Only Fools and Horses S00E20 — Sleepless in Peckham

Every line from “Sleepless in Peckham” (1693 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11♫ 'Cause if you want the best ones
00:13♫ but you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then, brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ and the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one what's driving me berserk
00:30♫ Why do only fools and horses work?
00:33♫ La la la, la la la la la
00:37♫ La la la, la la la la la
00:40♫ La la la, la la la la la
00:51- You'd better get ready for school, Damien.
00:55- I am ready.
00:56(studio audience laughing)
00:58- Oh, right.
00:59- All right, Dad? - Morning.
01:01- Ooh.
01:02- Was that a contraction?
01:03- No, indigestion.
01:06It was that bacon burger I had for breakfast.
01:08(studio audience laughing)
01:09You never used to eat bacon or burgers.
01:12- I'm craving bacon now.
01:13Bacon and Rolos, together.
01:16(studio audience laughing)
01:17- When I was having Damien,
01:18I had a craving for tuna.
01:21I used to have tuna
01:22for breakfast, lunch and dinner, didn't I?
01:23- Yeah, it was horrible.
01:24Saying goodnight to her was like kissing Japan.
01:27(studio audience laughing)
01:28- Shut up!
01:29- If I'm like this with indigestion,
01:32how am I gonna be when I go into labor?
01:33It effects women differently,
01:34some just sail through.
01:36- Yeah that's right.
01:37I remember when mom was giving birth to Rodney,
01:40she said it was the worst experience of her life.
01:44- Just because your mom had a bad time
01:45doesn't mean Cassandra will.
01:48- No, no, I see what you mean.
01:50No, I mean really, Cassandra,
01:52you should have a nice easy birth, shouldn't ya?
01:55- Why?
01:56- Well, look at you.
01:57You and Rodney are both very skin,
01:59slim, aren't you?
02:01So the chances of you having a very skinny,
02:04slimmy baby are very high.
02:07You won't have to push so hard, will you?
02:09Because your little sprog will come shooting out like that.
02:13- Del, please!
02:14- Sometimes you overstep the mark.
02:17- No, I'm sorry.
02:19Cassandra won't need a midwife
02:21in the delivery room.
02:22What she will need is a goalkeeper.
02:24"Here it comes!"
02:25(studio audience laughing)
02:27- Come on you.
02:28You'll be late.
02:29- There he is, all ready for school, son?
02:31Got your sunglasses, Walkman, your mobile phone?
02:35- Yeah, yeah, don't fuzz me, man.
02:36-[Raquel] Go on, off you go.
02:39- I think I'll have a lie-down.
02:40- Oh, alright, come on.
02:42Up we get.
02:48- I don't know if Cassandra will still feel up to it,
02:51but she was planning to spend the day
02:52at her parents' house.
02:53She hadn't seen her mom for a while.
02:55I thought I might go with her.
02:56- Yeah, that's alright, darling.
02:57You go off and enjoy yourself.
02:59We'll meet you down the pub later.
03:00I'll get a bacon sandwich
03:01and a packet of Werther's Original
03:02on the side for Cassandra.
03:05- Do you think she's all right?
03:07- Yeah, she's fine.
03:08- Yeah, of course she'll be alright.
03:09I mean, she's had buckets of pork and toffee.
03:11She's bound to feel a bit gippy.
03:13Ain't she?
03:14- Yeah, I suppose you're right.
03:15- Well we'd better do something.
03:17I thought we could go down Ronnie Nelson's warehouse--
03:19- No, no no, not today, Rodney, no.
03:23- Del, Rodney is the managing director now.
03:25- Yes.
03:26I'm in charge.
03:27- Yes, I know.
03:28- But today I'm going down to cemetery
03:29to put some flowers on mom's grave.
03:31- I'll come with you.
03:32- No.
03:34Look, I want you to stay here and look after Cassandra.
03:36- Yeah, I suppose so.
03:38If she feels better a bit later on,
03:39I'll go down Ronnie's place on me own.
03:41- No.
03:42Look, if she bucks up,
03:43I want you to take her and Raquel over to her mom's
03:47and I want you to stay with them in case of car-jacking.
03:50- On your Capri Ghia?
03:53Yeah, right.
03:54Oi!
03:55- What?
03:57What's the matter with him?
03:58- Why will you never let him do things on his own?
04:01- I can't let Rodney go out on business
04:04in his hands, can I?
04:05He'd come back with a bag of magic beans.
04:07- Oh yeah, and you're so successful, aren't you?
04:10- Oh come on, don't start.
04:11- This situation.
04:12- What situation?
04:13- You being made bankrupt,
04:15owing the Inland Revenue 53,000 pounds
04:17and the Official Receiver threatening to evict us
04:19and put the flat up for auction.
04:21- Oh that.
04:22- Yes, that.
04:23And what about all those letters
04:24from that firm of solicitors.
04:25Have you phoned them to find out what it's about?
04:27- No, I haven't I've been rather busy.
04:29- Have you told Rodney about it?
04:30- No.
04:31He's got enough to worry about.
04:33I'll tell him when the moment's right.
04:35Okay, can I borrow these?
04:36Thank you.
04:42- Have you told Raquel yet?
04:44- Told her what?
04:45- That the official receiver
04:46is auctioning this flat in a month's time?
04:49- No, look she's got enough to worry about.
04:51I'll tell her when the moment's right.
04:53- Del.
04:54- No.
04:55See you, Rodney.
05:03Are you all right, Mom?
05:06I've come to give you a bit of a scrub-up.
05:08(studio audience laughing)
05:14How do you like your new obelisk?
05:17(studio audience laughing)
05:19The other one, your old one, was okay, but
05:23it wasn't quite you,
05:26so when me and Rodders became millionaires,
05:28we got you this new one.
05:30Best one in the yard, this.
05:31This is the Ferrari of shrines.
05:37Anyway.
05:39Cassandra.
05:41She'll be giving birth soon.
05:44Another grandchild in the family.
05:47I said to them, I said, if it's a girl,
05:50would they name her after you?
05:52Joan.
05:55Anyway, I'm sorry, mom,
05:57I haven't been down for a long time,
05:59but I've had one or two problems to sort out.
06:02What with the bankruptcy and all of that.
06:08Then I received this letter
06:09from the Official Receiver,
06:11says they want to auction the old flat.
06:16The lads have been good.
06:18They've all been trying to think of ways
06:19for me to make money.
06:23- You gotta invent something.
06:25- Invent something?
06:26- All inventors are rich.
06:28What's the name of that bloke
06:29who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
06:32(studio audience laughing)
06:36- Dyson.
06:39- Millionaire.
06:40What about that bloke who invented the biro?
06:43- Bic?
06:45- Millionaire.
06:46- I don't know, Trig.
06:47I've thought of that,
06:48but everything's been invented.
06:50- Not everything.
06:53Picture this.
06:55You're on a crowded bus,
06:56you get an itch in your back.
06:58No matter how hard you try,
07:00you just can't reach it.
07:01So, what do you do?
07:03Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it for you.
07:06- Yeah.
07:08- No, you can't do that, Dave.
07:10- No, Trig, I was just having a laugh.
07:13- I tried that once
07:14and it caused nothing but trouble.
07:19Now.
07:21What's this?
07:23- Chopstick.
07:25- Correct.
07:26With this you can reach down and hit the spot.
07:32That's very good, Trig.
07:34It's good, not quite
07:35up to Bill Gates' standard, but it is brilliant.
