Only Fools and Horses S06E01 — Yuppy Love

Every line from “Yuppy Love” (1103 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:01(upbeat music)
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But heres the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la
00:35♫ La la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:45- That's the way, Rodney.
00:46Don't bother helping me get the tea ready,
00:48just carry on poncing about with that computer.
00:52- I am not poncing about with anything.
00:55In case it's slipped that senile, shrapnel cluttered
00:57brain of yours, I happen to be studying
01:00for a computer diploma course.
01:03- Oh I ain't forgotten, son.
01:04I remember you enrolling on a three month course,
01:07two years ago.
01:08(audience laughing)
01:09- It happens to be an extremely difficult exam.
01:12Well, you should know, you've failed it often enough.
01:13(audience laughing)
01:15- I have not failed.
01:17Well, in the popular sense of the word.
01:20It's just all the other students have an advantage over me.
01:23- Yeah, they all pass.
01:24(audience laughing)
01:27I mean, they are sent to the
01:28evening college by their companies.
01:31All day long they are working with computers,
01:33knocking out data and programs, ain't they?
01:36Whereas all day long I am working with a suitcase,
01:39knocking out disposable lighters and Turkish raincoats.
01:42(audience laughing)
01:43- But even if you get your diploma, what difference
01:45will that make to Trotters Independent Traders?
01:48- I am not doing it for Trotters Independent Traders,
01:51I'm doing it for me.
01:53This diploma could be my passport to freedom,
01:55a decent job, a future.
01:59I mean,
01:59I can't go on for the rest of my life
02:00messing about with this sort of junk, can I?
02:03Do you know what he wants me to do?
02:04He wants me to stand in a market flogging raincoats
02:07with dry clean only on the label.
02:09(audience laughing)
02:11Puts the punters right off.
02:13- The way Del was telling the other day,
02:14the futures' never looked more promising.
02:17- Oh, Albert, that's all talk innit?
02:20Haven't you seen the change in him?
02:21He's gone all high powered and trendy ain't he?
02:24I mean he saw that film Wall Street
02:26about six bloody times, didn't he?
02:29There's a character in that, right, called Gordon Gekko.
02:32Now he's a real tough, high flying whiz kid right,
02:34and Del wants to be just like him.
02:36He doesn't seem to realize that Gordon Gekko had brains.
02:39(audience laughing)
02:42Del thinks all you need's a Filofax
02:44and a pair of red braces and you're a chairman of the board.
02:47Still, I will say one thing for him, he's been very
02:49encouraging with this course at the evening college course.
02:52- Yeah, how?
02:53- Well he's, well, he gives me a lift there every week.
02:58(audience laughing)
03:03- That's the way, Rodney.
03:05Don't bother about stocking up the van for the morning.
03:07You just carry on poncing about with that computer.
03:10- Derek, it is my college evening
03:12and I am trying to finish my homework.
03:14- Oh yeah?
03:15Oh yeah, that's very good that, Rodney,
03:19yeah, you'll get a star for that.
03:21I dunno why you bother honestly.
03:23You've always been the same, even when you was at school,
03:26nothing but books, learning, education.
03:29That's why you're no good at snooker.
03:30(audience laughing)
03:32- Fancy a bit of grub, Del?
03:33No, no thanks, Albert.
03:35Food is for wimps, and I've got me
03:36correspondence to catch up with.
03:38- It's tough at the top, eh Del?
03:40- Yeah don't worry, we're gonna get
03:41to the top one day, don't worry.
03:43This time next year we will be millionaires.
03:46(audience laughing)
03:48- Ah ha.
03:50(audience laughing)
03:52See we're moving already.
03:54This is from the council.
03:56They've received my application to buy this flat
03:58and they're giving it consideration.
04:00- This flat, why?
04:02- Well, we've been living in it since 1962.
04:04You were born in it.
04:06He was banned from it.
04:07(audience laughing)
04:09I mean, we're all living in it, you know the whole family.
04:11There's Mum and Grandad and, you know, everyone.
04:17This place holds many warm memories for me.
04:21- But why do you want to buy it?
04:22- So we can sell it.
04:23(audience laughing)
04:25- Sell it?
04:26What for?
04:27- A bloody good profit, with a bit of luck.
04:30- Exactly, exactly.
04:31You see, Rodney, Peckham here
04:33is becoming a very trendy area.
04:34I mean, it's full of wine bars and bistros, you know.
04:36Property prices are booming.
04:38So if we can flog this place to some, you know,
04:40chinless wonder at a vastly inordinate sum, well that means
04:45that we can get a nice little drum out there in the suburbs.
04:48- Del, council properties were built so
04:50the poorer classes would have somewhere to live.
04:53If they start selling them to hooray Henrys
04:55where they are they gonna go?
04:57- Esher, Orpington somewhere like that.
04:59(audience laughing)
05:01- But they can't afford to buy houses.
05:03- They can when they've sold their flats.
05:05- Yeah, yeah, 'course they can.
05:06It's money for old rope.
05:07Lovely Jubbly.
05:09- It is immoral.
05:10- Oh shut up, you tart.
05:11(audience laughing)
05:14- Alright, think of it from our business point of view, eh?
05:17I mean this flat is in a wonderful position, innit?
05:20It's 15 minutes from the West End,
05:22it's 15 minutes from the motorway.
05:24- And 15 minutes from the ground.
