Only Fools and Horses S05E05 — Video Nasty

Every line from “Video Nasty” (753 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S05E05 meme — “- But Del, this is an opportunity for me”

00:00("Only Fools and Horses Theme")
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11♫ Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:13♫ And you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ Where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But heres the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la lala
00:35♫ la la la la la
00:41- What's the matter with you Boycie?
00:43You don't seem you're old self tonight,
00:45You ain't cheated once.
00:47- No, sorry Trigger, I'm just a bit down, that's all.
00:51I mean, you don't know what it's like to
00:53have a wife who cannot have children.
00:55I've tried to console her.
00:57I've said "Marlene, God didn't mean you to have kids,
01:00"so shut up about it."
01:04Doesn't seem to help.
01:05- I'd like to be someone's dad.
01:07- We're down for another going over
01:09at the bloody hospital next week.
01:11I mean, embarrassing ain't the word.
01:13I'm sure they do half those tests just for a giggle.
01:17I mean, she's the one with the problem,
01:19why have I gotta go?
01:21- I never knew who my dad was.
01:23- I heard your mum weren't that sure.
01:26- You're out of order Mike.
01:27She knew who my dad was
01:30roughly.
01:32- Now, come off it Trigger.
01:33I've seen your birth certificate at school!
01:36What did your mum put down under father's name?
01:39- Long time ago weren't it?
01:42- What did she put down under father's name?
01:46- "Some Soldiers."
01:51Well maybe that's where I get my military bering from!
01:54- Oh yeah?
01:55Well go'n do a counter-attack then!
02:00Where's Del Boy tonight then?
02:01- He's gone to the Zoo.
02:02- He's gone to the--
02:03- Don't ask.
02:04- Right then, I'm off now Mickey.
02:06- Yeah, I'll see yer later Amanda.
02:08Here doll, treat yourself to a chinky, yeah.
02:10- Oh, cheers Mick.
02:12I'll give you a bell in the week.
02:14- She seems like a nice girl Mickey!
02:16- Yeah well, You know how it is Mike,
02:18every so often a person fancies a bit of rough!
02:20- And she picked you?
02:23- Oh that's a joke innit?
02:24I remember you said something funny a couple of years ago!
02:27- Alright Mick?
02:28- Alright Rodney, what you having?
02:30- Oh, um, 'alf a lager please, ta.
02:32- 'Ere y'are Mike, make that a big pint!
02:34- Oi, oi, what have you been up to then?
02:36- I'm working for Boycie ain't I!
02:38Delivering, picking up.
02:39He's in the video game in a big way.
02:41Pirates, naughties, all that!
02:43And it's cash in hand, no questions,
02:45sweet as a nut!
02:46Where you been, out on the knocker?
02:48No, I've just come back from me evening class ain't I?
02:51You know I told you we'd applied for
02:52an Arts Council grant?
02:54We got it!
02:55- Never!
02:56- Yeah, straight up!
02:57Mr Stevens, right, he's head of our art group,
02:59got confirmation this morning.
03:01We have got 10 thousand pounds
03:03to make a local community film.
03:05And we've got all the equipment, everything.
03:07And guess who's in charge of the project?
03:09- You're putting me on!
03:11- No, straight up, it's me.
03:12What I've got to do, you see,
03:13I've gotta come up with the idea and then delegate the
03:16various responsibilities to all the other students.
03:18- Yeah, well put me in won't you?
03:19I'm a member of your art class aren't I?
03:21- Oh come off it Mickey, you only came one night
03:23and that's only 'cause I told you we had a nude model.
03:26- Yeah, well I thought it would be a bird anyway.
03:32You've gotta' write it Rodney.
03:33- Yeah?
03:34- Well, you're a natural when it comes to the written word.
03:37I'll never forget that thing you wrote some years back.
03:39What was it called?
03:40- The Indictment.
03:41- That's it, The Indictment,
03:43Yeah, that would have made a terrific book you know.
03:45Why didn't you send it to the publisher?
03:47- Well, I'll be perfectly honest with you Mickey.
03:49I couldn't think of a single publisher who
03:51could understand what I was saying.
03:53- Yeah, it was a bit strange weren't it?
03:55- Alright Rodders?
03:56- Hello Del, what you having?
03:58- What am I having?
