lovelyjubbly · episodes
Only Fools and Horses S07E01 — The Skys the Limit
Every line from “The Skys the Limit” (613 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.
- 00:02# Stick a pony in me pocket
- 00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
- 00:10# If you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions
- 00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
- 00:17# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
- 00:21# Like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea
- 00:26# But here's the one that's driving me berserk Why do only fools and horses work? #
- 00:40# Get down and boogie
- 00:44# All you can do is step back in time Ball of confusion... #
- 00:50ALBERT'S SINGING CONTINUES
- 01:02Go on, then. Albert might come out any second.
- 01:07It's not a life or death dash over No Man's Land! What if he sees me?
- 01:15He doesn't know I stay in here. He thinks I'm in Rodney's room and Rodney's on the settee.
- 01:23We'll have to tell him the truth. All right, sweetheart.
- 01:27If it makes you happy, do it.Me?!
- 01:30I'm not telling him! It's embarrassing. He's YOUR uncle!
- 01:35All right, I'll tell him. What's the matter? It don't bother me.
- 01:43Get back! He's coming, he's coming!
- 01:45Tea up, Del Boy!
- 01:49Morning, son.Morning.
- 01:51Here's your papers. Financial Times. Thank you.Exchange and Mart.Yeah.
- 01:57I'll look up the closing prices in Tokyo at the breakfast table.
- 02:02You please yourself, son.Thank you.
- 02:05Raquel? Cup of tea, love?
- 02:09You awake? Raquel?
- 02:12I'll leave it outside for you, love.
- 02:15# Step back in time... #
- 02:19Aaaah!
- 02:23# Ball of confusion... #Something smells nice in the kitchen, Albert.
- 02:28I'm doing myself some egg and bacon.
- 02:31Want something healthy or something nice?
- 02:35A fry-up, but don't let Raquel see. She's into this high fibre cobblers.
- 02:40That's it! Good boy.
- 02:43Have you talked to young Rodney yet? What about?What about?!
- 02:48He's left his wife and come back here!
- 02:52What can I do? Appeal to his common sense.
- 02:56Oh, yeah? After lunch I'll find Shergar(!)
- 03:00Cassandra's gone to live in a foreign country!
- 03:04No, she ain't! She's in Spain!
- 03:07She's only there for a week. Her and her mum are getting away from it all at the family villa.
- 03:14Here, I'm family now. I could do with a break.
- 03:19I'll ask her dad tonight. Boozing every night(!) Cassandra's dad?
- 03:25Rodney!Oh, I was gonna say. Because Alan, he's teetotal, he is.
- 03:31Going for a drink with him is like a pub crawl with Betty Ford! Rodney's just a bit confused.
- 03:38Yeah. He was a bit confused the other night. Confused as a newt!
- 03:45He's making an effort. Look, he made his bed before he went to work.
- 03:50Er, yeah, hang about. Albert, just a minute.
- 03:54Look, the thing is, you see, Rodney did not sleep on the settee last night.Oh?No.
- 04:01Where did he sleep, then? Well, he slept in his old room.Oh!
- 04:07I thought Raquel slept in there.
- 04:10No.
- 04:13Where did she sleep, then?
- 04:15(I don't believe him!)
- 04:18She slept...
- 04:20somewhere else.
- 04:23Oh, I see.
- 04:31Where?
- 04:33Raise your voice one more decibel so they hear it in the Doo-dogne!
- 04:39You mean she slept with you, then?
- 04:41Yes. All right? Yes. Yes, she did.
- 04:44Don't you go and say nothing to her about it!Why? Don't she know?
- 04:55Of course she knows! I don't want her to be embarrassed, that's all.
- 05:01I wondered why you looked a bit chirpy! He-hey! He-hey!
- 05:06Blimey! That laugh of yours sounds like someone push-starting a Lada!
- 05:12'Ere, you have my breakfast. Build your strength up.
- 05:16I'll cook meself another one. Good! Bless you, Uncle!
- 05:21You're a lifesaver, I tell you.
- 05:26Look at that, eh? Lovely jubbly!
- 05:29Morning!
- 05:35Morning. Nice to see you back on your feet.
- 05:44You up to some breakfast? No. How can you eat that rubbish?
- 05:50The Trotter family have eaten that rub...cuisine for generations.
- 05:55Never done us any harm. My dad lived till he was 81.
- 06:0081, see? That's a good age. It weren't for him - he died!
- 06:07I know that, but what I meant...! I agree with Raquel.
- 06:13I can't eat fried rubbish no more.
- 06:15Give me a nice grapefruit any day.
- 06:19That's what I like to hear.
- 06:22You've got some egg on your chin. Eh?!