07:39- I don't want to disappoint you, trig,
07:41and I know the Chinese
07:42have always been a very inventive race,
07:43but we created something years ago
07:45that rather beat them to the punch,
07:48we called it a backscratcher.
07:50- Yeah, but they're big long things, Dave.
07:52You can't carry one in your pocket.
07:54It will stick out.
07:55People will look.
07:56- Yes, I know Trig,
07:57but you've got to have something long
07:59haven't ya?
08:00To get it right down where the itch is.
08:03That thing's too short.
08:05- So what's the answer?
08:08- Another drink?
08:09(studio audience laughing)
08:11No.
08:16- Two chopsticks.
08:18- I'm gonna fit a little hinge on the end
08:23so you can open it out,
08:26scratch away, fold it down again.
08:30And put it back in your pocket.
08:34And you can use it for pointing at things.
08:37(studio audience laughing)
08:40- That's brilliant, innit?
08:42No more fingers.
08:44- This is just a specimen.
08:46I'm going back to my flat to work on it.
08:48When I take the patent out, Del,
08:50I'm gonna put it in your name.
08:52- Thanks, Trig.
08:54See you on "Tomorrow's World".
08:56(studio audience laughing)
09:00Well, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
09:04Seems like nothing's gonna change my bad luck.
09:08Raquel says we ought to try feng shui.
09:11I said to her, I said,
09:12"What good is eating raw fish gonna do?"
09:17And if all that weren't bad enough,
09:18I'm getting all these letters
09:20from my solicitor demanding a meeting.
09:24All I know is, if I don't get over 50 grand
09:27in four weeks' time,
09:28I'll be kipping on that bench over there.
09:33At least I'll be keeping you company.
09:34Won't I, mom?
09:36If there's anything that you can do,
09:39you know, while you're up there,
09:41like a word in the right ear,
09:45I'd be ever so grateful.
09:49Anyway, I'd better buzz off.
09:53See you soon, Mom.
09:57Bonjour.
09:58(studio audience laughing)
10:08(studio audience laughing)
10:10- What you doing?
10:12- Actually, I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.
10:16- Oh.
10:17Where is everyone?
10:18- Your dad's at the cemetery.
10:20Cassandra's going around to her parents' place
10:21for the afternoon with your mom.
10:26- Is it a silent film?
10:27- No, it's not a silent film.
10:30- Actually, you might be able to help me with this.
10:33- What do you want me to do?
10:34- Bugger off and leave me alone.
10:36(studio audience laughing)
10:41- All right, Dad?
10:42- Yeah, all right.
10:43All right, son.
10:45Postman's given me another letter
10:47from the Official Receiver.
10:49- I suppose it's about this flat.
10:50- It certainly ain't a Christmas card, is it?
10:53- Been busy, have you?
10:55- Yes.
10:58- What's wrong, Dad?
10:59You look a bit worried.
11:00- That's probably because I am worried, son.
11:04Oh, dear, I don't know.
11:07I haven't slept for ages.
11:09I feel so stressed out,
11:10that Yehudi Menuhin could play a symphony on me!
11:15- I'm gonna go and play football.
11:17- Yeah, all right.
11:18Don't forget what I said about dirty tackling.
11:21- Yeah, be first.
11:22- Good boy.
11:42(studio audience laughing)
11:51How's that creative writing course
11:53of yours coming on, Rodney?
11:55- Fine.
11:56- Good.
11:57'Cause I get worried about you, you know.
11:59Even though I've got bankruptcy
12:01looming over me,
12:02and my eminent eviction of course,
12:05but I lie awake at night worrying.
12:08I keep on thinking, I say to myself,
12:10"Is Rodney getting his commas in the right place?"
12:15- Alright, what's up with you?
12:17- What do you mean, what's up with me?
12:18I'll tell you what's up with me.
12:19Here I am, halfway down the gurgler
12:20with only my head above the waterline,
12:23and you're poncing around on your wife's laptop,
12:26wasting money on some mail order course.
12:28- I'm not pouncing around.
12:29And I'm not wasting money.
12:31I'm investing in our future.
12:33- What future?
12:35We've got all the prospects of a Toilet Duck!
12:38- And I'm trying to get us out of this situation
12:40by earning some serious money.
12:43Have you got any idea
12:44how much there is to be earned
12:45out of writing a book or a film?
12:47I don't suppose you've ever
12:48heard of the writer JK Rowling.
12:51- As a matter of fact, yes I have.
12:53He happens to be one of my most favorites.
12:56(studio audience laughing)
12:58- Yeah, right.
13:00JK Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books, right?
13:03And has earned over 70 million pounds.
13:06- 70 million?
13:08That'll do us, wouldn't it?
13:10- It could get us over the worst.
13:12- Yeah right, go on, then.
13:14- What?
13:15- Write one.
13:17- I can't write a Harry Potter book.
13:18It's copyrighted.
13:20- Oh no, don't worry about that.
13:21Just change a bit.
13:22No one will notice.
13:24Call it Harry Trotter.
13:25(studio audience laughing)
13:27- No.
13:29- Will you shut up, you tart?
13:32All you need is a couple of wizards
13:34and some little git with John Lennon glasses,
13:38and then we're off.
13:39We're at the races.
13:41- I can't write all that magic stuff.
13:43I'm more drawn to the stars of
13:45Michael Crichton and Thomas Harris.
13:46He wrote Silence Of The Lambs.
13:48- Oh, yeah?
13:49Hannibal the Cannonball?
13:51(studio audience laughing)
13:52- No, it's can.
13:54Yeah.
13:55Well, he's earned over $100 million.
13:58- 100 million?
14:00I know it's all big talk, you know, 70 million here,
14:03100 million there.
14:04- I know Rodney, you're entitled to talk big
14:07once you've been a millionaire like what we have.
14:12You know what this is, don't you, Rodney?
14:16Every time we get into trouble
14:18and I go down and have a little talk to mom,
14:20something turns up to save us.
14:24This is it.
14:26This is a sign.
14:28This is mom's doing.
14:30(studio audience laughing)
14:31Come on, Rodney.
14:33We're gonna come up with a film idea.
14:36Yeah.
14:37(studio audience laughing)
14:41- So I rang Mike in prison
14:44and we decided to turn this into a theme pub.
14:46- Good.
14:47- We decided on 1930s, pre-war London theme.
14:51- It's turned out well, isn't it?
14:53(studio audience laughing)
14:55- I ain't started yet.
14:57It's still at the consultation stage.
14:59- Let us know when it's finished.
15:02Raquel.
15:02Cassandra.
15:03What are you drinking?
15:04- Vodka and tonic, please, Trig.
15:06- Just an orange juice for me, please.
15:08Del and Rodney not here?
15:09- I ain't seen 'em all day, love.
15:12- Tell Del the prototype has hit a snag.
15:15- Right.
15:16- Me paraffin heater melted the chopsticks.
15:19(studio audience laughing)
15:20- Okay.
15:21- I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
15:24He'll understand.
15:25(studio audience laughing)
15:28- Right, what are they doing?
15:30-[Rodney] Who?
15:31- These people, you said, that landed
15:33on an uninhabited desert island
15:35in the middle of the Specific.
15:38- Right.
15:39They're scientists.
15:40Right. - Right.
15:41They've been sent there
15:42because of strange goings-on.
15:44- Like people getting killed?
15:45- Yeah.
15:46Disappearing strangely.
15:48- Right.
15:49This idea's getting betterer and betterer.
15:52- So then they get a jumbo jet,
15:54right, which is being flown by.
