Only Fools and Horses S05E04 — Tea for Three

Every line from “Tea for Three” (795 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00(bouncy music)
00:03Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11'Cause if you want the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:19'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:30Why do only fools and horses work?
00:33La la la la la
00:37La la la la
00:40I did it my way
00:47- Oh, excuse me mate.
00:49Oi, give us some.
00:50Oh, cor blimey Michael, give us a tonic.
00:52- all right, Dave?
00:54- Oh, yeah, hello, Trig.
00:55Looks like rain, don't it?
00:56- Yeah, tastes like it and all.
00:59- Oi, I bloody heard that, Trigger.
01:00I'll have you know my beer has just won
01:02second prize in the breweries contest.
01:03- Yes, that's right.
01:05He was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board.
01:06(laughs)
01:08Do you hear that?
01:10He was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board!
01:13You see, Trig, you see, they sell water,
01:15you know, and Mike, he sells,
01:17(man mumbling)
01:18What is it?
01:18What is it, Albert?
01:19- Now brace yourselves, boys.
01:21I just had a bit of bad news.
01:23Your Aunt Ada's been rushed into hospital,
01:26in a bad way, by all accounts.
01:28- Oh no, that's a shame, innit?
01:30- What a choker.
01:31- Who's Aunt Ada?
01:32- Lord knows, I don't.
01:34(audience laughs)
01:35- She's me wife.
01:36- Oh, that Aunt Ada?
01:39But you ain't seen her for ages, have you?
01:40- Yeah, she said to the rest of the family
01:42if she saw you again she'd kill you.
01:44Yeah, but she was annoyed when she said that.
01:47You see, it's like a chapter of my life
01:49is coming to a close.
01:50- Yeah, I know.
01:51Just think how she feels, though, eh?
01:53- Yeah, well, that's it, you see, son.
01:55I don't know.
01:56I'd like to go and visit her and find out.
01:58- Well, why don't ya?
02:01- 'Cause she might not be as ill as they say.
02:02(audience laughs)
02:07- He's really in the dumps, ain't he?
02:08- Yeah, I know.
02:09What can you do, eh?
02:10You remember little Lisa, don't you?
02:11- Lisa, yeah, oh, your sister's kid?
02:13Yeah, I remember her.
02:14- I'd better see what she fancies doing.
02:16Listen, I'm gonna have a chat
02:17with Albert, jolly him up a bit.
02:20- Jolly him up.
02:21Thanks, Trig, you're a pal, yeah.
02:23- I remember Lisa.
02:25Scruffy little mare, weren't she?
02:26She had more candlesticks than Liberace.
02:28- Yeah, that's her.
02:30Yeah, I remember her mum, though.
02:32She was a fair sort.
02:33Pig-ugly, but a fair sort.
02:36I had nicknamed her Miss 999,
02:38you know, 'cause I only phoned her in an emergency.
02:41(laughs)
02:42Here, see if we can do a bit of business here.
02:45Michael?
02:45Mike, just a moment.
02:47Mike, could I?
02:48Michael.
02:49Mike, could I...
02:50(voice drowned out by singing)
02:51Oi, shut up, will you?
02:53I can't even hear myself think over here.
02:56- Del, it's a talent contest.
02:57- Well, she ought to be disqualified.
02:58- That's the favorite!
03:00- Oi, what's all the hollering about?
03:02- Well, I dunno, I just told her to shut up.
03:04Here, listen, Michael, now that you're over here.
03:06Now, listen to me.
03:07I've got a beautiful ultraviolet sunbed back at the flat.
03:09Now, they retail normally at 375.
03:12It's yours for 120.
03:14Just think of it eh, your own personal home solarium?
03:17- I don't want it.
03:19- Oh, I can see that you're in two minds,
03:21so I'll tell you what I'll do.
03:23I have here a super deluxe modern plug-in type telephone,
03:26and I'm gonna give it to you free with your home-solarium.
