Only Fools and Horses S03E01 — Homesick

Every line from “Homesick” (745 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00(cheerful music)
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one who's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la
00:34♫ La la-la la
00:36♫ La la la
00:38♫ La la-la la
00:42- Yeah, well, you try and have nice kip, eh?
00:46His legs are still playing him up.
00:48- Well, I told him not to run in the London Marathon.
00:51- Anyway, he's not coming to the tenants meeting with us.
00:54You're still coming, ain't ya?
00:55- No way, bruv, I'm going out with that little waitress
00:57that I blagged at the Pizza Palace.
00:59- Eh?
01:00How did you manage to pull her?
01:01- Well, I read somewhere that women
01:02are turned on by men in situations of power,
01:05so I told her I was a Euro minister.
01:08- And she believed ya?
01:09- Oh yeah.
01:10- She must be thicker than them pizzas she dishes out.
01:14- Oi, don't get sardonic.
01:15Here, what's all this about anyway?
01:17- I'm writing out a list of questions
01:18I wanna ask at the meeting.
01:20- Oh yeah?
01:20Like why the lifts are still out of action in our block?
01:23- No, more important things than that, Del.
01:26I mean, in the last year or so, right,
01:27we've had a crime explosion on this estate, yeah?
01:30And yet the police, they don't come near or by
01:33and I wanna know the reason.
01:34- Well, they can't get on the estate, can they?
01:35The natives won't let them.
01:37- Come on, that is rubbish.
01:39- No, no, it ain't.
01:41Look, last month a copper came 'round just to return
01:43a lost dog and we had three nights of rioting.
01:46- Look, I don't care what their excuses are,
01:48I'm gonna demand more police patrols on this estate.
01:52- Not too many, Rodney.
01:53(audience laughing)
01:55- Come here, I'm writing out this catalogue of crime.
01:58See what the chairman's gotta say about that.
02:00- Catalogue, let's see.
02:01Some catalogue, innit?
02:02Look, May the 6th, grandad's shopping trolley
02:05stolen from pram sheds.
02:07- Yeah, well that's the only one I can think of.
02:10- Gordon Bennett.
02:11There are 2,000 stories in the Naked City,
02:14and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels.
02:17(audience laughing)
02:17- Look, I have heard of other crimes,
02:20but I don't know the times and the dates and what-have-ya.
02:22I've gotta provide details, not rumors.
02:25- Well, why don't you tell them what happened
02:26to poor Rita Alldridge, then?
02:28- Yes, good idea.
02:30Rita...
02:32What happened to Rita Alldridge, then?
02:35- Last Friday night, she was indecently assaulted
02:37over by the adventure playground.
02:39- No.
02:40- Yeah.
02:41- Did she report it.
02:41- Yep, I saw her this morning,
02:43she had just been down to the police station.
02:44- Right, there you are, you see?
02:45That's exactly the sort of thing...
02:49Hold on a minute, if this happened
02:50on Friday night, how come it's taken her
02:51till Wednesday to report it?
02:54- Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted
02:57until this morning when the bloke's check bounced.
03:00(audience laughing)
03:09(coughing)
03:18(audience laughing)
03:21(wheezing)
03:29(clearing throat)
03:37(audience laughing)
03:46-[Trigger] How you going, Dave?
03:48-[Rodney] Oh, all right, Trigger.
03:51- No Del Boy?
03:52-[Rodney] No, he's out.
03:54- How's your grandad?
03:55I heard his legs was playing him up.
03:56- Yeah, well, it's most probably
03:58just a touch of fibrositis, you know.
04:00- Yeah, more than like.
04:01That's how my nan started off.
04:04Did you ever meet my nan?
04:05- Well, only at her funeral.
04:07- That's right, you were at her funeral weren't you, Dave?
04:11- Trig, why'd you call me Dave?
04:14My name's not Dave.
04:17My name's Rodney.
04:19- I thought it was Dave.
04:20- No, it's Rodney.
04:22- You sure?
04:24- Yeah, I'm positive.
04:25I've looked it up on me birth certificate
04:27and passport and everything.
04:29It is definitely Rodney.
04:32- Oh well, you live and learn.
