Only Fools and Horses S02E05 — The Yellow Peril

Every line from “The Yellow Peril” (330 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van.
00:09# Cos if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions,
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
00:17# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing seasons And the tides of the sea
00:26# But here's the one driving me berserk
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:40So we have a deal, Mr Chin? Yes, we have a deal.Good.
00:45Do you take Barclaycard? Do YOU?
00:51No, call me old-fashioned but I'm a readies man. Cash in hand, that's my motto.
00:58Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow.
01:01Can't you do it today? Eh? Oh, no, sorry, I can't do it today, Mr Chin.
01:07Today is a very special day.
01:10Today is the anniversary of my late mother's passing from this immortal curl.
01:17By tradition, my brother and me, we spend the day with her in the cemetery, tending the grave.
01:25Anyway, I've got to go and buy some flowers.
01:28I am VERY sorry.
01:31That's OK. I get 'em cheap from this geezer. Sayonara.
01:36Cheerio.
02:10There you go, Mum.
02:13Excuse the feet.
02:16That's the bestest grave in the cemetery, Rodney.
02:20Yeah, it's mustard, Del.
02:24The others all look like monuments to the unknown gypo.
02:29While the others fall into dust
02:32that will stand forever.
02:35And why? Because it's the only one made of fibre-glass.
02:40It's the only one that required planning permission.
02:44You're right.
02:51It's looking a bit tatty nowadays.
02:54I dunno, it's not too bad.
02:56It's bound to look a bit iffy.
03:00So would you if you'd been there for 17 years, with pigeons, fumes,
03:05and other mourners stubbing out their cigarettes on you. ..Maybe you could be right.
03:12Perhaps it could do with brightening up a bit.
03:16Yeah. If I added some fibre-glass models of say, an apostle
03:22and four cherubims with trumpets... do you think that would alter the effect?
03:29Models of Snow White and the dwarfs wouldn't alter the effect of that!
03:35Oi! Oi, oi! Don't start getting sacrificial.
03:42I don't know what's wrong with you!
03:45You seem to have no sense of occasion.
03:49You've no tres bien ensemble, as the French say.
03:55Look at you now, loafing about around your mother's graveside! Don't you feel emotion?
04:02Look, Del, I didn't know Mum that well.
04:06When she died I was a nipperooni, all odd socks and eczema.
04:12YOU feel a sense of personal loss. Me...I just feel cheated.
04:32Yeah, I'm...I'm sorry, Rodney.
04:35I should've realised.
04:42Mum was a wonderful woman.
04:46She had long, golden blonde hair...
04:49sometimes.
04:54You'd see her in the Nags Head in her simulated beaver skin with her rum and pep
05:01and 20 Senior Service.
05:05She looked like a lady.
05:07Lots of people mistook her for a money-lender.Really? Straight up.
05:14Of course I was a lot younger and didn't have much money,
05:19but every night she'd send across 2 or 3 pints of light and bitter or whisky if she was flush.
05:26That was Mum.
05:29Come about 10 o'clock she'd look over and shout, "Come on, Del Boy, off to bed.
05:36"School in the morning."
05:40That was the kind of woman she was.
05:42Concerned about our welfare.
05:48Where was I?Outside in the pram with an arrowroot.
05:52Wasn't she worried? No, it was only an old pram.
05:58What?
06:01It's all right, I'm pulling your leg.
06:05Of course she was worried.
06:12No, I like it here, don't you?
06:15It's nice and quiet.
06:18Away from the crowd and the noise and the traffic.
06:22It really is, nice and quiet.
06:25Yeah.
06:27And tranquil.
06:30Hmm.
06:32You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese take-away tomorrow.Yeah.
06:37The birds are singing, sun's shining.
06:40What did you just say?
06:43I said, the sun's shining and birds are singing.Before that.
06:48It's quiet and tranquil.No, Del.
06:51In between it being tranquil and the birds singing, you mentioned a Chinese take-away.
06:58Chinese...? Oh, the Chinese take-away!
07:02Oh, yeah. The owner is in dead schtuck.
07:05The health inspector is coming and he needs his kitchen painted.
07:11So why haveIgot to paint it? You're the one with GCE in art!
07:17It's a good earner, Rodney. I'm charging him 150 nicker.
07:21I don't care! Come on! I've given him your word.
07:26I am NOT painting the kitchen of some grotty Chinese take-away.
07:34All right. If that's the way you want it.
07:41Yeah. I remember what Mum said to me on her death bed.