03:59A bleedin' hard time with this moaner, here.
04:00- I shouldn't be humping bales
04:02of hay around at my time of life.
04:03- Bales of hay?
04:04- You see, Abdul's cousin's girlfriend's brother's
04:08mate's mate, right, he's a gamekeeper
04:10down at one of these private Zoos.
04:11And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first
04:13wife's stepfather, right, he works for
04:15an animal food company.
04:16So, put the two together and what you got?
04:18A nice little earner.
04:20- Don't wanna worry you but I think you've got
04:21something nesting in there, old son.
04:24- Up yer shirt!
04:25Oi Rodney!
04:26- Hang on, I'll see you in a minute.
04:28- While you've been poncing around at yer soppy art class
04:32I've had to unload two tons of hay!
04:34- Oh, poncing around, is that what you call it?
04:36Well, for your information,
04:38this evening I was commissioned to make a film.
04:41(laughs)
04:44- Leave it out Dave, I wouldn't
04:46leave you to make a jelly!
04:48- I have heard rumors Mickey Mouse
04:50wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch!
04:53- It's true.
04:54- I love it, Boycie.
04:55- It's true, I'm telling you!
04:56I've got all the equipment and everything!
04:58I'm writing it and,
04:59and Mickey Pearce is directing!
05:02- You what, Mickey Pearce directing.
05:03He couldn't direct a sea gull to the coast him.
05:06- He's got experience in films.
05:08- What, that Saturday morning job
05:09at the photographic counter at Boots?
05:11Leave it out Rodney.
05:12Anyway, you couldn't write a film script.
05:14I mean, what was that book that you wrote,
05:16what was it called The Indikment,
05:18I mean that never got published did it, eh?
05:19- No, 'cos you chucked it down the bloody chute!
05:22- Yes that's right, because I didn't want
05:23to see you disappointed!
05:24I mean, it was a bloody stupid story.
05:26No murders in it or nothing!
05:28- It was an indictment of a failing system weren't it?
05:32Alright, it was a first effort so it probably didn't
05:34have the same social impact as, say, Cathy Come Home.
05:38- It didn't have the same social impact as Lassie Come Home!
05:42- This film you're making Rodney anyone in it we know?
05:44- I tell you what, all them birds are in it
05:47for a start, look.
05:48- That's a shred move on your part Rodney.
05:51You're the writer, Mickey's the director.
05:53So he gets the casting couch and you get the Biro!
06:19- 'Ey up there, here you are Oscar, quick, mind out.
06:23I've got a present for you.
06:24There y'are.
06:25- What is it?
06:27- Close your eyes.
06:28- Oh come on Del, what is it?
06:29- Now, come on, close yer eyes!
06:31- I bet Tom Stoppard don't have
06:33to put up with all this!
06:35- Alright, come on then open 'em.
06:38There you are, well?
06:43- Yes, it's a typewriter, innit?
06:45- You see that Albert, he recognized it straight away.
06:48That's the author in him!
06:50Well, come on Rodney, come on, let's get going boy.
06:53You'll soon have that old screenplay knocked out now
06:55won't you my son?
06:56Go on, there.
06:58- It's old isn't it?
07:00- They made stuff to last in them days.
07:02That is quality Rodney.
07:04Look at that crest, by royal appointment.
07:08- Oh yeah, Victoria Regina.
07:12- Well go'n.
07:13- What?
07:14- You know, try it.
07:20- It's very faint Del, innit?
07:21- Well you gotta hit it harder than that Rodney
07:23Have another go.
07:27- It's still faint.
07:28- Well, you've gotta give it a good whack haven't ya.
07:30Here, I'll show ya, look.
07:33There y'are, there y'are,
07:34that's a bit better innit, look.
07:36- Yeah that's great, thanks a lot.
07:37- Right, away you go then.
07:40- Away I go what?
07:41- Well, you know, you know, start the old typing.
07:42- Yeah, be creative.
07:44- Be creat--
07:45I can't just be creative at the drop of a hat can I?
07:48There are certain things a writer needs before
07:50he can actually start writing.
07:53Like a story.
07:55- You ain't even got a story?
07:57- Not exactly, I've only been trying
07:58for a couple of days, ain't I?
