Only Fools and Horses S05E06 — Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

Every line from “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” (800 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:33♫ La la la la la la la la la
00:41(piano music)
00:46- Ah yes, we'll have two sirloin steaks,
00:48thank you Michael.
00:49- Make 'em big 'uns mate.
00:50- Yes that's right, as Jumbo says, make 'em big 'uns.
00:54Sauté potatoes, a selection of greens
00:57and put the whole thing put on my account will you Michael.
01:00- What account?
01:02- (laughing) What account!
01:05See what I mean Jumbo,
01:06the old place hasn't lost its sense of humor.
01:09- Well, I wouldn't laugh if a barman made a berk of me.
01:12- Barman!
01:12Now just you listen here pal.
01:13- Michael, Jumbo did not mean any offense.
01:18Shall we sit down over here?
01:20- Hey mate.
01:21Did you know this pub hasn't got a music license?
01:24Still, as long as it's him playing
01:26there's no problem, hey?
01:27(Boycie laughs)
01:30- Who's the big-mouth Aussie, Mike?
01:32- Oh him, he's no Australian,
01:33he used to be a local lad, didn't he, then he emigrated.
01:35- That was a bit of luck weren't it?
01:36- Yeah.
01:38- So what's he doing back?
01:39- I dunno, buying cars off Boycie or something.
01:42- Oi, there you are, you mucky old sod.
01:44Listen, have you seen the state of my
01:46Persian rug back at the flat?
01:48You run the old J Edgar over it as soon as you get back.
01:50Cor blimey, should see it.
01:52Give me, give me a Manhattan will you Mike,
01:54a small rum for him.
01:55Spit in the rum.
01:57- Where's Rodney?
01:58- Rodney, I left him down clearing up the market.
02:00- 'Ere, some mush just had a go at me.
02:02- Had a go at you?
02:03Who had a go at you, where?
02:05- Him! Took the mickey out of my piano playing.
02:07- Well, you ought to be used to that now Albert.
02:10I'll sort him out, you stay here.
02:11I'll sort you out an' all, later.
02:12Right 'ere, excuse me pal.
02:15I don't believe it!
02:16I don't believe it!
02:17Jumbo bloody Mills!
02:19Who let you back in the country?
02:20- Oh, look at this will yer!
02:22Talk about a bad penny.
02:24Del Boy, how you doin' mate?
02:25- I'm all right mate, all right my son.
02:27You are looking double well.
02:29- That's 'cos I live in a healthy country.
02:30No fog or frost in Oz, mate.
02:32- It's great, it suits you, it suits you.
02:34Look at all that!
02:35So tell me, what are you doing back home, eh?
02:37- Derek, Jumbo and I are having a business meeting.
02:41It's all rather confidential.
02:43- I've no secrets from Del.
02:44Me and him were partners back in the sixties.
02:46- That's right, that's right.
02:47We used to have a fish stall
02:48right outside the pub 'ere, didn't we?
02:50- Yes, I remember.
02:52- Cor, those were the days, eh.
02:53Those were the days.
02:55How long you back home for anyway?
02:56- Well, just a week or so.
02:57In fact, I'm just here to
02:58finalize a deal with Boycie,
03:00take in a bit of sightseeing.
03:01I wish to God I hadn't bothered.
03:03This country has become a cesspit Del.
03:06- You're right there Jumbo.
03:08- A cesspit.
03:09What do you mean, cesspit?
03:10- You could find cleaner places in an Abbo's armpit.
03:12(all laughing)
03:17- I tell you what though Jumbo.
03:18You can't tell that's a wig.
03:20(audience laughing)
03:24- That's because it's not a wig.
03:25- Oh, do me a favor.
03:26You used to have curly hair, come on,
03:29that is a syrup innit?
03:32- Course it ain't a syrup.
03:35- Look, I've got a tenner here
03:36that says that is a syrup.
03:39- I have got a tenner here that says it ain't.
03:42- All right go on then, cover that then Boycie.
03:43Now listen, I tell you why I know that is,
03:46sorry, is that your change over there?
03:47- What?
03:48- Here we go.
03:51Thank you very much.
03:53- What the flamin' hell do you think you're playing at?
03:55- I don't believe you sometimes Del, here am I tryin'
03:57to clinch a business deal
04:00and you've just nicked my client's wig.
04:02- Well it was for a bet!
04:04You do understand don't you Jumbo?
04:05- No I bloody well don't!
