Only Fools and Horses S05E03 — The Longest Night

Every line from “The Longest Night” (567 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S05E03 meme — “I mean who is it?”

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la la la
00:49- That's 29 pounds 48.
00:51- Sorry?
00:53- 29 pounds 48.
00:58- Did you sue 'em?
00:58- Who?
00:59- The charm school.
01:09- Miserable little cow!
01:11- Yeah, you're right, we won't come here again.
01:13In future we'll take our custom down to Patel's Multi-Mart.
01:16They may be a bit dearer but at least
01:17they smile when they take yer money.
01:21Rodney, what's is the matter with you?
01:23- It's him innit, whacked me straight
01:25in the shins with that shopping trolley.
01:27- I couldn't help it.
01:28That trolley had a mind of its own.
01:30- Oh, what you were saying,
01:31it's intellectually superior to you, is that it?
01:34- Don't get sarky Rodney, it don't become yer.
01:37- Well, a broken leg don't become...
01:39- Alright you two, pack it in, will ya.
01:42- Excuse me, one moment Gentlemen.
01:46Tom Clark, Topbuy Superstores.
01:48I wonder if I could have five minutes of your time please?
01:50- Certainly Tom, why what's up then?
01:53- Well if you'd like to accompany me
01:54to the manager's office I'll explain there.
01:56- Here, just a minute - what is your gam...what?
02:03Oh yes.
02:05- Can I help you with any of the shopping?
02:08- Oh thanks a lot, yeah, lead on, MacDougal.
02:15- Yes, yes, yes.
02:20But Valerie, darling, listen to me for a moment.
02:23Why do you want to buy a brand-new car?
02:26- Alright ta.
02:27- Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you back there, but I'm
02:28tryin' to give up smoking you see.
02:30- That's alright son, forget it.
02:32Er, I wonder which one of us it is?
02:34- What d'you mean?
02:35- Well, I mean it can only be one
02:36millionth customer can't there?
02:38- Yeah, well it's got to be me
02:39innit, 'cos I paid for it all didn't I?
02:41- Yeah, but I gave you my housekeeping.
02:43- I gave you half my pension.
02:44- Alright, alright, don't go on about it.
02:47- Del, we'll share the money fairly.
02:48- Alright, leave it to me, Rodney.
02:50- No, we'll share it fairly.
02:52- Look I can't talk now, somebody's come into the office.
02:56No, I'm not quite sure what time I'll be home darling.
02:59You're not cooking anything special are you?
03:01Entrecote Rioja?
03:04Yes, my favorite, I'll give you a call
03:06just before I leave, bye.
03:09The wife.
03:10- Whose?
03:14- Well Tom, what's it all about?
03:16- I stopped these gentlemen
03:17as they were leaving the store sir,
03:18because I have reason to believe they have some
03:19stolen items in their possession.
03:24- Dear, dear, dear.
03:25- Stolen items?
03:25- What are you on about?
03:27- We paid for these groceries.
03:28- That's right, twenty nine
03:29pounds and forty eight pence.
03:30- Yeah, you ask the girl at the checkout.
03:32- They came quietly sir, usually a sign of guilt.
03:34- Well of course we did,
03:35because we thought we'd won the prize didn't we?
03:37- That's all right, Tom leave it with me...and well done.
03:40- Thank you, sir.
03:41- You will be well done if I get a hold...
03:47- All right, that's it.
03:48Come one, come one, let's go, let's go.
03:50- Gentlemen, if I press this button, security will be
03:52waiting for you outside the door.
03:56And it might appear to a magistrate
03:58that you were trying to evade arrest.
04:00- Now wait a minute.
04:01Look, we paid for all these goods
04:02and we've got a bill to prove it.
04:03- Ah yes, and we've got a bill to prove it.
04:05- That's right, show him the bill, Rodney.
04:07- What?
04:08- The bill.
04:09- I ain't got it.
04:10- Well of course you must.
04:11One of you must have.
04:12- Don't look at me I never even saw it.
04:13- Yes you did, because I paid for it, don't you remember?
