Only Fools and Horses S01E04 — The Second Time Around

Every line from “The Second Time Around” (446 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:01OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:04# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:38Thank you. They're a pleasure to have the flu with.
00:40Hurry up, girls! It's one for the price of two!
00:45Keep taking their money, Rodney. I'm off to the pub for a lemonade.
00:49Get us some pork scratchings.
00:51Pork scratchings? It sounds like a pig with fleas!
00:56Here today, gone tomorrow? No, it's here today, gone this afternoon!
01:04DEL WHISTLES
01:06-All right, Trig? -Del! How's your luck?
01:09You can have it for a nicker.
01:10Joyce, a pint of diesel oil for Trigger
01:13and I'll have a blackcurrant and Pernod.
01:16Thank you.
01:18-Guess who I just saw. -King Feisal of Saudi Arabia.
01:24No, you're miles off, Del.
01:25No, I knew he wouldn't be in here. He'd be in the saloon bar, wouldn't he?
01:31-I'm joking, Trig! -Oh, gotcha!
01:35-It was your ex fiance. -Which one?
01:38Pauline.
01:40Pauline? Pauline Harris?
01:43No, no, you must have been mistaken.
01:46She got married to Bobby Finch and went to live abroad.
01:49Yeah? Who's that sitting over there, then?
01:54DEL CLEARS THROAT
02:00My god, that is her, Trig!
02:03It's at moments like this when I wish I carried an emergency capsule of Brut around with me.
02:07Leave it out, will you? You don't want to get involved with her again. Remember what happened last tim
02:12Yeah, yeah.
02:13Did she ask about me?
02:14Yeah. She wanted to know how much you was earning.
02:19How the hell do you do that?
02:21Oh! I thought it was... What?
02:23I said, she seemed concerned about how much you was earning.
02:28She probably is concerned. Perhaps she's worrying about me.
02:33All right. I'm not gonna get involved.
02:36I'm too shrewd for that.
02:39Eh?
02:40No, I might just go and say hello,
02:43If that is all right with you two!
02:45You want your brains testing!
02:47Yeah, thank you. Did you take one for yourself?
02:51-No. -Good!
02:57Excuse me. Excuse me, squire.
03:17Hello, Pauline!
03:21Del!
03:27Oh, I can't believe it. It's so nice to see you again!
03:31It's nice to see you, Pauline.
03:33What have you got on your lips? What's all that?
03:37It's blackcurrant! It's on your lips.
03:40Blackcurrant! Oh, it's probably from my blackcurrant and Pernod. Sorry.
03:47Oh, thanks! Ta.
03:50Let me wipe that off with, er...
03:57-Sorry. -I haven't seen you for 12 years!
04:01I want to know all that's been happening.
04:04Oh, nothing. Nothing really. I heard you married that Bobby Finch. Where is he now?
04:10-He's down the Blackshaw Road. -In the council flats?
04:13-No. In the cemetery. -Oh!
04:16You mean you didn't know?
04:17No, I'm terribly sorry.
04:21I'd heard you'd gone abroad so I thought you'd both emigrated.
04:27No, after Bobby died, I went to San Francisco to get away.
04:33I got a job as an air-hostess, good salary, uniform, free travel.
04:37It was in your blood. Your mum was a bus conductress.
04:45You never married yourself, Del?
04:47No, I never fancied meself!
04:52No, no.
04:56No, what I mean is
04:59I never met a girl I cared that much about.
05:05Well, there was one.
05:07-But you don't see her? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:11I'm looking at her now.
05:17Where's my pork scratchings?
05:23Sorry, Rodney, I got distracted.
05:25You remember Rodney? He used to be a little scruff.
05:31Look at him now!
05:33He's a BIG scruff, ain't he?
05:36Do you remember Pauline?
05:37Yeah. Pauline Harris.
05:39Yeah. Or is it Mrs Finch?
05:42-No, it's Mrs Baker. I remarried, you see. An American chap. -DEL: Oh! I see.
05:48Divorcee, are you? No, a widow.
05:51He kicked the bucket an' all?
05:54Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean that. Sorry.
05:59She's had two husbands die on her.
06:03One more, she keeps the match ball.
06:06MOUTHS Rodney!