03:29I can't say fairer than that, because this is my last one.
03:32- I don't want it.
03:33- I'll chuck in an extension.
03:35- I don't want it.
03:37- Yes or no?
03:39- Do me a favor, Del, please.
03:41- I'm doing you a favor!
03:43And I nearly had him then.
03:44- Oh, yeah.
03:45I could see he was weakening.
03:48Is it worth stopping here for another one?
03:51- No, it ain't.
03:51Come on, Rodney, let's get going.
03:53That bird over there's giving me the right hump.
03:56Oi, shut up.
03:58- Del, Lisa's here.
04:00- Not now, Trig, we haven't got time.
04:01Say hello for us, will you?
04:02Come on, Rodders.
04:03Let's get going.
04:03- Hello, Del!
04:05- Hello, darling.
04:08Bloody hell!
04:09(audience laughs)
04:11That ain't that scruffy little mare
04:12with the funny drawers, is it?
04:14- Yeah, yeah, must be, think so, yeah.
04:16- Bloody hell.
04:19Are you off, then, are you?
04:20- No, no, no, I think I'll stay for another one.
04:24Nah, I don't fancy it.
04:26All that batter and that.
04:30- Well, out of my way, come on, get out of me way.
04:32- You piss off.
04:33- Look, there's a pound down there, look there.
04:35Hello, darling.
04:37- Hello, Del.
04:38Oh, it's been such a long time.
04:40- Yeah, it has, innit?
04:41Haven't you got big, eh?
04:42No, I mean, you know, you've grown up big.
04:44- Well, I'm 25 now.
04:45- You're not!
04:46Are you really?
04:47- Hello. Lisa, do you remember me?
04:48- Hello, how are you?
04:50- Oh, I'm fine, I'm really good.
04:52- Oh, that's nice.
04:53Who is he?
04:54Eh?
04:55Who, him?
04:56That's little Rodney.
04:57Don't you remember little Rodney?
04:58You used to play with him.
04:58- Oh, of course.
04:59You've changed.
05:00- Yes, so have you.
05:02- I'll say she has changed.
05:04Cor, you are a big girl--
05:05- Why don't we go and sit down
05:06over here, and have a little chat.
05:07See you later on, Del.
05:08No, no.
05:09I'll come with you.
05:11- Sit yourself down there.
05:14- Do you remember the old days?
05:15- Thank you, Rodney.
05:18- Oh, it's lovely seeing you two again.
05:21You know I always remember that day,
05:22oh, it was years and years ago,
05:24you drove round to me Nan's house
05:25in a brand-new-three-wheeled van.
05:28I remember him saying to Uncle Trig,
05:30"This time next year, it'll be a Mercedes."
05:31I was so impressed.
05:33Oh, I must be honest.
05:35I had a silly little crush on you, Del.
05:38- Well, that's 'cause he was a much older man, wasn't he?
05:40I mean, you was just a little kid.
05:43- Well, of course, Rodney is a year younger
05:44than you, isn't he, sweetheart?
05:45- Oh, about that, yeah?
05:47Did you ever get the Mercedes?
05:50- Nah, nah, I went off them.
05:53I got a nice little two-seater, now.
05:54- Two seats, three wheels.
05:56It's the same van, innit?
06:00- That's right, I let Rodney borrow it
06:01sometimes when he's behaves himself,
06:03'cause he can't afford a car of his own!
06:05I mean, what kid can of his age, eh?
06:08So you're living down in the country then, eh?
06:10- Just outside Winchester.
06:12You still livin' in the same place?
06:14- Uh, yeah, yeah.
06:15We're still there.
06:17Listen, you know before you go home,
06:19you ought to come round to the flat,
06:21you know, and we can have a chat about old times, you know.
06:23You can stay for tea.
06:24- You mean dinner?
06:25- No, no, we get dinner down at the market.
06:27I meant tea, you know?
06:28Proper tea.
