Only Fools and Horses S07E03 — Stage Fright

Every line from “Stage Fright” (520 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

Only Fools and Horses S07E03 meme — “# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any mo-o-ore!”

00:02# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# Cos if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions,
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
00:17# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing seasons And the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:42I don't believe it! When did this arrive?This morning.
00:46Why didn't you let me know sooner? You've been out. I thought you'd pop home for elevenses.I told you.
00:54Elevenses is for wimps! I'm out there on the yuppie tightrope! Nerves on red alert!
01:01I eat with a mobile phone in one hand, a Pot Noodle in the other.
01:07I tried the mobile phone.That's why his ear's full of noodles.Ohh! It's the boy from the black stuff!
01:15So I'm unemployed. Don't rub it in.
01:18This may be a watershed in my life. I could go on to better things.
01:24You broke up with your wife, left your lovely home,
01:28resigned from a highly-paid job, and pulled the chain on your career.
01:33What a springboard to the future!
01:36Something will turn up. That's what General Custer said. What turned up? More Indians!
01:43You should be giving him encouragement! I am! I'm worried about him!
01:50A few months ago, there he was - a glowing future. Look at him now!
01:55The only thing glowing is his liver!
01:58What about that golden handshake from your job?You may well ask!
02:03He kissed it goodbye! Blew it all on jubra libres and lairy suits!
02:09I don't believe this git! Lecturing me whilst holding a letter saying his case has been brought forward!
02:19Everyone goes to court once.ONCE ? You've got your own parking space!
02:25Don't change the subject! Del's trying to say, you've been living back at the flat.
02:32In the past, that was alright. But Raquel's pregnant.That's right. Look. It shows an' all, doesn't it?
02:41See that lump? That's my embryo!
02:49See, a few months from now there'll be no space in the flat. She's gonna be that big, is she?
02:57What I mean is, we're gonna need that room of yours for a nursery.
03:02Get a bachelor pad.He's waiting for the council to offer something.
03:07Oh, yeah? Well, we can have a combined party. Your housewarming and my son's 21st!
03:14For your information, the council phoned today with an offer of accommodation.Really?It's true!
03:21I was there!Terrific news! Well done!They offered me an LDA.
03:27LDA ? That can't be bad! I'm viewing it this afternoon.
03:32Well, if you want furniture, young Towser has a nice line in quality reject three-piece suites.
03:39Right. That could come in handy. Yeah.Del, can I ask you something? 'Course, you can!What's an LDA ?
03:47..I dunno.
03:49It's an abbreviation for something.I know it's an abbreviation! But for what?
03:56LDA... Maybe it stands for Luxury Detached Abode.Yes...
04:03It could. I doubt it, but it could.
04:06My round.No, I'd better go. I'm meeting the council mush in an hour.Good luck.Cheers.
04:14Want one, Albert?Yeah, alright.
04:18Del!
04:20Wotcha, Trig. Eh, Mike, could we have...?Hang on a minute, Del.Eh?
04:25So, eh, you thought of a name yet? It's too early.Best sort it out early. Saves rows later on.
04:33OK, Mike, could you get us... Hang on, Del. Hang on a minute.
04:38So how's this gonna affect your career, then?What career?I thought you was an actress and a singer.
04:45I think I'll put my career on hold for a while. Like, 15 years or so.
04:51You know that Down by the Riverside Club?Do THEY serve drinks (?)
04:57Mike, when you're ready! I've only got two hands!
05:01I remember when my wife told me she was 2 months pregnant.
05:06I was a waiter then.It's a moment you never forget!Yeah, I was just back from 3 months on a cruise ship.
05:14Oh... Sorry.No, it was a lovely cruise. Want to see the snaps?
05:20A mate of mine is singing there tonight.What?
05:25At the Down by the Riverside Club. Tony Angelino.Who?
05:31Tony Angelino. It's his stage name. Yeah. Sounds terrific, that, Trig.
05:37A few drinks, scampi in a basket and the singing road sweeper!
05:42He's not a road sweeper. He's on the dust.Oh, well, sorry!
05:47He sang there before, six years ago. Back by popular demand, is he?
05:53Yeah. He's gonna be a big star one day. Fancy coming down?No.
05:59What are YOU hoping for then, Del? Same again, when you're ready!
06:04I'm talking about the baby! Eh? Oh, the baby! It's a boy. How d'you know? Might be a girl.
06:12No, it's a boy.You can have a lovely wedding reception upstairs.
06:18Come on, let's sit down over there.
06:21Here, have you told your family? I wrote to my parents.I was thinking more about your husband.
06:29My solicitor's still trying to find him. We've been apart for 7 years. Divorce is no problem.Oh, right.
06:37Well, when that comes through... we'll get hitched.
06:41Sorry?We'll tie the knot.
