Only Fools and Horses S03E03 — Friday the 14th

Every line from “Friday the 14th” (682 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S03E03 meme — “I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build”

00:00(upbeat rock music)
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la
00:34♫ La la la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:45(audience laughter)
00:48- Oh, stone me!
00:52Here we are.
00:57Guess where we're goin' at the weekend?
01:00- Give us a clue.
01:01- Right, Rodney, if you insist, there you are.
01:04- Oh, you dirty pig, get it away!
01:08- How's that rice going down, all right?
01:09- Get it out! (audience laughter)
01:11- Where are we going, then, Del?
01:13- We're going skiing!
01:15Where do you think we're going, you silly old,
01:17we're goin' fishing, ain't we?
01:18- Well, I know that, I mean where?
01:20- Oh, I see what you mean, we're going
01:21to a place called Tregowan.
01:23- Where's that? - It's at Cornwall.
01:24- Cornwall? - Yeah.
01:25- Why are we goin' all the way down there?
01:27- 'Cause that's where Boycie's weekend cottage is,
01:29I had dinner with him last night at Mario's
01:31and he happened to mention he'd got his weekend
01:32cottage and it was free, so (whistles) Bob's your uncle.
01:35- How much rent's he chargin' ya?
01:37- Nothing.
01:38- He's lettin' us have it for free?
01:39- Yep, all for gratis.
01:41- Oh now, come on, Del, there's gotta
01:42be somethin' behind this.
01:43'Cause Boycie would scalp you if dandruff
01:45had a going rate. (audience laughter)
01:48- You're becoming so cynical, Rodney,
01:50he's just doin' a mate a favor, isn't he, eh?
01:52- Yeah.
01:53Wait a minute, you met him in Mario's?
01:55- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
01:56Grandad, come and look, clear up all this
01:58fishing gear, will ya, 'cause we wanna pop out.
02:00- Mario's is a fish restaurant.
02:02- Is it? Yeah, see you later.
02:04- Bit of a coincidence, Del, isn't it,
02:05you meetin' him in a fish restaurant,
02:07and the next thing, we're all going fishing.
02:09(audience laughter)
02:11- He's like Eliot bleedin' Ness at times, isn't he, eh?
02:15All right, Rodney, I was gonna tell you when
02:16we got down there, you know, as a sort of surprise, like.
02:19- Oh yeah? - Yeah, yeah,
02:20as a surprise, yeah.
02:21Well, this cottage happens to be near one of the finest
02:24salmon fishing streams in England,
02:26now, Mario has agreed to pay us 10 pounds
02:29for every fish that we bring back.
02:31Now, Boycie and I are gonna half it,
02:32that's a fiver each, so let's say that we do,
02:35what, 60 fish, that'll be 300 sovs in our pocket.
02:39Now, we split it three ways, that means that
02:41you and granddad get 50 pounds each...
02:43(audience laughter)
02:45A weekend's fishin' and free digs,
02:47now what do you reckon to that?
02:48- I reckon it's illegal.
02:50- You hurt me sometimes, Rodney,
02:52you really do, you don't even let me finish
02:54before you go jumpin' to your nasty little delusions.
02:57- It's lucky you ain't a judge, Rodney,
02:58you'd hang 'em before they finish the oath.
03:01- All right, I'm sorry, I just thought, you know...
03:04- I know exactly what you thought.
03:08- So have we got permission, have we?
03:10- Well, we will have.
03:12We see the gamekeeper when we get down there
03:14and we pay him 25 quid.
03:16- What, and he gives us a fishing permit?
03:18- No, he shows us a hole in the fence.
03:20- Knew it!
03:21- It's called business. - It's called stealing!
03:24- No it ain't, Rodney.
03:26- Listen to your granddad.
03:27- It's called poaching. (audience laughter)
03:31- And what do we know about that, eh?
03:33Del, he can't even poach an egg!
03:35(audience laughter)
03:37- Rodney, it'll be a dawdle!
03:39This stream's jam packed with salmon,
03:41we just put our hooks in and whip 'em out!
