Only Fools and Horses S04E06 — Watching the Girls Go by

Every line from “Watching the Girls Go by” (866 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00(upbeat pop music)
00:03♫ Stack of money in me pocket
00:07♫ I fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cause if you are the best ins
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then, brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But he's the one
00:27♫ Who's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la la
00:35♫ La la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:40♫ La la la la
00:41- [Boycie Yeah, go get yourself a white car, do you?
00:43(off-key piano music) (crowd chattering)
00:44♫ If it should rain, we'll let it.
00:47♫ But for tonight forget it
00:51♫ I'm in the mood for love - There, he's managed.
00:55- Hey. - There we go,
00:57- That works. - we almost got that one.
00:58- He's good, ain't he?
00:59I like that. (crowd applauding)
01:00I hope he don't do no more, though.
01:02(audience laughing)
01:02- Hey, Trig, you coming to the do Saturday night?
01:04Only, I've only got two tickets left.
01:06- Yeah, put 'em down to me Mike.
01:07- Good boy.
01:08Now, they're 2.50 each,
01:09but you can have the pair for a fiver.
01:10- You're a pal.
01:12(dart tapping)
01:15- Right, I'll go for a tenner on that one.
01:17- Royal flush.
01:18Get out of that, my son (laughs).
01:20- I don't know where you're pulling 'em from tonight,
01:22Del Boy, I really don't! (dart tapping)
01:24(Del laughing) Oy!
01:26(Del whistling)
01:27Look! - Oh, oh (laughing).
01:30- Now listen you cretinous little erks,
01:33there is a three-yard exclusion zone
01:35around this table,
01:37and if another of your missiles should fall within it,
01:40I will personally shove it, point, shaft, feathers and all,
01:43right up your gear box!
01:45(audience laughing) Do I make myself clear?
01:48- Yeah, well, Boyce, we get your drift.
01:50- Well, just be aware then, eh?
01:52Just be aware.
01:57(patrons laughing)
02:00Bloody peasants.
02:01- That's what I like about you, Boycie.
02:03You've always been such a good loser.
02:05- Yeah, I've had plenty of bloody practice
02:06where you're concerned, haven't I?
02:07(audience laughing) - Mike says no gambling.
02:09He's frightened of losing his license.
02:11- Trigger, Michael knows - Oh, he is.
02:12- very well what he can do with his bloody license.
02:14I'm trying to win my money back, here.
02:15- Alright, alright.
02:16There's plenty of time, Boycie.
02:18Listen, I'll go and get some drinks.
02:19What do you want, Scotch?
02:20Scotch, Trig? - Yeah.
02:20- Cheers, Del. - About time and all.
02:21♫ La la laa
02:23All right, Tommy? - Hello, Del.
02:24- Yeah, listen, tell Diana, me,
02:26that I haven't forgot about her sandwich toaster.
02:28I'll pop it round to her in the morning, all right?
02:30Michael, please, three Scotches,
02:32if you don't mind. - Scotch, please.
02:33- Del, I've told you before. (Del whistling)
02:35Do not gamble in the pub.
02:36I'll lose my license.
02:38- What, no, it's only a friendly game.
02:40- Friendly?
02:41Friendly, I've seen at least 50 quid change hands
02:43in here tonight.
02:44- That's what I mean, it's a friendly game (laughs).
02:46(audience laughing) Here you are.
02:47Stick the rest in the bottle, will you?
02:48♫ I'm in a mood for love
02:50- Oh, Del, Del! - Hello?
02:51- Do you want tickets for the do Saturday night?
02:53I've only got two left.
02:54- Yeah, go on, then.
02:55I'll have 'em.
02:56- Yeah, Maureen, give them to Del, will you?
02:58And, get the money.
03:00- Oh, that's a fiver.
03:01- Yeah, all right, go on.
03:02Get the money yourself.
03:03Help yourself, there, in me pocket.
03:06(audience laughing)
03:13- There's no money in there.
03:15- I know, it's in me jacket pocket!
03:16(audience laughing)
03:18Go on help yourself.
03:19- You're a swine,
03:20- That's right. you's really are.
03:21- Yeah, take a pound for yourself.
03:22- And, I will, thanks very much.
03:24- Well, (laughs) good and thank you very much.
03:27(audience laughing)
03:28-[Maureen] Don't talk.
03:32- Hey, Maureen, vodka and lemonade, please.
03:35- Vodka and lemonade? - Yeah.
