Only Fools and Horses S06E06 — Little Problems

Every line from “Little Problems” (1068 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:03♫ Stick a pony in me pocket
00:07♫ I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10♫ 'Cos if you want the best ones
00:13♫ But you don't ask questions
00:14♫ Then brother I'm your man
00:17♫ Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21♫ It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23♫ And the tides of the sea
00:26♫ But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29♫ Why do only fools and horses work
00:32♫ La la la la la la la la
00:42- So then the obstetrician takes me and Marlene into
00:45this room and they've got a scanning machine, you know,
00:47one of them things they can see right inside the womb.
00:53- Yeah
00:56- Then suddenly on this monitor screen we saw this shape.
01:02It was amazing.
01:04- What was it?
01:06- It was a baby.
01:08What do you think it was, a Cornish pasty?
01:11- I mean, was it a boy or a girl?
01:13- I don't know.
01:14They don't give you a close-up!
01:17But I could just tell by the
01:18proud way it held its head that it was my child.
01:23- Blown all them rumors to bits then, ain't it?
01:28- Yeah, that's right.
01:30The doctors.
01:33What rumors?
01:35- Well, a lot of people thought Marlene was imagining it,
01:37you know, like a phantom pregnancy.
01:40- Oh no, I've seen the proof.
01:42It's all pukka.
01:44'Course there's still a long way to go
01:46the baby's head is not yet engaged.
01:49- But Rodney Trotter is.
01:52Look at him, poor little sod.
01:56- If he's like this now,
01:57how's he gonna be like come the wedding?
01:59- I've heard two of the bridesmaids are Samaritans.
02:04- Come on, cheer up, son.
02:06It ain't the end of the world.
02:08So you've failed some silly little exam.
02:11- I did not fail some silly little exam.
02:14- You didn't pass, did you?
02:17- It happened to be an extremely important exam.
02:19If I had passed that
02:20I would now have a diploma in computer science.
02:23It would have been the foundations of a real career.
02:26Instead of which I have all the prospects and
02:28future of a Sinclair C5.
02:32I just wanted to be somebody in Cassandra's eyes.
02:37With that diploma I could have applied for a proper job.
02:40- Look on the bright side, son.
02:42You'd have most probably failed the interview.
02:44- I've already passed the interview.
02:46- How d'you mean?
02:48- You promise you won't say a word to Del?
02:50Cassandra's dad's offered me a position in his company.
02:53See, he's expanding the computer
02:55section and he wants me to help run it.
02:57'Course, he was under the impression
02:59that this diploma exam was a foregone conclusion.
03:01- Who told him that?
03:03- Me, but that's not the only thing.
03:08See, me and Cassandra, we found this really nice flat.
03:11It's brilliant, you know, it's modern, everything.
03:14The only thing is we've got to put
03:15down a six-grand deposit.
03:18Cassandra is taking 2,000 out of her savings,
03:20her mum and dad are giving us two grand as a wedding present
03:23and it's up to me to find the other two.
03:25Where am I gonna find £2,000?
03:28With my savings and salary we'll be lucky
03:30if we get a weekend in a time-share tent.
03:33It was gonna be so good up until that bloody exam.
03:37- You can do one of two things, Rodney.
03:40You can go down the council and see if they've got a place
03:43or you can sell your share of the
03:44business to Del for 2,000 pounds.
03:48- That's not a bad idea, Unc.
03:50I hadn't thought of that.
03:52Yeah, I'll go down the council this afternoon.
03:56- Morning Mike, look Rodders, there you are.
03:59Look at this.
04:00What have I got?
04:01Executive mobile phone, solid state of the art.
04:04You can phone someone
04:05from the top of a mountain with one of these.
04:07It's all to do with satellites or something.
04:11They normally retail at £199.99.
04:14I got them for 25 nicker each.
04:17- Where'd you get them from?
04:18- You know that Mickey Pearce and Jevon?
04:20They started trading, you know, so I
04:21said I'd help them out. I've got a hundred of them.
04:23- A hundred?
04:24Well, that £2,500.
04:26I didn't know we had that sort of money in the firm.
04:28- No, no, no we haven't.
04:29I've got them on sale or return, haven't I?
04:31What I don't sell I return.
04:32Lovely Jubbly.
04:34So how did it go last night?
04:36- How'd you mean?
04:37- Well, down at the night school.
04:38You got the results of the exam.
04:42- Mr Jamille said he hadn't had a
04:43chance to look at everyone's work yet.
04:45- You've passed, Rodney.
04:47I can feel it.
04:48With your diploma and my yuppy image we're on our way up
04:52and to celebrate the occasion I've just been down the
04:55printers and I have ordered 200 of these.
05:00Trotters Independent Traders headed notepaper.
05:03This'll let them know we're around.
05:06- What's all those initials?
05:08- Modern business people only speak in initials, don't they?
05:12You've got FT, Financial Times, BA, British Airways,
05:16GLC, General 'Lectric Company.
05:20And we've got a list of company directors and all that.
05:24- Oh yeah, you and me.
05:27What's these initials after my name?
05:28DIC.
05:31- No, that is Diploma in Computerisation, Rodney.
05:38It's got impact, they'll see our high
05:41profile coming a mile off.
05:43- Del, thanks to your high profile we now have a
05:45company called TIT and a director with DIC after his name.
