Only Fools and Horses S01E02 — Go West Young Man

Every line from “Go West Young Man” (397 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:39MAN ON TV: Touching the cone and also just touching the plane.
00:49INDISTINCT TV CHATTER
00:55That is where our future lies, Rodney, second-hand motors.
00:59Next year, we'll be millionaires.
01:02I dreamt I was drownin' last night.
01:05See, the government's going to have to ban the import of foreign cars to save our own car industry.
01:12But the unions won't stand for that so they'll all go out on strike.
01:17You won't be able to buy a new car!
01:21-Oh? -No.
01:23So, Rodney, Britain's future lies in the second-hand car game.
01:28What did you say? You dreamt that you were drownin'?
01:33D'you mean you wet the bed last night?
01:37No, I don't!
01:39I'm depressed, and these cornflakes are lousy.
01:43Rodney, you make my teeth itch! I keep asking you, go and phone her!
01:49-She knows I won't phone her first. -Did you tell her that?
01:55-No... -No! Phone her and tell her.
01:58-That's stupid! -It's no more stupid than the mood you're in!
02:04When you're gettin' your end away, skies are blue and the lager's cool!
02:10A tart with fat thighs chucks you and you're depressed!
02:15Monica and I were having problems getting it together on a one-to-one basis!
02:21My mate Micky Pearce advised us to have a two-week trial separation.
02:27What? You've only known her for two weeks!
02:31What is it? A fortnight on, a fortnight off, like sentry duty?
02:36I'm not phoning her, Grandad. Plenty more chicks about.
02:41Come on then.
02:42Fancy a blind date with a Samaritan?
02:46I'll survive, Del. And Monica doesn't have fat thighs.
02:50-She has! -She has not!
02:53I saw her down the disco, and either she has fat thighs or she was boppin' in jodhpurs!
03:01-Monica was out dancing? -Yeah.
03:04With your mate, Micky Pearce, in fact!
03:11Del!
03:16This came in with a Chesterfield and a gross of electric toothbrushes as a part-chop on a Vanden Plas.
03:21-Still, clean it up a bit, some new tyres. -And a new engine, new body and you got a nice little motor
03:27-Is the 98,000 miles on the clock genuine? -Shut up!
03:33Be honest, Boycie. I mean, seriously, it's a bit of a pig!
03:41-What d'you want for 50 quid? -Ah, I'll take that!
03:46Do you want a cheque or the old readies?
03:49-You would an' all, wouldn't ya? -Certainly! Handsome, innit?
03:54Yeah.
03:55It's only E-type Jaguars and Sebastian Coe that make me proud to be British!
04:00I know what you mean, Boycie.
04:02Why haven't you got this up front?
04:04It's not for sale, mate. I'm looking for a place to hide it for a week.
04:10It's a birthday present. I'm scared the wife'll see it.
04:15Spoil the surprise?
04:17Spoil everything! It's for my bit-on-the-side!
04:22-Your what? -His bit-on-the-side!
04:26Oh, never mind. It's so long since Rodney had a bit-on-the-side, he didn't know they'd moved it!
04:33-What are you hanging about! Mon dieu! -What?
04:36You want to hide this for a week?
04:38We've got an empty garage on the estate.
04:42You're handy, Del. It'd save me a lot of aggro.
04:47-Right, well, I owe you one then. -Nah. Forget it, Boycie.
04:51If you can't do a pal a favour without expecting something in return... How much was that car?
05:04TYRES SCREECH
05:35Brakes a bit spongy, then?
05:38Brakes? What bloody brakes?
05:41It's a death-trap, Del!
05:44What d'you expect for 25 quid?
06:15-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT Your shock-absorber's gone. -Well, it has now!
06:18-What's it like? -What's what like?
06:21The car, ya dingo! D'you think I meant your flamin' coffee?
06:24Oh! Well, it's... It's...
06:28-It's a bit overpriced. -It's a bit overpriced, yeah.
06:32Says 23,000 on the clock. Is that genuine?
06:35Twenty three... Last time I looked it was over...
06:37Twenty-two and a half thousand.
06:40I had the RAC do a 500-mile test on it. Better safe than sorry, I always say.
