Only Fools and Horses S01E06 — The Russians Are Coming

Every line from “The Russians Are Coming” (406 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S01E06 meme — “The only war you ever fought is the inch war.”

00:01OPENING THEME PLAYING
00:04# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:08# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11# 'Cause if you want the best ones But you don't ask questions
00:15# Then brother, I'm your man!
00:19# 'Cause where it all comes from Is a mystery
00:22# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one That's driving me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:56-Well, this is it. -This is what?
00:58What I bought this morning.
01:01What?
01:03This.
01:04-The land? -No, you plonker!
01:09This pile of bricks. Only cost me 100 nicker. Nice one, eh?
01:16Oh, shrewd move, Del! I mean, people are panic-buying bricks nowadays, aren't they?
01:23Who the hell's gonna buy a pile of old bricks of us?
01:26Oh... A butcher or chemist.
01:30Who do you think is gonna buys bricks? Builders! There's 200% profit here, and all in the readies!
01:38Come here.
01:42They've just demolished a factory here that used to make pre-fabricated structures, right.
01:47Chalets, bungalows, greenhouses, that sort of thing.
01:52So, I thought, using my noddle, that we'd make enough out of the bricks alone,
01:57but you never know what's underneath, do you?
01:59Decent lengths of timber, bits of metal, few gross of them roofing tiles.
02:08Come and see what I found.
02:26Get yer feelers on that.
02:31It's lead, Del !
02:33It's pure lead!
02:37There's 30 more boxes underneath.
02:40I estimate three ton altogether.
02:42Three ton? What's that at today's prices?
02:46That's about £1,000 !
02:49Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?
02:52Let's get some of it on the van. We'll do it in three shifts. Come on.
02:57Is it ours, Del ?
03:01-'Course it's ours. -Legally, Del ?
03:05Don't split hairs with me, Rodney. Come on!
03:16GROANS WITH EFFORT
03:20That's the lot, Del Boy.
03:24Not there, Grandad! We've got three tons of it so we have to spread it around.
03:30Otherwise we'll be having tea with Mrs Oboko downstairs.
03:36Right. I do hope all this is not disturbing your royal highness?
03:41-No, don't mind me. You carry on. -Thanks.
03:44Grandad, you've been carrying this one upside-down! This is the way.
03:49METAL RATTLING
03:54Oh, you are a lazy little bark. Is that another dirty book you're reading?
04:00You've got a mind like a plain brown envelope.
04:03-I'll have a look at that when you've finished. -It's paperwork I found in a box.
04:07-Do you know what we've got here? -Yeah, three ton of lovely lead.
04:12No, it's more than that. That factory was producing pre-fabricated structures, right?
04:17Bungalows, garden sheds etc. This was one of their experimental lines.
04:22It's a do-it-yourself nuclear fall-out shelter.
04:26SNIGGERS Nuclear fall-out shelter...
04:30You are a wally!
04:33It is, honest. Look, here's the brochure, here's the plan showing you how to build it.
04:41He's right! This is a nuclear fall-out shelter. It's probably worth more than we thought!
04:47-You can't sell it! -Don't want to put money on it, do you?
04:49What else can we do with it? Build it?
04:51-Yeah. -Leave it out, Rodney!
04:55We've come so close to World War III over Cuba, Vietnam, Afghanistan and Poland!
05:02It only takes a little rumbling in the Middle East and missiles are going to start flying.
05:06And what have we got to combat the might of the Soviet Union?
05:10Three jump-jets and a strongly-worded letter to the Russian Ambassador!
05:14No, no! You don't know what us Brits have up our sleeves!
05:18We can track their nuclear subs. They can't keep track on ours.
05:24We've only got one.
05:26-Have we? -I think so.
05:28Well, they don't know where it is. Then again, do we?
05:33Bet your life we don't.
05:35This country's just not prepared for war.
05:38Nobody knows what we're supposed to do in the event.
05:41Of course we do.
05:43All right, then. What would you do if you heard the four minute warning?
05:47Well, what's it sound like first?
05:51That's it! No one knows.
