Only Fools and Horses S04E05 — Sleeping Dogs Lie

Every line from “Sleeping Dogs Lie” (788 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's lik&e the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But he's the one who's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la la
00:34♫ La la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:40♫ La la la la
00:46- No, no, no, no, everything's cushty!
00:49Yeah, no, no, no,
00:51you've got nothing to worry about.
00:53You know me, I'll do anyone a favor
00:56if the money's right, yeah.
00:59- You had to interfere, didn't ya?
01:00- I was merely trying to get a picture for ya!
01:03- I had a picture 'til you come in
01:04and started mucking around with the aerial.
01:06- There was a ghost on the screen!
01:09- Course there was a ghost on the screen.
01:11I was watching an 'orror film!
01:12(audience laughing)
01:14Just leave things alone will ya, Rodney?
01:17- Do you realize there are nigh on four million people
01:19unemployed in this country?
01:21And all you can do is sit there and watch horror films.
01:23- What would you like me to do?
01:25- Well, you...
01:29could at least think about it.
01:30(audience laughing)
01:32- I've been thinking about it,
01:34that's why I want to watch the horror film.
01:35- Oi, look hold on, shut up you two, will ya,?
01:37I'm on the blower.
01:38Yes, sorry, go on.
01:39- 'Course I blame it on computers, you know.
01:41'Cause how many people have been put on the dole
01:43by a robot what can build a car or what have ya.
01:47See, that's why I'll never get a proper job.
01:49'Cause they can train a robot to do something
01:51better than I can.
01:52- They could train a chimpanzee
01:53to do it better than you!
01:55(audience laughing)
01:57- Yeah, okay, look mister, I'll see you
01:58tomorrow morning about 11 o'clock, okay pal?
02:00Yeah, cheers.
02:01(laughs)
02:02(audience laughing)
02:06That's it Rodney.
02:07Rodney, I've got a coup.
02:09I've pulled off a genuine coup.
02:11- Not another coup.
02:13What you done this time?
02:13- Well, we have got someone coming
02:15to stay for the next couple of weeks.
02:18A paying guest!
02:20- Who's that then Del?
02:22- It's not a who, it's a what.
02:23- What?
02:24- Exactly, it's a dog.
02:26And I don't want none of your smart remarks either.
02:28(audience laughing)
02:31It's Boycie and and Marlene's puppy.
02:32They're going away on holiday tomorrow,
02:34and they want us to look after it.
02:36- Well why don't they just stick it in the kennels?
02:38- You see, Marlene don't trust 'em.
02:41See, the thing is Rodney,
02:42for the last few years Boycie
02:44and Marlene have been trying to start a family right,
02:47but so far, as they say on the continent, nitto.
02:49(audience laughing)
02:51- So what's this gotta do with a puppy?
02:53- Marlene started getting broody, right, so old Boycie,
02:55he goes and buys her a little puppy for Christmas.
02:58I mean pukka thing you know, no mucking about,
03:00I mean it's got a pedigree,
03:02cost him 600 quid.
03:04- 600 quid.
03:05- 600.
03:06Well I said to him, I says, you know Boycie,
03:07I mean if you'd have come to see me like,
03:09I could have got you one much cheaper.
03:10- Cheaper.
03:11- Yeah, you know what I mean?
03:12(audience laughing)
03:13Anyway, Marlene right, she thinks that this puppy is her
03:16baby now, you know what I mean,
03:18and she don't want her baby put in some muddy old kennels.
03:22She wants it to receive personal attention.
03:25The sort that we can provide.
03:27For 60 quid a week.
03:29- 60 pound?
03:30But Del, we don't know nothing about it!
03:33'Cause canine welfare, right,
03:34that's a specialized profession.
03:36- Oh leave it out Rodney!
03:38I mean look all you've gotta do, like you gotta
03:40feed it in the morning, right,
03:40take it for a walk across over to adventure playground
03:43and Bob's yer uncle!
03:43(audience laughing)
03:45- And what if Boycie and Marlene find out?
03:47- We'll have to swear the dog to secrecy won't we?
03:49(audience laughing)
03:51- I mean, what happens if one of the neighbours tell 'em?
03:54- Well, what are they gonna say, eh?
03:55They're gonna say, we saw Rodney taking your dog out
03:58every morning and every evening for a walk.
04:01Well what's wrong with that?