06:46Beautiful, in't it? Son et lumière, wouldn't you say?
06:52Well, I wouldn't go that far.
06:55Look at this. Where would you find genuine leather upholstery like that these days?
07:02Do you know that the East African gazelle became an endangered species for this model?
07:07A sacrifice well made, wouldn't you say?
07:09No, I can see you are an enthusiast.
07:14Don't give me that crap, mate! I don't need no help from any Cockney villain!
07:22Cockney villain?
07:25There's no need to be like that, sir. After all, the British and the Australians are cousins.
07:30If your great-grandad hadn't been a bloody villain, you could've been one of us!
07:34EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH
07:38Allow me to point out the optional extras, sir.
07:41The anti-dazzle mirror.
07:44In here, we've got the old one-speed wiper.
07:50And we've got automatic windows.
07:55And, of course, it comes complete with a full two-weeks' MOT still to run.
08:02How many owners? Glad you asked. It's only had the one owner from new
08:07and that was a vicar.
08:09-Vicar? -A vicar.
08:12He used to use it to drive to and from church on a Sunday.
08:16Oh, look... He's left his Bible in the glove compartment!
08:22DEL WHISTLING
08:27MOCK AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: As I was walkin' through Earls Court,
08:30into a pub I was lured,
08:32where a nosey Pom said, "Where you from?" as I downed the amber fluid.
08:38I said, "Get it straight, I'm an Aussie, mate! An' I'm fixin' to get plastered,
08:44"But the beer is crook and the birds all look like you, you Pommy..." Grandad.
08:51-Cheers, Del Boy! -Buy a crate of Odour-Eaters!
08:56Yeah, I've heard they're good.
08:58Bloody murder to swallow, though!
09:01'Ere, where's Peckham's conscience?
09:04He's in his room, pinin' about that little fat bird. Women...
09:11You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother?
09:18No.
09:20The first night, we was in bed and I,
09:24well, you know, Del.
09:26What?
09:28Well, doing what you do when the lights are out.
09:35Holding a seance, was you?
09:38No! You know what I mean.
09:41Anyhow, right in the middle of it,
09:46-do you know what she said to me? -No, what?
09:49She said, "What do you fancy for dinner tomorrow?"
09:56"What do you fancy for dinner tomorrow?"
09:58Bad, innit?
10:02Bet that didn't happen to Omar Shariff. Anyway, what did you say?
10:06Steak and kidney pudding.
10:10SARCASTIC Isn't love wonderful?
10:13Look out, the room is full!
10:15Going to a fancy-dress party?
10:17No, I'm gonna do what Monica did.
10:20Going dancing with Micky Pearce?
10:22No, I'm gonna paint the town red!
10:27Going to Streatham?
10:28No, I'm going up West!
10:32-You, up West? -Yeah!
10:34You'd need a bloody compass to find it!
10:37I'm one of the faces.
10:40Huh! Two halves at the British Legion Club is like a walk on the wild side to you!
10:48I'll lead me own life. And what d'you mean "fancy-dress"?
10:52Well, why are you hittin' the West End looking like a praying mantis?
10:58Lay off! Is that the money from the death-trap you sold to Skippy?
11:05There was nothing wrong with it!
11:07No? The oil light stayed on, the steering didn't take you where you wanted to and the brakes didn't w
11:12Minor faults. And I fixed the oil light.
11:16-You changed the oil? -No, I took the bulb out!
11:21Great!
11:22I never thought you'd stoop to selling instant motorway madness!
11:28Oh, shut up, you tart!
11:30That money is immoral! It's nothing more than blood money!
11:36-Is it? All right, then. -Oi, half of that's mine!
11:41Ah-ha! See? That's the mentality of your spoon-fed student-type!
11:47They spout about humanity,
11:50yet in a fight for a torn fiver, they make Genghis Khan look like a pacifist!
11:58I was stating that half of it is mine. That don't mean I want it.
12:03Oh, I see!
12:06Don't want this then, Rodney?
12:11No.
12:12Oh, what a bind! I'll have to spend it all meself!
12:16-Still going out, are you, Rodney? -Er...yeah.
