Only Fools and Horses S06E01 — Yuppy Love

Every line from “Yuppy Love” (1103 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S06E01 meme — “It's only a joke, innit?”

00:01(upbeat music)
00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ Cause if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:25♫ But heres the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la
00:35♫ La la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:45- That's the way, Rodney.
00:46Don't bother helping me get the tea ready,
00:48just carry on poncing about with that computer.
00:52- I am not poncing about with anything.
00:55In case it's slipped that senile, shrapnel cluttered
00:57brain of yours, I happen to be studying
01:00for a computer diploma course.
01:03- Oh I ain't forgotten, son.
01:04I remember you enrolling on a three month course,
01:07two years ago.
01:08(audience laughing)
01:09- It happens to be an extremely difficult exam.
01:12Well, you should know, you've failed it often enough.
01:13(audience laughing)
01:15- I have not failed.
01:17Well, in the popular sense of the word.
01:20It's just all the other students have an advantage over me.
01:23- Yeah, they all pass.
01:24(audience laughing)
01:27I mean, they are sent to the
01:28evening college by their companies.
01:31All day long they are working with computers,
01:33knocking out data and programs, ain't they?
01:36Whereas all day long I am working with a suitcase,
01:39knocking out disposable lighters and Turkish raincoats.
01:42(audience laughing)
01:43- But even if you get your diploma, what difference
01:45will that make to Trotters Independent Traders?
01:48- I am not doing it for Trotters Independent Traders,
01:51I'm doing it for me.
01:53This diploma could be my passport to freedom,
01:55a decent job, a future.
01:59I mean,
01:59I can't go on for the rest of my life
02:00messing about with this sort of junk, can I?
02:03Do you know what he wants me to do?
02:04He wants me to stand in a market flogging raincoats
02:07with dry clean only on the label.
02:09(audience laughing)
02:11Puts the punters right off.
02:13- The way Del was telling the other day,
02:14the futures' never looked more promising.
02:17- Oh, Albert, that's all talk innit?
02:20Haven't you seen the change in him?
02:21He's gone all high powered and trendy ain't he?
02:24I mean he saw that film Wall Street
02:26about six bloody times, didn't he?
02:29There's a character in that, right, called Gordon Gekko.
02:32Now he's a real tough, high flying whiz kid right,
02:34and Del wants to be just like him.
02:36He doesn't seem to realize that Gordon Gekko had brains.
02:39(audience laughing)
02:42Del thinks all you need's a Filofax
02:44and a pair of red braces and you're a chairman of the board.
02:47Still, I will say one thing for him, he's been very
02:49encouraging with this course at the evening college course.
02:52- Yeah, how?
02:53- Well he's, well, he gives me a lift there every week.
02:58(audience laughing)
03:03- That's the way, Rodney.
03:05Don't bother about stocking up the van for the morning.
03:07You just carry on poncing about with that computer.
03:10- Derek, it is my college evening
03:12and I am trying to finish my homework.
03:14- Oh yeah?
03:15Oh yeah, that's very good that, Rodney,
03:19yeah, you'll get a star for that.
03:21I dunno why you bother honestly.
03:23You've always been the same, even when you was at school,
03:26nothing but books, learning, education.
03:29That's why you're no good at snooker.
03:30(audience laughing)
03:32- Fancy a bit of grub, Del?
03:33No, no thanks, Albert.
03:35Food is for wimps, and I've got me
03:36correspondence to catch up with.
03:38- It's tough at the top, eh Del?
03:40- Yeah don't worry, we're gonna get
03:41to the top one day, don't worry.
03:43This time next year we will be millionaires.
03:46(audience laughing)
03:48- Ah ha.
03:50(audience laughing)
03:52See we're moving already.
03:54This is from the council.
03:56They've received my application to buy this flat
03:58and they're giving it consideration.
04:00- This flat, why?
04:02- Well, we've been living in it since 1962.
04:04You were born in it.
04:06He was banned from it.
04:07(audience laughing)
04:09I mean, we're all living in it, you know the whole family.
04:11There's Mum and Grandad and, you know, everyone.
04:17This place holds many warm memories for me.
04:21- But why do you want to buy it?
04:22- So we can sell it.
04:23(audience laughing)
04:25- Sell it?
04:26What for?
04:27- A bloody good profit, with a bit of luck.
04:30- Exactly, exactly.
04:31You see, Rodney, Peckham here
04:33is becoming a very trendy area.
04:34I mean, it's full of wine bars and bistros, you know.
04:36Property prices are booming.
04:38So if we can flog this place to some, you know,
04:40chinless wonder at a vastly inordinate sum, well that means
04:45that we can get a nice little drum out there in the suburbs.
04:48- Del, council properties were built so
04:50the poorer classes would have somewhere to live.
04:53If they start selling them to hooray Henrys
04:55where they are they gonna go?
04:57- Esher, Orpington somewhere like that.
04:59(audience laughing)
05:01- But they can't afford to buy houses.
05:03- They can when they've sold their flats.
05:05- Yeah, yeah, 'course they can.
05:06It's money for old rope.
05:07Lovely Jubbly.
05:09- It is immoral.
05:10- Oh shut up, you tart.
05:11(audience laughing)
05:14- Alright, think of it from our business point of view, eh?
05:17I mean this flat is in a wonderful position, innit?
05:20It's 15 minutes from the West End,
05:22it's 15 minutes from the motorway.