04:07Jeez.
04:09You always liked embarrassing me didn't you?
04:11-[Del] No.
04:13- Look chaps, this is just a temporary condition.
04:16My doctors have assured me
04:18that my own hair will grow back, well, eventually.
04:23- Here you are gents.
04:24Where's the loud-mouthed Aussie gone?
04:28- Put the stuff on the table and leave us alone mate.
04:30- Now just a minute pal.
04:31- Mike, Mike, leave it, leave now, go on, no.
04:35He's a nice bloke, he really is a nice bloke.
04:37- Oh yeah, a typical Brit,
04:39the only thing that works is the mouth!
04:41(Boycie laughs)
04:48- Del, I'm trying to have a business meeting,
04:51do you mind?
04:52- All right, I'll tell you what.
04:53You enjoy your nosh, I'll see you later.
04:55- Yeah, I've gotta talk to you Del.
04:56- All right then, any time, any time.
04:58Okay, sorry.
04:59They want you over there.
05:00Thanks a lot, Boyce.
05:01Cheers, see you.
05:02(audience laughing)
05:03- He seems a nasty bit of work.
05:05- Who, Jumbo?
05:06No, that's just the way he is, that's all.
05:09He's got a heart of gold, that bloke.
05:10His trouble is
05:11that his mouth is always three seconds
05:12ahead of his brain.
05:13But, I tell you what, I tell you what,
05:15he is a diamond that bloke.
05:17He's never cheated me.
05:18He's as straight as a die.
05:20A real diamond.
05:21- The import and export licenses
05:23will be looked after by my people,
05:26they should only take a couple of weeks.
05:28- Yeah, yeah, look Boycie I'm sorry,
05:30but I can't concentrate without the toop.
05:32I feel naked.
05:33I'll just pop out to the gents and put it back.
05:35- Oh course Jumbo, I fully understand.
05:38- Oi, I want a word with you.
05:40What's the idea?
05:41- Oi Jumbo, no wait a minute.
05:42Listen, you remember that
05:44horrible little kid brother of mine?
05:45One with the funny hair cut, all snot and Marmite.
05:47- Yeah, I remember.
05:51It's him innit?
05:53You ain't changed a bit Rodney.
05:58- This is Jumbo Mills, remember him?
06:00- Nah.
06:01- Nah, of course you wouldn't,
06:02you were only a little sprog
06:03when he emigrated to Australia.
06:04But look he done well for himself, ain't he, eh?
06:06Look.
06:07- You can say that again mate.
06:08The best thing that I ever did
06:08was getting out of this dump.
06:10'Course now, I'm a major shareholder in an
06:12office cleaning company.
06:13Got a chain of fast-food restaurants
06:15and I'm just going into the automobile trade.
06:17Last year, Del, I bought this apartment
06:20overlooking Sydney Harbor.
06:21Half a million dollars.
06:23Architect-designed interior
06:25right down to the mirrored ceiling in the bedroom.
06:28- Mirrored ceiling!
06:29- Oh, kinky.
06:31- No, no, it's purely decorational.
06:33I mean, I wouldn't use it for anything like well, like that.
06:39- Well, you wouldn't use it to comb your hair, would you.
06:41(audience laughing)
06:45- You think I'm bald don't you?
06:48- Well, it had crossed my mind.
06:51- Well, I'm not.
06:53- Well, that's a hell of a parting you've got there son.
06:55(audience laughing)
06:57- What I mean is I am not naturally bald.
07:01- Ah, you mean you pay someone to do that?
07:05- What I mean, Rodney, is that this
07:07is the result of a nervous disorder,
07:10and my doctors have assured me that
07:12me own hair will grow back at any time now.
07:15- Trouble is that they told him that 15 years ago!
07:18- No, listen, he don't mean it.
07:19He's only winding you up.
07:19- All right Del, I'll see you about eight o'clock.
07:21- All right mate, see you later.
07:22Come on then Rodney, Albert,
07:23drink up we've got work to do.
07:25Did you clear up down the market?
07:26- Yes I did.
07:26That's what I wanna talk to you about.
07:28How long have I been a rubbish clearer?
07:30You never told me I got promoted.
07:32And that weren't even our rubbish, Del,
07:34that come off Harry Dando's fruit and veg stall.
07:36- I know it did, well listen Rodney.
07:38Harry's, well, an old man now,
07:40he's getting on, he's got arthritis
07:42and a touch of the ol' rheumatism.