06:44But I might not want to marry you. Eh? What do you mean? Don't be silly!I'm not being silly!
06:52You haven't even asked me!I know, but you're...! Where I come from, actions speak louder than words!
07:00Would you keep me in the style I'm accustomed to?'Course I would. Then there's no way I'll marry you.
07:07Come on, Raquel. We're gonna have a blinding future together! Are we?Yeah! I can see it now.
07:15Everything's falling into place. Lots of plans. In fact, I'm meeting a mate of mine in half an hour.
07:22Owns a dinner-dance club. I think he wants to buy those 300 packets of crisps I've got in the garage.
07:30MUSIC: "SLOW BOAT TO CHINA"
07:33He's playing our song. Badly.
07:39No, everything's going well. We're gonna have a lovely future.
07:44This time next year, I'll be a millionaire.OK, then. I accept. Good girl. You know it makes sense.
07:54Maybe tomorrow we could go out and buy an engagement ring. I can't tomorrow. I'm in court.
08:01#All to myself...!#
08:12Eric!
08:15How's it going, pal?Looks like Marley's ghost! Del Boy!
08:21You look prosperous.Can't complain. Well, I do, but no-one listens.
08:26I've heard good things about you, making your mark in the parish.
08:31I'm glad. I like people to do well.
08:35Last time I saw you, you was driving a shitty little 3-wheeled van.
08:45Yeah! Those were the days, eh?
08:48I've still got that van. Nostalgia. I only use it for business.
08:53What's the main motor now?
08:56Some sort of sports coupe? Something like that. How long is it since we last met? Five, six years?
09:04That long?
09:06After our little misunderstanding.
09:09I don't remember that.Yes, you do! You said I did you out of 500 quid.
09:15Well, you DID, didn't ya? Eh? No, no, I didn't! It was just a misunderstanding!
09:22Well, we'd best let sleeping dogs lie, eh, Del?Yeah, that's it. That's in the past, eh?
09:30Well, I must say, this is a very, very nice place.Yeah, doing a bit of business as well.
09:38Good! Glad to hear it. Anyway, what did you want to see me about?
09:43You left a message on my Ansaphone.
09:46I thought that was your uncle. Same thing.
09:50I could do a bit of this. Ahem... #We-ell-a, boy-oh, baby, boy-oh...
09:56#I...# I got a bit of a problem.
10:00What's that?The club's been booked for a birthday party.
10:04Cabaret. I booked a singing duo but they let me down at the last minute.
10:09I've phoned round the agents and that's what I've been offered.
10:17That's alright. Looks alright.
10:20No good. I need a singer. Someone who knows what they're doing.
10:25I heard you're living with some bird who used to do some singing.Raquel?
10:30She packed that in.Could she come out of retirement for one night?
10:36No, she's three months pregnant.
10:39It's hardly hod-carrying, Del.
10:42But she suffers from terrible nervous tension before she goes on. I can't put her through that.
10:50Too bad. I've got a contract here just waiting to be signed.
10:55Sorry, but Raquel's given up show business. It's HER life. I can't go against her wishes.
11:03I'd have made it worth her while. £600 for one night ain't bad going.
11:09She'll need a backing group.
11:14What d'you mean - you promised? He's a mate in trouble! I don't care! I'm not doing it!
11:21I promised!You had no right to! It's 300 quid!I don't care!
11:28But Eric's in dead lumber! He's been round all the agents. He showed me what he was offered.
11:37He was offered 12 strippers, 18 blue comedians, a dog act and Lionel Blair!
11:45What's wrong with that?Nothing. It's just that Eric wants YOU.
11:51But she's three months pregnant. I know that, but I ain't asking her to do any belly-dancing, am I ?
11:59Just some songs. Anyway, it doesn't show. Turn around, sweetheart. You see?
12:06You've got a beautiful voice and it should be shared with the world.
12:12I've never sung in a real club! What about that poster you've got?
12:18Top of the bill with Otis Redding at Talk of the Town, London.
12:24It was Laurie London at Talk of the Town, Reading.
12:30Same thing, innit?
12:32No, it is not! That was the one and only time I've ever appeared alone on stage. It was a nightmare!
12:40I even forgot the words! People cheered when they announced last orders!
12:47The only other times were with that magician, and in that duo, Double Cream. I don't mind that.
12:55There's someone there to support you.I'll get someone to sing with you.It's not that simple!
13:02You've got to get acquainted, rehearse, find out if we're at all compatible.We'll do all that!
13:10When's the show?Tomorrow night.
13:13TOMORROW NIGHT ? Impossible! But I've signed the contract!
13:19See? It guarantees that I'll supply a cabaret. It's legal and binding.
13:24The Trotter International Star Agency?Yeah. I diversified.
13:29Why did you sign a contract before you'd even spoken to me?Because I never thought you'd let me down!
13:37Rodney? Probably. Him? Like a shot! But you? Never!
