Only Fools and Horses S06E06 — Little Problems

Every line from “Little Problems” (1068 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S06E06 meme — “What door they coming in?”

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:13♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:17♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la la la la la
00:42- So then the obstetrician takes me and Marlene into
00:45this room and they've got a scanning machine, you know,
00:47one of them things they can see right inside the womb.
00:53- Yeah
00:56- Then suddenly on this monitor screen we saw this shape.
01:02It was amazing.
01:04- What was it?
01:06- It was a baby.
01:08What do you think it was, a Cornish pasty?
01:11- I mean, was it a boy or a girl?
01:13- I don't know.
01:14They don't give you a close-up!
01:17But I could just tell by the
01:18proud way it held its head that it was my child.
01:23- Blown all them rumors to bits then, ain't it?
01:28- Yeah, that's right.
01:30The doctors.
01:33What rumors?
01:35- Well, a lot of people thought Marlene was imagining it,
01:37you know, like a phantom pregnancy.
01:40- Oh no, I've seen the proof.
01:42It's all pukka.
01:44'Course there's still a long way to go
01:46the baby's head is not yet engaged.
01:49- But Rodney Trotter is.
01:52Look at him, poor little sod.
01:56- If he's like this now,
01:57how's he gonna be like come the wedding?
01:59- I've heard two of the bridesmaids are Samaritans.
02:04- Come on, cheer up, son.
02:06It ain't the end of the world.
02:08So you've failed some silly little exam.
02:11- I did not fail some silly little exam.
02:14- You didn't pass, did you?
02:17- It happened to be an extremely important exam.
02:19If I had passed that
02:20I would now have a diploma in computer science.
02:23It would have been the foundations of a real career.
02:26Instead of which I have all the prospects and
02:28future of a Sinclair C5.
02:32I just wanted to be somebody in Cassandra's eyes.
02:37With that diploma I could have applied for a proper job.
02:40- Look on the bright side, son.
02:42You'd have most probably failed the interview.
02:44- I've already passed the interview.
02:46- How d'you mean?
02:48- You promise you won't say a word to Del?
02:50Cassandra's dad's offered me a position in his company.
02:53See, he's expanding the computer
02:55section and he wants me to help run it.
02:57'Course, he was under the impression
02:59that this diploma exam was a foregone conclusion.
03:01- Who told him that?
03:03- Me, but that's not the only thing.
03:08See, me and Cassandra, we found this really nice flat.
03:11It's brilliant, you know, it's modern, everything.
03:14The only thing is we've got to put
03:15down a six-grand deposit.
03:18Cassandra is taking 2,000 out of her savings,
03:20her mum and dad are giving us two grand as a wedding present
03:23and it's up to me to find the other two.
03:25Where am I gonna find £2,000?
03:28With my savings and salary we'll be lucky
03:30if we get a weekend in a time-share tent.
03:33It was gonna be so good up until that bloody exam.
03:37- You can do one of two things, Rodney.
03:40You can go down the council and see if they've got a place
03:43or you can sell your share of the
03:44business to Del for 2,000 pounds.
03:48- That's not a bad idea, Unc.
03:50I hadn't thought of that.
03:52Yeah, I'll go down the council this afternoon.
03:56- Morning Mike, look Rodders, there you are.
03:59Look at this.
04:00What have I got?
04:01Executive mobile phone, solid state of the art.
04:04You can phone someone
04:05from the top of a mountain with one of these.
04:07It's all to do with satellites or something.
04:11They normally retail at £199.99.
04:14I got them for 25 nicker each.
04:17- Where'd you get them from?
04:18- You know that Mickey Pearce and Jevon?
04:20They started trading, you know, so I
04:21said I'd help them out. I've got a hundred of them.
04:23- A hundred?
04:24Well, that £2,500.
04:26I didn't know we had that sort of money in the firm.
04:28- No, no, no we haven't.
04:29I've got them on sale or return, haven't I?
04:31What I don't sell I return.
04:32Lovely Jubbly.
04:34So how did it go last night?
04:36- How'd you mean?
04:37- Well, down at the night school.
04:38You got the results of the exam.
04:42- Mr Jamille said he hadn't had a
04:43chance to look at everyone's work yet.
04:45- You've passed, Rodney.
04:47I can feel it.
04:48With your diploma and my yuppy image we're on our way up
04:52and to celebrate the occasion I've just been down the
04:55printers and I have ordered 200 of these.
05:00Trotters Independent Traders headed notepaper.
05:03This'll let them know we're around.
05:06- What's all those initials?
05:08- Modern business people only speak in initials, don't they?
05:12You've got FT, Financial Times, BA, British Airways,
05:16GLC, General 'Lectric Company.
05:20And we've got a list of company directors and all that.
05:24- Oh yeah, you and me.
05:27What's these initials after my name?
05:28DIC.
05:31- No, that is Diploma in Computerisation, Rodney.
05:38It's got impact, they'll see our high
05:41profile coming a mile off.
05:43- Del, thanks to your high profile we now have a
05:45company called TIT and a director with DIC after his name.
05:50- No, no, no.
05:51That stands for Trotters Independent
05:53Traders and DIC is Diploma in TIT.
05:59I see what you mean Rodney.