07:44You know, if I can help somebody as I go along my way,
07:47my living will not have been in vain.
07:49That is my motto.
07:51- How much did he pay you?
07:52- A fiver.
07:53So you want two quid then don't you?
07:55- No I don't.
07:55I want two fifty. - See ya Del.
07:57Oi, when that doctor said
07:58your hair could grow back anytime now,
08:00he weren't kidding was he.
08:09- So anyway, listen, he said
08:11"for a moment there I thought you were
08:12'hissing my performance."
08:13(both laughing)
08:14- Hello Del, all right?
08:15- All right yeah.
08:16Listen, give me a banana daiquiri for um, moi
08:19and Australian lager for Jumbo.
08:21All right. - Please.
08:22- I only sell British lager, Del.
08:24You know, Kronenborg, Hofmeister, stuff like that.
08:27- Well, give us one of them then, that's all right, fine.
08:29- So how's life treating you Del?
08:30- I'm all right, not complaining, not complaining.
08:32- I take it you never did become that millionaire
08:34you were always talking about?
08:35- Well, no, no, not yet, you know.
08:37- "This time next year I'll be a millionaire."
08:40Do you know those were
08:41the last words you said to me
08:42just before I emigrated?
08:43Trouble is that was 1967!
08:46- Well, you know there's still time, still time.
08:50Thank you Michael.
08:52Thank you, cheers.
08:52- Do you believe that Del?
08:55I mean, do you truly believe it?
08:59- Yeah, course I do, yeah.
09:01- You should have come with me Del.
09:02You're wasted here.
09:03This country's finished, it's old, decrepit.
09:06- Yeah, all right, it's my country
09:07so stop having a pop at it will ya?
09:09- The stench of defeat's everywhere.
09:11- All right, so it's British stench
09:12and I happen to be proud of it.
09:13All right?
09:14- The old place has got no guts any more.
09:16- That's funny that is Jumbo,
09:18someone else said that a little while ago.
09:19A little jumped-up general from Buenos Aires.
09:22And if you're not careful
09:23you'll get what the Argies got,
09:24a good smack in the eye.
09:25All Right?
09:26- Now hold on mate, hold on.
09:28I didn't mean to offend you.
09:30Nah, I'm just tryin' to point out a few facts,
09:33that is all.
09:34- All right mate, leave it at that then.
09:35- Do you remember when our business broke up
09:38and I decided to emigrate?
09:40Well, if it hadn't been for you Del,
09:41I'd have gone to Australia potless.
09:43You gave me your last two hundred pound.
09:46- I told you to forget it,
09:47forget it, didn't I?
09:48- Well I never did forget it mate.
09:49No, even when times were hard
09:51I used to lay in bed at night and think to myself
09:53I'm gonna pay Del back, with interest!
09:56And now I am.
09:58I want us to reform our old partnership.
10:01- What, get another fish stall?
10:03(audience laughing)
10:05- No, no, no, no.
10:06You see, I'm starting up this business.
10:08I'm gonna import prestige European motors,
10:11like Rollers, Mercs, that kind of thing.
10:14I want you to come to Australia as my partner.
10:19I want you to front the business Del Boy,
10:21I want you to deal with the public,
10:23give 'em that old razzamatazz like you used to.
10:26- Australia?
10:27- Well, I've got the money,
10:28I've got the site
10:29and thanks to my little deal with Boycie,
10:30I've got the motors.
10:32All I need is you.
10:34- Well, I dunno.
10:35Australia, it ain't half a long way away off innit, eh?
10:37- They'd love you over there, they've got no class.
10:41(audience laughing)
10:43- What?
10:45- No, what I mean is they've got no class structure
10:47like they have here in England.
10:48- Oh I see what you mean.
10:49- Over there it doesn't matter how you talk.
10:51You see, in Oz, a bloke's just a bloke.
10:53- Yeah but, cor blimey,
10:55that'll cost a fortune to get over there, won't it eh?
10:57- I'm paying.
10:59- No, no, I couldn't, I got no trade or nothing.
11:02You know, they wouldn't accept me, would they?
11:04- You've got better than that.
11:05You've got a full partnership in a growing company.
11:08Derek, this time next year
11:11you will be that millionaire!
11:14- No, no, you know, I've got family ties
11:17and all that ain't I?
11:18- Bring 'em with you.
11:19Put young Rodney on the pay roll.