05:24- And 15 minutes from the ground.
05:29- You're right, Rodney, you're right,
05:31never thought of that, that's a very good selling point.
05:33I'm gonna make a note of that.
05:35That could wack on a few grand, Albert.
05:37Yeah, don't worry.
05:38We'll make a nice little bit of bunce out of this old drum.
05:41- You have got no right to sell this flat over my head.
05:44- Oi, do you mind, listen, I've been living here for
05:4627 years, that gives me the right to decide its future.
05:50- And I was born here,
05:51that gives me more right than anybody.
05:53- You might have been born here,
05:54but Del's the one who pays the rent arrears.
05:56- Yeah, that's right.
05:59And you take just how much I've paid in rent over the years.
06:01I must have bought this place
06:02at least four or five times over.
06:04And yet not one breeze block belongs to me, to us.
06:10But all that is gonna change.
06:12- You're just a snob, that's all you are.
06:13- I am not a snob, Rodney, I am a realist.
06:17I've grafted for years, I have to try to get
06:18us a nice little place out there in the open air.
06:21And look at us we're still here
06:23in this council built Lego set.
06:25(audience laughing)
06:26I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know,
06:28breathing in all the fumes from the motorway.
06:31You must have more lead inside you than a butcher's pencil.
06:33(audience laughing)
06:34And I used to think,
06:35God what is it doing to his little brain?
06:37- Too late now, son.
06:39(audience laughing)
06:40- Yeah, you see, that's right.
06:41I'm a fully grown.
06:43What do you mean, it's too late now?
06:44- I mean you're a full grown man.
06:47- Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
06:50Anyway, you've only paying the rent here since Mum died.
06:52- Oh leave it out, Rodney.
06:54I've been paying the rent here
06:56ever since I was old enough to 'op the wag.
06:58I was the only one in this family who ever earned any money.
07:01I mean you just take it, I mean there was Mum, bless her
07:04you know, I mean she tried but her health let her down.
07:07And there was Dad, he would have loved a job
07:09except he suffered from his sticky mattress.
07:11(audience laughing)
07:13And there was dear old Grandad, bless him.
07:16He was about as useful as
07:16a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear.
07:19(audience laughing)
07:22All the things that we've ever got out of life
07:23has come from my intelligence and my foresight.
07:27- Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up.
07:28(audience laughing)
07:33- I don't know what you're moaning about,
07:34life's been a walk over for you.
07:36You've never had to graft for it when you was a kid,
07:37'cause I saw to it that you didn't have to.
07:40When I was 11 years old, Rodney,
07:42Dad got me two, count 'em two paper rounds.
07:45That was me come rain, sleet or shine.
07:47There was Del Boy every mornin',
07:4935 Daily Sketches, 40 Heralds, and a Spick 'n' Span
07:52for the weirdo in Marley Road.
07:56And when I'd delivered them
07:57I went to another shop and started me second round.
08:01Dad always said he'd get me a bike.
08:02(audience laughing)
08:03- Oi, I used to work when I was a kid as well.
08:06- When?
08:07- When I was 11.
08:08When they were introducing North Sea gas to the area
08:12and you'd got hold of that consignment
08:13of do it yourself gas conversion kits.
08:18You remember, that Sunday you sent me down
08:19the Mountbatten Estate with a barrowload of 'em.
08:22All day long I was down there knocking on doors.
08:24I missed me Sunday dinner and everything.
08:27And not one of the gits down there had the decency
08:29to tell me that the Mountbatten Estate was all electric.
08:32(audience laughing)
08:37- I seem to remember you coming back
08:38and telling me about that, yeah.
08:40- They just kept laughing at me.
08:43I thought it was that stupid flower power shirt
08:45you used to make me wear.
08:48- That was a beautiful shirt, that, Rodney.
08:49- That was horrible.
08:51It was pink with little red poppies all over it.
08:53(audience laughing)
08:54- It was very fashionable, once.
08:57- But Derek at the time
08:58I happened to be covered in chickenpox.
09:00(audience laughing)
09:02From a distance it looked like I was stripped to the waist.
09:04(audience laughing)
09:07To this day I will never know
09:08what possessed you to send me to that estate.
09:11I mean, you had mates living there,
09:12you must've known it was all electric.
09:14- Alright, I don't know, I mean it was
09:16a long time ago, I've forgotten at that.
09:18Alright, so you grafted as well.
09:20He fought and died for his country, many times.
09:24Which gives us the right to make
09:26a bit of profit out of this flat.
09:28- Del, I wanna stay in this flat.
09:31- You can buy it off Del then.
09:32(audience laughing)
09:35- That's the trouble with you Rodney,
09:38you don't move with the times.
09:40The world is changing out there, it's a financial jungle.
09:43It's a question of he who dares, wins,
09:45he who hesitates don't.
09:48(audience laughing)
09:50- It's called the survival of the fittest.
09:51- No Unc, it's called pull the ladder up, Jack,
09:54and sod the rest.
09:55(audience laughing)
09:56- There are times when you
09:57have to think of yourself, Rodney.
09:59I remember once when I was in the South Pacific.
10:01- Oi, don't you dare give me another nautical nightmare.
10:04(audience laughing)
10:06I've already been through
10:07the Adriatic with him once this afternoon.
10:10It's like the adventures of a Dover sole.
10:12(audience laughing)
10:16Alright, Rodney, look, we won't move far away.
10:21There are some nice places around this area.