07:48She called me over to her side and she said... "Del Boy.
07:54"Del Boy."Stuttered, did she?
07:58I'm sorry, Del. I don't know why I said it.
08:02Sorry.
08:04"Look after Rodney for me, Del Boy," she said.
08:09"Share everything you've got with him.
08:14"Try to make him feel...normal."
08:19That's what I've always done.
08:21Half of everything I've got.
08:24Fair enough, I ain't GOT nothing but half of it is yours!
08:30YOU give me half of everything? YOU'd nick the hole of me last polo if I didn't keep my mouth shut.
08:37That hurts! If I had ANY wealth at all I'd give you half.
08:43Yeah?
08:48Say you had two Rolls Royces?
08:51I'd give YOU one, wouldn't I?
08:54You'd give me one? Course! Weather like this I'd give you the one with the sunshine roof.
09:03If you had £2 million what would you do?Give you a million.Really?
09:08In cash.
09:14What about if you had two of them deep sea divers' watches?
09:19Now you KNOW I've got two of them deep sea divers' watches!
09:24Don't take bloody liberties with me, Rodney.Yeah. Yeah, that's the REAL Del coming out.All right.
09:32You can have one of me deep sea divers' watches, all right?
09:37No. No, I've got to draw the line somewhere.
09:41I'm fed up with your bribery and emotional blackmail every time you want ME to do the dirty work.
09:49It's a point of principle. Get this straight, I am NOT painting that kitchen tomorrow.
09:56I am NOT painting it in a thousand years. No way, my son.
10:01I'll give you a lend of my dirty books.
10:04Yeah, all right then.
10:19Oi, Rodney, put that on the meter, will ya?
10:24Come on.
10:27What's that look for?You can't expect me to paint with MY feet.
10:32I don't expect you to paint with your feet! I expect you to hold the ladders for young Rembrandt!
10:48Don't let him out!
10:51Ohhh, that's going to please Mr Chin, innit?
10:55Was it his pet?No. But number 39 is off the menu!
11:09Do you reckon the rumours about these places is true? No! Course not!
11:15That cat looked alarmed about something.
11:22Here we are.
11:25Nice little kitchen, innit? Nice little kitchen (?)
11:30This is the pits, Del! This is the bloody pits.
11:35The whole place looks like an explosion in a dripping factory.
11:40Look, this is a working kitchen, Rodney.
11:43You've got to expect a little bit of...eugh! ..fat
11:47to spill out the pans every now and then.
11:51What period are we doing it in? Early bubonic perhaps?
11:55Yes, if you like. Don't WORRY, you've had all your innoculations.
12:01Is this the kitchen then? No, this is the master bedroom (!)
12:06The kitchen is in the bathroom, wally (!)
12:10Now this should only take two days if you don't stop for lunch!
12:16Oi! Rodney, look at this.
12:19Now, here's your paint, there's your walls, that's your ceiling.
12:24I'll leave it up to you, Michelangelo.
12:27And what am I supposed to do with them soppy little tins?
12:32I can't even get my brush in them.
12:36Can't even get his brush in them!
12:39He can't even work that problem out. Oh, Gawd, tell him, Grandad.
12:44Get a pair of scissors and trim your brush up.
12:50No, you DON'T get a pair of scissors and trim your brush up!
12:56Look, what you do is, get your little tins, open 'em up and put them in your...big tin.
13:03Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'd thought of that already.
13:08Yeah (!)I'm not stupid. Not much (!) Right...Oi!What?
13:13They ain't got no labels. You don't know the colour.
13:17The owner bought them cheap! He got taken on.Where did they come from?
13:23Me.You?Hmm.
13:26I'm not doing it if it's nicked. Rodney!
13:30It is NOT nicked. No, it's bankrupt stock.
13:34I bought two gross as a job lot. Come on, trust me!
13:39Trust me, right?Morning.
13:42Good morning, Mr Chin. Here we are.
13:46My men are here. As you can see, the best in the business.
13:52They are the creme de la menthe of the decorating world.
13:57Good. You are the painter?
14:00No, HE's the painter, I'm his apprentice.
14:06It's all right. No, they are the best. THE best. Don't worry, Mr Chin. In fact, chin up!
14:13Chin. Chin up! Mr Chin.
14:20Well, have you decided what colour the walls will be?
14:26Colour? Oh, yes!
14:29We wouldn't leave an important decision like that to the last minute!
14:35(Get that lid off.I'm trying.) Well, Mr Chin, you see, the colour I thought of...
