Only Fools and Horses S02E06 — It Never Rains

Every line from “It Never Rains” (289 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:01# Stick a pony in me pocket,
00:04# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van,
00:07# 'Cos if you want the best 'uns, but you don't ask questions,
00:13# Then, brother, I'm your man!
00:15# 'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,
00:19# It's like the changing seasons and the tides of the sea,
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:
00:30# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:35CRASH OF THUNDER
00:45Poxy weather!
00:48Yeah.
00:50Wish I was Chairman of Pac-a-Mac!
00:53Mm...
00:57Oh, by the way...Hm...? A Father's Day card arrived for you this morning.Really?
01:04Is it Father's Day? Pity we don't know where Dad is.
01:08We could send 'im a letter-bomb.
01:11'Ere...a Father's Day card ?! Hang about ― I'm not married! Oh, no. What could that mean?
01:18I know what it could mean. It means... Oh, no, no, she told me, she...
01:24You dozy little git!
01:29You nearly gave my 'eart a connery! I wanted to liven us up a bit.
01:34For four days we've been hanging around in pubs and caffs, waiting for this rain to leave off.
01:41"Just a summer shower, Rodney," you said. "Swallows flying backwards ― sure sign of a heatwave."
01:49Don't go on! Where d'you think I work? The Metaphorical Office?
01:54It'll soon be over. Don't worry.
01:57Who's that on there? You, is it? That's you.Want a drink?
02:01I'd better just have half a lager. The way business is going, I'd better join you.
02:10Hello, Alex.Hello, Del. Drink? Oh...
02:14..well, go on, then. I'll 'ave 'alf a lager.Half a lager.
02:19And I'll have a large Drambuie with lime, topped up with soda, lots of ice, lemon, cherry on top.
02:27Two halves of lager, love.
02:31Done much today?In this weather? Not fit for a dog.
02:35No, I'll send Rodney out later, see what he can do. Still got your travel agent's?
02:41Yeah. It's not doin' me no favours. Planned to clean up on the World Cup but couldn't get bookings.
02:48I've got thousands of pounds' worth of holidays, but everyone's skint. This recession (!)
02:54Cut your prices, then. I'd lose money.
02:59You'd have SOME comin' in. Better lose a threepenny bit than a fiver.True!
03:05There's still plenty of money about if you know where to get it.
03:10You want to hook the punters, get a bit of a gimmick.Such as? Eh? Well...
03:17You put it round the manor that the next customer in your shop gets the biggest cut-price holiday.
03:25No, listen! I mean, really cheap. Anywhere in the world, knock off 80 per cent.80 per cent!
03:32No, 80 per cent, and listen! Only to the very next customer, right?
03:38So they'll fight to get in, and once they're in there, you sell 'olidays at normal price.
03:45Eh?I see.In a year you'll be a millionaire.
03:50Not a bad idea, Del. It's a belting idea! I'll do it! Thanks!
03:56Don't mention it, pal. See you around, right?Right.
04:02Fancy a 'oliday?
04:05We can't afford an 'oliday. Yes ― Alex's special offer, 80 per cent off.
04:12He'll go bust.Yeah, that's what I told 'im, but he wouldn't listen.
04:17What about it, Rodney? Me an' you?
04:21Up into the wide blue yonder, currant bun on our backs? I'd like that.Good boy!
04:27You go and knock out a bit of that gear, and I'll do the biz with Alex, right?Right!
04:33ALMIGHTY CRASH OF THUNDER
04:39Wait a minute! It's peeing down out there!Well, you want some spending money for your duty-frees?
04:47Well, yeah... I'll never be able to sell this stuff!'Course you will, my son! Remember me motto?
04:55"He who dares, wins."
04:58Yeah, right. See you later. See you later. Good boy! 'Ere, Alex, about that offer...
05:04Genuine Italian sun hats, made in Roma!
05:13I could die, you know. More than likely.
05:17Fancy sending me out in weather like that!Been rainin', has it?
05:23Rainin' ?! Why don't you stick your nose out of that door? Been rainin' for four days.
05:30DOOR BANGS
05:31I've done it, Rodney, I've done it! I've booked our 'oliday.
05:37Here, it's all in there. We're goin' somewhere away from tourists.Yeah? Where?
05:44Benidorm.
05:46It'll be fantastic! We'll 'ave a great time! All that blue sea, sunshine...
05:52dancing with all them foreign sorts!#Viva l'Espana!# That's what it's all about.
06:00When do we go, Del ?Eh? Three weeks, Grandad. Goodbye, Luton, hello, Benid...
06:14Um...yeah, well, the thing is, Grandad...I've always wanted to go to Benidorm. Where is it?
06:23It's in Spain, innit? Spain? I've been to Spain before.