06:01I'll better get on to the printer's
06:02on my executive mobile phone.
06:05Let's see, how do we work this.
06:07- Here you are boys, compliments of the stud.
06:10- Who is that?
06:11It's Boycie.
06:12Hello Boycie, alright?
06:14Cheers.
06:16Mike, just before you go come and have a look at this.
06:18An executive mobile phone right.
06:21I can let you have this for what I paid 40 nicker.
06:25- Forty eh?
06:26Nice-looking model.
06:27- It's top of the range.
06:31- That aerial's a bit urgent, ain't it?
06:33- Yeah well that's the idea.
06:35It's called instant aerial.
06:36It's a feature of this particular model, you see.
06:39I'll show you how it works.
06:41I'll give you a little demonstration.
06:43First of all you press there and then you start.
06:57(high pitched static)
07:02I know what that is,
07:03the satellite has moved out of position.
07:09Hang about, there'll be
07:10another one along in a minute.
07:12- I think I'll stick to the
07:13phone in the public bar, Del.
07:15- Now Mike listen, I'll let you have it for 35 quid.
07:18I don't mind losing a fiver for a mate.
07:21Don't worry.
07:22This time next year we'll be millionaires.
07:33- I thought Rodney said that video recorder could only
07:35work on continental electric?
07:38- Yeah, that's why I popped over to Calais
07:40and got myself a couple of bucketfuls of it this morning.
07:43No, it's alright.
07:44Here, you know that Chinese kid
07:45who lives over in Desmond Tutu house?
07:50He's a bit of a boffin when it comes to the old
07:52electronics so I got him to fit an adaptor
07:54on the back of it for me.
07:56- The Chinese kid?
07:57The one you always said was stupid?
07:59- He's not stupid, that Chinese kid is a bit of a genius
08:02when it comes to the old electronics.
08:06That diploma exam of yours
08:07wasn't as easy as you thought it'd be was it?
08:10- Who told you that?
08:11Was that Albert?
08:11- No, no, it wasn't.
08:12I bumped into that Mr Jamille,
08:14that teacher at your training college.
08:16- Del, everything I did in that examination was correct,
08:20well, except for one minor miscalculation.
08:24You see, we had to program a computer with
08:26a mock flight plan.
08:27It was supposed to be an unmanned space probe.
08:30Stupid.
08:32We was all given the information, you know, navigational
08:34data, analysis of payload ratio to engine capacity.
08:38- Yeah, well, you need all that, don't you?
08:43- But I got a bit confused between liters and gallons right?
08:47Round here in Peckham we don't have much dealing
08:50with continental measurements.
08:52So I didn't program enough fuel and my probe fell
08:55slightly short of Venus.
08:59- He mentioned to Dartford.
09:03Listen, soppy, you don't actually
09:05know that you haven't passed.
09:07I mean, no one's told you that you've failed.
09:09- Del, I do not need a weatherman
09:10to tell me when it's peeing down.
09:13Mr Jamille handed out all the diplomas
09:15the other night right except for me.
09:18- Well, you know, maybe he was busy,
09:19maybe he hadn't got round to looking at yours yet.
09:21- Del don't patronize me.
09:23Look, I naused it up and that's all there is to it.
09:26- Right, okay.
09:27You know best.
09:30But Mr Jamille asked me to give you this.
09:35He wanted me to apologize for him
09:37and say he was very sorry but he'd been very busy
09:39an' he's only just got round to looking at your work.
09:42- All that whinging and
09:43whining and you'd passed all the time.
09:46- I don't believe it!
09:47- Here you are Rodney, you've done it!
09:50I'm proud of you.
09:51- Cheers Del!
09:52- Now you can get that job you wanted, can't you?
09:55- Yes, I won't have any prob.
09:57Who told you that?
09:58Was that Albert?
09:59- No, it was not Albert.
10:01It was Cassandra's dad.
10:02- You've met Cassandra's dad?
10:04- Well, yeah, he's got that little printing firm
10:06and I wanted to get them letterheads printed,
10:08and I thought I'd take the business down
10:10to him, you now, keep it in the family.
10:12He's a nice bloke that Alan.
10:14We had a nice chat and a drink.
10:16- But Cassandra's dad don't drink.
10:18- Oh no, but this was a special occasion, wasn't it?
10:20The heads of two great households
10:22meeting for the first time.
10:25Well, it was a bit like a summit,
10:27so anyway we had a couple of scotches
10:28and that's when he told me he'd offered you the job.
10:30- You're not upset, are you?
10:32'Cos I mean I'm breaking up the partnership aren't I.
10:35- Oh our partnership.
10:38Don't worry about that Rodney, you're doing the best thing.
10:43No you've got to go with that Alan 'cos you
10:46know he can offer you a future which is more than I can.
10:50Anyway, you've got to have a proper job to get a
10:52mortgage for that new flat.
10:55- Who told you that?
10:56Was that Cassandra's dad?
10:58- No, Albert told me.
11:01So what you doing about the deposit then?
11:03- Oh I dunno, mate.
11:05Where am I gonna get £2,000?
11:08- Off your big brother.
11:11- What?
11:12- I'm giving you £2,000 as a wedding present.
11:16- Where are you gonna get that sort of money?
