Only Fools and Horses S00E19 — Strangers on the Shore

Every line from “Strangers on the Shore” (1843 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00(upbeat instrumental music)
00:04♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ Cos if you want the best uns
00:13♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ Cos where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:22♫ Its like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But heres the one
00:27♫ Who's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33(vocalizing)
00:49- Del?
00:50If you got a minute, would you run a leather
00:52over my mini?
00:54(laughter)
00:57- No, Nina, I'm not a car cleaner,
01:00I merely agreed to do a bit of part time driving
01:02for Boycie, that is all.
01:05- Sorry, darling I forgot.
01:07You're just doing it to earn a bit of money?
01:10- No, no, no this is a hobby of mine.
01:13You know I love you and Boycie to weddings
01:16and what have you.
01:17Hanging around and picking you up at midnight.
01:19Yes, Marlene, I am doing it purely to earn a few quid.
01:23It's no secret that I've got a few problems
01:25on the old financial front.
01:28- I suppose being made bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
01:31(laughter)
01:33- Did you know, I never though of that?
01:35- Darling, when you finish doing your make up,
01:39your face should be ready for the second coat now.
01:42- Will you keep your noise down, Boycie?
01:44Do you want the neighbors to think we're vulgar?
01:48- Del, coffee?
01:50- Oh yeah, thanks very much.
01:51Cheers, Boycie.
01:52- No, I mean go around to the kitchen
01:54and make me a cup.
01:57- Yeah Boycie, you know this cars a GTI?
02:01If you rearrange the letters,
02:02you got yourself a personalized number plate.
02:05(laughter)
02:07- Two sugars in mine.
02:18- Good afternoon.
02:19- Oh afternoon.
02:21- Have Mr. And Mrs. Boycie moved?
02:25- No.
02:26No they're in prison.
02:29Yeah I'm just searching the house, you know,
02:32I'm from the drug squad.
02:33- My word.
02:36- They will be out on parole shortly
02:38so watch your step.
02:41- Thank you, officer.
02:43- Not at all, ma'am.
02:48Two sugars.
02:50(chuckles)
02:52- I mean I shouldn't be going to this wedding
02:54in my condition.
02:55I can't even smell my own aftershave.
02:58Mind you, I can't smell Del's either,
02:59so that's a plus.
03:01- Will you keep your big mouth shut at this wedding?
03:03I don't want you being sarcastic to my family.
03:06- Well that's gonna limit the conversation then, innit?
03:08Marlene, they make Grant Mitchell look intelligent.
03:12- I'm fed up with having to defend you.
03:14The times I've said to them, yes he's ugly
03:17but he's successful.
03:20And you be nice to my mum.
03:21It took me five years to convince her
03:24you're not a vampire.
03:25(laughter)
03:28- Oh hey.
03:29Looking forward to the wedding then?
03:31You look lovely, darling.
03:35(laughter)
03:40- Did I tell you about my new business, Del?
03:43- Well you did mention it, two or three dozen times.
03:47- Yeah five or six weeks from now
03:49and Boycie will be flying off to Paris
03:51to sign the contract.
03:52He's gonna be a multimillionaire.
03:56- Oh please don't.
03:57I'm gonna wet meself in a minute.
03:59- Well we don't know whether to buy a new house
04:01or have this one renovated.
04:03- Marlene, have some sensitivity.
04:06Don't talk about millions of pounds
04:08and big houses in front of Del.
04:11It will make him feel nostalgic.
04:13It must be horrible for you and Raquel
04:16having all that money and then losing it.
04:18- Good always comes out of bad, Boycie.
04:22As Raquel says, its made her appreciate
04:25the little things of life.
04:28Marlene, knows all about that.
04:31She had no choice.
04:32(laughter)
04:38- When the contracts signed, Del,
04:40I'd like us two to get together for a little chat.
04:43I want to know what you did when you became a millionaire.
04:46Make sure I don't make the same mistakes.
04:49(laughs)
04:50(coughs)
04:55Marlene, where's my hair gel?
04:58-[Marlene] Wherever you left it.
05:00-[Boycie] Oh.
05:06(laughter)
05:24(laughter)
05:40(laughter)
05:56- Hey Uncle Rodders?
05:59What was my dad like as a teenager?
06:02- Horrible.
06:03(laughter)
06:05(shouts)
06:10Uncle Rodders?
06:13What sort of teenager do you think I'll be?
06:16- Horrible.
06:19- Yes.
06:20Oh mom, Uncle Rodney says I'm gonna be horrible
06:23when I'm all grown up.
06:24- Oh did he?
06:25- No well what I meant was, all teenagers
06:27are horrible, innit they?
06:28They go through that Kevin and Perry period.
06:31- Yeah.
06:32I suppose they are a bit annoying
06:33but when you reach 21, a man leaves those days behind him
06:36and develops into a sensible, normal human being.
06:39- Yeah anyway.
06:40So I squeezed this tube,
06:41I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
06:45(laughter)
06:47So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac.
06:51(laughter)
06:53- Well that's the theory anyway.
06:56- Say what's happening?
06:57Anything on the go?
06:59- What's that about?
07:00- It's alright, just a bit of business.
07:02Nothing for you to worry about.
07:03- Nothing for me?
07:04Derrick, may I remind you that I am the managing director
07:07of Trotter's Independent Traders, now.
07:09- Go, he better (mumbles).
07:12(laughter)
07:14- Hang about, hang about, will you.
07:15What?
07:16- You were declared bankrupt.
07:17You have been banned from running any company,
07:19from sitting on any board,
07:21or from dealing in any shares.
07:23They don't even want you riding past the stock exchange
07:25on a bike.
07:27And you owe the Inland Revenue over 50,000 pounds.
07:31- Yeah well alright, who's the one that's out there
07:32earning money driving for Boycie, eh?
07:34While you sit on your IQ, all day.
07:37- Excuse me. - Hold on a minute.
07:38- You two, I'm trying to eat.
07:39- Alright, alright.
07:40I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
07:43Ow, alright.
07:45(laughter)
07:46Yeah sorry about that pal, what you say?
07:48No, it was just Rodney, you know,
07:50he was reminding me who was in charge of the firm.
07:52What?
07:53(laughs)
07:58- Well I'm sorry to spoil your appetite, Raquel,
08:00but we can't hide from (mumbles).
08:02If we don't come up with that money
08:04in a few months time,
08:05then the Inland Revenue are gonna sell this flat
08:07to the highest bidder and we're all gonna be out...
08:09I don't know where we're gonna be
08:10and I got added responsibilities now.
08:13- I know.
08:14But Del will think of something.
08:16- Is that supposed to encourage me?
08:18(laughter)
08:19IT was Del thinking of something
08:20that got us in this mess.
08:22- The Judge blamed both of you.
08:24He said you were like two modern day Neros
08:26playing at business while your empire burnt.
08:29- We might of been two Neroes, Raquel,
08:30but only one was fiddling.
08:32(laughter)
08:34- Yeah, yeah.
08:36Kush the, kush the monkey.
08:37Yeah alright, monkey.
08:39Alright, well we'll see you, monkey.
08:41Alright, bonjour monkey.
08:43That was Monkey.
08:45Anyway, he's only had a consignment
08:48of log effect gas fires come in from Slovakia.
08:51- Derek, I am running the firm now
08:53and I don't want a load of Slovakian log effect
08:55of gas fires.
08:57- Yeah I know, that's what I told him.
08:58- Oh good.
09:00How'd you know I didn't want em?
09:02- Well because we know what each others thinking,
09:05don't we?
09:06You know, we've always been a bit telescopic.
09:09Anyway, these gas fires are selling like hot cakes.
09:13Paddy the Greek, he bought 150 of them, right,
09:15and sold them to that builder who's renovating
09:17the Bob Marley estate,
09:19got 50 quid a pop for it.
09:20- 50 pounds a piece?
09:22- Yeah and then there's that Nellie Coby,
09:23you know the gas fitter?
09:24He's putting one in each room of this big house
09:26that's he's doing up.
09:28I thought well, easy money.
09:30Then I thought to meself, you know,
09:31there's business right
09:33and then there's what Rodney's doing.
09:35(laughter)
09:37And what are we into now?
09:39We're into party planning.