06:28Oh.Oh, well, you wouldn't want to go again. Same old thing. Ain't been to Benidorm. Nice break!
06:36Yeah, yeah... Thing is, Grandad... I tell you what...er...
06:41Why not knock us up a nice Spanish omelette, eh? Get us in the mood. Right, Del Boy.
06:50Oh! I've only got three eggs, and one's on the turn. I'll put a lot of pepper in.
06:58Great! T'riffic (!)
07:02You gonna tell 'im? Rodney, how can I tell 'im? He's got his heart set on it.
07:08We can't take 'im with us, Del. He'll cramp our style.
07:13You could bring a bird back to the room, go to pour a Sangria, and find his false teeth in a glass!
07:20It would upset the romantic ambience! What we gonna tell 'im? Say the food won't agree with him.
07:28Nah, that won't work. He's got a stomach like a rubbish skip.
07:33Er...the change of climate. Last time, the climate upset him,
07:39and we'd only gone to Bognor. Good one!
07:46No, I can't. It's gonna break his heart.Right, Del, if you can't tell 'im, I will.Oi!
07:55Do it gently. I mean, he's family.
08:00Yeah, just leave it to me, Del.
08:03Good boy, Rodney.
08:05Er, Grandad, could I have a word?
08:14Oh...Alex? Hello, it's Del Boy. Look, about that 'oliday...
08:19Listen, d'you reckon the 'otel could put another bed in our room? Grandad's coming.
08:25Oh, nice one, Alex! Right! Yeah.
08:29I'll pop that kite round to you in the morning. See you around, pal.
08:47Well ?
08:49Look, couldn't the 'otel put another bed in our room?
08:54I couldn't break his heart. Like "Man at the Top", ruthless!
08:59I can be when I want to be. Oh, yeah (!)I've just told Grandad I don't like Spanish omelettes.
09:06That's REALLY ruthless, that is!
09:10I also told 'im that you love 'em, so YOU've got two!
09:19Careful, Del, there's a bowl down there.
09:30# In the summertime, when the weather is high,
09:34# You can stretch right up and touch the sky,
09:37# When the weather's fine, you got women, you got women on your mind!
09:43# We're always happy, life's for living, that's our philosophy.
09:48# Sing along with us, dee-de-dee, de-dee, da-da-da, da-da, Yeah, we're hap-hap-py!
09:55# Daa, daa, daa, dee-da-daa,
09:57# Da-daa...
10:14# When the winter's here, Yeah, it's party time, It'll soon be summertime,
10:21# And we'll sing again, Maybe we'll settle down.
10:26# She's rich and she's nice, Bring your friends and we'll all go into town. #
10:38Now then, what d'you...Oh, God!
10:48Hang about!Oi, girls! It's all right, he's asleep.
11:01Oi, watch it!
11:04There you go, Del.Cheers!
11:09This is the life, eh, Rodders?
11:12When we become millionaires, we'll move out, get a villa,
11:17get Grandad one of those old folks' homes they have here. What old folks' homes?
11:24In the 'oliday brochure ― what d'you call 'em? ― "pensions".
11:31Grandad!
11:33I got your lager!
11:36Grandad!
11:40Oi!
11:46"POSH" ACCENT: Yoo-hoo, Grandad! Rodney has a lager for you!
11:54You want to act yer age a bit more! That could've blinded me.
12:00Come 'ere! I don't want nuffink to drink.
12:04I'm goin' back to the 'otel and 'ave a fiesta.
12:12D'you reckon he's all right? He's acting all edgy and nervous.
12:17Maybe it's that squid he ate.
12:20Grub in the 'otel ain't up to much, is it?You can say that again! What about that soup last night?
12:27Called it oxtail. More like FOXTAIL, wasn't it?
12:33You don't reckon he's sickening for anything?No, it's probably the heat. He's not so young.
12:41'Ere, Roddy, put some oil on my back, will you?Yeah.
12:48Aaargh!Oh, sorry!
12:50You...! Sorry, I thought it was oil.
12:59Childish, that! Probably marked. You don't 'alf go on! I've said I'm sorry.
13:06I'll get you a fresh shirt. Why don't you do that small thing?
13:17Oh! Pardon, mademoiselle. Ce n'est rien.
13:32Bonsoir.
13:35Bonjour, monsieur. Vous restez a l'hotel ?
13:39Defense de fumer. Avec vous Dubonnet?Oui, merci.
13:47Oi, garcon! Dos Dubonnets, por favor, danke schon.
13:54De quelle partie de la France etes-vous?Oh, oui, je t'aime, je t'adore...
14:03..sur le pont d'Avignon. Pardon, monsieur.Yeah, OK...
14:12Hey, Jackie!
14:14Hi! Join me for a drink. I'm stuck with that French fellow.
14:23Don't worry about him. Pull up a pew.
