Only Fools and Horses S03E07 — Whos a Pretty Boy

Every line from “Whos a Pretty Boy” (835 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from
00:19♫ Is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la, la la la la,
00:36♫ La la la, la la la la
00:56- Here, look who's here, look, Phil the Flooter.
01:00- Oi, now don't you go winding him up.
01:02There could be rivers of blood.
01:04- Yeah, there will be rivers of blood.
01:05Look at the way he tucked us up with that paint last week.
01:08Here, just shove that on the meter.
01:10And I'll see you inside in a minute, alright?
01:14(studio audience laughing)
01:17Hello Ranji my son, how are you, alright?
01:20Here, I saw your missus on Tuesday,
01:22she's got a terrible spot on her forehead ain't she?
01:23(studio audience laughing)
01:26- Hello sweetheart.
01:26- Alright? - Yeah.
01:27He's a nice bloke you know, that Ranji.
01:30He took me and Rodney over to Southall last week.
01:32They was holding this Asian song contest.
01:34- Is that right?
01:35- Yeah, bloke called Singh won it.
01:36(studio audience laughing)
01:38Singh.
01:39- What do you want, usual?
01:40- Yeah, Campari and diet coke please.
01:45How's the new governor treating you?
01:47- Oh, he's alright. - Yeah?
01:48- Did you know we're having this place done up?
01:50- Are you?
01:50About time it was redecorated.
01:52Last time it was done they had to keep stopping
01:54'cause of the Zepplin raids.
01:55(studio audience laughing)
01:57- Look who's here, look, there he is,
01:58Paddy McIntee's goat.
02:00- Are you alright Del?
02:01- Alright?
02:02What do you mean alright?
02:02After that paint you sold me.
02:04- Was there something wrong with it?
02:05- It was supposed to be apple white.
02:07- And what was it?
02:07- Battleship gray.
02:08(studio audience laughing)
02:10- Well there's a thing.
02:11I'll tell you what.
02:12If, on my travels, I come across someone who wants
02:14their battleship painted, I'll put 'em in touch.
02:17- You do that, you do, you're a right
02:19con merchant you are aren't you, eh?
02:21I don't know how people like you can live with yourselves.
02:23Really, I don't-- - Oi,
02:24you know that over-coat you sold my dad?
02:26- Yeah?
02:27- It's got a great big hump in the back.
02:28- Well of course, it's genuine camel-hair innit.
02:30(studio audience laughing)
02:33- I'll tell him that.
02:35- Yeah, yeah, alright, alright,
02:37I'll let you off the paint, this time.
02:38Here, I thought
02:39you was going back to Dublin's fair city?
02:40- I was,
02:41till the brewery decided
02:43to have this place re-decorated.
02:45- Oh and you've got the contract have you?
02:46- As good as.
02:48I've arranged it with the governor
02:50that mine's the lowest estimate.
02:52See you Del.
02:53Oh, by the way.
02:54If you come across young Denzil,
02:56tell him I tried to phone him twice last night
02:58but I haven't got his number.
02:59- Right.
03:00Here just a minute,
03:04has he got your phone number?
03:05- No.
03:06- I'll tell him to phone you then.
03:07- Thanks. (studio audience laughing)
03:09Oi, just a minute, just a minute.
03:11Here, what do you want with Denzil anyway?
03:14Oh, he's after having me decorate his front room.
03:16It'll be a couple of hundred to
03:17take back to the old country.
03:19- Here, well listen, when you go back to the old country
03:21don't eat any of them carrots.
03:24- Why's that?
03:24- They've got potato-blight.
03:26- Would you believe it.
03:27- No.
03:30- Are you alright there Rodney?
03:32- Yes, yes, terrific, thank you Brendan.
03:35- Were you happy with that paint I got you last week?
03:38- The paint?
03:39Yeah, ace.
03:40(studio audience laughing)
03:41- Good.
03:43I'll see you around then.
03:44- Oh yeah.
03:45Yeah, you take care of yourself.