10:24We'll buy a house that befits people like us.
10:28- What do you mean, people like us?
10:29- Well, yuppies.
10:30(audience laughing)
10:33- I am not a yuppy.
10:35- No, no, I know, but given time and a little help from me.
10:39And.
10:44Is it supposed to do that?
10:45(audience laughing)
10:55- What are you stopping for?
10:58- Cop a load of this, bruv.
11:00I mean, this is what you call living.
11:09You know, I bet these gaffs, I bet it's got
11:11a guest suite, swimming pool, a jacuzzi.
11:15What have we got?
11:16A put you up, a damp patch and a jakarsey.
11:18(audience laughing)
11:19- What do you reckon this sort of place goes for then?
11:22- Oh, I dunno, three quarters of a million, maybe more.
11:25We'll be in one of these one day, bruv.
11:27- Oh yeah.
11:29What you got lined up, a decorating job?
11:31(audience laughing)
11:33- No, listen to me, we just need an half decent break
11:36and we'll be millionaires.
11:39- Del, I wouldn't live in this road if you paid me.
11:42It's poncy, it's immoral.
11:44- Immoral?
11:45What you going on about, you dipstick?
11:46(audience laughing)
11:47- You've got something like 18 acres of land here
11:49with about 12 families living on it.
11:52- Yeah well these sort of people,
11:53they need a bit of space round 'em, don't they?
11:55I mean, down here you've got stockbrokers,
11:57private doctors, Porsches.
12:01These are the crème de la menthe of our community.
12:04(audience laughing)
12:05- Del, you could house thousands of people on this land.
12:08- What, more tower blocks?
12:10'Course if it was left up to you
12:12the only growth industry would be lift repairing.
12:15Every time you go to these evening classes you come back
12:17talking like Ken Livingstone and Arthur Scargill.
12:21You watch it or you'll end up with a funny hair cut.
12:24Are you gonna drive me to the Adult Education Centre
12:27or are we gonna stand here all night admiring the privets?
12:32- Be sure the door's closed, Rodney.
12:34(audience laughing)
12:42Look, Rodney I wanna be successful, but not for the money.
12:47I want the power and the influence that success brings.
12:50- And what will you do with all this power and influence?
12:53- Spend it.
12:54(audience laughing)
13:18Go on, hurry up Rodney.
13:20They'll be calling the register in a minute.
13:22(audience laughing)
13:23Mind the road.
13:25Remember what the Green Cross Coat Man said?
13:27(audience laughing)
13:30- You are getting on my bloody nerves.
13:31(audience laughing)
13:34- Rodney, Rodney.
13:36And just remember if the big boys gang up
13:37on you again at playtime, you tell the teacher.
13:40- Why don't you pi...
13:42Evening.
13:45(laughing)
13:52- And don't lose your dinner money.
13:54(audience laughing)
14:11Now that is a bit of me.
14:20(audience laughing)
14:23(upbeat jazz music)
14:35(people chattering)
14:48(audience laughing)
14:55Oh
14:58It's good to unwind, innit?
15:00- Sorry?
15:02- After a hard day in the City, it's good to unwind.
15:05- I imagine it must be very tiring.
15:07- Tiring, tired, yeah,
15:09I'm cream crackered and that's no lie.
15:11Well, I've been up since six o'clock this morning
15:13trying to talk to a bloke in New York.
15:15- Why didn't you use a telephone?
15:16(giggling)
15:18- No, I've got a telephone an' all that.
15:20No, I mean, it's just a long and stressful day, you know,
15:22wheeling and dealing in the old commodities market.
15:24It ain't all champagne and skittles.
15:26Oh no buying, selling, you know,
15:29making billion pound decisions.
15:32It's a git of a drive home an' all.
15:34(audience laughing)
15:36- What exactly do you buy and sell
15:37in the commodities market?
15:38- Oh, you know, this and that, whatever's going, you know.
15:40Iron ore, sugar beet.
15:43I made a killing today on olive oil.
15:45God knows what Popeye'll say when he gets home.
15:48(audience laughing)
15:50- Can I get you anything?
15:51- Yes uh please uh John, a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau.
15:55- Yes, sir.
15:56(clearing throat loudly)
15:57- A '79.
16:01(giggling)
16:04- Oh, Popeye?
16:05You got it, have ya?
16:06That was a good 'un, weren't it?
16:24- Oh bloody hell.
16:28How am I supposed to do all this?
16:32- Hello.
16:34- Oh.
16:36Hi.
16:36- Sorry to interrupt you.
16:38- Oh what?
16:39No, it's alright.
16:40Just some computer data I've to put into a program.
16:42- It looks very complicated.
16:44- Well, yeah, it does look difficult, but it's no problem.
16:50My name's Rodney.
16:52- Cassandra.
16:53- Oh Cassandra, that's a lovely name.
16:56- Thank you.
16:57Um, I just wanted to say.
16:57- I'm glad we've bumped into each other 'cause I was trying
16:59to find a way of saying hello to you and I think it's really
17:02you know, sort of liberated of you to make the first move.
17:05- Move?
17:05No, you don't understand, you've taken my coat.
17:09(audience laughing)
17:12- Oh, I am so sorry.
17:15- It's okay, they're very similar,
17:17it's an easy mistake to make.
17:18This one's yours.
17:19- Well, how'd you know it's mine?
17:21- It's got your name written in it.
17:23(audience laughing)
17:31- Look, I didn't write this.