12:21D'you fancy tagging along to my clubs?
12:25No.
12:26No. But if you need the company, I'll come.
12:29Me? I've got hundreds of friends!
12:32Oh? That's all right then, innit? Good, yeah. Yeah...
12:37There's the cats from the evening class.
12:40Cats? You going dancin' or rattin'?
12:45Rattin'! I like that!
12:46It means ravers, Grandad! These guys really live it up, Del, and I mean live.
12:54Yeah...there's...Dave...an' Bob...
13:00Mike an'...Tony...George...
13:05-Jim. -Jim!
13:07-Why not give them a bell? -Who?
13:09The beautiful people from your classes.
13:13They're not on the phone.
13:14All these swingers ain't got a phone?
13:18All right! Well, are you coming with me, then?
13:23-No, I'll pop down the Nag's Head for a light ale later on. -Oh.
13:28Well, your loss, Del. I'll tell you all about it in the morning, then.
13:34All right.
13:36-Are you coming or not, then? -No!
13:39Okay, then. Well, here I go!
13:42Yeah. See ya, then.
13:46-I'll give the birds your regards, shall I? -Yeah, that's t'riffic.
13:50Right... Well, we have take-off!
13:59DOOR CLOSES
14:01Make up your mind, Del! Are you coming or not?
14:04Bloody kids! Can't even enjoy themselves today!
14:08All right, come on, Soppy!
14:11Well, you can tag along, if you can pay for yourself.
14:16Don't worry, I've got the money! I've got the van keys an' all.
14:20You go easy on the iron jelloids!
14:24We're not going up West in a 3-wheel van?
14:27-I ain't walking! -But your image!
14:31You're very suave and debonair.
14:34I suppose I am a bit ostentatious.
14:39Sit low and no-one will see you arrive.
14:43But I want people to see me arrive!
14:46In a 3-wheel van? Still, we got no choice, have we?
14:49Yes, we have.
14:51We can take Boycie's E-type Jaguar!
14:54Are you sure? Upon your shoulders be it, son. Let's go.
15:01Rodney!
15:16Is it always as dark in 'ere or they having a dummy run for a coal-miners' convention?
15:22-I dunno! -You said this was one of your regular clubs.
15:28-I exaggerated. -How many times have you been here?
15:32Never.
15:34Eh? Why did you bring us in here?
15:37-It looked okay from the outside. -"It looked okay from the outside."
15:41That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum! You berk!
15:48-Not much action for a nightclub, is there? -No.
15:51But then it's only half past seven! It's the last time I come out with you, Rodney!
15:57-Promise, you moaning git? -Watch it!
16:02Ah... Oi! Garçon la petit pois!
16:07-Oh! Parlez-vous Francais? -Jawohl!
16:09Yes! What can I get for you?
16:14I'd like a Caribbean Stallion.
16:16Wouldn't we all, dear?
16:20-What is it? -It's... What is it?
16:24It's an exotic cocktail, created for the jet set.
16:29Roger Moore drank one in Live And Let Die.
16:31SCOFFS I wouldn't put anything past her!
16:38Well, you'd better write this down.
16:40You want a shot of tequila, and a shot of coconut rum, and one of Creme de Menthe.
16:47Then you want a smidgen of Campari with a hint of Angostura's Bitters.
16:53Top it up with grapefruit juice
16:55then you shake it. Do not stir.
16:59Pour that slowly over broken ice,
17:01garnish with a slice of orange, lime and seasonal fruits.
17:06Add a decorative plastic umbrella, two translucent straws, and voila!
17:12Right. And for you?
17:15Half a lager, please.
17:18Half a lager.
17:21Reg Varney drank one of them in Holiday On The Buses!
17:29Is he a bit...funny?
17:33I dunno.
17:34Yeah, he's definitely a bandit, that one.
17:39Tonight, we dance with our backs to the wall, Rodney.
17:44I wonder what Monica's doing now?
17:46Ask Micky Pearce.
17:49I don't talk to him no more.
17:52Look, I'm your brother. You can tell me. What broke you two up?
17:57I found out he was dating Monica!
18:00Not you and Micky bloody Pearce! You and the fat girl!
