Only Fools and Horses S06E02 — Danger Uxd

Every line from “Danger Uxd” (1244 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me bucket
00:06♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best 'uns
00:12♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:18♫ 'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la
00:35♫ La la la la la
00:36♫ La la la la
00:38♫ La la la la la
00:42- (laughs) Now, this machine is gonna change our lives.
00:46- Good.
00:47- Yes, it's top of the range, this high tech.
00:49- Yeah, you can see that by all them lights.
00:51- Yeah, yeah.
00:53I don't know how we've managed so long without one.
00:54- Nor do I.
00:56What is it?
00:59- What do you mean, what is it?
01:00It's a video tape recorder, innit?
01:01It's got a little computer and everything.
01:03When you go on your holidays,
01:04this thing'll record all your programs for you.
01:07- Amazing.
01:07- Yeah, nothing but the best.
01:09- Yeah.
01:12How's it know you're on holiday?
01:15- You send it a postcard, don't ya?
01:18No, you program it's little computer, don't ya,
01:20you daft old...
01:22Oh, come on, what's the matter with you?
01:23- No luck, eh?
01:24- No, it's all right, Unc, I'll get the hang of it.
01:26It's just, you know,
01:27it's just when it comes to technological things,
01:28normally I'm a natural.
01:29I just gotta get used to all its, uh...
01:31You know, its functions and its modes.
01:33- I thought the bloke you bought it from
01:34said an idiot could work it.
01:37- Yes.
01:38Yes, that's right, yes.
01:40Rodney?
01:41Come on.
01:42Shake a leg, it's gone six o'clock.
01:44- Yes, all right, keep the noise down will you?
01:47- Now look at the state of that.
01:49I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes
01:51looking smarter than that.
01:52- You got in late last night, son.
01:53Out with that little bird of yours?
01:55What's her name, Cassandra?
01:57- That's right.
01:58Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
02:02- Yeah?
02:03That takes me back.
02:05I used to go there whenever I was on home leave.
02:07I saw some of the best there, Rodney.
02:09Yeah, yeah.
02:10Here, you ever hear of John Barbirolli?
02:13- Yeah, of course I have.
02:14- Sir John was one of the greats.
02:16- Yeah, Barber and Ollie were pretty good and all.
02:19- I saw them all, Rodney.
02:21Adrian Boult, Sir Malcolm Sargent.
02:24Wonderful times.
02:26Who'd you see?
02:27- Eric Clapton.
02:29- Eric Clapton?
02:30He's a new one on me, yeah.
02:32Del Boy's got a new video recorder!
02:35- Oh, yeah?
02:36Yeah, there was a very interesting article in the paper
02:39the other day.
02:40Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world
02:42that don't have any rubbish dumps?
02:44They just send it all to him.
02:47- Oi, oi, oi, that's enough of that.
02:48This is none of your Taiwan junk,
02:50this was made in Formosa.
02:56- But Formosa is--
02:57- Albert, please.
02:58Don't confuse the issue.
03:00- Is? Is what?
03:01- Is one of the world's leading manufacturers
03:04of audio visual equipment.
03:06- And video recorders.
03:10- And video recorders.
03:12- Do you want some breakfast, Del?
03:13- No thanks, Albert.
03:14Breakfast is for wimps.
03:16- Rodney?
03:17- Yeah, I'm starving.
03:19(Albert humming)
03:22- Well, you know where I was last night
03:23whilst you was up at the Albert Hall?
03:25You know, headbanging and all that.
03:27I was having a drink with the managing director
03:29of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Center.
03:32- Didn't that used to be Ron's Cash and Carry?
03:34- Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name, yeah.
03:36No, that bloke has come on a bundle in the last few years.
03:39That man is at the front of new technological frontiers.
03:43He's got a Queen's Award for Industry plaque and all.
03:46- Yeah, I know.
03:47I was there when you sold it to him.
03:49- Oh, yeah, yeah, well exactly.
03:50Well, you and I, we both know it's a snide one, don't we,
03:53but the punters don't.
03:54They're impressed by the image.
03:55And that's what modern business is all about today, Rodney.
03:58It's about image.
03:59You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right?
04:03Now, take me for instance, I am a perfect example.
04:08- But you look exactly what you are.
04:10- Well thank you very much.
04:13It's only because I've got the right image.
04:14No, I mean it is.
04:15I mean it's the little things, you know.
04:16It's like me aluminum briefcase there,
04:18me Mercedes keyring, me Filofax.
04:21When people see these things, they know exactly what I am.
04:24- It is a bit of a giveaway, innit?
04:27- Better than a mason's handshake, bruv!
04:29You take me jewelry, you see.
04:31Now, a half sovereign ring
04:32can say an awful lot about a bloke.
04:34- Combined with a medallion it speaks volumes.
04:38- See, now we're talking the same language, ain't we, eh?
04:40See?
04:41That's what it-- ah!
04:42Albert, just a minute!
04:43You stay there, just stand there.
04:44Now then (clears throat)
04:45Rodney, as you see him standing there
04:48what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
04:50- Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?
04:55- It's 'cos I can't get any food in that fridge,
04:57it's filled up with tomatoes he bought last week.
04:59- Yes, all right, all right,
05:00I'm gonna get rid of them today, innit?
05:02No, I'm talking about image wise.
05:03All right, listen, come here a minute, look.
05:04You see, when I see him standing there,
05:06what this says to me, this says,
05:07here is a man who's worked hard all his life
05:10for an honest crust.
05:11Here is a man of strong principles.
05:14Here is a man you can trust.
05:17You see what I'm saying?
05:19You see how easy it is to fool people!
05:22All you've gotta do is have the right image.
05:24- Are you saying I've got to get an image?
05:26- No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one.
05:28You see, you take a look at me,
05:29you see I wear a trendy trenchcoat, Gordon Gekko braces.
05:33You wear a lumberjack's coat and Gordon Bennett boots.
