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Only Fools and Horses S01E02 — Go West Young Man

Every line from “Go West Young Man” (397 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
• 00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
• 00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
• 00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
• 00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
• 00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
• 00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
• 00:39MAN ON TV: Touching the cone and also just touching the plane.
• 00:49INDISTINCT TV CHATTER
• 00:55That is where our future lies, Rodney, second-hand motors.
• 00:59Next year, we'll be millionaires.
• 01:02I dreamt I was drownin' last night.
• 01:05See, the government's going to have to ban the import of foreign cars to save our own car industry.
• 01:12But the unions won't stand for that so they'll all go out on strike.
• 01:17You won't be able to buy a new car!
• 01:21-Oh? -No.
• 01:23So, Rodney, Britain's future lies in the second-hand car game.
• 01:28What did you say? You dreamt that you were drownin'?
• 01:33D'you mean you wet the bed last night?
• 01:37No, I don't!
• 01:39I'm depressed, and these cornflakes are lousy.
• 01:43Rodney, you make my teeth itch! I keep asking you, go and phone her!
• 01:49-She knows I won't phone her first. -Did you tell her that?
• 01:55-No... -No! Phone her and tell her.
• 01:58-That's stupid! -It's no more stupid than the mood you're in!
• 02:04When you're gettin' your end away, skies are blue and the lager's cool!
• 02:10A tart with fat thighs chucks you and you're depressed!
• 02:15Monica and I were having problems getting it together on a one-to-one basis!
• 02:21My mate Micky Pearce advised us to have a two-week trial separation.
• 02:27What? You've only known her for two weeks!
• 02:31What is it? A fortnight on, a fortnight off, like sentry duty?
• 02:36I'm not phoning her, Grandad. Plenty more chicks about.
• 02:41Come on then.
• 02:42Fancy a blind date with a Samaritan?
• 02:46I'll survive, Del. And Monica doesn't have fat thighs.
• 02:50-She has! -She has not!
• 02:53I saw her down the disco, and either she has fat thighs or she was boppin' in jodhpurs!
• 03:01-Monica was out dancing? -Yeah.
• 03:04With your mate, Micky Pearce, in fact!
• 03:11Del!
• 03:16This came in with a Chesterfield and a gross of electric toothbrushes as a part-chop on a Vanden Plas.
• 03:21-Still, clean it up a bit, some new tyres. -And a new engine, new body and you got a nice little motor
• 03:27-Is the 98,000 miles on the clock genuine? -Shut up!
• 03:33Be honest, Boycie. I mean, seriously, it's a bit of a pig!
• 03:41-What d'you want for 50 quid? -Ah, I'll take that!
• 03:46Do you want a cheque or the old readies?
• 03:49-You would an' all, wouldn't ya? -Certainly! Handsome, innit?
• 03:54Yeah.
• 03:55It's only E-type Jaguars and Sebastian Coe that make me proud to be British!
• 04:00I know what you mean, Boycie.
• 04:02Why haven't you got this up front?
• 04:04It's not for sale, mate. I'm looking for a place to hide it for a week.
• 04:10It's a birthday present. I'm scared the wife'll see it.
• 04:15Spoil the surprise?
• 04:17Spoil everything! It's for my bit-on-the-side!
• 04:22-Your what? -His bit-on-the-side!
• 04:26Oh, never mind. It's so long since Rodney had a bit-on-the-side, he didn't know they'd moved it!
• 04:33-What are you hanging about! Mon dieu! -What?
• 04:36You want to hide this for a week?
• 04:38We've got an empty garage on the estate.
• 04:42You're handy, Del. It'd save me a lot of aggro.
• 04:47-Right, well, I owe you one then. -Nah. Forget it, Boycie.
• 04:51If you can't do a pal a favour without expecting something in return... How much was that car?
• 05:04TYRES SCREECH
• 05:35Brakes a bit spongy, then?
• 05:38Brakes? What bloody brakes?
• 05:41It's a death-trap, Del!
• 05:44What d'you expect for 25 quid?
• 06:15-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT Your shock-absorber's gone. -Well, it has now!
• 06:18-What's it like? -What's what like?
• 06:21The car, ya dingo! D'you think I meant your flamin' coffee?
• 06:24Oh! Well, it's... It's...
• 06:28-It's a bit overpriced. -It's a bit overpriced, yeah.
• 06:32Says 23,000 on the clock. Is that genuine?
• 06:35Twenty three... Last time I looked it was over...
• 06:37Twenty-two and a half thousand.
• 06:40I had the RAC do a 500-mile test on it. Better safe than sorry, I always say.
