lovelyjubbly · episodes

Only Fools and Horses S05E04 — Tea for Three

Every line from “Tea for Three” (795 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:00(bouncy music)
• 00:03Stick a pony in me pocket
• 00:07I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
• 00:11'Cause if you want the best ones
• 00:13But you don't ask questions
• 00:15Then brother, I'm your man
• 00:19'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
• 00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
• 00:24And the tides of the sea
• 00:26But here's the one that's driving me berserk
• 00:30Why do only fools and horses work?
• 00:33La la la la la
• 00:37La la la la
• 00:40I did it my way
• 00:47- Oh, excuse me mate.
• 00:49Oi, give us some.
• 00:50Oh, cor blimey Michael, give us a tonic.
• 00:52- all right, Dave?
• 00:54- Oh, yeah, hello, Trig.
• 00:55Looks like rain, don't it?
• 00:56- Yeah, tastes like it and all.
• 00:59- Oi, I bloody heard that, Trigger.
• 01:00I'll have you know my beer has just won
• 01:02second prize in the breweries contest.
• 01:03- Yes, that's right.
• 01:05He was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board.
• 01:06(laughs)
• 01:08Do you hear that?
• 01:10He was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board!
• 01:13You see, Trig, you see, they sell water,
• 01:15you know, and Mike, he sells,
• 01:17(man mumbling)
• 01:18What is it?
• 01:18What is it, Albert?
• 01:19- Now brace yourselves, boys.
• 01:21I just had a bit of bad news.
• 01:23Your Aunt Ada's been rushed into hospital,
• 01:26in a bad way, by all accounts.
• 01:28- Oh no, that's a shame, innit?
• 01:30- What a choker.
• 01:31- Who's Aunt Ada?
• 01:32- Lord knows, I don't.
• 01:34(audience laughs)
• 01:35- She's me wife.
• 01:36- Oh, that Aunt Ada?
• 01:39But you ain't seen her for ages, have you?
• 01:40- Yeah, she said to the rest of the family
• 01:42if she saw you again she'd kill you.
• 01:44Yeah, but she was annoyed when she said that.
• 01:47You see, it's like a chapter of my life
• 01:49is coming to a close.
• 01:50- Yeah, I know.
• 01:51Just think how she feels, though, eh?
• 01:53- Yeah, well, that's it, you see, son.
• 01:55I don't know.
• 01:56I'd like to go and visit her and find out.
• 01:58- Well, why don't ya?
• 02:01- 'Cause she might not be as ill as they say.
• 02:02(audience laughs)
• 02:07- He's really in the dumps, ain't he?
• 02:08- Yeah, I know.
• 02:09What can you do, eh?
• 02:10You remember little Lisa, don't you?
• 02:11- Lisa, yeah, oh, your sister's kid?
• 02:13Yeah, I remember her.
• 02:14- I'd better see what she fancies doing.
• 02:16Listen, I'm gonna have a chat
• 02:17with Albert, jolly him up a bit.
• 02:20- Jolly him up.
• 02:21Thanks, Trig, you're a pal, yeah.
• 02:23- I remember Lisa.
• 02:25Scruffy little mare, weren't she?
• 02:26She had more candlesticks than Liberace.
• 02:28- Yeah, that's her.
• 02:30Yeah, I remember her mum, though.
• 02:32She was a fair sort.
• 02:33Pig-ugly, but a fair sort.
• 02:36I had nicknamed her Miss 999,
• 02:38you know, 'cause I only phoned her in an emergency.
• 02:41(laughs)
• 02:42Here, see if we can do a bit of business here.
• 02:45Michael?
• 02:45Mike, just a moment.
• 02:47Mike, could I?
• 02:48Michael.
• 02:49Mike, could I...
• 02:50(voice drowned out by singing)
• 02:51Oi, shut up, will you?
• 02:53I can't even hear myself think over here.
• 02:56- Del, it's a talent contest.
• 02:57- Well, she ought to be disqualified.
• 02:58- That's the favorite!
• 03:00- Oi, what's all the hollering about?
• 03:02- Well, I dunno, I just told her to shut up.
• 03:04Here, listen, Michael, now that you're over here.
• 03:06Now, listen to me.
• 03:07I've got a beautiful ultraviolet sunbed back at the flat.
• 03:09Now, they retail normally at 375.
• 03:12It's yours for 120.
• 03:14Just think of it eh, your own personal home solarium?
• 03:17- I don't want it.
