Only Fools and Horses S04E03 — Hole in One

Every line from “Hole in One” (713 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery,
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk:
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work?
00:33♫ Well la la la la
00:35♫ La la la la
00:36♫ La la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:40♫ La la la la
00:42♫ La la la la la
00:44♫ La la la la
00:46♫ La la la la
00:54(door closing)
01:08(audience laughing)
01:13- The Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick!
01:16Says it's part of his culture!
01:18- Don't think it's got anything to do with the 46 quid we
01:20already owe 'em do you?
01:21(audience laughing)
01:22- Funny enough he mentioned that!
01:27Still, it's got nothing to do with me!
01:28- That's right.
01:29- The moment you suggested going down the auction and
01:31buying on yer own, I knew there'd be trouble!
01:35But I won't say nothing on the matter Rodney.
01:37- Good.
01:38(audience laughing)
01:42- They must have seen him coming.
01:43(audience laughing)
01:49- Good morning Uncle.
01:51- Oh, morning Del.
01:51The Paki won't let us have no breakfast.
01:53- That's alright, I haven't much felt like eating, recently.
02:00What's the weather like out?
02:02- It's parky Del.
02:04- Good, good.
02:06Nice thick frost is there?
02:08- Bit slippery underfoot, yeah.
02:09- Yeah, yeah.
02:11Lots of little flecks of snow in the air, is there?
02:14- Yeah, I bit of sleet, Del, yeah.
02:15- Oh cushty.
02:17Nice northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
02:20(audience laughing)
02:21- Cuts right through you Del.
02:22- Lovely!!
02:23Because today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's
02:26foresight and GCEs,
02:29(audience laughing)
02:31while all them other plonkers down the market
02:33are selling wooly hats and thermal underwear
02:35we're gonna make a right killing.
02:38Do you know why we're gonna make a killing?
02:40(laughing) We ain't got wooly underwear.
02:44We've got sun tan lotion!
02:45(audience laughing)
02:49And we ain't got just a little drop of sun tan lotion.
02:51We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff.
02:54(audience laughing)
02:56- I've told you before, I bought it as an investment.
02:59- An investment!
03:00Menage a trois!
03:02(audience laughing)
03:04In the middle of the worst winter for two million years,
03:06with the weathermen laying odds on a new Ice Age,
03:08this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
03:13- The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer!
03:17So come May or June we can sell all of that or
03:19swap it for something else!
03:21- Like 50 or 60 anoraks maybe?
03:22(audience laughing)
03:24- You won't give me any credit, will you?
03:26- Nor will that Paki.
03:29- Just shut up Albert.
03:30- It's nothing to do with me!
03:33- That five hundred quid that you squandered on this stuff
03:35was the last of the company's capital!
03:37- And how was I supposed to know that?
03:39- How were you supposed to know that?
03:40You're the firm's accountant, you wally!
03:43(audience laughing)
03:45- Throwing that at me now are you?
03:46- Oh, look at that,
03:49we've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.
03:54- It can't be that bad Del.
03:55There must be something you can knock out?
03:57- Yeah, I know what I would like to knock out.
03:59(audience laughing)
04:01- What's in the van?
04:02- Nothing.
04:03- What's in the garage?
04:04- The van.
04:06- The only thing we've knocked out in the last month
04:08was that electric deep-fryer to the governor
04:11at the Nag's Head, and I'm waiting for a comeback on that.
04:13- It's him, ain't it?
04:15I mean, ever since he come to live here
04:17we've had nothing but bad luck.
04:19- What's he on about now?
04:20- Oh I don't know.
04:21- Alright, what about the time he was in the navy.
04:24Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed
04:26or dive- bombed!
04:29Two of them in peacetime!
04:31(audience laughing)
04:33Del, that man is a jinx!
04:34- Oh leave it out Rodney.
04:36Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next.
04:46I went down and ordered Grandad's headstone the other day.
04:50Beautiful thing it is!
