Only Fools and Horses S03E03 — Friday the 14th

Every line from “Friday the 14th” (682 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00(upbeat rock music)
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la
00:34♫ La la la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:45(audience laughter)
00:48- Oh, stone me!
00:52Here we are.
00:57Guess where we're goin' at the weekend?
01:00- Give us a clue.
01:01- Right, Rodney, if you insist, there you are.
01:04- Oh, you dirty pig, get it away!
01:08- How's that rice going down, all right?
01:09- Get it out! (audience laughter)
01:11- Where are we going, then, Del?
01:13- We're going skiing!
01:15Where do you think we're going, you silly old,
01:17we're goin' fishing, ain't we?
01:18- Well, I know that, I mean where?
01:20- Oh, I see what you mean, we're going
01:21to a place called Tregowan.
01:23- Where's that? - It's at Cornwall.
01:24- Cornwall? - Yeah.
01:25- Why are we goin' all the way down there?
01:27- 'Cause that's where Boycie's weekend cottage is,
01:29I had dinner with him last night at Mario's
01:31and he happened to mention he'd got his weekend
01:32cottage and it was free, so (whistles) Bob's your uncle.
01:35- How much rent's he chargin' ya?
01:37- Nothing.
01:38- He's lettin' us have it for free?
01:39- Yep, all for gratis.
01:41- Oh now, come on, Del, there's gotta
01:42be somethin' behind this.
01:43'Cause Boycie would scalp you if dandruff
01:45had a going rate. (audience laughter)
01:48- You're becoming so cynical, Rodney,
01:50he's just doin' a mate a favor, isn't he, eh?
01:52- Yeah.
01:53Wait a minute, you met him in Mario's?
01:55- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
01:56Grandad, come and look, clear up all this
01:58fishing gear, will ya, 'cause we wanna pop out.
02:00- Mario's is a fish restaurant.
02:02- Is it? Yeah, see you later.
02:04- Bit of a coincidence, Del, isn't it,
02:05you meetin' him in a fish restaurant,
02:07and the next thing, we're all going fishing.
02:09(audience laughter)
02:11- He's like Eliot bleedin' Ness at times, isn't he, eh?
02:15All right, Rodney, I was gonna tell you when
02:16we got down there, you know, as a sort of surprise, like.
02:19- Oh yeah? - Yeah, yeah,
02:20as a surprise, yeah.
02:21Well, this cottage happens to be near one of the finest
02:24salmon fishing streams in England,
02:26now, Mario has agreed to pay us 10 pounds
02:29for every fish that we bring back.
02:31Now, Boycie and I are gonna half it,
02:32that's a fiver each, so let's say that we do,
02:35what, 60 fish, that'll be 300 sovs in our pocket.
02:39Now, we split it three ways, that means that
02:41you and granddad get 50 pounds each...
02:43(audience laughter)
02:45A weekend's fishin' and free digs,
02:47now what do you reckon to that?
02:48- I reckon it's illegal.
02:50- You hurt me sometimes, Rodney,
02:52you really do, you don't even let me finish
02:54before you go jumpin' to your nasty little delusions.
02:57- It's lucky you ain't a judge, Rodney,
02:58you'd hang 'em before they finish the oath.
03:01- All right, I'm sorry, I just thought, you know...
03:04- I know exactly what you thought.
03:08- So have we got permission, have we?
03:10- Well, we will have.
03:12We see the gamekeeper when we get down there
03:14and we pay him 25 quid.
03:16- What, and he gives us a fishing permit?
03:18- No, he shows us a hole in the fence.
03:20- Knew it!
03:21- It's called business. - It's called stealing!
03:24- No it ain't, Rodney.
03:26- Listen to your granddad.
03:27- It's called poaching. (audience laughter)
03:31- And what do we know about that, eh?
03:33Del, he can't even poach an egg!
03:35(audience laughter)
03:37- Rodney, it'll be a dawdle!
03:39This stream's jam packed with salmon,
03:41we just put our hooks in and whip 'em out!
