Only Fools and Horses S01E06 — The Russians Are Coming

Every line from “The Russians Are Coming” (406 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:01OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:04# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:08# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:19# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:56-Well, this is it. -This is what?
00:58What I bought this morning.
01:01What?
01:03This.
01:04-The land? -No, you plonker!
01:09This pile of bricks. Only cost me 100 nicker. Nice one, eh?
01:16Oh, shrewd move, Del! I mean, people are panic-buying bricks nowadays, aren't they?
01:23Who the hell's gonna buy a pile of old bricks of us?
01:26Oh... A butcher or chemist.
01:30Who do you think is gonna buys bricks? Builders! There's 200% profit here, and all in the readies!
01:38Come here.
01:42They've just demolished a factory here that used to make pre-fabricated structures, right.
01:47Chalets, bungalows, greenhouses, that sort of thing.
01:52So, I thought, using my noddle, that we'd make enough out of the bricks alone,
01:57but you never know what's underneath, do you?
01:59Decent lengths of timber, bits of metal, few gross of them roofing tiles.
02:08Come and see what I found.
02:26Get yer feelers on that.
02:31It's lead, Del !
02:33It's pure lead!
02:37There's 30 more boxes underneath.
02:40I estimate three ton altogether.
02:42Three ton? What's that at today's prices?
02:46That's about £1,000 !
02:49Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?
02:52Let's get some of it on the van. We'll do it in three shifts. Come on.
02:57Is it ours, Del ?
03:01-'Course it's ours. -Legally, Del ?
03:05Don't split hairs with me, Rodney. Come on!
03:16GROANS WITH EFFORT
03:20That's the lot, Del Boy.
03:24Not there, Grandad! We've got three tons of it so we have to spread it around.
03:30Otherwise we'll be having tea with Mrs Oboko downstairs.
03:36Right. I do hope all this is not disturbing your royal highness?
03:41-No, don't mind me. You carry on. -Thanks.
03:44Grandad, you've been carrying this one upside-down! This is the way.
03:49METAL RATTLING
03:54Oh, you are a lazy little bark. Is that another dirty book you're reading?
04:00You've got a mind like a plain brown envelope.
04:03-I'll have a look at that when you've finished. -It's paperwork I found in a box.
04:07-Do you know what we've got here? -Yeah, three ton of lovely lead.
04:12No, it's more than that. That factory was producing pre-fabricated structures, right?
04:17Bungalows, garden sheds etc. This was one of their experimental lines.
04:22It's a do-it-yourself nuclear fall-out shelter.
04:26SNIGGERS Nuclear fall-out shelter...
04:30You are a wally!
04:33It is, honest. Look, here's the brochure, here's the plan showing you how to build it.
04:41He's right! This is a nuclear fall-out shelter. It's probably worth more than we thought!
04:47-You can't sell it! -Don't want to put money on it, do you?
04:49What else can we do with it? Build it?
04:51-Yeah. -Leave it out, Rodney!
04:55We've come so close to World War III over Cuba, Vietnam, Afghanistan and Poland!
05:02It only takes a little rumbling in the Middle East and missiles are going to start flying.
05:06And what have we got to combat the might of the Soviet Union?
05:10Three jump-jets and a strongly-worded letter to the Russian Ambassador!
05:14No, no! You don't know what us Brits have up our sleeves!
05:18We can track their nuclear subs. They can't keep track on ours.
05:24We've only got one.
05:26-Have we? -I think so.
05:28Well, they don't know where it is. Then again, do we?
05:33Bet your life we don't.
05:35This country's just not prepared for war.
05:38Nobody knows what we're supposed to do in the event.
05:41Of course we do.
05:43All right, then. What would you do if you heard the four minute warning?
05:47Well, what's it sound like first?
05:51That's it! No one knows.
05:53Maybe they'll ring church bells or tell every ice-cream van in the country to play its jingle.
06:00Your guess is as good as mine.
06:02The great powers have enough nuclear weapons to destroy this planet 30 times over!