04:53It's got all angels and things round it
04:56and it's got this great big eagle with a scroll in its foot.
05:01Of course, I think I'll have to cancel that now.
05:05That'll cheer 'em up down at the plastics factory
05:06won't it, eh?
05:07(audience laughing)
05:08They've gone and bought all the fiberglass and everything.
05:12- Something's bound to turn up Del.
05:15He who dares, eh?
05:16- If you say so Rodney, if you say so.
05:17- I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas what
05:20pick up with these rich old widows,
05:22what they call 'em?
05:24Toy boys.
05:28You wanna see the stuff they pick out for presents.
05:31Solid gold watches, sports cars, money.
05:34Might be worth considering!
05:39- Well, we both admire your spirit Uncle,
05:40but don't you think you've left it bit late
05:42for that sort of thing.
05:45- I'm not talking about me!
05:46I meant you!
05:48- Me?
05:49I'm not selling my body to some old tart, thank you.
05:53(audience laughing)
05:54- Not even for the family?
05:56- Especially not for the family!
05:59I'm not gonna let myself become some hooker!
06:03(audience laughing)
06:08- Listen Uncle.
06:09You came to stay with us for a couple of nights,
06:12about four weeks ago.
06:14So you don't know us very well.
06:16So let me explain something to you you see.
06:19You see, you can't expect Rodney to go
06:22and do something like that!
06:24I mean even I wouldn't expect
06:25Rodney to do something like that!
06:27(audience laughing)
06:32- I suppose it was too much to ask.
06:34Sorry Del.
06:35- That's alright!
06:37I mean, Rodney can't even give it away let alone flog it!
06:39(audience laughing)
06:44(car backfiring)
06:51(audience laughing)
06:56- Here you are, look,
06:57stick that on the windscreen, will you?
07:00(audience laughing)
07:06- Couldn't we sell this and get something more useful?
07:09- Like what?
07:10- Like a bus pass.
07:11(audience laughing)
07:12- I ain't in the mood Rodney,
07:14I'm just not in the mood, alright.
07:19Be handy if one of them was to accidentally fall in our
07:21direction wouldn't it, eh?
07:22- Leave off Del!
07:23- You've got nowhere to hide it!
07:29- Yeah, well, that's what I meant.
07:32- I suppose you're right, come on.
07:37- Hello Mike.
07:40How's that deepfryer Del sold you?
07:47- I want a word with you Trotter.
07:50- Yes, yes, of course Michael.
07:52I'll be in the office.
07:58What are you trying to do to me?
08:00- I didn't know Del Boy!
08:02- Del, I've just had a thought
08:04where we could hide one of them barrels.
08:05- Yeah, where?
08:06- In his mouth.
08:07(audience laughing)
08:10-[Maureen] That's enough, thanks Mike.
08:12- Come on darling, I ordered chicken in a basket
08:14half hour ago.
08:15What you waiting for, the egg to hatch?
08:17(laughing)
08:18- It's not my fault.
08:19Our deep- fryer's on the blink.
08:21(audience laughing)
08:25Ain't customers stupid, eh?
08:30- Put it like that, I suppose they are.
08:32Here you are, come on, get that down your neck, a small rum.
08:37- Just to keep the cold out Del!
08:38- Make the most of it, could be your last!
08:40- I've been thinking!
08:42- Oh leave it out Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.
08:45(audience laughing)
08:47- Hang on, right, now look,
08:48when I was studying for my GCE in Maths, right
08:50I had to learn to do cross-canceling equations.
08:55The idea is, you list all your problems and then eradicate
08:59them using a process of elimination,
09:02thus discovering the solution.
09:04That's what I've been doing.
09:06- Go on then, I'm game.
09:08Go on.
09:10- One, we are traders who have nothing to sell, right?
09:15- Yeah.
09:17- Two, we are traders who have no money to buy with.
09:21Correct?
09:21- I'm gonna smack you right in the bloody mouth in a minute.