03:36Oh, hey, Mickey, are you all right?
03:38We going down to Pizza Palace, later on then?
03:40- We'll we're going down there.
03:42We're with the birds, see.
03:45- Oh, right, yeah.
03:46Well, I didn't fancy a pizza to be honest.
03:48You know, I gotta be up early, market and all that.
03:50- Hey, Rodney, do you want tickets
03:52for the do, Saturday night?
03:53Only, I've only got two left.
03:55- Well, he won't want two, will he, Mike?
03:58- Why won't I want two?
03:59- Well, you won't be bringing a bird, will ya?
04:01- Why shouldn't I be bringing a bird?
04:03- There's no reason, Rodney,
04:04but why break the habits of a lifetime, eh?
04:07(audience laughing)
04:08- Yeah, I'll have the two, Mike.
04:09How much?
04:10- Good boy, it's a fiver. - There you are.
04:15- Who you bringing, then, your uncle Albert?
04:17(audience laughing)
04:18- I'm bringing a girl.
04:19- Oh, give over, Rodney.
04:20- I'm bringing a girl!
04:22- What's her name? - Eh?
04:23- What's her name?
04:26- It's none of your business.
04:27You have to find out on Saturday night, won't ya?
04:30- Who is it?
04:31Hey, it's not that sot from the fishmonger's, is it?
04:34(Mickey's friends laughing)
04:35- No, it ain't that sot from the fishmonger's, actually.
04:37This one happens to be in show business.
04:40- Show business?
04:42You're a liar.
04:42- I'm telling you the truth, Mickey.
04:44You want to see her and all, she's a right brahma!
04:46- Well, I've got ten says
04:47you won't bring a bird on Saturday night.
04:50- Make it 20.
04:51- All right, 20. - Right.
04:52- Oi, oi, oi, oi, what's all that noise?
04:54Can't hear ourselves think, here.
04:55- He's betting me I ain't got a bird
04:56to bring to the do on Saturday.
04:58- Well, you haven't, have you?
04:59(audience laughing)
05:01What, really? - Yes.
05:04- Ooh, go on then, Rodney, go on.
05:06Take him the mouthy git, go on.
05:08(audience laughing)
05:10- I'll tell you what, make it 30.
05:14- I'll make it 40 if you like.
05:15- Go on, go on Rodney, my son.
05:17(audience laughing)
05:19- I know, I know, let's make it a nice round 50, eh?
05:24- You're on (spitting).
05:25(hand slapping) I'll see you Saturday
05:27and you better bring your money with you.
05:30- He's got more front than Buckingham Palace, ain't he?
05:32- Yeah, don't worry.
05:33Come Saturday night,
05:34you'll be the one that's laughing, won't you (laughs)?
05:36- Yeah. - Yeah, that's it.
05:37Hey, come on, come and sit down over here
05:38and hold your noise, all right.
05:39- Here you are, Dave, you can sit here.
05:41I'm going.
05:42- Are we playing cards or what?
05:44-[Del] Yeah, come on.
05:45- Hey, about bloody time and all.
05:46- Right, it'll be down to you, Boycie, here.
05:48Keep your money to yourself, will you, because of old, okay.
05:50- All right. (cards tapping)
05:53Okay, I will go a pound.
05:55- Yeah, go on I'll have some of that.
05:56Two pound. (knocking)
05:57- Four.
05:58- Eight.
05:59- 16.
06:00- 32. - 64.
06:05(audience laughing)
06:10It's gonna cost you 128 to see me, Del Boy.
06:13- Just a minute, Boycie, just a minute.
06:14It was supposed to be a friendly game, ain't it?
06:16Friendly, it's the start of World War Three ain't it?
06:18- Well what can we do, Del Boy?
06:20It's just the way the bids have gone!
06:21- I'll tell you what we can do.
06:22We can both take our bets back
06:24and start all over again, eh, and just, you know,
06:26try to play a little more sensibly, all right?
06:30- All right, Del Boy, anything you say.
06:33Right, a pound.
06:35- I'll see you. (money slapping)
06:36(audience laughing)
06:40- I got three tens.
06:41- Oh well, that beats me out of sight, Boycie.
06:43Well played, my son. (Boycie laughing)
06:44Goodnight. Come on, Rodney, let's go.
06:46(audience laughing)
06:54Then I said to him, "I'll see you."
06:55Well, you should have seen his face, Uncle.