15:57I'm thinking Mel Gibson.
15:59- Mel Gibson?
16:00Yeah!
16:02He ain't got all that paint over his face,
16:04though has he?
16:05- No, no.
16:06- He's the leading scientist.
16:08- Right, okay.
16:11What's he doing flying the plane, then?
16:13- I dunno.
16:15We could say that in the past
16:18right, he was a pilot for.
16:21- Monarch.
16:22(studio audience laughing)
16:24- No.
16:25Something exciting.
16:27NASA.
16:28- NASA!
16:29Yes, sir, NASA.
16:30So Mel and his assistant.
16:33Right, 'cause I was thinking Julia Roberts.
16:36- Julia Roberts.
16:38Now you're talking like a mogul.
16:41So whilst they're out there doing
16:42all their scientific research and all that stuff,
16:46something in the jungle is watching them.
16:50- The monster.
16:52- Except it's not really a monster.
16:53- No? - No.
16:54'Cause what they don't know is, right,
16:56on this island
16:58are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.
17:01- Cor blimey.
17:02Well, you need that, don't ya?
17:03(studio audience laughing)
17:05Old Mel there, he's got his work cut out.
17:07Innit he?
17:08Doing all his research and trying to sort Julia out.
17:11(studio audience laughing)
17:13- So in the jungle right, there's all these cavemen.
17:16- Yeah, and women.
17:17And you know, the women.
17:19You know what I mean?
17:20'Cause serious film goers, they like a bit of that.
17:25I was thinking about.
17:27Liz Hurley and Jordan.
17:31- We'll talk about it.
17:32- And I bet these cavemen,
17:33they're killer cavemen, aren't they?
17:34- Yes!
17:35- Yes, yes.
17:36I can see, this is gonna be a blockbuster.
17:38It's called The Island Of Death.
17:43- We'll talk about that as well.
17:44(studio audience laughing)
17:46- Did you get the baby blues after Damien was born?
17:50- I had my moments, but not too bad.
17:52- I didn't get depressed after I had Tyler.
17:55Then again I was private.
17:56The doctors and the drugs
17:57are better than on the NHS.
18:00I didn't get post-natal depression at all, did I?
18:03- How would I know?
18:03You've been screaming and crying all your life.
18:07- Correction, only since I married you.
18:11It's our anniversary soon.
18:1334 years.
18:15God, they dig up fossils younger than that.
18:18(studio audience laughing)
18:20- Put a bit of make-up on 'em
18:21and I might fancy them more than you.
18:23(studio audience laughing)
18:26Mind you, she has her uses.
18:28If ever I have to draw a straight line
18:30and can't find a ruler, I just use her chest.
18:36- That is one horrible git.
18:41But he has got his nice side.
18:43Last month he took out a massive life insurance on me.
18:47- Really?
18:48Shows he cares.
18:50- Come on, Marlene.
18:51Let's go home and ignore each other for the evening.
18:58- Right, okay then.
19:00Where are they now?
19:01At the end of the runway.
19:02- Yeah.
19:03And they're just getting ready to take off
19:06when suddenly a big bird
19:09gets sucked into one of the engines.
19:11- Yes.
19:13I can see that, Rodney.
19:14That is drama.
19:15- Yeah.
19:16- I feel an Oscar coming on here.
19:20Who do you see playing the big bird?
19:22(studio audience laughing)
19:27Roseanne Barr, she ain't small, is she?
19:29(studio audience laughing)
19:31- No, no no.
19:32When I say big bird.
19:34- I know because I mean, if you got Roseanne Barr
19:36stuck in your engine, you'd know all about it.
19:38- No, no.
19:39I'm talking about an eagle or a coroment.
19:45A cornament.
19:47An eagle.
19:48- Oh, right.
19:50I see.
19:51Ah!
19:52No, no.
19:53Got it, Rodney.
19:54Listen, this is it.
19:55Listen to this.
19:56You see now, Mel.
19:58Right?
19:59His assistant is in the beginning played by Roseanne Barr.
20:03- I don't want Roseanne Barr.
20:04- No, listen to this,
20:05but when Mel pulls her out of the engine,
20:08she's in a right mess, ain't she, eh?
20:10- Del.
20:11Listen to me.
20:11- So this is, no, listen.
20:12This is when we find out
20:13that not only is Mel, right, a pilot
20:16and a science researchist,
20:19but he's also a plastic surgeon.
20:21- No.
20:22- And in the back of his airplane, right,
20:24he's got some of his old plastic surgeon tools.
20:27So he operates on her.
20:29- I don't want him operating on her.
20:31- You see, and then he turns her into Julia Roberts, right?
20:36And when she looks in the mirror
20:37and sees what he's done, she says,
20:39"Bloody hell, Mel, help yourself."
20:42(studio audience laughing)
20:45And that is your romance.
20:49- I'm not having Roseanne Barr's legs
20:50sticking out of one end
20:51of a jumbo jet's engine
20:52and Julia Roberts' head
20:54sticking out of the other end.
20:55(studio audience laughing)
21:01- Are you certain he said they'd meet us?
21:03- I'm positive.
21:06(studio audience laughing)
21:07Oh, my God.
21:09- Oh, no.
21:11Why do they do things like this?
21:13- As I've said to you before,
21:15women are from Venus, men are from Peckham.
21:19(studio audience laughing)
21:27- Let me carry that coffee for you.
21:29- Get off me, Rodney!
21:31I'm sorry,
21:31I know you're an attentive and committed man,
21:34but you're getting on my bloody nerves.
21:35(studio audience laughing)
21:37- Hormones, eh?
21:39- Yeah.
21:40I'm glad I ain't got none.
21:41(studio audience laughing)
21:43It's an answering machine.
21:44I hate them.
21:47Hello.
21:47Denzil, this is Delboy.
21:50Listen, I haven't been able to get hold of you
21:51for the last couple of weeks,
21:54I just wanted to let you know
21:55that I had a job for you worth 500 quid.
21:59I've had to let it go to someone else now.
22:02So I just wanted to let you know
22:04what a half-head I think you really are.
22:07Bonjour!
22:11- You'll never guess.
22:12- What?
22:13- I've just been talking to that woman
22:14who cleans for Boycie and Marlene.
22:17She says she hasn't seen
22:18sight or sound of Marlene for eight days now.
22:21- No.
22:22What do you think's happened?
22:23- I dunno.
22:24Strange, though.
22:25- I can't understand how Boycie and Marlene
22:27weren't divorced years ago.
22:29- Oh come on.
22:30Marlene will never divorce Boycie,
22:32she hates him too much.
22:35- You shouldn't laugh about it.
22:37Marital break-ups can be very damaging.
22:40Years ago, I did some work for the Samaritans.
22:43- What, you were actually on the phones?
22:44- Yeah.
22:45- Yes.
22:46Very successful he was, too.
22:48No one ever phoned back.
22:56- Del, have you seen Marlene recently?
22:58- No.
22:59I bumped into Boycie a couple of days ago.
23:01He just said she'd gone away.
23:02- Maybe he's murdered her!
23:04- Keep your nose out of this.
23:07- Do you think she's left him?
23:08- Well they were having quite a row in the pub.
23:10It got very nasty.
23:12He accused her of being flat-chested.
23:14- Oh come on, they're always having rows.
23:17- You haven't seen Denzil
23:18for a while either, have you?
23:21Maybe they've run off together.
23:23- Hark at him.
23:25Marlene has run off with Den
23:29zil.
23:34- Jane, half a lager and Del's usual.
