Only Fools and Horses S00E19 — Strangers on the Shore

Every line from “Strangers on the Shore” (1843 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S00E19 meme — “We knew Jerry was on our tail.”

00:00(upbeat instrumental music)
00:04♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ Cos if you want the best uns
00:13♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ Cos where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:22♫ Its like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But heres the one
00:27♫ Who's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33(vocalizing)
00:49- Del?
00:50If you got a minute, would you run a leather
00:52over my mini?
00:54(laughter)
00:57- No, Nina, I'm not a car cleaner,
01:00I merely agreed to do a bit of part time driving
01:02for Boycie, that is all.
01:05- Sorry, darling I forgot.
01:07You're just doing it to earn a bit of money?
01:10- No, no, no this is a hobby of mine.
01:13You know I love you and Boycie to weddings
01:16and what have you.
01:17Hanging around and picking you up at midnight.
01:19Yes, Marlene, I am doing it purely to earn a few quid.
01:23It's no secret that I've got a few problems
01:25on the old financial front.
01:28- I suppose being made bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
01:31(laughter)
01:33- Did you know, I never though of that?
01:35- Darling, when you finish doing your make up,
01:39your face should be ready for the second coat now.
01:42- Will you keep your noise down, Boycie?
01:44Do you want the neighbors to think we're vulgar?
01:48- Del, coffee?
01:50- Oh yeah, thanks very much.
01:51Cheers, Boycie.
01:52- No, I mean go around to the kitchen
01:54and make me a cup.
01:57- Yeah Boycie, you know this cars a GTI?
02:01If you rearrange the letters,
02:02you got yourself a personalized number plate.
02:05(laughter)
02:07- Two sugars in mine.
02:18- Good afternoon.
02:19- Oh afternoon.
02:21- Have Mr. And Mrs. Boycie moved?
02:25- No.
02:26No they're in prison.
02:29Yeah I'm just searching the house, you know,
02:32I'm from the drug squad.
02:33- My word.
02:36- They will be out on parole shortly
02:38so watch your step.
02:41- Thank you, officer.
02:43- Not at all, ma'am.
02:48Two sugars.
02:50(chuckles)
02:52- I mean I shouldn't be going to this wedding
02:54in my condition.
02:55I can't even smell my own aftershave.
02:58Mind you, I can't smell Del's either,
02:59so that's a plus.
03:01- Will you keep your big mouth shut at this wedding?
03:03I don't want you being sarcastic to my family.
03:06- Well that's gonna limit the conversation then, innit?
03:08Marlene, they make Grant Mitchell look intelligent.
03:12- I'm fed up with having to defend you.
03:14The times I've said to them, yes he's ugly
03:17but he's successful.
03:20And you be nice to my mum.
03:21It took me five years to convince her
03:24you're not a vampire.
03:25(laughter)
03:28- Oh hey.
03:29Looking forward to the wedding then?
03:31You look lovely, darling.
03:35(laughter)
03:40- Did I tell you about my new business, Del?
03:43- Well you did mention it, two or three dozen times.
03:47- Yeah five or six weeks from now
03:49and Boycie will be flying off to Paris
03:51to sign the contract.
03:52He's gonna be a multimillionaire.
03:56- Oh please don't.
03:57I'm gonna wet meself in a minute.
03:59- Well we don't know whether to buy a new house
04:01or have this one renovated.
04:03- Marlene, have some sensitivity.
04:06Don't talk about millions of pounds
04:08and big houses in front of Del.
04:11It will make him feel nostalgic.
04:13It must be horrible for you and Raquel
04:16having all that money and then losing it.
04:18- Good always comes out of bad, Boycie.
04:22As Raquel says, its made her appreciate
04:25the little things of life.
04:28Marlene, knows all about that.
04:31She had no choice.
04:32(laughter)
04:38- When the contracts signed, Del,
04:40I'd like us two to get together for a little chat.
04:43I want to know what you did when you became a millionaire.
04:46Make sure I don't make the same mistakes.
04:49(laughs)
04:50(coughs)
04:55Marlene, where's my hair gel?
04:58-[Marlene] Wherever you left it.
05:00-[Boycie] Oh.
05:06(laughter)
05:24(laughter)
05:40(laughter)
05:56- Hey Uncle Rodders?
05:59What was my dad like as a teenager?
06:02- Horrible.
06:03(laughter)
06:05(shouts)
06:10Uncle Rodders?
06:13What sort of teenager do you think I'll be?
06:16- Horrible.
06:19- Yes.
06:20Oh mom, Uncle Rodney says I'm gonna be horrible
06:23when I'm all grown up.
06:24- Oh did he?
06:25- No well what I meant was, all teenagers
06:27are horrible, innit they?
06:28They go through that Kevin and Perry period.
06:31- Yeah.
06:32I suppose they are a bit annoying
06:33but when you reach 21, a man leaves those days behind him
06:36and develops into a sensible, normal human being.
06:39- Yeah anyway.
06:40So I squeezed this tube,
06:41I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
06:45(laughter)
06:47So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac.
06:51(laughter)
06:53- Well that's the theory anyway.
06:56- Say what's happening?
06:57Anything on the go?
06:59- What's that about?
07:00- It's alright, just a bit of business.
07:02Nothing for you to worry about.
07:03- Nothing for me?
07:04Derrick, may I remind you that I am the managing director
07:07of Trotter's Independent Traders, now.
07:09- Go, he better (mumbles).
07:12(laughter)
07:14- Hang about, hang about, will you.
07:15What?
07:16- You were declared bankrupt.
07:17You have been banned from running any company,
07:19from sitting on any board,
07:21or from dealing in any shares.
07:23They don't even want you riding past the stock exchange
07:25on a bike.
07:27And you owe the Inland Revenue over 50,000 pounds.
07:31- Yeah well alright, who's the one that's out there
07:32earning money driving for Boycie, eh?
07:34While you sit on your IQ, all day.
07:37- Excuse me. - Hold on a minute.
07:38- You two, I'm trying to eat.
07:39- Alright, alright.
07:40I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
07:43Ow, alright.
07:45(laughter)
07:46Yeah sorry about that pal, what you say?
07:48No, it was just Rodney, you know,
07:50he was reminding me who was in charge of the firm.
07:52What?
07:53(laughs)
07:58- Well I'm sorry to spoil your appetite, Raquel,
08:00but we can't hide from (mumbles).
08:02If we don't come up with that money
08:04in a few months time,
08:05then the Inland Revenue are gonna sell this flat
08:07to the highest bidder and we're all gonna be out...
08:09I don't know where we're gonna be
08:10and I got added responsibilities now.
08:13- I know.
08:14But Del will think of something.
08:16- Is that supposed to encourage me?
08:18(laughter)
08:19IT was Del thinking of something
08:20that got us in this mess.
08:22- The Judge blamed both of you.
08:24He said you were like two modern day Neros
08:26playing at business while your empire burnt.
08:29- We might of been two Neroes, Raquel,
08:30but only one was fiddling.
08:32(laughter)
08:34- Yeah, yeah.
08:36Kush the, kush the monkey.
08:37Yeah alright, monkey.
08:39Alright, well we'll see you, monkey.
08:41Alright, bonjour monkey.
08:43That was Monkey.
08:45Anyway, he's only had a consignment
08:48of log effect gas fires come in from Slovakia.
08:51- Derek, I am running the firm now
08:53and I don't want a load of Slovakian log effect
08:55of gas fires.
08:57- Yeah I know, that's what I told him.
08:58- Oh good.
09:00How'd you know I didn't want em?
09:02- Well because we know what each others thinking,
09:05don't we?
09:06You know, we've always been a bit telescopic.
09:09Anyway, these gas fires are selling like hot cakes.
09:13Paddy the Greek, he bought 150 of them, right,
09:15and sold them to that builder who's renovating
09:17the Bob Marley estate,
09:19got 50 quid a pop for it.
09:20- 50 pounds a piece?
09:22- Yeah and then there's that Nellie Coby,
09:23you know the gas fitter?
09:24He's putting one in each room of this big house
09:26that's he's doing up.
09:28I thought well, easy money.
09:30Then I thought to meself, you know,
09:31there's business right
09:33and then there's what Rodney's doing.
