Only Fools and Horses S01E05 — A Slow Bus to Chingford

Every line from “A Slow Bus to Chingford” (442 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:18# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:45SOFT MUSIC PLAYING
00:46You see, to me, Janice, art...
00:51You know, art... Art must, by its very nature,
00:57be self-indulgent, right?
00:59As I said to David Hockney once,
01:02the inherent element in all artistic projects should not be of contemporary mass appeal
01:07but rather one of personal symbolism.
01:11Don't you agree, Janice?
01:12I dunno, Rodney.
01:15Oh, well, you know, that's why I like talkin' to you.
01:19You're one of the few people who seems to understand me.
01:24My brother Don paints, you know.
01:26-Really? -Yeah, for the council.
01:30No, that is cosmic, Janice. Really, that is cosmic, that.
01:34That's probably why we have the same appreciation and understanding of true art.
01:38We have an affinity, an aesthetic bond.
01:41We are kindred spirits, Janice.
01:44Seekers of beauty in a broken, ugly world.
01:49-Janice? -Yes, Rodney?
01:51Take your bra off.
01:55I can't.
01:56'Course you can. You must live and be free.
01:59I can't, Rodney.
02:01I'm not wearing one.
02:05Oh.
02:08Well...
02:10Oh, yeah.
02:17Bit dark in here, innit?
02:20Put him down, Janice, you don't know where he's been!
02:25Now, what have we here? I'll have a drop of that. Thanks.
02:28Don't want this rubbish on, do we?
02:30MUSIC ENDS
02:32That's better.
02:33-Janice, mind his bruises. -What bruises?
02:36Bruises. He's covered in them. Where girls keep pushing him away with 10-foot barge poles.
02:40SNIGGERS
02:42EXCLAIMS That's better.
02:46-You're in, are you, Del? -Yes, Rodders. Hope you've been behaving yourself?
02:52Remember what I told you, not to do it on your own doorstep.
02:55We've been discussin' art.
02:58You like art, Del?
02:59Oh, yeah. He was Cultural Adviser to the Chelsea Shed!
03:03I'm a Renaissance man.
03:07I like pictures where the eyes follow you round the room.
03:11Last week, down the pie and eel shop, Del shook the art world
03:17by stating, quite openly, that Michelangelo was a wally-brain.
03:22Well, he was a wally-brain! Took him 12 years to paint one ceiling!
03:27Not like your brother.
03:30He's on bonus.
03:33I do not believe this conversation!
03:36Some of those artists are a bit sick if you ask me.
03:41RODNEY: What are you on about now?
03:43I mean, take a look at this, Rod.
03:44Now this is a statuette of the Venus de Milo, right?
03:50Now who, but the sick of mind, would do a sculpture of a disabled person?
03:55Am I right, Janice?
03:58-It is a bit sick, innit? -DEL: There you are.
04:00It weren't like that originally!
04:02The product of a twisted mind.
04:06Talking about which, are you still looking for a job?
04:09In this country?
04:11With 3 million unemployed? What chance has he got?
04:13His big brother will help him.
04:17Take one of your purple hearts, Rodney. I have a surprise.
04:20I have got you a position with a new security company.
04:25They wanted experience, and as your last job was a milk monitor...
04:31I had some trouble persuading them. But, I managed to swing it for you.
04:36Are you putting me on, Del?
04:37No! I've got a job for you, Rod.
04:40That's great, Del.
04:43You'll start off as a trainee NSO.
04:45-No! -Yes, my son.
04:48Use your filbert, keep your nose clean, an' you could end up as a SENIOR NSO.
04:55I will, Del. I won't let you down.
04:57What's an NSO?
04:59DEL SNIGGERS
05:00Oh, don't be gauche, Janice.
05:03BOTH: "What's an NSO?"
05:04-They don't know they're born, some of 'em, do they? -That's right.
05:09Tell her, Del.
05:12An NSO, Janice, is a Nocturnal Security Officer.
05:16Yeah, a Nocturnal Security Officer... That sounds like a night-watchman's job.
05:22It's nothing like a night-watchman.
05:24I mean, you will have to work at night.
05:27And will I be "watching"?