03:43- Del, it is illegal, it is immoral,
03:45it is unethical!
03:47- All right.
03:48Me and granddad'll go on our own and we'll split
03:50the profits between us.
03:55- Now, I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I?
03:57(audience laughter)
04:00♫ Gone poaching, boo-boo-boo-boo
04:04♫ Left a sign up on the door
04:07(audience laughter)
04:08♫ Gone poaching, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo
04:11-[Del] You keep on, Rodney, and you're gonna
04:13get a smack right in the earhole.
04:15(audience laughter)
04:18(lightning crashing)
04:24-[Rodney] Oy-oy-oy, what's all this about?
04:27-[Del] My God, it's the old bill!
04:29-[Granddad] Someone's double drop about them salmon!
04:31-[Del] Shush!
04:33Now, look, just let me do the talking.
04:40(audience laughter)
04:42Good evening, officer.
04:44Now, if it's about the tax disc,
04:45I can assure you that the new one is in the post.
04:48- It's nothing to do with your road fund license, sir.
04:51Down for a bit of fishing, are we?
04:53- Oh no, no, no, nothin' like that, no.
04:56- Then why you got three fishing rods
04:57tied to your roof rack?
04:59(audience laughter)
05:02- Uh, well, uh... - Uh, oh, no, no!
05:05'Cause you remember, we said we might
05:06do a little bit of fishing.
05:08- Oh yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah,
05:09might do, you know, just a little bit,
05:10like, you know, tiddlers. - No salmon, though.
05:13(audience laughter)
05:17- I see, you haven't given anyone a lift
05:19in the last half hour or so, have you, sir?
05:22- Uh, no.
05:25Look, what is this all about, anyway?
05:27- We just had word that a patient's escaped
05:29from the local hospital.
05:30- Escaped?
05:32What you got out here, National Health Stalags?
05:34(audience laughter) - Shh!
05:36- It's no ordinary hospital, sir.
05:38It's an institute for the criminally insane.
05:41See, this storm's brought a few power cables down,
05:44blacked out the entire area.
05:46It even put the institute's security system
05:48out of action, so this patient took his chance
05:52and made off across the moors.
05:55He's out there somewhere now.
05:58And for all I know, he could be watchin' us.
06:01(audience laughter)
06:04- What was he, uh, in there for, anyway?
06:06- 10 years ago, this very night,
06:07he killed a party of weekend fishermen.
06:10(audience laughter)
06:12- They called him the Axe-Murderer.
06:17- No, no, I didn't know, I must've been out that night.
06:21- You good people be very careful.
06:23Don't pick up any hitchhikers, don't stop for
06:25anyone no matter what the circumstances!
06:28And if you see or hear anything suspicious,
06:30phone the police immediately.
06:33Your lives may depend on it. (thunder rumbling)
06:36Right, gentlemen, have a nice weekend, won't you?
06:38- Yeah. (audience laughter)
06:47- Here, well, come on, full ahead both, Rodney.
06:49- We ain't goin' on, are we?
06:51- Yeah, of course we are.
06:53- Del, there is a crazed axe murderer out there somewhere!
06:57- I know that, Rodders, but you seem to be forgettin'
07:00that we're on a 300 quid earner!
07:03Don't worry, we'll be locked up,
07:05safe and sound, in Boycie's cottage.
07:08Anyway, there's three of us.
07:10(audience laughter)
07:12Well, there's me and you. (audience laughter)
07:17Don't worry, I'll look after ya.
07:19(audience laughter)
07:20(motor revving) (thunder rumbling)
07:26(lightning crashing)
07:55All right, Granddad?
08:00(heavy breathing)
08:05(audience laughter)
08:16-[Granddad] You're makin' me nervous!
08:18-[Rodney] Look, I didn't say I saw someone, did I,
08:21just that I saw something.
08:23-[Del] Yeah, all right, don't worry,
08:24get them lanterns goin', will you, Rodney?
08:26-[Rodney] Why, what's wrong with the lights?