06:11Neutron bombs, Del.
06:14Multi-warheads, chemicals that attack your central nervous system that leave you writhing in agony lik
06:20Like you after a curry?
06:24Don't worry, forget about it.
06:28We've got £1,000 here. Just think of what we do with it. We can eat, drink and be merry.
06:33For tomorrow we die!
06:36Del, this is a godsend. If we build this thing we'll be safe.
06:41It's got the inner and outer walls, the air tubes, filters, everything. Come on, Del !
06:46-Sorry. -All right, soppy!
06:51Just suppose that we built it. Where would we put it?
06:56You always fancied a weekend place. How about a spot in the New Forest?
07:03How do we get from Peckham to the New Forest in four minutes, you old div?
07:09Grandad's allotment.
07:11It's a couple of miles away. We could get to it in four minutes.
07:14On a Sunday, with a following wind. Maybe.
07:16Let's give it a go. We'll have a dummy run. I'll get me stopwatch.
07:20STUTTERING IN BAFFLEMENT
07:22What's the point? Say you can do it in four minutes, what is it going to prove?
07:28Knowing them Russian rats, they will probably declare war in the middle of rush hour.
07:41-Where's Grandad? -I don't know.
07:47DEL: Come on. Hurry up, you stupid old git!
07:58-Get in! -Three minutes and counting!
08:02Yes, all right, Rodney.
08:04The missiles just passed Sweden.
08:06A bloody fast, are we? They only left Siberia 20 seconds ago!
08:13ENGINE STARTS
08:24RODNEY: Two minutes 15 seconds and counting. Missiles are over the sea and approaching Middlesborough.
08:29It's all right, Rodney.
08:31-All right! Put yer foot down, Del! -I can't! I'm coming to a main road.
08:38How's it your side, Rodney?
08:40All right after this red one.
08:44RODNEY: No!
08:46TYRES SCREECH
08:48Bloody 'ell! I meant that red one!
08:50DEL: You tit, Rodney!
08:53RODNEY: They just flew over Luton.
08:56DEL: Sod Luton!
08:59RODNEY: One minute 35 and counting.
09:01SIREN WAILING
09:24INAUDIBLE
09:31Wayne, switch it off!
09:35SIREN OFF
09:43He's young, enthusiastic. How are you, Del ?
09:47Not bad, Eric. Yourself?
09:49Can't complain. Hello, Grandad.
09:52Hello, Eric Boy.
09:56Sixty mph? You just heard the 4-minute warning?
10:02-Well, as it happens... -Where's your tax disc?
10:05In the post.
10:06Where's the little sign saying so?
10:09It fell off.
10:11You been on them funny fags again, Rodney?
10:14-No! -Good. Wayne wants his first nick.
10:18You might be able to help me, Del.
10:22I'm after some stolen summer-wear.
10:24Slacks, swimming trunks, bikinis...
10:29Are you after a promotion?
10:31No! Me and the wife are off to Corfu.
10:36Well, if I hear, I'll let you know.
10:39Good luck. See you. And, oi, take it easy.
10:46SIREN
10:49ERIC: Stop playing with that siren!
10:55-How're we doing? -We're dead.
11:00Terrific. We'll never do it in four minutes.
11:04It's not the end of the world.
11:06I thought it was!
11:08It's too far away.
11:11GRANDAD: I've been thinking.
11:12Give him an aspirin!
11:15I may have found us just the spot.
11:22VOICES ECHOING
11:24RODNEY: Is that door shut? DEL: Don't worry. No radiation can get in 'ere.
11:28What's this pipe?
11:30THUMPING
11:32Don't do that. It's fragile. Del, don't!
11:36That's our air filter, our umbilical cord!
11:41And you must never bash an umbilical cord with a hammer!
11:45I see.
11:47So this is our only source of oxygen!? What happens if a pigeon nests in the other end?
11:52We're all dead, I suppose?
11:54Pigeons don't nest during nuclear wars.