04:03That's exactly what Boycie and Marlene
04:04want us to do innit, eh?
04:06- Yeah, I suppose you're right.
04:10What do you mean they saw Rodney taking the dog
04:12for a walk every morning and every night?
04:13(audience laughing)
04:15- Figure of speech that's all Rodders.
04:17- Oh no it ain't a figure of speech.
04:18I know your games Derek Trotter.
04:20- No leave it out.
04:21(horn honking)
04:22- Oh!
04:23(audience laughing)
04:26I'll have a headache for the entire flight now.
04:28You were supposed to be here half an hour ago!
04:30- Why would I?
04:31(laughs)
04:32No, no, we're on time Boycie!
04:33There must be something wrong
04:33with your watch!
04:34'Ere, don't wanna buy a decent one do you?
04:36- What from you?
04:36You must be joking.
04:38Why?
04:39Listen, ah hello Marlene my love.
04:41- Hello sweetheart.
04:44-[Del] Hey hey.
04:44(squeals)
04:46(audience laughing)
04:47(laughs)
04:52- Did you have a nice Christmas?
04:53- Oh terrific yeah.
04:54I had a dog!
04:55- Yeah, we had a turkey same as every other year!
04:58(audience laughing)
05:01- Honestly, you two are as bad as each other.
05:04(squeals)
05:04Derek!
05:08- Marlene, why don't you go and get the dog,
05:11and then perhaps we can get going!
05:13- Yeah alright, I'll fetch his food as well.
05:16(footsteps)
05:20- I don't like your lipstick Del.
05:21- What?
05:28So where you off to then Boycie?
05:30- Oh, we're just off for a couple of weeks
05:31to the Seychelles!
05:34You ever been to the Seychelles have you?
05:38- Dunno, have we ever been to the Seychelles Rodney?
05:42- I'd have to check the passport.
05:43(audience laughing)
05:46- Now you are quite sure you will be able
05:48to look after this dog?
05:50- Of course I will.
05:51- Yeah, oh yeah, Del's had lots of experience!
05:55- Right remember, this is not just a dog.
05:58This is Marlene's baby.
06:01Sometimes I wish I'd never bought it.
06:04(audience gasps)
06:06(audience laughing)
06:08- Oh no, you didn't tell me it was a Great Dane!
06:12- Oh, didn't I?
06:13Must have slipped my mind.
06:15- I thought it was a puppy!
06:17(laughs)
06:18- Gordon Bennett.
06:20- Duke, this is your Uncle Del and Rodney.
06:24(barking and growling)
06:27He's lovely ain't he?
06:29- Terrific.
06:31- Take him for walkies first thing in the morning,
06:33once in the evening and then again last thing at night.
06:36Now when it's his bedtime, you put a blanket over
06:39him and then you talk to him for a while.
06:42- You don't want us to bring his wind up, do you?
06:44(audience laughing)
06:45- No, he should be alright!
06:47And don't worry, he's house trained.
06:50- Hey we live in a flat.
06:52(audience laughing)
06:55- And in here his vitamin pills.
06:58One in the morning, before breakfast, not after!
07:01- Marlene, come along, for god's sake,
07:04we do have a flight to catch
07:05Come on, kiss him goodbye.
07:07- Yeah, bye Del, see you soon.
07:09(audience laughing)
07:10- For Gad's sake, the dog Marlene!
07:12- Bye-bye my little bubba-lubba.
07:15Dookie's gonna miss his little Mumsy Wumsy,
07:19and Mummy's gonna miss her little Dookie-Wookie Wookie.
07:25- Makes you wanna throw up don't it?
07:27(audience laughing)
07:27- Yeah, I feel a bit Tom and Dick meself!
07:29- Come along Marlene, we're gonna miss that plane!
07:32- Yeah, come on Dookie.
07:34If he bites you, don't scream, he's highly strung.
07:38(audience laughing)
07:39- Is it alright if we bleed?
07:40- Oh he doesn't sink his teeth in.
07:42He's only playing.
07:46Good boy.
07:47Bye-bye.
07:50Bye-bye Dooky Wookie.
07:52Bye-bye.
07:55Did you switch everything off?
07:56-[Boycie] Yes.
07:57-[Marlene] Did you switch the burglar alarm on?
07:59-[Boycie] Yes.
08:00-[Marlene] Did you lock everything up?
08:01- Get in the car!
