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Only Fools and Horses S01E05 — A Slow Bus to Chingford
Every line from “A Slow Bus to Chingford” (442 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.
- 00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
- 00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
- 00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
- 00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
- 00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
- 00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
- 00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
- 00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
- 00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
- 00:45SOFT MUSIC PLAYING
- 00:46You see, to me, Janice, art...
- 00:51You know, art... Art must, by its very nature,
- 00:57be self-indulgent, right?
- 00:59As I said to David Hockney once,
- 01:02the inherent element in all artistic projects should not be of contemporary mass appeal
- 01:07but rather one of personal symbolism.
- 01:11Don't you agree, Janice?
- 01:12I dunno, Rodney.
- 01:15Oh, well, you know, that's why I like talkin' to you.
- 01:19You're one of the few people who seems to understand me.
- 01:24My brother Don paints, you know.
- 01:26-Really? -Yeah, for the council.
- 01:30No, that is cosmic, Janice. Really, that is cosmic, that.
- 01:34That's probably why we have the same appreciation and understanding of true art.
- 01:38We have an affinity, an aesthetic bond.
- 01:41We are kindred spirits, Janice.
- 01:44Seekers of beauty in a broken, ugly world.
- 01:49-Janice? -Yes, Rodney?
- 01:51Take your bra off.
- 01:55I can't.
- 01:56'Course you can. You must live and be free.
- 01:59I can't, Rodney.
- 02:01I'm not wearing one.
- 02:05Oh.
- 02:08Well...
- 02:10Oh, yeah.
- 02:17Bit dark in here, innit?
- 02:20Put him down, Janice, you don't know where he's been!
- 02:25Now, what have we here? I'll have a drop of that. Thanks.
- 02:28Don't want this rubbish on, do we?
- 02:30MUSIC ENDS
- 02:32That's better.
- 02:33-Janice, mind his bruises. -What bruises?
- 02:36Bruises. He's covered in them. Where girls keep pushing him away with 10-foot barge poles.
- 02:40SNIGGERS
- 02:42EXCLAIMS That's better.
- 02:46-You're in, are you, Del? -Yes, Rodders. Hope you've been behaving yourself?
- 02:52Remember what I told you, not to do it on your own doorstep.
- 02:55We've been discussin' art.
- 02:58You like art, Del?
- 02:59Oh, yeah. He was Cultural Adviser to the Chelsea Shed!
- 03:03I'm a Renaissance man.
- 03:07I like pictures where the eyes follow you round the room.
- 03:11Last week, down the pie and eel shop, Del shook the art world
- 03:17by stating, quite openly, that Michelangelo was a wally-brain.
- 03:22Well, he was a wally-brain! Took him 12 years to paint one ceiling!
- 03:27Not like your brother.
- 03:30He's on bonus.
- 03:33I do not believe this conversation!
- 03:36Some of those artists are a bit sick if you ask me.
- 03:41RODNEY: What are you on about now?
- 03:43I mean, take a look at this, Rod.
- 03:44Now this is a statuette of the Venus de Milo, right?
- 03:50Now who, but the sick of mind, would do a sculpture of a disabled person?
- 03:55Am I right, Janice?
- 03:58-It is a bit sick, innit? -DEL: There you are.
- 04:00It weren't like that originally!
- 04:02The product of a twisted mind.
- 04:06Talking about which, are you still looking for a job?
- 04:09In this country?
- 04:11With 3 million unemployed? What chance has he got?
- 04:13His big brother will help him.
- 04:17Take one of your purple hearts, Rodney. I have a surprise.
- 04:20I have got you a position with a new security company.
- 04:25They wanted experience, and as your last job was a milk monitor...
- 04:31I had some trouble persuading them. But, I managed to swing it for you.
- 04:36Are you putting me on, Del?
- 04:37No! I've got a job for you, Rod.
- 04:40That's great, Del.
- 04:43You'll start off as a trainee NSO.
- 04:45-No! -Yes, my son.
- 04:48Use your filbert, keep your nose clean, an' you could end up as a SENIOR NSO.
- 04:55I will, Del. I won't let you down.
- 04:57What's an NSO?
- 04:59DEL SNIGGERS
- 05:00Oh, don't be gauche, Janice.
- 05:03BOTH: "What's an NSO?"
- 05:04-They don't know they're born, some of 'em, do they? -That's right.
- 05:09Tell her, Del.
- 05:12An NSO, Janice, is a Nocturnal Security Officer.
- 05:16Yeah, a Nocturnal Security Officer... That sounds like a night-watchman's job.
- 05:22It's nothing like a night-watchman.
