Only Fools and Horses S04E01 — Happy Returns

Every line from “Happy Returns” (777 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10'Cause if you want the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother I'm your man
00:18'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:26But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:37- Hi, Debbie.
00:39- Hello, Rodney.
00:42- Hello, Debbie.
00:44Hello, Rodney.
00:46- Shut up, will ya?
00:49-[Del] Hello, darling.
00:51- Been up to the hospital, love?
00:52- Yeah, we just come back from there now.
00:54- How is he?
00:55- Ah, moaning.
00:58Doctor's been trying to take his hat off,
00:59but he wouldn't have none of it.
01:01(audience laughs)
01:02Gave him an X-ray yesterday and they found out
01:03he got a pulled ligament in the wallet
01:05and a severe fraying of the trilby.
01:07(audience laughs)
01:09- Give him my love.
01:10- He ain't up to nothing like that.
01:12(audience laughs)
01:14(Rodney hisses)
01:22- This is awkward.
01:24- What is?
01:26- I wanted to buy one of my adult art magazines.
01:31- What's the problem?
01:32- Debbie's serving.
01:36We've been seeing each other sort of thing.
01:40She might think I'm odd.
01:42- She had to find out some time or other, didn't she?
01:44(audience laughs)
01:46- Get it for us, would you, Del?
01:49- All right, all right, Rodney.
01:51- Cheers, Del, you're a pal.
01:55- Here you are, darling.
01:56Look, Exchange and Mart.
01:58Oh, give me one of your dirty magazines, darling, will you?
02:00- Yeah, which one do you want?
02:02- Which one do you want, Rodney?
02:03(audience laughs)
02:09Just the Exchange and Mart.
02:11- What one do you want, Rodney?
02:13I can't believe you sometimes.
02:15- I wish I'd had my Polaroid with me.
02:17You should've seen your face.
02:18- You have embarrassed me.
02:20- I've embarrassed you?
02:22Oh, it's all right for some bird
02:23to think I'm a pervo though, isn't it?
02:26- You ain't taking her out, are you?
02:28- Don't know, ain't made my mind up yet.
02:30- Listen to him, will ya.
02:35(car horn blares)
02:37- Oi, oi, hey, what's your game, eh?
02:40- My mum says she's gonna kill me.
02:42- Well, she won't need to, will she,
02:44you running across the road like that.
02:46- Haven't you ever heard of the green cross code?
02:49- I'm gonna be killed in a minute.
02:51- No, you're not.
02:52She's not gonna kill ya.
02:53- She said she was.
02:55- Yeah, I know, but mums say lots of things
02:56they don't mean, don't they?
02:59Here, tell you what.
03:02Here you are.
03:03Go and get yourself an ice cream
03:04at the corner.
03:05- Thanks, mister.
03:06Can I bring my brother?
03:07- Huh, who's he?
03:09(audience laughs)
03:13-[Rodney] That's your brother, is it?
03:14- Is it?
03:16Go and get him one and all, hadn't ya?
03:17- Ta, mister.
03:18- Just a minute.
03:19Why was your mum telling you off?
03:21- I let down the tires from that motor.
03:23(audience laughs)
03:27- That's our,
03:28I'll kill you.
03:30- Bloody hell, Del, look at that.
03:36-[Del] Cute little scallywags around here, innit they?
03:39- It's nothing to laugh at, Del.
03:41I mean, look at it.
03:42- Oh no, they're only kids though, innit they?
03:44I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a nipper.
03:47I remember me and Albie Littlewood,
03:49we let a couple of tires down once.
03:51You should have seen the palaver it caused.
03:54Everyone had to get off the bus.
03:56(audience laughs)
03:58Those were the days.
04:00Still, I'll go around the garage
04:02and get the foot pump for you.
04:04- Yeah, right.
04:06Oi, hold on.
04:08What do you mean you'll get me the foot pump?
04:12- You ain't getting half independent, innit ya?
04:15All right, go and get your own foot pump.
04:18- More like it.
04:45(engine rumbles)
05:19- All right, champ, what're you doing?
05:22- Running away from home.
