lovelyjubbly · episodes

Only Fools and Horses S02E02 — Ashes to Ashes

Every line from “Ashes to Ashes” (287 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:10# 'Cos if you want the best 'uns, but you don't ask questions,
• 00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man!
• 00:17# 'Cos where it comes from is a mystery
• 00:21# It's like the changing seasons or the tides of the sea.
• 00:26# But here's the one that's driving me beserk:
• 00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
• 00:37Listen, now why shed a tear through necessity when you've got me about, eh?
• 00:45Look what I've brought you today. Authentic French nylon tights.
• 00:50As worn by Sacha Distel's mum. No, I'm serious.
• 00:5420 denier, sheer nylon. They're not only runproof, they're funproof!
• 00:59If I asked you for £1 a pair I'd be killed in the stampede, yes?
• 01:05But I'm not gonna ask you for £1.
• 01:09What did you say? You'd give me 60p? Put your money away. I don't want 60p a pair.
• 01:16I want 50p a pair an' I'm starvin' myself!You must be joking! Come on!
• 01:22I thought you were bargain-hunters.
• 01:24You can't even get these in the factory for 50p a pair...
• 01:33Oi, Rodney! Am I keeping you awake? Don't mind me, Del. You carry on.
• 01:38I know the Gov't keep asking us to save energy, but this is taking the piss.
• 01:45Look, I ain't had a lot of sleep. I was worrying about the trouble. What trouble?
• 01:51Last night I went round that bird Linda's house.
• 01:55An' her mum and dad came home early.An' caught you at it, eh?
• 02:00Well, no ― they didn't actually catch us. So, where's the trouble?
• 02:07As I was leaving, her dad noticed my jeans were on back to front.
• 02:14Your jeans back to front...! What did he say?
• 02:18He swore at me.I bet he did! I bet he didn't know whether you were comin' or goin', did he?
• 02:30Oh, hello, Trig. 'Ere, how's your gran?
• 02:34Didn't you hear? She passed on. Oh, I am sorry, Trig.
• 02:39It ain't your fault, Del.
• 02:42Funeral's on Friday. You'll come, won't you?Well, I'm a bit tied...
• 02:48Anyway, you don't want a big crowd. I'm the only one going.
• 02:57Oh...oh. Alright, I'll come. I'll bring Grandad an' all. He knew your gran. Rodney'll come an' all.
• 03:05Eh?!Cheers, Del. Appreciate it. That's alright.
• 03:09Tell you what ― I'll order a car, shall I?That's a good idea, Trig.
• 03:15I'll see you at Gran's house. About 10 o'clock.Alright.
• 03:20Oi, what's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral?You wouldn't want him to go on his own? No.
• 03:29Anyway, it'll be good practice for me an' Grandad.Practice for what? For when Linda's dad catches you!
• 03:37That is not funny, Derek.I think it is. Come on, French tights, as worn by Charles Aznavour's...
• 04:04Wedgwood.That's pottery.
• 04:07That must be why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week.
• 04:13'Ere, look at this over here. Look at that...
• 04:21It's a copy.
• 04:25These are nice ― matching pair an' all.Talk about a vulture!
• 04:30Listen, Grandad, Trig's gran left him this stuff in her will an' he wants to sell it, right?
• 04:37You know Trig. He ain't that bright.
• 04:42I mean, a lot are born a ha'penny short of a shilling. In Trig's case, God added VAT.
• 04:48If he takes this lot up town he'll get done. I reckon it's much better to get stitched up by a friend.
• 04:56I put your coats in the bedroom. Fancy a drink?
• 05:01Dave?
• 05:03Er...I'll just have a small large one, Trig.
• 05:08Don't you think this is the wrong time to do this?'Course not.
• 05:12Trig, what d'you reckon? Would your gran like to think of us moping?
• 05:18She'd have loved it. She was a miserable old cow.
• 05:22She never used to be like that, son. She was a real livewire. Life an' soul of the party, was Alice.
• 05:30Yeah, they reckon that's what finished my Grandad off... You knew my Grandad, didn't you, Mr Trotter?
• 05:38― Yeah, I knew Arthur. ― He took care of me when Mum went.
• 05:43Where was your dad?He died a couple of years before I was born.
• 05:51I can almost see my Grandad now. Sitting by the fire ― one leg on the fender, the other in the corner...
• 06:03He had a false leg.Oh, I thought it was long.Don't be silly.
• 06:08He was a roadsweeper, as well. Yeah, taught you.Takes you back...
• 06:14You gotta look to the future, Trig. You're goin' on holiday, ain't you?
• 06:19I'm looking forward to that. I've been under pressure with Gran bein' in hospital.
• 06:26Be nice to get away from it all. I'm goin' to live it up. Y'know, discos, golden beaches, blue skies.
