Only Fools and Horses S05E05 — Video Nasty

Every line from “Video Nasty” (753 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00("Only Fools and Horses Theme")
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:11♫ Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:13♫ And you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ Where it all comes from
00:20♫ Is a mystery
00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But heres the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la lala
00:35♫ la la la la la
00:41- What's the matter with you Boycie?
00:43You don't seem you're old self tonight,
00:45You ain't cheated once.
00:47- No, sorry Trigger, I'm just a bit down, that's all.
00:51I mean, you don't know what it's like to
00:53have a wife who cannot have children.
00:55I've tried to console her.
00:57I've said "Marlene, God didn't mean you to have kids,
01:00"so shut up about it."
01:04Doesn't seem to help.
01:05- I'd like to be someone's dad.
01:07- We're down for another going over
01:09at the bloody hospital next week.
01:11I mean, embarrassing ain't the word.
01:13I'm sure they do half those tests just for a giggle.
01:17I mean, she's the one with the problem,
01:19why have I gotta go?
01:21- I never knew who my dad was.
01:23- I heard your mum weren't that sure.
01:26- You're out of order Mike.
01:27She knew who my dad was
01:30roughly.
01:32- Now, come off it Trigger.
01:33I've seen your birth certificate at school!
01:36What did your mum put down under father's name?
01:39- Long time ago weren't it?
01:42- What did she put down under father's name?
01:46- "Some Soldiers."
01:51Well maybe that's where I get my military bering from!
01:54- Oh yeah?
01:55Well go'n do a counter-attack then!
02:00Where's Del Boy tonight then?
02:01- He's gone to the Zoo.
02:02- He's gone to the--
02:03- Don't ask.
02:04- Right then, I'm off now Mickey.
02:06- Yeah, I'll see yer later Amanda.
02:08Here doll, treat yourself to a chinky, yeah.
02:10- Oh, cheers Mick.
02:12I'll give you a bell in the week.
02:14- She seems like a nice girl Mickey!
02:16- Yeah well, You know how it is Mike,
02:18every so often a person fancies a bit of rough!
02:20- And she picked you?
02:23- Oh that's a joke innit?
02:24I remember you said something funny a couple of years ago!
02:27- Alright Mick?
02:28- Alright Rodney, what you having?
02:30- Oh, um, 'alf a lager please, ta.
02:32- 'Ere y'are Mike, make that a big pint!
02:34- Oi, oi, what have you been up to then?
02:36- I'm working for Boycie ain't I!
02:38Delivering, picking up.
02:39He's in the video game in a big way.
02:41Pirates, naughties, all that!
02:43And it's cash in hand, no questions,
02:45sweet as a nut!
02:46Where you been, out on the knocker?
02:48No, I've just come back from me evening class ain't I?
02:51You know I told you we'd applied for
02:52an Arts Council grant?
02:54We got it!
02:55- Never!
02:56- Yeah, straight up!
02:57Mr Stevens, right, he's head of our art group,
02:59got confirmation this morning.
03:01We have got 10 thousand pounds
03:03to make a local community film.
03:05And we've got all the equipment, everything.
03:07And guess who's in charge of the project?
03:09- You're putting me on!
03:11- No, straight up, it's me.
03:12What I've got to do, you see,
03:13I've gotta come up with the idea and then delegate the
03:16various responsibilities to all the other students.
03:18- Yeah, well put me in won't you?
03:19I'm a member of your art class aren't I?
03:21- Oh come off it Mickey, you only came one night
03:23and that's only 'cause I told you we had a nude model.
03:26- Yeah, well I thought it would be a bird anyway.
03:32You've gotta' write it Rodney.
03:33- Yeah?
03:34- Well, you're a natural when it comes to the written word.
03:37I'll never forget that thing you wrote some years back.
03:39What was it called?
03:40- The Indictment.
03:41- That's it, The Indictment,
03:43Yeah, that would have made a terrific book you know.
03:45Why didn't you send it to the publisher?
03:47- Well, I'll be perfectly honest with you Mickey.
03:49I couldn't think of a single publisher who
03:51could understand what I was saying.
03:53- Yeah, it was a bit strange weren't it?
03:55- Alright Rodders?
03:56- Hello Del, what you having?
03:58- What am I having?