• 03:19- Oh, I can see that you're in two minds,
• 03:21so I'll tell you what I'll do.
• 03:23I have here a super deluxe modern plug-in type telephone,
• 03:26and I'm gonna give it to you free with your home-solarium.
• 03:29I can't say fairer than that, because this is my last one.
• 03:32- I don't want it.
• 03:33- I'll chuck in an extension.
• 03:35- I don't want it.
• 03:37- Yes or no?
• 03:39- Do me a favor, Del, please.
• 03:41- I'm doing you a favor!
• 03:43And I nearly had him then.
• 03:44- Oh, yeah.
• 03:45I could see he was weakening.
• 03:48Is it worth stopping here for another one?
• 03:51- No, it ain't.
• 03:51Come on, Rodney, let's get going.
• 03:53That bird over there's giving me the right hump.
• 03:56Oi, shut up.
• 03:58- Del, Lisa's here.
• 04:00- Not now, Trig, we haven't got time.
• 04:01Say hello for us, will you?
• 04:02Come on, Rodders.
• 04:03Let's get going.
• 04:03- Hello, Del!
• 04:05- Hello, darling.
• 04:08Bloody hell!
• 04:09(audience laughs)
• 04:11That ain't that scruffy little mare
• 04:12with the funny drawers, is it?
• 04:14- Yeah, yeah, must be, think so, yeah.
• 04:16- Bloody hell.
• 04:19Are you off, then, are you?
• 04:20- No, no, no, I think I'll stay for another one.
• 04:24Nah, I don't fancy it.
• 04:26All that batter and that.
• 04:30- Well, out of my way, come on, get out of me way.
• 04:32- You piss off.
• 04:33- Look, there's a pound down there, look there.
• 04:35Hello, darling.
• 04:37- Hello, Del.
• 04:38Oh, it's been such a long time.
• 04:40- Yeah, it has, innit?
• 04:41Haven't you got big, eh?
• 04:42No, I mean, you know, you've grown up big.
• 04:44- Well, I'm 25 now.
• 04:45- You're not!
• 04:46Are you really?
• 04:47- Hello. Lisa, do you remember me?
• 04:48- Hello, how are you?
• 04:50- Oh, I'm fine, I'm really good.
• 04:52- Oh, that's nice.
• 04:53Who is he?
• 04:54Eh?
• 04:55Who, him?
• 04:56That's little Rodney.
• 04:57Don't you remember little Rodney?
• 04:58You used to play with him.
• 04:58- Oh, of course.
• 04:59You've changed.
• 05:00- Yes, so have you.
• 05:02- I'll say she has changed.
• 05:04Cor, you are a big girl--
• 05:05- Why don't we go and sit down
• 05:06over here, and have a little chat.
• 05:07See you later on, Del.
• 05:08No, no.
• 05:09I'll come with you.
• 05:11- Sit yourself down there.
• 05:14- Do you remember the old days?
• 05:15- Thank you, Rodney.
• 05:18- Oh, it's lovely seeing you two again.
• 05:21You know I always remember that day,
• 05:22oh, it was years and years ago,
• 05:24you drove round to me Nan's house
• 05:25in a brand-new-three-wheeled van.
• 05:28I remember him saying to Uncle Trig,
• 05:30"This time next year, it'll be a Mercedes."
• 05:31I was so impressed.
• 05:33Oh, I must be honest.
• 05:35I had a silly little crush on you, Del.
• 05:38- Well, that's 'cause he was a much older man, wasn't he?
• 05:40I mean, you was just a little kid.
• 05:43- Well, of course, Rodney is a year younger
• 05:44than you, isn't he, sweetheart?
• 05:45- Oh, about that, yeah?
• 05:47Did you ever get the Mercedes?
• 05:50- Nah, nah, I went off them.
• 05:53I got a nice little two-seater, now.
• 05:54- Two seats, three wheels.
• 05:56It's the same van, innit?
• 06:00- That's right, I let Rodney borrow it
• 06:01sometimes when he's behaves himself,
• 06:03'cause he can't afford a car of his own!
• 06:05I mean, what kid can of his age, eh?
• 06:08So you're living down in the country then, eh?
• 06:10- Just outside Winchester.
• 06:12You still livin' in the same place?
• 06:14- Uh, yeah, yeah.
• 06:15We're still there.
• 06:17Listen, you know before you go home,
• 06:19you ought to come round to the flat,
• 06:21you know, and we can have a chat about old times, you know.