06:08-Excuse me a moment. -Yeah, of course.
06:10I'm just going to powder my nose.
06:13Hurry back, won't you, 'cause I'll be waiting.
06:19"Yes, of course, Pauline. Hurry back, Pauline. And can I pull the chain for you, Pauline?" You make m
06:25You're very hostile towards her!
06:28Can you blame me? I remember how she treated you when you was engaged.
06:31I might have been a child, but I remember how she screwed you up.
06:35That was long ago. When Pauline and me were engaged, we was Mods.
06:40She left me for a bloke with a faster Vespa.
06:44And that's a fair reason?
06:46It was in them days! You wouldn't understand.
06:50In them days, teenage marriages broke up because the husband didn't like the Hollies.
06:56But we're older now, you know. We're more mature. We've developed sensitivity and emotion.
07:03My God!
07:05What would you know about it, eh?
07:07You don't have romantic feelings. You just have animal urges.
07:13You learned the art of seduction by watching Wildlife On One
07:19You've gotta understand, Rodney, you know,
07:23that deep down inside of me, I'm a very sensitive person.
07:28RODNEY SNIGGERS
07:29I am! I am! Look at last Christmas in that film, Love Story.
07:34Look how upset I got then!
07:35I got upset an' all!
07:37I know. I got upset 'cause Ali MacGraw died.
07:40You got upset 'cause Ryan O'Neal didn't!
07:45He's too good-looking, ain't he?
07:47What do you know about it, anyway?
07:49What do you know? I am talking about men and women.
07:52You're still knocking around with brownies!
07:54No, I'm not!
07:55You do! They arrive by skateboard!
08:00All I'm trying to say is don't get hiked up with that Pauline again.
08:05She'll screw you up. Mark my words!
08:08CLEARS THROAT
08:10Look, Rodney,
08:12a lot of water has run under the bridge since me and Pauline broke up.
08:17I know what it's all about now.
08:20I understand the rules of the game.
08:25I know you're concerned for me, and I know you're trying to give me your advice,
08:30but...how can I put it?
08:35Shove it, Rodney! Shove it!
08:40MAN ON TV: It began in the womb of Anglicanism
08:45but the followers of John Wesley came to regard their own authority as soft.
08:50Del Boy's late, ain't he?
08:52I wouldn't worry about it. We'll give him another 15 minutes then phone the morgues.
08:57The morgues?
08:59That Pauline kills them all off. She must be a carrier.
09:04It's bad news him meeting her again today.
09:08I remember the last time.
09:11I mean, up till then we was doing all right.
09:14Well, your mum'd died and your dad had run off and left you...
09:17-Otherwise, tickety-boo? -Right.
09:21Del was out wheelin' and dealin' and we was coming along nice. Then she turned up.
09:27I've never seen anyone change so fast as Del. He was besotted.
09:34They was engaged within the week. Broke up within the month.
09:39Little cow was out sky-larking with other fellas.
09:43Del had more fights than John Wayne.
09:47Well, up till then he was always a strong believer in God and all that.
09:53He didn't go to church.
09:56Didn't carry it to ridiculous lengths.
10:00No, but he always gave the church a few quid towards a new roof.
10:05He said it was a penance as he'd nicked the old one.
10:11But after that, he lost faith.
10:15DOOR SLAMS
10:16Shh. Act natural. Stare vaguely at them tellies.
10:21DEL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY
10:26God Almighty, what's he done?
10:37DEL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY
10:42Gentlemen, attention, gentlemen.
10:46Gentlemen and Grandad, I have an announcement to make.
10:50Pauline and I are engaged to be married!
10:56Don't all burst a blood-vessel, will you, eh?
11:00We'll put an announcement in the Exchange and Mart.
11:05That's a great idea, Rod! Go and get some glasses, go on! We'll celebrate.
11:11We'll celebrate. Yeah!
11:12I'm not gonna celebrate my brother getting hiked up to a gold-digger!
11:17Listen, motor-mouth, I know you don't like Pauline...
11:21-Does it show? -Yes, it does!
11:24I know you don't like the idea, right?
11:28But it's what I want.
11:32Come on, come on!
11:35Come and have a drink, eh? Have a drink, eh?