08:27-[Del] There's no electric, is there?
08:28-[Rodney] Someone's been tamperin' with it!
08:30-[Del] No, look, the storm has blown
08:32the power cables over, remember?
08:34The whole area's blacked out, isn't it?
08:36-[Rodney] Oh, yeah.
08:37-[Del] Yeah, I'll see if I can find some candles
08:38in this cupboard over here.
08:48What are you doin'?
08:49- I'm phoning the law.
08:50- You're doing what, what are you tryin' to do to me?
08:54God, look, we're down here doin' a bit of fishing,
08:57the last thing we need is the local polis
08:59here sniffin' round our keep net!
09:01- Look, that copper said if we see or hear
09:03anything suspicious, phone the police immediately!
09:06Our lives could depend on it!
09:08- All right, then, who have you seen, Hawkeye?
09:10- Out, I saw... (audience laughter)
09:14A movement in the trees.
09:16- A movement?
09:17Of course you've seen a movement in the trees,
09:19there's a ruddy typhoid blowin' out there!
09:21(audience laughter)
09:25- Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.
09:26- It's all right, come on.
09:27Pull yourself together, all right?
09:28- I'll be all right. - Yeah, that's it.
09:32- It's, uh, it's a typhoon.
09:34- Ah, good idea, Rodney, put the kettle on,
09:36we'll have a nice cup of tea. (audience laughter)
09:46- Uh, Del, there's only an electric kettle out there.
09:49- Well, use a saucepan, then!
09:54- No, there ain't none. (audience laughter)
09:56- Gordon Bennett, look, come out of my way,
09:58I'll do it, look.
10:00Here, look, have a look in that sideboard,
10:01see if Boycie's left any scotch, will ya?
10:04If he hasn't, we'll have to drink mine.
10:05(audience laughter)
10:11Here you are, Rodney. (faucet running)
10:13See what I mean, there ain't no ghosties
10:14or ghoulies out here.
10:17(lightning cracking) (audience laughter)
10:22-[Granddad] Del Boy, come in here, quick!
10:24Rodney's found something.
10:27- Has he? What?
10:32Monopoly, oh... (audience laughter)
10:34Now we are all doomed!
10:35- Not the Monopoly.
10:41- Hmm, well, it's only a chopper.
10:43(audience laughter)
10:45- It's an axe. - The same thing.
10:48- No, Del, the police ain't lookin'
10:50for an escaped chopper murderer.
10:52(audience laughter)
10:54- Look, just a minute, let me ask
10:56you two something, where are we?
10:59- We're in stook. - We're in...
11:01No, we're in the country, aren't we,
11:03and country people have these things hangin' about.
11:06It's part and parcel of their lives.
11:08- All right, let me ask you something,
11:09where do you think that escaped bloke is right now?
11:12- Probably out there on them moors.
11:14- In this weather?
11:15- Yeah, well, he's mad, isn't he?
11:16- Well, he might be mad, he'd have to be
11:18bloody stupid to be out in the moors.
11:20- Exactly, and I reckon he'd have holed up somewhere.
11:24Found himself an empty place.
11:27Like this.
11:28- Yeah, but this place ain't empty, is it?
11:30- It was before we arrived, Del.
11:35- What do you reckon, all right, then?
11:36What, he's out there havin' a kip?
11:37- Well, he could be out there.
11:39- Well, I shouldn't let it worry you, Granddad,
11:40because the three bears have probably eaten him by now.
11:43(audience laughter)
11:45I mean, what is this fairy story that you're givin' me,
11:47what's the matter with you two, you been sniffin'
11:48the Bostik or something? (audience laughter)
11:50- All right, then, well why don't you go up
11:52the wooden hill to Bed for cheer and check it out?
11:58- I don't have to! (audience laughter)
12:01No, I mean, listen, would any self respecting
12:03axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks
12:06and leave his chopper in the sideboard?
12:08(audience laughter)
12:11- He might have a spare one. (audience laughter)
12:14- He's got a kit of 'em now, has he?
