lovelyjubbly · episodes

Only Fools and Horses S00E20 — Sleepless in Peckham

Every line from “Sleepless in Peckham” (1693 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:11♫ 'Cause if you want the best ones
• 00:13♫ but you don't ask questions
• 00:14♫ Then, brother, I'm your man
• 00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
• 00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
• 00:24♫ and the tides of the sea
• 00:26♫ But here's the one what's driving me berserk
• 00:30♫ Why do only fools and horses work?
• 00:33♫ La la la, la la la la la
• 00:37♫ La la la, la la la la la
• 00:40♫ La la la, la la la la la
• 00:51- You'd better get ready for school, Damien.
• 00:55- I am ready.
• 00:56(studio audience laughing)
• 00:58- Oh, right.
• 00:59- All right, Dad? - Morning.
• 01:01- Ooh.
• 01:02- Was that a contraction?
• 01:03- No, indigestion.
• 01:06It was that bacon burger I had for breakfast.
• 01:08(studio audience laughing)
• 01:09You never used to eat bacon or burgers.
• 01:12- I'm craving bacon now.
• 01:13Bacon and Rolos, together.
• 01:16(studio audience laughing)
• 01:17- When I was having Damien,
• 01:18I had a craving for tuna.
• 01:21I used to have tuna
• 01:22for breakfast, lunch and dinner, didn't I?
• 01:23- Yeah, it was horrible.
• 01:24Saying goodnight to her was like kissing Japan.
• 01:27(studio audience laughing)
• 01:28- Shut up!
• 01:29- If I'm like this with indigestion,
• 01:32how am I gonna be when I go into labor?
• 01:33It effects women differently,
• 01:34some just sail through.
• 01:36- Yeah that's right.
• 01:37I remember when mom was giving birth to Rodney,
• 01:40she said it was the worst experience of her life.
• 01:44- Just because your mom had a bad time
• 01:45doesn't mean Cassandra will.
• 01:48- No, no, I see what you mean.
• 01:50No, I mean really, Cassandra,
• 01:52you should have a nice easy birth, shouldn't ya?
• 01:55- Why?
• 01:56- Well, look at you.
• 01:57You and Rodney are both very skin,
• 01:59slim, aren't you?
• 02:01So the chances of you having a very skinny,
• 02:04slimmy baby are very high.
• 02:07You won't have to push so hard, will you?
• 02:09Because your little sprog will come shooting out like that.
• 02:13- Del, please!
• 02:14- Sometimes you overstep the mark.
• 02:17- No, I'm sorry.
• 02:19Cassandra won't need a midwife
• 02:21in the delivery room.
• 02:22What she will need is a goalkeeper.
• 02:24"Here it comes!"
• 02:25(studio audience laughing)
• 02:27- Come on you.
• 02:28You'll be late.
• 02:29- There he is, all ready for school, son?
• 02:31Got your sunglasses, Walkman, your mobile phone?
• 02:35- Yeah, yeah, don't fuzz me, man.
• 02:36-[Raquel] Go on, off you go.
• 02:39- I think I'll have a lie-down.
• 02:40- Oh, alright, come on.
• 02:42Up we get.
• 02:48- I don't know if Cassandra will still feel up to it,
• 02:51but she was planning to spend the day
• 02:52at her parents' house.
• 02:53She hadn't seen her mom for a while.
• 02:55I thought I might go with her.
• 02:56- Yeah, that's alright, darling.
• 02:57You go off and enjoy yourself.
• 02:59We'll meet you down the pub later.
• 03:00I'll get a bacon sandwich
• 03:01and a packet of Werther's Original
• 03:02on the side for Cassandra.
• 03:05- Do you think she's all right?
• 03:07- Yeah, she's fine.
• 03:08- Yeah, of course she'll be alright.
• 03:09I mean, she's had buckets of pork and toffee.
• 03:11She's bound to feel a bit gippy.
• 03:13Ain't she?
• 03:14- Yeah, I suppose you're right.
• 03:15- Well we'd better do something.
• 03:17I thought we could go down Ronnie Nelson's warehouse--
• 03:19- No, no no, not today, Rodney, no.
• 03:23- Del, Rodney is the managing director now.
• 03:25- Yes.
• 03:26I'm in charge.
• 03:27- Yes, I know.
• 03:28- But today I'm going down to cemetery
• 03:29to put some flowers on mom's grave.
• 03:31- I'll come with you.
• 03:32- No.
• 03:34Look, I want you to stay here and look after Cassandra.
• 03:36- Yeah, I suppose so.
• 03:38If she feels better a bit later on,
• 03:39I'll go down Ronnie's place on me own.
• 03:41- No.
• 03:42Look, if she bucks up,
• 03:43I want you to take her and Raquel over to her mom's
• 03:47and I want you to stay with them in case of car-jacking.
• 03:50- On your Capri Ghia?
• 03:53Yeah, right.
• 03:54Oi!
• 03:55- What?
• 03:57What's the matter with him?
• 03:58- Why will you never let him do things on his own?
• 04:01- I can't let Rodney go out on business
• 04:04in his hands, can I?
• 04:05He'd come back with a bag of magic beans.
• 04:07- Oh yeah, and you're so successful, aren't you?
• 04:10- Oh come on, don't start.
• 04:11- This situation.
• 04:12- What situation?
• 04:13- You being made bankrupt,
• 04:15owing the Inland Revenue 53,000 pounds
• 04:17and the Official Receiver threatening to evict us
• 04:19and put the flat up for auction.
• 04:21- Oh that.
• 04:22- Yes, that.
• 04:23And what about all those letters
• 04:24from that firm of solicitors.
• 04:25Have you phoned them to find out what it's about?
• 04:27- No, I haven't I've been rather busy.
• 04:29- Have you told Rodney about it?
• 04:30- No.
• 04:31He's got enough to worry about.
• 04:33I'll tell him when the moment's right.
• 04:35Okay, can I borrow these?
• 04:36Thank you.
• 04:42- Have you told Raquel yet?
• 04:44- Told her what?
• 04:45- That the official receiver
• 04:46is auctioning this flat in a month's time?
• 04:49- No, look she's got enough to worry about.
• 04:51I'll tell her when the moment's right.
• 04:53- Del.
• 04:54- No.
• 04:55See you, Rodney.
• 05:03Are you all right, Mom?
• 05:06I've come to give you a bit of a scrub-up.
• 05:08(studio audience laughing)
• 05:14How do you like your new obelisk?
• 05:17(studio audience laughing)
• 05:19The other one, your old one, was okay, but
• 05:23it wasn't quite you,
• 05:26so when me and Rodders became millionaires,
• 05:28we got you this new one.
• 05:30Best one in the yard, this.
• 05:31This is the Ferrari of shrines.
• 05:37Anyway.
• 05:39Cassandra.
• 05:41She'll be giving birth soon.
• 05:44Another grandchild in the family.
• 05:47I said to them, I said, if it's a girl,
• 05:50would they name her after you?
• 05:52Joan.
• 05:55Anyway, I'm sorry, mom,
• 05:57I haven't been down for a long time,
• 05:59but I've had one or two problems to sort out.
• 06:02What with the bankruptcy and all of that.
• 06:08Then I received this letter
• 06:09from the Official Receiver,
• 06:11says they want to auction the old flat.
• 06:16The lads have been good.
• 06:18They've all been trying to think of ways
• 06:19for me to make money.
• 06:23- You gotta invent something.
• 06:25- Invent something?
• 06:26- All inventors are rich.
• 06:28What's the name of that bloke
• 06:29who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
• 06:32(studio audience laughing)
• 06:36- Dyson.
• 06:39- Millionaire.
• 06:40What about that bloke who invented the biro?
• 06:43- Bic?
• 06:45- Millionaire.
• 06:46- I don't know, Trig.
• 06:47I've thought of that,
• 06:48but everything's been invented.
• 06:50- Not everything.
• 06:53Picture this.
• 06:55You're on a crowded bus,
• 06:56you get an itch in your back.
• 06:58No matter how hard you try,
• 07:00you just can't reach it.
• 07:01So, what do you do?
• 07:03Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it for you.
• 07:06- Yeah.
• 07:08- No, you can't do that, Dave.
• 07:10- No, Trig, I was just having a laugh.
• 07:13- I tried that once
• 07:14and it caused nothing but trouble.
• 07:19Now.
• 07:21What's this?
• 07:23- Chopstick.
• 07:25- Correct.
• 07:26With this you can reach down and hit the spot.
• 07:32That's very good, Trig.