11:57-This isn't a nuclear war! -We're practising for one.
12:00Do the bloody pigeons know that?
12:02A pigeon will not nest in our tube! Have faith in me, please.
12:06Don't trust him, Del Boy.
12:09He said my telly would work in 'ere!
12:14I said sorry! There's some pages missing in this brochure. I don't know everything.
12:21Anyway, that's why we're having this weekend practice, to iron out the wrinkles.
12:25Well, this has to be back at that site first thing Monday morning.
12:32Or them Paddies'll go mad.
12:45You are a wally, you really are.
12:50You don't have to stay here, Del.
12:52I do! I've got £1,000-worth of lead tied up in this shelter.
12:59You two would probably lose it!
13:03Oh, just think what I could do with £1,000.
13:07I could fly to America, I could buy myself a flash Rollocks watch.
13:15Have me adenoids out privately.
13:18But how many people have their own private nuclear fall-out shelter?
13:24That's true. With our luck, there won't be a bloody war!
13:29We ought to bomb Russia and then declare war on them.
13:35We can say the declaration got held up by a communist-inspired PO strike.
13:43That's typical of a ruthless little mercenary like you, innit?
13:47Me? Who goes round the estate every Christmas making sure the old folk have enough to eat and drink!
13:54And who drove round during the riot in Brixton selling paving stones to the rioters?
14:03Did you think they'd all run home and start building patios?
14:08Mine is not to reason why... Mine is but to sell and buy.
14:15Anyway, the trouble with them kids in Brixton is frustration.
14:21Society has denied them the birthright of a war.
14:26I don't believe you! You're saying war is our birthright!
14:29Yes, it is.
14:31For centuries,
14:34every generation of British youth has been guaranteed a decent war.
14:38But that "Over the top, take that, Fritz"
14:44type of courage is obsolete.
14:47The next war will be fought by computer programmers.
14:51That's what frustrates modern youth. You see 'em in the arcades,
14:56doing their National Service on the Space Invaders.
15:01But a real war is Errol Flynn
15:06leading the gallant 600 into the Valley of Death.
15:10John Mills marooned in a dinghy.
15:13Kenneth More not letting a little thing like no legs get him down.
15:21Glorious and valiant war, that...
15:23-Don't talk like a berk, Del! -What?
15:25What do you know about it?
15:27The only war you ever fought is the inch war.
15:31I seen all the films!
15:33Tomato sauce and stuntmen!
15:36I remember when I was a nipper, seeing the soldiers marchin' off to battle.
15:41Oh, yes, it was a glorious sight.
15:46Yeah, them spears and chariots must have stirred the blood.
15:50-Just hear him out! -All right.
15:53My brother was at Passchendaele.
15:56Nigh on half a million died there, all for five miles of mud!
16:03I was at King's Cross Station when his regiment came home after the armistice.
16:08Most off them was carried off the train.
16:11I saw men with limbs missing,
16:14blind men,
16:16men whose lungs had been shot to bits by mustard gas.
16:22While the nation celebrated, they was hidden away,
16:26in big, grey buildings, far from the public gaze.
16:30I mean, courage like that could put you right off your victory dinner.
16:38They promised us homes fit for heroes,
16:42they gave us heroes fit for homes.
16:49I...I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
16:53What principle?
16:56On the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
17:01The politicians and the military men used to con you, you see.
17:06They had youngsters believing that their country really did need them.
17:12They had lads of 14 pretending to be 18 just so they could fight for their King and country!
17:19They accepted the little sprogs?
17:21Yeah. My brother lied about his age.
17:25Pretended he was 18?
17:27No! He was 18. He pretended he was 14.
17:31But they saw through it.
17:33I think it was the moustache.
17:36Yeah. 14-year-olds can't...
17:41Bloody hell.
17:47BANGING
17:49What are you doing?
17:51I think there's a pigeon nesting in our air-tube...
17:55But I'll frighten it away.
17:59The battery's low an' all.
18:12How long do they last?
18:16About 12 hours each.