03:59A bleedin' hard time with this moaner, here.
04:00- I shouldn't be humping bales
04:02of hay around at my time of life.
04:03- Bales of hay?
04:04- You see, Abdul's cousin's girlfriend's brother's
04:08mate's mate, right, he's a gamekeeper
04:10down at one of these private Zoos.
04:11And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first
04:13wife's stepfather, right, he works for
04:15an animal food company.
04:16So, put the two together and what you got?
04:18A nice little earner.
04:20- Don't wanna worry you but I think you've got
04:21something nesting in there, old son.
04:24- Up yer shirt!
04:25Oi Rodney!
04:26- Hang on, I'll see you in a minute.
04:28- While you've been poncing around at yer soppy art class
04:32I've had to unload two tons of hay!
04:34- Oh, poncing around, is that what you call it?
04:36Well, for your information,
04:38this evening I was commissioned to make a film.
04:41(laughs)
04:44- Leave it out Dave, I wouldn't
04:46leave you to make a jelly!
04:48- I have heard rumors Mickey Mouse
04:50wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch!
04:53- It's true.
04:54- I love it, Boycie.
04:55- It's true, I'm telling you!
04:56I've got all the equipment and everything!
04:58I'm writing it and,
04:59and Mickey Pearce is directing!
05:02- You what, Mickey Pearce directing.
05:03He couldn't direct a sea gull to the coast him.
05:06- He's got experience in films.
05:08- What, that Saturday morning job
05:09at the photographic counter at Boots?
05:11Leave it out Rodney.
05:12Anyway, you couldn't write a film script.
05:14I mean, what was that book that you wrote,
05:16what was it called The Indikment,
05:18I mean that never got published did it, eh?
05:19- No, 'cos you chucked it down the bloody chute!
05:22- Yes that's right, because I didn't want
05:23to see you disappointed!
05:24I mean, it was a bloody stupid story.
05:26No murders in it or nothing!
05:28- It was an indictment of a failing system weren't it?
05:32Alright, it was a first effort so it probably didn't
05:34have the same social impact as, say, Cathy Come Home.
05:38- It didn't have the same social impact as Lassie Come Home!
05:42- This film you're making Rodney anyone in it we know?
05:44- I tell you what, all them birds are in it
05:47for a start, look.
05:48- That's a shred move on your part Rodney.
05:51You're the writer, Mickey's the director.
05:53So he gets the casting couch and you get the Biro!
06:19- 'Ey up there, here you are Oscar, quick, mind out.
06:23I've got a present for you.
06:24There y'are.
06:25- What is it?
06:27- Close your eyes.
06:28- Oh come on Del, what is it?
06:29- Now, come on, close yer eyes!
06:31- I bet Tom Stoppard don't have
06:33to put up with all this!
06:35- Alright, come on then open 'em.
06:38There you are, well?
06:43- Yes, it's a typewriter, innit?
06:45- You see that Albert, he recognized it straight away.
06:48That's the author in him!
06:50Well, come on Rodney, come on, let's get going boy.
06:53You'll soon have that old screenplay knocked out now
06:55won't you my son?
06:56Go on, there.
06:58- It's old isn't it?
07:00- They made stuff to last in them days.
07:02That is quality Rodney.
07:04Look at that crest, by royal appointment.
07:08- Oh yeah, Victoria Regina.
07:12- Well go'n.
07:13- What?
07:14- You know, try it.
07:20- It's very faint Del, innit?
07:21- Well you gotta hit it harder than that Rodney
07:23Have another go.
07:27- It's still faint.
07:28- Well, you've gotta give it a good whack haven't ya.
07:30Here, I'll show ya, look.
07:33There y'are, there y'are,
07:34that's a bit better innit, look.
07:36- Yeah that's great, thanks a lot.
07:37- Right, away you go then.
07:40- Away I go what?
07:41- Well, you know, you know, start the old typing.
07:42- Yeah, be creative.
07:44- Be creat--
07:45I can't just be creative at the drop of a hat can I?
07:48There are certain things a writer needs before
07:50he can actually start writing.
07:53Like a story.
07:55- You ain't even got a story?
07:57- Not exactly, I've only been trying
07:58for a couple of days, ain't I?
08:00- Listen, I've got an idea for a story
08:02and it's a bloody good 'un an' all!