06:29- Oh, thanks, I'd love to.
06:31- I was gonna invite you for tea and all.
06:32How about tomorrow night?
06:34- Fine.
06:35- Yes, tomorrow's fine by me, sweetheart.
06:38(audience laughs)
06:39- No, I invited Lisa for tomorrow night.
06:42- Yes, I know you did Rodney,
06:43but don't forget I did invite Lisa first.
06:45- Derek, you clearly heard me
06:46invite Lisa for tea tomorrow night.
06:48- But I invited her first.
06:50- Look, why don't we have tea together?
06:52Then the three of us can talk about the old times.
06:55- Oh, the old--
06:56- Oh, good.
06:57- Yeah, it's great.
07:00- Oh, isn't that your encore?
07:03- What's the soppy old duffer up to?
07:05- I'd like to sing a very special song
07:08for a very special lady,
07:10who unfortunately, ain't with me tonight.
07:13I'd like to think this song
07:16was named after my dear, sick wife.
07:20It's that beautiful old ballad, Ada.
07:25- Ada?
07:26- Is there a song called Ada?
07:28- Must be.
07:29He's about to sing, isn't he?
07:32Ada
07:34You're with the stars, Ada
07:44Oi, hurry up, will you?
07:46I want half an hour under there.
07:47- Hre, these ultraviolet rays
07:50contain vitamin E, don't they?
07:53(audience laughs)
07:57I read somewhere that vitamin E
07:58is good for a hangover.
08:00- Yeah, well you made a right berk of yourself
08:03at the talent contest, didn't you?
08:05Getting up on stage and singing that stupid song.
08:07- What are you on about, I won!
08:10- You won?
08:12Del, you know who won the talent contest?
08:14- Who did?
08:14- Roy Orbison here!
08:16(audience laughs)
08:18- Must have been a sympathy vote!
08:20Anyway, I've got all the grub in
08:22for me and Lisa's tea tonight.
08:24- Yes, well, I've made a contribution too.
08:26- Oh, have ya?
08:28Well, I got chicken Italiano, fruit salad,
08:31and Dream Topping to follow, and what've you bought?
08:37- Cheese.
08:38(audience laughs)
08:40- Cheese!
08:41Cheese?
08:42Well, it's a good job I bought all this grub then innit, eh?
08:44If it was left up to you the poor little cow'd
08:45have been down for Welsh rabbit.
08:47- Well, if you put your hand in your pocket every so
08:49often and give me some proper money.
08:50- Listen, I earn the money in this family.
08:51- Why don't you two pack it in?
08:54- God, you look like a geriatric ball boy.
08:57(audience laughs)
08:59You two were niggling each other last night
09:02and you've been bickering all the morning.
09:03I'm fed up with you.
09:05I'm going down to the Legion.
09:06- Well, just make sure that you
09:07put on a pair of trousers first.
09:09A lot of stray dogs around the estate.
09:12Anyway, I better make sure we've got
09:13enough Smash in for Lisa's tea.
09:15- Right, I'm gonna have a quick tone-up,
09:17a nice shower, and I am sorted!
09:21Oi, how d'you turn this thing on for half an hour?
09:23- On the end there.
09:25- Right, got it.
09:28Ooh, this is lovely!
09:30(audience laughs)
09:33Listen to me, Rodney.
09:34I told you once, you remember,
09:37that Grandad and I didn't speak to each other for years?
09:40Well, that was all over a woman!
09:42It was your Aunt Ada!
09:43- You're not gonna sing again are you?
09:46- I remember me and your Grandad,
09:47we were just like you and Del Boy.
09:50Yeah, we weren't just brothers, we was mates,
09:53went everywhere together, got up to some right capers.
09:56Yeah.
09:58Then one night we met Ada at the local palais.
10:02She was a beautiful woman,
10:04a bit like Ginger Rodgers.
10:06Last time I saw her, she looked more like Fred Astaire!
