Only Fools and Horses S02E01 — The Long Legs of the Law

Every line from “The Long Legs of the Law” (325 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket,
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van,
00:10# 'Cos if you want the best 'uns, but you don't ask questions,
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man!
00:17# 'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,
00:22# It's like the changing seasons or the tides of the sea,
00:27# Here's the one driving me berserk:
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:48You seen my teeth?
00:52You tried your mouth?
00:55Don't get sarky, Rodney.
00:58I had 'em last night. I meant to put 'em in soak. Might have left 'em in the kitchen.
01:05Do you want any breakfast?
01:07No. My belly's going up and down like Tower Bridge.
01:11I'll see if we've got anything for you.
01:15Ah, there you are, Rodney! Morning. Great night last night, eh?
01:20Hoy, Grandad! I found your teeth by the rubbish chute.
01:25How did they get out there?
01:27I don't know, do I? Did you lend them to anyone?'Course I didn't!
01:32Are you sure?
01:36Put a couple of rashers of streaky on for me.
01:40That's what you need after a night on the drink - a drop of bacon fat.
01:45Slides down like a pint of Duckham's on a warm morning.
01:50Leave it!Still sulking, are you?
01:53No.No.
01:56Come on, grow up, Rodney. Grow up.
01:59What's up with him?I'll tell you.
02:03The other day I met a couple of birds, a mother and her daughter.
02:08I've known them for a long time. They're two very charming people.
02:13I suggested we made up a foursome.
02:16Last night we went out for a drink. We took 'em out, had a lovely meal.
02:21And him over there gets the sulks.
02:24That sounds like a nice evening.
02:27When he said we was going out with a mother and her daughter, I assumed I'd be with the daughter.
02:35But he drags me round every pub in the Old Kent Road, holding hands with some old sort with a cough!
02:43I thought it was a romantic evening.
02:46The night was filled with all the sensuous promise of a tour of the Sanatogen works.
02:53Here, how's that bacon?All right.
02:57You didn't get in till 4 o'clock. Did you go back to their place? No. Don't get excited.
03:04Went to a spick club in New Cross.
03:08Know who was there? Tommy Razzle. Remember? Lived in Catholes House.
03:14Oh, young Razzle. Had that dog.
03:16That's right. He's married her now.
03:21He still on the Underground?No. Him and Monkey Harris teamed up, putting in false ceilings.
03:29They was in Saudi Arabia, putting a ceiling in a dental clinic.
03:34Anyway, they had a big row.
03:36Tommy, he reckoned he'd seen a salt beef bar in Jedda.
03:41Monkey Harris said, "No way."
03:44Before we knew where we were, they was off. Tables flying, bottles...
03:50Almost had to call for the manager. Yeah, as bad as that.
03:55Somebody phoned the law, and who do they send but a young policewoman?
04:00That was it. Should have seen him. His eyes went all goggly.
04:06He was sniffing round!I was not. I asked if she needed assistance.
04:12Leave it out! Monkey Harris is draped over a "Keep Left" sign,
04:17Tommy has handcuffs on, their wives are fighting, and the plonker tries to date the arresting officer!
04:25You should have seen it. Pathetic!
04:28"Well... Er... Well... I'm finking of going to the pictures, like, tomorrow. Do... Do you wanna come?"
04:37The only date you would have got was Horseferry Road magistrate's. How's that bacon?
04:44I'll have a look.Good.
04:47Trigger called round last night... Oh, yeah?..with these watches.
04:52Watches?Watches, look. Knocked off, are they?
04:57No, they're not knocked off.
04:59Knocked off! He's a comedian, ain't he?
05:04Here, these are not bad.
05:08Look at that, Rodney.
05:10Respondez-vous, s'il vous plait. They're not bad, as it happens.
05:16I reckon that's a Longines or a Cartier.Yeah?
05:21Trigger said they're four quid each.
05:24Four quid, eh? Oh, well.
05:27Del Boy?Yeah?I've burnt yer bacon.
05:31Oh, you stupid old git! I told you to look after it. Never mind. YOU can have it.
05:38Let's flog some of these. We'll stop off at Sid's place on the way.
05:43I could do with something to eat. I feel better after that. What've you done with my Steradent?
05:55Gordon Bennett!
06:03ICI have dropped a point.
06:05Yeah?
06:10Chelsea dropped three on Saturday.
06:12Should never have sold Greavsie.
06:15Come on. You fit?Right.
06:18Right...What did you have, Del? Packet of biscuits and a cuppa tea.
06:24What did you REALLY have?
06:28Sausage, bacon, double egg, beans and tomatoes.