05:24- Running away from home, are ya?
05:27You ain't got very far, have you?
05:30- My mum says I mustn't cross the road.
05:32(audience laughs)
05:35- That makes it difficult then, doesn't it?
05:39Where's your brother?
05:41- His dad says he has to go in.
05:45- Does he?
05:49Well I reckon that's the best place for you to go
05:51and all, don't you?
05:52- She'll kill me.
05:54- No, she won't.
05:57Listen, they were my tires that you let down, wasn't they?
06:00So I'll come home with you
06:02and I'll tell your mum that I asked you
06:05to let my tires down 'cause I wanted to see
06:08how long it would take my brother
06:09to pump them back up again.
06:10(audience laughs)
06:12How's that, eh?
06:13- All right, then.
06:14- There, good boy.
06:16See, now it makes sense.
06:20Come on, then.
06:23We better get in because the bogeyman
06:24will be coming soon.
06:27-[Jason] I've seen the bogeyman.
06:29-[Del] Have ya?
06:30What's she look like?
06:32-[Jason] He's got a funny old hat,
06:33wears pajamas under his mac.
06:35- That's not a bogeyman, that's my grandad.
06:37(audience laughs)
06:41All right, come on.
06:42Is this it, your house, is it?
06:44-[Jason] Yes.
06:45- All right, now don't you worry.
06:46(doorbell rings)
06:47She'll be as sweet as a nut, I'll guarantee.
06:48Just stay there.
06:52- Where have you been?
06:54I was just about to call the police.
06:56Look at the state of ya.
06:58Go and put your pajamas on.
07:00I'll see to you in a minute.
07:02- Does that go for me and all?
07:03- You what?
07:05Del, aw, I don't believe it.
07:08- Junie, how're you going?
07:10- Oh, I'm fine.
07:12- Oh, great.
07:14- You don't still live on the estate, do ya?
07:16- Well yeah, over the way there,
07:17you know, Nelson Mandela house.
07:19When did you move in here?
07:21- About six weeks ago.
07:22Here, don't stand out there.
07:24People'll think you're the tallyman.
07:26Come in.
07:27- Right.
07:29What about the old man?
07:30- He's gone away for a bit.
07:32- Oh, gone away for a bit.
07:33Anyone we know?
07:34(audience laughs)
07:38- He's sound already.
07:40Didn't even want a bedtime story tonight.
07:42- He's a little scallywag, innit he, eh?
07:44- Oh, he's a right handful.
07:46Do you know what he did today?
07:48-[Del] No.
07:49- He only let the tires down
07:50on some crappy old three wheeled van over there.
07:52(audience laughs)
07:53- Oh yeah.
07:54- I think he misses his dad.
07:56- Yeah, I used to miss my dad
07:58'til I learned to punch straight.
08:00When's the old man get out?
08:02- Oh, he's not in prison, Del.
08:04No, he works on an oil rig.
08:06- Oh, I see.
08:07When are you expecting him back then?
08:09- About six months if he keeps his nose clean.
08:13I'd've popped over and seen ya,
08:15but I didn't think for one minute
08:17you'd still be living here.
08:19Do you remember what you used to say to me
08:21all those years ago?
08:22- I can remember quite a lot of funny things
08:23I used to say to you.
08:25- I don't mean that.
08:27You used to say this time next year
08:30I'll be a millionaire.
08:31- Did I?
08:32(audience laughs)
08:35What a wally.
08:36(audience laughs)
08:38Well, we were much younger then, weren't we?
08:40Anything seemed possible in them days.
08:42Yeah, yeah, how long ago was it
08:44that, you know, you and I, well,
08:45we stopped seeing each other?
08:47- Must be 19 years now.
08:50- 19, 19 years?
08:52- It is longer than that, in fact.
08:54We broke up in September, 1965,
08:58just after Albie Littlewood's funeral.
09:01- That's right.
09:02We were a right little team up to then, weren't we, eh?
09:05- The famous four.
09:06You and me, Albie and what was his girlfriend's name?
09:10- It was Deirdre.
09:12- That's it, Deirdre.