17:32It's, it's most probably my brother you know.
17:34It's his idea of a joke.
17:36- Well, whatever, we've sorted it out now.
17:39- Yeah.
17:41- Well, nice meeting you.
17:44- Oh, yeah, and you.
18:03Cassandra.
18:06I was wondering whether you had time for a quick drink?
18:09- Oh I'm sorry, I'm going out with a friend tonight.
18:11- Oh well, nevermind.
18:12Um, can I walk you to your car?
18:15- Oh thank you.
18:17- Pleasure.
18:20- Here we are.
18:21(audience laughing)
18:24- I thought it was.
18:27- Thank you for getting me here safely.
18:29(audience laughing)
18:30- Think nothing of it.
18:32It's a nice car.
18:33- It's my father's.
18:36- D'you live around here?
18:37- Blackheath.
18:38How about you?
18:39- Peckham.
18:42- Where are you parked?
18:43- Oh no, I lent my car to my brother.
18:45Well I wish I hadn't now after
18:46what he wrote in my coat, the little rascal.
18:50Oh, I'll get a bus down the terminus.
18:51- I'm going past the terminus if you'd like a lift?
18:54- Oh thank you.
18:58- Rodney.
19:03Rodders.
19:04- I think someone's calling you.
19:06- Really?
19:08- Hey, over here.
19:09I hung about for you, I'll give you a lift home.
19:13- Oh yeah, that's someone I know.
19:18Well, thanks for the offer anyway.
19:22- Okay.
19:23Bye.
19:24- Yeah, bye.
19:30- Who's the tart?
19:31(audience laughing)
19:42What what is the matter with you?
19:46What's the matter, has he given you lines or something?
19:51- Why did you write my name inside that raincoat?
19:53- Well 'cause Mum said to me on her death bed.
19:54- Look, why did you write it, you git?
19:57- Alright, alright.
19:59She said to me, make sure you always write Rodney's name
20:01in his clothes, that way no one'll nick 'em.
20:04And I was just keepin' me promise.
20:06- I was so embarrassed.
20:07- Yeah, but no one nicked yer coat, did they?
20:09(audience laughing)
20:10Oh come on, come on, it was only a joke, you touchy sod.
20:15Come, come and have a drink, come on.
20:16I've got some wine and some of that funny water.
20:20Right, I never like Spitzers you know,
20:23but uh I've got right into it now.
20:26There you are, you try that, good stuff.
20:28Cheers, Rod.
20:30- What are you still doing here?
20:31- Ah well, when I dropped you, I followed these
20:33two yuppy sorts, you know, told 'em a few jokes,
20:37flashed me Filofax. knocked 'em bandy.
20:40- So where are they?
20:41- They went to the ladies a couple of hours ago
20:42and they ain't come back yet.
20:43(audience laughing)
20:45Still, never mind, never mind eh?
20:46There's plenty more in the sea,
20:48plenty more where they came from ain't there, eh?
20:50Hey that's an idea, why don't we pull ourselves
20:53a couple of sorts and go on to a club?
20:56You know what I mean?
20:57- Nah, not me, Del, I'm off.
20:59- Oh come on, you're not going home already, are ya?
21:01- No, not with Albert there.
21:03The last thing I need right now
21:04is another battle of the Baltic.
21:05(audience laughing)
21:06Look, stick them in the van for me, would ya?
21:08I'll see you later.
21:09- Yeah, yeah, alright, bruv.
21:10Yeah, I will, yeah.
21:13- Excuse me, are you eating?
21:16- No, I'm nibbling it.
21:17(audience laughing)
21:19- Oh no, no, no, no.
21:20Our bistro's just open
21:22and I wondered if you'd like a table for dinner?
21:23- Oh dinner, no thanks, no thanks, John.
21:25Dinner is for wimps.
21:27You know what I mean?
21:28(upbeat dance music)
21:32- And tonight's lucky winner is,
21:34that chick sitting at the corner table.
21:37- Nah, you've got no chance with her Jevon.
21:39I've seen five blokes ask her for a dance
21:41and she gave 'em all a blank.
21:42- Five ordinary mortals, she hasn't met me yet.
21:46- Just listen to it.
21:47- Well, you carry on, Jevon.
21:49Me and Mickey'll prepare the altar.
21:51- I'll wave to you as I leave.
21:52- Don't forget, will ya?
21:55That Jevon, he does the business,
21:56though, don't he, Rodney eh?
21:57Still, I taught him everything he knows.
22:00- Oh turn it up, Mickey.
22:02Last time you went out with a bird
22:04you took her to a Bay City Rollers concert.
22:06(audience laughing)
22:08- What's the matter with you anyway?
22:10You got a boil or a pimple or something?
22:12- Yeah sort of.
22:14It's called Del Boy.
22:15- Oh yeah, yeah.
22:16He's getting a bit noncy, isn't he lately?
22:18I seen him walking down the high street the other day
22:20with his Filofax held up in front of him.
22:22You know, a lot of people thought it was a protest march.
22:24(audience laughing)
22:26- Yeah, well, he only uses it for business, don't he?
22:28- And what about that green coat of his, eh?
22:30He's looks a right poultice, don't it?
22:32- Well, personally I think he looks very smart.
22:34- Oh leave it out, Rodney.
22:36He looks like the Incredible Hulk's little boy.
22:39- Oh I'll tell him next time I see him.