• 06:23You can stay for tea.
• 06:24- You mean dinner?
• 06:25- No, no, we get dinner down at the market.
• 06:27I meant tea, you know?
• 06:28Proper tea.
• 06:29- Oh, thanks, I'd love to.
• 06:31- I was gonna invite you for tea and all.
• 06:32How about tomorrow night?
• 06:34- Fine.
• 06:35- Yes, tomorrow's fine by me, sweetheart.
• 06:38(audience laughs)
• 06:39- No, I invited Lisa for tomorrow night.
• 06:42- Yes, I know you did Rodney,
• 06:43but don't forget I did invite Lisa first.
• 06:45- Derek, you clearly heard me
• 06:46invite Lisa for tea tomorrow night.
• 06:48- But I invited her first.
• 06:50- Look, why don't we have tea together?
• 06:52Then the three of us can talk about the old times.
• 06:55- Oh, the old--
• 06:56- Oh, good.
• 06:57- Yeah, it's great.
• 07:00- Oh, isn't that your encore?
• 07:03- What's the soppy old duffer up to?
• 07:05- I'd like to sing a very special song
• 07:08for a very special lady,
• 07:10who unfortunately, ain't with me tonight.
• 07:13I'd like to think this song
• 07:16was named after my dear, sick wife.
• 07:20It's that beautiful old ballad, Ada.
• 07:25- Ada?
• 07:26- Is there a song called Ada?
• 07:28- Must be.
• 07:29He's about to sing, isn't he?
• 07:32Ada
• 07:34You're with the stars, Ada
• 07:44Oi, hurry up, will you?
• 07:46I want half an hour under there.
• 07:47- Hre, these ultraviolet rays
• 07:50contain vitamin E, don't they?
• 07:53(audience laughs)
• 07:57I read somewhere that vitamin E
• 07:58is good for a hangover.
• 08:00- Yeah, well you made a right berk of yourself
• 08:03at the talent contest, didn't you?
• 08:05Getting up on stage and singing that stupid song.
• 08:07- What are you on about, I won!
• 08:10- You won?
• 08:12Del, you know who won the talent contest?
• 08:14- Who did?
• 08:14- Roy Orbison here!
• 08:16(audience laughs)
• 08:18- Must have been a sympathy vote!
• 08:20Anyway, I've got all the grub in
• 08:22for me and Lisa's tea tonight.
• 08:24- Yes, well, I've made a contribution too.
• 08:26- Oh, have ya?
• 08:28Well, I got chicken Italiano, fruit salad,
• 08:31and Dream Topping to follow, and what've you bought?
• 08:37- Cheese.
• 08:38(audience laughs)
• 08:40- Cheese!
• 08:41Cheese?
• 08:42Well, it's a good job I bought all this grub then innit, eh?
• 08:44If it was left up to you the poor little cow'd
• 08:45have been down for Welsh rabbit.
• 08:47- Well, if you put your hand in your pocket every so
• 08:49often and give me some proper money.
• 08:50- Listen, I earn the money in this family.
• 08:51- Why don't you two pack it in?
• 08:54- God, you look like a geriatric ball boy.
• 08:57(audience laughs)
• 08:59You two were niggling each other last night
• 09:02and you've been bickering all the morning.
• 09:03I'm fed up with you.
• 09:05I'm going down to the Legion.
• 09:06- Well, just make sure that you
• 09:07put on a pair of trousers first.
• 09:09A lot of stray dogs around the estate.
• 09:12Anyway, I better make sure we've got
• 09:13enough Smash in for Lisa's tea.
• 09:15- Right, I'm gonna have a quick tone-up,
• 09:17a nice shower, and I am sorted!
• 09:21Oi, how d'you turn this thing on for half an hour?
• 09:23- On the end there.
• 09:25- Right, got it.
• 09:28Ooh, this is lovely!
• 09:30(audience laughs)
• 09:33Listen to me, Rodney.
• 09:34I told you once, you remember,
• 09:37that Grandad and I didn't speak to each other for years?
• 09:40Well, that was all over a woman!
• 09:42It was your Aunt Ada!
• 09:43- You're not gonna sing again are you?
• 09:46- I remember me and your Grandad,
• 09:47we were just like you and Del Boy.
• 09:50Yeah, we weren't just brothers, we was mates,
• 09:53went everywhere together, got up to some right capers.
• 09:56Yeah.
