Only Fools and Horses S02E07 — A Touch of Glass

Every line from “A Touch of Glass” (272 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:05# Fetch my suitcase from the van
00:08# 'Cos if you want the best 'uns and don't ask questions Then, brother, I'm your man.
00:16# 'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea.
00:26# But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:41Can you manage, Grandad?Yeah.
00:46That's not bad, you know. I reckon we done well there.
00:54Waste of money if you ask me. Come all this way an' all.
01:00What d'ya mean, waste of money? Not only are they an exquisite ornament,
01:07fit to adorn any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box.
01:14Cats that play "How Much is that Doggy in the Window?"
01:19For £1.25, you want Okla-bleedin'-homa?
01:24Don't you think it's a bit sick, a cat playin' a song about a dog?
01:32No, it means they're unique.
01:35It means there was a balls-up at the factory.
01:40They put the wrong chimes in. I'll put the wrong chimes in YOU ! Come on. Get it in the van.
01:47Get this gear in 'ere.
01:50I bet there's some trader somewhere
01:53lumbered with a gross of revolving dogs that play "The Siamese Cat Song".
02:01Don't be funny! Come on, Grandad. Alright, alright.
02:07Go on. The door'll hold him in.
02:14Don't worry. We're gonna earn out of this.
02:19Listen... It's not rubbish, you know. This is...
02:24North Korea's finest porcelain.
02:28They have a different attitude towards animals. We love dogs...
02:34They love to eat 'em.
02:38Come on, Rodders, get your finger out.
02:50Do they really eat them?Yeah.
02:53Would I lie to you?
02:56If a North Korean lived here, he'd think Battersea Dogs Home was a take-away.
03:03There's nothing they like more than a nice plate of poodle kebabs.
03:10Leave it out, will yer?
03:13Or a bull terrier pie. Alright, Del Boy, that's enough!
03:18Some sweet 'n sour greyhound.
03:23You keep on and I'm gonna be sick on your sheepskin. I mean it!
03:35Put your foot down, Rodney. I'm starving.
03:40I could just go a nice Jack Russell and chips. For the last time, shut up!
03:49Shall we give her a hand? Give over. I want to catch the pub.
03:54We can't leave her stuck out here. You're a right little angel ! Go on, then.
04:08Good afternoon, Madam, can I be of any assistance? Do you know anything about cars?
04:16I used to drive for the John Player Special team. On the Grand Prix circuit?
04:23No, delivering fags round Lewisham.
04:26He's a card, ain't he?
04:30I want to get to Ridgemere Hall - the large estate up the road there.
04:36That's that big mansion what we passed, Del. You in service there?
04:43Certainly not! I'm Lady Ridgemere.
04:46Lady Ridgemere! Rodney, get the tow-rope.
04:54Come with me, My Lady. We'll get you home in no time.
04:59Allow me. Did you go to the wedding?
05:04The wedding? Oh, THE wedding. Yes, we did.
05:09It was a lovely do. We watched it on our telly - in colour.
05:15Shame we didn't know you then. We had a lovely line in toasters. They'd have made a blinding present.
05:23Mind the hole.Oh.
05:52Okay, Rodney, undo the tow-rope and give Grandad his scarf back.
05:59Is everything all right, M'Lady? No, Wallace, everything is NOT all right.
06:06The car broke down, and I was stranded.How dreadful !
06:12And who are these...people?
06:17Oh, they towed me home, that's all.
06:21Be a good chap, Wallace, and push the car round to the garage.
06:26Oi, you shouldn't be pushing a car like that at your age.
06:32Keep your knees bent and your back straight.
06:43Did you hear that? "And who are these people?" Ponce!
06:50Come on, Del, let's go. Here y'are, Grandad.Go?
06:55You think I'm leavin' without so much as a cucumber sandwich an' a cup of Earl Grey?
07:03Unison Oppotunaire, Rodney. There's gotta be an earner in it. Del, they're probably boracic.
07:10Where'd they get THEM from then?
07:14Alright, but they don't wanna know us.They think we're peasants.
07:20Peasants? They may think that you two are peasants. Come to that,Ithink you are.