14:42Now, you may not agree with me but somehow I think that you will.
14:47What I thought... and you can shoot me down in flames in this one if you like.
14:53(Have you got the lid off yet?No.)
14:56I thought the colour these walls should be...Blue.What?
15:01I like blue.Blue. Ah!
15:05Blue! Jeux Sans Frontieres. That is exactly what I thought.
15:10Why don't we paint these walls a subtle shade of blue?What shade?
15:15Yellow.And then I changed me mind.
15:18I thought, not blue, we'll paint them gold.
15:23Yellow.GOLD, Rodney. Are you illiterate or something?
15:28I remembered the name of your restaurant. Gold for the Golden Locust.
15:34Well, Mr Trotter, I'll leave it to you.
15:38As long as my kitchen is painted and cleaned up before the health inspector calls. All right?Sorry.
15:45How do you know about the health inspector?
15:49I had a telephone call from a man. He did not give me his name...
15:58but he tells me, "Get your kitchen painted OR you'll be in big trouble, John."
16:07John?!
16:10John. Yeah, John, John. It's a cockney expression, John.
16:15Somebody up there must like him. I wonder who that caller was, Del.
16:21I don't think we'll ever find that out, eh?
16:25We must now say chow mein, eh?
16:28And let our men get on with the work.
16:31Is it likely this anonymous caller will advise other restaurants to get their kitchen painted?
16:39I had to do something, didn't I? Otherwise we'd have been lumbered with this paint!
16:46I'm taking these, so Rodney, you'll have to water those down a bit. You don't want it on too thick
16:53cos the plaster's none too kosher. Just remember, a little dab'll do ya. A little dab'll do ya.
17:00Is anyone cleaning up all this grease and filth?
17:05Course! Do you think I'm a cowboy? Ajax and a rubber glove are there.
17:12Go easy on the Ajax. See ya!
17:21He's not in!Perhaps he's gone out.
17:25Oh, I never thought of that (!) You daft old... Course he's gone out! The question is where?
17:32This is the second day Del's done a disappearing act
17:37and when I ask where he's gone he's evasive.
17:41I thought he told you to mind your own bloody business. Yeah ― evasive.
17:47I reckon that while we've been imprisoned in that Chinese take-away
17:53he's been out wheeling and dealing, making money and cutting us out.
17:58You're in!
18:01You can't pull the wool over this boy's eyes! Yes, I'm in! 7 out of 10 for observation.
18:08Did you finish that job?Yeah. Give us the money, then.
18:14Give us the masoola.Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
18:18150. Spot on. Well done.
18:21We phoned you to pick us up but you wasn't in.
18:26What you been up to, Del? Bits and pieces.
18:30Where you been?There and back.
18:33So, what you been doing? This and that.
18:37As long as I know.
18:39I knew you'd winkle it out of him in the end.
18:43Listen, Rodney, I've been doing something private. Just leave it at that.
18:50Now, I think the best thing we can do with this money is split it three ways. OK?
18:57Here you are, Grandad. 35 for you.Cheers, Del.
19:0240 for you, Rodney.40!? You're the craftsman. You get the most.
19:08But I thought...Hang about!
19:10You also get...
19:13your diver's watch.
19:17DOORBELL Grandad, see who that is.
19:20My legs are older than yours. So they've had more experience!
19:25Thank you!
19:28Do you like it, then?Yeah. Cheers.
19:31Oh, don't get it in the water.
19:34Don't? It's a deep sea diver's watch.
19:39I know, but it doesn't mean you've GOT to go deep sea diving with it.
19:44I've got desert boots, but I don't go to the Sahara!
19:48Tells you how deep you are.
19:51It's Trigger, Del. Hello.All right, Del Boy?
19:55Well, Trig?I've more of that paint.
19:59Yeah! I'll have some of that!
20:04Same price?Same.
20:06TAPPING Rodney! That watch ain't shock proof.
20:11I won't be getting any more for a while. We almost got caught.
20:19What d'you mean, almost got caught?
20:23By the railway police. Me and Monkey Harris get this paint from a shed at Clapham Junction.
20:30You SWORE it wasn't nicked! Bankrupt stock, you said.
20:35British Rail. Same thing, innit?
20:39Knocked off railway paint, eh?
20:42Mr Chin'll be pleased when he learns his kitchen is done out in Inter-City yellow.
20:49I call it Awayday Gold!
20:52I wondered where I'd seen that colour before.