05:37My image says, "I'm going right to the top, flat out."
05:40Your image says, "I'm going back to bed
05:41'cos I'm shagged out."
05:43You've gotta learn to be dynamic, Rodney!
05:45You must be dynamic, you see? (laughs)
05:48That's what it is!
05:48- Yes, all right.
05:50- I was a bit dynamic last night over Ron's Cash and--
05:52Over the Advanced Electronics Research
05:54and Development Center.
05:56I was where the big business opportunities occur.
05:59And I was in the position to snap 'em up.
06:01- And what exactly did you snap up?
06:03- That video recorder.
06:05- Financial Times and Dates must have gone through the roof.
06:10- No, I didn't just buy one of them, did I?
06:12I bought 50 of them.
06:14Rest of them are in the garage.
06:15Guess how much I paid?
06:16Only 50 quid each.
06:17- But that's two and a half grand.
06:19Where are you getting two and a half grand from?
06:21- I didn't, I got them on the knock, you know,
06:22buy now, pay later.
06:23When I sell them, Ronnie will get his money.
06:25- 50 quid each?
06:27Oh, they've gotta be hooky.
06:28- They are not hooky!
06:30Now, the reason that they're so cheap is
06:32because they come from a consignment where the manufacturers
06:35put in the wrong operating instructions.
06:39- Oh, great.
06:42So how are you gonna operate a video recorder
06:43with the instructions for a sandwich toaster?
06:47- I'm not, you are.
06:49- Well, you're the one who's taking diploma course
06:52in computer science.
06:53Again.
06:54- Yes, that's right,
06:55so programming a silly little thing like that
06:57ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents.
07:00- (sighs) Yes, all right, I'll do it for you.
07:02- (laughs) Good boy, good boy!
07:04You know it makes sense?
07:06Listen, I want you to record a program for me on ITV
07:08called City News.
07:09It's all about mega-powered business, Wall Street,
07:11big banks and all that.
07:13- Are you on it?
07:17- You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you.
07:20Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today.
07:22I want you to look really snappy for the punters,
07:24you know, with it.
07:25We've got a high profile image.
07:27- High pro...
07:28the only thing we've got that's high is this flat!
07:30- Oh, very funny, very funny!
07:32Hey, listen!
07:33I'm going to make a very important private phone call,
07:34I want you two to take those tomatoes down there
07:37and put them in the van, all right?
07:38Oh, by the way,
07:39don't forget the rest, all right?
07:45(pop song in background)
07:51- There you go, Denzil.
07:52There's your stew, that's a pound.
07:54- Cheers, I'll get you on the way back.
07:56- Right.
07:57Boeuf bourguignon?
08:02That's two pounds fifty, sir.
08:05- That's super!
08:07- Bon appetit.
08:11So, how's life treating you, then, Denz?
08:14- The same as Paxo treats a turkey.
08:17- As bad as that, eh?
08:18- Well whatever happened to good news, eh?
08:19Has it been privatized or what?
08:21- Here, I heard you started you own haulage company,
08:23Transworld Express.
08:25Any time, any load, anywhere.
08:27- That's right.
08:28But I've only got a transit.
08:30- A transit?
08:31So why all the big worldwide slogans?
08:34- Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service.
08:36Parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing.
08:39Then I bumped into Del.
08:41- Oh.
08:43Don't tell me.
08:44Image, yeah?
08:45- Yes.
08:46He said, "There is no place in the modern business world
08:48for small thinkers.
08:50You have got to be big, brave, and brazen," he said.
08:52- Why'd you listen to him?
08:53- Well I keep telling meself I shouldn't
08:55take no notice of him, but Del insists.
08:58Does he still drink in here, by the way?
09:00- Yeah, occasionally.
09:02But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham,
09:04he's been hanging round the wine bars and bistros.
09:06Of course, one by one they're barring him.
09:09- They're bound to, aren't they?
09:11- See them over there?
09:12They only come in here to avoid him.
09:14- I saw Rodney this morning, he was wearing a suit.
09:17- Someone must have died.
09:20There ain't much good news around, is there Denzil?
09:23- Denzil, my old man!
09:26- I was just off, Del.
09:27- No, not until I bought you a drink you're not.
09:29Pina colada for me, please, Michael.
09:30Same again for Denzil.
09:32Here I've told you before, you ought to clean your pipes out
09:33that looks terrible.
09:36Listen, Michael, listen to me.
09:37I've just come back from Folkestone,
09:39I've got 25 six kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes
09:43straight off the ferry, still got the dew on them,
09:46two pound fifty a box.
09:47What do you say, do your salads up a treat.
09:48- What, two fifty a box?
09:50- Yeah.
09:51- Go on, then, Del, I'll have one.
09:52- Good, I put three boxes aside for you.
09:53Rodney's on his way down with them.
09:55- Come on then, Denzil, come on!
09:56Come and sit down over there,
09:57tell me what you've been up to, all right?
10:00Ah, Chloe, Adrian, how nice to see you again.
10:05- Oh God, it's him.
10:08Hello.
10:09- Hello!
10:10Hello.
10:12(clears throat) They're my sort of people.
10:15- What, you mean the bistro kids?
10:16- Oh, yeah.
10:17I was in the bar the other night with Adrian
10:20and we were debating the Trust House 40 Cunard merger.
10:24Oh yeah, that's the sort of things I like these days,
10:26you know, Denzil.
10:27The cut and thrust to and fro of an honest,
10:29well honed argument.
10:32I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him.
10:35Still, it's all over.
10:36We're still friends, aren't we?
10:37Hey!
10:38- Perrier water under the bridge, eh?
10:39- Yeah.
10:41Oh, here he comes, there you are!
10:42Thank you, Michael.
10:44Cheers.
10:53- Just look at me.
10:56I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight.
10:59- Well, you've ruined it, haven't you?
11:01- This is your fault.
11:02It's all so I could present an image.
11:04Well I am presenting an image.