04:34So what's Dave, a nickname, right?
04:36- No.
04:38You're the only one who calls me Dave.
04:40Everybody else calls me Rodney.
04:43And the reason they call me Rodney
04:45is because Rodney is my name.
04:49- Oh well, I shall have to get used to calling you Rodney.
04:51- Thank you.
04:52- Basil, are you gonna get this meeting started?
04:55Me and Dave ain't got all night.
04:56- Rodney.
04:57- Yeah, yeah.
04:58- Can't start the meeting without the vice chairman
05:01in attendance, it's in our constitution.
05:03- Well how long's he gonna be?
05:05- Oh, could be a hell of a long time, son.
05:07He died a fortnight ago.
05:10- Died?
05:12Then what was the point in calling the meeting?
05:14- Well, I was hoping if we'd had a bigger turnout
05:16to elect a new vice chairman from the floor.
05:19- You need a new vice chairman?
05:21Well, if it'll help you out any, Baz, I nominate Rodney.
05:24- What?
05:25- Right, seconded.
05:26- Now hang on a minute.
05:27- All those in favor?
05:30Against?
05:32Nomination accepted.
05:33Welcome aboard, son.
05:34(audience laughing)
05:36- But I don't wanna be vice chairman.
05:39- I thought you was interested
05:40in all that political malarkey.
05:42- Well, yeah I am, but I don't want this job.
05:46- Oh well, I suppose Del Boy was right all along.
05:50- What do you mean?
05:52- Well, he always said you was too immature
05:53to accept responsibility.
05:57- Oh did he?
05:59Well, we'll have to see about that, then, won't we?
06:01Where do I sit, Baz?
06:08Where do I sit, Baz?
06:09- Oh, next to me, son.
06:11Right.
06:13I declare this meeting open.
06:15Now the first item on the agenda is my resignation.
06:20You're the new chairman.
06:21Congratulations, son.
06:24(audience laughing)
06:29Going down there then, Trig?
06:30- Yeah, I'll have a quick one with you, Baz.
06:32- Oi, what about the meeting?
06:33- Well, you'll have to close it, won't ya?
06:35You ain't got a vice chairman.
06:38- Oh yeah.
06:40Well, meeting closed.
06:44-[Baz] He done that well didn't he, Trig?
06:45- He's a natural.
06:46See you, Dave.
06:50(laughing)
07:05(audience laughing)
07:21(audience laughing)
07:24- Oranges, they're lovely, three for 25p.
07:26They're lovely, they're juicy, they're full of Vitamin C.
07:28Suck one of these a day, you'll never catch scurvy.
07:30What do you want, three, darling?
07:31There you go, 25p, god bless you, love.
07:34Look after yourself.
07:35Come on, girls, the finest Spanish oranges
07:37just in from Seville.
07:39- They're fresh, then?
07:40- Fresh?
07:41Fresh?
07:42They were playing castanets this morning, my darling.
07:43- I'll have some.
07:44- Great, here you go.
07:45Ein, swein, duh.
07:46Wait, here, take that one for luck.
07:49-[Customer] Thank you very much.
07:50- God bless you, my love.
07:51Don't swallow the pips, will ya?
07:52Right, come on.
07:53Where the ruddy hell have you been, eh?
07:55- You know where I've been, I told ya.
07:57I had to go down to town hall.
07:58- Yeah, you said you'd only be 20 minutes.
08:00That was four hours ago.
08:01- Oh yeah, sorry, but you know
08:03I got a bit involved with council business.
08:05- Oh, did ya, yeah.
08:07Well of course, I've got a bit involved myself
08:08here you know, with silly little things
08:10like trying to organize us some profit.
08:13Oi, you little git.
08:15And you oughta get your priorities sorted out, my son.
08:17You wanna make your mind up whether you wanna be
08:19Chairman of the Tenants Association,
08:21or you wanna work this pitch, right?
08:23- No, no, 'cause I had to go down
08:25and introduce myself to Ms. MacKenzie.
08:27- Oh, who's Ms. MacKenzie?
08:30- She's in charge of the housing
08:32and welfare down at town hall.
08:33She's a very important lady.
08:36And she was very impressed with me.
