Only Fools and Horses S01E03 — Cash and Curry

Every line from “Cash and Curry” (370 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one That drives me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
01:09Ah, you made it, Rodders. Good. Well done, my son.
01:15You've got a bloody nerve, Del, phoning me to come and pick you up!
01:21What could I do, Rodney? What?
01:25Listen, I've got the Vauxhall Velox outside, haven't I?
01:29And I've had a few drinky-poos.
01:32I thought, "Get a mini-cab." Then I thought, "No, no."
01:37It's more impressive to get your driver to drive you home
01:43in your Vexhall Vaulox... Vauxhall Velox!
01:47Impressive? Who are you trying to impress?
01:49Shh! A contact, Rodney. A contact.
01:53A new man in the area, stone rich, and looking for "business opportunities".
02:01We could earn out of this, Rodney!
02:04Del, when you phoned, I was in the flat with a friend.
02:10Why didn't you bring him with you?
02:12It wasn't a he!
02:13What was it, then?
02:16Have you been up to naughties?
02:18No, I just felt something was going to develop.
02:22-You've been playing with my Polaroid! -No!
02:27I'll just collect our coats, Derek.
02:29-No rush, Vimal, my old mucker! -Who?
02:34Vimal. Vimal Malik.
02:37My contact.
02:39Say no more.
02:45He said, "She can't come now, 'cause she's weighing the postman!"
02:51'Ere, fancy a nightcap, Vimal? I know a nice little pub that does late tastings.
02:59Thought you'd given me the slip?
03:02Why don't you go away and leave me alone?
03:06I have no quarrel with you, my friend. It's this pig's behind, Malik, that I wish to see!
03:14A friend of yours, Vimal?
03:17He's no-one's friend.
03:19I dunno what this is about and I don't wanna know.
03:24So move before you get a smack in the ear! All right?
03:29Please, don't threaten me with violence.
03:34My colleague here is a Second Dan in karate.
03:39And I'm a black belt in origami.
03:44Now, get out of the way.
03:50EXCLAIMS
04:01Del, watch his kari tari!
04:04I'll watch your kari tari! Shut up!
04:12Police!
04:14THUD
04:21Rodney, you and Vimal, in the car, quick.
04:23Right. Let's go!
04:26It's been pleasant meeting you. Have a nice evening, won't you?
04:31My friend...
04:33It's not good to part in such circumstances. Can we talk?
04:38I've done all my talking.
04:43Goodnight, each!
04:48Rodney, I didn't mean drive off!
04:51What a plonker!
04:57Well, on second thoughts, I quite fancy a nice little chat.
05:02Perhaps you could drop me off home after?
05:06Oh! Oh, dear.
05:08Come on, me old mate. You'll be all right. All right.
05:14'Ere, what happened?
05:21SPEAKS IN HINDI
05:26'Ere, John, that is twice.
05:33Ah, I think your brother has arrived, Mr Trotter.
05:36Eh? Excuse me a minute, Mr Ram.
05:40-Excuse me. Rodney... -Del.
05:43I thought you was in bother!
05:45You took 90 minutes to come! I phoned Grandad.
05:49He said, "Del's been captured by Indians!" I nearly phoned the Texas Rangers!
05:56If you were so worried, how come it took till 12:40 to rescue me?
06:02Because you didn't tell Grandad which Indian restaurant you was in!
06:08I've crashed into every curry house from Battersea to Collier's Wood!
06:14I can leap out of that car, Dukes of Hazzard-style, shouting in Urdu!
06:20All right, I forgive you, Rodney.
06:22-That's nice. -Is there gonna be trouble?
06:26-No! Put the spoon down. -Thank God!
06:30Come on. Rodney, I'd like you to meet Mr Ram. He owns this restaurant.
06:37Of course, you know Oddjob!
06:40Nice restaurant, Mr Ram! Very...eh...
06:44-Indian! -Yeah, Indian.
06:46-Thank you. -Sit down.
06:48I was telling your brother how well I've done since I came to Britain.
06:52I now own 18 restaurants.
06:55I also own a lot of land.
06:58Yeah, Oddjob has a couple of acres!
07:02-Hey! -That's a spoon!
07:04SPEAKS IN HINDI
07:08I tell you, if I got into my car at 9 o'clock in the morning,
07:13it would take until 2:00 to drive round my land.
07:17We had a car like that once!
07:20-What? -Oh, it don't matter.
07:22So, you and Vimal have had a bit of an up and downer?
07:26Don't mention that name. It will sour the food.
07:30What's it all about, then?
07:32I'll tell you, Mr Trotter.
07:34It's about truth, righteousness, but, above all, it's about justice!
07:41Vimal...that pig's behind,
07:44has something that is rightfully mine.