- 05:24I mean, you will have to work at night.
- 05:27And will I be "watching"?
- 05:30No, they won't. No. Well, no... I mean, you just have to... You know...
- 05:38Keep an eye out.
- 05:40What's the name of this company?
- 05:43Ah, you wouldn't know them.
- 05:45Try me. Come on, let's have it.
- 05:48DEL: All right. It's called...
- 05:51Trotter Watch.
- 05:54Trotter Watch? It's you, innit? I'm working for you, ain't I?
- 05:57The way I see it, Rodney, crime is a growth industry. So, I am striking while the iron is hot.
- 06:03Nice regular job, good wages...
- 06:07How good?
- 06:08We'll talk about that later. First, let us try on your uniform.
- 06:13Come on, slip into it.
- 06:15Oh, the colour suits you.
- 06:19Yes, look at that fit.
- 06:22Oh, yes, deja vu... It's like it's made-to-measure.
- 06:26Yeah, for someone else.
- 06:29Ah, well...he'll grow into it.
- 06:33Let's have a look.
- 06:34T.W.?
- 06:35Trotter Watch.
- 06:38It could also stand for Traffic Warden.
- 06:40Well, yeah, I suppose it could.
- 06:43This is a traffic warden's uniform, isn't it ?
- 06:45It is not.
- 06:47You've got me done up as a bloody traffic warden.
- 06:50DEL: It is not a traffic warden's uniform.
- 06:54Trust me, will ya? Put your cap on.
- 07:00Well?
- 07:01I look like a traffic warden! One that ain't been well!
- 07:06No, you look stunning, Rodders.
- 07:09You're emitting authority all over the place.
- 07:14I'm not doing it, Del. I don't want the job.
- 07:16You can't let me down. I gave them your word!
- 07:20To who?
- 07:21The Tyler Street Bus and Coach Garage.
- 07:24No, I'm definitely not doing it, Del.
- 07:27Yeah, okay. 'Course, if you're scared...
- 07:31Admit it. You're scared. Allemagne, dix points.
- 07:36Janice will understand.
- 07:40Me, scared? You must be joking!
- 07:44That's the spirit. Now, I want you down there 9 o'clock tomorrow night sharp.
- 07:50Now I'm going to bed.
- 07:53Oh, by the way... Excuse me, Janice...
- 07:55Sorry, Janice.
- 07:57Your bondage rope's in the garage and Grandad washed yer whip. It's in the airing cupboard.
- 08:04Don't think it's shrunk.
- 08:06So I'll leave you two lovebirds, and I shall just say Buenos Aires.
- 08:14Janice!
- 08:16Janice, he was only...
- 08:19You rotten git, Del.
- 08:28DEL: Well, I'll leave it all in your capable hands, Rodders.
- 08:31Cheers, Del. You realise this job's gonna mess up my love-life?
- 08:36You've got every second Sunday off.
- 08:38What about Janice? She could be out with someone else.
- 08:44Don't worry. Why d'you think I'm dressed up?
- 08:50-I'm takin' Janice out. -You are?
- 08:53'Course I am. For your sake. Otherwise she might go out with somebody else.
- 08:58Yeah, but...
- 09:01Yeah.
- 09:03Cheers, Del.
- 09:06-But if she's... -Why the plimsolls?
- 09:09-What? -Why are you wearing plimsolls?
- 09:14They rather mar the symmetry of the uniform.
- 09:17I can run faster. You know, pursue and detain.
- 09:24No... Nothing happens round here.
- 09:28Quiet as a grave.
- 09:31Well, see you in the morning, Rod. Take care now.
- 09:36Yeah. Don't worry about me, Del. I'll be all right.
- 09:50GATE RATTLES
- 09:59WHISTLES
- 10:02TUNE ECHOES
- 10:14WHISTLES
- 10:17TUNE ECHOES
- 10:36Here y'are, Grandad.
- 10:39Look at that. It's beautiful, innit? This'll make our fortunes.
- 10:44Come on, Rodney, it's 8:50.
- 10:47I used to be a security officer, before the war.
- 10:51Blimey, you a security officer?
- 10:55That's like trusting a piranha fish with your finger.
- 11:01Or worse.
- 11:03It was a big warehouse over Kilburn way.
- 11:07Stocked everything from furniture to kiddies' toys.
- 11:13One fella there arrived every morning in a big Wolseley car.
- 11:18He wore a camel-hair overcoat, kid gloves, carried a brand-new leather attache-case,
- 11:27and smoked expensive cigars.
- 11:30Well, call it intuition if you like, but I was suspicious of him.