08:37- Oh well, she would be, wouldn't she?
08:39I mean, like, it's the suit, innit, eh?
08:43(audience laughing)
08:46What do you want, three?
08:48God bless, darling.
08:49- She's very intelligent, actually.
08:50We got on really well.
08:52- Yeah well, they do say
08:52that opposites attract don't they, eh?
08:54Oi, come on, you, get these crates sorted out, will you?
08:57- What?
08:58Oh come on, Del.
08:59I mean, don't you think it's gonna be a little bit demeaning
09:02for the Chairman in the Tenants Association
09:04to be seen humping dirty old crates around the market?
09:08Whew.
09:10- You want any wages tomorrow?
09:12- Where should I put 'em?
09:15- Don't tempt me, Rodney, don't tempt me.
09:17(audience laughing)
09:24- All right, Del Boy?
09:25- Hello, Grandad, what are you doing here, eh?
09:27- I've just been getting something in for dinner.
09:29- Yeah?
09:30What have I got, Grandad?
09:32- Do you like haddock pie, Del?
09:34- No I don't.
09:35- You got haddock pie, Rodney.
09:39- Terrific.
09:40Oi, how's your legs?
09:41- Still hurting.
09:43- I told you, I told you what they are,
09:44they're growing pains.
09:45- Look, if you wanna hang on, I'll give you a lift back
09:48in the van.
09:49- No, that's all right, Rodney, I'll try and walk it off.
09:53See you later.
09:55- Yeah, see ya.
09:58- Has he got pineapples?
10:01- No, I think it's just rheumatism.
10:05Oh, no, no, sorry, no.
10:09- No, we ain't got any pineapples, love, you see?
10:11No, it's this weather we've been having, you know?
10:13You can't get the people to go out and pick 'em.
10:14Never mind, look, I've got some nice
10:15pineapple-tasting oranges here
10:17and I got 'em in special today.
10:18I knew you was coming in.
10:19They come from Seville.
10:21They are Spanish...
10:22There's three for 25p.
10:23For you, six for 90.
10:27-[Rodney] And after that, right, me and Ms. MacKenzie
10:29were thinking of forming a
10:30Police and Local Community Action Committee.
10:33-[Del] You wanna get them pigging lifts fixed first.
10:37- No, that's all right, that's all in hand.
10:41Oh, look at this, he ain't even put the shopping aw...
10:44- The lazy git.
10:45I'm gonna sack him one of these days, I will.
10:47Hang about.
10:48- Del.
10:49- What?
10:51Oh my god.
10:52Grandad, Grandad.
10:55- What's the matter with him?
10:56- Well how the hell do I know?
10:58- Del, the brandy.
10:58- Yeah, yeah.
11:02No, he ain't been at this.
11:04(audience laughing)
11:06- No, I meant pour him some.
11:10Shall I give him the kiss of life?
11:12- I ain't that bad, Rodney.
11:15- Thank god for that, you're alive.
11:18Awake.
11:20- I just got up to switch over to Crossroads.
11:24- And what happened?
11:25- I don't know, Del Boy.
11:27I didn't see the end of it.
11:29(audience laughing)
11:33- He actually meant what happened to you?
11:36- I just came over bad, Rodney.
11:39Me legs give way.
11:41Them stairs will be the death of me.
11:44- Yeah.
11:45Yeah, come on, come on.
11:46Get him into bed.
11:47Come on, Grandad.
11:48Come on, that's it, get up, come on.
11:49Look, I'll put him in the bedroom,
11:50you phone for the doctor, Rodney.
11:52-[Rodney] Right.
11:52- There's no need to call the doctor,
11:54Del Boy, I'll be all right.
11:56- No, you just shut up, it's nothing to do with you.
12:02- Oh, good evening.
12:03Could you put me through to Dr. Becker, please?
12:05Yes, it is an emergency.
12:08Hello, Dr. Becker?
12:10Look, sorry to bother you,
12:11but it's my grandad, he's not very well.
12:13Yeah.
12:14Yeah, my name is Trotter.
12:16We live on the estate...
12:18Oh, you remember.
12:19Well, could you...
12:21Has what cleared up?
