Only Fools and Horses S00E17 — Time on Our Hands

Every line from “Time on Our Hands” (1077 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:15♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la la la la la
00:41- Potatoes, garlic, lemon grass.
00:48Lemon grass!
00:49Where am I gonna get lemon grass from?
00:51Oh to hell with it, we'll have to have it
00:53without lemon grass.
00:55- What are you doing up this early?
00:57It's only 6:30!
00:59- I couldn't sleep.
01:00I'm worried about tonight.
01:01- You don't have to worry, sweetheart.
01:02It's only your Mum and Dad coming for dinner.
01:05- It's not only my Mum and Dad coming for dinner.
01:07- Why, they're bringing the neighbors and all, are they?
01:10- No I mean, it's not that simple!
01:12My parents and I didn't see each other for years,
01:14didn't even talk.
01:15- Yeah I know but you've kissed and made up now, ain't you?
01:17You and Damien, you went up there
01:19for the weekend at their house.
01:20- I know but now they're coming here!
01:22They've never been to the flat before.
01:24I've never cooked for them before.
01:26They've never met you before.
01:30- Exactly!
01:31I'll be right by your side won't I eh.
01:32What did you tell them about me?
01:35- Well I said your name is Derek.
01:38That's about it really.
01:41- Yeah well, with a bloke like me
01:42that's all you need to know really, innit?
01:46- Right what are you gonna do us to eat?
01:48- Noisettes of lamb in red wine and cognac.
01:50- You don't need to go to that trouble, sweetheart,
01:52a bacon sandwich will do me.
01:55Oh I see, that's for tonight!
01:57Lamb in wine.
01:59That's gonna be lovely jubbly.
02:01- Morning all.
02:02- Morning, Unc.
02:03- Morning and another thing you promised you'd get
02:05another table and some proper armchairs!
02:06- We can't eat at that thing.
02:08- Alright.
02:09It's taken care of, sweetheart.
02:11Denzil's coming round later on, he's gonna clear
02:13all this gear out and drop off the new stuff.
02:15Anyway, I don't know why you're going to all this bother.
02:18Really I don't.
02:19I said we could take 'em out for dinner.
02:21I'm really well in with the manager at the local restaurant.
02:24- No, this is my home now and if my parents want
02:27me back in their lives they'd better get used to it.
02:30Besides, Spudulike's always full on a Friday.
02:33- That's true.
02:34Anyway I'll get us some breakfast then, shall I?
02:35- Okay.
02:36Will you check behind the bar
02:37and see if we've got any cognac?
02:38- Yeah alright.
02:40There you go, look here we've got plenty of it.
02:41Alright Albert, what do you want?
02:43- Well, if we're starting early I'll have a cognac as well.
02:47- No, you old git, that's for tonight that is, look
02:50will you tell Raquel to stop worrying
02:52and fussing about this meal tonight?
02:54- You've got nothing to worry about, love.
02:56We'll all lend a hand.
02:57You do the meat and I'll do the gravy.
02:59- That's alright, and I'll do the veg.
03:01I'm a dab hand with a pint of water and a bucket of cabbage.
03:04- The only thing we've gotta worry about
03:05is whether that bloody lift's working.
03:07Broke down twice this week.
03:09We can't have Cassandra climbing up all those stairs,
03:11not after what she's been through.
03:14Are her and Rodney coming to dinner?
03:15- Well, I invited them but the way
03:17they are at the moment, who knows.
03:19- I hope they do, they need to get out.
03:20- What d'you mean?
03:21Rodney's out every night!
03:23- He's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
03:25- He's got a lot on his mind?
03:26And how do you think Cassandra feels?
03:27She's the one who had the miscarriage!
03:29She needs her husband by her side,
03:31not out drinking in some pub or club.
03:34- Yes, I know!
03:34But she's a woman, isn't she?
03:36She's stronger than Rodney.
03:40No I mean, I've known Rodney all his life.
03:43He's always had this problem about
03:45facing up the things that hurt him.
03:47What he tends to do is to walk away
03:49and pretend it isn't happening.
03:50That's what he's doing now.
03:52But as soon as he gets it off his chest he's gonna be fine.
03:56(phone rings)
03:58Don't worry, I'll get it.
04:02Trotters Independent Traders.
04:05Hello, Cassandra!
04:07Cor, you're up early, what are you doing that for?
04:09You what?
04:11Oh, right!
04:13Rodney was only out again last night.
04:15Didn't get home 'til the early hours.
04:18- I know, you were with him!
04:24- You better talk to her.
04:25Go on you talk to her, will ya?
04:26- I'll take it in the kitchen.
04:27- Yeah, alright.
04:28- What Rodney needs is a counter-worry.
04:30- You what?
04:31- During the.
04:32- If you say "during the war" once more,
04:35I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!
04:37- I wasn't going to say during the war!
04:39- Well that's all right, then.
04:40- Bloody little know all.
04:42- Alright.
04:43I'm sorry.
04:44- Thank you, during the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany.
04:54I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic.
04:58Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.
05:02- I'm not surprised when they saw
05:03you walking up the gangplank!
05:06- So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy,
05:08used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry.
05:11Like one day he announced there was
05:13a cholera epidemic on the ship.