05:29- You're right, Rodney, you're right,
05:31never thought of that, that's a very good selling point.
05:33I'm gonna make a note of that.
05:35That could wack on a few grand, Albert.
05:37Yeah, don't worry.
05:38We'll make a nice little bit of bunce out of this old drum.
05:41- You have got no right to sell this flat over my head.
05:44- Oi, do you mind, listen, I've been living here for
05:4627 years, that gives me the right to decide its future.
05:50- And I was born here,
05:51that gives me more right than anybody.
05:53- You might have been born here,
05:54but Del's the one who pays the rent arrears.
05:56- Yeah, that's right.
05:59And you take just how much I've paid in rent over the years.
06:01I must have bought this place
06:02at least four or five times over.
06:04And yet not one breeze block belongs to me, to us.
06:10But all that is gonna change.
06:12- You're just a snob, that's all you are.
06:13- I am not a snob, Rodney, I am a realist.
06:17I've grafted for years, I have to try to get
06:18us a nice little place out there in the open air.
06:21And look at us we're still here
06:23in this council built Lego set.
06:25(audience laughing)
06:26I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know,
06:28breathing in all the fumes from the motorway.
06:31You must have more lead inside you than a butcher's pencil.
06:33(audience laughing)
06:34And I used to think,
06:35God what is it doing to his little brain?
06:37- Too late now, son.
06:39(audience laughing)
06:40- Yeah, you see, that's right.
06:41I'm a fully grown.
06:43What do you mean, it's too late now?
06:44- I mean you're a full grown man.
06:47- Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
06:50Anyway, you've only paying the rent here since Mum died.
06:52- Oh leave it out, Rodney.
06:54I've been paying the rent here
06:56ever since I was old enough to 'op the wag.
06:58I was the only one in this family who ever earned any money.
07:01I mean you just take it, I mean there was Mum, bless her
07:04you know, I mean she tried but her health let her down.
07:07And there was Dad, he would have loved a job
07:09except he suffered from his sticky mattress.
07:11(audience laughing)
07:13And there was dear old Grandad, bless him.
07:16He was about as useful as
07:16a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear.
07:19(audience laughing)
07:22All the things that we've ever got out of life
07:23has come from my intelligence and my foresight.
07:27- Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up.
07:28(audience laughing)
07:33- I don't know what you're moaning about,
07:34life's been a walk over for you.
07:36You've never had to graft for it when you was a kid,
07:37'cause I saw to it that you didn't have to.
07:40When I was 11 years old, Rodney,
07:42Dad got me two, count 'em two paper rounds.
07:45That was me come rain, sleet or shine.
07:47There was Del Boy every mornin',
07:4935 Daily Sketches, 40 Heralds, and a Spick 'n' Span
07:52for the weirdo in Marley Road.
07:56And when I'd delivered them
07:57I went to another shop and started me second round.
08:01Dad always said he'd get me a bike.
08:02(audience laughing)
08:03- Oi, I used to work when I was a kid as well.
08:06- When?
08:07- When I was 11.
08:08When they were introducing North Sea gas to the area
08:12and you'd got hold of that consignment
08:13of do it yourself gas conversion kits.
08:18You remember, that Sunday you sent me down
08:19the Mountbatten Estate with a barrowload of 'em.
08:22All day long I was down there knocking on doors.
08:24I missed me Sunday dinner and everything.
08:27And not one of the gits down there had the decency
08:29to tell me that the Mountbatten Estate was all electric.
08:32(audience laughing)
08:37- I seem to remember you coming back
08:38and telling me about that, yeah.
08:40- They just kept laughing at me.
08:43I thought it was that stupid flower power shirt
08:45you used to make me wear.
08:48- That was a beautiful shirt, that, Rodney.
08:49- That was horrible.
08:51It was pink with little red poppies all over it.
08:53(audience laughing)
08:54- It was very fashionable, once.
08:57- But Derek at the time
08:58I happened to be covered in chickenpox.
09:00(audience laughing)
09:02From a distance it looked like I was stripped to the waist.
09:04(audience laughing)
09:07To this day I will never know
09:08what possessed you to send me to that estate.
09:11I mean, you had mates living there,
09:12you must've known it was all electric.
09:14- Alright, I don't know, I mean it was
09:16a long time ago, I've forgotten at that.
09:18Alright, so you grafted as well.
09:20He fought and died for his country, many times.
09:24Which gives us the right to make
09:26a bit of profit out of this flat.
09:28- Del, I wanna stay in this flat.
09:31- You can buy it off Del then.
09:32(audience laughing)
09:35- That's the trouble with you Rodney,
09:38you don't move with the times.
09:40The world is changing out there, it's a financial jungle.
09:43It's a question of he who dares, wins,
09:45he who hesitates don't.
09:48(audience laughing)
09:50- It's called the survival of the fittest.
09:51- No Unc, it's called pull the ladder up, Jack,
09:54and sod the rest.
09:55(audience laughing)
09:56- There are times when you
09:57have to think of yourself, Rodney.
09:59I remember once when I was in the South Pacific.
10:01- Oi, don't you dare give me another nautical nightmare.
10:04(audience laughing)
10:06I've already been through
10:07the Adriatic with him once this afternoon.
10:10It's like the adventures of a Dover sole.
10:12(audience laughing)
10:16Alright, Rodney, look, we won't move far away.
10:21There are some nice places around this area.
10:24We'll buy a house that befits people like us.
10:28- What do you mean, people like us?
