lovelyjubbly · episodes

Only Fools and Horses S01E01 — Big Brother

Every line from “Big Brother” (395 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
• 00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
• 00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
• 00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
• 00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
• 00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
• 00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
• 00:44That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he, Rodney?
• 00:48He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
• 00:52Yeah. Knock-out, Grandad.
• 00:55Sidney Potter?
• 00:56Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.
• 01:02Sidney Poitier.
• 01:04-Sidney Potter. -It's Poitier!
• 01:07-It's Potter! -It's bloody Poitier, I tell ya!
• 01:10-And I'm telling you it's bloody Potter! -At it again, are you?
• 01:14Del, how do you pronounce that bloke's name? Poitier or Potter?
• 01:19Personally, I pronounce it Harry Belafonte but please yourselves.
• 01:24You daft old sod. It was Harry Belafonte all along!
• 01:28Well, I wondered why Sidney Potter kept bursting into song!
• 01:32I don't like Harry Belafonte.
• 01:35EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH
• 01:37What an enigma! I get better looking every day! I can't wait for tomorrow!
• 01:42GROANS I think I've got something incurable.
• 01:49Still, never mind, eh? Rodney, we've a meeting at 12:00. What are you doing now?
• 01:54Our accounts.
• 01:56You're keeping accounts now?
• 01:59See, Grandad? People said I was a right dipstick to making my brother a business partner.
• 02:06This proves how bloody right they were!
• 02:09You dozy little twonk, Rodney!
• 02:12This is prime evidence, ain't it?
• 02:14The tax man gets hold of that, they'll put us away for three years!
• 02:17If a tax-man comes, I'll eat it.
• 02:19It's the only way I can keep a check on you.
• 02:21I'm sure you're cheating me. I just have to figure out how.
• 02:24Cheating you? What's that rumbling noise?
• 02:29I didn't hear nothing.
• 02:30-It's just Mum turning in her grave. -Don't start that again, Del!
• 02:35It's obvious you're stitching me up.
• 02:37You have three or four changes of clothes a day! Me, I've got one suit from an Almost New shop!
• 02:42It's embarrassing!
• 02:44I embarrass you, do I? You're the one to talk!
• 02:49You've been nothing but an embarrassment to me since the moment you was born!
• 02:53You couldn't be normal and come along two or three years after me!
• 02:58You had to wait 13 years!
• 03:00While the other Mods were having punch-ups at Southend and going to Who concerts, I was babysitting!
• 03:09I had Ostermilk stains on my Ben Shermans!
• 03:13I used to find rusks in my Hush Puppies!
• 03:17I couldn't help when I was born.
• 03:19There you go. Always an excuse, eh? And what about poor Mum?
• 03:25She was 39 when she had you.
• 03:28For the first months of her pregnancy you were treated as an ulcer!
• 03:33To this day, I think the original diagnosis was correct.
• 03:39Look! Eh, come on. What sort of bloke do you think I am? Cheat my own brother?
• 03:46Come on, Rodney, I told you before, we split everything straight down the middle. Sixty-forty.
• 03:54Yeah, well... Explain this, then. How do we pay the light, gas and rent?
• 04:00Take last week at the auction, right? We bought a gross of disposable lighters, a Space Invaders game,
• 04:06two facial saunas, five water damages sleeping bags, and a moon-roof for a Peugeot, right?
• 04:11We swapped the lot for a load of one-legged turkeys!
• 04:14-It was not one-legged turkeys. They were damaged turkeys! -With how many legs?
• 04:19I'm in no mood for trick questions!
• 04:22-You left out the VAT. -We don't pay VAT!
• 04:25But we collect it, don't we?
• 04:27All right, Rodney, all right! So we don't pay VAT.
• 04:31We don't pay income tax or National Insurance.
• 04:34On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit, do we? Eh?
• 04:41The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give them nothing!
• 04:46-What're you complaining about? -I'm 23! I'd like some sort of a career!
• 04:51You're self-unemployed. That's a career, innit?
• 04:54Selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street? I want something better than that, Del.
• 04:58All right. All right.
• 05:00In future you can do Regent Street. Come on!
• 05:04SARCASTICALLY Cheers.
• 05:07And it's Poitier.
• 05:08-Potter. -It's Poitier!
• 05:10MOUTHS Potter.
• 05:15-Hello, Del! -Hello, darlin'! All right? Good.
• 05:22Do you realise? We've always had something missing.
• 05:25We were motherless, fatherless... Now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheeled van!