05:30No, they won't. No. Well, no... I mean, you just have to... You know...
05:38Keep an eye out.
05:40What's the name of this company?
05:43Ah, you wouldn't know them.
05:45Try me. Come on, let's have it.
05:48DEL: All right. It's called...
05:51Trotter Watch.
05:54Trotter Watch? It's you, innit? I'm working for you, ain't I?
05:57The way I see it, Rodney, crime is a growth industry. So, I am striking while the iron is hot.
06:03Nice regular job, good wages...
06:07How good?
06:08We'll talk about that later. First, let us try on your uniform.
06:13Come on, slip into it.
06:15Oh, the colour suits you.
06:19Yes, look at that fit.
06:22Oh, yes, deja vu... It's like it's made-to-measure.
06:26Yeah, for someone else.
06:29Ah, well...he'll grow into it.
06:33Let's have a look.
06:34T.W.?
06:35Trotter Watch.
06:38It could also stand for Traffic Warden.
06:40Well, yeah, I suppose it could.
06:43This is a traffic warden's uniform, isn't it ?
06:45It is not.
06:47You've got me done up as a bloody traffic warden.
06:50DEL: It is not a traffic warden's uniform.
06:54Trust me, will ya? Put your cap on.
07:00Well?
07:01I look like a traffic warden! One that ain't been well!
07:06No, you look stunning, Rodders.
07:09You're emitting authority all over the place.
07:14I'm not doing it, Del. I don't want the job.
07:16You can't let me down. I gave them your word!
07:20To who?
07:21The Tyler Street Bus and Coach Garage.
07:24No, I'm definitely not doing it, Del.
07:27Yeah, okay. 'Course, if you're scared...
07:31Admit it. You're scared. Allemagne, dix points.
07:36Janice will understand.
07:40Me, scared? You must be joking!
07:44That's the spirit. Now, I want you down there 9 o'clock tomorrow night sharp.
07:50Now I'm going to bed.
07:53Oh, by the way... Excuse me, Janice...
07:55Sorry, Janice.
07:57Your bondage rope's in the garage and Grandad washed yer whip. It's in the airing cupboard.
08:04Don't think it's shrunk.
08:06So I'll leave you two lovebirds, and I shall just say Buenos Aires.
08:14Janice!
08:16Janice, he was only...
08:19You rotten git, Del.
08:28DEL: Well, I'll leave it all in your capable hands, Rodders.
08:31Cheers, Del. You realise this job's gonna mess up my love-life?
08:36You've got every second Sunday off.
08:38What about Janice? She could be out with someone else.
08:44Don't worry. Why d'you think I'm dressed up?
08:50-I'm takin' Janice out. -You are?
08:53'Course I am. For your sake. Otherwise she might go out with somebody else.
08:58Yeah, but...
09:01Yeah.
09:03Cheers, Del.
09:06-But if she's... -Why the plimsolls?
09:09-What? -Why are you wearing plimsolls?
09:14They rather mar the symmetry of the uniform.
09:17I can run faster. You know, pursue and detain.
09:24No... Nothing happens round here.
09:28Quiet as a grave.
09:31Well, see you in the morning, Rod. Take care now.
09:36Yeah. Don't worry about me, Del. I'll be all right.
09:50GATE RATTLES
09:59WHISTLES
10:02TUNE ECHOES
10:14WHISTLES
10:17TUNE ECHOES
10:36Here y'are, Grandad.
10:39Look at that. It's beautiful, innit? This'll make our fortunes.
10:44Come on, Rodney, it's 8:50.
10:47I used to be a security officer, before the war.
10:51Blimey, you a security officer?
10:55That's like trusting a piranha fish with your finger.
11:01Or worse.
11:03It was a big warehouse over Kilburn way.
11:07Stocked everything from furniture to kiddies' toys.
11:13One fella there arrived every morning in a big Wolseley car.
11:18He wore a camel-hair overcoat, kid gloves, carried a brand-new leather attache-case,
11:27and smoked expensive cigars.
11:30Well, call it intuition if you like, but I was suspicious of him.
11:37Why?
11:38Well, he were only a sweeper-up.
