Only Fools and Horses S05E03 — The Longest Night

Every line from “The Longest Night” (567 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother, I'm your man
00:18♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la la la
00:49- That's 29 pounds 48.
00:51- Sorry?
00:53- 29 pounds 48.
00:58- Did you sue 'em?
00:58- Who?
00:59- The charm school.
01:09- Miserable little cow!
01:11- Yeah, you're right, we won't come here again.
01:13In future we'll take our custom down to Patel's Multi-Mart.
01:16They may be a bit dearer but at least
01:17they smile when they take yer money.
01:21Rodney, what's is the matter with you?
01:23- It's him innit, whacked me straight
01:25in the shins with that shopping trolley.
01:27- I couldn't help it.
01:28That trolley had a mind of its own.
01:30- Oh, what you were saying,
01:31it's intellectually superior to you, is that it?
01:34- Don't get sarky Rodney, it don't become yer.
01:37- Well, a broken leg don't become...
01:39- Alright you two, pack it in, will ya.
01:42- Excuse me, one moment Gentlemen.
01:46Tom Clark, Topbuy Superstores.
01:48I wonder if I could have five minutes of your time please?
01:50- Certainly Tom, why what's up then?
01:53- Well if you'd like to accompany me
01:54to the manager's office I'll explain there.
01:56- Here, just a minute - what is your gam...what?
02:03Oh yes.
02:05- Can I help you with any of the shopping?
02:08- Oh thanks a lot, yeah, lead on, MacDougal.
02:15- Yes, yes, yes.
02:20But Valerie, darling, listen to me for a moment.
02:23Why do you want to buy a brand-new car?
02:26- Alright ta.
02:27- Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you back there, but I'm
02:28tryin' to give up smoking you see.
02:30- That's alright son, forget it.
02:32Er, I wonder which one of us it is?
02:34- What d'you mean?
02:35- Well, I mean it can only be one
02:36millionth customer can't there?
02:38- Yeah, well it's got to be me
02:39innit, 'cos I paid for it all didn't I?
02:41- Yeah, but I gave you my housekeeping.
02:43- I gave you half my pension.
02:44- Alright, alright, don't go on about it.
02:47- Del, we'll share the money fairly.
02:48- Alright, leave it to me, Rodney.
02:50- No, we'll share it fairly.
02:52- Look I can't talk now, somebody's come into the office.
02:56No, I'm not quite sure what time I'll be home darling.
02:59You're not cooking anything special are you?
03:01Entrecote Rioja?
03:04Yes, my favorite, I'll give you a call
03:06just before I leave, bye.
03:09The wife.
03:10- Whose?
03:14- Well Tom, what's it all about?
03:16- I stopped these gentlemen
03:17as they were leaving the store sir,
03:18because I have reason to believe they have some
03:19stolen items in their possession.
03:24- Dear, dear, dear.
03:25- Stolen items?
03:25- What are you on about?
03:27- We paid for these groceries.
03:28- That's right, twenty nine
03:29pounds and forty eight pence.
03:30- Yeah, you ask the girl at the checkout.
03:32- They came quietly sir, usually a sign of guilt.
03:34- Well of course we did,
03:35because we thought we'd won the prize didn't we?
03:37- That's all right, Tom leave it with me...and well done.
03:40- Thank you, sir.
03:41- You will be well done if I get a hold...
03:47- All right, that's it.
03:48Come one, come one, let's go, let's go.
03:50- Gentlemen, if I press this button, security will be
03:52waiting for you outside the door.
03:56And it might appear to a magistrate
03:58that you were trying to evade arrest.
04:00- Now wait a minute.
04:01Look, we paid for all these goods
04:02and we've got a bill to prove it.
04:03- Ah yes, and we've got a bill to prove it.
04:05- That's right, show him the bill, Rodney.
04:07- What?
04:08- The bill.
04:09- I ain't got it.
04:10- Well of course you must.
04:11One of you must have.
04:12- Don't look at me I never even saw it.
04:13- Yes you did, because I paid for it, don't you remember?
04:14- She took it out the till.