10:29- Well, yuppies.
10:30(audience laughing)
10:33- I am not a yuppy.
10:35- No, no, I know, but given time and a little help from me.
10:39And.
10:44Is it supposed to do that?
10:45(audience laughing)
10:55- What are you stopping for?
10:58- Cop a load of this, bruv.
11:00I mean, this is what you call living.
11:09You know, I bet these gaffs, I bet it's got
11:11a guest suite, swimming pool, a jacuzzi.
11:15What have we got?
11:16A put you up, a damp patch and a jakarsey.
11:18(audience laughing)
11:19- What do you reckon this sort of place goes for then?
11:22- Oh, I dunno, three quarters of a million, maybe more.
11:25We'll be in one of these one day, bruv.
11:27- Oh yeah.
11:29What you got lined up, a decorating job?
11:31(audience laughing)
11:33- No, listen to me, we just need an half decent break
11:36and we'll be millionaires.
11:39- Del, I wouldn't live in this road if you paid me.
11:42It's poncy, it's immoral.
11:44- Immoral?
11:45What you going on about, you dipstick?
11:46(audience laughing)
11:47- You've got something like 18 acres of land here
11:49with about 12 families living on it.
11:52- Yeah well these sort of people,
11:53they need a bit of space round 'em, don't they?
11:55I mean, down here you've got stockbrokers,
11:57private doctors, Porsches.
12:01These are the crème de la menthe of our community.
12:04(audience laughing)
12:05- Del, you could house thousands of people on this land.
12:08- What, more tower blocks?
12:10'Course if it was left up to you
12:12the only growth industry would be lift repairing.
12:15Every time you go to these evening classes you come back
12:17talking like Ken Livingstone and Arthur Scargill.
12:21You watch it or you'll end up with a funny hair cut.
12:24Are you gonna drive me to the Adult Education Centre
12:27or are we gonna stand here all night admiring the privets?
12:32- Be sure the door's closed, Rodney.
12:34(audience laughing)
12:42Look, Rodney I wanna be successful, but not for the money.
12:47I want the power and the influence that success brings.
12:50- And what will you do with all this power and influence?
12:53- Spend it.
12:54(audience laughing)
13:18Go on, hurry up Rodney.
13:20They'll be calling the register in a minute.
13:22(audience laughing)
13:23Mind the road.
13:25Remember what the Green Cross Coat Man said?
13:27(audience laughing)
13:30- You are getting on my bloody nerves.
13:31(audience laughing)
13:34- Rodney, Rodney.
13:36And just remember if the big boys gang up
13:37on you again at playtime, you tell the teacher.
13:40- Why don't you pi...
13:42Evening.
13:45(laughing)
13:52- And don't lose your dinner money.
13:54(audience laughing)
14:11Now that is a bit of me.
14:20(audience laughing)
14:23(upbeat jazz music)
14:35(people chattering)
14:48(audience laughing)
14:55Oh
14:58It's good to unwind, innit?
15:00- Sorry?
15:02- After a hard day in the City, it's good to unwind.
15:05- I imagine it must be very tiring.
15:07- Tiring, tired, yeah,
15:09I'm cream crackered and that's no lie.
15:11Well, I've been up since six o'clock this morning
15:13trying to talk to a bloke in New York.
15:15- Why didn't you use a telephone?
15:16(giggling)
15:18- No, I've got a telephone an' all that.
15:20No, I mean, it's just a long and stressful day, you know,
15:22wheeling and dealing in the old commodities market.
15:24It ain't all champagne and skittles.
15:26Oh no buying, selling, you know,
15:29making billion pound decisions.
15:32It's a git of a drive home an' all.
15:34(audience laughing)
15:36- What exactly do you buy and sell
15:37in the commodities market?
15:38- Oh, you know, this and that, whatever's going, you know.
15:40Iron ore, sugar beet.
15:43I made a killing today on olive oil.
15:45God knows what Popeye'll say when he gets home.
15:48(audience laughing)
15:50- Can I get you anything?
15:51- Yes uh please uh John, a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau.
15:55- Yes, sir.
15:56(clearing throat loudly)
15:57- A '79.
16:01(giggling)
16:04- Oh, Popeye?
16:05You got it, have ya?
16:06That was a good 'un, weren't it?
16:24- Oh bloody hell.
16:28How am I supposed to do all this?
16:32- Hello.
16:34- Oh.
16:36Hi.
16:36- Sorry to interrupt you.
16:38- Oh what?
16:39No, it's alright.
16:40Just some computer data I've to put into a program.
16:42- It looks very complicated.
16:44- Well, yeah, it does look difficult, but it's no problem.
16:50My name's Rodney.
16:52- Cassandra.
16:53- Oh Cassandra, that's a lovely name.
16:56- Thank you.
16:57Um, I just wanted to say.
16:57- I'm glad we've bumped into each other 'cause I was trying
16:59to find a way of saying hello to you and I think it's really
17:02you know, sort of liberated of you to make the first move.
17:05- Move?
17:05No, you don't understand, you've taken my coat.
17:09(audience laughing)
17:12- Oh, I am so sorry.
17:15- It's okay, they're very similar,
17:17it's an easy mistake to make.
17:18This one's yours.
17:19- Well, how'd you know it's mine?
17:21- It's got your name written in it.
17:23(audience laughing)
17:31- Look, I didn't write this.
17:32It's, it's most probably my brother you know.