12:16I suppose you've got a little caddy
12:17that carries 'em around for him!
12:19And another thing, if the man of the moment
12:22is upstairs havin' a lie in, who was it that
12:24you thought you saw out there in the trees, his brother?
12:29- Oh yeah, that's right.
12:31- Can't be in two places at once.
12:33- No, 'course not.
12:35Oh, he's most probably halfway to London by now.
12:38- Yeah, of course he is, he's most probably
12:39looking for an empty place up there.
12:40- I hope he doesn't find our flat.
12:42- Will you shut up? (audience laughter)
12:45Will you just stop all this nonsense?
12:50Look, look, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound?
12:54- Uh, well, well, yeah. - Right, right, now could we
12:56just, you know, could we just, like,
12:58relax a bit now, you know?
13:00You all right, there you are.
13:03Now... (audience laughter)
13:06I wonder where the toilet is.
13:09- Uh, it's outside, I saw it as we come in.
13:11- Right.
13:15(lightning crashing)
13:19I think I'll leave it 'til the morning.
13:21(audience laughter)
13:27Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties, Rodney.
13:30- Of course it is, you own everything on the board.
13:34- No I don't, no I don't, look, you've got there
13:36Coventry Street, Granddad's got a Waterworks, and all that.
13:39Uh, yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, 2,000 pounds, please.
13:43- Two, hold on. - Eh, what?
13:46- According to this, it's only 1,500.
13:49- Yes, I know, but I put you in the
13:50penthouse suite, haven't I? (audience laughter)
13:53- I don't want the penthouse suite, do I?
13:55There you go, 1,500, that's all you're getting.
13:58- Like a big kid, isn't he?
13:59- Yeah, well, I give up on him, Granddad, I really do.
14:00- It's your go, Grandfather!
14:06Ah, Piccadilly, right, that's mine, then,
14:08I've got an hotel, so that's 1,200 pounds.
14:10- 1,200 pounds for an hotel next to a smelly old Waterworks?
14:14(audience laughter) - What?
14:16- All them sewers, I'd rather sleep in the car
14:19or look for a bed and breakfast.
14:22- No, no, you don't understand, bless him,
14:25look, no, look, look. (audience laughter)
14:27That's in the rules.
14:28- 1,200 pounds is scandalous!
14:32I ain't a tourist, you know!
14:35- Del, can you have a word with him?
14:39- Well, I think he's got a point, Rodney.
14:41I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build
14:42a hotel next to a sewage farm in the first place.
14:45I mean, let's face it, you know, your gaff's
14:47never gonna get in the Michelin Guide, is it, eh?
14:51- But the point of the...
14:55(audience laughter)
14:56Stupid bloody game! (audience laughter)
15:00- Well, that's charmin', that is, isn't it, eh?
15:01- Just 'cause you're losin'. - Oh, shut up!
15:04- You wanna learn to grow up a bit, my son.
15:06- I didn't wanna play this stupid bloody game
15:07in the first place! - Yeah, all right, here.
15:09Granddad, I think there's a hotel underneath your chair.
15:13If there's any money down there, it's mine, all right?
15:15(audience laughter)
15:17Here, look, here's a cup, there's a top hat.
15:19There's a top hat.
15:22There it is, mmm.
15:24(lightning cracking) (audience laughter)
15:37- Del...
15:39-[Del] Don't you speak to me, Rodney,
15:40I'm, I'm finished with ya!
15:42- Del, there is a man at the window.
15:46- You what?
15:48- There is a man at the window.
15:50- He ain't got a bucket and a shammy leather, has he?
15:56- I'm bein' serious, Del, there is somebody at the window.
16:05- All right, Rodney, all right.
16:08Relax, just take it easy, all right,
16:10I'll go take a look.
16:13(audience laughter)
16:22(shouts) (audience laughter)
16:27No, it's all, there's no one there, Rodney,
16:29look, there's no one out there.
16:30- He was there, Del, I swear to ya.
16:32My face was only inches from that glass.