11:22- Well, he has got two GCEs.
11:24(audience laughing)
11:26- That doesn't matter, we'll find something for him to do.
11:29(audience laughing)
11:31- Well, no, no Jumbo.
11:32You gotta remember we didn't half
11:34used to row a lot didn't we?
11:35- So we'll still row.
11:38Our biggest argument will be
11:40who's got the most millions.
11:43So what do you say Del Boy,
11:44are we gonna do it or ain't we?
11:49- All right, put it there, you old bastard,
11:52you're in for a fast ride.
11:53Let's do it, let's do it!
11:54Michael, Michael, please a bottle of champagne
11:57for my partner and me.
11:59And make it the best champagne.
12:00A bottle of that Dillingers 75.
12:05That's Prince Charles's favorite champagne that.
12:08- No, that's Bollingers.
12:09- It's bloody true I'm telling you.
12:11(audience laughing)
12:24- They're not at it again in Brixton are they?
12:26(audience laughing)
12:29- This is the blitz of London.
12:31I was there.
12:32- Rodney, Rodney, Rodney, (laughing)
12:36we're going to Australia!
12:38- I'll just see the end of this first.
12:42- Good boy, good boy, nah, nah.
12:44Listen, I'll get the glasses.
12:45♫'Sunrise, she come in the morning
12:48♫ Sunrise, come every morning,
12:51♫ Lighting up the ground all around
12:56- I think you've had enough, don't you?
12:58- Yeah well, I'm celebrating ain't I?
12:59It's not every day like you decide
13:01to go to Australia, is it?
13:03Go on.
13:03- I tell you what,
13:04I'll make you a nice cup of black coffee.
13:05- No, you don't understand.
13:06We're going to Australia!
13:08- What do you mean we're going to Australia?
13:10- Well listen, I met, this boy.
13:11What's the matter with this boy?
13:12Don't he understand?
13:13Let me put it another way, right.
13:15We are going to Australia.
13:17See what happened, Jumbo,
13:19Jumbo, he's offered me a partnership
13:21in his company, his new company,
13:23and it's gonna be a real big earner, Rodney.
13:26This time next year we will be millionaires.
13:28Right, first thing in the morning
13:29we're going up Australia House,
13:31right and we signing the forms and you know,
13:33we're away, we're away.
13:35- Don't I have any say in this?
13:36I might not wanna go to Australia.
13:39- It's too late, it's too late now,
13:40I've given him your word, you see.
13:42- Well, I want time to think about this.
13:44- You don't have to do that,
13:45I've done all that for you.
13:47Just think Rodney, eh, Australia,
13:49where the men are men, eh.
13:51- And so are the women.
13:52(audience laughing)
13:56- What's that supposed to mean?
13:58- Last time I was over there
13:59the only way you could tell the sexes
14:01were the men spit further.
14:04- All right, when was the last time?
14:05When was the last time you were over there?
14:06- 1929.
14:08- 1929.
14:09Cor blimey, we were still transporting prisoners
14:12over there then, weren't we?
14:15Never mind, listen, I want
14:16to explain something to you.
14:17Come here, come here, come here.
14:17Look Rodney, I've got,
14:19look, Jumbo borrowed me some of his photos.
14:22I want you to have a look at them.
14:24Look at that beach.
14:25- Oh yeah, look at that bird.
14:28- Oh yeah, that'd bruise your ribs wouldn't it.
14:31Hey Rodney, that could be us in a little while.
14:33Blue skies, surfing,
14:35beach parties, all that, eh?
14:37What'd you reckon?
14:38- It sounds great.
14:40And he wants us to help run his new car business?
14:42- No, no, no.
14:43Not help run it.
14:44No, no, no, I'm gonna be a partner, aren't I.
14:47Straight down the middle,
14:48see Jumbo he's gonna have 51% of the shares you see.
14:52- Well how's that straight down the middle then?
14:54- Well I'll get 51% of the shares an' all, I suppose.
14:59The thing is Jumbo's gonna
15:01be behind the scenes like,
15:02he's gonna handle all the money like,
15:04and I'm gonna be the sales director.
15:05I'm gonna have my own executive office,
15:08and a swivel chair and all that game, see.
15:10- So what's my job?
15:11- Ah, now Rodney, listen,
15:12you're gonna play a very vital role
15:13in the organization,
15:14and I know, I just know that you can handle it.
15:16- So what is it?
