lovelyjubbly · episodes

Only Fools and Horses S02E04 — No Greater Love

Every line from “No Greater Love” (306 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:09# Cos if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions,
• 00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
• 00:17# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
• 00:21# It's like the changing seasons And the tides of the sea
• 00:26# But here's the one driving me berserk
• 00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
• 00:35I don't LIKE camel hair, Del! This is NOT camel hair! It's genuine polyesterry!
• 00:43That's it! Look in the mirror.
• 00:51Handsome, innit, eh? Handsome !? It's MILES too big!
• 00:56That's the fashion.How come YOURS looks like it's made-to-measure?
• 01:02This one, yeah. Bit too small for me. I saved you the best one.
• 01:07Del, it's horrible!
• 01:10You could at least wear it for a while, see if you get used to it!
• 01:15It IS a gift, Rodney. I mean, it IS a gift.
• 01:29You're right, Del. It really grows on you, doesn't it?
• 01:34You like it, then?I love it! I think it's really, really smart! Cheers!I'm glad you like it.
• 01:44That's a score you owe me. A score? You said it was a gift!
• 01:49It IS a gift at 20 nicker!
• 01:52Yeah, but...Alright, don't worry about the money, Rodders.
• 01:57I'll take it out of your wages.
• 02:01You said you liked it! Yeah, I know! But...
• 02:07Yeah. Yeah. Cheers, Del.
• 02:09That's what brothers are for!
• 02:12Pop in on Mrs Singh. She had two Persian rugs and a dinner service and hasn't paid a penny off 'em.
• 02:21Right.And see if you can get her interested in any of this gear.
• 02:26Del, Mrs Singh's a Hindu! Hindus don't wear peekaboo bras and nifty knickers!
• 02:33Are you some kind of Swami? You don't know what goes on under them saris!
• 02:39Go on. See you later.
• 02:50S'cuse me.Oh!Can you tell me if Mrs Singh is in?She moved away three weeks ago. I've got her flat.
• 02:59Great (!) Did she say where she was moving to?Bangladesh.
• 03:04Oh, good. I thought we'd lost her.
• 03:07CanIdo anything for you?
• 03:11Nah, not really. She just owes us for some things she bought off us.
• 03:17What are you - a tallyman?No, no.
• 03:20It's just that I occasionally get my hands on a few bargains. Really? What are you selling today?
• 03:28Women's clothing. Skirts, blouses, underw... lingerie. That sort of thing.
• 03:35Bring them inside. I might be interested...Yeah, alright...
• 03:41Are you coming in or not? Yeah, OK.
• 04:12Bloody hell, he's a big bloke!
• 04:16I can't hear you!Eh? No, nothing!
• 04:19Well? What do you think?
• 04:23Hm?
• 04:25T'riffic.You don't think it's too revealing?
• 04:29No, no. That's just right.
• 04:31Here, I can't quite reach this zip. Can you give us a hand?
• 04:39Eh, what time does your husband get home?He doesn't. He's away.
• 04:44Oh!
• 04:48Ooh, ain't you got a strong grip!
• 04:51It's all that free school milk they kept giving us.
• 04:55So you're on your own, then?No. Oh...There's my son Marcus. Oh, right.
• 05:02Is he asleep upstairs?No, he's down the snooker hall. He's 16 !
• 05:10I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you been ill recently?
• 05:18And lost a lot of weight?
• 05:21This? No! This is the fashion!
• 05:25Is it really...? Well, I'm so out of touch. I seem to spend all day in this flat!
• 05:32You don't know many local people?
• 05:35No, I only moved in last month.
• 05:39Must get a bit gutty every evening.
• 05:43'Specially for someone who's used to going out and enjoying herself! Are there any nice places here?
• 05:51No.
• 05:53Oh, there's a dinner-dance place that's supposed to be good. I was thinking of going Saturday night.
• 06:00Going out with your girlfriend?
• 06:03I haven't got a girlfriend. I mean... Not a regular one.