11:06I'm presenting the image of someone
11:08who's covered in tomato stains.
11:10- Oh, that'll come off.
11:12Mike, give him something to mop that up with, will ya?
11:15- How 'bout a slice of bread? (laughs)
11:19- I need him, didn't I?
11:21I bloody need him.
11:23- That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney.
11:24- Yeah, I know it was.
11:26God knows how I'm gonna get it clean for tonight.
11:28I'll probably have to cancel my date with Cassandra
11:30and it'll ruin my evening
11:32and she might meet a geezer
11:33who isn't covered in tomato juice
11:34and that'll ruin my life and it's all your fault!
11:37- Oh, shut up and sit down, you big old brass.
11:40- Tell Rodney about your luck, that should cheer him up.
11:42- Hey, what's that, no luck, me old mate?
11:44- Oh, no, Del, lots of luck.
11:45And all bad.
11:47Last Friday was mine and Corinne's anniversary.
11:50- Oh my god.
11:52- No, Del, that's not the bad luck.
11:55See, a while back I got this contract
11:57with this plastics factory over at Defford.
11:59They make garden furniture, camping equipment,
12:02toys, the lot.
12:03- Oh yeah?
12:05- Yeah.
12:06- Well, go on, carry on, yeah, yeah.
12:08- Yeah, well Friday afternoon I got this urgent call
12:11from the factory to go to a shop in High Wycombe
12:13and pick up 50 dolls that were being returned,
12:16faulty stock.
12:17But it's my anniversary, isn't it,
12:19and I've promised to take Corinne out for the evening.
12:21By the time I have got through all the rush hour traffic,
12:23it's half past six and I've still got the dolls onboard.
12:27So what do I do?
12:28Take them back to the factory like I'm supposed to
12:30and let Corinne down
12:31or leave them on the truck until Monday
12:33and hope no one tweaks.
12:35- Oh, well.
12:37It's obvious, innit?
12:38You let Corinne down.
12:42- No.
12:43How can a return of faulty dolls be urgent?
12:46I'd have left them on me trunk till Monday.
12:48- That's exactly what I did.
12:49And what happens?
12:51The factory went up in flames,
12:52exploded by all accounts.
12:55Normally I can carry on working for them
12:56because they've got other depots,
12:58but tomorrow morning I have got to hand in
13:00this unsigned docket which proves I collected the dolls,
13:03but also proves that I didn't deliver them.
13:06When the governors find out,
13:07they are either gonna think that I have become unreliable,
13:10or worse still, that I am on the thieve.
13:13- Yeah, that's a problem, innit, Denzil?
13:15- Yeah.
13:16- It's no problem.
13:18Are you two gonna be plonkers for the rest of your lives?
13:22This is no problem at all.
13:25This is a gift from the gods.
13:27(laughs)
13:30(clears throat) Give us this here, now.
13:33- What are you doing, guv?
13:34- I'm getting you out of stuck and into the money, right.
13:38Right, now, listen.
13:39I've signed that docket, right?
13:41I've put on Friday's date.
13:43Now they never bother to check these things.
13:46Now as far as anyone's concerned,
13:47all them dolls went up in flames
13:49with the rest of the factory.
13:52Them dolls on the back of your truck no longer exist.
13:56This means that the owners will get more insurance money,
14:00you get an empty truck, plus a hundred nickel bounce.
14:03Me and the Tomato Kid here,
14:04we get 50 dolls to flog down the market
14:08and the great British public
14:09have another bargain of a lifetime.
14:12Everyone's a winner, petit de journee, all right?
14:17I'll now go and empty your van onto ours, Denzil.
14:20Thank you very much, see you later.
14:23Ciao, Chloe, Adrien!
14:24TTFN, Michael.
14:32- How much you pay for them?
14:34- Hmm?
14:34Two quid each.
14:36So if we can knock 'em out at, what, say a tenner a go,
14:37that's what, 400 quid profit, eh?
14:40Lovely jovely.
14:42- You've just bought 50 dolls
14:43that have got something wrong with them.
14:45- There's nothing wrong with those dolls, Rodney.
14:47You know what these quality control geezers are like.
14:49You know, they see one little scratch on them
14:50and they stamp them reject like (blows raspberry).
14:53- What about them dolls you was selling at Christmas?
14:55- There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there?
14:58You laid them back in your arms like that,
15:00they close their little eyes
15:00and they looked exactly as if they was asleep.
15:02- Yeah and we had to try and keep them closed, didn't we?
15:05Because when you opened them they was backsides.
15:09- Yeah, well.
15:11They had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I grant you.
15:15Well, that's why they were such a bargain.
15:16Anyway, the kids didn't notice, did they?
15:19All except that little one who had nightmares.
15:22And I always said there was something wrong with her
15:23to start with.
15:24Anyway, these are probably top of the range, these.
15:26Like Barbie or Cindy dolls or something like that.
15:29- Del, these dolls aren't called Barbie or Cindy.
15:32These calls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
15:39- You can't have dolls with names like that!
15:43- You can if you go to the right shops.
15:57- Ah, gee, huh.
16:01What have we got ourselves into here?
16:05- Well this is your fault, innit?
16:07You never stop to ask questions, do you?
16:09You just go crashing in and to hell with the consequences.
16:11- That is because I've got a high profile!
16:13- Yeah, high profile and low forehead.
16:17- They're big for little dolls, isn't they?
16:20- No, Unc, they ain't ordinary dolls.
16:24You get them advertised in magazines.
16:28- Where's that Radio Times?
16:31- Albert, have a day off, will ya?
16:35I mean seedy magazines for kinky, sleazy little men.
16:40- You're pulling my leg.
16:41- Oh, am I?
16:43You have a look at this, then.
16:50- He's right and all, Del.
16:51- I know he's right.
16:53Cor blimey, look at all this lot in here.
16:57We got more colors in here than Jelly Babies, luv.