03:51I don't know how I managed to keep my hands off him.
03:53(studio audience laughing)
03:56- Come on, drink up, we're going.
03:57- What do you mean drink up?
03:58I haven't had a drink yet.
03:59- Good, I don't want you falling off the ladder.
04:02- What ladder?
04:03- The ladder round at Denzil's place.
04:05- Del, what the hell are you talking about?
04:06- We're doing up Denzil's front room.
04:08- You never told me.
04:10- I know, I couldn't, I mean, be fair Rodney,
04:13I haven't even told Denzil yet.
04:15Come on.
04:16(upbeat singing)
04:19Del, I've told you before
04:20and I'm gonna tell you again,
04:21we should have nothing to do with it.
04:23-[Del] I know, but Denzil's no good at papering
04:25and painting and that sort of thing.
04:27- Well that makes three of us.
04:28- Look, no, you seem to forget that Grandad
04:30used to be a decorator for the council.
04:32- Del, that was in 1924.
04:34He used to go to work on a horse.
04:37And even then he got the sack after two days
04:39for wallpapering over a serving hatch.
04:42Oi, that's another thing,
04:44how do you think Denzil's wife's
04:45gonna react after what you did to her last year?
04:47- Now Rodney, that's all in the past,
04:50Corinne's a sensible girl,
04:51it's forgive and forget, that's her.
04:53Anyway, give us a chance
04:54to get even with that Paddy,
04:55I'd love to take a couple of hundred off him.
04:57Anyway you never know,
04:58we might be able to get shot of that paint.
04:59- Oh yeah.
05:00I mean everyone's having their woodwork
05:01done in battleship gray nowadays.
05:04- But you don't know.
05:05Corinne and Denzil may quite like it.
05:07- Del, you'll make their front room
05:09look like the conning tower of the Ark Royal.
05:11(studio audience laughing)
05:12- Oh, shut up you tart.
05:14(studio audience laughing)
05:15- Come on Sylvester, talk to, Denzil.
05:18Say Viv Richards is King.
05:20(studio audience laughing)
05:21Come on, let me hear them golden tones.
05:24Come on.
05:26Ah, you stupid ras bird.
05:28(doorbell ringing)
05:30Alright, I'm coming.
05:31- You'll have sailors doing the hornpipe,
05:33jump-jets landing of the sofa.
05:35- Will you shut up Rodney?
05:37- Del my man!
05:39- Denzil my son, how are you?
05:41-[Denzil] Come in.
05:43- Yeah, great.
05:44I haven't seen you for ages, where have you been?
05:46- Well, you know me, here, there
05:47and everywhere, ducking and diving.
05:49- Rodney, you're looking good.
05:51- Yeah.
05:52(studio audience laughing)
05:55He's cool, I like it.
05:57I tell you, if he wasn't so white I'd swear he was black.
06:00(studio audience laughing)
06:01- Yeah, he is white ain't he.
06:03-[Denzil] He's the whitest man
06:04I've ever seen in all my life.
06:06- I'm not ever so white.
06:07- You are.
06:09You'd make an albino look bronzed.
06:12- Here, grab one of these each.
06:13- Oh, here Denzil, Corinne ain't about, is she?
06:16- No, no, she's round her sister's.
06:18- Oh that' alright.
06:18- Hey, you ain't still worried
06:19about what happened are you?
06:21Come on Del, she's forgotten all about that now.
06:23Anyway, what brings you round?
06:24- No, we was just passing through,
06:26and I thought we'd call in.
06:27Hre have you had this place done up?
06:28- No.
06:29- No, I didn't think you had.
06:31- We're getting it decorated soon though.
06:33Corinnes' been at me for ages about it,
06:35but I'm no good at that sort of thing
06:37so I got the Irishman to do it.
06:38- Oh Brendan?
06:39Oh well, you can't go far wrong with him Denzil.
06:41He's a good man.
06:43Here, did you hear about that house
06:44he did up in, where was it, Kings' Avenue?
06:47He made a beautiful job of it so I hear.