09:25(audience laughing)
09:26- Hang on.
09:27Three...
09:29Oh no, there ain't a three.
09:30(audience laughing)
09:32So, the solution to our problem is thus:
09:36We have to find a way of making money out of nothing.
09:40(audience laughing)
09:44-[Both] Yeah?
09:47- Oh, I don't know how we do it, that's the answer!
09:49(audience laughing)
09:51- And you had to use ink to come to that conclusion?
09:53Stone me Rodney, a Millwall fan could have worked that out!
09:57(audience laughing)
09:59- Don't keep on at me Del, at least I'm trying ain't I?
10:01Which is more than I can say for you.
10:02- Me, I wasn't the one that spent 500 quid
10:04on all that rubbish.
10:05- Would you get of my back...
10:06- Pack it in you two!
10:08Look at you, you're at each other's throats.
10:10Bloody money, whether you've got too much of it or
10:14not enough, it always causes trouble.
10:16Don't worry, something will turn up, you see.
10:21I'll see you two later.
10:23- Yeah, yeah alright.
10:25- D'you think we ought to go with him
10:27in case he gets mugged?
10:29- Nah, he's skint anyway!
10:31(audience laughing)
10:33Well that's it, ain't it?
10:35I'm gonna have to pawn all the jewelry again.
10:37Honestly these rings they know more about hock
10:39than a German wine taster.
10:42- Something's gonna turn up Del.
10:44- What, with our luck?
10:44If I threw a fiver into the air it'd come down as a summons.
10:49I don't ask much out of life do I, eh?
10:51Only an 'apenny more than I can spend.
10:52And look at me, look, I'm gutted!
10:54It's all your fault Rodney!
10:55- Oh don't start all that again.
10:56- Well it is.
10:58I mean ever since you were that high you've done
11:00nothing but hold me back.
11:02- I held you back?
11:03- Yeah, I mean, when Mum died
11:05I should have had you put into care.
11:07I would have been someone by now.
11:09I would have done, I would have probably had me
11:11own penthouse, and I would have had an Aston Martin with
11:13a telephone an' all that.
11:14- Well, I'll tell you something Del.
11:15You'd have been doing me a favor if you'd had put me
11:17into care!
11:18'Cos at least then I might have got a proper job
11:20when I left school,
11:21instead of humping your old suitcase all over London.
11:23- But you didn't wanna leave school did you?
11:26If it'd been up to you, you would have been
11:27there drawing your old age pension.
11:29(audience laughing)
11:30- I only wanted to stay there while I got GCEs in
11:32Maths and Art!
11:33- And a lot of good they done the firm.
11:35The only time your GCE has come in handy was that
11:37time when I asked you to count them tins of paint.
11:39(audience laughing)
11:40(banging)
11:43(glass breaking)
11:45What the bloody hell's that?
11:45- You don't think it was that deep-fryer do you?
11:47(audience laughing)
11:48- I'm not gonna stay to find out.
11:50Come on, let's look lively, come on.
11:53- Del!
11:54- Yeah, won't be a minute love.
11:54- Yeah, we've just got to...
11:55- It's your Uncle Albert!
11:56- What about Uncle Albert?
11:57- He's fallen down our cellar, quick.
11:59- Fallen down the cellar?
12:08Well?
12:09- No, no, no, Del the old neck's gone.
12:12- No, no, no, I mean, what happened?
12:15- I don't know.
12:16I just looked up,
12:17and there was Albert plummeting towards me.
12:21- Hold on, where is he?
12:23- Oh he's over there somewhere.
12:26- How the hell did he get over there?
12:28- He hit the plank and bounced!
12:30(audience laughing)
12:31He went through the air like one of them springboard divers.
12:35My neck don't half hurt, Del.
12:36- Your neck.
12:37Your neck.
12:38Uncle Albert nearly ends up in a Jumbo's flightpath,
12:39and all you can think about is your rotten Gregory!
12:42Oh come on.
12:44- Are you alright?