• 09:58Then one night we met Ada at the local palais.
• 10:02She was a beautiful woman,
• 10:04a bit like Ginger Rodgers.
• 10:06Last time I saw her, she looked more like Fred Astaire!
• 10:09(audience laughs)
• 10:11Well, we both had a couple of dances with her,
• 10:13and then we both wanted to take her home.
• 10:15We ended up fighting in the street over her.
• 10:19He never spoke to me from that day to...
• 10:23He never spoke to me ever again.
• 10:26I'm frightened history's gonna repeat itself.
• 10:28I don't wanna see that happen to you and Del.
• 10:31Now, I know that's is gonna come
• 10:33as a bit of a shock to you, Rodney.
• 10:35(snoring)
• 10:38Rodney
• 10:40Bloody kids!
• 10:43Oi, Rodney, I'm gonna whip down the shops and get another
• 10:44packet of Smash and some Brut so I want you to...
• 10:51Oh, he's gone to sleep, bless him!
• 10:56So you wanna get a nice tan for the girl then, do you?
• 10:58(audience laughs)
• 11:02I'll give you a nice tan, all right.
• 11:11- Oh, not too much.
• 11:12I got to be up early in the morning.
• 11:14Oh, that's all right, just a little topperooni, eh?
• 11:16There we go.
• 11:17Come on Rodney.
• 11:18Oi, come on, bring your cheese.
• 11:21- I really think Rodney should go to hospital with his face.
• 11:23- Yeah, I know, I've been telling him that for years!
• 11:27(audience laughs)
• 11:40How.
• 11:44- Does your face hurt?
• 11:46- Only when I smile.
• 11:47(audience laughs)
• 11:49- It's wonderful how nature compensates.
• 11:53With a face like that,
• 11:54he's got nothing to smile about, does he?
• 11:55(audience laughs)
• 11:58- Here you are, Lisa.
• 11:59We have a selection of cheeses.
• 12:02Middleton, Cheddar, that's Double Gloucester,
• 12:04that one's Cracker Barrel.
• 12:07This ain't really layfolk territory.
• 12:09- Oh, I'm sorry, Rodney.
• 12:10I really couldn't eat another thing.
• 12:12It was a lovely meal.
• 12:13Thank you both.
• 12:14- That's right.
• 12:15Listen, Rodney, I wouldn't stand about in that suit
• 12:16too long if I were you, not with your head!
• 12:18- Why not?
• 12:19- Well, he looks like a Swan Vesta!
• 12:20(laughs)
• 12:27You've only got yourself to blame.
• 12:30- I don't think the timer on that thing was 40.
• 12:32- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
• 12:34- I only wanted a 30 minute timed nap.
• 12:36Two and a half hours I was under there.
• 12:37(audience laughs)
• 12:39- Don't worry about it, Rodney,
• 12:40'cause in a couple of day's time,
• 12:41it goes all flaky and scabby,
• 12:43then it falls off and it'll be gone, see?
• 12:46- How's your mum these days Lisa?
• 12:48Oh, she's fine, thank you.
• 12:50- Good.
• 12:51- Did you know that years and years and years ago,
• 12:54Del used to take your mum out?
• 12:56- Oh, I didn't know that.
• 12:57Yeah, yeah, we were just little tiny kids, then.
• 13:01- What was it you nicknamed her, Del?
• 13:03- Um, it was the Rose of Peckham.
• 13:06- Oh, my mum?
• 13:07I can't wait to tell her.
• 13:09- Well, that's funny because he told me in the pub--
• 13:13- Um, d'you like going to the flicks?
• 13:15- Oh, the cinema, oh, yeah.
• 13:17Have you seen An Officer and a Gentleman?
• 13:18- Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 13:20- Oh, that Richard Gere, isn't he fabulous?
• 13:23- I love the stuff he wears.
• 13:25- Oh, when he's wearing his uniform,
• 13:26I'm all goosepimpley.
• 13:28Do you know, there definitely
• 13:30is something about a man in a uniform?
• 13:31- Well, of course, you take after your mum there,
• 13:33because she used to go out
• 13:35with this geezer from the Gas Board!
• 13:36(audience laughs)
• 13:38- I used to be in the army.
• 13:42Well, cadets.
• 13:44- I used to be a paratrooper!
• 13:45- Really?
• 13:46- Didn't I, Rodney?
• 13:48- Well, you've made a few drops in your time, Del.
• 13:52- I don't know how you could do it.