- 06:26The doctor warned you!And a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit!
- 06:31We all know what happened to that poor, old cow.
- 06:35It's all right, sweetheart. I know you've got my intentions at heart.
- 06:40I'll try to leave it alone in future.
- 06:44Lord! Is that the time? Are you eating?No, I'm going to the shops.
- 06:49Come on, I'll give you a lift. I'm taking some printing to Boycie's.
- 06:54Dear, oh, dear. Look at that.
- 06:57Albert, I'll see you later.
- 07:00And you know what you can do with that rubbish, don't you, eh?
- 07:06Put it in the oven! In the oven!
- 07:13Has Del gone to work?
- 07:16Yeah. I thought you'd gone as well. No, I overslept a bit.
- 07:21Do you want a bit of breakfast? Oh, yeah, I'll...
- 07:26No, I'll have a glass of orange.
- 07:29Get a move on. It's gone nine.
- 07:31Yeah, well, the thing is, Unc, I don't really feel well enough to go to work today.
- 07:38Could you ring them?What's wrong?
- 07:41Oh, you know. My stomach sort of aches.
- 07:45I think it's viral. There's lots of it about.Yeah, at the Nag's Head!
- 07:51I've not got a hangover if that's what you're thinking.
- 07:56I had a couple of drinks last night. And the night before.
- 08:01All right, just...
- 08:04Oi, here. Ask for the Personnel Department.
- 08:09Hello? Could I have the Personnel Department, please?
- 08:14They wouldn't have you in the Armed Forces.That lets me out of WWIII!
- 08:19Good morning. I'm calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter. He won't be in...
- 08:25Eh? "Who is he?" Who are you?
- 08:28Cheeky cow! Tell her I'm the Head - the Head - of the Computer Section.
- 08:35He's the 'ead... the Head of the Computer Section.
- 08:40LAUGHS Yeah, that's him!
- 08:47Well, he won't be in today because he's got a bellyache.
- 08:52He might be a bit egg-bound.Oh(!)
- 08:56Right. Yeah, all right, dear. Bye!
- 08:59All right?What do you mean?! You told her I had a bellyache!
- 09:04That's what you've got!I have not!
- 09:07You have an ache?I have.In your belly?Yes.That's a bellyache!No!
- 09:13I got it wrong.A bellyache is for getting out of school sports day!
- 09:19Heads of Computer Sections have viral conditions! Well, they know you won't be in.
- 09:26I can't go ever again! Bloody egg-bound(!)
- 09:30DOOR OPENS Albert! Where are the van keys?
- 09:34Get that breakfast on the... Rodney, you should be at work!
- 09:39He's got a viral condition. What's that?
- 09:42He's got a viral condition. What's that?A bellyache(!)
- 09:47That came on sudden, because last night you were feeling NO pain!
- 09:52I know what you think.You don't.
- 09:54Just because I had a drink you assume I have a hangover.
- 09:59Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You certainly ain't the fairest in the land!
- 10:06You look like you're just back from a Club 18-30 trip to Chernobyl!
- 10:12That's not too far from the truth. My love life has taken on a Russian ambience.
- 10:19Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely turn up!
- 10:25Don't believe that about Russians. During the war... Oh, leave it out, will you?
- 10:32I was in the Soviet Union. Back in the USSR(!)
- 10:36Listen, they wouldn't let you in the Soviet Union. Or the plumbers' union!
- 10:42I was dry-docked in Murmansk and met one or two of them Russian girls. They're hot stuff!
- 10:49Oh, leave it out, Albert.
- 10:52He's got a point. Have you seen that lovebite on Gorbachev's head?
- 10:59Help me look for these keys. I've got to get down to Boycie's.
- 11:04Albert, iron my midnight pink shirt. I'm having cocktails with Alan.
- 11:09Cassandra's dad?Yes, her dad, your father-in-law and employer.
- 11:14How many days have you had off this week because of hangovers?
- 11:19You're gonna push that man too far.
- 11:22I'm ill. What is it? The two-bob bits?
- 11:29A viral condition sounds better.
- 11:32And what am I to say about you and Cassandra?
- 11:36Tell him I'm working on it. That'll cheer him up(!)All right.
- 11:41Where are these keys?If I knew, I wouldn't be looking for them!
- 11:46I could have left them...
- 11:49Hey, Rodney. Listen, do you want me to phone and make an appointment at the doctor?
- 11:56No, I'm OK. You're limping!My sock's wet.
- 12:01Somebody left a mug of tea outside my bedroom door.
- 12:20Duke!
- 12:22Will you get in that bloody house?!
- 12:32Are we going out or aren't we?