• 06:08Oh, hundreds of casuals, I'll bet! Yeah, all over the place.
• 06:13But they're all busy Saturday night. So, em...I was wondering if you'd... If you're not busy...
• 06:21I expect you are, but if you're not... Would you like to come with me?
• 06:28Thank you very much. It's just...
• 06:31I know. You have arrangements. No.You're washing your hair.No.
• 06:37Mending your bike.I did that last Tuesday!So what is it, then?
• 06:42Well... How old are you?
• 06:46I'm not a kid. I'm 23 and a half.
• 06:49Exactly. You're 23 and a half and I'm...older than you.
• 06:54So?
• 06:55Doesn't it bother you?No. Does it bother you?No.What's the problem?
• 07:01There isn't one! Thanks very much, I'd love to go out with you!
• 07:07I'll pick you up in a v... in a minicab.
• 07:11But you'd better tell me your name! It'd be embarrassing calling you "Thingy" all night!
• 07:18Sorry, yeah. Rodney.Irene.
• 07:21No, Rodney.
• 07:24Oh! Sorry!
• 07:26Eh...
• 07:28Pleased to meet you, Irene. Oh! Yeah!Well, I'd better get my suit down the cleaners!
• 07:35Rodney... You sure you don't mind? People might stare.
• 07:40Let them stare! That don't bother me! I went out with a CHINESE girl once!
• 07:53'Course I missed you today! Yeah, I missed you yesterday and the day before that!
• 08:01You know I think about you all the time!
• 08:07Are ya? Really?
• 08:10Awww!
• 08:13Oi!
• 08:15Yeah...? I mean, "Yeah?" Can I dip my bread in your egg?
• 08:20Help yourself.
• 08:23Thanks.
• 08:27Eh? No, no, that's my brother.
• 08:30Oh, yeah. OK. I'll see you soon.
• 08:33'Course I do!
• 08:37I CAN'T !
• 08:39There's PEOPLE here!
• 08:45Yeah, alright. OK. See ya. Bye.
• 08:49Who was that, Rodney?Eh? Oh, eh...Mickey Pierce.
• 09:00Mickey Pierce?
• 09:03Del, I've got a bit of a problem.
• 09:07I don't want to know! I'd rather die in ignorance!
• 09:12There's never been anything like... THAT in our family!
• 09:17Hang on! Mickey's away on holiday!
• 09:20Oh, yeah... Well... It wasn't him, actually. It was a girl.
• 09:28Don't you ever do that again! I'll be up all night with heartburn!
• 09:33So you've got a bird, have ya? That explains it.Explains what?
• 09:38Explains why you've been lollopping about!
• 09:42It's affecting business.How can it affect business?I'll show you!
• 09:47You're letting this Irene Mackay pay off 17 quids' worth of clothes at 25 pence a week.
• 09:56That means you've got to go round there every week for a year! Yeah, I know!
• 10:05Ohh! I get it! Rodney's got a mystery!
• 10:11Irene's not a mystery! We've been seeing a lot of each other and... well, we've become quite close.
• 10:19Promise not to laugh?Of course I won't laugh!I think I'm in love!
• 10:28Do us a favour! Last month you was in love with that skinny bird from the dry cleaners!
• 10:35Along comes another little girl and you're away again!
• 10:39Marguerite from the dry cleaners was just an infatuation. And Irene is not a girl, she's a woman.
• 10:47A woman, eh? He's fallen in love with someone who's got the vote!
• 10:53How old is she? Twenty?
• 10:56No... She's about thirty.
• 10:59What do you mean - "about thirty"? How old is she exactly?Forty.
• 11:04Forty !?
• 11:06FORTY ? You're not serious, are ya? What's wrong with going out with a woman of forty?
• 11:15Nothing! Nothing at all, if you happen to be fifty!
• 11:20Blimey! She's even too old for ME !
• 11:22Well, I'D have to think twice!
• 11:26Shut up, Grandad.
