:36- She did say he was older than her.
21:38- I know, but.
21:43- Hi Mum, Dad.
21:45- Darling.
21:47- Nanny, Grandad!
21:48- Watch out, here comes trouble!
21:50- Mum, Dad, this is Derek's brother. Rodney,
21:53and his wife, Cassandra, James and Audrey.
21:55- Lovely to meet you. - Pleasure.
21:57- Lovely to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
21:59- And this is my. this is Derek.
22:04- Au revoir.
22:08- Oh you're Derek.
22:10We thought that.
22:11- We thought, we thought you were busy working this evening.
22:14- Oh no, not this evening.
22:15Not on a special occasion like this.
22:18- As it is a special occasion I've bought
22:20this rather nice bottle of Porto.
22:22It's 15 years old.
22:23- Thank you, 15 years old?
22:25We'll have to watch that, it might have acne!
22:32Well okay, let's get started.
22:34Shall we start with a nice little aperitif?
22:41I'm knocking them bandy, ain't I?
22:47- Right, there's the gravy.
22:50- Rodney, would you fill the wine glasses, please?
22:53- Yes of course.
22:55More wine Audrey?
22:56- Thank you.
22:57- James?
22:58- No, I don't think I should.
23:00I've got to drive back to the hotel tonight.
23:02- Why don't you get a cab back,
23:03pick up the car in the morning?
23:05- What do you think?
23:06- It's your decision.
23:07- What the hell, pour away, Rodney.
23:10- Yes, that's the spirit, you know it makes sense.
23:12You can always leave your car outside.
23:15We'd better put the car in our garage.
23:18- Is it not safe outside?
23:19- Well, not if you've become attached
23:21to your wheels it's not.
23:24There we go, look, excuse the fingers.
23:28I'm just gonna get another bottle of wine.
23:32So why don't you all, CShappelle Audent?
23:39- So Albert was in the navy?
23:41- Very much so.
23:43- I was in the Royal Navy myself, 12 years, first officer.
23:46- You and Albert shall have to have a chat.
23:48- After we've gone home!
23:53- It's going really well out there.
23:55Have them coming, open another bottle of wine.
23:58What are you doing?
24:00- I've made the coffee.
24:01- What do you mean, you made the coffee?
24:03It's too early.
24:04They haven't finished their mains yet!
24:06- It don't usually take us that long
24:08to finish our dinner, does it?
24:10- I know that.
24:11That's because we're not
24:12galloping down a Big Mac and chips, are we?
24:15We've got guests, we're taking our time
24:18we're savoring the food and the ambience,
24:21we're sipping the wine and we're conversing.
24:24Out there, they're having a chat between each mouthful.
24:28It's sophisticated, it's civilized.
24:31Okay, don't worry.
24:33I'll whack this in the microwave.
24:39Oi just a minute.
24:41What coffee d'you make this with?
24:43That jar over there.
24:46- This ain't coffee, smell it!
24:48It's bloody gravy!
24:51- Yeah, that's gravy.
24:52It's not my fault, it's them jars!
24:54Look at 'em!
24:55How am I supposed to tell the difference?
24:58- I'll tell you how to tell the difference!
24:59This one has on the label Maxwell House Coffee
25:03and this label says Oxo gravy granules!
25:07That's a bit of a giveaway really, innit?
25:10- Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
25:13- I'll mix you up in a minute.
25:15Wait a minute.
25:16If you've made gravy in the coffee pot,
25:21what are they pouring over their dinners in there?
25:28- This looks lovely darling.
25:30- Yeah looks great, Raquel.
25:31- Thank you.
25:34- Alright?
25:35- Wonderful.
25:38- Cushty.
25:43They're only doing it.
25:45They're only out there doing it now!
25:48They're pouring Maxwell bleedin' House
25:50over their lamb noisettes and veg.
25:55I don't believe you!
25:58Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier
26:01and battleship that you ever sailed on, but now
26:04you've gone and knackered the gravy boat!