08:00- Listen, I've got an idea for a story
08:02and it's a bloody good 'un an' all!
08:03D'you wanna hear it?
08:04- No, not really Del.
08:05- Oh that's charming innit?
08:07You buy him a brand new typewriter and come up with
08:09a story for him, and what thanks d'you get?
08:11- I'll tell you what thanks get Albert,
08:14no sodding thanks, that's the thanks I get!
08:17-[Rodney] Alright, tell me yer story then.
08:19- No, no, don't bother yourself Rodney, please.
08:21I was only tryin' to help you!
08:22- Oh now, come on, honestly Del,
08:24seriously, I'd like to hear your story.
08:26Well, I need a bit of help, don't I?
08:32- Right, okay, now this is a
08:35Jaws-type story.
08:37- Jaws?
08:37Jaws has been done though.
08:39- I know it's been done, but this is different.
08:40It's called There's a Rhino Loose in the City.
08:48- There's a Rhi--
08:51Loose In the--
08:53As in rhinoceros?
08:55- That's right.
08:56There's a Rhino Loose in the City!
08:58- What's it about Del?
09:03- Well, it's about, you see this rhinoceros right,
09:06escapes from the zoo and it heads straight for London.
09:08And after two or three days they find like
09:10all these dead bodies lying about
09:12and no one knows who's done it.
09:14So, they get hold of this private detective,
09:16you know like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer
09:19to try and solve the crime.
09:21Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman.
09:24Before you know where you are, old Charlton
09:27is giving the sort what for,
09:28so that's yer romantic interest!
09:32- A rhinoceros?
09:34- Yeah, but they don't know it's missing!
09:37- But how can you not know?
09:39If you've got a rhinoceros right and one day it ain't
09:41there, you tend to know it's missing!
09:45- Don't be a plonker all yer life, Rodney.
09:47She ain't got one rhinoceros, she probably
09:49like got two or three rhinoceroses!
09:52- And how's he escape?
09:53- Squeezes through the bars most probably.
09:56- Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney.
09:58I'm only trying to help you.
09:59- I don't believe this!
10:00Nobody knows it's escaped?
10:02What about the eight million people living in London?
10:04Don't none of them spot it?
10:06- Yeah!
10:07- Yeah, but the ones who spot it,
10:08they're the ones who get trampled to death!
10:10- And what about all the others?
10:12The people in offices, the people in cafes,
10:14the people sitting on top of buses!
10:16It's a rhino Del.
10:19- He only comes out at night!
10:23- What is it, a vampire rhino?
10:26- No it is not a vampire rhino.
10:28That is stupid that is, innit eh?
10:30- And where does he live during the day?
10:33- In a lock-up garage in a back street.
10:36- What, he's leasing it is he?
10:39- He's not leasing it.
10:40It's a disused garage in a back
10:42street where no one ever goes!
10:43The detective does find it, only it's at night.
10:47- And the rhino's gone out?
10:48- That's right see, so you see
10:50the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery.
10:53You see what it is Rodney,
10:54not only is it a love story, it's a whodunit!
10:57- An whodunit?
10:57What do you mean an whodunit?
10:59We know who-dun-it, the rhino done it!
11:03- Yes, I know that we, we the audience know that,
11:05but they don't know, the actors do they?
11:07- This is something.
11:08A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo.
11:11There are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints.
11:15There's a lockup garage two and half foot deep in
11:18rhinoceros crap and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!
11:28- I do admit there are one or two teething snags.
11:32But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it.
11:34I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings
11:36and a bit of humpty dumpty!
11:38I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!
11:40- Disaster?
11:41It's a calamity Del!
11:44- Why is he killing people?
11:45- Well, what d'you want him to be a social worker?
11:48Well, he's a man eater ain't he?
11:51- No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous.
11:54They're vegetarian.
11:57- Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him
12:00hide in the back of an health food shop.
12:04- And he won't head for the city neither.
12:06- But he's gotta head for the city
12:08so that he can kill lots of people.
12:09- Yeah that's right!
12:10- No, his natural habitat would be the open country.
12:16- Alright, so what are you suggesting?
12:19We call the film There's a Rhino Loose
12:21Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives?
12:25- You don't call the likes of Charlton Heston in
12:27'cos something's eating the carrots.
12:29I think it's a good idea Del.
