Only Fools and Horses S02E02 — Ashes to Ashes

Every line from “Ashes to Ashes” (287 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# 'Cos if you want the best 'uns, but you don't ask questions,
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man!
00:17# 'Cos where it comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing seasons or the tides of the sea.
00:26# But here's the one that's driving me beserk:
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:37Listen, now why shed a tear through necessity when you've got me about, eh?
00:45Look what I've brought you today. Authentic French nylon tights.
00:50As worn by Sacha Distel's mum. No, I'm serious.
00:5420 denier, sheer nylon. They're not only runproof, they're funproof!
00:59If I asked you for £1 a pair I'd be killed in the stampede, yes?
01:05But I'm not gonna ask you for £1.
01:09What did you say? You'd give me 60p? Put your money away. I don't want 60p a pair.
01:16I want 50p a pair an' I'm starvin' myself!You must be joking! Come on!
01:22I thought you were bargain-hunters.
01:24You can't even get these in the factory for 50p a pair...
01:33Oi, Rodney! Am I keeping you awake? Don't mind me, Del. You carry on.
01:38I know the Gov't keep asking us to save energy, but this is taking the piss.
01:45Look, I ain't had a lot of sleep. I was worrying about the trouble. What trouble?
01:51Last night I went round that bird Linda's house.
01:55An' her mum and dad came home early.An' caught you at it, eh?
02:00Well, no ― they didn't actually catch us. So, where's the trouble?
02:07As I was leaving, her dad noticed my jeans were on back to front.
02:14Your jeans back to front...! What did he say?
02:18He swore at me.I bet he did! I bet he didn't know whether you were comin' or goin', did he?
02:30Oh, hello, Trig. 'Ere, how's your gran?
02:34Didn't you hear? She passed on. Oh, I am sorry, Trig.
02:39It ain't your fault, Del.
02:42Funeral's on Friday. You'll come, won't you?Well, I'm a bit tied...
02:48Anyway, you don't want a big crowd. I'm the only one going.
02:57Oh...oh. Alright, I'll come. I'll bring Grandad an' all. He knew your gran. Rodney'll come an' all.
03:05Eh?!Cheers, Del. Appreciate it. That's alright.
03:09Tell you what ― I'll order a car, shall I?That's a good idea, Trig.
03:15I'll see you at Gran's house. About 10 o'clock.Alright.
03:20Oi, what's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral?You wouldn't want him to go on his own? No.
03:29Anyway, it'll be good practice for me an' Grandad.Practice for what? For when Linda's dad catches you!
03:37That is not funny, Derek.I think it is. Come on, French tights, as worn by Charles Aznavour's...
04:04Wedgwood.That's pottery.
04:07That must be why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week.
04:13'Ere, look at this over here. Look at that...
04:21It's a copy.
04:25These are nice ― matching pair an' all.Talk about a vulture!
04:30Listen, Grandad, Trig's gran left him this stuff in her will an' he wants to sell it, right?
04:37You know Trig. He ain't that bright.
04:42I mean, a lot are born a ha'penny short of a shilling. In Trig's case, God added VAT.
04:48If he takes this lot up town he'll get done. I reckon it's much better to get stitched up by a friend.
04:56I put your coats in the bedroom. Fancy a drink?
05:01Dave?
05:03Er...I'll just have a small large one, Trig.
05:08Don't you think this is the wrong time to do this?'Course not.
05:12Trig, what d'you reckon? Would your gran like to think of us moping?
05:18She'd have loved it. She was a miserable old cow.
05:22She never used to be like that, son. She was a real livewire. Life an' soul of the party, was Alice.
05:30Yeah, they reckon that's what finished my Grandad off... You knew my Grandad, didn't you, Mr Trotter?
05:38― Yeah, I knew Arthur. ― He took care of me when Mum went.
05:43Where was your dad?He died a couple of years before I was born.
05:51I can almost see my Grandad now. Sitting by the fire ― one leg on the fender, the other in the corner...
06:03He had a false leg.Oh, I thought it was long.Don't be silly.
06:08He was a roadsweeper, as well. Yeah, taught you.Takes you back...
06:14You gotta look to the future, Trig. You're goin' on holiday, ain't you?
06:19I'm looking forward to that. I've been under pressure with Gran bein' in hospital.
06:26Be nice to get away from it all. I'm goin' to live it up. Y'know, discos, golden beaches, blue skies.