26:08What are we gonna do?
26:10- Well, I ain't having any of it!
26:16- Not yet, darling, wait for Daddy.
26:19- So, how long were you in the navy, Albert?
26:21- Over 50 years, man and boy.
26:22Started in the merchant,
26:24went on to the Royal then back to the merchant.
26:26- Amazing, you must have some stories to tell.
26:29- Oh God yes.
26:33- Sorry about that, couldn't get the cork out of the wine.
26:38- Del?
26:39- No!
26:40No, thank you.
26:42I'm trying to give it up.
26:44- Albert?
26:45- Not for me, dear.
26:46- Oh yes, you'll have some!
26:49You know how you like your gravy.
26:51Don't ya?
26:59You git!
27:03- Are you a naval man, Derek?
27:05- No, no James, I'm more of a leg man myself.
27:13- No, Dad meant were you in the navy?
27:16- Oh I see, no I wasn't actually, James.
27:19Though when I was younger
27:20I did consider a career in the services.
27:25- Everything alright, Mum?
27:30- This is horrible!
27:42- I hope you won't be offended darling,
27:44but I'm rather full up.
27:47- Same here!
27:50- No, no, come on, we've got afters to come yet.
27:51We've got mandarin segments and Instant Whip!
27:55- No, I feel not that hungry.
27:55- So am I.
27:56- Alright well, I'll fetch the coffee.
28:02- Right.
28:09- Ahoy there, Jimbo.
28:11- Morning, Derek.
28:13Rodney.
28:14- How are you this morning?
28:15- Oh fine had a bit of a jippy tummy last night.
28:18Well, thanks for looking after the car.
28:20- Mange-tout, mange-tout, mon plaisir.
28:23- So this is your Aladdin's cave I've heard so much about?
28:26- Yes, this is it.
28:28As I was saying Jim,
28:29you and I are in the same sort of business.
28:31I mean, you're an antiques dealer
28:33and I've got some interesting things.
28:36- Yes well, must dash, long journey.
28:38You must come and visit us sometime.
28:40- Yes I will, you bet.
28:41Now, you mind how you go, eh?
28:43- What's that?
28:46- It's a gas stove.
28:48- No, I mean on top of it.
28:53- Oh, that's just an old watch I got out of
28:56a house clearance years ago.
28:58I'll tell you what I have got.
28:59I've got some very nice Showaddywaddy LPs.
29:08- Good Lord!
29:09- Yeah, I know, it's filthy, innit eh?
29:11Rodney, have you got any of that WD40 there?
29:13We'll get this thing wiped up.
29:15- No, I mean, it has the name Harrison engraved in it.
29:17You see that?
29:18Harrison AD1774.
29:22How did you come by this watch, Derek?
29:25- Well, it was about 15, 16 years ago.
29:28There was this old girl down Deptford way.
29:31She owned a pawn shop.
29:33Anyway she died, she had no family, so they sold off the
29:36shop and her landlord asked me to clear out her house.
29:40I found that and a lot of other rubbish up in the loft.
29:45Why, is it any good then?
29:46- Good?
29:47John Harrison was just about
29:49the finest watch-maker of his time.
29:51Of any time.
29:53If this is what I'm beginning to think it is,
29:57God I'm shaking.
29:59- Why, you didn't have that much to
30:00drink last night, did ya?
30:02- Have you any proof that this watch is your property?
30:05A receipt, something like that.
30:06- No, you see, I don't keep receipts,
30:09they just clutter the place up.
30:12Do you reckon that's worth something then?
30:15- Assuming it's not a copy, yes.
30:18- Hold on, 16 years ago?
30:20That's when I started working for you.
30:22- Yes thank you, Rodney,
30:23could we leave "This Is Your Life" to Michael Aspel!
30:27- I meant, I used to keep files then, hold on.
30:31- Hold on.
30:34- You see, Derek, I've always been very keen on horology.
30:39- I thought it was too good to be true.