- 11:37Why?
- 11:38Well, he were only a sweeper-up.
- 11:43Oh, how do you do it, Holmes?
- 11:47Anyhow, one night as he was leaving, I stopped him and I searched his attache-case.
- 11:54It were empty.
- 11:56Unperturbed by this minor hiccough in my investigation,
- 12:02I stopped him and searched his attache-case every night for a whole year! Then he left.
- 12:10Oh, I wonder why?
- 12:12I don't remember. I think he claimed someone was victimising him.
- 12:19No unions in them days.
- 12:21No. Well, this is it, eh?
- 12:25Anyway, a couple of weeks after he left, the auditors come. Know what they discovered?
- 12:31We was missin' 348 attache-cases!
- 12:37You mean you'd been searching the stolen gear?
- 12:41Yeah. And I got done for it.
- 12:44Fingerprints.
- 12:47There's a moral to this story, Del Boy, but for the life of me I can't find it.
- 12:54I'm not gonna look either.
- 12:57Hello, the son of the bride of Dracula.
- 13:00What time is it?
- 13:02It's nearly 9 o'clock.
- 13:04I'm gonna be late.
- 13:07Sit down.
- 13:09Take it easy. Let me get you a cup of tea, all right?
- 13:12Here.
- 13:14You still takin' my part with Janice?
- 13:15Yes. I won't let you down.
- 13:18Cheers. How am I doing?
- 13:20Very well. Very well.
- 13:22One more steak meal could crack it.
- 13:26Yeah? I haven't done this well for ages.
- 13:29I never found it easy to get girlfriends either, Rodney.
- 13:35DEL: I wonder why.
- 13:36Hey, it's still light out. It's broad daylight.
- 13:40It would be, at 9 in the morning.
- 13:439 o'clock in the morning?
- 13:46I've only been in bed 20 minutes! Why'd you wake me?
- 13:49Sit down. Don't exaggerate.
- 13:53Listen... This is important.
- 13:56What could be that important? I haven't got Janice into trouble, have we?
- 14:01Don't be silly! At least, I hope not.
- 14:05This night security job of yours is merely a tiny part of my immaculate scheme.
- 14:12What scheme?
- 14:14The tourist trade, Rodney. Tourists are pouring into London at the rate of 2,000 a day.
- 14:20I happen to know the coach-party trade is falling off.
- 14:27IMITATING RODNEY Why is that, Del?
- 14:29Since you ask, Rodney... Your average tourist gets fed up
- 14:34with the Houses of Parliament, Buck House, the National Gallery...
- 14:40Once you've seen one Reubens you've seen them all.
- 14:44So a dynamic person like me steps in.
- 14:46Wake up while I'm being dynamic!
- 14:49-Sorry, go on. -Right.
- 14:51There's a new, vibrant, exciting London waitin' to be discovered.
- 14:57-Is there? -'Course there is.
- 15:00-Ethnic London. -Ethnic London?
- 15:04Yes. Romantic places you've only heard about in fairy tales...
- 15:09The Lee Valley viaduct,
- 15:13the glow of Lower Edmonton at dusk,
- 15:16the excitement of a walkabout in Croydon.
- 15:20Look what I've had printed.
- 15:22I don't believe this. "Trotters Ethnic Tours."
- 15:27What's the squiggly stuff and the Chinese?
- 15:30Arabic. And the Chinese is Japanese.
- 15:3390% of all foreign tourists come from abroad, so we need the lingo.
- 15:40-We? -Oui, French! I like it.
- 15:42You're picking up the lingo.
- 15:46That's enthusiasm, Rodney.
- 15:48I meant what do you mean, "we"?
- 15:51We, us. Well, the family. Grandad'll be selling the programmes, I'll be the courier,
- 15:59and you, Rodney, have the best job.
- 16:02You will drive the bus.
- 16:04MIMICS BUS ENGINE
- 16:06Ding-ding. Hold tight, everybody!
- 16:09It's another wage, Rodney.
- 16:11I've got a wage, Del.
- 16:13You can't live on what I pay you.
- 16:15How much is that?
- 16:16Not a lot. I can't afford to.
- 16:20See, I done a deal. You see, with the bus garage.
- 16:25I provide them with a nightwa... nocturnal security operative,
- 16:31and they provide me with a bus. Avoids all that paper-work...
- 16:37-And income tax. -Income tax, yeah.
- 16:41What about it, Rodney? A lot of effort's gone into this enterprise.
- 16:46Grandad was out this morning distributing these leaflets to every hotel and boarding-house.
- 16:55Grandad believes in this scheme.
- 16:59It's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- 17:02See?