09:15- You know, I often wonder what would've happened
09:16if he hadn't been coming over to see me that night.
09:20You know, if he hadn't taken a shortcut
09:21across the railway line.
09:22(audience laughs)
09:24You know, if his bike hadn't accidentally fallen
09:27on the live rail.
09:28- Yes.
09:30- I mean, what's the point of talking about ifs.
09:32If me brother had been a bird,
09:33he would've been my sister, would he, eh?
09:35(audience laughs)
09:36- Oh, you had a kid brother.
09:38Rodney.
09:39How is he?
09:40- Oh, he's all right, all right.
09:41He's just reached that awkward age.
09:42You know, he's a bit like a trifle.
09:44- What do you mean, mixed up?
09:45- No, no, he's thick and fruity.
09:46(audience laughs)
09:49- Oh, what about your grandad?
09:52- Oh, grandad, well, he's not too fit at the moment.
09:54He's laid up in Dock, but I sometimes think
09:57given half the chance he could be thick and fruity and all.
10:01- I take it you never got married.
10:02- Eh, me, no, no, no, no.
10:05No, I just get engaged.
10:08Talking about that,
10:09you still got my engagement ring?
10:10- Yeah, you don't want it back, do you?
10:13- No, no, no, no.
10:14No, I was just wondering, that was all.
10:17I was just wondering like,
10:18'cause you know, I could always whip over home
10:20and get my Sheena Easton LP if you like.
10:22(audience laughs)
10:24- There's not much point.
10:26I haven't got a record player.
10:29- Oh, I'll have to keep my eye open for one for you then,
10:32wouldn't I, eh?
10:34Don't worry, you leave it to me, all right?
10:36-[June] Oh Del.
10:39(doorbell rings)
10:42Del, help yourself to a drink.
10:46- Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks, Junie.
10:49Hey.
10:50(audience laughs)
10:52- Come in, love.
10:55It's all right, it's a friend of my daughter's.
10:58Babes, it's for you.
11:00She's got that bloody radio on again.
11:03She'll wake Jason.
11:08(audience laughs)
11:56- You little plonker.
12:00- What're you doing here?
12:01- What am I doing, what are you doing here?
12:04- Well, this is where Debbie lives, isn't it?
12:05That bird from the,
12:06here, here, you're not trying--
12:08- No, I am not.
12:10Leave it out, I'm a friend of her mum's.
12:11- Yeah, when'd you meet here then?
12:14- 1964.
12:17- You've only just come around to see her?
12:19(audience laughs)
12:22- No, no, I was engaged to her, soppy.
12:26- What, another one?
12:28Stone me, Del, you've been engaged more times
12:30than a switchboard, haven't you?
12:32- Don't you start getting lippy.
12:35I don't know what you brought that around for
12:36'cause they ain't got a record player.
12:38- It's all right, I ain't got a record.
12:40(audience laughs)
12:41- You are a saucy little git.
12:44Oi, I got one of those at home on the sideboard.
12:47- Yeah, all right, I'll get you another one tomorrow,
12:49won't I?
12:50- Yeah, you better.
12:51Junie, June, you'll never guess who that is?
12:55That is little Rodney.
12:57- You're kidding?
12:58- No, I'm not, straight up.
12:59- I don't believe it.
13:01The last time I saw you,
13:02you were about that high.
13:04How old was he, Del?
13:05- Then, about two and a half.
13:06(audience laughs)
13:11- Anyway, it's very nice to meet you again, Rodney.
13:14- And you, ma'am.
13:17(audience laughs)
13:19- Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
13:21You're making me feel quite Tom and Dick,
13:22you really are.
13:23- You can call me June.
13:25-[Rodney] Oh, thank you.
13:26- Debbie won't be a minute.
13:28She's just putting some clothes on.
13:30- Oh, she needn't bother.
13:31- What?
13:32(audience laughs)
13:34- No, no, no, no, I mean, you know,
13:35she needn't bother to put on anything special.
13:38I was thinking, actually,
13:40if you two wanted to go out and you know
13:43chat about old times and all of that,
13:46well, you know, I'm sure me and Debbie
13:47wouldn't mind babysitting.