15:18- Well you know when all those
15:19Rolls Royces and Mercs,
15:20they come trundling off the ship,
15:21what is the first thing they're gonna need?
15:24- Import licenses, customs clearance, all that.
15:27- More important than that.
15:30- Re-registering,
15:31they gotta have new number plates
15:33and new log books and all that.
15:34- What are they gonna need even more than that?
15:39(audience laughing)
15:43Cleaning!
15:44(audience laughing)
15:47- Cleaning?
15:48- Yeah.
15:49- He's going 20,000 miles just to be a car cleaner?
15:53- No, he's not gonna be just a car cleaner.
15:57He's gonna be a prestige car cleaner.
16:00You know, he's gonna be in charge of it and all that.
16:01- I'll have staff working under me then?
16:04- Eventually, yeah.
16:06I mean this is a growing business, Rodney,
16:08and in a year from now
16:09I can't afford to have you down there
16:11with your mutton cloth and your T cut.
16:12I've got to have you with me up in the boardroom,
16:14and you'll have your own in-car celluloid phone.
16:19- And a secretary?
16:20- Yeah, all that, you've got to have all that.
16:23- What about Albert, though?
16:24We got to find something for him to do.
16:25- Yeah, well I've worked it all out.
16:27- I wouldn't waste your time boys,
16:29'cause I'm not going.
16:32- Oi, come here Albert, what you mean not going?
16:36- Listen to me son.
16:37I've spent three-quarters of my life
16:39sailing round this world.
16:40Now, all I want is a place to sit down and stay there.
16:44When I come to live with you two I hoped
16:46that I would end my days here.
16:48- Yeah, well so did we.
16:49(audience laughing)
16:51But, I mean, this is a great opportunity for us Unc.
16:53- Yeah.
16:54- It's a young man's opportunity Rodney.
16:57I'll be all right here on my own.
17:01- All right, if that's what you really want Unc.
17:04- Yeah.
17:06- Listen, I'll make sure you're alright for a few bob.
17:10- Yeah, you're a good boy Del.
17:18- Hey Del, we'll be getting away from all this, won't we?
17:20All the fumes and the squalor.
17:22- Yeah, get rid of,
17:23it's goodbye to all that and hello to clean air,
17:26good living.
17:27- That is a point, where are we gonna live?
17:29- Jumbo said that we could have his apartment for a while.
17:31- What, not on Sydney Harbor?
17:32- Yeah that's the one.
17:33It'll be like living on another planet.
17:37- Erm, Del.
17:38- Yes Rodney, you can have the room with the mirror ceiling.
17:41(audience laughing)
17:45-[Albert] Well, what's it say?
17:46- I've been accepted.
17:47I've been accepted!
17:47- Well, thank God for that.
17:49- Yeah, I've had this feeling you know.
17:51Everything's been going so well
17:52I thought something's bound to go wrong, ain't it?
17:54- No boy, you're home and dry.
17:57I've got this feeling as well.
17:58I think this is the chance that's gonna change your life.
18:02- Yeah, I'm gonna make it this time Albert.
18:04You bloody see if I don't!
18:07- All right?
18:08- Yeah!
18:09Aw, terrific Rodders, terrific.
18:10Look, I've had a letter,
18:11I've been accepted ain't I?
18:12- Aw great.
18:13- Yeah.
18:15What's a matter?
18:16- Nothing, nothing's the matter.
18:18- Oi, you ain't getting homesick already are you?
18:20(laughing) - No!
18:23I got a letter this morning as well.
18:25-[Del] Yeah, yeah.
18:27- They've refused me an immigration visa.
18:30They've turned me down.
18:33Sorry mate.
18:35- But why Rodney?
18:36I mean you're young.
18:38- And you've got the GCEs.
18:40- Also I've got a criminal record
18:42for an offense involving drugs.
18:45- Yeah, but, I mean, bloody hell!
18:46That was years ago
18:47and you only took one bloody puff!
18:49- Yeah I know, but it don't say that
18:50on your file does it.
18:51It just says
18:53found guilty for the illegal use of drugs.
18:57I'm sorry mate,
18:58I'm really sorry.
18:59I've messed it all up for you now ain't I?
19:02- No you ain't bruv, no you ain't.
19:03- Yes I have, I have ain't I,
19:05I've blown your big chance.
19:06- No you haven't,
19:07there is a way round Rodney.
19:09There's always a way round it.
19:12- Really?