06:57He didn't know whether to laugh or cry!
06:59It was a picture, wasn't it Rodney, say?
07:01- Eh? - Boycie's face,
07:02when I tucked him up at cards.
07:04- Yeah, yeah, it was teriffic. - Whew (laughing).
07:07- What's a matter with you, Rodney?
07:09- Nothing.
07:10- Come on, Rodney, cheer up.
07:13Pay day, tomorrow, and then it's Saturday,
07:15when you take Mouthy Mickey to the cleaners.
07:17- Yeah, well, that's what's bothering me, Del.
07:18- Oh, Rodney, you ain't starting
07:20to feel sympathy for him, have you?
07:22I mean, he's got far too much rabbit.
07:24It's about time he was put in his place,
07:25once and for all, that boy.
07:27- Del, I ain't got a girl for Saturday night.
07:30I ain't got a girl for any night.
07:32- You ain't got, then why did you keep upping the ante?
07:36- You told me to!
07:38(audience laughing)
07:39You even stood behind me going,
07:40"Go on Rodney, go on my son!"
07:43- That's because you said you had a girl and I believed you.
07:45- Well, I weren't telling the complete truth.
07:47(audience laughing)
07:48- Telling the complete truth?
07:49You were lying through yer back bloody teeth,
07:51you stupid little berk!
07:53He, he stands to lose a 50 on this!
07:55- Why do you have to tell lies, Rodney?
07:57- Yes (clucking tongue).
08:00- It was pride talking weren't it?
08:01I mean, there was Mickey Pearce and all the others
08:03and they was laughing at me,
08:04so I pretended, I lied.
08:07Anyway, what's to say I won't meet a girl by Saturday night?
08:09- That's the spirit Rodney!
08:11There's loads of girls on this estate.
08:13One of 'em must be willing to go out with you.
08:15- Well, the thing is, Albert,
08:16I've been out with most of 'em in the past.
08:18- What, well didn't they like you?
08:20- Well they haven't started a fan club yet,
08:22have they Rodney?
08:23(audience laughing)
08:24- No, Del, they haven't, have they?
08:26- Here, I've got it!
08:27I've got it!
08:28What about that tubby girl
08:29who lives down by the community hall, there?
08:31She'll go out with you Rodney
08:33'cause she ain't got a full deck.
08:35(audience laughing)
08:36- I will sort this one out on my own, thank you, Derek.
08:39-[Del] All right, all right, up to you.
08:40- Here, what about the girl from the fishmonger's?
08:42- No thank you, Uncle!
08:44- Got it, cracked it, cracked it.
08:47Remember a couple of months ago,
08:48when I took you out on that blind date?
08:50- Remember it?
08:51I'm still having therapy for it.
08:53(audience laughing)
08:54You are not honestly suggesting
08:56I spend another evening with Big Brenda?
08:59- Just 'cause she's taller than you.
09:01Anyway, I heard she was a very sporting girl.
09:04- Yeah, but when you told me she was a sporting girl,
09:06I didn't realize you meant
09:07she was Southern Area Shotput Champion!
09:09(audience laughing)
09:11- Well, you seemed to get on with her, very well.
09:12You was laughing and dancing and that.
09:14- Del, I was scared of her!
09:16(audience laughing)
09:18Anyway, if you think I'm walking into the Nag's Head
09:20on Saturday night with Miss Anabolic Steroids on me arm,
09:22you've got another thing coming.
09:23(audience laughing)
09:25I could not stand another night of:
09:26"So I said to Zola," and, "Zola said to me."
09:30- Oh well, you'll have to sort it out yourself, Rodney.
09:32I mean, you know I've done me best, ain't I, eh?
09:35- You wanna be careful, Rodney.
09:37Look at that little thing
09:38you took to the pictures the other week,
09:40lucky not to get your collar felt.
09:41- Now that's not fair!
09:43She swore blind at me she was 18.
09:45- That's right, how did Rodney know she was only nine?
09:48(audience laughing)
09:50- She was 16 that month. - Sorry.
09:53- Anyway, I didn't suspect nothing till she paid her fare
09:55with a school bus pass.
09:57(audience laughing)
09:58And, she did all the chatting up, you know?
10:00I mean, she invited me to the pictures.
10:02- Well she had to didn't she?
10:03They wouldn't let her in without an adult.
10:05(Del laughing) (audience laughing)
10:07- Oh, get off my back, you two.
10:08Well, I'm going to bed.