07:48Our families have been engaged in a vendetta for many, many years, going back to the old Empire.
07:56-British Empire, not the Kilburn! -I know that! Pray continue.
08:02Now, my family fought against the British, whereas Malik's supported them.
08:09When the conquest of India was complete,
08:12the British Raj rewarded the Maliks' "loyalty" by giving them my family's land.
08:20-They took it off your family? -That is correct.
08:24They destroyed the home, plundered my family temple and sold the land!
08:30-They built a business empire on the proceeds. -Write to That's Life?
08:37-That's Life? -Yeah.
08:39This was a century ago, Mr Trotter.
08:43If Lord Krishna couldn't help us, Esther Rantzen hasn't much chance!
08:48Just a thought. Oi! Get off!
08:51Vimal Malik has in his possession the one, single item that remains of my birthright.
08:59It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera. You know of Kuvera?
09:05Yeah. Yeah.
09:09-You don't know who Kuvera is! -Yes, I do!
09:13-All right, then, tell us. -What?
09:17-Who is he? -Who?
09:20-Kuvera! -Oh! Well, er...he was... All right, I don't know!
09:26Two 'O' Levels and he thinks he is Bamber Gascoigne's vest!
09:31All right, Mastermind, who is he?
09:35Kuvera...was one of India's premier wicket-keepers!
09:40You berk!
09:42Kuvera is the Hindu god of wealth, from the Trimurti, the Trinity.
09:48Oh, that Kuvera! Gotcha now. There's two of them.
09:52In wordly terms, the statuette is of little value,
09:57but in religious terms it is precious and I want it back.
10:04I am a rich man, Mr Trotter.
10:06I shouldn't stoop to the kind of intimidation you saw tonight.
10:11I'm prepared to buy it back from Malik. I would pay £4,000.
10:20F-f-four thousand pounds?
10:23Why not just make him an offer?
10:26Impossible! This caste system. He's high caste and I am low caste.
10:33Don't put yourself down.
10:35We cannot meet, talk or communicate in any manner.
10:38I am up a gum-tree without a paddle!
10:44It seems to me, Mr Ram, you need a mutual friend, someone to act as a go-between.
10:51Perhaps you and your brother?
10:54What? Us? Well, I suppose we could.
10:59-Why didn't we think of it, Rodney? -I think one of us did, Del.
11:04If you helped me reclaim it, I don't know how I'd reward you!
11:10I fancy a video recorder. But, no, pas de bas. Pas de bas.
11:16We'll go and see this Mr Vimal tomorrow. £4,000, you said, right?
11:22Right. Oh, but I must make one thing quite clear.
11:28I don't trust Vimal Malik. You see, he comes from a long line of swindlers.
11:34I won't part with a single penny until the statuette is in my hands.
11:42Don't worry, Mr Ram. Me and Vimal are like that.
11:47Good job we didn't call the police...
11:53Oh! What happened?
11:58I'm surprised at you, Derek. And you, Rodney.
12:01You ate with that gutter-dog? I thought you were my friends.
12:06We are, Vimal, my old mucker! Just trust me. Trust me.
12:12This Mr Ram, the gutter-dog,
12:15told us all about the little misunderstanding your two families have been having.
12:23He also mentioned the statue of some god.
12:28Kuvera, the god of wealth.
12:30That's him! That's the boy, yeah.
12:33Well, without beating around the bush,
12:38em, well...you know. I mean, well... to cut a long story short,
12:46well...not to put too fine a point on it.
12:51He wants to buy it off you!
12:57Buy from me? He must have gone mad or eaten too many of his own curries!
13:04I wouldn't sell it to him if he offered me a million pounds!
13:09How much did he offer?
13:12-£2,000. -I thought Mr Ram...
13:15Yeah, £1,000, but I persuaded him to double it.
13:20£2,000 ? No, I can't sell to him.
13:23£2,000, Vimal, my old mucker. It's not to be sneezed at, eh?
13:28I won't deny I am tempted, Derek.
13:31I thought of selling it before, but was offered only £150.
13:37Vimal, I get the impression that you're not as rich and successful
13:43as you told me you were last night at the Chamber of Trade bash.
13:47I mean, look at this place. It's hardly The Ritz, is it?
13:51More like The Nits!
13:54I admit I have had some misfortunes in my business dealings lately.
13:58So two grand would be dead handy?
14:02It would be "dead handy" as you say, but I can't communicate with him.
14:08I am high caste and he is low caste.
14:10But you don't have to communicate with him! That's where we come in, we're the go-betweens!
14:17Even so, I cannot accept his offer.
14:20It would be betraying my family.
14:22It was left by my father. Can you understand?
14:27-Yes. Eh, Rodney? -Yeah?