23:37- Poison in the dining room.
23:39- Candlestick in the bedroom.
23:43- What are you playing, Cluedo?
23:44- No.
23:45It's called Whatever happened to Marlene?
23:48It's been 10 days now.
23:50- I reckon she's either run off with another bloke
23:52or Boycie's killed her
23:53and buried her in the garden.
23:55- Or she's spending the week at her sister's.
23:58- Spending the week a her sister's?
24:00You and your imagination, Rodney.
24:02- Do you remember
24:03the old Jolly Boys' outings we used to go on?
24:06- What, the beanos to Margate?
24:08Yeah, they were great.
24:09- We ain't had one of them in years.
24:11- No.
24:12After the last one
24:13the coach firms wouldn't do business with us.
24:16(studio audience laughing)
24:17But the other night,
24:18I was going through a couple of old boxes
24:20and I found this.
24:24It's the first Jolly Boys' outing.
24:26July 1960.
24:29There's Del, about 15.
24:32There's Trigger.
24:33Boycie, Denzil.
24:35- What a bunch of mongs.
24:36- Bloody hell.
24:38- They look stupid.
24:39- That was the fashion.
24:41There's your dad, Reg.
24:44- Oh, yeah.
24:45- There's your grandfather.
24:47There's me.
24:48- Blimey, Sid.
24:50You looked like an old git even in them days.
24:52(studio audience laughing)
24:54- Yeah.
24:56I haven't really aged.
24:57(studio audience laughing)
24:59- See you later, Rodney.
25:00I gotta go and get something to eat.
25:02- We do food here.
25:03- Yeah, I know, I've tried it before.
25:06- Fair enough.
25:07- Sid, can I borrow this to get a copy made?
25:10I'm gonna get it blown up
25:11and I'm gonna embarrass Del with it
25:13for the rest of his life.
25:14- I want it back, though. - Yeah, of course.
25:21- There you go.
25:22- Ta.
25:24Who are you smirking at?
25:26- Nothing.
25:28You all right, Trig?
25:29- Nothing to report.
25:30Waiting for the glue to dry.
25:32(studio audience laughing)
25:34- Mum's the word.
25:36- I hope you're gonna be around on Saturday night.
25:39It's a very special evening.
25:41- The brewery given us a new governor?
25:43- No.
25:44Somebody's booked the pub for a do
25:46and it's the first of my tribute nights.
25:50I've got a couple of young singers from Newcastle.
25:53They call themselves Lordy Geordie.
25:55(studio audience laughing)
25:57They do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
26:00(studio audience laughing)
26:03- Why?
26:07- I didn't ask.
26:10The first act on is a David Bowie tribute.
26:13A carpenter.
26:15Calls himself Ziggy Sawdust.
26:17(studio audience laughing)
26:21- Make a note of that, will you, Rodney.
26:22I can't miss this.
26:25- Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?
26:27(studio audience laughing)
26:31- I've been thinking,
26:32I've got a good idea for one of our films.
26:35- What's that?
26:37- You know, Denzil and Marlene running off together.
26:40These two people who've known each other since their teens
26:44and hid their passion for each other,
26:46and then when they reach middle age,
26:49they can't contain it no longer,
26:51so they rush into each other's arms.
26:54- This is Denzil and Marlene.
26:57- I know, we'll get someone nice, though, won't we?
27:00- I can't do romance all that romance stuff.
27:02I'm more into science fiction.
27:04- Yeah, I like all that as well, Dave.
27:08I mean, you think about space.
27:11It's everywhere, innit?
27:12(studio audience laughing)
27:15- You're right, you can't move for it.
27:16Can you?
27:18- I read something the other day
27:19that was very frightening.
27:20Scientists have just discovered
27:22this gigantic black hole,
27:23right on the very edge of our galaxy,
27:26and if our planet continues
27:28on its ever-widening orbit,
27:30then eventually, we'll be sucked into it and destroyed.
27:33- I'll make sure I'm out that day.
27:36- So when's this going to happen?
27:38(studio audience laughing)
27:41- They can't be too specific, can they?
27:43They can't all say Saturday 12th March
27:45at half past three, can they?
27:47- No, well they can give us an idea,
27:50give or take a fortnight.
27:52- Well, roughly.
27:54Within two to three hundred million years.
27:59(studio audience laughing)
28:00- We got time for a quick one, then?
28:02(studio audience laughing)
28:05- So what are they gonna do about it?
28:09- What are who gonna do about it?
28:12- The government.
28:14- Well, there's nothing.
28:16They're gonna send McAlpine's up
28:17with a spaceship full of bricks.
28:20- They'll need more than one.
28:22(studio audience laughing)
28:25- Del, I know you don't believe
28:27in all this UFO rubbish, but
28:29I've been sitting here looking out the window at the sky
28:33and I suddenly noticed a star.
28:36- It's night, Trig, it happens.
28:38Yeah, but this star suddenly disappeared
28:40just for a split second
28:41and then it came back again
28:43and then it disappeared
28:46and then it came back again.
28:48And then it disappeared
28:51and then it came back again.
28:55Do you think that's a close encounter?
28:59- No, it's called blinking.
29:01(studio audience laughing)
29:05- It's done it again, look.
29:08- No, missed it.
29:16There it goes!
29:17(studio audience laughing)
29:22- It's amazing, innit?
29:25- Dear God.
29:27(phone ringing)
29:30- Trotters Independent Traders.
29:34Yeah?
29:35Alright, thank you< we'll be right down there.
29:38It's the manager of the Sopranos Pizza Parlor.
29:42We've found Denzil.
29:44(people chattering)
29:52Hey, Denzil, me old mate.
29:55- All right, Del?
29:57Hi guys, hi, fellas.
29:58How's it going?
29:59- Yes.
30:00Fine.
30:02We were worried about you, me old mate.
30:04- Don't worry about me, I was just off.
30:06- No, you sit down, sit down.
30:08Let's have a little chinwag, eh?
30:17Is there anything you'd like to tell us?
30:21- We promise we won't be judgmental.
30:23These things happen.
30:25- Who told you?
30:27- Del worked it out.
30:29- Yeah, well,
30:30once Marlene went missing and so did you,
30:33you didn't have to be Jeremy Paxton
30:35to work out you'd run off together.
30:39- Run off with Marlene?
30:41Have you gone mad or what?
30:44- Where've you been, then?
30:45- Well if you must know, I've been in the hospital.
30:47- Hospital?
30:49Was there something wrong with you then?
30:50- Well yes, of course
30:51there was something wrong with me.
30:54- What?
30:57- I don't want to talk about it, Del.
31:00It's been with me for quite a while.
31:02I didn't say anything to you or the others because.
31:06I didn't want to admit it to myself.
31:09Finally, the doctor said
31:11I'd got to have the operation or.
31:16- Or what?
31:17(studio audience laughing)
31:19- Trigger, you don't need to ask that question.
31:22When a bloke says or, you know what he means.
31:26- What?
31:28(studio audience laughing)
31:30- Look, I've had the operation and I'm feeling better now.
31:34Its just that the specialist said
31:35it could always return, you know.
31:38I've just gotta live in hope.
31:42Look, let's get a drink.
31:44Four beers, please, over here.
31:48- I didn't spot you lot lurking over here.
31:50How's it all going, then?
31:52- All right. - All right.
31:53- You and me have got a mutual friend.
31:56That young nurse that was looking after ya,
31:58Jolene, I took her out for a couple of drinks.
32:00She told me all about your case.