13:43Still, never mind. It's the story of my life, really, innit, eh?
13:48My old man let me down when he walked out and left me to fend for myself. Then my mum died.
13:56It weren't her fault, but I felt that she had let me down.
14:02Funny, the things that go through your mind when you're 16 and alone.
14:07I think that's why I'm so straight and upfront with people. I'd hate to make them feel the way I did.
14:15It says here they're paying you SIX hundred quid.
14:21You mouthy git!You said 300 !
14:24I KNOW I said 300. And isn't it obvious why I said that?
14:30No.
14:33I said that because...because...
14:38because...
14:41I knew that if Raquel thought she was earning £600 for the show, it would make her even more nervous!
14:50So I decided to take the sting out, soften the edges...
14:54relieve the pressure by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.
15:02Thank you.
15:04So you'll do it, sweetheart? But who will I be singing with? Don't worry about that. Trust me.
15:11We'll go through my LPs and make a list of songs.Songs have got to have a musical arrangement!
15:19We'll need a pianist.No problem! Albert...Yes, Del?
15:24Go and fetch the Yellow Pages. We'll find a musician.
15:29Alright?I'll think about it, Del. Cushty!But no promises!
15:36Alright, sweetheart, no promises. But, in the meantime, why don't you have a little practice?
15:43Just in case, eh? Alright, just in case.Good girl.
15:48Anyone want a coffee?Yes, please. Me too, sweetheart. Thank you.
15:57She's gonna knock 'em bandy!
16:00#Do you know the way to San Jose?
16:03#I've been away so long...
16:06#I'm going home to San Jose...# She's got a voice like an angel, ain't she? Eh? Raquel!
16:13Sing up, darling! Don't be shy! #..In San Jose...
16:18#LA is a great big freeway!#
16:21SINGING CONTINUES Lovely jubbly!
16:25Ah! Rodney! Raquel's singing in the Starlight Rooms!Yeah? Her voice don't half travel!
16:36No, no, I mean... Forget it. What's up with you?
16:40I've been to the council's LDA accommodation. It doesn't stand for Luxury Detached Abode.
16:47No, I had a feeling.LDA stands for Low Demand Accommodation.
16:53What's that?It's a place where nobody else wants to live. What's it like?It's like this.
17:00You saucy git!
17:04#..and buy some piece of mind...# I'll have you know... Raquel! Turn the noise down, will ya?
17:13We can't hear ourselves think! Go on.
17:17You should've seen this place. It's like a time-share on Albert Square.
17:23Did you take it?Of course not!
17:26You'd better find somewhere. She'll soon be dropping a kiddie.I know.
17:32But the council's my only hope. I'm out of work. What can I do? I don't wish to sound brutal...
17:40but why don't you get another job?
17:48It's not THAT funny, Albert.
17:52With my history, the only job I could get is a window-cleaning round.I don't understand.
18:00You weren't sacked, you resigned. So where's the problem?
18:05It isn't that easy, Raquel... IS it, Derek?
18:09See, the only REAL job Rodney's had since he left school
18:14was the one with Cassandra's dad - the one he resigned from.
18:18But prior to that he was a partner in Trotters Independent Traders.
18:24Yes, he was. But, you see... Trotters Independent Traders was never exactly a pukka business.
18:31We never registered with Companies House. Kept down the paperwork. And income tax and VAT.
18:40He left school at 16 but the only job he ever had was when he was 26.
18:45His only entry on a government computer is for a suspended sentence for possession of cannabis.
18:54You don't fancy window-cleaning? No. I don't like heights. Can't you specialise in bungalows?
19:04Why don't you shut up, Albert?
19:07Alan's bound to give Rodney a glowing reference.
19:11I know that. We know that, sweetheart.
19:15But where's Rodney gonna say he's been for the other ten years? In the toilet?
19:22It's a great pity, Rodney, that you can't get a job doing something you like.
19:29Like, I don't know... Like music. 'Cos you're interested in music, aren't you?Yeah.
19:37Even if it was only sort of, you know - just a part-time job.
19:43Yeah, that'd do.Mm.
19:45I dunno, something like... a road manager or something.Where am I gonna get something like that?
19:53You never know your luck, Rodney.
20:07THROBBING MUSIC INSIDE
20:29WOMEN SQUEALING
20:33# I gave my heart to you!
20:38# How could you?
20:41# When you fell for someone else, babe...
20:47# My pain... #
20:49He's bloody good, eh?
20:52# Your hand... #
20:55Good? Del, he's bloody awful!
20:58You don't know what you're talking about, bruv!
21:02These old dears will be throwing their corsets on stage in a minute!
21:09# Ohh, fa-all in love...
21:14# I'm never gonna fa-a-a-all in LOVE...
21:22# Fall... Falling in LOVE...