04:14- She took it out the till.
04:16- Actually we haven't got a bill.
04:18- What a shame, gentlemen, there are two ways
04:21of handling this unfortunate situation.
04:24One; we can remain here in this office
04:26and discuss it like civilized people,
04:28or two; I can call the police.
04:32Why don't you talk it over amongst yourselves
04:35while I carry on with this.
04:37- Here, there must be some way
04:39we can prove we paid for all this.
04:41- Most probably is, Albert, but what happens
04:43if the Old Bill starts asking questions
04:45about all my gear, right, and Rodney's watch?
04:48- Yeah I s'pose you're right.
04:50- You mean my watch is knocked off?
04:56- Listen, it's all right, it's not up to us
04:58to prove our innocence, right?
04:59It's up to them to prove our guilt.
05:01So, all we've got to do is say nothing at all.
05:02Right, just keep schtum.
05:05We'll be out of here in ten minutes flat, all right?
05:20- Hello there, how are you?
05:23I'm very well thank you.
05:25Nice weather for this time of year, isn't it?
05:27Yes it is, yes.
05:30♫ Some enchanted evening
05:40Allow me, that's very reasonable isn't it?
05:45I think I'll have two.
05:50You take care now.
06:23- Mr. Clarke.
06:25- It's all right, Sheila, I've seen him, leave it to me.
06:40- 20 Rothmans and a box of matches, please love.
06:43- That's one pound 46 please.
06:45- Put it on my account.
06:47You take care now.
06:49- You come back here with that stuff.
06:54- All right, son, this is the end of your fun and games.
06:57- What have I done?
06:59Oh no don't tell me, I haven't paid for these have I?
07:03- Haven't paid for?
07:04Get back in there, you're nicked.
07:06- No, no, I have this problem you see, memory blanks.
07:11- Get in there.
07:14- Listen to me man, the other day I went into Woolworths.
07:17When I got home I had a pair of binoculars,
07:1912 packs of Strepsils,
07:21and a roof-rack for a Cortina and I didn't know.
07:25- Yes, well you tell that to the manager,
07:26you're going up to the office.
07:28- Please man, I'll go away for this.
07:29Look, I've only just come out.
07:30- Yeah well you should have thought of that before-hand.
07:32Come on, up to the office.
07:33- Please, man, don't take me up to the office.
07:35Look, give me a break will yer?
07:37- I'll give you a break if you keep on, come on.
07:40- Look, please don't take me up to the office.
07:42Not up to the office.
07:51- That's a very nasty habit you got there you know?
07:54Lose your teeth doing that.
07:56- Really, how would you know that?
07:58- 'Cos I'm gonna run my fist right down your throat
07:59if you don't pack it in.
08:01- Oi oi oi.
08:03- Well Rodney, he's giving me the right hump he really is.
08:06- Don't take me to the office.
08:09- Here's another one for you.
08:12- Open up the safe.
08:14- All right, son, now take it easy.
08:17- Who are they?
08:20- Er, they're here on suspicion of shoplifting.
08:21- Move, move.
08:28Ain't I seen you somewhere before?
08:30- No, no, no. I ain't been anywhere before,
08:32have I Rodney, eh?
08:33- No, no, he stays at home all the time.
08:38- Go on, open up the safe.
08:39- Yes, of course.
08:43- I'm a right villain I am, a real hard nut.
08:48- Yes triffic, yes.
08:50- Hey, what's with the hands in the air?
08:51- Well you've got a gun in your other hand,
08:52haven't you noticed?
08:54- Come on, let's not be formal, put 'em down.
08:57D'you know the secret of my success?
08:59- No, no.
08:59- Planning, no detail is left unturned, no stone unchecked.
09:05I plan everything down to the last second.
09:08- Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry but I can't open the safe.
09:13- What's he say to me?
09:14- Come on now, don't be a prat, sir.
09:16Open the safe for the nice man.
09:19- I can't open it, the combination won't work.
09:22What's the time?
09:23- It's about twenty past five.
09:24- No, it's quarter past six.