• 13:53I've got these friends back home
• 13:54who belong to a hang-gliding club.
• 13:56- Oh, hang-gliding?
• 13:57Oh, well, I love all that.
• 13:58- They're always asking me to try,
• 14:00but just the thought of it just terrifies me.
• 14:01- Well, there's nothing to it.
• 14:03No, I used to free-fall from 20,000 feet.
• 14:05- No.
• 14:06- Yeah, I didn't used to open my chute
• 14:08'til I saw the tops of the trees.
• 14:09- Oh, god.
• 14:11- At night.
• 14:14- You also had your feet tied together
• 14:15and a hand over one eye, didn't you?
• 14:19- One night my chute didn't open at all.
• 14:20- What happened?
• 14:21- I had a bad landing.
• 14:24But fortunately, they teach you how to
• 14:25fall properly, so it was all right.
• 14:27- You know, it's funny, but I've always imagined
• 14:28paratroopers to be, well, taller.
• 14:32- Yeah well, he used to be six foot one,
• 14:33but like he said, he had a bad landing!
• 14:35(audience laughs)
• 14:38- Thank you.
• 14:39Thank you very much, Rodney, for your observations.
• 14:41Get out in the kitchen and put the kettle on, will you?
• 14:43- Oh, no, no, I've got to be going.
• 14:44- No, no, no, no, listen.
• 14:46Well, I'll walk you home, eh?
• 14:48- No, no, no, no, Rodney, you can't do that.
• 14:49You can't stand around street corners with your face,
• 14:52the traffic'll be waiting for you to change to green!
• 14:54(audience laughs)
• 14:56Listen, no, no, I'll give you a lift home.
• 14:58- Oh, that's nice of you, Del.
• 15:00(speaks foreign language)
• 15:02- As the French would say.
• 15:03What else could I do for a charming lady?
• 15:05- Why thank you, kind sir!
• 15:06- Not at all.
• 15:07I'll just go and get the keys, shall I?
• 15:12I'm going, I'm going.
• 15:15- Well, it's been really nice
• 15:17seeing you again after all this time.
• 15:18- Oh, I've enjoyed it so much.
• 15:20You know, shopping and meeting old friends.
• 15:21- Yeah, what time you off tomorrow?
• 15:23- Oh, I'll get the 10 o'clock train from Waterloo.
• 15:25I've got to be back by 12.
• 15:27I'm meeting those friends I was telling you about.
• 15:29What, the hang-gliders?
• 15:30- I'll just get me jacket.
• 15:31- Yeah.
• 15:36Um, why don't me and Del drive you home tomorrow?
• 15:39- I couldn't ask you to do that!
• 15:40- Oh, no, no, we'd like it.
• 15:42We'd have a nice day in the country!
• 15:44Del would jump at the chance.
• 15:47And I was thinking, it's Del's 46th birthday soon
• 15:51and I'd love to give him a real surprise.
• 15:54- D'you know what his ambition is?
• 15:56- What?
• 15:57- To hang-glide!
• 16:00Well, you know, being the old ex-paratrooper,
• 16:03it's only natural, innit?
• 16:05So, d'you reckon your mates could arrange
• 16:07for him to have a little flight?
• 16:09- No problem, they'd be delighted.
• 16:11- Oh, that'll be great!
• 16:15Oh, I can't wait to see his little face.
• 16:17It'll be our little secret though, eh?
• 16:18- Sure.
• 16:19Oh, me bag.
• 16:20- Yeah.
• 16:22Yes, I can't wait to see his little face.
• 16:27- What?
• 16:30You want me to go up in one of them wing things?
• 16:34No, no, no, it's all right.
• 16:35Not today, darling,
• 16:37No, you see, I'm not in the mood.
• 16:38- You can't wait to get up there, can you?
• 16:40I can see it in your eyes.
• 16:41- Really?
• 16:43Andy, come over here and meet some friends of mine.
• 16:49I'd like you to meet Del and Rodney.
• 16:51- Oh, nice to meet you.
• 16:52- Wotcher, son.
• 16:53- Hello.
• 16:54- Hi.
• 16:55- Are you okay?
• 16:57- I'm fine.
• 16:58- Sorry, it's just that you look sort of flushed.
• 17:02- No, no, it's all right.
• 17:04It's just that his great-grandad was a Comanche.
• 17:08- Well, Lisa tells me you used to be a paratrooper.