18:18Have we been here 12 hours?
18:21Only 36 to go. Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?
18:26Listen, Oppenheimer,
18:31if a bomb was to drop round 'ere, how long would we 'ave to stay in 'ere?
18:36Well, it depends upon the degree of contamination outside.
18:40We're in a vulnerable position being so close to the docks.
18:43But I would say, roughly, about two years.
18:50-BOTH: Two years? -Give or take a week or two.
18:54If you think I'm spending two years in a lead-lined nissen hut
18:58with you two and a chemical bloody kazi, you've another thing coming.
19:03But we'd die of radiation poisoning out there!
19:07If we stay inside, we'll die of bloody lead poisoning!
19:12The rescue team will whip us to a scrap metal yard!
19:17Yeah. And these batteries that purify the air last 12 hours, right?
19:24So how many of them do we need? You're the one with the Maths GCE.
19:30Well, it's two a day, seven days a week... Two sevens are fourteen...
19:36Two sevens are 14! Just like that! No hesitation!
19:40Shut up! So that's 14 times 52...
19:44Twice.
19:46I know! That works out at about... 1,450-odd.
19:54And I thought we'd need a lot.
19:58So all we need is 1,450 heavy-duty batteries,
20:03five tons of canned food, 30,000 gallons of fresh water,
20:08and a huge warehouse to store it all in.
20:12I said there'd be some wrinkles.
20:16A few wrinkles?
20:18We've got more wrinkles than an elephant's bleedin' trunk!
20:23All things considered, I think I'd rather be outside
20:27and go instantly with the bomb.
20:30You think it would be instant?
20:33Them bombs contain Strontium 90, not Nescafe!
20:37They cause radioactive rain to fall.
20:42That penetrates the skin, causing violent sores and disease.
20:47Best not wear anything decent, eh?
20:50Be serious for a minute?
20:53Look, it's here: "Then the radiation begins to attack your metabolism,
20:58"you undergo drastic biological changes."
21:01That's metamorphosis.
21:03Yeah. Yeah...
21:07Anyway... "Your shape and form will alter radically as the mutation takes effect."
21:12Doesn't sound too promising, do it, Del boy?
21:15I mean, you have a job getting a suit off the peg now.
21:20All right, you can laugh!
21:22But this city will be inhabited
21:25by vacant-eyed sub-humans dragging their knuckles through the debris that was once civilisation!
21:33Sounds like Stamford Bridge!
21:36If this is true, why the hell are we trying to survive?
21:41It's our duty. When we leave here, we'll be intact, perfect.
21:50Yeah, well... People like us will replenish the species.
21:55We'll be like two new Adams going forth to multiply.
22:02Yeah. And you, you dirty little ram, will be out there multiplying quicker than a pocket calculator!
22:07I've seen it all now. I've seen it all now.
22:09He's almost praying for the end of civilisation, just so he can put it about a bit!
22:15-What time do you make it? -12.10.
22:19C'mon, Grandad, bed time.
22:22Well, if my species needs me, I shall not be found wanting.
22:26I bet.
22:28That's one thing to look forward to, eh, Grandad?
22:32Me and Rodney will make a foursome with a couple of mutants.
22:37I'll 'ave the one with the eye under her arm. I don't fancy yours.
22:43-It won't be like that! -You bet it won't.
22:47Anyway, you go out with mutants in peace time.
22:51Look at that thing you took out on Thursday!
22:55I told my mates you were taking her to market!
22:59I warned you it was a bit ragged.
23:02You liar! You told me she looked like the one out of the Abba.
23:07Yeah, the one with the beard.
23:10Anyway, we won't be the only ones to survive the holocaust.
23:14There'll be various institutions, public schools, that sort of thing.
23:19I bet Roedean's got a shelter, eh, Del?
23:24A thousand nubile girls, in a shelter in school uniform.
23:32You sicko!
23:36The uniforms are of no importance.
23:39I don't know why I mentioned them.
23:41'Cause you're a twisted, warped little pervo!