06:34Mushrooms, black pudding.
06:38And chips.
06:42Three teas, two bread.
06:48Bread was toasted.
06:51No fried slice?Not this morning. Belly's a bit dicky.
06:56What did you have, Rodney? My usual bacteria on toast.
07:02One day I'll smack him in the mouth.
07:05If you can find it.
07:07Coming down the Nag's Head tonight? They got a couple of strippers on.
07:11No, I'm going out tonight.
07:14Take that back. I want one of them biscuits.
07:18Where are you going?I didn't tell you? I've got a bird - Sandra.
07:23Sandra? Where did you meet her? At the club, last night.
07:28I didn't see you talking to anyone. Who is she? That part-time barmaid?
07:34No, she's got a career.A career! What is she, a lollipop woman?
07:40No, policewoman.
07:58I mean, Rodney going out with a policewoman!
08:02What are the neighbours gonna say?
08:06Why is he doing it to us, Del Boy?
08:09'Cos he's kinky, ain't he?
08:12He's got what psychiatrists call a...a thing about policewomen's uniforms.
08:19If that's all he wants, can't we club together and buy him one?
08:26He don't want to wear it!
08:28He wants the WPC to wear it.
08:31He may be perverted, but he ain't dangerous.
08:41Del, do you think...?
08:45Could I have the keys to the van?
08:58Oi!
09:00Do you know how your actions are going to affect our business?
09:05Them streets are our boardroom, our factory floor.
09:10The people that live in them are our customers.
09:14How will they feel about doing business with a grass?
09:19I'm taking a bird to the pictures, and suddenly I'm Bertie Smalls!
09:24She's not a bird. She's a...
09:28policewoman.
09:30Under the uniform she's the same as any other girl.Our kind and her kind don't mix, like cats and dogs.
09:38You must watch every word, in case you say something incriminating. They're never off duty.
09:45Rubbish! She's hardly gonna nick the bloke that's taking her out.
09:51What do you know about it, wally?
09:53Police officers take a vow that, if necessary, they will nick their own mum.
10:00She'd hardly think twice about a rag-bag like you.
10:04You're trying to run my life, Del.
10:06I soon won't be able to go for a Nelson Riddle without you giving me a blueprint.Leave it out!
10:14Hear that? Hear that? After all I've done for him. What have you ever done for me?
10:21What have I done for you? Brought you up, fed you, clothed you, picked you up when you fell down.
10:28I wiped your...tears away.
10:33Most important of all, Rodney, I have always been there. Ihave always been there.
10:40Besides that?Always used to take you away on holidays.
10:45Yeah, the Costa del Kent!
10:48That's right! You used to create therapeutic little adventure games.
10:53"Who can pick the most hops today?"
10:56Hopping was all we could afford.
10:59You've either got a short memory, Rodney, or you're just ungrateful.
11:04Remember when little Roy Taylor got roller skates for his birthday?
11:10You was crying. You didn't have none.
11:13Next day, Del brought you a pair exactly the same as Roy Taylor's.
11:18"Exactly the same as Roy Taylor's"? They WERE Roy Taylor's!
11:23His big brother gave me a right hiding.I got him back for you.
11:29Fine consolation that was, in bed with a split lip and a headache (!)
11:34Who paid your fine for smoking pot? I could've handled that meself.
11:41£300?! Remember getting nicked for riding a scooter without a helmet?
11:46You only got fined five quid, and you asked for time to pay!
11:51You've always been a bad 'un. 'Cos I didn't wear a helmet?
11:56I mean smoking marri-joo-arna.
11:59Brought a slur upon the family name.
12:02Leave off! I'd have to get done for chicken-molesting to bring a slur on this family.Enough!
12:12A good thing your mum died when she did, 'cos that would've killed her.
12:22Why don't you shut up, you soppy old goat?
12:26I don't care what you say, I'm going out.
12:30You're always on about how you brought me up, how you kept me.
12:35You've never told me why.
12:39Well, to tell you the truth,
12:41the Council wouldn't let me keep a dog in the flat.
12:46I think it's because you wanted to see me develop into a mature adult, on my own two feet, independent.
12:53Part of my independence is thatIdecide where I go, what I do, and with whom.
13:00Why don't you do that? YOU decide where you go, what you do, and with whom. 'Cos I'm finished with you.
13:08I've washed me hands of you. As far as I'm concerned, you don't exist. Right?
13:20And, Rodney...What?
13:23It's been raining. Them roads will be treacherous. Drive carefully.
13:29Yeah, I will. Cheers, Del. What for?