06:48Mind you I only saw it after the fire.
06:51(studio audience laughing)
06:56Who's a pretty boy?
06:57He's a lovely boy, ain't he?
06:58Is he yours Denzil?
06:59- No, he's Corinne's,
07:01she's had him for a few years, what fire?
07:05You mean the house burnt down?
07:06Yeah, but don't get me wrong,
07:07it wasn't Brendan's fault.
07:08I mean, look, I know a lot of blokes
07:09who like a couple of pints at dinner time.
07:11And it's very easy to forget where you
07:12left your blow-lamp.
07:13(studio audience laughing)
07:15- So it was accidental then?
07:16- Oh yeah.
07:17It was an accident,
07:19even the coroner said so.
07:21- Coroner?
07:22- Yeah.
07:23- Right, that's it,
07:24I'm having no drunken Irishman falling about
07:25my living-room with a lighted blow-lamp.
07:28No way.
07:29- Oh my god.
07:30Oh I wish I hadn't said nothing now,
07:32(studio audience laughing)
07:34oh I feel really bad about this,
07:36you know what, with Brendan being a mate an' all.
07:38Look, never mind Denzil.
07:40Look on the bright side,
07:41he might not burn your place down.
07:44- Yeah, well I'm taking no chances Del,
07:46I'm getting somebody else to do the job.
07:48- Oh well.
07:49Well, it's up to you.
07:50I mean, as I always used to say to my customers
07:52when I was in the painting and decorating game,
07:53I used to say, "It's your money, it's your choice."
07:57- You never told me you used to
07:58be a painter and decorator?
08:00- Oh yeah, yeah, it's been the family trade
08:01for generations, ain't it Rodney?
08:04- Eh?
08:05Yeah.
08:05- See.
08:06But demand got too much,
08:07we had to give it up in the end.
08:11- Listen, couldn't you just
08:12do this living room for us?
08:14- What this?
08:15Oh no, no, no, sorry mate, no, no,
08:17you know, we've given the game up now.
08:19- Oh come on Del.
08:20Corinne's been bending my ear about it for ages.
08:22Just this one room yeah?
08:28(studio audience laughing)
08:30No, no.
08:31No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
08:33If I do it for you
08:34I've got to do it for all the others, haven't I?
08:35- Del, for a mate in trouble.
08:38Please.
08:42- Alright, just for you though.
08:44- Cheers Del, you're a pal.
08:46- I don't know.
08:46I don't know what it is with you.
08:47You manage to twist me right round
08:48your little finger, don't you?
08:51- When can you start?
08:52- First thing in the morning.
08:53A hundred up front, we supply the paint and that's extra.
08:55- Done. - And you will be.
08:57(studio audience laughing)
08:58-[Denzil] I'll get some more drinks.
09:00- Good,
09:01Rodney, eh Rodney, nice little earner, eh?
09:04- I don't think I'm ever so white.
09:06(studio audience laughing)
09:08- You are, you look like a blood donor
09:09who couldn't say no.
09:10(studio audience laughing)
09:14- Hiya.
09:15- Hi hon.
09:17- Hello baby, have you missed me?
09:22Denzil!
09:23(studio audience laughing)
09:24What the hell is he doing in my home?
09:28- Hello Corinne, you look as lovely as ever.
09:31- Del just popped in to say hi hon.
09:33- Did he really?
09:34Hello, there's the door.
09:35(studio audience laughing)
09:36- There's the door.
09:37She's a card, ain't she?
09:39- And what's he doing?
09:43- I want you to tell me the truth Corinne.
09:45Am I white?
09:46(studio audience laughing)
09:47- Denzil, have you and Rodney
09:49been at the funny fags?
09:51- No, honest hon, we haven't,
09:52we've just got some drinks that's all.
09:55- I go round my sister's to see how she is
09:57after having the stitches out,
09:59and I come back to find my home full of crazy people.
10:02- Oh come on babe, be friendly.
10:04Del's gonna do the decorating for us.
