lovelyjubbly · episodes

Only Fools and Horses S01E04 — The Second Time Around

Every line from “The Second Time Around” (446 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:01OPENING THEME PLAYING
• 00:04# Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:11# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
• 00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
• 00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
• 00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
• 00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
• 00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
• 00:38Thank you. They're a pleasure to have the flu with.
• 00:40Hurry up, girls! It's one for the price of two!
• 00:45Keep taking their money, Rodney. I'm off to the pub for a lemonade.
• 00:49Get us some pork scratchings.
• 00:51Pork scratchings? It sounds like a pig with fleas!
• 00:56Here today, gone tomorrow? No, it's here today, gone this afternoon!
• 01:04DEL WHISTLES
• 01:06-All right, Trig? -Del! How's your luck?
• 01:09You can have it for a nicker.
• 01:10Joyce, a pint of diesel oil for Trigger
• 01:13and I'll have a blackcurrant and Pernod.
• 01:16Thank you.
• 01:18-Guess who I just saw. -King Feisal of Saudi Arabia.
• 01:24No, you're miles off, Del.
• 01:25No, I knew he wouldn't be in here. He'd be in the saloon bar, wouldn't he?
• 01:31-I'm joking, Trig! -Oh, gotcha!
• 01:35-It was your ex fiance. -Which one?
• 01:38Pauline.
• 01:40Pauline? Pauline Harris?
• 01:43No, no, you must have been mistaken.
• 01:46She got married to Bobby Finch and went to live abroad.
• 01:49Yeah? Who's that sitting over there, then?
• 01:54DEL CLEARS THROAT
• 02:00My god, that is her, Trig!
• 02:03It's at moments like this when I wish I carried an emergency capsule of Brut around with me.
• 02:07Leave it out, will you? You don't want to get involved with her again. Remember what happened last tim
• 02:12Yeah, yeah.
• 02:13Did she ask about me?
• 02:14Yeah. She wanted to know how much you was earning.
• 02:19How the hell do you do that?
• 02:21Oh! I thought it was... What?
• 02:23I said, she seemed concerned about how much you was earning.
• 02:28She probably is concerned. Perhaps she's worrying about me.
• 02:33All right. I'm not gonna get involved.
• 02:36I'm too shrewd for that.
• 02:39Eh?
• 02:40No, I might just go and say hello,
• 02:43If that is all right with you two!
• 02:45You want your brains testing!
• 02:47Yeah, thank you. Did you take one for yourself?
• 02:51-No. -Good!
• 02:57Excuse me. Excuse me, squire.
• 03:17Hello, Pauline!
• 03:21Del!
• 03:27Oh, I can't believe it. It's so nice to see you again!
• 03:31It's nice to see you, Pauline.
• 03:33What have you got on your lips? What's all that?
• 03:37It's blackcurrant! It's on your lips.
• 03:40Blackcurrant! Oh, it's probably from my blackcurrant and Pernod. Sorry.
• 03:47Oh, thanks! Ta.
• 03:50Let me wipe that off with, er...
• 03:57-Sorry. -I haven't seen you for 12 years!
• 04:01I want to know all that's been happening.
• 04:04Oh, nothing. Nothing really. I heard you married that Bobby Finch. Where is he now?
• 04:10-He's down the Blackshaw Road. -In the council flats?
• 04:13-No. In the cemetery. -Oh!
• 04:16You mean you didn't know?
• 04:17No, I'm terribly sorry.
• 04:21I'd heard you'd gone abroad so I thought you'd both emigrated.
• 04:27No, after Bobby died, I went to San Francisco to get away.
• 04:33I got a job as an air-hostess, good salary, uniform, free travel.
• 04:37It was in your blood. Your mum was a bus conductress.
• 04:45You never married yourself, Del?
• 04:47No, I never fancied meself!
• 04:52No, no.
• 04:56No, what I mean is
• 04:59I never met a girl I cared that much about.