08:03D'you wanna hear it?
08:04- No, not really Del.
08:05- Oh that's charming innit?
08:07You buy him a brand new typewriter and come up with
08:09a story for him, and what thanks d'you get?
08:11- I'll tell you what thanks get Albert,
08:14no sodding thanks, that's the thanks I get!
08:17-[Rodney] Alright, tell me yer story then.
08:19- No, no, don't bother yourself Rodney, please.
08:21I was only tryin' to help you!
08:22- Oh now, come on, honestly Del,
08:24seriously, I'd like to hear your story.
08:26Well, I need a bit of help, don't I?
08:32- Right, okay, now this is a
08:35Jaws-type story.
08:37- Jaws?
08:37Jaws has been done though.
08:39- I know it's been done, but this is different.
08:40It's called There's a Rhino Loose in the City.
08:48- There's a Rhi--
08:51Loose In the--
08:53As in rhinoceros?
08:55- That's right.
08:56There's a Rhino Loose in the City!
08:58- What's it about Del?
09:03- Well, it's about, you see this rhinoceros right,
09:06escapes from the zoo and it heads straight for London.
09:08And after two or three days they find like
09:10all these dead bodies lying about
09:12and no one knows who's done it.
09:14So, they get hold of this private detective,
09:16you know like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer
09:19to try and solve the crime.
09:21Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman.
09:24Before you know where you are, old Charlton
09:27is giving the sort what for,
09:28so that's yer romantic interest!
09:32- A rhinoceros?
09:34- Yeah, but they don't know it's missing!
09:37- But how can you not know?
09:39If you've got a rhinoceros right and one day it ain't
09:41there, you tend to know it's missing!
09:45- Don't be a plonker all yer life, Rodney.
09:47She ain't got one rhinoceros, she probably
09:49like got two or three rhinoceroses!
09:52- And how's he escape?
09:53- Squeezes through the bars most probably.
09:56- Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney.
09:58I'm only trying to help you.
09:59- I don't believe this!
10:00Nobody knows it's escaped?
10:02What about the eight million people living in London?
10:04Don't none of them spot it?
10:06- Yeah!
10:07- Yeah, but the ones who spot it,
10:08they're the ones who get trampled to death!
10:10- And what about all the others?
10:12The people in offices, the people in cafes,
10:14the people sitting on top of buses!
10:16It's a rhino Del.
10:19- He only comes out at night!
10:23- What is it, a vampire rhino?
10:26- No it is not a vampire rhino.
10:28That is stupid that is, innit eh?
10:30- And where does he live during the day?
10:33- In a lock-up garage in a back street.
10:36- What, he's leasing it is he?
10:39- He's not leasing it.
10:40It's a disused garage in a back
10:42street where no one ever goes!
10:43The detective does find it, only it's at night.
10:47- And the rhino's gone out?
10:48- That's right see, so you see
10:50the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery.
10:53You see what it is Rodney,
10:54not only is it a love story, it's a whodunit!
10:57- An whodunit?
10:57What do you mean an whodunit?
10:59We know who-dun-it, the rhino done it!
11:03- Yes, I know that we, we the audience know that,
11:05but they don't know, the actors do they?
11:07- This is something.
11:08A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo.
11:11There are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints.
11:15There's a lockup garage two and half foot deep in
11:18rhinoceros crap and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!
11:28- I do admit there are one or two teething snags.
11:32But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it.
11:34I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings
11:36and a bit of humpty dumpty!
11:38I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!
11:40- Disaster?
11:41It's a calamity Del!
11:44- Why is he killing people?
11:45- Well, what d'you want him to be a social worker?
11:48Well, he's a man eater ain't he?
11:51- No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous.
11:54They're vegetarian.
11:57- Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him
12:00hide in the back of an health food shop.
12:04- And he won't head for the city neither.
12:06- But he's gotta head for the city
12:08so that he can kill lots of people.
12:09- Yeah that's right!
12:10- No, his natural habitat would be the open country.
12:16- Alright, so what are you suggesting?
12:19We call the film There's a Rhino Loose
12:21Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives?
12:25- You don't call the likes of Charlton Heston in
12:27'cos something's eating the carrots.
12:29I think it's a good idea Del.