16:33- What did he look like?
16:35- Horrible, he had these evil eyes
16:37and this grotesque, evil face.
16:41- Maybe it was a reflection.
16:43- That was no reflection, Del,
16:44I swear to God, I was as cl-,
16:47what do you mean, a reflection?
16:49- No, no, what I mean is that your imagination
16:51sometimes plays games with you, you know,
16:53it tricks you into believing that you saw
16:54something that isn't really there.
16:56- Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead!
16:59I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes!
17:01I saw the hairs comin' out of his nostrils!
17:04- Well, it might've been the shadows in the trees, Rodney.
17:07- Oh, dear God! (knocking on door)
17:13(knocking on door) -[Man] Is anyone there?
17:16- I think there's someone at the door.
17:19- No, it's probably just the shadows.
17:22- Shadows, until they start singing Summer Holidays,
17:25we'll expect the worst. (audience laughter)
17:29Who's there?
17:30-[Robson] Oh, good evening.
17:32My name's Robson, I'm chief of security at the institution.
17:35- Oh, thank God for that!
17:36- What the hell do you think you're doin'?
17:38- It's the chief of security to the hospital.
17:40- Says who?
17:41- Well, he, just this minute...
17:43(audience laughter) Oh, yeah.
17:46- He could be anybody!
17:51You, get ready.
17:56(audience laughter)
17:59- Well? - Well, what?
18:01(audience laughter)
18:03- Was that him? - Who?
18:04- The face at the window!
18:06- I don't know, I didn't look.
18:08- You wally!
18:09- You never said what you was gonna do!
18:11-[Robson] Is everything all right?
18:12- Yeah, all right, we'll give you a minute, Chief!
18:14I'll do it again, and this time you take a good look!
18:17- All right. - All right?
18:21- Good evening. (audience laughter)
18:25- Well? - No, it's not.
18:26- You sure?
18:27- Yeah, I'm positive, that is definitely not him.
18:29- All right, good.
18:32Do come in, Chief.
18:33- Thank you.
18:35- There we are. - Appalling weather.
18:36- Yes.
18:37Sorry about leavin' you standin' out there,
18:39but we can't be too sure, can you, you know?
18:41We thought you might've been a double glazing salesman.
18:43- What? Oh, yes.
18:44Well, if you'd like to see some identification,
18:46there's everything there, from my driver's license
18:48to my blood donors card.
18:49- Oh yeah, no, no, that's all right, that's all right.
18:51Rodney, fix the chief a drink, will you?
18:54So, you haven't caught him yet, then?
18:56- Unfortunately, no.
18:57We've extended the search up to this area now.
18:59We have the entire police forces of three counties
19:02out looking for him, I was passing,
19:04saw a light, what exactly are you gentlemen doing here?
19:07- Uh, we're on a fishing trip.
19:10(audience laughter)
19:13- I, uh, don't suppose you've seen anything?
19:16- Well, other than a face at the window, nothing.
19:19- Face at the window?
19:20- Yeah, well, I mean, Rodney here reckoned
19:22he saw a face at the window and I don't know
19:24whether to believe him or not.
19:25- Oh, I saw him, Del.
19:26I was only sorta, like, three inches away from him.
19:28- Uh, could you describe him for me?
19:30- Yeah, of course I could, he was about 50,
19:33he had this gaunt, hungered expression,
19:36you know, and his eyes were like wild animals.
19:38- Yeah, and he got, what, he had, like,
19:40hair out of his nostrils, yeah?
19:41- Oh yeah, there was all that.
19:43- You're quite certain it wasn't a reflection?
19:45(audience laughter)
19:48- Look, it was not a reflection.
19:50- I'm sorry, but at times like these,
19:51people's imaginations run amok.
19:53Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone.
19:57What was the color of his hair?
20:00- What, un-, y-, un-...
20:03- No, on his head.
20:04- Oh, uh, gray.
20:06- Ah, sounds like my man.
20:08When exactly did this happen?
20:10- Well, just now, a minute or so before you arrived.