05:53Maybe they'll ring church bells or tell every ice-cream van in the country to play its jingle.
06:00Your guess is as good as mine.
06:02The great powers have enough nuclear weapons to destroy this planet 30 times over!
06:11Neutron bombs, Del.
06:14Multi-warheads, chemicals that attack your central nervous system that leave you writhing in agony lik
06:20Like you after a curry?
06:24Don't worry, forget about it.
06:28We've got £1,000 here. Just think of what we do with it. We can eat, drink and be merry.
06:33For tomorrow we die!
06:36Del, this is a godsend. If we build this thing we'll be safe.
06:41It's got the inner and outer walls, the air tubes, filters, everything. Come on, Del !
06:46-Sorry. -All right, soppy!
06:51Just suppose that we built it. Where would we put it?
06:56You always fancied a weekend place. How about a spot in the New Forest?
07:03How do we get from Peckham to the New Forest in four minutes, you old div?
07:09Grandad's allotment.
07:11It's a couple of miles away. We could get to it in four minutes.
07:14On a Sunday, with a following wind. Maybe.
07:16Let's give it a go. We'll have a dummy run. I'll get me stopwatch.
07:20STUTTERING IN BAFFLEMENT
07:22What's the point? Say you can do it in four minutes, what is it going to prove?
07:28Knowing them Russian rats, they will probably declare war in the middle of rush hour.
07:41-Where's Grandad? -I don't know.
07:47DEL: Come on. Hurry up, you stupid old git!
07:58-Get in! -Three minutes and counting!
08:02Yes, all right, Rodney.
08:04The missiles just passed Sweden.
08:06A bloody fast, are we? They only left Siberia 20 seconds ago!
08:13ENGINE STARTS
08:24RODNEY: Two minutes 15 seconds and counting. Missiles are over the sea and approaching Middlesborough.
08:29It's all right, Rodney.
08:31-All right! Put yer foot down, Del! -I can't! I'm coming to a main road.
08:38How's it your side, Rodney?
08:40All right after this red one.
08:44RODNEY: No!
08:46TYRES SCREECH
08:48Bloody 'ell! I meant that red one!
08:50DEL: You tit, Rodney!
08:53RODNEY: They just flew over Luton.
08:56DEL: Sod Luton!
08:59RODNEY: One minute 35 and counting.
09:01SIREN WAILING
09:24INAUDIBLE
09:31Wayne, switch it off!
09:35SIREN OFF
09:43He's young, enthusiastic. How are you, Del ?
09:47Not bad, Eric. Yourself?
09:49Can't complain. Hello, Grandad.
09:52Hello, Eric Boy.
09:56Sixty mph? You just heard the 4-minute warning?
10:02-Well, as it happens... -Where's your tax disc?
10:05In the post.
10:06Where's the little sign saying so?
10:09It fell off.
10:11You been on them funny fags again, Rodney?
10:14-No! -Good. Wayne wants his first nick.
10:18You might be able to help me, Del.
10:22I'm after some stolen summer-wear.
10:24Slacks, swimming trunks, bikinis...
10:29Are you after a promotion?
10:31No! Me and the wife are off to Corfu.
10:36Well, if I hear, I'll let you know.
10:39Good luck. See you. And, oi, take it easy.
10:46SIREN
10:49ERIC: Stop playing with that siren!
10:55-How're we doing? -We're dead.
11:00Terrific. We'll never do it in four minutes.
11:04It's not the end of the world.
11:06I thought it was!
11:08It's too far away.
11:11GRANDAD: I've been thinking.
11:12Give him an aspirin!
11:15I may have found us just the spot.
11:22VOICES ECHOING
11:24RODNEY: Is that door shut? DEL: Don't worry. No radiation can get in 'ere.
11:28What's this pipe?
11:30THUMPING
11:32Don't do that. It's fragile. Del, don't!
11:36That's our air filter, our umbilical cord!
11:41And you must never bash an umbilical cord with a hammer!
11:45I see.
11:47So this is our only source of oxygen!? What happens if a pigeon nests in the other end?