09:35(laughter)
09:37And what are we into now?
09:39We're into party planning.
09:41- Yes and that sort of thing is big.
09:43- Yeah that's right.
09:44I've been in Sloan Square where they like
09:46a roasted pepper and a bucket of cous cous
09:49but this is Peckham where they like,
09:51you know a kebab and a tutu.
09:54It seems that they are very very fond of
09:56log effect gas fires.
09:58- Yeah well, given it some consideration
10:00and I am interested in them now.
10:02- Oh good cause I told him we'd have 20.
10:04(laughter)
10:07(grumbles)
10:09Will you stop that?
10:11Go look, that is your Uncle's urn, that is.
10:13(laughter)
10:18- Oi, oi, oi what you doing up?
10:19- It's daytime, I always get up.
10:21Its sort of a tradition.
10:22- Yes I know but you're pregnant now
10:24and you're supposed to rest.
10:26Now where were you going?
10:27- To the kitchen, to get some juice.
10:28- I'll get you the juice.
10:29- Oh I can get the juice myself.
10:31- I'll get the juice.
10:32- No, I'm good at getting the juice.
10:33- Oh for gods sake, I'll get the juice, blimey.
10:36Damian, go and get the juice.
10:38(laughter)
10:40- You've got to calm down, Rodney,
10:41there's a long way to go and at this rate,
10:43you'll be a nervous wreck
10:44by the time the baby's born.
10:46- You got to be very strong, both physically
10:48and mentally before the baby arrives.
10:50I remember the night that Damien was born.
10:55It was a wonderful wonderful moment
10:58but it was very very traumatic
11:01and very very stressful.
11:04But it wasn't a walk in the park
11:05for you Raquel, was it either?
11:07(laughter)
11:09- No, it wasn't.
11:11I'll go and get some more tea.
11:13- And I'm gonna get some cereal.
11:14- Well I can get--
11:15- Me, not you.
11:16Not anyone else, just me.
11:18- Alright, alright.
11:19Just be careful.
11:21- Oh my god.
11:24- Oh Rodney come on, sit down.
11:25Making like a moby.
11:27- I've been waiting a long time for this baby
11:29and I don't want anything to go wrong.
11:32- No, no that's fair enough, fair enough.
11:34There's one thing I still don't understand.
11:38A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying
11:41for this baby, weren't you?
11:43I mean, you was at it like a pair of goats.
11:45(laughter)
11:47I remember that you became so pale,
11:49you had to have your passport photo redone.
11:51(laughter)
11:53- Derek, will you stop discussing my private life
11:55in front of Damian?
11:57- Yes yes, alright, alright, sorry.
11:59Anyway, when nothing happened,
12:01she sent you up to Holly Street , eh?
12:03To have a little test on all your all,
12:05you know, on your.
12:06- Yeah I know.
12:08- Cause I remember going around to your flat, you know,
12:10I couldn't get a bottle of milk in the fridge
12:12for specimens.
12:13(laughter)
12:16And I remember what you said to me,
12:18you said, "If it hadn't been for them magazines,
12:19you would of packed it in."
12:21(laughter)
12:24- Look, we simply weren't very successful
12:26to begin with and they thought that I might
12:29have a low count.
12:30- Yes I know but you were back and forth there for ages.
12:32Shame they didn't give air miles.
12:34(laughter)
12:36And a low count, blimey, who was on the calculator, Trigger?
12:41- I don't believe you.
12:42- And then you announced that you've changed
12:43your mind about having a chavvy
12:45and then you go late night shopping at family planning.
12:49- Cassandra and I discussed it
12:50and our initial reaction was, quite naturally,
12:53to hold back until the financial climate
12:55was more conducive to starting a family, right?
12:57Then we had a change of heart.
13:01- Yeah well I understand that
13:03but in a minute you're gonna have the bailiffs
13:04on you as co parents.
13:07- We decided to try for this baby as a token, Del.
13:11As a token of our belief in our marriage.
13:13Of Trotter's Independent Traders, of the future of Britain
13:16but most importantly of all,
13:18as a token of our belief in this family.
13:26- If your dear mother could hear you now,
13:29she'd be so proud of you.
13:31- That's just how we feel.
13:33- Good boy, good boy.
13:35- Hey I know how to get babies.
13:37- I bet you do.
13:39- It must of been horrible.
13:41(laughter)
13:43- He's a lad, isn't he?
13:46I'll just go in there and kick his teeth down his throat.
13:48(laughter)
13:53- You know that kid does my head in
13:56and I bet it was him who nicked
13:57your contraceptive pills.
13:58(laughter)
14:00- Don't be so silly.
14:01- No I searched all over this flat.
14:03They was nowhere to be found.
14:05No it was him.
14:06Rat boy.
14:08- Leave him alone, he's only young.
14:10- Yeah but he seems to know everything.
14:11It's like a cross between Darry Potter and Swampy.
14:14(laughter)
14:16- Right, Rodders, come on.
14:17Get your ass in gear.
14:18We got some business to sort out.
14:19Here go and start the van, will ya?
14:22- He aint got used to me being charge yet, has he?
14:24(laughter)
14:26see you, Raquel.
14:27- Oh bye.
14:30Final reminder.
14:32Final reminder.
14:33Final reminder.
14:35This is not a circular.
14:38No its a final reminder.
14:40Oh its a letter addressed to Albert Trotter.
14:43It's from the Royal Naval Association.
14:45They obviously haven't heard.
14:47- Should we open it?
14:48- No, best leave it to Del.
14:50- Alright.
14:51I'm off sweetheart.
14:53See you later, Cassandra.
14:55- Del, a letters arrived from the Seaman's Association.
14:58- Oh that will be for Rodney.
15:00(laughter) (applause)
15:08(people chattering)
15:16- A cup of tea please, Carol.
15:19Alright, Boycie.
15:20- Denzil.
15:24- What's happening?
15:26- You are witnessing one of natures great phenomena.
15:29One that sadly, over the years, David Attenborough
15:31has ignored.
15:33It's called the Trotter brothers trying
15:35to park a three wheel van.
15:37(laughter)
15:39- Hard on your left.
15:40Alright now that's it, hard on your left.
15:43Hard on your left. - On me left?
15:44- Left, right hand down.
15:46Right hand down.
15:47- Hard on your left, eh.
15:50- Will you shut up?
15:51- No.
15:52- Eh?
15:53- Look you're the wrong angle, aren't you?
15:55- So how's business?
15:58- Business, what business?
16:01I've just got meself a new truck
16:03and I haven't had any bloody work since.
16:05I mean everything's just bad news these days.
16:08- Oh well that's where you could be wrong, my friend.
16:12I'm in the motor trade, right,
16:15and recently a fellow Mason from my lodge
16:17mentioned my firm to a certain big time client
16:20who's name I cannot possibly divulge.
16:24But suffice it to say, he's a Lebanese gentlemen
16:26who has made his mark in Europe.
16:32- Now pull out and straighten it up.
16:40- Bloody hell, Rodney.
16:41That reverse vasectomy quicker than this.
16:44- Shut up, will ya?
16:45- Hard on your left, Dave.
16:50- So what's his business?
16:52- Well lets just say he's in the commercial sector.
16:56Negotiations are in an extremely sensitive stage
17:00but in a few weeks time, Boycie Auto
17:02(mumbles) the UK franchise for most of
17:04them cheap low techs car in Europe.
17:06- Great, so where do I fit in?
17:10- You?
17:11You don't.
17:12(laughter)
17:16- So why are you telling me this then?
17:18- Well you said it was all bad news but it isn't.
17:22Next month, I could be a millionaire.
17:25- I don't sodding believe you, Boycie.
17:29- I'm only trying to cheer you up, Denzil.
17:32Can you smell onions?
17:34(laughter)
17:41- If you don't get it this time,
17:42I'm gonna back it in meself.
17:44- Oi, who's running this firm now?
17:46- Oh its got you puzzled as well, has it, eh?
17:48(laughter)
18:00At last.
18:05- You can't park there, Dave.
18:07(laughter)
18:09You're parked too close to a council owned installation.
18:13It's part of my duties as an environmental hygienist
18:16to advise you of the law.
18:18- What's in that thing?
18:20- Freezing salt.
