Only Fools and Horses S04E03 — Hole in One

Every line from “Hole in One” (713 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S04E03 meme — “Him falling down that hole could be the biggest bit”

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery,
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk:
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work?
00:33♫ Well la la la la
00:35♫ La la la la
00:36♫ La la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:40♫ La la la la
00:42♫ La la la la la
00:44♫ La la la la
00:46♫ La la la la
00:54(door closing)
01:08(audience laughing)
01:13- The Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick!
01:16Says it's part of his culture!
01:18- Don't think it's got anything to do with the 46 quid we
01:20already owe 'em do you?
01:21(audience laughing)
01:22- Funny enough he mentioned that!
01:27Still, it's got nothing to do with me!
01:28- That's right.
01:29- The moment you suggested going down the auction and
01:31buying on yer own, I knew there'd be trouble!
01:35But I won't say nothing on the matter Rodney.
01:37- Good.
01:38(audience laughing)
01:42- They must have seen him coming.
01:43(audience laughing)
01:49- Good morning Uncle.
01:51- Oh, morning Del.
01:51The Paki won't let us have no breakfast.
01:53- That's alright, I haven't much felt like eating, recently.
02:00What's the weather like out?
02:02- It's parky Del.
02:04- Good, good.
02:06Nice thick frost is there?
02:08- Bit slippery underfoot, yeah.
02:09- Yeah, yeah.
02:11Lots of little flecks of snow in the air, is there?
02:14- Yeah, I bit of sleet, Del, yeah.
02:15- Oh cushty.
02:17Nice northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
02:20(audience laughing)
02:21- Cuts right through you Del.
02:22- Lovely!!
02:23Because today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's
02:26foresight and GCEs,
02:29(audience laughing)
02:31while all them other plonkers down the market
02:33are selling wooly hats and thermal underwear
02:35we're gonna make a right killing.
02:38Do you know why we're gonna make a killing?
02:40(laughing) We ain't got wooly underwear.
02:44We've got sun tan lotion!
02:45(audience laughing)
02:49And we ain't got just a little drop of sun tan lotion.
02:51We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff.
02:54(audience laughing)
02:56- I've told you before, I bought it as an investment.
02:59- An investment!
03:00Menage a trois!
03:02(audience laughing)
03:04In the middle of the worst winter for two million years,
03:06with the weathermen laying odds on a new Ice Age,
03:08this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
03:13- The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer!
03:17So come May or June we can sell all of that or
03:19swap it for something else!
03:21- Like 50 or 60 anoraks maybe?
03:22(audience laughing)
03:24- You won't give me any credit, will you?
03:26- Nor will that Paki.
03:29- Just shut up Albert.
03:30- It's nothing to do with me!
03:33- That five hundred quid that you squandered on this stuff
03:35was the last of the company's capital!
03:37- And how was I supposed to know that?
03:39- How were you supposed to know that?
03:40You're the firm's accountant, you wally!
03:43(audience laughing)
03:45- Throwing that at me now are you?
03:46- Oh, look at that,
03:49we've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.
03:54- It can't be that bad Del.
03:55There must be something you can knock out?
03:57- Yeah, I know what I would like to knock out.
03:59(audience laughing)
04:01- What's in the van?
04:02- Nothing.
04:03- What's in the garage?
04:04- The van.
04:06- The only thing we've knocked out in the last month
04:08was that electric deep-fryer to the governor
04:11at the Nag's Head, and I'm waiting for a comeback on that.
04:13- It's him, ain't it?
04:15I mean, ever since he come to live here
04:17we've had nothing but bad luck.
04:19- What's he on about now?
04:20- Oh I don't know.
04:21- Alright, what about the time he was in the navy.
04:24Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed
04:26or dive- bombed!
04:29Two of them in peacetime!
04:31(audience laughing)
04:33Del, that man is a jinx!
04:34- Oh leave it out Rodney.
04:36Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next.