- 12:35Yes, we ARE going out for the day. I'm just waiting for the engineers to check this over.
- 12:42They said they'd be here at nine. Quarter to ten and no sign of them.
- 12:48I suppose Del Boy's been held up by that woman. What's her name?Raquel.
- 12:53Yeah, the stripper(!) She is an actress!
- 12:58Oh, yeah? The last time I saw her, she was acting the part of a stripper!
- 13:04Isn't that working yet?
- 13:07Yes, it's working. It's just that I can't train it on the satellites.
- 13:12How do I know where they are?! You'd think they'd fly lower.Well...
- 13:18Look, tiger. Come round here and look at your daddy.
- 13:23Look. There he is.
- 13:26He's playing with his new toy.
- 13:29Don't he look stupid?
- 13:33This is not a toy. It's £2,000 of state-of-the-art technology!
- 13:39You never paid £2,000! You got it hooky!
- 13:43Shut up, Marlene! For God's sake!
- 13:47We have a Chief Inspector next door. He was the one you got it off of!
- 13:52Why couldn't we get a cheap one from Dixon's? Because this is not for pleasure.
- 13:59It's an investment in my video leisure company.
- 14:03This can pick up Scandinavia.
- 14:07I can, therefore, record films of the more adult variety
- 14:12and show them to my discerning clients.Perverts!
- 14:16If you want to get medical about it. < Boycie!
- 14:20Oh, he wants paying. Now, no messing. You pay him. I know what a tight sod you are.
- 14:27And be nice to him. You know he's had...problems.OK, I'll be nice.
- 14:33Don't get your face too close! It scares him!
- 14:42BABY MAKES NOISE Yeah, he's daft, in't he?
- 14:48I've just finished.
- 14:51Oh, you are finished, all right! Look at my vestibule!
- 14:56Paint on my carpets and on my Chippendale telephone seat! A drop or two.
- 15:03It looks like an acid party in a Dulux warehouse!
- 15:07Sorry. What'll I do with the bill?
- 15:10Stick it! I am not paying. Hang about!
- 15:14You owe me £400. We shook hands.
- 15:18Yes! I had to wash the paint off!
- 15:21You either adjust your bill for all that damage or contact my solicitor.
- 15:26It's the last time I have a cowboy working here.I am not a cowboy!
- 15:32Not a cowboy?! I have spur marks on my grandfather clock!
- 15:37I don't like being called a cowboy!
- 15:40No-one's ever called me that before! I am not a cowboy!
- 15:45Bronco!
- 15:47Oh, wotcher, Del. How's your luck, pal?
- 15:51I've been working for Boycie. That tight-arsed berk refused to pay me!
- 15:57Accused me of being a messy worker! Well, you are a little bit sloppy.
- 16:03Look at them overalls.But I'm a painter!I sold you them last week!
- 16:08I couldn't wash them. The landlord cut our electric off. I thought you bought a little flat.
- 16:16Building society evicted us.Where are you now?A B&B near the airport.
- 16:22Oh? That's handy if you like planes. We're at the end of the main runway.
- 16:27Kushti!
- 16:29'Ere, how's your little Kylie?
- 16:32Oh, she broke her arm.No?Climbed up on a chair to look at a plane!
- 16:38Things are a bit grim, aren't they, Bronco?
- 16:42Yeah. Maybe I should tell Boycie, give him a sob story.What?!
- 16:47You've got to be joking!
- 16:50He cheered when Bambi's mum died!
- 16:53I just don't understand my luck lately. If it can go wrong, it has.
- 16:59A roof I re-tiled has just collapsed.
- 17:02Last week I rewired a bloke's flat. Yesterday it caught fire.
- 17:07By the way, here's my business card.
- 17:09Thanks. That's very handy. I'll keep that.
- 17:13I've worked hard on this business and I've always led an honest life.
- 17:20Well, for the last five years, eh? True. Being banged up in Wandsworth Prison helped a bit, though.
- 17:27And why did I go away? Because you nick very silly things!
- 17:32You were speeding down Streatham High Street in a knocked-off JCB!
- 17:37Look,
- 17:39Bronco, I know you've got these...problems.
- 17:44What problems?That psychiatrist reckoned you had paranoia.
- 17:50You can't take any notice of him. He's always had it in for me.
- 17:56Oh, yeah. I never thought of that.
- 17:59'Ere, Bronco. Listen, do you need a few quid to tide you over?
- 18:05No, it's very nice, but I'll get my money one way or another. See you.
- 18:10If you need any help just give us a bell.
- 18:15Stay lucky!
- 18:28Oh, here you are. I brought your printing round. He's gone, has he?Yeah.Good.