17:04- Cor, I tell you, Del,
17:05we're gonna have to get rid of them a bit lighter.
17:07- Yes, I know.
17:08You're right and all.
17:09- Look at the prices they sell for!
17:1160 pounds each!
17:13- On the other hand, let's not be too...
17:15Now, let's not be too hasty, eh, Rodney.
17:16- Oi, come on, Del.
17:18- No, you were the one that was having a go at me just now
17:20for, you know, making quick decisions, weren't you?
17:22Here, here, Albert let me just have a look at that magazine.
17:26Just go on, hang on--
17:27- Don't give 'em to me!
17:29- Del, we can't sell these!
17:31- Rodney, Rodney, look at this.
17:33These things, they sell for 60 quid each, don't they?
17:36And these ones are self inflating deluxe models
17:40for the more discerning weirdo.
17:44- Maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts.
17:47- Rodney, if we can sell these for just, what,
17:49say 30 quid each,
17:51that means that we'd make, what 1400 quid profit.
17:54Just think of that.
17:55Think of that, would you, one thousand four hundred
17:57lovely smackeroonys split right down the middle
17:58between you and me.
17:59That means by this time tomorrow
18:00you could have 600 quid of your own, own your hip.
18:05And I know who'll buy them of us and all.
18:07- Who?
18:07- Dirty Barry.
18:09- Who's Dirty Barry?
18:10- Well, he runs a little, um, personal shop
18:12down the Woolworth Road.
18:14And he'll take the lot off us.
18:16- And what happens if Cassandra finds out?
18:19- Why, does she want one?
18:21- You know what I mean.
18:23She won't want to see me again, will she?
18:25- Well, how's she gonna find out?
18:27- You stand a fair chance of getting caught
18:28if you go walking around the streets
18:30in broad daylight with them.
18:31- Well, we won't, will we?
18:32We'll go down there tonight with them.
18:33He's open till about eight o'clock.
18:35- Just get them out of here as quick as you can.
18:37I don't like the idea of sharing my home
18:39with these evil little things
18:41that bring nothing but bad luck.
18:43- Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in.
18:47- Well, I'll tell you, Del,
18:48I don't want nothing to do with them.
18:49- Now, now wait a minute, Rodney.
18:50Now, wait a minute, look, we're traders, aren't we?
18:52All we're doing is trading.
18:53This is just a one off deal, that's all.
18:55I mean, people make a living out of these sort of things.
18:57It's big business and all, innit?
18:59I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't you,
19:01all those MPs and Vicars all going off to them vice dens
19:04up in Soho to get whipped and beaten up.
19:08And they pay 200 quid, you know,
19:10for the privilege and all.
19:12Blimey, they woulda walked this estate one night,
19:13they get it damn free and on National Health.
19:17- Yeah, but them sorta people are sick.
19:20- Yes, I know, but they're still human beings.
19:23I mean, some weirdo wants to get it going
19:24with a half a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen,
19:27well that's his business.
19:30As far as I'm concerned,
19:30he can have a meaningful relationship with a...
19:32With a barrage balloon.
19:34- Long as it's in the privacy of his own hangar.
19:37- Exactly.
19:38Now, listen, I'm gonna give Dirty Barry a bell
19:40and tell him that we're gonna be over there
19:41later on tonight.
19:43- Rodney, tell me the truth.
19:46You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls,
19:48could you?
19:51- To be honest with you, Unc, no I couldn't.
19:54- Barry?
19:55Del Boy.
19:56- But I know a man who can.
20:01- Thank you my darling.
20:03- That's five pounds, fifty-four.
20:06- Cheers.
20:07- It's almost ready.
20:07I'll fetch for you.
20:12- Good evening.
20:13Police in South London have warned the public
20:15to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls
20:18which went missing from a factory
20:20in Defford over the weeekend.
20:22A police spokesman today said that due to a technical error,
20:25the dolls have been loaded with gasses
20:27which include the highly explosive
20:28and volatile gas, propane.
20:32- Good God!
20:33- ...burned to the ground on Saturday night.
20:34And experts suspect the fire may have been caused
20:37by the presence of propane.
20:39The theft came to light
20:40when security men noticed a forged signature
20:43on a delivery docket.
20:45Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal,
20:47particularly when exposed to heat,
20:49and have appealed for their immediate return.
20:55- Your food is ready!
20:58Usually they take their food and run off without paying.
21:00This guy's got it all wrong.
21:05(telly in the background)
21:10- I don't believe it.
21:12I don't believe it!
21:14Well, that's the last time I trust you
21:16with anything, Rodney.
21:17- Look, I've already told you,
21:18there's something wrong with that machine.
21:20- I asked him to set this to record a program
21:22on ITV called City News.
21:25What have I got?
21:26Open University on BBC2.
21:28So instead of keeping my fingers on the ever changing
21:30pulse of the stock market,
21:32I'm watching Christopher Dopey Wren on how
21:34he built St. Paul's Cathedral!
21:36- I think it's interesting.
21:38- Yeah, you would.
21:38You were most probably around
21:39when he applied for planning permission.
21:42- It's nippy in here, innit?
21:43Is it all right if I turn the thermostat up?
21:45- Yeah.
21:46You sure it's not too technical for you?
21:51(TV static)
21:52- Oh, you dipstick, Rodney!
21:54Now, look what you've done!
21:55- Me?
21:56- I thought Rodney knew about videos.
21:58- Yeah, Emmanuelle in Bangkok and that's about it!
22:02- I programmed that computer
22:04to record the program you wanted.
22:06Now, it's not my fault
22:06if it decided to record something else, is it?
22:09That machine is...
22:12Up the wall.
22:14- Oh, yoU're trying to blind me with science, now, ain't ya?
22:16- Personally, I think these computers
22:17are more trouble than they're worth.
22:20- How do you figure that, Al?
22:21- There was a film on earlier all about computers.
22:23- You're joking.