03:43- Del, it is illegal, it is immoral,
03:45it is unethical!
03:47- All right.
03:48Me and granddad'll go on our own and we'll split
03:50the profits between us.
03:55- Now, I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I?
03:57(audience laughter)
04:00♫ Gone poaching, boo-boo-boo-boo
04:04♫ Left a sign up on the door
04:07(audience laughter)
04:08♫ Gone poaching, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo
04:11-[Del] You keep on, Rodney, and you're gonna
04:13get a smack right in the earhole.
04:15(audience laughter)
04:18(lightning crashing)
04:24-[Rodney] Oy-oy-oy, what's all this about?
04:27-[Del] My God, it's the old bill!
04:29-[Granddad] Someone's double drop about them salmon!
04:31-[Del] Shush!
04:33Now, look, just let me do the talking.
04:40(audience laughter)
04:42Good evening, officer.
04:44Now, if it's about the tax disc,
04:45I can assure you that the new one is in the post.
04:48- It's nothing to do with your road fund license, sir.
04:51Down for a bit of fishing, are we?
04:53- Oh no, no, no, nothin' like that, no.
04:56- Then why you got three fishing rods
04:57tied to your roof rack?
04:59(audience laughter)
05:02- Uh, well, uh... - Uh, oh, no, no!
05:05'Cause you remember, we said we might
05:06do a little bit of fishing.
05:08- Oh yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah,
05:09might do, you know, just a little bit,
05:10like, you know, tiddlers. - No salmon, though.
05:13(audience laughter)
05:17- I see, you haven't given anyone a lift
05:19in the last half hour or so, have you, sir?
05:22- Uh, no.
05:25Look, what is this all about, anyway?
05:27- We just had word that a patient's escaped
05:29from the local hospital.
05:30- Escaped?
05:32What you got out here, National Health Stalags?
05:34(audience laughter) - Shh!
05:36- It's no ordinary hospital, sir.
05:38It's an institute for the criminally insane.
05:41See, this storm's brought a few power cables down,
05:44blacked out the entire area.
05:46It even put the institute's security system
05:48out of action, so this patient took his chance
05:52and made off across the moors.
05:55He's out there somewhere now.
05:58And for all I know, he could be watchin' us.
06:01(audience laughter)
06:04- What was he, uh, in there for, anyway?
06:06- 10 years ago, this very night,
06:07he killed a party of weekend fishermen.
06:10(audience laughter)
06:12- They called him the Axe-Murderer.
06:17- No, no, I didn't know, I must've been out that night.
06:21- You good people be very careful.
06:23Don't pick up any hitchhikers, don't stop for
06:25anyone no matter what the circumstances!
06:28And if you see or hear anything suspicious,
06:30phone the police immediately.
06:33Your lives may depend on it. (thunder rumbling)
06:36Right, gentlemen, have a nice weekend, won't you?
06:38- Yeah. (audience laughter)
06:47- Here, well, come on, full ahead both, Rodney.
06:49- We ain't goin' on, are we?
06:51- Yeah, of course we are.
06:53- Del, there is a crazed axe murderer out there somewhere!
06:57- I know that, Rodders, but you seem to be forgettin'
07:00that we're on a 300 quid earner!
07:03Don't worry, we'll be locked up,
07:05safe and sound, in Boycie's cottage.
07:08Anyway, there's three of us.
07:10(audience laughter)
07:12Well, there's me and you. (audience laughter)
07:17Don't worry, I'll look after ya.
07:19(audience laughter)
07:20(motor revving) (thunder rumbling)
07:26(lightning crashing)
07:55All right, Granddad?
08:00(heavy breathing)
08:05(audience laughter)
08:16-[Granddad] You're makin' me nervous!
08:18-[Rodney] Look, I didn't say I saw someone, did I,
08:21just that I saw something.
08:23-[Del] Yeah, all right, don't worry,
08:24get them lanterns goin', will you, Rodney?
08:26-[Rodney] Why, what's wrong with the lights?