11:43Oh, how do you do it, Holmes?
11:47Anyhow, one night as he was leaving, I stopped him and I searched his attache-case.
11:54It were empty.
11:56Unperturbed by this minor hiccough in my investigation,
12:02I stopped him and searched his attache-case every night for a whole year! Then he left.
12:10Oh, I wonder why?
12:12I don't remember. I think he claimed someone was victimising him.
12:19No unions in them days.
12:21No. Well, this is it, eh?
12:25Anyway, a couple of weeks after he left, the auditors come. Know what they discovered?
12:31We was missin' 348 attache-cases!
12:37You mean you'd been searching the stolen gear?
12:41Yeah. And I got done for it.
12:44Fingerprints.
12:47There's a moral to this story, Del Boy, but for the life of me I can't find it.
12:54I'm not gonna look either.
12:57Hello, the son of the bride of Dracula.
13:00What time is it?
13:02It's nearly 9 o'clock.
13:04I'm gonna be late.
13:07Sit down.
13:09Take it easy. Let me get you a cup of tea, all right?
13:12Here.
13:14You still takin' my part with Janice?
13:15Yes. I won't let you down.
13:18Cheers. How am I doing?
13:20Very well. Very well.
13:22One more steak meal could crack it.
13:26Yeah? I haven't done this well for ages.
13:29I never found it easy to get girlfriends either, Rodney.
13:35DEL: I wonder why.
13:36Hey, it's still light out. It's broad daylight.
13:40It would be, at 9 in the morning.
13:439 o'clock in the morning?
13:46I've only been in bed 20 minutes! Why'd you wake me?
13:49Sit down. Don't exaggerate.
13:53Listen... This is important.
13:56What could be that important? I haven't got Janice into trouble, have we?
14:01Don't be silly! At least, I hope not.
14:05This night security job of yours is merely a tiny part of my immaculate scheme.
14:12What scheme?
14:14The tourist trade, Rodney. Tourists are pouring into London at the rate of 2,000 a day.
14:20I happen to know the coach-party trade is falling off.
14:27IMITATING RODNEY Why is that, Del?
14:29Since you ask, Rodney... Your average tourist gets fed up
14:34with the Houses of Parliament, Buck House, the National Gallery...
14:40Once you've seen one Reubens you've seen them all.
14:44So a dynamic person like me steps in.
14:46Wake up while I'm being dynamic!
14:49-Sorry, go on. -Right.
14:51There's a new, vibrant, exciting London waitin' to be discovered.
14:57-Is there? -'Course there is.
15:00-Ethnic London. -Ethnic London?
15:04Yes. Romantic places you've only heard about in fairy tales...
15:09The Lee Valley viaduct,
15:13the glow of Lower Edmonton at dusk,
15:16the excitement of a walkabout in Croydon.
15:20Look what I've had printed.
15:22I don't believe this. "Trotters Ethnic Tours."
15:27What's the squiggly stuff and the Chinese?
15:30Arabic. And the Chinese is Japanese.
15:3390% of all foreign tourists come from abroad, so we need the lingo.
15:40-We? -Oui, French! I like it.
15:42You're picking up the lingo.
15:46That's enthusiasm, Rodney.
15:48I meant what do you mean, "we"?
15:51We, us. Well, the family. Grandad'll be selling the programmes, I'll be the courier,
15:59and you, Rodney, have the best job.
16:02You will drive the bus.
16:04MIMICS BUS ENGINE
16:06Ding-ding. Hold tight, everybody!
16:09It's another wage, Rodney.
16:11I've got a wage, Del.
16:13You can't live on what I pay you.
16:15How much is that?
16:16Not a lot. I can't afford to.
16:20See, I done a deal. You see, with the bus garage.
16:25I provide them with a nightwa... nocturnal security operative,
16:31and they provide me with a bus. Avoids all that paper-work...
16:37-And income tax. -Income tax, yeah.
16:41What about it, Rodney? A lot of effort's gone into this enterprise.
16:46Grandad was out this morning distributing these leaflets to every hotel and boarding-house.
16:55Grandad believes in this scheme.
16:59It's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard.
17:02See?