19:13- Yeah, don't worry Rodney.
19:16I'll find another car cleaner.
19:18(audience laughing)
19:23- You're still going?
19:25- Hey?
19:27- You're gonna go without me?
19:29- I've got to, I mean,
19:30I've got a partnership waiting for me over there.
19:32- But what about our partnership?
19:34- Our partnership?
19:34Oh, our partnership.
19:36Yeah, well you know that means all the world to me Rodney,
19:40you know that,
19:41but I'm just gonna have to say bonjour to it.
19:44- Look boys, I know it's none of my business.
19:46- You're spot on Albert.
19:50- I'll make a toast, son.
19:56- Look Rodney, this is my golden opportunity
19:59to fulfill my potential, right?
20:02What do you want me to do eh?
20:04Stay here, flogging all this rubbish.
20:07I've got 24 computers here that don't work,
20:10I've got a near-Persian rug that's got
20:12more food on it than a menu.
20:15- What about last year when I had a golden opportunity
20:20you forced me to give it up didn't you?
20:22You give me all that cobblers
20:23about loyalty and family ties.
20:25- Yeah but you wanted to be a window cleaner, didn't you?
20:28It's hardly the end of the rainbow stuff that, was it?
20:31- Yeah, well I'd have had my own business.
20:32- I know Rodney, but you will have your own business
20:34because as soon as I step on that airplane
20:36you will become the sole proprietor
20:38of Trotters Independent Traders.
20:41- And what exactly am I supposed to trade with?
20:44- Well, at least you've got 24
20:46beautiful looking computers, haven't you,
20:49and this sort of Persian rug, not bad,
20:53you sloosh it over with a J cloth
20:54and it's a real goer.
20:56I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
20:57I'll tell you what I got.
20:59Here's my little black book right.
21:00Now I'm gonna give you that
21:01and that contains all the names
21:02and addresses of all my birds.
21:06- And this is my future.
21:0924 computers that don't compute,
21:11the only rug in the world with a sell-by date
21:14and a script to A Hundred and One Dalmatians.
21:15Thanks a lot!
21:16(audience laughing)
21:19- Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?
21:21- Sacrifice? For me?
21:23- Yes you, when dear Mum,
21:27God rest her soul,
21:28when she died.
21:30- Don't start that again.
21:31- When she died, who stood by you?
21:33- Yes, I remember that well.
21:36I was a little five-year-old
21:38stood in a damp graveyard
21:39wondering what the hole in the ground was for.
21:42I remember all the other people saying
21:44I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?
21:48But I had no need to fear, did I,
21:50'cause suddenly a vision appeared from beyond
21:52the silhouette of the gasworks.
21:55Is it a bird?
21:55Is it a plane?
21:57No, it's Del Boy!
21:59Da da da daa!
22:02I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif.
22:06I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy.
22:11He will sell iffy watches
22:12from old suitcases on street corners.
22:16And I will also teach him how to drive
22:18a three-wheeled van while pissed out of his skull.
22:20(audience laughing)
22:27- And I did, didn't I?
22:31- Yeah, you made a bloody good job of it too.
22:35Just think Del,
22:36so far I'm your only success!
22:39That says a lot for the two of us, don't it?
22:41- Rodney, Rodders, listen,
22:45I'm gonna make a fortune over there,
22:48I'll send you money and all that.
22:49- You know what you can do with your money Del.
22:51- Rodney, look, I've gotta have a chance,
22:55I mean this country's going downhill fast, innit?
22:57- I know but I think the real
22:59opportunity lies right here.
23:03Del what happens when a country's in a depression, eh?
23:06Money gets tight, don't it?
23:08People can't afford to pay
23:09the inflated shop prices, so what do they do?
23:12They come to blokes like us don't they.
23:15I tell you, the more hard up Britain gets,
23:17the richer we'd become, eh?
23:23- This is my big chance Rodney.
23:27- Fine, well I'll see you around, sport!
23:40- Dipstick.
23:42I suppose you heard all that?
23:44- There are tugboat crews on the Thames
23:45heard it all.
23:47So what have we come to, eh?
23:49A family feud.
23:51You're like them Ewing brothers, Bobby and JR.
23:56- Yeah, I suppose I am a bit like that Bobby.
24:01I wouldn't have said Rodney was like that JR though.
24:04AJ Arthur, but not a JR!
24:06(audience laughing)
24:16- Rodney's late.