30:40Now he's gonna tell our bloody fortune.
30:44- No, horology.
30:46It means he's an expert in watches.
30:49- Oh, that sort of horology.
30:52- I've got it.
30:53A receipt from the landlord.
30:55For two paintings, four jugs, one rocking chair,
30:59one silver fob watch engraved "Harrison".
31:02- Good boy, Rodders.
31:05What have I always told you?
31:06I've always said always keep the receipts.
31:09You never know when they're coming handy.
31:11- What have you written down hear?
31:12Victorian watch.
31:13- Yes, thank you very much, Rodney.
31:13There you are, Jimbo.
31:14- This is marvelous, I've never been so excited.
31:17- I bet Audrey had a blinding honeymoon then!
31:22- What exactly do you think it is then?
31:25- I'm almost too frightened to say!
31:26To put it simply.
31:28Back in the early 1700s sea captains
31:31found it almost impossible to plot their
31:33positions once out of sight of land.
31:34Until John Harrison invented the first
31:36accurate marine timekeeper to tell seafarers
31:40exactly where they were on the globe.
31:43He went on to make many of these instruments,
31:45and we know the whereabouts of all of them,
31:47except the last one, the Lesser Watch as he called it.
31:50We have the designs for the piece
31:52but the watch itself was never found.
31:54People have been searching for it for over 300 years.
31:58- You don't think that's it, do you?
32:00- If it is, Rodney, God!
32:05- Blimey!
32:07- So next thing we know,
32:08Raquel's old man's been on the phone to us.
32:11- And he showed it to some experts and it's only kosher.
32:15- This is the watch that's been missing for over 300 years?
32:18- Yes, the Harrison Lesser Watch.
32:20- So what is it?
32:26- It's a watch!
32:30- It's more than that.
32:31It lets you know exactly where you are
32:33anywhere in the world.
32:35- How did it get lost then?
32:42- I don't know how it got lost!
32:43It just did.
32:45- If I hadn't realized it's full value and rescued it,
32:48I mean it could have ended up anywhere!
32:50- Yeah, like chucked on top of an old gas cooker.
32:54- And it's gonna be auctioned?
32:56- That's right.
32:57This afternoon, 2:30 at Sotheby's.
32:59-[All] Ohh!
33:02- Ohh.
33:10- So, how much do they reckon it's worth, then?
33:12- They don't know 'cause nothing like this
33:14has ever come on the market before.
33:15Could be 10 grand.
33:17- Yeah, 15!
33:18- 20 maybe.
33:19- Well, on your way back from the auction
33:21drop by my showrooms. I've got a lovely couple
33:24of Skodas at five grand each.
33:28- You won't be laughing like that
33:29when we come back this afternoon.
33:30- So you two could be famous then,
33:32well, amongst watchmakers.
33:35- Yeah, why not, we discovered it.
33:37And as Andy Warhol said,
33:39"Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes."
33:41- How can everyone be famous for 15 minutes?
33:43There's not enough time in the world, is there?
33:48- No, no he didn't mean everyone would be famous!
33:51He was just generalizing upon modern society.
33:53You know, people became famous
33:55for a little while then they disappear.
33:56Like Rene and Renatta, Simon Dee.
34:01- Or Ghandhi.
34:04- So see maybe this time it's our Ghandhi?
34:10- Yeah I mean, he made one great film
34:13and then you never saw him again.
34:21- No, let's go, let's go.
34:36- 22,000.
34:3924,000
34:4228, 30, 32, 35.
34:5135,000.
34:5438,000.
34:58One more bid.
35:0040,000, the bid is 40,000 pounds.
35:05- Is that ours, Rodney?
35:06- Don't be stupid!
35:08- 45,000
35:1245,000 I'm selling at 45,000.
35:17Sold at 45,000.
35:19Paddle number 674.
35:22Now we come to lot 73.
35:28A solid silver pocket marine timekeeper.
35:33This was found in London by two brothers.