09:41- Yes and that sort of thing is big.
09:43- Yeah that's right.
09:44I've been in Sloan Square where they like
09:46a roasted pepper and a bucket of cous cous
09:49but this is Peckham where they like,
09:51you know a kebab and a tutu.
09:54It seems that they are very very fond of
09:56log effect gas fires.
09:58- Yeah well, given it some consideration
10:00and I am interested in them now.
10:02- Oh good cause I told him we'd have 20.
10:04(laughter)
10:07(grumbles)
10:09Will you stop that?
10:11Go look, that is your Uncle's urn, that is.
10:13(laughter)
10:18- Oi, oi, oi what you doing up?
10:19- It's daytime, I always get up.
10:21Its sort of a tradition.
10:22- Yes I know but you're pregnant now
10:24and you're supposed to rest.
10:26Now where were you going?
10:27- To the kitchen, to get some juice.
10:28- I'll get you the juice.
10:29- Oh I can get the juice myself.
10:31- I'll get the juice.
10:32- No, I'm good at getting the juice.
10:33- Oh for gods sake, I'll get the juice, blimey.
10:36Damian, go and get the juice.
10:38(laughter)
10:40- You've got to calm down, Rodney,
10:41there's a long way to go and at this rate,
10:43you'll be a nervous wreck
10:44by the time the baby's born.
10:46- You got to be very strong, both physically
10:48and mentally before the baby arrives.
10:50I remember the night that Damien was born.
10:55It was a wonderful wonderful moment
10:58but it was very very traumatic
11:01and very very stressful.
11:04But it wasn't a walk in the park
11:05for you Raquel, was it either?
11:07(laughter)
11:09- No, it wasn't.
11:11I'll go and get some more tea.
11:13- And I'm gonna get some cereal.
11:14- Well I can get--
11:15- Me, not you.
11:16Not anyone else, just me.
11:18- Alright, alright.
11:19Just be careful.
11:21- Oh my god.
11:24- Oh Rodney come on, sit down.
11:25Making like a moby.
11:27- I've been waiting a long time for this baby
11:29and I don't want anything to go wrong.
11:32- No, no that's fair enough, fair enough.
11:34There's one thing I still don't understand.
11:38A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying
11:41for this baby, weren't you?
11:43I mean, you was at it like a pair of goats.
11:45(laughter)
11:47I remember that you became so pale,
11:49you had to have your passport photo redone.
11:51(laughter)
11:53- Derek, will you stop discussing my private life
11:55in front of Damian?
11:57- Yes yes, alright, alright, sorry.
11:59Anyway, when nothing happened,
12:01she sent you up to Holly Street , eh?
12:03To have a little test on all your all,
12:05you know, on your.
12:06- Yeah I know.
12:08- Cause I remember going around to your flat, you know,
12:10I couldn't get a bottle of milk in the fridge
12:12for specimens.
12:13(laughter)
12:16And I remember what you said to me,
12:18you said, "If it hadn't been for them magazines,
12:19you would of packed it in."
12:21(laughter)
12:24- Look, we simply weren't very successful
12:26to begin with and they thought that I might
12:29have a low count.
12:30- Yes I know but you were back and forth there for ages.
12:32Shame they didn't give air miles.
12:34(laughter)
12:36And a low count, blimey, who was on the calculator, Trigger?
12:41- I don't believe you.
12:42- And then you announced that you've changed
12:43your mind about having a chavvy
12:45and then you go late night shopping at family planning.
12:49- Cassandra and I discussed it
12:50and our initial reaction was, quite naturally,
12:53to hold back until the financial climate
12:55was more conducive to starting a family, right?
12:57Then we had a change of heart.
13:01- Yeah well I understand that
13:03but in a minute you're gonna have the bailiffs
13:04on you as co parents.
13:07- We decided to try for this baby as a token, Del.
13:11As a token of our belief in our marriage.
13:13Of Trotter's Independent Traders, of the future of Britain
13:16but most importantly of all,
13:18as a token of our belief in this family.
13:26- If your dear mother could hear you now,
13:29she'd be so proud of you.
13:31- That's just how we feel.
13:33- Good boy, good boy.
13:35- Hey I know how to get babies.
13:37- I bet you do.
13:39- It must of been horrible.
13:41(laughter)
13:43- He's a lad, isn't he?
13:46I'll just go in there and kick his teeth down his throat.
13:48(laughter)
13:53- You know that kid does my head in
13:56and I bet it was him who nicked
13:57your contraceptive pills.
13:58(laughter)
14:00- Don't be so silly.
14:01- No I searched all over this flat.
14:03They was nowhere to be found.
14:05No it was him.
14:06Rat boy.
14:08- Leave him alone, he's only young.
14:10- Yeah but he seems to know everything.
14:11It's like a cross between Darry Potter and Swampy.
14:14(laughter)
14:16- Right, Rodders, come on.
14:17Get your ass in gear.
14:18We got some business to sort out.
14:19Here go and start the van, will ya?
14:22- He aint got used to me being charge yet, has he?
14:24(laughter)
14:26see you, Raquel.
14:27- Oh bye.
14:30Final reminder.
14:32Final reminder.
14:33Final reminder.
14:35This is not a circular.
14:38No its a final reminder.
14:40Oh its a letter addressed to Albert Trotter.
14:43It's from the Royal Naval Association.
14:45They obviously haven't heard.
14:47- Should we open it?
14:48- No, best leave it to Del.
14:50- Alright.
14:51I'm off sweetheart.
14:53See you later, Cassandra.
14:55- Del, a letters arrived from the Seaman's Association.
14:58- Oh that will be for Rodney.
15:00(laughter) (applause)
15:08(people chattering)
15:16- A cup of tea please, Carol.
15:19Alright, Boycie.
15:20- Denzil.
15:24- What's happening?
15:26- You are witnessing one of natures great phenomena.
15:29One that sadly, over the years, David Attenborough
15:31has ignored.
15:33It's called the Trotter brothers trying
15:35to park a three wheel van.
15:37(laughter)
15:39- Hard on your left.
15:40Alright now that's it, hard on your left.
15:43Hard on your left. - On me left?
15:44- Left, right hand down.
15:46Right hand down.
15:47- Hard on your left, eh.
15:50- Will you shut up?
15:51- No.
15:52- Eh?
15:53- Look you're the wrong angle, aren't you?
15:55- So how's business?
15:58- Business, what business?
16:01I've just got meself a new truck
16:03and I haven't had any bloody work since.
16:05I mean everything's just bad news these days.
16:08- Oh well that's where you could be wrong, my friend.
16:12I'm in the motor trade, right,
16:15and recently a fellow Mason from my lodge
16:17mentioned my firm to a certain big time client
16:20who's name I cannot possibly divulge.
16:24But suffice it to say, he's a Lebanese gentlemen
16:26who has made his mark in Europe.
16:32- Now pull out and straighten it up.
16:40- Bloody hell, Rodney.
16:41That reverse vasectomy quicker than this.
16:44- Shut up, will ya?
16:45- Hard on your left, Dave.
16:50- So what's his business?
16:52- Well lets just say he's in the commercial sector.
16:56Negotiations are in an extremely sensitive stage
17:00but in a few weeks time, Boycie Auto
17:02(mumbles) the UK franchise for most of
17:04them cheap low techs car in Europe.
17:06- Great, so where do I fit in?
17:10- You?
17:11You don't.
17:12(laughter)
17:16- So why are you telling me this then?
17:18- Well you said it was all bad news but it isn't.
17:22Next month, I could be a millionaire.
17:25- I don't sodding believe you, Boycie.
17:29- I'm only trying to cheer you up, Denzil.
17:32Can you smell onions?
17:34(laughter)
17:41- If you don't get it this time,
17:42I'm gonna back it in meself.
17:44- Oi, who's running this firm now?
17:46- Oh its got you puzzled as well, has it, eh?
17:48(laughter)
18:00At last.
18:05- You can't park there, Dave.
18:07(laughter)
18:09You're parked too close to a council owned installation.
18:13It's part of my duties as an environmental hygienist
18:16to advise you of the law.
18:18- What's in that thing?
18:20- Freezing salt.
18:21There's people like me at the sharp end
18:23who have to spread that salt on the roads
18:25in icy conditions.