12:24No, I've never heard anything like that.
12:26(audience laughing)
12:28No, no, no, no, you must be getting me
12:30mixed up with somebody else.
12:31- Well, is he coming 'round?
12:33- Yeah, well could you come 'round straight away, please?
12:36You're going out to dinner?
12:37- Tell him he can have dinner here.
12:39- Yeah, you could have dinner here.
12:40He can have my haddock pie.
12:43- Your haddock pie?
12:44Give us that, will ya?
12:46Hello, doctor, my name is Del Trotter.
12:48Now, you don't know me, but we got a mutual friend,
12:50the name is Rita Alldridge.
12:52That's right, and I happened to talk
12:53to your good lady wife every day in the market.
12:57Right.
12:59He's on his way 'round.
13:00(audience laughing)
13:35- I want you to make sure that he gets plenty of sleep
13:38and lots of fresh air.
13:39- Right.
13:40We could put his bed on the balcony.
13:42(audience laughing)
13:44- Fresh air, fresh air.
13:46Haven't you noticed all the juggernauts
13:48and buses smoking away past this place?
13:50The only fresh air my grandad gets
13:52is when he's listening to The Archers.
13:53- Well, there isn't really much I can do
13:54about the pollution problem.
13:56- Well I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, doctor.
13:58Doctor, what about his legs?
14:00- Oh don't worry, he's got legs like Nijinsky.
14:04- Nijinsky's a racehorse.
14:06- No, no, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.
14:10- I don't.
14:11(audience laughing)
14:14- Oh.
14:15Well, what's the matter with him then, doctor?
14:17- Exhaustion.
14:1912 flights of stairs, difficult enough
14:21for a young man, let alone someone
14:22of your grandfather's age.
14:24Now what he needs is ground floor accommodation.
14:26Have you seen any of those new council bungalows
14:28in Herrington Road?
14:29- Oh yeah, them.
14:30They're lovely, ain't they?
14:31They got three bedrooms, little garden,
14:34right opposite the park.
14:36Still, what chance do we stand?
14:38I mean, you'd need to have nine kids
14:40and speak with a foreign accent to get one of them.
14:42- Well, if you think it would do any good,
14:44I could write a letter to the council
14:45recommending you be moved.
14:48- You did that for my mum back in 1962
14:50and they moved us here.
14:52- I'll put the shopping away.
14:55- Well, the only other thing that would hold
14:56a lot of sway with the council's housing department
14:59would be support from the
15:00Chairman of the Tenants Association.
15:02Now who is the Chairman of the Association these days?
15:07- It's me.
15:09- All right, all right, good boy.
15:13- What?
15:14- Hm?
15:15Nothing, good boy.
15:44- Didn't know you were in here.
15:50You keeping a vigil?
15:52- No, I'm just sitting here with Grandad.
15:54(audience laughing)
15:57What have you got there?
15:59- Oh, it's just some fruit.
16:01(audience laughing)
16:04- What you get?
16:05Got him grapes, have you?
16:07- No, they're oranges.
16:11- Orange, oranges?
16:14- Well, I couldn't think of what else to get him.
16:18Look, Del, you know I'd like to help.
16:21- I've got nothing further to say on the subject.
16:23Here, Grandad, have a suck of that.
16:27How you could do this to your own flesh
16:28and blood, I got no idea.
16:30- Look, what's Ms. MacKenzie gonna think, eh?
16:33I mean, I've only been Chairman of the Association
16:35for two days and already I'm into her for a new bungalow.
16:38- I'm not concerned with...
16:39I'm not concerned with what Ms. MacKenzie thinks.
16:42I'm only concerned with Grandad.
16:44Look at him.
16:45I mean, his brain went years ago.
16:49And now his legs are gone.
16:52There's only the middle bit of him left.
16:54(audience laughing)
16:57- We could take him to Lourdes.
16:59- Lourdes?
17:00Lourdes?
17:01He don't even like cricket.
17:02(audience laughing)
17:06- I meant the Lourdes in France.
17:09- Oh, Lourdes in France.
17:10Yeah, no.
17:12No, that's no good.
17:13I mean, what you gain on the miracle cures
17:15you lose on the seasickness on the way home.