08:02(audience laughing)
08:05(car motoring)
08:14(growling)
08:15(audience laughing)
08:16- Well jump in.
08:18- After you Del.
08:23- I've got to get the food!
08:25-[Rodney] I'll wait.
08:28- Here, here look at this Rodney.
08:32Fillet steaks, look
08:33Chicken breasts, veal escallops.
08:36(sniffs)
08:36Ooh, we're gonna eat alright for the next week or so, eh?
08:39- Oi, it's supposed to be for the dog.
08:41- You must be joking!
08:43That thing's gonna get a bowl of Kennomeat
08:45every day and think itself lucky.
08:47- And what if Marlene finds out?
08:49- And how is she gonna find out?
08:52I suppose Duke is gonna grass us up is he?
08:54(audience laughing)
08:55Come on Rodney.
08:58Here you are, come on, do some work for a living.
09:02(audience laughing)
09:06(growling)
09:11- That dog don't like me.
09:13- He's alright, he can smell fear.
09:17- I'm surprised he can smell anything at all
09:19with that gallon of Brut you're wearing.
09:22- Come on.
09:27(yells)
09:28(audience laughing)
09:31(claps)
09:36Right, your turn today Rodney.
09:38- It was my turn yesterday.
09:47- Go on Rodney, take him for a run.
10:02Duke, Duke, here you are then.
10:07Come on, up you get old boy.
10:10Come on look, huh?
10:13Look, hold on, here you are, ready, ready?
10:18(audience laughing)
10:20Here you are.
10:26Oh come on Duke, shake a leg!
10:33Duke?
10:38(barking)
10:40- Hello, he's nice, have you had him long?
10:44Or has he always been that length?
10:45(laughs)
10:46(audience laughing)
10:48I'm a Great Dane man meself.
10:50- Really?
10:52Won at Crufts two years on the trot!
10:55- Really?
10:56- Oh yeah, you might have seen me on the old Chum advert?
10:59- I can't say that I actually have.
11:01No, there's nothing I don't know about dogs.
11:04You want any advice, you know I'm yer man.
11:07- Well, Sasha, she's always tearing little holes
11:09in my carpet.
11:10What would you recommend?
11:12- A new carpet.
11:13(audience laughing)
11:15Now as it happens I know this little bloke down in
11:17Wapping, he'll fit you up a treat!
11:19He's Iranian but he has got contracts in Persia.
11:24- Del!
11:26- Oh this is my trainer!
11:28Excuse me.
11:29What is it Rodney?
11:30- I don't wanna worry ya,
11:31but I think the dog's dead.
11:33(audience laughing)
11:35- What do you mean?
11:37- Well let me re-phrase it shall I?
11:39I don't wanna worry you,
11:40but I think the dog is dead.
11:44Now come on!
11:47- You just can't get the staff these days!
11:52What have you done to it you dipstick?
11:53-[Rodney] I ain't touched it!
11:55-[Del] What a wonderful turn of events this is, innit?
11:57Boycie and Marlene ain't even got the tops
11:58off their sun tan oil and we're burying their dog.
12:02(audience laughing)
12:11- Look.
12:12- Dookie, Duke.
12:14Come on then, come on.
12:16Cats, cats!
12:17Meow meow cats.
12:20He's not dead Rodney.
12:21Look at him, no look, you can see him breathing look.
12:24- Oh thank God for that.
12:26So what's the matter with him?
12:28- Well I don't know do I?
12:29We'd better get him down to vets.
12:33This is gonna cost an arm and a leg this is.
12:36- Oi Del, shall I get his balls?
12:38- You leave him alone.
12:39I don't want him waking up in a temper.
12:40(audience laughing)
12:48What?
12:49- I was just thinking, that's all.
12:51All these years, Marlene's tried to have a baby and failed.
12:54And when you tell her her Dookie-Wookie's about to croak it,
12:56she'll have twins!
12:57(audience laughter)
12:59- He's not dead!
13:00- He ain't chasing many cats though is he?
13:03- For all you know, this might be normal.
13:05- Normal?
13:06Del, what you tryin' tell me, dogs hibernate or something?
13:09(audience laughing)
13:10- No, what I mean is
13:11What I mean is
13:13I mean
13:14Oh I don't know what I mean do I?
13:18Anyway, what I want you to know now is I'm not blaming you.