18:28- What icy conditions?
18:30- I have to attend lectures on modern climatic change.
18:33What with global warming and Al Pacino.
18:38- El Nino, Trig.
18:41(laughter)
18:42- You just don't know what's gonna happen next.
18:45- Trigger, Rodney and I are going to get a bite to eat.
18:49If I buy you two pints of bitter and a cheese roll,
18:52will you turn a blind eye to this?
18:55- You trying to bribe me?
18:58- Yes.
18:59- Alright then.
19:00- Good, come on, let's go.
19:02(laughter)
19:04- If I keep on, I'm gonna tell him what I think of him.
19:07- What's up?
19:08- The neighbors, they've stopped talking to us.
19:10They're looking down their noses
19:12like they think we're criminals.
19:14(laughter)
19:15- Oh they've heard about my European deal,
19:18they're just jealous.
19:19Ignore em.
19:20(laughing)
19:22- Alright, what's so funny?
19:23- This advert innit.
19:25I mean it's just stupid.
19:26Look Rodney, I used to run me own firm.
19:29- Yeah I know, you got probation for that, didn't you?
19:31(laughter)
19:32- Yeah well dingos weren't (mumbles) on plane,
19:34true but the point I'm trying to make
19:36is nobody reads the small ads.
19:39- No well that is where you're wrong, Micky,
19:41you see cause a couple of months ago,
19:42Boycie there put an add in the paper
19:44for his car firm, right?
19:46It read urgently required security guard.
19:51That night, his show room was burgled.
19:53(laughter)
19:58Just goes to show that someone reads the small ads.
20:01- He's right.
20:03- Yeah but on the way, I've got business to attend to.
20:05- Yeah you got to go and cash that Gyro check,
20:08haven't ya?
20:09(laughter)
20:11- Hello Cassandra.
20:13How's my little god child then?
20:15- I don't know Micky, but my baby's doing alright.
20:18- See ya.
20:20- Oh look, heres the mum to be.
20:22- Oh.
20:23- Oi, oi, oi what are you doing walking about like this?
20:26- Raquel and I got fed up sitting around in that flat,
20:28so I decided to get some exercise.
20:30Like the doctor ordered me to.
20:32- She's right, Rodney.
20:33Nowadays, doctors tell pregnant women
20:34to carry on as normal.
20:36- You're not thinking of having one of them
20:37natural births, are you?
20:39- Well we have discussed using a birthing pool.
20:41- With the dampness in your flat,
20:43I don't know why you're bothering.
20:44(laughter)
20:49You know, it's such a shame you haven't
20:51got any fire grates in your place.
20:53We got young Lenny Colby fitting eight log effect
20:56gas fires in our house.
20:58(laughter)
21:00I must invite you and the family round
21:01for the big switching on ceremony.
21:03Give you something to look forward to.
21:05- Please, Boycie, I'm having an adrenaline rush already.
21:09- Oh I'll tell you another thing.
21:11When the baby's born, don't worry if its ugly.
21:14They're all ugly at birth.
21:16- Well that's true.
21:17But some are more ugly than others.
21:18Cause when Boycie was born,
21:20the midwives held him up and slapped his mother.
21:22(laughter)
21:27- Alright, on that note.
21:29I shall bid you all goodbye.
21:31Come along, Marlene.
21:33You can drive me to the showroom.
21:36- See you later, Cassandra.
21:37Bye Raquel.
21:39- Oh Del, I brought that letter down.
21:40It's not for Rodney, it's addressed to Albert.
21:42- To Albert?
21:43- I hope you're not gonna have my experience, Rodney.
21:47From the moment the baby arrived,
21:49my wife gave me nothing but hell.
21:52- Well lots of women suffer from post natal depression,
21:54don't they?
21:55- But we adopted.
21:56(laughter)
21:59- Take no notice of Sid.
22:00He's always been a cantankerous miserable old sod.
22:04- Yeah and his wife was hot blooded.
22:05She was Spanish.
22:07- He only taught her English
22:08so he could stop speaking to her.
22:09(laughter)
22:11- Hey Rodders, listen to this.
22:13There's an old naval friend of Albert's
22:15trying to organize a reunion for some of the crew
22:19that were in this fleet that went up to Denmark in 1944.
22:23- I didn't know Albert went to Denmark.
22:25- Well he didn't.
22:26The fleet never made it.
22:27- I remember him telling me about that, yeah.
22:29All the ships was named after sea creatures, weren't they?
22:31You know, HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda, that sort of thing.
22:34What was Albert's ship called?
22:36- HMS Cod.
22:37(laughter)
22:39- Yeah, yeah that was it.
22:41Yeah he said they got into some sort of trouble
22:43but none of it was his fault.
22:46- That would of been a first then, wouldn't it, eh?
22:47- Well its taking place in a village in Normandy.
22:50You'll have to write to the association,
22:52tell them Albert isn't with anymore.
22:54- Yes, yes, you're right, I suppose.
22:56Yeah I suppose so.
22:57- Isn't it a shame Elsi Partridge
22:58didn't live long enough to go to the reunion?
23:01I bet shed of loved to of been Albert's representative.
23:03- Do you remember the night he told us their story?
23:05How they'd met and fallen in love before the war?
23:09- Then he had to go off and fight for his country
23:11and they both met and married other people
23:13and then years later they met again
23:15and spent their last years together.
23:18(crying)
23:21- What's wrong with that scatty cow?
23:23(laughter)
23:25- It's her hormones.
23:27They're doing somersaults, you know.
23:29Happens when they're pregnant.
23:31- Oh right.
23:32You're alright, aint you?
23:33- Yes.
23:34- Oh thank god.
23:35- It's Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
23:37Isn't it?
23:38(chuckling)
23:41(laughter)
23:43- What's Captain Perelli's Mandarin?
23:46- No Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
23:49It's a romantic film about two lovers
23:51who meet again after the war.
23:52- Oh that's a woman's thing, isn't it?
23:57Anyway, listen I've had a thought.
23:59If Elsi can't go and represent Albert
24:01at this reunion, I think Rodney and I ought to go.
24:05- Yeah that is a brilliant suggestion.
24:07No I think Albert would of loved that idea.
24:09- I think he's not the only one who likes the idea.
24:11You two are just gonna go on a booze cruise, aren't you?
24:15- That hurts, Raquel.
24:18- That's a very cruel thing to say, Raquel.
24:21This is a family thing.
24:23We just want Albert to be remembered.
24:27- Its like, well it is, its our duty.
24:30- Alright, I'm sorry, I was only joking.
24:32- It's alright, sweetheart.
24:33I know you didn't mean nothing.
24:35- Raquel, Cassandra, look.
24:38It's a picture of my wife.
24:39Come and have a look.
24:42- Look, I don't know how you feel about this
24:44but we could Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
24:47- That's a very good idea, Rodney.
24:50No, he would really like that, wouldn't he?
24:52We'll have to do it just as we come out of the harbor
24:56because we'll be too pissed to do it later.
24:58(laughter)
25:04By the way, tell you what,
25:06why don't you drive Raquel and Cassandra home,
25:08I'll stay here and pick up the bill.
25:10- You sure?
25:11- Yeah of course. - alright.
25:12- Sid, what are all these little holes?
25:14- Darts.
25:15(laughter)
25:18It's a long story.
25:19See I met her in 1950 and we...
25:21- You two want a lift home?
25:22-[Both] Yes, please.
25:23(laughter)
25:25- Bye.
25:25- See ya, Sid.
25:26See you.
25:27- See you later.
25:28- There you are, Sid.
25:29Take it out of that, will you?
25:30Hey Denzil, you still got that lorry of yours?
25:33- Yeah, why?
25:34- Oh its just that me and Rodney are thinking
25:35of going to France.
25:37- Do you want to take a few rolls with you?
25:38- Yeah okay, thanks.
25:40No, not now.
25:41No I mean like next month.
25:43Got a little idea like,
25:44you know running around inside me head.
25:46- No.
25:47- What do you mean no?
25:48You haven't heard it yet.
25:50- Well that's good.
25:51Because this way the police can't drag it out
25:52of me under interrogation.
25:54- Interrogation, what you going on about then, Denzil?