• 07:34It's good, not quite
• 07:35up to Bill Gates' standard, but it is brilliant.
• 07:39- I don't want to disappoint you, trig,
• 07:41and I know the Chinese
• 07:42have always been a very inventive race,
• 07:43but we created something years ago
• 07:45that rather beat them to the punch,
• 07:48we called it a backscratcher.
• 07:50- Yeah, but they're big long things, Dave.
• 07:52You can't carry one in your pocket.
• 07:54It will stick out.
• 07:55People will look.
• 07:56- Yes, I know Trig,
• 07:57but you've got to have something long
• 07:59haven't ya?
• 08:00To get it right down where the itch is.
• 08:03That thing's too short.
• 08:05- So what's the answer?
• 08:08- Another drink?
• 08:09(studio audience laughing)
• 08:11No.
• 08:16- Two chopsticks.
• 08:18- I'm gonna fit a little hinge on the end
• 08:23so you can open it out,
• 08:26scratch away, fold it down again.
• 08:30And put it back in your pocket.
• 08:34And you can use it for pointing at things.
• 08:37(studio audience laughing)
• 08:40- That's brilliant, innit?
• 08:42No more fingers.
• 08:44- This is just a specimen.
• 08:46I'm going back to my flat to work on it.
• 08:48When I take the patent out, Del,
• 08:50I'm gonna put it in your name.
• 08:52- Thanks, Trig.
• 08:54See you on "Tomorrow's World".
• 08:56(studio audience laughing)
• 09:00Well, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
• 09:04Seems like nothing's gonna change my bad luck.
• 09:08Raquel says we ought to try feng shui.
• 09:11I said to her, I said,
• 09:12"What good is eating raw fish gonna do?"
• 09:17And if all that weren't bad enough,
• 09:18I'm getting all these letters
• 09:20from my solicitor demanding a meeting.
• 09:24All I know is, if I don't get over 50 grand
• 09:27in four weeks' time,
• 09:28I'll be kipping on that bench over there.
• 09:33At least I'll be keeping you company.
• 09:34Won't I, mom?
• 09:36If there's anything that you can do,
• 09:39you know, while you're up there,
• 09:41like a word in the right ear,
• 09:45I'd be ever so grateful.
• 09:49Anyway, I'd better buzz off.
• 09:53See you soon, Mom.
• 09:57Bonjour.
• 09:58(studio audience laughing)
• 10:08(studio audience laughing)
• 10:10- What you doing?
• 10:12- Actually, I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.
• 10:16- Oh.
• 10:17Where is everyone?
• 10:18- Your dad's at the cemetery.
• 10:20Cassandra's going around to her parents' place
• 10:21for the afternoon with your mom.
• 10:26- Is it a silent film?
• 10:27- No, it's not a silent film.
• 10:30- Actually, you might be able to help me with this.
• 10:33- What do you want me to do?
• 10:34- Bugger off and leave me alone.
• 10:36(studio audience laughing)
• 10:41- All right, Dad?
• 10:42- Yeah, all right.
• 10:43All right, son.
• 10:45Postman's given me another letter
• 10:47from the Official Receiver.
• 10:49- I suppose it's about this flat.
• 10:50- It certainly ain't a Christmas card, is it?
• 10:53- Been busy, have you?
• 10:55- Yes.
• 10:58- What's wrong, Dad?
• 10:59You look a bit worried.
• 11:00- That's probably because I am worried, son.
• 11:04Oh, dear, I don't know.
• 11:07I haven't slept for ages.
• 11:09I feel so stressed out,
• 11:10that Yehudi Menuhin could play a symphony on me!
• 11:15- I'm gonna go and play football.
• 11:17- Yeah, all right.
• 11:18Don't forget what I said about dirty tackling.
• 11:21- Yeah, be first.
• 11:22- Good boy.
• 11:42(studio audience laughing)
• 11:51How's that creative writing course
• 11:53of yours coming on, Rodney?
• 11:55- Fine.
• 11:56- Good.
• 11:57'Cause I get worried about you, you know.
• 11:59Even though I've got bankruptcy
• 12:01looming over me,
• 12:02and my eminent eviction of course,
• 12:05but I lie awake at night worrying.
• 12:08I keep on thinking, I say to myself,
• 12:10"Is Rodney getting his commas in the right place?"
• 12:15- Alright, what's up with you?
• 12:17- What do you mean, what's up with me?
• 12:18I'll tell you what's up with me.
• 12:19Here I am, halfway down the gurgler
• 12:20with only my head above the waterline,
• 12:23and you're poncing around on your wife's laptop,
• 12:26wasting money on some mail order course.
• 12:28- I'm not pouncing around.
• 12:29And I'm not wasting money.
• 12:31I'm investing in our future.
• 12:33- What future?
• 12:35We've got all the prospects of a Toilet Duck!
• 12:38- And I'm trying to get us out of this situation
• 12:40by earning some serious money.
• 12:43Have you got any idea
• 12:44how much there is to be earned
• 12:45out of writing a book or a film?
• 12:47I don't suppose you've ever
• 12:48heard of the writer JK Rowling.
• 12:51- As a matter of fact, yes I have.
• 12:53He happens to be one of my most favorites.
• 12:56(studio audience laughing)
• 12:58- Yeah, right.
• 13:00JK Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books, right?
• 13:03And has earned over 70 million pounds.
• 13:06- 70 million?
• 13:08That'll do us, wouldn't it?
• 13:10- It could get us over the worst.
• 13:12- Yeah right, go on, then.
• 13:14- What?
• 13:15- Write one.
• 13:17- I can't write a Harry Potter book.
• 13:18It's copyrighted.
• 13:20- Oh no, don't worry about that.
• 13:21Just change a bit.
• 13:22No one will notice.
• 13:24Call it Harry Trotter.
• 13:25(studio audience laughing)
• 13:27- No.
• 13:29- Will you shut up, you tart?
• 13:32All you need is a couple of wizards
• 13:34and some little git with John Lennon glasses,
• 13:38and then we're off.
• 13:39We're at the races.
• 13:41- I can't write all that magic stuff.
• 13:43I'm more drawn to the stars of
• 13:45Michael Crichton and Thomas Harris.
• 13:46He wrote Silence Of The Lambs.
• 13:48- Oh, yeah?
• 13:49Hannibal the Cannonball?
• 13:51(studio audience laughing)
• 13:52- No, it's can.
• 13:54Yeah.
• 13:55Well, he's earned over $100 million.
• 13:58- 100 million?
• 14:00I know it's all big talk, you know, 70 million here,
• 14:03100 million there.
• 14:04- I know Rodney, you're entitled to talk big
• 14:07once you've been a millionaire like what we have.
• 14:12You know what this is, don't you, Rodney?
• 14:16Every time we get into trouble
• 14:18and I go down and have a little talk to mom,
• 14:20something turns up to save us.
• 14:24This is it.
• 14:26This is a sign.
• 14:28This is mom's doing.
• 14:30(studio audience laughing)
• 14:31Come on, Rodney.
• 14:33We're gonna come up with a film idea.
• 14:36Yeah.
• 14:37(studio audience laughing)
• 14:41- So I rang Mike in prison
• 14:44and we decided to turn this into a theme pub.
• 14:46- Good.
• 14:47- We decided on 1930s, pre-war London theme.
• 14:51- It's turned out well, isn't it?
• 14:53(studio audience laughing)
• 14:55- I ain't started yet.
• 14:57It's still at the consultation stage.
• 14:59- Let us know when it's finished.
• 15:02Raquel.
• 15:02Cassandra.
• 15:03What are you drinking?
• 15:04- Vodka and tonic, please, Trig.
• 15:06- Just an orange juice for me, please.
• 15:08Del and Rodney not here?
• 15:09- I ain't seen 'em all day, love.
• 15:12- Tell Del the prototype has hit a snag.
• 15:15- Right.
• 15:16- Me paraffin heater melted the chopsticks.
• 15:19(studio audience laughing)
• 15:20- Okay.
• 15:21- I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
• 15:24He'll understand.
• 15:25(studio audience laughing)
• 15:28- Right, what are they doing?
• 15:30-[Rodney] Who?
• 15:31- These people, you said, that landed
• 15:33on an uninhabited desert island
• 15:35in the middle of the Specific.
• 15:38- Right.
• 15:39They're scientists.
• 15:40Right. - Right.
• 15:41They've been sent there
• 15:42because of strange goings-on.
• 15:44- Like people getting killed?
• 15:45- Yeah.
• 15:46Disappearing strangely.
• 15:48- Right.