10:10- You shouldn't have. - Oh, I forget.
10:13- Rodney, listen, are you sure you don't want me
10:17to phone up that Big Brenda?
10:19-[Rodney] (mumbles) Hang on.
10:20- Oi, watch your language!
10:22These walls are paper thin.
10:25I don't know, Uncle.
10:27I don't know what the younger generation's coming to.
10:30They can't even swear without effing and blinding.
10:32Here you are.
10:32(audience laughing)
10:36Yeah, yeah, all right then, darling.
10:38Yeah, no it's been lovely hearing your voice
10:40after all these years.
10:42Okay, see you around then.
10:44Bonjour.
10:46Oh well, that's it.
10:48That's it, that was the last one.
10:50- Last what?
10:51- Oh, I've been phoning 'round some of me old girlfriends,
10:53see if I could pull something out of the hat for Rodney.
10:56No luck.
10:57I tell you what, Uncle, phoning 'round
10:58some of your old birds don't half make you feel your age.
11:02Any phone calls for me, today?
11:04- Yeah, that young Mickey Pearce called,
11:06said he had a phone number
11:07of a lonely hearts club for Rodney.
11:09- Call, he's a lairy little sot he is.
11:11I'd like to tuck him up, I really would.
11:13Oh well, carry on.
11:16All right, Rodney? - Yep.
11:18- Bloody hell!
11:20(audience laughing)
11:21- That reminds me, I'm playing dominoes
11:23down the Legion tonight.
11:24(audience laughing)
11:30- What have you done to yourself?
11:32- Del, what you see before you is the new me.
11:35The old Rodney Trotter is dead.
11:37Long live the King.
11:39- You look like a licorice allsort!
11:41(audience laughing)
11:42- You haven't gotta wear it, have you?
11:43- No, that's too true, I ain't.
11:45- Look, I've still got a couple of hours left
11:47to win that bet.
11:47I'm going out and see if I can't bump into a right brahma.
11:50- Make sure you don't bump into her on a zebra crossing.
11:53(audience laughing)
11:54No, I mean, it looks a bit like
11:55now you see me, now you don't,
11:56you know what I mean?
11:57Rodney, use your loaf.
11:58You're never gonna pull a tart
11:59dressed up like Bertie Bassett.
12:01(audience laughing)
12:03- You ain't getting to me, Del, so save your breath.
12:06-[Del] (laughs) All right.
12:07- You know what would look good on you, Rodney?
12:10A big white Stetson.
12:11- Do you know what would look good on you Albert?
12:13A Doberman Pinscher.
12:14(audience laughing)
12:16- All right, all right, come on you two.
12:18Now, pack it in.
12:19Listen, do you want me to come with you?
12:21- You can if you like.
12:22I don't care.
12:23- All right, all right, I'll come with you.
12:25- What are you gonna wear?
12:26- Sunglasses, I should think.
12:27(audience laughing) - Oh, then, don't bother.
12:28I'll go on me own. - All right, calm down.
12:29Calm down.
12:30Come on, calm down, have a cup of tea.
12:32And, will you stop winding him up?
12:34- I ain't said a word.
12:35- No, well just make sure you don't then.
12:38(clearing throat)
12:40(tea sloshing) (audience chuckling)
12:43I, I don't know what it is,
12:45but I keep getting this yearning
12:46to put my Bobby Crush LP on.
12:48(audience laughing)
12:51Alright, where, Rodney, where did you get that?
12:54- I bought it off Paddy the Greek.
12:55- Paddy, the Greek! (audience laughing)
12:57Paddy, that's the rubbish I sold him last Monday!
13:00When I offered it to you, then,
13:02you weren't interested.
13:03- Yeah, I know, but he was cheaper than you.
13:05(audience laughing)
13:07- Yeah, well, I've got to cover me overheads, ain't I?
13:09Hey, there's gotta be easier ways to win a bet
13:11than this ain't there?
13:13- Yeah, there's something I don't understand,
13:15all these young girls on the estate
13:16that you take out.
13:17- Yeah, what about 'em?
13:19- How come none of 'em want to see you again?
13:20- Yeah, that is a bit of a mystery isn't it,
13:22ain't that (laughs)?
13:23- All right seeing as how it's
13:25National Let's-Take-the-Piss-Out-of-Rodney Week,
13:27(audience laughing)
13:28I will tell you. - Hmm?
13:30- I frighten them off, all right?
13:32- Frighten them off?