04:46I went down and ordered Grandad's headstone the other day.
04:50Beautiful thing it is!
04:53It's got all angels and things round it
04:56and it's got this great big eagle with a scroll in its foot.
05:01Of course, I think I'll have to cancel that now.
05:05That'll cheer 'em up down at the plastics factory
05:06won't it, eh?
05:07(audience laughing)
05:08They've gone and bought all the fiberglass and everything.
05:12- Something's bound to turn up Del.
05:15He who dares, eh?
05:16- If you say so Rodney, if you say so.
05:17- I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas what
05:20pick up with these rich old widows,
05:22what they call 'em?
05:24Toy boys.
05:28You wanna see the stuff they pick out for presents.
05:31Solid gold watches, sports cars, money.
05:34Might be worth considering!
05:39- Well, we both admire your spirit Uncle,
05:40but don't you think you've left it bit late
05:42for that sort of thing.
05:45- I'm not talking about me!
05:46I meant you!
05:48- Me?
05:49I'm not selling my body to some old tart, thank you.
05:53(audience laughing)
05:54- Not even for the family?
05:56- Especially not for the family!
05:59I'm not gonna let myself become some hooker!
06:03(audience laughing)
06:08- Listen Uncle.
06:09You came to stay with us for a couple of nights,
06:12about four weeks ago.
06:14So you don't know us very well.
06:16So let me explain something to you you see.
06:19You see, you can't expect Rodney to go
06:22and do something like that!
06:24I mean even I wouldn't expect
06:25Rodney to do something like that!
06:27(audience laughing)
06:32- I suppose it was too much to ask.
06:34Sorry Del.
06:35- That's alright!
06:37I mean, Rodney can't even give it away let alone flog it!
06:39(audience laughing)
06:44(car backfiring)
06:51(audience laughing)
06:56- Here you are, look,
06:57stick that on the windscreen, will you?
07:00(audience laughing)
07:06- Couldn't we sell this and get something more useful?
07:09- Like what?
07:10- Like a bus pass.
07:11(audience laughing)
07:12- I ain't in the mood Rodney,
07:14I'm just not in the mood, alright.
07:19Be handy if one of them was to accidentally fall in our
07:21direction wouldn't it, eh?
07:22- Leave off Del!
07:23- You've got nowhere to hide it!
07:29- Yeah, well, that's what I meant.
07:32- I suppose you're right, come on.
07:37- Hello Mike.
07:40How's that deepfryer Del sold you?
07:47- I want a word with you Trotter.
07:50- Yes, yes, of course Michael.
07:52I'll be in the office.
07:58What are you trying to do to me?
08:00- I didn't know Del Boy!
08:02- Del, I've just had a thought
08:04where we could hide one of them barrels.
08:05- Yeah, where?
08:06- In his mouth.
08:07(audience laughing)
08:10-[Maureen] That's enough, thanks Mike.
08:12- Come on darling, I ordered chicken in a basket
08:14half hour ago.
08:15What you waiting for, the egg to hatch?
08:17(laughing)
08:18- It's not my fault.
08:19Our deep- fryer's on the blink.
08:21(audience laughing)
08:25Ain't customers stupid, eh?
08:30- Put it like that, I suppose they are.
08:32Here you are, come on, get that down your neck, a small rum.
08:37- Just to keep the cold out Del!
08:38- Make the most of it, could be your last!
08:40- I've been thinking!
08:42- Oh leave it out Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.
08:45(audience laughing)
08:47- Hang on, right, now look,
08:48when I was studying for my GCE in Maths, right
08:50I had to learn to do cross-canceling equations.
08:55The idea is, you list all your problems and then eradicate
08:59them using a process of elimination,
09:02thus discovering the solution.
09:04That's what I've been doing.
09:06- Go on then, I'm game.
09:08Go on.
09:10- One, we are traders who have nothing to sell, right?
09:15- Yeah.
09:17- Two, we are traders who have no money to buy with.