12:30- Thank you very much Albert.
12:32- Yeah, well I'll pass.
12:33- Alright, alright, I just wanted to put an idea
12:37in your head, that was all.
12:39I wish it'd been a bleedin' bullet now!
12:41- Del, I've only got a small budget, ain't I?
12:44- But that's the beauty of it Rodney.
12:45I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap!
12:50Yeah, alright Chas, I'll knock out that
12:52stuff for you tomorrow night.
12:54Eh?
12:55Um, not sure whether we'll be wanting the rhino now.
12:59- We won't.
12:59- Listen I'll give you a bell tomorrow Chas.
13:01Tata mate.
13:06Oi Tony, come on, where's that grub?
13:08We've been waiting here half an hour.
13:10There's something I wanted to catch
13:11on the telly, the Epilogue.
13:16- Wha' you order?
13:17- Look I told you, two chicken
13:19and rice and one Spanish omelette.
13:21- Two chicken rice, one Spanish omelette.
13:23- Can't even speak the lingo can he?
13:27Well, how are you getting on with your story then?
13:29- Well I have the kernel of an idea.
13:31I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat.
13:33It's what writers call the gestation period.
13:36- And what do you call it?
13:37- Stop it, stop your winding up you.
13:40- And where's your director then, Rodney?
13:42- He's acquainting himself with
13:43the video camera and all the equipment.
13:45- Yeah, he's down the Town Hall filming a wedding.
13:50- What d'you mean he's down the Town Hall filming a wedding?
13:52- Well, well you see what happened was,
13:53I went down the Town Hall and around a the churches
13:56taking notes of the banns.
13:58Then I contacted the brides and asked them if they'd like
14:00their happiest day recorded on film for 50 quid a throw.
14:04- I don't believe you're doing this to me!
14:06- Well look Rodney, that Mickey Pearce
14:08has gotta practice with that camera ain't he?
14:10He's gotta work out how to focus it and all that.
14:13You know, why not earn while yer learn?
14:15That's what I say.
14:16Anyway, Boycie nicks all them tapes from Boycie,
14:18don't he, eh?
14:19- But Del, this is an opportunity for me
14:21and all you're doing is making money out of it!
14:23- It'll be alright because he's only got
14:26five or six weddings to do,
14:28two or three christenings and he's finished.
14:31- But that camera is council property!
14:33- Yeah, so is the Town Hall.
14:34- Yeah see, there you go!
14:36- You're just abusing the trust shown in me, ain't ya.
14:38- Will you shut up you tart!
14:40Look, here is your share.
14:42- I do not want it.
14:44- Oh well, please yourself.
14:47It goes back in the--
14:48- Alright, just this once!
14:49- Don't do me no favors Rodney!
14:51Will ya, eh?
14:52You've got a nerve.
14:52- Well, that's shut you up for
14:54a good while though innit Boycie!
14:55- I keep telling you Marlene,
14:56them doctors don't know everything!
14:57They're just a bunch of chancers that's all.
14:59Good afternoon, I phoned an order through earlier, Mr Boyce.
15:04- Oh yes, I go see.
15:05- Thank you.
15:06- All those bloody tests I've had.
15:07- And what about all the bloody tests I've--
15:08Oh, good afternoon Derek.
15:10I didn't realize you and your family were dining out.
15:13- Oh yes, I like to treat 'em once in a while,
15:15keeps the moral up don't it?
15:16Hello darling, (whistles) how are you?
15:18Hey, is my little godson in there yet?
15:20- No he ain't!
15:21And he ain't likely to be with him around.
15:24- Marlene.
15:25- Marlene bloody nuffing!
15:26All these years you've said it
15:27was my fault we couldn't have kids!
15:30They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with me,
15:32it's him.
15:34- Ain't it bleedin' fair eh?
15:36- What's the matter then Boycie?
15:38You ain't a noofter are you?
15:40- See that you've started now, Marlene?
15:43Even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss
15:44this outside the confines of the laboratory.
15:46And you're holding a public debate in a Chinese take-away.
15:50- He's got what the doctors call a low count.
15:54- Don't want to buy a calculator do you Boyce?
15:58- What's it mean?
15:59- Nothing!
16:00- It means he's been firing more blanks
16:02than the Territorials!