05:50- No, no, no.
05:51That stands for Trotters Independent
05:53Traders and DIC is Diploma in TIT.
05:59I see what you mean Rodney.
06:01I'll better get on to the printer's
06:02on my executive mobile phone.
06:05Let's see, how do we work this.
06:07- Here you are boys, compliments of the stud.
06:10- Who is that?
06:11It's Boycie.
06:12Hello Boycie, alright?
06:14Cheers.
06:16Mike, just before you go come and have a look at this.
06:18An executive mobile phone right.
06:21I can let you have this for what I paid 40 nicker.
06:25- Forty eh?
06:26Nice-looking model.
06:27- It's top of the range.
06:31- That aerial's a bit urgent, ain't it?
06:33- Yeah well that's the idea.
06:35It's called instant aerial.
06:36It's a feature of this particular model, you see.
06:39I'll show you how it works.
06:41I'll give you a little demonstration.
06:43First of all you press there and then you start.
06:57(high pitched static)
07:02I know what that is,
07:03the satellite has moved out of position.
07:09Hang about, there'll be
07:10another one along in a minute.
07:12- I think I'll stick to the
07:13phone in the public bar, Del.
07:15- Now Mike listen, I'll let you have it for 35 quid.
07:18I don't mind losing a fiver for a mate.
07:21Don't worry.
07:22This time next year we'll be millionaires.
07:33- I thought Rodney said that video recorder could only
07:35work on continental electric?
07:38- Yeah, that's why I popped over to Calais
07:40and got myself a couple of bucketfuls of it this morning.
07:43No, it's alright.
07:44Here, you know that Chinese kid
07:45who lives over in Desmond Tutu house?
07:50He's a bit of a boffin when it comes to the old
07:52electronics so I got him to fit an adaptor
07:54on the back of it for me.
07:56- The Chinese kid?
07:57The one you always said was stupid?
07:59- He's not stupid, that Chinese kid is a bit of a genius
08:02when it comes to the old electronics.
08:06That diploma exam of yours
08:07wasn't as easy as you thought it'd be was it?
08:10- Who told you that?
08:11Was that Albert?
08:11- No, no, it wasn't.
08:12I bumped into that Mr Jamille,
08:14that teacher at your training college.
08:16- Del, everything I did in that examination was correct,
08:20well, except for one minor miscalculation.
08:24You see, we had to program a computer with
08:26a mock flight plan.
08:27It was supposed to be an unmanned space probe.
08:30Stupid.
08:32We was all given the information, you know, navigational
08:34data, analysis of payload ratio to engine capacity.
08:38- Yeah, well, you need all that, don't you?
08:43- But I got a bit confused between liters and gallons right?
08:47Round here in Peckham we don't have much dealing
08:50with continental measurements.
08:52So I didn't program enough fuel and my probe fell
08:55slightly short of Venus.
08:59- He mentioned to Dartford.
09:03Listen, soppy, you don't actually
09:05know that you haven't passed.
09:07I mean, no one's told you that you've failed.
09:09- Del, I do not need a weatherman
09:10to tell me when it's peeing down.
09:13Mr Jamille handed out all the diplomas
09:15the other night right except for me.
09:18- Well, you know, maybe he was busy,
09:19maybe he hadn't got round to looking at yours yet.
09:21- Del don't patronize me.
09:23Look, I naused it up and that's all there is to it.
09:26- Right, okay.
09:27You know best.
09:30But Mr Jamille asked me to give you this.
09:35He wanted me to apologize for him
09:37and say he was very sorry but he'd been very busy
09:39an' he's only just got round to looking at your work.
09:42- All that whinging and
09:43whining and you'd passed all the time.
09:46- I don't believe it!
09:47- Here you are Rodney, you've done it!
09:50I'm proud of you.
09:51- Cheers Del!
09:52- Now you can get that job you wanted, can't you?
09:55- Yes, I won't have any prob.
09:57Who told you that?
09:58Was that Albert?
09:59- No, it was not Albert.
10:01It was Cassandra's dad.
10:02- You've met Cassandra's dad?
10:04- Well, yeah, he's got that little printing firm
10:06and I wanted to get them letterheads printed,
10:08and I thought I'd take the business down
10:10to him, you now, keep it in the family.
10:12He's a nice bloke that Alan.
10:14We had a nice chat and a drink.
10:16- But Cassandra's dad don't drink.
10:18- Oh no, but this was a special occasion, wasn't it?
10:20The heads of two great households
10:22meeting for the first time.
10:25Well, it was a bit like a summit,
10:27so anyway we had a couple of scotches
10:28and that's when he told me he'd offered you the job.
10:30- You're not upset, are you?
10:32'Cos I mean I'm breaking up the partnership aren't I.
10:35- Oh our partnership.
10:38Don't worry about that Rodney, you're doing the best thing.
10:43No you've got to go with that Alan 'cos you
10:46know he can offer you a future which is more than I can.
10:50Anyway, you've got to have a proper job to get a
10:52mortgage for that new flat.
10:55- Who told you that?
10:56Was that Cassandra's dad?
10:58- No, Albert told me.
11:01So what you doing about the deposit then?
11:03- Oh I dunno, mate.
11:05Where am I gonna get £2,000?