25:56- Every time you have a little idea,
25:58someone in a blue uniform asks me questions.
26:01- Can I help it if I am misunderstood?
26:04- No misunderstanding you,
26:06you can get beer and spirits very cheaply in France
26:10and there's me with a lorry and Sid with a pub.
26:14- So what you saying?
26:15(laughter)
26:17- What I'm saying, Trig, is Del buys 1,000 pounds
26:21worth of half priced alcohol.
26:23We drive it back in the truck.
26:24Sid gets a cellar full of cheap booze
26:26and we share the profits.
26:29- No, I was thinking of bringing you all back
26:31some nice French cheese.
26:33But now you suggested that,
26:36that is a brilliant idea, Denzil.
26:40- First class.
26:41- Yeah, a few trips like this
26:43we could earn ourselves some decent money, eh?
26:45- I'm not doing it.
26:47- But it was your idea.
26:48(laughter)
26:50- No it wasn't.
26:52Well, it was in a way.
26:54I mean, that's not what I meant to say.
26:57I mean I was trying to sort of,
26:59I didn't mean.
27:00The thing is, I was just trying...
27:05Is this thing anywhere near legal?
27:06- Of course it is.
27:07Just don't tell Rodney.
27:09(laughter)
27:11(soft French music)
27:38Here you are, Rodney.
27:39You do the honors.
27:41He would of liked it.
27:44- Okay.
27:46- But do it ceremoniously, right?
27:49Not like you're emptying a Hoover bag.
27:51(laughter)
27:54(soft flute music)
28:11See you again some time, Unc.
28:14- Good luck (mumbles).
28:20You hear that?
28:22- I hope it's not his dentures.
28:23(laughter)
28:28- I don't believe it.
28:29- What?
28:32- Cassandra's birth control pills.
28:37- Cassandra's birth...
28:39Well who put them in there?
28:40- Bloody who do you think put them in there?
28:42Damien.
28:44(laughter)
28:47- He's a boy, innit he?
28:48Anyway, you don't need them no more, do you
28:51cause she's at the doc.
28:53- I know my point is,
28:54if he hadn't put, you know.
29:00He's a little sod, innit he?
29:03(laughs)
29:04- I don't know where he gets it from.
29:06(laughter)
29:08- I suppose after Raquel, eh?
29:10- Yeah, yeah more than likely.
29:13Right come on.
29:14(soft French music)
29:28Right, we got to travel up this road
29:30about another three miles, Rodders,
29:33and then look for a sign saying Saint Claire La Chapel.
29:37- Right.
29:39(car backfiring) (laughter)
29:47Where'd you get that from?
29:48- What this?
29:50Oh.
29:51(laughter)
29:52Trying to blend in with the locals, Rodney.
29:56I've always been a bit of Francophile, you know.
29:58- Oh yeah.
29:59Or a Franco (mumbles).
30:03- Just drive it.
30:05Anyway, where is my book?
30:10Bone up on me old French.
30:13It's amazing you know how quick you forget it.
30:15- Yeah I noticed.
30:17No I mean, you know.
30:18I've forgotten a lot of the French
30:19I learned at school as well.
30:21- Well don't you worry, I'll be with you.
30:24(laughter)
30:26(car backfiring)
30:32It's a difficult language, you know
30:35cause one of my most favoritest meals
30:38is duck a l'orange but I don't know
30:41how to say that in French.
30:44- It's canard.
30:45- Well you can say that again, bruv.
30:47(laughter)
30:50- No the French word or duck is canard.
30:54- Is it?
30:55I thought that was something to do with the QE2.
30:58- No that's (mumbles).
31:00They're the ones that make the boats
31:01and what have you
31:03but French for duck is canard.
31:05- Right, lovely, jubly.
31:07Right so how do the French say a l'orange then?
31:11(laughter)
31:13- A l'orange.
31:15- What, the same as we do?
31:17- Yes.
31:18- Dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words,
31:23innit eh?
31:27- Stupid aint they?
31:29- Yeah.
31:32I can't wait to get there, Rodders.
31:34I bet they're gonna throw a Mardi gras.
31:36Cause the old French, they don't scrimp
31:38when it comes to a celebration.
31:40-[Rodney] Yeah that's right.
31:41I imagine it will be some quiet little back water somewhere.
31:46I bet half of them don't even know the wars over.
31:50(car backfiring)
31:51(laughter)
32:14- Ah, au revoir.
32:16(laughter)
32:17Au revoir.
32:19Derek unt Rodney Trotter.
32:22- Bonjour monsieur.
32:24Bonjour.
32:27- Excuse me, did you say Trotter?
32:31- Yeah, we're Albert Trotter's great nephews.
32:34- Very pleased to meet you.
32:36George Parker, I sailed with your uncle
32:38during the war.
32:40Is Albert not coming?
32:42- No I'm afraid not.
32:45Unfortunately he passed away a few months ago.
32:49- Oh I'm very sorry to hear that.
32:51- Yeah, well so are we.
32:56- Well, where's the crew?
33:00- Crew?
33:01Oh here.
33:02I'm the only one that's turned up.
33:04All the others are either dead, in old peoples home
33:07or just couldn't be bothered.
33:10- I see, well.
33:12We're here to represent Albert,
33:15so let's get started.
33:17- Oh right.
33:18Mr. Mayor, S'il vous plait.
33:25(off beat marching music)
33:35(laughter)
33:37- Are you wearing Albert's medals?
33:39- Yes, with pride.
33:44Come on, Rodney, show some decorum.
33:46They're playing the American anthem.
33:47(laughter)
34:00-[Denzil] I knew we should of got a later ferry.
34:02Did they accept my opinion?
34:04No, i listen to bloody Del
34:06like I've listened to him all me life.
34:09- Still, it gives us a bit of time to see France.
34:12(laughter)
34:16- We've got seven hours to kill.
34:21Relax, Denzil, relax.
34:25When I was married to Karin, she was always
34:27saying that to me, Relax Denzil,
34:31and I would.
34:34Then Del would phone and...
34:36- I like Karin.
34:37(laughter)
34:39I used to think that if ever I got married,
34:42I'd like it to be to a girl like her.
34:45- Yeah, she was okay.
34:47You ever though of getting married, Trig?
34:49- No, I haven't me the right person yet.
34:52But I've always had this sort of image
34:56of my perfect woman.
34:58Sort of my dream girl.
35:01- And what's she like?
35:02- Oh she's nothing to look at, very plain.
35:06Little scar on her chin where she had a wart removed.
35:08(laughter)
35:14Want a jelly baby?
35:16- Yeah.
35:21(soft marching music)
35:31- Oh that's Albert alright.
35:33You two haven't a clue have you?
35:35You've lead lives of luxury.
35:37You don't know what its like to suffer on the high seas.
35:41- As it happens, we do.
35:42We've served our time at sea.
35:44- Where were you, the Falklands?
35:48- No, cruise around the Hawaiian islands.
35:50(laughter)
35:51- A cruise liner?
35:52That's not a ship.
35:53- Kept the water off our feet.
35:56- You should of been on the Russian convoys
35:57with your Uncle and me.
35:59We had 100 foot waves.
36:01- Oh I don't know.
36:02It got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night, didn't it?
36:05- We had storm and tempest.
36:08- Well you should of seen our cabin ride.
36:10- We had hail and sleet.
36:11- We had hail and piss.
36:13(laughter)
36:18- Sometimes I think about a future.
36:20I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor,
36:23like my cousin Ronny.
36:25Then again, he did always have a strange taste in women.
36:30- In what way?
36:31- Well they were men.
36:33(laughter)
36:35- I remember Ronny.
36:38- Do you ever miss being married, Denzil?
36:41- Well there's somethings I miss.
36:43I'd like to miss a nice woman, though.
36:45- Yeah me too.
36:47Take her out, give her something to eat.
36:48- Yeah.
36:50Get to know each other a bit, you know.
36:52Might like each other.
36:54Then who knows, in time.
36:57Maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me.
37:00(laughter)
37:07- Yeah hang on a minute.
37:08Just something I want to know.
37:09How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, right,
37:13managed to end up 30 miles inland?
37:15- It's a long story, son.
37:17- Alright, come on we got to go.