04:16- Actually we haven't got a bill.
04:18- What a shame, gentlemen, there are two ways
04:21of handling this unfortunate situation.
04:24One; we can remain here in this office
04:26and discuss it like civilized people,
04:28or two; I can call the police.
04:32Why don't you talk it over amongst yourselves
04:35while I carry on with this.
04:37- Here, there must be some way
04:39we can prove we paid for all this.
04:41- Most probably is, Albert, but what happens
04:43if the Old Bill starts asking questions
04:45about all my gear, right, and Rodney's watch?
04:48- Yeah I s'pose you're right.
04:50- You mean my watch is knocked off?
04:56- Listen, it's all right, it's not up to us
04:58to prove our innocence, right?
04:59It's up to them to prove our guilt.
05:01So, all we've got to do is say nothing at all.
05:02Right, just keep schtum.
05:05We'll be out of here in ten minutes flat, all right?
05:20- Hello there, how are you?
05:23I'm very well thank you.
05:25Nice weather for this time of year, isn't it?
05:27Yes it is, yes.
05:30♫ Some enchanted evening
05:40Allow me, that's very reasonable isn't it?
05:45I think I'll have two.
05:50You take care now.
06:23- Mr. Clarke.
06:25- It's all right, Sheila, I've seen him, leave it to me.
06:40- 20 Rothmans and a box of matches, please love.
06:43- That's one pound 46 please.
06:45- Put it on my account.
06:47You take care now.
06:49- You come back here with that stuff.
06:54- All right, son, this is the end of your fun and games.
06:57- What have I done?
06:59Oh no don't tell me, I haven't paid for these have I?
07:03- Haven't paid for?
07:04Get back in there, you're nicked.
07:06- No, no, I have this problem you see, memory blanks.
07:11- Get in there.
07:14- Listen to me man, the other day I went into Woolworths.
07:17When I got home I had a pair of binoculars,
07:1912 packs of Strepsils,
07:21and a roof-rack for a Cortina and I didn't know.
07:25- Yes, well you tell that to the manager,
07:26you're going up to the office.
07:28- Please man, I'll go away for this.
07:29Look, I've only just come out.
07:30- Yeah well you should have thought of that before-hand.
07:32Come on, up to the office.
07:33- Please, man, don't take me up to the office.
07:35Look, give me a break will yer?
07:37- I'll give you a break if you keep on, come on.
07:40- Look, please don't take me up to the office.
07:42Not up to the office.
07:51- That's a very nasty habit you got there you know?
07:54Lose your teeth doing that.
07:56- Really, how would you know that?
07:58- 'Cos I'm gonna run my fist right down your throat
07:59if you don't pack it in.
08:01- Oi oi oi.
08:03- Well Rodney, he's giving me the right hump he really is.
08:06- Don't take me to the office.
08:09- Here's another one for you.
08:12- Open up the safe.
08:14- All right, son, now take it easy.
08:17- Who are they?
08:20- Er, they're here on suspicion of shoplifting.
08:21- Move, move.
08:28Ain't I seen you somewhere before?
08:30- No, no, no. I ain't been anywhere before,
08:32have I Rodney, eh?
08:33- No, no, he stays at home all the time.
08:38- Go on, open up the safe.
08:39- Yes, of course.
08:43- I'm a right villain I am, a real hard nut.
08:48- Yes triffic, yes.
08:50- Hey, what's with the hands in the air?
08:51- Well you've got a gun in your other hand,
08:52haven't you noticed?
08:54- Come on, let's not be formal, put 'em down.
08:57D'you know the secret of my success?
08:59- No, no.
08:59- Planning, no detail is left unturned, no stone unchecked.
09:05I plan everything down to the last second.
09:08- Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry but I can't open the safe.
09:13- What's he say to me?
09:14- Come on now, don't be a prat, sir.
09:16Open the safe for the nice man.
09:19- I can't open it, the combination won't work.
09:22What's the time?
09:23- It's about twenty past five.
09:24- No, it's quarter past six.
09:26- Bloody watch, it's always going wrong.