11:18- I'm owed it, ain't I?
11:19I'll just call in my debts.
11:22- What, you mean I can tell Cassandra and her dad?
11:24- You can tell the Daily Mirror for all I care!
11:27(doorbell rings)
11:28- Well that'll be her.
11:29Cheers mate.
11:36- Where are you gonna get all that money from?
11:40- You know these video recorders I sold
11:42along Boycie a few months ago.
11:44Well, he still hasn't weighed in with the old dosharoonies.
11:47So I'll get the money off him and give it to Rodney
11:50and it'll all be rez de chasse, as they say in the Dordogne.
11:55- Look who's here.
11:56- Hello darling, alright?
11:57- Hello, Del.
11:58Alright Albert.
11:59- Hello, love.
12:01- You passed.
12:03Oh you clever old thing.
12:06- Oh well, you know, it was nothing.
12:10Oh by the way, would you ask your dad how
12:12he'd like the deposit paid?
12:13You know, cash or cheque.
12:15- You got the 2,000?
12:16- Of course.
12:17- I don't think he cares if it's cash or a cheque.
12:20- Oh well, that's cool.
12:22- You're going out tonight, sweetheart?
12:23- Yes, we're going to see an Italian film.
12:25- Oh getting in the mood for your honeymoon in Rimini, eh?
12:29- Oh shut up. - Del.
12:32- Here, how you gonna understand
12:34that film if it's all in foreign?
12:35- No, it's got English subtitles underneath.
12:38- Oh Albert wouldn't bother with the subtitles.
12:40- He can speak Italian?
12:41- No, he can't read.
12:45- Oh that's a coincidence.
12:47My dad's just come home with one of these.
12:49- Has he?
12:49Oh well, there's a thing.
12:50Hope your mum's pleased.
12:52- Well, no actually, he came home absolutely plastered.
12:54- Really.
12:58Go on, sit down!
13:01Where's the machine?
13:03It's gonna be alright now.
13:04Alright here we go.
13:05I've done it at last!
13:07We're off and running!
13:09(explosion bangs)
13:15I don't believe it.
13:17Oh that stupid Chinese kid.
13:20Why did I ever trust him?
13:24- Right, I'll see you later, then.
13:27- Yeah go on, enjoy the film.
13:32- Here, I'm really pleased that Rodney's got his diploma.
13:36Lucky you bumped into that Mr Jamille, innit?
13:39- Yeah.
13:39- How much d'you give him?
13:41- 150.
13:45- You see it comes complete with batteries
13:47plus this little attachment so you can attach it
13:50to the dashboard of your car.
13:51You see, there it is,
13:53all of that for £35.
13:56- Del, watch my lips very closely.
13:58I do not want one.
14:01Only an idiot would buy one of those things.
14:04You got one?
14:06- No, I haven't.
14:08I'm thinking of getting one though.
14:11- Well done, Trigg.
14:12I'll show you how it works, shall I?
14:15Ah just the man!
14:16Excuse me, gentlemen, business.
14:18Bocie, can I have a word with you please?
14:20Sit down over there.
14:25When are you gonna weigh in with the money
14:27for those video recorders I sold you.
14:29- Del, I have told you before
14:31I am not paying you for them.
14:32They don't work.
14:33- Listen, I've solved that problem.
14:35There's a little Chinese kid over on my
14:37estate, now he's an electronics genius,
14:41now you give me the three and a half that you owe me
14:43and I'll get him to fix adapters on all your machines.
14:45They'll sell like hot cakes.
14:48- Del, I've got to be honest with you.
14:50I am skint.
14:51- Oh don't give me that, Boycie.
14:53- It's the truth!
14:54Marlene's pregnancy is costing me an arm and a leg.
14:58She's at a dodgy age for knocking out her first chavvy.
15:02She needs to be under constant surveillance
15:04by a very expensive group of medical experts.
15:06She's already had a week in a private ward.
15:09- Can't she go on the National Health?
15:11- Well, of course she can't.
15:12I can't expect my wife to mix
15:14with all those ordinary patients.
15:17Have you seen the way some of them dress?
15:20- Look, I've got Rodney's wedding coming up.
15:22I need that money.
15:23- I am just potless, Del, and that is no lie.
15:26It's the kipper's season, nobody is buying cars.
15:30But don't worry, I will pay you that
15:31money as soon as things pick up.
15:34- It'll be too late by then won't it!
15:36- I am sorry, Del Boy.
15:37You cannot get blood out of a stone.
15:42Oh talking of blood, I heard
15:45the Driscoll brothers were looking for you.
15:49- Driscoll brothers looking for me?
15:50What do they want with me?
15:51I never deal with the Driscoll brothers.
15:53I make sure of that.
15:54- Well, perhaps they want to look at Rodney's wedding list?
15:58- Very funny.
16:00- Half a shandy, please, Michael.
16:05- I guessed I'd find you here, you toerag.
16:09- Alan, what a pleasant surprise.
16:12Here, look who's here.
16:13Cassandra's dad, Rodney's future father-in-law.
16:16- How do you do, nice to meet yah.
16:19- Let me shake you by the hand, Alan.
16:20You're a brave man letting a Trotter into your family.