06:35Where are you going?Ireland.
06:40My Gran left me some money so I ain't short of a few bob.
06:44CAR HORN Car's here.Well, just take one last look round the old place.
06:51When you think of all that's gone on in this house.
06:56Me Gran an' Grandad living here together... Makes you go cold, don't it?
07:02Come on, you should remember all the warmth and love between them.
07:08They didn't talk to each other for fifteen years!Fifteen years?!
07:14My Grandad found out, when he was in the Army, she had another man.
07:23Did YOU ever hear that rumour?
07:27Me? No, son. Did he ever say who it was?
07:32Never. I wish I knew... I'll fetch the coats.
07:36The bedroom's up... I know.
07:44That confirms it, Rodders. Yeah?Yeah.
07:49Confirms what?Well, look ― see that little mark there...What?
07:54There. Oh, I'll get that off.
07:58Not THERE ! Not on... Look, that little mark on there.
08:05That confirms that these little urns are Meissen.No?! Yeah. Guaranteed, brother.
08:14Meissen, eh?Yeah.
08:18What's Meissen then, Del?
08:21It's German china, innit? Mid-19th century according to the book.
08:26Christie's had a china sale last week and a pair like this, not in such good condition, went for £250.
08:34These must be worth £300 of anybody's money. Hang on, I'll fetch the newspaper.
08:40Oi, you! You just keep your mitts off that. I've got my eye on you.
08:46300 nicker... Don't look very valuable.
08:50The best ones never do.Looks like the stuff we won at the fair.
08:56Oi ― watch you don't break that.
09:01Gawd almighty!Grandad, what's up with you?Just look for yourself. Look at what?In there.
09:13It's not a spider, is it?No.
09:22What is it?It's Arthur.
09:27Arthur?Trig's grandad, Arthur. Them's his ASHES !
09:34Put the lid on, Rodney.
09:40Bloody hell!
09:43Del? Come in here please. There's something up with the urns.
09:48If that soppy old git's broken it, I'll stick his head down the khazi!
09:56What's up?It's Arthur's ashes.
09:59What ― the black bloke that won Wimbledon?
10:05No. It's Trigger's GRANDAD, Arthur!
10:12His ashes are in that urn.
10:21Don't take the top off! What's the matter with you? Is there a genie in there?
10:33How d'you know it's him? It's hardly a passport photo.
10:38It's him alright. I KNOW it's him! Alright, it's him. Nothing to worry about, is there?
10:46"Nothing to worry about"? You don't know the full story.
10:50See, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife. Well, they was true.
10:56Nothing happened between us, you gotta believe that. Nothing.
11:01We was just two lonely people. Arthur was away in the Army an' your gran had just departed...
11:10She hadn't died. Just departed. Oh, gotcha.
11:15We was just company for one another. But Arthur wouldn't believe that.
11:21He wasn't that soppy. He put a curse on me, Del.
11:25He pointed his bony finger at me and said, "Trotter, some day, somehow, I'm going to haunt you!"
11:33He had Gypsy blood in him, Del. You know them Gypsy curses.
11:39Oh, come on! You don't believe all that pony, do you?
11:43It was a long time ago. You've moved since then. He'll never find you.
11:49Then again, being a Gypsy... "Never find me"?! Look over there.
11:55He's in the same bloody room as me!
12:03Don't be silly, Grandad. I mean, ghosts and all that...
12:08That's a load of rubbish, innit? Yeah. Kid's stuff, innit?Yeah.
12:14That's right, yeah.
12:17I'm gonna go to my room and get the paper, alright?Yes.
12:30Who left this wooden leg here?
12:33Don't be silly, Del Boy!
12:39RUNNING WATER
12:57I mean, the thing is, Arthur, you an' me used to be friends, once.
13:03There ain't no point in holding a grudge, is there?
13:07I know what happened annoyed you. It would have annoyed me.
13:13But it was a long time ago, so why don't we just let bygones be bygones, eh?
13:23You never frightened me with all that old tosh about a curse on me.
13:29I ain't the superstitious type.
13:32In fact, I don't know why I'm talking to you now.
13:36I know you can't hear me, Arthur.
13:40That is what you think, Trotter!
13:51A...A...Arthur?
13:54You...you mean you can hear me?
13:57You're coming through louder than a CB... Rubberduck.
14:06Is it forgiveness that you seek, Trotter?