18:21There's people like me at the sharp end
18:23who have to spread that salt on the roads
18:25in icy conditions.
18:28- What icy conditions?
18:30- I have to attend lectures on modern climatic change.
18:33What with global warming and Al Pacino.
18:38- El Nino, Trig.
18:41(laughter)
18:42- You just don't know what's gonna happen next.
18:45- Trigger, Rodney and I are going to get a bite to eat.
18:49If I buy you two pints of bitter and a cheese roll,
18:52will you turn a blind eye to this?
18:55- You trying to bribe me?
18:58- Yes.
18:59- Alright then.
19:00- Good, come on, let's go.
19:02(laughter)
19:04- If I keep on, I'm gonna tell him what I think of him.
19:07- What's up?
19:08- The neighbors, they've stopped talking to us.
19:10They're looking down their noses
19:12like they think we're criminals.
19:14(laughter)
19:15- Oh they've heard about my European deal,
19:18they're just jealous.
19:19Ignore em.
19:20(laughing)
19:22- Alright, what's so funny?
19:23- This advert innit.
19:25I mean it's just stupid.
19:26Look Rodney, I used to run me own firm.
19:29- Yeah I know, you got probation for that, didn't you?
19:31(laughter)
19:32- Yeah well dingos weren't (mumbles) on plane,
19:34true but the point I'm trying to make
19:36is nobody reads the small ads.
19:39- No well that is where you're wrong, Micky,
19:41you see cause a couple of months ago,
19:42Boycie there put an add in the paper
19:44for his car firm, right?
19:46It read urgently required security guard.
19:51That night, his show room was burgled.
19:53(laughter)
19:58Just goes to show that someone reads the small ads.
20:01- He's right.
20:03- Yeah but on the way, I've got business to attend to.
20:05- Yeah you got to go and cash that Gyro check,
20:08haven't ya?
20:09(laughter)
20:11- Hello Cassandra.
20:13How's my little god child then?
20:15- I don't know Micky, but my baby's doing alright.
20:18- See ya.
20:20- Oh look, heres the mum to be.
20:22- Oh.
20:23- Oi, oi, oi what are you doing walking about like this?
20:26- Raquel and I got fed up sitting around in that flat,
20:28so I decided to get some exercise.
20:30Like the doctor ordered me to.
20:32- She's right, Rodney.
20:33Nowadays, doctors tell pregnant women
20:34to carry on as normal.
20:36- You're not thinking of having one of them
20:37natural births, are you?
20:39- Well we have discussed using a birthing pool.
20:41- With the dampness in your flat,
20:43I don't know why you're bothering.
20:44(laughter)
20:49You know, it's such a shame you haven't
20:51got any fire grates in your place.
20:53We got young Lenny Colby fitting eight log effect
20:56gas fires in our house.
20:58(laughter)
21:00I must invite you and the family round
21:01for the big switching on ceremony.
21:03Give you something to look forward to.
21:05- Please, Boycie, I'm having an adrenaline rush already.
21:09- Oh I'll tell you another thing.
21:11When the baby's born, don't worry if its ugly.
21:14They're all ugly at birth.
21:16- Well that's true.
21:17But some are more ugly than others.
21:18Cause when Boycie was born,
21:20the midwives held him up and slapped his mother.
21:22(laughter)
21:27- Alright, on that note.
21:29I shall bid you all goodbye.
21:31Come along, Marlene.
21:33You can drive me to the showroom.
21:36- See you later, Cassandra.
21:37Bye Raquel.
21:39- Oh Del, I brought that letter down.
21:40It's not for Rodney, it's addressed to Albert.
21:42- To Albert?
21:43- I hope you're not gonna have my experience, Rodney.
21:47From the moment the baby arrived,
21:49my wife gave me nothing but hell.
21:52- Well lots of women suffer from post natal depression,
21:54don't they?
21:55- But we adopted.
21:56(laughter)
21:59- Take no notice of Sid.
22:00He's always been a cantankerous miserable old sod.
22:04- Yeah and his wife was hot blooded.
22:05She was Spanish.
22:07- He only taught her English
22:08so he could stop speaking to her.
22:09(laughter)
22:11- Hey Rodders, listen to this.
22:13There's an old naval friend of Albert's
22:15trying to organize a reunion for some of the crew
22:19that were in this fleet that went up to Denmark in 1944.
22:23- I didn't know Albert went to Denmark.
22:25- Well he didn't.
22:26The fleet never made it.
22:27- I remember him telling me about that, yeah.
22:29All the ships was named after sea creatures, weren't they?
22:31You know, HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda, that sort of thing.
22:34What was Albert's ship called?
22:36- HMS Cod.
22:37(laughter)
22:39- Yeah, yeah that was it.
22:41Yeah he said they got into some sort of trouble
22:43but none of it was his fault.
22:46- That would of been a first then, wouldn't it, eh?
22:47- Well its taking place in a village in Normandy.
22:50You'll have to write to the association,
22:52tell them Albert isn't with anymore.
22:54- Yes, yes, you're right, I suppose.
22:56Yeah I suppose so.
22:57- Isn't it a shame Elsi Partridge
22:58didn't live long enough to go to the reunion?
23:01I bet shed of loved to of been Albert's representative.
23:03- Do you remember the night he told us their story?
23:05How they'd met and fallen in love before the war?
23:09- Then he had to go off and fight for his country
23:11and they both met and married other people
23:13and then years later they met again
23:15and spent their last years together.
23:18(crying)
23:21- What's wrong with that scatty cow?
23:23(laughter)
23:25- It's her hormones.
23:27They're doing somersaults, you know.
23:29Happens when they're pregnant.
23:31- Oh right.
23:32You're alright, aint you?
23:33- Yes.
23:34- Oh thank god.
23:35- It's Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
23:37Isn't it?
23:38(chuckling)
23:41(laughter)
23:43- What's Captain Perelli's Mandarin?
23:46- No Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
23:49It's a romantic film about two lovers
23:51who meet again after the war.
23:52- Oh that's a woman's thing, isn't it?
23:57Anyway, listen I've had a thought.
23:59If Elsi can't go and represent Albert
24:01at this reunion, I think Rodney and I ought to go.
24:05- Yeah that is a brilliant suggestion.
24:07No I think Albert would of loved that idea.
24:09- I think he's not the only one who likes the idea.
24:11You two are just gonna go on a booze cruise, aren't you?
24:15- That hurts, Raquel.
24:18- That's a very cruel thing to say, Raquel.
24:21This is a family thing.
24:23We just want Albert to be remembered.
24:27- Its like, well it is, its our duty.
24:30- Alright, I'm sorry, I was only joking.
24:32- It's alright, sweetheart.
24:33I know you didn't mean nothing.
24:35- Raquel, Cassandra, look.
24:38It's a picture of my wife.
24:39Come and have a look.
24:42- Look, I don't know how you feel about this
24:44but we could Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
24:47- That's a very good idea, Rodney.
24:50No, he would really like that, wouldn't he?
24:52We'll have to do it just as we come out of the harbor
24:56because we'll be too pissed to do it later.
24:58(laughter)
25:04By the way, tell you what,
25:06why don't you drive Raquel and Cassandra home,
25:08I'll stay here and pick up the bill.
25:10- You sure?
25:11- Yeah of course. - alright.
25:12- Sid, what are all these little holes?
25:14- Darts.
25:15(laughter)
25:18It's a long story.
25:19See I met her in 1950 and we...
25:21- You two want a lift home?
25:22-[Both] Yes, please.
25:23(laughter)
25:25- Bye.
25:25- See ya, Sid.
25:26See you.
25:27- See you later.
25:28- There you are, Sid.
25:29Take it out of that, will you?
25:30Hey Denzil, you still got that lorry of yours?
25:33- Yeah, why?
25:34- Oh its just that me and Rodney are thinking
25:35of going to France.
25:37- Do you want to take a few rolls with you?
25:38- Yeah okay, thanks.
25:40No, not now.
25:41No I mean like next month.
25:43Got a little idea like,
25:44you know running around inside me head.
25:46- No.
25:47- What do you mean no?
25:48You haven't heard it yet.
25:50- Well that's good.
25:51Because this way the police can't drag it out
25:52of me under interrogation.