13:33- Yeah, well he's got this thing about uniforms,
13:35ain't he, you know what I mean?
13:37- It's got nothing to do with uniforms.
13:39(audience laughing)
13:40I got over that phase months ago.
13:41(audience laughing)
13:43All right, look, to morons like Mickey Pearce
13:46and some of the others,
13:49a woman is not a person, to talk to, someone to relate to.
13:53Oh no, a woman is just a trinket
13:56to bolster their masculinity,
13:58you know, somebody to hang on their arm
14:00to prove their macho image.
14:02Well, I'm different.
14:05(audience chuckling)
14:07- No, no, there's nothing like that about him.
14:09(audience laughing)
14:11- Look, either I like a girl, or I don't.
14:14If I don't like her, I don't see her no more, right,
14:17but if I do like her,
14:18I tend to get a bit serious
14:21and, well, I think that's what's frightening 'em off.
14:24They're young, you know,
14:26they want to see a bit of life.
14:28Perhaps they don't want a wally like me drooling around 'em.
14:31I just fall in love too easy, that's my trouble.
14:34(Del sputtering)
14:35- It's our family trait, Del,
14:37us Trotters wear our hearts on our sleeves.
14:39- Leave it out, he wears his heart in his Wranglers.
14:42(audience laughing)
14:43- Oh, here we go again, see?
14:44- You don't know what love is, Rodney.
14:46You haven't had enough experience to know.
14:49- Yeah, I'll bet you have, though, ain't you?
14:50- Well, I certainly have, Bruv.
14:51I am covered in emotional scars, me.
14:55(sighing)
14:56- I was in love, once. - Yeah, terrific.
14:58You see, Rodders,
14:59(audience laughing)
15:00I used to have this vision of love.
15:04I used to imagine that me,
15:07me and my sweetheart were running, in slow motion,
15:11through a field of buttercups.
15:14(audience chuckling)
15:15We're both, you know, we're both like that
15:16dressed in white, and, you know,
15:18like, I'd done a bit of weight
15:20and, suddenly, (audience chuckling)
15:23there, in the background, I can hear
15:27Semprini's orchestra playing
15:28the theme tune from Doctor Zhivago.
15:33(humming)
15:35Where's he going?
15:35- Probably going to be sick.
15:37(audience laughing)
15:38- Shut up and listen, listen will you?
15:40And then, again, you see another time,
15:43another time I imagine us at the top of an Alpine peak,
15:46looking out across the mountains and the forests.
15:50It's just like, as if we're the last two people
15:54left alive in the world,
15:57but suddenly, behind us,
15:58you hear the sound of a lone violin.
16:04- Semprini on a skiing holiday, is it?
16:05(audience laughing)
16:06- Will you shut up and listen?
16:08- Oh, come on, Del, that ain't a vision of love;
16:10it's a yogurt commercial.
16:11(audience laughing)
16:12- Oh well, thank you very much.
16:13Here I am, trying to give you,
16:15give you the benefit of my experience
16:16and what do you do, eh?
16:17You throw it back in my face.
16:19Well thank--
16:20What's this?
16:22- That's Helga.
16:23- Helga? - Helga, Helga who?
16:25- I was in love with her.
16:27I don't think I ever really stopped loving her.
16:30Yeah, well, it's getting on, isn't it?
16:31If were going down to the clubs--
16:32- It was in 1946.
16:34We sailed in to Hamburg to pick up some Prisoners of War.
16:38Helga was working in bar near the docks.
16:41She was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
16:45I fell in love with her, the moment I saw her.
16:49Little finger on her right hand was missing.
16:52(audience laughing)
16:53- I bet so. (audience laughing)
16:56- Caught her hand in the till, did she?
16:57(audience laughing)
17:00- No, she'd lost it when her home was bombed.
17:03Her entire family was wiped out.
17:06- Sorry.
17:07- I asked her to marry me.
17:09She said, "No," just like that, "No."
17:13See, I mistook her gestures of friendship as tokens of love.
17:17I suppose it was all for the best, really.
17:19You see, the authorities didn't like us
17:21fraternizing with the Germans
17:23and I was still married to your aunt Ida
17:25(audience laughing)
17:26and she'd have kicked up a stink.
17:28(audience chuckling)
17:29It's funny, you know, but even after all this time,
17:32if ever I'm watching a German war film
17:35and I hear the word, nein, I always think of Helga.
17:41- What, 'cause that's how many fingers she had?