• 17:12- Yeah, well, it's many, many years ago now,
• 17:16like, you know what I mean?
• 17:17- Well, I've done a bit of free-falling myself.
• 17:19Nothing in your caliber, of course, but it was great fun.
• 17:21- Yes, terrific!
• 17:25- Well, whenever you're ready, Del.
• 17:27- No, no, no, it's all right,
• 17:29I don't wanna spoil your fun, Andy.
• 17:31I'll stay here and just watch, eh?
• 17:33- Listen to me, Derek Trotter.
• 17:35I've arranged all this specially for you!
• 17:38It's my way of saying thank you
• 17:39for the lovely meal last night.
• 17:41I wish you could have seen it, Andy.
• 17:43- Hang around and you might!
• 17:45(audience laughs)
• 17:47- Andy doesn't mind you borrowing his equipment, do you?
• 17:48- Oh, no, no, it's a pleasure.
• 17:50And we've got some great thermals today.
• 17:51- Thermals?
• 17:53Oh, what a shame, I'm just wearing me ordinary Y-fronts.
• 17:56- No, no, thermals, you know, warm air.
• 18:00- He's just having you on!
• 18:02- Oh, I see!
• 18:05We'll get everything ready, then.
• 18:06- Yeah, okay.
• 18:11What am I gonna do?
• 18:13- I don't know!
• 18:15Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
• 18:18What a pickle!
• 18:20I mean, really, it's a bit of a shame
• 18:21you ever said you was a paratrooper.
• 18:23- I wish I'd kept my bloody mouth shut.
• 18:26What's that Andy want to go sticking
• 18:27his hooter into my affairs for, eh, eh?
• 18:29- Well, he thinks he's doing you a favor, don't he?
• 18:32- I'm gonna land him a doughboy right round
• 18:33the lug hole before he's much older!
• 18:39What am I gonna do Rodney, eh?
• 18:40I can't tell 'em I'm scared, can I, eh, eh?
• 18:43- No, no, you'd make yourself look
• 18:45a right dipstick in front of everyone.
• 18:50You don't fancy having a little fly then?
• 18:52- No, I do not.
• 18:54I prefer to keep my feet firmly on the old terra-cotta!
• 18:57I know what to do.
• 18:58I'll tell 'em I'm not feeling very well!
• 19:01- Eh, you can't do that!
• 19:03A Green Beret with an headache!
• 19:06This is one little problem you're
• 19:07gonna have to work out on your own, Del, innit?
• 19:13- See, Rodney, now listen to me.
• 19:15I know we haven't been seeing eye to eye
• 19:16for the last few days, but listen to me,
• 19:18we are brothers after all, ain't we?
• 19:19I mean, it's blood, innit?
• 19:21It's like Uncle Albert said,
• 19:22brothers shouldn't fall out over a woman.
• 19:24Didn't he, eh?
• 19:25Come on.
• 19:26What d'you reckon?
• 19:27Come on, Rodney, eh?
• 19:28- You're right, Del.
• 19:29No, you're right.
• 19:30I mean it's stupid arguing, innit?
• 19:33- Yeah, come on, eh?
• 19:35(laughs)
• 19:37You know it makes sense, don't you, eh?
• 19:40Come on, help me out of this mess Rodney, please.
• 19:42Come on, any ideas?
• 19:43Anything, eh?
• 19:44- All right, all right.
• 19:46We'll just have a look at the problems, right.
• 19:47On the one hand right, you don't want to fly!
• 19:50- No.
• 19:51- No, no, that's all right.
• 19:52But on the other hand, you want to keep your pride intact?
• 19:54- Of course I do.
• 19:56- Right, right, I've got it.
• 19:59Right, you pretend to be dead keen
• 20:02to get up in them old clouds, right!
• 20:04You put on all the gear, put yourself in the glider thing,
• 20:08then, at the last minute, I come over from the van,
• 20:11rushing up, right, and say we've had
• 20:13an urgent call come through on our car-phone.
• 20:21- That's brill, innit, eh?
• 20:22- But we ain't got a car phone, have we, Dopey?
• 20:24We ain't even got a ruddy car, look.
• 20:30- Who's gonna know any different?
• 20:32Eh?
• 20:34And then I say you've gotta rush back to London immediately,
• 20:38right, and you act all disappointed,
• 20:39you go, "Oh no, but what can you do?"
• 20:44Then we're in the van and we're away!
• 20:46Oh yeah, good boy.
• 20:47Well done, Rodders, well done.