09:21Correct?
09:21- I'm gonna smack you right in the bloody mouth in a minute.
09:25(audience laughing)
09:26- Hang on.
09:27Three...
09:29Oh no, there ain't a three.
09:30(audience laughing)
09:32So, the solution to our problem is thus:
09:36We have to find a way of making money out of nothing.
09:40(audience laughing)
09:44-[Both] Yeah?
09:47- Oh, I don't know how we do it, that's the answer!
09:49(audience laughing)
09:51- And you had to use ink to come to that conclusion?
09:53Stone me Rodney, a Millwall fan could have worked that out!
09:57(audience laughing)
09:59- Don't keep on at me Del, at least I'm trying ain't I?
10:01Which is more than I can say for you.
10:02- Me, I wasn't the one that spent 500 quid
10:04on all that rubbish.
10:05- Would you get of my back...
10:06- Pack it in you two!
10:08Look at you, you're at each other's throats.
10:10Bloody money, whether you've got too much of it or
10:14not enough, it always causes trouble.
10:16Don't worry, something will turn up, you see.
10:21I'll see you two later.
10:23- Yeah, yeah alright.
10:25- D'you think we ought to go with him
10:27in case he gets mugged?
10:29- Nah, he's skint anyway!
10:31(audience laughing)
10:33Well that's it, ain't it?
10:35I'm gonna have to pawn all the jewelry again.
10:37Honestly these rings they know more about hock
10:39than a German wine taster.
10:42- Something's gonna turn up Del.
10:44- What, with our luck?
10:44If I threw a fiver into the air it'd come down as a summons.
10:49I don't ask much out of life do I, eh?
10:51Only an 'apenny more than I can spend.
10:52And look at me, look, I'm gutted!
10:54It's all your fault Rodney!
10:55- Oh don't start all that again.
10:56- Well it is.
10:58I mean ever since you were that high you've done
11:00nothing but hold me back.
11:02- I held you back?
11:03- Yeah, I mean, when Mum died
11:05I should have had you put into care.
11:07I would have been someone by now.
11:09I would have done, I would have probably had me
11:11own penthouse, and I would have had an Aston Martin with
11:13a telephone an' all that.
11:14- Well, I'll tell you something Del.
11:15You'd have been doing me a favor if you'd had put me
11:17into care!
11:18'Cos at least then I might have got a proper job
11:20when I left school,
11:21instead of humping your old suitcase all over London.
11:23- But you didn't wanna leave school did you?
11:26If it'd been up to you, you would have been
11:27there drawing your old age pension.
11:29(audience laughing)
11:30- I only wanted to stay there while I got GCEs in
11:32Maths and Art!
11:33- And a lot of good they done the firm.
11:35The only time your GCE has come in handy was that
11:37time when I asked you to count them tins of paint.
11:39(audience laughing)
11:40(banging)
11:43(glass breaking)
11:45What the bloody hell's that?
11:45- You don't think it was that deep-fryer do you?
11:47(audience laughing)
11:48- I'm not gonna stay to find out.
11:50Come on, let's look lively, come on.
11:53- Del!
11:54- Yeah, won't be a minute love.
11:54- Yeah, we've just got to...
11:55- It's your Uncle Albert!
11:56- What about Uncle Albert?
11:57- He's fallen down our cellar, quick.
11:59- Fallen down the cellar?
12:08Well?
12:09- No, no, no, Del the old neck's gone.
12:12- No, no, no, I mean, what happened?
12:15- I don't know.
12:16I just looked up,
12:17and there was Albert plummeting towards me.
12:21- Hold on, where is he?
12:23- Oh he's over there somewhere.
12:26- How the hell did he get over there?
12:28- He hit the plank and bounced!
12:30(audience laughing)
12:31He went through the air like one of them springboard divers.
12:35My neck don't half hurt, Del.
12:36- Your neck.
12:37Your neck.