07:31But me, I'm one of them that is accepted anywhere -
07:36drinking lager with the market boys or a Pimms at the Hendon regatta...
07:41RAP ON WINDOW Eyes down for a full house, it's His Lordship.
07:47I say, I'm sorry, we're not open to the public for another 3 weeks.
07:52No, no, Your Grace, you're under a misapprehension.
07:57We're friends of your wife's.
08:01I see. Well... I suppose you'd better come in.
08:05Thanks very much, Your Grace.
08:11And, oi, these are very refined people. They do not wish to hear your joke about the queer magician.
08:18And don't you go droppin' none in there.
08:27Yes, very nice. They don't make pictures like that any more, do they?
08:34I'm a great fan of the Byzantine period meself. You can't whack 'em.
08:41'Van Cough' happens to be my favourite artist an' all.
08:48It's a Canaletto! Pardon, Rodney?
08:52It's a Canaletto.
08:57I know. I know it's a Canaletto.
09:00I was just saying 'Van Cough' happens to be one of my favourite artists.
09:07Why d'you reckon he chopped his ear off, eh?Doctor's orders.Oh.
09:12Your brandy, sir. Oh, thanks very much. We've run out of cream soda.
09:18Don't worry about it, Wallace. I shan't, sir.
09:23Gives good measures. You'd better watch him.
09:28Ah! There he is. Look at that. Lovely.
09:31So you went to Cambridge, My Lord.
09:35I'm an Oxford man meself. You were at Oxford?
09:40No, but he always supports them in the boat race.Thank you, Grandad.
09:46You must be in a hurry to get home, Mr Trotter.No, no. We got all the time in the world.
09:57I love this place. Beautiful, innit?
10:01I saw it in the 'Horse and Hound'. You hunt, Mr Trotter?
10:07Oh, yes. I hunt, punt and ski when the snow's firm enough.
10:12How old is it? Is what? The 'ouse.
10:16It was originally built in 1642.
10:20Oh. Still, you've done it out nice.
10:25Is it haunted? You after a part-time job?
10:30No, the one thing we lack is a resident ghost. Never mind, you've got Wallace.
10:37There's a telephone call for you, M'Lord. It's the chandelier people.
10:42About time too. Excuse me.
10:45(Get rid of them.)
10:49I see you like a bit of porcelain, M'Lady.
10:53This is very nice, this.
10:57I like this. Now, don't tell me... 'Capo Del Monte'.
11:02It's mostly Dresden, and that piece is worth several hundred pounds.Really?
11:10Feel the weight of that then, Rodney. 'Course, that's where the money is. Oh, Mon Dieu!
11:17If you like a nice piece of porcelain, I've got the very thing for you in the van.
11:25Don't trouble yourself, Mr Trotter. It's no trouble, My Lady.
11:30I picked it up in a little antique shop in Yeovil. I'll pop out and fetch one.
11:39Keep sprawnsing, right. Excuse me, My Lady.
11:48Where do you live? That's assuming you're not squatting here.
11:55No, em...we live in London.
11:58One of the better parts. Yeah, Peckham.
12:04It's...Peckham Village, actually. It's a little St John's Wood south of the water.
12:12It's very nice. We got a flat in a tower block. It's an apartment complex.
12:19A tall complex. It's very sophisticated. It's got lifts - everything.
12:27It must be quite valuable with the price of property nowadays. Oh, no, we rent it.We lease it.
12:36He forgets, bless him. He's got a bit of shrapnel just... It's a lease, Grandad, remember?
12:44Oh, yeah, we lease it.
12:47The council said we could buy it for eight thousand though.
12:52God!
12:54All I know is your people came down here and examined the chandeliers.
13:01That was three weeks ago and I am still waiting for your estimate.
13:07Well, find it. ..Yes, I'll hold on.
13:13Bisque porcelain.What?
13:16Demi-glazed. It revolves and plays "How Much is that Doggy in the Window?" All for a fiver.
13:23Oh.Don't be long. I'll pour you a drink, alright? Trotter!
13:30"How Much is that Doggy in the Window?" Depends how much you want to spend.