11:37Yeah, yeah. I'll get some glasses.
11:40Yeah, get some glasses!
11:42Here, Grandad, what d'you think?
11:45I'm saying nothing!
11:47If you want to put yourself in lumber for the rest of your life, it's up to you.
11:53But you haven't heard the best part yet.
11:57This is a double celebration.
11:59Not only have I got engaged to Pauline,
12:03but my bride-to-be has condescended to come and live with us.
12:11Don't say, "Congratulations!" then!
12:13RODNEY: All right!
12:15SLAMS DOOR
12:25Say something, then, Grandad!
12:27There's a film on the other side.
12:30Lots of people get killed in it.
12:48I cleaned that table today.
12:50Good, it won't dirty me plimsolls, then.
12:56-Del! -What?
12:59Rodney!
13:02Well, that was divine, my love. Pas de Calais, as the French say.
13:09Long time since we had steak, eh?
13:12Yes. Me and Grandad had corned beef.
13:15Corned beef?
13:17I'm not cooking for them two as well, Derek.
13:20Just you and me. I didn't come here to be a skivvy.
13:24I know, my petal, but when I gave you the housekeeping money,
13:30I meant you to get grub in for them, too.
13:32I did. I got corned beef.
13:35Ah.
13:36Well, you like a bit of corned beef, don't you, Grandad?
13:44-What's up with you, then? -It's her, innit?
13:47-What? -She's hidden my teeth!
13:54Now...
13:56What've you hidden his teeth for?
13:58You don't know what it's like here.
14:01You and Rodney are at the auctions but I'm stuck here with him.
14:06He nibbles all day long.
14:09There'd be nothing left if I left him to it.
14:11Don't worry. He gets his teeth back at mealtimes.
14:16Well, you know best, eh, petal?
14:25Why don't you and Grandad go out, Rodney? I could be alone for once.
14:30-You wanna be left alone? -Of course!
14:32-Then I'll go, too. -Alone with you!
14:37We never have time to ourselves.
14:40What? You spend half your lives in that bedroom.
14:44Giant pandas mate quicker than you!
14:48Rodney, enough!
14:50All we seem to do of an evening is sit here watching them televisions.
14:55And another thing.
14:57Why does he watch two televisions?
14:59'Cause the other one's broken.
15:02He normally has three?
15:04-Yeah. -He's going senile.
15:07Yeah.
15:09Wouldn't he be happier with company of his own age?
15:13You're not bringing your granny round, are you?
15:16I was thinking of a home.
15:17He's already got a home!
15:19I know a nice place. Bobby's dad died there.
15:25I can't put him in a home, Pauline! He's family!
15:30I'll be family soon.
15:32You go in a home, then!
15:34I don't wanna go in no home!
15:37Don't worry. We're staying put.
15:40Well, we'll have to buy a house of our own, then.
15:43Me buy a house? I couldn't.
15:47As soon as I put my signature on a document, the authorities will know I'm alive.
15:54They'll be round after their pound of flesh quicker than the Mafia!
15:58You could do what my other husbands did, put the house in my name.
16:01Nobody will think it's strange.
16:04I've got the money from the life insurances.
16:07Have you got your life insured, Del?
16:09No. Never thought about dying before!
16:14Well, we'll have to sort that out. A wife does need protection.
16:17Especially with your luck, Pauline.
16:21I fancy an early night, Del.
16:24What, again?
16:28-Come on! -Yes, all right, my love, petal!
16:34Listen, you two... EXCLAIMS IN PAIN
16:44You ready, Grandad?
16:46I just wanna see what happens first.
16:49We both agreed we're not wanted here, so let's go before Del's up.
16:55We can't go without saying goodbye.
16:58OK, we'll say goodbye.
17:02Is Del up yet? No. He needs his sleep. He had a bad night.
17:07It didn't sound too bad from where I was.
17:10-I'll wake him up. -I'll wake him.
17:14I don't want you in that room.
17:16But that's my mum's room!
17:18It used to be. It''s mine now and I don't want you in there. Understood?
17:23-Jawohl, mein Obergruppenführer! -Act your age!
17:28Why don't you bike it, you old bag?
17:33The bedroom's probably filled with her devices of sexual torture.