11:08- Off your big brother.
11:11- What?
11:12- I'm giving you £2,000 as a wedding present.
11:16- Where are you gonna get that sort of money?
11:18- I'm owed it, ain't I?
11:19I'll just call in my debts.
11:22- What, you mean I can tell Cassandra and her dad?
11:24- You can tell the Daily Mirror for all I care!
11:27(doorbell rings)
11:28- Well that'll be her.
11:29Cheers mate.
11:36- Where are you gonna get all that money from?
11:40- You know these video recorders I sold
11:42along Boycie a few months ago.
11:44Well, he still hasn't weighed in with the old dosharoonies.
11:47So I'll get the money off him and give it to Rodney
11:50and it'll all be rez de chasse, as they say in the Dordogne.
11:55- Look who's here.
11:56- Hello darling, alright?
11:57- Hello, Del.
11:58Alright Albert.
11:59- Hello, love.
12:01- You passed.
12:03Oh you clever old thing.
12:06- Oh well, you know, it was nothing.
12:10Oh by the way, would you ask your dad how
12:12he'd like the deposit paid?
12:13You know, cash or cheque.
12:15- You got the 2,000?
12:16- Of course.
12:17- I don't think he cares if it's cash or a cheque.
12:20- Oh well, that's cool.
12:22- You're going out tonight, sweetheart?
12:23- Yes, we're going to see an Italian film.
12:25- Oh getting in the mood for your honeymoon in Rimini, eh?
12:29- Oh shut up. - Del.
12:32- Here, how you gonna understand
12:34that film if it's all in foreign?
12:35- No, it's got English subtitles underneath.
12:38- Oh Albert wouldn't bother with the subtitles.
12:40- He can speak Italian?
12:41- No, he can't read.
12:45- Oh that's a coincidence.
12:47My dad's just come home with one of these.
12:49- Has he?
12:49Oh well, there's a thing.
12:50Hope your mum's pleased.
12:52- Well, no actually, he came home absolutely plastered.
12:54- Really.
12:58Go on, sit down!
13:01Where's the machine?
13:03It's gonna be alright now.
13:04Alright here we go.
13:05I've done it at last!
13:07We're off and running!
13:09(explosion bangs)
13:15I don't believe it.
13:17Oh that stupid Chinese kid.
13:20Why did I ever trust him?
13:24- Right, I'll see you later, then.
13:27- Yeah go on, enjoy the film.
13:32- Here, I'm really pleased that Rodney's got his diploma.
13:36Lucky you bumped into that Mr Jamille, innit?
13:39- Yeah.
13:39- How much d'you give him?
13:41- 150.
13:45- You see it comes complete with batteries
13:47plus this little attachment so you can attach it
13:50to the dashboard of your car.
13:51You see, there it is,
13:53all of that for £35.
13:56- Del, watch my lips very closely.
13:58I do not want one.
14:01Only an idiot would buy one of those things.
14:04You got one?
14:06- No, I haven't.
14:08I'm thinking of getting one though.
14:11- Well done, Trigg.
14:12I'll show you how it works, shall I?
14:15Ah just the man!
14:16Excuse me, gentlemen, business.
14:18Bocie, can I have a word with you please?
14:20Sit down over there.
14:25When are you gonna weigh in with the money
14:27for those video recorders I sold you.
14:29- Del, I have told you before
14:31I am not paying you for them.
14:32They don't work.
14:33- Listen, I've solved that problem.
14:35There's a little Chinese kid over on my
14:37estate, now he's an electronics genius,
14:41now you give me the three and a half that you owe me
14:43and I'll get him to fix adapters on all your machines.
14:45They'll sell like hot cakes.
14:48- Del, I've got to be honest with you.
14:50I am skint.
14:51- Oh don't give me that, Boycie.
14:53- It's the truth!
14:54Marlene's pregnancy is costing me an arm and a leg.
14:58She's at a dodgy age for knocking out her first chavvy.
15:02She needs to be under constant surveillance
15:04by a very expensive group of medical experts.
15:06She's already had a week in a private ward.
15:09- Can't she go on the National Health?
15:11- Well, of course she can't.
15:12I can't expect my wife to mix
15:14with all those ordinary patients.
15:17Have you seen the way some of them dress?
15:20- Look, I've got Rodney's wedding coming up.
15:22I need that money.
15:23- I am just potless, Del, and that is no lie.
15:26It's the kipper's season, nobody is buying cars.
15:30But don't worry, I will pay you that
15:31money as soon as things pick up.
15:34- It'll be too late by then won't it!
15:36- I am sorry, Del Boy.
15:37You cannot get blood out of a stone.
15:42Oh talking of blood, I heard
15:45the Driscoll brothers were looking for you.
15:49- Driscoll brothers looking for me?
15:50What do they want with me?
15:51I never deal with the Driscoll brothers.
15:53I make sure of that.
15:54- Well, perhaps they want to look at Rodney's wedding list?
15:58- Very funny.
16:00- Half a shandy, please, Michael.
16:05- I guessed I'd find you here, you toerag.
16:09- Alan, what a pleasant surprise.
16:12Here, look who's here.
16:13Cassandra's dad, Rodney's future father-in-law.
16:16- How do you do, nice to meet yah.
16:19- Let me shake you by the hand, Alan.