09:30Me mum only bought it for me a month ago down the market.
09:39- I won't be able to open the safe.
09:41You see, it's fitted with a time-lock
09:43which comes into operation at 6 o' clock.
09:45- Is this true?
09:46- Yeah, I'm sorry son, you're 15 minutes late.
09:49- Bloody watch, so when does it switch off?
09:54- Tomorrow at 8am.
09:57- Oh great, well thank you very much.
10:01So what am I supposed to do now?
10:03- Can't you come back first thing in the morning?
10:06- No I can't, I have got other things to do you know.
10:14Oh well, I suppose there's nothing else for it.
10:22We'll have to wait!
10:24- Wait? What are you talking about.
10:26Well that's 14 hours, innit.
10:28- Look, I don't wanna stay in here
10:30any more than what you do.
10:31But you any idea how much is in that safe?
10:34About sixty grand!
10:36- You're kidding.
10:40- I'm afraid not, Friday is our busiest day.
10:45- See planning, let's all settle down now.
10:51It's only 14 hours, it'll soon go, sit down.
11:01- And I had a date tonight too,
11:03with that croupier bird from the 1-11 Club.
11:06Charming sort, she's well spoken,
11:08cordon bleu cook, does the business.
11:13It could be months before I have another crack at her.
11:15- Yeah, I am well choked for you, ain't I.
11:33- Got any cigars on you?
11:35- No, no, I smoked me last one about an hour ago.
11:38Anyway this'll help you to pack it up, won't it, eh?
11:41- Oh yeah, a gun at yer head's
11:42just the sort of incentive you need, innit?
11:48- He ain't gonna hurt no one,
11:49he's just a kid tryin' to get some money.
11:52He's more frightened than us.
11:54- Aah, bless him.
12:03- Are you still there, son?
12:06- Yeah, what d'you want?
12:08- Just wonderin' about if we can have some lights on.
12:09You know, see what we was up to, know what I mean.
12:13- But passers-by might see the light.
12:15- No, no, not if you pull the blind, right?
12:18- Oh yeah, okay, I want you to do exactly as I say.
12:23- Anything you say son, you're the boss.
12:25- I want you to switch that light on
12:27then pull them blinds down.
12:28- No, no, hang on. What you want to do is
12:31pull down the blind then switch on the light.
12:35- Oh yeah, thanks.
12:37Right, I want you to pull them blinds then...
12:39- Yes, yeah I think I've got it.
12:55- D'you know what the police have nicknamed me?
12:58- I've got a shrewd idea, but no, go on.
13:01- I'm known as The Shadow.
13:03Because I'm fast and fleeting,
13:06I come and I go and no-one knows.
13:09- Come and go do you?
13:10It's gonna take you 14 bleedin' hours to come and go, innit?
13:14- I've known epidemics come and go quicker than you.
13:17- Look, I didn't know that safe was on a time lock.
13:20No, I'm a man of mystery me.
13:23A master of disguises - the man with the thousand faces.
13:27Do you remember the Scarlet Pimpernel?
13:30- That weren't you was it?
13:34- No, but I'm like him.
13:38They seek him here, they seek him there,
13:42those policemen seek him everywhere.
13:45Is he in Heaven, or is he in Hell,
13:48that damned elusive Sh-a-dow.
13:57- It's very good, very very good there.
14:00So the police are looking for The Shadow then, are they?
14:03- They'll never catch him.
14:04- No, no, but I bet Hank Marvin's
14:06had a few tugs though, hasn't he?
14:11- What's that?
14:13- It's the phone.
14:14- I know it's the phone, I ain't stupid.
14:15I mean who is it?
14:17- Well it's a little difficult to tell at this stage.
14:21- You'd better let him answer it son, it might be his wife.
14:24- Oh yeah, she's got entrecote rioja.
14:28- Oh I'm sorry to hear that.
14:30Well go'n then, find out how she is.
14:32- Yes, Peterson.
14:35It's security, they're about to shut up.
14:39Yes, you can switch the alarm system on.
14:40- Oi, oi, oi, I'm the head of security.