12:45- I'm a bit shaken and dazed Rodney.
12:48- It's probably jet-lag.
12:50(audience laughing)
12:52Come on, get him onto his feet Rodney.
12:53Come on, up you come.
12:55- Fancy leaving an open cellar door unguarded.
12:57I've got a good mind to sue the brewery.
12:59- Yeah, put yer arm around Rodney's.
13:00Sue the brewery.
13:01Put him down.
13:02What the hell d'you think you're doing?
13:05- Del, you just said pick him up.
13:06- Yeah, I know what I just said but you don't know what sort
13:08of damage he's done.
13:09He might have broken something.
13:10- Yeah he has!
13:11About four dozen bottles of Guiness!
13:12(audience laughing)
13:14Come on Del, there's nothing wrong with him.
13:15He said so himself.
13:17- Yeah, but how does he know that?
13:18How does he know that?
13:19He might have hit his head and got percussion!
13:21Look, the first thing to do in first aid is
13:24never move the victim, right?
13:27- You'll have to move me soon Del,
13:28the last bell's just gone!
13:30- See that, he's got ringing sounds in his ears.
13:34This is even worse than I thought Rodney.
13:36Quick nip upstairs and get on the telephone, yeah,
13:37phone for a solicitor.
13:39- Yeah.
13:39(audience laughing)
13:42A solicitor?
13:45Del you can't sue!
13:48- You don't wanna put money on it do you, eh?
13:50Him falling down that hole could be the biggest bit
13:52of luck we've had in years.
13:54- But Del, if he'd hurt himself there'd be little signs,
13:56wouldn't there, like blood and pain.
13:59His hat ain't come off.
14:01- How's that, alright.
14:02- Don't give us all that Quincy cobblers Rodney.
14:05You don't know how bad I am.
14:08- You see, you don't know how bad he is.
14:09Now quick whip upstairs and phone Solly Attwell.
14:12You'll find his number in the Yellow Pages.
14:15Go on, look lively.
14:15- Solly Atwell's our solicitor?
14:16Bloody 'ell, he's more bent than the villains!
14:19(audience laughing)
14:20- That's the sort of man we need in a case like this,
14:22a specialist!
14:24Go on then, get on the blower!
14:26- You don't mind if I phone for an ambulance first, do you?
14:29- Ambulance, ambulance!
14:31Good thinking.
14:32That'll look great on the report.
14:33Well done, Rodney.
14:34Go on, away you go.
14:37The old brewery are gonna pay through the nose for this.
14:40- I told you something'd turn up, didn't I Del?
14:42- That's alright Uncle, you just conserve yer oxygen.
14:45That's right.
14:47Uncle Albert, did I hear you groaning in pain?
14:49- No?
14:50- Well why not?
14:51Come on.
14:52(Albert groaning in pain) (audience laughing)
14:57Well, what do you reckon, Solly?
14:58- I'm afraid it's bad news Derek,
15:00I'd brace yourselves if I was you.
15:03According to this medical report and the X-ray they took,
15:05there's nothing wrong with him.
15:09- There's gotta be something wrong with him.
15:11He was none too clever before he fell down the hole!
15:13(audience laughing)
15:14- Sorry Del Boy.
15:15Not a mark, scratch, abrasion or bruise.
15:18He must have landed on something soft.
15:20- Yeah he did, the landlord.
15:21- If I were you Del Boy I'd accept the brewery's offer.
15:25- What offer?
15:26- Their solicitors phoned me today.
15:28To save any adverse publicity they're willing to
15:30settle out of court for 2000 pounds.
15:33- Two grand?
15:35- Take the money Del.
15:36- No, I wanted more than that.
15:38I wanted enough money to set us up proper.
15:42Wait a minute, if they're willing to settle for
15:452000 pounds out of court,
15:48think what they'll settle for in court.
15:51- But Del, there's nothing wrong with him.
15:53- Well it ain't my bloody fault is it?
15:55- Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!
