Only Fools and Horses S01E01 — Big Brother

Every line from “Big Brother” (395 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:44That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he, Rodney?
00:48He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
00:52Yeah. Knock-out, Grandad.
00:55Sidney Potter?
00:56Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.
01:02Sidney Poitier.
01:04-Sidney Potter. -It's Poitier!
01:07-It's Potter! -It's bloody Poitier, I tell ya!
01:10-And I'm telling you it's bloody Potter! -At it again, are you?
01:14Del, how do you pronounce that bloke's name? Poitier or Potter?
01:19Personally, I pronounce it Harry Belafonte but please yourselves.
01:24You daft old sod. It was Harry Belafonte all along!
01:28Well, I wondered why Sidney Potter kept bursting into song!
01:32I don't like Harry Belafonte.
01:35EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH
01:37What an enigma! I get better looking every day! I can't wait for tomorrow!
01:42GROANS I think I've got something incurable.
01:49Still, never mind, eh? Rodney, we've a meeting at 12:00. What are you doing now?
01:54Our accounts.
01:56You're keeping accounts now?
01:59See, Grandad? People said I was a right dipstick to making my brother a business partner.
02:06This proves how bloody right they were!
02:09You dozy little twonk, Rodney!
02:12This is prime evidence, ain't it?
02:14The tax man gets hold of that, they'll put us away for three years!
02:17If a tax-man comes, I'll eat it.
02:19It's the only way I can keep a check on you.
02:21I'm sure you're cheating me. I just have to figure out how.
02:24Cheating you? What's that rumbling noise?
02:29I didn't hear nothing.
02:30-It's just Mum turning in her grave. -Don't start that again, Del!
02:35It's obvious you're stitching me up.
02:37You have three or four changes of clothes a day! Me, I've got one suit from an Almost New shop!
02:42It's embarrassing!
02:44I embarrass you, do I? You're the one to talk!
02:49You've been nothing but an embarrassment to me since the moment you was born!
02:53You couldn't be normal and come along two or three years after me!
02:58You had to wait 13 years!
03:00While the other Mods were having punch-ups at Southend and going to Who concerts, I was babysitting!
03:09I had Ostermilk stains on my Ben Shermans!
03:13I used to find rusks in my Hush Puppies!
03:17I couldn't help when I was born.
03:19There you go. Always an excuse, eh? And what about poor Mum?
03:25She was 39 when she had you.
03:28For the first months of her pregnancy you were treated as an ulcer!
03:33To this day, I think the original diagnosis was correct.
03:39Look! Eh, come on. What sort of bloke do you think I am? Cheat my own brother?
03:46Come on, Rodney, I told you before, we split everything straight down the middle. Sixty-forty.
03:54Yeah, well... Explain this, then. How do we pay the light, gas and rent?
04:00Take last week at the auction, right? We bought a gross of disposable lighters, a Space Invaders game,
04:06two facial saunas, five water damages sleeping bags, and a moon-roof for a Peugeot, right?
04:11We swapped the lot for a load of one-legged turkeys!
04:14-It was not one-legged turkeys. They were damaged turkeys! -With how many legs?
04:19I'm in no mood for trick questions!
04:22-You left out the VAT. -We don't pay VAT!
04:25But we collect it, don't we?
04:27All right, Rodney, all right! So we don't pay VAT.
04:31We don't pay income tax or National Insurance.
04:34On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit, do we? Eh?
04:41The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give them nothing!
04:46-What're you complaining about? -I'm 23! I'd like some sort of a career!
04:51You're self-unemployed. That's a career, innit?
04:54Selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street? I want something better than that, Del.
04:58All right. All right.
05:00In future you can do Regent Street. Come on!
05:04SARCASTICALLY Cheers.
05:07And it's Poitier.
05:08-Potter. -It's Poitier!
05:10MOUTHS Potter.
05:15-Hello, Del! -Hello, darlin'! All right? Good.
05:22Do you realise? We've always had something missing.
05:25We were motherless, fatherless... Now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheeled van!
05:31-Little acorns. -You got one of them missing as well?