• 15:49This idea's getting betterer and betterer.
• 15:52- So then they get a jumbo jet,
• 15:54right, which is being flown by.
• 15:57I'm thinking Mel Gibson.
• 15:59- Mel Gibson?
• 16:00Yeah!
• 16:02He ain't got all that paint over his face,
• 16:04though has he?
• 16:05- No, no.
• 16:06- He's the leading scientist.
• 16:08- Right, okay.
• 16:11What's he doing flying the plane, then?
• 16:13- I dunno.
• 16:15We could say that in the past
• 16:18right, he was a pilot for.
• 16:21- Monarch.
• 16:22(studio audience laughing)
• 16:24- No.
• 16:25Something exciting.
• 16:27NASA.
• 16:28- NASA!
• 16:29Yes, sir, NASA.
• 16:30So Mel and his assistant.
• 16:33Right, 'cause I was thinking Julia Roberts.
• 16:36- Julia Roberts.
• 16:38Now you're talking like a mogul.
• 16:41So whilst they're out there doing
• 16:42all their scientific research and all that stuff,
• 16:46something in the jungle is watching them.
• 16:50- The monster.
• 16:52- Except it's not really a monster.
• 16:53- No? - No.
• 16:54'Cause what they don't know is, right,
• 16:56on this island
• 16:58are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.
• 17:01- Cor blimey.
• 17:02Well, you need that, don't ya?
• 17:03(studio audience laughing)
• 17:05Old Mel there, he's got his work cut out.
• 17:07Innit he?
• 17:08Doing all his research and trying to sort Julia out.
• 17:11(studio audience laughing)
• 17:13- So in the jungle right, there's all these cavemen.
• 17:16- Yeah, and women.
• 17:17And you know, the women.
• 17:19You know what I mean?
• 17:20'Cause serious film goers, they like a bit of that.
• 17:25I was thinking about.
• 17:27Liz Hurley and Jordan.
• 17:31- We'll talk about it.
• 17:32- And I bet these cavemen,
• 17:33they're killer cavemen, aren't they?
• 17:34- Yes!
• 17:35- Yes, yes.
• 17:36I can see, this is gonna be a blockbuster.
• 17:38It's called The Island Of Death.
• 17:43- We'll talk about that as well.
• 17:44(studio audience laughing)
• 17:46- Did you get the baby blues after Damien was born?
• 17:50- I had my moments, but not too bad.
• 17:52- I didn't get depressed after I had Tyler.
• 17:55Then again I was private.
• 17:56The doctors and the drugs
• 17:57are better than on the NHS.
• 18:00I didn't get post-natal depression at all, did I?
• 18:03- How would I know?
• 18:03You've been screaming and crying all your life.
• 18:07- Correction, only since I married you.
• 18:11It's our anniversary soon.
• 18:1334 years.
• 18:15God, they dig up fossils younger than that.
• 18:18(studio audience laughing)
• 18:20- Put a bit of make-up on 'em
• 18:21and I might fancy them more than you.
• 18:23(studio audience laughing)
• 18:26Mind you, she has her uses.
• 18:28If ever I have to draw a straight line
• 18:30and can't find a ruler, I just use her chest.
• 18:36- That is one horrible git.
• 18:41But he has got his nice side.
• 18:43Last month he took out a massive life insurance on me.
• 18:47- Really?
• 18:48Shows he cares.
• 18:50- Come on, Marlene.
• 18:51Let's go home and ignore each other for the evening.
• 18:58- Right, okay then.
• 19:00Where are they now?
• 19:01At the end of the runway.
• 19:02- Yeah.
• 19:03And they're just getting ready to take off
• 19:06when suddenly a big bird
• 19:09gets sucked into one of the engines.
• 19:11- Yes.
• 19:13I can see that, Rodney.
• 19:14That is drama.
• 19:15- Yeah.
• 19:16- I feel an Oscar coming on here.
• 19:20Who do you see playing the big bird?
• 19:22(studio audience laughing)
• 19:27Roseanne Barr, she ain't small, is she?
• 19:29(studio audience laughing)
• 19:31- No, no no.
• 19:32When I say big bird.
• 19:34- I know because I mean, if you got Roseanne Barr
• 19:36stuck in your engine, you'd know all about it.
• 19:38- No, no.
• 19:39I'm talking about an eagle or a coroment.
• 19:45A cornament.
• 19:47An eagle.
• 19:48- Oh, right.
• 19:50I see.
• 19:51Ah!
• 19:52No, no.
• 19:53Got it, Rodney.
• 19:54Listen, this is it.
• 19:55Listen to this.
• 19:56You see now, Mel.
• 19:58Right?
• 19:59His assistant is in the beginning played by Roseanne Barr.
• 20:03- I don't want Roseanne Barr.
• 20:04- No, listen to this,
• 20:05but when Mel pulls her out of the engine,
• 20:08she's in a right mess, ain't she, eh?
• 20:10- Del.
• 20:11Listen to me.
• 20:11- So this is, no, listen.
• 20:12This is when we find out
• 20:13that not only is Mel, right, a pilot
• 20:16and a science researchist,
• 20:19but he's also a plastic surgeon.
• 20:21- No.
• 20:22- And in the back of his airplane, right,
• 20:24he's got some of his old plastic surgeon tools.
• 20:27So he operates on her.
• 20:29- I don't want him operating on her.
• 20:31- You see, and then he turns her into Julia Roberts, right?
• 20:36And when she looks in the mirror
• 20:37and sees what he's done, she says,
• 20:39"Bloody hell, Mel, help yourself."
• 20:42(studio audience laughing)
• 20:45And that is your romance.
• 20:49- I'm not having Roseanne Barr's legs
• 20:50sticking out of one end
• 20:51of a jumbo jet's engine
• 20:52and Julia Roberts' head
• 20:54sticking out of the other end.
• 20:55(studio audience laughing)
• 21:01- Are you certain he said they'd meet us?
• 21:03- I'm positive.
• 21:06(studio audience laughing)
• 21:07Oh, my God.
• 21:09- Oh, no.
• 21:11Why do they do things like this?
• 21:13- As I've said to you before,
• 21:15women are from Venus, men are from Peckham.
• 21:19(studio audience laughing)
• 21:27- Let me carry that coffee for you.
• 21:29- Get off me, Rodney!
• 21:31I'm sorry,
• 21:31I know you're an attentive and committed man,
• 21:34but you're getting on my bloody nerves.
• 21:35(studio audience laughing)
• 21:37- Hormones, eh?
• 21:39- Yeah.
• 21:40I'm glad I ain't got none.
• 21:41(studio audience laughing)
• 21:43It's an answering machine.
• 21:44I hate them.
• 21:47Hello.
• 21:47Denzil, this is Delboy.
• 21:50Listen, I haven't been able to get hold of you
• 21:51for the last couple of weeks,
• 21:54I just wanted to let you know
• 21:55that I had a job for you worth 500 quid.
• 21:59I've had to let it go to someone else now.
• 22:02So I just wanted to let you know
• 22:04what a half-head I think you really are.
• 22:07Bonjour!
• 22:11- You'll never guess.
• 22:12- What?
• 22:13- I've just been talking to that woman
• 22:14who cleans for Boycie and Marlene.
• 22:17She says she hasn't seen
• 22:18sight or sound of Marlene for eight days now.
• 22:21- No.
• 22:22What do you think's happened?
• 22:23- I dunno.
• 22:24Strange, though.
• 22:25- I can't understand how Boycie and Marlene
• 22:27weren't divorced years ago.
• 22:29- Oh come on.
• 22:30Marlene will never divorce Boycie,
• 22:32she hates him too much.
• 22:35- You shouldn't laugh about it.
• 22:37Marital break-ups can be very damaging.
• 22:40Years ago, I did some work for the Samaritans.
• 22:43- What, you were actually on the phones?
• 22:44- Yeah.
• 22:45- Yes.
• 22:46Very successful he was, too.
• 22:48No one ever phoned back.
• 22:56- Del, have you seen Marlene recently?
• 22:58- No.
• 22:59I bumped into Boycie a couple of days ago.
• 23:01He just said she'd gone away.
• 23:02- Maybe he's murdered her!
• 23:04- Keep your nose out of this.
• 23:07- Do you think she's left him?
• 23:08- Well they were having quite a row in the pub.
• 23:10It got very nasty.
• 23:12He accused her of being flat-chested.
• 23:14- Oh come on, they're always having rows.
• 23:17- You haven't seen Denzil
• 23:18for a while either, have you?
• 23:21Maybe they've run off together.