15:58Now perhaps we should look at the case from another angle.
16:02I mean we've only been considering the physical damage.
16:06But what about this?
16:11- We ain't gonna get a lot for his bloody hat are we.
16:13(audience laughing)
16:15- No, I mean his, his mind Derek!
16:17Psychological injuries.
16:18- Will the court swallow that?
16:19- If you three say the right things they will.
16:21Hey listen, there was a case in America where this chap fell
16:25down a manhole and, like your Uncle,
16:27he sustained no physical injuries.
16:30Yet he successfully sued the Los Angeles City council
16:33for $30 million!
16:36-[Both] Thirty million?
16:39- He claimed the accident had ruined his sex life.
16:41(audience laughing)
16:44- At that rate we'll get one pound and 75 pence.
16:47(audience laughing)
16:49- We're not claiming anything like that.
16:51I'm just giving you that as an example
16:53of how these unseen injuries can mount up in the old
16:58compo stakes.
16:59Now, look at the facts as I see them.
17:02An elderly man who fought bravely for his country,
17:06sailing the seven seas enduring that Britain never, never,
17:09never shall be slaves,
17:12has had his retirement, his few well earned years of rest,
17:16ruined by the negligence of a multi-national company.
17:20An active man struck down by the thoughtless action
17:26of this mammoth, rich corporation.
17:31The bouts of amnesia, the fear of the outside world and,
17:35most distressing of all, losing the use of his legs.
17:41- Sit!
17:42(audience laughing)
17:44Right, that's it, do the bizzo Solly!
17:47Alright listen, I want no Mickey Mouse magistrates.
17:50I want the High Court, I want a pukka brief,
17:53you know black cape, crown-topper, all the X's, alright?
17:56Right Solly?
17:57- I'll set the wheels in motion.
17:59Oh, I shall need a list of witnesses.
18:01- No, see, there weren't no witnesses.
18:02- Will 10 do?
18:04-[Solly] Lovely!
18:05(audience laughing)
18:07- Now Mr Trotter, you were standing outside
18:09the Nag's Head public house when this
18:12tragic accident occurred?
18:13- Yes.
18:14- You saw the incident clearly?
18:16- Yes.
18:18- Would you tell the court what happened?
18:22- My uncle fell down a hole.
18:24(audience laughing)
18:26- Yes.
18:27Would you tell the court how he fell down the hole?
18:33- Well, it was...
18:36(audience laughing)
18:40- No, no Mister Trotter.
18:41Did he trip, did he stumble?
18:44- Oh, No.
18:46Well, he sort of walked and then fell down the hole.
18:51(audience laughing)
18:53- Didn't he see the warning notice?
18:57- There was no warning notice.
18:58- Wasn't he stopped by the guard rail?
19:01- There was no guard rail either.
19:02- I see.
19:04No warning notice, no guard rail.
19:06Sounds very dangerous to me.
19:08- Yes.
19:09I can remember thinking to myself at the time,
19:12"That's rather dangerous, someone could fall down that."
19:16- And how right you were.
19:19So, you ran straight down to the cellar?
19:21- Yes.
19:23- And were you the first person to find your Uncle?
19:25- Yes.
19:27- What did he look like?
19:29- Horrible!
19:30(audience laughing)
19:34-[Frazer] Would you please tell the court,
19:35are you related to the plaintiff?
19:37- No, no I just drink in his pub.
19:39That little one there is me Uncle.
19:41- Quite!
19:42- I saw it all your worship, utter negligence,
19:45a complete disregard for public safety.
19:48- Yes, yes, quite.
19:49Mister Frazer, I don't think we need concern ourselves any
19:52further with the accident itself.
19:55I believe liability has been proved quite conclusively.
19:59- Much obliged to your honor.
20:00Let us move on now to the after-effects of the accident.
20:03Has your Uncle changed in any way since this happened?
20:06- Do what?
20:07Oh yeah, oh yeah.
20:08He's a completely different man now.
