Only Fools and Horses S04E01 — Happy Returns

Every line from “Happy Returns” (777 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S04E01 meme — “- Oh, I see.”

00:03Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10'Cause if you want the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother I'm your man
00:18'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:26But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:37- Hi, Debbie.
00:39- Hello, Rodney.
00:42- Hello, Debbie.
00:44Hello, Rodney.
00:46- Shut up, will ya?
00:49-[Del] Hello, darling.
00:51- Been up to the hospital, love?
00:52- Yeah, we just come back from there now.
00:54- How is he?
00:55- Ah, moaning.
00:58Doctor's been trying to take his hat off,
00:59but he wouldn't have none of it.
01:01(audience laughs)
01:02Gave him an X-ray yesterday and they found out
01:03he got a pulled ligament in the wallet
01:05and a severe fraying of the trilby.
01:07(audience laughs)
01:09- Give him my love.
01:10- He ain't up to nothing like that.
01:12(audience laughs)
01:14(Rodney hisses)
01:22- This is awkward.
01:24- What is?
01:26- I wanted to buy one of my adult art magazines.
01:31- What's the problem?
01:32- Debbie's serving.
01:36We've been seeing each other sort of thing.
01:40She might think I'm odd.
01:42- She had to find out some time or other, didn't she?
01:44(audience laughs)
01:46- Get it for us, would you, Del?
01:49- All right, all right, Rodney.
01:51- Cheers, Del, you're a pal.
01:55- Here you are, darling.
01:56Look, Exchange and Mart.
01:58Oh, give me one of your dirty magazines, darling, will you?
02:00- Yeah, which one do you want?
02:02- Which one do you want, Rodney?
02:03(audience laughs)
02:09Just the Exchange and Mart.
02:11- What one do you want, Rodney?
02:13I can't believe you sometimes.
02:15- I wish I'd had my Polaroid with me.
02:17You should've seen your face.
02:18- You have embarrassed me.
02:20- I've embarrassed you?
02:22Oh, it's all right for some bird
02:23to think I'm a pervo though, isn't it?
02:26- You ain't taking her out, are you?
02:28- Don't know, ain't made my mind up yet.
02:30- Listen to him, will ya.
02:35(car horn blares)
02:37- Oi, oi, hey, what's your game, eh?
02:40- My mum says she's gonna kill me.
02:42- Well, she won't need to, will she,
02:44you running across the road like that.
02:46- Haven't you ever heard of the green cross code?
02:49- I'm gonna be killed in a minute.
02:51- No, you're not.
02:52She's not gonna kill ya.
02:53- She said she was.
02:55- Yeah, I know, but mums say lots of things
02:56they don't mean, don't they?
02:59Here, tell you what.
03:02Here you are.
03:03Go and get yourself an ice cream
03:04at the corner.
03:05- Thanks, mister.
03:06Can I bring my brother?
03:07- Huh, who's he?
03:09(audience laughs)
03:13-[Rodney] That's your brother, is it?
03:14- Is it?
03:16Go and get him one and all, hadn't ya?
03:17- Ta, mister.
03:18- Just a minute.
03:19Why was your mum telling you off?
03:21- I let down the tires from that motor.
03:23(audience laughs)
03:27- That's our,
03:28I'll kill you.
03:30- Bloody hell, Del, look at that.
03:36-[Del] Cute little scallywags around here, innit they?
03:39- It's nothing to laugh at, Del.
03:41I mean, look at it.
03:42- Oh no, they're only kids though, innit they?
03:44I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a nipper.
03:47I remember me and Albie Littlewood,
03:49we let a couple of tires down once.
03:51You should have seen the palaver it caused.
03:54Everyone had to get off the bus.
03:56(audience laughs)
03:58Those were the days.
04:00Still, I'll go around the garage
04:02and get the foot pump for you.
04:04- Yeah, right.
04:06Oi, hold on.
04:08What do you mean you'll get me the foot pump?
04:12- You ain't getting half independent, innit ya?
04:15All right, go and get your own foot pump.
04:18- More like it.
04:45(engine rumbles)
05:19- All right, champ, what're you doing?