14:31Our late mother, well, she's dead now,
14:37she left us this family heirloom. It was this...this...Victorian globe.
14:44It meant the world to us.
14:47Yes, it meant the world to us. But then we fell upon stony ground.
14:54-Did we, Del? -Yes, we did.
14:57And all we had of value was this globe that we cherished.
15:03-You sold it? -I raffled it.
15:07You understand the sense of loss.
15:09Not really, because luckily Del had the winning ticket!
15:16-I think it was God or something. -You think I should sell it to him?
15:20Of course, Vimal! What is it? It's just an ancient piece of old religious pottery!
15:27With £2,000 wisely invested, in a couple of years you could replace it with...
15:34a Capo Del Monte! Couldn't you?
15:38And I've got to tell you, I think that statue is cursed.
15:44-Cursed? -Leave it out, Del.
15:47You underestimate the dark powers! The god of wealth ain't helped him!
15:54I am not superstitious, but I am a business man and a realist. I will accept his offer.
16:01You know it makes sense, Vimal. I'll fetch the statue. Good man.
16:10-What the? -Excuse me.
16:12DEL: Certainly.
16:15What is your game, Del? How come you only offered £2,000 ?
16:19Slip of the tongue.
16:21So I can tell him the truth?
16:23-No! He'll think it's a con! -It is!
16:28No man is an island, Rodney.
16:30I know that! What I mean is... What does that mean?
16:35Well, the French have a saying, Rodney. "Bouillabaisse, mon ami."
16:42Bouillabaisse, mon ami? That means, "Fish stew, my friend!"
16:47Need I say more?
16:48Don't fob me off! You're trying to con him out of £2,000!
16:53-We'll get lumbered! -How?
16:56Say they meet and discuss the deal?
16:59That's the beauty! They can't meet because of the caste system! It's Christmas come early for us!
17:06Without us, Vimal gets nothing!
17:11£2,000 is better than a kick up the bot from Bobby Charlton!
17:15-It's immoral -Free enterprise!
17:19It's illegal!
17:20All right, but you and I can earn £1,000 a piece out of this.
17:25-It's fraud! -Are you in?
17:28Yeah, all right.
17:35Ah! Oh! Well, this is it, is it, Vimal, my old mucker?
17:41Lovely! That is lovely, that. Wonderful workmanship.
17:46Of course, I'm a Ming fan myself.
17:49He made some wonderful stuff, Ming. Pity he died when he did.
17:54-Ming was a dynasty. -I don't care what he was, he made great vases!
18:00We'll take this to Mr Ram and bring your £2,000 post haste, as they say in Ancient Rome.
18:07No, no, Derek. This does not leave my sight until I see his money.
18:12No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand, you see.
18:16He won't give you a penny until the statue is in his hands.
18:22I don't care. I don't trust him. He comes from a long line of cheats.
18:28Bring his money, then take this.
18:33No, you see, he said,
18:35"Bring me the statue" and then you can have the money.
18:40-I don't care, Derek. -He don't care.
18:43I heard him!
18:45-I'll leave Rodney as a deposit. -Eh?
18:48What else can I do?
18:50He won't let go without the money and he won't get the money until... Gordon Bennett!
18:57This is classic! The bacon and the egg situation!
19:01-Chicken and egg. -Forget food!
19:05Talk to him, Derek. Persuade him to submit to my terms. You have influence over him.
19:11You have already persuaded him to double his offer to £2,000.
19:15Yeah, that's right.
19:18I'll see what I can do, shall I ?
19:21I'll get back to you, all right?
19:25You, you know, stay loose. Okay? Come on.
19:31And don't you worry, Vimal. Me and old Ram are like...like...
19:36We're like that. Yeah. Thanks.
19:44What are we gonna do now?
19:45-Forget it, Del. -How can we?
19:48£2,000 up for grabs? No, no. There's got to be another way.
19:53There isn't. Ram won't pay a penny until he's got the statuette and Vimal wants the money first.
19:59Yeah, cheers. Or what he thinks is Ram's money.
20:05What are you on about now?
20:07Say we had £2,000 lying around doing nothing in particular.
20:13-Just mooching about? -Kicking its heels.
20:17Let's say we gave Vimal that £2,000
20:21and pretended we had just collected it from Mr Ram.
20:25Vimal would think that he'd won the battle
20:29and would hand over the statuette,
20:33which we'd whip round to Mr Ram, who'll think that he's won
20:39and be equally chuffed as a sandboy,
20:42and he'll hand over to us 4,000 lovely smackeroonios!
20:47We would get on our bike, leaving them to play sandcastles!
20:53-Brilliant, eh? -Only one problem.
20:56How the hell do we get £2,000?