17:04Del, I can't work all night and then drive a bus round ethnic London.
17:11I got to sleep, Del. My whole body's crying out for it.
17:15Yeah, yeah. Tell you what.
17:18I'll get you some assistance at the garage...an ex-police dog.
17:25-An ex-police dog? -Yeah.
17:28Now, d'you fancy some breakfast?
17:30I wouldn't say no, Del.
17:32Come on then.
17:34While you're in there, make me a bacon sandwich.
17:38Where are you gonna get an ex-police dog from?
17:42I'll get him Nero.
17:45Nero?
17:46Janice's corgi.
18:08DEL SIGHS
18:12We clearly stated on our leaflets that 9 o'clock was departure time.
18:16Here we are, 11:30, and no sign of 'em.
18:19I told you no-one will turn up.
18:22Yes, they will.
18:24As soon as the word spreads, they'll be here in droves.
18:27Will this bus be big enough though?
18:32Perhaps two...
18:34A tandem would be too big.
18:37Leave it out, will yer?
18:38I bet you not one single tourist arrives.
18:43I bet you 50 quid.
18:45-Right, 50 quid, you're on. -Right, then.
18:49-All right. -Right.
18:50-Right. -Right.
18:51Shut up, you two, will ya?
18:54I didn't get a wink of sleep last night, takin' that rotten dog for walkies and whatnot.
19:00He saw a cat and ran a mile.
19:04Well, cats aren't Nero's strong point.
19:08With burglars, he's a tower of strength.
19:12Where's all these tourists then, for the ethnic tour round Chingford?
19:18Don't worry. They'll be here.
19:21-Huh! -Shut up, you.
19:24-How much are you charging for this tour? -17 quid each.
19:29Seventeen pounds for a walkabout in Croydon?
19:32That includes lunch, traditional British fare...
19:36-Doner kebab. -Doner kebab?
19:39-For 17 nicker I'd want Donna Summers. -You're a tightwad.
19:44These tourists don't mind, providing they get value for money.
19:50They'll snap these souvenirs of Olde London up.
19:55It's a snip, that is, at a fiver. Almost alabaster, you know.
19:59This is a Roman statue, now housed in the Louvre in Paris
20:04as souvenirs of olde London? It's the Venus de Milo, Del.
20:09No, that is Boadicea, that is.
20:12Boadicea rode in a chariot with swords stickin' out the wheels.
20:17So she fell off her chariot.
20:20It's a rip-off.
20:22Au contraire, Rodney. Au contraire.
20:26I don't wanna leave them potless. I want them to give us a tip.
20:33As a courier, what do you actually know about these obscure places you're dragging 'em to?
20:41Nothing. But don't worry, Rodney. I'll bluff it. Use the old spiel.
20:47If they ask any dodgy questions, I'll say I can't understand their English. Eh?
20:53Don't worry. It'll be a doddle.
20:57SIGHS
20:58I'll take 'em down to Shoreditch, show 'em the house where Sherlock Holmes was born.
21:06Sherlock Holmes was fictional.
21:08Was he? Well, I'll say his house got blown up in the war.
21:12Tomorrow, I shall take 'em to the summit of Mount Pleasant.
21:16The summit?
21:19Can't you stand heights?
21:21Mount Pleasant hasn't got a summit. Just a post office sorting depot.
21:28That's ethnic, innit, eh?
21:31We can show 'em the workers getting the most from our post.
21:37Rodney...wake up.
21:39They'll be here in their hundreds in a minute.
21:47DEL: I'll take 'em over to North London, show 'em where Jack the Ripper was buried.
21:52RODNEY: Nobody knows where Jack the Ripper was buried.
21:55DEL: They can't prove me wrong then.
22:00Shall we give up, Del?
22:03Yeah, all right. You go and begin your nightshift.
22:07Cheers, Del.
22:08DEL: I want you back first thing in the morning.
22:11And don't forget to take Nero out so he can do his business.
22:28Pint of lager, Rodney.
22:31They'd sold out of Pina Coladas, Del, so I got you a Mackeson.
22:36Good thinking.
22:38Thank you, Grandad.
22:43What if people ask about the history of places... say the Elephant and Castle?