10:05- He's what?
10:07- Well, I blew the Irishman out,
10:08I mean I've heard bad things about him.
10:10- Denzil, how can you trust this man?
10:13Every time you meet him
10:14you end up drunk or out of pocket.
10:16- Yeah I know, but he's a mate.
10:17(studio audience laughing)
10:20- Would a mate sell you an overcoat
10:22like the one he sold you?
10:23- Oh now, come on, be fair Corinne,
10:25that was a very nice overcoat,
10:27looked like it was made to measure.
10:29- Yeah, for the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
10:33And what about the time
10:33he offered to do the catering or us?
10:35- Oh, now don't bring that up honey please.
10:38- That was our wedding Denzil!
10:43What was it we were supposed to have Del?
10:46Lobster vol-au-vents.
10:47- Lobster vol-au-vents.
10:48- Game pie.
10:49- Yes, game pie.
10:50- Kidneys with saffron rice,
10:53beef and anchovy savouries.
10:55- Philadelphia Truffles.
10:57- And what did we end up with?
10:59Pie 'n' chips all round.
11:00(studio audience laughing)
11:02- Now I explained all that Corinne, didn't I?
11:03The fridge went on the blink
11:05and all the goodies went manky.
11:08- And what about our three-tier wedding cake?
11:11- Yeah, well, that was in the freezer
11:12with all the other gear.
11:13I mean the icing melted, it dripped everywhere.
11:16- Yeah, yeah, that's true Corinne,
11:17by the end of the week it looked like a big candle.
11:21- I thought you said she'd forgotten about all this.
11:23- How can I forget it?
11:24I have to live with
11:25that wedding album the rest of my life.
11:28How many times have you seen a picture
11:30of a bride and groom cutting a jam sponge?
11:32(studio audience laughing)
11:36- Oh be fair, Corinne, be fair.
11:38He only got that at the 11th hour,
11:41otherwise it could have been an eccles cake.
11:42(studio audience laughing)
11:45- You want 'em to do the decorating
11:47then you let 'em.
11:49But I promise you this Denzil,
11:50if anything goes wrong
11:52I'll make you wish your mother
11:54had had a headache the night you was conceived.
12:01(smashing)
12:05(loud smashing)
12:11- She's a little treasure ain't she?
12:12(studio audience laughing)
12:16Come on Rodney, let's leave the love-birds alone.
12:18Talking about birds, you just make sure that Buzzby's
12:20in the kitchen tomorrow 'cause of the paint fumes.
12:23Leave the key under the mat.
12:25Cheer up Denzil, you know it makes sense.
12:28Come on, let's get out of here.
12:30(studio audience laughing)
12:33That'll keep us out of trouble
12:34for a couple of days.
12:37- Look, I know I'm white,
12:38but I'm no whiter than anyone else.
12:39(studio audience laughing)
12:40- You are, you're whiter than Denzil.
12:43- Kunta Kinte's whiter than Denzil.
12:45- Here, we might be able to earn
12:46a couple of bob out of this.
12:48- How?
12:49- We could hire you out for hauntings.
12:51- I'm starting to get more wild Del.
12:53- Now listen, you'd do very well
12:54in one of them Mickey Mouse seances.
12:55You know where you have to appear
12:56through a thin veil of gauze.
12:57You could say, "I am Rodney, the anaemic ghost."
13:01Wait, that's my hat!
13:03You saucy little git.
13:04Oh no, it's gone under a bus now.
13:07I'll put you under that ruddy bus.
13:10- They ain't got a serving hatch have they?
13:15- No, no, it's alright, don't worry.
13:19Alright, come on Rodney.
13:20Now get them dust sheets
13:21all over this furniture, will you.
13:26- Hey, look Corinne's left a note.
13:31Leave the telly alone,
13:33don't eat the fruit and stay out of the kitchen.
13:36Leave the telly alone and don't eat the fruit.
13:39What sort of people does she think we are?
13:41Yeah, she's got us tagged all wrong, ain't she.