25:54- Interrogation, what you going on about then, Denzil?
25:56- Every time you have a little idea,
25:58someone in a blue uniform asks me questions.
26:01- Can I help it if I am misunderstood?
26:04- No misunderstanding you,
26:06you can get beer and spirits very cheaply in France
26:10and there's me with a lorry and Sid with a pub.
26:14- So what you saying?
26:15(laughter)
26:17- What I'm saying, Trig, is Del buys 1,000 pounds
26:21worth of half priced alcohol.
26:23We drive it back in the truck.
26:24Sid gets a cellar full of cheap booze
26:26and we share the profits.
26:29- No, I was thinking of bringing you all back
26:31some nice French cheese.
26:33But now you suggested that,
26:36that is a brilliant idea, Denzil.
26:40- First class.
26:41- Yeah, a few trips like this
26:43we could earn ourselves some decent money, eh?
26:45- I'm not doing it.
26:47- But it was your idea.
26:48(laughter)
26:50- No it wasn't.
26:52Well, it was in a way.
26:54I mean, that's not what I meant to say.
26:57I mean I was trying to sort of,
26:59I didn't mean.
27:00The thing is, I was just trying...
27:05Is this thing anywhere near legal?
27:06- Of course it is.
27:07Just don't tell Rodney.
27:09(laughter)
27:11(soft French music)
27:38Here you are, Rodney.
27:39You do the honors.
27:41He would of liked it.
27:44- Okay.
27:46- But do it ceremoniously, right?
27:49Not like you're emptying a Hoover bag.
27:51(laughter)
27:54(soft flute music)
28:11See you again some time, Unc.
28:14- Good luck (mumbles).
28:20You hear that?
28:22- I hope it's not his dentures.
28:23(laughter)
28:28- I don't believe it.
28:29- What?
28:32- Cassandra's birth control pills.
28:37- Cassandra's birth...
28:39Well who put them in there?
28:40- Bloody who do you think put them in there?
28:42Damien.
28:44(laughter)
28:47- He's a boy, innit he?
28:48Anyway, you don't need them no more, do you
28:51cause she's at the doc.
28:53- I know my point is,
28:54if he hadn't put, you know.
29:00He's a little sod, innit he?
29:03(laughs)
29:04- I don't know where he gets it from.
29:06(laughter)
29:08- I suppose after Raquel, eh?
29:10- Yeah, yeah more than likely.
29:13Right come on.
29:14(soft French music)
29:28Right, we got to travel up this road
29:30about another three miles, Rodders,
29:33and then look for a sign saying Saint Claire La Chapel.
29:37- Right.
29:39(car backfiring) (laughter)
29:47Where'd you get that from?
29:48- What this?
29:50Oh.
29:51(laughter)
29:52Trying to blend in with the locals, Rodney.
29:56I've always been a bit of Francophile, you know.
29:58- Oh yeah.
29:59Or a Franco (mumbles).
30:03- Just drive it.
30:05Anyway, where is my book?
30:10Bone up on me old French.
30:13It's amazing you know how quick you forget it.
30:15- Yeah I noticed.
30:17No I mean, you know.
30:18I've forgotten a lot of the French
30:19I learned at school as well.
30:21- Well don't you worry, I'll be with you.
30:24(laughter)
30:26(car backfiring)
30:32It's a difficult language, you know
30:35cause one of my most favoritest meals
30:38is duck a l'orange but I don't know
30:41how to say that in French.
30:44- It's canard.
30:45- Well you can say that again, bruv.
30:47(laughter)
30:50- No the French word or duck is canard.
30:54- Is it?
30:55I thought that was something to do with the QE2.
30:58- No that's (mumbles).
31:00They're the ones that make the boats
31:01and what have you
31:03but French for duck is canard.
31:05- Right, lovely, jubly.
31:07Right so how do the French say a l'orange then?
31:11(laughter)
31:13- A l'orange.
31:15- What, the same as we do?
31:17- Yes.
31:18- Dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words,
31:23innit eh?
31:27- Stupid aint they?
31:29- Yeah.
31:32I can't wait to get there, Rodders.
31:34I bet they're gonna throw a Mardi gras.
31:36Cause the old French, they don't scrimp
31:38when it comes to a celebration.
31:40-[Rodney] Yeah that's right.
31:41I imagine it will be some quiet little back water somewhere.
31:46I bet half of them don't even know the wars over.
31:50(car backfiring)
31:51(laughter)
32:14- Ah, au revoir.
32:16(laughter)
32:17Au revoir.
32:19Derek unt Rodney Trotter.
32:22- Bonjour monsieur.
32:24Bonjour.
32:27- Excuse me, did you say Trotter?
32:31- Yeah, we're Albert Trotter's great nephews.
32:34- Very pleased to meet you.
32:36George Parker, I sailed with your uncle
32:38during the war.
32:40Is Albert not coming?
32:42- No I'm afraid not.
32:45Unfortunately he passed away a few months ago.
32:49- Oh I'm very sorry to hear that.
32:51- Yeah, well so are we.
32:56- Well, where's the crew?
33:00- Crew?
33:01Oh here.
33:02I'm the only one that's turned up.
33:04All the others are either dead, in old peoples home
33:07or just couldn't be bothered.
33:10- I see, well.
33:12We're here to represent Albert,
33:15so let's get started.
33:17- Oh right.
33:18Mr. Mayor, S'il vous plait.
33:25(off beat marching music)
33:35(laughter)
33:37- Are you wearing Albert's medals?
33:39- Yes, with pride.
33:44Come on, Rodney, show some decorum.
33:46They're playing the American anthem.
33:47(laughter)
34:00-[Denzil] I knew we should of got a later ferry.
34:02Did they accept my opinion?
34:04No, i listen to bloody Del
34:06like I've listened to him all me life.
34:09- Still, it gives us a bit of time to see France.
34:12(laughter)
34:16- We've got seven hours to kill.
34:21Relax, Denzil, relax.
34:25When I was married to Karin, she was always
34:27saying that to me, Relax Denzil,
34:31and I would.
34:34Then Del would phone and...
34:36- I like Karin.
34:37(laughter)
34:39I used to think that if ever I got married,
34:42I'd like it to be to a girl like her.
34:45- Yeah, she was okay.
34:47You ever though of getting married, Trig?
34:49- No, I haven't me the right person yet.
34:52But I've always had this sort of image
34:56of my perfect woman.
34:58Sort of my dream girl.
35:01- And what's she like?
35:02- Oh she's nothing to look at, very plain.
35:06Little scar on her chin where she had a wart removed.
35:08(laughter)
35:14Want a jelly baby?
35:16- Yeah.
35:21(soft marching music)
35:31- Oh that's Albert alright.
35:33You two haven't a clue have you?
35:35You've lead lives of luxury.
35:37You don't know what its like to suffer on the high seas.
35:41- As it happens, we do.
35:42We've served our time at sea.
35:44- Where were you, the Falklands?
35:48- No, cruise around the Hawaiian islands.
35:50(laughter)
35:51- A cruise liner?
35:52That's not a ship.
35:53- Kept the water off our feet.
35:56- You should of been on the Russian convoys
35:57with your Uncle and me.
35:59We had 100 foot waves.
36:01- Oh I don't know.
36:02It got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night, didn't it?
36:05- We had storm and tempest.
36:08- Well you should of seen our cabin ride.
36:10- We had hail and sleet.
36:11- We had hail and piss.
36:13(laughter)
36:18- Sometimes I think about a future.
36:20I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor,
36:23like my cousin Ronny.
36:25Then again, he did always have a strange taste in women.
36:30- In what way?
36:31- Well they were men.
36:33(laughter)
36:35- I remember Ronny.
36:38- Do you ever miss being married, Denzil?
36:41- Well there's somethings I miss.
36:43I'd like to miss a nice woman, though.
36:45- Yeah me too.
36:47Take her out, give her something to eat.
36:48- Yeah.
36:50Get to know each other a bit, you know.
36:52Might like each other.
36:54Then who knows, in time.
36:57Maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me.
37:00(laughter)
37:07- Yeah hang on a minute.
37:08Just something I want to know.
37:09How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, right,
37:13managed to end up 30 miles inland?
37:15- It's a long story, son.
37:17- Alright, come on we got to go.