17:34It's his idea of a joke.
17:36- Well, whatever, we've sorted it out now.
17:39- Yeah.
17:41- Well, nice meeting you.
17:44- Oh, yeah, and you.
18:03Cassandra.
18:06I was wondering whether you had time for a quick drink?
18:09- Oh I'm sorry, I'm going out with a friend tonight.
18:11- Oh well, nevermind.
18:12Um, can I walk you to your car?
18:15- Oh thank you.
18:17- Pleasure.
18:20- Here we are.
18:21(audience laughing)
18:24- I thought it was.
18:27- Thank you for getting me here safely.
18:29(audience laughing)
18:30- Think nothing of it.
18:32It's a nice car.
18:33- It's my father's.
18:36- D'you live around here?
18:37- Blackheath.
18:38How about you?
18:39- Peckham.
18:42- Where are you parked?
18:43- Oh no, I lent my car to my brother.
18:45Well I wish I hadn't now after
18:46what he wrote in my coat, the little rascal.
18:50Oh, I'll get a bus down the terminus.
18:51- I'm going past the terminus if you'd like a lift?
18:54- Oh thank you.
18:58- Rodney.
19:03Rodders.
19:04- I think someone's calling you.
19:06- Really?
19:08- Hey, over here.
19:09I hung about for you, I'll give you a lift home.
19:13- Oh yeah, that's someone I know.
19:18Well, thanks for the offer anyway.
19:22- Okay.
19:23Bye.
19:24- Yeah, bye.
19:30- Who's the tart?
19:31(audience laughing)
19:42What what is the matter with you?
19:46What's the matter, has he given you lines or something?
19:51- Why did you write my name inside that raincoat?
19:53- Well 'cause Mum said to me on her death bed.
19:54- Look, why did you write it, you git?
19:57- Alright, alright.
19:59She said to me, make sure you always write Rodney's name
20:01in his clothes, that way no one'll nick 'em.
20:04And I was just keepin' me promise.
20:06- I was so embarrassed.
20:07- Yeah, but no one nicked yer coat, did they?
20:09(audience laughing)
20:10Oh come on, come on, it was only a joke, you touchy sod.
20:15Come, come and have a drink, come on.
20:16I've got some wine and some of that funny water.
20:20Right, I never like Spitzers you know,
20:23but uh I've got right into it now.
20:26There you are, you try that, good stuff.
20:28Cheers, Rod.
20:30- What are you still doing here?
20:31- Ah well, when I dropped you, I followed these
20:33two yuppy sorts, you know, told 'em a few jokes,
20:37flashed me Filofax. knocked 'em bandy.
20:40- So where are they?
20:41- They went to the ladies a couple of hours ago
20:42and they ain't come back yet.
20:43(audience laughing)
20:45Still, never mind, never mind eh?
20:46There's plenty more in the sea,
20:48plenty more where they came from ain't there, eh?
20:50Hey that's an idea, why don't we pull ourselves
20:53a couple of sorts and go on to a club?
20:56You know what I mean?
20:57- Nah, not me, Del, I'm off.
20:59- Oh come on, you're not going home already, are ya?
21:01- No, not with Albert there.
21:03The last thing I need right now
21:04is another battle of the Baltic.
21:05(audience laughing)
21:06Look, stick them in the van for me, would ya?
21:08I'll see you later.
21:09- Yeah, yeah, alright, bruv.
21:10Yeah, I will, yeah.
21:13- Excuse me, are you eating?
21:16- No, I'm nibbling it.
21:17(audience laughing)
21:19- Oh no, no, no, no.
21:20Our bistro's just open
21:22and I wondered if you'd like a table for dinner?
21:23- Oh dinner, no thanks, no thanks, John.
21:25Dinner is for wimps.
21:27You know what I mean?
21:28(upbeat dance music)
21:32- And tonight's lucky winner is,
21:34that chick sitting at the corner table.
21:37- Nah, you've got no chance with her Jevon.
21:39I've seen five blokes ask her for a dance
21:41and she gave 'em all a blank.
21:42- Five ordinary mortals, she hasn't met me yet.
21:46- Just listen to it.
21:47- Well, you carry on, Jevon.
21:49Me and Mickey'll prepare the altar.
21:51- I'll wave to you as I leave.
21:52- Don't forget, will ya?
21:55That Jevon, he does the business,
21:56though, don't he, Rodney eh?
21:57Still, I taught him everything he knows.
22:00- Oh turn it up, Mickey.
22:02Last time you went out with a bird
22:04you took her to a Bay City Rollers concert.
22:06(audience laughing)
22:08- What's the matter with you anyway?
22:10You got a boil or a pimple or something?
22:12- Yeah sort of.
22:14It's called Del Boy.
22:15- Oh yeah, yeah.
22:16He's getting a bit noncy, isn't he lately?
22:18I seen him walking down the high street the other day
22:20with his Filofax held up in front of him.
22:22You know, a lot of people thought it was a protest march.
22:24(audience laughing)
22:26- Yeah, well, he only uses it for business, don't he?
22:28- And what about that green coat of his, eh?
22:30He's looks a right poultice, don't it?
22:32- Well, personally I think he looks very smart.
22:34- Oh leave it out, Rodney.
22:36He looks like the Incredible Hulk's little boy.
22:39- Oh I'll tell him next time I see him.
22:40I'm sure he'll find a way of showing his gratitude.