• 06:46Beautiful, in't it? Son et lumière, wouldn't you say?
• 06:52Well, I wouldn't go that far.
• 06:55Look at this. Where would you find genuine leather upholstery like that these days?
• 07:02Do you know that the East African gazelle became an endangered species for this model?
• 07:07A sacrifice well made, wouldn't you say?
• 07:09No, I can see you are an enthusiast.
• 07:14Don't give me that crap, mate! I don't need no help from any Cockney villain!
• 07:22Cockney villain?
• 07:25There's no need to be like that, sir. After all, the British and the Australians are cousins.
• 07:30If your great-grandad hadn't been a bloody villain, you could've been one of us!
• 07:34EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH
• 07:38Allow me to point out the optional extras, sir.
• 07:41The anti-dazzle mirror.
• 07:44In here, we've got the old one-speed wiper.
• 07:50And we've got automatic windows.
• 07:55And, of course, it comes complete with a full two-weeks' MOT still to run.
• 08:02How many owners? Glad you asked. It's only had the one owner from new
• 08:07and that was a vicar.
• 08:09-Vicar? -A vicar.
• 08:12He used to use it to drive to and from church on a Sunday.
• 08:16Oh, look... He's left his Bible in the glove compartment!
• 08:22DEL WHISTLING
• 08:27MOCK AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: As I was walkin' through Earls Court,
• 08:30into a pub I was lured,
• 08:32where a nosey Pom said, "Where you from?" as I downed the amber fluid.
• 08:38I said, "Get it straight, I'm an Aussie, mate! An' I'm fixin' to get plastered,
• 08:44"But the beer is crook and the birds all look like you, you Pommy..." Grandad.
• 08:51-Cheers, Del Boy! -Buy a crate of Odour-Eaters!
• 08:56Yeah, I've heard they're good.
• 08:58Bloody murder to swallow, though!
• 09:01'Ere, where's Peckham's conscience?
• 09:04He's in his room, pinin' about that little fat bird. Women...
• 09:11You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother?
• 09:18No.
• 09:20The first night, we was in bed and I,
• 09:24well, you know, Del.
• 09:26What?
• 09:28Well, doing what you do when the lights are out.
• 09:35Holding a seance, was you?
• 09:38No! You know what I mean.
• 09:41Anyhow, right in the middle of it,
• 09:46-do you know what she said to me? -No, what?
• 09:49She said, "What do you fancy for dinner tomorrow?"
• 09:56"What do you fancy for dinner tomorrow?"
• 09:58Bad, innit?
• 10:02Bet that didn't happen to Omar Shariff. Anyway, what did you say?
• 10:06Steak and kidney pudding.
• 10:10SARCASTIC Isn't love wonderful?
• 10:13Look out, the room is full!
• 10:15Going to a fancy-dress party?
• 10:17No, I'm gonna do what Monica did.
• 10:20Going dancing with Micky Pearce?
• 10:22No, I'm gonna paint the town red!
• 10:27Going to Streatham?
• 10:28No, I'm going up West!
• 10:32-You, up West? -Yeah!
• 10:34You'd need a bloody compass to find it!
• 10:37I'm one of the faces.
• 10:40Huh! Two halves at the British Legion Club is like a walk on the wild side to you!
• 10:48I'll lead me own life. And what d'you mean "fancy-dress"?
• 10:52Well, why are you hittin' the West End looking like a praying mantis?
• 10:58Lay off! Is that the money from the death-trap you sold to Skippy?
• 11:05There was nothing wrong with it!
• 11:07No? The oil light stayed on, the steering didn't take you where you wanted to and the brakes didn't w
• 11:12Minor faults. And I fixed the oil light.
• 11:16-You changed the oil? -No, I took the bulb out!
• 11:21Great!
• 11:22I never thought you'd stoop to selling instant motorway madness!
• 11:28Oh, shut up, you tart!
• 11:30That money is immoral! It's nothing more than blood money!
• 11:36-Is it? All right, then. -Oi, half of that's mine!
• 11:41Ah-ha! See? That's the mentality of your spoon-fed student-type!
• 11:47They spout about humanity,
• 11:50yet in a fight for a torn fiver, they make Genghis Khan look like a pacifist!
• 11:58I was stating that half of it is mine. That don't mean I want it.
• 12:03Oh, I see!
• 12:06Don't want this then, Rodney?
• 12:11No.
• 12:12Oh, what a bind! I'll have to spend it all meself!
• 12:16-Still going out, are you, Rodney? -Er...yeah.