12:38Uncle Albert nearly ends up in a Jumbo's flightpath,
12:39and all you can think about is your rotten Gregory!
12:42Oh come on.
12:44- Are you alright?
12:45- I'm a bit shaken and dazed Rodney.
12:48- It's probably jet-lag.
12:50(audience laughing)
12:52Come on, get him onto his feet Rodney.
12:53Come on, up you come.
12:55- Fancy leaving an open cellar door unguarded.
12:57I've got a good mind to sue the brewery.
12:59- Yeah, put yer arm around Rodney's.
13:00Sue the brewery.
13:01Put him down.
13:02What the hell d'you think you're doing?
13:05- Del, you just said pick him up.
13:06- Yeah, I know what I just said but you don't know what sort
13:08of damage he's done.
13:09He might have broken something.
13:10- Yeah he has!
13:11About four dozen bottles of Guiness!
13:12(audience laughing)
13:14Come on Del, there's nothing wrong with him.
13:15He said so himself.
13:17- Yeah, but how does he know that?
13:18How does he know that?
13:19He might have hit his head and got percussion!
13:21Look, the first thing to do in first aid is
13:24never move the victim, right?
13:27- You'll have to move me soon Del,
13:28the last bell's just gone!
13:30- See that, he's got ringing sounds in his ears.
13:34This is even worse than I thought Rodney.
13:36Quick nip upstairs and get on the telephone, yeah,
13:37phone for a solicitor.
13:39- Yeah.
13:39(audience laughing)
13:42A solicitor?
13:45Del you can't sue!
13:48- You don't wanna put money on it do you, eh?
13:50Him falling down that hole could be the biggest bit
13:52of luck we've had in years.
13:54- But Del, if he'd hurt himself there'd be little signs,
13:56wouldn't there, like blood and pain.
13:59His hat ain't come off.
14:01- How's that, alright.
14:02- Don't give us all that Quincy cobblers Rodney.
14:05You don't know how bad I am.
14:08- You see, you don't know how bad he is.
14:09Now quick whip upstairs and phone Solly Attwell.
14:12You'll find his number in the Yellow Pages.
14:15Go on, look lively.
14:15- Solly Atwell's our solicitor?
14:16Bloody 'ell, he's more bent than the villains!
14:19(audience laughing)
14:20- That's the sort of man we need in a case like this,
14:22a specialist!
14:24Go on then, get on the blower!
14:26- You don't mind if I phone for an ambulance first, do you?
14:29- Ambulance, ambulance!
14:31Good thinking.
14:32That'll look great on the report.
14:33Well done, Rodney.
14:34Go on, away you go.
14:37The old brewery are gonna pay through the nose for this.
14:40- I told you something'd turn up, didn't I Del?
14:42- That's alright Uncle, you just conserve yer oxygen.
14:45That's right.
14:47Uncle Albert, did I hear you groaning in pain?
14:49- No?
14:50- Well why not?
14:51Come on.
14:52(Albert groaning in pain) (audience laughing)
14:57Well, what do you reckon, Solly?
14:58- I'm afraid it's bad news Derek,
15:00I'd brace yourselves if I was you.
15:03According to this medical report and the X-ray they took,
15:05there's nothing wrong with him.
15:09- There's gotta be something wrong with him.
15:11He was none too clever before he fell down the hole!
15:13(audience laughing)
15:14- Sorry Del Boy.
15:15Not a mark, scratch, abrasion or bruise.
15:18He must have landed on something soft.
15:20- Yeah he did, the landlord.
15:21- If I were you Del Boy I'd accept the brewery's offer.
15:25- What offer?
15:26- Their solicitors phoned me today.
15:28To save any adverse publicity they're willing to
15:30settle out of court for 2000 pounds.
15:33- Two grand?
15:35- Take the money Del.
15:36- No, I wanted more than that.
15:38I wanted enough money to set us up proper.
15:42Wait a minute, if they're willing to settle for
15:452000 pounds out of court,
15:48think what they'll settle for in court.