09:26- Bloody watch, it's always going wrong.
09:30Me mum only bought it for me a month ago down the market.
09:39- I won't be able to open the safe.
09:41You see, it's fitted with a time-lock
09:43which comes into operation at 6 o' clock.
09:45- Is this true?
09:46- Yeah, I'm sorry son, you're 15 minutes late.
09:49- Bloody watch, so when does it switch off?
09:54- Tomorrow at 8am.
09:57- Oh great, well thank you very much.
10:01So what am I supposed to do now?
10:03- Can't you come back first thing in the morning?
10:06- No I can't, I have got other things to do you know.
10:14Oh well, I suppose there's nothing else for it.
10:22We'll have to wait!
10:24- Wait? What are you talking about.
10:26Well that's 14 hours, innit.
10:28- Look, I don't wanna stay in here
10:30any more than what you do.
10:31But you any idea how much is in that safe?
10:34About sixty grand!
10:36- You're kidding.
10:40- I'm afraid not, Friday is our busiest day.
10:45- See planning, let's all settle down now.
10:51It's only 14 hours, it'll soon go, sit down.
11:01- And I had a date tonight too,
11:03with that croupier bird from the 1-11 Club.
11:06Charming sort, she's well spoken,
11:08cordon bleu cook, does the business.
11:13It could be months before I have another crack at her.
11:15- Yeah, I am well choked for you, ain't I.
11:33- Got any cigars on you?
11:35- No, no, I smoked me last one about an hour ago.
11:38Anyway this'll help you to pack it up, won't it, eh?
11:41- Oh yeah, a gun at yer head's
11:42just the sort of incentive you need, innit?
11:48- He ain't gonna hurt no one,
11:49he's just a kid tryin' to get some money.
11:52He's more frightened than us.
11:54- Aah, bless him.
12:03- Are you still there, son?
12:06- Yeah, what d'you want?
12:08- Just wonderin' about if we can have some lights on.
12:09You know, see what we was up to, know what I mean.
12:13- But passers-by might see the light.
12:15- No, no, not if you pull the blind, right?
12:18- Oh yeah, okay, I want you to do exactly as I say.
12:23- Anything you say son, you're the boss.
12:25- I want you to switch that light on
12:27then pull them blinds down.
12:28- No, no, hang on. What you want to do is
12:31pull down the blind then switch on the light.
12:35- Oh yeah, thanks.
12:37Right, I want you to pull them blinds then...
12:39- Yes, yeah I think I've got it.
12:55- D'you know what the police have nicknamed me?
12:58- I've got a shrewd idea, but no, go on.
13:01- I'm known as The Shadow.
13:03Because I'm fast and fleeting,
13:06I come and I go and no-one knows.
13:09- Come and go do you?
13:10It's gonna take you 14 bleedin' hours to come and go, innit?
13:14- I've known epidemics come and go quicker than you.
13:17- Look, I didn't know that safe was on a time lock.
13:20No, I'm a man of mystery me.
13:23A master of disguises - the man with the thousand faces.
13:27Do you remember the Scarlet Pimpernel?
13:30- That weren't you was it?
13:34- No, but I'm like him.
13:38They seek him here, they seek him there,
13:42those policemen seek him everywhere.
13:45Is he in Heaven, or is he in Hell,
13:48that damned elusive Sh-a-dow.
13:57- It's very good, very very good there.
14:00So the police are looking for The Shadow then, are they?
14:03- They'll never catch him.
14:04- No, no, but I bet Hank Marvin's
14:06had a few tugs though, hasn't he?
14:11- What's that?
14:13- It's the phone.
14:14- I know it's the phone, I ain't stupid.
14:15I mean who is it?
14:17- Well it's a little difficult to tell at this stage.
14:21- You'd better let him answer it son, it might be his wife.
14:24- Oh yeah, she's got entrecote rioja.
14:28- Oh I'm sorry to hear that.
14:30Well go'n then, find out how she is.
14:32- Yes, Peterson.
14:35It's security, they're about to shut up.
14:39Yes, you can switch the alarm system on.