22:43- You don't have to tell him, do you?
22:44It's only a joke, innit?
22:49I don't believe it.
22:51It looks like Jevon has fallen on stony ground.
23:11- She's a lesbian.
23:12(audience laughing)
23:13- She probably likes the direct approach
23:15instead of all that old fanny you give 'em.
23:18Watch the master and learn.
23:23- The thing is, I never know whether to believe him.
23:25- He always struck me as a pretty straightforward type.
23:27- You don't know him like I do.
23:29- Do you wanna dance?
23:30- No.
23:30- Right.
23:31(audience laughing)
23:35She's definitely a lesbian.
23:38- Oh don't be stupid Mickey.
23:40They're all busy down the town hall.
23:43(audience laughing)
23:45She'd dance with me.
23:46(laughing)
23:49- That's what we like about you Rodney,
23:51we're always guaranteed a laugh.
23:53- Look, I'm a first dan of lateral chatting
23:56and this is God's foster son.
23:58So what chance has a woll like you got?
24:01- I bet ya she'll dance with me.
24:03- Oh you bet, do ya?
24:05Right, a tenner says she don't.
24:07- I'll have some of that.
24:09That's a score, cover the bet Rodney.
24:12- Alright, I will.
24:17- Before you ask her to dance,
24:18why don't you see if she'll lend you a fiver?
24:22- Right, one score.
24:24- You don't come to a disco
24:25expecting to make a profit, do ya?
24:27- That's very true Michael.
24:30- I'll see you two later.
24:33- He said he had a holiday home near Marbella.
24:36It turned out to be a caravan on the Isle of Sheppey.
24:38- Well didn't you say something?
24:39Yes, but he said distance was relative.
24:43- Well I suppose he's got a point.
24:44I mean compared to somewhere like Melbourne
24:46the Isle of Sheppy is near Marbella.
24:49- Hi.
24:50- Hello, again.
25:12(audience laughing)
25:24- Hey Trig, Trigger.
25:26Trig, over here.
25:28- Hey Del Boy.
25:28- Hiya.
25:29- What you doing here?
25:31- Well I'm always here, I'm a regular here now.
25:33Yeah uh John, get my mate a pint of lager, will ya?
25:36- I'm afraid we don't serve beer, sir.
25:38- Oh?
25:39Oh yeah, that's right, yeah I remember now, yeah.
25:41Yeah there was no call for it,
25:43so they knocked it on the head.
25:45D'you fancy a Spitzer?
25:46- Uh yeah, I'll give it a try.
25:47- Yeah.
25:48Anyway, what you doing down here, Trig?
25:49I thought you'd be in the old Nag's Head.
25:51- Yeah I was, but Mike's just barred me.
25:54- Barred ya, what for?
25:55- He accused me of stealing one of his pork pies.
25:59What do I want his rotten pork pies for?
26:01I don't even like pork pies.
26:03- Oh, he's gettin' right out of order that bloke,
26:05he really is.
26:06- Oh I'm thinking of suing him for def, def.
26:10(audience laughing)
26:11- Slander?
26:12- Yeah.
26:13(audience laughing)
26:16- I wouldn't worry about it, Trig, I wouldn't worry.
26:17He's done you a favor, actually.
26:18No he really has, I mean you look around here.
26:21This place is full of yuppy sorts.
26:24Yeah, we can't go wrong here.
26:26All we gotta do is learn to speak their language.
26:28- Why, they foreign then?
26:29(audience laughing)
26:30- No, no, no, it's just that they're yuppies.
26:32They don't speak proper English like what we do.
26:36I mean, I've bin earholing 'em,
26:37it's all ya, super, and fab, and all that game.
26:39Yeah and they love to talk about money,
26:42it's their favorite subject.
26:44I mean, you chat about money
26:45and you can't fail to impress them.
26:46- Yeah?
26:47- Yeah, God's honest.
26:50- I saw one of them old five pound notes the other day.
26:53(audience laughing)
26:59- Come here, Trig, Trig.
27:00No, no, no, no mate.
27:02I don't mean talk about your bloody coin collection, do I?
27:06I mean, you just gotta talk about your wealth.
27:08- Yeah, but I ain't got none of that.
27:09- Neither have half of these.
27:11They're all living in sin with their flexible friends.
27:14It just means you gotta chat about it.
27:16You just gotta talk, that's all.
27:19Look, I'll show you how it's done, look.
27:20Watch me, watch this.
27:28It's all go when you're in a high profile business,
27:30innit girls eh?
27:31- Really?
27:32- Yeah.
27:33'Course I'm in stock and shares meself.
27:35Yeah I bought a few thousand shares
27:36in a little department store this afternoon,
27:38now I've gotta phone me lawyer and me accountant.
27:40Gives you the 'ump, don't it?
27:42Excuse me, sorry, how do you spell 'Arrods?
27:46- Capital A.
27:48- Capital A.
27:49(audience laughing)
27:51Oh I see.
27:53Oh I see, alright, beam me up, Snotty.
27:55(audience laughing)
27:58That's all you need, innit?
27:59- Yeah.
28:01Here have this, I don't want it.
28:02Thanks.
28:03(audience laughing)
28:06("Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh)
28:07♫ Never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance
28:11♫ Looking for a little romance
28:15♫ Give her half a chance
28:15- See you later, Mickey.
28:17- Rodney, Rodney, hang on.
28:19What's happening, then eh?