16:20You're a brave man letting a Trotter into your family.
16:23- Rodney's is a good lad, I like him.
16:25- That's right.
16:25He's one in a million.
16:26Now you come and sit down over here, Alan,
16:28get away from all this riff-raf.
16:30What you drinking?
16:31- Just a lemonade for me, thanks Del.
16:33That drink I had with you last week,
16:34it knocked me sideways.
16:35I hardly touch the stuff these days, and Pam, my wife,
16:37she doesn't really agree with drinking.
16:39- Well perhaps you ought to get out of her,
16:41you know, get yourself a younger model.
16:43- Yeah, but she's been with me
16:44for so long now she's almost one of the family.
16:48Go on, I'll have a small scotch, but that's me lot.
16:50- Alright, then.
16:51Michael can I have a scotch and the usual for me, please.
16:54Here, what you done to your eye?
16:56- Oh yeah, the aerial on that
16:57phone you sold me came out a bit fast.
16:59- Oh yeah?
17:00Well you had a few sherbets, hadn't you though?
17:03Anyway, what you doing round here?
17:04- Well to tell you the truth Del I got bit bored.
17:07There's something wrong with our television.
17:09So I thought I'd pop round
17:11here and have a chat about the wedding arrangements.
17:13You know, I think you should make some sort of
17:14contribution to the proceedings.
17:16- Oh yeah, of course.
17:19- I mean, what sort of a hall do you think we should hire?
17:22- Well you know I don't think we ought to go mad, you know,
17:25it's only a registry office wedding, ain't it, eh?
17:30Actually, he's got a very nice hall
17:32here, you know, and it's cheap.
17:34- D'you know if I had my way
17:36that's exactly where we'd hold the reception
17:38a good old knees-up in a pub and plenty of jellied eels.
17:41- Well, this place is perfect, innit?
17:42And it's cheap.
17:43- Yeah, yeah.
17:44But my wife Pam, she's gone all up-market on the idea.
17:47She wants to hold the reception in a
17:48cricket pavilion or the country club.
17:51Oh yeah, she's got it all planned out.
17:52It's all Dom Perignon and caviar.
17:56Not a jellied eel in sight.
17:57So what do you think?
17:58- Well, I reckon you ought
17:59to put your foot down, you know.
18:01How much is this gonna cot me then?
18:03- Cost you?
18:05Oh Del, it's not gonna cost you a penny.
18:07My only child's getting
18:08married and I'm paying for the lot.
18:10- Yeah, but I thought you
18:11said you wanted me to make a contribution.
18:12- Yeah, with ideas and opinions.
18:19- Now actually, your missus has got a point, hasn't she?
18:23You know, I don't think that you and me
18:25ought to be selfish, should we?
18:27After all, it is for the happy couple,
18:29it is their big day.
18:30- You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you?
18:32I mean champagne, caviar, country clubs.
18:34- Oh no, I hate it, Alan
18:36I hate it, it's all put on.
18:37I mean, those people just do things for effect.
18:47- Boycie, Trigg, your minicab's here.
18:53- Del.
18:55- Excuse me.
18:57You two still ain't got the
18:58hang of those revolving doors, have you?
19:02- Can we have a word, Del?
19:03- Yeah, 'course you can yeah.
19:05Michael, get Mickey and Jevon a drink, will you?
19:08What is it?
19:10- Those mobile phones we gave you.
19:11You got the money for them yet?
19:12- Of course I haven't.
19:13I haven't sold 'em yet have I.
19:14- Oh my Goodens!
19:15- Oh bloody hell!
19:16- What's up with you two?
19:20- I'll see you, Del.
19:21- Yeah, cheers, Alan.
19:22Glad you enjoyed the drink.
19:27- Here, Del, that's a stroke of luck innit.
19:28He's hired my hall for the wedding reception
19:31and I'm doing all the food and drink.
19:33Where am I gonna get jellied eels from?
19:35- I'll talk to you later.
19:37I don't believe it!
19:39- See, those phones we gave you Del, they weren't ours.
19:41- We could have had a nice country club.
19:43- We had them on sale or return, same as you.
19:45- We could have been eating
19:46caviar instead of Mike's scotch eggs.
19:48- Del, they want their money.
19:50- I'm a caviar person, me, you know, most probably.
19:54Who wants their money?
19:56- [Mickey And Jevon] The Driscoll brothers.
19:57- The Driscoll brothers?
19:59You ain't been dealing with the Driscoll brothers have yah?
20:01- Only with those mobile phones.
20:02We thought they'd be a good seller.
20:04- That's it, that's who did that to you, ain't they?
20:07And your Gregory.
20:08That is their trademark, they don't touch the face
20:12but they knock the hell out of the body.
20:14- Danny Driscoll said this was a friendly warning.
20:17- I'm sorry, Del, we had to tell him you'd taken the phones.
20:20- They've got it in their
20:21heads that you're trying to con them.
20:23They're looking for you, Del.
20:24- I know, I know.
20:25I've had a warning.
20:27But let me tell you this,
20:29if I end up supporting a flyover on the M26,
20:32I guarantee that you two are gonna be in the next junction.
20:38Let me get you a drink, gentlemen.
20:41- Alright, what is all this
20:43about the Driscoll brothers?