• 05:05Well, there was one.
• 05:07-But you don't see her? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 05:11I'm looking at her now.
• 05:17Where's my pork scratchings?
• 05:23Sorry, Rodney, I got distracted.
• 05:25You remember Rodney? He used to be a little scruff.
• 05:31Look at him now!
• 05:33He's a BIG scruff, ain't he?
• 05:36Do you remember Pauline?
• 05:37Yeah. Pauline Harris.
• 05:39Yeah. Or is it Mrs Finch?
• 05:42-No, it's Mrs Baker. I remarried, you see. An American chap. -DEL: Oh! I see.
• 05:48Divorcee, are you? No, a widow.
• 05:51He kicked the bucket an' all?
• 05:54Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean that. Sorry.
• 05:59She's had two husbands die on her.
• 06:03One more, she keeps the match ball.
• 06:06MOUTHS Rodney!
• 06:08-Excuse me a moment. -Yeah, of course.
• 06:10I'm just going to powder my nose.
• 06:13Hurry back, won't you, 'cause I'll be waiting.
• 06:19"Yes, of course, Pauline. Hurry back, Pauline. And can I pull the chain for you, Pauline?" You make m
• 06:25You're very hostile towards her!
• 06:28Can you blame me? I remember how she treated you when you was engaged.
• 06:31I might have been a child, but I remember how she screwed you up.
• 06:35That was long ago. When Pauline and me were engaged, we was Mods.
• 06:40She left me for a bloke with a faster Vespa.
• 06:44And that's a fair reason?
• 06:46It was in them days! You wouldn't understand.
• 06:50In them days, teenage marriages broke up because the husband didn't like the Hollies.
• 06:56But we're older now, you know. We're more mature. We've developed sensitivity and emotion.
• 07:03My God!
• 07:05What would you know about it, eh?
• 07:07You don't have romantic feelings. You just have animal urges.
• 07:13You learned the art of seduction by watching Wildlife On One
• 07:19You've gotta understand, Rodney, you know,
• 07:23that deep down inside of me, I'm a very sensitive person.
• 07:28RODNEY SNIGGERS
• 07:29I am! I am! Look at last Christmas in that film, Love Story.
• 07:34Look how upset I got then!
• 07:35I got upset an' all!
• 07:37I know. I got upset 'cause Ali MacGraw died.
• 07:40You got upset 'cause Ryan O'Neal didn't!
• 07:45He's too good-looking, ain't he?
• 07:47What do you know about it, anyway?
• 07:49What do you know? I am talking about men and women.
• 07:52You're still knocking around with brownies!
• 07:54No, I'm not!
• 07:55You do! They arrive by skateboard!
• 08:00All I'm trying to say is don't get hiked up with that Pauline again.
• 08:05She'll screw you up. Mark my words!
• 08:08CLEARS THROAT
• 08:10Look, Rodney,
• 08:12a lot of water has run under the bridge since me and Pauline broke up.
• 08:17I know what it's all about now.
• 08:20I understand the rules of the game.
• 08:25I know you're concerned for me, and I know you're trying to give me your advice,
• 08:30but...how can I put it?
• 08:35Shove it, Rodney! Shove it!
• 08:40MAN ON TV: It began in the womb of Anglicanism
• 08:45but the followers of John Wesley came to regard their own authority as soft.
• 08:50Del Boy's late, ain't he?
• 08:52I wouldn't worry about it. We'll give him another 15 minutes then phone the morgues.
• 08:57The morgues?
• 08:59That Pauline kills them all off. She must be a carrier.
• 09:04It's bad news him meeting her again today.
• 09:08I remember the last time.
• 09:11I mean, up till then we was doing all right.
• 09:14Well, your mum'd died and your dad had run off and left you...
• 09:17-Otherwise, tickety-boo? -Right.
• 09:21Del was out wheelin' and dealin' and we was coming along nice. Then she turned up.