• 12:21D'you fancy tagging along to my clubs?
• 12:25No.
• 12:26No. But if you need the company, I'll come.
• 12:29Me? I've got hundreds of friends!
• 12:32Oh? That's all right then, innit? Good, yeah. Yeah...
• 12:37There's the cats from the evening class.
• 12:40Cats? You going dancin' or rattin'?
• 12:45Rattin'! I like that!
• 12:46It means ravers, Grandad! These guys really live it up, Del, and I mean live.
• 12:54Yeah...there's...Dave...an' Bob...
• 13:00Mike an'...Tony...George...
• 13:05-Jim. -Jim!
• 13:07-Why not give them a bell? -Who?
• 13:09The beautiful people from your classes.
• 13:13They're not on the phone.
• 13:14All these swingers ain't got a phone?
• 13:18All right! Well, are you coming with me, then?
• 13:23-No, I'll pop down the Nag's Head for a light ale later on. -Oh.
• 13:28Well, your loss, Del. I'll tell you all about it in the morning, then.
• 13:34All right.
• 13:36-Are you coming or not, then? -No!
• 13:39Okay, then. Well, here I go!
• 13:42Yeah. See ya, then.
• 13:46-I'll give the birds your regards, shall I? -Yeah, that's t'riffic.
• 13:50Right... Well, we have take-off!
• 13:59DOOR CLOSES
• 14:01Make up your mind, Del! Are you coming or not?
• 14:04Bloody kids! Can't even enjoy themselves today!
• 14:08All right, come on, Soppy!
• 14:11Well, you can tag along, if you can pay for yourself.
• 14:16Don't worry, I've got the money! I've got the van keys an' all.
• 14:20You go easy on the iron jelloids!
• 14:24We're not going up West in a 3-wheel van?
• 14:27-I ain't walking! -But your image!
• 14:31You're very suave and debonair.
• 14:34I suppose I am a bit ostentatious.
• 14:39Sit low and no-one will see you arrive.
• 14:43But I want people to see me arrive!
• 14:46In a 3-wheel van? Still, we got no choice, have we?
• 14:49Yes, we have.
• 14:51We can take Boycie's E-type Jaguar!
• 14:54Are you sure? Upon your shoulders be it, son. Let's go.
• 15:01Rodney!
• 15:16Is it always as dark in 'ere or they having a dummy run for a coal-miners' convention?
• 15:22-I dunno! -You said this was one of your regular clubs.
• 15:28-I exaggerated. -How many times have you been here?
• 15:32Never.
• 15:34Eh? Why did you bring us in here?
• 15:37-It looked okay from the outside. -"It looked okay from the outside."
• 15:41That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum! You berk!
• 15:48-Not much action for a nightclub, is there? -No.
• 15:51But then it's only half past seven! It's the last time I come out with you, Rodney!
• 15:57-Promise, you moaning git? -Watch it!
• 16:02Ah... Oi! Garçon la petit pois!
• 16:07-Oh! Parlez-vous Francais? -Jawohl!
• 16:09Yes! What can I get for you?
• 16:14I'd like a Caribbean Stallion.
• 16:16Wouldn't we all, dear?
• 16:20-What is it? -It's... What is it?
• 16:24It's an exotic cocktail, created for the jet set.
• 16:29Roger Moore drank one in Live And Let Die.
• 16:31SCOFFS I wouldn't put anything past her!
• 16:38Well, you'd better write this down.
• 16:40You want a shot of tequila, and a shot of coconut rum, and one of Creme de Menthe.
• 16:47Then you want a smidgen of Campari with a hint of Angostura's Bitters.
• 16:53Top it up with grapefruit juice
• 16:55then you shake it. Do not stir.
• 16:59Pour that slowly over broken ice,
• 17:01garnish with a slice of orange, lime and seasonal fruits.
• 17:06Add a decorative plastic umbrella, two translucent straws, and voila!
• 17:12Right. And for you?
• 17:15Half a lager, please.
• 17:18Half a lager.
• 17:21Reg Varney drank one of them in Holiday On The Buses!
• 17:29Is he a bit...funny?
• 17:33I dunno.
• 17:34Yeah, he's definitely a bandit, that one.
• 17:39Tonight, we dance with our backs to the wall, Rodney.
• 17:44I wonder what Monica's doing now?
• 17:46Ask Micky Pearce.
• 17:49I don't talk to him no more.
• 17:52Look, I'm your brother. You can tell me. What broke you two up?
• 17:57I found out he was dating Monica!
• 18:00Not you and Micky bloody Pearce! You and the fat girl!