13:37No, it's a tune, innit? #How much is that doggy in the window...?# Yes, yes.
13:44The thing is a cat.
13:49Oh, well, you're right, an' all. It's times like this I wish I went to Cambridge.
13:57I'll pour you a drink.
14:00You've found it, good. Twelve hundred pounds ?! Are you sure?
14:07Two Louis XIV chandeliers, that's right.
14:11But all you've got to do is clean them, and do a few minor repairs.
14:18Yes, I know it's 17th Century French crystal.
14:23Yes, I know it's a job for an expert. I'm sure if I shopped around...
14:30I know it is a dying trade, but there must be someone, somewhere!
14:39Sorry we can't stay any longer, Your Lordship. That's perfectly all right, Trotter.
14:46Oh, toujours la politesse! It's beautiful, innit?
14:51I bet you've held a few balls in here, My Lady.What? Oh, yes, we have.
14:59Perhaps you'd like to come to one of our social gatherings?
15:05Yeah, just bring a bottle.
15:07Thank you for the cat, Mr Trotter. It goes so well with my collection.
15:13'Specially with the Dresden.
15:16As neither my husband nor I carry cash... You can pay me next time.
15:23Yes, of course. ..What do you mean, "next time"? Whatever for?
15:28To pick up that fiver she owes him.
15:31A la mode, a la mode! Please accept it as a token of my esteem.Thank you.
15:39Yes, well, it's getting rather late. We'd best say goodbye.
15:44Yes, well, thank you very much for your hospitality. Oh...
15:50Look at that! That's beautiful, innit, eh?Yes. Goodbye.
15:55French crystal? Yes, it is, actually.
16:00You can always tell by the old cut of the...droplets. 17th Century that, Grandad.Yeah.
16:08I'd say it were one of the Louise's, innit, Rodney?
16:13Oh, a dead ringer, Del. Now, is it Louis XIII, or Louis XIV?
16:20Now don't tell me, Your Lordship.
16:23That is Louis XIV. Am I right? Spot on, Trotter.
16:28How do you come to know so much about chandeliers?Oh, uh...
16:33How come we know so much about chandeliers?
16:41Oh, sorry about that amusement there, Your Lordship.
16:46But that's like asking Mr Kipling if he knows about cakes. This is our business.
16:54Really?Oh, yeah.
16:57It's been the family trade for generations.
17:03Knowledge has been passed down from father to son, hasn't it?
17:08Hasn't it, Rodney?Yeah. Yeah. Right the way back to... the plague.
17:19Our forefathers used to make 'em.
17:22There are still four Trotters hanging in Buckingham Palace. Amazing.
17:30Straight up. But with the advent of fluorescent lighting, there's not much call for it now.
17:38We specialise in renovation work.
17:41You mean, you could take that down and clean and repair it? Could do that blindfold.
17:48Anyway, we mustn't keep you any later. So bonne bouche. No hurry, Trotter.
17:55I've got a bottle of rather special port in the study. What say we have a little chat?
18:07Don't be a plonker, Rodney! I've done the deal !
18:12Three hundred and fifty quid! And you think he'll pay us?
18:17He ain't one o' your fly-by-night merchants. He's a lord of the realm.
18:23He's got blue blood and...mottoes.
18:27He didn't pay us for that cat. Oh, shut up!
18:30Del, you need specialised equipment for a job like this.
18:36What're we gonna use? Superglue and a bottle of Windolene?
18:42I'll get the right equipment. Look, once we've done this job our name will spread.
18:50All those dukes and earls will be cryin' out for us.
18:55We'll be the toast of the county set.
18:59The hounds baying with excitement, our steeds eager for the chase... Whoa, boy! Whoa!
19:07Tally-ho, Sir Herbert. Did you ken John Peel?
19:12Come on, boy.Look at him! Three hours in a stately home,
19:17an' he thinks he's the Earl of Sandwich!
19:21Can't wait to get done up like a ploughman's lunch.
19:26That's right, Rodney. I deserve a bit of the good life.
19:31I've worked hard enough. I mean, I've always been a trier, and what's it got me!