08:27-[Del] There's no electric, is there?
08:28-[Rodney] Someone's been tamperin' with it!
08:30-[Del] No, look, the storm has blown
08:32the power cables over, remember?
08:34The whole area's blacked out, isn't it?
08:36-[Rodney] Oh, yeah.
08:37-[Del] Yeah, I'll see if I can find some candles
08:38in this cupboard over here.
08:48What are you doin'?
08:49- I'm phoning the law.
08:50- You're doing what, what are you tryin' to do to me?
08:54God, look, we're down here doin' a bit of fishing,
08:57the last thing we need is the local polis
08:59here sniffin' round our keep net!
09:01- Look, that copper said if we see or hear
09:03anything suspicious, phone the police immediately!
09:06Our lives could depend on it!
09:08- All right, then, who have you seen, Hawkeye?
09:10- Out, I saw... (audience laughter)
09:14A movement in the trees.
09:16- A movement?
09:17Of course you've seen a movement in the trees,
09:19there's a ruddy typhoid blowin' out there!
09:21(audience laughter)
09:25- Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.
09:26- It's all right, come on.
09:27Pull yourself together, all right?
09:28- I'll be all right. - Yeah, that's it.
09:32- It's, uh, it's a typhoon.
09:34- Ah, good idea, Rodney, put the kettle on,
09:36we'll have a nice cup of tea. (audience laughter)
09:46- Uh, Del, there's only an electric kettle out there.
09:49- Well, use a saucepan, then!
09:54- No, there ain't none. (audience laughter)
09:56- Gordon Bennett, look, come out of my way,
09:58I'll do it, look.
10:00Here, look, have a look in that sideboard,
10:01see if Boycie's left any scotch, will ya?
10:04If he hasn't, we'll have to drink mine.
10:05(audience laughter)
10:11Here you are, Rodney. (faucet running)
10:13See what I mean, there ain't no ghosties
10:14or ghoulies out here.
10:17(lightning cracking) (audience laughter)
10:22-[Granddad] Del Boy, come in here, quick!
10:24Rodney's found something.
10:27- Has he? What?
10:32Monopoly, oh... (audience laughter)
10:34Now we are all doomed!
10:35- Not the Monopoly.
10:41- Hmm, well, it's only a chopper.
10:43(audience laughter)
10:45- It's an axe. - The same thing.
10:48- No, Del, the police ain't lookin'
10:50for an escaped chopper murderer.
10:52(audience laughter)
10:54- Look, just a minute, let me ask
10:56you two something, where are we?
10:59- We're in stook. - We're in...
11:01No, we're in the country, aren't we,
11:03and country people have these things hangin' about.
11:06It's part and parcel of their lives.
11:08- All right, let me ask you something,
11:09where do you think that escaped bloke is right now?
11:12- Probably out there on them moors.
11:14- In this weather?
11:15- Yeah, well, he's mad, isn't he?
11:16- Well, he might be mad, he'd have to be
11:18bloody stupid to be out in the moors.
11:20- Exactly, and I reckon he'd have holed up somewhere.
11:24Found himself an empty place.
11:27Like this.
11:28- Yeah, but this place ain't empty, is it?
11:30- It was before we arrived, Del.
11:35- What do you reckon, all right, then?
11:36What, he's out there havin' a kip?
11:37- Well, he could be out there.
11:39- Well, I shouldn't let it worry you, Granddad,
11:40because the three bears have probably eaten him by now.
11:43(audience laughter)
11:45I mean, what is this fairy story that you're givin' me,
11:47what's the matter with you two, you been sniffin'
11:48the Bostik or something? (audience laughter)
11:50- All right, then, well why don't you go up
11:52the wooden hill to Bed for cheer and check it out?
11:58- I don't have to! (audience laughter)
12:01No, I mean, listen, would any self respecting
12:03axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks
12:06and leave his chopper in the sideboard?
12:08(audience laughter)
12:11- He might have a spare one. (audience laughter)
12:14- He's got a kit of 'em now, has he?