• 11:29He's right. When she was drinking frothy coffee with some Ted, you was struggling with gripe water!
• 11:37No, Bruv, this is YOUR problem. That's not the problem. There's more?Yeah. Her husband.
• 11:45She's not married an' all, is she?
• 11:49He don't live with her. He's away.
• 11:51Where?Parkhurst.
• 11:55I don't BELIEVE you! You're not going case-oh with a convict's wife, are ya !?
• 12:04You don't half jump to conclusions! Just 'cos he's in Parkhurst don't mean he's a convict.
• 12:11He could be a warder, or a guv'nor! And is he?
• 12:15Is he what?A warder or a guv'nor!
• 12:18No, he's a convict. But you weren't sure, were you?
• 12:23What's he in there for, Rodney? Oh, this and that.Like what?
• 12:29Like GBH and attempted murder.
• 12:34Got a bit of a temper, has he?
• 12:37He used to beat Irene up, Del! She's moved here from the East End to get away from him!
• 12:45"Get away from him"? He's on the Isle of bloody Wight!
• 12:50I know, but he's being released soon, and that's the problem.
• 12:55Do you think I should go and tell him about me and Irene, man to man?
• 13:07Well, let me put it this way.
• 13:09If you're ever fed-up with having knees in the middle of your legs...
• 13:14then go and see him. If you're quite attached to them, emigrate to Vietnam!
• 13:21You stupid little plonker! What do you think this is - Jackanory? This bloke's a killer!
• 13:28He's only in for ATTEMPTED murder.
• 13:31Maybe that was just practice! His first success is going to be Rodney!
• 13:38You're like the rest of society! Frightened!
• 13:42Who, me? Frightened of them nutters out there in the shadows? Yes.
• 13:47Oh, yeah, they frighten me, Rodney.
• 13:50Well, I've got a life to live and a little thug like Tommy Mackay isn't going to tell me what to do!
• 13:58This is one battle I have to win!Alright...
• 14:02Go ahead, Popeye! Are you going to carry around a few tins of spinach?
• 14:07You wanted my advice, right? Well, here it is.
• 14:12Steer clear of Irene Mackay. Otherwise, sleep with one eye open!
• 14:17Alright?Well, I'll think about it, Del. I'm going to Irene's. Off you go. On your bike.
• 14:24I wouldn't bother putting that on, 'cos you'll soon be wearing a CONCRETE overcoat!
• 14:31You'll be helping to support a flyover on the M26 !
• 14:39What are you going to do, Del Boy? Well... Nothing!
• 14:44You know what he's like with birds. Falls in and out of love more times than Starsky and Hutch!
• 14:51They always give him the elbow. And if she don't?
• 14:56I'll put his name down for BUPA.
• 15:22Good morning, my little pot-pourri! Give us a Tia Maria and pineapple, and half a lager for Lover-boy.
• 15:30He's on Scotch. That's his fourth! Well, one more and that's his lot.
• 15:36Alright, Rodders? I done well today! I knocked out all of them Georgian digital clocks.
• 15:43Yeah?Yeah.T'riffic.
• 15:46I'll leave that there, right? Don't sit on it.
• 15:53What's the matter with you? Nothing.Now, come on, what's the matter?It's Irene.
• 16:00What, they've turned down her free bus-pass?
• 16:05She's finished with me!
• 16:09Oh. Oh, well... All's well that ends well, I suppose. It hasn't ended well for ME !
• 16:17Come on! You've had a few drinks, a bit of the old Humpty-Dumpty, and now it's finished.
• 16:25You're a pig! That is the pinnacle of your aesthetic appreciation! A drink and a bit of Humpty-Dumpty!
• 16:33Just putting it into perspective. You didn't honestly think anything would come of it, did you?
• 16:41I loved her, Del.
• 16:45Now, come on, Rodney...
• 16:48Believe me, Bruv, it's...it's all for the best in the end. I know exactly what would have happened.