11:52We're all dead, I suppose?
11:54Pigeons don't nest during nuclear wars.
11:57-This isn't a nuclear war! -We're practising for one.
12:00Do the bloody pigeons know that?
12:02A pigeon will not nest in our tube! Have faith in me, please.
12:06Don't trust him, Del Boy.
12:09He said my telly would work in 'ere!
12:14I said sorry! There's some pages missing in this brochure. I don't know everything.
12:21Anyway, that's why we're having this weekend practice, to iron out the wrinkles.
12:25Well, this has to be back at that site first thing Monday morning.
12:32Or them Paddies'll go mad.
12:45You are a wally, you really are.
12:50You don't have to stay here, Del.
12:52I do! I've got £1,000-worth of lead tied up in this shelter.
12:59You two would probably lose it!
13:03Oh, just think what I could do with £1,000.
13:07I could fly to America, I could buy myself a flash Rollocks watch.
13:15Have me adenoids out privately.
13:18But how many people have their own private nuclear fall-out shelter?
13:24That's true. With our luck, there won't be a bloody war!
13:29We ought to bomb Russia and then declare war on them.
13:35We can say the declaration got held up by a communist-inspired PO strike.
13:43That's typical of a ruthless little mercenary like you, innit?
13:47Me? Who goes round the estate every Christmas making sure the old folk have enough to eat and drink!
13:54And who drove round during the riot in Brixton selling paving stones to the rioters?
14:03Did you think they'd all run home and start building patios?
14:08Mine is not to reason why... Mine is but to sell and buy.
14:15Anyway, the trouble with them kids in Brixton is frustration.
14:21Society has denied them the birthright of a war.
14:26I don't believe you! You're saying war is our birthright!
14:29Yes, it is.
14:31For centuries,
14:34every generation of British youth has been guaranteed a decent war.
14:38But that "Over the top, take that, Fritz"
14:44type of courage is obsolete.
14:47The next war will be fought by computer programmers.
14:51That's what frustrates modern youth. You see 'em in the arcades,
14:56doing their National Service on the Space Invaders.
15:01But a real war is Errol Flynn
15:06leading the gallant 600 into the Valley of Death.
15:10John Mills marooned in a dinghy.
15:13Kenneth More not letting a little thing like no legs get him down.
15:21Glorious and valiant war, that...
15:23-Don't talk like a berk, Del! -What?
15:25What do you know about it?
15:27The only war you ever fought is the inch war.
15:31I seen all the films!
15:33Tomato sauce and stuntmen!
15:36I remember when I was a nipper, seeing the soldiers marchin' off to battle.
15:41Oh, yes, it was a glorious sight.
15:46Yeah, them spears and chariots must have stirred the blood.
15:50-Just hear him out! -All right.
15:53My brother was at Passchendaele.
15:56Nigh on half a million died there, all for five miles of mud!
16:03I was at King's Cross Station when his regiment came home after the armistice.
16:08Most off them was carried off the train.
16:11I saw men with limbs missing,
16:14blind men,
16:16men whose lungs had been shot to bits by mustard gas.
16:22While the nation celebrated, they was hidden away,
16:26in big, grey buildings, far from the public gaze.
16:30I mean, courage like that could put you right off your victory dinner.
16:38They promised us homes fit for heroes,
16:42they gave us heroes fit for homes.
16:49I...I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
16:53What principle?
16:56On the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
17:01The politicians and the military men used to con you, you see.
17:06They had youngsters believing that their country really did need them.
17:12They had lads of 14 pretending to be 18 just so they could fight for their King and country!
17:19They accepted the little sprogs?
17:21Yeah. My brother lied about his age.
17:25Pretended he was 18?
17:27No! He was 18. He pretended he was 14.
17:31But they saw through it.
17:33I think it was the moustache.
17:36Yeah. 14-year-olds can't...
17:41Bloody hell.
17:47BANGING
17:49What are you doing?
17:51I think there's a pigeon nesting in our air-tube...
17:55But I'll frighten it away.
17:59The battery's low an' all.
18:12How long do they last?