37:19- We were sailing in this flotilla.
37:22- Oh god.
37:24- On our way up to Denmark, we were,
37:26to drop off military supplies to the royal marines.
37:30Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet
37:33and Albert was at the wheel.
37:37Well, we got a radio message that say
37:40a German fleet was approaching us
37:42from the opposite direction.
37:44Pretty soon, Jerry spotted us
37:46and Albert, without waiting for orders,
37:49threw the ship to port and five minutes later, we crashed.
37:54- Into what?
37:55- France.
37:56(laughter)
37:59We hit some rocks on the Normandy coast
38:01and run aground.
38:02Well, we were sitting ducks, weren't we?
38:05We knew Jerry was on our tail.
38:07So we legged it overland.
38:09We must of been going for two days and nights
38:13and finally we ended up here in this little village.
38:17Where the people, god bless em,
38:19took us in and hid us.
38:22Oh the Gestapo came looking for us
38:24but they never found us
38:25until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
38:28- You're kidding.
38:30- No.
38:31I don't want to upset you
38:33but Albert was a bit of a lad in those days, you know.
38:38He can sign, he can dance, he can play the piano,
38:42and the women liked him and he liked the women
38:46and during our stay here, how shall I put it?
38:51He kept himself busy.
38:55- I don't believe him.
38:57The garrote old git.
39:01Oh too sweet.
39:02(laughter)
39:04- It was every man for himself in those days.
39:06I mean, there was a war on.
39:08They were hard times
39:10and everybody just grabbed the little bit
39:11of pleasure they could.
39:13(laughter)
39:19(soft instrumental music)
39:32(laughter)
39:48(laughter)
39:53You see.
39:54Most of the men were either away fighting
39:57or locked up and when they got
39:59to hear about Albert's shenanigans,
40:00they weren't best pleased.
40:02Which was understandable under the circumstance.
40:05- So who grassed you up?
40:07- The French Resistance.
40:08(laughter)
40:10One day the SS just turned up
40:12and rounded us all up and would you believe it?
40:15Albert, with one or two others, escaped
40:17and made it back to Blighty.
40:22Excuse me,
40:23just going to the gents.
40:30(people chattering)
40:32- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
40:35- Think I am.
40:40(laughter)
40:42There's another one, look.
40:44(laughter)
40:48- Good god, it's like a geriatric village of the damned.
40:50(laughter)
40:54- I don't know about Saint Claire Ala Chapel.
40:57They should rename this place Trottersville.
41:00(laughter)
41:03-[Rodney] What do you think of all the other countries
41:04he's visited and what he must of got up to?
41:07I mean America, India.
41:09-[Del] I bet he didn't even leave Australia alone,
41:11did he?
41:12- Africa?
41:13Middle East.
41:14Do you remember that woman he mentioned?
41:16He's putting it about all over the place.
41:18- Raquel was wrong.
41:20It wasn't like Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
41:24It was more like Captain Birdeyes' Banjo.
41:26(laughter)
41:29(soft French music)
41:39- Merci becoup.
41:40Au revoir.
41:43- I really don't understand you.
41:44I mean we could of bought a bottle of duty free wine
41:46on the ferry.
41:48- Yeah I know but things in here are probably
41:50a euro or two cheaper, aren't they?
41:52And we got to save our money, haven't we?
41:55- Yes, I suppose.
42:00I don't believe it.
42:03- What's that, what's that, Rodney?
42:05- Look over there.
42:06It's only Denzil.
42:08- You're having me on, aren't you?
42:10You're right.
42:11Hey, how Denzil.
42:13- Hey Del, Rod, hi.
42:17Fancy meeting you here.
42:19- That's just what I was gonna say.
42:21What are you doing here?
42:22- Well I had a free day and Christmas is coming
42:25so I thought I'd pop over
42:26and get a couple of packs of cheap beer.
42:29What brings you here?
42:30- Oh we were just coming back from Uncle Albert's
42:33reunion and Rodney said, as we're passing a warehouse,
42:36why don't we whip in here and get a couple of cases of wine.
42:40Didn't you, Rodney?
42:41- Yeah.
42:44- Tell me, have you got your truck with you?
42:46- Well yes, it's out the back actually.
42:48Why do you ask?
42:49- No it's just that I was thinking
42:50that we haven't got much room in our little van
42:53and I thought, well if Denzil's got some space
42:56in his truck, we could take, just you know,
42:59a couple of extra cases, couldn't we, Rodney?
43:02- Yeah maybe.
43:04- Del Boy, Dave.
43:08- Oh look it's Trigger.
43:09Would you believe it?
43:11- Only if I'd been heavily sedated.
43:13(laughter)
43:14- Hello, Trig.
43:16What are you doing here?
43:17- You said meet us here at four o'clock.
43:19(laughter) (applause)
43:26- I don't believe you sometimes, Trigger.
43:30- This is a set up, isn't it?
43:31- No, no, no, no.
43:34It was just a little surprise,
43:36for you Rodders.
43:37- Oh right.
43:38Here we are surrounded by a million gallons
43:40of cheap booze, Denzil's got his truck outside
43:43and the Nags Head waiting for its cellar to be filled.
43:45- Oi, oi, oi.
43:47Keep your noise down will you?
43:50Alright, I admit it.
43:52It was my fault.
43:53I agreed to it.
43:56- Agreed to it with who?
43:58- Well with me.
44:01- Well you shouldn't have.
44:02I'm running the firm, now.
44:03- Rodney, everyones at it,
44:05it just that we're a bit slow on the uptake.
44:08- I don't believe this.
44:10- We need the money.
44:15- Okay but I wasn't looking, alright?
44:18- Alright, we'll say that you was in the toilet.
44:21Good boy, Rodney.
44:22You know it makes sense.
44:24- Paid for it, Del.
44:25They're loading it out back.
44:26- Hey, he's paid for it.
44:27Come on.
44:29(soft French music)
44:38- Is this it?
44:40- And that.
44:44- Oh my god.
44:47- Come on, Denzil.
44:49We better help out
44:50we haven't got long.
44:51- Hey?
44:52No it's alright, Trig.
44:53Got plenty of time, yet.
44:53- Yeah plenty of time.
44:54- Now wait a minute?
44:55Did any of us move our watches
44:56forward one hour to French time?
44:59- No.
45:00- No.
45:01- No!
45:02Oh my god, we've only got half an hour
45:04before the ferry leaves.
45:05You dipstick, Rodney!
45:07Hey.
45:09(shouts)
45:12come on, get out.
45:14(upbeat French music)
45:21(laughter)
45:23(horn hooks)
45:24(shouting)
45:37voila.
45:38(laughter)
45:41-[Raquel] So how was Albert's reunion?
45:43- Oh yeah, brilliant.
45:45Thousands of people were there, weren't they?
45:47- Oh yeah, there was thousands and thousands you know.
45:49(mumbles) like that and everything.
45:52Yeah I tried to phone you
45:53but I couldn't get through.
45:54- Oh I meant to tell you.
45:55We had a letter yesterday, they cut the phone off.
45:57Something to do with an unpaid bill.
45:58- Oh alright, I'll sort it out tomorrow.
46:00I'll tell em I couldn't call them
46:02cause they cut the phone off.
46:03(laughter)
46:05- Have you eaten?
46:06- Yeah on the ferry.
46:07I had a quick omelet salad.
46:08Del had a mutton madras and four Irish coffees.
46:11- Yeah, very nice it was too.
46:13Thank you.
46:14- It's brilliant over in France.
46:15You should of seen the size of this wine warehouse
46:17we went to.
46:18I said to Denzil, we should have this sort
46:19of thing back in Britain.
46:21- Denzil was with you?
46:23- Eh?
46:25- Yes, yes.
46:27Yes he was there.
46:28Well we just bumped into him.
46:30Like you know, it was a coincidence, funny eh?
46:33- Yeah amazing.
46:34- Yeah it was absolute.
46:35Look what I've got here.
46:37Look, there a bottle of Champagne to celebrate
46:41our safe return, alright?
46:44- I mean, all the arrangements we made with Sid.
46:47Del says to him, "Keep the pup cellar clear.
46:50We'll be back at eight"
46:52and what does he do?
46:54- What?
46:55- What do you mean what?