• 05:31-Little acorns. -You got one of them missing as well?
• 05:33No. Marks and Spencer started with a barrow.
• 05:36-At least they had four wheels! -Give it a rest!
• 05:39-Morning, Del Boy. -Bonjour, Joycie!
• 05:42Two half-pints of low-carbohydrate beer, thank you.
• 05:45-In glasses? -Yes, or it dribbles through your fingers.
• 05:50I mean in glasses or jugs!
• 05:53As long as it's served out of your fair hands, we'd drink it out of Evonne Goolagong's old tennis boo
• 05:59All right?
• 06:02Charm like laser beams, Rodney. It knocks 'em bandy.
• 06:06Yeah. It's your ready wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds.
• 06:09Yeah. I suppose I am full of the old belle esprit, really, aren't I?
• 06:13Actually, I quite like old Joycie.
• 06:15I know she's a bit of an old dog, but...
• 06:18But I like old dogs. You always know where you are with them. They never ask if you still respect the
• 06:25They'll always lend you a nicker for petrol.
• 06:28SIGHS
• 06:29I like this life, Rodders. Duckin' and divin'. Wheelin' and dealin'. It's exciting and unpredictable.
• 06:36In this game, you can go out with 50 pence in your pocket...
• 06:40-And come home skint. -Exactly.
• 06:44I'm thinking of getting a job, Del.
• 06:47Eh? What chance have you got of getting a job?
• 06:51Do leave it out! Did you hear that, Joycie? He's thinking of getting a job!
• 06:55A job, eh?
• 06:57I got GCEs and I took a year's course at the art college in Basingstoke!
• 07:02I know you took a year's course, but you got expelled after three weeks!
• 07:06The Board of Governors inspected and found you with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh,
• 07:12-in bed with a Chinese tart! -She was not a Chinese tart.
• 07:16Well, Japanese, then.
• 07:19Supposing you got an interview. What are you going to say?
• 07:24"Yes, sir, I've got qualifications. Two GCEs, an 18-month suspended sentence,
• 07:29"and I know a good joint when I puff one."
• 07:34No, your feet won't touch, bruv!
• 07:36No, I'm afraid not, Rodney. At the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.
• 07:43Society has put you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar
• 07:48to grow moss, be forgotten about.
• 07:55Still, vive la France, as they say in Rome! No need to get depressed!
• 08:00Me, depressed? Of course not, Del. I'm on top of the world! I feel like a born-again eunuch!
• 08:07I think I'll apply for a mail-order course with Exit!
• 08:11That's a good idea! Never say die!
• 08:16Ah, there he is! Oi! Trigger! You know my brother, don't you?
• 08:20'Course I do! How's it going, Dave?
• 08:22Sorry I'm late. I had to pop round my sister's to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.
• 08:27-Oi, Joycie! -Del. Del.
• 08:30-What? -Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?
• 08:33No! It's 'cause he looks like a horse.
• 08:37Listen, me and Trigger have got business to discuss, know what I mean?
• 08:42So get the drinks and meet us back here, all right?
• 08:45Oh, yes, sir! Anything you say, sir! Borrow me daughter, sir?
• 08:53Very clever kid, my brother.
• 08:56He's got GCEs in Maths and Art. You got to see him when he writes a letter, some of the words he uses
• 09:02-Long ones? -Like that, you know, some of them!
• 09:05-Anyway, what're you selling? -This.
• 09:08I got 24 more in the car.
• 09:11I didn't wrap it up, 'cause parcels always attract attention.
• 09:14Best to carry it openly, then it don't look conspishus.
• 09:19Yeah... Good thinking, Trig. Really good. It goes so well with your sling-back Wellingtons
• 09:25and your donkey jacket. You look like an executive hod-carrier.
• 09:31Rodders, what do you think? Infra-dig, innit?
• 09:35It's plastic!
• 09:37Plastic! It's Old English vinyl!
• 09:43Combination locks. Dinky handle... Might be able to shift a few down the old squash club.
• 09:50The police are probably looking for them right now.
• 09:55Are the police after these, Trig?
• 09:57-No, Del! -Then why are you hiding it?
• 10:02In case they start looking!
• 10:05-Leave 'em, Del! -Shh. Shtoom, right?
• 10:08We're partners! At least respect my opinion!
• 10:11I do! I do! How much?
• 10:15For you, Del Boy, £17 each.
• 10:20You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed!