18:16About 12 hours each.
18:18Have we been here 12 hours?
18:21Only 36 to go. Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?
18:26Listen, Oppenheimer,
18:31if a bomb was to drop round 'ere, how long would we 'ave to stay in 'ere?
18:36Well, it depends upon the degree of contamination outside.
18:40We're in a vulnerable position being so close to the docks.
18:43But I would say, roughly, about two years.
18:50-BOTH: Two years? -Give or take a week or two.
18:54If you think I'm spending two years in a lead-lined nissen hut
18:58with you two and a chemical bloody kazi, you've another thing coming.
19:03But we'd die of radiation poisoning out there!
19:07If we stay inside, we'll die of bloody lead poisoning!
19:12The rescue team will whip us to a scrap metal yard!
19:17Yeah. And these batteries that purify the air last 12 hours, right?
19:24So how many of them do we need? You're the one with the Maths GCE.
19:30Well, it's two a day, seven days a week... Two sevens are fourteen...
19:36Two sevens are 14! Just like that! No hesitation!
19:40Shut up! So that's 14 times 52...
19:44Twice.
19:46I know! That works out at about... 1,450-odd.
19:54And I thought we'd need a lot.
19:58So all we need is 1,450 heavy-duty batteries,
20:03five tons of canned food, 30,000 gallons of fresh water,
20:08and a huge warehouse to store it all in.
20:12I said there'd be some wrinkles.
20:16A few wrinkles?
20:18We've got more wrinkles than an elephant's bleedin' trunk!
20:23All things considered, I think I'd rather be outside
20:27and go instantly with the bomb.
20:30You think it would be instant?
20:33Them bombs contain Strontium 90, not Nescafe!
20:37They cause radioactive rain to fall.
20:42That penetrates the skin, causing violent sores and disease.
20:47Best not wear anything decent, eh?
20:50Be serious for a minute?
20:53Look, it's here: "Then the radiation begins to attack your metabolism,
20:58"you undergo drastic biological changes."
21:01That's metamorphosis.
21:03Yeah. Yeah...
21:07Anyway... "Your shape and form will alter radically as the mutation takes effect."
21:12Doesn't sound too promising, do it, Del boy?
21:15I mean, you have a job getting a suit off the peg now.
21:20All right, you can laugh!
21:22But this city will be inhabited
21:25by vacant-eyed sub-humans dragging their knuckles through the debris that was once civilisation!
21:33Sounds like Stamford Bridge!
21:36If this is true, why the hell are we trying to survive?
21:41It's our duty. When we leave here, we'll be intact, perfect.
21:50Yeah, well... People like us will replenish the species.
21:55We'll be like two new Adams going forth to multiply.
22:02Yeah. And you, you dirty little ram, will be out there multiplying quicker than a pocket calculator!
22:07I've seen it all now. I've seen it all now.
22:09He's almost praying for the end of civilisation, just so he can put it about a bit!
22:15-What time do you make it? -12.10.
22:19C'mon, Grandad, bed time.
22:22Well, if my species needs me, I shall not be found wanting.
22:26I bet.
22:28That's one thing to look forward to, eh, Grandad?
22:32Me and Rodney will make a foursome with a couple of mutants.
22:37I'll 'ave the one with the eye under her arm. I don't fancy yours.
22:43-It won't be like that! -You bet it won't.
22:47Anyway, you go out with mutants in peace time.
22:51Look at that thing you took out on Thursday!
22:55I told my mates you were taking her to market!
22:59I warned you it was a bit ragged.
23:02You liar! You told me she looked like the one out of the Abba.
23:07Yeah, the one with the beard.
23:10Anyway, we won't be the only ones to survive the holocaust.
23:14There'll be various institutions, public schools, that sort of thing.
23:19I bet Roedean's got a shelter, eh, Del?
23:24A thousand nubile girls, in a shelter in school uniform.
23:32You sicko!
23:36The uniforms are of no importance.
23:39I don't know why I mentioned them.
23:41'Cause you're a twisted, warped little pervo!
23:45Yeah, maybe.