12:30- Thank you very much Albert.
12:32- Yeah, well I'll pass.
12:33- Alright, alright, I just wanted to put an idea
12:37in your head, that was all.
12:39I wish it'd been a bleedin' bullet now!
12:41- Del, I've only got a small budget, ain't I?
12:44- But that's the beauty of it Rodney.
12:45I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap!
12:50Yeah, alright Chas, I'll knock out that
12:52stuff for you tomorrow night.
12:54Eh?
12:55Um, not sure whether we'll be wanting the rhino now.
12:59- We won't.
12:59- Listen I'll give you a bell tomorrow Chas.
13:01Tata mate.
13:06Oi Tony, come on, where's that grub?
13:08We've been waiting here half an hour.
13:10There's something I wanted to catch
13:11on the telly, the Epilogue.
13:16- Wha' you order?
13:17- Look I told you, two chicken
13:19and rice and one Spanish omelette.
13:21- Two chicken rice, one Spanish omelette.
13:23- Can't even speak the lingo can he?
13:27Well, how are you getting on with your story then?
13:29- Well I have the kernel of an idea.
13:31I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat.
13:33It's what writers call the gestation period.
13:36- And what do you call it?
13:37- Stop it, stop your winding up you.
13:40- And where's your director then, Rodney?
13:42- He's acquainting himself with
13:43the video camera and all the equipment.
13:45- Yeah, he's down the Town Hall filming a wedding.
13:50- What d'you mean he's down the Town Hall filming a wedding?
13:52- Well, well you see what happened was,
13:53I went down the Town Hall and around a the churches
13:56taking notes of the banns.
13:58Then I contacted the brides and asked them if they'd like
14:00their happiest day recorded on film for 50 quid a throw.
14:04- I don't believe you're doing this to me!
14:06- Well look Rodney, that Mickey Pearce
14:08has gotta practice with that camera ain't he?
14:10He's gotta work out how to focus it and all that.
14:13You know, why not earn while yer learn?
14:15That's what I say.
14:16Anyway, Boycie nicks all them tapes from Boycie,
14:18don't he, eh?
14:19- But Del, this is an opportunity for me
14:21and all you're doing is making money out of it!
14:23- It'll be alright because he's only got
14:26five or six weddings to do,
14:28two or three christenings and he's finished.
14:31- But that camera is council property!
14:33- Yeah, so is the Town Hall.
14:34- Yeah see, there you go!
14:36- You're just abusing the trust shown in me, ain't ya.
14:38- Will you shut up you tart!
14:40Look, here is your share.
14:42- I do not want it.
14:44- Oh well, please yourself.
14:47It goes back in the--
14:48- Alright, just this once!
14:49- Don't do me no favors Rodney!
14:51Will ya, eh?
14:52You've got a nerve.
14:52- Well, that's shut you up for
14:54a good while though innit Boycie!
14:55- I keep telling you Marlene,
14:56them doctors don't know everything!
14:57They're just a bunch of chancers that's all.
14:59Good afternoon, I phoned an order through earlier, Mr Boyce.
15:04- Oh yes, I go see.
15:05- Thank you.
15:06- All those bloody tests I've had.
15:07- And what about all the bloody tests I've--
15:08Oh, good afternoon Derek.
15:10I didn't realize you and your family were dining out.
15:13- Oh yes, I like to treat 'em once in a while,
15:15keeps the moral up don't it?
15:16Hello darling, (whistles) how are you?
15:18Hey, is my little godson in there yet?
15:20- No he ain't!
15:21And he ain't likely to be with him around.
15:24- Marlene.
15:25- Marlene bloody nuffing!
15:26All these years you've said it
15:27was my fault we couldn't have kids!
15:30They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with me,
15:32it's him.
15:34- Ain't it bleedin' fair eh?
15:36- What's the matter then Boycie?
15:38You ain't a noofter are you?
15:40- See that you've started now, Marlene?
15:43Even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss
15:44this outside the confines of the laboratory.
15:46And you're holding a public debate in a Chinese take-away.
15:50- He's got what the doctors call a low count.
15:54- Don't want to buy a calculator do you Boyce?
15:58- What's it mean?
15:59- Nothing!
16:00- It means he's been firing more blanks
16:02than the Territorials!