15:51- But Del, there's nothing wrong with him.
15:53- Well it ain't my bloody fault is it?
15:55- Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!
15:58Now perhaps we should look at the case from another angle.
16:02I mean we've only been considering the physical damage.
16:06But what about this?
16:11- We ain't gonna get a lot for his bloody hat are we.
16:13(audience laughing)
16:15- No, I mean his, his mind Derek!
16:17Psychological injuries.
16:18- Will the court swallow that?
16:19- If you three say the right things they will.
16:21Hey listen, there was a case in America where this chap fell
16:25down a manhole and, like your Uncle,
16:27he sustained no physical injuries.
16:30Yet he successfully sued the Los Angeles City council
16:33for $30 million!
16:36-[Both] Thirty million?
16:39- He claimed the accident had ruined his sex life.
16:41(audience laughing)
16:44- At that rate we'll get one pound and 75 pence.
16:47(audience laughing)
16:49- We're not claiming anything like that.
16:51I'm just giving you that as an example
16:53of how these unseen injuries can mount up in the old
16:58compo stakes.
16:59Now, look at the facts as I see them.
17:02An elderly man who fought bravely for his country,
17:06sailing the seven seas enduring that Britain never, never,
17:09never shall be slaves,
17:12has had his retirement, his few well earned years of rest,
17:16ruined by the negligence of a multi-national company.
17:20An active man struck down by the thoughtless action
17:26of this mammoth, rich corporation.
17:31The bouts of amnesia, the fear of the outside world and,
17:35most distressing of all, losing the use of his legs.
17:41- Sit!
17:42(audience laughing)
17:44Right, that's it, do the bizzo Solly!
17:47Alright listen, I want no Mickey Mouse magistrates.
17:50I want the High Court, I want a pukka brief,
17:53you know black cape, crown-topper, all the X's, alright?
17:56Right Solly?
17:57- I'll set the wheels in motion.
17:59Oh, I shall need a list of witnesses.
18:01- No, see, there weren't no witnesses.
18:02- Will 10 do?
18:04-[Solly] Lovely!
18:05(audience laughing)
18:07- Now Mr Trotter, you were standing outside
18:09the Nag's Head public house when this
18:12tragic accident occurred?
18:13- Yes.
18:14- You saw the incident clearly?
18:16- Yes.
18:18- Would you tell the court what happened?
18:22- My uncle fell down a hole.
18:24(audience laughing)
18:26- Yes.
18:27Would you tell the court how he fell down the hole?
18:33- Well, it was...
18:36(audience laughing)
18:40- No, no Mister Trotter.
18:41Did he trip, did he stumble?
18:44- Oh, No.
18:46Well, he sort of walked and then fell down the hole.
18:51(audience laughing)
18:53- Didn't he see the warning notice?
18:57- There was no warning notice.
18:58- Wasn't he stopped by the guard rail?
19:01- There was no guard rail either.
19:02- I see.
19:04No warning notice, no guard rail.
19:06Sounds very dangerous to me.
19:08- Yes.
19:09I can remember thinking to myself at the time,
19:12"That's rather dangerous, someone could fall down that."
19:16- And how right you were.
19:19So, you ran straight down to the cellar?
19:21- Yes.
19:23- And were you the first person to find your Uncle?
19:25- Yes.
19:27- What did he look like?
19:29- Horrible!
19:30(audience laughing)
19:34-[Frazer] Would you please tell the court,
19:35are you related to the plaintiff?
19:37- No, no I just drink in his pub.
19:39That little one there is me Uncle.
19:41- Quite!
19:42- I saw it all your worship, utter negligence,
19:45a complete disregard for public safety.
19:48- Yes, yes, quite.
19:49Mister Frazer, I don't think we need concern ourselves any
19:52further with the accident itself.
19:55I believe liability has been proved quite conclusively.
19:59- Much obliged to your honor.
20:00Let us move on now to the after-effects of the accident.