05:22- Running away from home.
05:24- Running away from home, are ya?
05:27You ain't got very far, have you?
05:30- My mum says I mustn't cross the road.
05:32(audience laughs)
05:35- That makes it difficult then, doesn't it?
05:39Where's your brother?
05:41- His dad says he has to go in.
05:45- Does he?
05:49Well I reckon that's the best place for you to go
05:51and all, don't you?
05:52- She'll kill me.
05:54- No, she won't.
05:57Listen, they were my tires that you let down, wasn't they?
06:00So I'll come home with you
06:02and I'll tell your mum that I asked you
06:05to let my tires down 'cause I wanted to see
06:08how long it would take my brother
06:09to pump them back up again.
06:10(audience laughs)
06:12How's that, eh?
06:13- All right, then.
06:14- There, good boy.
06:16See, now it makes sense.
06:20Come on, then.
06:23We better get in because the bogeyman
06:24will be coming soon.
06:27-[Jason] I've seen the bogeyman.
06:29-[Del] Have ya?
06:30What's she look like?
06:32-[Jason] He's got a funny old hat,
06:33wears pajamas under his mac.
06:35- That's not a bogeyman, that's my grandad.
06:37(audience laughs)
06:41All right, come on.
06:42Is this it, your house, is it?
06:44-[Jason] Yes.
06:45- All right, now don't you worry.
06:46(doorbell rings)
06:47She'll be as sweet as a nut, I'll guarantee.
06:48Just stay there.
06:52- Where have you been?
06:54I was just about to call the police.
06:56Look at the state of ya.
06:58Go and put your pajamas on.
07:00I'll see to you in a minute.
07:02- Does that go for me and all?
07:03- You what?
07:05Del, aw, I don't believe it.
07:08- Junie, how're you going?
07:10- Oh, I'm fine.
07:12- Oh, great.
07:14- You don't still live on the estate, do ya?
07:16- Well yeah, over the way there,
07:17you know, Nelson Mandela house.
07:19When did you move in here?
07:21- About six weeks ago.
07:22Here, don't stand out there.
07:24People'll think you're the tallyman.
07:26Come in.
07:27- Right.
07:29What about the old man?
07:30- He's gone away for a bit.
07:32- Oh, gone away for a bit.
07:33Anyone we know?
07:34(audience laughs)
07:38- He's sound already.
07:40Didn't even want a bedtime story tonight.
07:42- He's a little scallywag, innit he, eh?
07:44- Oh, he's a right handful.
07:46Do you know what he did today?
07:48-[Del] No.
07:49- He only let the tires down
07:50on some crappy old three wheeled van over there.
07:52(audience laughs)
07:53- Oh yeah.
07:54- I think he misses his dad.
07:56- Yeah, I used to miss my dad
07:58'til I learned to punch straight.
08:00When's the old man get out?
08:02- Oh, he's not in prison, Del.
08:04No, he works on an oil rig.
08:06- Oh, I see.
08:07When are you expecting him back then?
08:09- About six months if he keeps his nose clean.
08:13I'd've popped over and seen ya,
08:15but I didn't think for one minute
08:17you'd still be living here.
08:19Do you remember what you used to say to me
08:21all those years ago?
08:22- I can remember quite a lot of funny things
08:23I used to say to you.
08:25- I don't mean that.
08:27You used to say this time next year
08:30I'll be a millionaire.
08:31- Did I?
08:32(audience laughs)
08:35What a wally.
08:36(audience laughs)
08:38Well, we were much younger then, weren't we?
08:40Anything seemed possible in them days.
08:42Yeah, yeah, how long ago was it
08:44that, you know, you and I, well,
08:45we stopped seeing each other?
08:47- Must be 19 years now.
08:50- 19, 19 years?
08:52- It is longer than that, in fact.
08:54We broke up in September, 1965,
08:58just after Albie Littlewood's funeral.
09:01- That's right.
09:02We were a right little team up to then, weren't we, eh?
09:05- The famous four.
09:06You and me, Albie and what was his girlfriend's name?
09:10- It was Deirdre.