05:15- Really well that must have cheered you all up, didn't it?
05:17- It took their minds off the U-boats and the sharks.
05:20- It's a good job your Captain Kenworthy
05:23didn't join the Samaritans.
05:25Otherwise you wouldn't be able to get a barge
05:26under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies!
05:29- He's still the same.
05:31Cassandra said he's even stopped
05:32going to see the Councillor at the hospital.
05:35- Well, Albert reckons that we ought to tell Rodney
05:37that there's a cholera epidemic in Peckham
05:39and that should get him out of his mood.
05:41- I said give him a counter-worry.
05:43Look, if Rodney thought a close friend or a relative was ill
05:46he'd start worrying about them
05:48and stop worrying about himself.
05:50- Yeah, I see.
05:51So when that person became better Rodney would have
05:53forgotten what he was worried about in the first place.
05:55- Exactly.
05:56- It's worth a try.
05:58It's got to be someone he really cares for.
06:00- Damien.
06:02- How can you ask a five year old to act ill?
06:04- I could pretend to be ill.
06:06- Yes, but how would he know the difference?
06:09No no look it's gotta be me, innit?
06:11That's him now.
06:13Alright okay come on, we give it a will.
06:15We'll give it a try. I'm ill, alright?
06:20- Morning.
06:22- Morning, son.
06:23How's Cassandra?
06:24- Fine, thank you.
06:26- Good morning Rodney.
06:29How are you?
06:33- I'm alright.
06:35- Del's not very well, Rodney.
06:37- Oh, I'll go home then.
06:41- That's alright, I might make a recovery.
06:45- We called a doctor in last night.
06:47- I bet that you're wondering what he said, aren't you?
06:52- What?
06:54- He said I would live, but he didn't recommend it.
07:01- Right.
07:03- I'm really worried, Rodney.
07:05Has he ever suffered with pleurisy?
07:07- Only when he's tried to spell it.
07:13- I'll make a pot of tea.
07:15- Alright, sweetheart.
07:19Oi, Raquel I'll have a cup.
07:21Raquel, can I have a cup of tea too, please?
07:26- It's alright, I'll get it.
07:27- Thank you Rodney, Rodney?
07:30Thank you Rodney.
07:34That uncaring little git!
07:37I could be on me last knockings here and he doesn't care
07:39if I've got yellow fever or foot-fungus!
07:52Alright, Rodders?
07:53What you up to?
07:55- Cataloging our stock.
07:56I'm gonna put all of this on computer.
07:58- On computer?
08:00Now we've had this discussion before.
08:01That's dangerous.
08:03That means anyone could hack in and find out what we've got.
08:07- If we found someone was hacking into our computer
08:09all the police would have to do is go and arrest Mr Bean!
08:13I mean, look, these are the entire records
08:16for Trotters Independent Traders.
08:19I began filing 'em when I first started working
08:21for you 16 years ago but you told me to stop it.
08:24- Because we don't need it, do we?
08:26'Cause it's all up here.
08:28I mean squirrels, they ain't got computers
08:30but they know where their nuts are.
08:33- Well, I'm gonna make a note of everything.
08:34And I'm gonna chuck a lot of this junk out.
08:36- You be careful.
08:38One man's junk is another man's treasures.
08:41- Derek, we have got a pile of Showaddywaddy LPs
08:44under a tire for a Triumph Herald and an artificial limb.
08:47These are not gonna make big news on The Antiques Roadshow!
08:56- These LPs, they're collectors items.
08:59- Well let's see if we can find a one-legged
09:02Showaddywaddy freak and flog them to him!
09:05And if he turns up in a Triumph Herald we've had a result!
09:08- Look Rodney, what is the matter with you?
09:11- What is the matter with me?
09:14- Yes!
09:15- Didn't anybody tell ya?
09:18- Rodney, I'm sorry.
09:19- My wife was rushed to hospital
09:20a fortnight ago and we lost.
09:23There's nothing wrong with me, Del, right?
09:25Everything's hunky dory.
09:27- Look alright, Rodney, I'm sorry.
09:29I didn't mean that.
09:31- I had a dream a few weeks ago.
09:33I dreamt you and Damien ruled the world.
09:36- Oh yeah?
09:37- Yeah.
09:38You owned companies, corporations, conglomerates everywhere.
09:42It was horrible!
09:44- What d'you mean?
09:45- You know what I was?
09:47The messenger!
09:48You and Damien were presidents and chairmen
09:51and I was a bloody messenger!
09:53And then I thought, hold on,
09:54maybe it's not a dream, maybe it's a prophecy.
09:57You know, like in the Bible when King David
09:58saw seven fat cows and seven skinny ones.
10:02- No, that just sounds like he's
10:03come out of the Nag's Head disco!
10:07Seven fat cows and seven.
10:15- I mean, nothing's ever gone right for me, has it?
10:19- I know what you mean, Rodders.
10:22- I'd love a bit of good luck, Del.
10:25Not just for me, for all of us.
10:28I just wish something good would turn up.
10:32- So would everyone, Rodney.
10:35That's why they're all out there
10:36doing the Lottery, ain't they?
10:38I mean, if it were up to me, what I'd like to do,
10:43I'd like to be able to say that was life's lucky dip.