16:07- You happy now Marlene?
16:09- My Boyce, prawn balls?
16:11- Yes thank--
16:14Yes, thank you very much.
16:18- It's our anniversary next Friday.
16:2020 years, Gawd, that's something to celebrate innit?
16:23Anyway, we've hired the pub and you're all invited.
16:26- Oh lovely, we'll be there sweetheart.
16:28- Well, come along then Marlene.
16:30- Yeah alright,
16:32oh Rodney is that right you're making a film?
16:35You know I used to act a bit when I was younger.
16:40Actually someone once said that I had
16:41a promising career in films.
16:44- Yeah, then talkies come along and ruined it.
16:47Let's go Marlene.
16:49- Tata Marlene.
16:50Bye bye Boycie.
16:56What about that then?
16:58Old Boycie being a Jaffa.
17:00- A Jaffa?
17:01- Yeah, you know, seedless!
17:08- I could use Boycie's problem
17:09as a theme for my film couldn't I?
17:11Because that hospital they attend right,
17:13that's one of the leading centers for genetic research,
17:16artificial insemination and all that.
17:18That's quite interesting.
17:19- Oh yeah, on the edge of yer seat stuff that innit yeah?
17:22Have you thought any more about the rhino story?
17:24- Del, I am not doing a film about
17:26a blood-sucking rhino and a divvy detective!
17:28No, that hospital interests me though.
17:31- I don't reckon they should be allowed to do it,
17:33freezing things and all that.
17:34They're messing around with nature.
17:36- No, they're not messing around with nature are they?
17:38They're assisting nature.
17:40See, 'cos they only freeze the ova,
17:42or eggs, right, until they are ready
17:44to be fertilized, right, and then they get the egg
17:48and well they sort of mix it--
17:51There's this geezer--
17:52- Oi, oi, I've ordered an omelette 'ere.
17:54- Yeah, yeah.
17:56Do you know what I reckon, in a few years time,
17:57young married couples wanting to start a family,
17:59they won't go to the doctors,
18:01they'll nip down the road to Bejams!
18:16Everything alright Rodney?
18:18- No, the T and the A are missing.
18:21- Well it's no problem is it?
18:23- Well it is if you wanna write words like at.
18:25- You'll find a way round it,
18:27I've got faith in you, I really have.
18:29Anyway, how are you coming on?
18:30Can I have a read, or something?
18:31- No you can't, it ain't finished yet.
18:33- Oh alright.
18:33What's this, just a minute.
18:35What's this red mark up here on the top?
18:37Is that something technical is it?
18:38- No, one of my fingers started bleeding!
18:41- Never mind, never mind you'll be alright.
18:43Hey, I tell you what, your movie ain't
18:44half caused a stir round here.
18:46You'd be surprised how many actors
18:48and actresses live locally.
18:49I don't mean, you know, like professionals,
18:51I mean a lot of new, fresh, untapped talent!
18:54There, I made a list for you, there you are.
19:00- You're not suggesting I use
19:01all these people in my film?
19:03- Just extras Rodney, just extras.
19:05Never mind the quantity think about the quality.
19:07- I'm thinking about the money Del!
19:10- I did say, well a tenner a day.
19:12- I can't afford to pay 'em a tenner a day!
19:13- No, they pay us a tenner a day.
19:16- You're just exploiting people again ain't ya?
19:18- No I am not Rodney.
19:19Look, I've given 'em your word now.
19:21-[Rodney] Well you had no right to!
19:23- Alright here's your share.
19:26Alright, there you go, look.
19:29- And they're just extras?
19:31- Just extras, that's all.
19:33By the way, there's a list here
19:35of local businesses you might like to mention.
19:42- The Seventh Heaven Sauna Parlor?
19:45- Yeah, just a mention, something like,
19:47the nice relaxing atmosphere, nice and friendly service.
19:49You know what I mean?
19:50Oh, is the undertaker's down there?
19:53- No.
19:54- Oh well bear it in mind, will ya?
19:56- Del, why are you doing this to me?
19:58I had high hopes when I started this project!
20:01Mr. Stevens said if it was good
20:02enough he'd show it at the National Film Theater.
20:05- What's the matter with you,
20:06you're earning ain't yer?