13:33Nothing... I shouldn't be late. Sandra's got to be up early. She's on riot patrol.
13:54The world's a strange place to live in, ain't it, Grandad?
13:59You're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute life jumps out,
14:05and gives you...sobering thoughts.
14:08I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time. It were them that started me drinking.
14:21Yeah, I can understand that.
14:25The boy's growing into a man.
14:28I don't... I don't feel as needed as I used to be.
14:35Soon he'll...he'll fly the nest.
14:39You know what the most sobering thought of the lot is?
14:44One wrong word from that plonker, and I could end up doing 5 years.
14:54NATIONAL ANTHEM ON TV
15:03SWITCHES OFF
15:06Here, I was watching that.
15:10Is Rodney home?No, not yet.
15:13He's most probably drove her home. Yeah, more than like.
15:22He's late, though.
15:24Here, I hope she hasn't asked to see his...MOT.
15:30FRONT DOOR OPENS Here he is now.Ah!
15:35Oi, Z Victor 1, how did you get on? Hope you didn't leave fingerprints on the suspect!
15:42(Ssssh, Del. He's brought her home with him.)
15:47He's done WHAT ?! What's he trying to do to me? Hide things.
15:52What things?Everything! That's bent, for a start.
15:57The booze, Grandad, the booze!
16:04We was just talking about you. We said, "We'll give Rodney another month and then phone the police."
16:12Brought Sandra back for a nightcap.
16:15Oh... Ah... Good.
16:18Hello, again.Yeah, hello...again.
16:22Did you... Did you enjoy the film? Yes, it was very good.
16:27Something romantic? "The Exterminator".
16:31Oh, "The Exterminator"? To Rodney, that IS romantic. Cried his eyes out over "The Chainsaw Massacre".
16:39Leave it out. Sit down, Sandra.
16:42Thank you.
16:51What've you been doing?Nothing! No, nothing.
16:55Been in all evening, ain't we?
16:58Yeah, and we got witnesses to prove it.
17:02I wasn't asking you to provide an alibi. I was just being polite.
17:07Oh, yeah. Yes, 'course you was. Sorry.
17:11It's just, us being a law-abiding family, we don't really know how to converse with the Old Bill.
17:19HE'S got a police record.
17:22Yes, "Walking On The Moon".
17:26Have you...? You've heard that one. I'll play it for you later on, if you like.
17:33Do you like Police LPs? I've got their latest one.
17:37Ain't even been released yet.
17:43If it hasn't been released, how did you get it?It hasn't been released in Britain. We got it on holiday.
17:51Didn't we?
17:53On holiday.Where did you go? Greece.Spain.Italy.
17:58We toured.Yeah, we toured.
18:13Well, this is pleasant, ain't it?
18:22You know, Rodney tried to join the police force once,
18:27after failing the intelligence test to become a Unigate milkman.
18:33He's joking.No, I'm not.
18:36That's a nice watch you've got.
18:39Yes, Rodney gave it to me.
18:45Oh, did he? He's a generous lad, our Rodney. Too generous for his own good.
18:52Shall we get Sandra a drink, eh? You and me, me and you, together.
18:57Right. What'll you have? Gin and tonic, please.G and T.
19:05Cheers.
19:08Why did you give her that watch?! I'll pay for it.
19:12I'm not worried about money! These watches are very sought-after.
19:17Especially by the River Police and the Flying Squad!
19:25You mean they're hot?Hot?! They're so hot it is advisable to wear oven-gloves when winding them up!
19:33You said they're straight.I lied. Appellation Bordeaux Controlee.
19:39What?We've got to get that watch back off her.
19:44Yeah (!) "Can I have the watch back, 'cos I only lent it to you?"
19:49No, she might get suspicious. Have to think of something subtle.
19:54You'll try anything once.
19:57Oi, I've got an idea. Here... Just watch me.
20:01Here we are, Sandra. Nice G and T for you.
20:05Let me put it on the arm of the chaise-longue.
20:12Oh, dear, butter-fingers! Sorry.
20:15It's all right. Don't worry.I DO worry. I feel partly responsible.
20:20You're all wet. Grandad, could you bring a cloth?
20:25All over your new watch! I'll get it repaired.No, it's waterproof.
20:30Er, I know, but is it ginproof?
20:34Gin's a funny thing. You don't know where you stand with it... Thanks.
20:42Sorry about that. He's eccentric.
20:45Give me that watch. I'll get it repaired.
20:49It's out of guarantee now it's soaked in gin.
20:53Are you sure you don't mind? Mind? La plume della ma tante!