14:27He won't bother you with me around.
14:38Jeux sans frontieres.
14:45Thank you, waiter.
14:49Hope he doesn't kick sand in my face!
15:03HISS-S-S-S-S...
15:10Del ! Del !Sshh! What's up? I was just about to pull a French sort.
15:16Come with me!What?It's Grandad.
15:19Grandad? He's ill, in't 'e? I told you!He's not ill. What's up, then?
15:25He's been arrested!Arrested ?! Well, come on!
15:33CLANGING OF BOLTS AND LOCKS
15:50Visitors.
15:55Oh, it's you two.
15:59Good afternoon, Grandad. How are you? Settled in all right?
16:07Quo vadis, senor?
16:11Huh?You know, quo vadis?
16:17Took your time getting here, didn't ya?Don't get stroppy with me, you ungrateful git!
16:24I've been like a tit in a trance, looking for you!
16:28The police couldn't remember what they'd done with you.
16:33I've been chasing up a consul.
16:37Charming (!) While I'm banged up in 'ere, Rodney's hiring a car!
16:44Not that sort of consul, daft git! The British Consul.Why didn't you bring him here?Why didn't you...
16:52Keep yer voices down! You'll get him chucked out of here!
17:00Just keep calm, everybody, please!
17:03Just nice and calm... and easy, right?
17:07WHAT HAPPENED ?
17:10Nothing! I was crossing the road to the 'otel when this police car nearly ran me over.
17:17Next thing I knew, I was banged up in 'ere, not charged with nothing.
17:22You must 'ave done something, Grandad. You went to the 'otel for a kip, now you're doing porridge.
17:29Think, Grandad! Did you get drunk and disorderly, get in a punch-up with the Kuwaiti Supporters' Club?
17:38Did you goose the maid?No!
17:41Well, there was a little incident, Del. But it didn't happen today.
17:47Now we're getting somewhere. Come on, when did it happen?1936.
17:55For a moment, I thought he said 1936.Funny, so did I.
18:01In 1936, I was deported from Spain and all her territories and dominions.
18:10Would you...er... would you consider it nosey of me if I asked you the reason why?
18:17D'you really wanna know? We're just curious, that's all. We just wondered (!)
18:24Well...I were up to no good, weren't I ?Well, you didn't get deported for missionary work!
18:32So what happened in 1936 ? The Spanish Civil War happened.
18:37The Spanish Civil...? This gets worse, Rodney.Oh, look... it's a long, long story.
18:44According to the guard, you've time to tell it!
18:49Well, in 1936 the family lived in Peabody Buildings, Peckham Rye.
18:55It was a terribly hard time. We 'ad no money, no food, no future.
19:02There was millions of unemployed on the dole.Excuse me...just... just a minute!
19:09I may be being a wally or something,
19:13but can you explain to me what a dole queue in Peckham has to do with the Spanish Civil War?
19:20I'm building up to it, Del. Talking to him is like a slow death, innit?
19:26One day, me and my mate, Nobby Clarke, decided we'd 'ad just about enough of it,
19:33so we run off to join the Foreign Legion.The Foreign Legion? You mean the British Legion?
19:41The French Foreign Legion. Camels and forts, YOU know! So we 'itch-'iked to Southampton.
19:49That's where their HQ was?No! That's where we tried to get on board a boat.
19:56Eventually we stowed away on a tramp steamer. We hid under the tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
20:04Oh-h...the voyage was terrible!
20:08There was storms and gales. Us Trotters 'ave never made good sailors.
20:14Nobby was all right on the water, from when he was a caretaker at a Seamen's Mission in Grimsby.
20:23Oi-oi! I don't want to worry ya, but our plane leaves in 3 days. What happened in Spain?
20:30I'm coming to it. Where was I ? You and the Fisherman's Friend were under a tarpaulin in the lifeboat!
20:38Oh, yeah! Well, when the ship finally docked, guess where we was?
20:44Spain!Spain!No-o-o...
20:48Tangiers.Grandad, is it worth while making plans for my future?
20:54What's this to do with the Foreign Legion ?!Tangiers was their base.
21:00A normal person joining the French Foreign Legion would've gone to France. Not 'im!
21:06Well, we jumped ship and made our way to their barracks. When we got there we couldn't believe our eyes.
21:14The biggest band of cut-throats, villains and murderers you could 'ope to see. Scum of the earth!
21:23So you didn't join?We tried, but they wouldn't 'ave us.
21:28Me an' Nobby was in dead lumber. No money, nowhere to sleep, a thousand miles from 'ome.
21:36Then we 'ad a bit of luck, more a quirk of fate, really.
21:42We bumped into an Arab and he offered us a job.
21:46He said he'd pay us to take his motor launch over to Spain and deliver a...cargo.