16:23- Rodney's is a good lad, I like him.
16:25- That's right.
16:25He's one in a million.
16:26Now you come and sit down over here, Alan,
16:28get away from all this riff-raf.
16:30What you drinking?
16:31- Just a lemonade for me, thanks Del.
16:33That drink I had with you last week,
16:34it knocked me sideways.
16:35I hardly touch the stuff these days, and Pam, my wife,
16:37she doesn't really agree with drinking.
16:39- Well perhaps you ought to get out of her,
16:41you know, get yourself a younger model.
16:43- Yeah, but she's been with me
16:44for so long now she's almost one of the family.
16:48Go on, I'll have a small scotch, but that's me lot.
16:50- Alright, then.
16:51Michael can I have a scotch and the usual for me, please.
16:54Here, what you done to your eye?
16:56- Oh yeah, the aerial on that
16:57phone you sold me came out a bit fast.
16:59- Oh yeah?
17:00Well you had a few sherbets, hadn't you though?
17:03Anyway, what you doing round here?
17:04- Well to tell you the truth Del I got bit bored.
17:07There's something wrong with our television.
17:09So I thought I'd pop round
17:11here and have a chat about the wedding arrangements.
17:13You know, I think you should make some sort of
17:14contribution to the proceedings.
17:16- Oh yeah, of course.
17:19- I mean, what sort of a hall do you think we should hire?
17:22- Well you know I don't think we ought to go mad, you know,
17:25it's only a registry office wedding, ain't it, eh?
17:30Actually, he's got a very nice hall
17:32here, you know, and it's cheap.
17:34- D'you know if I had my way
17:36that's exactly where we'd hold the reception
17:38a good old knees-up in a pub and plenty of jellied eels.
17:41- Well, this place is perfect, innit?
17:42And it's cheap.
17:43- Yeah, yeah.
17:44But my wife Pam, she's gone all up-market on the idea.
17:47She wants to hold the reception in a
17:48cricket pavilion or the country club.
17:51Oh yeah, she's got it all planned out.
17:52It's all Dom Perignon and caviar.
17:56Not a jellied eel in sight.
17:57So what do you think?
17:58- Well, I reckon you ought
17:59to put your foot down, you know.
18:01How much is this gonna cot me then?
18:03- Cost you?
18:05Oh Del, it's not gonna cost you a penny.
18:07My only child's getting
18:08married and I'm paying for the lot.
18:10- Yeah, but I thought you
18:11said you wanted me to make a contribution.
18:12- Yeah, with ideas and opinions.
18:19- Now actually, your missus has got a point, hasn't she?
18:23You know, I don't think that you and me
18:25ought to be selfish, should we?
18:27After all, it is for the happy couple,
18:29it is their big day.
18:30- You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you?
18:32I mean champagne, caviar, country clubs.
18:34- Oh no, I hate it, Alan
18:36I hate it, it's all put on.
18:37I mean, those people just do things for effect.
18:47- Boycie, Trigg, your minicab's here.
18:53- Del.
18:55- Excuse me.
18:57You two still ain't got the
18:58hang of those revolving doors, have you?
19:02- Can we have a word, Del?
19:03- Yeah, 'course you can yeah.
19:05Michael, get Mickey and Jevon a drink, will you?
19:08What is it?
19:10- Those mobile phones we gave you.
19:11You got the money for them yet?
19:12- Of course I haven't.
19:13I haven't sold 'em yet have I.
19:14- Oh my Goodens!
19:15- Oh bloody hell!
19:16- What's up with you two?
19:20- I'll see you, Del.
19:21- Yeah, cheers, Alan.
19:22Glad you enjoyed the drink.
19:27- Here, Del, that's a stroke of luck innit.
19:28He's hired my hall for the wedding reception
19:31and I'm doing all the food and drink.
19:33Where am I gonna get jellied eels from?
19:35- I'll talk to you later.
19:37I don't believe it!
19:39- See, those phones we gave you Del, they weren't ours.
19:41- We could have had a nice country club.
19:43- We had them on sale or return, same as you.
19:45- We could have been eating
19:46caviar instead of Mike's scotch eggs.
19:48- Del, they want their money.
19:50- I'm a caviar person, me, you know, most probably.
19:54Who wants their money?
19:56- [Mickey And Jevon] The Driscoll brothers.
19:57- The Driscoll brothers?
19:59You ain't been dealing with the Driscoll brothers have yah?
20:01- Only with those mobile phones.
20:02We thought they'd be a good seller.
20:04- That's it, that's who did that to you, ain't they?
20:07And your Gregory.
20:08That is their trademark, they don't touch the face
20:12but they knock the hell out of the body.
20:14- Danny Driscoll said this was a friendly warning.
20:17- I'm sorry, Del, we had to tell him you'd taken the phones.
20:20- They've got it in their
20:21heads that you're trying to con them.
20:23They're looking for you, Del.
20:24- I know, I know.
20:25I've had a warning.
20:27But let me tell you this,
20:29if I end up supporting a flyover on the M26,
20:32I guarantee that you two are gonna be in the next junction.
20:38Let me get you a drink, gentlemen.
20:41- Alright, what is all this
20:43about the Driscoll brothers?
20:44- Nothing, nothing at all.