- 17:04Del, I can't work all night and then drive a bus round ethnic London.
- 17:11I got to sleep, Del. My whole body's crying out for it.
- 17:15Yeah, yeah. Tell you what.
- 17:18I'll get you some assistance at the garage...an ex-police dog.
- 17:25-An ex-police dog? -Yeah.
- 17:28Now, d'you fancy some breakfast?
- 17:30I wouldn't say no, Del.
- 17:32Come on then.
- 17:34While you're in there, make me a bacon sandwich.
- 17:38Where are you gonna get an ex-police dog from?
- 17:42I'll get him Nero.
- 17:45Nero?
- 17:46Janice's corgi.
- 18:08DEL SIGHS
- 18:12We clearly stated on our leaflets that 9 o'clock was departure time.
- 18:16Here we are, 11:30, and no sign of 'em.
- 18:19I told you no-one will turn up.
- 18:22Yes, they will.
- 18:24As soon as the word spreads, they'll be here in droves.
- 18:27Will this bus be big enough though?
- 18:32Perhaps two...
- 18:34A tandem would be too big.
- 18:37Leave it out, will yer?
- 18:38I bet you not one single tourist arrives.
- 18:43I bet you 50 quid.
- 18:45-Right, 50 quid, you're on. -Right, then.
- 18:49-All right. -Right.
- 18:50-Right. -Right.
- 18:51Shut up, you two, will ya?
- 18:54I didn't get a wink of sleep last night, takin' that rotten dog for walkies and whatnot.
- 19:00He saw a cat and ran a mile.
- 19:04Well, cats aren't Nero's strong point.
- 19:08With burglars, he's a tower of strength.
- 19:12Where's all these tourists then, for the ethnic tour round Chingford?
- 19:18Don't worry. They'll be here.
- 19:21-Huh! -Shut up, you.
- 19:24-How much are you charging for this tour? -17 quid each.
- 19:29Seventeen pounds for a walkabout in Croydon?
- 19:32That includes lunch, traditional British fare...
- 19:36-Doner kebab. -Doner kebab?
- 19:39-For 17 nicker I'd want Donna Summers. -You're a tightwad.
- 19:44These tourists don't mind, providing they get value for money.
- 19:50They'll snap these souvenirs of Olde London up.
- 19:55It's a snip, that is, at a fiver. Almost alabaster, you know.
- 19:59This is a Roman statue, now housed in the Louvre in Paris
- 20:04as souvenirs of olde London? It's the Venus de Milo, Del.
- 20:09No, that is Boadicea, that is.
- 20:12Boadicea rode in a chariot with swords stickin' out the wheels.
- 20:17So she fell off her chariot.
- 20:20It's a rip-off.
- 20:22Au contraire, Rodney. Au contraire.
- 20:26I don't wanna leave them potless. I want them to give us a tip.
- 20:33As a courier, what do you actually know about these obscure places you're dragging 'em to?
- 20:41Nothing. But don't worry, Rodney. I'll bluff it. Use the old spiel.
- 20:47If they ask any dodgy questions, I'll say I can't understand their English. Eh?
- 20:53Don't worry. It'll be a doddle.
- 20:57SIGHS
- 20:58I'll take 'em down to Shoreditch, show 'em the house where Sherlock Holmes was born.
- 21:06Sherlock Holmes was fictional.
- 21:08Was he? Well, I'll say his house got blown up in the war.
- 21:12Tomorrow, I shall take 'em to the summit of Mount Pleasant.
- 21:16The summit?
- 21:19Can't you stand heights?
- 21:21Mount Pleasant hasn't got a summit. Just a post office sorting depot.
- 21:28That's ethnic, innit, eh?
- 21:31We can show 'em the workers getting the most from our post.
- 21:37Rodney...wake up.
- 21:39They'll be here in their hundreds in a minute.
- 21:47DEL: I'll take 'em over to North London, show 'em where Jack the Ripper was buried.
- 21:52RODNEY: Nobody knows where Jack the Ripper was buried.
- 21:55DEL: They can't prove me wrong then.
- 22:00Shall we give up, Del?
- 22:03Yeah, all right. You go and begin your nightshift.
- 22:07Cheers, Del.
- 22:08DEL: I want you back first thing in the morning.
- 22:11And don't forget to take Nero out so he can do his business.
- 22:28Pint of lager, Rodney.
- 22:31They'd sold out of Pina Coladas, Del, so I got you a Mackeson.
- 22:36Good thinking.
- 22:38Thank you, Grandad.
- 22:43What if people ask about the history of places... say the Elephant and Castle?