• 10:26-All right, then. £14. -Fourteen? Leave it out!
• 10:31-Five. -Twelve.
• 10:34-Six. -Ten.
• 10:35-Nine. -Eight.
• 10:37Done!
• 10:39That's the way to do business, Dave.
• 10:41-Right. That's 8 times 25 equals £175. -Two hundred.
• 10:49-No, no, the calculator says 175. -But he's got GCEs in Maths and Art.
• 10:55So? So he can paint by numbers!
• 11:00This is a calculator, know what I mean?
• 11:03You can't argue with a calculator!
• 11:06-Give it here! -Rodney.
• 11:0825 times 8 equals... 200! See?
• 11:14I must've got my finger stuck on the button!
• 11:19-Pianist's fingers, Del. -Yeah. Look after them. They break easily!
• 11:30You gotta see 'em to believe 'em, Spiros. Eh?
• 11:35I don't know. Oi, Grandad! Where were they made?
• 11:39It don't say. There's some Chinese writing on 'em, though.
• 11:43Shh! It don't say the maker's name, Spiros. The best ones never do.
• 11:50-How's it going? -That's the 15th.
• 11:53-Briefcase he's sold? -Phone call he's made.
• 11:56Get them while you can, Spiros. I've only got 25 left.
• 12:02This is a cheeseburger! I asked for an emperor burger!
• 12:06-I couldn't afford an emperor burger. -He got me a cheeseburger!
• 12:10-What? -I asked for an emperor burger and he brings a cheeseburger!
• 12:15Hang on, Spiros! What's going on?
• 12:19I couldn't afford to get him an emperor burger!
• 12:23I'm trying to do a deal here! Now, shut up, will you?
• 12:27No, no, not you Spiros!
• 12:30Now, how many briefcases can I put you down for, eh?
• 12:35None. Right. All right. See you around.
• 12:40-I told you to chuck them cases in the river! -In the river?
• 12:46That's our profit you're talking about! What do you think this is? A nationalised industry?
• 12:50He knows I hate cheese!
• 12:53Shut up about your cheeseburger!
• 12:55Ah! Dougie Sadler! He owns the stationer's in the High Street!
• 13:01I dunno why he bothers!
• 13:03He's a trier! Your dad always said Del Boy would reach the top.
• 13:08There again, he also said that one day Millwall would win the cup.
• 13:14Hello, Dougie? Del Boy! How are you, pal? Good. Family? Super!
• 13:21Dougie, look, I'm phoning about some briefcases.
• 13:26Yeah? Cor! What a choker!
• 13:31Twenty five of them nicked from his shop last week.
• 13:33Oh, God!
• 13:35No, no, I'm not trying to sell any! No, I wanted to buy some!
• 13:40I've got this contact in the, em...stock exchange.
• 13:44By the way, Dougie, old pal...
• 13:47What were you asking for them? What d'you mean they were rejects?
• 13:51Oh, beautiful! We bought a consignment of rejects.
• 13:54Shh! What was wrong with them?
• 13:57Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Who'd be daft enough to nick them, eh?
• 14:03Who'd be stupid enough to buy 'em?
• 14:10I'll pop down next week when you've got some more in. Bye-bye, Doug.
• 14:17-God's truth. -All right.
• 14:20-What's wrong with them? -Open one.
• 14:24-What's the combination? -No sod knows! That's why they're rejects!
• 14:31There must be a bit of paper with 'em, giving the combination.
• 14:34There is! Inside the briefcase!
• 14:38A cock-up at the factory.
• 14:40Nice going. You've bought 25 briefcases that can only be opened by safe-crackers.
• 14:48This makes the one-legged turkey deal look shrewd!
• 14:51All right! That's the way I'm made! Take risks! He who dares wins!
• 14:58The French have a word for people like me!
• 15:01The English have a few good ones!
• 15:04I told you not to touch 'em!
• 15:08-It's nothing to do with you! -We're partners, ain't we?
• 15:12Oh... Oh, I see! The truth's coming out now!
• 15:17Come on, Del! How do you see our respective roles in this partnership?
• 15:23I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts and money
• 15:27and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van! Any objection?
• 15:32Yes! With my qualifications, I see myself as a financial advisor!
• 15:39Financial advisor? Bonjour, Trieste!
• 15:44You are beautiful, you are, Rodney!
• 15:47Today, I just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175,
• 15:53when my "advisor" stuck his nose in and "advised" me to pay £200! Eh?
• 16:00My advisor then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river!