18:03Oh. Well... She thought I was weird.
18:08Well, not so much weird. More...warped.
18:14Warped?
18:15Yeah...
18:17See, I've got this fantasy.
18:21Uniforms. They turn me on.
18:25Uniforms? You mean, like postmen an' that?
18:31No, women in uniforms! Nurses, air hostesses and my favourite...
18:38Policewomen.
18:41Policewomen? But they nick ya!
18:46What you're trying to tell me is that this Monica bird didn't go a bundle on this dressing-up idea?
18:51I didn't tell her. I tried to do it without her knowing.
18:55You dressed her up as Juliet Bravo without her twiggin'?
18:58No, I was gonna do it gradual.
19:02For her birthday last week, I bought her one of them blue serge suits, and I'd already got her the hat
19:09white with navy blue peak.
19:11For Valentine's Day, I was going to get her black stockings and walking brogues and for Christmas...
19:17You was gonna get a whistle and some handcuffs!
19:22You was lucky she chucked you! Them Panda cars cost a bomb!
19:30And Monica's right. You're a pervo. That is immoral. D'you know that?
19:35Immoral? Today, you sold a clapped-out Batmobile with no brakes!
19:40There's nothing wrong with that motor, it went, didn't it?
19:42Yeah, only it didn't stop. You're like a cigarette rep joining the Festival of Light.
19:48"Die from my profit, but don't play with yourself in between!"
19:54Oh, yeah, all right, Rodney.
19:56I don't mean the geezer no 'arm. I'll pay to have his brakes repaired.
20:02That's good. Tell you what I'll do.
20:05You'll forget about policewomen?
20:07No. I'll accept my 50% of the profit!
20:09Oh, my cup runneth over.
20:12Half a lager for sir, and a Caribbean Stallion for Mandingo.
20:21-That'll be £7. -Blimey, I can get that for 3 quid where I come from!
20:26Oh, you're from Jersey, are you? Enjoy your stay.
20:32-Jersey? -The barman asked if you'd like some evaporated milk with that.
20:39-Tell the barman to get stuffed! -Thank you, sir.
20:45Thank you, sir!
20:47-Del... Del! -What?
20:54No, it's only 7:40. If we pull 'em now, we've gotta buy 'em drinks all night.
20:59We could take 'em back to the flat.
21:01That's an idea! I've got 24 litres of that Yugoslavian Riesling!
21:06We'll pop Grandpa in the meter cupboard!
21:09Yeah! Go on! You can charm a tortoise out of a shell!
21:15Okay. Now you, look, learn and listen. Right?
21:22HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
21:39Okay, drink up. We're leaving.
21:42You are great! You're the last miracle left on this earth!
21:45-Shut up and drink up. -Couple of ravers, eh?
21:49They're a couple of geezers!
22:17DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
22:34-I'm sorry! -What?
22:39I said I'm sorry.
22:41-Shut up! -I didn't know it was that sort of place!
22:46Tonight, I've joined a gay club, discovered my brother's a pervo,
22:51and had a close encounter with two dockers in drag!
22:55You better not tell anybody about this, Rodney! I've got my macho reputation to uphold!
23:01I'm warning you. One person, just one person calls me the Naked Civil Servant and you're dead!
23:07I'm hardly gonna brag that my brother tried to date two transvestites.
23:13Me? It was you clocked 'em!
23:16You... Just shut up! Shut up, will ya?
23:34Del!
23:36-Shut up! -Corner table, to your left. A couple of birds.
23:40It's probably Hinge and Bracket out having a pint!
23:45These are definitely feminine. All the lumps in the right places!
23:50-Yeah? Where? -Here.
23:54No, you wally! I mean where here!
24:02Yes. That'll definitely suit me. Right, come on. Bellies in!
24:07Let's just be ourselves this time! Don't try and put me down!
24:11-All right. Don't you say I'm 35 ! -All right!
24:14Come on, into action.
24:20Oops!
24:21I just dropped the keys to the E-type Jag. It's not mine, it's his!
24:28-Yeah, it's my car. Cheers, Del. -It's all right.
24:31-Using it while my Ferrari's being serviced! -He's 35!