17:43(audience applauding and laughing)
17:47- No. - It's the German word for no.
17:50(audience laughing)
17:52I'll put this back in my box.
17:53- Yeah, that's it.
17:54Go on, you, you put it somewhere safe.
17:57- I think, in her own way, she loved me.
18:00She never used to charge me as much as the other lads.
18:03(audience laughing)
18:09- He tells a good story, don't he, eh?
18:11Gets you right here, don't it, eh?
18:14Like bile. (audience laughing)
18:17Well, come on.
18:18Come on, shake a leg, come on.
18:19- No, I don't think I'll bother, Del.
18:21- Yeah, come on, Rodney.
18:22Come on, you gotta make an effort.
18:23- No, I'm never gonna pull a bird out.
18:24- Yes you are, come on, like, remember,
18:27"He who does, wins."
18:29- Yeah, but that don't work on me, Del.
18:30I'll just have of pay Mickey the money, I guess.
18:32- No you don't.
18:33Listen, I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
18:34Listen, I'll buy the bet off ya.
18:35- Do what? - I'll buy the bet
18:36off ya, all right?
18:37Now, if we win, I collect the 50.
18:39If we lose, I pay out.
18:42How's that grab you?
18:43- Yeah, all right, then.
18:44- Ah, good boy.
18:45You know it makes sense. - Yeah.
18:46- Now, come on, then.
18:47We're gonna go down and give those dance halls
18:49a bit of a hammering tonight.
18:50♫ Come on, let's twist again
18:52♫ Like we did last - Yeah, Del?
18:53- What? - Del, this time, you know,
18:55let's not just go crashing in there, right,
18:56kicking them in the ankles and, "Want to dance, Darling?"
18:58You know, let's have a bit of decorum this time, eh,
19:01a bit of sophistication.
19:03- What are you talking about?
19:04Sophistication is my middle name!
19:05- Yeah, I know, I know.
19:07I just forgot.
19:08- Well, that's all right, then.
19:08Don't you worry.
19:09Listen, I'm just gonna have a wash,
19:11clean pants, splash of Brut, be with you in a minute,
19:13all right, then?
19:16- Terrific. (audience laughing)
19:20- Oh, I don't know.
19:21Scaring me, a right blinding night
19:23this has turned out to be isn't it, eh?
19:25God, we been everywhere.
19:27Empire, Leicester Square, Hammersmith, Palais,
19:29you name it, we've danced there
19:31and the only thing I've pulled is a ligament in me back,
19:33trying to do that bloody break-dancing.
19:35(audience laughing)
19:36Surely to goodness, Rodney,
19:37one of them girls would have done ya?
19:39- No, no they wouldn't, Del.
19:40This one's gotta be someone a bit special.
19:42I told Mickey she was in show business, you know,
19:45made her out to be a bit of a film star.
19:46- Cool, you didn't tell me that
19:48when I took the bet off ya, did ya?
19:50- No. - No, you saucy little git.
19:53Honestly, I don't, oh, come, sit you,
19:55put your tuckus down there.
19:56Come on, for heaven's sake, take the weight off it (sighs).
20:03Well, how are we gonna find a Bo Derek lookalike in Peckham?
20:07If it had been Bo Diddley, we'd have been laughing.
20:09(audience laughing)
20:11- Well, we ain't gonna find her here, are we?
20:13What'd you bring us in here, for?
20:14Looks like a trouble place to me.
20:15- It's not a trouble place.
20:16- Del, there's dried blood on the door handle.
20:18(audience laughing)
20:19- It's the cleaner's night off.
20:21Don't worry, here, look, at the, ooh (whistles),
20:24down there, those two there, those two there.
20:27- Do I look like St. George?
20:31Dammit, Del, look at that one.
20:32She's older than the Mary Rose.
20:34(audience laughing)
20:37- She's all right.
20:38I thought you said that this girlfriend of yours was
20:40a bit of a film star.
20:41Bette Davis is a film star.
20:43- Yeah, well so was Rin Tin Tin,
20:44but I ain't taking a bloody Alsatian to the do.
20:46(audience laughing)
20:48- Don't know, hasn't bothered you other years,
20:49is it, eh? - Oh!
20:50(audience laughing)
20:52- God, look at the state of her, eh?
20:54- Sorry, what?
20:55- You can see her wrinkles from here.
20:57- All right, all right.
20:58- Got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, ain't she?