22:25I wish I'd recorded it.
22:27- Hang around, Rodney, you most probably have.
22:30- It was called War Games.
22:31It was all about this shop kid
22:33who messes around with computers.
22:35And one day, he broke into the computer
22:37that controls the American nuclear defense system.
22:40He almost got us into World War III.
22:43- No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there?
22:45World War III?
22:46This plonker can't even get us into Channel Three.
22:49- Have you read the instructions to your video recorder?
22:53- (scoffs) No, I haven't actually read them, no.
22:57- Well, why don't you do that small thing, Derek?
22:59I think you'll find it very interesting
23:01because we have instructions in German, Spanish,
23:04French, and Italian, and not one single word in English.
23:09And that's why your machine don't work.
23:11It was made strictly for sale in Europe.
23:14- But we are in Europe!
23:15We're in the common market, ain't we?
23:16- Yes, I know that,
23:17but we've got a different electrical system
23:19to the rest of Europe.
23:21And that's why your machine is on the blink.
23:23It's components are burning out.
23:25It is what's technically known as knackered.
23:27I tell you, Willie Nelson's tucked you up.
23:31- Oh, I can't believe it.
23:34Well that's all I need, innit?
23:37- You won't be able to sell the others now, Del.
23:39- Too late, Unc, I've sold them all this afternoon.
23:41- You've sold them?
23:42- Mm.
23:4370, uh, 60 quid each.
23:45- You'll have to give the money back.
23:46- Why?
23:47- Because they don't work.
23:49- Well, what do you expect for 60 quid?
23:51They've all been tucked up, I'm just passing it on,
23:53that's all.
23:54It's business.
23:55Oh, don't worry about it, everything is gonna be cushty.
23:58- You are something else, you are.
24:00- You're too picky, Rodney, that's your problem.
24:04(Del clears throat)
24:06(flatulent noise)
24:17What was that funny sound?
24:20- I don't know.
24:22What you looking at me for?
24:24- Well most funny sounds in this flat
24:26tend to emanate from your vicinity.
24:28- Well, I didn't do it.
24:37(flatulent noise)
24:42- What is that funny noise?
24:43- All right, shush.
24:46(flatulent noise)
24:58(pop)
25:00(shouting)
25:07(door slamming)
25:09- What's happening?
25:10What's happening, Rodney?
25:11- Well how the hell should I know?
25:12- You're the one with the GCE's.
25:12- They've come alive, that's what's happened.
25:14- Oh, come alive!
25:15What do you think this is, Pinocchio?
25:16- I've seen this happen before!
25:18Years ago I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony.
25:22This witch doctor ran his hands over a dead cat
25:25and it come back alive!
25:26- Oh yeah?
25:27I wish he lived around here.
25:28He'd be able to work my video.
25:31All right, just, just, just...
25:33Just take it easy, all right?
25:35All right, calm down.
25:37(gas hissing)
25:41(pop)
25:42- Oh!
25:44That's you, that is, talking about Jamaica, luv.
25:47I don't understand it.
25:47I thought you were supposed to pull a string
25:49or press a button or something to inflate them.
25:50- Aye, so did I.
26:01Maybe they're too close to your air duct.
26:02Well that must have caused it, see?
26:04They must have a little canister of gas inside them
26:06and the heat set them off.
26:08What did you go and stick them next to the old air duct for?
26:10- Well, I didn't know that it would do that.
26:12Anyway, you're the one that switched the thermostat.
26:14- Well, I didn't know that it was gonna do that either!
26:16- Yes, all--
26:17-[Rodney] What do you think I am?
26:18- Look, all right!
26:19All right, you two!
26:20Now just pack it in for god's sake, will ya?
26:23I mean, you know, what will our guests think?
26:28(laughing)
26:30They're ugly looking mares, aren't they?
26:33- Seen you with worse.
26:35- Rodney, you're gonna cop an unfortunate one in a minute!
26:37- Listen, we can't stand here arguing.
26:39We gotta do something before the rest of those
26:41black and white minstrels pop up.
26:43- All right, all right, don't panic.
26:44Don't panic.
26:46We'll just deflate 'em.
26:47- How?
26:48- Well, they must have a little valve
26:49in them somewhere, right?
26:50- Yeah, that's right.
26:52Yeah, well.
26:53Go on, why don't you go in, Rodney.
26:56- You could do it.
26:57Could be anywhere.
26:59- And I ain't lookin' for it, either.
27:00Could be illegal!
27:02- What are you talking about, illegal?
27:03They can't phone for the police, can they, eh?
27:07All right, all right.
27:08Do it yourself, Del Boy.
27:12(clears throat)
27:30There it is, look.
27:31There, look right there.
27:33Back there.
27:34Just go on and stick...
27:35Go on Rodney, have a go at that one.
27:38Here, I'll use one of these cocktail sticks there, luv.
27:49Does Cassandra let you do that?
27:51- Shut up.
27:54- Nothing's happening.
27:55- Yeah, same here.
27:56- Maybe they're dodgy valves.
27:58We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the Navy.
28:00- Oh, yeah?
28:01How can you tell?
28:02- Well once they're up, they won't come down.
28:05- Well you remember what Denzil said?
28:07They were faulty, weren't they?
28:08He was taking them back to the factory.
28:10It must be the valves that are faulty.
28:13- Then how are we gonna let them down?
28:15- Well how should I know?
28:16- Can't you stick pins in 'em?
28:18- You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you?
28:20Of course we can't.
28:21We've got 60 quid in profit tied up in these two.
28:24- Oh, look, what's 60 now, see?
28:27Come on, let's just burst them.
28:29- Rodney, Rodney, don't you dare do that!
28:30Give me that here!
28:32Cor, dear, your mother would turn somersaults in her grave
28:35if she could see you doing that.
28:37She did not bring us up to throw good money away
28:39just 'cos we got a little problem.
28:42We'll find a way in which we can get them down
28:43to Dirty Barry's.