13:50- What do you think, Del?
13:52- I dare not tell you what I think, Junie.
13:56Come on, let's go out for drinks, shall we?
14:00- Hello, Rodney.
14:01- Debs.
14:02-[Del] You all right, darling?
14:03- Oh, watch ya.
14:04- You two met?
14:05- Yeah.
14:06- Yeah, he came in the paper shop this morning
14:07for a dirty magazine.
14:08- Oh really.
14:10- No actually, listen--
14:11- I was just saying that you and me
14:12wouldn't mind babysitting
14:14if Del and your mum went out for a drink.
14:16- That suits me.
14:17- I'll get my coat.
14:18- Yeah, all right, darling.
14:22Here, I'd do that up if I was you.
14:24You'll get a cold on your chest.
14:26- Oi, it's Debbie's house, she can do what she likes.
14:28(audience laughs)
14:30You want a brandy, Debs?
14:32- Brandy, eh?
14:33You're splashing out, innit ya?
14:34- Yeah, well of course he's celebrating, innit he?
14:37- Celebrating what?
14:39- Hasn't he told you?
14:39He's just from the clinic.
14:40He's got an all clear.
14:42(audience laughs)
14:51- Well, here ya go.
14:52Old times, eh?
14:53- Old times.
14:54- Cheers.
14:57- Junie, I hope you don't mind me asking,
14:59but it's always been something that's been bothering me.
15:01- Look, if it's something from the past,
15:03let's leave it there.
15:04- No, no, it's just I always wondered
15:06why it was that you left so suddenly like that
15:08without a letter or a word, nothing?
15:10- It's personal, Del.
15:12All over and done with now, right?
15:15Can't we talk about something happier?
15:17- Yeah, of course.
15:18What they put your old man in prison for?
15:20(audience laughs)
15:21- He stole some watches.
15:23- Oh, I see.
15:25Haven't still got them, have ya?
15:29- We're getting divorced when he comes out.
15:31The marriage never worked right from the start.
15:33- I don't know, seemed to have lasted quite a while.
15:36- Oh no.
15:37We've only been married seven years.
15:39- Seven years?
15:41But no, with Debbie, she must be, oh, sorry.
15:44- He's not Debbie's father.
15:45- No, no, sorry.
15:46I didn't mean, I wasn't trying--
15:47- It's her birthday next week.
15:50We're gonna have a little party.
15:51Do you fancy coming?
15:53- Yeah, not half, I'll have some of that.
15:55Here, I'll have to get that record player for you,
15:56a bit lively, wouldn't I?
15:58- Oh yes.
15:59- What do you want, another one same again?
16:00- Oh, I'd love another one.
16:01Yes, same again.
16:02- Okay, here we go.
16:02Where are ya, Maureen?
16:03- Here you go, Del.
16:04- Right, cheers Trig.
16:07- Here you are, Maureen.
16:08Same again, love.
16:09That's a Singapore Sling and half a Strongbow.
16:10- Coming up.
16:12- What are you up to, Mickey?
16:14- I've just come from evening school.
16:16I'm learning Aikido.
16:18- Really, oh, go on then, say something.
16:21(audience laughs)
16:22- What?
16:24- Say something in Aikido.
16:26- It's not a language, Del.
16:27It's a martial art.
16:29I had a fight with five blokes last night.
16:31- What was it, a pillow fight?
16:32(audience laughs)
16:34Leave it out, you ain't got a mark on you, son.
16:36- Well that's because I wiped them all out with Aikido.
16:42(audience laughs)
16:43- Here, here.
16:44(Del sniffs)
16:45Do you smell that?
16:47What is that, sheep, is it?
16:49It's cows.
16:51No, no, I know what it is,
16:52it's bullshit.
16:53(audience laughs)
16:56- I'm telling you the truth, Del.
16:58- Leave it out, Mickey.
16:59I can always tell when you're lying.
17:00- How?
17:01- Your lips move.
17:03(audience laughs)
17:04Here you are, how much here?
17:06- 2.49.