21:00(audience laughing)
21:02- Leave it, all right, go on.
21:04You can have the best one.
21:05- That is the best one!
21:07(audience laughing)
21:09I don't know what I'm gonna do.
21:10I just bloody well give up with you, I really do.
21:13What are you drinking? - Lager.
21:14- That's all you're gonna get.
21:15Oi, Orlando!
21:16Let's, hey, Vonny, Vonny!
21:20How are you, how are you going?
21:21- Hello, Presh, how are you?
21:22- Oh, I'm all right, you know,
21:23I'm doing a bit here, I'm doing a bit there.
21:25You know me.
21:26What are you doing these days?
21:27You're still stripping, are you?
21:28- I'm not a stripper, Del; I'm an exotic dancer.
21:31- Ah, yeah, of course you are, sorry.
21:33You still take your clothes off, though, don't ya?
21:34- Well, it's part of the act.
21:36- Yeah, yeah, of course.
21:37Here, I heard you got into a bit of trouble the other week.
21:39What was that?
21:40- Did you hear about that? - Yeah.
21:41- Bloody drug-crazed tourist.
21:42He jumped up on the stage after me.
21:45He tried to strangle me, you know?
21:46- Yeah, I know, so I heard, yeah.
21:49How is the snake, now?
21:50(audience laughing)
21:51- Oh, he got over it. - Oh, good, good.
21:54- I got the sack for most of me clubs, now.
21:56-[Del] Oh, yeah?
21:57Orlando!
21:58Yeah, why's that, then?
21:59- Well, to be honest with you, Del,
22:00I've been hitting the bottle a bit too much.
22:02- Oh, have ya (clucking tongue)?
22:03- Doctor says I've got a drink problem.
22:04I says to him, "I ain't got no problem; I like it."
22:08(Del snorting) (audience laughing)
22:10Of course, me real problem is frustration.
22:12- (clearing throat) Well, perhaps I could help you out,
22:14there, couldn't I?
22:15- I shouldn't be a stripper, Del.
22:17- Oh, I don't know, I think it suits you.
22:18- Deep down inside, I'm a singer,
22:20but no one will take me seriously.
22:22- No, I know, it gives you the hump, don't it, eh?
22:25(audience laughing)
22:27Yeah, just a minute.
22:28You know my local, don't you, then, Nags Head?
22:30-[Vonny] Yeah.
22:31- Well, there's a bit of a do on there tomorrow night.
22:32Do you fancy going?
22:34- Will they let me sing, there?
22:35- Well, yeah, they'll insist.
22:36- All right, then, gonna pick me up?
22:38- Ah, no, well, you see, you won't be going with me.
22:40- Who am I going with, then?
22:42- It's all right.
22:42You'll be going with my dopey little brother, over there.
22:46- Where? - He's over there.
22:47He's over there at that table, there, love.
22:49- Well, there's no one there,
22:51just some geezer dressed up like a negative.
22:53- Yeah, that's--
22:54(audience laughing)
22:56That's him.
22:57- Oh, Del! - Now, come on.
22:58Look, I stand to win a bet.
22:59- Oh, god. - Isn't funny.
23:01I'm on for a 50, here, all right.
23:03I'll tell you what.
23:03Come on, look.
23:04There's a score in it for yourself.
23:05(bills rustling)
23:06Go, on. - Oh, tah, Del.
23:07- All right?
23:08Go on, then. - What?
23:10- Well, you got to go over there, haven't you,
23:11and you've got to chat him up, make it look real, go on!
23:14Yes, and use your charm, girl.
23:16Go on, whew!
23:23(audience laughing)
23:25- Hi! - Oh, whatcha?
23:29- Is this anyone's seat?
23:32- Ah, no, no.
23:39- My name's Yvonne.
23:40- Oh, I'm Rodney, Rod.
23:43(audience laughing)
23:45- I, um, ain't seen you here before.
23:48- No, well, it's probably something to do with the fact
23:51that I've never actually been here before.
23:53(audience laughing)
23:55So, do you work here?
23:58- Oh, no, I'm a, I'm in show business.
24:02- Really? (audience laughing)
24:04You ain't done any films, have you?
24:06- Oh, well there was a couple when I was younger,
24:07but I'd rather not talk about it.
24:11I just called in here tonight on the off-chance,
24:13I was hoping I might bump into some friends.
24:17I heard someone was throwing a party tomorrow night.
24:21-[Rodney] Yeah.