46:56You were there.
46:57He allowed the brewery to make a delivery.
47:00- The way that brewery carries on,
47:01anyone would think they owned the pub.
47:03(laughter)
47:10(laughter)
47:14- Trigger!
47:20Bloody hell.
47:23- So let me get this straight.
47:25You just happened to meet Denzil
47:27in a wine warehouse in France?
47:29And did Denzil have his lorry with him?
47:31- Don't know.
47:32- We didn't ask.
47:33- Only I imagine you could get an awful lot of beer
47:35in the back of that lorry.
47:36- And did Denzil follow you back?
47:38- No, no he stayed over there.
47:40- Yeah, yeah that's right.
47:41He's having a little holiday.
47:44- Yes he having...
47:45Oh, look what I've got in here.
47:47I just remembered.
47:48Look at that, I got you a French football shirt, son.
47:50- Oh brilliant.
47:51Dad, can I try it on?
47:52- Of course you can.
47:53Go on, there you go.
47:54- Here you go, Cass.
47:55Look, got you some special French perfume.
47:56- Thank you.
47:57- And look what I got you, sweetheart.
47:59There you are.
48:00- Oh Del.
48:03They're lovely.
48:04- Yeah well they say that diamonds
48:06are a girls best friend
48:07but a zircon can be good company.
48:10(laughter)
48:13(phone rings)
48:16- Hello?
48:19Del, it's Denzil.
48:21- Denzil, what's he doing phoning me
48:23all the way from France?
48:26- No, he's down at your garage.
48:29I know you've been up to.
48:30Why'd you lie to me?
48:31- Because darling, I didn't think the truth
48:33would do me any favors.
48:35We need the money, Raquel,
48:37and that is no lie.
48:39Let me speak to him.
48:41Bonjour, Denzil.
48:46(curses in French)
48:47(laugher)
48:51You sprechen ze lingo?
48:53sprechen the old Anglaise?
48:57- Give it up Del, he don't speak a word.
49:00- So what are we gonna do with him?
49:02- We just have to let him go, won't we?
49:05-[Rodney] We can't just let him go.
49:06A stranger on this estate.
49:08Can you imagine what the gangs
49:09will do to him?
49:10- Yeah, for all we know
49:11he could be part of Al Qaeda.
49:13(laughter)
49:14- Don't be stupid.
49:15- Yeah.
49:16I mean does he look like he works in a furniture store?
49:19(laughter)
49:23- No, no, no.
49:24What I meant--
49:25- Denzil, let's not even go there.
49:26- We'll just have to drop him off somewhere.
49:28- And what happens if he gets pulled by the old bill?
49:30- Oh he'll be alright.
49:32They'll take him to that new immigration center
49:33down at Croydon and look after him there,
49:35wouldn't they?
49:36- Yeah but he was hiding in my truck
49:37and that's a 2,000 pound fine for starters.
49:40- Yeah and some of these illegals
49:42cut a deal with the police
49:44by telling them who brought em in.
49:45How'd you think us two would fair
49:46under British justice eh?
49:49- Well we can't leave him in here all night, can we?
49:51Cause he, well he'd probably suffocate or something.
49:54- We'll have to take him back to the flat.
49:57- Oh yeah?
49:58What we gonna say to Raquel?
49:59We'll say excuse me, darling,
50:00we got a bloke here, don't know who he is,
50:01don't know where he comes from,
50:02make him double egg and chips will ya?
50:03(laugher)
50:04You are a blonker, Rodney.
50:06- Have you got a better idea?
50:08At least this way we can keep an eye on him
50:10and stop him going to the police.
50:12- Oh I don't believe this.
50:15Alright.
50:17Look you carry on unloading
50:18and we'll take him somewhere.
50:26(laughter)
50:28- So what we gonna say?
50:30I don't know.
50:31I do not know.
50:32We're just gonna have to play it by ear.
50:33All I know is we got to get
50:34him pubbed away somewhere.
50:36- Come on.
50:39(TV in background)
50:42(laughter)
50:46- Look who we bumped into.
50:50- Yeah, he was just walking past.
50:56(TV turns off)
50:57- Aren't you going to introduce us?
50:59(laughter)
51:01- Yes.
51:02Yes, sorry, yes of course.
51:03Of course,
51:04this this, is Raquel who is my significant other.
51:08This is Cassandra, who is Rodney's wife
51:12and this is Damian who is my son
51:14and this, and this, this,
51:17this is Rodney's friend.
51:20(laughter)
51:23- Yes, yes.
51:25This is my friend.
51:28- Does he have a name?
51:30- Don't be silly.
51:31Of course he has a name.
51:32- Well of course.
51:33- Of course he has a name.
51:35(laughter)
51:37- Well?
51:39- Is that not a name?
51:40His name, his name is Gary.
51:46- Yes, yes this is Gary.
51:50- Good old Gary.
51:54- Nice to meet you, Gary.
51:55- Hi, Gary.
51:57- He's.
51:58(laughter)
52:00He's a little, you know,
52:01he's a little bit shy.
52:02He probably wants to sit down.
52:04Rodney, help him sit down.
52:06Gary, sit down.
52:07Sit down, good boy.
52:08There he is.
52:09Oh he's sitting.
52:10Like that, there you go.
52:11- Where do you know him from?
52:13- Who, Gary?
52:14- Yeah.
52:17- Oh yeah.
52:18It was from Rodney's evening school.
52:20- Yes, from my evening school.
52:23- But I was at your evening school.
52:25That's where we met.
52:27I don't remember Gary.
52:28- No, this is another evening school.
52:30- When did you go there then?
52:33- One evening.
52:34(laughter)
52:36- Would you like something to drink, Gary?
52:42Gary?
52:46- Gary.
52:47(laughter)
52:50(laughing)
52:53- He said Gary.
52:54Gary.
52:55- It seems like he says it.
52:57Gary.
52:58Oh you kill me.
53:01- He can't speak any English, can he?
53:03- What?
53:04Of course.
53:05Speak English?
53:06Well he's like the talking clock
53:07once he starts, you can't stop him.
53:09- Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary?
53:15- Gary.
53:17(laughter)
53:19- Oh my god, he's an illegal immigrant.
53:22(shushes)
53:23- Raquel, don't say that too loud around this estate.
53:26It will cause a panic.
53:27- Oh yes, you've got an illegal.
53:29(laughter)
53:31- Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
53:32I really am sorry.
53:33This has nothing to do with us.
53:34They found him in the back of Denzil's lorry.
53:37- Look, we didn't have a clue he was there.
53:39He must of snuck in while
53:41we has having a coffee.
53:42- What are you planning to do with him?
53:44- I don't know.
53:45- Well he can't stay here.
53:46- Where's he gonna go?
53:47- What are you suggesting we do?
53:49Just sit him down to watch the football?
53:51- Well we can't just chuck him out on this estate, Raquel,
53:53he'll be crack addict by the second half.
53:55(laughter)
53:57- What I think we might have to do.
53:59(laughter)
54:01- No, no, no.
54:02No, no, no.
54:03It's alright, it's alright.
54:05- No, no, no.
54:06Look, no see it's, look,
54:07a lighter, see, lighter, right?
54:14- Gary.
54:15(laughter)
54:26- Two teaspoon fulls of curry paste.
54:31That's one, two.
54:36One for the pot.
54:38(laughs)
54:39yes.
54:41- I thought I could smell something.
54:42- Yeah I know.
54:43You can't wait for this, can you sweetheart?
54:45- I can.
54:47- Oh no you got to take your time.
54:49Take your time with this.
54:51- Yeah the longer the better.
54:53- I just got to find out what nationality Gary is
54:56and then hand him over to the organization
54:58that represents his people.
55:00- But he doesn't speak any English
55:02so how do you intend to find out where he comes from?
55:04- Well we...
55:06Yeah, good point.
55:10- Wheres Gary?
55:11- He's having a shower.
55:12- I've lent him some of Del's clothes, Raquel.
55:14I hope you don't mind.
55:15- Well you could give him some of Del's aftershave, too
55:16if you like,
55:18- Things are bad enough for him as it is.
55:19(laughter)
55:22- Del?
55:23Rodney's only gone and...
55:25- Look at that.