09:12- That's it, Deirdre.
09:15- You know, I often wonder what would've happened
09:16if he hadn't been coming over to see me that night.
09:20You know, if he hadn't taken a shortcut
09:21across the railway line.
09:22(audience laughs)
09:24You know, if his bike hadn't accidentally fallen
09:27on the live rail.
09:28- Yes.
09:30- I mean, what's the point of talking about ifs.
09:32If me brother had been a bird,
09:33he would've been my sister, would he, eh?
09:35(audience laughs)
09:36- Oh, you had a kid brother.
09:38Rodney.
09:39How is he?
09:40- Oh, he's all right, all right.
09:41He's just reached that awkward age.
09:42You know, he's a bit like a trifle.
09:44- What do you mean, mixed up?
09:45- No, no, he's thick and fruity.
09:46(audience laughs)
09:49- Oh, what about your grandad?
09:52- Oh, grandad, well, he's not too fit at the moment.
09:54He's laid up in Dock, but I sometimes think
09:57given half the chance he could be thick and fruity and all.
10:01- I take it you never got married.
10:02- Eh, me, no, no, no, no.
10:05No, I just get engaged.
10:08Talking about that,
10:09you still got my engagement ring?
10:10- Yeah, you don't want it back, do you?
10:13- No, no, no, no.
10:14No, I was just wondering, that was all.
10:17I was just wondering like,
10:18'cause you know, I could always whip over home
10:20and get my Sheena Easton LP if you like.
10:22(audience laughs)
10:24- There's not much point.
10:26I haven't got a record player.
10:29- Oh, I'll have to keep my eye open for one for you then,
10:32wouldn't I, eh?
10:34Don't worry, you leave it to me, all right?
10:36-[June] Oh Del.
10:39(doorbell rings)
10:42Del, help yourself to a drink.
10:46- Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks, Junie.
10:49Hey.
10:50(audience laughs)
10:52- Come in, love.
10:55It's all right, it's a friend of my daughter's.
10:58Babes, it's for you.
11:00She's got that bloody radio on again.
11:03She'll wake Jason.
11:08(audience laughs)
11:56- You little plonker.
12:00- What're you doing here?
12:01- What am I doing, what are you doing here?
12:04- Well, this is where Debbie lives, isn't it?
12:05That bird from the,
12:06here, here, you're not trying--
12:08- No, I am not.
12:10Leave it out, I'm a friend of her mum's.
12:11- Yeah, when'd you meet here then?
12:14- 1964.
12:17- You've only just come around to see her?
12:19(audience laughs)
12:22- No, no, I was engaged to her, soppy.
12:26- What, another one?
12:28Stone me, Del, you've been engaged more times
12:30than a switchboard, haven't you?
12:32- Don't you start getting lippy.
12:35I don't know what you brought that around for
12:36'cause they ain't got a record player.
12:38- It's all right, I ain't got a record.
12:40(audience laughs)
12:41- You are a saucy little git.
12:44Oi, I got one of those at home on the sideboard.
12:47- Yeah, all right, I'll get you another one tomorrow,
12:49won't I?
12:50- Yeah, you better.
12:51Junie, June, you'll never guess who that is?
12:55That is little Rodney.
12:57- You're kidding?
12:58- No, I'm not, straight up.
12:59- I don't believe it.
13:01The last time I saw you,
13:02you were about that high.
13:04How old was he, Del?
13:05- Then, about two and a half.
13:06(audience laughs)
13:11- Anyway, it's very nice to meet you again, Rodney.
13:14- And you, ma'am.
13:17(audience laughs)
13:19- Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
13:21You're making me feel quite Tom and Dick,
13:22you really are.
13:23- You can call me June.
13:25-[Rodney] Oh, thank you.
13:26- Debbie won't be a minute.
13:28She's just putting some clothes on.
13:30- Oh, she needn't bother.
13:31- What?
13:32(audience laughs)
13:34- No, no, no, no, I mean, you know,
13:35she needn't bother to put on anything special.