20:44- Nothing, nothing at all.
20:46Listen, if the Driscoll brothers
20:47come in here asking for me,
20:47you ain't seen me, alright?
20:49- Listen, I've heard of the
20:50Driscoll bothers, Del,
20:51but I've never seen them.
20:52What they look like?
20:53- Well, one of them looks as though
20:55he was evicted from the planet of the apes.
20:57- Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards.
21:01- What, he's younger than his years?
21:02- No, he's got one of them faces that you wanna slap.
21:07- Here, Trigg, did you get Alan off home alright?
21:09- Yeah.
21:10There was almost an accident.
21:11The minicab driver nearly reversed into
21:12the Driscoll brothers' Mercedes.
21:15- The Driscoll brothers are here?
21:16What door they coming in?
21:17- Well, I dunno.
21:18They're just getting out the car.
21:19- Del quick, upstairs!
21:20Hide in the hall.
21:21Quickly!
21:22- Mickey, Jevon quick come on!
21:37- Boycie, how nice.
21:39- Hello, Danny.
21:40Your brother not with you?
21:43- Yeah.
21:47- Oh wotcher, Tony.
21:57Drink?
21:58- No.
22:00Is that right Marlene's up the spout?
22:02- Yeah.
22:04- Dear, dear, dear.
22:05Will you let us know the moment
22:06you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.
22:14- Yeah, righto, Danny.
22:16(laughs)
22:22Yeah, good one, Danny, good one.
22:26- Del Boy around?
22:27- No, no I ain't seen him this evening.
22:30- Well, that's funny.
22:30His van's in the car park and what's this?
22:34A Castella and a Malibu reef.
22:37Are you sure he's not around?
22:40Think hard, guv'nor.
22:43- Well, he may have been in earlier and then he left!
22:45- I see.
22:47You just had this place decorated?
22:49- Yeah.
22:50- Shame.
22:53I wanna buy everyone in this
22:55pub a drink, whatever they want.
22:58Now here's a pound and I want change.
23:06- Large cognac, please, Michael.
23:12- Keep still.
23:17Trigg, what you doing here?
23:21It's got nothing to do with you.
23:23What are you doing here with us?
23:25- I dunno really.
23:26You said quick upstairs so I just went.
23:31(pounding)
23:35- There's a doorknob there, Tony.
23:37Why don't you just turn it like a human being?
24:23- Let's try the bogs.
24:29- They're going!
24:31- We're in the clear.
24:34(shouts)
24:48- He's got one of our phones up his nose.
24:50- That's a good idea, innit?
24:53- Everything alright Del?
24:55- Fine, I just got this phone stuck up my nose, that's all.
25:00- Tony, help the man.
25:02- That's alright Tony, I can do that.
25:11- I thought I said I didn't
25:11want to see your faces round here any more.
25:14- Yes, Mr Driscoll.
25:15- Thank you Mr Driscoll.
25:18- That goes for you too.
25:19- Yeah, but.
25:20- Go on Trigg, see you later.
25:24- You owe us £2,000.
25:27You got the money?
25:28- No, of course I haven't.
25:29I haven't sold the phones yet, have I?
25:30- Don't give us that, Derek.
25:33Them two youngsters Ebony
25:34and Ivory took the phones from us
25:35over three months ago.
25:37- Three months?
25:39I didn't know that, Danny.
25:41- Do you think we're stupid?
25:45Do you think I'm stupid?
25:48Them two munchkins work for
25:49you and you're doing a bit of a Fagin,
25:52but you picked the wrong ones this time.
25:55If you don't come up with the two grand I'm gonna take his
25:57collar and lead off and let him loose on you.
26:01- Hang on!
26:02You got it wrong, you've got it all wrong.
26:04I tell you what, you can have all the phones back.
26:06- I don't want all that old rubbish back.
26:08- They used to make our telly go funny.
26:11- And that model's old now,
26:13and at least one of them's been up your hooter.
26:15- You've got to give me a bit of time.
26:18I mean, you two can't short of a couple of grand, can yer?
26:20- And you know why we ain't short a few bob?
26:24'Cos we don't let debts linger.
26:29Can we explain something to you, Del?
26:32When me and Tony were kids we was very, very poor.
26:37Our old man used to work in the
26:39stables in one of them big mansion houses.
26:42He used to work from six in the morning
26:43'til eight at night and what for?
26:45A pittance.
26:47- A shilling a day and a horse sandwich.
26:51- Then one day there was a robbery at the mansion.
26:54The bill arrested our old man,
26:55but there wasn't any evidence, was there?
26:57- That's right, just fingerprints.
27:02- Just fingerprints.
27:04- And eyewitnesses.
27:07- Couple of eyewitnesses.
27:09They found the jewels on him.
27:11- It was a plant.
27:14- It was a right fit-up.
27:16He died in a police cell with a fractured skull.
27:19They said it was a suicide attempt that went wrong,
27:23or right, whatever way you look at it.
27:27They claimed he tried to hang himself with his braces
27:29and smashed himself to death on the ceiling.
27:34Do you believe that?
27:36- No, no, I don't believe that, no.
27:39- The day he died, Tony and me swore that no one would ever
27:42dump on us and we would never, never be poor.
27:46- Wait a minute!