17:39Del's bound and gagged and bound, and being threatened with French lessons!
17:46Maybe that's why he's been looking a bit seedy.
17:49Yeah. It's hardly through lack of food.
17:53Third World nations would give up their mineral rights for that!
17:57Wonder what happened to his fried slice.
17:59Perhaps he didn't want. His stomach's been dickie.
18:03That's true.
18:05PHONE RINGS
18:08Hello? Hello, Trig. I'll get him.
18:12Pauline, untie Del, will you? He's wanted!
18:17I'm up! What do you mean, "Untie, Del", anyway?
18:21RODNEY: Nothing.
18:23-Who is it? -It's Trig.
18:24Trigger.
18:25Hello, Trig. What do you want? No, no, you didn't disturb me.
18:28I had to get up, I was wanted on the phone.
18:30-Del... -Hang on, Trig.
18:33Cut it out!
18:34I'm just going to put a deposit on that ring.
18:38Another one?
18:40You must have more rings than Bravingtons!
18:43Shut it, Rodney!
18:45What is it with you? Are you trying to corner the world's gold market?
18:50I'll bang you one in a minute!
18:53Don't forget the insurance medical.
18:56I'll see you down the estate agents then we can go on to the bank.
19:00DEL: OK, darling.
19:04-Sieg Heil! -Cut it out! Been sniffing that glue again, have you?
19:11Sorry about that, Trigger. It's just Rodney having one of his fits.
19:15Anyway, what did you want to phone me about?
19:19What's a delicate matter? Eh?
19:23No, I know you're me mate... No, I won't say you're interfering.
19:28I promise I won't tell you to mind your own business! Just spit it out.
19:33Yeah... Did I?
19:39Did you?
19:41Did he?
19:43Well, listen, Trig, why don't you mind your own bloody business, eh? Why are you interfering?
19:49You just keep your nose out of it! All right, pal?
19:54How's Trig keeping?
19:58He had the audacity to say that he'd heard the police had investigated Bobby Finch's death.
20:05Apparently he died of food poisoning.
20:08Food poisoning! Oh!
20:11Your breakfast's getting cold, Del Boy.
20:17Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Grandad.
20:21You know, I think I'm putting on weight. Think I'll go on a diet.
20:27There's no calories in weed-killer!
20:33You make me die, you do!
20:37I suppose Pauline's gone window shopping at Rent-a-Kills?
20:42I'm going to make arrangements for my medical. I'll see you two later.
20:45No, you won't, Del. Me and Grandad are getting out.
20:50Eh? You mean leaving? Leave it out, Rodney! What'll you do for money?
20:56We'll get by. We're thinking of forming a partnership.
20:59Partnership between you two!
21:03Cor, leave it out, Rodney! Are you daft?
21:07You must have noticed some time or another that he doesn't move!
21:11He made the front page of The Lancet as the only living man to be treated for rigor mortis!
21:19Where are you going?
21:21Auntie Rose's in Clacton.
21:23Clacton?
21:25Grandad says we'll be wanted there.
21:27Oh, did he? Well, you'd better go there now, then, the pair of you,
21:34before Pauline comes back with me deadly nightshade!
21:42Rodney!
21:45You don't believe all that rubbish about food poisoning?
21:49'Course not. Eat your mushrooms, Del.
21:59-Rodney! -We're not coming back.
22:01No, hang about, I'm coming with you!
22:11Come on! Bring in the suitcases!
22:16Ha-ha! Surprise! Hello, Auntie!
22:20Bet you're surprised to see us, eh? Come on, you two!
22:26Oh, yes! Very nice!
22:31Here we are! Here, Grandad, change the channels. There's racing on half past two.
22:42What did you put in Pauline's note?
22:45I put, "My dearest, darling Pauline. The engagement's off, the wedding's off and I'm off.
22:52"You've got five days to get out of the flat, and don't come back, you money-grabbing murderess.
22:59"All my love, Del Boy." And a few kisses. That was the gist of it.
23:06She'll most probably smash that flat to pieces!
23:10Have you had enough?
23:11Mmm! That was handsome.
23:14Well, it was Champs Elysees as the French say.
23:18Listen, darling.
23:19We're going to be here for about five days so I want you to take this money.
