Only Fools and Horses S00E18 — If They Could See US Now

Every line from “If They Could See US Now” (841 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03# Stack of money in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# Cos if you want the best ones but you don't ask questions
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
00:18# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea
00:25# But he's the one who's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:42What's up with you, Rodney?
00:45I'm a bit nervous. I mean, this bloke we're gonna see, this Justin,
00:51he's not gonna ask about my private life?Of course he ain't. Well, not that private.
00:57He's not going to want to know about you and Cassandra's little problems.
01:02No, no, good, cos otherwise I wou... What problems?
01:06Me and Cassandra haven't got any problems.That's not what you said.
01:11She...
01:12All right, so there have been some hiccups in the bedroom department
01:19but they're personal and I told you in confidence.All right.
01:23I won't tell him about your thongs.
01:28And I won't tell him what Cassandra wears!
01:32Sorry to keep you waiting. It's been a busy morning.
01:36Now I've got all your business details, but I'd like an insight into the real you.
01:43How you started, how you became successful,
01:47but more importantly your lives and your...raison d'etre.
01:52Er...laboratory garni.
01:59So, um...
02:01in your own words and in your own time.
02:06Well, where shall I start, Justin?
02:11Well, up to a few years ago...
02:14we were just very ordinary people living, well, very ordinary lives,
02:20weren't we?
02:40Then, as you know, one day I discovered an historic and almost priceless artefact.
02:47We didn't know what to do with it. We thought about donating it to a museum as a national treasure.
02:55Yeah, then we decided to flog it.
02:58Before you know it, Rodders and me have come in nigh on six and a half million quid.
03:09We divvied the dosh up, making sure our uncle Albert got a nice drink.
03:14But...
03:16we thought of others first.
03:19We donated to charity, anonymously, of course.
03:29So, eventually, we had to start thinking about our future.
03:35So, we sought out this, um...city stockbroker.
03:39He advised us to invest in a new and vibrant venture.
03:44It was the Central American market. It was attracting finance worldwide.
03:49We made more money than the Royal Mint.But we weren't flash.
03:53Oh, no, no, we weren't flash.
03:58When we went on business, we always took the family with us.
04:02'There would be me and Raquel, my significant other and, of course...'
04:08Rodney, Cassandra, cheers.
04:12Ow!
04:14And not forgetting my son Damien.
04:17Huh, he's a lad, isn't he, eh?
04:25# She's into superstition
04:28# Black cats and voodoo dolls
04:31# I feel a premonition
04:33# That girl's gonna make me fall
04:42# She's into new sensations
04:45# New kicks in the candlelight
04:47# She's got a new addiction
04:50# For every day and night... #
04:56Oh, Mr Trotter... good to see you again.
05:02Bonnet de douche, Dominic, bonnet de douche.
05:06Del, you've got to have a word with Damien. People are complaining.
05:11Oh, no, what's he done now?He's just weed in the swimming pool.
05:16Come on, Cassandra, all little boys do a Johnny Cash in the swimming pool.
05:22But not from the top diving board.
05:31Silly little git!
05:35# She'll make you go insane
05:38# Upside, inside out
05:41# She's living la vida loca
05:43# She'll push and pull you down
05:46# Living la vida loca... #
05:49This is the business, innit, Rodders?It's not too bad, is it?
05:54Old uncle Albert would love it here.
05:57You bet your life he's been here before.
06:01Still, he's happy down there on the coast next door to the sea.
06:05And he's living in sin with old Elsie Partridge, his "girlfriend".
06:10His girlfriend? Do me a favour!
06:14I heard she was the one that cut the ribbon on the opening of Stonehenge.
06:19But we don't have to sit through the battle of the Baltic every night.
06:24"During the war..."
06:27Come on, Rodders, I feel lucky tonight.
06:32Del, I can't, mate.What?
06:35I promised Cassandra - no gambling, no discos, no talking to women and no boozing.
06:43What she meant was not to excess. You're not on probation, are you?
06:51I'll treat us to champagne to get us started.
06:55Hey-hey! "During the war,
06:58"I was on board this battle cruiser..."
07:02And then...just as everything seemed to be going so well...
07:07# Her lips are devil red and her skin's the colour of mocha
07:11# She will wear you out... #
07:14'Something...'
07:16Ooh!
07:18'Something terrible happened.'
07:28Chateauneuf du Pape!
07:34Negotiations between the Central American countries had collapsed.
07:39We was wiped out. We'd even paid for the hotel on a credit card,
07:46which had now been withdrawn.
07:48But Derek is a very creative businessman and he came up with a solution to our dilemma.
08:02# Come on!
08:06# Livin' la vida loca! #
08:08Monsieur Trotter, your bill!
08:11# Livin' la vida loca! #
08:14It's time to go.
08:17If you care to follow me, gentlemen.
08:29How long did it take for the news to hit the UK?As long as it took someone to push a button on the net.
08:35All our "business associates" wouldn't return our calls. We were in a financial wilderness.
08:42But we come from a strong community
08:45and when our friends from Peckham heard, they were as gutted as us, weren't they?
08:51LAUGHTER
09:00There's a name that crops up every now and then, um...Michael Fisher, the landlord of a public house,
09:08the Nag's Head, Peckham - what part did he play in the proceedings?
09:12Mike invested his life savings in our venture.He remortgaged the pub.
09:17Will he be giving evidence? No, he's in prison.
09:21He's awaiting trial.