17:20Yeah?
17:21- Still here, Del Boy?
17:23- Yes, I'm here, Grandad.
17:24It's all right, don't worry.
17:26Look, Rodney's brought you some oranges.
17:29I'll put 'em over there, shall I?
17:30With the other 3,000.
17:32(audience laughing)
17:34- You're a good boy, Rodney.
17:36You've always looked after your old Grandad.
17:41Rodney, put your hand under my pillow.
17:46- Yeah, okay.
17:48Why, what's under there?
17:51- Just something what was left to me by my grandad.
18:00-[Rodney] What is it?
18:01- It's my grandad's old cigarette case.
18:04He carried that with him right throughout the Boer War.
18:09That's a bit of history you're holding there,
18:11and I mean real history, not like them
18:14Nelson's eye-patches Del Boy flogs to the tourists.
18:20- What's this big dent?
18:22- Oh, there's a story behind that, Rodney.
18:25See, one night, my grandad was on sentry duty,
18:29standing out there alone in the middle of Africa.
18:33And suddenly, a sniper fired at him.
18:36The bullet was aiming straight for my grandad's heart,
18:39but he had that cigarette case in his breast pocket
18:42and the bullet hit that instead.
18:46- Geez.
18:48It saved his life.
18:50- Well, not really.
18:53See, the bullet ricocheted up his nose
18:56and blew his brains out.
18:57(audience laughing)
19:04I want you to have it, Rodney.
19:07- What?
19:08- My gran always said it were lucky.
19:11- Lucky?
19:13Grandad, it made the bullet ricochet
19:15up his nose and blow his brains out.
19:18- Yeah well, it could've ricocheted downwards
19:20and ruined his entire life.
19:22(audience laughing)
19:24- And do you know where he died, Rodney?
19:26Fighting the Zulus at the Battle of Rorke's Drift.
19:30- No.
19:31Was he actually there?
19:33Oh, cosmic.
19:36I always thought it was the Welsh.
19:39- No, no, it was definitely the Zulus, I saw the film.
19:43- You keep that with you always, Rodney.
19:46It'll be something to remember me by.
19:50- No, don't you talk like that, Grandad.
19:52- It's all right, Grandad, it's all right.
19:54He'll remember what he done to you.
19:55I'll see to that, don't you worry.
19:57- Oh don't keep on at him, Del.
19:59He's doing what he thinks is best.
20:02Besides, I might not have liked living on the ground.
20:06I've always been up in the air somewhere.
20:10I think I would've liked the garden, though.
20:13I could've grown some flowers.
20:16I've never ever had a garden.
20:19Still, what you've never had, you never miss, eh, Del Boy?
20:27- That's right, Grandad, that's right.
20:31Rodney, where are you going?
20:33- I'm gonna find Ms. MacKenzie about the bungalow.
20:35- That's a good boy, Rodney, good boy.
20:38You know it makes sense.
20:40Welcome back, you're one of the family again.
20:46- Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.
20:53- Well, you'll have to wait till morning,
20:54'cause it'd be closed now.
20:56(audience laughing)
21:04Oi, cor, Rodney.
21:06Come on, look, clear this place up.
21:10That old biddy from the council will be here any minute.
21:13- Del, I'd like you to meet Ms. MacKenzie.
21:16- Look, it's...
21:18- Good evening.
21:22(audience laughing)
21:24- Entende, I'm sure.
21:27Please, do sit down, Ms. MacKenzie.
21:29Can I get you a drink?
21:30Tea, coffee, Pina Colada?
21:32- No thank you, that's very kind of you, Mr. Trotter.
21:35- Mais oui, mais oui, Derek, please.
21:39- Derek.
21:40I've just been in to see your grandfather.
21:44He's a very interesting man.
21:45He was telling me how his own grandfather
21:47had died at the Battle of Rorke's Drift.
21:49- Oh well, no, he wasn't actually at Rorke's Drift.
21:53What he was doing, you see, he was camped
21:56in a little field behind it.
21:58And one night, he went over to the Zulus
22:00to complain about the noise.
22:02(laughing)
22:08Well, has it always been your ambition to work
22:10for the council, Ms. MacKenzie?