20:08Look, Rodney listen I've gotta shoot,
20:10I've got another client to meet.
20:11It might mean another booking.
20:13'Ere, talking about that, what is a natural birth?
20:17Never mind, I'll find out myself.
20:21Albert, d'you wanna lift?
20:23- Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute son.
20:24- Well come on, come on shift yourself I ain't got
20:26all night you know.
20:28See you later.
20:30- Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
20:32- Alright, listen, I might have another booking
20:33for you later on.
20:34I'll give you a bell, alright?
20:36Alright Rodney?
20:37No it's not alright.
20:39This is getting out of hand, look.
20:42- What is it, a petition?
20:43- No, that's our cast list!
20:45And this is a list of all the shops
20:46and businesses we've gotta advertise.
20:49- He forgot the undertakers!
20:51- You mean you knew about it?
20:53- Well it's good business Rodney!
20:55- Right, I'm off out now Rodney.
20:56(doorbell rings)
20:58I'll get it.
20:59- Look it's gotta stop Mickey!
21:00We're just promoting shops and businesses, ain't we?
21:03We've got more extras than Ben Hur here.
21:05- Watcha' babe.
21:09This is Amanda.
21:11- It's a what?
21:13- Amanda.
21:14I'm taking her out for a drink tonight so I
21:15asked her round here so you could make her a nice
21:18cup of coffee.
21:18Alright Rodney?
21:20- Yeah, okay.
21:32D'you take sugar?
21:33- Two please.
21:38- Mickey, could I have a moment of your time please.
21:40-[Mickey] What's up?
21:42- Why is she wearing a nurse's uniform?
21:44- She's just come off duty!
21:46- Oh yeah, you must think I've
21:47just come off a banana boat.
21:48What are yer playing at?
21:50- Look, I've been delivering these films for Boycie ain't I,
21:52so I know where I can sell 'em.
21:54We've got all this equipment, why waste it?
21:56We can cut the middle-man out.
21:58- I'd like to cut your liver out.
22:00You are not making any films in this flat.
22:03You understand?
22:04Both of ya?
22:05- Alright Rodney, no need to get out yer pram about it.
22:07- All right, you sit down.
22:09I'll make you a cup of coffee
22:10then you can both hit the road.
22:16What is happening?
22:17What the bloody hell is happening?
22:19I've got a cast of thousands,
22:21I've got more advertising than Pearl and Dean
22:23and now Mickey wants to make Emmanuelle in Peckham.
22:26Oh, this is a bloody nightmare.
22:30Now Rodney, Rodney calm down.
22:32Calm down.
22:34Deep breaths, nice and easy does it.
22:37-[Mickey] Night Nurse Take One.
22:41- Night Nurse Take One?
22:43-[Mickey] That's the way baby.
22:45Let it slip to the ground.
22:47- Mickey, you better not be doing-
22:50Oh no Mickey.
22:51No, get her to put 'em back!
22:54Oh bloody hell!
22:57- Hold 'em up.
22:59That's it.
23:01Move 'em about a bit.
23:04-[Amanda] Oh come on, hurry up Mickey love.
23:05He don't like smiling for too long.
23:09- Okay everybody, that's a wrap.
23:11- I wasn't ready for that one.
23:14- Happy anniversary dear.
23:16- Oi, vicar get a move on.
23:18We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes.
23:20- Yes, I'll be with you in just a moment, Mickey.
23:23- Alright, I'll wait for you down the church then.
23:25Alright Rodney?
23:26- Shut up!
23:27- Please yourself!
23:28- Here we go Rodney, my son,
23:30there is your share, alright?
23:32- I don't like this Del, you know I don't like this.
23:35- I know, I know, I know.
23:36- Here Del, we're slipping out to the back room.
23:38- Alright, good Mike, yeah.
23:39- Hi Rodney.
23:40- Alright Mike.
23:41- Of all the bars in all the world
23:43and you had to walk into mine.
23:44- You're in my film as well Mike are ya?
23:46- Yeah, just a little cameo role, son.
23:48I'll see you in a minute.
23:49Come on Del.
23:50- Coming, coming, coming.
23:52Come on in, Albert.
23:54- It all seems to be going rather well.
23:57- Oh yeah, it's really nice innit, vicar?
23:59- I married the happy couple all those years ago.