35:36Unfortunately they held on the piece for 16 years
35:38believing it to be a Victorian egg-timer.
35:46This is quite simply the most significant discovery
35:49in horological terms of this century.
35:52The watch has been authenticated and accepted
35:54by all the leading experts as being the
35:56last watch ever made by John Harrison.
35:59It is the fabled H6, the until now mythical "Lesser Watch".
36:05Now, I feel I need say no more
36:07and I'd like to start the bidding at 150,000 pounds.
36:18Thank you.
36:19200,000.
36:23250.
36:26- Oh dear.
36:28It was when he said 150,000.
36:30That's when I came over really bad, me.
36:33- It went on, Del.
36:35200,000, 250, 300.
36:38That's when I dragged you out.
36:40You mean it ended up at 300,000 pounds?
36:43- It's still going on!
36:45- Well come on, let's get back up there.
36:49- Three and a quarter.
36:53The bid is in the room.
36:56Three and a half.
36:58- 350,000 quid!
37:03- Three and three quarters.
37:06- Four, thank you.
37:10The bid stands at four million pounds.
37:44- So, what was the final outcome?
37:49- It was bought by an anonymous bidder.
37:52He's giving it to the Maritime Museum at Greenwich.
37:55So, at least it stays in the country.
37:57- Oh, that's nice, innit?
38:02No, you Wally!
38:05What was the final score?
38:07What exactly did it go for?
38:17- Oh 6.2 million.
38:22So that's just over 3 million each.
38:28- Well we've had worse days, haven't we?
38:33- Oh yeah.
38:37You want to go first or should I?
38:41- Why don't we go together?
38:44- Yeah, alright.
38:47One, two, three.
38:50(screams)
39:10- Bring your family down.
39:12Have your photograph taken next to it.
39:18- It's beautiful though, ain't it Rodders, eh?
39:20Luxury and style.
39:22Very me, don't you think?
39:24- Yeah!
39:26Buy it!
39:28- Yeah, shall I?
39:29- You like it, buy it.
39:33- No, no.
39:35Not until that cheque is cleared.
39:37I've got a terrible feeling
39:38that this whole deal's gonna go pear-shaped.
39:41- Del, we're dealing with Sotheby's
39:43and the Greenwich Museum, not Ronnie and Reggie!
39:48- But I mean, if this goes tits-up
39:49I'm landed with a 70 grand debt, ain't I?
39:52- Yeah, take your point.
39:55Well, go on in, you sit in the nice car,
39:57see if it suits you.
39:59- Yeah, alright then I will.
40:04Yes, my son.
40:06Oh, yes!
40:11- That Rolls Royce out there.
40:14I wanna buy it.
40:17- That's a good one, Rodney!
40:20Tell me, what drugs are you on this week?
40:23(laughs)
40:44- There you go, it's yours.
40:49- You what?
40:50- The Roller, it's yours.
40:52I've just bought it for you.
40:58- You bought this Roller for me?
41:02Why?
41:04- A little present.
41:07Just to say thanks.
41:17(sweet music)
42:18(group applauds)
42:27(sweet music)
42:59- Yes sir, what can I get you?
43:02- Champagne all round hey.
43:11- Hold on!
43:13I think we've left our wallets at home again.
43:15- Please sir, that is not a problem.
43:18- On the slate, Mike?
43:21- On the house, Del!
43:25- No, no, Michael, we'll pay our way.
43:27And while we're at it, I'll have all your sandwiches!
43:30That's it, alright, go get them.
43:33- Let me look where me money is.
43:34- No, no Rodney.
43:35I'll get the sandwiches, 'cause you bought the Rolls.
43:40(sweet music)
43:55♫ I'll light the fire
43:58♫ You place flower in the vase that you bought today
44:09♫ Staring at the fire for hours and hours
44:15♫ While I listen to you
44:19♫ Play your love songs all night long for me
44:30♫ Only for me
44:37♫ Come to me now and rest your head for just five minutes
44:40- Yes!