55:26You know what I'm gonna call this?
55:28I'm calling this Chicken Trotter.
55:30- That could be a very apt name for it.
55:33(laughter)
55:42- Oh alright, Gary.
55:44- Gary.
55:46- Yeah, well you can come and sit down, son.
55:52- Oh my god.
55:54He looks like a set of traffic lights.
55:57- Don't be so rude, Damian.
55:59- He probably comes from some war torn country somewhere.
56:03He's probably witnessed mass murder, torture.
56:06- Oh yeah, maybe he was one of the murderers and torturers.
56:11(laughter)
56:14- No I mean he don't look like a mass murderer, does he?
56:17- Dressed in Del's pajamas, Adolph Hitler
56:18wouldn't look like a mass murderer.
56:21- Oh my god.
56:22You could of color coordinated him a bit, Rodney.
56:24- Yeah well fashion design never was
56:26my strong point, Raquel.
56:28- Alright, here we go.
56:30Right.
56:31Very nice.
56:33Very very tasteful, Gary.
56:35- Gary.
56:37- That's a good boy.
56:38Get your laughing gear around that, will ya?
56:40- Why'd you make him a curry?
56:42- I just wanted to make him feel at home, didn't I?
56:45- Del, I don't think he's Asian.
56:46He's more Arabic.
56:48- Alright, let's pop down to the perfect pizza
56:50and pick up a deep pan pepperoni and sheep's head.
56:53(laughter)
56:55It's only a ruby.
56:57It doesn't matter if you're an Asian, an Arab,
56:59or an Eskimo, everyone loves a ruby.
57:03- Oh.
57:04(laughter)
57:07- Glass of water.
57:09- Gary.
57:10- Yeah good boy, good boy.
57:11- Gary. - Get him a glass of water.
57:13Rodney, here take that.
57:14He can finish that out there.
57:16- Gary!
57:17Gary.
57:20- I think maybe the vindaloo might of been
57:22a bit hot for the boy.
57:24(doorbell rings)
57:25- It's the police.
57:26I know it's the police.
57:27- Oh this is just great.
57:27I'm gonna give birth in Holloway.
57:31(shushes)
57:32- I don't know, just.
57:36Hello, who is it?
57:37-[Boycie] Del Boy, it's Boycie.
57:40- It's alright, it's only Boycie.
57:45Well this is an unpleasant surprise.
57:47(laughter)
57:50- Rodney.
57:51- Boycie.
57:52- Good evening, Raquel.
57:54May I say you are looking particularly lovely tonight
57:57and you too Cassandra.
58:00You have that maternal glow
58:01that only comes from being in the family way.
58:05Hello little man.
58:08- Do not touch me, batty boy.
58:14- He's a character isn't he?
58:17- What do you want, Boycie?
58:18- Oh a large cognac would be lovely,
58:19thank you Raquel.
58:20- You'll be lucky, Boycie.
58:22Here you are Rodney, cheers.
58:25Now Boycie, if you think I'm driving for you tonight,
58:26you got another thing coming pal.
58:28- Oh it's not that, Del.
58:30I've got a bit of a problem.
58:33My, I'm being chucked out of my house.
58:36(laughing)
58:37- Good for Marlene.
58:38- She's finally thrown you out.
58:40- No Marlene didn't.
58:41The police did.
58:43The house is full of gas.
58:44Those bloody log effect fires Lenny Colby fit in
58:48are leaking all over the place.
58:50(laughter)
58:51On top of all that,
58:52the gas board can't turn it off at the mains
58:54cause Lenny snapped the handle off.
58:57They've evacuated the entire road.
59:00While Marlene's gone off to her mums with Tyler
59:02and I was going to check into a hotel
59:06but I left everything in the house,
59:08wallet, credit cards, car keys, the lot.
59:11Fire brigade won't let me back in
59:12cause it's too dangerous.
59:14So all I've got is what I'm wearing.
59:19- Well that is bad news, innit Boycie.
59:21So what you doing here?
59:22- Well I was in trouble Del
59:24so I thought id go and seek the help
59:25of my best friend.
59:27- But you decided to call in here first?
59:28(laughter)
59:31- Derek is my best friend, he always has been.
59:33- Yeah well, on your bike Boycie.
59:35- I just need a bed for the night, Del.
59:38I'm throwing myself on your mercy.
59:41- Why can't you stay at Marlene's moms
59:42with your wife and child?
59:44- Cause the batty old mare won't let me in her house.
59:46(laughter)
59:47We had a row at our wedding.
59:49She cast out upon my personal hygiene.
59:53Apparently, there was this horrible smell
59:55of onion and she blamed me.
59:57(laughter)
60:01- Couldn't you stay with Trigger?
60:02- Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat?
60:04It's like having a seance with Mr. Bean.
60:06(laughter)
60:09- Well Denzil's got room at his place.
60:10- Yeah but he's not there.
60:11Nobody knows when he's gonna be back.
60:14Why do I get the feeling you don't want me here?
60:16- No it's not that, Boycie.
60:18- It is.
60:19- No look, it's just that we're overcrowded.
60:22Raquel and I got our bedroom,
60:24Cassandra and Rodney get their bedroom.
60:26Damien's got his bedroom.
60:27- Yeah well the sofa will do.
60:29- Well, Gary's sleeping on that.
60:31- Gary?
60:33- Gary.
60:35- Good god.
60:36- This is Gary, it's Rodney's friend.
60:38- What happened here?
60:39Did he get ready for bed in a power cart?
60:41(laughter)
60:43(laughing)
60:47They're your pajamas and dressing aren't they?
60:50- You got it in one.
60:51- Yeah I should of realized it.
60:52Who else could combine lime green
60:54and fire engine red and make it work?
60:58- Well I've always had an eye for color,
60:59you know me.
61:01- Derek, could I have a word please?
61:03- Of course you can, sweetheart.
61:05Of course.
61:09(laughter)
61:17(laughter)
61:20- Before you say anything, Boycie is not staying here.
61:22We've already got Gary
61:24or whatever his name is, but at least
61:25he doesn't speak.
61:26Now, if you want to play Lawrence of Peckham,
61:28well it's up to you
61:30but Boycie is not staying here.
61:32- Look darling, sweetheart, I feel,
61:35well I fell just a little bit guilty, you see.
61:38I was the one that made Boycie's head
61:39smell like a shepherds pie.
61:41- Good.
61:43- No it's not good because he wouldn't
61:44of had a row with his in laws then would he
61:46and then he would of been staying there.
61:48Not only that, there's these log effect gas fires.
61:53- Oh no.
61:54You sold them?
61:55- No, no it wasn't me.
61:57It was Rodney.
61:58Rodney, I told him.
62:00I said to him don't sell these gas fires
62:02because they're dangerous
62:03but he wouldn't listen to me
62:04because you know what he's like, don't ya?
62:06So I feel just a little bit guilty.
62:09Its only for one night, sweetheart.
62:11- Alright one night but if they're not gone
62:14by tomorrow evening then I will be.
62:16- No they will be history, sweet.
62:18Oh thank you very much darling.
62:19You are a diamond.
62:22- No, it's just a little blister.
62:25- Alright Boycie we've decided.
62:26You can stay.
62:28You can stay on the camp bed.
62:30We got one in the cupboard.
62:31- Oh that's perfect, Derek.
62:33Well that's exciting for you, Damian.
62:34You're going to be spending the night in a camp bed.
62:37- No he is not.
62:38- Well he's only a little boy.
62:39You always get rid of the kids
62:41to make room for the adults.
62:42- Yes but in your case we're making an exception.
62:45So either the camp bed or nothing.
62:47- Alright the camp bed it will have to be.
62:50Now then here we are, coat.
62:54Now I promise you that you will hardly know
62:56that I'm here.
63:01Did you make that drink for me, Raquel?
63:03(laughter)
63:04I'll tell you what, I am starving.
63:07(laughter)
63:12- Fancy a plate of curry?
63:14- Lovely.
63:15- Lovely.
63:17(laughter)
63:21(groaning)
63:30- You still awake, Gary?
63:33- Gary.
63:34(laughter)
63:37- That currys doing a congo in my colon.
63:40(laughter)
63:44I only had one mouthful.
63:48You still hungry, Gary?