17:06-[Del] All right, cheers.
17:07- Cheers.
17:08Where's Rodney tonight?
17:10- Rodney, he's around at that young Debbie's place.
17:12-[Maureen] Oh yeah?
17:12-[Del] Mm hmm.
17:13- I don't know what he sees in her.
17:15I mean, she's just a kid, innit she?
17:17- She's 19 next week, mouthy.
17:19- What about your 19th birthday, Mickey?
17:21- Yeah.
17:22- What about it?
17:23- You looking forward to it, are ya?
17:24(audience laughs)
17:2819, 19?
17:31Just a minute, that Debbie, that young Debbie,
17:32she can't be 19.
17:34- She's 19 next Wednesday, Del.
17:37- I'll tell you what, I've got an invitation
17:38to her 19th birthday party.
17:41- That's impossible.
17:43- What's the matter with you, Del?
17:44- 19 and a half years ago,
17:46me and Debbie's mum were.
17:50Oh my god.
17:52(audience laughs)
17:54- What are you talking about, Del?
17:56- Hey?
17:57- What are you talking about?
17:58- No, no, nothing.
17:58No, it's all right, forget it.
18:00Just, just no, forget it.
18:08Junie, Junie, I know why you left so suddenly
18:12all them years ago.
18:15- Do you?
18:18- Potpourri.
18:21Why didn't you tell me?
18:23- I couldn't.
18:24I didn't know how you'd take the news.
18:30- I'm just going to the bog.
18:31(audience laughs)
18:39- All right, Del boy?
18:40- No, I'm not all right, Trig.
18:42I don't know what I'm gonna do.
18:44I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
18:47- Hang on, Del.
18:48Leave it to me.
18:50Come on, hurry up.
18:51We've got an emergency out here.
18:53(audience laughs)
18:54- No, no, not that, Trigger.
18:55Come here.
18:56Listen to me.
18:57Do you remember about 20 years ago,
18:59I was engaged to that bird, right?
19:01- What, June?
19:02- Yeah, June.
19:03- Yeah, I remember her.
19:04She's back on the estate now.
19:05- That's right.
19:06Well, she's got a 19 year old kid.
19:08- Yeah, Debbie.
19:09Works in the paper shop, so what?
19:10- So what?
19:12Me and Junie broke up about 19 and a half years ago, right?
19:16That means she was expecting her at the time
19:18which means Debbie is my kid.
19:23- But she's a pretty girl.
19:25(audience laughs)
19:27- Of course she is.
19:29I mean look, it's a chip off the old block, innit, eh?
19:34- Did June say nothing to you at the time?
19:36- No, not a dicky bird.
19:37- You sure, Del?
19:39- Well, I woulda remembered something like that, Trig,
19:40wouldn't I?
19:41- You sure she's your kid?
19:43- She's gotta be.
19:44I mean, she's just gotta be.
19:47- Yeah, the little cow short changed me the other day.
19:49(audience laughs)
19:50- That is it then, isn't it?
19:53- Have you told the rest of the family?
19:54- No, no, I've only just found out myself.
19:56God knows what grandad and Rodney are gonna say
19:58when they find,
20:00Rodney, Rodney!
20:02(audience laughs)
20:18Put her down, Rodney!
20:20- You're back early, ain't ya?
20:21- Yes, ain't we just, eh?
20:24I'm going to bed, Del.
20:26-[Del] No listen, Junie, we've got to talk.
20:28- Look, I knew this is how you'd behave.
20:30That's why I didn't tell ya.
20:32I'll see you around sometime.
20:35- No listen, June.
20:36-[June] Maybe.
20:37- Look, we've gotta talk.
20:41- You made another lasting impression then I see.
20:44- Rodney, come on, get out of there, come on.
20:46Give Debbie some air.
20:47Poor girl can't breathe.
20:48- Are you all right?
20:50You want another brandy, Deb?
20:51- No, she don't.
20:52- I make my own decisions, thank you.
20:54- Yes, of course, of course.
20:56It's just that if you have too much to drink
20:58you might make yourself sick
20:59and you don't want to be ill for your party next week.