14:40- Oi, oi, oi, I'm the head of security.
14:45Yes, you can switch the alarm system on, yes.
14:49- There you are you see, everything's alright now.
14:52- Yeah? you don't mind if I double-check do ya?
14:57- He's becoming more nervous and agitated.
14:59They're the danger signs in a situation like this.
15:02- I've told you, he'll be alright, he'll be good as
15:04gold as long as we don't upset him, he's just a kid.
15:07- That's what makes him dangerous.
15:09A nervous kid, hair trigger.
15:12Put 'em together...
15:15- You're a cheerful old bark ain't yer?
15:19- One of us has got to create a distraction
15:22so that the other two can grapple with him and disarm him.
15:26- What are you whispering about?
15:27- It's alright son, nothing, alright, alright, no problem.
15:30- Do you mind if I stand up a bit and walk around?
15:33- Why?
15:34- I've got a bit of cramp in me leg.
15:38- Go on then, no sudden movements though.
15:41- Sudden movements, him?
15:44- The closest he gets to a sudden movement
15:45is when he wipes the cobwebs off his head.
15:56- That's better.
15:59Argh, ahhh, ohhhh.
16:40- Got any tobacco on you?
16:59(car doors closing)
17:04- What's that noise?
17:05- Weren't me.
17:08- It's the staff arriving.
17:11- What time d'you open?
17:12- 8:30.
17:14- We've been here 13 an 'alf hours.
17:17Don't time fly when you're in good company?
17:20- Only 'alf hour to go and it'll all be over.
17:22- The old Shadow's looking pretty knackered ain't he, eh?
17:26- Yeah, well, with proper training
17:27you can condition your body to do without sleep,
17:30I learnt that out in Kenya.
17:32- What, you got a branch out there then?
17:35No, no, when I was younger I did a bit of traveling.
17:38I ended up doing five years with the Kenyan Police Force.
17:40I was out there during the trouble with the Mau Mau.
17:42- He's too young to know what that means.
17:44He most probably thinks the Mau Mau
17:46is the African Post Office.
17:48- We did modern history at school, didn't we, mouthy?
17:52- Judging by all them ribbons
17:52you must have seen a bit of action Albert?
17:54- Yeah, I was in the Navy, Royal and Merchant.
17:58I've seen things that would make yer teeth itch.
18:01But I never talk about them
18:04Sharks, don't talk to me about sharks,
18:07I've seen 'em 30 foot long.
18:09Monsters they were.
18:11- Yeah, he thinks that Jaws was a stickleback.
18:18- Oi, Rodney, what the bleedin' hell
18:20d'you think you're playing at?
18:22- Rodney, Rodney, come back and sit down son.
18:23- Don't do anything rash son, it's not worth it.
18:26- God's sake, there's only 30 minutes to go.
18:51- You plonka.
18:54- What you doing?
18:57- Nothing, I just fancied a fag that's all.
19:00- Well why didn't you ask me?
19:02There's no need to steal.
19:06- No, sorry.
19:09- What was that?
19:10- It's the staff arriving.
19:11- They start early don't they, quarter past four.
19:14- It's half past seven.
19:16- Bloody watch, so, only 'alf an hour to go.
19:25It's sad really, we might never meet again.
19:29- We could always hold a reunion next year, if you like.
19:34- I remember who you are now.
19:37- No, no, it's all right son, you can have a full rebate,
19:39no problems, all right?
19:41- You're er...oh what is it?
19:43No, don't tell me, Tel.
19:45- Yeah.
19:46Del, Del Trotter, right?
19:50Don't you recognize me?
19:52- Well you're a master of disguise ain't yer.
19:55- D'you remember Roseanna Gilbey?
19:57West Indian lady, lives down Cutler Road.
20:00Years ago you used to come round
20:01on the weekly and that, selling shoes Del.
20:04- Yes I remember, and that was you?
20:09- Don't you remember her little boy?
20:12- No, no. You're not little little Lennox.
20:15- That's right, it's me Lennox Gilbey.
20:18- Lennox Gilbey. I don't believe it, stone me.