44:43♫ Everything is good
44:50♫ Such a cozy room the windows are illuminated by the
44:58♫ Sunshine through them fiery gems for you only for you
45:17♫ Our house is a very very very fine house
45:24♫ With two dogs in the yard
45:27♫ Life used to be so hard
45:31♫ Now everything is easy 'cause of you
46:06♫ Our house is a very very very fine house
46:12♫ With two dogs in the yard
46:16♫ Life used to be so hard
46:20♫ Now everything is easy 'cause of you
46:32♫ I'll light the fire
46:35♫ You put the flowers in the vase that you bought today
47:37-[Woman] Del Boy, it's time to get up, it's 7:30.
47:42- Yeah, alright mum.
47:45-[Woman] It's your fault if you've got a hangover.
47:48You can't have today off, you're taking your 11 plus.
47:57-[Man] I never raised a hand to your mother Rodney,
48:00except in self-defense.
48:11-[Man] Your dad always said that one day Del Boy
48:13would reach the top but then again he used to say
48:16that one day Millwall would win the cup.
48:42- Alright?
48:45- Yeah what you doing here?
48:48- Raquel phoned, said you'd gone missing.
48:52I said wait for the ransom note to arrive
48:54but she said go and find him, so.
48:57I guessed you'd be here.
49:00- I'm just taking one last look at the old place, Rodney.
49:05Funny, innit, just think of all them years, you know.
49:09Us scrimping and scraping.
49:12Going out in all-hours, just trying to earn a few bobs
49:16so we could put a bit of grub on the table.
49:19And all the time down in that garage
49:22we had this famous thing, worth 6 million quid.
49:28- Yeah, that crossed my mind and all!
49:32Still!
49:36You put the flat on the market yet?
49:39- No, not yet no, I just didn't have the heart to.
49:45You know, I wanted to think about Mum and Granddad.
49:50Yeah I'll do it in a couple of weeks, you know.
49:53I'll give it to some estate agent.
49:56You know, I'll let them have the carpet.
50:04- Yeah, they won't mind.
50:06- Talking about that, I called into
50:09the travel agents the other day.
50:11Booked us all a holiday in Barbados.
50:16My treat.
50:17- Nice, flying first class?
50:21- Concorde.
50:22- Even better.
50:29Shame about Albert's boat, weren't it?
50:36- What a stupid place to put a bridge, Rodney.
50:40- I thought that right over a river like that.
50:47So how are you?
50:48- Me?
50:52Just wonderful ain't I you know.
50:54Everything's coming up roses.
50:58- Alright, what's wrong?
51:04- I always wanted to be a millionaire, Rodney.
51:09I always wanted a Rolls-Royce and a big house in the country
51:13and jet off to the Caribbean and all that.
51:17- Well, you've got it.
51:19- I know.
51:22But it's not like I thought it would be.
51:27All the dreaming and the scheming and the chasing
51:32and the trying that was the fun part, you know?
51:37It was dangerous, it was impossible.
51:44It was like Columbo sailing away to find America,
51:53not knowing whether he was gonna fall
51:56off the edge of the world.
52:00That's how I used to feel.
52:03- Well, you fell off a couple of times, didn't you?
52:08- Once a month, bruv.
52:10Once a month regular.
52:12You know, now I've done it,
52:15now I've achieved what I wanted.
52:20The chase is finished.
52:24The hunt is over.
52:28What am I gonna do now?
52:31Learn to play golf?
52:34- Well, you've got the trousers for it at least.
52:39Look, why don't you just enjoy your retirement?
52:43- 'Cause I don't wanna enjoy my retirement.
52:47I wanna feel like I used to feel, all eager and alive.
52:54I want something exciting to happen.
53:01Dear oh dear?
53:03What are you doing, unc?
53:04I thought you was a ghost!
53:06- He never got the hang of this haunting lark, did he?
53:09- What you two doing here?
53:10- Well, never mind what us two are doing here.