13:22(audience laughing)
13:24- What do you mean you're not blaming me?
13:25I ain't done nothing.
13:27- That's what I mean, that's why I'm not blaming you.
13:29But you know when you put Dookie in the back of the van,
13:32did you catch his head when you slammed the door?
13:35- No I didn't.
13:37- Are you sure?
13:39- Del, if you catch a Great Dane's head in a door,
13:41you know you've caught a Great Dane's head in a door.
13:42(audience laughing)
13:44- Yeah, well I suppose you're right.
13:47- I'll tell you who's to blame for all this.
13:49Uncle Albert.
13:50- Why, what did he do?
13:52- Well he didn't do nothing, he's just a jinx!
13:54- Oh don't start all that again.
13:56- I've said it before, I'll say it again,
13:58that man is a right Jonah.
14:00They reckon when he boarded his last ship,
14:02the crew shot an albatross for luck!
14:03(audience laughing)
14:05- Would you stop going on about bloody Albert!
14:07- Well it's a bit of a coincidence though innit Del?
14:10I mean, yesterday we pick up a perfectly healthy dog.
14:13One night in the flat and wallop,
14:15the curse of the Trotters is upon it.
14:17(audience laughing)
14:18- Everything's gonna be alright.
14:20I've got this feeling.
14:21How Duke is gonna be okay,
14:22he gonna come out in a minute,
14:24he's gonna be full of life, full of vim. full of vigor.
14:26- I wish I had your faith Del!
14:29- Oi up, here she comes.
14:30Ah, yes, well, what's the SP?
14:33- Mr, Collis is making a few final tests.
14:35He shouldn't be too long.
14:36- How's Duke?
14:37- He's holding his own.
14:39- There you are Rodney, he's up to his old tricks already!
14:40(audience laughing)
14:42- No, you don't understand.
14:44Duke is still unconscious.
14:46Look, why don't you sit down and relax.
14:48Duke's in the best possible hands, I can assure you.
14:50- Yes yes, okay, thanks darling.
15:00- I tell you what I really feel bad about now.
15:01- Do say.
15:02- That leg of pork Marlene put in the bag for Duke.
15:05- Well what about it?
15:06- Well we ate it last night, didn't we.
15:08(audience laughing)
15:09Poor Dookie had to make do with a tin of dog food.
15:12Every mouthful of that meal
15:13made me feel more and more guilty.
15:16- You should have let me know Rodney,
15:17you and him could have swapped.
15:21Anyway, he had some of it didn't he?
15:23- Yeah, what, warmed up left-overs for breakfast.
15:25- Yeah, I didn't hear Dookie complaining though, did you?
15:28- We even had his steaks for lunch the other day didn't we?
15:31- Well you know he's most probably sick to death
15:33of steaks, innit he,
15:34has them every day of his life.
15:36Look look, can you change the subject please?
15:39Going on about bloody steaks and legs of pork.
15:42Can't we talk about something more, you know more
15:47aesthfetical?
15:48(audience laughing)
15:51- You want to talk, yes, yeah sure
15:55You take it away Derek.
15:58(audience laughing)
16:03- Couldn't half give that one, couldn't you Rodney?
16:04(audience laughing)
16:09Oh there's the Doc.
16:10Doc, what news?
16:12- Oh well it's difficult to say.
16:13His heart beat's normal.
16:15- Is that good?
16:16- Well of course.
16:17All the tests have proved negative,
16:19I'm just awaiting the results of his blood sample.
16:22- And have you taken an X-ray?
16:26- Yes, yes, there's no sign of damage.
16:29It's a complete mystery.
16:31Never mind, we'll keep him here as long as necessary.
16:33Where shall I send the bill?
16:34- I got the details here sir.
16:35- Oh.
16:37- How long will it take Doc?
16:38- Oh, it shouldn't take long, not if I send it first class.
16:40(audience laughing)
16:43- No, no, no, I don't mean that.
16:44I mean how long will it take for Dookie's recovery.
16:47- Oh, I see.
16:49Well it will take as long as it takes Mr Trotter.
16:52All we can do now is keep a close eye on him
16:55and let nature take its course.
16:57What have you been feeding him on?
16:59- Well just tins of dog food.
17:00- Steak.
17:01Had steaks, and the best porterhouse steak for his lunch,
17:04he has liver for his supper,
17:05he had roast pork for his breakfast.
17:08Only the very finest.