- 18:36He's been decorating my vestibule. Oh?Made quite a good job of it. I'm well pleased.
- 18:43But you refused to pay him! No, no, no, Del Boy!
- 18:48I only refused to pay the agreed price. Well, it's principle.
- 18:53I make a fuss, he doesn't want the aggro, so he knocks off 50% for goodwill.
- 19:00He gets a living wage, I save 200 notes. It's good business.
- 19:05But come on! He's got Kylie and Sandra and Rachman to support.
- 19:10Does this look like the Social Security? Who is he, anyway?
- 19:15He's your brother-in-law!
- 19:18Do you think I like having a certified nutter in my house?
- 19:23I gave him a job to help him out.
- 19:26Bloody handy having Rodney work at his father-in-law's printing firm!
- 19:31Half-price? Does Alan know? Rodney is totally in charge now.
- 19:37It couldn't run without him. I always had faith in that boy.
- 19:42So did I. You ordered a lot this time.
- 19:46I thought I'd get in quick before Rodney gets the sack!
- 19:54PLAYS "Red Sails In The Sunset"
- 20:08I've been thinking about getting one of them electric pianos.
- 20:13They sound a lot better.
- 20:15Yeah. And you can switch them off.
- 20:19Last night it was Trotter the Younger and his dopey mates. Were you in?
- 20:26Most probably.
- 20:28There was Rodney and Mickey Pearce poncing about pretending to be Ninja Turtles.
- 20:35They'd all drunk too much. You don't want that in a pub. No, you don't.
- 20:41# Red sails in the sunset... #
- 20:45He's singing! I know.
- 20:49Does he know you banned him?
- 20:55# I'm sailing away... #
- 21:02Hello. Au revoir to you both! Del Boy!
- 21:06What are you drinking? A peach daquiri and a chipolata sandwich. Has Alan been in yet?
- 21:14I ain't seen him so far.
- 21:16I saw Boycie about half an hour ago. He seemed in a right mood.
- 21:22I expect Marlene's taken the Velcro off his Y-fronts again.
- 21:27Sorry I'm late, Del. Pam just phoned from the villa.No problem, Alan.
- 21:32What are you drinking? Tomato juice.On my bill, please.
- 21:37Would you deliver them to the table over moi? Come on, sit down, Alan.
- 21:42Well, how are you, mate? Not bad, Del.
- 21:46You're probably wondering why I asked to meet you.Of course not.
- 21:51What could be more normal than relatives having a quiet drink?
- 21:56Ah, here he comes! Relatives?Thank you, Michael. Relatives?We're family now.
- 22:03We are kind of related, sort of.
- 22:06Kind of? Listen, when Cassandra married a Trotter, you all became Trotters.
- 22:13Maybe not in the eyes of the law, but in the eyes of my heart.
- 22:18Yes, Alan, you're family now.
- 22:21What's mine is yours. And I reckon that works the other way round, eh?
- 22:27About this villa... What happened to Rodney today?
- 22:31He's got a viral infection.
- 22:34Oh, yeah, the two-bob bits.
- 22:36No, it's worse than that, really. He's very poorly. You call a doctor in?
- 22:43No, he wouldn't let me. He's trying to be a British bulldog.
- 22:48That's funny. Last night he was trying to be a Ninja Turtle!
- 22:53Rodney was down here? Down here? He was all over! Drunk as a sack, he was.
- 23:00If he hadn't spent so much, I'd have slung him out.
- 23:04These viral infections, they happen very suddenly.
- 23:09This is what I came to see you about, so what the hell is happening?
- 23:14Well, he's drinking too much and pretending he's enjoying it.
- 23:19That's why he's off work so much. Yeah. I've been trying to tell him.
- 23:24He'll end up a dead ringer for Keith Richards.
- 23:28He looks like an extra from Halloween as it is!
- 23:33So what's brought it about? His lifestyle, I suppose. Late nights, women, booze, drugs.
- 23:40Rodney?!
- 23:42Not Rodney! I thought you meant the other fella.
- 23:48No, you see...
- 23:57Oh, dear!
- 23:59It's obvious what the thing is. It's this problem with Cassandra. That's what I feared.
- 24:07I wanted to leave them the business. Well, that's a dream come true.
- 24:12You could fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you?
- 24:17I meant I could retire. Oh, yes, of course.
- 24:21We'd settle down in our villa.
- 24:24You could leave the business safely with them and if they got into trouble, I could take control.
- 24:31Yeah, well, you and I are about the same age, Del. You'd be retired, too.
- 24:37I never thought of that. I could come and spend a few months with you and Pam at the villa.