05:33No. Marks and Spencer started with a barrow.
05:36-At least they had four wheels! -Give it a rest!
05:39-Morning, Del Boy. -Bonjour, Joycie!
05:42Two half-pints of low-carbohydrate beer, thank you.
05:45-In glasses? -Yes, or it dribbles through your fingers.
05:50I mean in glasses or jugs!
05:53As long as it's served out of your fair hands, we'd drink it out of Evonne Goolagong's old tennis boo
05:59All right?
06:02Charm like laser beams, Rodney. It knocks 'em bandy.
06:06Yeah. It's your ready wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds.
06:09Yeah. I suppose I am full of the old belle esprit, really, aren't I?
06:13Actually, I quite like old Joycie.
06:15I know she's a bit of an old dog, but...
06:18But I like old dogs. You always know where you are with them. They never ask if you still respect the
06:25They'll always lend you a nicker for petrol.
06:28SIGHS
06:29I like this life, Rodders. Duckin' and divin'. Wheelin' and dealin'. It's exciting and unpredictable.
06:36In this game, you can go out with 50 pence in your pocket...
06:40-And come home skint. -Exactly.
06:44I'm thinking of getting a job, Del.
06:47Eh? What chance have you got of getting a job?
06:51Do leave it out! Did you hear that, Joycie? He's thinking of getting a job!
06:55A job, eh?
06:57I got GCEs and I took a year's course at the art college in Basingstoke!
07:02I know you took a year's course, but you got expelled after three weeks!
07:06The Board of Governors inspected and found you with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh,
07:12-in bed with a Chinese tart! -She was not a Chinese tart.
07:16Well, Japanese, then.
07:19Supposing you got an interview. What are you going to say?
07:24"Yes, sir, I've got qualifications. Two GCEs, an 18-month suspended sentence,
07:29"and I know a good joint when I puff one."
07:34No, your feet won't touch, bruv!
07:36No, I'm afraid not, Rodney. At the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.
07:43Society has put you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar
07:48to grow moss, be forgotten about.
07:55Still, vive la France, as they say in Rome! No need to get depressed!
08:00Me, depressed? Of course not, Del. I'm on top of the world! I feel like a born-again eunuch!
08:07I think I'll apply for a mail-order course with Exit!
08:11That's a good idea! Never say die!
08:16Ah, there he is! Oi! Trigger! You know my brother, don't you?
08:20'Course I do! How's it going, Dave?
08:22Sorry I'm late. I had to pop round my sister's to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.
08:27-Oi, Joycie! -Del. Del.
08:30-What? -Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?
08:33No! It's 'cause he looks like a horse.
08:37Listen, me and Trigger have got business to discuss, know what I mean?
08:42So get the drinks and meet us back here, all right?
08:45Oh, yes, sir! Anything you say, sir! Borrow me daughter, sir?
08:53Very clever kid, my brother.
08:56He's got GCEs in Maths and Art. You got to see him when he writes a letter, some of the words he uses
09:02-Long ones? -Like that, you know, some of them!
09:05-Anyway, what're you selling? -This.
09:08I got 24 more in the car.
09:11I didn't wrap it up, 'cause parcels always attract attention.
09:14Best to carry it openly, then it don't look conspishus.
09:19Yeah... Good thinking, Trig. Really good. It goes so well with your sling-back Wellingtons
09:25and your donkey jacket. You look like an executive hod-carrier.
09:31Rodders, what do you think? Infra-dig, innit?
09:35It's plastic!
09:37Plastic! It's Old English vinyl!
09:43Combination locks. Dinky handle... Might be able to shift a few down the old squash club.
09:50The police are probably looking for them right now.
09:55Are the police after these, Trig?
09:57-No, Del! -Then why are you hiding it?
10:02In case they start looking!
10:05-Leave 'em, Del! -Shh. Shtoom, right?
10:08We're partners! At least respect my opinion!
10:11I do! I do! How much?
10:15For you, Del Boy, £17 each.
10:20You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed!
10:26-All right, then. £14. -Fourteen? Leave it out!