• 23:23- Hark at him.
• 23:25Marlene has run off with Den
• 23:29zil.
• 23:34- Jane, half a lager and Del's usual.
• 23:37- Poison in the dining room.
• 23:39- Candlestick in the bedroom.
• 23:43- What are you playing, Cluedo?
• 23:44- No.
• 23:45It's called Whatever happened to Marlene?
• 23:48It's been 10 days now.
• 23:50- I reckon she's either run off with another bloke
• 23:52or Boycie's killed her
• 23:53and buried her in the garden.
• 23:55- Or she's spending the week at her sister's.
• 23:58- Spending the week a her sister's?
• 24:00You and your imagination, Rodney.
• 24:02- Do you remember
• 24:03the old Jolly Boys' outings we used to go on?
• 24:06- What, the beanos to Margate?
• 24:08Yeah, they were great.
• 24:09- We ain't had one of them in years.
• 24:11- No.
• 24:12After the last one
• 24:13the coach firms wouldn't do business with us.
• 24:16(studio audience laughing)
• 24:17But the other night,
• 24:18I was going through a couple of old boxes
• 24:20and I found this.
• 24:24It's the first Jolly Boys' outing.
• 24:26July 1960.
• 24:29There's Del, about 15.
• 24:32There's Trigger.
• 24:33Boycie, Denzil.
• 24:35- What a bunch of mongs.
• 24:36- Bloody hell.
• 24:38- They look stupid.
• 24:39- That was the fashion.
• 24:41There's your dad, Reg.
• 24:44- Oh, yeah.
• 24:45- There's your grandfather.
• 24:47There's me.
• 24:48- Blimey, Sid.
• 24:50You looked like an old git even in them days.
• 24:52(studio audience laughing)
• 24:54- Yeah.
• 24:56I haven't really aged.
• 24:57(studio audience laughing)
• 24:59- See you later, Rodney.
• 25:00I gotta go and get something to eat.
• 25:02- We do food here.
• 25:03- Yeah, I know, I've tried it before.
• 25:06- Fair enough.
• 25:07- Sid, can I borrow this to get a copy made?
• 25:10I'm gonna get it blown up
• 25:11and I'm gonna embarrass Del with it
• 25:13for the rest of his life.
• 25:14- I want it back, though. - Yeah, of course.
• 25:21- There you go.
• 25:22- Ta.
• 25:24Who are you smirking at?
• 25:26- Nothing.
• 25:28You all right, Trig?
• 25:29- Nothing to report.
• 25:30Waiting for the glue to dry.
• 25:32(studio audience laughing)
• 25:34- Mum's the word.
• 25:36- I hope you're gonna be around on Saturday night.
• 25:39It's a very special evening.
• 25:41- The brewery given us a new governor?
• 25:43- No.
• 25:44Somebody's booked the pub for a do
• 25:46and it's the first of my tribute nights.
• 25:50I've got a couple of young singers from Newcastle.
• 25:53They call themselves Lordy Geordie.
• 25:55(studio audience laughing)
• 25:57They do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
• 26:00(studio audience laughing)
• 26:03- Why?
• 26:07- I didn't ask.
• 26:10The first act on is a David Bowie tribute.
• 26:13A carpenter.
• 26:15Calls himself Ziggy Sawdust.
• 26:17(studio audience laughing)
• 26:21- Make a note of that, will you, Rodney.
• 26:22I can't miss this.
• 26:25- Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?
• 26:27(studio audience laughing)
• 26:31- I've been thinking,
• 26:32I've got a good idea for one of our films.
• 26:35- What's that?
• 26:37- You know, Denzil and Marlene running off together.
• 26:40These two people who've known each other since their teens
• 26:44and hid their passion for each other,
• 26:46and then when they reach middle age,
• 26:49they can't contain it no longer,
• 26:51so they rush into each other's arms.
• 26:54- This is Denzil and Marlene.
• 26:57- I know, we'll get someone nice, though, won't we?
• 27:00- I can't do romance all that romance stuff.
• 27:02I'm more into science fiction.
• 27:04- Yeah, I like all that as well, Dave.
• 27:08I mean, you think about space.
• 27:11It's everywhere, innit?
• 27:12(studio audience laughing)
• 27:15- You're right, you can't move for it.
• 27:16Can you?
• 27:18- I read something the other day
• 27:19that was very frightening.
• 27:20Scientists have just discovered
• 27:22this gigantic black hole,
• 27:23right on the very edge of our galaxy,
• 27:26and if our planet continues
• 27:28on its ever-widening orbit,
• 27:30then eventually, we'll be sucked into it and destroyed.
• 27:33- I'll make sure I'm out that day.
• 27:36- So when's this going to happen?
• 27:38(studio audience laughing)
• 27:41- They can't be too specific, can they?
• 27:43They can't all say Saturday 12th March
• 27:45at half past three, can they?
• 27:47- No, well they can give us an idea,
• 27:50give or take a fortnight.
• 27:52- Well, roughly.
• 27:54Within two to three hundred million years.
• 27:59(studio audience laughing)
• 28:00- We got time for a quick one, then?
• 28:02(studio audience laughing)
• 28:05- So what are they gonna do about it?
• 28:09- What are who gonna do about it?
• 28:12- The government.
• 28:14- Well, there's nothing.
• 28:16They're gonna send McAlpine's up
• 28:17with a spaceship full of bricks.
• 28:20- They'll need more than one.
• 28:22(studio audience laughing)
• 28:25- Del, I know you don't believe
• 28:27in all this UFO rubbish, but
• 28:29I've been sitting here looking out the window at the sky
• 28:33and I suddenly noticed a star.
• 28:36- It's night, Trig, it happens.
• 28:38Yeah, but this star suddenly disappeared
• 28:40just for a split second
• 28:41and then it came back again
• 28:43and then it disappeared
• 28:46and then it came back again.
• 28:48And then it disappeared
• 28:51and then it came back again.
• 28:55Do you think that's a close encounter?
• 28:59- No, it's called blinking.
• 29:01(studio audience laughing)
• 29:05- It's done it again, look.
• 29:08- No, missed it.
• 29:16There it goes!
• 29:17(studio audience laughing)
• 29:22- It's amazing, innit?
• 29:25- Dear God.
• 29:27(phone ringing)
• 29:30- Trotters Independent Traders.
• 29:34Yeah?
• 29:35Alright, thank you< we'll be right down there.
• 29:38It's the manager of the Sopranos Pizza Parlor.
• 29:42We've found Denzil.
• 29:44(people chattering)
• 29:52Hey, Denzil, me old mate.
• 29:55- All right, Del?
• 29:57Hi guys, hi, fellas.
• 29:58How's it going?
• 29:59- Yes.
• 30:00Fine.
• 30:02We were worried about you, me old mate.
• 30:04- Don't worry about me, I was just off.
• 30:06- No, you sit down, sit down.
• 30:08Let's have a little chinwag, eh?
• 30:17Is there anything you'd like to tell us?
• 30:21- We promise we won't be judgmental.
• 30:23These things happen.
• 30:25- Who told you?
• 30:27- Del worked it out.
• 30:29- Yeah, well,
• 30:30once Marlene went missing and so did you,
• 30:33you didn't have to be Jeremy Paxton
• 30:35to work out you'd run off together.
• 30:39- Run off with Marlene?
• 30:41Have you gone mad or what?
• 30:44- Where've you been, then?
• 30:45- Well if you must know, I've been in the hospital.
• 30:47- Hospital?
• 30:49Was there something wrong with you then?
• 30:50- Well yes, of course
• 30:51there was something wrong with me.
• 30:54- What?
• 30:57- I don't want to talk about it, Del.
• 31:00It's been with me for quite a while.
• 31:02I didn't say anything to you or the others because.
• 31:06I didn't want to admit it to myself.
• 31:09Finally, the doctor said
• 31:11I'd got to have the operation or.
• 31:16- Or what?
• 31:17(studio audience laughing)
• 31:19- Trigger, you don't need to ask that question.
• 31:22When a bloke says or, you know what he means.
• 31:26- What?
• 31:28(studio audience laughing)
• 31:30- Look, I've had the operation and I'm feeling better now.
• 31:34Its just that the specialist said
• 31:35it could always return, you know.
• 31:38I've just gotta live in hope.
• 31:42Look, let's get a drink.
• 31:44Four beers, please, over here.
• 31:48- I didn't spot you lot lurking over here.
• 31:50How's it all going, then?
• 31:52- All right. - All right.
• 31:53- You and me have got a mutual friend.