17:09He's had his milk, he's had his vitamins, he's had his,
17:11you name it, he's had it.
17:12- Pork?
17:13For breakfast?
17:14-[Del] Yes.
17:15- Was it freshly cooked pork?
17:18- Yes, freshly cooked the night before.
17:22- Did you re-heat it thoroughly?
17:23- Well.
17:24- Well, we warmed it up a bit, yes.
17:27- You warmed it up a bit?
17:29Oh well, I think we may have solved the mystery.
17:33Were neither of you aware that white meat,
17:35particularly pork, unless thoroughly re-heated,
17:38is a notorious breeding ground for salmonella poisoning?
17:42- Samonella poisoning?
17:44You reckon that's what Dookie's got?
17:46- Well, it's a strong possibility wouldn't you say?
17:49This leg of pork, have you still got it?
17:52- Not on us.
17:53(audience laughing)
17:56- No it's back at home in the fridge.
17:58- Could you bring it in for examination?
17:59- Yeah, we'll pop back and get it right away.
18:01Come on Rodney.
18:02- Del, the dustmen come round today,
18:02Albert might have slung it.
18:04- Oh no, that dozy old git.
18:06Can I use your phone?
18:07- Yes.
18:08- Listen, if it is this salmonella poisoning, right,
18:11will he survive?
18:12- It depends what strain of salmonella it is.
18:14That's why I need to examine that meat.
18:16How long have you had the dog?
18:18- Oh uh, one day.
18:20(audience laughing)
18:22- One day?
18:23- Yeah, but oh no you see, it ain't our dog,
18:25it belongs to friends,
18:26We're just looking after him.
18:28(audience laughing)
18:30- Albert?
18:31It's Del Boy.
18:33Yeah, now I want,
18:36ahoy there.
18:37(audience laughing)
18:39Listen Albert, about that piece of pork in the fridge.
18:45Pickles and crusty bread.
18:48Yeah, it sounds lovely.
18:49He's eaten it.
18:50- Oh no, look, I'll telephone the hospital from my office.
18:53You get him down here as quickly as you can.
18:54- The hospital, yes, certainly.
18:55Uh Albert, listen.
18:57Albert, Uncle Albert. now listen to me,
18:59listen very carefully.
19:00I want you to do me a favor.
19:01Listen, I want you to put a few things in your duffle bag,
19:04put your coat on and go and
19:05stand in the hall and wait for
19:06me and Rodders 'cause we're gonna
19:07pop you down to the hospital.
19:10Well you've gotta have an operation.
19:13- He won't have to have an operation!
19:14- A fiver says he does.
19:15- Alright, you're on.
19:16- Right.
19:17(audience laughing)
19:18What?
19:19No listen I know you don't want to have an operation.
19:23Nobody wants to have an operation.
19:25But everyone at some time of their life
19:27has to have one.
19:29And today it's your turn.
19:30(audience laughing)
19:32Now listen, you know that pork you had for dinner?
19:36No, I know you're gonna laugh at this Uncle.
19:38- A pound he don't.
19:39(spits)
19:40- You're on.
19:42Well, there's a strong possibility
19:44that it contained Sam and Ella poisoning.
19:47(audience laughing)
19:52Oi, stop that, stop it,
19:54you're a grown man, pull yourself together.
19:57Now listen, we're gonna come down and we'll pick
19:58you up in a couple of minutes, now be ready.
20:01Rodney you should have warned me about this.
20:04- Warned you about it.
20:05I didn't even know meself!
20:06- Well you're the one with GCE's ain't ya?
20:09- Yeah. I got a GCE in Maths and Art.
20:12I ain't got a GCE in pork.
20:14(audience laughing)
20:18- Well tell him we'll pop down to see him tomorrow.
20:20Yeah, thank you very much sister.
20:22Yeah okay, and bonjourno.
20:27Alright.
20:29He he he he, see what I mean?
20:31Rodney, you know a little bit of French,
20:32a little bit of French always knocks 'em bandy.
20:35- Yeah, yeah, yeah, what about Albert?
20:37I take it we can't go and see him tonight then?
20:38- Ah no, he's none too clever apparently,
20:41I mean you know he's had pipes and gadgets,
20:43and everything stuck in him, you know.
20:45(audience laughing)
20:47- Oh well, waste not want not,
20:49do you want a grape?