• 20:50Listen, now, wait a minute.
• 20:52You are gonna stay here, though, aren't you?
• 20:52- I'll be right here, mate.
• 20:53- Good boy, good boy.
• 20:57Hey, Andy, come on then, hurry up,
• 21:00I'm getting a bit impatient to be off, ain't I?
• 21:03He don't know does he?
• 21:04(audience laughs)
• 21:12- Everything all right?
• 21:13- Oh, yeah.
• 21:14Beautiful, darling, beautiful.
• 21:15- Now, you remember everything
• 21:17I told you about controlling the glider?
• 21:18- Yeah, don't worry, Andy.
• 21:19It's all up there.
• 21:20Down there for dancing.
• 21:25(audience laughs)
• 21:28What d'you reckon, all the thermals
• 21:29and all that all right up there, Andy?
• 21:31- No, no, it's one of the best days of the year.
• 21:33- Yeah, that's exactly what I thought.
• 21:34- Well, whenever you're ready, Del.
• 21:36All right, cushty, cushty.
• 21:42- You're switched on.
• 21:43- Yeah, it's all working, yeah.
• 21:47(audience laughs)
• 21:54Is that our phone I can hear ringing, Rodney?
• 21:58- Eh?
• 22:02(audience laughs)
• 22:05- I said, is that our phone I can hear ringing?
• 22:10- No.
• 22:13- Are you sure?
• 22:15- Yeah.
• 22:19We ain't got a carphone!
• 22:20(audience laughs)
• 22:30Get up as high as you can, Del, eh?
• 22:34You might get a tan.
• 22:37- I will get you for this, Rodney, just see if I don't.
• 22:45- Are you going, Del?
• 22:47- Yeah, yeah, I'm going.
• 22:52Oh, my god.
• 22:53Oh, bloody hell.
• 22:54Oh, god, oh, god.
• 22:55(screaming)
• 23:04- Oh.
• 23:07- Oh, they do this for fun?
• 23:09Oh, god, please let me get back down safely.
• 23:15Please God, let me get down from here.
• 23:17(screaming)
• 23:19- What's he doing?
• 23:21- Well, where's he going?
• 23:23I told him to stay close to the ridge.
• 23:24- Why, what's over there?
• 23:26- He's heading out to sea.
• 23:28(audience laughs)
• 23:32- Get that down, you.
• 23:36He's been missing for 12 hours.
• 23:4112 hours, that's nearly half a day.
• 23:43- I know, I've got a GCE in Maths, haven't I?
• 23:45(audience laughs)
• 23:47(doorbell rings)
• 23:51- Shall I answer it, son?
• 23:53- Yes, please.
• 24:01- Robert.
• 24:02- Hello, Trig.
• 24:02- Wotcher, Dave.
• 24:04- Hello, Trig.
• 24:05- You all right?
• 24:07- Yeah, I'm fine, this is nothing!
• 24:10Have they found him?
• 24:11- Yeah, they found him, Dave!
• 24:14- Um, where?
• 24:17- He crashed into a television transmitter in Redhill.
• 24:22They rushed him to the local hospital.
• 24:24X-rays and that.
• 24:26They tried to phone his next of kin,
• 24:29but they couldn't get through, so they phoned the pub.
• 24:32Me and Mike got a cab out there.
• 24:34- We'll see you for the fare son.
• 24:36- Nah, that's all right.
• 24:37We got a Green Line back.
• 24:40But what happened?
• 24:42Has he broken anything?
• 24:44- Well, they reckon the aerial's beyond repair.
• 24:47(audience laughs)
• 24:50- I mean Del, how's Del?
• 24:53- You'd better ask him yourself Dave.
• 25:01- See you got home safely then, Rodney?
• 25:04(audience laughs)
• 25:07- Yeah.
• 25:08Are you all right, Del?
• 25:10- Is he winding me up or what?
• 25:13- No, no, he's just a bit concerned.
• 25:16That's all, Del.
• 25:18Here, are you all right?
• 25:20I'm fine!
• 25:22- So what did the hospital say, son?
• 25:24- They said...
• 25:26They said I may never walk again.
• 25:30Rodney, Rodney, my brother,
• 25:33I know that in your heart of hearts
• 25:35you never meant to disable me,
• 25:37and I just want you to know I won't hold it against you.
• 25:42- All right.
• 25:43(audience laughs)
• 25:52- All right, what I meant was,
• 25:54I'm sorry I let you lay under our home-solarium
• 25:57all that time and made you go a bit red.