24:02Of course, I had hoped by now
24:04that the good lord would have blessed their union
24:06with an offspring or two.
24:08But if it's not to be--
24:10- Well I heard that because of
24:11the precarious state of the world,
24:13Boycie and Marlene had decided against starting a family.
24:16- Oh really?
24:18I heard that Boycie was a Jaffa.
24:23Tell me, is it true that you're making a film, Rodney?
24:27- Oh yeah, we got an Arts Council grant.
24:29- Well, I was talking with Derek earlier-
24:32- I'll give you a bell when we start shooting vicar.
24:35- Thank you my boy.
24:37- Alright, then yes everyone got a drink have they?
24:38- Even the vicar's in on it Del.
24:41- What you want to drink?
24:42- Give us a beer.
24:43- Here, go on then my son.
24:44- Watcha Dave.
24:45- Alright Trigger.
24:46- You dirty rat!
24:47- Oh, this is getting bloody stupid.
24:50- Alright gentlemen, would you like to settle down.
24:52If you'd like to take your seats.
24:53- Come on, here we go.
24:57- Right now, the Boycie Video and Leisure Arts Company
25:01is proud to present the British premiere
25:04of Night Nurse
25:08from the novel by Enid Blyton.
25:11(group chatters)
25:17- Oh, that's a bit unexpected innit?
25:19- Here look at that one.
25:20I've got no sympathy for her, look.
25:21- No, no, Del that's gotta be special effects.
25:24- No that's real.
25:27Now shut up, it's starting proper now.
25:30- Where do they get these grotty flats to film in?
25:35- 'Ere I've seen that bird before somewhere.
25:42- Go on girl, let's have a look.
25:44Oh dear, I am tired I've just come back from nursing.
25:56- One of those would do me a week.
25:57(laughs)
26:00- Hello, she's got her ear muffs off now.
26:12Rodney!
26:15- It was nothing to do with me Del.
26:17It was a Mickey Pearce production!
26:18- Mickey Pearce, you wait till I get hold of him.
26:20I'm 'gonna stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril!
26:24Rodney, didn't you have any idea
26:25what you were getting yourself into?
26:27- I thought Boycie wouldn't be too pleased you know,
26:28someone muscling in on his business and that.
26:31- God, Boycie.
26:33Boycie's not the one that worries me.
26:34It's his partners that are giving me grief.
26:36D'you know who's backing him behind this,
26:38only the Driscoll Brothers that's all.
26:40Have you heard of 'em?
26:42- No.
26:42- No, well let's hope they haven't heard of you.
26:44Now I'm gonna see if I can save your knees and make
26:47sure they stay in the same place.
26:49Now I'm gonna' stuff this right down the khazi,
26:50you stay there.
26:51- Del, I promise nothing like this will ever happen again,
26:54I promise.
26:57- Hello Rodney?
26:58Alright for a cup of coffee?
26:59- Oh yes, do come in Mickey.
27:02- I brought a few friends with me.
27:05- Pearcie, I want a ruddy word with you.
27:10(telephone rings)
27:18- Hello?
27:20Oh Mr. Stevens, hi!
27:22Yeah, yeah and have you had a chance to read it?
27:26Great.
27:27Well what do you think?
27:29And please be truthfully blunt with me.
27:31Okay, yeah,
27:37ah ha.
27:39Yes well that's truthfully blunt innit Mr. Stevens.
27:43Yes, there are a lot of characters in it, yes,
27:45but all vital to the theme I thought.
27:48Yeah well, I actually wanted to write a film
27:51that not only dealt with the contemporary issues
27:54but also challenged some of the more widely held
27:56beliefs of modern youth.
28:00No, that is no problem because my brother
28:01knows where he can get us a rhino, yeah!
28:05(applause)
28:10♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
28:12♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
28:13♫ TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's
28:16♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
28:18♫ And at a push
28:19♫ Some Trevor Francis track-suits
28:21♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush,
28:23♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
28:25♫ No income tax, no VAT
28:28♫ No money back, no guarantee
28:32♫ Black or white, rich or broke
28:34♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
28:39♫ God bless Hooky Street
28:42♫ Viva Hooky Street
28:45♫ Long live Hooky Street
28:48♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
28:52♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
28:56♫ Hooky Street