• 06:35Where are you going?Ireland.
• 06:40My Gran left me some money so I ain't short of a few bob.
• 06:44CAR HORN Car's here.Well, just take one last look round the old place.
• 06:51When you think of all that's gone on in this house.
• 06:56Me Gran an' Grandad living here together... Makes you go cold, don't it?
• 07:02Come on, you should remember all the warmth and love between them.
• 07:08They didn't talk to each other for fifteen years!Fifteen years?!
• 07:14My Grandad found out, when he was in the Army, she had another man.
• 07:23Did YOU ever hear that rumour?
• 07:27Me? No, son. Did he ever say who it was?
• 07:32Never. I wish I knew... I'll fetch the coats.
• 07:36The bedroom's up... I know.
• 07:44That confirms it, Rodders. Yeah?Yeah.
• 07:49Confirms what?Well, look ― see that little mark there...What?
• 07:54There. Oh, I'll get that off.
• 07:58Not THERE ! Not on... Look, that little mark on there.
• 08:05That confirms that these little urns are Meissen.No?! Yeah. Guaranteed, brother.
• 08:14Meissen, eh?Yeah.
• 08:18What's Meissen then, Del?
• 08:21It's German china, innit? Mid-19th century according to the book.
• 08:26Christie's had a china sale last week and a pair like this, not in such good condition, went for £250.
• 08:34These must be worth £300 of anybody's money. Hang on, I'll fetch the newspaper.
• 08:40Oi, you! You just keep your mitts off that. I've got my eye on you.
• 08:46300 nicker... Don't look very valuable.
• 08:50The best ones never do.Looks like the stuff we won at the fair.
• 08:56Oi ― watch you don't break that.
• 09:01Gawd almighty!Grandad, what's up with you?Just look for yourself. Look at what?In there.
• 09:13It's not a spider, is it?No.
• 09:22What is it?It's Arthur.
• 09:27Arthur?Trig's grandad, Arthur. Them's his ASHES !
• 09:34Put the lid on, Rodney.
• 09:40Bloody hell!
• 09:43Del? Come in here please. There's something up with the urns.
• 09:48If that soppy old git's broken it, I'll stick his head down the khazi!
• 09:56What's up?It's Arthur's ashes.
• 09:59What ― the black bloke that won Wimbledon?
• 10:05No. It's Trigger's GRANDAD, Arthur!
• 10:12His ashes are in that urn.
• 10:21Don't take the top off! What's the matter with you? Is there a genie in there?
• 10:33How d'you know it's him? It's hardly a passport photo.
• 10:38It's him alright. I KNOW it's him! Alright, it's him. Nothing to worry about, is there?
• 10:46"Nothing to worry about"? You don't know the full story.
• 10:50See, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife. Well, they was true.
• 10:56Nothing happened between us, you gotta believe that. Nothing.
• 11:01We was just two lonely people. Arthur was away in the Army an' your gran had just departed...
• 11:10She hadn't died. Just departed. Oh, gotcha.
• 11:15We was just company for one another. But Arthur wouldn't believe that.
• 11:21He wasn't that soppy. He put a curse on me, Del.
• 11:25He pointed his bony finger at me and said, "Trotter, some day, somehow, I'm going to haunt you!"
• 11:33He had Gypsy blood in him, Del. You know them Gypsy curses.
• 11:39Oh, come on! You don't believe all that pony, do you?
• 11:43It was a long time ago. You've moved since then. He'll never find you.
• 11:49Then again, being a Gypsy... "Never find me"?! Look over there.
• 11:55He's in the same bloody room as me!
• 12:03Don't be silly, Grandad. I mean, ghosts and all that...
• 12:08That's a load of rubbish, innit? Yeah. Kid's stuff, innit?Yeah.
• 12:14That's right, yeah.
• 12:17I'm gonna go to my room and get the paper, alright?Yes.
• 12:30Who left this wooden leg here?
• 12:33Don't be silly, Del Boy!
• 12:39RUNNING WATER
• 12:57I mean, the thing is, Arthur, you an' me used to be friends, once.
• 13:03There ain't no point in holding a grudge, is there?
• 13:07I know what happened annoyed you. It would have annoyed me.
• 13:13But it was a long time ago, so why don't we just let bygones be bygones, eh?
• 13:23You never frightened me with all that old tosh about a curse on me.
• 13:29I ain't the superstitious type.
• 13:32In fact, I don't know why I'm talking to you now.
• 13:36I know you can't hear me, Arthur.
• 13:40That is what you think, Trotter!
• 13:51A...A...Arthur?
• 13:54You...you mean you can hear me?
• 13:57You're coming through louder than a CB... Rubberduck.
• 14:06Is it forgiveness that you seek, Trotter?