13:38I was thinking, actually,
13:40if you two wanted to go out and you know
13:43chat about old times and all of that,
13:46well, you know, I'm sure me and Debbie
13:47wouldn't mind babysitting.
13:50- What do you think, Del?
13:52- I dare not tell you what I think, Junie.
13:56Come on, let's go out for drinks, shall we?
14:00- Hello, Rodney.
14:01- Debs.
14:02-[Del] You all right, darling?
14:03- Oh, watch ya.
14:04- You two met?
14:05- Yeah.
14:06- Yeah, he came in the paper shop this morning
14:07for a dirty magazine.
14:08- Oh really.
14:10- No actually, listen--
14:11- I was just saying that you and me
14:12wouldn't mind babysitting
14:14if Del and your mum went out for a drink.
14:16- That suits me.
14:17- I'll get my coat.
14:18- Yeah, all right, darling.
14:22Here, I'd do that up if I was you.
14:24You'll get a cold on your chest.
14:26- Oi, it's Debbie's house, she can do what she likes.
14:28(audience laughs)
14:30You want a brandy, Debs?
14:32- Brandy, eh?
14:33You're splashing out, innit ya?
14:34- Yeah, well of course he's celebrating, innit he?
14:37- Celebrating what?
14:39- Hasn't he told you?
14:39He's just from the clinic.
14:40He's got an all clear.
14:42(audience laughs)
14:51- Well, here ya go.
14:52Old times, eh?
14:53- Old times.
14:54- Cheers.
14:57- Junie, I hope you don't mind me asking,
14:59but it's always been something that's been bothering me.
15:01- Look, if it's something from the past,
15:03let's leave it there.
15:04- No, no, it's just I always wondered
15:06why it was that you left so suddenly like that
15:08without a letter or a word, nothing?
15:10- It's personal, Del.
15:12All over and done with now, right?
15:15Can't we talk about something happier?
15:17- Yeah, of course.
15:18What they put your old man in prison for?
15:20(audience laughs)
15:21- He stole some watches.
15:23- Oh, I see.
15:25Haven't still got them, have ya?
15:29- We're getting divorced when he comes out.
15:31The marriage never worked right from the start.
15:33- I don't know, seemed to have lasted quite a while.
15:36- Oh no.
15:37We've only been married seven years.
15:39- Seven years?
15:41But no, with Debbie, she must be, oh, sorry.
15:44- He's not Debbie's father.
15:45- No, no, sorry.
15:46I didn't mean, I wasn't trying--
15:47- It's her birthday next week.
15:50We're gonna have a little party.
15:51Do you fancy coming?
15:53- Yeah, not half, I'll have some of that.
15:55Here, I'll have to get that record player for you,
15:56a bit lively, wouldn't I?
15:58- Oh yes.
15:59- What do you want, another one same again?
16:00- Oh, I'd love another one.
16:01Yes, same again.
16:02- Okay, here we go.
16:02Where are ya, Maureen?
16:03- Here you go, Del.
16:04- Right, cheers Trig.
16:07- Here you are, Maureen.
16:08Same again, love.
16:09That's a Singapore Sling and half a Strongbow.
16:10- Coming up.
16:12- What are you up to, Mickey?
16:14- I've just come from evening school.
16:16I'm learning Aikido.
16:18- Really, oh, go on then, say something.
16:21(audience laughs)
16:22- What?
16:24- Say something in Aikido.
16:26- It's not a language, Del.
16:27It's a martial art.
16:29I had a fight with five blokes last night.
16:31- What was it, a pillow fight?
16:32(audience laughs)
16:34Leave it out, you ain't got a mark on you, son.
16:36- Well that's because I wiped them all out with Aikido.
16:42(audience laughs)
16:43- Here, here.
16:44(Del sniffs)
16:45Do you smell that?
16:47What is that, sheep, is it?
16:49It's cows.
16:51No, no, I know what it is,
16:52it's bullshit.
16:53(audience laughs)
16:56- I'm telling you the truth, Del.
16:58- Leave it out, Mickey.
16:59I can always tell when you're lying.
17:00- How?
17:01- Your lips move.
17:03(audience laughs)
17:04Here you are, how much here?