10:09(audience laughs)
10:11Well, we both had a couple of dances with her,
10:13and then we both wanted to take her home.
10:15We ended up fighting in the street over her.
10:19He never spoke to me from that day to...
10:23He never spoke to me ever again.
10:26I'm frightened history's gonna repeat itself.
10:28I don't wanna see that happen to you and Del.
10:31Now, I know that's is gonna come
10:33as a bit of a shock to you, Rodney.
10:35(snoring)
10:38Rodney
10:40Bloody kids!
10:43Oi, Rodney, I'm gonna whip down the shops and get another
10:44packet of Smash and some Brut so I want you to...
10:51Oh, he's gone to sleep, bless him!
10:56So you wanna get a nice tan for the girl then, do you?
10:58(audience laughs)
11:02I'll give you a nice tan, all right.
11:11- Oh, not too much.
11:12I got to be up early in the morning.
11:14Oh, that's all right, just a little topperooni, eh?
11:16There we go.
11:17Come on Rodney.
11:18Oi, come on, bring your cheese.
11:21- I really think Rodney should go to hospital with his face.
11:23- Yeah, I know, I've been telling him that for years!
11:27(audience laughs)
11:40How.
11:44- Does your face hurt?
11:46- Only when I smile.
11:47(audience laughs)
11:49- It's wonderful how nature compensates.
11:53With a face like that,
11:54he's got nothing to smile about, does he?
11:55(audience laughs)
11:58- Here you are, Lisa.
11:59We have a selection of cheeses.
12:02Middleton, Cheddar, that's Double Gloucester,
12:04that one's Cracker Barrel.
12:07This ain't really layfolk territory.
12:09- Oh, I'm sorry, Rodney.
12:10I really couldn't eat another thing.
12:12It was a lovely meal.
12:13Thank you both.
12:14- That's right.
12:15Listen, Rodney, I wouldn't stand about in that suit
12:16too long if I were you, not with your head!
12:18- Why not?
12:19- Well, he looks like a Swan Vesta!
12:20(laughs)
12:27You've only got yourself to blame.
12:30- I don't think the timer on that thing was 40.
12:32- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
12:34- I only wanted a 30 minute timed nap.
12:36Two and a half hours I was under there.
12:37(audience laughs)
12:39- Don't worry about it, Rodney,
12:40'cause in a couple of day's time,
12:41it goes all flaky and scabby,
12:43then it falls off and it'll be gone, see?
12:46- How's your mum these days Lisa?
12:48Oh, she's fine, thank you.
12:50- Good.
12:51- Did you know that years and years and years ago,
12:54Del used to take your mum out?
12:56- Oh, I didn't know that.
12:57Yeah, yeah, we were just little tiny kids, then.
13:01- What was it you nicknamed her, Del?
13:03- Um, it was the Rose of Peckham.
13:06- Oh, my mum?
13:07I can't wait to tell her.
13:09- Well, that's funny because he told me in the pub--
13:13- Um, d'you like going to the flicks?
13:15- Oh, the cinema, oh, yeah.
13:17Have you seen An Officer and a Gentleman?
13:18- Oh, yeah, yeah.
13:20- Oh, that Richard Gere, isn't he fabulous?
13:23- I love the stuff he wears.
13:25- Oh, when he's wearing his uniform,
13:26I'm all goosepimpley.
13:28Do you know, there definitely
13:30is something about a man in a uniform?
13:31- Well, of course, you take after your mum there,
13:33because she used to go out
13:35with this geezer from the Gas Board!
13:36(audience laughs)
13:38- I used to be in the army.
13:42Well, cadets.
13:44- I used to be a paratrooper!
13:45- Really?
13:46- Didn't I, Rodney?
13:48- Well, you've made a few drops in your time, Del.
13:52- I don't know how you could do it.
13:53I've got these friends back home
13:54who belong to a hang-gliding club.
13:56- Oh, hang-gliding?