09:24The fraud squad claims he tried to recoup his losses
09:29by embezzling the brewery.
09:32Never was a man more innocent.
09:34I take it Mr Fisher will be pleading not guilty?
09:38No, he confessed.
09:50For God's sake, Denzil, sit down, you're wearing the marble out!
09:55I've never been a character witness before.You think we have?
10:00Del's made a terrible mistake.
10:03Of course he's made a terrible mistake. That's why he's in court.
10:09I mean having you four as character witnesses.
10:12It's like inviting the Manson family to dinner.
10:17Del and Rodney were quite confident.
10:20They're meeting Raquel and Cassandra for a celebration lunch, so I'd avoid Pizza Hut!
10:29Del was NOT confident. He was deeply worried. He didn't even touch me up!
10:37I'm the one with most to worry about. Why?
10:40Cos I'm managing the Nag's head and how do I know what Mike got up to?
10:46How does Sid know Mike didn't post-date his fiddles to be his?
10:52There's nothing to be nervous about. Just go in and tell the truth.
10:57Trig, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney will be sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils.
11:06- What are you going to do in there? - Tell 'em I hear voices.
11:11You're not on trial as a witness.
11:14I know...but I hear voices.
11:19Oh, Gawd, it's gonna be one of them days!
11:24Your properties were company-owned, so you've lost your homes.
11:28Yes, I had a lovely little place on the river.
11:32Well, I had an estate with peacocks and everything.
11:36Anyway, at least we weren't homeless.
11:40Due to my foresight some years previously,
11:43I had bought another property, so we had somewhere to live.
11:48Yeah, our old flat in Nelson Mandela House.
11:52It just goes to show you how our fortune altered, everything changed.
11:57Yeah. All our good luck turned to bad.
12:00Every day there was more rows, more bad news.
12:04We thought things couldn't possibly get worse,
12:07but, oh boy, how wrong we were!
12:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:18Good evening. Welcome to the quiz show everyone is talking about.
12:23This is the fastest game show on TV. This is Monday, I'm Jonathan Ross
12:28and this is Goldrush.
12:36Don't look at me with that Ann Robinson face!
12:39I'll look at you any way I like.
12:45I'm trying to do something about it.
12:48What exactly are you doing?I'm after a stockbroker.You've got one!
12:53That is the one I'm after.
12:56Why didn't he tell me it was going to crash?
12:59He phoned you six times - on Monday he said he had to speak to you urgently, but you were too busy.
13:06Water-skiing!
13:08You wasted our birthrights!Then Trotters' hired a helicopter to go to Nice to collect some magazines.
13:16Unbelievable!
13:17That was you!
13:21Oh, yeah.
13:23Well, I'm a big man, I've got broad shoulders.
13:26The buck stops here. I take full responsibility,
13:30even though it was Rodney's fault.
13:32How the hell was it my fault?
13:35You were director of administration.
13:38That meant he organised the parties.
13:41They were as exciting as a Buddhist's hen night.
13:45You were the managing director, the chairman, the chief executive and the president.
13:51Oh, it's my fault?!Either you or this is the year of the dodo!
13:57You can't lay all the blame at Derek's door. I know it's tempting.
14:05Why is it whenever we've got anything resembling a future, he nauses it up?That's the way he is.
14:12Thank you.
14:17It's unfair of you to blame Rodney. After all, he is your brother.
14:21Like a brother, he's let me down all his life.
14:27If I've always been such a letdown, why insist on having me around?
14:33To keep my promise to Mum.
14:36And you never know when you might need bone marrow.
14:42PHONE RINGS
14:45Cassandra, answer that, please. Yes, sir(!)
14:48This time next year we'll be millionaires.
14:51This time last week we were millionaires!
14:55I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Go in the kitchen, then.
15:00Look, I've worked it all out. I'm serious.
15:04I've worked out a way we can make £100,000. Invest it wisely...
15:09Invest it wisely.Invest it wisely. And you and I can buy a nice little gaff each.
15:15All right, go on, then.
15:18What's the plan?
15:20I wasn't going to say anything, but... Ready?
15:25I'm going to apply to go on Goldrush.
15:33What's amusing?
15:35Derek, one of the questions was who introduced the potato to England? You said, "King Edward."
15:46I didn't hear the question properly.
15:48Del, if you want to appear on TV why don't you try something more simple?
15:54Go on Stars In Their Eyes as Barry White.
15:57Del, Del!
16:01It's Elsie Partridge's son.What's he want?It's Uncle Albert. Sorry.
16:06Mmm?I'm so sorry.
16:45Right, are you ready?
16:47Shall I bring the wreath?Best leave it till the hearse arrives.Yeah.
16:52Come on.
16:59Hello, we're Albert's nephews, Derek and Rodney Trotter from Peckham.
17:05I'm Marion. I did a bit of cleaning for Albert.
17:09Lovely man.
17:13Went on a bit.
17:16Excuse me, excuse me.
17:19This is Cassandra, that's Rodney's wife.
17:22This is Damien, my son.
17:25This is Raquel - she's my significant other.
17:28Nice to meet you all. Come in and have a drink.
17:32Thank you.
17:37Thank you.
17:40No, I'm OK.
17:46Damien, put it back.
17:52I feel bad about leaving him here when we was all off globetrotting.
17:58He was with Elsie.But Elsie was in a rest home for the last six months.
18:03He had all her family around him. He was having a good time.
18:08Yeah, it's just that I wished we'd taken him with us when we went to Barbados and them other places.