• 09:27I've never seen anyone change so fast as Del. He was besotted.
• 09:34They was engaged within the week. Broke up within the month.
• 09:39Little cow was out sky-larking with other fellas.
• 09:43Del had more fights than John Wayne.
• 09:47Well, up till then he was always a strong believer in God and all that.
• 09:53He didn't go to church.
• 09:56Didn't carry it to ridiculous lengths.
• 10:00No, but he always gave the church a few quid towards a new roof.
• 10:05He said it was a penance as he'd nicked the old one.
• 10:11But after that, he lost faith.
• 10:15DOOR SLAMS
• 10:16Shh. Act natural. Stare vaguely at them tellies.
• 10:21DEL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY
• 10:26God Almighty, what's he done?
• 10:37DEL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY
• 10:42Gentlemen, attention, gentlemen.
• 10:46Gentlemen and Grandad, I have an announcement to make.
• 10:50Pauline and I are engaged to be married!
• 10:56Don't all burst a blood-vessel, will you, eh?
• 11:00We'll put an announcement in the Exchange and Mart.
• 11:05That's a great idea, Rod! Go and get some glasses, go on! We'll celebrate.
• 11:11We'll celebrate. Yeah!
• 11:12I'm not gonna celebrate my brother getting hiked up to a gold-digger!
• 11:17Listen, motor-mouth, I know you don't like Pauline...
• 11:21-Does it show? -Yes, it does!
• 11:24I know you don't like the idea, right?
• 11:28But it's what I want.
• 11:32Come on, come on!
• 11:35Come and have a drink, eh? Have a drink, eh?
• 11:37Yeah, yeah. I'll get some glasses.
• 11:40Yeah, get some glasses!
• 11:42Here, Grandad, what d'you think?
• 11:45I'm saying nothing!
• 11:47If you want to put yourself in lumber for the rest of your life, it's up to you.
• 11:53But you haven't heard the best part yet.
• 11:57This is a double celebration.
• 11:59Not only have I got engaged to Pauline,
• 12:03but my bride-to-be has condescended to come and live with us.
• 12:11Don't say, "Congratulations!" then!
• 12:13RODNEY: All right!
• 12:15SLAMS DOOR
• 12:25Say something, then, Grandad!
• 12:27There's a film on the other side.
• 12:30Lots of people get killed in it.
• 12:48I cleaned that table today.
• 12:50Good, it won't dirty me plimsolls, then.
• 12:56-Del! -What?
• 12:59Rodney!
• 13:02Well, that was divine, my love. Pas de Calais, as the French say.
• 13:09Long time since we had steak, eh?
• 13:12Yes. Me and Grandad had corned beef.
• 13:15Corned beef?
• 13:17I'm not cooking for them two as well, Derek.
• 13:20Just you and me. I didn't come here to be a skivvy.
• 13:24I know, my petal, but when I gave you the housekeeping money,
• 13:30I meant you to get grub in for them, too.
• 13:32I did. I got corned beef.
• 13:35Ah.
• 13:36Well, you like a bit of corned beef, don't you, Grandad?
• 13:44-What's up with you, then? -It's her, innit?
• 13:47-What? -She's hidden my teeth!
• 13:54Now...
• 13:56What've you hidden his teeth for?
• 13:58You don't know what it's like here.
• 14:01You and Rodney are at the auctions but I'm stuck here with him.
• 14:06He nibbles all day long.
• 14:09There'd be nothing left if I left him to it.
• 14:11Don't worry. He gets his teeth back at mealtimes.
• 14:16Well, you know best, eh, petal?
• 14:25Why don't you and Grandad go out, Rodney? I could be alone for once.
• 14:30-You wanna be left alone? -Of course!
• 14:32-Then I'll go, too. -Alone with you!
• 14:37We never have time to ourselves.
• 14:40What? You spend half your lives in that bedroom.
• 14:44Giant pandas mate quicker than you!