10:47I'd like to just go, I love to just go.
10:50There it is, look, that is gonna change our lives.
10:56But it won't, will it, eh?
10:58'Cause life is not like that.
11:06Have you made any attempt to discuss this with Cassandra?
11:08- Del, will you just leave it alone?
11:10- I'm only tryin' to help, Rodney.
11:12You can't keep walking away from this.
11:14- I am not walking away from it!
11:16Look, you get the lift, I'll take the stairs.
11:18- Hang about.
11:19Look, it's here now.
11:20Don't bother.
11:21Come on, look it's here.
11:22Alright, I won't mention it again.
11:29- Look at the state of these lifts!
11:31What's going on in their brains?
11:33- Just a bunch of half-heads, ain't they?
11:38- Look!
11:39"Del Boy is a sex machine".
11:43Who'd write something like that?
11:46- I don't know!
11:52- 'Rodney Trotter".
11:54The lying gits!
11:59What's happening?
12:08- It's broken down.
12:10The lift, it's broken down.
12:12The poxy bleeding council.
12:16It's broken down, that's the matter with me!
12:19- Press the alarm button.
12:20- I'll do it!
12:21I'll press the alarm button,
12:22I'm pressing the alarm button!
12:24It's broken!
12:25It's not working either now.
12:27Come on up here!.
12:28There's a couple of blokes here trapped in the lift!
12:32- Alright, alright!
12:33There's no need to get in a lather about it.
12:36Someone will press for the lift in a minute,
12:38realize it's not working and call the engineers.
12:40We'll be out soon.
12:41- I just don't like being closed in like this.
12:46- I never knew you were claustrophobic.
12:48- I'm not!
12:48I just don't like being closed in like this!
12:52- Del, come on look, sit down on the floor and relax.
12:55They'll be here in a minute.
12:57- Yeah, yeah, alright, sit down, take it nice and easy,
13:00calm down, just calm down, will ya?
13:08- 'Cause the oxygen, right, falls down to the bottom,
13:11and this way we get cleaner air.
13:13- Yeah good, good!
13:29- Your lifts are broken again!
13:31We had to carry that stuff up 12 flights of stairs.
13:34- Del said him and Rodney'd be here to help.
13:37-[Both] So where are they?
13:40- Don't know.
13:41- Listen Raquel, it's not my fault.
13:44Del asked me to deliver that table
13:46and to store this stuff in my lock-up.
13:48- Yes.
13:49- And the table and chairs are only on hire.
13:51- Yeah they've gotta go back by Monday.
13:54They're having a posh do at the town hall.
14:03- They're not here yet, are they hey?!
14:06- Give 'em time.
14:08Sit down, take it easy.
14:10- Yeah, alright take it easy.
14:15- Let's play a game.
14:17- Play a game?
14:18Why, you got a ball in your pocket or something?
14:21- A different sort of game.
14:23I Spy.
14:25- I Spy?
14:26- Yeah go on, you can go first.
14:29- Alright then!
14:30I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
14:36- Walls?
14:37- Walls, that's right.
14:38There, that's the end of that game then, innit?
14:42- Alright, you choose the game.
14:43- Alright then.
14:44What about hide and seek?
14:46- I never thought I'd see you like this!
14:47You're acting like a big kid
14:48just 'cause we're trapped in a lift for a while.
14:53- Yeah, well you don't know how I feel!
14:56I feel, I feel sort of frightened!
15:01You don't know what that's like!
15:03- I don't know what it's like?
15:04How d'you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks
15:06since Cassie, since what happened?
15:11- I don't know.
15:12I don't know how you've felt, Rodney.
15:14- Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word!
15:19D'you know what I did the other night?
15:21- No, but I bet it was depressing!
15:24- I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
15:26- See, I was right!
15:28- No, not quite.
15:30I actually noticed moments of hope within those pages.
15:35I mean there weren't many, just the occasional
15:38oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism.
15:42They was simple hopes, as you'd
15:44expect for someone of my age.
15:47I hoped for, hairs.
15:52Hoped I'd do well in my exams.
15:58I even hoped for a good job when I left school.
16:01- Well, you got hairs, didn't you?
16:04Think how Right Said Fred must feel.
16:09- Me and Cass were so happy, Del.
16:12We were looking forward and all we could see
16:16in front of us was this big wide highway
16:18and we were just cruising down it, and
16:22all of the sudden it came to a shuddering halt.
16:25Just like this poxy lift.
16:29Suddenly "Happy Families" became "Dungeons and Dragons".
16:36And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.
16:46- Is Cassandra hurting?
16:48- Well of course she is!
16:51- How do you know?
16:53You haven't talked to her about it.
16:55- No, and do you know why?
16:57It's because, it's because like, it's almost like if
17:00I don't talk about it, it might not be true.
17:07- But it is.
17:08- I know, I know but if I don't say it.
17:12- If you don't say what?
17:16- We lost our baby!
17:22- But you did.
17:24And you have said it.
17:28- Yeah I said it!
17:36You just shield yourself from it, you know.
17:44I've just been lying, ain't I?
17:48- Yes and what about Cassandra?
17:54- Not her.
17:57Cassandra can't tell a lie.