- 24:45Oh! Oh, yeah. Wait till I tell her.
- 24:49Yeah! You and Pam, me and Raquel. You can just picture it.Oh, yeah.
- 24:54We'll have a few laughs, won't we? A few sangrias, lamdada the night away!
- 25:00Let's have a drink to celebrate. Michael!No, no, no. I don't touch it nowadays.
- 25:07OK. About that villa...Del! >
- 25:10A call for you. Who is it?Someone called Bronco.
- 25:14Excuse me. It's a very important business associate.
- 25:19Hurry up, he's had a skinful.
- 25:21Excuse me, Alan.
- 25:26Yes, Bronco, what is it?
- 25:31You never know what you've got till it's gone.
- 25:36I suppose so, Trigger.
- 25:39I had a relationship break up a few years ago.
- 25:44She worked in my depot. A lady roadsweeper?
- 25:48No, she was management. A real high flier. You went to her for a new broom.
- 25:55Linda. Nice girl. Had a funny eye.
- 25:59Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if the bus was coming.
- 26:07She'd heard about this hotel down near Henley-on-Thames.
- 26:13She said to me, "How about spending a weekend there?"
- 26:18Yeah, go on, Bronco. What sort of money are we talking about?
- 26:23I'll have to pop down and see it.
- 26:25Yeah? What? What happened?
- 26:30Was it a nice weekend? I thought it was.
- 26:34She wouldn't see me no more. I don't like to pry...
- 26:39No, it's a bit personal.
- 26:42Hang on, Bronco. Trig, what happened?
- 26:47She got jealous.
- 26:50I heard later through friends that she wanted to go with me.
- 27:01I'll have a large Scotch, Mike.
- 27:08What did you say, Leroy? Sorry? Do what?
- 27:12No, I can't hear you.There's still a bit of mud and dirt over there.
- 27:17Thank you(!) Pleasure, dear.
- 27:20Sorry, what did you say, Leroy? Hold on.
- 27:24Can you switch the J Edgar off? I'm on the mobile blower.Sorry.
- 27:29Right, now what were you saying?
- 27:32Eh?
- 27:34Sorry, I can't... CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- 27:37Can you hear me now?
- 27:42Can you...? I can't hear you! Oh, blow this!
- 27:46Oh, we've been cut off(!) I don't know what he wanted.
- 27:51Can I ask something?Yes.Before me, how did you keep this place clean?
- 27:56We didn't.
- 27:58I seem to spend my whole time hoovering.Well, take a break.
- 28:03There's loads of ironing! I hope that's a joke or you'll be drinking that aftershave!
- 28:10Of course it's a joke. Take a break. Sit down and put your feet up.
- 28:16I'll make us a nice cup of tea.
- 28:19Albert, put the kettle on! Oh, look out, here he comes.
- 28:24Home for lunch? No, I've got my orders from Alan - meet Cassandra at the airport.
- 28:32I bumped into Leroy. He's upset about a mobile phone you sold him. I told him to ring you.
- 28:40Oh...! Oh, yeah. Right. Thanks very much, bruv.
- 28:45So you've had a chat with Alan?
- 28:47No, he left a message. He's got some virus.Oh, has he really?
- 28:53Why have I to pick her up?It gives you a chance to have a chat.
- 28:59No, she wasn't talking to me when she left, so I ain't talking to her.
- 29:04Oh, grow up! It has nothing to do with you.
- 29:08Hey, don't you have a pop at Raquel. Well...just stay out of my life.
- 29:15That is one touchy little sod. Don't be too hard on him. He's going through a bad patch.
- 29:22He'll go through the bloody window!
- 29:25DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.No, I'll go.
- 29:29Oh, you've gone now.
- 29:35Oh, it's Raquel. You look so different fully clothed.
- 29:40Come in(!)I'll be quick. I've left the Mercedes parked downstairs.
- 29:45On this estate, they'd have the wheels off a jumbo if it flew low!
- 29:50Come on, then.You're too kind(!)
- 29:54Del? Hello, Boycie. What do you want?
- 29:58Do I detect an atmosphere in Chez Trotter?
- 30:01Most probably Del's aftershave!
- 30:05I'll make the tea. I suddenly feel nauseous.
- 30:13You've got one in a million(!) What can I do for you?
- 30:18Derek, you may have heard that I have an expensive piece of electronic hardware.
- 30:25A TV satellite aerial receiver.
- 30:27I didn't know that.Oh, yes.
- 30:30And not some £150 Mickey Mouse job you see glued to council houses ruining the stone cladding.
- 30:38I am talking two grand, hi-tech, state-of-the-art sophistication.
- 30:43You're making me jealous.