12:16I suppose you've got a little caddy
12:17that carries 'em around for him!
12:19And another thing, if the man of the moment
12:22is upstairs havin' a lie in, who was it that
12:24you thought you saw out there in the trees, his brother?
12:29- Oh yeah, that's right.
12:31- Can't be in two places at once.
12:33- No, 'course not.
12:35Oh, he's most probably halfway to London by now.
12:38- Yeah, of course he is, he's most probably
12:39looking for an empty place up there.
12:40- I hope he doesn't find our flat.
12:42- Will you shut up? (audience laughter)
12:45Will you just stop all this nonsense?
12:50Look, look, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound?
12:54- Uh, well, well, yeah. - Right, right, now could we
12:56just, you know, could we just, like,
12:58relax a bit now, you know?
13:00You all right, there you are.
13:03Now... (audience laughter)
13:06I wonder where the toilet is.
13:09- Uh, it's outside, I saw it as we come in.
13:11- Right.
13:15(lightning crashing)
13:19I think I'll leave it 'til the morning.
13:21(audience laughter)
13:27Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties, Rodney.
13:30- Of course it is, you own everything on the board.
13:34- No I don't, no I don't, look, you've got there
13:36Coventry Street, Granddad's got a Waterworks, and all that.
13:39Uh, yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, 2,000 pounds, please.
13:43- Two, hold on. - Eh, what?
13:46- According to this, it's only 1,500.
13:49- Yes, I know, but I put you in the
13:50penthouse suite, haven't I? (audience laughter)
13:53- I don't want the penthouse suite, do I?
13:55There you go, 1,500, that's all you're getting.
13:58- Like a big kid, isn't he?
13:59- Yeah, well, I give up on him, Granddad, I really do.
14:00- It's your go, Grandfather!
14:06Ah, Piccadilly, right, that's mine, then,
14:08I've got an hotel, so that's 1,200 pounds.
14:10- 1,200 pounds for an hotel next to a smelly old Waterworks?
14:14(audience laughter) - What?
14:16- All them sewers, I'd rather sleep in the car
14:19or look for a bed and breakfast.
14:22- No, no, you don't understand, bless him,
14:25look, no, look, look. (audience laughter)
14:27That's in the rules.
14:28- 1,200 pounds is scandalous!
14:32I ain't a tourist, you know!
14:35- Del, can you have a word with him?
14:39- Well, I think he's got a point, Rodney.
14:41I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build
14:42a hotel next to a sewage farm in the first place.
14:45I mean, let's face it, you know, your gaff's
14:47never gonna get in the Michelin Guide, is it, eh?
14:51- But the point of the...
14:55(audience laughter)
14:56Stupid bloody game! (audience laughter)
15:00- Well, that's charmin', that is, isn't it, eh?
15:01- Just 'cause you're losin'. - Oh, shut up!
15:04- You wanna learn to grow up a bit, my son.
15:06- I didn't wanna play this stupid bloody game
15:07in the first place! - Yeah, all right, here.
15:09Granddad, I think there's a hotel underneath your chair.
15:13If there's any money down there, it's mine, all right?
15:15(audience laughter)
15:17Here, look, here's a cup, there's a top hat.
15:19There's a top hat.
15:22There it is, mmm.
15:24(lightning cracking) (audience laughter)
15:37- Del...
15:39-[Del] Don't you speak to me, Rodney,
15:40I'm, I'm finished with ya!
15:42- Del, there is a man at the window.
15:46- You what?
15:48- There is a man at the window.
15:50- He ain't got a bucket and a shammy leather, has he?
15:56- I'm bein' serious, Del, there is somebody at the window.
16:05- All right, Rodney, all right.
16:08Relax, just take it easy, all right,
16:10I'll go take a look.
16:13(audience laughter)
16:22(shouts) (audience laughter)
16:27No, it's all, there's no one there, Rodney,
16:29look, there's no one out there.
16:30- He was there, Del, I swear to ya.
16:32My face was only inches from that glass.
16:33- What did he look like?