20:09I mean he used to be so active.
20:11You know it was full of swimming, sponsored walks,
20:13marathon, you know.
20:14(audience laughing)
20:15Well they used to call him the Jimmy Savile of Peckham.
20:18Well, he was always out and about,
20:20you'd rarely find him in.
20:22- And now?
20:22- Well, now he is like the Olympic flame,
20:26he never goes out your lordship.
20:28Locked in his room, he's frightened he might fall
20:32own another hole.
20:33- And how has the gradual loss of feeling
20:35in his leg affected him?
20:38- Well, how would it affect you Captain?
20:40I mean, one minute, you know he's there doing his
20:42acrobatics to his Bizzy Lizzy LP,
20:45and then the next minute he has to ask us
20:47whether or not he's got his shoes on.
20:49But I mean, the worst is, the worstest thing of all
20:52your honor, is these sudden bouts of amnesia.
20:56You know, they have led to him having some very nasty falls.
21:00- I fail to see the connection.
21:02How can amnesia cause one to fall?
21:04- He keeps forgetting he can't walk!
21:05(audience laughing)
21:09- I have no further questions m'lud.
21:11- Mister Gerrard?
21:12- No questions your honor.
21:14- You may stand down Mister Trotter.
21:16- Stand down?
21:17I've only just started.
21:18I've got loads more I could tell you!
21:19- That will be all Mister Trotter, thank you.
21:23(audience laughing)
21:30- Alright Mike?
21:31(groaning in pain)
21:32How we doing Solly?
21:33- We're home and dry.
21:34This could be a 10 grander coming up here!
21:36(Del snickering)
21:37- Mister Frazer, do you intend calling any more witnesses?
21:39- I have no further witnesses m'lud.
21:41- Mister Gerrard?
21:42- Just one your honor.
21:43I call the plaintiff, Albert Gladstone Trotter.
21:48(wheelchair squeaking)
21:51- I thought you said they wouldn't call him?
21:52- I said we wouldn't call him!
21:53Look don't worry, I've already briefed him.
21:55Any awkward questions he just claims loss of memory.
21:58- Loss of memory!
21:59Knowing him he'll forget.
22:00(audience laughing)
22:02- Take the book in your right hand and read the card.
22:05- There's no need to stand Mister Trotter.
22:07Please remain seated.
22:08- Thank you your worship.
22:14I swear to tell the truth,
22:15the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
22:17- You are Albert Gladstone Trotter,
22:20presently residing at 368 Nelson Mandela House,
22:23Dockside Estate, Peckham?
22:25- I think so sir.
22:28- Yes, I'll make this as brief as possible Mister Trotter,
22:31I realize how distressing this must be for you.
22:34Do you have any recollection of the accident?
22:38- Very little sir.
22:41One minute I was walking along, on me way to post
22:44me entry form for The Krypton Factor.
22:47(audience laughing)
22:49Anyway, next I was falling through the air!
22:52All me life flashed before me!
22:54The battle of the River Plate, the sinking of the Graf Spee,
22:58raid on Telemar.
22:59(groaning in pain)
23:01- Silence that man!
23:02- Sorry your honor!
23:04- After that it's all a blank.
23:06Me memory keeps going, see.
23:07- Have you ever suffered with amnesia before?
23:09- I can't remember.
23:11(audience laughing)
23:13- I see.
23:14But you can remember the war?
23:15After all, you have all your ribbons there to remind you.
23:19Where were you based Mister Trotter?
23:22- I was overseas sir.
23:24- Really, how odd!
23:26I looked into your naval record and it seems
23:28that you spent the best part of the war stationed in a
23:31storage depot on the Isle of Wight.
23:33(audience laughing)
23:35Hardly overseas.
23:37- You wanna try walking it pal!
23:38(audience laughing)
23:42- I also noticed Mister Trotter that in May, 1944,
23:46you were one of several naval ratings,
23:49seconded to a Marine parachute unit,
23:51specially formed for missions behind enemy lines.