13:45- Here, look at the time,
13:46it's half past nine, come on Rodney,
13:47put the kettle on, we'll have a cup of tea.
13:49- Del, she said stay out of the kitchen.
13:51Now I reckon you're taking liberties.
13:53- Well, everyone's entitled to a cup of tea Rodney,
13:56I mean, it's in the Magna Carta or something.
13:59- That's right taking liberties, I ask yer.
14:01Here, while you're out there
14:02have a look in the cupboard
14:03and see if there are any Jaffa cakes going.
14:05Go on, go on.
14:07Don't worry Grandad,
14:08we'll soon have this job finished.
14:09- Yeah, soon as Rodney pulls his finger out.
14:11-[Del] Yeah.
14:22- If this gets a bit much for you Del,
14:24you have a nice sit down, eh?
14:26Yes, alright, alright, Rodney, thank you.
14:27Go on, get going, get going,
14:29we'll never have finished at this.
14:30Hello, Ginger?
14:32Del Boy.
14:33How are you going my son?
14:35Oh no, we're all fine,
14:36no we're absolutely fine here.
14:38Well, Rodney's looking a bit pale.
14:40(studio audience laughing)
14:42Apart from that we're alright.
14:43How's the family?
14:45Oh triffic.
14:46- Ginger?
14:47Who's he talking to, Ginger Ted?
14:48- Yeah it sounds like it.
14:50- Has he come back from Canada then?
14:52- What's the weather like out there?
14:53- No.
14:54- The time.
14:55It's just gone half past 10.
14:58What, is it really?
15:00Cor, go on.
15:02No I'll tell you what, no, you go back to sleep,
15:04yeah, I'll give you a bell tomorrow, alright.
15:08And I'll leave it a bit later like.
15:09Yeah, alright, see yer pal.
15:11It's alright.
15:12Cor look at that, it's marvelous ain't it, eh?
15:13All the way to Vancouver and
15:15it's as clear as a bell,
15:17yeah, well, it's modern space
15:18technology innit, eh?
15:20I've just been bounced off a satellite.
15:23- If Corinne finds out
15:24she'll bounce you off Chelsea Bridge.
15:27- Oi you, where's my tea?
15:29- What tea?
15:31- Well I asked you about an hour ago
15:32to put the kettle on to have a
15:34cup of Darjeeling, remember?
15:35- Oh god, yeah, I forgot all about it.
15:39Bloody hell, I left the kettle on the gas.
15:42- Oh stone me Rodney,
15:44I don't know what's the matter with him sometimes,
15:45he seems to live in a world of his own.
15:48Oh no!
15:50- Here Del. - What?
15:50-[Grandad] Supposing the steam starts the
15:52wallpaper peeling.
15:53- Oh that's charming that, isn't it.
15:54We come round here to do the living room
15:56and end up stripping the kitchen.
15:57Oh Del, I can hardly breathe.
16:00- You may not ever breathe again
16:02if this wallpaper's ruined.
16:03Oh look, condensation is everywhere.
16:06Quick, get me a cloth.
16:07-[Grandad] Yeah I'll open the window.
16:09- That's right, go on Grandad.
16:11If we tidy this place up
16:12maybe she might never notice.
16:14She might notice the kettle.
16:15(studio audience laughing)
16:17- Gordon Bennett, I don't believe it.
16:21Put it back.
16:21Say nothing.
16:22She might blame Denzil.
16:24-[Grandad] Del Boy, come and have a look at this.
16:26- No, we're busy Grandad.
16:27- Look, I'm sorry about all this Del,
16:29it's just what with all the other work
16:30in there and then you come--
16:32- Alright, alright, alright, Rodney.
16:33It's no good going on.
16:34It's just one of them things.
16:36Accidents will happen.
16:37- Yeah, cheers.
16:39- Del, Del look.
16:43It's the bird.
16:50He don't look very well to me.
16:56That is most probably due to the fact Grandad
16:58that he is stone-dead.
17:01You dozy little twonk Rodney.