22:40I'm sure he'll find a way of showing his gratitude.
22:43- You don't have to tell him, do you?
22:44It's only a joke, innit?
22:49I don't believe it.
22:51It looks like Jevon has fallen on stony ground.
23:11- She's a lesbian.
23:12(audience laughing)
23:13- She probably likes the direct approach
23:15instead of all that old fanny you give 'em.
23:18Watch the master and learn.
23:23- The thing is, I never know whether to believe him.
23:25- He always struck me as a pretty straightforward type.
23:27- You don't know him like I do.
23:29- Do you wanna dance?
23:30- No.
23:30- Right.
23:31(audience laughing)
23:35She's definitely a lesbian.
23:38- Oh don't be stupid Mickey.
23:40They're all busy down the town hall.
23:43(audience laughing)
23:45She'd dance with me.
23:46(laughing)
23:49- That's what we like about you Rodney,
23:51we're always guaranteed a laugh.
23:53- Look, I'm a first dan of lateral chatting
23:56and this is God's foster son.
23:58So what chance has a woll like you got?
24:01- I bet ya she'll dance with me.
24:03- Oh you bet, do ya?
24:05Right, a tenner says she don't.
24:07- I'll have some of that.
24:09That's a score, cover the bet Rodney.
24:12- Alright, I will.
24:17- Before you ask her to dance,
24:18why don't you see if she'll lend you a fiver?
24:22- Right, one score.
24:24- You don't come to a disco
24:25expecting to make a profit, do ya?
24:27- That's very true Michael.
24:30- I'll see you two later.
24:33- He said he had a holiday home near Marbella.
24:36It turned out to be a caravan on the Isle of Sheppey.
24:38- Well didn't you say something?
24:39Yes, but he said distance was relative.
24:43- Well I suppose he's got a point.
24:44I mean compared to somewhere like Melbourne
24:46the Isle of Sheppy is near Marbella.
24:49- Hi.
24:50- Hello, again.
25:12(audience laughing)
25:24- Hey Trig, Trigger.
25:26Trig, over here.
25:28- Hey Del Boy.
25:28- Hiya.
25:29- What you doing here?
25:31- Well I'm always here, I'm a regular here now.
25:33Yeah uh John, get my mate a pint of lager, will ya?
25:36- I'm afraid we don't serve beer, sir.
25:38- Oh?
25:39Oh yeah, that's right, yeah I remember now, yeah.
25:41Yeah there was no call for it,
25:43so they knocked it on the head.
25:45D'you fancy a Spitzer?
25:46- Uh yeah, I'll give it a try.
25:47- Yeah.
25:48Anyway, what you doing down here, Trig?
25:49I thought you'd be in the old Nag's Head.
25:51- Yeah I was, but Mike's just barred me.
25:54- Barred ya, what for?
25:55- He accused me of stealing one of his pork pies.
25:59What do I want his rotten pork pies for?
26:01I don't even like pork pies.
26:03- Oh, he's gettin' right out of order that bloke,
26:05he really is.
26:06- Oh I'm thinking of suing him for def, def.
26:10(audience laughing)
26:11- Slander?
26:12- Yeah.
26:13(audience laughing)
26:16- I wouldn't worry about it, Trig, I wouldn't worry.
26:17He's done you a favor, actually.
26:18No he really has, I mean you look around here.
26:21This place is full of yuppy sorts.
26:24Yeah, we can't go wrong here.
26:26All we gotta do is learn to speak their language.
26:28- Why, they foreign then?
26:29(audience laughing)
26:30- No, no, no, it's just that they're yuppies.
26:32They don't speak proper English like what we do.
26:36I mean, I've bin earholing 'em,
26:37it's all ya, super, and fab, and all that game.
26:39Yeah and they love to talk about money,
26:42it's their favorite subject.
26:44I mean, you chat about money
26:45and you can't fail to impress them.
26:46- Yeah?
26:47- Yeah, God's honest.
26:50- I saw one of them old five pound notes the other day.
26:53(audience laughing)
26:59- Come here, Trig, Trig.
27:00No, no, no, no mate.
27:02I don't mean talk about your bloody coin collection, do I?
27:06I mean, you just gotta talk about your wealth.
27:08- Yeah, but I ain't got none of that.
27:09- Neither have half of these.
27:11They're all living in sin with their flexible friends.
27:14It just means you gotta chat about it.
27:16You just gotta talk, that's all.
27:19Look, I'll show you how it's done, look.
27:20Watch me, watch this.
27:28It's all go when you're in a high profile business,
27:30innit girls eh?
27:31- Really?
27:32- Yeah.
27:33'Course I'm in stock and shares meself.
27:35Yeah I bought a few thousand shares
27:36in a little department store this afternoon,
27:38now I've gotta phone me lawyer and me accountant.
27:40Gives you the 'ump, don't it?
27:42Excuse me, sorry, how do you spell 'Arrods?
27:46- Capital A.
27:48- Capital A.
27:49(audience laughing)
27:51Oh I see.
27:53Oh I see, alright, beam me up, Snotty.
27:55(audience laughing)
27:58That's all you need, innit?
27:59- Yeah.
28:01Here have this, I don't want it.
28:02Thanks.
28:03(audience laughing)
28:06("Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh)
28:07♫ Never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance
28:11♫ Looking for a little romance
28:15♫ Give her half a chance
28:15- See you later, Mickey.
28:17- Rodney, Rodney, hang on.