32:02- I don't believe this.
32:04It's supposed to be confidential, Mickey!
32:06- Well like I said, she'd had a couple of drinks.
32:09I don't envy you at all, Denzil.
32:11My old granddad suffered with piles.
32:14(studio audience laughing)
32:18- Piles?
32:20- You've had piles?
32:22- Us worried sick about you
32:24and all you'd got was a touch of the Farmer Giles!
32:28- Not piles, Derek, super-piles.
32:32- All this fuss over a few hemorrhoids.
32:35- Hemorrhoids?
32:35They were more like asteroids.
32:37(studio audience laughing)
32:39Surgeon said it was keyhole surgery.
32:41Forgot to say it was the keyhole
32:43to the Tower of soddin' London!
32:46You wanna see what he's done to me.
32:48- No, thank you very much, Denzil.
32:49I'll just take your word for it.
32:53So what's all this about Marlene?
32:55- She's gone missing.
32:56Nobody's seen her for about a week.
32:58- We thought she was having an affair.
33:01- Funny you should say that, you know, because,
33:02I was in town two weeks ago
33:04and I saw Marlene talking to this fella.
33:06All dressed up, low-cut blouse,
33:09high heels, full make-up, the lot.
33:13- What does she see in a bloke like that?
33:14(studio audience laughing)
33:18- No, not the.
33:20He's talking about Marlene!
33:22You are talking about her, aren't you?
33:24- Yeah.
33:25- So maybe Boycie found out
33:27Marlene was having an affair.
33:30- And then he took out
33:31a very large life insurance policy on her.
33:41Hello, Boycie, we were just passing.
33:42We thought we'd pop in.
33:48- Well, you must appreciate I'm a very busy man,
33:51so what can I do for you?
33:54- A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.
33:57- So, how's Marlene these days?
34:00- She's fine.
34:01- It's just we haven't seen her around lately.
34:04- No.
34:06That's because she's been away.
34:10I'll put the kettle on.
34:15- He's done her in.
34:16- You don't know that.
34:18- What other explanation is there?
34:20- Maybe she's staying with friends.
34:22- Don't be stupid.
34:23She's been missing for over a week.
34:25Who the hell's gonna have
34:26Marlene in their house for a week?
34:27(studio audience laughing)
34:29You be observant.
34:30This could make a nice little film.
34:32- Look, we have got to be
34:33very careful about what we say.
34:35We could be making a terrible mistake
34:37and one wrong word
34:38could cause a lot of pain and distress.
34:40- Yes, you're right.
34:42Subtlety is the order of the day.
34:44- Absolutely.
34:51- Well?
34:52- Right, well, Boycie.
34:54I hope you won't take offense
34:56by what I'm about to say, but.
34:59Me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene
35:01and buried her in the garden.
35:03(studio audience laughing)
35:07- Beautiful, Derek.
35:10- How dare you?
35:12Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden?
35:14I have never been so insulted
35:16in all my life.
35:18You know how much I've spent on that garden.
35:19You think I'm gonna dig a hole in it?
35:20(studio audience laughing)
35:22- Oh, yeah.
35:24I never thought of that.
35:26So what have you done with her, then?
35:27- I have done nothing with her.
35:29She's upstairs.
35:32- See, she's upstairs.
35:33What else is there to say?
35:35- Dead or alive might help.
35:37(studio audience laughing)
35:40- Marlene and I will be down the pub tonight.
35:42Then you'll have proof, you need, inspector.
35:47Now, if you'll excuse me,
35:48I have business to attend to.
36:00- See you later, Marlene.
36:04- She's probably asleep.
36:07- Oh, yeah, oh yeah, right.
36:10See you later, Marlene!
36:11(studio audience laughing)
36:16- She's a deep sleeper.
36:18(studio audience laughing)
36:20She's dead to the world.
36:21(studio audience laughing)
36:24See you tonight, Boycie.
36:27Bonjour.
36:41♫ This is Ground Control to Major Tom
36:45♫ You've really made the grade
36:48♫ And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
36:55♫ Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
36:57(studio audience laughing)
37:02♫ This is Major Tom to Ground Control
37:06♫ I'm stepping through the door
37:09♫ And I'm floating in a most peculiar way.
37:14- What's all this, Sid?
37:16- I got the idea from that little Spanish place in Fulham.
37:19- That's tapas.
37:21This is.
37:22Well, it's not good, is it?
37:24- It's English tapas.
37:26- Does Mike know you're doing this?
37:28I mean, I know he's still inside, but it's still his pub.
37:31- Michael said, "Treat the pub as if it were your own."
37:34- That's just a figure of speech.
37:36If you stay at someone's house, they say
37:38treat it as your own.
37:39- Yeah, doesn't mean to say
37:40you take a sledge hammer to build a through lounge.
37:42- Look, there it is.
37:44Take it or leave it.
37:45- Thank God, we've got a choice.
37:50- Do you think Boycie will turn up?
37:52- No.
37:53Actually, I he's halfway across Europe by now.
37:56- Yeah.
37:57Grab the insurance money and run.
38:00(upbeat rock music)
38:14(applauding and whistling)
38:24- Good evening.
38:26I know what you've been saying about me,
38:28so I am here to prove you wrong.
38:31Would you all please greet my wife Marlene?
38:43- Good evening, everyone.
38:46- Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
38:47(studio audience laughing)
38:49- This cost me a bloody fortune up west.
38:51- You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
38:56- Tell him!
38:57- Ignore him.
38:59If I may, my dear?
39:04(studio audience laughing)
39:07(applauding)
39:10(exclaims in foreign language)
39:14- Got a feeling this is gonna cause trouble.
39:18- She'll have someone's eye out.
39:24♫ I hope for your touch
39:32- So that's where she's been
39:34for the last week or so,
39:35up town getting a boob job.
39:37- She has not had a boob job.
39:40- Leave it out, Boycie.
39:41You brought a firm in.
39:43- I have not brought a firm in.
39:45- Want me to call up Twickenham,
39:46and see if they've got a couple of balls missing.
39:48(studio audience laughing)
39:50- She has not had a boob job.
39:52That is all natural.
39:53- Really?
39:54Well she never used to have boobs
39:56as big as that.
39:57- How the bloody hell do you know?
40:01- You told me.
40:03- Oh, yeah.
40:04(studio audience laughing)
40:06We got a dress designer in
40:07who simply made the most of what was available.
40:09- Oh yeah, and who was the bloke
40:11that she was seen up town with the other week?
40:14- Oh that bloke?
40:15That bloke was.
40:17That bloke was.
40:21All right.
40:21That was her plastic surgeon.
40:23- Aha, now it comes out, eh?
40:26- I just thought it'd bring us closer together.
40:28- I'd have thought it'll have the opposite effect!
40:29(studio audience laughing)
40:32- Well I bloody well hope not.
40:33It was four grand a boob!
40:35- How much did that cost you, then?
40:37(studio audience laughing)
40:40- About eight grand, Trig.
40:42- Blimey!
40:50I feel sorry for her.
40:51Must be horrible going round
40:52with a couple of big boobies.
40:54- Raquel and I are used to it!
40:55(studio audience laughing)
40:59- Are they laughing at me?
41:01- No, they're just having a good time.
41:03- We'll see about that.
41:08- Raquel, I'm so glad you wore that dress again.
41:12It's always been one of my favorites.
41:14That reminds me, Boyce,
41:15we've got to collect the curtains from the cleaners.
41:19- Oh just listen!