• 14:48Rodney, enough!
• 14:50All we seem to do of an evening is sit here watching them televisions.
• 14:55And another thing.
• 14:57Why does he watch two televisions?
• 14:59'Cause the other one's broken.
• 15:02He normally has three?
• 15:04-Yeah. -He's going senile.
• 15:07Yeah.
• 15:09Wouldn't he be happier with company of his own age?
• 15:13You're not bringing your granny round, are you?
• 15:16I was thinking of a home.
• 15:17He's already got a home!
• 15:19I know a nice place. Bobby's dad died there.
• 15:25I can't put him in a home, Pauline! He's family!
• 15:30I'll be family soon.
• 15:32You go in a home, then!
• 15:34I don't wanna go in no home!
• 15:37Don't worry. We're staying put.
• 15:40Well, we'll have to buy a house of our own, then.
• 15:43Me buy a house? I couldn't.
• 15:47As soon as I put my signature on a document, the authorities will know I'm alive.
• 15:54They'll be round after their pound of flesh quicker than the Mafia!
• 15:58You could do what my other husbands did, put the house in my name.
• 16:01Nobody will think it's strange.
• 16:04I've got the money from the life insurances.
• 16:07Have you got your life insured, Del?
• 16:09No. Never thought about dying before!
• 16:14Well, we'll have to sort that out. A wife does need protection.
• 16:17Especially with your luck, Pauline.
• 16:21I fancy an early night, Del.
• 16:24What, again?
• 16:28-Come on! -Yes, all right, my love, petal!
• 16:34Listen, you two... EXCLAIMS IN PAIN
• 16:44You ready, Grandad?
• 16:46I just wanna see what happens first.
• 16:49We both agreed we're not wanted here, so let's go before Del's up.
• 16:55We can't go without saying goodbye.
• 16:58OK, we'll say goodbye.
• 17:02Is Del up yet? No. He needs his sleep. He had a bad night.
• 17:07It didn't sound too bad from where I was.
• 17:10-I'll wake him up. -I'll wake him.
• 17:14I don't want you in that room.
• 17:16But that's my mum's room!
• 17:18It used to be. It''s mine now and I don't want you in there. Understood?
• 17:23-Jawohl, mein Obergruppenführer! -Act your age!
• 17:28Why don't you bike it, you old bag?
• 17:33The bedroom's probably filled with her devices of sexual torture.
• 17:39Del's bound and gagged and bound, and being threatened with French lessons!
• 17:46Maybe that's why he's been looking a bit seedy.
• 17:49Yeah. It's hardly through lack of food.
• 17:53Third World nations would give up their mineral rights for that!
• 17:57Wonder what happened to his fried slice.
• 17:59Perhaps he didn't want. His stomach's been dickie.
• 18:03That's true.
• 18:05PHONE RINGS
• 18:08Hello? Hello, Trig. I'll get him.
• 18:12Pauline, untie Del, will you? He's wanted!
• 18:17I'm up! What do you mean, "Untie, Del", anyway?
• 18:21RODNEY: Nothing.
• 18:23-Who is it? -It's Trig.
• 18:24Trigger.
• 18:25Hello, Trig. What do you want? No, no, you didn't disturb me.
• 18:28I had to get up, I was wanted on the phone.
• 18:30-Del... -Hang on, Trig.
• 18:33Cut it out!
• 18:34I'm just going to put a deposit on that ring.
• 18:38Another one?
• 18:40You must have more rings than Bravingtons!
• 18:43Shut it, Rodney!
• 18:45What is it with you? Are you trying to corner the world's gold market?
• 18:50I'll bang you one in a minute!
• 18:53Don't forget the insurance medical.
• 18:56I'll see you down the estate agents then we can go on to the bank.
• 19:00DEL: OK, darling.
• 19:04-Sieg Heil! -Cut it out! Been sniffing that glue again, have you?