13:57Oh, well, I love all that.
13:58- They're always asking me to try,
14:00but just the thought of it just terrifies me.
14:01- Well, there's nothing to it.
14:03No, I used to free-fall from 20,000 feet.
14:05- No.
14:06- Yeah, I didn't used to open my chute
14:08'til I saw the tops of the trees.
14:09- Oh, god.
14:11- At night.
14:14- You also had your feet tied together
14:15and a hand over one eye, didn't you?
14:19- One night my chute didn't open at all.
14:20- What happened?
14:21- I had a bad landing.
14:24But fortunately, they teach you how to
14:25fall properly, so it was all right.
14:27- You know, it's funny, but I've always imagined
14:28paratroopers to be, well, taller.
14:32- Yeah well, he used to be six foot one,
14:33but like he said, he had a bad landing!
14:35(audience laughs)
14:38- Thank you.
14:39Thank you very much, Rodney, for your observations.
14:41Get out in the kitchen and put the kettle on, will you?
14:43- Oh, no, no, I've got to be going.
14:44- No, no, no, no, listen.
14:46Well, I'll walk you home, eh?
14:48- No, no, no, no, Rodney, you can't do that.
14:49You can't stand around street corners with your face,
14:52the traffic'll be waiting for you to change to green!
14:54(audience laughs)
14:56Listen, no, no, I'll give you a lift home.
14:58- Oh, that's nice of you, Del.
15:00(speaks foreign language)
15:02- As the French would say.
15:03What else could I do for a charming lady?
15:05- Why thank you, kind sir!
15:06- Not at all.
15:07I'll just go and get the keys, shall I?
15:12I'm going, I'm going.
15:15- Well, it's been really nice
15:17seeing you again after all this time.
15:18- Oh, I've enjoyed it so much.
15:20You know, shopping and meeting old friends.
15:21- Yeah, what time you off tomorrow?
15:23- Oh, I'll get the 10 o'clock train from Waterloo.
15:25I've got to be back by 12.
15:27I'm meeting those friends I was telling you about.
15:29What, the hang-gliders?
15:30- I'll just get me jacket.
15:31- Yeah.
15:36Um, why don't me and Del drive you home tomorrow?
15:39- I couldn't ask you to do that!
15:40- Oh, no, no, we'd like it.
15:42We'd have a nice day in the country!
15:44Del would jump at the chance.
15:47And I was thinking, it's Del's 46th birthday soon
15:51and I'd love to give him a real surprise.
15:54- D'you know what his ambition is?
15:56- What?
15:57- To hang-glide!
16:00Well, you know, being the old ex-paratrooper,
16:03it's only natural, innit?
16:05So, d'you reckon your mates could arrange
16:07for him to have a little flight?
16:09- No problem, they'd be delighted.
16:11- Oh, that'll be great!
16:15Oh, I can't wait to see his little face.
16:17It'll be our little secret though, eh?
16:18- Sure.
16:19Oh, me bag.
16:20- Yeah.
16:22Yes, I can't wait to see his little face.
16:27- What?
16:30You want me to go up in one of them wing things?
16:34No, no, no, it's all right.
16:35Not today, darling,
16:37No, you see, I'm not in the mood.
16:38- You can't wait to get up there, can you?
16:40I can see it in your eyes.
16:41- Really?
16:43Andy, come over here and meet some friends of mine.
16:49I'd like you to meet Del and Rodney.
16:51- Oh, nice to meet you.
16:52- Wotcher, son.
16:53- Hello.
16:54- Hi.
16:55- Are you okay?
16:57- I'm fine.
16:58- Sorry, it's just that you look sort of flushed.
17:02- No, no, it's all right.
17:04It's just that his great-grandad was a Comanche.
17:08- Well, Lisa tells me you used to be a paratrooper.
17:12- Yeah, well, it's many, many years ago now,
17:16like, you know what I mean?