41:20And her looking like one of those little women
41:22you put over toilet rolls.
41:24(studio audience laughing)
41:24- Did you hear what she said?
41:27- Yes.
41:28Now, be fair, Raquel.
41:30Marlene's made a big effort this evening.
41:32- You can see a struggle's taken place.
41:34(studio audience laughing)
41:36- She's been in that bedroom for hours.
41:38- Shut up!
41:39- What have I done now?
41:40I'm just trying to defend your honor.
41:43- Here now Boycoe, trying to defend Marlene's honor?
41:46What have you got in the garden shed?
41:47A time machine?
41:50- You're just jealous aren't you?
41:51Just because I can afford
41:52a bit of surgery for my 40th birthday.
41:55- 40th?
41:57When I first met you you were pushing 40.
41:59For the last few years you've been towing it!
42:02- Right, that's it!
42:04Raquel, get out of the pub, you're barred.
42:08- What are you talking about, Sid?
42:11- Eh?
42:12- No.
42:13Marlene, get out of the pub, you're barred.
42:15- I beg your pardon?
42:17- Get off home and take your foster tits with you.
42:21- Did you hear what he just said?
42:23- Yes.
42:25How dare you?
42:26Look, we'll finish our drinks and--
42:28- You will not finish them,
42:29you'll get out now.
42:31- Right.
42:32- Come along, Marlene.
42:33I've never been so insulted in my life.
42:39- Sid, far be it for me to interfere,
42:41but you're taking this landlord lark a bit too seriously.
42:45You're like Mussolini in a local Harvester.
42:47- I'm running this pub now.
42:50- I don't think I should have banned Boycie and Marlene.
42:53- Oh yes, and why is that?
42:54- Because it's their anniversary do.
42:57(studio audience laughing)
43:02- Excuse me!
43:04I am paying for all this.
43:06- Right.
43:07Drinks all round.
43:09(studio audience laughing)
43:13(clapping)
43:29- Raquel, where are you?
43:36- You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man!
43:40- Have I upset you, sweetheart?
43:41- I found that letter from the Official Receiver.
43:44- Oh, right.
43:45Yeah.
43:46I've come back home to talk to you about that.
43:47- You lied to me and to Rodney about those letters.
43:51- What letters?
43:56- All right, all right.
43:59These letters.
44:01- Cartwright, Cartwright & Cartwright, Solicitors of Law.
44:05Del, there must be 10 letters here.
44:07- I know, it looks worse than it is.
44:09- Yes, because half of them are Rodney's.
44:11- You've been hiding my personal correspondence?
44:14- I just wanted to take the pressure off you
44:17that was all, because you got Cassandra and the baby.
44:19- And you didn't tell me that this flat
44:21is being auctioned in 10 days time.
44:23- No, well you had all that ironing.
44:25(studio audience laughing)
44:29It's just been one bit of bad news after the other.
44:32I was just trying to protect you all.
44:34That was all.
44:35- You're just a control freak, Derek.
44:36To you other people don't matter, do they?.
44:38- That is not true, sweetheart.
44:40- You just step over them like they don't exist.
44:42And what do they do in return?
44:44They love you so much, they all try to help you.
44:46And you just throw it back in their faces.
44:48- Oh, they all try to help me, yeah?
44:50What was it that you wanted me to do?
44:52Ask Boycie for a loan.
44:54That's the same as joining the Moonies.
44:57Then I got Rodney here trying to write
44:59Freddie Krueger And The Chocolate Factory
45:01and Trigger back at his place,
45:02scratching his arse with a chopstick!
45:05(studio audience laughing)
45:06These people are supposed to help me?
45:09- You ungrateful sod.
45:13- At least I didn't suggest
45:14forming a Hollywood film company.
45:18- You're gonna wish you'd never said that, Rodney.
45:20- Just bringing up a pertinent point.
45:22- No, pal.
45:23That's more like bringing up a furball.
45:25- You were going to form a Hollywood film company?
45:29- You see, you see, you see?
45:30No, not me, him, Rodney, that's right.
45:32He wanted to make this film
45:34about an uninhabited desert island
45:36with a tribe of cavemen living on it.
45:38- How's it uninhabited, then?
45:40- I don't know.
45:41And then this jumbo jet lands
45:43with a load of other people on board.
45:45- A jumbo jet?
45:46Where's the runway come from?
45:48- Well, I don't know.
45:51- What's all this noise?
45:52- Oh Cassandra,
45:53you've got to hear the latest from these morons.
45:56They're going to make a Hollywood film.
45:58What was it, Del?
45:59They land on an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet.
46:03- Who do?
46:04- Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.
46:06It was his idea, he wanted Julia Roberts.
46:08- Yeah, but he wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.
46:10- How can you land a jumbo jet
46:11on an uninhabited island?
46:13Where's the runway come from?
46:16- Yeah, I dunno, ask him here.
46:18Cecil B Demented.
46:20(studio audience laughing)
46:26- I don't know.
46:27- You see?
46:28Maybe Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
46:30they knocked it up, didn't they?
46:32One weekend, eh?
46:33- And who was going to produce this masterpiece?
46:36As if I need ask.
46:37- Exactly.
46:38Alfred Stopcock here.
46:40(studio audience laughing)
46:42- So while we're worrying ourselves sick,
46:44these two are getting drunk
46:46and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.
46:48Aren't you just glad you made sacrifices for them?
46:51- Just listen to me, Raquel.
46:52- No, you listen to me, Derek.
46:55You've got to make contact with reality, Del.
46:57Everything with you is image.
47:00I saw you down in the pub last night.
47:01We're broke
47:02and you threw money around like Elton John.
47:05And instead of finding work,
47:06you prefer to sit in this, recycled council flat
47:09pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.
47:12And when we go out in the Capri,
47:13you insist on having the windows wound up,
47:15even in a heatwave, just to make other drivers
47:17think you've got air conditioning!
47:19(studio audience laughing)
47:21- I know I'm not perfect.
47:23- God!
47:23That is the understatement of the year!
47:26Unless a miracle happens, in 10 days' time,
47:29my son and I are going to be living
47:31in some flea bitten bed and breakfast
47:33in downtown Sodoffsville!
47:35- Alright, if it's a miracle you want, then I'm your man.
47:38Ain't I?
47:39I'm chairman of Miracles R Us.
47:41- You're a man, Del!
47:42You'll never understand.
47:44Just remember, only women bleed.
47:47- Cor blimey, only women bleed!
47:51Gordon Bennett!
47:55I am not a control freak.
47:58It's just that I have had no choice.
48:02Do you realize that when I was 16,
48:04my old man walked out and left me and Rodney
48:07in the care of our daft old granddad?
48:11He tried his best, but he wasn't up to it.
48:15So I had to take over and I've been doing it
48:18ever since and I can't get out of the habit.
48:25- I'm gonna have a lie-down.
48:37- All right?
48:40- Oh, yeah yeah, fine.
48:42Raquel and I have had a quiet little chat.
48:46- Yeah, I heard.
49:01You got somewhere to stay, you know after the auction?
49:05Trigger said I could doss down at his place.
49:08There's not much room, you know,
49:09what with all those X-File videos and chopsticks.
49:13(studio audience laughing)
49:15Oh, dear.
49:17Women.
49:18Do you know what Raquel said?
49:19She said only women bleed.
49:21Blimey!
49:22She ought to be outside the Nag's Head
49:24on a Saturday night.
49:26They reckon they're the only ones who suffer.
49:28They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.
49:31They worry about their PMT.