20:59There you are. I'll let you have it in a couple of months, good as new.
21:05Rodney, get Sandra another drink.
21:11That got you out of schtuck.You put me in it in the first place! That's right, pass the buck!
21:21Listen, no more cock-ups. Think before you act.All right!Good.
21:27Oh, look at that.
21:30We seem to be out of gin.No, we've got another three cases of it here.
21:37I don't believe it. I DON'T believe it! What a plonker!
21:51Well...
21:54Here we are.Yes, here we are.
22:00Do you bring your uniform home? It's hanging in my wardrobe. Why?
22:06Nothing.
22:16Rodney...Yes, Sandra?
22:19Can I ask you something?
22:22Yeah, anything.
22:25You know your flat?
22:28Yeah.
22:30Well, is there anything in it that's legally yours?
22:37I recognised stuff from Scotland Yard photos and "Police Five".
22:43Yeah, er... You're not interested in little things that fall off the backs of lorries, are you?
22:51No, but I AM interested in who pushed them and who picked them up.
22:56You had three cases of export gin. You can't buy that in Britain.No. No, we got it on holiday.
23:06Oh, you smuggle as well?
23:10Come on, I bought you a donor kebab tonight.
23:14And you gave me a stolen watch.
23:17I didn't know that was nicked. Tell that to the beak, Rodney.
23:22Don't you realise I'm trying to build a career in the police force?
23:27What would my commanding officer do if I'm found with stolen property?
23:32Put you in charge of the Xmas Club?
23:36This is not funny, Rodney. I could end up with the sack.
23:41Who's the culprit? You or your brother?No, it's not...
23:47It's me. Del don't know anything about it. He's a bit of a wally.
23:55Well, I'll come quietly, miss. It's a fair cop.
24:04If I was to carry out my duty, I'd take you straight down the station.
24:09But you took me to the pictures. And you bought me a donor kebab.
24:14And some cashews. And a watch.
24:18Oh, no, forget about the watch.
24:21No, I won't forget about the watch. Neither will I forget about the others Del hid in the armchair.
24:29Look, I'll give you 24 hours breathing space. Time to, shall we say, "spring-clean" your flat?
24:37After that I'm coming round with the CID. 24 hours.
24:42Yeah, right.
24:45Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song, "24 Hours From Dartmoor".
24:52Well, thanks for a lovely evening, Sandra.Thank you, Rodney.
24:58Don't half fancy a coffee. Do you?
25:02There's an all-night sandwich bar down the Walworth Road.Oh, yeah.
25:08I'll probably pop down there, then.
25:12Sandra, will I see you again? Of course you will. I'll be round your flat in 24 hours.
25:20In case you don't recognise me, I'll be the one with the warrant.
25:30Well, we've got 24 hours, Del.
25:33As you so rightly say, Del, "24 hours is better than nothing."
25:38Thanks for being so understanding, Del.
25:42I'm gonna kill you! You're choking me!
25:46This is it, you dip-stick! Any last requests?I leave my plimsolls to medical science. Now, get off!
25:54You'll kill him! I thought you'd calmed down.I HAD calmed down.
25:59Then I caught my finger in a table flap, and it's all his fault!
26:04I've said I'm sorry. What more can I say?
26:08How about, "I'm emigrating. I'm jumping off the balcony"? Anything to cheer me up.
26:15Anybody can make a mistake, Del Boy.
26:17Yeah, like the mistake Mum and Dad made, producing such a stupid kid.
26:23Don't put yourself down, Del.
26:26I'll chin you, I will.
26:28We ain't got time to argue. We've got to get rid of all this stuff.
26:34Let's clear this sideboard.Did we get it down Hookey St?Don't know.
26:42Half this stuff is legal, half isn't.
26:46I don't know what's what any more. We've got to get rid of it all.
26:51That's it. Come on!
26:53There's something I mustn't forget.
26:56Oi, Del?What?
26:59Can I keep this aftershave? Yeah. Why?
27:03It's just in case Sandra comes round a bit early, you know.
27:08You...
27:11Come here.No, I don't want it now.
27:14Come here! Come here, you! I've had enough!
27:38# No income tax, no VAT,
27:41# No money back, no guarantee,
27:44# Black or white, rich or poor,
27:47# We'll cut prices at a stro-o-oke!
27:51# God bless Hookey Street!
27:55# Viva Hookey Street!
27:58# Long live Hookey Street!
28:01# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
28:04# Magnifique, Hookey Street!
28:07# Hookey Street, Hookey Street. #
28:10Subtitles by John Macdonald BBC Scotland - 1990