• 14:09Yeah. I'm really very sorry for what's happened, Arthur.
• 14:15Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
• 14:20Oh, I do, Arthur. I DO really. I'd do anything to prove it to you, Arthur. Anything.
• 14:27Right then, tell me where your money's hidden.
• 14:34I ain't got no money. Don't give me that, you lying old git!
• 14:40I know you're alright for a few bob an' I want to know where it is.
• 14:45It's under my bed. No, it ain't. I've looked.
• 14:52You've been under my bed?!
• 14:56I've been everywhere, Trotter. I'm always with you.
• 15:02On those cold winter nights when your two grandsons, Rodney and the good-looking one, are out.
• 15:09Haven't you never felt a presence? I am the chill wind that wakes you in the dead of night.
• 15:17I am...I am the movement in the curtains.
• 15:26I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
• 15:31C-R-E-A-K-I-N-G
• 15:35Listen to me, Trotter. I'm always with you.
• 15:41Even when you are alone I am always keeping you company.
• 15:47Heh heh heh heh...
• 15:49What you doing?Aaaaaaaahhh!
• 15:56Oh, you stupid little sod!
• 16:02What was all that about?
• 16:06It was him. Old soppy there was holding a seance with his mate.
• 16:11Never underestimate the powers of the unknown.
• 16:15I say, get them ashes out. Why not get in touch with Trigger?
• 16:20What d'you think I've been doing all night? I've left messages everywhere.
• 16:26WE'LL have to dispose of them.
• 16:30I suppose that's the least we can do, give him a dignified send-off.
• 16:35But we can't give anyone a send-off at 3 am. We'll do it tomorrow.
• 16:41Got any ideas how we'll do it? Put him in an envelope and send him anonymously to a priest.
• 16:49Bowls.Well, you got any better suggestions, then?
• 16:55No, bowls. He was a lifelong member of Peckham Bowling Club. He'd love to be scattered over that green.
• 17:04Yeah...well... Alright, that's what we'll do.
• 17:08They'll refuse.Only if we ask.
• 17:11You can't go sprinkling ashes over a bowling green without bein' noticed. They'll be playing on it.
• 17:19Not if we do it at night.
• 17:22Alright. Well, I'm going to bed.
• 17:25So am I. Goodnight, Grandad. Del Boy?
• 17:29D'you think I've made my peace now?
• 17:32That were a good idea about the bowling green. I think he'd have liked that.
• 17:38An' you heard me apologise to him.
• 17:41I don't think there's anything else that could have incurred his wrath.
• 17:46No...no, 'course not. Mind you, there is one tiny thing that might have upset him.
• 17:53What's that, Del? Arthur is over there.
• 17:59Sweet dreams!
• 18:21What we going to do now? How should I know?
• 18:25This was his bowling club, right? Where he spent many happy hours?
• 18:31So, we'll turn the urn upside down and hop it fast.
• 18:35You can't do that. It'll leave a mound. They'll think it's moles.
• 18:40Well, scatter it evenly about whilst we sing a hymn or something. Do you know any hymns?
• 18:49"We Three Kings Of Orient Are".
• 18:52# We three Kings... THAT is a Christmas carol, wally!
• 18:59Why not just sing "Jingle Bells" while I sprinkle him around (?)
• 19:04Sssshh! You do what you want, but just hurry up.
• 19:08Alright, I'll say a prayer. Kneel down.
• 19:19Dear God, high up in the sky...
• 19:22Blimey, it worked!
• 19:49Can't see a thing. I think you're imagining it. I assure you I saw something!
• 20:03Heave to, Rodney. Heave to. This'll do nicely.
• 20:07I'm telling you for the last time ― you cannot perform a burial at sea at St. Catherine's Dock!
• 20:15I'm performing an Indian ceremony, like what they do at the Ganges. I saw it on "Whicker's World".
• 20:22But this river's polluted.Well, that ain't gonna upset Arthur!
• 20:27What about the river?Shut up.
• 20:30Sit quiet for a minute and just think sort of... religious.
• 20:41BOOMING VOICE: What are you doing?
• 20:46God almighty!
• 20:49THROUGH LOUDHAILER: I repeat ― what are you doing?
• 20:56Thank God for that.Think of something sensible. Don't say we're Boat People or nothing.
• 21:03Don't worry... Em...we're Buddhists.Dear God!
• 21:10We're scattering some remains. It's part of our religion.
• 21:15Have you got written permission?
• 21:19Have we got written permission?
• 21:22'Course we bloody ain't! 'Course we bloody... No, I'm afraid not, Officer.
• 21:29You can't do it, then.
• 21:33Oh. Oh, I see. Right. Thank you very much for all your help.
• 21:39Let him get out of sight, then I'll pour it overboard, right?