37:19- We were sailing in this flotilla.
37:22- Oh god.
37:24- On our way up to Denmark, we were,
37:26to drop off military supplies to the royal marines.
37:30Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet
37:33and Albert was at the wheel.
37:37Well, we got a radio message that say
37:40a German fleet was approaching us
37:42from the opposite direction.
37:44Pretty soon, Jerry spotted us
37:46and Albert, without waiting for orders,
37:49threw the ship to port and five minutes later, we crashed.
37:54- Into what?
37:55- France.
37:56(laughter)
37:59We hit some rocks on the Normandy coast
38:01and run aground.
38:02Well, we were sitting ducks, weren't we?
38:05We knew Jerry was on our tail.
38:07So we legged it overland.
38:09We must of been going for two days and nights
38:13and finally we ended up here in this little village.
38:17Where the people, god bless em,
38:19took us in and hid us.
38:22Oh the Gestapo came looking for us
38:24but they never found us
38:25until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
38:28- You're kidding.
38:30- No.
38:31I don't want to upset you
38:33but Albert was a bit of a lad in those days, you know.
38:38He can sign, he can dance, he can play the piano,
38:42and the women liked him and he liked the women
38:46and during our stay here, how shall I put it?
38:51He kept himself busy.
38:55- I don't believe him.
38:57The garrote old git.
39:01Oh too sweet.
39:02(laughter)
39:04- It was every man for himself in those days.
39:06I mean, there was a war on.
39:08They were hard times
39:10and everybody just grabbed the little bit
39:11of pleasure they could.
39:13(laughter)
39:19(soft instrumental music)
39:32(laughter)
39:48(laughter)
39:53You see.
39:54Most of the men were either away fighting
39:57or locked up and when they got
39:59to hear about Albert's shenanigans,
40:00they weren't best pleased.
40:02Which was understandable under the circumstance.
40:05- So who grassed you up?
40:07- The French Resistance.
40:08(laughter)
40:10One day the SS just turned up
40:12and rounded us all up and would you believe it?
40:15Albert, with one or two others, escaped
40:17and made it back to Blighty.
40:22Excuse me,
40:23just going to the gents.
40:30(people chattering)
40:32- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
40:35- Think I am.
40:40(laughter)
40:42There's another one, look.
40:44(laughter)
40:48- Good god, it's like a geriatric village of the damned.
40:50(laughter)
40:54- I don't know about Saint Claire Ala Chapel.
40:57They should rename this place Trottersville.
41:00(laughter)
41:03-[Rodney] What do you think of all the other countries
41:04he's visited and what he must of got up to?
41:07I mean America, India.
41:09-[Del] I bet he didn't even leave Australia alone,
41:11did he?
41:12- Africa?
41:13Middle East.
41:14Do you remember that woman he mentioned?
41:16He's putting it about all over the place.
41:18- Raquel was wrong.
41:20It wasn't like Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
41:24It was more like Captain Birdeyes' Banjo.
41:26(laughter)
41:29(soft French music)
41:39- Merci becoup.
41:40Au revoir.
41:43- I really don't understand you.
41:44I mean we could of bought a bottle of duty free wine
41:46on the ferry.
41:48- Yeah I know but things in here are probably
41:50a euro or two cheaper, aren't they?
41:52And we got to save our money, haven't we?
41:55- Yes, I suppose.
42:00I don't believe it.
42:03- What's that, what's that, Rodney?
42:05- Look over there.
42:06It's only Denzil.
42:08- You're having me on, aren't you?
42:10You're right.
42:11Hey, how Denzil.
42:13- Hey Del, Rod, hi.
42:17Fancy meeting you here.
42:19- That's just what I was gonna say.
42:21What are you doing here?
42:22- Well I had a free day and Christmas is coming
42:25so I thought I'd pop over
42:26and get a couple of packs of cheap beer.
42:29What brings you here?
42:30- Oh we were just coming back from Uncle Albert's
42:33reunion and Rodney said, as we're passing a warehouse,
42:36why don't we whip in here and get a couple of cases of wine.
42:40Didn't you, Rodney?
42:41- Yeah.
42:44- Tell me, have you got your truck with you?
42:46- Well yes, it's out the back actually.
42:48Why do you ask?
42:49- No it's just that I was thinking
42:50that we haven't got much room in our little van
42:53and I thought, well if Denzil's got some space
42:56in his truck, we could take, just you know,
42:59a couple of extra cases, couldn't we, Rodney?
43:02- Yeah maybe.
43:04- Del Boy, Dave.
43:08- Oh look it's Trigger.
43:09Would you believe it?
43:11- Only if I'd been heavily sedated.
43:13(laughter)
43:14- Hello, Trig.
43:16What are you doing here?
43:17- You said meet us here at four o'clock.
43:19(laughter) (applause)
43:26- I don't believe you sometimes, Trigger.
43:30- This is a set up, isn't it?
43:31- No, no, no, no.
43:34It was just a little surprise,
43:36for you Rodders.
43:37- Oh right.
43:38Here we are surrounded by a million gallons
43:40of cheap booze, Denzil's got his truck outside
43:43and the Nags Head waiting for its cellar to be filled.
43:45- Oi, oi, oi.
43:47Keep your noise down will you?
43:50Alright, I admit it.
43:52It was my fault.
43:53I agreed to it.
43:56- Agreed to it with who?
43:58- Well with me.
44:01- Well you shouldn't have.
44:02I'm running the firm, now.
44:03- Rodney, everyones at it,
44:05it just that we're a bit slow on the uptake.
44:08- I don't believe this.
44:10- We need the money.
44:15- Okay but I wasn't looking, alright?
44:18- Alright, we'll say that you was in the toilet.
44:21Good boy, Rodney.
44:22You know it makes sense.
44:24- Paid for it, Del.
44:25They're loading it out back.
44:26- Hey, he's paid for it.
44:27Come on.
44:29(soft French music)
44:38- Is this it?
44:40- And that.
44:44- Oh my god.
44:47- Come on, Denzil.
44:49We better help out
44:50we haven't got long.
44:51- Hey?
44:52No it's alright, Trig.
44:53Got plenty of time, yet.
44:53- Yeah plenty of time.
44:54- Now wait a minute?
44:55Did any of us move our watches
44:56forward one hour to French time?
44:59- No.
45:00- No.
45:01- No!
45:02Oh my god, we've only got half an hour
45:04before the ferry leaves.
45:05You dipstick, Rodney!
45:07Hey.
45:09(shouts)
45:12come on, get out.
45:14(upbeat French music)
45:21(laughter)
45:23(horn hooks)
45:24(shouting)
45:37voila.
45:38(laughter)
45:41-[Raquel] So how was Albert's reunion?
45:43- Oh yeah, brilliant.
45:45Thousands of people were there, weren't they?
45:47- Oh yeah, there was thousands and thousands you know.
45:49(mumbles) like that and everything.
45:52Yeah I tried to phone you
45:53but I couldn't get through.
45:54- Oh I meant to tell you.
45:55We had a letter yesterday, they cut the phone off.
45:57Something to do with an unpaid bill.
45:58- Oh alright, I'll sort it out tomorrow.
46:00I'll tell em I couldn't call them
46:02cause they cut the phone off.
46:03(laughter)
46:05- Have you eaten?
46:06- Yeah on the ferry.
46:07I had a quick omelet salad.
46:08Del had a mutton madras and four Irish coffees.
46:11- Yeah, very nice it was too.
46:13Thank you.
46:14- It's brilliant over in France.
46:15You should of seen the size of this wine warehouse
46:17we went to.
46:18I said to Denzil, we should have this sort
46:19of thing back in Britain.
46:21- Denzil was with you?
46:23- Eh?
46:25- Yes, yes.
46:27Yes he was there.
46:28Well we just bumped into him.
46:30Like you know, it was a coincidence, funny eh?
46:33- Yeah amazing.
46:34- Yeah it was absolute.
46:35Look what I've got here.
46:37Look, there a bottle of Champagne to celebrate
46:41our safe return, alright?
46:44- I mean, all the arrangements we made with Sid.
46:47Del says to him, "Keep the pup cellar clear.
46:50We'll be back at eight"
46:52and what does he do?
46:54- What?