18:15We did ask, but remember the ancient mariner, who'd been round the world more times than a satellite,
18:23never had a passport.Good job Hitler didn't find out. Albert would have been in right trouble.
18:40Hey, Rodney.
18:43The old sod!
18:45He only had his own monogrammed brandy glass.
18:49He loved his cognac, didn't he? "Just to keep the old coals at bay."
18:54I'm Roland. I was married to Albert's niece Eileen.
18:59This is my brother Rodney.Rodney.
19:02Cassandra, come and say hello.
19:04This is his wife.Hello.
19:07This is my son, Damien. This is...Raquel.
19:10And this is Derek, my significant other.
19:16Nice to meet you all. I suppose we'll all miss him in our way.Yeah.
19:22Missing him already.
19:24I tell you one thing we won't miss - all those bloody wartime sagas.
19:30ROLAND CHORTLES
19:33Actually, we used to love hearing about his past.
19:37Couldn't get enough of it.
19:40Yeah, but he did go on, didn't he?
19:43He never bloody stopped!
19:46Well, you'd have to blame me for that...Roland.
19:50I used to love them stories -
19:53so much so that when he said, "Then Germany surrendered," I'd say,
19:58"Tell it again," and he'd go right through it.
20:02We'd stay up all night sometimes, wouldn't we?
20:06More fool you. I'd say, "Oi! Knock off the John Wayne stuff. You'd think you'd won the war by yourself!"
20:13In many ways that's true. Everyone was fighting their own war.
20:21Remember, a lot of blokes lost their lives for our liberty
20:26so 50 years later, prats like you would have the freedom to knock 'em.
20:32All right?Take it easy. Have they got a garden here?
20:36We ought to go outside and have a more detailed chat!
20:40Del, that's enough. Go on, Dad - deck him!
20:45I didn't mean to upset anybody. Calm down.
20:48All right.The hearse is on its way.
20:52I'll go and get the wreath, so you just...All right, Rodney.
21:03Have you calmed down?
21:06Yes, yes. All right. It's all right, sweetheart.
21:10Another thing - none of the others have bothered to turn up - Boycie, Marley, Denzil, Trigger, that lot.
21:17"We'll be there - pay our last respects." Well, where are they?
21:23You'd have thought Sid would have come. I mean, he was in the war.
21:27No, he's in the pub, making too much money.
21:32Maybe they had problems. It is a bit of a journey.Mike would have made an effort, and he's in the nick.
21:40Come on, you - outside. All right, all right.
21:48I didn't mean to offend anybody. It's OK. Emotions running high.
21:55I bet old Bunny's having a laugh at us.
21:58I bet he is.
22:01- Bunny? - Yeah, Albert.
22:05- Why call him Bunny? - He was called that in the RAF.
22:09Cos his surname was Warren.
22:28Is that a Spitfire, Dad?Hmm.
22:44We're at the wrong funeral.
22:49Yes.
23:39You have my sympathy, but I must bring you back to the matter in hand.
23:45Are there any mitigating circumstances to tell the court of?
23:50Yes, you must remember to tell them we were slaves to detail. Weren't we, Rodney?Absolutely.
23:56We always got our cheques off to the Inland Revenue on time.Always.
24:02Be upstanding.
24:06The Inland Revenue vs Trotters' Independent Traders.They bounced, but they was always on time!
24:17GAME BLEEPS
24:20I don't believe it! Where does he get all this crap from?
24:26I thought they'd bang you up. Wrong, Ratboy!
24:32Exonerated of all responsibility. You both got off? CASS: Not quite.
24:37Sit down. I'll get you a cup of tea. I need something stronger. What happened?
24:43The court declared me bankrupt.Will you go to prison?No! Well, not yet.
24:49What is it with prison?All his mates' dads are inside. He feels left out.Damien, tidy your room.
24:56I already did.Do it again.
25:00So what exactly does it mean?
25:03It means the Inland Revenue give you a year to pay off your debt.
25:08Then they come and take anything of any value.It won't affect us, then!
25:15We have got something of value. This flat. It's our home.
25:20They'll steal the roof from over our heads.That is not going to happen.
25:26Have you got an idea?No. It's been on the market for five years and no-one's looked at it!
25:32I had it up for its true value. They'll auction it for a third of its price.
25:38What are we going to do? You could always look for a job.
25:45Trigger said they're recruiting at his depot.
25:49The pay's not bad. I know it's road-sweeping, but...
25:52She's right, Del.
25:57Yeah, I suppose so.I'll help you fill in your application form.
26:01Me?!
26:05You can't expect Del to sweep roads - at his age.
26:10I was talking about you. Me?!Come on.
26:14Can you honestly see Rodney pushing a broom around? It's all right - they give training!
26:20How much do you actually owe the tax man?
26:24£48,750.
26:27..4.What?
26:30£48,754...4.
26:33Plus interest.Oh, well... Never really liked this place anyway.
26:39Look what you've done now. You've upset her.
26:44By adding four quid?
26:46No, it was Dopey there, talking about interest.
26:50It's got her worried.I don't want to talk to you. I'm having a shower.
26:55Yeah, well, don't use all the hot water.
26:59It's all right, sweetheart. We'll soon be back on our feet again.
27:04How? You owe nearly £49,000, plus interest.
27:09Yeah, it's not a very good start, I must admit.
27:13Let me do that. You get some plates.
27:16It'll be all right. I've worked it out.
27:19I've been a trader since I was 12.