20:12- Hmm, he must've seen me.
20:14- You reckon he's still out there, then?
20:16- Oh no, he'd be long gone by now.
20:18It's the uniform, you see, he's terrified
20:21of people in authority.
20:22Well, after 10 years in an institution, who wouldn't be?
20:26- Yeah, well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock.
20:30(audience laughter)
20:31Chief, do you mind if I asked you something?
20:34- What's that?
20:35- Well, is it safe for me to go to the carsey?
20:37(audience laughing)
20:38I mean, it's outside.
20:39- Oh, you're perfectly safe.
20:41He'd be a long way away by now.
20:42- Oh good, right, that's all right, then.
20:49(thunder rumbling)
20:52- Well, go on then, Del, there's nothing
20:53to be frightened of now!
20:55- I know, but you don't have to go out there, do ya?
20:57- Well, you heard what the chief said,
20:58go on, there's no need to worry!
21:01- All right, all right.
21:03- All right!
21:07(audience laughter)
21:11He's such a worrier. (audience laughter)
21:14(thunder clapping)
21:28(audience laughter)
21:30- You weren't frightened at all?
21:32- Me? No.
21:33No, because, you see, in the past I have done
21:36work for the mentally disturbed.
21:39- He went out selling flags one Saturday.
21:41(audience laughter)
21:43- Well, yeah, but I can actually sympathize
21:46with this guy's problems.
21:48- Sympathize, but he's a psycho!
21:51- Have you any idea what a psycho,
21:53as you so eloquently put it, is?
21:55- Course I have!
21:56He's a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
21:59(audience laughter)
22:06(toilet flushing)
22:12(thunder clapping)
22:15(door slamming) (audience laughter)
22:22(thunder clapping)
22:27(audience laughter)
22:28- Bloody hell's bells!
22:31Rodney, Granddad!
22:33Come out here, quick! Bring some rope!
22:38- Yeah, so then, right, I grabbed the axe
22:40out of his hands and I cracked him good
22:42and hard on the jaw so obviously he went down, right?
22:45Then I tied him up good and tight,
22:47and we bundled him in the back of the van!
22:49- Well, good work, lad, you say
22:50you caught him single-handed?
22:51- Yeah.
22:53(audience laughter)
22:55Well, um, no.
22:57Uh, Dels, my brother back at the cottage,
22:59he helped a bit.
23:01- You're too modest, Rodney. (audience laughter)
23:03- Well, there could be a medal in this.
23:06- Well...
23:08- Right, get ready, lads.
23:09This one could be a handful.
23:16Is this some kind of joke?
23:18- What do you mean?
23:19- This is no escaped lunatic,
23:21this is Tom Whitten, the gamekeeper!
23:23And you shouldn't have gagged him like that,
23:25he suffers from asthma! (audience laughter)
23:28- Oy, now, hold on a minute, the chief of security
23:31from the institution itself said it was him.
23:33- What chief of security? - What's his name, Robson.
23:37I mean, you can ask him yourself,
23:39he's back at the cottage with Del.
23:41- Chief Robson is not at the cottage,
23:43he's at the hospital.
23:45The escaped man hit him on the head,
23:47then stole his uniform and his identity papers.
23:50(audience laughter)
23:53- Well, I still reckon we should've gone with 'em.
23:55- Oh no, it was imperative I made out my report immediately.
23:58And, after all, I needed you here with me.
24:01You were the one that recaptured him.
24:02- Well, yes, um, I suppose, yeah.
24:06Hey, what do you say we have a nice
24:06little drink to celebrate, huh?
24:09Well, the old weather's clearin' up nicely.
24:11Look at that, it's a full moon.
24:14(audience laughter)
24:18Oh, there you go, Chief.
24:20(phone ringing) Oh, excuse me.
24:24Yes, hello?
24:25Oh, hello, Rodders? Did you get there all right?
24:28Yeah.
24:30(audience laughter)
24:36He's what? (audience laughter)
24:42No.
24:45You all right?
24:48The chief's just standin' there, you know.