16:35- Horrible, he had these evil eyes
16:37and this grotesque, evil face.
16:41- Maybe it was a reflection.
16:43- That was no reflection, Del,
16:44I swear to God, I was as cl-,
16:47what do you mean, a reflection?
16:49- No, no, what I mean is that your imagination
16:51sometimes plays games with you, you know,
16:53it tricks you into believing that you saw
16:54something that isn't really there.
16:56- Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead!
16:59I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes!
17:01I saw the hairs comin' out of his nostrils!
17:04- Well, it might've been the shadows in the trees, Rodney.
17:07- Oh, dear God! (knocking on door)
17:13(knocking on door) -[Man] Is anyone there?
17:16- I think there's someone at the door.
17:19- No, it's probably just the shadows.
17:22- Shadows, until they start singing Summer Holidays,
17:25we'll expect the worst. (audience laughter)
17:29Who's there?
17:30-[Robson] Oh, good evening.
17:32My name's Robson, I'm chief of security at the institution.
17:35- Oh, thank God for that!
17:36- What the hell do you think you're doin'?
17:38- It's the chief of security to the hospital.
17:40- Says who?
17:41- Well, he, just this minute...
17:43(audience laughter) Oh, yeah.
17:46- He could be anybody!
17:51You, get ready.
17:56(audience laughter)
17:59- Well? - Well, what?
18:01(audience laughter)
18:03- Was that him? - Who?
18:04- The face at the window!
18:06- I don't know, I didn't look.
18:08- You wally!
18:09- You never said what you was gonna do!
18:11-[Robson] Is everything all right?
18:12- Yeah, all right, we'll give you a minute, Chief!
18:14I'll do it again, and this time you take a good look!
18:17- All right. - All right?
18:21- Good evening. (audience laughter)
18:25- Well? - No, it's not.
18:26- You sure?
18:27- Yeah, I'm positive, that is definitely not him.
18:29- All right, good.
18:32Do come in, Chief.
18:33- Thank you.
18:35- There we are. - Appalling weather.
18:36- Yes.
18:37Sorry about leavin' you standin' out there,
18:39but we can't be too sure, can you, you know?
18:41We thought you might've been a double glazing salesman.
18:43- What? Oh, yes.
18:44Well, if you'd like to see some identification,
18:46there's everything there, from my driver's license
18:48to my blood donors card.
18:49- Oh yeah, no, no, that's all right, that's all right.
18:51Rodney, fix the chief a drink, will you?
18:54So, you haven't caught him yet, then?
18:56- Unfortunately, no.
18:57We've extended the search up to this area now.
18:59We have the entire police forces of three counties
19:02out looking for him, I was passing,
19:04saw a light, what exactly are you gentlemen doing here?
19:07- Uh, we're on a fishing trip.
19:10(audience laughter)
19:13- I, uh, don't suppose you've seen anything?
19:16- Well, other than a face at the window, nothing.
19:19- Face at the window?
19:20- Yeah, well, I mean, Rodney here reckoned
19:22he saw a face at the window and I don't know
19:24whether to believe him or not.
19:25- Oh, I saw him, Del.
19:26I was only sorta, like, three inches away from him.
19:28- Uh, could you describe him for me?
19:30- Yeah, of course I could, he was about 50,
19:33he had this gaunt, hungered expression,
19:36you know, and his eyes were like wild animals.
19:38- Yeah, and he got, what, he had, like,
19:40hair out of his nostrils, yeah?
19:41- Oh yeah, there was all that.
19:43- You're quite certain it wasn't a reflection?
19:45(audience laughter)
19:48- Look, it was not a reflection.
19:50- I'm sorry, but at times like these,
19:51people's imaginations run amok.
19:53Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone.
19:57What was the color of his hair?
20:00- What, un-, y-, un-...
20:03- No, on his head.
20:04- Oh, uh, gray.
20:06- Ah, sounds like my man.
20:08When exactly did this happen?
20:10- Well, just now, a minute or so before you arrived.