20:22Now last time I saw you, you was about that high.
20:25Cor dear, doesn't time fly, eh?
20:28So what you doing with yourself now?
20:32- Oh well, I'm on the dole, Del.
20:33- Oh yeah, how's your mum?
20:35- She's all right, suffers from her feet a bit, but...
20:37- Yeah, well, but she would.
20:38Wait a minute, hang about. I remember your mum.
20:42I remember, very straight lady, proud,
20:44church goer and all that.
20:46- Yeah, she won't know nothing about this, Del.
20:49- Oh no, so how you gonna explain
20:51away sixty thousand pounds then, eh?
20:53Christmas bonus from the Job Centre?
20:56Listen Lennox, there are millions of people out
20:58there in the same boat as you
20:59that don't go round robbing everyone.
21:00- Look I haven't had a job right in six years.
21:03- Well nor has Rodney.
21:06- I've got no future.
21:07- Nor has Rodney.
21:09- Look I haven't done a day's work since I left school, Del.
21:13- It's a tough old world Lennox.
21:16Tough world but it doesn't give you the right to
21:18go round pointing guns at people.
21:20That thing's gonna put you in prison.
21:22- No, I'm too shrewd.
21:23- Oh shrewd, you, Shrewd are you? Very shrewd.
21:26- Yeah - Yeah, that's right
21:28An hour ago you were The Shadow, right man of mystery.
21:30Now we know your name,
21:31your address, and your mum's shoe size.
21:34Come on Lennox, give it up now before it's too late, eh?
21:39That gun doesn't suit you.
21:41- In 20 minutes, Del, I'll be rich.
21:43- And in 30 minutes you're gonna be banged up.
21:46I'll tell you what shall I?
21:48Just review the situation for a second, all right?
21:51All the staff have arrived, right?
21:54They've started to work out there.
21:55Now you gotta walk through 'em, haven't ya?
21:57They're all out there - shelf-packers, the porters,
22:00the cleaners, security people.
22:04The shop doesn't open till half past eight, right?
22:06Now in order for you to get out, you've gotta go up,
22:08ask one of them to go and get the keys to let you out.
22:12- Before you can say 'police sniper' there'll be more
22:13lead flying about than a fight in a scrap yard.
22:17- Yeah, you'd never reach your getaway car.
22:20- Get-away car, I knew there was something.
22:26Here, look Del, I didn't wanna go through with this,
22:28all right, I just got, I just got a bit desperate.
22:31- It's all right, it's all right.
22:32I know son, I know all right?
22:34- And the police didn't really nickname me The Shadow.
22:37I'm not known by the police.
22:39I've never done anything like this before.
22:42- Look, now listen to me, now listen,
22:44come on, you give it up, give it up before it's too late.
22:49I'll tell you what I'll do,
22:50I'll come down the court with ya, and I'll speak for ya, eh?
22:55- You said it would be easy.
22:56- Shut up you fool.
22:57- I've been set up for this, Del.
23:00- You? You and Lennox?
23:02- He said I'd just walk out with the money.
23:04- And you could have if you'd been here
23:05at five o'clock as arranged.
23:06- That's it, that's it innit?
23:08Of course, it's been worrying me all night this has.
23:10I mean to say, how did Lennox know so much about this place?
23:14How did he know there was all that money
23:15here in the safe, and where it was?
23:18- You must believe me, I didn't do it purely for the money.
23:20- What d'you do it for then?
23:23- Well all right, I did it for the money.
23:26But it was simply to pay off my debts.
23:28You see I have a wife whose hobby is spending.
23:3212 thousand pounds for a solarium,
23:3515 thousand pounds for a swimming pool,
23:39and now she's got the estimates on a
23:40marble-tiled gazebo,
23:43God we only live in a semi.
23:46- Couldn't you seek professional help?
23:50- You mean a psychiatrist?
23:51- No, I mean a hit-man.
23:53- No, I couldn't afford it.
23:55This seemed the only way out.
23:57- But how did you two ever meet?