27:47After your dad died you two went to a young offenders' home,
27:50and who was it that used to look after your old mum
27:51with some hooky groceries and a bag of coal and all that?
27:54It was me, weren't it, eh?
27:56Come on, you owe me.
27:58No, I mean, you owe me a bit of time at least don't yah?
28:02- He's right.
28:03- No, he ain't.
28:05- We owe him.
28:06- I don't think we do.
28:07- Tony, we had an agreement.
28:10I do the thinking, you don't.
28:17Alright, Del, you got yourself a bit of time.
28:19- Cheers, cheers, Danny.
28:20When will I see you again?
28:22- Dunno.
28:23We'll surprise you.
28:24- Good, I'll look forward to that.
28:27- Get the money.
28:28- Right.
28:30Either you pay us or we pay you.
28:37- Oh hello, Danny.
28:38Just popped up to see if you needed any help.
28:40- No, I think we handled it pretty well on our own.
28:45Be seeing you soon.
28:56- Del, Mickey Pearce has just told me you got some
28:58electronic equipment off the Driscolls.
29:00- Yes, that's right.
29:01- It's not those video recorders you sold me, is it?
29:05- Yes!
29:08- God, do the Driscolls know?
29:10- I haven't said anything, you know, yet.
29:13- Well, you're not gonna tell them I got them, are you?
29:15- Look, they wanna give someone a good hidin'.
29:18Tell us what it was like, won't you, Boycie?
29:23- Here's most of the money I owe you.
29:25- I thought you said you was skint?
29:27- I thought I was but then I suddenly
29:29happened to find three grad in my pocket.
29:32Square it with the Driscolls.
29:33Keep them off me.
29:34- Of course I will, Boyce.
29:37What are friends for?
29:41- So remember, Rodney, marriage is like a self-service
29:43restaurant you get what you want,
29:45you see what your mates got and you want some of that.
29:50- I remember my stag night, Rodney.
29:52It was about one o'clock in the car park and I was
29:54just about to stagger home when they jumped out on me.
29:57- Who, who jumped out on you?
30:01- I dunno.
30:02It was pitch black.
30:04Anyway, they super-glued a
30:05learner sign to me pants and run off and left me.
30:11I didn't mind the learner sign.
30:13I just wish they'd let me keep my trousers.
30:17- You didn't, you didn't have no trousers on?
30:21- No, Rodney, no.
30:24- I'm just popping out.
30:25- Albert, just a minute.
30:27While you're up there, put another score in the whip.
30:35- Oh look, there he goes, hi-hoe.
30:40Alright mate?
30:41Fancy putting your head on upside down!
30:46- I fought in the war.
30:48- What?
30:49The Boer War?
30:50Go on, get out of here, you miserable old so-and-so.
30:52Here listen lads.
30:53There was this fellow, he was really short.
30:54I tell you how short he was.
30:55He got a job at mothercare as a bouncer,
30:57that's how short he was.
30:58He was so short, well, he.
31:01Well, he wasn't that short.
31:02A tall feller, he was very tall.
31:07There was this woman.
31:10- Del, I don't wish to spoil the surprise, but the
31:12Driscol brothers have just arrived.
31:15- Oh have they?
31:15Well, let them wait a while, can't they?
31:18- Do you need any backup?
31:19- No, it's alright, Denzil, thanks.
31:21Thanks a lot.
31:22No, don't worry I've got their money.
31:25- Are you having a good time, Del?
31:27- Yes, yes, I'm having a
31:29blinding time, Rodders, yeah, yeah.
31:32- I get married in two days' time.
31:34- Yeah, I know that.
31:35You wanna keep off the sherbet, otherwise you're gonna
31:37have a hangover on your honeymoon.
31:40- Oi, Del at the cerem.
31:45- Ceremony yeah, right.
31:49- They won't say my middle name will they?
31:53- No, no.
31:54He'll just call you, you know, like Rodney Trotter.
31:58- I wanna thank you, Del.
32:00You've done everything for me in my life.
32:03- Yes, alright.
32:04Shut up, Rodney.
32:07- He looked after me when I was a kid, when I was a nipper.
32:12- Yeah, I know, Rodney I remember.
32:15- He did everything for me.
32:17I mean, if it wasn't for him, right,
32:20I could have been a drunk
32:24or I could have been a snu-gliffer or anything.
32:32And I tell you something else about this man,
32:36he's giving me £2,000 pounds as a deposit for my flat.
32:43- I forgot that.
32:46- Oh hell.
32:51- Rodney, alright, you stay here, right?
32:54You just listen to the funny man, alright?
32:57Back in a minute.
32:59- Course my wife, she used to sell ice creams in the cinema.
33:01When we got married she went up the aisle backwards.
33:04She was lovely.
33:05We were driving home one night and she said,
33:06"Would you like to see where I had the operation?"
33:08I said, "Yeah".
33:08She said, "See the hospital up there on the hill."
33:12- I'll tell you.
33:14Del, right, he's the bestest bloke in the world.
33:17- Yeah, I know.
33:20Listen, Rodney, sometimes people say things that they mean,
33:23and they really mean it.
33:26- What you mean?
33:29- Well, sometimes they promise
33:30things and they really mean to keep that promise,
33:33but other things stop them from doing it.
33:42- Del!
33:54Are you in the bathroom?