17:17- Well, I've done a bit of free-falling myself.
17:19Nothing in your caliber, of course, but it was great fun.
17:21- Yes, terrific!
17:25- Well, whenever you're ready, Del.
17:27- No, no, no, it's all right,
17:29I don't wanna spoil your fun, Andy.
17:31I'll stay here and just watch, eh?
17:33- Listen to me, Derek Trotter.
17:35I've arranged all this specially for you!
17:38It's my way of saying thank you
17:39for the lovely meal last night.
17:41I wish you could have seen it, Andy.
17:43- Hang around and you might!
17:45(audience laughs)
17:47- Andy doesn't mind you borrowing his equipment, do you?
17:48- Oh, no, no, it's a pleasure.
17:50And we've got some great thermals today.
17:51- Thermals?
17:53Oh, what a shame, I'm just wearing me ordinary Y-fronts.
17:56- No, no, thermals, you know, warm air.
18:00- He's just having you on!
18:02- Oh, I see!
18:05We'll get everything ready, then.
18:06- Yeah, okay.
18:11What am I gonna do?
18:13- I don't know!
18:15Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:18What a pickle!
18:20I mean, really, it's a bit of a shame
18:21you ever said you was a paratrooper.
18:23- I wish I'd kept my bloody mouth shut.
18:26What's that Andy want to go sticking
18:27his hooter into my affairs for, eh, eh?
18:29- Well, he thinks he's doing you a favor, don't he?
18:32- I'm gonna land him a doughboy right round
18:33the lug hole before he's much older!
18:39What am I gonna do Rodney, eh?
18:40I can't tell 'em I'm scared, can I, eh, eh?
18:43- No, no, you'd make yourself look
18:45a right dipstick in front of everyone.
18:50You don't fancy having a little fly then?
18:52- No, I do not.
18:54I prefer to keep my feet firmly on the old terra-cotta!
18:57I know what to do.
18:58I'll tell 'em I'm not feeling very well!
19:01- Eh, you can't do that!
19:03A Green Beret with an headache!
19:06This is one little problem you're
19:07gonna have to work out on your own, Del, innit?
19:13- See, Rodney, now listen to me.
19:15I know we haven't been seeing eye to eye
19:16for the last few days, but listen to me,
19:18we are brothers after all, ain't we?
19:19I mean, it's blood, innit?
19:21It's like Uncle Albert said,
19:22brothers shouldn't fall out over a woman.
19:24Didn't he, eh?
19:25Come on.
19:26What d'you reckon?
19:27Come on, Rodney, eh?
19:28- You're right, Del.
19:29No, you're right.
19:30I mean it's stupid arguing, innit?
19:33- Yeah, come on, eh?
19:35(laughs)
19:37You know it makes sense, don't you, eh?
19:40Come on, help me out of this mess Rodney, please.
19:42Come on, any ideas?
19:43Anything, eh?
19:44- All right, all right.
19:46We'll just have a look at the problems, right.
19:47On the one hand right, you don't want to fly!
19:50- No.
19:51- No, no, that's all right.
19:52But on the other hand, you want to keep your pride intact?
19:54- Of course I do.
19:56- Right, right, I've got it.
19:59Right, you pretend to be dead keen
20:02to get up in them old clouds, right!
20:04You put on all the gear, put yourself in the glider thing,
20:08then, at the last minute, I come over from the van,
20:11rushing up, right, and say we've had
20:13an urgent call come through on our car-phone.
20:21- That's brill, innit, eh?
20:22- But we ain't got a car phone, have we, Dopey?
20:24We ain't even got a ruddy car, look.
20:30- Who's gonna know any different?
20:32Eh?
20:34And then I say you've gotta rush back to London immediately,
20:38right, and you act all disappointed,
20:39you go, "Oh no, but what can you do?"
20:44Then we're in the van and we're away!
20:46Oh yeah, good boy.
20:47Well done, Rodders, well done.