• 19:11Sorry about that, Trigger. It's just Rodney having one of his fits.
• 19:15Anyway, what did you want to phone me about?
• 19:19What's a delicate matter? Eh?
• 19:23No, I know you're me mate... No, I won't say you're interfering.
• 19:28I promise I won't tell you to mind your own business! Just spit it out.
• 19:33Yeah... Did I?
• 19:39Did you?
• 19:41Did he?
• 19:43Well, listen, Trig, why don't you mind your own bloody business, eh? Why are you interfering?
• 19:49You just keep your nose out of it! All right, pal?
• 19:54How's Trig keeping?
• 19:58He had the audacity to say that he'd heard the police had investigated Bobby Finch's death.
• 20:05Apparently he died of food poisoning.
• 20:08Food poisoning! Oh!
• 20:11Your breakfast's getting cold, Del Boy.
• 20:17Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Grandad.
• 20:21You know, I think I'm putting on weight. Think I'll go on a diet.
• 20:27There's no calories in weed-killer!
• 20:33You make me die, you do!
• 20:37I suppose Pauline's gone window shopping at Rent-a-Kills?
• 20:42I'm going to make arrangements for my medical. I'll see you two later.
• 20:45No, you won't, Del. Me and Grandad are getting out.
• 20:50Eh? You mean leaving? Leave it out, Rodney! What'll you do for money?
• 20:56We'll get by. We're thinking of forming a partnership.
• 20:59Partnership between you two!
• 21:03Cor, leave it out, Rodney! Are you daft?
• 21:07You must have noticed some time or another that he doesn't move!
• 21:11He made the front page of The Lancet as the only living man to be treated for rigor mortis!
• 21:19Where are you going?
• 21:21Auntie Rose's in Clacton.
• 21:23Clacton?
• 21:25Grandad says we'll be wanted there.
• 21:27Oh, did he? Well, you'd better go there now, then, the pair of you,
• 21:34before Pauline comes back with me deadly nightshade!
• 21:42Rodney!
• 21:45You don't believe all that rubbish about food poisoning?
• 21:49'Course not. Eat your mushrooms, Del.
• 21:59-Rodney! -We're not coming back.
• 22:01No, hang about, I'm coming with you!
• 22:11Come on! Bring in the suitcases!
• 22:16Ha-ha! Surprise! Hello, Auntie!
• 22:20Bet you're surprised to see us, eh? Come on, you two!
• 22:26Oh, yes! Very nice!
• 22:31Here we are! Here, Grandad, change the channels. There's racing on half past two.
• 22:42What did you put in Pauline's note?
• 22:45I put, "My dearest, darling Pauline. The engagement's off, the wedding's off and I'm off.
• 22:52"You've got five days to get out of the flat, and don't come back, you money-grabbing murderess.
• 22:59"All my love, Del Boy." And a few kisses. That was the gist of it.
• 23:06She'll most probably smash that flat to pieces!
• 23:10Have you had enough?
• 23:11Mmm! That was handsome.
• 23:14Well, it was Champs Elysees as the French say.
• 23:18Listen, darling.
• 23:19We're going to be here for about five days so I want you to take this money.
• 23:26I don't want you out of pocket.
• 23:29Well, that's very nice of you.
• 23:32Do you mind if I ask you something?
• 23:34Of course not! Maniére d'être!
• 23:40Who are you?
• 23:45Who are we?
• 23:48We've ate all your pie, had a bath each and you don't know who we are?
• 23:54Well, I didn't like to ask, because you seemed to know me.
• 24:00Well, we're Joanie's boys, aren't we?
• 24:03Well, he isn't! You remember, she married Reg Trotter.
• 24:09You were at the wedding.
• 24:11I don't remember you.
• 24:12'Course not! Not at me mum's wedding!
• 24:17I was only a babe in arms.
• 24:20-You said come down any time. -When was this, then?
• 24:23-1947. -So here we are!