33:57-[Del] Yeah.
34:00- Thanks for walking out and leaving me like that.
34:04-[Del] Sorry!
34:05I had too much to drink.
34:07I felt bad.
34:09I'm still feeling a bit rough Rodney.
34:12- Oh and thanks for not giving me that money.
34:16Denzil explained that you
34:17had something more important to spend it on!
34:19And you promised me.
34:21I've told Cassandra and her mum and dad and everything.
34:24I said I've got the money.
34:26What am I gonna look like now, eh?
34:28I'll tell you what I'm gonna look like now.
34:30I'm gonna look like a right
34:31tit-head, that's what I'll look like.
34:36- Your money's on the table.
34:58- Del?
34:59Thanks.
35:01- It's alright, bruv.
35:03It was a pleasure.
35:08- Del I'm sorry, right? - Yeah.
35:11- Shut up, you tart.
35:15-[Rodney] You're still gonna be my best man, aren't you?
35:18- Yeah, 'course I am.
35:21- We'll have a good old knees-up eh?
35:24- I think I've had enough of that for one night, Rodney.
35:28-[Rodney] And I tell you what,
35:29we'll have a good old sing-song.
35:32- Yeah, as long as you don't
35:34mind me sounding like the Bee Gees.
35:39- I do solemnly declare.
35:41- I do solemnly declare.
35:43- That I know of no lawful impediment.
35:45- That I know of no lawful impediment.
35:47- Why I may not be joined in
35:49matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.
35:53- Why I may not be joined in
35:54matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.
36:00- Do you have the ring?
36:07- Half past eleven.
36:28- Now repeat after me,
36:30I call upon these persons here present.
36:32- I call upon these persons here present.
36:35- To witness that I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
36:38(laughs)
36:42That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
36:46I would appreciate it if the guests
36:47would conduct themselves in a manner more
36:48becoming to this occasion, thank you.
36:52- That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
36:56-[Officiant] Take this woman, Cassandra
36:58Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
37:02- Take this woman, Cassandra
37:03Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
37:07- Now repeat after me.
37:09I call upon these persons here present.
37:11- I call upon these persons here present
37:14- To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
37:17- To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
37:19- Take this man, Rodney Charl, Rodney Trotter.
37:25- Take this man, Rodney Trotter.
37:27-[Officiant] To be my lawful wedded husband.
37:29- To be my lawful wedded husband.
37:31- Now you have both made the
37:33declarations required by law
37:35and you have made a solemn and binding contract
37:38with each other in the presence of your witnesses,
37:42you are now husband and wife.
37:44You may kiss the bride.
37:46- Thank you.
37:48-[Guests] Ohhh!
37:53(guests applaud and cheer)
37:59♫ Where is the love
38:01♫ Where is the love
38:03♫ Where is the love
38:05♫ Where is the love
38:08♫ Where is the love
38:10♫ Where is the love
38:12♫ Where is the love
38:18(unintelligible voices)
38:28- You must call us as soon you get
38:30back from your honeymoon.
38:31- Mum, we haven't even gone yet.
38:33- Don't you be late for your first day at work, Rodney.
38:34- No, I'll be there, Alan.
38:36- You'll have to come round to dinner.
38:38- Oh thank you, Pamela.
38:40- We could invite Del.
38:43- Well.
38:44- He'll most probably be busy anyways.
38:47- Yes.
38:47- Well, I'm seeing him on Wednesday.
38:48I'll ask him.
38:49- You're not going to get drunk again?
38:51- No, he's taking me to a pie and mash shop.
38:53- What for?
38:54- For pie and mash.
38:57- I think I'll just go and say
38:58goodbye to a few more people.
39:01- What's happened to you?
39:03Ever since you've met Rodney's brother
39:04you've become like a born-again hooligan.
39:08It's thanks to you that my daughter's wedding reception
39:09is being held at this ghastly pub,
39:13all champagne and welks.
39:15There's spoons of jellied eels everywhere.
39:18- That's because I like jellied eels.
39:20- Hey Alan!
39:21If you want some more of these jellied eels,
39:23you better get stuck in, mate!
39:24- Thank you Derek!
39:25I'm going to have another one of those jelly eels.
39:31- See you in a minute.
39:44- Are you off then, bruv?
39:45- Yeah, off in a minute.
39:49- Just wanted to, just wanted to say,
39:52Rodney, that I'm really very proud of you.
40:00You've got it all now, ain't you?
40:02New job, new flat, new wife, new life.
40:13- We had a few good years, eh?
40:16- We had some good times.
40:18- Right laughs!
40:20- And a couple of tears.
40:22But still that's what's all about innit.
40:26I just wish that Grandad and Mum.
40:30- Oh no, shut up!
40:31You'll have me going.
40:37- Ow!
40:41I got some bruises.
40:42I don't where I got them from, it's alright.
40:45- Goodbye, Del, and thanks for everything.
40:49- That's alright, ow!
40:51I just got some bruises.
40:54You just promise you do me a favor?
40:58- Of course!
41:00- Be gentle with him.
41:02- Oh shut up!
41:04- See you when we get back. - Bye bye.
41:06- We're off now.
41:08(unintelligible voices)
41:26- Bye! - Cheers!
41:42- I didn't know Rodney's middle name is Charlton.