• 31:56That young nurse that was looking after ya,
• 31:58Jolene, I took her out for a couple of drinks.
• 32:00She told me all about your case.
• 32:02- I don't believe this.
• 32:04It's supposed to be confidential, Mickey!
• 32:06- Well like I said, she'd had a couple of drinks.
• 32:09I don't envy you at all, Denzil.
• 32:11My old granddad suffered with piles.
• 32:14(studio audience laughing)
• 32:18- Piles?
• 32:20- You've had piles?
• 32:22- Us worried sick about you
• 32:24and all you'd got was a touch of the Farmer Giles!
• 32:28- Not piles, Derek, super-piles.
• 32:32- All this fuss over a few hemorrhoids.
• 32:35- Hemorrhoids?
• 32:35They were more like asteroids.
• 32:37(studio audience laughing)
• 32:39Surgeon said it was keyhole surgery.
• 32:41Forgot to say it was the keyhole
• 32:43to the Tower of soddin' London!
• 32:46You wanna see what he's done to me.
• 32:48- No, thank you very much, Denzil.
• 32:49I'll just take your word for it.
• 32:53So what's all this about Marlene?
• 32:55- She's gone missing.
• 32:56Nobody's seen her for about a week.
• 32:58- We thought she was having an affair.
• 33:01- Funny you should say that, you know, because,
• 33:02I was in town two weeks ago
• 33:04and I saw Marlene talking to this fella.
• 33:06All dressed up, low-cut blouse,
• 33:09high heels, full make-up, the lot.
• 33:13- What does she see in a bloke like that?
• 33:14(studio audience laughing)
• 33:18- No, not the.
• 33:20He's talking about Marlene!
• 33:22You are talking about her, aren't you?
• 33:24- Yeah.
• 33:25- So maybe Boycie found out
• 33:27Marlene was having an affair.
• 33:30- And then he took out
• 33:31a very large life insurance policy on her.
• 33:41Hello, Boycie, we were just passing.
• 33:42We thought we'd pop in.
• 33:48- Well, you must appreciate I'm a very busy man,
• 33:51so what can I do for you?
• 33:54- A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.
• 33:57- So, how's Marlene these days?
• 34:00- She's fine.
• 34:01- It's just we haven't seen her around lately.
• 34:04- No.
• 34:06That's because she's been away.
• 34:10I'll put the kettle on.
• 34:15- He's done her in.
• 34:16- You don't know that.
• 34:18- What other explanation is there?
• 34:20- Maybe she's staying with friends.
• 34:22- Don't be stupid.
• 34:23She's been missing for over a week.
• 34:25Who the hell's gonna have
• 34:26Marlene in their house for a week?
• 34:27(studio audience laughing)
• 34:29You be observant.
• 34:30This could make a nice little film.
• 34:32- Look, we have got to be
• 34:33very careful about what we say.
• 34:35We could be making a terrible mistake
• 34:37and one wrong word
• 34:38could cause a lot of pain and distress.
• 34:40- Yes, you're right.
• 34:42Subtlety is the order of the day.
• 34:44- Absolutely.
• 34:51- Well?
• 34:52- Right, well, Boycie.
• 34:54I hope you won't take offense
• 34:56by what I'm about to say, but.
• 34:59Me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene
• 35:01and buried her in the garden.
• 35:03(studio audience laughing)
• 35:07- Beautiful, Derek.
• 35:10- How dare you?
• 35:12Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden?
• 35:14I have never been so insulted
• 35:16in all my life.
• 35:18You know how much I've spent on that garden.
• 35:19You think I'm gonna dig a hole in it?
• 35:20(studio audience laughing)
• 35:22- Oh, yeah.
• 35:24I never thought of that.
• 35:26So what have you done with her, then?
• 35:27- I have done nothing with her.
• 35:29She's upstairs.
• 35:32- See, she's upstairs.
• 35:33What else is there to say?
• 35:35- Dead or alive might help.
• 35:37(studio audience laughing)
• 35:40- Marlene and I will be down the pub tonight.
• 35:42Then you'll have proof, you need, inspector.
• 35:47Now, if you'll excuse me,
• 35:48I have business to attend to.
• 36:00- See you later, Marlene.
• 36:04- She's probably asleep.
• 36:07- Oh, yeah, oh yeah, right.
• 36:10See you later, Marlene!
• 36:11(studio audience laughing)
• 36:16- She's a deep sleeper.
• 36:18(studio audience laughing)
• 36:20She's dead to the world.
• 36:21(studio audience laughing)
• 36:24See you tonight, Boycie.
• 36:27Bonjour.
• 36:41♫ This is Ground Control to Major Tom
• 36:45♫ You've really made the grade
• 36:48♫ And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
• 36:55♫ Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
• 36:57(studio audience laughing)
• 37:02♫ This is Major Tom to Ground Control
• 37:06♫ I'm stepping through the door
• 37:09♫ And I'm floating in a most peculiar way.
• 37:14- What's all this, Sid?
• 37:16- I got the idea from that little Spanish place in Fulham.
• 37:19- That's tapas.
• 37:21This is.
• 37:22Well, it's not good, is it?
• 37:24- It's English tapas.
• 37:26- Does Mike know you're doing this?
• 37:28I mean, I know he's still inside, but it's still his pub.
• 37:31- Michael said, "Treat the pub as if it were your own."
• 37:34- That's just a figure of speech.
• 37:36If you stay at someone's house, they say
• 37:38treat it as your own.
• 37:39- Yeah, doesn't mean to say
• 37:40you take a sledge hammer to build a through lounge.
• 37:42- Look, there it is.
• 37:44Take it or leave it.
• 37:45- Thank God, we've got a choice.
• 37:50- Do you think Boycie will turn up?
• 37:52- No.
• 37:53Actually, I he's halfway across Europe by now.
• 37:56- Yeah.
• 37:57Grab the insurance money and run.
• 38:00(upbeat rock music)
• 38:14(applauding and whistling)
• 38:24- Good evening.
• 38:26I know what you've been saying about me,
• 38:28so I am here to prove you wrong.
• 38:31Would you all please greet my wife Marlene?
• 38:43- Good evening, everyone.
• 38:46- Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
• 38:47(studio audience laughing)
• 38:49- This cost me a bloody fortune up west.
• 38:51- You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
• 38:56- Tell him!
• 38:57- Ignore him.
• 38:59If I may, my dear?
• 39:04(studio audience laughing)
• 39:07(applauding)
• 39:10(exclaims in foreign language)
• 39:14- Got a feeling this is gonna cause trouble.
• 39:18- She'll have someone's eye out.
• 39:24♫ I hope for your touch
• 39:32- So that's where she's been
• 39:34for the last week or so,
• 39:35up town getting a boob job.
• 39:37- She has not had a boob job.
• 39:40- Leave it out, Boycie.
• 39:41You brought a firm in.
• 39:43- I have not brought a firm in.
• 39:45- Want me to call up Twickenham,
• 39:46and see if they've got a couple of balls missing.
• 39:48(studio audience laughing)
• 39:50- She has not had a boob job.
• 39:52That is all natural.
• 39:53- Really?
• 39:54Well she never used to have boobs
• 39:56as big as that.
• 39:57- How the bloody hell do you know?
• 40:01- You told me.
• 40:03- Oh, yeah.
• 40:04(studio audience laughing)
• 40:06We got a dress designer in
• 40:07who simply made the most of what was available.
• 40:09- Oh yeah, and who was the bloke
• 40:11that she was seen up town with the other week?
• 40:14- Oh that bloke?
• 40:15That bloke was.
• 40:17That bloke was.
• 40:21All right.
• 40:21That was her plastic surgeon.
• 40:23- Aha, now it comes out, eh?
• 40:26- I just thought it'd bring us closer together.
• 40:28- I'd have thought it'll have the opposite effect!
• 40:29(studio audience laughing)
• 40:32- Well I bloody well hope not.
• 40:33It was four grand a boob!
• 40:35- How much did that cost you, then?
• 40:37(studio audience laughing)
• 40:40- About eight grand, Trig.
• 40:42- Blimey!
• 40:50I feel sorry for her.
• 40:51Must be horrible going round
• 40:52with a couple of big boobies.
• 40:54- Raquel and I are used to it!
• 40:55(studio audience laughing)
• 40:59- Are they laughing at me?
• 41:01- No, they're just having a good time.
• 41:03- We'll see about that.
• 41:08- Raquel, I'm so glad you wore that dress again.
• 41:12It's always been one of my favorites.
• 41:14That reminds me, Boyce,
• 41:15we've got to collect the curtains from the cleaners.