28:45- And how are you gonna explain the fact
28:46that they are fully inflated?
28:48- I'll just say they're samples.
28:49I'll say we blew them up so we could see them
28:50in all their natural beauty.
28:54(clears throat)
28:55Yeah, we'll chuck 'em in the back of the van,
28:56they'll be out of sight then.
28:58- But how are you getting them out of this flat,
28:59down the stairs, through the main doors,
29:02right across the full court where the van's parked,
29:04without anyone seeing ya?
29:06- He always has to spoil everything, doesn't he?
29:09- He's got a point, though, ain't he?
29:10I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate,
29:12someone's bound to see ya.
29:13- Yeah, all right, all right, well, I'll think of a way.
29:16Listen the first thing we gotta do
29:17is to get these into another room.
29:19I mean if that bloke from the council turns up,
29:20talking to us about buying this flat,
29:22I mean god knows what he'll say
29:23if he sees Pepsi and Shirlie here.
29:26Now go put these in Rodney's room.
29:28- What, no, why?
29:29I've already got a wardrobe
29:30full of Mum's old clothes in my room.
29:32Them two'd just about take the biscuit.
29:34- Well, who's gonna see them?
29:35- In case I bring Cassandra back.
29:38Put 'em in your room.
29:39- No. In case I bring a bird back.
29:41Put 'em in Albert's room.
29:42- Case I bring a...
29:45All right, put them in my room.
29:48- I've gotta go and meet Cassandra.
29:49I'll see you later.
29:50- Oi, Rodney!
29:52Just make sure you don't do anything
29:53that might cause embarrassment to our family.
29:58- Del, I don't think I could do anything
29:59that would cause embarrassment to our family.
30:03- Good boy.
30:04Good boy.
30:05Mum'd be proud of you.
30:08Mum, Mum!
30:10That's it, Rodney!
30:12I think I've just worked out a way
30:13of how we can get these down to Dirty Barry's!
30:16(laughs)
30:19- Oh no.
30:27- These tomatoes are a bit manky, aren't they, Mike?
30:31Still, they make your beer taste better.
30:34- I'll have you know, they were fresh Jersey tomatoes.
30:37- Oh, yeah?
30:38When?
30:39- Why do you come in this pub, Trig?
30:41- For the company.
30:43- Trigger doesn't have many friends
30:45or opportunities for social outlet.
30:48Every weekend he goes down to the park
30:49and throws bread to the ducks.
30:52To him it's a dinner party.
30:55So during the week he has a straight choice
30:57between sitting in the cemetery or sitting in this pub.
31:00Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six.
31:04- What is the matter with everyone today?
31:06Trigger's done nothing but moan,
31:08you've got a face like a constipated rat.
31:11At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke
31:13and has a laugh.
31:14- It is due to the activities of the aforementioned
31:17Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat.
31:21Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
31:24- How is he?
31:25- A lot richer than before he popped in
31:27to see me this afternoon.
31:29He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each.
31:32I snapped 'em up.
31:33- 70 knicker each?
31:34What, they fall of the back of a lorry?
31:36- If they did,
31:37they were going around the bend in Dusseldorf.
31:40- How do you mean?
31:41- I have just discovered that these machines
31:43only work on the Continental current.
31:46To make them work on the British system
31:47would take a transformer the size of a suitcase
31:51and an electrician of such genius
31:53I'd have to go headhunting at Cape Canaveral.
31:57- 70 knicker each?
31:58- Eh?
32:00- Those video recorders, 70 knicker each?
32:03- Yeah.
32:04- I'll have one.
32:10- No, no, Trig.
32:11See, they only work on the Contintental--
32:13all right, I'll drop one round.
32:14- Yeah.
32:15Cheers, boys, eh!
32:16- Mike, Mike!
32:17- Hang on, hang on, I've only got one pair of hands.
32:20- Have you seen Del Boy?
32:21- Oh, no, he ain't been in tonight.
32:22- Oh, bloody hell, I've gotta do something really quick.
32:25Is your phone working?
32:26- Is the phone working? (laughs)
32:30- Look, we had a spot of bother the other week,
32:31they tore the wires out.
32:32Well, what's all the panic?
32:33- I sold Del some dolls, inflatable dolls.
32:36- Inflatable dolls?
32:39- Yeah, well he didn't know they were inflatable.
32:40I never knew they were inflatable!
32:42I picked them up from a place called Playthings.
32:45I thought it was a toy shop.
32:47Well, apparently, the police are looking for them.
32:49They're dangerous.
32:50They've been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders,
32:52they're full of something called propane!
32:55- Propane?
32:56Here, that's explosive, isn't it?
32:57- Very!
32:58Del's got 50 little time bombs on his hands!
33:00If them things get hot,
33:01they are gonna have to redo the A to Zed.
33:05I'll pop around his flat, I'll see you later.
33:10- That's bad news, innit?
33:14- Terrible.
33:16- That is tragic.
33:18(Boycie and Mike laugh)
33:34- Hurry up, then, it's all clear!
33:42- Ah, what a very pleasant evening.
33:46- (muttering) I'm gonna kill you.
33:49- Now, get the van, Albert.
33:52It'll be all right
33:53as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves.
34:01- Look.
34:01- Hmm what?
34:04Oh.
34:06(laughs)
34:09Hurry up, Albert!
34:13- It's locked.
34:14- Cor, blimey.
34:17Have you got the keys, Rodney?
34:18- Yeah, here you are.
34:20Hurry up.
34:21- Drive the van back over here, Unc.
34:23- But I'm not insured.
34:24- Well, don't have a crash then!
34:26Hurry up!
34:30What if the police patrol sees us?
34:32- It's all right, these dolls ain't hooky.
34:35- I'm thinking more of a public indecency charge.
34:38How are you gonna explain this in court?
34:41- I shall tell the truth, Rodney.