28:19What's happening, then eh?
28:20What's she all about?
28:22Her name is Cassandra, she lives in Blackheath
28:24and she is giving me a lift home.
28:27- She's got a car?
28:28- No she's giving me a cross bar.
28:30(audience laughing)
28:31Of course she's got a car.
28:33We're dropping her friend off first,
28:35she lives next door to Cassandra.
28:37- You're going to Blackheath,
28:38you can give me a lift home, then eh?
28:39- No.
28:40- Oh go on, I'm goin' a club over Blackheath.
28:42Just drop us off somewhere
28:43and I'll walk the rest of the way.
28:45- No, 'cause, um, well, she's only got a two seater.
28:49- Yeah if she's got a two seater,
28:50how come she's taking you and her mate?
28:52- No, look, Mickey.
28:54- Jevon, we're off.
29:01- You'd better not nause this up for me, Mickey.
29:02- Don't worry I'll be on my double best behavior.
29:05The perfect gentleman.
29:06- You'd better be.
29:07- Promise.
29:08What's her friend's name?
29:09- Emma.
29:09- She do a turn?
29:10(audience laughing)
29:13Don't get the 'ump.
29:22- You see, nowadays these modern Eurobirds,
29:24they go for the mature men who've made it in life.
29:27- Yeah?
29:28Is that why we're having no luck?
29:31- I haven't started yet.
29:32I'm just building myself up to it.
29:35- Yeah, well, you'd better hurry up,
29:36it'll be closing time soon.
29:38- Alright, alright.
29:49I think we're on a winner here, Trig.
29:52Alright, play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool.
29:55You know what I mean?
29:56(audience laughing)
30:19Drink up Trip, drink up, we're leaving.
30:24- Ain't you gonna try for them birds?
30:25- No, no, you're cramping me style mate,
30:27you're cramping me style.
30:29(audience laughing)
30:35- Me and Rodney live near each other.
30:36Do you know the Nyerere Estate, Peckham?
30:38- No, I can't say I've ever hear of it, no.
30:39- Well, it's a rather lively place,
30:41specially when the militants hold a Mardi Gras, eh Rodney.
30:46You two live in Blackheath?
30:47- Yes.
30:49- Hey you heard of a drinker round there
30:50called the Down by the Riverside Club?
30:52- No, I can't say I've ever heard of that either.
30:54Where is it?
30:56- Well, oh, it's down by the riverside, innit?
31:01- It's got a terrible reputation,
31:03full of unsavory characters.
31:05- Hey, I'm a member.
31:06- Beg your pardon.
31:08- That's alright, darling, I didn't even hear it.
31:10Didn't even hear it.
31:14- Oh please, God.
31:15- Alright, fair enough,
31:17you get a few unsavory characters get in there.
31:20But we enjoy ourselves.
31:21- So do lynch mobs.
31:23- Oh, bitchy.
31:24Just for that I'm not gonna let you
31:25give me a kiss goodnight.
31:26- Oh, God.
31:28(audience laughing)
31:32-[Cassandra] Here we are.
31:40- Night, Rodney.
31:41- Nigh, Emma.
31:47- Here, Rodney, clock the houses.
31:49- Yeah, nice eh?
31:51Nice?
31:52You gotta be talking 300k.
31:55Gonna be a bit of a culture shock for Cassandra
31:57when she drops you off at Nelson Mandela House, innit?
32:01Anyway, I'd better walk it from here eh?
32:03I'll see you, Rodney.
32:05Night, Cassandra.
32:07Goodnight Emma, love you.
32:09(laughing)
32:13- Goodnight. - Night.
32:16- Look, I'm sorry about Mickey.
32:18- Don't be silly.
32:19We all have friends who are over the top, shall we say?
32:21- Yeah.
32:23He's probably still upset about losing his money.
32:25- How'd he do that?
32:27- Well you remember when I asked you to dance?
32:29Well, I did it for a bet.
32:32Well, no, I didn't mean it like that.
32:33He said I wouldn't have the guts to ask you.
32:36But well, I did.
32:39- I get the feeling that hidden
32:40in that statement somewhere there's a compliment.
32:43- Yeah, a big compliment.
32:46Alright, then, I suppose we'd better
32:47be getting you back to what was it called?
32:49The Nyerere Estate?
32:52- I don't live in the Nyerere Estate.
32:54- But I thought Mickey said.
32:54- Mickey lives on the Nyerere Estate.
32:56I live near it.
32:57Well past it.
32:58Well quite a long way past it.
33:00(audience laughing)
33:02- Okay.
33:12What a lovely road you live in.
33:15-[Rodney] Yes, it's quite nice.
33:17Ah, here we are.
33:19(audience laughing)
33:22- You lucky thing, what a great house.
33:24- Oh well, I don't notice it really, you know.
33:27It's just a place to lay my head.
33:30Ah, good, my brother got the car home safely.
33:33(audience laughing)
33:35Well, thanks for the lift, Cassandra.
33:38- Pleasure.
33:39- Oh I'll give you my number.
33:43You can give me a ring, you know, if you like.
33:48- Thanks.
33:50Well, goodnight.
33:52- Night.
34:02- Goodnight, Rodney.
34:03(audience laughing)
34:04- Yes, of course.
34:26Please drive away.
34:27(audience laughing)
34:35Oh my God.
34:36(audience laughing)
34:46Hi, I'm home.
34:49(audience laughing)
34:53Please, Cassandra, go.