19:40We live half a mile up in the sky in this Lego set,
19:45run a three-wheel van with a bald tire,
19:50and drink in wine bars where the only vintage is the guv'nor's wife!
19:56I'm gonna grab this opportunity with both hands. He who dares wins! Next year we'll be millionaires.
20:03D'you honestly believe that, Del? You REALLY think we can do it?
20:09'Course we can, Rodney. The door will be open to a new world.
20:15Like 'Alex Through the Looking Glass'. You will dine in the finest restaurants.
20:23Your shoes will be made by Gucci. Your jewellery will come from Aspreys,
20:30your clothes will be made by 'Man at C & A'.
20:36What d'you reckon, Rodney, eh? What d'you reckon?
20:42'Man at C & A'?
20:45Alright, I'll give it a whirl.
20:48Good boy.But we do a proper job. No bodging!Of course not.
20:54What d'you take me for, eh?Oi!
20:57I've saved the best bit for you.
21:01I'll see you in the morning then.
21:04Yeah, see you in the morning. Goodnight.
21:14"No bodging". He lacks faith in you, Del Boy.
21:21That's always been his trouble. Oi!
21:25Do me a favour, Grandad. See if we've got any Windolene and superglue left, will yer?
21:49Right, Grandad, you pop upstairs and get the floorboards up.
21:54You know what you're doing, don't ya?Leave it to me, Del. He's a craftsman.
22:02Oi, Grandad! D'you want a jemmy? No, I had one before we left, Del.
22:11Why does he have to remove the floorboards? Listen, my good man...
22:19How do you think that great big chandelier stays up on that ceiling?
22:26It is not with double-sided sticky tape.
22:30There is a threaded bolt through that chandelier,
22:35and it's held in position by a locking nut. So...
22:39we have to lift up the floorboards. Ordre du jour!If you need me, I shall be round at the garage.
22:47Right. 'Ere, while you're there... give the van a wash, will yer?
22:53Right, then. Come on.
22:55Oi! Watch that.
22:58His Lordship's nowhere to be seen, and now the butler's havin' a moody.
23:06You reckon we're gonna get paid? His Lordship is on holiday. He'll pay us when he gets back.
23:13We might be in for a bonus. Yes, perhaps a nice stick of rock!
23:19Stop moaning, will yer? Grandad!
23:23How're you doin'?Alright, Del Boy.
23:31I've found it, Del ! I told you we could trust him.
23:36Come on, get this up. I'v started to undo it.Aaagh!
23:41We ain't up the ladders yet! Don't touch nothin' till we tell you!
23:48We'd better get up there.
23:51Alright, Rodney? Is there anything you want? I wanna go home.
23:57This ladder's none too safe. Look, this is my big chance. Don't let me down, Rodney.
24:05Alright?
24:07Right, Grandad, we're ready! You can start undoing it now!
24:13It's coming, Del Boy.
24:25One more turn, Del !
24:27Right. Now, brace yourself, Rodney. Brace yourself.
24:48Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.
24:56How can you tell?
25:32Alright, Del Boy?
25:36Alright? What d'you mean, alright? Look at it!
25:42Did you drop it then?Drop it? How could we drop it? We wasn't even holding it!
25:49We was working on THAT one!
25:52You should've said. I was workin' on this one.
25:58Is it very valuable, Del?
26:01No, not really!
26:04It was bleedin' priceless up there!
26:09What's His Lordship gonna say when he finds out?
26:14My invitation to the Hunt Ball has gone for a Burton.
26:21It's broken. What the hell do YOU know about chandeliers, anyway?
26:27I think he's tumbled, Del.
26:30I'm going to phone His Lordship.
26:33Tell him to phone us at home. Has he got our address and phone number?No.
26:40Good! Right, out of here!
27:20# No income tax, no VAT
27:23# No money back, no guarantee
27:26# Black or white, rich or poor
27:29# We'll cut prices at a stro-o-ke
27:33# God bless Hookey Street
27:36# Viva, Hookey Street
27:39# Long live Hooky Street
27:42# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
27:46# Magnifique, Hookey Street
27:49# Hookey Street! #
27:51Subtitles by Wilma Campbell BBC Scotland 1990