24:37Sit down, will ya? Sit down, Rodney. Keep your brains warm!
24:41Mind if we join you, girls?
24:44Good. This is my brother, Rodney,
24:46and I am Del. That's short for Derek. Nice name, eh?
24:50-Yep. I'm Nicky, this is Michelle. Hi. -They're nice names.
24:58-Not as nice as Derek, though. -No, not a patch on Derek!
25:04Er...
25:08D'you come 'ere often?
25:11I don't believe you! I don't believe you!
25:14-Yes. Do you? -We don't come to London much.
25:19-Where are you from? -Em... Peckham!
25:23Originally from Peckham,
25:25but we spend a lot of time abroad for tax reasons,
25:30on the international professional tennis circuit.
25:33-Del! -He's a player and I'm his manager.
25:39You must've heard of Rodney! The sporting press call him "Hot Rod".
25:45-What's the surname? -Trotter.
25:48-Doesn't ring a bell! -No, we tend to stick to the American tournaments.
25:54-Do you ever play Wimbledon? -No, but we did the Miami Open.
26:00Really? You're not very tanned!
26:04No, it was an indoor tournament.
26:07Yeah, amazing, innit? They call it the Miami Open and then they hold it indoors!
26:14That's the Yanks for you, innit?
26:16Anyway, we...
26:18We can't complain 'cause he won it! Beat Jimmy Connolly in the finals.
26:25Don't you mean Jimmy Connors?
26:28No, he knocked him out in the first round!
26:32-Actually, we're in London to get Rod a new bat. -It's a racquet!
26:37Bloody is, the prices they charge!
26:41Also, we thought it'd be an idea to give us some practice on grass.
26:46In the States, they use astroturf!
26:50-What do you prefer, Rodney? -Pardon?
26:53-Do you prefer astroturf or grass? -Dunno. I've never smoked astroturf!
27:07You wally!
27:11Nah, nah. It's, er... We're not really professional tennis players!
27:17-We're just havin' a laugh! -We know! What do you really do?
27:22We're Concorde pilots!
27:32Light me up a cigar, Rodders.
27:36-We have struck gold there, Del Boy! -It's the Klondike, my son! The Klondike!
27:42It's every bloke's dream, innit? Meetin' a couple of sorts with their own pad in Chelsea.
27:47I hope it's a penthouse. I'm a penthouse sort of person.
27:54If we see them next Friday, perhaps we can stay for the weekend.
27:57-Yeah, watch Match Of The Day! -We won't have to spend much, eh?
28:03Won't have to spend much.
28:06Honestly, Rodney, when it comes down to it, you are completely devoid of any je ne sais quoi.
28:14These aren't your two halves of Stingo, some pork scratchings and Bob's yer uncle type! No, no!
28:21No, we'll take 'em to a Berni Inn.
28:23Yes! I'll bow to your experience and wallet there, Del.
28:29Where's their phone number?
28:30-She wrote it on my cigar pack. -Ace!
28:35-Wh-what cigar pack's that, then, Del? -The one I just gave ya!
28:40-Del... -Yeah.
28:43-You know that cigar pack? -Yeah.
28:45I threw it out the window!
28:48Oh, well, that's all right...
28:53You what!
28:57You pranny!
29:00TYRES SCREECH
29:02CAR HORNS HONKING
29:04TYRES SCREECHING
29:09Oh, my God, I don't believe it. I just do not believe it.
29:15-You've smashed up Boycie's E-type Jaguar. -Me? You was drivin' it!
29:20Don't play bloody word games with me!
29:29What is your game, pal? Are you blind or something?
29:32I'm really sorry about that, mate, but these brakes are a bit dicky.
29:39You!
29:41I've been looking for you two all day. Come here!
29:52# We've got some half-price cracked ice
29:54# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:56# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:59# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
30:02# And Trevor Francis track suits # From a mush in Shepherds Bush
30:07# No income tax, no VAT
30:10# No money back, no guarantee
30:14# Black or white, rich or poor
30:17# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
30:22# God bless Hookey Street!
30:25# Viva Hookey Street!
30:28# Long live Hookey Street!
30:30# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
30:34# Magnifique, Hookey Street #