21:02It's Debbie's birthday next week, Rodney.
21:04- Yeah?
21:05I thought it was mine tonight.
21:06(audience laughs)
21:09- I'll get you a nice present, shall I, dear?
21:14I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh?
21:16A couple of hundred quid at least.
21:17No rubbish.
21:19- All right.
21:20- What's your game, Del?
21:21(audience laughs)
21:23- Just feeling generous, that's all.
21:27Come on, Rodney, I'll give you a lift home, come on.
21:29- Del, we only live 50 yards across precinct.
21:33- I know that, I know, but when I came back tonight
21:35there was a load of muggers hanging about.
21:37- Oh yeah?
21:37- Yeah.
21:41- Well, perhaps I better go, Debs.
21:42I gotta be up early.
21:43- All right, then, goodnight.
21:47- Goodnight.
21:52Pleasant dreams.
21:57(door bangs)
21:58(audience laughs)
22:02- Well, night, Debs.
22:04- Goodnight.
22:05-[Del] Come on, Rodney!
22:07(audience laughs)
22:11- Just what is your game, Del?
22:12All that shall I buy you a nice gold watch,
22:14shall I, dear?
22:15And sweet dreams.
22:18- I was just being friendly, that's all.
22:20- You're trying to pull her, innit ya?
22:21- I am not trying to pull her.
22:22(audience laughs)
22:23What do you think I am,
22:24some kind of sicko or something?
22:26- You're trying to interfere
22:27between me and Debbie, innit ya?
22:28- I am not trying to interfere, Rodney.
22:30Now listen, Rodney, look,
22:32I don't think that you two are right for each other.
22:35- It's got nothing to do with you.
22:38Me and Debbie think we're right for each other.
22:41Matter of fact, we're thinking of getting engaged.
22:43- You're what?
22:45(audience laughs)
22:47You can't get engaged to her, Rodney.
22:49What I mean is, what I mean,
22:51you're too young.
22:54- I'm 24, Del.
22:56By the time you was my age,
22:57you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the water.
22:59(audience laughs)
23:03No, you're just jealous, innit ya?
23:04You can't stand the thought that I might end up
23:05with a nice little wife.
23:10- You're gonna end up with a nice little stretch
23:11if you ain't careful.
23:14Rodney, you mustn't get engaged to her.
23:16- You give me one good reason why I mustn't.
23:19- Because she's my daughter.
23:21(audience laughs)
23:27That's why.
23:36- Debbie is your daughter?
23:37- Yeah.
23:41- No, it's not real.
23:43No, it's not happening to me.
23:44I tell you, I'm in the middle of a bad trip
23:45and I'm gonna wake up in a minute.
23:47- I've worked it out on the calculator, Rodney.
23:52Me and Junie broke up 19 and a half years ago.
23:54It's Debbie's 19th birthday next week.
23:57You're the one with the GCE in maths.
23:59You work it out yourself.
24:03- No, she probably met someone after you.
24:05- No, she was born a couple of months after.
24:08- Well then she was premature.
24:09- Premature, she'd have to be bloody instant, Rodney.
24:11(audience laughs)
24:15- But she's a pretty girl.
24:17(audience laughs)
24:20- I know that.
24:23I can see mum in her.
24:27Come on, cheer up, Rodney.
24:30- Cheer up?
24:33Del, I've just met the first girl in my life
24:35who really means something to me
24:37and it turns out to be my bloody niece.
24:40(audience laughs)
24:44- All right, Rodney, come on.
24:48That's why I had to tell you, you see?
24:51'Cause this sort of thing, it ain't allowed.
24:55It's, well it's incense.
24:57(audience laughs)
25:04Say you had got married to her, okay?
25:07You can see what sort of confusion that would've led to.
25:10I would have been your father-in-law.
25:12(audience laughs)
25:14- Bloody hell.
25:15- Your mother-in-law would've been your aunt.
25:18Your wife would've been your second cousin.
25:19(audience laughs)
25:21Lord knows what that would've made grandad.
25:22The fairy godmother, I suppose.