20:46Listen, if the Driscoll brothers
20:47come in here asking for me,
20:47you ain't seen me, alright?
20:49- Listen, I've heard of the
20:50Driscoll bothers, Del,
20:51but I've never seen them.
20:52What they look like?
20:53- Well, one of them looks as though
20:55he was evicted from the planet of the apes.
20:57- Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards.
21:01- What, he's younger than his years?
21:02- No, he's got one of them faces that you wanna slap.
21:07- Here, Trigg, did you get Alan off home alright?
21:09- Yeah.
21:10There was almost an accident.
21:11The minicab driver nearly reversed into
21:12the Driscoll brothers' Mercedes.
21:15- The Driscoll brothers are here?
21:16What door they coming in?
21:17- Well, I dunno.
21:18They're just getting out the car.
21:19- Del quick, upstairs!
21:20Hide in the hall.
21:21Quickly!
21:22- Mickey, Jevon quick come on!
21:37- Boycie, how nice.
21:39- Hello, Danny.
21:40Your brother not with you?
21:43- Yeah.
21:47- Oh wotcher, Tony.
21:57Drink?
21:58- No.
22:00Is that right Marlene's up the spout?
22:02- Yeah.
22:04- Dear, dear, dear.
22:05Will you let us know the moment
22:06you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.
22:14- Yeah, righto, Danny.
22:16(laughs)
22:22Yeah, good one, Danny, good one.
22:26- Del Boy around?
22:27- No, no I ain't seen him this evening.
22:30- Well, that's funny.
22:30His van's in the car park and what's this?
22:34A Castella and a Malibu reef.
22:37Are you sure he's not around?
22:40Think hard, guv'nor.
22:43- Well, he may have been in earlier and then he left!
22:45- I see.
22:47You just had this place decorated?
22:49- Yeah.
22:50- Shame.
22:53I wanna buy everyone in this
22:55pub a drink, whatever they want.
22:58Now here's a pound and I want change.
23:06- Large cognac, please, Michael.
23:12- Keep still.
23:17Trigg, what you doing here?
23:21It's got nothing to do with you.
23:23What are you doing here with us?
23:25- I dunno really.
23:26You said quick upstairs so I just went.
23:31(pounding)
23:35- There's a doorknob there, Tony.
23:37Why don't you just turn it like a human being?
24:23- Let's try the bogs.
24:29- They're going!
24:31- We're in the clear.
24:34(shouts)
24:48- He's got one of our phones up his nose.
24:50- That's a good idea, innit?
24:53- Everything alright Del?
24:55- Fine, I just got this phone stuck up my nose, that's all.
25:00- Tony, help the man.
25:02- That's alright Tony, I can do that.
25:11- I thought I said I didn't
25:11want to see your faces round here any more.
25:14- Yes, Mr Driscoll.
25:15- Thank you Mr Driscoll.
25:18- That goes for you too.
25:19- Yeah, but.
25:20- Go on Trigg, see you later.
25:24- You owe us £2,000.
25:27You got the money?
25:28- No, of course I haven't.
25:29I haven't sold the phones yet, have I?
25:30- Don't give us that, Derek.
25:33Them two youngsters Ebony
25:34and Ivory took the phones from us
25:35over three months ago.
25:37- Three months?
25:39I didn't know that, Danny.
25:41- Do you think we're stupid?
25:45Do you think I'm stupid?
25:48Them two munchkins work for
25:49you and you're doing a bit of a Fagin,
25:52but you picked the wrong ones this time.
25:55If you don't come up with the two grand I'm gonna take his
25:57collar and lead off and let him loose on you.
26:01- Hang on!
26:02You got it wrong, you've got it all wrong.
26:04I tell you what, you can have all the phones back.
26:06- I don't want all that old rubbish back.
26:08- They used to make our telly go funny.
26:11- And that model's old now,
26:13and at least one of them's been up your hooter.
26:15- You've got to give me a bit of time.
26:18I mean, you two can't short of a couple of grand, can yer?
26:20- And you know why we ain't short a few bob?
26:24'Cos we don't let debts linger.
26:29Can we explain something to you, Del?
26:32When me and Tony were kids we was very, very poor.
26:37Our old man used to work in the
26:39stables in one of them big mansion houses.
26:42He used to work from six in the morning
26:43'til eight at night and what for?
26:45A pittance.
26:47- A shilling a day and a horse sandwich.
26:51- Then one day there was a robbery at the mansion.
26:54The bill arrested our old man,
26:55but there wasn't any evidence, was there?
26:57- That's right, just fingerprints.
27:02- Just fingerprints.
27:04- And eyewitnesses.
27:07- Couple of eyewitnesses.
27:09They found the jewels on him.
27:11- It was a plant.
27:14- It was a right fit-up.
27:16He died in a police cell with a fractured skull.
27:19They said it was a suicide attempt that went wrong,
27:23or right, whatever way you look at it.
27:27They claimed he tried to hang himself with his braces
27:29and smashed himself to death on the ceiling.
27:34Do you believe that?
27:36- No, no, I don't believe that, no.
27:39- The day he died, Tony and me swore that no one would ever
27:42dump on us and we would never, never be poor.
27:46- Wait a minute!