24:18- He's probably out getting smashed somewhere.
24:21Families, families, they're nothing
24:22but problems, are they Albert?
24:24- That's true son.
24:26Would you like my advice Del?
24:28- Yeah, why not.
24:28Go on, chuck your in your penny-worth.
24:30- You've gotta go son.
24:31If you don't take this chance
24:32you'll spend the rest of your life wondering
24:34what might have been.
24:35It's a kind of thing that will eat away at you.
24:39I know it'll be tough on young Rodney,
24:40but eventually he'll learn to stand on his two feet.
24:44In the long run, this could be the best thing
24:47for both of you.
24:50- Cheers Albert. - Yeah.
24:52- Thanks very much,
24:54perhaps one day you'll try explaining it to Rodney,
24:57for me, you know.
24:58You're better at it than me.
25:01- Yeah.
25:02I'm gonna phone Jumbo now,
25:03to tell him what time I'll be arriving.
25:07Let's see (mumbles).
25:17I tell you one thing, phoning Australia
25:19don't half hurt your finger.
25:23Hello Jumbo, it's Del Boy.
25:26Hey?
25:27Well with your money you ought to
25:28have a phone in the khazi!
25:31Now listen, a bit of a problem.
25:34Rodney won't be coming over.
25:36No, we've got a few snags this end see.
25:39Me?
25:41No, I won't be coming over either.
25:43Nah, you know, it's loyalties innit?
25:46Family ties, all that.
25:49I know what I am.
25:52I'm sorry mate, the whole deal's off.
25:54You know it makes sense.
25:57Anyway, thanks very much for the offer,
25:58you know, it was much appreciated.
26:03Yeah, I'll see you around pal, cheers.
26:07- Well, I'm glad my advice helped.
26:09(audience laughing)
26:14- Well, what else could I do, eh?
26:16I suppose it'll be for the best in the end.
26:18- Are you happy now son?
26:20- I dunno, in a way I suppose.
26:22It's like a big weight's been removed
26:24from my shoulders, I know that.
26:25- Well I suppose that's something.
26:27Well, see you in the morning son.
26:32Goodnight.
26:33- Yeah, night Unc.
26:45- All right?
26:46- Oh yeah, brill.
26:51- I owe you an apology Del.
26:54All them things I said earlier,
26:56I was right out of order,
26:57and you've gotta take that opportunity.
27:04- Nah, it's too late bruv.
27:05I've already phoned Jumbo
27:06to tell him the whole deal's off.
27:08- Aw, you ain't?
27:10Because of what I said?
27:12- Well, yeah, in a way Rodney,
27:14in a way, because you said
27:16the real opportunity lies here.
27:19You know the country's in a bad way, money's tight,
27:21people are looking for bargains
27:23and who do they turn to first, eh?
27:27- Blokes like us.
27:28- Blokes like us.
27:30You see I was sitting here and I thought to myself,
27:31I thought, no, Rodney has hit the old nail
27:33right on the head there.
27:35I thought, this wonderful land of ours
27:37is on the eve of a golden age
27:41of the black market.
27:43And you and me, you know we're gonna be in there first.
27:48I'm glad I listened to you Rodney,
27:49I really am, because if I'd have taken that
27:51chance of a lifetime it could have ruined me.
27:56- So we're still partners then?
27:59- Yeah if you'll have me back?
28:02- Oh well, let me sleep on it, eh?
28:04(audience laughing)
28:07- I'll smack you in the nose, you saucy sod.
28:11- Hey Del, this time next year, eh.
28:15- Yeah, this time next year, eh.
28:20- Well, I'll see you in the morning.
28:22- Yeah, see you in the morning.
28:27- Del? - Hm?
28:30- You know.
28:32- Yeah, I know bruv, goodnight.
28:43This time next year.
28:54♫ Who wants to be a millionaire
29:02(audience applauding)
29:07♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
29:09♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
29:10♫ TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's
29:13♫ Pool games, gold chains, wos'names
29:16♫ And at a push
29:17♫ Some Trevor Francis track-suites
29:18♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush,
29:20♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
29:23♫ No income tax, no VAT
29:25♫ No money back, no guarantee
29:29♫ Black or white, rich or broke
29:32♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
29:36♫ God bless Hooky Street
29:39♫ Viva Hooky Street
29:42♫ Long live Hooky Street
29:45♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
29:48♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
29:53♫ Hooky Street
29:56♫ Hooky Street