17:05- Hold on, just now you said
17:06it was an easy mistake to make.
17:08- Yeah, it is if you're bloody stupid.
17:11- It might not be completely dead.
17:13- It might not be completely dead,
17:15it's just been sauteed.
17:18What is Corinne gonna say when she
17:19comes back and finds out what you
17:20have done to her little pet?
17:22- Well I wouldn't mind seeing her face
17:24when she gets her next telephone bill.
17:26- Look at this big hole you've made in the kettle.
17:28- Well, it's not as big as the hole you made
17:29in them Jaffa Cakes is it.
17:31- Will you two pack it in?
17:35We've gotta think of a way out of this.
17:38- I've got it, I've got it,
17:40we could say it was caused by paint fumes.
17:43- Paint fumes.
17:45Paint fumes.
17:46When Corinne comes back in here
17:48she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered,
17:50her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath
17:52and she's got a Kentucky Fried canary
17:54at the bottom of that cage.
17:57And we're gonna say paint fumes.
18:01- Yeah, you're right.
18:05- I'll tell you what we'll do,
18:06Rodney and I, we'll try and clear this place up.
18:08Grandad, I want you to go down the High Street
18:09and I want you to get a packet of Jaffa Cakes
18:11and a canary.
18:12- Where do I get a canary from?
18:14- Why don't you try the boot mender's.
18:16- Don't you get saucy Rodney,
18:17you ain't too big to get a slap round the head.
18:19- Oi, oi, will you stop it you two.
18:20We haven't got much time now, go on.
18:22- Well, how much is a canary?
18:24- Well how the bleedin' hell do I know?
18:28Here, look, take the lot.
18:29Go on and make sure you don't get mugged.
18:33And make sure it looks,
18:34and make sure you get a canary,
18:36you know and a yellow one.
18:38- Yeah, we don't want a budgie or a parrot.
18:40- No, you want a canary don't you?
18:42- Yes, alright, write it down for him Rodney.
18:44Write it down.
18:46- It's alright Del, I'll remember.
18:47Yellow canary.
18:48- Go on and hurry up then.
18:50A yellow canary, a yellow canary.
18:52Yellow canary.
18:56- Well I suppose it could have been worse.
19:02- Could it?
19:03- Well if you're gonna be like that, no.
19:07- I'll tell you what we're gonna do, right.
19:09If we clean this place up, polish the kettle,
19:12put a new canary in the cage,
19:14maybe Corinne won't suspect anything.
19:18Grandad's the one that worries me.
19:21How do you mean?
19:22Oh, it's I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach,
19:25he's gonna come back with a goldfish.
19:27(studio audience laughing)
19:37-[Grandad] Louis.
19:38I need a canary, quick.
19:40- Hey Grandad, it's a long time, eh?
19:44You sit down for a while.
19:45- No.
19:46I ain't got time.
19:47- You want a drink?
19:49- No, I want a canary.
19:51This is an emergency.
19:53- Emergency?
19:54I've never sold an emergency canary before.
19:57I'll tell you what I've got for
19:58you, I gotta lovely greenfinch.
20:01She's beautiful.
20:02- No, I want a canary.
20:06- You want a bird of paradise.
20:09- Is it a canary?
20:11- No.
20:13- Well I don't want it then.
20:14- Alright, alright, stay calm,
20:16now please what do you want?
20:18- I want a canary.
20:19- He wants a canary,
20:22I've only got one canary.
20:25I'll take it.
20:26- No, no, it's not as simple as that.
20:28This is my canary.
20:31This is Arturo,
20:34he is my own pet.
20:38- Can't you sell him?
20:40- No, he's been with me for years.
20:43He's like one of the family,
20:45he's my own flesh and blood.
20:49- I'll give you 45 pounds.
20:51- Okey-dokey, Ciao Arturo.
21:03-[Corinne] Hello, grandad.
21:04- Oh, hello Corinne love.
21:06Smashing weather ain't it?
21:08- Yeah.
21:09I thought you was back at the flat?