46:55- What do you mean what?
46:56You were there.
46:57He allowed the brewery to make a delivery.
47:00- The way that brewery carries on,
47:01anyone would think they owned the pub.
47:03(laughter)
47:10(laughter)
47:14- Trigger!
47:20Bloody hell.
47:23- So let me get this straight.
47:25You just happened to meet Denzil
47:27in a wine warehouse in France?
47:29And did Denzil have his lorry with him?
47:31- Don't know.
47:32- We didn't ask.
47:33- Only I imagine you could get an awful lot of beer
47:35in the back of that lorry.
47:36- And did Denzil follow you back?
47:38- No, no he stayed over there.
47:40- Yeah, yeah that's right.
47:41He's having a little holiday.
47:44- Yes he having...
47:45Oh, look what I've got in here.
47:47I just remembered.
47:48Look at that, I got you a French football shirt, son.
47:50- Oh brilliant.
47:51Dad, can I try it on?
47:52- Of course you can.
47:53Go on, there you go.
47:54- Here you go, Cass.
47:55Look, got you some special French perfume.
47:56- Thank you.
47:57- And look what I got you, sweetheart.
47:59There you are.
48:00- Oh Del.
48:03They're lovely.
48:04- Yeah well they say that diamonds
48:06are a girls best friend
48:07but a zircon can be good company.
48:10(laughter)
48:13(phone rings)
48:16- Hello?
48:19Del, it's Denzil.
48:21- Denzil, what's he doing phoning me
48:23all the way from France?
48:26- No, he's down at your garage.
48:29I know you've been up to.
48:30Why'd you lie to me?
48:31- Because darling, I didn't think the truth
48:33would do me any favors.
48:35We need the money, Raquel,
48:37and that is no lie.
48:39Let me speak to him.
48:41Bonjour, Denzil.
48:46(curses in French)
48:47(laugher)
48:51You sprechen ze lingo?
48:53sprechen the old Anglaise?
48:57- Give it up Del, he don't speak a word.
49:00- So what are we gonna do with him?
49:02- We just have to let him go, won't we?
49:05-[Rodney] We can't just let him go.
49:06A stranger on this estate.
49:08Can you imagine what the gangs
49:09will do to him?
49:10- Yeah, for all we know
49:11he could be part of Al Qaeda.
49:13(laughter)
49:14- Don't be stupid.
49:15- Yeah.
49:16I mean does he look like he works in a furniture store?
49:19(laughter)
49:23- No, no, no.
49:24What I meant--
49:25- Denzil, let's not even go there.
49:26- We'll just have to drop him off somewhere.
49:28- And what happens if he gets pulled by the old bill?
49:30- Oh he'll be alright.
49:32They'll take him to that new immigration center
49:33down at Croydon and look after him there,
49:35wouldn't they?
49:36- Yeah but he was hiding in my truck
49:37and that's a 2,000 pound fine for starters.
49:40- Yeah and some of these illegals
49:42cut a deal with the police
49:44by telling them who brought em in.
49:45How'd you think us two would fair
49:46under British justice eh?
49:49- Well we can't leave him in here all night, can we?
49:51Cause he, well he'd probably suffocate or something.
49:54- We'll have to take him back to the flat.
49:57- Oh yeah?
49:58What we gonna say to Raquel?
49:59We'll say excuse me, darling,
50:00we got a bloke here, don't know who he is,
50:01don't know where he comes from,
50:02make him double egg and chips will ya?
50:03(laugher)
50:04You are a blonker, Rodney.
50:06- Have you got a better idea?
50:08At least this way we can keep an eye on him
50:10and stop him going to the police.
50:12- Oh I don't believe this.
50:15Alright.
50:17Look you carry on unloading
50:18and we'll take him somewhere.
50:26(laughter)
50:28- So what we gonna say?
50:30I don't know.
50:31I do not know.
50:32We're just gonna have to play it by ear.
50:33All I know is we got to get
50:34him pubbed away somewhere.
50:36- Come on.
50:39(TV in background)
50:42(laughter)
50:46- Look who we bumped into.
50:50- Yeah, he was just walking past.
50:56(TV turns off)
50:57- Aren't you going to introduce us?
50:59(laughter)
51:01- Yes.
51:02Yes, sorry, yes of course.
51:03Of course,
51:04this this, is Raquel who is my significant other.
51:08This is Cassandra, who is Rodney's wife
51:12and this is Damian who is my son
51:14and this, and this, this,
51:17this is Rodney's friend.
51:20(laughter)
51:23- Yes, yes.
51:25This is my friend.
51:28- Does he have a name?
51:30- Don't be silly.
51:31Of course he has a name.
51:32- Well of course.
51:33- Of course he has a name.
51:35(laughter)
51:37- Well?
51:39- Is that not a name?
51:40His name, his name is Gary.
51:46- Yes, yes this is Gary.
51:50- Good old Gary.
51:54- Nice to meet you, Gary.
51:55- Hi, Gary.
51:57- He's.
51:58(laughter)
52:00He's a little, you know,
52:01he's a little bit shy.
52:02He probably wants to sit down.
52:04Rodney, help him sit down.
52:06Gary, sit down.
52:07Sit down, good boy.
52:08There he is.
52:09Oh he's sitting.
52:10Like that, there you go.
52:11- Where do you know him from?
52:13- Who, Gary?
52:14- Yeah.
52:17- Oh yeah.
52:18It was from Rodney's evening school.
52:20- Yes, from my evening school.
52:23- But I was at your evening school.
52:25That's where we met.
52:27I don't remember Gary.
52:28- No, this is another evening school.
52:30- When did you go there then?
52:33- One evening.
52:34(laughter)
52:36- Would you like something to drink, Gary?
52:42Gary?
52:46- Gary.
52:47(laughter)
52:50(laughing)
52:53- He said Gary.
52:54Gary.
52:55- It seems like he says it.
52:57Gary.
52:58Oh you kill me.
53:01- He can't speak any English, can he?
53:03- What?
53:04Of course.
53:05Speak English?
53:06Well he's like the talking clock
53:07once he starts, you can't stop him.
53:09- Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary?
53:15- Gary.
53:17(laughter)
53:19- Oh my god, he's an illegal immigrant.
53:22(shushes)
53:23- Raquel, don't say that too loud around this estate.
53:26It will cause a panic.
53:27- Oh yes, you've got an illegal.
53:29(laughter)
53:31- Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
53:32I really am sorry.
53:33This has nothing to do with us.
53:34They found him in the back of Denzil's lorry.
53:37- Look, we didn't have a clue he was there.
53:39He must of snuck in while
53:41we has having a coffee.
53:42- What are you planning to do with him?
53:44- I don't know.
53:45- Well he can't stay here.
53:46- Where's he gonna go?
53:47- What are you suggesting we do?
53:49Just sit him down to watch the football?
53:51- Well we can't just chuck him out on this estate, Raquel,
53:53he'll be crack addict by the second half.
53:55(laughter)
53:57- What I think we might have to do.
53:59(laughter)
54:01- No, no, no.
54:02No, no, no.
54:03It's alright, it's alright.
54:05- No, no, no.
54:06Look, no see it's, look,
54:07a lighter, see, lighter, right?
54:14- Gary.
54:15(laughter)
54:26- Two teaspoon fulls of curry paste.
54:31That's one, two.
54:36One for the pot.
54:38(laughs)
54:39yes.
54:41- I thought I could smell something.
54:42- Yeah I know.
54:43You can't wait for this, can you sweetheart?
54:45- I can.
54:47- Oh no you got to take your time.
54:49Take your time with this.
54:51- Yeah the longer the better.
54:53- I just got to find out what nationality Gary is
54:56and then hand him over to the organization
54:58that represents his people.
55:00- But he doesn't speak any English
55:02so how do you intend to find out where he comes from?
55:04- Well we...
55:06Yeah, good point.
55:10- Wheres Gary?
55:11- He's having a shower.
55:12- I've lent him some of Del's clothes, Raquel.
55:14I hope you don't mind.
55:15- Well you could give him some of Del's aftershave, too
55:16if you like,
55:18- Things are bad enough for him as it is.
55:19(laughter)
55:22- Del?
55:23Rodney's only gone and...
55:25- Look at that.