35:07(thunder booming)
35:15(audience laughing)
35:30Cosmic
35:38Cos bloody mic.
35:39(audience laughing)
35:53- Del.
35:55Del Boy.
35:59Del.
35:59(shouting)
36:02- What'd you wanna do that for, you soppy old duffer?
36:06- Bloody 'ell, I don't realize me own strength.
36:09- It's got nothing to do with your strength.
36:11I was having a few drinks earlier this evening
36:15in a very trendy wine bar with some of my yuppy friends
36:18and I happened to fall ass over head.
36:20(audience laughing)
36:22- You're gonna do yourself a lot of damage
36:24if you ain't careful.
36:25- I've already done meself a lot of damage.
36:28- I mean, you're not eating eating's for wimps.
36:30And you're drinking so much you're falling down in boozers.
36:34- I wasn't drinking.
36:35In fact I was on some very trendy
36:37funny tasting wine with, oh forget it.
36:41- I'm getting rid of that rubbish in the kitchen.
36:43Do you want me to chuck any thing else down the chute?
36:46- Not unless you're feeling in a kamikaze mood.
36:48(audience laughing)
36:50- Look, why don't you let me do you some grub eh?
36:54- Yeah, alright Uncle, I am feeling a bit hungry.
36:56Do me a health conscious fry up will ya?
36:58(audience laughing)
37:09I don't care what they say, you can't whack The Who.
37:12(audience laughing)
37:26Alright?
37:29- What?
37:31- I said, alright?
37:34- Terrific.
37:37- What's it like out?
37:39(audience laughing)
37:42- There's a few spots of rain in the air.
37:45- Yeah?
37:46It might help us shift some of those raincoats, might'nt it.
37:50Blimey, that one shrunk, innit?
37:51(audience laughing)
37:54Come on, let's have it here.
37:57Did you have a good night?
37:58- Not too bad.
38:00- Oh good.
38:01I stayed on at the wine bar.
38:03It's very nice, my sort of place that, you know?
38:06And then I went on for a drink down by the riverside, yeah.
38:11Actually that reminds me, I met that Mickey Pearce
38:14he came in, you know, right at the last knockings
38:16and he told me that you'd met this posh tart
38:19and she'd given you a lift home in her flash car.
38:23- That's right.
38:24- What's she got, a convertible?
38:25(audience laughing)
38:28- No.
38:29I asked her to drop me off half way, I fancied a walk.
38:33- What, in this weather?
38:35- Lots of people enjoy walking in the rain.
38:37- Yes I know, but they're usually recaptured very quickly.
38:41(audience laughing)
38:45- Del.
38:46- Yeah.
38:46- This bottle's empty.
38:47- That's alright, it's no problem.
38:48Chuck it in the rubbish.
38:53It's alright Rodney, you can't hide the truth from me.
38:55I know what happened tonight.
38:56I can read you like a book.
38:58- You know nothing, Del, so keep it out.
39:01- I know nothing, I know?
39:03Right, alright there my son, come on.
39:04Listen, I've got 20 in notes here, look, there they are,
39:07that says that I can guess what happened tonight.
39:11Go on then, you cover that.
39:12- Alright, go on then, know all, tell me.
39:17- Alright.
39:19That Mickey Pearce said that this
39:20Cassandra sort lived in a right nice drum.
39:25- Yeah, so?
39:27- So this is what I think happened.
39:31You saw her house and the snob in you came racing
39:35to the surface and you thought,
39:37oh, how can I take her back to Nelson Mandela House?
39:42(audience laughing)
39:45So on your way home, you made her drive up
39:49some right posh road somewhere like, King's Avenue.
39:55And then you stopped at some right nice little mansion
39:58and you pretended that's where you lived.
40:02- You don't half talk a load of rubbish.
40:03- Is that the truth?
40:05- Yes.
40:05- Thank you very much indeed.
40:06(audience laughing)
40:08That's it, Rodney, you see, you're like an open book,
40:11my son and it's thicker than my Filofax.
40:15♫ Double your money, try to get rich
40:23- I'll file your bloody fax.
40:28- Still raining?
40:30- No, I took a short cut through a car wash.
40:33- Alright, boy, don't have a go at me, I only asked.
40:36I'll chuck this stuff down the chute.
40:41- Here you are, dry yourself off.
40:44And don't be ashamed of where you live, Rodney.
40:46Look, I want better than this but I'm not ashamed of it.
40:49- Oh but Del, you should have seen her road.
40:52There weren't one window boarded up,
40:54all the lamp posts worked.
40:56I mean what would she have thought
40:57if she'd have come back here eh?
40:59Well I'd just keep driving straight past the burnt out panda
41:02car, Cassandra, and I live just before the next barricade.
41:05(audience laughing)
41:07- I know how you feel, Rodney,
41:08I've been through the same emotions meself.
41:11- You?
41:12- Yes, me.
41:13Well it was about 15, 16 years ago I met this bird and uh,
41:18yeah she was from Texas.
41:22- What, the do it yourself place?
41:23(audience laughing)
41:28- No, no, Texas in America.
41:31Yeah her old man was an oil baron or something.
41:34She had one of these long double barreled
41:36funny names like Elly May or something like that.
41:39- How would you meet an oil baron's daughter?
41:42- Well I was working when I was in the Tower of London.
41:44I was doing the old Happy Snaps, you know?