23:54I believe you were involved in laundry matters.
23:57But whilst with this unit you underwent
24:00basic parachute training.
24:02Would you tell the court what this training consisted of?
24:07- Jumping off of things.
24:09- "Jumping off of things." In other words,
24:12learning to fall without injuring oneself!
24:16- My memory ain't what it used to be your worship.
24:19- I sympathize Mister Trotter and I intend
24:21to help you as much as I can.
24:23Tell me, could you possibly be the same
24:25Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1946,
24:29fell down the cellar of the Victory Inn, Portsmouth,
24:32and received 100 pounds compensation?
24:35- I can't remember that far back sir.
24:37- Well, let's try a more recent case then.
24:38Could you be the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who,
24:43in 1951, fell down the cellar of the Coach and Horses,
24:46Peckham Rye, and received a 225 pound
24:50out of court settlement?
24:52- Me mind's a blank.
24:54- Maybe you were the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who,
24:58in 1949, fell down the cellar of the
25:00Crossed Keys off-licence, Gravesend?
25:03How about the Thatched Inn, Canning Town,
25:05or does the Brunswick Club, New Cross, ring a bell?
25:09- I don't believe it!
25:11(audience laughing)
25:13- It's a bloody nightmare Rodney,
25:15it's a bloody nightmare!
25:17He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin.
25:19(audience laughing)
25:29I don't believe it!
25:31I do not believe what that garrity old git has done to us!
25:35I mean, the only hole he hasn't fallen down
25:37is the black one in Calcutta!
25:39(audience laughing)
25:41What is it the insurance companies nicknamed him?
25:44- The ferret.
25:45- The ferret! (audience laughing)
25:47- He's had 15 previous lawsuits for falling down holes.
25:51- Those are the known cases Rodney.
25:53I mean, how many times has the landlord settled out
25:55of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro?
25:58(squeaking)
26:01(audience laughing)
26:07Alright, come on, how many pubs, off-licences and
26:10drinking clubs have you done in your time?
26:13- Well, quite a few Del.
26:14The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest.
26:19But 'cos I'd learnt to fall properly I didn't hurt myself,
26:23but I still got compensation out of it and I thought,
26:25"This is handy!" So, whenever me and yer Grandad
26:29was hard up for a few bob well I'd go'n fall down a hole.
26:35(audience laughing)
26:37I was only tryin' to help.
26:38- Only tryin' to help?
26:40I was nearly done for contempt of court.
26:43His name's been sent to the director of public prosecution
26:46and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get
26:50defrocked!
26:52And you were only tryin' to help?
26:54- I said I'm sorry Rodney.
26:55I didn't wanna do it.
26:57I mean, I'm past all that stunt-man lark.
27:00But you two have been good to me these past few weeks.
27:04And I wanted to get some money to
27:06well, repay you.
27:12And I wanted to get yer Grandad his headstone.
27:24- You did it for Grandad's headstone?
27:27- He was my older brother Del.
27:30When I was a kid he used to look after me.
27:34I never did anything for him,
27:36never had the chance to, until now.
27:43Sorry boys.
27:53- Yeah, yeah, alright don't worry about it Uncle Albert.
28:03Come on Rodney, let's get Ironside home!
28:14- It's turned out nice innit boys?
28:17-[Rodney] Terrific.
28:20- I'd better knock out some of that sun tan lotion, eh?
28:25'Ere just a, just a minute why am I pushing you?
28:30You can walk you lazy old sod!
28:31(audience laughing)
28:33- Oh yeah, I forgot!
28:34- Oh had another little bout of amnesia, eh Del!
28:38- Now don't you start all that blackout nonsense with me
28:40Uncle 'cos it won't wash!
28:42(cheering and applause)
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29:16♫ God bless Hooky Street
29:19♫ Viva Hooky Street
29:22♫ Long live Hooky Street
29:25♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
29:28♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street
29:32♫ Hooky Street