14:45Yes, you can switch the alarm system on, yes.
14:49- There you are you see, everything's alright now.
14:52- Yeah? you don't mind if I double-check do ya?
14:57- He's becoming more nervous and agitated.
14:59They're the danger signs in a situation like this.
15:02- I've told you, he'll be alright, he'll be good as
15:04gold as long as we don't upset him, he's just a kid.
15:07- That's what makes him dangerous.
15:09A nervous kid, hair trigger.
15:12Put 'em together...
15:15- You're a cheerful old bark ain't yer?
15:19- One of us has got to create a distraction
15:22so that the other two can grapple with him and disarm him.
15:26- What are you whispering about?
15:27- It's alright son, nothing, alright, alright, no problem.
15:30- Do you mind if I stand up a bit and walk around?
15:33- Why?
15:34- I've got a bit of cramp in me leg.
15:38- Go on then, no sudden movements though.
15:41- Sudden movements, him?
15:44- The closest he gets to a sudden movement
15:45is when he wipes the cobwebs off his head.
15:56- That's better.
15:59Argh, ahhh, ohhhh.
16:40- Got any tobacco on you?
16:59(car doors closing)
17:04- What's that noise?
17:05- Weren't me.
17:08- It's the staff arriving.
17:11- What time d'you open?
17:12- 8:30.
17:14- We've been here 13 an 'alf hours.
17:17Don't time fly when you're in good company?
17:20- Only 'alf hour to go and it'll all be over.
17:22- The old Shadow's looking pretty knackered ain't he, eh?
17:26- Yeah, well, with proper training
17:27you can condition your body to do without sleep,
17:30I learnt that out in Kenya.
17:32- What, you got a branch out there then?
17:35No, no, when I was younger I did a bit of traveling.
17:38I ended up doing five years with the Kenyan Police Force.
17:40I was out there during the trouble with the Mau Mau.
17:42- He's too young to know what that means.
17:44He most probably thinks the Mau Mau
17:46is the African Post Office.
17:48- We did modern history at school, didn't we, mouthy?
17:52- Judging by all them ribbons
17:52you must have seen a bit of action Albert?
17:54- Yeah, I was in the Navy, Royal and Merchant.
17:58I've seen things that would make yer teeth itch.
18:01But I never talk about them
18:04Sharks, don't talk to me about sharks,
18:07I've seen 'em 30 foot long.
18:09Monsters they were.
18:11- Yeah, he thinks that Jaws was a stickleback.
18:18- Oi, Rodney, what the bleedin' hell
18:20d'you think you're playing at?
18:22- Rodney, Rodney, come back and sit down son.
18:23- Don't do anything rash son, it's not worth it.
18:26- God's sake, there's only 30 minutes to go.
18:51- You plonka.
18:54- What you doing?
18:57- Nothing, I just fancied a fag that's all.
19:00- Well why didn't you ask me?
19:02There's no need to steal.
19:06- No, sorry.
19:09- What was that?
19:10- It's the staff arriving.
19:11- They start early don't they, quarter past four.
19:14- It's half past seven.
19:16- Bloody watch, so, only 'alf an hour to go.
19:25It's sad really, we might never meet again.
19:29- We could always hold a reunion next year, if you like.
19:34- I remember who you are now.
19:37- No, no, it's all right son, you can have a full rebate,
19:39no problems, all right?
19:41- You're er...oh what is it?
19:43No, don't tell me, Tel.
19:45- Yeah.
19:46Del, Del Trotter, right?
19:50Don't you recognize me?
19:52- Well you're a master of disguise ain't yer.
19:55- D'you remember Roseanna Gilbey?
19:57West Indian lady, lives down Cutler Road.
20:00Years ago you used to come round
20:01on the weekly and that, selling shoes Del.
20:04- Yes I remember, and that was you?
20:09- Don't you remember her little boy?
20:12- No, no. You're not little little Lennox.
20:15- That's right, it's me Lennox Gilbey.
20:18- Lennox Gilbey. I don't believe it, stone me.
20:22Now last time I saw you, you was about that high.