20:12- Hmm, he must've seen me.
20:14- You reckon he's still out there, then?
20:16- Oh no, he'd be long gone by now.
20:18It's the uniform, you see, he's terrified
20:21of people in authority.
20:22Well, after 10 years in an institution, who wouldn't be?
20:26- Yeah, well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock.
20:30(audience laughter)
20:31Chief, do you mind if I asked you something?
20:34- What's that?
20:35- Well, is it safe for me to go to the carsey?
20:37(audience laughing)
20:38I mean, it's outside.
20:39- Oh, you're perfectly safe.
20:41He'd be a long way away by now.
20:42- Oh good, right, that's all right, then.
20:49(thunder rumbling)
20:52- Well, go on then, Del, there's nothing
20:53to be frightened of now!
20:55- I know, but you don't have to go out there, do ya?
20:57- Well, you heard what the chief said,
20:58go on, there's no need to worry!
21:01- All right, all right.
21:03- All right!
21:07(audience laughter)
21:11He's such a worrier. (audience laughter)
21:14(thunder clapping)
21:28(audience laughter)
21:30- You weren't frightened at all?
21:32- Me? No.
21:33No, because, you see, in the past I have done
21:36work for the mentally disturbed.
21:39- He went out selling flags one Saturday.
21:41(audience laughter)
21:43- Well, yeah, but I can actually sympathize
21:46with this guy's problems.
21:48- Sympathize, but he's a psycho!
21:51- Have you any idea what a psycho,
21:53as you so eloquently put it, is?
21:55- Course I have!
21:56He's a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
21:59(audience laughter)
22:06(toilet flushing)
22:12(thunder clapping)
22:15(door slamming) (audience laughter)
22:22(thunder clapping)
22:27(audience laughter)
22:28- Bloody hell's bells!
22:31Rodney, Granddad!
22:33Come out here, quick! Bring some rope!
22:38- Yeah, so then, right, I grabbed the axe
22:40out of his hands and I cracked him good
22:42and hard on the jaw so obviously he went down, right?
22:45Then I tied him up good and tight,
22:47and we bundled him in the back of the van!
22:49- Well, good work, lad, you say
22:50you caught him single-handed?
22:51- Yeah.
22:53(audience laughter)
22:55Well, um, no.
22:57Uh, Dels, my brother back at the cottage,
22:59he helped a bit.
23:01- You're too modest, Rodney. (audience laughter)
23:03- Well, there could be a medal in this.
23:06- Well...
23:08- Right, get ready, lads.
23:09This one could be a handful.
23:16Is this some kind of joke?
23:18- What do you mean?
23:19- This is no escaped lunatic,
23:21this is Tom Whitten, the gamekeeper!
23:23And you shouldn't have gagged him like that,
23:25he suffers from asthma! (audience laughter)
23:28- Oy, now, hold on a minute, the chief of security
23:31from the institution itself said it was him.
23:33- What chief of security? - What's his name, Robson.
23:37I mean, you can ask him yourself,
23:39he's back at the cottage with Del.
23:41- Chief Robson is not at the cottage,
23:43he's at the hospital.
23:45The escaped man hit him on the head,
23:47then stole his uniform and his identity papers.
23:50(audience laughter)
23:53- Well, I still reckon we should've gone with 'em.
23:55- Oh no, it was imperative I made out my report immediately.
23:58And, after all, I needed you here with me.
24:01You were the one that recaptured him.
24:02- Well, yes, um, I suppose, yeah.
24:06Hey, what do you say we have a nice
24:06little drink to celebrate, huh?
24:09Well, the old weather's clearin' up nicely.
24:11Look at that, it's a full moon.
24:14(audience laughter)
24:18Oh, there you go, Chief.
24:20(phone ringing) Oh, excuse me.
24:24Yes, hello?
24:25Oh, hello, Rodders? Did you get there all right?
24:28Yeah.
24:30(audience laughter)
24:36He's what? (audience laughter)
24:42No.
24:45You all right?
24:48The chief's just standin' there, you know.