28:20What's she all about?
28:22Her name is Cassandra, she lives in Blackheath
28:24and she is giving me a lift home.
28:27- She's got a car?
28:28- No she's giving me a cross bar.
28:30(audience laughing)
28:31Of course she's got a car.
28:33We're dropping her friend off first,
28:35she lives next door to Cassandra.
28:37- You're going to Blackheath,
28:38you can give me a lift home, then eh?
28:39- No.
28:40- Oh go on, I'm goin' a club over Blackheath.
28:42Just drop us off somewhere
28:43and I'll walk the rest of the way.
28:45- No, 'cause, um, well, she's only got a two seater.
28:49- Yeah if she's got a two seater,
28:50how come she's taking you and her mate?
28:52- No, look, Mickey.
28:54- Jevon, we're off.
29:01- You'd better not nause this up for me, Mickey.
29:02- Don't worry I'll be on my double best behavior.
29:05The perfect gentleman.
29:06- You'd better be.
29:07- Promise.
29:08What's her friend's name?
29:09- Emma.
29:09- She do a turn?
29:10(audience laughing)
29:13Don't get the 'ump.
29:22- You see, nowadays these modern Eurobirds,
29:24they go for the mature men who've made it in life.
29:27- Yeah?
29:28Is that why we're having no luck?
29:31- I haven't started yet.
29:32I'm just building myself up to it.
29:35- Yeah, well, you'd better hurry up,
29:36it'll be closing time soon.
29:38- Alright, alright.
29:49I think we're on a winner here, Trig.
29:52Alright, play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool.
29:55You know what I mean?
29:56(audience laughing)
30:19Drink up Trip, drink up, we're leaving.
30:24- Ain't you gonna try for them birds?
30:25- No, no, you're cramping me style mate,
30:27you're cramping me style.
30:29(audience laughing)
30:35- Me and Rodney live near each other.
30:36Do you know the Nyerere Estate, Peckham?
30:38- No, I can't say I've ever hear of it, no.
30:39- Well, it's a rather lively place,
30:41specially when the militants hold a Mardi Gras, eh Rodney.
30:46You two live in Blackheath?
30:47- Yes.
30:49- Hey you heard of a drinker round there
30:50called the Down by the Riverside Club?
30:52- No, I can't say I've ever heard of that either.
30:54Where is it?
30:56- Well, oh, it's down by the riverside, innit?
31:01- It's got a terrible reputation,
31:03full of unsavory characters.
31:05- Hey, I'm a member.
31:06- Beg your pardon.
31:08- That's alright, darling, I didn't even hear it.
31:10Didn't even hear it.
31:14- Oh please, God.
31:15- Alright, fair enough,
31:17you get a few unsavory characters get in there.
31:20But we enjoy ourselves.
31:21- So do lynch mobs.
31:23- Oh, bitchy.
31:24Just for that I'm not gonna let you
31:25give me a kiss goodnight.
31:26- Oh, God.
31:28(audience laughing)
31:32-[Cassandra] Here we are.
31:40- Night, Rodney.
31:41- Nigh, Emma.
31:47- Here, Rodney, clock the houses.
31:49- Yeah, nice eh?
31:51Nice?
31:52You gotta be talking 300k.
31:55Gonna be a bit of a culture shock for Cassandra
31:57when she drops you off at Nelson Mandela House, innit?
32:01Anyway, I'd better walk it from here eh?
32:03I'll see you, Rodney.
32:05Night, Cassandra.
32:07Goodnight Emma, love you.
32:09(laughing)
32:13- Goodnight. - Night.
32:16- Look, I'm sorry about Mickey.
32:18- Don't be silly.
32:19We all have friends who are over the top, shall we say?
32:21- Yeah.
32:23He's probably still upset about losing his money.
32:25- How'd he do that?
32:27- Well you remember when I asked you to dance?
32:29Well, I did it for a bet.
32:32Well, no, I didn't mean it like that.
32:33He said I wouldn't have the guts to ask you.
32:36But well, I did.
32:39- I get the feeling that hidden
32:40in that statement somewhere there's a compliment.
32:43- Yeah, a big compliment.
32:46Alright, then, I suppose we'd better
32:47be getting you back to what was it called?
32:49The Nyerere Estate?
32:52- I don't live in the Nyerere Estate.
32:54- But I thought Mickey said.
32:54- Mickey lives on the Nyerere Estate.
32:56I live near it.
32:57Well past it.
32:58Well quite a long way past it.
33:00(audience laughing)
33:02- Okay.
33:12What a lovely road you live in.
33:15-[Rodney] Yes, it's quite nice.
33:17Ah, here we are.
33:19(audience laughing)
33:22- You lucky thing, what a great house.
33:24- Oh well, I don't notice it really, you know.
33:27It's just a place to lay my head.
33:30Ah, good, my brother got the car home safely.
33:33(audience laughing)
33:35Well, thanks for the lift, Cassandra.
33:38- Pleasure.
33:39- Oh I'll give you my number.
33:43You can give me a ring, you know, if you like.
33:48- Thanks.
33:50Well, goodnight.
33:52- Night.
34:02- Goodnight, Rodney.
34:03(audience laughing)
34:04- Yes, of course.
34:26Please drive away.
34:27(audience laughing)
34:35Oh my God.
34:36(audience laughing)
34:46Hi, I'm home.
34:49(audience laughing)
34:53Please, Cassandra, go.