27:23I could sell rice to the Chinese.
27:26I'll go back to trading, for a local firm.
27:30Yeah? Like who?It's called Trotters' Independent Traders.
27:35But the firm's been liquidised...or liquidated - whatever the word is.No, no.
27:41The firm can go on trading. It's just that I can't run it.
27:45That doesn't mean I can't work FOR it.
27:49We just need a new managing director.
27:52God, I actually got excited then. Who'd be stupid enough to take over Trotters' Independent Traders?
28:04There you go. Get that down your neck.Cheers.
28:08Well, I don't know what we're going to do, Rodney.No, me neither.
28:13Here I am, disqualified from running me own company.
28:17If I take out a loan, the tax man will nick me. If I work in cash, Customs and Excise will nick me.
28:24My credit rating is so low, I can't even pay with money!
28:30If only there was some way in which we could carry on trading.
28:34Yeah.
28:38No, it's no use you trying to cheer me up, Rodney.
28:42The company's finished. Trotters' Independent Traders is no more.
28:48It's kaput. It's dead - dead as the emu.
28:54That's not strictly true, is it?
28:57I mean, the company can still operate.
29:01It's just that, er, I'm banned from running it.
29:05I know.
29:12If only someone could take over the firm.
29:15Someone young and enthusiastic. Someone full of enthusiasm and ideas. Eh?
29:22I wonder who...
29:30Young and energetic,
29:33with ideas and enthusiasm...
29:38Hang on.You've thought of someone.
29:41Oh, no, he emigrated.
29:46("He emigrated"! What a wally!)
29:49(I just don't believe him sometimes.)
29:53There might be one person, Del.
29:56Whom?
29:58Me!
30:05You? How do you mean, Rodney?
30:08You've been made bankrupt and are not allowed to run a company, right?
30:13I haven't.
30:17No, you've got me all confused now.
30:21Let me explain in simple terms, right?
30:25Legally, nothing stops me taking over Trotters' Independent Traders.
30:30Let me see if I've got this right.
30:34What you're saying is, you could run the firm.
30:38By George! He's got it! That's a brilliant idea, Rodney!
30:42"Agent competent", as they say in Cannes.
30:46We'll see our lawyer tomorrow, go round Companies House,
30:50and make you the new managing director.
30:54Raquel, guess what! Rodney's come up with a brilliant idea to save us.
30:59He's going to be the managing director. I'll be in charge of sales, purchasing and finance...
31:08I'm surprised you didn't think of that.
31:11Just what I was thinking. CASSANDRA SCREAMS
31:16Damien, get away from that keyhole!
31:19DEL CHORTLES
31:23He's a lad, isn't he, eh?
31:29The world's full of surprises. Look - Mickey Pearce has learnt to read.
31:36"Trotters' Independent Traders, now under new management. Managing director, Rodney Trotter."
31:42Seen this?
31:44Rodney Trotter's a managing director. Yeah, and Cliff Richard's on 40 Silk Cut a day(!)
31:51No, it's true. Have a look.
31:54"Consultancy and party planning".
31:57Remember their last do? Depressing, weren't it?
32:01Albert's funeral.No, I'm talking about Rodney's wedding.
32:08I'll give him a call - wind him up.
32:10Leave him alone.
32:13They've suffered a setback, being made bankrupt.
32:17Don't you think it'd be rather insensitive?
32:20Yeah, I suppose you're right. Use my phone.
32:28Damien! We're going out in a minute to celebrate Daddy's new job with Uncle Rodney.
32:35Go to Wesley's flat. We'll get you later.
32:38JAMAICAN ACCENT: Don't force me, bitch!
32:41Oi, oi, oi!
32:44If you don't stop listening to that gansta rap, I'll rap you right round your lughole! Get ready.
32:51Honky!Ratboy!HONKY!
32:54Will you get out of here?!
32:57Ready, Rodney?I'm waiting for Cassandra. She's just getting...
33:02Hurry up, darling.
33:04..dressed.
33:11Very nice!
33:13I don't believe you did that! We're not even going out with you.
33:18Why not? Cos we're going out on our own.
33:21Cassandra suggested it. I think me becoming MD has made a difference.
33:26They say that power is an aphrodisiac, don't they?Yeah, well, I must say she's bubbling!
33:34Yeah, well... I'm taking her out to a club.
33:38When we first met, we danced. I thought it'd rekindle old memories.
33:44No, you wanna take her out to dinner. There's a nice new place opened down Jomo Kenyatta Grove.
33:51You don't understand.
33:53Dancing is the human form of the mating ritual, innit?
33:58That is, if you are a good dancer.
34:02I am a good dancer. You're not a good dancer.
34:06In that disco in Monte Carlo, you looked like Billy Elliot with worms!
34:14Mind you, going by what I've seen in there, you're on a winner tonight.
34:20Stop talking about my wife in her... Really?
34:26G-string? It's more like dental floss!
34:34DOORBELL CHIMES
34:39Evening, Del.Hello, Trig.
34:42Just go and jolly Raquel up.
34:45Raquel, hurry up! I'll have to have another shave in a minute!
34:50All right, Dave?
34:54Yes, I'm fine thank you, Trigger.
34:59STEREO PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC
35:09So, um... what are you doing here, Trig?
35:13Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.Oh, right.
35:17But you live closer to the pub than us.
35:22I know.
35:24In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.
35:31Yeah, but Del said he'd give me a lift.
35:37Right.
35:40MUSIC CONTINUES
35:52You put a bit of music on, Dave.