24:50Examinin' his axe.
24:54Yeah, all right, well, you'll hurry back, won't you?
24:58All right, goodbye.
25:04Oh, he just phoned out, you know,
25:06to tell us he got there all right.
25:08- Good.
25:10Do you like fish?
25:11- What? - Do you like fish?!
25:13- Oh yeah, yeah, a little bit of salt
25:14and vinegar, they're lovely.
25:16- I only like living fish.
25:19Fish that swim in the rivers and the seas.
25:22I don't like people that kill them.
25:24- No, no, no, I do-, I don't like that sort, meself...
25:27- But I saw fishing rods on your van!
25:29- No, no, no, don't belong to me,
25:30they belong to my brother and my granddad,
25:32I mean, I keep telling them, I beg 'em
25:33not to hurt the poor little fishies,
25:35I mean, I only come down here for the fresh air!
25:37(takes deep breath) (audience laughter)
25:40- Good.
25:43Do you like snooker?
25:46(audience laughter)
25:48- Snooker? - Yes!
25:51- Do you? - Oh, yes.
25:52- So do I, it's terrific, isn't it?
25:53(audience laughter) - Shall we play a game?
25:58- What, snooker? - Yes!
26:01- Yeah, yeah, all right.
26:03Um, I'll tell you what, I'll just pop out to the shed
26:06at the bottom of the garden, 'cause I think I remember
26:08seein' a snooker table in there, all right?
26:11- No need!
26:15We'll use this one, here.
26:19(audience laughter)
26:21- Oh yeah.
26:22What, you mean, this one here, you mean?
26:24- Yes! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
26:28(blowing) (audience laughter)
26:30(helicopter whirring) Thank God for that.
26:32- Is that a police helicopter?
26:33- No, you're all right!
26:35It's Barratt's. (audience laughter)
26:42- Good.
26:47You can break.
26:52- Um, I'll tell you what, um, why don't
26:55I put that somewhere safe,
26:58'cause you won't be able to hold your
26:59cue properly with that in your hand, will ya?
27:06- Ah!
27:09I suppose you're right.
27:10- Yeah, of course I am.
27:12You know it makes sense. (audience laughter)
27:18- Which cue would you like?
27:23- Um (chuckles)...
27:27(audience laughter)
27:32I'll have this one.
27:33- Good, this is my favorite.
27:37- You can see it's a good'un, can't ya?
27:41- I'm not very good at snooker, I always lose.
27:44- I've got a feeling you're gonna win this one.
27:45- I hope not!
27:48I don't like winning!
27:49My father used to force me to win at everything I did,
27:52but people challenge winners.
27:54You become vulnerable, you feel open to attack.
27:58Do you know the feeling?
27:59- Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean, yeah.
28:02- The losers are anonymous.
28:05No one wants to challenge a loser.
28:08There's something comforting in defeat.
28:12I really like losing.
28:16- Do ya?
28:19Well, what do you say we make this
28:20game a little more interesting?
28:23Shall we play for a tenner a frame?
28:26- Oh, all right.
28:28- Got a feeling that this weekend is not gonna
28:30be a total loss after all. (audience laughter)
28:32- Sorry? - Nothing!
28:34Got a chalk? (audience laughter)
28:37Thanks.
28:39(squeaking) (upbeat rock music)
28:42(audience applause)
28:46♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
28:48♫ And miles and miles of country tiles
28:49♫ TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs
28:52♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
28:55♫ And at a push, some Trevor Francis tracksuits
28:57♫ From a mush in Shepherd's Bush,
28:58♫ Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush
29:01♫ No income tax, no VAT
29:04♫ No money back, no guarantee
29:08♫ Black or white, and rich or poor
29:11♫ Oh, we'll cut prices at a stroke
29:15♫ God bless Hooky Street
29:18♫ Viva Hooky Street
29:21♫ Long live Hooky Street
29:24♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
29:28♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
29:32♫ Hooky Street
29:35♫ Hooky Street
29:38♫ Hooky Street