63:50- Gary.
63:52- I'll make us a sandwich.
64:11Do sell by dates mean nothing to the Trotters?
64:15I've seen younger items at the antiques roadshow.
64:18(laughter)
64:20It will have to be cheese, Gary.
64:23-[Gary] Gary.
64:33- Oh do you want piccalilli?
64:35(shrieks)
64:38What's the matter you cold son?
64:39(dramatic music) Well get back bed.
64:40Warm yourself up.
64:41Go on, go on.
64:42That's alright, get in the sofa there.
64:43That's alright, get back in there.
64:44Get really nice and warm, that's right.
64:47Blimey, you are cold, aint ya?
64:54- Well I tell you what.
64:55Get the suitcase out of the table.
64:57You set it up and I'll do the spieling right?
64:59- Excuse me?
65:00Hello, I'm in charge now.
65:02- Oh right.
65:03What do you want to do?
65:05- Well I'll get the suitcase out, you can do the spieling.
65:08- That's a good idea.
65:19Hello, sweetheart.
65:21How are you?
65:22- One night you said.
65:24- Yeah I know.
65:25- Four bloody nights, Derek.
65:26Four nights I've had them sleeping in the living room.
65:29- Yeah alright, alright I'll have words.
65:31Don't worry.
65:32- And Boycie keeps putting that rotten hair gel on
65:34and then having the audacity to complain about the smell.
65:38- But I can't say anything to him can I?
65:40Otherwise he'll know that it was me what done it.
65:45- Oh there you are.
65:46I have good news.
65:47The gas board has just given us the all clear
65:49to move back into the house.
65:51Thank you for being there when I needed you.
65:54- That's alright, Boycie,
65:55you'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
65:58- I suppose so.
65:59(laughter)
66:01Oh by the way, I'd get that smell sorted out
66:02if I were you.
66:04You know what, I reckon someones dumped
66:06a kebab in your hot air duct.
66:08(laughter)
66:09Oh and you know that contract I was telling you about?
66:11- Oh yeah.
66:12- We'll I've got to go and sign it next Wednesday in Paris.
66:15- Oh go on.
66:16- And I want you to drive me there.
66:17Make the right impression.
66:19So go and hire us a nice vehicle.
66:22- Hire a nice vehicle when you got a showroom
66:25full of cars?
66:27- Yes but I want one that's gonna get us there.
66:28(laughter)
66:30It's only money after all.
66:32You don't mind if I take your staff away, do you?
66:35- No, not at all.
66:36In fact, I think I'll come with you for the ride.
66:39- Yes, it will be good experience for you.
66:41Witnessing a man becoming a millionaire.
66:43Might rekindle a few memories.
66:44(laughs)
66:47- You are one fresh git aint ya?
66:51Hey I've had an idea.
66:53Why don't we take Gary with us?
66:54We can drop him off on the continent.
66:56- Don't be stupid, Rodney.
66:57If we get caught,
66:59we'll be the only people in history
67:00to get fined for trying to smuggle
67:02someone out of the country.
67:03(laughter)
67:05- You'll have to find him first.
67:06I saw him about an hour ago hitchhiking
67:08around the Elephant and Castle.
67:10- He's gone?
67:11- Damian and his mates took him
67:12to play football this morning.
67:14The last time I saw him,
67:15he was in a Volkswagen camper van surrounded
67:17by a bunch of Australian backpackers.
67:19(laughter)
67:21- Oh well we did our best for him, didn't we?
67:24- Yeah.
67:25I suppose he'll see a bit of the word now,
67:26won't he?
67:28(sniffing)
67:31- Can you smell onions?
67:36- Yeah.
67:37(laughter)
67:42(laughs)
67:43- There you are darling.
67:44I told you I'd get it sorted.
67:45- Yeah, well done, Del.
67:46I'll see you back home.
67:48Our nice uncrowded home.
67:50- Okay.
67:52- Coming in boss.
67:53Let's get selling.
67:54(upbeat guitar music)
68:04(laughter)
68:06- It's a van.
68:07- Yeah that's all they had.
68:08- Yeah they were right out of saloons.
68:09- Yeah.
68:10Get inside, it's nice and comfy.
68:12- I don't believe this is happening to me.
68:14This is the most important meeting in my life
68:15and I'm going in a van.
68:18(laughter)
68:19- Oh shut up.
68:20Get in, stop moaning.
68:23(upbeat music)
68:27-[Boycie] Let's understand one thing, Derek,
68:28we are not stopping at any warehouses
68:29to load up with beer.
68:32-[Del] Nothing was further from my thought.
68:35- Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son,
68:38Rahseed Mahmoon.
68:41Mr. Mahmoon was kidnapped over a week ago
68:43whilst working at his fathers wine warehouse
68:45in Sherbet.
68:46(laughter)
68:48- I was loading in the back of a truck
68:49when the kidnappers trapped me.
68:51(laughter)
68:55I was taken to an apartment.
68:56I have no idea where it was.
68:58I was held there for four days and nights
69:02by two men and two women.
69:05I don't know what language they spoke.
69:07(speaks foreign language)
69:09Sometimes I detected the occasional word of English.
69:12(laughter)
69:13They brought a big man in to guard me at night.
69:15He carried a large knife
69:17and his hair smelled of...
69:20(speaks foreign language)
69:22Onions.
69:23(laughter)
69:24- Interpol has launched the Europe wide search
69:26for the criminals behind the kidnap.
69:28The only information they have so far
69:30is that the organization which they are calling
69:32the Gary gang, may have south London connections.
69:36(laughter)
69:38(upbeat French music)
69:40(speaking French)
69:50(laughter)
69:57- Gentlemen.
70:03(speaking foreign language)
70:08Mr. Boycie, this is Mr. Mahmoon.
70:11- Delighted.
70:13- Please, please sit down.
70:22(laughter)
70:25(speaking foreign language)
70:28- Mr. Chairman says he has always admired the British.
70:33(speaking foreign language)
70:40His grandmother met an English sailor during the war.
70:43(laughter)
70:56(speaking foreign language)
70:59You are happy with the contract, Mr. Boycie?
71:01- Oh oui, extremely.
71:05- Then we will sign.
71:09Mr. Boycie, this is Mr. Mahmoon's son, Rashid.
71:14(laughter)
71:18- Gary!
71:19(laughter)
71:20- Gary.
71:22(shouting in foreign language)
71:25(dramatic music) (laughter)
71:39(clears throat)
71:42- Got a pen?
71:44(upbeat French music)
71:50-[Boycie] I came here to sign a contract
71:51that would of made me a millionaire
71:53but thanks to you two,
71:54I end up get arrested for kidnap.
71:56-[Del] Don't worry.
71:58The ambassadors on his way.
72:00-[Boycie] And what the bloody hell
72:01do you think the ambassadors gonna do?
72:02-[Del] I don't know.
72:03He might bring us a tray of Ferrero Rocher.
72:06-[Rodney] It's ridiculous.
72:07Kidnappers, us?
72:08-[Del] Boycie, I was wondering.
72:10On the way back, do you mind if we stop
72:13off at the wine warehouse?
72:15-[Boycie] Don't you think we're in enough
72:17sodding trouble as it is?
72:19-[Rodney] Are you gonna pay Del overtime for this?
72:21-[Boycie] No I am not!
72:24Can you smell onions?
72:26-[Both] Shut up.
72:28(upbeat instrumental music)
72:33♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
72:35♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
72:36♫ TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs
72:39♫ Ball games, gold chains, whatsnames
72:41♫ And (mumbles)
72:42♫ Trevor Francis track suits
72:44♫ From a mush in Shepard's Bush
72:45♫ Bush bush bush
72:47♫ Bush bush bush
72:48♫ No income tax
72:50♫ No V.A.T.
72:51♫ No money back
72:53♫ No guarantee
72:54♫ Black or white
72:56♫ Rich or poor
72:57♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
73:03♫ God bless Hooky Street
73:05♫ Viva Hooky Street
73:08♫ Long live Hooky Street
73:11♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street.
73:14♫ magnifique Hooky Street
73:19♫ Hooky Street
73:22♫ Hooky Street
73:25♫ Hooky Street
73:28♫ Hooky Street
73:30(upbeat piano music)