34:43I shall say, "Yes, your honor, The other evening
34:46my brother and I decided to go out for a drink
34:47with two life size inflatable dolls
34:50which were wearing my late mother's clothing."
34:53They can't put you in prison for that, Rodney, can they?
34:56- No, they'll chuck us in Broodmoor.
34:58The Norman Bates Wing, most probably.
35:01- Hold up, hold up.
35:03- Good evening Derek.
35:04- Evening, Clayton.
35:05- Good evening, Rodney.
35:07- Evening, Mr. Cooper.
35:09- Good evening, ladies.
35:10- (high pitched) Good evening.
35:26- Right, that's me finished with them, okay?
35:27- Just a minute, just a minute, wait.
35:29Ain't you coming down to Dirty Barry's with us?
35:30- No, I ain't.
35:32I've got a date with Cassandra.
35:33- Look I had a date with that Simone sort
35:35from the Cuthbright butchers.
35:37And she had a bag of liver for us!
35:40Knocked her on the head.
35:42Business comes first.
35:43- Well, I'm not knocking Cassandra on the head.
35:45Look, you bought 'em, he blew 'em up,
35:47so it's YP, Derek.
35:49- YP?
35:50- Your Problem.
35:53- You dipstick.
35:56Come on, Albert!
35:57Get in the van!
35:58- Why have I got to come in with ya?
36:00- I need you to help me carry them into Dirty Barry's.
36:04(car doors close)
36:06Don't keep worrying, we're in the van now,
36:09no one can see them.
36:11- I hope you're right.
36:12- Trust me.
36:14Have I ever put you wrong before?
36:31(tires screeching)
36:38♫ Is you is or is you ain't my baby
36:40- You are a liar, Rodney.
36:42- Cassandra, that hurts me.
36:45I have never told an untruth in my life.
36:47I happen to come from an extremely honest family.
36:50- You told me you lived in a great big house.
36:52- Well, I do live in a great big house.
36:54Nelson Mandela House.
36:56About 70 flats in it, you can't get much bigger than that.
36:59- I drove you home to where you claim to live
37:01and it most certainly was not a council estate.
37:04It was a mansion.
37:05I mean, there was a brand new Mercedes in the front
37:07and most probably an Olympic size swimming pool at the back.
37:11And the people who owned the house came to the window
37:13and you had the gall to wave at them.
37:15- Yes, I remember.
37:17And I swore to myself that night
37:19that never again would I go out
37:21without my contact lenses.
37:23- Shut up.
37:27- Enjoy your meal.
37:28- Thanks - Thank you.
37:32No, well, you know.
37:34I saw your house and it looked so nice
37:35I decided I better spruce a bit.
37:37- You must've known I'd find out.
37:39- No.
37:41Well, I didn't feel I'd ever see you again.
37:43- Why?
37:45- Don't know, just didn't.
37:48I wanted to see you again, but...
37:51Did you want to see me again?
37:53- Yes, I did.
37:54- Why?
37:55- Because I thought you lived in a great big house
37:56and had a Mercedes.
37:59Why did you want to see me again?
38:01- Well, I wanted to see what you looked like
38:03once I had me contact lenses in.
38:06- And?
38:10- Well, it's come as a big disappointment, Cassandra,
38:12I'm sorry.
38:13- Oh, don't apologize.
38:14It happens all the time.
38:15I meet a guy, we get on well,
38:17he regains his sight, end of story.
38:20- It's a tough world.
38:21- Mm.
38:23I'd like to meet your brother.
38:24(sputters)
38:29- Why?
38:30- Just the things you've told me about him.
38:31Seems like an interesting kind of person.
38:33- Yes, Del can sometimes be interesting.
38:38Most of the time he's just baffling.
38:41- Come on, come on!
38:49Will you take that thing off?
38:50You look like Little Red Riding Hood.
38:52- I don't want anyone here recognizing me.
38:54- Who the hell's gonna recognize you, eh?
38:56- You might not believe it, but during the war
38:59I was quite a celebrity around these parts.
39:01It was 'cos of all the medals i won for bravery under fire.
39:05- The only acts of bravery you ever performed
39:06were underwater.
39:08Right.
39:09- Say someone saw us holding these things.
39:12They might ring the press and they'd have a field day,
39:15what with me being an old war hero.
39:17They'd call me one of those silly Fleet Street nicknames.
39:20They'd call me The Old Man and the PVC
39:23or something like that.
39:24- Will you stop moaning?
39:27(knocks on door)
39:28-[Man] Who's there?
39:30- Barry, it's me, Del Boy.
39:32-[Barry] Hold on.
39:34(clicking sounds from within)
39:38- He's security conscious, isn't he?
39:41- No, he's just moving some of his stock.
39:47- Come in.
39:56Who's the monk?
39:59- Oh, that's not...
40:00That's my Uncle Albert, he's all right, he's old.
40:02- So what's occurring?
40:03You buying or selling?
40:06- Selling.
40:06- Yeah, what?
40:08- What do you mean what?
40:09These.
40:10These things of course.
40:11What do you think I'm doing, giving them a guided tour?
40:13- Hey, they're not the dolls
40:14the police are looking for, are they?
40:16- Police?
40:17- Uh, no.
40:17No, no, no.
40:18No, no, no.
40:19No, these, uh, these come from up north.
40:20There's a shop I know that, uh, went out of business.
40:22And I thought I'll get these for my mate, Dir...
40:24Uh, Barry.
40:25- Went out of business did he?
40:26- Mm.
40:27- Yeah, it's happening everywhere, Del.
40:28The bottom's falling out of this game.
40:30- Listen, Barry, now, you're a businessman.
40:32You know a bargain when you see one.
40:33Now these are the finest quality, top of the range,
40:35they normally retail around, what, the 70 quid mark.
40:39I'm selling them for 30 quid each.
40:41- Yeah, you're right, Del, they are cheap.
40:42Someone's gonna get a bargain.