35:07(thunder booming)
35:15(audience laughing)
35:30Cosmic
35:38Cos bloody mic.
35:39(audience laughing)
35:53- Del.
35:55Del Boy.
35:59Del.
35:59(shouting)
36:02- What'd you wanna do that for, you soppy old duffer?
36:06- Bloody 'ell, I don't realize me own strength.
36:09- It's got nothing to do with your strength.
36:11I was having a few drinks earlier this evening
36:15in a very trendy wine bar with some of my yuppy friends
36:18and I happened to fall ass over head.
36:20(audience laughing)
36:22- You're gonna do yourself a lot of damage
36:24if you ain't careful.
36:25- I've already done meself a lot of damage.
36:28- I mean, you're not eating eating's for wimps.
36:30And you're drinking so much you're falling down in boozers.
36:34- I wasn't drinking.
36:35In fact I was on some very trendy
36:37funny tasting wine with, oh forget it.
36:41- I'm getting rid of that rubbish in the kitchen.
36:43Do you want me to chuck any thing else down the chute?
36:46- Not unless you're feeling in a kamikaze mood.
36:48(audience laughing)
36:50- Look, why don't you let me do you some grub eh?
36:54- Yeah, alright Uncle, I am feeling a bit hungry.
36:56Do me a health conscious fry up will ya?
36:58(audience laughing)
37:09I don't care what they say, you can't whack The Who.
37:12(audience laughing)
37:26Alright?
37:29- What?
37:31- I said, alright?
37:34- Terrific.
37:37- What's it like out?
37:39(audience laughing)
37:42- There's a few spots of rain in the air.
37:45- Yeah?
37:46It might help us shift some of those raincoats, might'nt it.
37:50Blimey, that one shrunk, innit?
37:51(audience laughing)
37:54Come on, let's have it here.
37:57Did you have a good night?
37:58- Not too bad.
38:00- Oh good.
38:01I stayed on at the wine bar.
38:03It's very nice, my sort of place that, you know?
38:06And then I went on for a drink down by the riverside, yeah.
38:11Actually that reminds me, I met that Mickey Pearce
38:14he came in, you know, right at the last knockings
38:16and he told me that you'd met this posh tart
38:19and she'd given you a lift home in her flash car.
38:23- That's right.
38:24- What's she got, a convertible?
38:25(audience laughing)
38:28- No.
38:29I asked her to drop me off half way, I fancied a walk.
38:33- What, in this weather?
38:35- Lots of people enjoy walking in the rain.
38:37- Yes I know, but they're usually recaptured very quickly.
38:41(audience laughing)
38:45- Del.
38:46- Yeah.
38:46- This bottle's empty.
38:47- That's alright, it's no problem.
38:48Chuck it in the rubbish.
38:53It's alright Rodney, you can't hide the truth from me.
38:55I know what happened tonight.
38:56I can read you like a book.
38:58- You know nothing, Del, so keep it out.
39:01- I know nothing, I know?
39:03Right, alright there my son, come on.
39:04Listen, I've got 20 in notes here, look, there they are,
39:07that says that I can guess what happened tonight.
39:11Go on then, you cover that.
39:12- Alright, go on then, know all, tell me.
39:17- Alright.
39:19That Mickey Pearce said that this
39:20Cassandra sort lived in a right nice drum.
39:25- Yeah, so?
39:27- So this is what I think happened.
39:31You saw her house and the snob in you came racing
39:35to the surface and you thought,
39:37oh, how can I take her back to Nelson Mandela House?
39:42(audience laughing)
39:45So on your way home, you made her drive up
39:49some right posh road somewhere like, King's Avenue.
39:55And then you stopped at some right nice little mansion
39:58and you pretended that's where you lived.
40:02- You don't half talk a load of rubbish.
40:03- Is that the truth?
40:05- Yes.
40:05- Thank you very much indeed.
40:06(audience laughing)
40:08That's it, Rodney, you see, you're like an open book,
40:11my son and it's thicker than my Filofax.
40:15♫ Double your money, try to get rich
40:23- I'll file your bloody fax.
40:28- Still raining?
40:30- No, I took a short cut through a car wash.
40:33- Alright, boy, don't have a go at me, I only asked.
40:36I'll chuck this stuff down the chute.
40:41- Here you are, dry yourself off.
40:44And don't be ashamed of where you live, Rodney.
40:46Look, I want better than this but I'm not ashamed of it.
40:49- Oh but Del, you should have seen her road.
40:52There weren't one window boarded up,
40:54all the lamp posts worked.
40:56I mean what would she have thought
40:57if she'd have come back here eh?
40:59Well I'd just keep driving straight past the burnt out panda
41:02car, Cassandra, and I live just before the next barricade.
41:05(audience laughing)
41:07- I know how you feel, Rodney,
41:08I've been through the same emotions meself.
41:11- You?
41:12- Yes, me.
41:13Well it was about 15, 16 years ago I met this bird and uh,
41:18yeah she was from Texas.
41:22- What, the do it yourself place?
41:23(audience laughing)
41:28- No, no, Texas in America.
41:31Yeah her old man was an oil baron or something.
41:34She had one of these long double barreled
41:36funny names like Elly May or something like that.
41:39- How would you meet an oil baron's daughter?
41:42- Well I was working when I was in the Tower of London.
41:44I was doing the old Happy Snaps, you know?
41:46Secondhand Brownie, no film, pound a go Lovely Jubbly.