• 41:19- Oh just listen!
• 41:20And her looking like one of those little women
• 41:22you put over toilet rolls.
• 41:24(studio audience laughing)
• 41:24- Did you hear what she said?
• 41:27- Yes.
• 41:28Now, be fair, Raquel.
• 41:30Marlene's made a big effort this evening.
• 41:32- You can see a struggle's taken place.
• 41:34(studio audience laughing)
• 41:36- She's been in that bedroom for hours.
• 41:38- Shut up!
• 41:39- What have I done now?
• 41:40I'm just trying to defend your honor.
• 41:43- Here now Boycoe, trying to defend Marlene's honor?
• 41:46What have you got in the garden shed?
• 41:47A time machine?
• 41:50- You're just jealous aren't you?
• 41:51Just because I can afford
• 41:52a bit of surgery for my 40th birthday.
• 41:55- 40th?
• 41:57When I first met you you were pushing 40.
• 41:59For the last few years you've been towing it!
• 42:02- Right, that's it!
• 42:04Raquel, get out of the pub, you're barred.
• 42:08- What are you talking about, Sid?
• 42:11- Eh?
• 42:12- No.
• 42:13Marlene, get out of the pub, you're barred.
• 42:15- I beg your pardon?
• 42:17- Get off home and take your foster tits with you.
• 42:21- Did you hear what he just said?
• 42:23- Yes.
• 42:25How dare you?
• 42:26Look, we'll finish our drinks and--
• 42:28- You will not finish them,
• 42:29you'll get out now.
• 42:31- Right.
• 42:32- Come along, Marlene.
• 42:33I've never been so insulted in my life.
• 42:39- Sid, far be it for me to interfere,
• 42:41but you're taking this landlord lark a bit too seriously.
• 42:45You're like Mussolini in a local Harvester.
• 42:47- I'm running this pub now.
• 42:50- I don't think I should have banned Boycie and Marlene.
• 42:53- Oh yes, and why is that?
• 42:54- Because it's their anniversary do.
• 42:57(studio audience laughing)
• 43:02- Excuse me!
• 43:04I am paying for all this.
• 43:06- Right.
• 43:07Drinks all round.
• 43:09(studio audience laughing)
• 43:13(clapping)
• 43:29- Raquel, where are you?
• 43:36- You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man!
• 43:40- Have I upset you, sweetheart?
• 43:41- I found that letter from the Official Receiver.
• 43:44- Oh, right.
• 43:45Yeah.
• 43:46I've come back home to talk to you about that.
• 43:47- You lied to me and to Rodney about those letters.
• 43:51- What letters?
• 43:56- All right, all right.
• 43:59These letters.
• 44:01- Cartwright, Cartwright & Cartwright, Solicitors of Law.
• 44:05Del, there must be 10 letters here.
• 44:07- I know, it looks worse than it is.
• 44:09- Yes, because half of them are Rodney's.
• 44:11- You've been hiding my personal correspondence?
• 44:14- I just wanted to take the pressure off you
• 44:17that was all, because you got Cassandra and the baby.
• 44:19- And you didn't tell me that this flat
• 44:21is being auctioned in 10 days time.
• 44:23- No, well you had all that ironing.
• 44:25(studio audience laughing)
• 44:29It's just been one bit of bad news after the other.
• 44:32I was just trying to protect you all.
• 44:34That was all.
• 44:35- You're just a control freak, Derek.
• 44:36To you other people don't matter, do they?.
• 44:38- That is not true, sweetheart.
• 44:40- You just step over them like they don't exist.
• 44:42And what do they do in return?
• 44:44They love you so much, they all try to help you.
• 44:46And you just throw it back in their faces.
• 44:48- Oh, they all try to help me, yeah?
• 44:50What was it that you wanted me to do?
• 44:52Ask Boycie for a loan.
• 44:54That's the same as joining the Moonies.
• 44:57Then I got Rodney here trying to write
• 44:59Freddie Krueger And The Chocolate Factory
• 45:01and Trigger back at his place,
• 45:02scratching his arse with a chopstick!
• 45:05(studio audience laughing)
• 45:06These people are supposed to help me?
• 45:09- You ungrateful sod.
• 45:13- At least I didn't suggest
• 45:14forming a Hollywood film company.
• 45:18- You're gonna wish you'd never said that, Rodney.
• 45:20- Just bringing up a pertinent point.
• 45:22- No, pal.
• 45:23That's more like bringing up a furball.
• 45:25- You were going to form a Hollywood film company?
• 45:29- You see, you see, you see?
• 45:30No, not me, him, Rodney, that's right.
• 45:32He wanted to make this film
• 45:34about an uninhabited desert island
• 45:36with a tribe of cavemen living on it.
• 45:38- How's it uninhabited, then?
• 45:40- I don't know.
• 45:41And then this jumbo jet lands
• 45:43with a load of other people on board.
• 45:45- A jumbo jet?
• 45:46Where's the runway come from?
• 45:48- Well, I don't know.
• 45:51- What's all this noise?
• 45:52- Oh Cassandra,
• 45:53you've got to hear the latest from these morons.
• 45:56They're going to make a Hollywood film.
• 45:58What was it, Del?
• 45:59They land on an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet.
• 46:03- Who do?
• 46:04- Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.
• 46:06It was his idea, he wanted Julia Roberts.
• 46:08- Yeah, but he wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.
• 46:10- How can you land a jumbo jet
• 46:11on an uninhabited island?
• 46:13Where's the runway come from?
• 46:16- Yeah, I dunno, ask him here.
• 46:18Cecil B Demented.
• 46:20(studio audience laughing)
• 46:26- I don't know.
• 46:27- You see?
• 46:28Maybe Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
• 46:30they knocked it up, didn't they?
• 46:32One weekend, eh?
• 46:33- And who was going to produce this masterpiece?
• 46:36As if I need ask.
• 46:37- Exactly.
• 46:38Alfred Stopcock here.
• 46:40(studio audience laughing)
• 46:42- So while we're worrying ourselves sick,
• 46:44these two are getting drunk
• 46:46and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.
• 46:48Aren't you just glad you made sacrifices for them?
• 46:51- Just listen to me, Raquel.
• 46:52- No, you listen to me, Derek.
• 46:55You've got to make contact with reality, Del.
• 46:57Everything with you is image.
• 47:00I saw you down in the pub last night.
• 47:01We're broke
• 47:02and you threw money around like Elton John.
• 47:05And instead of finding work,
• 47:06you prefer to sit in this, recycled council flat
• 47:09pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.
• 47:12And when we go out in the Capri,
• 47:13you insist on having the windows wound up,
• 47:15even in a heatwave, just to make other drivers
• 47:17think you've got air conditioning!
• 47:19(studio audience laughing)
• 47:21- I know I'm not perfect.
• 47:23- God!
• 47:23That is the understatement of the year!
• 47:26Unless a miracle happens, in 10 days' time,
• 47:29my son and I are going to be living
• 47:31in some flea bitten bed and breakfast
• 47:33in downtown Sodoffsville!
• 47:35- Alright, if it's a miracle you want, then I'm your man.
• 47:38Ain't I?
• 47:39I'm chairman of Miracles R Us.
• 47:41- You're a man, Del!
• 47:42You'll never understand.
• 47:44Just remember, only women bleed.
• 47:47- Cor blimey, only women bleed!
• 47:51Gordon Bennett!
• 47:55I am not a control freak.
• 47:58It's just that I have had no choice.
• 48:02Do you realize that when I was 16,
• 48:04my old man walked out and left me and Rodney
• 48:07in the care of our daft old granddad?
• 48:11He tried his best, but he wasn't up to it.
• 48:15So I had to take over and I've been doing it
• 48:18ever since and I can't get out of the habit.
• 48:25- I'm gonna have a lie-down.
• 48:37- All right?
• 48:40- Oh, yeah yeah, fine.
• 48:42Raquel and I have had a quiet little chat.
• 48:46- Yeah, I heard.
• 49:01You got somewhere to stay, you know after the auction?
• 49:05Trigger said I could doss down at his place.
• 49:08There's not much room, you know,
• 49:09what with all those X-File videos and chopsticks.
• 49:13(studio audience laughing)
• 49:15Oh, dear.
• 49:17Women.
• 49:18Do you know what Raquel said?
• 49:19She said only women bleed.
• 49:21Blimey!
• 49:22She ought to be outside the Nag's Head
• 49:24on a Saturday night.
• 49:26They reckon they're the only ones who suffer.
• 49:28They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.
• 49:31They worry about their PMT.