20:03Has your Uncle changed in any way since this happened?
20:06- Do what?
20:07Oh yeah, oh yeah.
20:08He's a completely different man now.
20:09I mean he used to be so active.
20:11You know it was full of swimming, sponsored walks,
20:13marathon, you know.
20:14(audience laughing)
20:15Well they used to call him the Jimmy Savile of Peckham.
20:18Well, he was always out and about,
20:20you'd rarely find him in.
20:22- And now?
20:22- Well, now he is like the Olympic flame,
20:26he never goes out your lordship.
20:28Locked in his room, he's frightened he might fall
20:32own another hole.
20:33- And how has the gradual loss of feeling
20:35in his leg affected him?
20:38- Well, how would it affect you Captain?
20:40I mean, one minute, you know he's there doing his
20:42acrobatics to his Bizzy Lizzy LP,
20:45and then the next minute he has to ask us
20:47whether or not he's got his shoes on.
20:49But I mean, the worst is, the worstest thing of all
20:52your honor, is these sudden bouts of amnesia.
20:56You know, they have led to him having some very nasty falls.
21:00- I fail to see the connection.
21:02How can amnesia cause one to fall?
21:04- He keeps forgetting he can't walk!
21:05(audience laughing)
21:09- I have no further questions m'lud.
21:11- Mister Gerrard?
21:12- No questions your honor.
21:14- You may stand down Mister Trotter.
21:16- Stand down?
21:17I've only just started.
21:18I've got loads more I could tell you!
21:19- That will be all Mister Trotter, thank you.
21:23(audience laughing)
21:30- Alright Mike?
21:31(groaning in pain)
21:32How we doing Solly?
21:33- We're home and dry.
21:34This could be a 10 grander coming up here!
21:36(Del snickering)
21:37- Mister Frazer, do you intend calling any more witnesses?
21:39- I have no further witnesses m'lud.
21:41- Mister Gerrard?
21:42- Just one your honor.
21:43I call the plaintiff, Albert Gladstone Trotter.
21:48(wheelchair squeaking)
21:51- I thought you said they wouldn't call him?
21:52- I said we wouldn't call him!
21:53Look don't worry, I've already briefed him.
21:55Any awkward questions he just claims loss of memory.
21:58- Loss of memory!
21:59Knowing him he'll forget.
22:00(audience laughing)
22:02- Take the book in your right hand and read the card.
22:05- There's no need to stand Mister Trotter.
22:07Please remain seated.
22:08- Thank you your worship.
22:14I swear to tell the truth,
22:15the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
22:17- You are Albert Gladstone Trotter,
22:20presently residing at 368 Nelson Mandela House,
22:23Dockside Estate, Peckham?
22:25- I think so sir.
22:28- Yes, I'll make this as brief as possible Mister Trotter,
22:31I realize how distressing this must be for you.
22:34Do you have any recollection of the accident?
22:38- Very little sir.
22:41One minute I was walking along, on me way to post
22:44me entry form for The Krypton Factor.
22:47(audience laughing)
22:49Anyway, next I was falling through the air!
22:52All me life flashed before me!
22:54The battle of the River Plate, the sinking of the Graf Spee,
22:58raid on Telemar.
22:59(groaning in pain)
23:01- Silence that man!
23:02- Sorry your honor!
23:04- After that it's all a blank.
23:06Me memory keeps going, see.
23:07- Have you ever suffered with amnesia before?
23:09- I can't remember.
23:11(audience laughing)
23:13- I see.
23:14But you can remember the war?
23:15After all, you have all your ribbons there to remind you.
23:19Where were you based Mister Trotter?
23:22- I was overseas sir.
23:24- Really, how odd!
23:26I looked into your naval record and it seems
23:28that you spent the best part of the war stationed in a
23:31storage depot on the Isle of Wight.
23:33(audience laughing)
23:35Hardly overseas.
23:37- You wanna try walking it pal!