49:34Us men, we worry about.
49:37- Our MOT?
49:37- Yes.
49:39- Do they listen to us?
49:41- No, they don't.
49:42- No, they don't.
49:45She'll never meet another bloke like me, will she?
49:49- No, she won't.
49:52- That's it, Rodney, I mean that is it.
49:55Once the flat is auctioned
49:58we'll split up, we'll go our separate ways.
50:01I won't see her again.
50:02- Del, don't say that.
50:03- No, no no, that's it, Rodney
50:05She won't be able to get round me.
50:07'Cause, you know,
50:08when my mind is made up, my mind is made up!
50:13-[Raquel] Del?
50:16- Yes.
50:17- I just said I'm going for a lie-down.
50:23(studio audience laughing)
50:33- She's.
50:35She's all right really.
50:39She's lovely, isn't she, eh?
50:44- Yeah, she's lovely.
51:15(gentle rock music)
51:27-[Cassandra] You're not really with me tonight, are you?
51:30- Sorry, just thinking.
51:32- Look, I know you're worried about losing the flat,
51:35but my mom and dad said we're welcome there
51:37as long as we like.
51:39I know you and my mom don't.
51:40- Yeah, that's great, thanks.
51:45I can't eat.
51:47- Alright, what's wrong?
51:48- Nothing, I'm just not hungry.
51:51- Rodney, I refuse to have this baby till you tell me.
51:56- Take a look at this.
51:59It's the Jolly Boys' outing to Margate.
52:01July 1960.
52:03- This is great.
52:05Is that Del?
52:06Yeah.
52:0815.
52:09- And Trigger.
52:10Look at Trigger.
52:12- Keep looking.
52:13- That must be Boycie, those eyes.
52:16And Denzil, look at his hair!
52:19- Yeah.
52:21Keep looking.
52:22- There's your granddad.
52:24Ah.
52:25And there's you.
52:29Yeah, there's me.
52:32July 1960.
52:35Before I was born.
52:46- Well, where is everyone?
52:48-[Raquel] I'm in the bathroom.
52:49Dinner's in the oven.
52:51- All right.
53:08Dear, oh, dear.
53:13Bloody hell.
53:17-[Cassandra] So who is he?
53:20- He's my father.
53:22- But your father is.
53:24- My real father.
53:26My biological old man.
53:30I've had my suspicions for years.
53:33People tried to convince me
53:34it was my imagination.
53:39His name was Freddie the Frog.
53:42He'd been a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname.
53:46He and my mom were
53:48friends.
53:51- Are you absolutely certain?
53:53- Look at the photo, Cass.
53:56We don't need DNA with this one.
54:04- All right?
54:05What's the first name that springs to mind?
54:08(studio audience laughing)
54:08- Well.
54:10Rodney.
54:11- Exactly.
54:12Rodney.
54:15- Who is he?
54:19- His name was Freddie Robdal.
54:22He was a mate of my dad's.
54:25See my mom was having a rough time
54:27with the old man.
54:28He was very handy,
54:31if you know what I mean, with women.
54:33Not much cop when it came to men, but
54:35he was a real hard nut with women and kids.
54:39Anyway, one day my dad brought this
54:41Freddie Robdal home and him and my mom
54:43well, they got on like a house on fire, didn't they.
54:45You know, they had the same taste in music and.
54:49Well, everything.
54:51- And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?
54:54- He was a gentleman safe-cracker.
54:57They called him the Raffles of Peckham.
55:00People have mentioned him before
55:02and we sounded similar.
55:05He was a connoisseur of fine wines,
55:07a gourmet of international cuisine,
55:10a real snappy dresser, big-time charmer.
55:13- So how are you similar?
55:19- We're about the same height.
55:22- So where's Freddie the Frog or Daddy now?
55:26- He's dead.
55:28Back in '64, he was breaking into a safe
55:30and he sat on the detonator.
55:33- He sat on the detonator?
55:35Why?
55:37- I think it's what's known,
55:38in the underworld, as an accident.
55:40(studio audience laughing)
55:45- And you've known all these years?
55:47- No.
55:49At least, not when Rodney was a baby.
55:53When you get to 20
55:54and your six-year-old brother is taller than you are,
55:56it makes you think.
56:00I never knew really who he was.
56:03As a youngster,
56:04I was told to call him Uncle Fred.
56:07And then one night, a few years back,
56:09Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do.
56:12It was a wet corset contest.
56:15(studio audience laughing)
56:18Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mom.
56:27I don't know if you noticed,
56:30but there are no photographs of my mom in this house,
56:33except for a couple of close-ups that I gave to Rodney.
56:37- Well yeah, but I assumed your dad
56:38had taken them when he left.
56:40- No, that's the thing though,
56:42he only used to take money
56:43and things that he could sell.
56:46Then Uncle Albert told me.
56:49It was my Aunt Rene who dealt with it
56:53just after mom's funeral.
56:56You see every photograph in this house
56:59had a picture of Freddie Robdal in it.
57:02My Aunt Rene knew that as Rodney got older,
57:05people would see the stimularities.
57:10So she took 'em out and burnt 'em.
57:13- Do you think Rodney knows?
57:16- Well he's never been very observant, has he?
57:20Nah.
57:21He ain't got a clue.
57:24- Do you think Del knows anything about all this?
57:28- He would have said.
57:29- Are you gonna tell him?
57:31- No.
57:34It'd break his heart.
57:40-[Raquel] Will you say anything to Rodney?
57:43- I can't.
57:46It'd break his heart.
58:02- Who have we got to see?
58:04- Cartwright.
58:05(studio audience laughing)
58:07- What do you think he wants?
58:09You've asked me that a hundred times
58:11and a hundred times I've said I don't bloody know.
58:15- Well, think hard, Derek.
58:16- We don't want to go in there unarmed.
58:19If we know what you did,
58:20then we can have our excuses ready.
58:23- I've done nothing but think.
58:26All I know is that every business decision,
58:28every tactical move that I've ever made,
58:31we've already been done for.
58:32(studio audience laughing)
58:34It's probably nothing.
58:38- Del, solicitors don't send you 10 letters
58:40for nothing.
58:41No, this is something
58:43and my instincts say it's something bad.
58:49We're gonna go to prison, aren't we?
58:50- Shut up, you tart, we're not gonna go to prison.
58:53- Cassandra's going to be bringing my baby
58:55to visit me in Wormwood Scrubs.
58:58And you know the fun and games
58:59they get up to in prison, don't ya?
59:02You can guarantee I'm gonna be a prime target.
59:07- Well I hope they put us in separate cells,
59:10you depressing git.
59:12- How do you expect me to feel?
59:14In a few weeks I could be someone's bitch!
59:17(studio audience laughing)
59:19- Some great big ugly geezer's
59:21gonna choose me to be his special friend.
59:25- All you've got to say is,
59:27"Oi, none of that."
59:28(studio audience laughing)
59:30- He'll say, "I'll look after you, Rodney."
59:32He'll lend me his Rolling Stones CD
59:34and then we'll be engaged.
59:37- At least we'll have a party, then.
59:38Won't we?
59:41- I'm gonna ask to be put in solitary confinement.
59:44- No no no, don't do that.
59:45Because you don't want a reputation as a tease.
59:48(studio audience laughing)
59:51-[Rodney] You're enjoying this, aren't ya.
59:53- No, look, just listen to me, will you, dopey.
59:56The lawyer has asked us to come in here
59:58and have a little chat, ain't he?
60:00And this, whatever it is, is a civil matter.