20:25Cor dear, doesn't time fly, eh?
20:28So what you doing with yourself now?
20:32- Oh well, I'm on the dole, Del.
20:33- Oh yeah, how's your mum?
20:35- She's all right, suffers from her feet a bit, but...
20:37- Yeah, well, but she would.
20:38Wait a minute, hang about. I remember your mum.
20:42I remember, very straight lady, proud,
20:44church goer and all that.
20:46- Yeah, she won't know nothing about this, Del.
20:49- Oh no, so how you gonna explain
20:51away sixty thousand pounds then, eh?
20:53Christmas bonus from the Job Centre?
20:56Listen Lennox, there are millions of people out
20:58there in the same boat as you
20:59that don't go round robbing everyone.
21:00- Look I haven't had a job right in six years.
21:03- Well nor has Rodney.
21:06- I've got no future.
21:07- Nor has Rodney.
21:09- Look I haven't done a day's work since I left school, Del.
21:13- It's a tough old world Lennox.
21:16Tough world but it doesn't give you the right to
21:18go round pointing guns at people.
21:20That thing's gonna put you in prison.
21:22- No, I'm too shrewd.
21:23- Oh shrewd, you, Shrewd are you? Very shrewd.
21:26- Yeah - Yeah, that's right
21:28An hour ago you were The Shadow, right man of mystery.
21:30Now we know your name,
21:31your address, and your mum's shoe size.
21:34Come on Lennox, give it up now before it's too late, eh?
21:39That gun doesn't suit you.
21:41- In 20 minutes, Del, I'll be rich.
21:43- And in 30 minutes you're gonna be banged up.
21:46I'll tell you what shall I?
21:48Just review the situation for a second, all right?
21:51All the staff have arrived, right?
21:54They've started to work out there.
21:55Now you gotta walk through 'em, haven't ya?
21:57They're all out there - shelf-packers, the porters,
22:00the cleaners, security people.
22:04The shop doesn't open till half past eight, right?
22:06Now in order for you to get out, you've gotta go up,
22:08ask one of them to go and get the keys to let you out.
22:12- Before you can say 'police sniper' there'll be more
22:13lead flying about than a fight in a scrap yard.
22:17- Yeah, you'd never reach your getaway car.
22:20- Get-away car, I knew there was something.
22:26Here, look Del, I didn't wanna go through with this,
22:28all right, I just got, I just got a bit desperate.
22:31- It's all right, it's all right.
22:32I know son, I know all right?
22:34- And the police didn't really nickname me The Shadow.
22:37I'm not known by the police.
22:39I've never done anything like this before.
22:42- Look, now listen to me, now listen,
22:44come on, you give it up, give it up before it's too late.
22:49I'll tell you what I'll do,
22:50I'll come down the court with ya, and I'll speak for ya, eh?
22:55- You said it would be easy.
22:56- Shut up you fool.
22:57- I've been set up for this, Del.
23:00- You? You and Lennox?
23:02- He said I'd just walk out with the money.
23:04- And you could have if you'd been here
23:05at five o'clock as arranged.
23:06- That's it, that's it innit?
23:08Of course, it's been worrying me all night this has.
23:10I mean to say, how did Lennox know so much about this place?
23:14How did he know there was all that money
23:15here in the safe, and where it was?
23:18- You must believe me, I didn't do it purely for the money.
23:20- What d'you do it for then?
23:23- Well all right, I did it for the money.
23:26But it was simply to pay off my debts.
23:28You see I have a wife whose hobby is spending.
23:3212 thousand pounds for a solarium,
23:3515 thousand pounds for a swimming pool,
23:39and now she's got the estimates on a
23:40marble-tiled gazebo,
23:43God we only live in a semi.
23:46- Couldn't you seek professional help?
23:50- You mean a psychiatrist?
23:51- No, I mean a hit-man.
23:53- No, I couldn't afford it.
23:55This seemed the only way out.
23:57- But how did you two ever meet?
23:59I mean, I can't imagine Lennox at the young Tories ball,
24:02and well you wouldn't go down a bomb
24:03at the Ram Jam Club, would yer?