• 18:03Oh. Well... She thought I was weird.
• 18:08Well, not so much weird. More...warped.
• 18:14Warped?
• 18:15Yeah...
• 18:17See, I've got this fantasy.
• 18:21Uniforms. They turn me on.
• 18:25Uniforms? You mean, like postmen an' that?
• 18:31No, women in uniforms! Nurses, air hostesses and my favourite...
• 18:38Policewomen.
• 18:41Policewomen? But they nick ya!
• 18:46What you're trying to tell me is that this Monica bird didn't go a bundle on this dressing-up idea?
• 18:51I didn't tell her. I tried to do it without her knowing.
• 18:55You dressed her up as Juliet Bravo without her twiggin'?
• 18:58No, I was gonna do it gradual.
• 19:02For her birthday last week, I bought her one of them blue serge suits, and I'd already got her the hat
• 19:09white with navy blue peak.
• 19:11For Valentine's Day, I was going to get her black stockings and walking brogues and for Christmas...
• 19:17You was gonna get a whistle and some handcuffs!
• 19:22You was lucky she chucked you! Them Panda cars cost a bomb!
• 19:30And Monica's right. You're a pervo. That is immoral. D'you know that?
• 19:35Immoral? Today, you sold a clapped-out Batmobile with no brakes!
• 19:40There's nothing wrong with that motor, it went, didn't it?
• 19:42Yeah, only it didn't stop. You're like a cigarette rep joining the Festival of Light.
• 19:48"Die from my profit, but don't play with yourself in between!"
• 19:54Oh, yeah, all right, Rodney.
• 19:56I don't mean the geezer no 'arm. I'll pay to have his brakes repaired.
• 20:02That's good. Tell you what I'll do.
• 20:05You'll forget about policewomen?
• 20:07No. I'll accept my 50% of the profit!
• 20:09Oh, my cup runneth over.
• 20:12Half a lager for sir, and a Caribbean Stallion for Mandingo.
• 20:21-That'll be £7. -Blimey, I can get that for 3 quid where I come from!
• 20:26Oh, you're from Jersey, are you? Enjoy your stay.
• 20:32-Jersey? -The barman asked if you'd like some evaporated milk with that.
• 20:39-Tell the barman to get stuffed! -Thank you, sir.
• 20:45Thank you, sir!
• 20:47-Del... Del! -What?
• 20:54No, it's only 7:40. If we pull 'em now, we've gotta buy 'em drinks all night.
• 20:59We could take 'em back to the flat.
• 21:01That's an idea! I've got 24 litres of that Yugoslavian Riesling!
• 21:06We'll pop Grandpa in the meter cupboard!
• 21:09Yeah! Go on! You can charm a tortoise out of a shell!
• 21:15Okay. Now you, look, learn and listen. Right?
• 21:22HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
• 21:39Okay, drink up. We're leaving.
• 21:42You are great! You're the last miracle left on this earth!
• 21:45-Shut up and drink up. -Couple of ravers, eh?
• 21:49They're a couple of geezers!
• 22:17DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
• 22:34-I'm sorry! -What?
• 22:39I said I'm sorry.
• 22:41-Shut up! -I didn't know it was that sort of place!
• 22:46Tonight, I've joined a gay club, discovered my brother's a pervo,
• 22:51and had a close encounter with two dockers in drag!
• 22:55You better not tell anybody about this, Rodney! I've got my macho reputation to uphold!
• 23:01I'm warning you. One person, just one person calls me the Naked Civil Servant and you're dead!
• 23:07I'm hardly gonna brag that my brother tried to date two transvestites.
• 23:13Me? It was you clocked 'em!
• 23:16You... Just shut up! Shut up, will ya?
• 23:34Del!
• 23:36-Shut up! -Corner table, to your left. A couple of birds.
• 23:40It's probably Hinge and Bracket out having a pint!
• 23:45These are definitely feminine. All the lumps in the right places!
• 23:50-Yeah? Where? -Here.
• 23:54No, you wally! I mean where here!
• 24:02Yes. That'll definitely suit me. Right, come on. Bellies in!
• 24:07Let's just be ourselves this time! Don't try and put me down!
• 24:11-All right. Don't you say I'm 35 ! -All right!
• 24:14Come on, into action.
• 24:20Oops!
• 24:21I just dropped the keys to the E-type Jag. It's not mine, it's his!
• 24:28-Yeah, it's my car. Cheers, Del. -It's all right.
• 24:31-Using it while my Ferrari's being serviced! -He's 35!