16:07- You happy now Marlene?
16:09- My Boyce, prawn balls?
16:11- Yes thank--
16:14Yes, thank you very much.
16:18- It's our anniversary next Friday.
16:2020 years, Gawd, that's something to celebrate innit?
16:23Anyway, we've hired the pub and you're all invited.
16:26- Oh lovely, we'll be there sweetheart.
16:28- Well, come along then Marlene.
16:30- Yeah alright,
16:32oh Rodney is that right you're making a film?
16:35You know I used to act a bit when I was younger.
16:40Actually someone once said that I had
16:41a promising career in films.
16:44- Yeah, then talkies come along and ruined it.
16:47Let's go Marlene.
16:49- Tata Marlene.
16:50Bye bye Boycie.
16:56What about that then?
16:58Old Boycie being a Jaffa.
17:00- A Jaffa?
17:01- Yeah, you know, seedless!
17:08- I could use Boycie's problem
17:09as a theme for my film couldn't I?
17:11Because that hospital they attend right,
17:13that's one of the leading centers for genetic research,
17:16artificial insemination and all that.
17:18That's quite interesting.
17:19- Oh yeah, on the edge of yer seat stuff that innit yeah?
17:22Have you thought any more about the rhino story?
17:24- Del, I am not doing a film about
17:26a blood-sucking rhino and a divvy detective!
17:28No, that hospital interests me though.
17:31- I don't reckon they should be allowed to do it,
17:33freezing things and all that.
17:34They're messing around with nature.
17:36- No, they're not messing around with nature are they?
17:38They're assisting nature.
17:40See, 'cos they only freeze the ova,
17:42or eggs, right, until they are ready
17:44to be fertilized, right, and then they get the egg
17:48and well they sort of mix it--
17:51There's this geezer--
17:52- Oi, oi, I've ordered an omelette 'ere.
17:54- Yeah, yeah.
17:56Do you know what I reckon, in a few years time,
17:57young married couples wanting to start a family,
17:59they won't go to the doctors,
18:01they'll nip down the road to Bejams!
18:16Everything alright Rodney?
18:18- No, the T and the A are missing.
18:21- Well it's no problem is it?
18:23- Well it is if you wanna write words like at.
18:25- You'll find a way round it,
18:27I've got faith in you, I really have.
18:29Anyway, how are you coming on?
18:30Can I have a read, or something?
18:31- No you can't, it ain't finished yet.
18:33- Oh alright.
18:33What's this, just a minute.
18:35What's this red mark up here on the top?
18:37Is that something technical is it?
18:38- No, one of my fingers started bleeding!
18:41- Never mind, never mind you'll be alright.
18:43Hey, I tell you what, your movie ain't
18:44half caused a stir round here.
18:46You'd be surprised how many actors
18:48and actresses live locally.
18:49I don't mean, you know, like professionals,
18:51I mean a lot of new, fresh, untapped talent!
18:54There, I made a list for you, there you are.
19:00- You're not suggesting I use
19:01all these people in my film?
19:03- Just extras Rodney, just extras.
19:05Never mind the quantity think about the quality.
19:07- I'm thinking about the money Del!
19:10- I did say, well a tenner a day.
19:12- I can't afford to pay 'em a tenner a day!
19:13- No, they pay us a tenner a day.
19:16- You're just exploiting people again ain't ya?
19:18- No I am not Rodney.
19:19Look, I've given 'em your word now.
19:21-[Rodney] Well you had no right to!
19:23- Alright here's your share.
19:26Alright, there you go, look.
19:29- And they're just extras?
19:31- Just extras, that's all.
19:33By the way, there's a list here
19:35of local businesses you might like to mention.
19:42- The Seventh Heaven Sauna Parlor?
19:45- Yeah, just a mention, something like,
19:47the nice relaxing atmosphere, nice and friendly service.
19:49You know what I mean?
19:50Oh, is the undertaker's down there?
19:53- No.
19:54- Oh well bear it in mind, will ya?
19:56- Del, why are you doing this to me?
19:58I had high hopes when I started this project!
20:01Mr. Stevens said if it was good
20:02enough he'd show it at the National Film Theater.
20:05- What's the matter with you,
20:06you're earning ain't yer?