20:56I couldn't think why I was whistling "This is the age of the train"!
21:01No, this ain't for painting trains. They use this for painting signs in tunnels.
21:08It doesn't matter what it's used for. It's illegal!
21:12Yeah, but it's good for the country, innit?
21:16How can nicking off British Rail be good for Britain (?)
21:21He amazes me, Trig. GCE Maths, yet he still acts like a total wally brain.
21:27It's good for the country because British Rail will have to hire more security guards
21:35thus lowering the unemployment figures.
21:39Plus, their insurance company will need more people to handle BR's claims
21:44so redundant insurance clerks will be snatched from the dole and handed back their dignity.
21:52These people may well celebrate their good fortune by buying a new car
21:58to take their family round Britain.
22:01This will result in a much-needed boost to our ailing car industry,
22:07higher revenue for North Sea Oil and vital cash to seaside resorts and depressed areas.
22:14OR, they may decide to take a holiday abroad,
22:19thus forcing foreign hoteliers and restaurateurs to buy more British beer, food and goods
22:26creating a high export drive resulting in a balance of payments surplus.
22:32Soon this country will be rich and famous again. The starving shall be fed, the homeless, homed.
22:39Right?
22:45This watch is broke.
22:50This watch is not...broke. You don't know how to work it properly.
22:55Tells you the time in the world's major capitals.Except London.
23:00All I can tell by this is that it's nearly chucking out time in Peking and I am low on oxygen.
23:10What do you want for nothing? Jam on it?
23:14Tunnels.What did you say? No, he...
23:17Trigger said they use that stuff to paint signs in tunnels.
23:22How can you see a sign in a tunnel? It's pitch black, innit?No.
23:28This is luminous paint.
23:30Luminous, Grandad. That means... Luminous?!
23:35Bloody luminous?I thought you knew.You didn't tell me! What do you think I am? Physic?!
23:43D'you still want this box of paint? NO. Stick it up yer...PHONE RINGS I'm not in, Grandad.
23:50Hello.
23:53Oh, hello, Mr Chin.
23:55No, no,
23:58Del's gone out.
24:00I'm not sure. Where you gone, Del?
24:08Give it, give it to me.
24:11You old git. Sit down before I knock you down.
24:16Hello, Mr Chin, how are you?
24:19Don't you "hello, Mr Chin" me!
24:23What have you DONE to my walls?
24:32Glowing, are they?
24:35Hmm-mm. Listen, tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using.
24:43It's designed to cut down on electricity bills. I get it from...
24:47Stockholm.Stockholm?! Yeah, cos the Norwegians lead the world in paint technology.
24:54..Yeah.
24:57Yes. So I understand, right.
25:00I'll be round to see you tomorrow.
25:03Does he want his money back?
25:06No, he wants you to go tomorrow and do out his living room in it.
25:12I'll have that box of paint... My GOD!
25:15Is something wrong, Del? What have I done?
25:21It's all your fault. Your fault, you and your stupid paint!
25:26Oi, what have you done?Now, listen, I did it in good faith.
25:32Did WHAT in good faith?
25:35I'll show you.
25:42Come on, you better get your coats.
25:55Del, what have you brought us here for?Wait a minute.
26:10Take a look at that.
26:17Oh, my good Gawd!
26:23Is this where you've been these days, painting Mum's monument?
26:28It was her favourite colour and we agreed it needed brightening up. It looks more like a rocket launch.
26:36I didn't know it was going to be luminous.
26:40Do you realise our mum's grave is now going to become a beacon for every Satanist in England?
26:48There'll be white witches dancing round it and chickens' blood everywhere!
26:54What worries me is it's on the flight path to Heathrow.
27:03I wish you could see yourselves.
27:06There's Mum fast asleep, the third coat's hardly dried, and already you're quivering.
27:13I don't regret I did it and I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks
27:20and their narrow-minded rules.
27:22I shall look at them and say, "I am responsible and proud of it!"
27:34We'll put it down to vandals. Let's go before we get our collars felt.
28:00# No income tax, no VAT
28:03# No money back, no guarantee
28:06# Black or white, rich or poor
28:09# We'll cut prices at a stro-oke!
28:14# God bless Hookey Street
28:17# Viva, Hookey Street
28:20# Long live Hookey Street
28:23# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
28:26# Magnifique, Hookey Street
28:30# Hookey Street
28:34# Hookey Street. #
28:36Subtitles by Hazel Nairn. BBC Scotland. 1990.