• 49:34Us men, we worry about.
• 49:37- Our MOT?
• 49:37- Yes.
• 49:39- Do they listen to us?
• 49:41- No, they don't.
• 49:42- No, they don't.
• 49:45She'll never meet another bloke like me, will she?
• 49:49- No, she won't.
• 49:52- That's it, Rodney, I mean that is it.
• 49:55Once the flat is auctioned
• 49:58we'll split up, we'll go our separate ways.
• 50:01I won't see her again.
• 50:02- Del, don't say that.
• 50:03- No, no no, that's it, Rodney
• 50:05She won't be able to get round me.
• 50:07'Cause, you know,
• 50:08when my mind is made up, my mind is made up!
• 50:13-[Raquel] Del?
• 50:16- Yes.
• 50:17- I just said I'm going for a lie-down.
• 50:23(studio audience laughing)
• 50:33- She's.
• 50:35She's all right really.
• 50:39She's lovely, isn't she, eh?
• 50:44- Yeah, she's lovely.
• 51:15(gentle rock music)
• 51:27-[Cassandra] You're not really with me tonight, are you?
• 51:30- Sorry, just thinking.
• 51:32- Look, I know you're worried about losing the flat,
• 51:35but my mom and dad said we're welcome there
• 51:37as long as we like.
• 51:39I know you and my mom don't.
• 51:40- Yeah, that's great, thanks.
• 51:45I can't eat.
• 51:47- Alright, what's wrong?
• 51:48- Nothing, I'm just not hungry.
• 51:51- Rodney, I refuse to have this baby till you tell me.
• 51:56- Take a look at this.
• 51:59It's the Jolly Boys' outing to Margate.
• 52:01July 1960.
• 52:03- This is great.
• 52:05Is that Del?
• 52:06Yeah.
• 52:0815.
• 52:09- And Trigger.
• 52:10Look at Trigger.
• 52:12- Keep looking.
• 52:13- That must be Boycie, those eyes.
• 52:16And Denzil, look at his hair!
• 52:19- Yeah.
• 52:21Keep looking.
• 52:22- There's your granddad.
• 52:24Ah.
• 52:25And there's you.
• 52:29Yeah, there's me.
• 52:32July 1960.
• 52:35Before I was born.
• 52:46- Well, where is everyone?
• 52:48-[Raquel] I'm in the bathroom.
• 52:49Dinner's in the oven.
• 52:51- All right.
• 53:08Dear, oh, dear.
• 53:13Bloody hell.
• 53:17-[Cassandra] So who is he?
• 53:20- He's my father.
• 53:22- But your father is.
• 53:24- My real father.
• 53:26My biological old man.
• 53:30I've had my suspicions for years.
• 53:33People tried to convince me
• 53:34it was my imagination.
• 53:39His name was Freddie the Frog.
• 53:42He'd been a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname.
• 53:46He and my mom were
• 53:48friends.
• 53:51- Are you absolutely certain?
• 53:53- Look at the photo, Cass.
• 53:56We don't need DNA with this one.
• 54:04- All right?
• 54:05What's the first name that springs to mind?
• 54:08(studio audience laughing)
• 54:08- Well.
• 54:10Rodney.
• 54:11- Exactly.
• 54:12Rodney.
• 54:15- Who is he?
• 54:19- His name was Freddie Robdal.
• 54:22He was a mate of my dad's.
• 54:25See my mom was having a rough time
• 54:27with the old man.
• 54:28He was very handy,
• 54:31if you know what I mean, with women.
• 54:33Not much cop when it came to men, but
• 54:35he was a real hard nut with women and kids.
• 54:39Anyway, one day my dad brought this
• 54:41Freddie Robdal home and him and my mom
• 54:43well, they got on like a house on fire, didn't they.
• 54:45You know, they had the same taste in music and.
• 54:49Well, everything.
• 54:51- And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?
• 54:54- He was a gentleman safe-cracker.
• 54:57They called him the Raffles of Peckham.
• 55:00People have mentioned him before
• 55:02and we sounded similar.
• 55:05He was a connoisseur of fine wines,
• 55:07a gourmet of international cuisine,
• 55:10a real snappy dresser, big-time charmer.
• 55:13- So how are you similar?
• 55:19- We're about the same height.
• 55:22- So where's Freddie the Frog or Daddy now?
• 55:26- He's dead.
• 55:28Back in '64, he was breaking into a safe
• 55:30and he sat on the detonator.
• 55:33- He sat on the detonator?
• 55:35Why?
• 55:37- I think it's what's known,
• 55:38in the underworld, as an accident.
• 55:40(studio audience laughing)
• 55:45- And you've known all these years?
• 55:47- No.
• 55:49At least, not when Rodney was a baby.
• 55:53When you get to 20
• 55:54and your six-year-old brother is taller than you are,
• 55:56it makes you think.
• 56:00I never knew really who he was.
• 56:03As a youngster,
• 56:04I was told to call him Uncle Fred.
• 56:07And then one night, a few years back,
• 56:09Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do.
• 56:12It was a wet corset contest.
• 56:15(studio audience laughing)
• 56:18Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mom.
• 56:27I don't know if you noticed,
• 56:30but there are no photographs of my mom in this house,
• 56:33except for a couple of close-ups that I gave to Rodney.
• 56:37- Well yeah, but I assumed your dad
• 56:38had taken them when he left.
• 56:40- No, that's the thing though,
• 56:42he only used to take money
• 56:43and things that he could sell.
• 56:46Then Uncle Albert told me.
• 56:49It was my Aunt Rene who dealt with it
• 56:53just after mom's funeral.
• 56:56You see every photograph in this house
• 56:59had a picture of Freddie Robdal in it.
• 57:02My Aunt Rene knew that as Rodney got older,
• 57:05people would see the stimularities.
• 57:10So she took 'em out and burnt 'em.
• 57:13- Do you think Rodney knows?
• 57:16- Well he's never been very observant, has he?
• 57:20Nah.
• 57:21He ain't got a clue.
• 57:24- Do you think Del knows anything about all this?
• 57:28- He would have said.
• 57:29- Are you gonna tell him?
• 57:31- No.
• 57:34It'd break his heart.
• 57:40-[Raquel] Will you say anything to Rodney?
• 57:43- I can't.
• 57:46It'd break his heart.
• 58:02- Who have we got to see?
• 58:04- Cartwright.
• 58:05(studio audience laughing)
• 58:07- What do you think he wants?
• 58:09You've asked me that a hundred times
• 58:11and a hundred times I've said I don't bloody know.
• 58:15- Well, think hard, Derek.
• 58:16- We don't want to go in there unarmed.
• 58:19If we know what you did,
• 58:20then we can have our excuses ready.
• 58:23- I've done nothing but think.
• 58:26All I know is that every business decision,
• 58:28every tactical move that I've ever made,
• 58:31we've already been done for.
• 58:32(studio audience laughing)
• 58:34It's probably nothing.
• 58:38- Del, solicitors don't send you 10 letters
• 58:40for nothing.
• 58:41No, this is something
• 58:43and my instincts say it's something bad.
• 58:49We're gonna go to prison, aren't we?
• 58:50- Shut up, you tart, we're not gonna go to prison.
• 58:53- Cassandra's going to be bringing my baby
• 58:55to visit me in Wormwood Scrubs.
• 58:58And you know the fun and games
• 58:59they get up to in prison, don't ya?
• 59:02You can guarantee I'm gonna be a prime target.
• 59:07- Well I hope they put us in separate cells,
• 59:10you depressing git.
• 59:12- How do you expect me to feel?
• 59:14In a few weeks I could be someone's bitch!
• 59:17(studio audience laughing)
• 59:19- Some great big ugly geezer's
• 59:21gonna choose me to be his special friend.
• 59:25- All you've got to say is,
• 59:27"Oi, none of that."
• 59:28(studio audience laughing)
• 59:30- He'll say, "I'll look after you, Rodney."
• 59:32He'll lend me his Rolling Stones CD
• 59:34and then we'll be engaged.
• 59:37- At least we'll have a party, then.
• 59:38Won't we?
• 59:41- I'm gonna ask to be put in solitary confinement.
• 59:44- No no no, don't do that.
• 59:45Because you don't want a reputation as a tease.
• 59:48(studio audience laughing)
• 59:51-[Rodney] You're enjoying this, aren't ya.
• 59:53- No, look, just listen to me, will you, dopey.
• 59:56The lawyer has asked us to come in here
• 59:58and have a little chat, ain't he?
• 60:00And this, whatever it is, is a civil matter.