55:26You know what I'm gonna call this?
55:28I'm calling this Chicken Trotter.
55:30- That could be a very apt name for it.
55:33(laughter)
55:42- Oh alright, Gary.
55:44- Gary.
55:46- Yeah, well you can come and sit down, son.
55:52- Oh my god.
55:54He looks like a set of traffic lights.
55:57- Don't be so rude, Damian.
55:59- He probably comes from some war torn country somewhere.
56:03He's probably witnessed mass murder, torture.
56:06- Oh yeah, maybe he was one of the murderers and torturers.
56:11(laughter)
56:14- No I mean he don't look like a mass murderer, does he?
56:17- Dressed in Del's pajamas, Adolph Hitler
56:18wouldn't look like a mass murderer.
56:21- Oh my god.
56:22You could of color coordinated him a bit, Rodney.
56:24- Yeah well fashion design never was
56:26my strong point, Raquel.
56:28- Alright, here we go.
56:30Right.
56:31Very nice.
56:33Very very tasteful, Gary.
56:35- Gary.
56:37- That's a good boy.
56:38Get your laughing gear around that, will ya?
56:40- Why'd you make him a curry?
56:42- I just wanted to make him feel at home, didn't I?
56:45- Del, I don't think he's Asian.
56:46He's more Arabic.
56:48- Alright, let's pop down to the perfect pizza
56:50and pick up a deep pan pepperoni and sheep's head.
56:53(laughter)
56:55It's only a ruby.
56:57It doesn't matter if you're an Asian, an Arab,
56:59or an Eskimo, everyone loves a ruby.
57:03- Oh.
57:04(laughter)
57:07- Glass of water.
57:09- Gary.
57:10- Yeah good boy, good boy.
57:11- Gary. - Get him a glass of water.
57:13Rodney, here take that.
57:14He can finish that out there.
57:16- Gary!
57:17Gary.
57:20- I think maybe the vindaloo might of been
57:22a bit hot for the boy.
57:24(doorbell rings)
57:25- It's the police.
57:26I know it's the police.
57:27- Oh this is just great.
57:27I'm gonna give birth in Holloway.
57:31(shushes)
57:32- I don't know, just.
57:36Hello, who is it?
57:37-[Boycie] Del Boy, it's Boycie.
57:40- It's alright, it's only Boycie.
57:45Well this is an unpleasant surprise.
57:47(laughter)
57:50- Rodney.
57:51- Boycie.
57:52- Good evening, Raquel.
57:54May I say you are looking particularly lovely tonight
57:57and you too Cassandra.
58:00You have that maternal glow
58:01that only comes from being in the family way.
58:05Hello little man.
58:08- Do not touch me, batty boy.
58:14- He's a character isn't he?
58:17- What do you want, Boycie?
58:18- Oh a large cognac would be lovely,
58:19thank you Raquel.
58:20- You'll be lucky, Boycie.
58:22Here you are Rodney, cheers.
58:25Now Boycie, if you think I'm driving for you tonight,
58:26you got another thing coming pal.
58:28- Oh it's not that, Del.
58:30I've got a bit of a problem.
58:33My, I'm being chucked out of my house.
58:36(laughing)
58:37- Good for Marlene.
58:38- She's finally thrown you out.
58:40- No Marlene didn't.
58:41The police did.
58:43The house is full of gas.
58:44Those bloody log effect fires Lenny Colby fit in
58:48are leaking all over the place.
58:50(laughter)
58:51On top of all that,
58:52the gas board can't turn it off at the mains
58:54cause Lenny snapped the handle off.
58:57They've evacuated the entire road.
59:00While Marlene's gone off to her mums with Tyler
59:02and I was going to check into a hotel
59:06but I left everything in the house,
59:08wallet, credit cards, car keys, the lot.
59:11Fire brigade won't let me back in
59:12cause it's too dangerous.
59:14So all I've got is what I'm wearing.
59:19- Well that is bad news, innit Boycie.
59:21So what you doing here?
59:22- Well I was in trouble Del
59:24so I thought id go and seek the help
59:25of my best friend.
59:27- But you decided to call in here first?
59:28(laughter)
59:31- Derek is my best friend, he always has been.
59:33- Yeah well, on your bike Boycie.
59:35- I just need a bed for the night, Del.
59:38I'm throwing myself on your mercy.
59:41- Why can't you stay at Marlene's moms
59:42with your wife and child?
59:44- Cause the batty old mare won't let me in her house.
59:46(laughter)
59:47We had a row at our wedding.
59:49She cast out upon my personal hygiene.
59:53Apparently, there was this horrible smell
59:55of onion and she blamed me.
59:57(laughter)
60:01- Couldn't you stay with Trigger?
60:02- Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat?
60:04It's like having a seance with Mr. Bean.
60:06(laughter)
60:09- Well Denzil's got room at his place.
60:10- Yeah but he's not there.
60:11Nobody knows when he's gonna be back.
60:14Why do I get the feeling you don't want me here?
60:16- No it's not that, Boycie.
60:18- It is.
60:19- No look, it's just that we're overcrowded.
60:22Raquel and I got our bedroom,
60:24Cassandra and Rodney get their bedroom.
60:26Damien's got his bedroom.
60:27- Yeah well the sofa will do.
60:29- Well, Gary's sleeping on that.
60:31- Gary?
60:33- Gary.
60:35- Good god.
60:36- This is Gary, it's Rodney's friend.
60:38- What happened here?
60:39Did he get ready for bed in a power cart?
60:41(laughter)
60:43(laughing)
60:47They're your pajamas and dressing aren't they?
60:50- You got it in one.
60:51- Yeah I should of realized it.
60:52Who else could combine lime green
60:54and fire engine red and make it work?
60:58- Well I've always had an eye for color,
60:59you know me.
61:01- Derek, could I have a word please?
61:03- Of course you can, sweetheart.
61:05Of course.
61:09(laughter)
61:17(laughter)
61:20- Before you say anything, Boycie is not staying here.
61:22We've already got Gary
61:24or whatever his name is, but at least
61:25he doesn't speak.
61:26Now, if you want to play Lawrence of Peckham,
61:28well it's up to you
61:30but Boycie is not staying here.
61:32- Look darling, sweetheart, I feel,
61:35well I fell just a little bit guilty, you see.
61:38I was the one that made Boycie's head
61:39smell like a shepherds pie.
61:41- Good.
61:43- No it's not good because he wouldn't
61:44of had a row with his in laws then would he
61:46and then he would of been staying there.
61:48Not only that, there's these log effect gas fires.
61:53- Oh no.
61:54You sold them?
61:55- No, no it wasn't me.
61:57It was Rodney.
61:58Rodney, I told him.
62:00I said to him don't sell these gas fires
62:02because they're dangerous
62:03but he wouldn't listen to me
62:04because you know what he's like, don't ya?
62:06So I feel just a little bit guilty.
62:09Its only for one night, sweetheart.
62:11- Alright one night but if they're not gone
62:14by tomorrow evening then I will be.
62:16- No they will be history, sweet.
62:18Oh thank you very much darling.
62:19You are a diamond.
62:22- No, it's just a little blister.
62:25- Alright Boycie we've decided.
62:26You can stay.
62:28You can stay on the camp bed.
62:30We got one in the cupboard.
62:31- Oh that's perfect, Derek.
62:33Well that's exciting for you, Damian.
62:34You're going to be spending the night in a camp bed.
62:37- No he is not.
62:38- Well he's only a little boy.
62:39You always get rid of the kids
62:41to make room for the adults.
62:42- Yes but in your case we're making an exception.
62:45So either the camp bed or nothing.
62:47- Alright the camp bed it will have to be.
62:50Now then here we are, coat.
62:54Now I promise you that you will hardly know
62:56that I'm here.
63:01Did you make that drink for me, Raquel?
63:03(laughter)
63:04I'll tell you what, I am starving.
63:07(laughter)
63:12- Fancy a plate of curry?
63:14- Lovely.
63:15- Lovely.
63:17(laughter)
63:21(groaning)
63:30- You still awake, Gary?
63:33- Gary.
63:34(laughter)
63:37- That currys doing a congo in my colon.
63:40(laughter)
63:44I only had one mouthful.
63:48You still hungry, Gary?