22:11- Please, call me Margaret.
22:13- Margaret.
22:14Margaret, do you know that is my most favorite name?
22:16- Thank you.
22:17Actually, when I left school I wanted to be a choreographer.
22:20- Really?
22:21What a coincidence, 'cause I always wanted to go
22:22into the medical profession myself.
22:24(audience laughing)
22:26- A choreographer, Del, it means she wanted to teach dance.
22:31- Oh yeah, of course, that sort
22:32of choreography, yeah, yeah, of course.
22:34Are you interested in dancing then, Margaret?
22:36- Well, I was a student of dance for two years.
22:39- Was you really?
22:40Amazing, so was I.
22:42- Really?
22:42- Yeah.
22:43- I was at the London School of Dance, Knightsbridge.
22:45- Del was at the Arthur Murray School, Lewisham.
22:48(audience laughing)
22:51- Thank you, Rodney.
22:52Rodney, why don't you go into the kitchen
22:53and put your head in the food blender?
22:55(audience laughing)
22:57Well, do you like ballet, Margaret?
23:00- Oh yes, very much.
23:01- Oh so do I.
23:02It's terrific, innit?
23:03What about that Nijinsky, then, eh?
23:05- Nijinsky?
23:06- Yeah, fabulous dancer, eh?
23:07Well, for a Soviet.
23:09- Yes, I suppose so.
23:10- Yeah, I'm a great fan.
23:12- Of Nijinsky's?
23:12- Yeah.
23:13Actually, I was thinking of getting a couple of tickets,
23:15you know, for one of the shows.
23:18- Derek, Nijinsky died in 1950.
23:21(audience laughing)
23:28- Did she?
23:31- She?
23:33Nijinsky was a man.
23:35- Ah, oh yeah, yeah, of course he was.
23:38Sorry, sorry, 'cause I always get him mixed up with...
23:40(snapping)
23:41- Arkle?
23:42- Yeah, Arkle.
23:43(audience laughing)
23:49- Well, that seems to be about it.
23:51I think I have all the information I need.
23:53- How long will we have to wait
23:54until we know if our application has been accepted?
23:57- You can know right now, Rodney, I've just signed it.
24:01- You mean we've got the bungalow?
24:03- Of course.
24:04Here's your new rent book and all the necessary paperwork.
24:08- I don't believe it.
24:10Are you sure you don't wanna double-check nothing?
24:12- That won't be necessary, Rodney.
24:13Margaret knows what she's doing.
24:16- I don't know what to say.
24:18- Well, just say thank you to the nice lady.
24:22- Really, there's no need.
24:25I'm only too pleased to help.
24:27Many people get themselves voted onto tenants committees
24:29purely for their own ends.
24:31But Rodney's different, he cares.
24:34- Oh he does, he cares, he's a diamond, he really is.
24:36- Well, I hope you'll be very happy in your new home.
24:38I'll see you at our next committee meeting, then?
24:41- Yes, yes, of course.
24:42And thanks again.
24:45I can't wait to tell Grandad.
24:47Well, I suppose we better get you--
24:48- No, I'll see Margaret out, Rodney.
24:51There you go.
24:52Excuse me.
24:54There you go.
24:55Don't drink it.
24:58Well, I suppose you must have pulled a few strings, huh?
25:02- Well, let's just say I applied
25:03some rather liberal interpretations to our rules.
25:07- Yeah, well, if only there was some way
25:08that I could show my appreciation.
25:11But mon dieu, mon dieu, why don't I take you
25:14out for a nice celebratory drink?
25:16- Oh, that's very nice of you,
25:17but I've got a lot of paperwork to finish.
25:19- Oh okay, well, some other time, then maybe, eh?
25:22- Yes.
25:23Well, goodbye.
25:24- No, no, not goodbye, Margaret.
25:27No, just bon jour.
25:29(audience laughing)
25:38- Well, we've done it.
25:40Now that is the power of being a chairman, Del.
25:43- Leave it out.
25:43It was my chat what did it.
25:46- Oh yeah, your chat, yeah.
25:47Oh a choreographer, oh yeah, of course,
25:49I've always wanted to be in the medical profession myself.