- 30:45You're not the only one, Del. Some git nicked it!You're kidding!
- 30:51I went out and there it was. I came back...And there it wasn't.
- 30:55You catch on fast, Del.Well, what do you want me to do about it?
- 31:01The word is that a very similar TV satellite receiver entered this estate tied to the back of a lorry.
- 31:08If any of your "contacts" should offer you an almost-new aerial dish,
- 31:14buy it for me as cheap as possible. Offer £300. I'll go to £500.
- 31:19You'd buy your own property back? Why not go to the gendarmes?
- 31:24Oh, no, they're very busy people.
- 31:27I thought I'd save a bit of time this way. Know what I mean?I know.
- 31:32I'll keep my ear to the ground. If I hear, I'll give you a bell.
- 31:37Goodbye, Raquel.Is your son about 11 with a Mohican haircut?
- 31:43Good God, no!Then who's that sitting in your Mercedes?
- 31:50Go on, Boycie, my son!
- 31:54Hope he falls down the stairs.
- 31:57Are you feeling better now? Yeah.
- 32:01I'm sorry about just now.That's all right. Forget it. Sit down.
- 32:06So, what are you gonna do? I dunno.
- 32:12Do you want your marriage to work? Yes.
- 32:16Really? Honestly?Honestly. I want to go back to the way we were.
- 32:22If she wants to pursue her career and go to functions and seminars at the bank,
- 32:29then I don't mind any more. Really.
- 32:32Well, why don't you tell HER that?
- 32:34"Canape de anchois" as the governor of the Bastille said as flames licked round his April!
- 32:41That is French and it means, "I gotta do something quick!"
- 32:50With Cassandra I had a woman I loved, who said she loved me.
- 32:56Now I find myself halfway between paradise and Nelson Mandela House!
- 33:03I just want her to believe that I mean what I say. I tried everything to convince her.
- 33:10I feel like I've taken the mountain to Mohammed only to find... he's already bloody got one.
- 33:24I better go...Yeah, yeah, go on.
- 33:36You know why Alan asked you to go and pick Cassandra up, don't you?
- 33:41Cos he weren't feeling well.
- 33:43No, because Cassandra and her mum have been sitting round the pool in that villa of theirs
- 33:51having exactly the same conversation as we've just had.
- 33:56She feels the same.Cassandra?
- 33:59No, her mum(!)
- 34:01Of course Cassandra!
- 34:04Really?Yeah, really.
- 34:06Listen, have you got any money? Yeah.
- 34:10Not a lot. No, I've got an idea, right?
- 34:15I know the manager of this luxury hotel that's right near the airport.
- 34:20I used to go there during the mating season.
- 34:25I could give him a bell, right? And get him to give you the bestest suite in the whole hotel.
- 34:33So that when Cassandra flies in all brown and relaxed,
- 34:38you have a big bouquet of flowers and the key to the honeymoon suite.
- 34:43A mini-honeymoon, eh? 18 months after the first.
- 34:48Do you really think it could work? Of course! A splash of Brut! Home and dry!
- 34:54Go on, then. I'm game. Good boy! You know it makes sense! I'll give him a bell.Del?
- 35:01You know I said I had some money?
- 35:04Working for Alan, I've been doing really well.
- 35:10I know you've been struggling a bit lately, so...if you need it, it's there.
- 35:19Rodney, you are the jewel in Mum's crown.
- 35:24You really are.
- 35:26Shut up.No, it's true.
- 35:29I appreciate that.
- 35:31But, as it happens, I'm doing well with the old half-price printing.
- 35:37And I'll pick up a bit of bunce
- 35:39with that thing there.
- 35:49KNOCK
- 35:54Good evening, Mr Trotter. I'm Henry, your concierge. Your brother said you'd require our finest suite,
- 36:02complete privacy and a full English breakfast.Thank you.
- 36:06I think it would help to maintain a degree of privacy if we dealt only in cash.
- 36:13Oh, right.That'll be £150, please.
- 36:17150 qui...?!
- 36:19Yes, of course.
- 36:23Thank you. And as a special surprise,
- 36:26Derek has also ordered champagne.
- 36:29"Only the very finest," Derek said. "Money is of no object." That was nice of him.
- 36:35That'll be another £70, please.
- 36:38What, I...?
- 36:40Well, he can be very, very generous at times, can't he?
- 36:47Thank you. I, er...believe you have a guest joining you.Yes.
- 36:54A special evening?
- 36:57Oh, yeah. I'm...
- 36:59Um, yes. My wife will be landing at the north terminal in an hour.
- 37:04Oh, I see. Don't worry. If she should call, I'll say I've never heard of you.
- 37:11No, my wife is my guest.