10:31-Five. -Twelve.
10:34-Six. -Ten.
10:35-Nine. -Eight.
10:37Done!
10:39That's the way to do business, Dave.
10:41-Right. That's 8 times 25 equals £175. -Two hundred.
10:49-No, no, the calculator says 175. -But he's got GCEs in Maths and Art.
10:55So? So he can paint by numbers!
11:00This is a calculator, know what I mean?
11:03You can't argue with a calculator!
11:06-Give it here! -Rodney.
11:0825 times 8 equals... 200! See?
11:14I must've got my finger stuck on the button!
11:19-Pianist's fingers, Del. -Yeah. Look after them. They break easily!
11:30You gotta see 'em to believe 'em, Spiros. Eh?
11:35I don't know. Oi, Grandad! Where were they made?
11:39It don't say. There's some Chinese writing on 'em, though.
11:43Shh! It don't say the maker's name, Spiros. The best ones never do.
11:50-How's it going? -That's the 15th.
11:53-Briefcase he's sold? -Phone call he's made.
11:56Get them while you can, Spiros. I've only got 25 left.
12:02This is a cheeseburger! I asked for an emperor burger!
12:06-I couldn't afford an emperor burger. -He got me a cheeseburger!
12:10-What? -I asked for an emperor burger and he brings a cheeseburger!
12:15Hang on, Spiros! What's going on?
12:19I couldn't afford to get him an emperor burger!
12:23I'm trying to do a deal here! Now, shut up, will you?
12:27No, no, not you Spiros!
12:30Now, how many briefcases can I put you down for, eh?
12:35None. Right. All right. See you around.
12:40-I told you to chuck them cases in the river! -In the river?
12:46That's our profit you're talking about! What do you think this is? A nationalised industry?
12:50He knows I hate cheese!
12:53Shut up about your cheeseburger!
12:55Ah! Dougie Sadler! He owns the stationer's in the High Street!
13:01I dunno why he bothers!
13:03He's a trier! Your dad always said Del Boy would reach the top.
13:08There again, he also said that one day Millwall would win the cup.
13:14Hello, Dougie? Del Boy! How are you, pal? Good. Family? Super!
13:21Dougie, look, I'm phoning about some briefcases.
13:26Yeah? Cor! What a choker!
13:31Twenty five of them nicked from his shop last week.
13:33Oh, God!
13:35No, no, I'm not trying to sell any! No, I wanted to buy some!
13:40I've got this contact in the, em...stock exchange.
13:44By the way, Dougie, old pal...
13:47What were you asking for them? What d'you mean they were rejects?
13:51Oh, beautiful! We bought a consignment of rejects.
13:54Shh! What was wrong with them?
13:57Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Who'd be daft enough to nick them, eh?
14:03Who'd be stupid enough to buy 'em?
14:10I'll pop down next week when you've got some more in. Bye-bye, Doug.
14:17-God's truth. -All right.
14:20-What's wrong with them? -Open one.
14:24-What's the combination? -No sod knows! That's why they're rejects!
14:31There must be a bit of paper with 'em, giving the combination.
14:34There is! Inside the briefcase!
14:38A cock-up at the factory.
14:40Nice going. You've bought 25 briefcases that can only be opened by safe-crackers.
14:48This makes the one-legged turkey deal look shrewd!
14:51All right! That's the way I'm made! Take risks! He who dares wins!
14:58The French have a word for people like me!
15:01The English have a few good ones!
15:04I told you not to touch 'em!
15:08-It's nothing to do with you! -We're partners, ain't we?
15:12Oh... Oh, I see! The truth's coming out now!
15:17Come on, Del! How do you see our respective roles in this partnership?
15:23I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts and money
15:27and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van! Any objection?
15:32Yes! With my qualifications, I see myself as a financial advisor!
15:39Financial advisor? Bonjour, Trieste!
15:44You are beautiful, you are, Rodney!
15:47Today, I just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175,
15:53when my "advisor" stuck his nose in and "advised" me to pay £200! Eh?