18:00- Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.
18:12- Both those lifts have broken down again!
18:18Is this the stuff Del was talking about?
18:21- Yes.
18:29- Cassie seemed so fragile.
18:32I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it, but
18:36I was frightened I might sort of break her.
18:40- No, she's strong, Rodney.
18:45Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry.
18:51That's what mum used to say.
18:55- What do I say to her, Del?
18:59- Well, you tell her exactly what you told me.
19:02You can leave out the bit about the hairs, if you like.
19:08You go home right now and have a heart to heart, alright?
19:12And while you're there, you ask her
19:13if she wants to come round for dinner tonight.
19:16- I can't mate, I've got a real problem with that.
19:19- What is it?
19:21- I'm stuck in a bloody lift!
19:24- Oh yeah.
19:26Let's have another look at this thing, shall we?
19:33- Your claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?
19:35- Yeah, I got over the worst of it.
19:38- Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
19:41- Well, these things come and go, don't they?
19:43Look at what this little switch does, here.
19:51- You git!
19:53You stopped it!
19:57- It was the only way I could get you talking!
20:00You can't run away in a broken lift.
20:06- You git!
20:10You git!
20:15- Come here, alright?
20:18Come on!
20:21- What else, what else?
20:23I'm bound to have forgotten something.
20:24- Calm down, everything's fine.
20:26You'll have a hot flush in a minute.
20:27- I'm just so nervous something will go wrong.
20:31Del, please don't use
20:33any of your French phrases to my parents.
20:35- How's that, sweetheart?
20:36Aren't they up on the old French lingo, or what?
20:39- No.
20:40The meat!
20:41- I'll get a wine out of the fridge.
20:44- Well, everything seems to be going according to plan.
20:48- Damien, don't do that!
20:50Dear, oh dear.
20:52Look, it's only plastic, you'll break it.
20:55- I've made the gravy and put it in the bottom oven.
20:57- Thank you, Albert.
20:58- Damien, you go and sit round there, alright?
21:00Go on, that's a good boy.
21:01Right now remember, we've gotta go
21:02girl-boy, girl-boy, girl-boy and uncle Albert.
21:06(doorbell rings)
21:08- What's that?
21:10- Oh God!
21:10- Calm down the lot of you, I'll answer the door.
21:14Lot of good you'd have been on the Russian convoys.
21:21Good evening.
21:23Please come in.
21:24- You must be Raquel's parents.
21:26- Yes, my wife Audrey, and I'm James.
21:29- Lovely to meet you, please follow me.
21:36- She did say he was older than her.
21:38- I know, but.
21:43- Hi Mum, Dad.
21:45- Darling.
21:47- Nanny, Grandad!
21:48- Watch out, here comes trouble!
21:50- Mum, Dad, this is Derek's brother. Rodney,
21:53and his wife, Cassandra, James and Audrey.
21:55- Lovely to meet you. - Pleasure.
21:57- Lovely to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
21:59- And this is my. this is Derek.
22:04- Au revoir.
22:08- Oh you're Derek.
22:10We thought that.
22:11- We thought, we thought you were busy working this evening.
22:14- Oh no, not this evening.
22:15Not on a special occasion like this.
22:18- As it is a special occasion I've bought
22:20this rather nice bottle of Porto.
22:22It's 15 years old.
22:23- Thank you, 15 years old?
22:25We'll have to watch that, it might have acne!
22:32Well okay, let's get started.
22:34Shall we start with a nice little aperitif?
22:41I'm knocking them bandy, ain't I?
22:47- Right, there's the gravy.
22:50- Rodney, would you fill the wine glasses, please?
22:53- Yes of course.
22:55More wine Audrey?
22:56- Thank you.
22:57- James?
22:58- No, I don't think I should.
23:00I've got to drive back to the hotel tonight.
23:02- Why don't you get a cab back,
23:03pick up the car in the morning?
23:05- What do you think?
23:06- It's your decision.
23:07- What the hell, pour away, Rodney.
23:10- Yes, that's the spirit, you know it makes sense.
23:12You can always leave your car outside.
23:15We'd better put the car in our garage.
23:18- Is it not safe outside?
23:19- Well, not if you've become attached
23:21to your wheels it's not.
23:24There we go, look, excuse the fingers.
23:28I'm just gonna get another bottle of wine.
23:32So why don't you all, CShappelle Audent?
23:39- So Albert was in the navy?
23:41- Very much so.
23:43- I was in the Royal Navy myself, 12 years, first officer.
23:46- You and Albert shall have to have a chat.
23:48- After we've gone home!
23:53- It's going really well out there.
23:55Have them coming, open another bottle of wine.
23:58What are you doing?
24:00- I've made the coffee.
24:01- What do you mean, you made the coffee?
24:03It's too early.
24:04They haven't finished their mains yet!
24:06- It don't usually take us that long
24:08to finish our dinner, does it?
24:10- I know that.
24:11That's because we're not
24:12galloping down a Big Mac and chips, are we?
24:15We've got guests, we're taking our time
24:18we're savoring the food and the ambience,
24:21we're sipping the wine and we're conversing.
24:24Out there, they're having a chat between each mouthful.
24:28It's sophisticated, it's civilized.