20:08Look, Rodney listen I've gotta shoot,
20:10I've got another client to meet.
20:11It might mean another booking.
20:13'Ere, talking about that, what is a natural birth?
20:17Never mind, I'll find out myself.
20:21Albert, d'you wanna lift?
20:23- Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute son.
20:24- Well come on, come on shift yourself I ain't got
20:26all night you know.
20:28See you later.
20:30- Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
20:32- Alright, listen, I might have another booking
20:33for you later on.
20:34I'll give you a bell, alright?
20:36Alright Rodney?
20:37No it's not alright.
20:39This is getting out of hand, look.
20:42- What is it, a petition?
20:43- No, that's our cast list!
20:45And this is a list of all the shops
20:46and businesses we've gotta advertise.
20:49- He forgot the undertakers!
20:51- You mean you knew about it?
20:53- Well it's good business Rodney!
20:55- Right, I'm off out now Rodney.
20:56(doorbell rings)
20:58I'll get it.
20:59- Look it's gotta stop Mickey!
21:00We're just promoting shops and businesses, ain't we?
21:03We've got more extras than Ben Hur here.
21:05- Watcha' babe.
21:09This is Amanda.
21:11- It's a what?
21:13- Amanda.
21:14I'm taking her out for a drink tonight so I
21:15asked her round here so you could make her a nice
21:18cup of coffee.
21:18Alright Rodney?
21:20- Yeah, okay.
21:32D'you take sugar?
21:33- Two please.
21:38- Mickey, could I have a moment of your time please.
21:40-[Mickey] What's up?
21:42- Why is she wearing a nurse's uniform?
21:44- She's just come off duty!
21:46- Oh yeah, you must think I've
21:47just come off a banana boat.
21:48What are yer playing at?
21:50- Look, I've been delivering these films for Boycie ain't I,
21:52so I know where I can sell 'em.
21:54We've got all this equipment, why waste it?
21:56We can cut the middle-man out.
21:58- I'd like to cut your liver out.
22:00You are not making any films in this flat.
22:03You understand?
22:04Both of ya?
22:05- Alright Rodney, no need to get out yer pram about it.
22:07- All right, you sit down.
22:09I'll make you a cup of coffee
22:10then you can both hit the road.
22:16What is happening?
22:17What the bloody hell is happening?
22:19I've got a cast of thousands,
22:21I've got more advertising than Pearl and Dean
22:23and now Mickey wants to make Emmanuelle in Peckham.
22:26Oh, this is a bloody nightmare.
22:30Now Rodney, Rodney calm down.
22:32Calm down.
22:34Deep breaths, nice and easy does it.
22:37-[Mickey] Night Nurse Take One.
22:41- Night Nurse Take One?
22:43-[Mickey] That's the way baby.
22:45Let it slip to the ground.
22:47- Mickey, you better not be doing-
22:50Oh no Mickey.
22:51No, get her to put 'em back!
22:54Oh bloody hell!
22:57- Hold 'em up.
22:59That's it.
23:01Move 'em about a bit.
23:04-[Amanda] Oh come on, hurry up Mickey love.
23:05He don't like smiling for too long.
23:09- Okay everybody, that's a wrap.
23:11- I wasn't ready for that one.
23:14- Happy anniversary dear.
23:16- Oi, vicar get a move on.
23:18We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes.
23:20- Yes, I'll be with you in just a moment, Mickey.
23:23- Alright, I'll wait for you down the church then.
23:25Alright Rodney?
23:26- Shut up!
23:27- Please yourself!
23:28- Here we go Rodney, my son,
23:30there is your share, alright?
23:32- I don't like this Del, you know I don't like this.
23:35- I know, I know, I know.
23:36- Here Del, we're slipping out to the back room.
23:38- Alright, good Mike, yeah.
23:39- Hi Rodney.
23:40- Alright Mike.
23:41- Of all the bars in all the world
23:43and you had to walk into mine.
23:44- You're in my film as well Mike are ya?
23:46- Yeah, just a little cameo role, son.
23:48I'll see you in a minute.
23:49Come on Del.
23:50- Coming, coming, coming.
23:52Come on in, Albert.
23:54- It all seems to be going rather well.
23:57- Oh yeah, it's really nice innit, vicar?
23:59- I married the happy couple all those years ago.