41:46Secondhand Brownie, no film, pound a go Lovely Jubbly.
41:49Anyway, she was there you see, and she asked me
41:52to take a picture of her and a Beefeater
41:55and one of these um, one of these crow things, right?
41:58So anyway, I start to chat her up, right, you know,
42:00and I offered to show her 'round London.
42:03So, anyway, after a little while
42:06we fell deeply in love with each other.
42:12Cor, what was her name now?
42:15Anyway, it doesn't matter.
42:16Anyway, you know what she said to me one day?
42:19- Where's my picture?
42:20(audience laughing)
42:24- No she didn't say that, no.
42:25She paid me a very great compliment.
42:28She said when she met me it reminded her
42:30of the day that President Kennedy died.
42:34- And that's the nicest compliments you've ever had?
42:36(audience laughing)
42:38- Yeah but don't you see what she meant?
42:40- No.
42:41- Well, I like to think that she meant that everyone
42:43remembers where they were the day they met Del Trotter.
42:47(audience laughing)
42:50- She might not have meant that.
42:52- Well what else could she have meant?
42:54- Well I don't know.
42:55Perhaps she meant you looked, yeah,
42:57you looked like Lee Harvey Oswald.
42:58(audience laughing)
43:00- I don't look like Lee Harvey bleedin' Oswald.
43:04God, who's Lee Harvey Oswald?
43:07- He's the bloke what shot Kennedy.
43:10You look a bit like him, Del.
43:11- No, I don't.
43:13- No, of course you don't.
43:13You look nothing like him.
43:14I'll get your grub.
43:16- Yeah.
43:18- So, anyway, what's you and Peggy Sue
43:19gotta do with me and Cassandra?
43:22- 'Cause she wanted to see where I lived and I had
43:24the same struggle with my conscience as you've had.
43:27I was frightened if I brought her back here
43:29she might think less of me.
43:31- So you didn't?
43:32- No, I did.
43:34- When?
43:35- Well, it was one Sunday, years ago now.
43:39- Well, where was I?
43:40- You was down the Mountbatten Estate
43:42selling them gas conversion kits.
43:43(audience laughing)
43:46- You bastard!
43:47(audience laughing)
43:50You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chickenpox
43:53just so you and Annie bloody Oakley
43:54could have the flat to yourselves.
43:55(audience laughing)
43:57- It wasn't like that, Rodney, wasn't like that.
43:59I was trying to present you with a challenge.
44:01- What, selling gas conversion kits
44:02on an all electric estate?
44:03That's a challenge and a half.
44:05- No, it's alright, listen, I'll tell you the truth.
44:10Alright, so I wanted to get
44:10rid of you for a couple of hours.
44:12I mean I was, well I was serious about her
44:14and wanted to make a good impression.
44:17I just thought, well, bringing her back to this
44:19tower block's bad enough but, I mean, if she saw you in
44:22that dopey shirt and all them Randolph Scotts all over
44:24your face, well, that'd be good night Vienna, wouldn't it?
44:30- So she come back here?
44:31- Yeah.
44:34I gave her a pot of tea and a Lyons Victoria sponge.
44:39(audience laughing)
44:41It was very nice.
44:43- And did she, you know, think anything less of you?
44:48- I dunno I never saw her again.
44:51I mean she went home, you know, her holiday was finished.
44:53- Did she write to you?
44:57- Cor blimey, look at it,
44:58it's bucketing down out there, look innit eh?
45:01- Here are, Del Boy.
45:03Oi, some little bird phoned for you about 15 minutes ago.
45:08I think she'd been on drugs.
45:10She said you left your coat in the back of her car
45:12and she'd taken it back to your house in the King's Avenue.
45:15(audience laughing)
45:17The people there had never heard of ya.
45:21- You conning git!
45:22Gimme that money back!
45:24- No, no.
45:25Sorry!
45:25Now stop it.
45:27Now, now, calm down.
45:30You've learnt a very valuable lesson tonight, haven't you?
45:33Don't gamble.
45:34' Cause you never know when the cards have been stacked.
45:37- I said, of course they'd never heard of him, he don't
45:39live in the King's Avenue, he lives on the Nyerere Estate.
45:43- You told her where I lived?
45:48Well, bang goes another dream.
45:50- No, ain't necessarily so, bruv.
45:52♫ It ain't necessarily so
45:55No she phoned up, left her phone number and said that
45:58she'd wait up 'til midnight so you could phone her back.
46:01- You're kidding?
46:02- She said she wants to hear from you tonight
46:04because she's going out tomorrow
46:05to buy a couple of tickets for some pop concert.
46:09- I bet it's Wet Wet Wet.
46:10(audience laughing)
46:16- Yeah, I'll bet.
46:17Ah cheers, Del.
46:18Oi, were's her number?
46:19- In my Filofax.
46:21(audience laughing)
46:23- Dammit!
46:24(audience applauding)
46:32♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
46:33♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
46:35♫ TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's
46:38♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
46:40♫ And at a push
46:41♫ Some Trevor Francis track suits
46:42♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush,
46:45♫ Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
46:47♫ No income tax, no VAT
46:50♫ No money back, no guarantee
46:53♫ Black or white, rich or broke
46:56♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
47:01♫ God bless Hooky Street
47:03♫ Viva Hooky Street
47:07♫ Long live Hooky Street
47:10♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
47:13♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
47:17♫ Hooky Street
47:20♫ Hooky Street
47:24♫ Hooky Street