24:31Okay, don't worry.
24:33I'll whack this in the microwave.
24:39Oi just a minute.
24:41What coffee d'you make this with?
24:43That jar over there.
24:46- This ain't coffee, smell it!
24:48It's bloody gravy!
24:51- Yeah, that's gravy.
24:52It's not my fault, it's them jars!
24:54Look at 'em!
24:55How am I supposed to tell the difference?
24:58- I'll tell you how to tell the difference!
24:59This one has on the label Maxwell House Coffee
25:03and this label says Oxo gravy granules!
25:07That's a bit of a giveaway really, innit?
25:10- Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
25:13- I'll mix you up in a minute.
25:15Wait a minute.
25:16If you've made gravy in the coffee pot,
25:21what are they pouring over their dinners in there?
25:28- This looks lovely darling.
25:30- Yeah looks great, Raquel.
25:31- Thank you.
25:34- Alright?
25:35- Wonderful.
25:38- Cushty.
25:43They're only doing it.
25:45They're only out there doing it now!
25:48They're pouring Maxwell bleedin' House
25:50over their lamb noisettes and veg.
25:55I don't believe you!
25:58Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier
26:01and battleship that you ever sailed on, but now
26:04you've gone and knackered the gravy boat!
26:08What are we gonna do?
26:10- Well, I ain't having any of it!
26:16- Not yet, darling, wait for Daddy.
26:19- So, how long were you in the navy, Albert?
26:21- Over 50 years, man and boy.
26:22Started in the merchant,
26:24went on to the Royal then back to the merchant.
26:26- Amazing, you must have some stories to tell.
26:29- Oh God yes.
26:33- Sorry about that, couldn't get the cork out of the wine.
26:38- Del?
26:39- No!
26:40No, thank you.
26:42I'm trying to give it up.
26:44- Albert?
26:45- Not for me, dear.
26:46- Oh yes, you'll have some!
26:49You know how you like your gravy.
26:51Don't ya?
26:59You git!
27:03- Are you a naval man, Derek?
27:05- No, no James, I'm more of a leg man myself.
27:13- No, Dad meant were you in the navy?
27:16- Oh I see, no I wasn't actually, James.
27:19Though when I was younger
27:20I did consider a career in the services.
27:25- Everything alright, Mum?
27:30- This is horrible!
27:42- I hope you won't be offended darling,
27:44but I'm rather full up.
27:47- Same here!
27:50- No, no, come on, we've got afters to come yet.
27:51We've got mandarin segments and Instant Whip!
27:55- No, I feel not that hungry.
27:55- So am I.
27:56- Alright well, I'll fetch the coffee.
28:02- Right.
28:09- Ahoy there, Jimbo.
28:11- Morning, Derek.
28:13Rodney.
28:14- How are you this morning?
28:15- Oh fine had a bit of a jippy tummy last night.
28:18Well, thanks for looking after the car.
28:20- Mange-tout, mange-tout, mon plaisir.
28:23- So this is your Aladdin's cave I've heard so much about?
28:26- Yes, this is it.
28:28As I was saying Jim,
28:29you and I are in the same sort of business.
28:31I mean, you're an antiques dealer
28:33and I've got some interesting things.
28:36- Yes well, must dash, long journey.
28:38You must come and visit us sometime.
28:40- Yes I will, you bet.
28:41Now, you mind how you go, eh?
28:43- What's that?
28:46- It's a gas stove.
28:48- No, I mean on top of it.
28:53- Oh, that's just an old watch I got out of
28:56a house clearance years ago.
28:58I'll tell you what I have got.
28:59I've got some very nice Showaddywaddy LPs.
29:08- Good Lord!
29:09- Yeah, I know, it's filthy, innit eh?
29:11Rodney, have you got any of that WD40 there?
29:13We'll get this thing wiped up.
29:15- No, I mean, it has the name Harrison engraved in it.
29:17You see that?
29:18Harrison AD1774.
29:22How did you come by this watch, Derek?
29:25- Well, it was about 15, 16 years ago.
29:28There was this old girl down Deptford way.
29:31She owned a pawn shop.
29:33Anyway she died, she had no family, so they sold off the
29:36shop and her landlord asked me to clear out her house.
29:40I found that and a lot of other rubbish up in the loft.
29:45Why, is it any good then?
29:46- Good?
29:47John Harrison was just about
29:49the finest watch-maker of his time.
29:51Of any time.
29:53If this is what I'm beginning to think it is,
29:57God I'm shaking.
29:59- Why, you didn't have that much to
30:00drink last night, did ya?
30:02- Have you any proof that this watch is your property?
30:05A receipt, something like that.
30:06- No, you see, I don't keep receipts,
30:09they just clutter the place up.
30:12Do you reckon that's worth something then?
30:15- Assuming it's not a copy, yes.
30:18- Hold on, 16 years ago?
30:20That's when I started working for you.
30:22- Yes thank you, Rodney,
30:23could we leave "This Is Your Life" to Michael Aspel!
30:27- I meant, I used to keep files then, hold on.
30:31- Hold on.
30:34- You see, Derek, I've always been very keen on horology.
30:39- I thought it was too good to be true.
30:40Now he's gonna tell our bloody fortune.