41:49Anyway, she was there you see, and she asked me
41:52to take a picture of her and a Beefeater
41:55and one of these um, one of these crow things, right?
41:58So anyway, I start to chat her up, right, you know,
42:00and I offered to show her 'round London.
42:03So, anyway, after a little while
42:06we fell deeply in love with each other.
42:12Cor, what was her name now?
42:15Anyway, it doesn't matter.
42:16Anyway, you know what she said to me one day?
42:19- Where's my picture?
42:20(audience laughing)
42:24- No she didn't say that, no.
42:25She paid me a very great compliment.
42:28She said when she met me it reminded her
42:30of the day that President Kennedy died.
42:34- And that's the nicest compliments you've ever had?
42:36(audience laughing)
42:38- Yeah but don't you see what she meant?
42:40- No.
42:41- Well, I like to think that she meant that everyone
42:43remembers where they were the day they met Del Trotter.
42:47(audience laughing)
42:50- She might not have meant that.
42:52- Well what else could she have meant?
42:54- Well I don't know.
42:55Perhaps she meant you looked, yeah,
42:57you looked like Lee Harvey Oswald.
42:58(audience laughing)
43:00- I don't look like Lee Harvey bleedin' Oswald.
43:04God, who's Lee Harvey Oswald?
43:07- He's the bloke what shot Kennedy.
43:10You look a bit like him, Del.
43:11- No, I don't.
43:13- No, of course you don't.
43:13You look nothing like him.
43:14I'll get your grub.
43:16- Yeah.
43:18- So, anyway, what's you and Peggy Sue
43:19gotta do with me and Cassandra?
43:22- 'Cause she wanted to see where I lived and I had
43:24the same struggle with my conscience as you've had.
43:27I was frightened if I brought her back here
43:29she might think less of me.
43:31- So you didn't?
43:32- No, I did.
43:34- When?
43:35- Well, it was one Sunday, years ago now.
43:39- Well, where was I?
43:40- You was down the Mountbatten Estate
43:42selling them gas conversion kits.
43:43(audience laughing)
43:46- You bastard!
43:47(audience laughing)
43:50You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chickenpox
43:53just so you and Annie bloody Oakley
43:54could have the flat to yourselves.
43:55(audience laughing)
43:57- It wasn't like that, Rodney, wasn't like that.
43:59I was trying to present you with a challenge.
44:01- What, selling gas conversion kits
44:02on an all electric estate?
44:03That's a challenge and a half.
44:05- No, it's alright, listen, I'll tell you the truth.
44:10Alright, so I wanted to get
44:10rid of you for a couple of hours.
44:12I mean I was, well I was serious about her
44:14and wanted to make a good impression.
44:17I just thought, well, bringing her back to this
44:19tower block's bad enough but, I mean, if she saw you in
44:22that dopey shirt and all them Randolph Scotts all over
44:24your face, well, that'd be good night Vienna, wouldn't it?
44:30- So she come back here?
44:31- Yeah.
44:34I gave her a pot of tea and a Lyons Victoria sponge.
44:39(audience laughing)
44:41It was very nice.
44:43- And did she, you know, think anything less of you?
44:48- I dunno I never saw her again.
44:51I mean she went home, you know, her holiday was finished.
44:53- Did she write to you?
44:57- Cor blimey, look at it,
44:58it's bucketing down out there, look innit eh?
45:01- Here are, Del Boy.
45:03Oi, some little bird phoned for you about 15 minutes ago.
45:08I think she'd been on drugs.
45:10She said you left your coat in the back of her car
45:12and she'd taken it back to your house in the King's Avenue.
45:15(audience laughing)
45:17The people there had never heard of ya.
45:21- You conning git!
45:22Gimme that money back!
45:24- No, no.
45:25Sorry!
45:25Now stop it.
45:27Now, now, calm down.
45:30You've learnt a very valuable lesson tonight, haven't you?
45:33Don't gamble.
45:34' Cause you never know when the cards have been stacked.
45:37- I said, of course they'd never heard of him, he don't
45:39live in the King's Avenue, he lives on the Nyerere Estate.
45:43- You told her where I lived?
45:48Well, bang goes another dream.
45:50- No, ain't necessarily so, bruv.
45:52♫ It ain't necessarily so
45:55No she phoned up, left her phone number and said that
45:58she'd wait up 'til midnight so you could phone her back.
46:01- You're kidding?
46:02- She said she wants to hear from you tonight
46:04because she's going out tomorrow
46:05to buy a couple of tickets for some pop concert.
46:09- I bet it's Wet Wet Wet.
46:10(audience laughing)
46:16- Yeah, I'll bet.
46:17Ah cheers, Del.
46:18Oi, were's her number?
46:19- In my Filofax.
46:21(audience laughing)
46:23- Dammit!
46:24(audience applauding)
46:32♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
46:33♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
46:35♫ TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's
46:38♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
46:40♫ And at a push
46:41♫ Some Trevor Francis track suits
46:42♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush,
46:45♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
46:47♫ No income tax, no VAT
46:50♫ No money back, no guarantee
46:53♫ Black or white, rich or broke
46:56♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
47:01♫ God bless Hooky Street
47:03♫ Viva Hooky Street
47:07♫ Long live Hooky Street
47:10♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
47:13♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
47:17♫ Hooky Street
47:20♫ Hooky Street
47:24♫ Hooky Street