16:00My advisor then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river!
16:07With financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?
16:12What kind of financial advisor goes out to buy an emperor burger and comes back with a cheeseburger?
16:19Will you stop going on about that ruddy cheeseburger?
16:23-Eat it. -Get off him!
16:26It's against the law to force-feed a senior citizen! He hates cheese!
16:30-Why'd you buy it? -It's all I could afford! You make my life a misery!
16:36What was that about me making your life a misery?
16:41Yeah. Well... You do, Del, with your overbearing, overprotective manner!
17:04Let me remind you, Rodney, you were a 6-year-old little nipper
17:10when God smiled on Mum and made her die.
17:13Two months later Dad left us to fend for ourselves.
17:18It was me that kept us together!
17:22Nothing to do with Grandad, an out-of-work lamplighter waiting for gas to make a comeback!
17:30I grafted 19, 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table!
17:35OK, it wasn't always double-legal but you ate the finest food going!
17:39What, TV dinners and convenience foods that were frozen or dehydrated?
17:46If you'd been in charge of the Last Supper, it would have been a takeaway!
17:53Well, anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!
18:00Del...
18:04Look, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful.
18:07I don't want your gratitude! Ungrateful little git!
18:14I dunno... Sometimes I hesitate to admit you're my brother.
18:19Well, I always say I'm your social worker!
18:22Would you tell me what it is that's made your life a misery?
18:27You always treated me like a child. I was the only sixth-former who wore short trousers!
18:34Well, I got 'em cheap, didn't I?
18:36I was 15, Del! I was growing hairs and things!
18:40And you never let me do anything on my own, do you?
18:46You even had to help me study for my GCEs.
18:49-You passed in two subjects! -I failed in the other eight!
18:54You embarrass me, that's why I can never bring women home.
18:57You know some women, do ya?
19:00The only bird I've heard of is Shanghai Lil at the art college.
19:05Even then, you had to drug her before you got your leg over!
19:09-No, I didn't! -Didn't drug her or didn't get your leg over?
19:15You're suffocating me! I'm leaving! I'll prove I can survive on my own!
19:22I'm going to the pub.
19:23To prove you can survive on your own?
19:25No! To get legless! I don't need you no more, Del!
19:31DOOR SLAMS
19:44Del... Er...
19:46I was just...wondering...
19:50Thank you.
19:59He's very much like you, Grandad.
20:01What, dignified in defeat?
20:04No. A ponce!
20:10No, these can't be the ones they're looking for. I wouldn't do that to a mate, would I?
20:17Don't you say nothing to him! You can't trust the Old Bill!
20:21Remember when they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom?
20:26Yeah...
20:28OK, bye.
20:30FOOTSTEPS
20:32Rodney?
20:34Where was you early this morning?
20:36Trying to flog these!
20:38Did you call Rodney?
20:40No, I let him lie in. Is he still in bed?
20:44-No. He's gone. -Gone?
20:47Packed his rucksack and gone.
20:51-Gone where? -Hong Kong.
20:54Hong Kong? What do you mean?
20:57Hong Kong. It's in China.
20:59I know where it is! But what's Rodney doing there?
21:03Hitch-hiking to visit that bird from art college.
21:07Shanghai Lil? But she's in Basingstoke!
21:11Not now! She got deported after the drugs trial!
21:17Here, just a minute...
21:19What did you do, say, or cook to make him go?
21:23It was that row you had! He's gone to prove himself!
21:28Prove himself. Nah! It's just one of Rodney's little games! Huh!
21:36He'll never reach Hong Kong. He has trouble finding Clapham!
21:40He seemed very determined.
21:41-Didn't you do anything? -Well, yeah! I made him some sandwiches.
21:47And he took them? Blimey! This is worse than I thought!
21:52Oh, wait a minute! He ain't got no money!
21:56He took his post office book. Can't you go and search for him?
22:01He's been gone for seven hours. He can't be any further than France.
22:06-Oh, we've got him cornered then. -Ring up Interpol.
22:10I'd get more joy from Interflora!