35:55Yes. Mozart's Symphony Number 38 in D Major.
36:01I find it helps me unwind. You know - eases my executive stress.
36:11Ain't there no words to this, Dave?
36:16No, there's no words, Trig. No. It's sort of instrumental.
36:21Raquel, two minutes or I'm going on my own.
36:25Cor, dear!
36:27What's this?
36:29It's Mozart's Symphony Number 38 in D Major.
36:35It's a karaoke version.
36:41PHONE RINGS
36:45Cassandra, answer that phone, will you?Yes, sir! Then I'll organise your bloody appointments!
36:51Trotters' Independent Traders. May I help?
36:55That is one moody mare, innit?
36:58You treat her like a secretary, and you've seen her drawers.
37:03I like Cassandra to answer the phone because she's got a nice voice.
37:08Anyway, if you two weren't so proud you could be living in her mum and dad's house.
37:14We've been through all this before. We're happy here.
37:18Well, we're here, anyway.
37:21I'm running the firm, Cassandra's applied for her old job,
37:25so eventually...we might have enough money to get a place.
37:29Sounds foreign. Wants to speak to the boss.
37:33All right.Oi! Excuse me. I'm the boss.
37:37Sorry. I keep forgetting. I knew it was lonely at the top. I didn't think it'd be this quick.
37:44I'll get you a beer, Trig. Trotters' Independent Traders...
37:48COD ARAB ACCENT: I am wishing to speak with managing director.
37:52This is he. I'm Rodney Trotter. I'm the managing director.
37:57I am representative of Sultan of Brunei.
38:02Wow!
38:04You'll never guess who's...on the phone - only the Sultan of Brunei. Yeah, right.
38:11My name is Asif Hassan.
38:14It's very nice to speak with you, sir.Who are you talking to?
38:19The Sultan of Brunei. Right. Come on, you.
38:22How may I be of assistance?
38:25You have ad in newspaper. His Highness would like to talk with you.
38:30Del, he's seen my advert.
38:33Sultan of Brunei reads the Peckham Echo, does he? What a Moby!
38:41If you get me another brush, I can do your other hand.Go away.
38:48His Highness, he would like you to fly to Brunei and be his consultant.
38:54No problem. What would he like to consult with me about?
38:59Recently, he bought a crappy old three-wheel van.
39:03LONDON ACCENT: He wants to know how to start it on cold mornings.
39:10Yeah, I had you going there!
39:16I knew it was you. I was winding you up.
39:22Oh, shove it, will you? Just shove it!
39:25When the going gets tough, the tough get going.What's happened?
39:30Dave had a row with the Sultan of Brunei.
39:33Right(!)
39:36Ahem!
39:45# Everybody's got something they have to leave behind... #
39:52To the future.The future.
39:59I'd like us to try for a baby.
40:02Rodney, some restaurants don't like that sort of thing.
40:07I didn't mean in here...
40:10I meant in the future.
40:12Soon.
40:14We weren't very successful last time.
40:17It'll be different. I know about these things.
40:21And what about, you know, the way things are?
40:25Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.
40:28Recently I bought this magazine.I hate it when you buy those magazines.
40:33No, not that sort of magazine.You always end up making comparisons.
40:38It is a man's magazine, but not that sort.
40:43There's a fella writing in there who's an expert on marital problems.
40:48He's developed this psychological healing process.
40:53I'd like us to try, Cass. You never know, do you?
40:57Who is he? He's American - West Coast.
41:01He reckons most couples' problems stem from bygone days, in the past.
41:06Like the childish way you used to behave?Yeah...
41:10That sort of thing, yeah.
41:13He calls that "memory baggage".
41:16How do we unload this memory baggage?We become different people.
41:21Different people?You don't have to go to a plastic surgeon or nothing. It's simply remembering to forget.
41:28To forget who you were and become reborn. His clinic's called Fantasy Therapy.
41:35Does this involve dressing up?
41:38Of course not.
41:41It's all based on a theory known as "iconoclastic autosuggestion."
41:45Sorry?It's the subconscious rejecting reality
41:51and...something else.
41:54Each person writes down their fantasy figure. The other person, for a while, becomes that figure.
42:02And it doesn't involve dressing up? Absolutely not. It's all up here.
42:07We suspend reality and then we create our own make-believe world. What do you think, Cass?
42:14Are you at least willing to give it a try?
42:18All right then.
42:21Yeah?
42:24Well, that's good. That's very healthy.
42:27It does involve dressing up, doesn't it?Yes.
42:32OK. Let's go for it.
42:37Cor!
42:39Here you are - a pen.
42:43You write down yours, OK? Then I'll write down mine.
43:02I never watch The Bill.
43:05I've got some on tape...probably.
43:08I'll see if I can find it. All right. Your turn.
43:17I didn't know you fancied him. Oh, yeah!
43:21Well, a little bit.
43:23Bloody hell! How am I supposed to be him?Dunno.
43:28Rodney, to hell with putting clothes on. Let's go home and take some off.
43:34Yeah. Yeah, right. Bill, please.
43:41Hurry it up.
43:57I thought you'd be in bed. We're just going. Good night.Oh.
44:02You'll never guess who phoned for you earlier - Richard "Branston".
44:07No, course it wasn't. I'll kill that bloody Mickey Pearce.Oh, yeah, well, see you then.Yeah, see you.
44:14I couldn't sleep.Oh, well. Night-night.Night-night.