53:12What are you doing here?
53:13- Well, I just come back to pick up a few of me belongings.
53:17I thought I'd have one last look
53:19at the flat before you sell it.
53:24- Yeah, well, we've had a good look, eh?
53:27Come on, let's lock up and go.
53:37(phone rings)
53:42- I must have forgot to tell
53:43British Telecom that we're gone.
53:46Yeah, hello?.
53:48Who?
53:50Hello Lennie, how you doing, pal?.
53:53Alright?
53:54Lennie Norris.
53:57You do what?
53:59Really?
54:01Hang on.
54:02Listen.
54:03He's got 250 electronic carpet steamers.
54:07Now listen, they retail at a 115 quid,
54:11he's gonna let us have them for 25 nicker.
54:16- Del, we're not in the business any more.
54:21- I know, Rodney, we can double our money on this.
54:26- Derek, can you hear me over those trousers?
54:33We are not in the business anymore, mate.
54:42- Hello, Lenny.
54:44No, we're not interested.
54:48Trotters Independent Traders has ceased trading.
54:55Bonjour.
55:04Tell you what.
55:06Fancy going down to the Golden Dragon for a Chinese?
55:10- Yeah I'm feeling a bit peckish now you mention it.
55:13- Yeah, I could do a sweet and sour something.
55:16- Yeah, alright.
55:19I'll tell you what, Rodders.
55:20Let's leave the cars here, shall we, and just take a toddle.
55:26- Yeah, alright.
55:30- Mange Dieu, Mange Dieu, what a fool I've been.
55:37- What's wrong now?
55:38- Well, here I am thinking now we've got
55:40all this money that spells like the end of it.
55:44But it don't, does it?
55:46It's like the beginning.
55:48Because for the first time in our lives
55:50we've got money to invest!
55:53- No!
55:54- Dangerous business, investment!
55:56- Come on Rodders.
55:58You remember all those years you used to say to me
56:00"Del Boy, we should be investing."
56:01- No no I never said that!
56:03- Well, it must have been me then.
56:04I remember it was one of us that got it right.
56:07Now we can invest big-time in the futures market.
56:10We can get into Hong Kong, Singapore, Peking.
56:14- I don't want to invest, alright?
56:16- Rodders, have I ever let you down?
56:19- Yes!
56:20- When?
56:21- A couple of years ago when you told me
56:24I'd won a holiday in a painting competition
56:26but forgot to mention that, for an entire week,
56:28I would have to pretend to be 14.
56:31- That's always been your problem, Rodney.
56:34You're always dwelling on the past.
56:37Mum said to me on her deathbed.
56:39- Oi don't you start on about Mum and her deathbed!
56:41- She said to me on her deathbed, she said to me
56:43"Del Boy, if ever you and little Rodney become rich,
56:46"you must invest in the futures market!"
56:49- You liar!
56:50'Cause there wasn't a futures market when Mum was alive!
56:53- Now, what you don't see,
56:54that shows you what a visionary she was!
56:56Come on Rodney, this is our big chance.
57:00He who dares wins!
57:03This time next year we could be billionaires!
57:14♫ We've got some
57:16♫ Half price cracked ice
57:17♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
57:18♫ TVs
57:19♫ Deep freeze
57:19♫ And David Bowie LPs
57:20♫ Ball games
57:21♫ Gold chains
57:22♫ What's-names
57:23♫ Pictures frames
57:24♫ And leather goods
57:25♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
57:26♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
57:30♫ No income tax no VAT
57:32♫ No money back no guarantee
57:35♫ Black or white rich or poor
57:38♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
57:43♫ God bless Hooky Street
57:46♫ Viva Hooky Street
57:49♫ Long live Hooky Street
57:52♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
57:55♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
58:00♫ Hooky Street
58:03♫ Hooky Street
58:06♫ Hooky Street
58:09♫ Hooky Street
58:12♫ Hooky Street
58:15♫ Hooky Street