24:50Examinin' his axe.
24:54Yeah, all right, well, you'll hurry back, won't you?
24:58All right, goodbye.
25:04Oh, he just phoned out, you know,
25:06to tell us he got there all right.
25:08- Good.
25:10Do you like fish?
25:11- What? - Do you like fish?!
25:13- Oh yeah, yeah, a little bit of salt
25:14and vinegar, they're lovely.
25:16- I only like living fish.
25:19Fish that swim in the rivers and the seas.
25:22I don't like people that kill them.
25:24- No, no, no, I do-, I don't like that sort, meself...
25:27- But I saw fishing rods on your van!
25:29- No, no, no, don't belong to me,
25:30they belong to my brother and my granddad,
25:32I mean, I keep telling them, I beg 'em
25:33not to hurt the poor little fishies,
25:35I mean, I only come down here for the fresh air!
25:37(takes deep breath) (audience laughter)
25:40- Good.
25:43Do you like snooker?
25:46(audience laughter)
25:48- Snooker? - Yes!
25:51- Do you? - Oh, yes.
25:52- So do I, it's terrific, isn't it?
25:53(audience laughter) - Shall we play a game?
25:58- What, snooker? - Yes!
26:01- Yeah, yeah, all right.
26:03Um, I'll tell you what, I'll just pop out to the shed
26:06at the bottom of the garden, 'cause I think I remember
26:08seein' a snooker table in there, all right?
26:11- No need!
26:15We'll use this one, here.
26:19(audience laughter)
26:21- Oh yeah.
26:22What, you mean, this one here, you mean?
26:24- Yes! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
26:28(blowing) (audience laughter)
26:30(helicopter whirring) Thank God for that.
26:32- Is that a police helicopter?
26:33- No, you're all right!
26:35It's Barratt's. (audience laughter)
26:42- Good.
26:47You can break.
26:52- Um, I'll tell you what, um, why don't
26:55I put that somewhere safe,
26:58'cause you won't be able to hold your
26:59cue properly with that in your hand, will ya?
27:06- Ah!
27:09I suppose you're right.
27:10- Yeah, of course I am.
27:12You know it makes sense. (audience laughter)
27:18- Which cue would you like?
27:23- Um (chuckles)...
27:27(audience laughter)
27:32I'll have this one.
27:33- Good, this is my favorite.
27:37- You can see it's a good'un, can't ya?
27:41- I'm not very good at snooker, I always lose.
27:44- I've got a feeling you're gonna win this one.
27:45- I hope not!
27:48I don't like winning!
27:49My father used to force me to win at everything I did,
27:52but people challenge winners.
27:54You become vulnerable, you feel open to attack.
27:58Do you know the feeling?
27:59- Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean, yeah.
28:02- The losers are anonymous.
28:05No one wants to challenge a loser.
28:08There's something comforting in defeat.
28:12I really like losing.
28:16- Do ya?
28:19Well, what do you say we make this
28:20game a little more interesting?
28:23Shall we play for a tenner a frame?
28:26- Oh, all right.
28:28- Got a feeling that this weekend is not gonna
28:30be a total loss after all. (audience laughter)
28:32- Sorry? - Nothing!
28:34Got a chalk? (audience laughter)
28:37Thanks.
28:39(squeaking) (upbeat rock music)
28:42(audience applause)
28:46♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
28:48♫ And miles and miles of country tiles
28:49♫ TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs
28:52♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
28:55♫ And at a push, some Trevor Francis tracksuits
28:57♫ From a mush in Shepherd's Bush,
28:58♫ Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush
29:01♫ No income tax, no VAT
29:04♫ No money back, no guarantee
29:08♫ Black or white, and rich or poor
29:11♫ Oh, we'll cut prices at a stroke
29:15♫ God bless Hooky Street
29:18♫ Viva Hooky Street
29:21♫ Long live Hooky Street
29:24♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
29:28♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
29:32♫ Hooky Street
29:35♫ Hooky Street
29:38♫ Hooky Street