30:44- No, horology.
30:46It means he's an expert in watches.
30:49- Oh, that sort of horology.
30:52- I've got it.
30:53A receipt from the landlord.
30:55For two paintings, four jugs, one rocking chair,
30:59one silver fob watch engraved "Harrison".
31:02- Good boy, Rodders.
31:05What have I always told you?
31:06I've always said always keep the receipts.
31:09You never know when they're coming handy.
31:11- What have you written down hear?
31:12Victorian watch.
31:13- Yes, thank you very much, Rodney.
31:13There you are, Jimbo.
31:14- This is marvelous, I've never been so excited.
31:17- I bet Audrey had a blinding honeymoon then!
31:22- What exactly do you think it is then?
31:25- I'm almost too frightened to say!
31:26To put it simply.
31:28Back in the early 1700s sea captains
31:31found it almost impossible to plot their
31:33positions once out of sight of land.
31:34Until John Harrison invented the first
31:36accurate marine timekeeper to tell seafarers
31:40exactly where they were on the globe.
31:43He went on to make many of these instruments,
31:45and we know the whereabouts of all of them,
31:47except the last one, the Lesser Watch as he called it.
31:50We have the designs for the piece
31:52but the watch itself was never found.
31:54People have been searching for it for over 300 years.
31:58- You don't think that's it, do you?
32:00- If it is, Rodney, God!
32:05- Blimey!
32:07- So next thing we know,
32:08Raquel's old man's been on the phone to us.
32:11- And he showed it to some experts and it's only kosher.
32:15- This is the watch that's been missing for over 300 years?
32:18- Yes, the Harrison Lesser Watch.
32:20- So what is it?
32:26- It's a watch!
32:30- It's more than that.
32:31It lets you know exactly where you are
32:33anywhere in the world.
32:35- How did it get lost then?
32:42- I don't know how it got lost!
32:43It just did.
32:45- If I hadn't realized it's full value and rescued it,
32:48I mean it could have ended up anywhere!
32:50- Yeah, like chucked on top of an old gas cooker.
32:54- And it's gonna be auctioned?
32:56- That's right.
32:57This afternoon, 2:30 at Sotheby's.
32:59-[All] Ohh!
33:02- Ohh.
33:10- So, how much do they reckon it's worth, then?
33:12- They don't know 'cause nothing like this
33:14has ever come on the market before.
33:15Could be 10 grand.
33:17- Yeah, 15!
33:18- 20 maybe.
33:19- Well, on your way back from the auction
33:21drop by my showrooms. I've got a lovely couple
33:24of Skodas at five grand each.
33:28- You won't be laughing like that
33:29when we come back this afternoon.
33:30- So you two could be famous then,
33:32well, amongst watchmakers.
33:35- Yeah, why not, we discovered it.
33:37And as Andy Warhol said,
33:39"Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes."
33:41- How can everyone be famous for 15 minutes?
33:43There's not enough time in the world, is there?
33:48- No, no he didn't mean everyone would be famous!
33:51He was just generalizing upon modern society.
33:53You know, people became famous
33:55for a little while then they disappear.
33:56Like Rene and Renatta, Simon Dee.
34:01- Or Ghandhi.
34:04- So see maybe this time it's our Ghandhi?
34:10- Yeah I mean, he made one great film
34:13and then you never saw him again.
34:21- No, let's go, let's go.
34:36- 22,000.
34:3924,000
34:4228, 30, 32, 35.
34:5135,000.
34:5438,000.
34:58One more bid.
35:0040,000, the bid is 40,000 pounds.
35:05- Is that ours, Rodney?
35:06- Don't be stupid!
35:08- 45,000
35:1245,000 I'm selling at 45,000.
35:17Sold at 45,000.
35:19Paddle number 674.
35:22Now we come to lot 73.
35:28A solid silver pocket marine timekeeper.
35:33This was found in London by two brothers.
35:36Unfortunately they held on the piece for 16 years
35:38believing it to be a Victorian egg-timer.
35:46This is quite simply the most significant discovery
35:49in horological terms of this century.
35:52The watch has been authenticated and accepted
35:54by all the leading experts as being the
35:56last watch ever made by John Harrison.
35:59It is the fabled H6, the until now mythical "Lesser Watch".
36:05Now, I feel I need say no more
36:07and I'd like to start the bidding at 150,000 pounds.
36:18Thank you.
36:19200,000.
36:23250.
36:26- Oh dear.
36:28It was when he said 150,000.
36:30That's when I came over really bad, me.
36:33- It went on, Del.
36:35200,000, 250, 300.
36:38That's when I dragged you out.
36:40You mean it ended up at 300,000 pounds?
36:43- It's still going on!
36:45- Well come on, let's get back up there.
36:49- Three and a quarter.
36:53The bid is in the room.
36:56Three and a half.
36:58- 350,000 quid!
37:03- Three and three quarters.
37:06- Four, thank you.
37:10The bid stands at four million pounds.
37:44- So, what was the final outcome?
37:49- It was bought by an anonymous bidder.
37:52He's giving it to the Maritime Museum at Greenwich.
37:55So, at least it stays in the country.
37:57- Oh, that's nice, innit?
38:02No, you Wally!
38:05What was the final score?