20:51Yeah, right, cheers.
20:53(laughs)
20:53Bring 'em over here will ya?
20:54- Yeah, alright.
20:57Oh, hang on, did you get in touch with the vet's?
21:00- Yeah, they said Dookie was comatose.
21:04- Comatose?
21:05Well funny enough I thought of that when I saw
21:07him laid spark out in the back of the van.
21:10- Well you'd be right Rodney wouldn't ya?
21:12'Cause I bet with this comatose, most probably,
21:15you know, sleep is the best thin for him.
21:17(audience laughing)
21:18- Yes Derek, rest, rest and more rest.
21:23Oh did they have to operate on Albert?
21:25- Eh, no.
21:27- That's a bit of luck, ain't it?
21:28- Yeah it is.
21:29You owe me a fiver then.
21:30- What?
21:32- In the vet's remember?
21:33(phone rings)
21:34I said they wouldn't have to operate,
21:36and you said they would.
21:37And you laid a fiver on it, so five pound for me.
21:38- Never mind about that, the phone, go on, the phone,
21:39go on there may be work there.
21:40Look, go on, go on, off you go.
21:44- Hello?
21:46Yeah, who is it?
21:48Boycie.
21:50It's Boycie!
21:51(audience laughing)
21:53- Boycie.
21:56Where is he?
21:56Has he come back early or something?
22:01- So um, where are you phoning from then Boyce?
22:07You're still over there?
22:08(sighs)
22:11Yeah, Del?
22:18Del's not in at the moment.
22:21(audience laughing)
22:23Oh yeah he's here.
22:25Yeah, okay put her on then.
22:29Hello Marlene.
22:32No, no don't you worry about Duke,
22:35he's as happy as they come.
22:37Yeah.
22:39Uh, get down Duke.
22:41(audience laughing)
22:43The little rascal, he's jumping all over me.
22:47No it's probably he recognizes your voice, eh Marlene?
22:51Yeah.
22:53Eh?
22:54(audience laughing)
22:57She wants Duke to talk to her.
22:59- Talk to her?
23:00He's a bloody dog, the scatty mare.
23:03No, tell her she can't.
23:05Go on.
23:09- Come on Dookie, talk to Mummy.
23:12(audience laughing)
23:17Come on Dookie, talk to Mummy.
23:22(panting)
23:23(audience laughing)
23:27(coughing)
23:29Ah look at that, he's gone running off in the kitchen
23:31now Marlene and there's someone at the door,
23:32so I've gotta go, see ya.
23:35Oi!
23:37(audience laughing)
23:48- Oi oi oi, you up to that again are you?
23:51Women in uniforms?
23:52- Eh, no I ain't.
23:54- You better watch it Rodney,
23:54you're gonna end up marrying an akela.
23:58Doctor, sorry, we've come to pick up our Uncle.
24:01- Yeah, uh, Mr Trotter.
24:02The nurse said he might be able to come home.
24:04- Oh yes, of course.
24:05I'll, uh,
24:06- Oh sorry, sorry, yeah.
24:07- I'll just have a quick look at him first.
24:08Last night he underwent some rather thorough examinations.
24:12- Yes, so the sister said on the phone.
24:14Was there anything wrong with him?
24:15- No, not that I could tell.
24:16In fact I've just had a phone call
24:17from Mr Collis at the veterinary clinic.
24:19Apparently the dog has now made a complete recovery.
24:23- Duke's back on his feet?
24:24- Still, you did the right thing to bring your Uncle in.
24:26Better safe than sorry.
24:27- Yeah, thank you.
24:28- Okay.
24:29Let's go and see how he is.
24:30- Thank you, yes.
24:33- Ah Mr. Trotter.
24:35- You ain't doing nothing else to me are you?
24:38- No, no, don't worry!
24:40- Alright then?
24:41No I'm not!
24:43I was alright yesterday though.
24:44Yesterday I'd never felt better in all me life.
24:47But you had to drag me in here for bloody
24:48Frankenstein to experiment on.
24:50(audience laughing)
24:52They've had me on me back, on me belly,
24:53upside down, every which way but loose.
24:57Wires, pipes, tubes, bits of string, injections.
25:01And what do you think they give me for lunch today?
25:04Roast bleedin' pork!
25:05(audience laughing)
25:09Ah well, you never miss much on the telly last night so
25:13- What was wrong with me?