17:06- 2.49.
17:06-[Del] All right, cheers.
17:07- Cheers.
17:08Where's Rodney tonight?
17:10- Rodney, he's around at that young Debbie's place.
17:12-[Maureen] Oh yeah?
17:12-[Del] Mm hmm.
17:13- I don't know what he sees in her.
17:15I mean, she's just a kid, innit she?
17:17- She's 19 next week, mouthy.
17:19- What about your 19th birthday, Mickey?
17:21- Yeah.
17:22- What about it?
17:23- You looking forward to it, are ya?
17:24(audience laughs)
17:2819, 19?
17:31Just a minute, that Debbie, that young Debbie,
17:32she can't be 19.
17:34- She's 19 next Wednesday, Del.
17:37- I'll tell you what, I've got an invitation
17:38to her 19th birthday party.
17:41- That's impossible.
17:43- What's the matter with you, Del?
17:44- 19 and a half years ago,
17:46me and Debbie's mum were.
17:50Oh my god.
17:52(audience laughs)
17:54- What are you talking about, Del?
17:56- Hey?
17:57- What are you talking about?
17:58- No, no, nothing.
17:58No, it's all right, forget it.
18:00Just, just no, forget it.
18:08Junie, Junie, I know why you left so suddenly
18:12all them years ago.
18:15- Do you?
18:18- Potpourri.
18:21Why didn't you tell me?
18:23- I couldn't.
18:24I didn't know how you'd take the news.
18:30- I'm just going to the bog.
18:31(audience laughs)
18:39- All right, Del boy?
18:40- No, I'm not all right, Trig.
18:42I don't know what I'm gonna do.
18:44I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
18:47- Hang on, Del.
18:48Leave it to me.
18:50Come on, hurry up.
18:51We've got an emergency out here.
18:53(audience laughs)
18:54- No, no, not that, Trigger.
18:55Come here.
18:56Listen to me.
18:57Do you remember about 20 years ago,
18:59I was engaged to that bird, right?
19:01- What, June?
19:02- Yeah, June.
19:03- Yeah, I remember her.
19:04She's back on the estate now.
19:05- That's right.
19:06Well, she's got a 19 year old kid.
19:08- Yeah, Debbie.
19:09Works in the paper shop, so what?
19:10- So what?
19:12Me and Junie broke up about 19 and a half years ago, right?
19:16That means she was expecting her at the time
19:18which means Debbie is my kid.
19:23- But she's a pretty girl.
19:25(audience laughs)
19:27- Of course she is.
19:29I mean look, it's a chip off the old block, innit, eh?
19:34- Did June say nothing to you at the time?
19:36- No, not a dicky bird.
19:37- You sure, Del?
19:39- Well, I woulda remembered something like that, Trig,
19:40wouldn't I?
19:41- You sure she's your kid?
19:43- She's gotta be.
19:44I mean, she's just gotta be.
19:47- Yeah, the little cow short changed me the other day.
19:49(audience laughs)
19:50- That is it then, isn't it?
19:53- Have you told the rest of the family?
19:54- No, no, I've only just found out myself.
19:56God knows what grandad and Rodney are gonna say
19:58when they find,
20:00Rodney, Rodney!
20:02(audience laughs)
20:18Put her down, Rodney!
20:20- You're back early, ain't ya?
20:21- Yes, ain't we just, eh?
20:24I'm going to bed, Del.
20:26-[Del] No listen, Junie, we've got to talk.
20:28- Look, I knew this is how you'd behave.
20:30That's why I didn't tell ya.
20:32I'll see you around sometime.
20:35- No listen, June.
20:36-[June] Maybe.
20:37- Look, we've gotta talk.
20:41- You made another lasting impression then I see.
20:44- Rodney, come on, get out of there, come on.
20:46Give Debbie some air.
20:47Poor girl can't breathe.
20:48- Are you all right?
20:50You want another brandy, Deb?
20:51- No, she don't.
20:52- I make my own decisions, thank you.
20:54- Yes, of course, of course.
20:56It's just that if you have too much to drink
20:58you might make yourself sick
20:59and you don't want to be ill for your party next week.