21:00You always bring up little details.
21:03-We'll go to a bank! -Rob it?
21:06-Hmm! -Oi!
21:07We'll borrow it. This is gilt-edged security!
21:11You can't borrow money to pull off a con trick! And we've no bank account.
21:18There's got to be another way!
21:24-'Ere, we're general traders. -Yeah.
21:27Well, why don't we start trading generally?
21:30-We could flog all the stock in the garage. The deep freeze... -Three-wheel van?
21:37They'd want a tenner to take it!
21:40There's Grandad's telly... We could flog my jewellery, it's 27 carat.
21:47-I thought it was 9. -When I was buying. Now I'm selling. There's that leather coat.
21:54-Not my coat? -No... Have you got one? That'll do too, Rodney!
22:00Del, we'll never raise two grand!
22:03We can! You can do anything if you want it hard enough.
22:07-We can do it, Rodney! We can do it! -Yeah... Yeah!
22:12Come on, then!
23:29Well, thanks a lot. It's...tempus fugit, eh?
23:33Where's your watch?
23:35I broke it last night playing volleyball.
23:39I thought you were right-handed?
23:41Me? No, no. I'm ambiguous.
23:50Hey! Rodders! What about that, my son? Here I...
24:18CLEARS THROAT
24:20Good afternoon. A table for two?
24:23-No, thank you. -No?
24:24We'd like to see Mr Ram.
24:26-Mr Ram? -The owner.
24:28-The owner? -Terrible echo in here, Rodney.
24:32-We'd like to speak to the owner, Mr Ram. -Ram?
24:35There it goes again!
24:37Listen, we would like to talk to the proprietor of this restaurant.
24:44-I am the proprietor. -No, no.
24:49-We want to see the real owner. -I am the "real owner"!
24:53All right, listen. Hang about. Just watch my lips.
24:58Where is Mr Ram ? Right?
25:02I don't know this Mr bloody Ram. You drunks always cause trouble!
25:08We're not drunks!
25:10I'd a meal here recently. Remember?
25:14Sorry. You all look alike to me.
25:19'Ere, what's he talking about?
25:21He don't know. He's making it up.
25:23-Look, my brother, right? -Me!
25:26He was in dining with a couple of Indian gentlemen, right?
25:32One was sort of large, large and aggressive, right? Big?
25:37One was small... Right?
25:39Smaller than that. Get down!
25:42More business-like.
25:43-He had a beard. -A beard!
25:46-Oh, that Mr Ram! -Yes! Yes!
25:49I know who you are talking about.
25:53He's the one who gave me a bouncy cheque!
25:57I went to the address on the back of the cheque and he had scarpered!
26:04Del Boy...
26:05No, no, no, no...this can't... There's got to be a mistake.
26:10He said he owned 18 restaurants!
26:14Maybe he was fibbing?
26:16F-fibbing? Maybe he was fibbing?
26:21I gave him £2,000 for this on the strength of him fibbing!
26:26£2,000? But, why? You can get them in Portobello Road for £17 each.
26:36It's amazing what you can save if you shop around!
26:42I've got a nose-bleed coming, Rodney!
26:49He tried to tell me that the statue was cursed!
26:54He told me that he thought Kuvera was a wicket-keeper!
27:03Let's see, we've done Cardiff, Bristol, Southampton
27:07and now north and south London. Where next?
27:10Oh, Birmingham, then Manchester and Newcastle, maybe Liverpool.
27:16Wherever people are ready to exploit the religious bigotry of two stupid immigrants!
27:23We'll be very rich, my friend!
27:25I'll drink to that, my old mucker!
27:51No sign of Vimal?
27:53No, he had it away on his toes five minutes after we left!
27:59As Macbeth said to Hamlet in Midsummer Night's Dream,
28:04"We've been done up like kippers!"
28:07-Right. Let's go to the police. -Good idea. Give them a laugh.
28:12Imagine it: Trotter brothers conned out of two grand.
28:18We'd never be able to hold our heads up in court again!
28:22I don't know how people like Vimal and his mate can sleep at night.
28:28We've lost everything, leather coats, the Vauxhall, Grandad's TV.
28:34Del, he was renting that telly!
28:37Oh, terrific.
28:42Let's get something to eat.
28:44I always feel emotionally peckish when I've been gutted!
28:49We could get a curry.
28:52Only joking! Del.
29:01# We've got some half-price cracked ice
29:03# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:05# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:08# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
29:11# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:17# No income tax, no VAT
29:20# No money back, no guarantee
29:23# Black or white, rich or poor
29:26# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
29:31# God bless Hookey Street!
29:34# Viva Hookey Street!
29:37# Long live Hookey Street!
29:40# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
29:43# Magnifique, Hookey Street #