• 21:44We'll escort you back to the shore.
• 21:50Oh, right. Thank you very much.
• 21:53There's always a copper when you don't need them, but the sods are never there when you do!
• 22:01Full ahead, Rodney.
• 22:20Magic, ain't they? The old Irish tumble-drier.
• 22:29Oi! You weren't, were you?
• 22:33'Course I weren't! What d'you think I am? A philistine or something?
• 22:39Could be a sign, y'know. What?Our failure to get rid of the contents of that urn.
• 22:47A sign that we shouldn't dabble in them things.What?
• 22:51Look, we're walking straight into the unknown. You don't know what dark powers we might evoke.
• 22:59Oh, give over, you tart. D'you think the bogey-men are gonna get us in our flat?
• 23:05They'd be too knackered to do any haunting. The lifts are broken!
• 23:10Well, as far as I'm concerned, you can forget it, right?
• 23:14Give the urns to a jumble sale or something. I've washed my hands of 'em!
• 23:20Rodders, don't be a plonker. They're worth three hundred quid!
• 23:25You don't go givin' our national treasures to a jumble sale, do you?
• 23:30Think what we could do with £300...
• 23:38Get you a nice pair of dungarees?
• 23:45That's sucked up our urn! OI...!
• 23:52Oi!Oi ― STOP ! You've sucked up our urn!
• 23:58What was he ― a little kitten?
• 24:02Is he winding me up? No, he just don't understand.
• 24:06It's not Ern as in Ernie, it's URN as in...you know, Grecian.
• 24:12So, it's blocking my tubes.
• 24:15I'd block his tubes permanently. Come on!
• 24:20Come on, then. Is it there?
• 24:24There you are.Ah, that's it. And there was the...
• 24:29Thank you.Be more careful where you leave your bloomin' urns next time. I'll get the union on to this.
• 24:38Oh, my God! It's empty. What?!It's EMPTY.
• 24:44Arthur's been sucked up into that thing.
• 24:49It wasn't our fault, though. Was it, Rodders?
• 24:53No... It was a complete accident, Del. Totally beyond our control.
• 24:59There's no need for us to reproach ourselves... Is there?No, there isn't.
• 25:05Must have been an act of God. Don't you see the poetic irony of it?
• 25:11Arthur used to be a roadsweeper. To him, this must be like a viking's burial!
• 25:28Maybe he would have wanted it like this.Maybe...
• 25:35I doubt it, but maybe...
• 25:47Hang on. He's just coming in now.
• 25:49Del Boy, it's for you. Who is it?Trigger.
• 25:53What does he want? You've been leaving messages for him to phone you.
• 25:59That was when I wanted him to have the ashes. But they're gone now.
• 26:05'Ere, supposing he wants them back when he's been on holiday. What am I gonna say?
• 26:12Er... Well, you just say...
• 26:16Well... You'll think of something. Thank you very much, Rodney. And you're a great help, too (!)
• 26:23Git!
• 26:27Hello, Trig! How's it goin'?
• 26:30What's the weather like? Foggy? Well, it's a bit misty here.
• 26:35Where are you? Fog-bound at Gatwick Airport!
• 26:40He's still here. He could come back for them.
• 26:45Em, Trig... Well, the thing is, we've got a bit of a problem.
• 26:49Yeah, an' it's a bit delicate, so... I'd brace myself if I were you.
• 26:57Well, remember them urns that I had off you?
• 27:01I was just cleaning them up to get them ready to go to the Boy Scouts' Bring & Buy Sale...
• 27:08And...er...I found your grandad's ashes in one of them. I wondered what you wanted me to do with them.
• 27:16This is the problem, isn't it? I mean, what DO you do with 'em?
• 27:22Look, why don't you leave it up to me, Trig?
• 27:26'Course it will be a respectable and dignified ceremony!
• 27:32Yeah? Yeah, good boy. You know it makes sense...
• 27:38Yeah... Eh? Well, they must be your grandad's.
• 27:47No, I didn't know that.
• 27:50No, nobody told me.
• 27:55Have a nice time, Trig. I'll see you when you get back.
• 28:13Summat you forgot to tell me. Eh, Grandad?What's that, Del Boy?
• 28:18Trigger's nan was married twice. Oh, no...!
• 28:48# No income tax, no VAT,
• 28:51# No money back, no guarantee,
• 28:54# Black or white, rich or poor,
• 28:57# We'll cut prices at a stro-ke!
• 29:02# God bless Hookey Street,
• 29:05# Viva Hookey Street!
• 29:08# Long live Hookey Street!
• 29:11# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
• 29:14# Magnifique, Hookey Street!
• 29:18# Hookey Street. #
• 29:21Subtitles by Eithne Thomson BBC Scotland, 1990