21:10I am.
21:12What I mean is I just popped out to get something to eat.
21:16(studio audience laughing)
21:20- You going home straight away?
21:22- No I've got a bit more shopping to do.
21:25- Oh good.
21:26Well, I'll see you back there later love.
21:35-[Del] That thing cost 50 quid?
21:37(studio audience laughing)
21:39-[Grandad] Yeah.
21:41I mean, they was much cheaper in my day and age.
21:44- I thought they was much cheaper in this day and age.
21:47I mean for 50 sovs
21:47you could at least have got a bigger one.
21:50- No, no, 'cause then Corinne
21:51would have known the difference.
21:53You see to us it's just a canary,
21:55but to her it's a personal friend.
21:58We ought to double check it you know
22:00make sure it ain't got no distinguishing features.
22:03- You mean like freckles or a birthmark?
22:05(studio audience laughing)
22:07- Del if this one is different
22:08she'll twig it straight away.
22:10- Grandad, go down the vet's and see
22:12if you can get his dental records.
22:14Sit down, sit down.
22:15(studio audience laughing)
22:20Look soppy, unless the other one had got
22:22a dimple in its chin and a beer gut,
22:24no one's gonna be none the wiser.
22:27Now, come on, let's get back in that other room
22:28and make it look as though we've done something today.
22:30(door jiggling)
22:32That's her, quick, go on get up the stairs.
22:35Grandad, against the wall, go on.
22:37That's it, go on, go on.
22:38That's the way Rodney, lots of care.
22:40That's right, I want this to be a 100% luxurious job.
22:44I want this place to look like a palace
22:46for Denzil and Corinne when the,
22:48oh, hello Corinne,
22:50how are you sweetheart?
22:52- I'm fine thanks.
22:53-[Rodney] Good.
22:54- Do you want a cup of tea?
22:55- No! - No!
22:56(studio audience laughing)
22:58- Alright, don't bite my head off,
23:00I only asked if you wanted a cup of tea.
23:02- No, no, it's alright, Corinne.
23:03No it's just that we're like Magnus Mackeson,
23:05you know we've started so we'll finish.
23:07(studio audience laughing)
23:08- Yeah, it's sort of personal pride
23:10with us Trotters.
23:13- Okay, please yourselves.
23:17She's gonna twig it, I know she is.
23:20- No Rodney, just, you know,
23:22just have faith in me will yer.
23:25There is no way in a million years
23:27that she is gonna suspect.
23:28- What's happened to my canary?
23:32- On the other hand.
23:34- What's up love?
23:35- Listen to me, listen to me,
23:36if that thing's laid an egg I'm gonna kill you.
23:38(studio audience laughing)
23:41- Look.
23:43- Well, he seems alright to me love.
23:45- Yeah, there's nothing wrong with him.
23:47- Yeah look at him he's hopping about
23:49all over the place like a good one.
23:50- Yeah, I know that, but when I woke up
23:51this morning he was dead.
23:53(studio audience laughing)
24:10- I never did like that Corinne.
24:12- No, fancy chucking us out like that.
24:15- Yeah, I mean what did she expect?
24:18How many decorating firms does she know
24:20that give you a free canary with every job?
24:22(studio audience laughing)
24:24- I shouldn't imagine there's many Del.
24:26- No.
24:27And was she satisfied?
24:30I said, "Was she satisfied?"
24:32- No. - No.
24:32- Of course she wasn't.
24:34- Why didn't she just bury the thing this morning?
24:37- She was too upset weren't she?
24:38That's why she was waiting for Denzil to come home.
24:42- She could of at least told us
24:43it was laying in state in the kitchen.
24:45(studio audience laughing)
24:46- She wasn't there was she.
24:48That's why she left the note.
24:49Please do not go in the kitchen.
24:52Look she ain't blaming us
24:53for the demise of Buzzby.
24:56I think what really got up her nose
24:57was when she went to make a cup of coffee
24:59and flooded the kitchen.