44:18I was lying in bed, you know,
44:21thinking about the family.
44:24You know, about Mum and Uncle Albert.
44:27Yeah, well...
44:29Night, then.
44:38That old bed, you know.
44:43That bed couldn't half tell some tales.
44:47Grandad had his first fit in that bed.
44:54Then there was Uncle Albert. Slept in that bed for years, didn't he?
44:59Remember him in there - snoring, tossing and turning,
45:04and scratching his old... his old beard.
45:07Yeah, a lot of history in that bed.
45:11Yeah, anyway... Good night.
45:16Imagine it - we're lying in bed and all we can hear is the telly.
45:22It's not just you. It's Raquel and Damien and all his friends, and Trigger -
45:28anyone else who comes in any time of day or night.
45:32The flat's overcrowded, Del. The flat's always been overcrowded.
45:37The council said it was designed to be overcrowded.
45:42Cassie and I can't help thinking if we can hear you, you can hear us.
45:49No. Never heard a sound from your room.Exactly!
45:54While we're at it... This ain't gonna solve anything.
45:59I know, I know. I just get so wound up, sometimes, I...
46:03..It's water.I know. That's what I'm saying. Have a proper drink!
46:09No, no, no.
46:11Years ago, I may have given in to that temptation, but not now.
46:16I'm different now - much stronger, more...
46:21Go on. A small one.You know it makes sense. Oi, darling! Couple of scotches, please.
46:29So, how can I help?
46:32Go out! All of you.
46:34Leave me and Cass on our own for once.
46:37Rodney, this must be your lucky day.
46:40I wasn't going to say nothing yet, cos it's a secret
46:45but I'm taking Damien and Raquel out next Thursday.
46:50'Really?
46:52'You'll have the whole evening to yourself.Cheers, Del.
46:57'You are a diamond.'
47:00Heh-heh!At least give us a clue.
47:02This is a night you will never forget. Other than that, I'm saying nothing.
47:08Sit back in comfort and enjoy the evening.
47:12Oh - what did Monkey Harris say?
47:15How do you mean?Eh? I asked you to phone Monkey and say yes.
47:20I forgot, Del! What with getting ready... Was it important?
47:25Important?! Hang on, driver.
47:28Important?! He's had a consignment of electronic personal organisers and they're selling like crazy!
47:36I want to put my name down before tomorrow cos they'll all be gone!
47:40Raquel, you've really let me down on this one!
47:49JAMAICAN ACCENT: You can't do simple t'ing!
47:53Shut up!
47:59SEXY SOUL MUSIC PLAYS
48:06Gawd.
48:35(Monkey.)
48:37I gotta hang up.
48:41We're being raided!
48:53Unnh.
50:05All right?
50:08Oh, my God!
50:10Oh, my God! It's you, Cassandra! I thought it was a real policewoman. You nearly gave me a coronary there!
50:18You was going out.I went out.Why are you here, then?I've come back.
50:24Why are you dressed like that? Like what?
50:30Like a couple of wallies.
50:35What, like this? Don't be naive, Derek.
50:39Can you believe him? Isn't it obvious?
50:43It may be to some people, darling, but I'm not from the planet Dippy.
50:48Derek - Cassandra and I, we're simply...We're going to a fancy dress party.Yes.
50:55Oh, I see! Right. Who are you meant to be?That one from The Bill.
51:00Who, Reg Hollis?No!
51:03What's her name?I don't know.
51:06Well, whoever you're supposed to be, you look very nice.
51:11A little bit scary,
51:13but very nice.
51:16And um...ahem!
51:22And you, Rodders? What about you? What ABOUT me? Who are you meant to be?
51:29(Russell Crowe.)
51:34Pardon?
51:39Russell Crowe.
51:40Russell Crowe? You look more like Spartacus with piles.
51:45Look, it is a simple fancy dress party, that's all.
51:50Bit early for a fancy dress party, 5.30?
51:54Yeah, it is a bit early, yeah. That's cos...it's an early fancy dress party.
52:00My old boss at the bank invited us. He can't have late parties. People have to get up for work.
52:07Oh. Well, bit of a choker, innit, Bruv?
52:11You were hoping for fun and games!
52:13Yeah. Well, never mind. Nah. Bad luck.
52:19Go on, then.
52:22"Go on then," what? Off you go. I'll lock up.
52:27It's all right. We're in no hurry.
52:30Come on, Rodney. Look, Cassandra wants her old job back at the bank.
52:36If she turns up late for her boss's party that won't go down well.
52:41Go! Make a big impression. Here you are. You can borrow the old Capri.
52:46Right.Thanks, Del.
52:50Come on, you're family! Go and have some fun!
53:04Oh -
53:05just a second, Rodney. Here you are.
53:08Don't want you to get rusty.
53:17Come on, Monkey! I've got to be away by 6pm. Hurry up.
53:22What in God's name are we going to do?
53:26I mean, people might see us. Well, there's nothing strange in a policewoman on the estate.
53:32But I look like Ben Hur in a mac!
53:35I'll say I've arrested you.What? There must be a law against going around dressed like that.
53:41LIFT BELL RINGS Oh, no!
53:47Dad, the driver's got another job to go to!
53:52Pervert.
54:02Eh?! You two are still here! Thank God. I thought you'd gone.
54:07I know you've got your party, but I've just remembered -
54:12I don't want to spoil your fun, but would you mind if you didn't go?
54:17No trouble at all.Anything for you. Eh? Right.