• 24:29You must remember the wedding!
• 24:32It was at that big church,
• 24:34Our Lady of the Divine Rosemary, Peckham.
• 24:39Peckham? I've never been to Peckham in me life!
• 24:43Mind you, the lady what owned the cottage before me, she came from Peckham.
• 24:50-Auntie Rose has moved. -Who's this, then?
• 24:53God knows!
• 24:55Joanie... Joanie Hollins? Married a Jamaican fella?
• 25:02-Er, yeah. -Yeah!
• 25:04-But you don't look very... -We're adopted.
• 25:07Ohh!
• 25:10Some apple pie?
• 25:12Smashing, Auntie! Thank you!
• 25:21WHISPERS Shh! Come on! Come in here!
• 25:25Shh! Be alert!
• 25:28Pauline could come rushing out of any of these rooms, brandishing her pearl-handled flick-knife.
• 25:35It'll be like Psycho in a tower block!
• 25:39Listen, I'll take the living-room, Rodney, the bedroom, Grandad, the kitchen.
• 25:45And good luck!
• 25:50Go on, son! Go on! Go on, Grandad!
• 26:08She's not in the bedrooms!
• 26:10-She done any damage? -No. All the beds are neatly made.
• 26:14The kitchen's really clean and tidy!
• 26:18What's her game, then?
• 26:21There's no way Pauline would leave without doing something nasty.
• 26:25Hey!
• 26:28No, that'd be daft. Where would she get a bomb from?
• 26:33Here's a letter. It's for "that no-good, lying, two-faced creepo."
• 26:38That'll be for me.
• 26:43Let's see what she's got to say for herself.
• 26:47Here we are... That's more like the Pauline I know and love!
• 26:53Oh, dear, look at the language!
• 26:57You'd think an ex air-hostess would be able to spell better than that!
• 27:02-Is that true? -What? No!
• 27:07Del, did Pauline really mean that much to you?
• 27:10Hmm? No, no. Not really.
• 27:15No, somehow it wasn't quite the same.
• 27:20I think I'm not really cut out for this falling in love lark.
• 27:32I've got a confession to make, Del.
• 27:35You know that phone call from Trig about the food poisoning?
• 27:40Well, it was a wind-up. Me and Grandad put him up to it. We did it for you, Del.
• 27:50You put him up to it?
• 27:52It was nothing to do with me, Del. I only suggested it.
• 27:57That's right. We was only thinking of you, Del!
• 28:01You was only thinking of me, you couple of rascals!
• 28:10What am I gonna do with you two?
• 28:13It got you out of shtuck.
• 28:15We're OK on our own. We don't need no birds.
• 28:19If you say so, Grandad!
• 28:21Go on, put the kettle on, eh?
• 28:26Look at the way she spells that "pto"!
• 28:29It's P.T.O. Please Turn Over.
• 28:32I know what Please Turn Over means!
• 28:36I'm not illiterate and all that.
• 28:39Here, there's someone on the phone.
• 28:41-It's Tim! -Tim who?
• 28:43Tim the Talking Clock.
• 28:48Oh, the cow! She only phoned the Talking Clock before she left!
• 28:52And this is Gordon Bennett! This is dated four days ago.
• 28:57This Tim's got a funny accent.
• 29:04She only phoned a talking clock in America!
• 29:08You mean we're connected to America?
• 29:11It's amazing, innit?
• 29:14Hello?
• 29:15TOGETHER: Hang it up!
• 29:23# We've got some half-price cracked ice
• 29:25# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
• 29:26# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
• 29:30# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
• 29:33# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
• 29:38# No income tax, no VAT
• 29:41# No money back, no guarantee
• 29:45# Black or white, rich or poor
• 29:48# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
• 29:52# God bless Hookey Street!
• 29:56# Viva Hookey Street!
• 29:59# Long live Hookey Street!
• 30:01# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
• 30:05# Magnifique, Hooky Street #