25:01(studio audience laughing)
25:03- She turned own my offer of a brand-new kettle.
25:05Didn't she?
25:06- Didn't have a tenner on her.
25:09- I could have paid on the weekly.
25:13- Are you alright Del?
25:14- Yeah, hello Brendan.
25:16- Rodney.
25:18- Do you reckon he knows Del Boy?
25:21- No.
25:22Corinne's not the sort to broadcast it.
25:24♫ I thought I saw a puddy cat
25:28♫ A creeping up on me
25:31Mouthy cow.
25:34- I was talking to Eye-talian Louis,
25:37he told me he sold you
25:38a flea-bitten canary for 45 pounds.
25:42(laughing)
25:46- 45 pounds?
25:48- What did I say then Del?
25:50- What did you say?
25:51- Don't worry Del,
25:53I've taken over the job at Denzil's flat.
25:55But it'll cost him a bit more now you amateurs
25:58have been playing around with it.
26:01- Do you know what Rodney?
26:03If that Brendan wasn't so big,
26:04I'd give him a right seeing to.
26:05- Yeah, so would I.
26:07- Well you're as tall as he is, Rodney.
26:10(studio audience laughing)
26:14- Well you can't hit a man of that age can you?
26:18- You alright gents?
26:20- How are you?
26:20Oh, you must be the new governor?
26:23That's right, Mike Fisher, pleased to meet you.
26:25- Hello Mike, Del Trotter,
26:27people may have mentioned me.
26:30- Yes, they certainly have.
26:32- Well I'm a popular character round these parts.
26:34Here Mike, could you just tell me is it true
26:37that the brewery are gonna have this place decorated?
26:39- Yeah, that's right, in the very near future.
26:42- Is it also true that mouth almighty
26:44over there has got the contract?
26:46- Well, let's say he's favorite,
26:47his estimate's by far the lowest.
26:50- How much is he doing it for?
26:51- Oh come on, it's confidential isn't it.
26:54- No, no it's not, no come on.
26:56Brendan and I, well I mean, we're like that.
26:58- I don't suppose it matters who knows,
27:00he's bragging about it himself now.
27:01He reckons he'll do it for a grand.
27:04- A grand?
27:05And who decides which estimate to accept?
27:08- I do.
27:13- Michael, could I have a word in your shell-like?
27:19I might be able to offer you
27:20a much better deal, my son.
27:23I could get this pub decorated
27:25to exactly the same standard as Brendan,
27:28and it would cost your brewery a mere 2,000 pounds.
27:33- Two thousand pounds?
27:34- That must be a tempting offer, eh, Rodney?
27:38- Yeah, well, he's a born businessman ain't he?
27:41- No hang about, hang about,
27:42look why should I turn down an offer
27:44of a thousand and accept one of two thousand?
27:47- Because of all the advantages it has to offer,
27:50like my specialized profit-sharing scheme.
27:54Let me explain how it works.
27:57The two thousand pounds
27:59would be dispersed thus,
28:02there would be five hundred pounds
28:04for vous and five hundred pounds for me.
28:09- What you mean I get 500 quid?
28:10- Oh yes.
28:11- Yeah, and what happens to the
28:12thousand that's left over?
28:14- We give that to the Irishman
28:15and let him do then job.
28:16(studio audience laughing)
28:20- You've got a deal, Mr. Trotter.
28:21- Thank you, Michael.
28:23Brendan, an I have a word?
28:25Who's a pretty boy then?
28:30(audience applauding)
28:34♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
28:36♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
28:37♫ TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's
28:40♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
28:43♫ And at a push
28:44♫ Some Trevor Francis track-suites
28:45♫ From a mush in Shepherds bush, bush, bush,
28:47♫ Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush
28:49♫ No income tax, no VAT
28:52♫ No money back, no guarantee
28:56♫ Black or white, rich or broke
28:59♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
29:03♫ God bless Hooky Street
29:06♫ Viva Hooky Street
29:09♫ Long live Hooky Street
29:12♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
29:16♫ Magnifique Hooky Street