• 16:07With financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?
• 16:12What kind of financial advisor goes out to buy an emperor burger and comes back with a cheeseburger?
• 16:19Will you stop going on about that ruddy cheeseburger?
• 16:23-Eat it. -Get off him!
• 16:26It's against the law to force-feed a senior citizen! He hates cheese!
• 16:30-Why'd you buy it? -It's all I could afford! You make my life a misery!
• 16:36What was that about me making your life a misery?
• 16:41Yeah. Well... You do, Del, with your overbearing, overprotective manner!
• 17:04Let me remind you, Rodney, you were a 6-year-old little nipper
• 17:10when God smiled on Mum and made her die.
• 17:13Two months later Dad left us to fend for ourselves.
• 17:18It was me that kept us together!
• 17:22Nothing to do with Grandad, an out-of-work lamplighter waiting for gas to make a comeback!
• 17:30I grafted 19, 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table!
• 17:35OK, it wasn't always double-legal but you ate the finest food going!
• 17:39What, TV dinners and convenience foods that were frozen or dehydrated?
• 17:46If you'd been in charge of the Last Supper, it would have been a takeaway!
• 17:53Well, anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!
• 18:00Del...
• 18:04Look, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful.
• 18:07I don't want your gratitude! Ungrateful little git!
• 18:14I dunno... Sometimes I hesitate to admit you're my brother.
• 18:19Well, I always say I'm your social worker!
• 18:22Would you tell me what it is that's made your life a misery?
• 18:27You always treated me like a child. I was the only sixth-former who wore short trousers!
• 18:34Well, I got 'em cheap, didn't I?
• 18:36I was 15, Del! I was growing hairs and things!
• 18:40And you never let me do anything on my own, do you?
• 18:46You even had to help me study for my GCEs.
• 18:49-You passed in two subjects! -I failed in the other eight!
• 18:54You embarrass me, that's why I can never bring women home.
• 18:57You know some women, do ya?
• 19:00The only bird I've heard of is Shanghai Lil at the art college.
• 19:05Even then, you had to drug her before you got your leg over!
• 19:09-No, I didn't! -Didn't drug her or didn't get your leg over?
• 19:15You're suffocating me! I'm leaving! I'll prove I can survive on my own!
• 19:22I'm going to the pub.
• 19:23To prove you can survive on your own?
• 19:25No! To get legless! I don't need you no more, Del!
• 19:31DOOR SLAMS
• 19:44Del... Er...
• 19:46I was just...wondering...
• 19:50Thank you.
• 19:59He's very much like you, Grandad.
• 20:01What, dignified in defeat?
• 20:04No. A ponce!
• 20:10No, these can't be the ones they're looking for. I wouldn't do that to a mate, would I?
• 20:17Don't you say nothing to him! You can't trust the Old Bill!
• 20:21Remember when they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom?
• 20:26Yeah...
• 20:28OK, bye.
• 20:30FOOTSTEPS
• 20:32Rodney?
• 20:34Where was you early this morning?
• 20:36Trying to flog these!
• 20:38Did you call Rodney?
• 20:40No, I let him lie in. Is he still in bed?
• 20:44-No. He's gone. -Gone?
• 20:47Packed his rucksack and gone.
• 20:51-Gone where? -Hong Kong.
• 20:54Hong Kong? What do you mean?
• 20:57Hong Kong. It's in China.
• 20:59I know where it is! But what's Rodney doing there?
• 21:03Hitch-hiking to visit that bird from art college.
• 21:07Shanghai Lil? But she's in Basingstoke!
• 21:11Not now! She got deported after the drugs trial!
• 21:17Here, just a minute...
• 21:19What did you do, say, or cook to make him go?
• 21:23It was that row you had! He's gone to prove himself!
• 21:28Prove himself. Nah! It's just one of Rodney's little games! Huh!
• 21:36He'll never reach Hong Kong. He has trouble finding Clapham!
• 21:40He seemed very determined.
• 21:41-Didn't you do anything? -Well, yeah! I made him some sandwiches.
• 21:47And he took them? Blimey! This is worse than I thought!
• 21:52Oh, wait a minute! He ain't got no money!
• 21:56He took his post office book. Can't you go and search for him?
• 22:01He's been gone for seven hours. He can't be any further than France.
• 22:06-Oh, we've got him cornered then. -Ring up Interpol.
• 22:10I'd get more joy from Interflora!
• 22:14He might be in danger! You can explain to them what Rodney's like!