• 16:57You'd go down the roller-disco and meet some blinding 18-year-old,
• 17:04and she'd have fell head-over-heels for you, wouldn't she?
• 17:09Well...Yeah. And then you'd have to go and break the news to Irene.
• 17:15How would she feel, knowing she's lost in love to a younger woman?
• 17:23She wouldn't be losing just any man. She'd be losing YOU.
• 17:31I never thought of it like that.
• 17:34Well... That scar would never heal.
• 17:38No... Oh, poor chick!
• 17:43Exactly. It's "que sera sera", as the French say.
• 17:48Anyway, her old man was released, so it saved you from that.
• 17:54Yeah, you're right. Sorry I've been such a pain.'Course you ain't.
• 17:59No, I've been acting like a wally.
• 18:03Oi, I don't want you talking like that, Rodney.
• 18:07Your emotions are what separate you from... Well, from those morons.
• 18:14Del...No, it's alright. This just shows that you're a human being in the fullest sense.
• 18:22It proves you have a heart, Rodney.
• 18:25Them feelings deserve respect and dignity.
• 18:30Don't feel ashamed of them. Feel proud of them.
• 18:37Yeah...
• 18:39Cheers, Del.It's alright. I'll get our drinks, eh?Yeah.
• 18:45Wha's up with him?Oh, some old tart gave him the sack.
• 18:51You know what he's like!
• 18:54You won't find any answers in the bottom of a glass.
• 18:59I just fancied a drink, that's all. Just lay off the bottle, right?
• 19:04Cheers, then.Cheers.Good luck.
• 19:08Hello, Rodney.Hello, Marcus! This is Irene's son.
• 19:13This is my brother.Alright, Del? Yeah. Hello, son.
• 19:19Smart-looking kid, isn't he, eh?
• 19:23He can pick up BBC2 on that hair!
• 19:28BBC2 on his hair...!
• 19:36Oh, what's the matter NOW ? Eh? Oh, nothing. But...how did you know Irene's husband was released?
• 19:43Eh? Well... You must have said. Did I ?Yeah.But I didn't know.
• 19:49How else would I know?
• 19:52I suppose I must have. Yeah. Come on, let's get going.
• 19:57Drink up. Let's see if we can do a bit this afternoon.Yeah, OK.
• 20:03How did Marcus know your name? You introduced us, didn't you?
• 20:10No, I just said you was my brother.
• 20:13He must have heard my name before somewhere.But he's never met you.
• 20:18Well, he must've seen my 'D', eh? It's obvious my name's Del!
• 20:23No, that could stand for David or Daniel... He's wearing one of your coats!
• 20:32We're ALL wearing them! It's the fashion! Let's go!
• 20:36Marcus, how did you know his name?
• 20:40I met him when he took Mum out.
• 20:49You took Irene out?
• 20:54It's not what you think. I just... wanted to talk to her about you. Me? What did you tell her about me?
• 21:02Nothing! I just...told her a few home truths, that's all.
• 21:08I just said that if she thought anything of you... she ought to leave you alone.
• 21:18Thanks, Del. Where would I be without you, eh? Happy, maybe!
• 21:23Rodney, wait! I did it for you! Did you want to end up dead?
• 21:29No, but it's nice to have a choice! One of these days, Del...!
• 21:34Rodney...! I did it for YOU !
• 21:54That's the thanks I get!
• 22:01Oh, yes! It was made for you, Ahmed, my son!It's too big, man!
• 22:07No, it isn't! That's the fashion! Look, it's beautiful at the back!
• 22:14YOURS isn't too big!
• 22:16Oh, but this is small on me. I reserved the best one for you. Come on, 25 nicker.
• 22:23You can't go wrong!Alright, man. I'll take it.That's it!
• 22:29Do you want to pay now or do you want it on the old...?£2 a week? Fine. You won't catch cold in that!
• 22:45OI ! Get out! What's your game? Take it easy, man!