24:05- Lennox came here last year looking for a job.
24:08- Then we bumped into each other
24:09a couple of months ago in court.
24:11- I'd been summonsed for failure to maintain
24:12the repayments on a hire purchase agreement
24:14that had been signed by my wife, the fat greedy cow.
24:18- I was there on an attempted wounding case.
24:21Oh, I weren't the accused Del, I was the victim.
24:24Anyway, me and Mr Peterson got chatting
24:27and the whole thing started from there.
24:29- Did he supply you with the gun?
24:30- Oh, no, he did.
24:36- Chamboussiz nouvelle. Cor dear,
24:39would you Adam and Eve it, eh?
24:42Dixon of Kuala Lumpur is involved.
24:46- Yeah that's right, the three of us planned it.
24:49But I want you to know I did it purely for the money.
24:51- I bet you did.
24:52- I retire in a couple of months' time and you should
24:53have seen the crummy pension this firm was offering me.
24:56I was gonna get less than Duncan Goodhew's barber.
25:00- We needed Tom in with us for his police experience.
25:02He told us what to do, how to make the robbery look genuine.
25:06- So where did we fit into all this?
25:07- Well, it would have looked a bit dodgy wouldn't it,
25:09if the only witnesses to a 60 grand robbery were
25:12the store manager and the head of security.
25:13No, what we wanted was some independent witnesses.
25:16- Oh. I see, so that is why you pulled us in?
25:20Ffffffourteen hours, just to provide you with an alibi.
25:28Cor, well I'll...just a minute, give me that here.
25:31Look, where did you get this?
25:33- Out of our toy department.
25:34- Yeah, I wondered how long Taiwan had been making Lugers.
25:39- So what happens now?
25:41Are you going to the police?
25:45- Na, I'm gonna phone 'em instead.
25:48No, no, no, it's alright, don't panic,
25:50don't panic, just winding you up.
25:53You are a wally Lennox.
25:55- Sorry, Del.
25:56- What is your mum gonna say, eh?
26:00Anyway there's no real harm done right?
26:03No one's got hurt, nothing has been nicked.
26:06Now listen, listen to me Lennox, you're after a job right?
26:09- I've been after one ever since I left school, Del.
26:11- Yeah, well I know where there's one going.
26:12And I'm well in with the governor.
26:14- You're kidding??
26:15- No.
26:16- D'you reckon you could swing it for me?
26:17- Well I reckon to, mind you the job
26:18does not come available until, when d'you retire Tom?
26:22- What, him work here in security?
26:24- Can you think of anyone better?
26:25He'll know exactly who to keep his eye on.
26:28- That's right, well, tell me, what would do prefer,
26:30young Lennox or Old Bill?
26:34- Welcome to the firm, Lennox.
26:37- I'll sort you out a uniform, show you yer duties.
26:40- That's it, right Rodney, come on Albert,
26:41come on, we're going, we're leaving.
26:43Let's get out of here.
26:46- This lot's gonna have to go straight
26:46in the fridge when we get home.
26:50(knocking)
26:53- Here are Lennox, save you buying a truncheon,
26:55won't it, eh?
26:57Oh, by the way Mr Peterson, I'm coming back
26:58to your shop this afternoon.
26:59- Why?
27:00- 'Cos I've got this funny feeling that I am gonna be
27:02your millionth customer.
27:03What do you think?
27:05- I have exactly the same feeling.
27:08- You know it makes sense don't ya? Bonjour.
27:16♫ We've got some half price cracked ice
27:18♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
27:20♫ Tvs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs.
27:23Ball games, gold chains, what's-names, pictures frames
27:26And leather goods
27:27And Trevor Francis track suits.
27:31♫ No income tax, no VAT
27:34♫ No money back, no guarantee
27:38♫ Black or white, rich or poor
27:41♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
27:45♫ God bless Hooky Street
27:49♫ Viva Hooky Street
27:52♫ Long live Hooky Street
27:54♫ C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
27:58♫ Magnifique, Hooky Street