27:47After your dad died you two went to a young offenders' home,
27:50and who was it that used to look after your old mum
27:51with some hooky groceries and a bag of coal and all that?
27:54It was me, weren't it, eh?
27:56Come on, you owe me.
27:58No, I mean, you owe me a bit of time at least don't yah?
28:02- He's right.
28:03- No, he ain't.
28:05- We owe him.
28:06- I don't think we do.
28:07- Tony, we had an agreement.
28:10I do the thinking, you don't.
28:17Alright, Del, you got yourself a bit of time.
28:19- Cheers, cheers, Danny.
28:20When will I see you again?
28:22- Dunno.
28:23We'll surprise you.
28:24- Good, I'll look forward to that.
28:27- Get the money.
28:28- Right.
28:30Either you pay us or we pay you.
28:37- Oh hello, Danny.
28:38Just popped up to see if you needed any help.
28:40- No, I think we handled it pretty well on our own.
28:45Be seeing you soon.
28:56- Del, Mickey Pearce has just told me you got some
28:58electronic equipment off the Driscolls.
29:00- Yes, that's right.
29:01- It's not those video recorders you sold me, is it?
29:05- Yes!
29:08- God, do the Driscolls know?
29:10- I haven't said anything, you know, yet.
29:13- Well, you're not gonna tell them I got them, are you?
29:15- Look, they wanna give someone a good hidin'.
29:18Tell us what it was like, won't you, Boycie?
29:23- Here's most of the money I owe you.
29:25- I thought you said you was skint?
29:27- I thought I was but then I suddenly
29:29happened to find three grad in my pocket.
29:32Square it with the Driscolls.
29:33Keep them off me.
29:34- Of course I will, Boyce.
29:37What are friends for?
29:41- So remember, Rodney, marriage is like a self-service
29:43restaurant you get what you want,
29:45you see what your mates got and you want some of that.
29:50- I remember my stag night, Rodney.
29:52It was about one o'clock in the car park and I was
29:54just about to stagger home when they jumped out on me.
29:57- Who, who jumped out on you?
30:01- I dunno.
30:02It was pitch black.
30:04Anyway, they super-glued a
30:05learner sign to me pants and run off and left me.
30:11I didn't mind the learner sign.
30:13I just wish they'd let me keep my trousers.
30:17- You didn't, you didn't have no trousers on?
30:21- No, Rodney, no.
30:24- I'm just popping out.
30:25- Albert, just a minute.
30:27While you're up there, put another score in the whip.
30:35- Oh look, there he goes, hi-hoe.
30:40Alright mate?
30:41Fancy putting your head on upside down!
30:46- I fought in the war.
30:48- What?
30:49The Boer War?
30:50Go on, get out of here, you miserable old so-and-so.
30:52Here listen lads.
30:53There was this fellow, he was really short.
30:54I tell you how short he was.
30:55He got a job at mothercare as a bouncer,
30:57that's how short he was.
30:58He was so short, well, he.
31:01Well, he wasn't that short.
31:02A tall feller, he was very tall.
31:07There was this woman.
31:10- Del, I don't wish to spoil the surprise, but the
31:12Driscol brothers have just arrived.
31:15- Oh have they?
31:15Well, let them wait a while, can't they?
31:18- Do you need any backup?
31:19- No, it's alright, Denzil, thanks.
31:21Thanks a lot.
31:22No, don't worry I've got their money.
31:25- Are you having a good time, Del?
31:27- Yes, yes, I'm having a
31:29blinding time, Rodders, yeah, yeah.
31:32- I get married in two days' time.
31:34- Yeah, I know that.
31:35You wanna keep off the sherbet, otherwise you're gonna
31:37have a hangover on your honeymoon.
31:40- Oi, Del at the cerem.
31:45- Ceremony yeah, right.
31:49- They won't say my middle name will they?
31:53- No, no.
31:54He'll just call you, you know, like Rodney Trotter.
31:58- I wanna thank you, Del.
32:00You've done everything for me in my life.
32:03- Yes, alright.
32:04Shut up, Rodney.
32:07- He looked after me when I was a kid, when I was a nipper.
32:12- Yeah, I know, Rodney I remember.
32:15- He did everything for me.
32:17I mean, if it wasn't for him, right,
32:20I could have been a drunk
32:24or I could have been a snu-gliffer or anything.
32:32And I tell you something else about this man,
32:36he's giving me £2,000 pounds as a deposit for my flat.
32:43- I forgot that.
32:46- Oh hell.
32:51- Rodney, alright, you stay here, right?
32:54You just listen to the funny man, alright?
32:57Back in a minute.
32:59- Course my wife, she used to sell ice creams in the cinema.
33:01When we got married she went up the aisle backwards.
33:04She was lovely.
33:05We were driving home one night and she said,
33:06"Would you like to see where I had the operation?"
33:08I said, "Yeah".
33:08She said, "See the hospital up there on the hill."
33:12- I'll tell you.
33:14Del, right, he's the bestest bloke in the world.
33:17- Yeah, I know.
33:20Listen, Rodney, sometimes people say things that they mean,
33:23and they really mean it.
33:26- What you mean?
33:29- Well, sometimes they promise
33:30things and they really mean to keep that promise,
33:33but other things stop them from doing it.