20:50Listen, now, wait a minute.
20:52You are gonna stay here, though, aren't you?
20:52- I'll be right here, mate.
20:53- Good boy, good boy.
20:57Hey, Andy, come on then, hurry up,
21:00I'm getting a bit impatient to be off, ain't I?
21:03He don't know does he?
21:04(audience laughs)
21:12- Everything all right?
21:13- Oh, yeah.
21:14Beautiful, darling, beautiful.
21:15- Now, you remember everything
21:17I told you about controlling the glider?
21:18- Yeah, don't worry, Andy.
21:19It's all up there.
21:20Down there for dancing.
21:25(audience laughs)
21:28What d'you reckon, all the thermals
21:29and all that all right up there, Andy?
21:31- No, no, it's one of the best days of the year.
21:33- Yeah, that's exactly what I thought.
21:34- Well, whenever you're ready, Del.
21:36All right, cushty, cushty.
21:42- You're switched on.
21:43- Yeah, it's all working, yeah.
21:47(audience laughs)
21:54Is that our phone I can hear ringing, Rodney?
21:58- Eh?
22:02(audience laughs)
22:05- I said, is that our phone I can hear ringing?
22:10- No.
22:13- Are you sure?
22:15- Yeah.
22:19We ain't got a carphone!
22:20(audience laughs)
22:30Get up as high as you can, Del, eh?
22:34You might get a tan.
22:37- I will get you for this, Rodney, just see if I don't.
22:45- Are you going, Del?
22:47- Yeah, yeah, I'm going.
22:52Oh, my god.
22:53Oh, bloody hell.
22:54Oh, god, oh, god.
22:55(screaming)
23:04- Oh.
23:07- Oh, they do this for fun?
23:09Oh, god, please let me get back down safely.
23:15Please God, let me get down from here.
23:17(screaming)
23:19- What's he doing?
23:21- Well, where's he going?
23:23I told him to stay close to the ridge.
23:24- Why, what's over there?
23:26- He's heading out to sea.
23:28(audience laughs)
23:32- Get that down, you.
23:36He's been missing for 12 hours.
23:4112 hours, that's nearly half a day.
23:43- I know, I've got a GCE in Maths, haven't I?
23:45(audience laughs)
23:47(doorbell rings)
23:51- Shall I answer it, son?
23:53- Yes, please.
24:01- Robert.
24:02- Hello, Trig.
24:02- Wotcher, Dave.
24:04- Hello, Trig.
24:05- You all right?
24:07- Yeah, I'm fine, this is nothing!
24:10Have they found him?
24:11- Yeah, they found him, Dave!
24:14- Um, where?
24:17- He crashed into a television transmitter in Redhill.
24:22They rushed him to the local hospital.
24:24X-rays and that.
24:26They tried to phone his next of kin,
24:29but they couldn't get through, so they phoned the pub.
24:32Me and Mike got a cab out there.
24:34- We'll see you for the fare son.
24:36- Nah, that's all right.
24:37We got a Green Line back.
24:40But what happened?
24:42Has he broken anything?
24:44- Well, they reckon the aerial's beyond repair.
24:47(audience laughs)
24:50- I mean Del, how's Del?
24:53- You'd better ask him yourself Dave.
25:01- See you got home safely then, Rodney?
25:04(audience laughs)
25:07- Yeah.
25:08Are you all right, Del?
25:10- Is he winding me up or what?
25:13- No, no, he's just a bit concerned.
25:16That's all, Del.
25:18Here, are you all right?
25:20I'm fine!
25:22- So what did the hospital say, son?
25:24- They said...
25:26They said I may never walk again.
25:30Rodney, Rodney, my brother,
25:33I know that in your heart of hearts
25:35you never meant to disable me,
25:37and I just want you to know I won't hold it against you.
25:42- All right.
25:43(audience laughs)
25:52- All right, what I meant was,
25:54I'm sorry I let you lay under our home-solarium
25:57all that time and made you go a bit red.