23:26I don't want you out of pocket.
23:29Well, that's very nice of you.
23:32Do you mind if I ask you something?
23:34Of course not! Maniére d'être!
23:40Who are you?
23:45Who are we?
23:48We've ate all your pie, had a bath each and you don't know who we are?
23:54Well, I didn't like to ask, because you seemed to know me.
24:00Well, we're Joanie's boys, aren't we?
24:03Well, he isn't! You remember, she married Reg Trotter.
24:09You were at the wedding.
24:11I don't remember you.
24:12'Course not! Not at me mum's wedding!
24:17I was only a babe in arms.
24:20-You said come down any time. -When was this, then?
24:23-1947. -So here we are!
24:29You must remember the wedding!
24:32It was at that big church,
24:34Our Lady of the Divine Rosemary, Peckham.
24:39Peckham? I've never been to Peckham in me life!
24:43Mind you, the lady what owned the cottage before me, she came from Peckham.
24:50-Auntie Rose has moved. -Who's this, then?
24:53God knows!
24:55Joanie... Joanie Hollins? Married a Jamaican fella?
25:02-Er, yeah. -Yeah!
25:04-But you don't look very... -We're adopted.
25:07Ohh!
25:10Some apple pie?
25:12Smashing, Auntie! Thank you!
25:21WHISPERS Shh! Come on! Come in here!
25:25Shh! Be alert!
25:28Pauline could come rushing out of any of these rooms, brandishing her pearl-handled flick-knife.
25:35It'll be like Psycho in a tower block!
25:39Listen, I'll take the living-room, Rodney, the bedroom, Grandad, the kitchen.
25:45And good luck!
25:50Go on, son! Go on! Go on, Grandad!
26:08She's not in the bedrooms!
26:10-She done any damage? -No. All the beds are neatly made.
26:14The kitchen's really clean and tidy!
26:18What's her game, then?
26:21There's no way Pauline would leave without doing something nasty.
26:25Hey!
26:28No, that'd be daft. Where would she get a bomb from?
26:33Here's a letter. It's for "that no-good, lying, two-faced creepo."
26:38That'll be for me.
26:43Let's see what she's got to say for herself.
26:47Here we are... That's more like the Pauline I know and love!
26:53Oh, dear, look at the language!
26:57You'd think an ex air-hostess would be able to spell better than that!
27:02-Is that true? -What? No!
27:07Del, did Pauline really mean that much to you?
27:10Hmm? No, no. Not really.
27:15No, somehow it wasn't quite the same.
27:20I think I'm not really cut out for this falling in love lark.
27:32I've got a confession to make, Del.
27:35You know that phone call from Trig about the food poisoning?
27:40Well, it was a wind-up. Me and Grandad put him up to it. We did it for you, Del.
27:50You put him up to it?
27:52It was nothing to do with me, Del. I only suggested it.
27:57That's right. We was only thinking of you, Del!
28:01You was only thinking of me, you couple of rascals!
28:10What am I gonna do with you two?
28:13It got you out of shtuck.
28:15We're OK on our own. We don't need no birds.
28:19If you say so, Grandad!
28:21Go on, put the kettle on, eh?
28:26Look at the way she spells that "pto"!
28:29It's P.T.O. Please Turn Over.
28:32I know what Please Turn Over means!
28:36I'm not illiterate and all that.
28:39Here, there's someone on the phone.
28:41-It's Tim! -Tim who?
28:43Tim the Talking Clock.
28:48Oh, the cow! She only phoned the Talking Clock before she left!
28:52And this is Gordon Bennett! This is dated four days ago.
28:57This Tim's got a funny accent.
29:04She only phoned a talking clock in America!
29:08You mean we're connected to America?
29:11It's amazing, innit?
29:14Hello?
29:15TOGETHER: Hang it up!
29:23# We've got some half-price cracked ice
29:25# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:26# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:30# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
29:33# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:38# No income tax, no VAT
29:41# No money back, no guarantee
29:45# Black or white, rich or poor
29:48# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
29:52# God bless Hookey Street!
29:56# Viva Hookey Street!
29:59# Long live Hookey Street!
30:01# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
30:05# Magnifique, Hooky Street #