25:52- Oi, cut that out, will you.
25:55- Have we got it, Del?
25:57- Yeah, of course we got it, Grandad, look.
25:59We move in next week.
26:00♫ My old man said follow the van
26:04♫ And don't dilly-dally on the way
26:07Hang on, I'll get you a beer, Grandad.
26:09♫ The man with me old man in it
26:11♫ I walked behind with me old clock linnet
26:14♫ But I dillied and dallied
26:16♫ Dallied and dillied
26:19- We feeling a little bit better are we, Grandad?
26:22- I'm feeling on top of the world, Rodney.
26:25- Do you know, I thought as much.
26:26Because five minutes ago, you couldn't wiggle your toes,
26:30and now you're doing an audition for the Hot Shoe Show.
26:35You two have really stitched me up, ain't ya?
26:37But not just me, Dr. Becker and Ms. MacKenzie as well.
26:40- Oh shut up, you tart.
26:43We couldn't let you in on our little plan, could we?
26:45Because you, you're...
26:47Well, to put it politely,
26:48you're full of principle aren't you?
26:50Here you are, Grandad.
26:52- How else could we have done it, Rodney?
26:54We've got ourselves a beautiful new home,
26:56a bit of garden, a garage, and no stairs.
27:00- Grandad, the point is that we...
27:08I suppose them stairs were a bit much for ya.
27:11And I can hardly blame Del for the lifts breaking down.
27:16(doorbell rings)
27:17Do you mean you even went to the...
27:18Right, come here, you.
27:19I'm gonna hurt you really bad.
27:25- Oh hello, Margaret.
27:27Did you forget something?
27:29- Only my manners, I'm sorry to say.
27:32I've just realized that you quite naturally
27:34would like to celebrate your new home
27:36but as Rodney would have to stay in with Grandad,
27:38you have no one to go with,
27:39so if your invitation is still open?
27:43- Oh well, of course it is, yeah.
27:44If you'd just like to hang on uno momento.
27:48- I mustn't have too much to drink, though,
27:50it goes straight to my head.
27:52- Does it really?
27:54Have to keep an eye on you, then, won't we, eh?
27:57Oi, listen, I'm off out.
27:58I don't know what time I'm gonna be back,
27:59but don't put the Chubb on, all right?
28:01Listen, what I thought we might do,
28:03is slip down the Nag's Head for a couple of swift halves,
28:06and then we could go to this...
28:08Well, go on to this little spick drinking club
28:10I know over at New Cross.
28:12- I don't want to be out too late.
28:14- Don't worry, we'll get you back in your flat before 3:00.
28:17- Here you are, Del.
28:18Don't forget your scarf, it's freez...
28:20(audience laughing)
28:23Oh my god.
28:24- Well, hello again.
28:28He seems to be over the worst.
28:29- Yeah, well, you know, it comes, it goes.
28:32- So it would appear.
28:34- Collapse.
28:35- What?
28:35- Collapse.
28:37- I shouldn't bother, you might do yourself an injury.
28:40- Oi, you're gonna need the keys if you...
28:42- I am disgusted with the lot of you.
28:45But especially with Rodney.
28:47I believed you.
28:48- I believed me.
28:50- I assume you'll be resigning, Mr. Chairman.
28:54- First thing in the morning, yeah.
28:56- And I'll tell you what I'm going to do in the morning.
28:58I'm going to do you all yet another favor.
29:00I'm going to save you the inconvenience of moving.
29:03Goodnight to you all.
29:08- Margaret.
29:09-[Margaret] What?
29:10- Are we still on for that drink?
29:14(upbeat music)
29:19♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
29:21♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:22♫ TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs
29:26♫ Ball games, gold chains, whatsnames, and Oedipus
29:29♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
29:30♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:32♫ Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush
29:35♫ No income tax, no VAT
29:37♫ No money back, no guarantee
29:41♫ Black or white, rich or poor
29:44♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
29:49♫ God bless Hooky Street
29:52♫ Viva Hooky Street
29:55♫ Long live Hooky Street
29:57♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
30:01♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street
30:05♫ Hooky Street
30:09♫ Hooky Street
30:12♫ Hooky Street