14:09Yeah. I'm really very sorry for what's happened, Arthur.
14:15Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
14:20Oh, I do, Arthur. I DO really. I'd do anything to prove it to you, Arthur. Anything.
14:27Right then, tell me where your money's hidden.
14:34I ain't got no money. Don't give me that, you lying old git!
14:40I know you're alright for a few bob an' I want to know where it is.
14:45It's under my bed. No, it ain't. I've looked.
14:52You've been under my bed?!
14:56I've been everywhere, Trotter. I'm always with you.
15:02On those cold winter nights when your two grandsons, Rodney and the good-looking one, are out.
15:09Haven't you never felt a presence? I am the chill wind that wakes you in the dead of night.
15:17I am...I am the movement in the curtains.
15:26I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
15:31C-R-E-A-K-I-N-G
15:35Listen to me, Trotter. I'm always with you.
15:41Even when you are alone I am always keeping you company.
15:47Heh heh heh heh...
15:49What you doing?Aaaaaaaahhh!
15:56Oh, you stupid little sod!
16:02What was all that about?
16:06It was him. Old soppy there was holding a seance with his mate.
16:11Never underestimate the powers of the unknown.
16:15I say, get them ashes out. Why not get in touch with Trigger?
16:20What d'you think I've been doing all night? I've left messages everywhere.
16:26WE'LL have to dispose of them.
16:30I suppose that's the least we can do, give him a dignified send-off.
16:35But we can't give anyone a send-off at 3 am. We'll do it tomorrow.
16:41Got any ideas how we'll do it? Put him in an envelope and send him anonymously to a priest.
16:49Bowls.Well, you got any better suggestions, then?
16:55No, bowls. He was a lifelong member of Peckham Bowling Club. He'd love to be scattered over that green.
17:04Yeah...well... Alright, that's what we'll do.
17:08They'll refuse.Only if we ask.
17:11You can't go sprinkling ashes over a bowling green without bein' noticed. They'll be playing on it.
17:19Not if we do it at night.
17:22Alright. Well, I'm going to bed.
17:25So am I. Goodnight, Grandad. Del Boy?
17:29D'you think I've made my peace now?
17:32That were a good idea about the bowling green. I think he'd have liked that.
17:38An' you heard me apologise to him.
17:41I don't think there's anything else that could have incurred his wrath.
17:46No...no, 'course not. Mind you, there is one tiny thing that might have upset him.
17:53What's that, Del? Arthur is over there.
17:59Sweet dreams!
18:21What we going to do now? How should I know?
18:25This was his bowling club, right? Where he spent many happy hours?
18:31So, we'll turn the urn upside down and hop it fast.
18:35You can't do that. It'll leave a mound. They'll think it's moles.
18:40Well, scatter it evenly about whilst we sing a hymn or something. Do you know any hymns?
18:49"We Three Kings Of Orient Are".
18:52# We three Kings... THAT is a Christmas carol, wally!
18:59Why not just sing "Jingle Bells" while I sprinkle him around (?)
19:04Sssshh! You do what you want, but just hurry up.
19:08Alright, I'll say a prayer. Kneel down.
19:19Dear God, high up in the sky...
19:22Blimey, it worked!
19:49Can't see a thing. I think you're imagining it. I assure you I saw something!
20:03Heave to, Rodney. Heave to. This'll do nicely.
20:07I'm telling you for the last time ― you cannot perform a burial at sea at St. Catherine's Dock!
20:15I'm performing an Indian ceremony, like what they do at the Ganges. I saw it on "Whicker's World".
20:22But this river's polluted.Well, that ain't gonna upset Arthur!
20:27What about the river?Shut up.
20:30Sit quiet for a minute and just think sort of... religious.
20:41BOOMING VOICE: What are you doing?
20:46God almighty!
20:49THROUGH LOUDHAILER: I repeat ― what are you doing?
20:56Thank God for that.Think of something sensible. Don't say we're Boat People or nothing.
21:03Don't worry... Em...we're Buddhists.Dear God!
21:10We're scattering some remains. It's part of our religion.
21:15Have you got written permission?
21:19Have we got written permission?
21:22'Course we bloody ain't! 'Course we bloody... No, I'm afraid not, Officer.
21:29You can't do it, then.
21:33Oh. Oh, I see. Right. Thank you very much for all your help.
21:39Let him get out of sight, then I'll pour it overboard, right?