38:07What exactly did it go for?
38:17- Oh 6.2 million.
38:22So that's just over 3 million each.
38:28- Well we've had worse days, haven't we?
38:33- Oh yeah.
38:37You want to go first or should I?
38:41- Why don't we go together?
38:44- Yeah, alright.
38:47One, two, three.
38:50(screams)
39:10- Bring your family down.
39:12Have your photograph taken next to it.
39:18- It's beautiful though, ain't it Rodders, eh?
39:20Luxury and style.
39:22Very me, don't you think?
39:24- Yeah!
39:26Buy it!
39:28- Yeah, shall I?
39:29- You like it, buy it.
39:33- No, no.
39:35Not until that cheque is cleared.
39:37I've got a terrible feeling
39:38that this whole deal's gonna go pear-shaped.
39:41- Del, we're dealing with Sotheby's
39:43and the Greenwich Museum, not Ronnie and Reggie!
39:48- But I mean, if this goes tits-up
39:49I'm landed with a 70 grand debt, ain't I?
39:52- Yeah, take your point.
39:55Well, go on in, you sit in the nice car,
39:57see if it suits you.
39:59- Yeah, alright then I will.
40:04Yes, my son.
40:06Oh, yes!
40:11- That Rolls Royce out there.
40:14I wanna buy it.
40:17- That's a good one, Rodney!
40:20Tell me, what drugs are you on this week?
40:23(laughs)
40:44- There you go, it's yours.
40:49- You what?
40:50- The Roller, it's yours.
40:52I've just bought it for you.
40:58- You bought this Roller for me?
41:02Why?
41:04- A little present.
41:07Just to say thanks.
41:17(sweet music)
42:18(group applauds)
42:27(sweet music)
42:59- Yes sir, what can I get you?
43:02- Champagne all round hey.
43:11- Hold on!
43:13I think we've left our wallets at home again.
43:15- Please sir, that is not a problem.
43:18- On the slate, Mike?
43:21- On the house, Del!
43:25- No, no, Michael, we'll pay our way.
43:27And while we're at it, I'll have all your sandwiches!
43:30That's it, alright, go get them.
43:33- Let me look where me money is.
43:34- No, no Rodney.
43:35I'll get the sandwiches, 'cause you bought the Rolls.
43:40(sweet music)
43:55♫ I'll light the fire
43:58♫ You place flower in the vase that you bought today
44:09♫ Staring at the fire for hours and hours
44:15♫ While I listen to you
44:19♫ Play your love songs all night long for me
44:30♫ Only for me
44:37♫ Come to me now and rest your head for just five minutes
44:40- Yes!
44:43♫ Everything is good
44:50♫ Such a cozy room the windows are illuminated by the
44:58♫ Sunshine through them fiery gems for you only for you
45:17♫ Our house is a very very very fine house
45:24♫ With two dogs in the yard
45:27♫ Life used to be so hard
45:31♫ Now everything is easy 'cause of you
46:06♫ Our house is a very very very fine house
46:12♫ With two dogs in the yard
46:16♫ Life used to be so hard
46:20♫ Now everything is easy 'cause of you
46:32♫ I'll light the fire
46:35♫ You put the flowers in the vase that you bought today
47:37-[Woman] Del Boy, it's time to get up, it's 7:30.
47:42- Yeah, alright mum.
47:45-[Woman] It's your fault if you've got a hangover.
47:48You can't have today off, you're taking your 11 plus.
47:57-[Man] I never raised a hand to your mother Rodney,
48:00except in self-defense.
48:11-[Man] Your dad always said that one day Del Boy
48:13would reach the top but then again he used to say
48:16that one day Millwall would win the cup.
48:42- Alright?
48:45- Yeah what you doing here?
48:48- Raquel phoned, said you'd gone missing.
48:52I said wait for the ransom note to arrive
48:54but she said go and find him, so.
48:57I guessed you'd be here.
49:00- I'm just taking one last look at the old place, Rodney.
49:05Funny, innit, just think of all them years, you know.
49:09Us scrimping and scraping.
49:12Going out in all-hours, just trying to earn a few bobs
49:16so we could put a bit of grub on the table.
49:19And all the time down in that garage
49:22we had this famous thing, worth 6 million quid.
49:28- Yeah, that crossed my mind and all!
49:32Still!
49:36You put the flat on the market yet?
49:39- No, not yet no, I just didn't have the heart to.
49:45You know, I wanted to think about Mum and Granddad.
49:50Yeah I'll do it in a couple of weeks, you know.
49:53I'll give it to some estate agent.
49:56You know, I'll let them have the carpet.
50:04- Yeah, they won't mind.
50:06- Talking about that, I called into
50:09the travel agents the other day.
50:11Booked us all a holiday in Barbados.
50:16My treat.
50:17- Nice, flying first class?
50:21- Concorde.
50:22- Even better.
50:29Shame about Albert's boat, weren't it?
50:36- What a stupid place to put a bridge, Rodney.
50:40- I thought that right over a river like that.
50:47So how are you?
50:48- Me?
50:52Just wonderful ain't I you know.
50:54Everything's coming up roses.
50:58- Alright, what's wrong?
51:04- I always wanted to be a millionaire, Rodney.