33:42- Del!
33:54Are you in the bathroom?
33:57-[Del] Yeah.
34:00- Thanks for walking out and leaving me like that.
34:04-[Del] Sorry!
34:05I had too much to drink.
34:07I felt bad.
34:09I'm still feeling a bit rough Rodney.
34:12- Oh and thanks for not giving me that money.
34:16Denzil explained that you
34:17had something more important to spend it on!
34:19And you promised me.
34:21I've told Cassandra and her mum and dad and everything.
34:24I said I've got the money.
34:26What am I gonna look like now, eh?
34:28I'll tell you what I'm gonna look like now.
34:30I'm gonna look like a right
34:31tit-head, that's what I'll look like.
34:36- Your money's on the table.
34:58- Del?
34:59Thanks.
35:01- It's alright, bruv.
35:03It was a pleasure.
35:08- Del I'm sorry, right? - Yeah.
35:11- Shut up, you tart.
35:15-[Rodney] You're still gonna be my best man, aren't you?
35:18- Yeah, 'course I am.
35:21- We'll have a good old knees-up eh?
35:24- I think I've had enough of that for one night, Rodney.
35:28-[Rodney] And I tell you what,
35:29we'll have a good old sing-song.
35:32- Yeah, as long as you don't
35:34mind me sounding like the Bee Gees.
35:39- I do solemnly declare.
35:41- I do solemnly declare.
35:43- That I know of no lawful impediment.
35:45- That I know of no lawful impediment.
35:47- Why I may not be joined in
35:49matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.
35:53- Why I may not be joined in
35:54matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.
36:00- Do you have the ring?
36:07- Half past eleven.
36:28- Now repeat after me,
36:30I call upon these persons here present.
36:32- I call upon these persons here present.
36:35- To witness that I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
36:38(laughs)
36:42That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
36:46I would appreciate it if the guests
36:47would conduct themselves in a manner more
36:48becoming to this occasion, thank you.
36:52- That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
36:56-[Officiant] Take this woman, Cassandra
36:58Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
37:02- Take this woman, Cassandra
37:03Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
37:07- Now repeat after me.
37:09I call upon these persons here present.
37:11- I call upon these persons here present
37:14- To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
37:17- To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
37:19- Take this man, Rodney Charl, Rodney Trotter.
37:25- Take this man, Rodney Trotter.
37:27-[Officiant] To be my lawful wedded husband.
37:29- To be my lawful wedded husband.
37:31- Now you have both made the
37:33declarations required by law
37:35and you have made a solemn and binding contract
37:38with each other in the presence of your witnesses,
37:42you are now husband and wife.
37:44You may kiss the bride.
37:46- Thank you.
37:48-[Guests] Ohhh!
37:53(guests applaud and cheer)
37:59♫ Where is the love
38:01♫ Where is the love
38:03♫ Where is the love
38:05♫ Where is the love
38:08♫ Where is the love
38:10♫ Where is the love
38:12♫ Where is the love
38:18(unintelligible voices)
38:28- You must call us as soon you get
38:30back from your honeymoon.
38:31- Mum, we haven't even gone yet.
38:33- Don't you be late for your first day at work, Rodney.
38:34- No, I'll be there, Alan.
38:36- You'll have to come round to dinner.
38:38- Oh thank you, Pamela.
38:40- We could invite Del.
38:43- Well.
38:44- He'll most probably be busy anyways.
38:47- Yes.
38:47- Well, I'm seeing him on Wednesday.
38:48I'll ask him.
38:49- You're not going to get drunk again?
38:51- No, he's taking me to a pie and mash shop.
38:53- What for?
38:54- For pie and mash.
38:57- I think I'll just go and say
38:58goodbye to a few more people.
39:01- What's happened to you?
39:03Ever since you've met Rodney's brother
39:04you've become like a born-again hooligan.
39:08It's thanks to you that my daughter's wedding reception
39:09is being held at this ghastly pub,
39:13all champagne and welks.
39:15There's spoons of jellied eels everywhere.
39:18- That's because I like jellied eels.
39:20- Hey Alan!
39:21If you want some more of these jellied eels,
39:23you better get stuck in, mate!
39:24- Thank you Derek!
39:25I'm going to have another one of those jelly eels.
39:31- See you in a minute.
39:44- Are you off then, bruv?
39:45- Yeah, off in a minute.
39:49- Just wanted to, just wanted to say,
39:52Rodney, that I'm really very proud of you.
40:00You've got it all now, ain't you?
40:02New job, new flat, new wife, new life.
40:13- We had a few good years, eh?
40:16- We had some good times.
40:18- Right laughs!
40:20- And a couple of tears.
40:22But still that's what's all about innit.
40:26I just wish that Grandad and Mum.
40:30- Oh no, shut up!
40:31You'll have me going.
40:37- Ow!
40:41I got some bruises.
40:42I don't where I got them from, it's alright.
40:45- Goodbye, Del, and thanks for everything.
40:49- That's alright, ow!
40:51I just got some bruises.
40:54You just promise you do me a favor?
40:58- Of course!
41:00- Be gentle with him.
41:02- Oh shut up!
41:04- See you when we get back. - Bye bye.