26:01I suppose, all right, this is my punishment, innit?
26:05Spend the rest of my life in this wheelchair!
26:09- Still, it could have been worse, Del!
26:12- How?
26:14- My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
26:16(audience laughs)
26:21- This is all a bit sick, innit?
26:23I mean, you might fool these three, but not me, bruv!
26:26- What do you mean, Rodney?
26:27- Oh, come off it, Del.
26:29Two pina coladas, then you'll put on your Eric Clapton LP
26:32and you'll be up jiving, won't ya?
26:34- I don't believe this!
26:35I don't believe what he's doing to me!
26:36He's torn my world in half and now he's having a pop at me!
26:39- You're right out of order, son!
26:40- Oh, listen to me.
26:42Hospitals do not send home paralyzed people by bus!
26:49What is it you are after, Del, eh?
26:51Sympathy from Lisa or a disabled sticker for the van, eh?
26:55(audience laughs)
26:58- You listen to me, you vicious little git!
27:00I may never walk again for the rest of...
27:08Although I must admit, I'm getting some feeling back.
27:12- You should never tell them sort of lies, Del!
27:14- You made us go all the way out to Redhill
27:16and there was nothing wrong with you?
27:17- Don't blame me, it was him.
27:18I just wanted to get my own back on this plonker.
27:20- Yeah, but when you fancied a smoke on the bus,
27:22you made me carry you up to the top deck.
27:27Don't blame me!
27:28Don't blame me, Trig!
27:29Just blame him!
27:30Rodney, I was up there three hours!
27:32Three bloody hours!
27:34I did the loop-the-loop over Dimchurch.
27:38Little kids were shouting at me,
27:39"There goes a spaceman, a spaceman."
27:44Finally, just when I'd given up hope
27:46I clattered into an aerial thing
27:48and fell 50 foot to the ground.
27:50It was only by the grace of God
27:51that I landed on something soft.
27:53- Yeah, I noticed the bruising around your head.
27:56- It was not my head!
27:57I landed on a very unfortunate
28:00and very unsuspecting courting couple.
28:04- You're kidding?
28:05- No, I wish I was.
28:07Due to your vicious mind and general wallyness,
28:11they have had to put their wedding back six months.
28:15I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra,
28:19and that's regardless of what Radio Rentals
28:21are gonna do me for for the aerial!
28:25- Would it help if I said I'm sorry?
28:27- No, it would not!
28:29- Talking of weddings, that reminds me.
28:32Lisa has invited you to hers.
28:34- Well, that's all I need innit, eh?
28:35That's another trip down to bleedin' Hampshire...
28:40- Lisa's getting married?
28:41- Yeah, in a couple of months, that's what she came up for,
28:45to buy herself a wedding dress in Oxford Street.
28:48- This is all a bit sudden, innit?
28:50- No, she's been engaged for over a year.
28:52Some geezer called Andy.
28:54- Oh, well, there's a bit of good news, Trig!
28:56Here, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll open up
28:57the pub and we can have a little celebration drink.
28:59= Yeah, nice one, Mike.
29:00You coming, Albert?
29:01Yeah I'll be there, son.
29:02- I suppose you two will be joining us?
29:13- So she was engaged all the time!
29:16(laughs)
29:19What a couple of wallies!
29:24(audience claps)
29:27We've got some half-packed cracked ice
29:29And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:31TVs, Deep Freeze, and David Bowie LPs
29:34Ball games, gold chains, what's-names, picture frames
29:37And leather goods and Trevor Francis track suits
29:39From a mush in Shepherds Bush
29:43No income tax, no VAT
29:46No money back, no guarantee
29:49Black or white, rich or poor
29:52We'll cut prices at a stroke
29:57God bless Hooky Street
30:00Viva Hooky Street
30:03Long Live Hooky Street
30:05C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
30:09Magnifique, Hooky Street