25:15- Nothing.
25:17- Nothing?
25:19You mean I've had stomach pumps and enemies,
25:21glucose drips and students drawing all over my belly
25:25with felt tip pens and there's nothing wrong with me?
25:29- It's great innit, eh?
25:30(audience laughing)
25:31- I noticed you didn't come and see me lat night.
25:34I suppose you were too busy visiting the dog?
25:37Fight for yer country, and risk yer life in sea and flame,
25:42then you get old and everyone forgets ya.
25:47- Listen here you silly old sausage.
25:50We couldn't come and visit you last night
25:52'cause you was under observation.
25:54- Oh, don't give me that to me son.
25:57- We bought you grapes!
25:59- Yeah, where are they?
26:02- We ate 'em!
26:03(audience laughing)
26:06- I see.
26:07I lay here last night, tubes sticking out of every
26:09place you could stick 'em in,
26:11couldn't sleep, pills wouldn't even work, and all the time
26:14you two were eating my grapes.
26:17- Oh come on, we did miss you last night.
26:22- Did ya?
26:23- Yeah, we had no-one to spit our pips at.
26:26(audience laughing)
26:27Come on Del, let's get him out of here,
26:29he's giving me the hump.
26:31- Any problems?
26:32- No doctor, there's nothing wrong with me.
26:34I feel full of fitness and vitality.
26:37- Good, well, bye for now Mr Trotter, see you again.
26:41- Not if I see you first shipmate!
26:43- Alright come on, come on, hurry up,
26:44we're gonna get you home.
26:47The moaning, miserable old git.
26:49- Don't stop does he?
26:50And we got him all that treatment.
26:51All that's all for nothing.
26:52- That's right, yeah.
26:54And does he think anything of it?
26:55No does he hell.
26:57- Oh by the way,
26:59Sister gave me these.
27:01- Why, what's the matter with you?
27:03(audience laughing)
27:05- No, no, she found them in your uncle's locker.
27:08- Oh I see.
27:08- Patients are not allowed to bring their own medication
27:10into the hospital.
27:12Bear that in mind for future.
27:17- What's he doing with these then?
27:19These are Dookie's vitamin tablets.
27:21- No, they ain't, those are Albert's sleeping pills.
27:23I've got his vitamin tablets here.
27:26(audience laughing)
27:30- Oh no!
27:32You've been giving Duke his sleeping pills!
27:35(audience laughing)
27:36- No!
27:38'Cause they was on the sideboard,
27:40and I just
27:41- Oh.
27:43- Albert's been on the Bob Martins?
27:45(audience laughing)
27:49- No wonder he's full of vitality.
27:53- What shall we do?
27:54- Well just don't start throwing any sticks.
27:56(audience laughing)
27:59- Shall we tell him?
28:01No, no, no, it's a bit unfair after what he's been through.
28:05- Yeah, let's tell him!
28:07(audience laughing)
28:16- No no, look, he's miserable enough as it is, isn't he eh?
28:18- Yeah, he'll probably think he's gonna turn
28:20into a werewolf or something.
28:23- We'll just keep schtum about the whole thing
28:25and no one will be any the wiser, right?
28:27Just want to keep a very close eye on him
28:29when he goes past lampposts and things.
28:30(audience laughing)
28:34Alright hey hey, come on then uncle.
28:38We'll g-g-g-g-get you home.
28:40And then Rodney's gotta take Dookie out for a run.
28:46- Actually you can come as well if you like Albert?
28:47(audience laughing)
28:54- What's the matter with you two?
28:56- Nothing, no.
28:57- Well come on.
28:58- Yeah.
29:00Come on boy, come on.
29:02(audience laughing)
29:07(lively music)
29:09♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
29:11♫ And mile and miles of carpet tiles
29:12♫ TV's, Deep Freeze and David Bowie LP's
29:15♫ Ball games, gold chains, what's her names and at a push
29:18♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
29:20♫ from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
29:21♫ Bush bush bush bush bush bush bush bush
29:24♫ No income tax, no VAT
29:27♫ No money back, no guarantee
29:30♫ Black or white, rich or poor
29:33♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
29:39♫ God bless Hookey Street
29:41♫ Viva Hookey Street
29:45♫ Long live Hookey Street
29:47♫ C'est magnifique Hookey Street
29:51♫ Magnifique Hookey Street
29:55♫ Hookey Street