- 37:14Your wife?Yeah.
- 37:17Oh, well, it takes all kinds.
- 37:19Can I order a bouquet of flowers? No, my brother got me a bouquet.
- 37:25They're out in the va... the car.
- 37:49'Scuse me.
- 37:52Miss, 'scuse me.
- 37:55I'm very sorry. ..Can I help you?
- 37:58When will flight 475 from Malaga be arriving?I'll check.
- 38:04It should be landing in about ten minutes.Oh, good.
- 38:09In Manchester.
- 38:13I'm afraid it was rerouted.
- 38:21I've spent nigh on 200 quid!
- 38:23I'm sorry, but the airport's in chaos.
- 38:27She was lucky to take off.But...
- 38:30Information. Can I help you?
- 38:42The important thing is, she landed safely.Yes, in Manchester.
- 38:47So much for my surprise.
- 38:50Tonight has cost me 250 quid. I thought by now me and Cass would be in the honeymoon suite, having a...
- 38:59Having a look at her holiday snaps. Do you know how much this cost me?
- 39:04About £250. Nearly £250 it's cost ne!
- 39:10Michael, give us a non-alcoholic lager for the stud over there.
- 39:15He's like he's just been to a funeral.
- 39:19In a manner of speaking, he has. It's personal. I don't want to say any more.
- 39:26Rodney thought he'd be enjoying the fruits of love this evening, not a packet of pork scratchings.
- 39:35Can I have two glasses of your finest cognac for Raquel and moi?
- 39:40Celebrating something? You could say that.
- 39:44I've got 500 smackeroonies winging their way here, safe in Boycie's pocket.
- 39:50Boycie's handing over 500 notes? He had a whack on the head?
- 39:55It's wheels within wheels. Passeur pour la temp, as they say in Nice.
- 40:01There you go, my son. Keep the change, all right?Del...
- 40:05you're 40p short.That's all right. Put it in the charity box.
- 40:10Go on, Rodney.
- 40:13I had such high hopes for tonight.
- 40:16I thought you did by the way you walked in. Thank you for ordering champagne.
- 40:22That's all right. It was the best, I hope.Yes, £70-worth.There.
- 40:28Nothing but the best for Cassandra.
- 40:31Pity she's in Manchester.
- 40:33Yes, it is.She'll know you went to meet her. Her dad will tell her.
- 40:39Yeah. Yeah, I made the gesture, eh?
- 40:43You did. You'll thank me for this.
- 40:46Cassandra's up north.Yeah, I know.
- 40:49How do YOU know?She just phoned. Wanted you to know she's safe.
- 40:54Where did you say Rodney was? In some hotel.
- 41:00Did you say which hotel?
- 41:02I couldn't remember. I gave her the number.
- 41:06You told her I went to the airport?
- 41:09Course not. It's a surprise.
- 41:12BOTH TOGETHER: You dozy old git!
- 41:17She'll phone the hotel and find out I've booked the honeymoon suite!
- 41:22She'll think Rodney's with some tart!
- 41:26How are you gonna get out of this one?What?!
- 41:30YOU suggested booking the hotel room!
- 41:33It was YOUR hormones on turbo, not mine!
- 41:38Phone Alan. He's bound to speak to her soon. He can explain.Yeah.
- 41:43I'll go home and phone him.No need.
- 41:46Use my mobile. Second thoughts, go home.
- 41:50Give me a lift back.
- 41:52You coming? No, I've got to wait for my money.
- 41:57Talk of the devil.
- 42:00Boycie, don't hand the money over here in full view.
- 42:05Intensive care isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- 42:09No danger. I ain't handing you a penny.
- 42:13What are you talking about, Boycie? I got your statellite dish back.
- 42:18No, you didn't.
- 42:20My satellite dish is in my garden, picking up an episode of Wagon Train from Helsinki.
- 42:27You said it had been nicked! So I thought.
- 42:31However, I discovered that the engineers took it away for repair.
- 42:36Whose is that thing that I've got?
- 42:40I don't know, Del. To be honest, I couldn't give a monkey's toss.
- 42:51There's something wrong with it.
- 42:53Come on, Alan, answer. I can't find Bronco in your address book.
- 42:59He moved a little while ago.
- 43:02A lot of women in here.
- 43:04Yeah, business associates of mine.
- 43:07What are the stars by their names?
- 43:10I dunno. Can't remember.
- 43:13Let me have a look.
- 43:17Oh, he's not in. He's probably gone to pick up Cassandra.
- 43:22She'll tell him I'm with a woman. He'll fire me. She'll divorce me. It's your fault!
- 43:29Oh, shut up, you tart! I've got problems of me own.