21:53What sort of cargo?Guns.
21:58Guns ?!You were gun-running in the middle of the Civil War ?!
22:04That's the best time to do it, Rodney. Supply and demand.
22:11You dirty little mercenary!
22:14We didn't do it purely for financial gain. We both felt committed to a political cause.
22:22Which side were you selling to? Whichever side had most money.
22:28Bloody 'ell !It's all right. Conscience is nice, but business is business, right?
22:35It was after the seventh trip when it 'appened. There was government troops waitin' for us.
22:44They arrested us and took us to this little prison outside a town called Tarifa.
22:51They took Nobby away and... tortured him.
22:55You could hear his screams echoing through the night. Woke you up, did it?
23:02The last thing on my mind was sleep. But no matter what they done to him, Nobby wouldn't say a word.
23:10He didn't have his Callard & Bowser to suck!
23:15Then it were my turn.
23:19They...they tortured you?
23:22No. But they would 'ave done if I 'adn't told them everything I knew!
23:32Couple of days later, this geezer arrives with our deportation orders, and that's about it.
23:41Are you sure that's about it? You 'aven't forgotten any details?
23:47You didn't pop over to Hong Kong and become an opium peddler,
23:52or get a job as a white-slave trader?No! I went back to Peckham, put my name on the 'ousing list.
24:01Grandad, why the hell didn't you tell us this before we left 'ome?
24:06I was gonna tell ya, but I thought it might spoil the 'oliday. Spoil the...! What has THIS done ?!
24:14Should've gone to a caravan in Buenos Aires!It all 'appened a long time ago.
24:21I thought the authorities would've forgot it by now.Forgot it?
24:27You're probably on their terrorist list, between Carlos the Jackal and the Black November!
24:35September.What?It's September. Black September. You said November.
24:42Gordon Bennett, Rodney! We 'aven't got time to sit about discussing signs of the bleedin' zodiac!
24:49We've got to get the Red Shadow out of 'ere!
24:53They'll just deport him again. You're joking! They've just held the World Cup here.
24:59They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first!
25:04By the time we get HIM back, he'll be eating paella and calling us gringos!
25:11There's always a way!
25:14Hello, visiting time's over. Oi! You two keep schtum, let me do all the talking, right?
25:23Sshh! Ah...Juan! Just the Juan I wanted to see!
25:31Yeah... I just wanted to say...
25:34My grandfather was telling us about the charming reception he received in your bijou nick.
25:42What ees thees you say to me, eh? You take the pees, yes?
25:48No! Au contraire, au contraire, Juan!
25:53No, I wanted to say...
25:56What the 'ell are you doing ?! Keep schtum! Pardonnez, monsoor... El Wally, yeah?
26:05I've been racking my brains to find how I could repay you... for all the good work you've done.
26:13I thought perhaps you might give this to the charity of your choice.
26:20Charity of my choice?Yeah.
26:26Gracias, senor.De nada.Gracias!
26:32Listen, Juan...now...
26:36Now we're close friends, can you get my grandad out of this karzi?
26:41Si, senor.
26:47You can go.Just like that ?!
26:52Si. You are free to go. Er...shouldn't you clear it with the guv'nor first?
27:00No need, senor.
27:03I have his release papers here.
27:10You mean, you were gonna let 'im go anyway?
27:15Si, senor!
27:18Nice one, Juan! Yes, yes! Couple more years, you'll be in charge of your own borstal.
27:26'Ow comes you're letting me go so soon?A little offence... How you say? Traffic violation.
27:35He crossa da road, causa da car to crash. We might not charge. Bad for Anglo-Spanish relations.
27:43Don't think you'll get Gibraltar back just because of this!
27:51It appears that you walked across the road, Grandad. You were done for jaywalking, stupid old berk!
27:59I didn't know, Del Boy. When they skidded to a halt, I thought they'd captured me.Gracias once again!
28:08The charity of my choice will be very pleased.I bet she will, Juan, I bet she will !
28:16Well, we'd better stop off and get something for Grandad's cuts and bruises.
28:22I ain't got no cuts and bruises.
28:26It's early yet!
28:35# We got some half-price deep pile, Miles and miles of carpet tile,
28:39# TV, deep-freeze, David Bowie LPs,
28:42# Voodoo gold chains, What's-its-names and leather boots
28:46# Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush,
28:50# No income tax, no VAT,
28:54# No money back, no guarantee,
28:57# Black or white, rich or poor,
29:00# We'll cut prices at a stro-oke!
29:04# God bless Hookey Street,
29:07# Viva Hookey Street,
29:11# Long live Hookey Street,
29:14# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street,
29:17# Magnifique, Hookey Street,
29:20# Hookey Street... #
29:23Subtitles by Elizabeth Ogilvie BBC Scotland 1990