23:59I mean, I can't imagine Lennox at the young Tories ball,
24:02and well you wouldn't go down a bomb
24:03at the Ram Jam Club, would yer?
24:05- Lennox came here last year looking for a job.
24:08- Then we bumped into each other
24:09a couple of months ago in court.
24:11- I'd been summonsed for failure to maintain
24:12the repayments on a hire purchase agreement
24:14that had been signed by my wife, the fat greedy cow.
24:18- I was there on an attempted wounding case.
24:21Oh, I weren't the accused Del, I was the victim.
24:24Anyway, me and Mr Peterson got chatting
24:27and the whole thing started from there.
24:29- Did he supply you with the gun?
24:30- Oh, no, he did.
24:36- Chamboussiz nouvelle. Cor dear,
24:39would you Adam and Eve it, eh?
24:42Dixon of Kuala Lumpur is involved.
24:46- Yeah that's right, the three of us planned it.
24:49But I want you to know I did it purely for the money.
24:51- I bet you did.
24:52- I retire in a couple of months' time and you should
24:53have seen the crummy pension this firm was offering me.
24:56I was gonna get less than Duncan Goodhew's barber.
25:00- We needed Tom in with us for his police experience.
25:02He told us what to do, how to make the robbery look genuine.
25:06- So where did we fit into all this?
25:07- Well, it would have looked a bit dodgy wouldn't it,
25:09if the only witnesses to a 60 grand robbery were
25:12the store manager and the head of security.
25:13No, what we wanted was some independent witnesses.
25:16- Oh. I see, so that is why you pulled us in?
25:20Ffffffourteen hours, just to provide you with an alibi.
25:28Cor, well I'll...just a minute, give me that here.
25:31Look, where did you get this?
25:33- Out of our toy department.
25:34- Yeah, I wondered how long Taiwan had been making Lugers.
25:39- So what happens now?
25:41Are you going to the police?
25:45- Na, I'm gonna phone 'em instead.
25:48No, no, no, it's alright, don't panic,
25:50don't panic, just winding you up.
25:53You are a wally Lennox.
25:55- Sorry, Del.
25:56- What is your mum gonna say, eh?
26:00Anyway there's no real harm done right?
26:03No one's got hurt, nothing has been nicked.
26:06Now listen, listen to me Lennox, you're after a job right?
26:09- I've been after one ever since I left school, Del.
26:11- Yeah, well I know where there's one going.
26:12And I'm well in with the governor.
26:14- You're kidding??
26:15- No.
26:16- D'you reckon you could swing it for me?
26:17- Well I reckon to, mind you the job
26:18does not come available until, when d'you retire Tom?
26:22- What, him work here in security?
26:24- Can you think of anyone better?
26:25He'll know exactly who to keep his eye on.
26:28- That's right, well, tell me, what would do prefer,
26:30young Lennox or Old Bill?
26:34- Welcome to the firm, Lennox.
26:37- I'll sort you out a uniform, show you yer duties.
26:40- That's it, right Rodney, come on Albert,
26:41come on, we're going, we're leaving.
26:43Let's get out of here.
26:46- This lot's gonna have to go straight
26:46in the fridge when we get home.
26:50(knocking)
26:53- Here are Lennox, save you buying a truncheon,
26:55won't it, eh?
26:57Oh, by the way Mr Peterson, I'm coming back
26:58to your shop this afternoon.
26:59- Why?
27:00- 'Cos I've got this funny feeling that I am gonna be
27:02your millionth customer.
27:03What do you think?
27:05- I have exactly the same feeling.
27:08- You know it makes sense don't ya? Bonjour.
27:16♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
27:18♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
27:20♫ Tvs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs.
27:23Ball games, gold chains, what's-names, pictures frames
27:26And leather goods
27:27And Trevor Francis track suits.
27:31♫ No income tax, no VAT
27:34♫ No money back, no guarantee
27:38♫ Black or white, rich or poor
27:41♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
27:45♫ God bless Hooky Street
27:49♫ Viva Hooky Street
27:52♫ Long live Hooky Street
27:54♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
27:58♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street