63:50- Gary.
63:52- I'll make us a sandwich.
64:11Do sell by dates mean nothing to the Trotters?
64:15I've seen younger items at the antiques roadshow.
64:18(laughter)
64:20It will have to be cheese, Gary.
64:23-[Gary] Gary.
64:33- Oh do you want piccalilli?
64:35(shrieks)
64:38What's the matter you cold son?
64:39(dramatic music) Well get back bed.
64:40Warm yourself up.
64:41Go on, go on.
64:42That's alright, get in the sofa there.
64:43That's alright, get back in there.
64:44Get really nice and warm, that's right.
64:47Blimey, you are cold, aint ya?
64:54- Well I tell you what.
64:55Get the suitcase out of the table.
64:57You set it up and I'll do the spieling right?
64:59- Excuse me?
65:00Hello, I'm in charge now.
65:02- Oh right.
65:03What do you want to do?
65:05- Well I'll get the suitcase out, you can do the spieling.
65:08- That's a good idea.
65:19Hello, sweetheart.
65:21How are you?
65:22- One night you said.
65:24- Yeah I know.
65:25- Four bloody nights, Derek.
65:26Four nights I've had them sleeping in the living room.
65:29- Yeah alright, alright I'll have words.
65:31Don't worry.
65:32- And Boycie keeps putting that rotten hair gel on
65:34and then having the audacity to complain about the smell.
65:38- But I can't say anything to him can I?
65:40Otherwise he'll know that it was me what done it.
65:45- Oh there you are.
65:46I have good news.
65:47The gas board has just given us the all clear
65:49to move back into the house.
65:51Thank you for being there when I needed you.
65:54- That's alright, Boycie,
65:55you'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
65:58- I suppose so.
65:59(laughter)
66:01Oh by the way, I'd get that smell sorted out
66:02if I were you.
66:04You know what, I reckon someones dumped
66:06a kebab in your hot air duct.
66:08(laughter)
66:09Oh and you know that contract I was telling you about?
66:11- Oh yeah.
66:12- We'll I've got to go and sign it next Wednesday in Paris.
66:15- Oh go on.
66:16- And I want you to drive me there.
66:17Make the right impression.
66:19So go and hire us a nice vehicle.
66:22- Hire a nice vehicle when you got a showroom
66:25full of cars?
66:27- Yes but I want one that's gonna get us there.
66:28(laughter)
66:30It's only money after all.
66:32You don't mind if I take your staff away, do you?
66:35- No, not at all.
66:36In fact, I think I'll come with you for the ride.
66:39- Yes, it will be good experience for you.
66:41Witnessing a man becoming a millionaire.
66:43Might rekindle a few memories.
66:44(laughs)
66:47- You are one fresh git aint ya?
66:51Hey I've had an idea.
66:53Why don't we take Gary with us?
66:54We can drop him off on the continent.
66:56- Don't be stupid, Rodney.
66:57If we get caught,
66:59we'll be the only people in history
67:00to get fined for trying to smuggle
67:02someone out of the country.
67:03(laughter)
67:05- You'll have to find him first.
67:06I saw him about an hour ago hitchhiking
67:08around the Elephant and Castle.
67:10- He's gone?
67:11- Damian and his mates took him
67:12to play football this morning.
67:14The last time I saw him,
67:15he was in a Volkswagen camper van surrounded
67:17by a bunch of Australian backpackers.
67:19(laughter)
67:21- Oh well we did our best for him, didn't we?
67:24- Yeah.
67:25I suppose he'll see a bit of the word now,
67:26won't he?
67:28(sniffing)
67:31- Can you smell onions?
67:36- Yeah.
67:37(laughter)
67:42(laughs)
67:43- There you are darling.
67:44I told you I'd get it sorted.
67:45- Yeah, well done, Del.
67:46I'll see you back home.
67:48Our nice uncrowded home.
67:50- Okay.
67:52- Coming in boss.
67:53Let's get selling.
67:54(upbeat guitar music)
68:04(laughter)
68:06- It's a van.
68:07- Yeah that's all they had.
68:08- Yeah they were right out of saloons.
68:09- Yeah.
68:10Get inside, it's nice and comfy.
68:12- I don't believe this is happening to me.
68:14This is the most important meeting in my life
68:15and I'm going in a van.
68:18(laughter)
68:19- Oh shut up.
68:20Get in, stop moaning.
68:23(upbeat music)
68:27-[Boycie] Let's understand one thing, Derek,
68:28we are not stopping at any warehouses
68:29to load up with beer.
68:32-[Del] Nothing was further from my thought.
68:35- Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son,
68:38Rahseed Mahmoon.
68:41Mr. Mahmoon was kidnapped over a week ago
68:43whilst working at his fathers wine warehouse
68:45in Sherbet.
68:46(laughter)
68:48- I was loading in the back of a truck
68:49when the kidnappers trapped me.
68:51(laughter)
68:55I was taken to an apartment.
68:56I have no idea where it was.
68:58I was held there for four days and nights
69:02by two men and two women.
69:05I don't know what language they spoke.
69:07(speaks foreign language)
69:09Sometimes I detected the occasional word of English.
69:12(laughter)
69:13They brought a big man in to guard me at night.
69:15He carried a large knife
69:17and his hair smelled of...
69:20(speaks foreign language)
69:22Onions.
69:23(laughter)
69:24- Interpol has launched the Europe wide search
69:26for the criminals behind the kidnap.
69:28The only information they have so far
69:30is that the organization which they are calling
69:32the Gary gang, may have south London connections.
69:36(laughter)
69:38(upbeat French music)
69:40(speaking French)
69:50(laughter)
69:57- Gentlemen.
70:03(speaking foreign language)
70:08Mr. Boycie, this is Mr. Mahmoon.
70:11- Delighted.
70:13- Please, please sit down.
70:22(laughter)
70:25(speaking foreign language)
70:28- Mr. Chairman says he has always admired the British.
70:33(speaking foreign language)
70:40His grandmother met an English sailor during the war.
70:43(laughter)
70:56(speaking foreign language)
70:59You are happy with the contract, Mr. Boycie?
71:01- Oh oui, extremely.
71:05- Then we will sign.
71:09Mr. Boycie, this is Mr. Mahmoon's son, Rashid.
71:14(laughter)
71:18- Gary!
71:19(laughter)
71:20- Gary.
71:22(shouting in foreign language)
71:25(dramatic music) (laughter)
71:39(clears throat)
71:42- Got a pen?
71:44(upbeat French music)
71:50-[Boycie] I came here to sign a contract
71:51that would of made me a millionaire
71:53but thanks to you two,
71:54I end up get arrested for kidnap.
71:56-[Del] Don't worry.
71:58The ambassadors on his way.
72:00-[Boycie] And what the bloody hell
72:01do you think the ambassadors gonna do?
72:02-[Del] I don't know.
72:03He might bring us a tray of Ferrero Rocher.
72:06-[Rodney] It's ridiculous.
72:07Kidnappers, us?
72:08-[Del] Boycie, I was wondering.
72:10On the way back, do you mind if we stop
72:13off at the wine warehouse?
72:15-[Boycie] Don't you think we're in enough
72:17sodding trouble as it is?
72:19-[Rodney] Are you gonna pay Del overtime for this?
72:21-[Boycie] No I am not!
72:24Can you smell onions?
72:26-[Both] Shut up.
72:28(upbeat instrumental music)
72:33♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
72:35♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
72:36♫ TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs
72:39♫ Ball games, gold chains, whatsnames
72:41♫ And (mumbles)
72:42♫ Trevor Francis track suits
72:44♫ From a mush in Shepard's Bush
72:45♫ Bush bush bush
72:47♫ Bush bush bush
72:48♫ No income tax
72:50♫ No V.A.T.
72:51♫ No money back
72:53♫ No guarantee
72:54♫ Black or white
72:56♫ Rich or poor
72:57♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
73:03♫ God bless Hooky Street
73:05♫ Viva Hooky Street
73:08♫ Long live Hooky Street
73:11♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street.
73:14♫ magnifique Hooky Street
73:19♫ Hooky Street
73:22♫ Hooky Street
73:25♫ Hooky Street
73:28♫ Hooky Street
73:30(upbeat piano music)