51:09I always wanted a Rolls-Royce and a big house in the country
51:13and jet off to the Caribbean and all that.
51:17- Well, you've got it.
51:19- I know.
51:22But it's not like I thought it would be.
51:27All the dreaming and the scheming and the chasing
51:32and the trying that was the fun part, you know?
51:37It was dangerous, it was impossible.
51:44It was like Columbo sailing away to find America,
51:53not knowing whether he was gonna fall
51:56off the edge of the world.
52:00That's how I used to feel.
52:03- Well, you fell off a couple of times, didn't you?
52:08- Once a month, bruv.
52:10Once a month regular.
52:12You know, now I've done it,
52:15now I've achieved what I wanted.
52:20The chase is finished.
52:24The hunt is over.
52:28What am I gonna do now?
52:31Learn to play golf?
52:34- Well, you've got the trousers for it at least.
52:39Look, why don't you just enjoy your retirement?
52:43- 'Cause I don't wanna enjoy my retirement.
52:47I wanna feel like I used to feel, all eager and alive.
52:54I want something exciting to happen.
53:01Dear oh dear?
53:03What are you doing, unc?
53:04I thought you was a ghost!
53:06- He never got the hang of this haunting lark, did he?
53:09- What you two doing here?
53:10- Well, never mind what us two are doing here.
53:12What are you doing here?
53:13- Well, I just come back to pick up a few of me belongings.
53:17I thought I'd have one last look
53:19at the flat before you sell it.
53:24- Yeah, well, we've had a good look, eh?
53:27Come on, let's lock up and go.
53:37(phone rings)
53:42- I must have forgot to tell
53:43British Telecom that we're gone.
53:46Yeah, hello?.
53:48Who?
53:50Hello Lennie, how you doing, pal?.
53:53Alright?
53:54Lennie Norris.
53:57You do what?
53:59Really?
54:01Hang on.
54:02Listen.
54:03He's got 250 electronic carpet steamers.
54:07Now listen, they retail at a 115 quid,
54:11he's gonna let us have them for 25 nicker.
54:16- Del, we're not in the business any more.
54:21- I know, Rodney, we can double our money on this.
54:26- Derek, can you hear me over those trousers?
54:33We are not in the business anymore, mate.
54:42- Hello, Lenny.
54:44No, we're not interested.
54:48Trotters Independent Traders has ceased trading.
54:55Bonjour.
55:04Tell you what.
55:06Fancy going down to the Golden Dragon for a Chinese?
55:10- Yeah I'm feeling a bit peckish now you mention it.
55:13- Yeah, I could do a sweet and sour something.
55:16- Yeah, alright.
55:19I'll tell you what, Rodders.
55:20Let's leave the cars here, shall we, and just take a toddle.
55:26- Yeah, alright.
55:30- Mange Dieu, Mange Dieu, what a fool I've been.
55:37- What's wrong now?
55:38- Well, here I am thinking now we've got
55:40all this money that spells like the end of it.
55:44But it don't, does it?
55:46It's like the beginning.
55:48Because for the first time in our lives
55:50we've got money to invest!
55:53- No!
55:54- Dangerous business, investment!
55:56- Come on Rodders.
55:58You remember all those years you used to say to me
56:00"Del Boy, we should be investing."
56:01- No no I never said that!
56:03- Well, it must have been me then.
56:04I remember it was one of us that got it right.
56:07Now we can invest big-time in the futures market.
56:10We can get into Hong Kong, Singapore, Peking.
56:14- I don't want to invest, alright?
56:16- Rodders, have I ever let you down?
56:19- Yes!
56:20- When?
56:21- A couple of years ago when you told me
56:24I'd won a holiday in a painting competition
56:26but forgot to mention that, for an entire week,
56:28I would have to pretend to be 14.
56:31- That's always been your problem, Rodney.
56:34You're always dwelling on the past.
56:37Mum said to me on her deathbed.
56:39- Oi don't you start on about Mum and her deathbed!
56:41- She said to me on her deathbed, she said to me
56:43"Del Boy, if ever you and little Rodney become rich,
56:46"you must invest in the futures market!"
56:49- You liar!
56:50'Cause there wasn't a futures market when Mum was alive!
56:53- Now, what you don't see,
56:54that shows you what a visionary she was!
56:56Come on Rodney, this is our big chance.
57:00He who dares wins!
57:03This time next year we could be billionaires!
57:14♫ We've got some
57:16♫ Half price cracked ice
57:17♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
57:18♫ TVs
57:19♫ Deep freeze
57:19♫ And David Bowie LPs
57:20♫ Ball games
57:21♫ Gold chains
57:22♫ What's-names
57:23♫ Pictures frames
57:24♫ And leather goods
57:25♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
57:26♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
57:30♫ No income tax no VAT
57:32♫ No money back no guarantee
57:35♫ Black or white rich or poor
57:38♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
57:43♫ God bless Hooky Street
57:46♫ Viva Hooky Street
57:49♫ Long live Hooky Street
57:52♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
57:55♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
58:00♫ Hooky Street
58:03♫ Hooky Street
58:06♫ Hooky Street
58:09♫ Hooky Street
58:12♫ Hooky Street
58:15♫ Hooky Street