• 22:50There's someone here who's dying to meet you!Oh, yeah? Who's that? Me.>
• 22:57Mackay's the name. Tommy Mackay. Ring a bell, does it?
• 23:03Yeah...I think I've heard of it before.
• 23:07You bet your life you've heard it before, sunshine! You've been seen out with my wife, Trotter!
• 23:15Guilty or not guilty? It was just a friendly drink.
• 23:19But I'm not a friendly geezer. That kind of thing makes me angry!
• 23:24I'm going to teach you a lesson, Rodney, my old son.
• 23:30Let's not be hasty, eh?
• 23:33..Rodney? Did you say Rodney?
• 23:37Rodney Trotter. That's you, innit?
• 23:47Yeah... Yeah, I'm Rodney Trotter. Yeah.Good.
• 23:52OK, Leroy, give him to me.
• 24:10NOW look what you made me do! That was a brand-new coat, that was!
• 24:19GRUNTING AND THUMPING
• 24:26Ohh!Argggh!Errgh! Ooomph! >
• 25:19Rodders... Guess what I done for you, Rodders.
• 25:24If it's another example of your "brotherly love", forget it! As far as I'm concerned...
• 25:31What the bloody hell happened !?
• 25:34No, it's alright. It's alright. I just eh...walked into a door.
• 25:40And it did all that?
• 25:43Yeah, it was a revolving door! Ohh...!
• 25:47Listen, I had a bit of luck tonight. I bumped into Tommy Mackay.
• 25:55That was lucky, wasn't it, eh?
• 25:58Did HE do that?No, no, I just had one too many, like, and fell downstairs at Monkey Harris's house.
• 26:06He lives in a bungalow. He's moved! Shut up and listen!
• 26:12Well, I had a chat with Tommy Mackay, you see...
• 26:17and I succeeded where the social workers and psychiatrists failed - I rehabilitated him!
• 26:24He won't give you no more problems.
• 26:28The path's clear for you and Irene.
• 26:31Me and Irene? Oh, that's over, Del.
• 26:39What?
• 26:41We had a long chat about it and we decided it would never work.
• 26:46Yes, it will! It WILL work!
• 26:50There's a box of Black Magic in the van. I've only had one out of it! Whip it round to her now. Go on!
• 26:58No, it's no good, Del. It was just circumstance that threw us together.
• 27:03She was lonely in a strange part of town, and... I was just looking for a mother figure, I suppose.
• 27:10You were right, Del.No, I wasn't! I don't mean about me and Irene. What DO you mean, then?
• 27:18I went down the roller-disco and I met this bird, Zoe!
• 27:22Zoe?
• 27:2418, she is, with a body that makes Bo Derek look a cert for plastic surgery!
• 27:31Irene was just infatuation, but this is love!Oww!
• 27:37Oi! Here she is now!
• 27:40Alright, Zoe? This is my brother. He fell down some stairs. Nice to meet you!
• 27:47Hello-oww!
• 27:51Are we going, then?Yeah, right. See you, Del.
• 27:55Finish that, if you want it. See you, Rodders. See you, Zoe.
• 28:00You should get that head looked at.
• 28:03That's the truest bloody word you've spoke for ages, Rodney!
• 28:14What happened to you?Me? No, no. Nothing happened to ME.
• 28:19RODNEY got a bloody good hiding!
• 28:29# We got some half-price deep pile Miles and miles of carpet tile
• 28:33# TV, deepfreeze, David Bowie LPs
• 28:36# Voodoo gold chains, What's-its-names and leather boots
• 28:39# Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
• 28:45# No income tax, no VAT
• 28:48# No money back, no guarantee
• 28:51# Black or white, rich or poor
• 28:54# We'll cut prices at a stro-oke!
• 28:58# God bless Hookey Street
• 29:02# Viva Hookey Street
• 29:05# Long live Hookey Street
• 29:08# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
• 29:11# Magnifique, Hookey Street
• 29:15# Hookey Street... #
• 29:18Subtitles by Anne Morgan BBC Scotland 1990