21:02It's Debbie's birthday next week, Rodney.
21:04- Yeah?
21:05I thought it was mine tonight.
21:06(audience laughs)
21:09- I'll get you a nice present, shall I, dear?
21:14I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh?
21:16A couple of hundred quid at least.
21:17No rubbish.
21:19- All right.
21:20- What's your game, Del?
21:21(audience laughs)
21:23- Just feeling generous, that's all.
21:27Come on, Rodney, I'll give you a lift home, come on.
21:29- Del, we only live 50 yards across precinct.
21:33- I know that, I know, but when I came back tonight
21:35there was a load of muggers hanging about.
21:37- Oh yeah?
21:37- Yeah.
21:41- Well, perhaps I better go, Debs.
21:42I gotta be up early.
21:43- All right, then, goodnight.
21:47- Goodnight.
21:52Pleasant dreams.
21:57(door bangs)
21:58(audience laughs)
22:02- Well, night, Debs.
22:04- Goodnight.
22:05-[Del] Come on, Rodney!
22:07(audience laughs)
22:11- Just what is your game, Del?
22:12All that shall I buy you a nice gold watch,
22:14shall I, dear?
22:15And sweet dreams.
22:18- I was just being friendly, that's all.
22:20- You're trying to pull her, innit ya?
22:21- I am not trying to pull her.
22:22(audience laughs)
22:23What do you think I am,
22:24some kind of sicko or something?
22:26- You're trying to interfere
22:27between me and Debbie, innit ya?
22:28- I am not trying to interfere, Rodney.
22:30Now listen, Rodney, look,
22:32I don't think that you two are right for each other.
22:35- It's got nothing to do with you.
22:38Me and Debbie think we're right for each other.
22:41Matter of fact, we're thinking of getting engaged.
22:43- You're what?
22:45(audience laughs)
22:47You can't get engaged to her, Rodney.
22:49What I mean is, what I mean,
22:51you're too young.
22:54- I'm 24, Del.
22:56By the time you was my age,
22:57you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the water.
22:59(audience laughs)
23:03No, you're just jealous, innit ya?
23:04You can't stand the thought that I might end up
23:05with a nice little wife.
23:10- You're gonna end up with a nice little stretch
23:11if you ain't careful.
23:14Rodney, you mustn't get engaged to her.
23:16- You give me one good reason why I mustn't.
23:19- Because she's my daughter.
23:21(audience laughs)
23:27That's why.
23:36- Debbie is your daughter?
23:37- Yeah.
23:41- No, it's not real.
23:43No, it's not happening to me.
23:44I tell you, I'm in the middle of a bad trip
23:45and I'm gonna wake up in a minute.
23:47- I've worked it out on the calculator, Rodney.
23:52Me and Junie broke up 19 and a half years ago.
23:54It's Debbie's 19th birthday next week.
23:57You're the one with the GCE in maths.
23:59You work it out yourself.
24:03- No, she probably met someone after you.
24:05- No, she was born a couple of months after.
24:08- Well then she was premature.
24:09- Premature, she'd have to be bloody instant, Rodney.
24:11(audience laughs)
24:15- But she's a pretty girl.
24:17(audience laughs)
24:20- I know that.
24:23I can see mum in her.
24:27Come on, cheer up, Rodney.
24:30- Cheer up?
24:33Del, I've just met the first girl in my life
24:35who really means something to me
24:37and it turns out to be my bloody niece.
24:40(audience laughs)
24:44- All right, Rodney, come on.
24:48That's why I had to tell you, you see?
24:51'Cause this sort of thing, it ain't allowed.
24:55It's, well it's incense.
24:57(audience laughs)
25:04Say you had got married to her, okay?
25:07You can see what sort of confusion that would've led to.
25:10I would have been your father-in-law.
25:12(audience laughs)
25:14- Bloody hell.
25:15- Your mother-in-law would've been your aunt.
25:18Your wife would've been your second cousin.
25:19(audience laughs)
25:21Lord knows what that would've made grandad.
25:22The fairy godmother, I suppose.