24:02Of course, I had hoped by now
24:04that the good lord would have blessed their union
24:06with an offspring or two.
24:08But if it's not to be--
24:10- Well I heard that because of
24:11the precarious state of the world,
24:13Boycie and Marlene had decided against starting a family.
24:16- Oh really?
24:18I heard that Boycie was a Jaffa.
24:23Tell me, is it true that you're making a film, Rodney?
24:27- Oh yeah, we got an Arts Council grant.
24:29- Well, I was talking with Derek earlier-
24:32- I'll give you a bell when we start shooting vicar.
24:35- Thank you my boy.
24:37- Alright, then yes everyone got a drink have they?
24:38- Even the vicar's in on it Del.
24:41- What you want to drink?
24:42- Give us a beer.
24:43- Here, go on then my son.
24:44- Watcha Dave.
24:45- Alright Trigger.
24:46- You dirty rat!
24:47- Oh, this is getting bloody stupid.
24:50- Alright gentlemen, would you like to settle down.
24:52If you'd like to take your seats.
24:53- Come on, here we go.
24:57- Right now, the Boycie Video and Leisure Arts Company
25:01is proud to present the British premiere
25:04of Night Nurse
25:08from the novel by Enid Blyton.
25:11(group chatters)
25:17- Oh, that's a bit unexpected innit?
25:19- Here look at that one.
25:20I've got no sympathy for her, look.
25:21- No, no, Del that's gotta be special effects.
25:24- No that's real.
25:27Now shut up, it's starting proper now.
25:30- Where do they get these grotty flats to film in?
25:35- 'Ere I've seen that bird before somewhere.
25:42- Go on girl, let's have a look.
25:44Oh dear, I am tired I've just come back from nursing.
25:56- One of those would do me a week.
25:57(laughs)
26:00- Hello, she's got her ear muffs off now.
26:12Rodney!
26:15- It was nothing to do with me Del.
26:17It was a Mickey Pearce production!
26:18- Mickey Pearce, you wait till I get hold of him.
26:20I'm 'gonna stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril!
26:24Rodney, didn't you have any idea
26:25what you were getting yourself into?
26:27- I thought Boycie wouldn't be too pleased you know,
26:28someone muscling in on his business and that.
26:31- God, Boycie.
26:33Boycie's not the one that worries me.
26:34It's his partners that are giving me grief.
26:36D'you know who's backing him behind this,
26:38only the Driscoll Brothers that's all.
26:40Have you heard of 'em?
26:42- No.
26:42- No, well let's hope they haven't heard of you.
26:44Now I'm gonna see if I can save your knees and make
26:47sure they stay in the same place.
26:49Now I'm gonna' stuff this right down the khazi,
26:50you stay there.
26:51- Del, I promise nothing like this will ever happen again,
26:54I promise.
26:57- Hello Rodney?
26:58Alright for a cup of coffee?
26:59- Oh yes, do come in Mickey.
27:02- I brought a few friends with me.
27:05- Pearcie, I want a ruddy word with you.
27:10(telephone rings)
27:18- Hello?
27:20Oh Mr. Stevens, hi!
27:22Yeah, yeah and have you had a chance to read it?
27:26Great.
27:27Well what do you think?
27:29And please be truthfully blunt with me.
27:31Okay, yeah,
27:37ah ha.
27:39Yes well that's truthfully blunt innit Mr. Stevens.
27:43Yes, there are a lot of characters in it, yes,
27:45but all vital to the theme I thought.
27:48Yeah well, I actually wanted to write a film
27:51that not only dealt with the contemporary issues
27:54but also challenged some of the more widely held
27:56beliefs of modern youth.
28:00No, that is no problem because my brother
28:01knows where he can get us a rhino, yeah!
28:05(applause)
28:10♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
28:12♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
28:13♫ TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's
28:16♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
28:18♫ And at a push
28:19♫ Some Trevor Francis track-suits
28:21♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush,
28:23♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
28:25♫ No income tax, no VAT
28:28♫ No money back, no guarantee
28:32♫ Black or white, rich or broke
28:34♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
28:39♫ God bless Hooky Street
28:42♫ Viva Hooky Street
28:45♫ Long live Hooky Street
28:48♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
28:52♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
28:56♫ Hooky Street