54:21Good. Thing is, I'm expecting a very important phone call tonight.
54:27I want you to answer it. You're not going out tonight?Absolutely not.
54:32We'll go to the bank's next party.
54:35Good for you, Bruv. You're 42-carat - 42!
54:39I'll be back about midnight. And Russell Crowe... Yeah!
54:44More like Daffy Duck!
55:08Welcome to another edition of the quiz show that's wowing the country.
55:13Not this country - but we're big in Bosnia and massive in Macedonia.
55:19In this show, you can win anything from £1 to £100,000.
55:24This is Thursday, this is Jonathan Ross. This is Goldrush!
55:33Oh, Rodney...Oh, Cass...
55:37Let's start by meeting our three lucky contestants.
55:42First, Mike Wallis from Merseyside. Mike is a financial adviser.
55:46He owns two horses and his pastimes include dressage. I've seen dressage.
55:52It's like rodeo on Prozac, isn't it? Mike Wallis, ladies and gentlemen.
55:57CHEERING
56:00'Next, we have Janice Scott from Newquay.'
56:03Janice is married and has a daughter named Mel.
56:07Her hobbies are rock-climbing and amateur opera. And she's only three!
56:13Come on, this is class! AUDIENCE: Hurray!
56:17Finally, Derek Trotter from Peckham.
56:21Derek is a businessman who lives with Raquel, his significant other.
56:27He has an 11-year-old son named Damien and his pastimes include
56:32fine wines, the theatre and 16th-century Italian Renaissance art.
56:39The contestants!
56:43INAUDIBLE
56:47As always, we start with the timed round.
56:50So let's see who's got the fastest finger.
56:54CASS GIGGLES Rodney!
56:58Whose famous diary recorded the Plague and the Great Fire of London?
57:03Mrs Dale's.
57:08Nice try, Del, but that's not right. You're now at the back of the queue.
57:14Janice? Is it Bridget Jones, Jonathan?
57:19Again, so close, Janice, but no. You go to the back. Del, you move up one place.
57:25Mike, you could challenge on the Rainbow Road. What's at the end of the rainbow? AUDIENCE: A pot of gold!
57:33MIKE'S BUZZER I think I know it, Jonathan. It's Adrian Mole.
57:42Oh, bad luck, Mike. It was Samuel Pepys.
57:45You go to the back of the queue, which means that Derek will be the first challenger
57:52on the Rainbow Road. Del, join me.
58:01Del. Here's a £1. Whatever else happens, that's yours. Welcome to the BBC.
58:07Yeah. Just make sure it ain't Irish, eh?
58:10The rules are simple, which is just as well.
58:14You'll get a series of questions, each having three possible answers.
58:19Correct answers move you to another colour of the rainbow
58:23and the prize money increases up to the gold question which is worth £100,000.
58:30Wooh! Lovely jubbly.
58:32But you also have options to help you on your way -
58:37you have a Shot In The Dark, you have an SOS, or you can drop one.
58:43Come on, this is class! AUDIENCE: Hurray!
58:47But Janice and Mike can play their aces at any time and challenge you.
58:53So, let's play Goldrush!
59:03You have 20 seconds left. Which is the highest mountain in Africa - Kilimanjaro or Fuji?
59:10It's Kilimanjaro. Any idiot knows that!Well, I didn't.
59:15Denzil, anyone coming back from Ibiza with a duty-free brain cell knows it's Kilimanjaro,
59:21but this is Derek Trotter.
59:25I'll go with...Kilimanjaro. Derek, that's the right answer!
59:36I thought it was, Jonathan, cos I know Fuji make cameras, don't they?
59:42Well. Now, let's move up to the next colour.
59:45Take a look at the £2,000 question.
59:48..Del, Janice has just challenged you and she got it wrong. She has doubled your money to £10,000.
59:56APPLAUSE
60:00The next question, the green question, is worth £25,000. You've still got a Shot In The Dark and SOS.
60:08The question: In which state was President Kennedy when he was assassinated in 1963?
60:14He was in a terrible state. He died!
60:22A bit too quick. Let me give you the three possible answers. Was it Texas, Florida or California?
60:33Sorry, Jonathan, no. I'm going to have to use the Shot In The Dark on this one.
60:39Um... I'll go for...
60:43..Florida?
60:45No!
60:47No.
60:48I'm afraid Florida is wrong.
60:51It was Texas. But you played your Shot In The Dark, so you lose your money and you're frozen.
60:58Here's the penalty question: How many wheels does a Reliant Robin have?
61:10This question is worth £50,000. If Derek is correct, these lights will turn gold.
61:16He'll be answering the £100,000 question. So are you ready?
61:21Which classical guitarist wrote the opera The Child And The Enchantments?
61:27Was it Ravel? Segovia? Or Rodrigo?
61:30I think I know this one, Jonathan.
61:33I think it's...
61:36Ravel.
61:40Or I keep thinking...it could be...
61:44Could it be...Segovia?
61:47Then again...
61:49it might be...Rodrigo?
61:53Derek, you're right. It's definitely one of those three.
61:57In that case, Jonathan, I'll have to use me SOS.
62:02That's right. Who will be your saviour tonight?My brother, Rodney.
62:06He's at home, in the flat. He's taking care of a bit of business.
62:11Ooh...Oo-ooh!
62:14PHONE RINGS No, no!Del said he was expecting a very important call.
62:21Oh, bloody hell!
62:28Hello.
62:29Hello. Is that Rodney?Yes.