25:25(audience laughs)
25:26- Del, are you absolutely certain of this?
25:30- Yeah, well, certain as I'll ever be.
25:33Just think though, Rodney,
25:35young Debbie's grown up all these years
25:37and she never knew that I,
25:42I was her daddy.
25:45Think I ought to tell her?
25:48- Eh?
25:49No, no, that could come as a great disappoint,
25:52great shock.
25:54- Perhaps you're right.
25:56- You do something for me, Del?
25:57- Yeah, sure.
25:59- You go and see June, right.
26:02You go and see her and you find out if it's definitely,
26:05definitely, definite.
26:08- Yeah, tomorrow, definite, promise.
26:14- Well, I'm going to bed.
26:19I bet I'll have a nightmare.
26:24I bet I'll have a nightmare where my wife
26:25keeps calling me Uncle Rodney.
26:27(audience laughs)
26:31- All right, Del, you've got five minutes.
26:33Say what you have to say and then go.
26:35- Is Debbie in?
26:37- No, she's gone over to her aunties.
26:40Look, if you've come here to dig up the past again
26:42you can forget it.
26:43- Come on, Junie, things have got to be discussed.
26:45- What sort of things?
26:47- Look Junie, I know.
26:49- So you said last night.
26:51- Well then are you gonna tell her or shall I?
26:53- Tell her what?
26:54- Come on, June, don't play the innocent with me.
26:57Tell her that I am her father.
27:03- You're her,
27:06oh, Del, when you said you knew,
27:10I thought you really knew.
27:14Debbie's not your kid.
27:18- She is.
27:22Come on, look, she was born six months after we broke up.
27:26She's gotta be.
27:27If I'm not her father then who is?
27:33- Albie Littlewood.
27:34(audience laughs)
27:38- Albie Littlewood?
27:42Albie Littlewood,
27:45my bestest friend in all the world.
27:50Greatest pal a bloke could have.
27:55And all the time he was doinking my bird.
27:57(audience laughs)
27:59- That's why I left.
28:03- How could he do it to me?
28:05We was blood brothers.
28:07- We were just kids.
28:09We were just playing games.
28:12That night he died on the railway lines,
28:15he wasn't coming to meet you in the pub.
28:18He was coming to meet me.
28:21- Nigh on 20 years I've carried that guilt around with me.
28:25It's hung around my neck like some great two ton medallion.
28:29- Well, now you're free of it, innit ya?
28:33Albie didn't take the shortcut for you.
28:37- It's not the reason why I was feeling guilty.
28:39'Cause if he had made it across the railway lines that night
28:42he wouldn't have met me in the pub.
28:45I wasn't in the pub.
28:47I was around at his bird, Dierdre's place.
28:49(audience laughs)
28:50- You were with Dierdre?
28:53- It's all right, June.
28:55We were only playing games.
28:58Only playing games.
29:00- Well, you dirty little toe rag.
29:03- Hello, mum.
29:04- Hello, love.
29:05- I brought Micky back.
29:07We're going to my room to listen to the radio.
29:09- Good evening young Michael.
29:12All right?
29:14- What ya, Del?
29:16I just met Debbie walking across the estate.
29:18I thought I better make sure she got home safely.
29:20- Oh yes, so you thought you'd escort a young lady
29:22back to her bedroom, eh?
29:24- What's this for, you know?
29:26- Yeah, I know, Mickey.
29:30I know only too well, my son.
29:32Goodnight to you all.
29:34Oh, Mickey, make sure you don't take the shortcut
29:37across the railway line.
29:38(audience laughs)
29:46We've got some half price cracked ice
29:47And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:49TVs deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
29:52Ball games gold chains what's it's names
29:54And at a push some Trevor Francis track suits
29:56From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:58Bush bush bush bush bush bush bush
30:01No income tax no VAT
30:04No money back no guarantee
30:07Black or white rich or broke
30:10We'll cut prices at a stroke
30:15God bless Hooky Street
30:18Viva Hooky Street
30:21Long live Hooky Street
30:23C'est magnifique Hooky Street
30:27Magnifique Hooky Street