23:45Yeah, maybe.
23:48But it's in the line of duty, Del. They're perfect specimens. They're intelligent.
23:53'Course they're intelligent. They're still at school!
23:57And fit, all that hockey.
24:01You might fancy the headmistress.
24:03Oh, thank you very much.
24:07Well, it's worth bearing in mind, in an emergency.
24:14Hmm... Well, goodnight, Rodney.
24:18Goodnight, Del.
24:20Goodnight, Grandad.
24:21Goodnight, Del.
24:24Goodnight, Grandad.
24:26Goodnight, Rodney.
24:29Goodnight, Jumbo.
24:30Shut up!
24:45GRANDAD: War is hell.
24:53What?
24:54War is hell. Alan Ladd said that.
24:58Did he really? Go to sleep.
25:03Or was it Audie Murphy?
25:06I dunno! I'm tired.
25:10It must have been one of them...
25:12Maybe they both bloody said it! Go to sleep!
25:20-No, it was Rock Hudson. -Will you two go to sleep?
25:33-Rodney... 'Ere, Rodney... -Hmm?
25:39Don't keep your eyes closed! I'm talking to you!
25:41What?
25:42It might not be a bad idea to survive the next war after all.
25:47You got something up your sleeve?
25:49Just a little idea, that's all.
25:52What's the point?
25:54All the animals will be dead, the soil will be contaminated.
26:01Where'll we get something to eat?
26:05Bound to be a little shop open somewhere.
26:10And we won't be the only survivors.
26:13I'm thinking about all them girls at that Roedean School.
26:16-Ah-ha! -No, no, nothing like that.
26:19You see, most of those girls are the daughters of the knobless.
26:26-What... -The knobless. The knobless.
26:31It's French for nobility, innit?
26:35Sorry, I was miles away.
26:38I mean, you could meet a scruffy 17-year-old in a dirty hockey shirt and muddy plimsolls,
26:46and you could be talking to the 459th in line for the throne.
26:51But after the bombs have dropped,
26:55that scruffy 17-year-old could be first in line for the throne.
27:01So if I got on me bike, nipped down there sharpish and did me Adam's act,
27:07splash of Brut, took her out for a steak meal, loads o' charm,
27:13I could end up being the King.
27:17Mind you, a touch of Strontium 90 and I could end up being the Queen.
27:25Either way, the tax-man wouldn't be able to touch me, 'cause I'd be the head of state.
27:34And with you out there multiplying all over the place...
27:36RODNEY SNIGGERS Yeah!
27:38I'd not be short of subjects.
27:44We'd go for holidays in Mustique.
27:49Grandad could be the Queen Mother!
27:54We'll dye his hat pink!
28:01Even if that didn't happen, and I can't see how I can fail,
28:07if the entire civilisation was wiped out,
28:12we'll all be equal, 'cause all of us will have nothing.
28:17Right.
28:18Except us, Rodders.
28:21And what'll we have, Del?
28:24A grand's-worth of lead! Pretty shrewd, eh, Rodney?
28:30Yeah, a real mind-bender.
28:34Yeah. Yeah, we'll be all right. We'll survive, Rodney, 'cause we're survivors.
28:41Hmm... Yeah...
28:44When the alarm bells start ringing and the missiles start flying,
28:48and everyone's rushing about trying to find somewhere to hide,
28:53we'll be tucked up here in our own little nuclear shelter.
28:59The end of the world could be just the break we're looking for.
29:04Oh, we're pretty shrewd.
29:07If they dropped the bomb now,
29:10we'd be as safe as houses.
29:13As safe as houses.
29:23# We've got some half-price cracked ice
29:25# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:27# TVs Deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:30# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
29:33# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:38# No income tax, no VAT
29:41# No money back, no guarantee
29:45# Black or white, rich or poor
29:48# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
29:52# God bless Hookey Street!
29:56# Viva Hookey Street!
29:59# Long live Hookey Street!
30:01# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
30:05# Magnifique, Hookey Street #