• 60:02You only go to prison for a criminal offense.
• 60:07That means a police prosecution.
• 60:09Do you see any Mr. Plods around here?
• 60:13- Yes.
• 60:14I'm so stupid.
• 60:16I just let my imagination run away with itself.
• 60:22But if the worst comes to the worst.
• 60:25- All right.
• 60:26I'll go in the showers first.
• 60:27(studio audience laughing)
• 60:35- Del, I've been doing a bit of thinking lately.
• 60:38You know that photo that Sid lent me.
• 60:43- Gentlemen?
• 60:44Mr. Cartwright will see you now.
• 60:59- Ah, gentlemen, please take a seat.
• 61:02So
• 61:03at last we meet.
• 61:05You two have proved very elusive.
• 61:08I've been writing to you for three months now
• 61:09and not one word of reply.
• 61:11- Yes, sorry about that, we've been busy.
• 61:14- We've had a few problems recently.
• 61:17- Yes, I heard.
• 61:18I took the liberty of speaking to your solicitor.
• 61:20He related a tale of woe to me.
• 61:23- The international stock market
• 61:25can be a fickle thing.
• 61:28- No.
• 61:29I was referring to his unpaid bill.
• 61:31Oh.
• 61:33We were discussing that
• 61:34out in your waiting room.
• 61:36It's in the post.
• 61:37- Yes, I'm sure.
• 61:39Let's attend to the matter at hand.
• 61:40- Look, can't you just cut to the chase
• 61:42and tell us the worst?
• 61:44- Yes, you tell us what you're suing us for
• 61:46and we'll tell you why we can't pay.
• 61:48(studio audience laughing)
• 61:50- Mr. Trotter, you seem to be
• 61:51under entirely the wrong impression.
• 61:53Did you not read any of my letters?
• 61:55I said I had something that may be of interest to you.
• 61:58My firm acted as solicitors for your great-uncle,
• 62:01Albert Gladstone Trotter.
• 62:03- Oh, no.
• 62:05All right.
• 62:07What did he do?
• 62:10- Nothing, as far as I know.
• 62:12This is a reading of his last will and testament.
• 62:16- Albert left a will?
• 62:17- Indeed. - He didn't have nothing.
• 62:19- Well, not quite.
• 62:21I understand that, when you came into your fortune,
• 62:23you made Albert a very generous gift.
• 62:26- Yeah, we saw that he was all right.
• 62:29But that would be six years ago.
• 62:34He's probably blown all that.
• 62:36- Not entirely.
• 62:38As you know, Albert lived a very simple life.
• 62:41He didn't buy properties or Rolls-Royces,
• 62:44didn't care for Caribbean holidays
• 62:45or Hawaiian cruises.
• 62:48He simply invested your gift,
• 62:50and with respect,
• 62:51in a far more stable area than you managed to.
• 62:54All his investments were blue-chip,
• 62:55not very exciting, but stable,
• 62:57and bringing in a small but regular interest.
• 63:01Anyway, he's left his entire estate to you.
• 63:04Now, before I do the legal reading,
• 63:06let's, as you say, cut to the chase.
• 63:08After death duties,
• 63:09he has left you the sum of 145,000 pounds
• 63:15(studio audience laughing)
• 63:19each.
• 63:21(studio audience laughing)
• 63:24(phone ringing)
• 63:31- Yes, hello?
• 63:33Raquel.
• 63:33Raquel!
• 63:35You'll never guess, we're saved.
• 63:36It was all about Uncle Albert and his will.
• 63:42We're on our way.
• 63:44(intense instrumental music)
• 63:46She's in delivery room 10.
• 63:49- I don't know if I can face this.
• 63:50- Of course you can, Rodney.
• 63:52You gotta be there for the birth.
• 63:54Otherwise you'll never forgive yourself.
• 63:56- No, you're right.
• 63:58- Here y'are.
• 64:00This is it, this is it.
• 64:02Give us your coat, give us your coat.
• 64:04That's it, good boy, good boy, right.
• 64:07Go on, then.
• 64:17Oh, bloody hell.
• 64:20-[Rodney] I'm sorry.
• 64:21(studio audience laughing)
• 64:25- What are you playing at?
• 64:26My wife's in there having a baby,
• 64:28you just wander in for a look?
• 64:30- It weren't like that.
• 64:31I'm sorry.
• 64:33- Bleedin' perv!
• 64:40- It was room 16, not 10.
• 64:43- I nearly got a punch on the nose.
• 64:46- Shut up, you tart.
• 64:47Come on.
• 64:48(studio audience laughing)
• 64:53- Rodney.
• 64:54-[Rodney] I gotta be there for the birth.
• 64:55- You can't be there for the birth.
• 64:58- What?
• 65:01- They've had to give Cassandra
• 65:03a Caesarean section.
• 65:05- What's happened to my baby?
• 65:06- The baby's already been delivered.
• 65:09Mother and child are fine.
• 65:17- Mr. Trotter?
• 65:24(gentle instrumental music)
• 65:36- Are you all right, sweetheart?
• 65:38- I've never felt better in all my life.
• 65:42- She's a love, isn't she?
• 65:57Well.
• 65:59What do you reckon?
• 66:03- She's like a work of art.
• 66:07- Yeah.
• 66:09Lovely jubbly.
• 66:33- What are you gonna call her?
• 66:36- I don't know yet.
• 66:39Me and Cass had this agreement.
• 66:42If it was a boy, she'd name him.
• 66:44- If it was a girl, I could name her.
• 66:48- You're not going to hold me to that, are you?
• 66:52- Oh, yeah.
• 67:12- What were you saying on the phone
• 67:14about Uncle Albert and the will?
• 67:17- Oh, I'll explain it all later.
• 67:20All I'm gonna tell you is the auctioneers
• 67:22can go and stuff themselves because we are staying put.
• 67:36- Del.
• 67:54-[Del] A work of art.
• 67:59Yes, you are.
• 68:30- Did you love him?
• 68:32Did he love you?
• 68:36I hope he made you happy.
• 68:38You know, a few laughs.
• 68:44I've got two photos of you.
• 68:47But that's it.
• 68:50That's my past.
• 68:52My history is two photos.
• 68:55One of them's blurred.
• 68:58Don't matter.
• 69:05I hope she'll be as lovely as you.
• 69:08Well, she will.
• 69:14I wish I'd known you.
• 69:17I wish we'd had.
• 69:20Well, you know, something to.
• 69:23(car approaching)
• 69:26Just something.
• 69:37If you bump into Uncle Albert, say thanks.
• 69:45- There you are, Rodney.
• 69:47I wondered where you was, I've been looking for you.
• 69:50- I just thought I'd take her out for a little walk.
• 69:53Did a bit of tidying up.
• 69:57- She's a little heartbreaker, eh?
• 70:02Have you got a name for her yet?
• 70:22(gentle instrumental music)
• 70:30-[Del] Joan.
• 70:31Do you like your name?
• 70:37- Del, can I ask you a question?
• 70:41- What's that?
• 70:46- Other than looks, was he like me in any way?
• 70:52- Who?
• 70:53- You know who.
• 70:55Freddie Robdal.
• 70:58My father.
• 71:02- Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar.
• 71:07He was disloyal to his friends.
• 71:09He was a womanizer,
• 71:11a home-breaker, a con man,
• 71:13a thief, a liar and a cheat.
• 71:18So, no, Rodney, you're nothing like him.
• 71:26Come on.
• 71:27Let's go home, bruv.
• 71:42(upbeat instrumental music)
• 71:46Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
• 71:48-[Rodney] Yeah, fire away.
• 71:50-[Del] Where did that runway come from?
• 71:53(laughing)
• 71:56-[Rodney] I don't fancy making that film any more.
• 71:59-[Del] You know what, Rodders?
• 72:01That's a bloody good idea.
• 72:02(laughing)
• 72:09♫ We've got some half-price cracked ice
• 72:11♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
• 72:12♫ TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
• 72:15♫ Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push
• 72:18♫ Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
• 72:20♫ From a mush in Shepherd's Bush
• 72:22♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
• 72:25♫ No income tax, no VAT
• 72:27♫ No money back, no guarantee
• 72:31♫ Black or white, rich or broke
• 72:34♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
• 72:38♫ God bless Hooky Street
• 72:42♫ Viva Hooky Street
• 72:45♫ Long live Hooky Street
• 72:47♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
• 72:51♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street
• 72:55♫ Hooky Street
• 72:58♫ Hooky Street
• 73:01♫ Hooky Street
• 73:05♫ Hooky Street