21:44We'll escort you back to the shore.
21:50Oh, right. Thank you very much.
21:53There's always a copper when you don't need them, but the sods are never there when you do!
22:01Full ahead, Rodney.
22:20Magic, ain't they? The old Irish tumble-drier.
22:29Oi! You weren't, were you?
22:33'Course I weren't! What d'you think I am? A philistine or something?
22:39Could be a sign, y'know. What?Our failure to get rid of the contents of that urn.
22:47A sign that we shouldn't dabble in them things.What?
22:51Look, we're walking straight into the unknown. You don't know what dark powers we might evoke.
22:59Oh, give over, you tart. D'you think the bogey-men are gonna get us in our flat?
23:05They'd be too knackered to do any haunting. The lifts are broken!
23:10Well, as far as I'm concerned, you can forget it, right?
23:14Give the urns to a jumble sale or something. I've washed my hands of 'em!
23:20Rodders, don't be a plonker. They're worth three hundred quid!
23:25You don't go givin' our national treasures to a jumble sale, do you?
23:30Think what we could do with £300...
23:38Get you a nice pair of dungarees?
23:45That's sucked up our urn! OI...!
23:52Oi!Oi ― STOP ! You've sucked up our urn!
23:58What was he ― a little kitten?
24:02Is he winding me up? No, he just don't understand.
24:06It's not Ern as in Ernie, it's URN as in...you know, Grecian.
24:12So, it's blocking my tubes.
24:15I'd block his tubes permanently. Come on!
24:20Come on, then. Is it there?
24:24There you are.Ah, that's it. And there was the...
24:29Thank you.Be more careful where you leave your bloomin' urns next time. I'll get the union on to this.
24:38Oh, my God! It's empty. What?!It's EMPTY.
24:44Arthur's been sucked up into that thing.
24:49It wasn't our fault, though. Was it, Rodders?
24:53No... It was a complete accident, Del. Totally beyond our control.
24:59There's no need for us to reproach ourselves... Is there?No, there isn't.
25:05Must have been an act of God. Don't you see the poetic irony of it?
25:11Arthur used to be a roadsweeper. To him, this must be like a viking's burial!
25:28Maybe he would have wanted it like this.Maybe...
25:35I doubt it, but maybe...
25:47Hang on. He's just coming in now.
25:49Del Boy, it's for you. Who is it?Trigger.
25:53What does he want? You've been leaving messages for him to phone you.
25:59That was when I wanted him to have the ashes. But they're gone now.
26:05'Ere, supposing he wants them back when he's been on holiday. What am I gonna say?
26:12Er... Well, you just say...
26:16Well... You'll think of something. Thank you very much, Rodney. And you're a great help, too (!)
26:23Git!
26:27Hello, Trig! How's it goin'?
26:30What's the weather like? Foggy? Well, it's a bit misty here.
26:35Where are you? Fog-bound at Gatwick Airport!
26:40He's still here. He could come back for them.
26:45Em, Trig... Well, the thing is, we've got a bit of a problem.
26:49Yeah, an' it's a bit delicate, so... I'd brace myself if I were you.
26:57Well, remember them urns that I had off you?
27:01I was just cleaning them up to get them ready to go to the Boy Scouts' Bring & Buy Sale...
27:08And...er...I found your grandad's ashes in one of them. I wondered what you wanted me to do with them.
27:16This is the problem, isn't it? I mean, what DO you do with 'em?
27:22Look, why don't you leave it up to me, Trig?
27:26'Course it will be a respectable and dignified ceremony!
27:32Yeah? Yeah, good boy. You know it makes sense...
27:38Yeah... Eh? Well, they must be your grandad's.
27:47No, I didn't know that.
27:50No, nobody told me.
27:55Have a nice time, Trig. I'll see you when you get back.
28:13Summat you forgot to tell me. Eh, Grandad?What's that, Del Boy?
28:18Trigger's nan was married twice. Oh, no...!
28:48# No income tax, no VAT,
28:51# No money back, no guarantee,
28:54# Black or white, rich or poor,
28:57# We'll cut prices at a stro-ke!
29:02# God bless Hookey Street,
29:05# Viva Hookey Street!
29:08# Long live Hookey Street!
29:11# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street!
29:14# Magnifique, Hookey Street!
29:18# Hookey Street. #
29:21Subtitles by Eithne Thomson BBC Scotland, 1990