41:06- We're off now.
41:08(unintelligible voices)
41:26- Bye! - Cheers!
41:42- I didn't know Rodney's middle name is Charlton.
41:44- Oh yeah, it was me mum.
41:47She was a fan.
41:48- Oh what?
41:49Charlton Heston?
41:50- No Charlton Athletic.
41:53- Duke, get off that table.
41:57How come you never got married, Del?
42:01- Me?
42:03No, I'm too shrewd for that game.
42:07- You got engaged, though, didn't you?
42:09Lots of times.
42:11So why didn't you marry any of them?
42:13- I dunno, it was Rodney, I suppose.
42:15- Rodney stopped you getting married?
42:18- Well, back in them days Rodney was just a kid,
42:20you know, and I had to bring him up.
42:24- You were like a mother and father to him.
42:26- Yeah, I breast fed him for the first six months.
42:31No, it's just that all the birds
42:33that I went out with they wanted to get married
42:35but they didn't want to bring Rodney up,
42:38especially the way he went through shoes.
42:41Anyway what was I supposed to do?
42:43Get married and put Rodney into care?
42:48Nah, so I elbowed them.
42:52It's family, innit?
42:55- You should be proud of yourself.
42:58He's turned out a real good 'un.
43:02- He's a diamond.
43:04A forty-two-carat, diamond.
43:07- Come along, Marlene.
43:11I wanna have a word with you during the week.
43:14You should see what that Chinese kid
43:16has done to my video recorders.
43:19- Bye, Del.
43:20- Bye-bye sweetheart.
43:27(clears throat)
43:30- Bye.
43:31- Bye, sweetheart.
43:33- Come on, Duke.
43:34- Cheerio, Boycie.
43:44♫ Well I've wasted all my tears
43:51♫ Wasted all of those years
43:56♫ And nothing has a chance to be good
44:02♫ Cause nothing ever could
44:08♫ Oh I'll keep holding on
44:16♫ I'll keep holding on
44:21♫ I'll keep holding on
44:27- Cassandra's dad's feeling a bit unwell.
44:33- I told him not to eat all them jellied eels.
44:38- I've got to lock up, Del.
44:40- Yeah, alright, Mike.
44:42Thanks very much for a very nice do.
44:44- Cheers, mate.
44:55♫ It's all I have to say
45:09(phone rings)
45:22- Hello, Trotter Independent Traders.
45:26Oh it's you, Albert.
45:29No, it's alright, I've only this minute got in.
45:34Where are you?
45:36Oh you're round at Elsie Partridge's are you?
45:39Oh yeah, got your plates of meat under the table there,
45:43ain't you, eh?
45:45You dirty old goat!
45:49What?
45:50No, no, they are, they're back from their honeymoon.
45:53Yeah, I saw Rodney this morning racing off to work.
45:57Yeah, he looked great, he did,
46:00nice three-piece suit, smart tie,
46:03and his executive briefcase, yeah the lot.
46:08You what?
46:11No, no, I didn't have chance to speak to him.
46:13I was in the van and he came racing past on his bicycle.
46:19The honeymoon?
46:21Yeah, I think that went alright, yeah.
46:23He was as white as a sheet.
46:26You what?
46:29Oh yeah, you off down the Legion tonight, are you.
46:32Me?
46:33No.
46:35Well, I'm alone.
46:36Well, no, no.
46:38I'm not alone, really,
46:39it's just the way I'd like it to be.
46:44No, no thanks very much, Albert.
46:47I appreciate the offer but I'm not in the mood
46:50for dominoes tonight, no alright.
46:55Yeah, I'll see you when I see you.
46:57Bye.
47:22- Alright?
47:24- Yeah, terrific, Rodders.
47:28- I am exhausted.
47:31- Yeah you look a bit cream crackered.
47:34What is it?
47:35Executive stress, is it?
47:36- No, it's that bike.
47:39The wheels hardly go round, the chain's come off twice
47:41and the front light don't work.
47:45Where d'you get it from?
47:47- I dunno.
47:48It's been in the garage for years.
47:51- What's for tea?
47:54- I dunno, I got no idea.
47:59Can I say something to you Rodney?
48:03Something that may hold you
48:04in good stead in the, you know, in the future?
48:09- Yeah, go on, then.
48:11- It's just that, well, how can I put it?
48:17You don't live here no more.
48:31- Oh, bloody 'ell!
48:31She'll go loopy.
48:35I'll see you, right?
48:36- Yeah, right, bruv.
48:44What a plonker!
48:52♫ We've got some
48:53♫ Half price cracked ice
48:54♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
48:56♫ TVs
48:57♫ Deep freeze
48:57♫ And David Bowie LPs
48:59♫ Ball games
49:00♫ Gold chains
49:00♫ What's-names
49:01♫ Pictures frames
49:02♫ And leather goods
49:03♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
49:04♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
49:08♫ No income tax no VAT
49:11♫ No money back no guarantee
49:14♫ Black or white rich or poor
49:17♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
49:21♫ God bless Hooky Street
49:25♫ Viva Hooky Street
49:28♫ Long live Hooky Street
49:31♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
49:34♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
49:39♫ Hooky Street
49:42♫ Hooky Street
49:45♫ Hooky Street