• 24:37Sit down, will ya? Sit down, Rodney. Keep your brains warm!
• 24:41Mind if we join you, girls?
• 24:44Good. This is my brother, Rodney,
• 24:46and I am Del. That's short for Derek. Nice name, eh?
• 24:50-Yep. I'm Nicky, this is Michelle. Hi. -They're nice names.
• 24:58-Not as nice as Derek, though. -No, not a patch on Derek!
• 25:04Er...
• 25:08D'you come 'ere often?
• 25:11I don't believe you! I don't believe you!
• 25:14-Yes. Do you? -We don't come to London much.
• 25:19-Where are you from? -Em... Peckham!
• 25:23Originally from Peckham,
• 25:25but we spend a lot of time abroad for tax reasons,
• 25:30on the international professional tennis circuit.
• 25:33-Del! -He's a player and I'm his manager.
• 25:39You must've heard of Rodney! The sporting press call him "Hot Rod".
• 25:45-What's the surname? -Trotter.
• 25:48-Doesn't ring a bell! -No, we tend to stick to the American tournaments.
• 25:54-Do you ever play Wimbledon? -No, but we did the Miami Open.
• 26:00Really? You're not very tanned!
• 26:04No, it was an indoor tournament.
• 26:07Yeah, amazing, innit? They call it the Miami Open and then they hold it indoors!
• 26:14That's the Yanks for you, innit?
• 26:16Anyway, we...
• 26:18We can't complain 'cause he won it! Beat Jimmy Connolly in the finals.
• 26:25Don't you mean Jimmy Connors?
• 26:28No, he knocked him out in the first round!
• 26:32-Actually, we're in London to get Rod a new bat. -It's a racquet!
• 26:37Bloody is, the prices they charge!
• 26:41Also, we thought it'd be an idea to give us some practice on grass.
• 26:46In the States, they use astroturf!
• 26:50-What do you prefer, Rodney? -Pardon?
• 26:53-Do you prefer astroturf or grass? -Dunno. I've never smoked astroturf!
• 27:07You wally!
• 27:11Nah, nah. It's, er... We're not really professional tennis players!
• 27:17-We're just havin' a laugh! -We know! What do you really do?
• 27:22We're Concorde pilots!
• 27:32Light me up a cigar, Rodders.
• 27:36-We have struck gold there, Del Boy! -It's the Klondike, my son! The Klondike!
• 27:42It's every bloke's dream, innit? Meetin' a couple of sorts with their own pad in Chelsea.
• 27:47I hope it's a penthouse. I'm a penthouse sort of person.
• 27:54If we see them next Friday, perhaps we can stay for the weekend.
• 27:57-Yeah, watch Match Of The Day! -We won't have to spend much, eh?
• 28:03Won't have to spend much.
• 28:06Honestly, Rodney, when it comes down to it, you are completely devoid of any je ne sais quoi.
• 28:14These aren't your two halves of Stingo, some pork scratchings and Bob's yer uncle type! No, no!
• 28:21No, we'll take 'em to a Berni Inn.
• 28:23Yes! I'll bow to your experience and wallet there, Del.
• 28:29Where's their phone number?
• 28:30-She wrote it on my cigar pack. -Ace!
• 28:35-Wh-what cigar pack's that, then, Del? -The one I just gave ya!
• 28:40-Del... -Yeah.
• 28:43-You know that cigar pack? -Yeah.
• 28:45I threw it out the window!
• 28:48Oh, well, that's all right...
• 28:53You what!
• 28:57You pranny!
• 29:00TYRES SCREECH
• 29:02CAR HORNS HONKING
• 29:04TYRES SCREECHING
• 29:09Oh, my God, I don't believe it. I just do not believe it.
• 29:15-You've smashed up Boycie's E-type Jaguar. -Me? You was drivin' it!
• 29:20Don't play bloody word games with me!
• 29:29What is your game, pal? Are you blind or something?
• 29:32I'm really sorry about that, mate, but these brakes are a bit dicky.
• 29:39You!
• 29:41I've been looking for you two all day. Come here!
• 29:52# We've got some half-price cracked ice
• 29:54# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
• 29:56# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
• 29:59# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
• 30:02# And Trevor Francis track suits # From a mush in Shepherds Bush
• 30:07# No income tax, no VAT
• 30:10# No money back, no guarantee
• 30:14# Black or white, rich or poor
• 30:17# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
• 30:22# God bless Hookey Street!
• 30:25# Viva Hookey Street!
• 30:28# Long live Hookey Street!
• 30:30# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
• 30:34# Magnifique, Hookey Street #