24:22- But now, it looks as though I'll have to spend
24:24the evening on my own. - Oh.
24:27(audience laughing)
24:29- Yes, I've got absolutely nothing to do, tomorrow night.
24:32(audience laughing)
24:35- Listen, I've got a couple of tickets for a do.
24:38It's only a pub.
24:39- Oh, I'd love to go with you, thank you.
24:41- Ah, it starts about 8:30.
24:43- Oh, I'll see you there.
24:44- Well, hold on, I better write the address down for you.
24:46- Oh, it's all right.
24:47I know where the Nags Head is, must rush.
24:49- Oh. (footsteps clattering)
24:51(audience laughing)
24:54- Here you go.
24:57Don't tell me you've pulled.
24:59- Oh, I have.
25:00-[Del] You haven't?
25:01- I have! (audience laughing)
25:04- Oh, shh. (door slamming)
25:06Whew, oh, oh! (doorbell ringing)
25:11Oh, dear!
25:13Rodney, Rodney, listen.
25:15Now, listen to me, let me explain.
25:16Before, before I do something that you'll regret,
25:20I'll explain to you, see--
25:21-[Albert] No Del, it's me Del.
25:22- Hey, oh it's you.
25:23Okay, come on in.
25:24Where's Rodney?
25:25- He's coming up he stairs.
25:26Oh, he's after he's after your blood, Del.
25:29- It wasn't my fault, well, not entirely.
25:32I only did it so that he could win the bet.
25:35I'm sure in the cold light of day Rodney will realize
25:38that Vonny's behaviour wasn't that bad.
25:41- Oh it was bad, Del.
25:42It was very bad.
25:44At one point Rodney started crying.
25:46- Oh my God. (door slamming)
25:53- I'm gonna kill you!
25:55- Be careful, now listen, don't be a plonker all your life.
25:58(audience laughing)
25:59- You set her up to going out with me.
26:01- I did not set her up.
26:03I paid her. - You paid her?
26:05Well, that's worse!
26:06- No, listen, stop it, calm down.
26:08All right, now, listen.
26:09I only did it for you to win the bet
26:10and to save your pride.
26:12- My pride?
26:13Tonight, in front of half of Peckham,
26:15the bird I told everyone was my girlfriend stood
26:17on the counter and took all her clothes off!
26:20(audience laughing)
26:22- I don't think anyone noticed, Rodney.
26:24(audience laughing)
26:25- Well, you certainly noticed, Uncle,
26:27because you stood on a chair to notice.
26:30- Yeah. - And, at one point,
26:31he almost knocked you off.
26:33- That's right, he did.
26:34No listen! (audience laughing)
26:35All right, so she has one too many gins,
26:38I didn't know she had drink problem.
26:40- No, I found out a couple of new things about her as well.
26:43I didn't know she could juggle light ale bottles.
26:46I didn't know she couldn't sing.
26:48And, where did that snake come from?
26:49(audience laughing)
26:51- I don't know.
26:52Nobody knows where it went, either.
26:54(audience laughing)
26:55- That's it isn't it?
26:57I will never ever live this evening down.
27:01This is the sort of stuff that legends are made of, right?
27:05I was there telling everyone
27:07how me and Yvonne was thinking of getting engaged.
27:09And, I turned round and there she is
27:11stark (sputters) with nothing on.
27:15I had her singing in one ear
27:16and Hissing Sid in the other.
27:18(audience laughing)
27:19- Yeah, but you won your bet didn't you?
27:21- Yeah, I won my bet all right.
27:23- Ah good boy, did Mickey Pearce pay up?
27:26- Yeah, he paid up; he was laughing but he paid up.
27:29- Alright, come on, come on, let's have the 50.
27:35What's this, 50 pence?
27:38- Yeah, oh, I bet I know what you thought.
27:42(audience laughing)
27:46- You and that Mickey Pearce,
27:48you're like a couple of bleedin kids.
27:50- I can't wait to tell the boys
27:51down the market.
27:52Rodney's girl did a strip
27:53and Del Boy won a 50 pence bet.
28:00- Uncle, stand very still.
28:02There is a snake in the hood of your duffle coat.
28:05(audience laughing)
28:07- What?
28:08- God there is too.
28:09Look at it.
28:10It's a big 'un.
28:12Quick go down
28:14and phone the vet's quickly.
28:17(audience laughing)
28:18(hissing)
28:20(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
28:26(upbeat pop music)