22:50Well, I'd just say that Richard the Lionheart,
22:56or Coeur de Lion as the French called him, which he did not like...
23:01A little intimate knowledge there, Rod.
23:05Well, his castle was near the roundabout.
23:09The Elephant bit?
23:12I'll say...Hannibal and his elephants laid siege to the castle.
23:19And Bob's your uncle.
23:21Hannibal crossed the Alps.
23:24On his way to the castle.
23:27I'll say the natives had never seen an elephant before and were sorely afraid.
23:32That is how it became the Elephant and Castle.
23:38If they'd never seen an elephant before, how would they know one?
23:46For God's sake, Grandad, an elephant's a bloody elephant. You can't odds that! I mean...
23:52You can't look at an elephant and call a place the Cow and Castle.
23:57But you're not telling them the truth, are you?
23:59Truth! You're so naive, Rodders.
24:03"The truth is relative to what you can earn from a lie." Einstein.
24:08I'll tell you a truth, no one's gonna turn up.
24:14They will turn up. They've got to.
24:17This time next year we'll be millionaires.
24:22You said that this time last year!
24:25You're eating, ain't ya?
24:31I wanted to do this for years, Rodney.
24:34If we could make a go of it, eventually we'd go legit.
24:40"Trotters Independent Traders"
24:44would be a proper McCoy company.
24:48I have this dream... You and I own this skyscraper block on the South Bank.
24:55We're on the balcony of the penthouse suite with a couple of sorts,
25:00Gabrielle and Bianca,
25:05bra-less but with class...
25:07Here, do you know your Janice doesn't wear a bra?
25:10Yeah, I know.
25:13Rubber plants and pine,
25:17sipping red drinks.
25:21On top of the skyscraper, in 50 foot high neon letters, are the initials
25:27of Trotters Independent Traders. Good, eh?
25:32Terrific.
25:34They've got to come.
25:36It's the way every success starts, with a great big rip-off.
25:41Grandad's right. No-one's gonna turn up.
25:44Yes, they will. Wait and see.
25:48I think that dream of yours contains a subliminal message.
25:51Yeah... Eh?
25:53A sort of subconscious truth.
25:56You see this skyscraper belonging to Trotters Independent Traders, right?
26:00Yeah.
26:01And on the roof are the company's initials?
26:06Don't you see?
26:08As you're standing on that balcony with your red drink, just above your head in neon lights
26:15is the word tit.
26:28Come on, let's call it a day.
26:35You owe me 50 quid on that bet.
26:38Eh? Oh, all right, you old...pessimist.
26:45DEL SIGHS
27:02What about our wages then, Del?
27:05Oh, yeah. I meant to talk to you about that.
27:29SIGHS
27:30I thought this was gonna be the big one, Rodney.
27:32I was gonna be the Freddie Laker of the highways.
27:35It was a nice try.
27:38But I don't understand it.
27:40Grandad distributed 1000 leaflets.
27:44You'd have thought at least one punter would've come.
27:49Still, as dear old Mum used to say, "It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won."
27:56Dear old Mum. She used to say such bloody stupid things.
28:02I'll chuck this down the chute.
28:05Thirty, thirty five. Forty, forty-five, fifty...
28:10Well, that weren't too bad, Rodney.
28:13Two days away from the housework, a nice little drink,
28:17and I've won meself a 50 quid bet.
28:20Very nice indeed.
28:25Where's Del Boy?
28:27Oh, he's just gone to chuck that sign down the dust chute. The dust chute?
28:33Oh, my God!
28:35DEL: Grandad!
28:40Come here, you senile old parasite.
28:43It wasn't me, Del, it was me brain!
28:47It wasn't your... I'll brain you when I catch hold of you!
28:51Come on, Del.
28:59# We've got some half-price cracked ice
29:01# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:03# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:06# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
29:09# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:15# No income tax, no VAT
29:18# No money back, no guarantee
29:21# Black or white, rich or poor
29:24# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
29:29# God bless Hookey Street!
29:32# Viva Hookey Street!
29:35# Long live Hookey Street!
29:38# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
29:41# Magnifique, Hookey Street #