• 26:01I suppose, all right, this is my punishment, innit?
• 26:05Spend the rest of my life in this wheelchair!
• 26:09- Still, it could have been worse, Del!
• 26:12- How?
• 26:14- My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
• 26:16(audience laughs)
• 26:21- This is all a bit sick, innit?
• 26:23I mean, you might fool these three, but not me, bruv!
• 26:26- What do you mean, Rodney?
• 26:27- Oh, come off it, Del.
• 26:29Two pina coladas, then you'll put on your Eric Clapton LP
• 26:32and you'll be up jiving, won't ya?
• 26:34- I don't believe this!
• 26:35I don't believe what he's doing to me!
• 26:36He's torn my world in half and now he's having a pop at me!
• 26:39- You're right out of order, son!
• 26:40- Oh, listen to me.
• 26:42Hospitals do not send home paralyzed people by bus!
• 26:49What is it you are after, Del, eh?
• 26:51Sympathy from Lisa or a disabled sticker for the van, eh?
• 26:55(audience laughs)
• 26:58- You listen to me, you vicious little git!
• 27:00I may never walk again for the rest of...
• 27:08Although I must admit, I'm getting some feeling back.
• 27:12- You should never tell them sort of lies, Del!
• 27:14- You made us go all the way out to Redhill
• 27:16and there was nothing wrong with you?
• 27:17- Don't blame me, it was him.
• 27:18I just wanted to get my own back on this plonker.
• 27:20- Yeah, but when you fancied a smoke on the bus,
• 27:22you made me carry you up to the top deck.
• 27:27Don't blame me!
• 27:28Don't blame me, Trig!
• 27:29Just blame him!
• 27:30Rodney, I was up there three hours!
• 27:32Three bloody hours!
• 27:34I did the loop-the-loop over Dimchurch.
• 27:38Little kids were shouting at me,
• 27:39"There goes a spaceman, a spaceman."
• 27:44Finally, just when I'd given up hope
• 27:46I clattered into an aerial thing
• 27:48and fell 50 foot to the ground.
• 27:50It was only by the grace of God
• 27:51that I landed on something soft.
• 27:53- Yeah, I noticed the bruising around your head.
• 27:56- It was not my head!
• 27:57I landed on a very unfortunate
• 28:00and very unsuspecting courting couple.
• 28:04- You're kidding?
• 28:05- No, I wish I was.
• 28:07Due to your vicious mind and general wallyness,
• 28:11they have had to put their wedding back six months.
• 28:15I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra,
• 28:19and that's regardless of what Radio Rentals
• 28:21are gonna do me for for the aerial!
• 28:25- Would it help if I said I'm sorry?
• 28:27- No, it would not!
• 28:29- Talking of weddings, that reminds me.
• 28:32Lisa has invited you to hers.
• 28:34- Well, that's all I need innit, eh?
• 28:35That's another trip down to bleedin' Hampshire...
• 28:40- Lisa's getting married?
• 28:41- Yeah, in a couple of months, that's what she came up for,
• 28:45to buy herself a wedding dress in Oxford Street.
• 28:48- This is all a bit sudden, innit?
• 28:50- No, she's been engaged for over a year.
• 28:52Some geezer called Andy.
• 28:54- Oh, well, there's a bit of good news, Trig!
• 28:56Here, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll open up
• 28:57the pub and we can have a little celebration drink.
• 28:59= Yeah, nice one, Mike.
• 29:00You coming, Albert?
• 29:01Yeah I'll be there, son.
• 29:02- I suppose you two will be joining us?
• 29:13- So she was engaged all the time!
• 29:16(laughs)
• 29:19What a couple of wallies!
• 29:24(audience claps)
• 29:27We've got some half-packed cracked ice
• 29:29And miles and miles of carpet tiles
• 29:31TVs, Deep Freeze, and David Bowie LPs
• 29:34Ball games, gold chains, what's-names, picture frames
• 29:37And leather goods and Trevor Francis track suits
• 29:39From a mush in Shepherds Bush
• 29:43No income tax, no VAT
• 29:46No money back, no guarantee
• 29:49Black or white, rich or poor
• 29:52We'll cut prices at a stroke
• 29:57God bless Hooky Street
• 30:00Viva Hooky Street
• 30:03Long Live Hooky Street
• 30:05C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
• 30:09Magnifique, Hooky Street