40:44- No, no, not someone, Barry.
40:45Not someone, you!
40:47- No can do, Del.
40:48See, I had a visit from the Council yesterday.
40:50They revoked me license, closed me down.
40:53- Well, where am I gonna get rid of them, then?
40:54- Well, nowhere local.
40:55I mean, they're closing us all down.
40:57We're selling our stock, not buying.
40:59- What about Soho?
41:00- You won't have any joy there, mate.
41:02Their stockrooms are full.
41:04We sold them all our gear this morning.
41:07Nah, I tell you, Maggie Thatcher's ruined this business.
41:11- At last someone's got something good to say about her.
41:14- Huh.
41:16- Listen, I wouldn't take no notice of him.
41:17He's an old sailor.
41:18He's still got a bit of depth charge lodged in his brain.
41:22Come on, Brother Albert.
41:31Just my luck, innit eh?
41:33If I coulda bought them dolls a couple of days ago,
41:35I could've outed them.
41:37Instead of that, Dirty Barry and his mates
41:39have flooded the market.
41:41And whilst they got rid of their stock,
41:42I'm lumbered here with Polythene Pam and Vinyl Vera.
41:47Oh, get off, hot air date.
41:50- It's God's punishment, it is.
41:52- Will you stop going on about God and voodoo and all that?
41:55You'll be shaking bones
41:57and waving shrunken heads about next.
42:01(Albert sniffs)
42:03- Oh I know!
42:04I know what we're doing.
42:06We'll hang onto them till the market picks up.
42:09I mean, it's only like the stock exchange, innit?
42:11You know, up and down, supply and demand,
42:13constantly fluctuating.
42:16We'll hang onto them and wait for the big bang!
42:19(laughs)
42:25- Goodnight, sir, madam.
42:26Thank you.
42:26- Oh, cheers.
42:30- Can I give you a lift home?
42:31- Oh, no thank you.
42:33My mom warned me about girls like you.
42:35The lift home's all very well,
42:36but you'll expect a lot more than a goodnight kiss,
42:38won't ya?
42:40And I am not that sort of boy.
42:42- And I thought you were cert.
42:44Look, I promise I won't try and unbutton your shirts
42:45or take your string vest off.
42:47- Hmm.
42:48Nah, it's all right.
42:49If you give me a lift home, you've gotta go all the way
42:51round the one way system, haven't you?
42:53I'll take a shortcut through the market.
42:54- If you're sure.
42:55You be careful, though.
42:57- Oh, look, the birdies don't frighten me.
42:59I'm streetwise, ain't I?
43:01- Good.
43:03And watch out for unexploded inflatable dolls.
43:08- What?
43:09- Didn't you see it on the news tonight?
43:10- No, our telly's on the blink.
43:11Why, what'd they say?
43:12- You know those like creepy blowup dolls you can buy?
43:15- Yeah.
43:15Well, yeah.
43:17- There's a factory in Defford that makes them
43:19and apparently a whole batch has gone missing
43:20that was accidentally filled with an explosive gas.
43:24(giggles)
43:26We shouldn't laugh.
43:27- No we shouldn't.
43:28- They could prove potentially dangerous.
43:30- Look, Cassandra, I've got to go.
43:31I don't feel very well.
43:34- What's wrong with you?
43:35- Anything the matter, sir?
43:37- No, it's all right, I just feel a bit sick.
43:41Look, I'll phone you, okay?
43:41- Yes.
43:44- That's the third complaint tonight.
43:48Where did we get those tomatoes from?
43:53- You'd better not be having me on, Rodney.
43:54- I'm not, Del, honest!
43:57- Right in the mouth if you're pulling my leg.
44:13Explosive gas!
44:14I've never heard of anything so daft.
44:17-[Rodney] Shut up and keep spraying.
44:35- Right, Rod.
44:39Over there, over there.
44:39Over there, look, over there, all right.
44:42Careful!
44:43All right!
44:46Bring 'em over here.
44:48Go on!
44:58Just dropping 'em off.
45:04Thought you said you heard a sissing sound.
45:07- I did.
45:08They was making a funny noise,
45:09like something was going to happen.
45:14- (sighs) The only thing that's happened so far
45:16is poor old Mum's clothing's got all dirty.
45:19I shall have to take it all to dry cleaners now.
45:22- Del, them dolls are dangerous.
45:24They've been on the news everywhere.
45:26- How do you know it was them dolls
45:27that they was talking about?
45:29- I know, right?
45:30I just know.
45:35- Well, the only thing that I know is
45:36I've got 60 quid laying out over there
45:39and we're hanging about here
45:40like a couple of spare ones at a wedding.
45:45Oh, come on, I've had enough of this!
45:46Come on.
45:51(explosion)
46:04- See?
46:12- Told them not to have the Mutton Vindaloo.
46:24Rodney that could have happened anywhere around us.
46:26- I know, we only just got rid of them in time.
46:28We was well lucky.
46:32- No, it's not luck, Rodney.
46:36It's Mum.
46:38- Mum?
46:39- Yeah.
46:41She's up there somewhere watching over us.
46:45- Oh, yeah.
46:49(flatulent noise)
46:51- The old eight ball going, is it?
46:55(flatulent noise)
47:00(pop)
47:07(upbeat music)
47:13♫ We've got some half priced cracked ice
47:14♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
47:16♫ TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's
47:19♫ Pool games, gold chains, wosnames
47:21♫ And at a push
47:22♫ Some Trevor Francis track suits
47:23♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
47:26♫ Bush Bush Bush Bush Bush Bush
47:28♫ No income tax, no VAT
47:31♫ No money back, no guarantee
47:34♫ Black or white, rich or broke
47:37♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
47:42♫ God bless Hooky Street
47:45♫ Viva Hooky Street
47:48♫ Long live Hooky Street
47:51♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
47:54♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
47:59♫ Hooky Street
48:02♫ Hooky Street
48:05♫ Hooky Street