22:14He might be in danger! You can explain to them what Rodney's like!
22:18I don't know French for "pranny"!
22:22Hong Kong! I mean...Hong Kong!
22:26Why didn't he tell me where he was going?
22:30He could have taken these bleeding things back with him!
22:35JAZZY MUSIC
22:43NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE
24:07COMPUTER: A2 F2. Enter. Illegal move.
24:16A2 B2. Enter. Illegal move.
24:22This thing still ain't working!
24:24That's 'cause you're play draughts on it. It's a talking chess game.
24:27You can't play draughts on it.
24:30Why not?
24:31'Cause it's chess! You've already blown the microchip twice huffing the rook and what have you.
24:39It's supposed to have an electronic brain.
24:43It has got one!
24:45But it didn't know it was gonna fall into the hands of an old duffer who wanted to play draughts!
24:51But I can't play chess. Why don't they invent talking draughts?
24:56'Cause you'd probably want to play bloody Ludo on it!
25:06Del Boy.
25:08Hi, Rodney.
25:09Rodney's back, Del! Look! He's here!
25:14Are you hungry, Rodney?
25:16Starving! I haven't eaten for two days!
25:19Shall I cook you something?
25:20No, no! Um...cup of tea, perhaps.
25:28The old place don't change much.
25:31No. Same as ever.
25:36It's really good to be back, Del!
25:48Aren't you overdoing it? You've only been gone six days.
25:52-It may have been six days, but to me it seemed more like... -A week?
25:57Hmm.
25:58How far did you get?
26:02South of France. St Tropez.
26:04-Ohh! Very mal de mer! -COMPUTER: Problem.
26:08-Very hot. -What are the birds like?
26:11Oh. Uh...mostly French.
26:15I met one English girl. Veronica.
26:18Her father's a millionaire tax-exile.
26:21Tax-exile!
26:22COMPUTER: Illegal.
26:25Had a boat, had he, in the bay?
26:27A yacht, yeah. They invited me for dinner. I didn't go, though.
26:33Still had Grandad's sandwiches?
26:37No! No, that night I packed my bags and headed home.
26:41-I was homesick, see. I...I missed that. -You're joking.
26:47The only people who ever missed that are the Luftwaffe.
26:51It may not be much to you, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty. I've got artist's eyes.
26:57Artist's eyes, pianist's fingers, Italian footballer's legs. You should get a disability allowance.
27:05I know you'll never understand,
27:07but you've got to suffer paradise before you realise what you left behind.
27:12Your home, your family...
27:14-Your passport. -Your passport.
27:20You knew! You let me go through all that! Where did you find it?
27:27Top of your cupboard.
27:28We were expecting the gendarmes, so I checked your room in case you had any exotic tobacco lying about
27:35I knew it was just a moody! Just one of your little games.
27:40Must be wonderful to always be right.
27:45It is a bit embarrassing at times.
27:47And, Rodney, you said I'd never get rid of them briefcases.
27:52And you did, didn't you, Del?
27:54Yes! Chucked the bleedin' lot in the river!
27:59No! You threw 'em in the river?
28:02Yup. They floated. That was a bit unforeseen.
28:08Probably rounding Tilbury about now.
28:13LAUGHS 200 quid down the Swanee, eh? Or in this case, the Thames!
28:18DEL SCOFFS
28:19St Tropez. How far did you really get?
28:25The Shangri-La doss house, Stoke Newington.
28:28Shared a room with some cholera cultures.
28:30COMPUTER: Your move.
28:42Well, what do you fancy? Shall we go down the pub and act stupid,
28:47or shall we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffin?
28:52Best not go to the yacht. Might bump into them bloody briefcases halfway, eh?
29:04# We've got some half-price cracked ice
29:06# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:08# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:11# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
29:14# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:20# No income tax, no VAT
29:23# No money back, no guarantee
29:26# Black or white, rich or poor
29:29# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
29:34# God bless Hookey Street!
29:37# Viva Hookey Street!
29:40# Long live Hookey Street!
29:43# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
29:46# Magnifique, Hookey Street #