• 22:18I don't know French for "pranny"!
• 22:22Hong Kong! I mean...Hong Kong!
• 22:26Why didn't he tell me where he was going?
• 22:30He could have taken these bleeding things back with him!
• 22:35JAZZY MUSIC
• 22:43NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE
• 24:07COMPUTER: A2 F2. Enter. Illegal move.
• 24:16A2 B2. Enter. Illegal move.
• 24:22This thing still ain't working!
• 24:24That's 'cause you're play draughts on it. It's a talking chess game.
• 24:27You can't play draughts on it.
• 24:30Why not?
• 24:31'Cause it's chess! You've already blown the microchip twice huffing the rook and what have you.
• 24:39It's supposed to have an electronic brain.
• 24:43It has got one!
• 24:45But it didn't know it was gonna fall into the hands of an old duffer who wanted to play draughts!
• 24:51But I can't play chess. Why don't they invent talking draughts?
• 24:56'Cause you'd probably want to play bloody Ludo on it!
• 25:06Del Boy.
• 25:08Hi, Rodney.
• 25:09Rodney's back, Del! Look! He's here!
• 25:14Are you hungry, Rodney?
• 25:16Starving! I haven't eaten for two days!
• 25:19Shall I cook you something?
• 25:20No, no! Um...cup of tea, perhaps.
• 25:28The old place don't change much.
• 25:31No. Same as ever.
• 25:36It's really good to be back, Del!
• 25:48Aren't you overdoing it? You've only been gone six days.
• 25:52-It may have been six days, but to me it seemed more like... -A week?
• 25:57Hmm.
• 25:58How far did you get?
• 26:02South of France. St Tropez.
• 26:04-Ohh! Very mal de mer! -COMPUTER: Problem.
• 26:08-Very hot. -What are the birds like?
• 26:11Oh. Uh...mostly French.
• 26:15I met one English girl. Veronica.
• 26:18Her father's a millionaire tax-exile.
• 26:21Tax-exile!
• 26:22COMPUTER: Illegal.
• 26:25Had a boat, had he, in the bay?
• 26:27A yacht, yeah. They invited me for dinner. I didn't go, though.
• 26:33Still had Grandad's sandwiches?
• 26:37No! No, that night I packed my bags and headed home.
• 26:41-I was homesick, see. I...I missed that. -You're joking.
• 26:47The only people who ever missed that are the Luftwaffe.
• 26:51It may not be much to you, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty. I've got artist's eyes.
• 26:57Artist's eyes, pianist's fingers, Italian footballer's legs. You should get a disability allowance.
• 27:05I know you'll never understand,
• 27:07but you've got to suffer paradise before you realise what you left behind.
• 27:12Your home, your family...
• 27:14-Your passport. -Your passport.
• 27:20You knew! You let me go through all that! Where did you find it?
• 27:27Top of your cupboard.
• 27:28We were expecting the gendarmes, so I checked your room in case you had any exotic tobacco lying about
• 27:35I knew it was just a moody! Just one of your little games.
• 27:40Must be wonderful to always be right.
• 27:45It is a bit embarrassing at times.
• 27:47And, Rodney, you said I'd never get rid of them briefcases.
• 27:52And you did, didn't you, Del?
• 27:54Yes! Chucked the bleedin' lot in the river!
• 27:59No! You threw 'em in the river?
• 28:02Yup. They floated. That was a bit unforeseen.
• 28:08Probably rounding Tilbury about now.
• 28:13LAUGHS 200 quid down the Swanee, eh? Or in this case, the Thames!
• 28:18DEL SCOFFS
• 28:19St Tropez. How far did you really get?
• 28:25The Shangri-La doss house, Stoke Newington.
• 28:28Shared a room with some cholera cultures.
• 28:30COMPUTER: Your move.
• 28:42Well, what do you fancy? Shall we go down the pub and act stupid,
• 28:47or shall we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffin?
• 28:52Best not go to the yacht. Might bump into them bloody briefcases halfway, eh?
• 29:04# We've got some half-price cracked ice
• 29:06# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
• 29:08# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
• 29:11# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
• 29:14# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
• 29:20# No income tax, no VAT
• 29:23# No money back, no guarantee
• 29:26# Black or white, rich or poor
• 29:29# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
• 29:34# God bless Hookey Street!
• 29:37# Viva Hookey Street!
• 29:40# Long live Hookey Street!
• 29:43# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
• 29:46# Magnifique, Hookey Street #