60:02You only go to prison for a criminal offense.
60:07That means a police prosecution.
60:09Do you see any Mr. Plods around here?
60:13- Yes.
60:14I'm so stupid.
60:16I just let my imagination run away with itself.
60:22But if the worst comes to the worst.
60:25- All right.
60:26I'll go in the showers first.
60:27(studio audience laughing)
60:35- Del, I've been doing a bit of thinking lately.
60:38You know that photo that Sid lent me.
60:43- Gentlemen?
60:44Mr. Cartwright will see you now.
60:59- Ah, gentlemen, please take a seat.
61:02So
61:03at last we meet.
61:05You two have proved very elusive.
61:08I've been writing to you for three months now
61:09and not one word of reply.
61:11- Yes, sorry about that, we've been busy.
61:14- We've had a few problems recently.
61:17- Yes, I heard.
61:18I took the liberty of speaking to your solicitor.
61:20He related a tale of woe to me.
61:23- The international stock market
61:25can be a fickle thing.
61:28- No.
61:29I was referring to his unpaid bill.
61:31Oh.
61:33We were discussing that
61:34out in your waiting room.
61:36It's in the post.
61:37- Yes, I'm sure.
61:39Let's attend to the matter at hand.
61:40- Look, can't you just cut to the chase
61:42and tell us the worst?
61:44- Yes, you tell us what you're suing us for
61:46and we'll tell you why we can't pay.
61:48(studio audience laughing)
61:50- Mr. Trotter, you seem to be
61:51under entirely the wrong impression.
61:53Did you not read any of my letters?
61:55I said I had something that may be of interest to you.
61:58My firm acted as solicitors for your great-uncle,
62:01Albert Gladstone Trotter.
62:03- Oh, no.
62:05All right.
62:07What did he do?
62:10- Nothing, as far as I know.
62:12This is a reading of his last will and testament.
62:16- Albert left a will?
62:17- Indeed. - He didn't have nothing.
62:19- Well, not quite.
62:21I understand that, when you came into your fortune,
62:23you made Albert a very generous gift.
62:26- Yeah, we saw that he was all right.
62:29But that would be six years ago.
62:34He's probably blown all that.
62:36- Not entirely.
62:38As you know, Albert lived a very simple life.
62:41He didn't buy properties or Rolls-Royces,
62:44didn't care for Caribbean holidays
62:45or Hawaiian cruises.
62:48He simply invested your gift,
62:50and with respect,
62:51in a far more stable area than you managed to.
62:54All his investments were blue-chip,
62:55not very exciting, but stable,
62:57and bringing in a small but regular interest.
63:01Anyway, he's left his entire estate to you.
63:04Now, before I do the legal reading,
63:06let's, as you say, cut to the chase.
63:08After death duties,
63:09he has left you the sum of 145,000 pounds
63:15(studio audience laughing)
63:19each.
63:21(studio audience laughing)
63:24(phone ringing)
63:31- Yes, hello?
63:33Raquel.
63:33Raquel!
63:35You'll never guess, we're saved.
63:36It was all about Uncle Albert and his will.
63:42We're on our way.
63:44(intense instrumental music)
63:46She's in delivery room 10.
63:49- I don't know if I can face this.
63:50- Of course you can, Rodney.
63:52You gotta be there for the birth.
63:54Otherwise you'll never forgive yourself.
63:56- No, you're right.
63:58- Here y'are.
64:00This is it, this is it.
64:02Give us your coat, give us your coat.
64:04That's it, good boy, good boy, right.
64:07Go on, then.
64:17Oh, bloody hell.
64:20-[Rodney] I'm sorry.
64:21(studio audience laughing)
64:25- What are you playing at?
64:26My wife's in there having a baby,
64:28you just wander in for a look?
64:30- It weren't like that.
64:31I'm sorry.
64:33- Bleedin' perv!
64:40- It was room 16, not 10.
64:43- I nearly got a punch on the nose.
64:46- Shut up, you tart.
64:47Come on.
64:48(studio audience laughing)
64:53- Rodney.
64:54-[Rodney] I gotta be there for the birth.
64:55- You can't be there for the birth.
64:58- What?
65:01- They've had to give Cassandra
65:03a Caesarean section.
65:05- What's happened to my baby?
65:06- The baby's already been delivered.
65:09Mother and child are fine.
65:17- Mr. Trotter?
65:24(gentle instrumental music)
65:36- Are you all right, sweetheart?
65:38- I've never felt better in all my life.
65:42- She's a love, isn't she?
65:57Well.
65:59What do you reckon?
66:03- She's like a work of art.
66:07- Yeah.
66:09Lovely jubbly.
66:33- What are you gonna call her?
66:36- I don't know yet.
66:39Me and Cass had this agreement.
66:42If it was a boy, she'd name him.
66:44- If it was a girl, I could name her.
66:48- You're not going to hold me to that, are you?
66:52- Oh, yeah.
67:12- What were you saying on the phone
67:14about Uncle Albert and the will?
67:17- Oh, I'll explain it all later.
67:20All I'm gonna tell you is the auctioneers
67:22can go and stuff themselves because we are staying put.
67:36- Del.
67:54-[Del] A work of art.
67:59Yes, you are.
68:30- Did you love him?
68:32Did he love you?
68:36I hope he made you happy.
68:38You know, a few laughs.
68:44I've got two photos of you.
68:47But that's it.
68:50That's my past.
68:52My history is two photos.
68:55One of them's blurred.
68:58Don't matter.
69:05I hope she'll be as lovely as you.
69:08Well, she will.
69:14I wish I'd known you.
69:17I wish we'd had.
69:20Well, you know, something to.
69:23(car approaching)
69:26Just something.
69:37If you bump into Uncle Albert, say thanks.
69:45- There you are, Rodney.
69:47I wondered where you was, I've been looking for you.
69:50- I just thought I'd take her out for a little walk.
69:53Did a bit of tidying up.
69:57- She's a little heartbreaker, eh?
70:02Have you got a name for her yet?
70:22(gentle instrumental music)
70:30-[Del] Joan.
70:31Do you like your name?
70:37- Del, can I ask you a question?
70:41- What's that?
70:46- Other than looks, was he like me in any way?
70:52- Who?
70:53- You know who.
70:55Freddie Robdal.
70:58My father.
71:02- Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar.
71:07He was disloyal to his friends.
71:09He was a womanizer,
71:11a home-breaker, a con man,
71:13a thief, a liar and a cheat.
71:18So, no, Rodney, you're nothing like him.
71:26Come on.
71:27Let's go home, bruv.
71:42(upbeat instrumental music)
71:46Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
71:48-[Rodney] Yeah, fire away.
71:50-[Del] Where did that runway come from?
71:53(laughing)
71:56-[Rodney] I don't fancy making that film any more.
71:59-[Del] You know what, Rodders?
72:01That's a bloody good idea.
72:02(laughing)
72:09♫ We've got some half-price cracked ice
72:11♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
72:12♫ TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
72:15♫ Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push
72:18♫ Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
72:20♫ From a mush in Shepherd's Bush
72:22♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
72:25♫ No income tax, no VAT
72:27♫ No money back, no guarantee
72:31♫ Black or white, rich or broke
72:34♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
72:38♫ God bless Hooky Street
72:42♫ Viva Hooky Street
72:45♫ Long live Hooky Street
72:47♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
72:51♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street
72:55♫ Hooky Street
72:58♫ Hooky Street
73:01♫ Hooky Street
73:05♫ Hooky Street