- 22:50Well, I'd just say that Richard the Lionheart,
- 22:56or Coeur de Lion as the French called him, which he did not like...
- 23:01A little intimate knowledge there, Rod.
- 23:05Well, his castle was near the roundabout.
- 23:09The Elephant bit?
- 23:12I'll say...Hannibal and his elephants laid siege to the castle.
- 23:19And Bob's your uncle.
- 23:21Hannibal crossed the Alps.
- 23:24On his way to the castle.
- 23:27I'll say the natives had never seen an elephant before and were sorely afraid.
- 23:32That is how it became the Elephant and Castle.
- 23:38If they'd never seen an elephant before, how would they know one?
- 23:46For God's sake, Grandad, an elephant's a bloody elephant. You can't odds that! I mean...
- 23:52You can't look at an elephant and call a place the Cow and Castle.
- 23:57But you're not telling them the truth, are you?
- 23:59Truth! You're so naive, Rodders.
- 24:03"The truth is relative to what you can earn from a lie." Einstein.
- 24:08I'll tell you a truth, no one's gonna turn up.
- 24:14They will turn up. They've got to.
- 24:17This time next year we'll be millionaires.
- 24:22You said that this time last year!
- 24:25You're eating, ain't ya?
- 24:31I wanted to do this for years, Rodney.
- 24:34If we could make a go of it, eventually we'd go legit.
- 24:40"Trotters Independent Traders"
- 24:44would be a proper McCoy company.
- 24:48I have this dream... You and I own this skyscraper block on the South Bank.
- 24:55We're on the balcony of the penthouse suite with a couple of sorts,
- 25:00Gabrielle and Bianca,
- 25:05bra-less but with class...
- 25:07Here, do you know your Janice doesn't wear a bra?
- 25:10Yeah, I know.
- 25:13Rubber plants and pine,
- 25:17sipping red drinks.
- 25:21On top of the skyscraper, in 50 foot high neon letters, are the initials
- 25:27of Trotters Independent Traders. Good, eh?
- 25:32Terrific.
- 25:34They've got to come.
- 25:36It's the way every success starts, with a great big rip-off.
- 25:41Grandad's right. No-one's gonna turn up.
- 25:44Yes, they will. Wait and see.
- 25:48I think that dream of yours contains a subliminal message.
- 25:51Yeah... Eh?
- 25:53A sort of subconscious truth.
- 25:56You see this skyscraper belonging to Trotters Independent Traders, right?
- 26:00Yeah.
- 26:01And on the roof are the company's initials?
- 26:06Don't you see?
- 26:08As you're standing on that balcony with your red drink, just above your head in neon lights
- 26:15is the word tit.
- 26:28Come on, let's call it a day.
- 26:35You owe me 50 quid on that bet.
- 26:38Eh? Oh, all right, you old...pessimist.
- 26:45DEL SIGHS
- 27:02What about our wages then, Del?
- 27:05Oh, yeah. I meant to talk to you about that.
- 27:29SIGHS
- 27:30I thought this was gonna be the big one, Rodney.
- 27:32I was gonna be the Freddie Laker of the highways.
- 27:35It was a nice try.
- 27:38But I don't understand it.
- 27:40Grandad distributed 1000 leaflets.
- 27:44You'd have thought at least one punter would've come.
- 27:49Still, as dear old Mum used to say, "It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won."
- 27:56Dear old Mum. She used to say such bloody stupid things.
- 28:02I'll chuck this down the chute.
- 28:05Thirty, thirty five. Forty, forty-five, fifty...
- 28:10Well, that weren't too bad, Rodney.
- 28:13Two days away from the housework, a nice little drink,
- 28:17and I've won meself a 50 quid bet.
- 28:20Very nice indeed.
- 28:25Where's Del Boy?
- 28:27Oh, he's just gone to chuck that sign down the dust chute. The dust chute?
- 28:33Oh, my God!
- 28:35DEL: Grandad!
- 28:40Come here, you senile old parasite.
- 28:43It wasn't me, Del, it was me brain!
- 28:47It wasn't your... I'll brain you when I catch hold of you!
- 28:51Come on, Del.
- 28:59# We've got some half-price cracked ice
- 29:01# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
- 29:03# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
- 29:06# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
- 29:09# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
- 29:15# No income tax, no VAT
- 29:18# No money back, no guarantee
- 29:21# Black or white, rich or poor
- 29:24# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
- 29:29# God bless Hookey Street!
- 29:32# Viva Hookey Street!
- 29:35# Long live Hookey Street!
- 29:38# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
- 29:41# Magnifique, Hookey Street #