- 43:34So have I. I just cannot get a picture.
- 43:38Stop messing about with that TV.
- 43:40I've got to find Bronco, to find out where he got that dish from.
- 43:46You said he gave you his card.I filed it behind Boycie's geraniums.
- 43:51If only the airport hadn't been in a mess. Cassandra would have landed.
- 43:56I bet it's air traffic controllers on strike in France.
- 44:01That's it! That's it, Rodney! That is it! That's where Bronco lives! France?
- 44:08No, Gatwick. A bed and breakfast hotel in Gatwick.
- 44:12What is it called?
- 44:15It was named after somebody famous.
- 44:18Well, that narrows it down(!) Uncle, pop into my room
- 44:22and get my 37 volumes of Famous People.
- 44:26Soon have this one sorted out.
- 44:28Don't you get sarky with me!
- 44:31It was named after a famous painter.
- 44:33Right, Bamber. That's your starter for ten. Away you go.All right.
- 44:39Famous painter. Michelangelo?
- 44:41No.Rembrandt?No.Picasso? No, no, no.
- 44:46Rubens, Van Gogh?No.
- 44:48Botticelli?No. Turner?No, no.
- 44:52It's a famous French painter. Why didn't you say?I just said so.
- 44:58Monet.No.Manet.No, she said that.
- 45:01No, she said Monet. I know. Pay attention.
- 45:06Adolf Hitler was a painter.
- 45:09How long has he been French?
- 45:12And who would call a hotel the Hotel Hitler?
- 45:17Famous French painter. Lautrec?
- 45:20No.Renoir?
- 45:22No, French.
- 45:25Degas, Baugin, Pissarro, Seurat,
- 45:28Tissot?No.
- 45:30Schubert? Schubert?!
- 45:33Schubert, you soppy old git!
- 45:36That's it! He's got it!
- 45:39The Hotel Schubert.
- 45:42Schubert?! Yes. Well done, Unc.
- 45:45All your GCEs, and it takes an old sea-dog to come up with the answer.
- 45:50Schubert weren't French!No?No!
- 45:53And he weren't a painter! Well, he should have been. Got it.
- 45:58Schubert was a German composer. Austrian.
- 46:02You mean you knew? You knew about Schubert?
- 46:06I'm trying to get on the blower.
- 46:09Hello. Good evening. Can I speak to Mr Lane, please? Thank you.
- 46:14Shall we just watch the ordinary telly?Let's have the news on.
- 46:19A report about the destruction of our planet would cheer me up.
- 46:25Bronco, hello! How are you? It's Del Boy.
- 46:29Listen, tell me something. I want to know.
- 46:33Where did you get that statellite dish from?
- 46:37Sorry? What are you apologising for?
- 46:41All right, you was desperate and had a funny turn.
- 46:46I can understand that. I've had Rodney living with us.
- 46:50You what? Course I know what it is. It's a statellite receiver dish.
- 46:56What do you mean, that's what you thought?
- 47:00Bronco, why are you crying?
- 47:05What is it, then?
- 47:07Where did you get it from?
- 47:11Oh, my God!
- 47:14Oh, hell's bloody bells!
- 47:16So, where did he get it from?
- 47:20He didn't say.Del... What?Come and have a look.
- 47:24What is it? Turn it up, turn it up.
- 47:27'The radar transmitter dish
- 47:30'was stolen from the end of Gatwick airport's main runway early yesterday morning.
- 47:37'The theft brought Gatwick to a standstill, caused chaos throughout Europe,
- 47:44'and left holidaymakers stranded.'
- 47:49You caused that!
- 47:51You brought Europe - a whole continent - to a standstill.
- 48:01I didn't mean to.
- 48:03That's why Cassandra's plane had to land in Manchester.
- 48:08That's why she's not in my honeymoon bed.
- 48:12That's why my marriage is over!
- 48:15Haven't you ever made a mistake? You thought it was a statellite dish and all.Don't include me.
- 48:22Look, I'll show you. It looks like one, dunnit? Look.
- 48:27There it is. I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
- 48:32PLANE ENGINE RUMBLES
- 48:54SWITCH IT OFF!!
- 49:18# No income tax, no VAT
- 49:20# No money back, no guarantee
- 49:23# Black or white, rich or poor
- 49:26# We'll drop prices at a stro-o-oke
- 49:31# God bless Hooky Street!
- 49:34# Viva Hooky Street!
- 49:37# Long live Hooky Street!
- 49:40# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!
- 49:44# Magnifique, Hooky Street! #
- 49:46Subtitles by Greig Forbes and John Macdonald, Subtext for BBC Subtitling, 1997