23:48But it's in the line of duty, Del. They're perfect specimens. They're intelligent.
23:53'Course they're intelligent. They're still at school!
23:57And fit, all that hockey.
24:01You might fancy the headmistress.
24:03Oh, thank you very much.
24:07Well, it's worth bearing in mind, in an emergency.
24:14Hmm... Well, goodnight, Rodney.
24:18Goodnight, Del.
24:20Goodnight, Grandad.
24:21Goodnight, Del.
24:24Goodnight, Grandad.
24:26Goodnight, Rodney.
24:29Goodnight, Jumbo.
24:30Shut up!
24:45GRANDAD: War is hell.
24:53What?
24:54War is hell. Alan Ladd said that.
24:58Did he really? Go to sleep.
25:03Or was it Audie Murphy?
25:06I dunno! I'm tired.
25:10It must have been one of them...
25:12Maybe they both bloody said it! Go to sleep!
25:20-No, it was Rock Hudson. -Will you two go to sleep?
25:33-Rodney... 'Ere, Rodney... -Hmm?
25:39Don't keep your eyes closed! I'm talking to you!
25:41What?
25:42It might not be a bad idea to survive the next war after all.
25:47You got something up your sleeve?
25:49Just a little idea, that's all.
25:52What's the point?
25:54All the animals will be dead, the soil will be contaminated.
26:01Where'll we get something to eat?
26:05Bound to be a little shop open somewhere.
26:10And we won't be the only survivors.
26:13I'm thinking about all them girls at that Roedean School.
26:16-Ah-ha! -No, no, nothing like that.
26:19You see, most of those girls are the daughters of the knobless.
26:26-What... -The knobless. The knobless.
26:31It's French for nobility, innit?
26:35Sorry, I was miles away.
26:38I mean, you could meet a scruffy 17-year-old in a dirty hockey shirt and muddy plimsolls,
26:46and you could be talking to the 459th in line for the throne.
26:51But after the bombs have dropped,
26:55that scruffy 17-year-old could be first in line for the throne.
27:01So if I got on me bike, nipped down there sharpish and did me Adam's act,
27:07splash of Brut, took her out for a steak meal, loads o' charm,
27:13I could end up being the King.
27:17Mind you, a touch of Strontium 90 and I could end up being the Queen.
27:25Either way, the tax-man wouldn't be able to touch me, 'cause I'd be the head of state.
27:34And with you out there multiplying all over the place...
27:36RODNEY SNIGGERS Yeah!
27:38I'd not be short of subjects.
27:44We'd go for holidays in Mustique.
27:49Grandad could be the Queen Mother!
27:54We'll dye his hat pink!
28:01Even if that didn't happen, and I can't see how I can fail,
28:07if the entire civilisation was wiped out,
28:12we'll all be equal, 'cause all of us will have nothing.
28:17Right.
28:18Except us, Rodders.
28:21And what'll we have, Del?
28:24A grand's-worth of lead! Pretty shrewd, eh, Rodney?
28:30Yeah, a real mind-bender.
28:34Yeah. Yeah, we'll be all right. We'll survive, Rodney, 'cause we're survivors.
28:41Hmm... Yeah...
28:44When the alarm bells start ringing and the missiles start flying,
28:48and everyone's rushing about trying to find somewhere to hide,
28:53we'll be tucked up here in our own little nuclear shelter.
28:59The end of the world could be just the break we're looking for.
29:04Oh, we're pretty shrewd.
29:07If they dropped the bomb now,
29:10we'd be as safe as houses.
29:13As safe as houses.
29:23# We've got some half-price cracked ice
29:25# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:27# TVs Deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:30# Ball games, gold chains, what's-names And leather goods
29:33# And Trevor Francis track suits From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:38# No income tax, no VAT
29:41# No money back, no guarantee
29:45# Black or white, rich or poor
29:48# We'll cut prices at a stroke!
29:52# God bless Hookey Street!
29:56# Viva Hookey Street!
29:59# Long live Hookey Street!
30:01# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
30:05# Magnifique, Hookey Street #