25:25(audience laughs)
25:26- Del, are you absolutely certain of this?
25:30- Yeah, well, certain as I'll ever be.
25:33Just think though, Rodney,
25:35young Debbie's grown up all these years
25:37and she never knew that I,
25:42I was her daddy.
25:45Think I ought to tell her?
25:48- Eh?
25:49No, no, that could come as a great disappoint,
25:52great shock.
25:54- Perhaps you're right.
25:56- You do something for me, Del?
25:57- Yeah, sure.
25:59- You go and see June, right.
26:02You go and see her and you find out if it's definitely,
26:05definitely, definite.
26:08- Yeah, tomorrow, definite, promise.
26:14- Well, I'm going to bed.
26:19I bet I'll have a nightmare.
26:24I bet I'll have a nightmare where my wife
26:25keeps calling me Uncle Rodney.
26:27(audience laughs)
26:31- All right, Del, you've got five minutes.
26:33Say what you have to say and then go.
26:35- Is Debbie in?
26:37- No, she's gone over to her aunties.
26:40Look, if you've come here to dig up the past again
26:42you can forget it.
26:43- Come on, Junie, things have got to be discussed.
26:45- What sort of things?
26:47- Look Junie, I know.
26:49- So you said last night.
26:51- Well then are you gonna tell her or shall I?
26:53- Tell her what?
26:54- Come on, June, don't play the innocent with me.
26:57Tell her that I am her father.
27:03- You're her,
27:06oh, Del, when you said you knew,
27:10I thought you really knew.
27:14Debbie's not your kid.
27:18- She is.
27:22Come on, look, she was born six months after we broke up.
27:26She's gotta be.
27:27If I'm not her father then who is?
27:33- Albie Littlewood.
27:34(audience laughs)
27:38- Albie Littlewood?
27:42Albie Littlewood,
27:45my bestest friend in all the world.
27:50Greatest pal a bloke could have.
27:55And all the time he was doinking my bird.
27:57(audience laughs)
27:59- That's why I left.
28:03- How could he do it to me?
28:05We was blood brothers.
28:07- We were just kids.
28:09We were just playing games.
28:12That night he died on the railway lines,
28:15he wasn't coming to meet you in the pub.
28:18He was coming to meet me.
28:21- Nigh on 20 years I've carried that guilt around with me.
28:25It's hung around my neck like some great two ton medallion.
28:29- Well, now you're free of it, innit ya?
28:33Albie didn't take the shortcut for you.
28:37- It's not the reason why I was feeling guilty.
28:39'Cause if he had made it across the railway lines that night
28:42he wouldn't have met me in the pub.
28:45I wasn't in the pub.
28:47I was around at his bird, Dierdre's place.
28:49(audience laughs)
28:50- You were with Dierdre?
28:53- It's all right, June.
28:55We were only playing games.
28:58Only playing games.
29:00- Well, you dirty little toe rag.
29:03- Hello, mum.
29:04- Hello, love.
29:05- I brought Micky back.
29:07We're going to my room to listen to the radio.
29:09- Good evening young Michael.
29:12All right?
29:14- What ya, Del?
29:16I just met Debbie walking across the estate.
29:18I thought I better make sure she got home safely.
29:20- Oh yes, so you thought you'd escort a young lady
29:22back to her bedroom, eh?
29:24- What's this for, you know?
29:26- Yeah, I know, Mickey.
29:30I know only too well, my son.
29:32Goodnight to you all.
29:34Oh, Mickey, make sure you don't take the shortcut
29:37across the railway line.
29:38(audience laughs)
29:46We've got some half price cracked ice
29:47And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:49TVs deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:52Ball games gold chains what's it's names
29:54And at a push some Trevor Francis track suits
29:56From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:58Bush bush bush bush bush bush bush
30:01No income tax no VAT
30:04No money back no guarantee
30:07Black or white rich or broke
30:10We'll cut prices at a stroke
30:15God bless Hooky Street
30:18Viva Hooky Street
30:21Long live Hooky Street
30:23C'est magnifique Hooky Street
30:27Magnifique Hooky Street