62:32Hi. It's Jonathan Ross at Goldrush.
62:35Piss off, Mickey. You're getting on my tits!
62:46Mickey Pearce pretending to be Jonathan Ross.'It's Jonathan Ross.'
62:53'Rodney. It is Jonathan Ross.'
62:58Oh, my God.
63:00Hi, Jonathan. How are you?
63:04I'm just fine, thank you. I've got Derek here and he's on £25,000.
63:10You're kidding.No. But he has a problem with the £50,000 question.
63:16He's chosen you as his saviour. Listen up. You'll have 20 seconds.
63:21The question...Hold on! What's in this for me?
63:25I'll make sure you get a drink!
63:31Which...which classical guitarist wrote the opera The Child And The Enchantments?
63:37Was it Ravel,
63:41Segovia, or Rodrigo?
63:45Ravel.
63:46How sure are you?100%, Derek. Good boy, Rodders.
63:51Ha-ha! Take it away, Del! I know my classics.
63:57Um...yeah. I'll go with that. Ravel, Jonathan.
64:01You know you don't have to take his answer?He knows what he's talking about. Ravel.
64:08You won't change it?No.
64:10Derek.
64:13That was the wrong answer. AUDIENCE GASPS
64:21It was Segovia.
64:25No, no, Rodney said it was Ravel.
64:28I know he did, but he was wrong. Bad luck, Del. Sorry.
64:33He's got two GCEs!
64:36Derek, you've used up all your options, you've lost all your money.
64:40You're frozen out the game. Janice, join me on the Rainbow Road!
64:50< Here's your £1. No-one goes home empty-handed.
64:54< Here's your first question.
64:59I was certain. I was so certain it was Ravel.
65:04Roddy, you did your best.Yeah, yeah. And Del was OK, wasn't he?
65:09Yeah. Till he kicked the podium over.
65:13No, I think that was an accident.
65:15No, he kicked it, it fell over. Jonathan Ross had to pick it up. DOOR SLAMS
65:26All right?
65:28Yeah. You?Where's Del?
65:32Haven't a clue, Rodney. At the end of the show, he disappeared. He went off into the night,
65:38abandoning his child and his "significant other" in an area of London we've never been in.
65:45Thank Christ.
65:46Thankfully, the studio paid for a cab home. I'm going to make coffee.
65:52Raquel?Don't. We're friends.
65:55Cor! Don't know why Dad didn't use Trigger as his SOS.
66:00- Trigger wouldn't have known! - And he was spot-on(!)
66:13What the hell happened to you?
66:16I went out.Oh, good.
66:19As long as I know.
66:28All right?
66:30How's your evening been, then, Rodney?
66:33Not very good, to be honest.
66:37Bloody snap! You moron!
66:41Del, I could have sworn it was Ravel. So could Cassandra.
66:45Yes, I could.You're both a pair of dipsticks, then. You...you're never gonna borrow my Capri ever again.
66:53Well, that bone marrow, forget it!
66:57Ooh.
66:59I mean to say...I mean, everyone knows that Ravel makes shoes!
67:08What?
67:09Shoes?
67:11Shoes! It was a trick question and you fell for it.
67:14Right, yes, sorry.
67:18Still, at least you won £1.
67:21£1! That wasn't even enough for the bus fare home, was it! Anyway...
67:27I went to some clubs to drown my sorrow and in one particular club,
67:32I was talking to this lap...lap...
67:36lap...lap...laptop salesman.
67:39Even he said it wasn't Ravel. Would you like a drink, darling?
67:44No.OK, fine. There you are, see? You've upset...
67:48Don't you... You stay here!
67:55You know, for the rest of my life,
67:58getting that question wrong in front of my family, friends, the entire British nation...
68:05will be the most embarassing thing I've ever done.
68:09<Russell Crowe?Yeah!
68:14Or maybe not. TELEPHONE RINGS
68:20Hello. Yes, he's...
68:23Can I ask who's calling, please?
68:26The producer of Goldrush wants to talk to you.Oh no! What's he want?
68:32I bet it's about that podium. I bet someone's damaged it.
68:37All right, I'll speak to him. Ahem! Hello?
68:41Yes, this is Derek Trotter.
68:43..What?
68:45..No.
68:47..No!
68:50He said there's been a mistake. It WAS Ravel!I knew I was right!
68:56I can take the £50,000 and go back on the show!Yes!
69:01Ha-ha! Oh, have a day off, will you, you lot!
69:08Who do you think this is? You can hear the juke box in the pub.
69:13Mickey Pearce! I'll murder him! Get to the back of the queue.
69:18I'll tell you what we would like you to do.
69:22Give all the money to charity.
69:25And if you phone here again I'm going to kick your arse into shredded duck!
69:31Goodbye.
69:33See?
69:35Jonathan?
69:37He said give the 50 grand to charity.
69:41What a nice guy.
69:46Who do people think we are, eh? We're the Trotters! And we're back!
69:52Yes!
69:58# We've got some half-price cracked ice, miles and miles of carpet tiles
70:02# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
70:05# Ball games, gold chains, whatsnames and leather goods
70:08# Some Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
70:11# Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush
70:14# No income tax, no VAT
70:16# No money back, no guarantee
70:20# Black or white, rich or poor
70:23# We'll cut prices at a stroke
70:27# God bless Hooky Street
70:31# Viva Hooky Street
70:34# Long live Hooky Street
70:36# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
70:40# Magnifique, Hooky Street
70:44# Hooky Street... #