23:38(audience laughing)
23:42- I also noticed Mister Trotter that in May, 1944,
23:46you were one of several naval ratings,
23:49seconded to a Marine parachute unit,
23:51specially formed for missions behind enemy lines.
23:54I believe you were involved in laundry matters.
23:57But whilst with this unit you underwent
24:00basic parachute training.
24:02Would you tell the court what this training consisted of?
24:07- Jumping off of things.
24:09- "Jumping off of things." In other words,
24:12learning to fall without injuring oneself!
24:16- My memory ain't what it used to be your worship.
24:19- I sympathize Mister Trotter and I intend
24:21to help you as much as I can.
24:23Tell me, could you possibly be the same
24:25Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1946,
24:29fell down the cellar of the Victory Inn, Portsmouth,
24:32and received 100 pounds compensation?
24:35- I can't remember that far back sir.
24:37- Well, let's try a more recent case then.
24:38Could you be the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who,
24:43in 1951, fell down the cellar of the Coach and Horses,
24:46Peckham Rye, and received a 225 pound
24:50out of court settlement?
24:52- Me mind's a blank.
24:54- Maybe you were the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who,
24:58in 1949, fell down the cellar of the
25:00Crossed Keys off-licence, Gravesend?
25:03How about the Thatched Inn, Canning Town,
25:05or does the Brunswick Club, New Cross, ring a bell?
25:09- I don't believe it!
25:11(audience laughing)
25:13- It's a bloody nightmare Rodney,
25:15it's a bloody nightmare!
25:17He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin.
25:19(audience laughing)
25:29I don't believe it!
25:31I do not believe what that garrity old git has done to us!
25:35I mean, the only hole he hasn't fallen down
25:37is the black one in Calcutta!
25:39(audience laughing)
25:41What is it the insurance companies nicknamed him?
25:44- The ferret.
25:45- The ferret! (audience laughing)
25:47- He's had 15 previous lawsuits for falling down holes.
25:51- Those are the known cases Rodney.
25:53I mean, how many times has the landlord settled out
25:55of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro?
25:58(squeaking)
26:01(audience laughing)
26:07Alright, come on, how many pubs, off-licences and
26:10drinking clubs have you done in your time?
26:13- Well, quite a few Del.
26:14The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest.
26:19But 'cos I'd learnt to fall properly I didn't hurt myself,
26:23but I still got compensation out of it and I thought,
26:25"This is handy!" So, whenever me and yer Grandad
26:29was hard up for a few bob well I'd go'n fall down a hole.
26:35(audience laughing)
26:37I was only tryin' to help.
26:38- Only tryin' to help?
26:40I was nearly done for contempt of court.
26:43His name's been sent to the director of public prosecution
26:46and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get
26:50defrocked!
26:52And you were only tryin' to help?
26:54- I said I'm sorry Rodney.
26:55I didn't wanna do it.
26:57I mean, I'm past all that stunt-man lark.
27:00But you two have been good to me these past few weeks.
27:04And I wanted to get some money to
27:06well, repay you.
27:12And I wanted to get yer Grandad his headstone.
27:24- You did it for Grandad's headstone?
27:27- He was my older brother Del.
27:30When I was a kid he used to look after me.
27:34I never did anything for him,
27:36never had the chance to, until now.
27:43Sorry boys.
27:53- Yeah, yeah, alright don't worry about it Uncle Albert.
28:03Come on Rodney, let's get Ironside home!
28:14- It's turned out nice innit boys?
28:17-[Rodney] Terrific.
28:20- I'd better knock out some of that sun tan lotion, eh?
28:25'Ere just a, just a minute why am I pushing you?
28:30You can walk you lazy old sod!
28:31(audience laughing)
28:33- Oh yeah, I forgot!
28:34- Oh had another little bout of amnesia, eh Del!
28:38- Now don't you start all that blackout nonsense with me
28:40Uncle 'cos it won't wash!
28:42(cheering and applause)
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