41:44- Oh yeah, it was me mum.
41:47She was a fan.
41:48- Oh what?
41:49Charlton Heston?
41:50- No Charlton Athletic.
41:53- Duke, get off that table.
41:57How come you never got married, Del?
42:01- Me?
42:03No, I'm too shrewd for that game.
42:07- You got engaged, though, didn't you?
42:09Lots of times.
42:11So why didn't you marry any of them?
42:13- I dunno, it was Rodney, I suppose.
42:15- Rodney stopped you getting married?
42:18- Well, back in them days Rodney was just a kid,
42:20you know, and I had to bring him up.
42:24- You were like a mother and father to him.
42:26- Yeah, I breast fed him for the first six months.
42:31No, it's just that all the birds
42:33that I went out with they wanted to get married
42:35but they didn't want to bring Rodney up,
42:38especially the way he went through shoes.
42:41Anyway what was I supposed to do?
42:43Get married and put Rodney into care?
42:48Nah, so I elbowed them.
42:52It's family, innit?
42:55- You should be proud of yourself.
42:58He's turned out a real good 'un.
43:02- He's a diamond.
43:04A forty-two-carat, diamond.
43:07- Come along, Marlene.
43:11I wanna have a word with you during the week.
43:14You should see what that Chinese kid
43:16has done to my video recorders.
43:19- Bye, Del.
43:20- Bye-bye sweetheart.
43:27(clears throat)
43:30- Bye.
43:31- Bye, sweetheart.
43:33- Come on, Duke.
43:34- Cheerio, Boycie.
43:44♫ Well I've wasted all my tears
43:51♫ Wasted all of those years
43:56♫ And nothing has a chance to be good
44:02♫ Cause nothing ever could
44:08♫ Oh I'll keep holding on
44:16♫ I'll keep holding on
44:21♫ I'll keep holding on
44:27- Cassandra's dad's feeling a bit unwell.
44:33- I told him not to eat all them jellied eels.
44:38- I've got to lock up, Del.
44:40- Yeah, alright, Mike.
44:42Thanks very much for a very nice do.
44:44- Cheers, mate.
44:55♫ It's all I have to say
45:09(phone rings)
45:22- Hello, Trotter Independent Traders.
45:26Oh it's you, Albert.
45:29No, it's alright, I've only this minute got in.
45:34Where are you?
45:36Oh you're round at Elsie Partridge's are you?
45:39Oh yeah, got your plates of meat under the table there,
45:43ain't you, eh?
45:45You dirty old goat!
45:49What?
45:50No, no, they are, they're back from their honeymoon.
45:53Yeah, I saw Rodney this morning racing off to work.
45:57Yeah, he looked great, he did,
46:00nice three-piece suit, smart tie,
46:03and his executive briefcase, yeah the lot.
46:08You what?
46:11No, no, I didn't have chance to speak to him.
46:13I was in the van and he came racing past on his bicycle.
46:19The honeymoon?
46:21Yeah, I think that went alright, yeah.
46:23He was as white as a sheet.
46:26You what?
46:29Oh yeah, you off down the Legion tonight, are you.
46:32Me?
46:33No.
46:35Well, I'm alone.
46:36Well, no, no.
46:38I'm not alone, really,
46:39it's just the way I'd like it to be.
46:44No, no thanks very much, Albert.
46:47I appreciate the offer but I'm not in the mood
46:50for dominoes tonight, no alright.
46:55Yeah, I'll see you when I see you.
46:57Bye.
47:22- Alright?
47:24- Yeah, terrific, Rodders.
47:28- I am exhausted.
47:31- Yeah you look a bit cream crackered.
47:34What is it?
47:35Executive stress, is it?
47:36- No, it's that bike.
47:39The wheels hardly go round, the chain's come off twice
47:41and the front light don't work.
47:45Where d'you get it from?
47:47- I dunno.
47:48It's been in the garage for years.
47:51- What's for tea?
47:54- I dunno, I got no idea.
47:59Can I say something to you Rodney?
48:03Something that may hold you
48:04in good stead in the, you know, in the future?
48:09- Yeah, go on, then.
48:11- It's just that, well, how can I put it?
48:17You don't live here no more.
48:31- Oh, bloody 'ell!
48:31She'll go loopy.
48:35I'll see you, right?
48:36- Yeah, right, bruv.
48:44What a plonker!
48:52♫ We've got some
48:53♫ Half price cracked ice
48:54♫ And miles and miles of carpet tiles
48:56♫ TVs
48:57♫ Deep freeze
48:57♫ And David Bowie LPs
48:59♫ Ball games
49:00♫ Gold chains
49:00♫ What's-names
49:01♫ Pictures frames
49:02♫ And leather goods
49:03♫ And Trevor Francis track suits
49:04♫ From a mush in Shepherds Bush
49:08♫ No income tax no VAT
49:11♫ No money back no guarantee
49:14♫ Black or white rich or poor
49:17♫ We'll cut prices at a stroke
49:21♫ God bless Hooky Street
49:25♫ Viva Hooky Street
49:28♫ Long live Hooky Street
49:31♫ C'est magnifique Hooky Street
49:34♫ Magnifique Hooky Street
49:39♫ Hooky Street
49:42♫ Hooky Street
49:45♫ Hooky Street