21:32# A-a-a-ga-a-a-ain ! #
21:47They love him! Look! They love him!
21:50Thank you! Okay!
21:53For our next number - "Delilah"! SEXY GROWL
21:57Dave, a non-alcoholic lager top, and a special for me.
22:03If I can just get Raquel and Tony together, I'll be on a right winner!
22:09Del, she's pregnant!
22:11Only just a little bit.
22:14You're just exploiting her, ain't ya?No! Au contraire!
22:19Au contraire! She'll be earning out of this and earning well!
22:24We've all got to bring a little money in.
22:28Well, I reckon it's all wrong.
22:31It's nothing to do with you. You're just my road manager. I explained your duties to you!
22:39Drive them to rehearsal, make them some tea, and sweep up afterwards.
22:44Oh, and am I allowed any input on repertoire, presentation, arrangement, interpretation?
22:53..No!
22:56Right. Well, I will do exactly what you say and no bloody more. That's my last word on the subject.
23:04Good!
23:06# I'll see you... #
23:10Come on, he's so old-fashioned! Who's gonna pay to watch this? Well, THEY have, for a start!
23:18Rodney, you think popular music is all about the top ten!
23:2380% of the people in this country listen to what is known as "Middle of the Road" music.
23:31That means guff like this.
23:36You take that Roger Whittaker or that, eh...John Denver.
23:41They're never on Top of the Pops but they sell records! That is serious bunce!
23:47This is my chance to get where the action is!
23:52# ..for yo-o-ou! #
23:56Yes...! I can see it now!
24:01"Raquel and Tony"!
24:04They could be the new... the new Carpenters!
24:09Or plumbers or brickies.
24:12Sonny and Cher!Chas and Dave.
24:15Renee and Renato.
24:18Mills and Boon!
24:21Yeah! Yeah!
24:25Where's that contract? Where's that contract?
24:29I don't know if it's legal. I ain't trained in that sort of thing.
24:34That's alright. You got two GCE's. That is good enough for me.
24:39Look at that. Loads of forthwiths and hereafters. Lovely jubbly!
24:46Come on, Rodney! Let's go!
24:49# ..bust down the door!
24:52# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any mo-o-ore!
24:58# I said... Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any mo-o-ore!
25:05# Anymo-o-o-ore! Anymo-o-o-ore! Anymo-o-o-o-o-o-ore! #
25:10Thank you! Thank you very much! You've been a wonderful audience! Thank you!
25:18'Ladies and gentlemen - Tony Angelino!'
25:22SWOONING AND SCREAMING
25:32Huh!Del, he'll never sign that contract.He'll sign it, Rodney. Don't you worry. He'll sign it.
25:41Hey, it's Tony! Tony! Wonderful performance!Thanks!Excuse me...
25:47Would you mind? Would you please? Of course.Oh, thank you!
25:52Thanks very much.
25:56Easier than you thought, wasn't it?I don't believe you did that!
26:01He who dares, Rodney! He who dares! Come on.
26:06Tony! Excuse me, I've got a bit of business to discuss with you.
26:13Yeah?I've got some bookings for you, if you're interested.Yeah...? Come in here.
26:19Tony! Tony! Your autograph! Back in a minute, honey.
26:27Chicks! What is it - a hen party?
26:31No, it's the WI. Still, gotta keep them happy. Know what I mean?
26:37Well, my name is Derek Trotter of the Trotter International Stars Agency, Peckham.
26:46You can call me Del.
26:52And...this is my roadie, Rodney. What's this all about, Del?
26:57Well...I'm putting together a duo -
27:01you and a very talented singer, Raquel Turner. I've got a firm booking at the Starlight Rooms.
27:10With an option on a long-term...
27:14..long term contract if you're good enough.
27:21You're kidding! The Starlight, eh? I don't get many bookings.
27:29Really?
27:33Have you got a manager, Tony? Eh, no.
27:37Well, you have now, son. Me.
27:56It's amazing someone so talented hasn't been snapped up. Eh, Rodney? If he puts things down his...
28:04See? He's mystified!Has anyone told you anything about me?No.
28:09Is there something I should know? No, no...
28:13Here y'are. When is this booking, Del? Tomorrow night.What?It's alright.
28:20I know you and Raquel have a lot of work to do, but I've got faith in you! You're a pro and so is she!
28:29And I'm offering you £100 for tomorrow night.No!Yeah.
28:35The most I've ever been paid is 50 quid!Oh...
28:41You're in the big time now, ain't ya?Yes, well...
28:45I've booked a rehearsal room for tomorrow morning at the Jesse Jackson Memorial Hall,
28:52and I have a list of songs for you to rehearse.
28:56There's only a few songs I can sing.
28:59You see? That's why you don't get bookings! No, it's because I...Because what?
29:06Nothing.
29:07I know what your problem is, son. You can't accept a challenge.
29:14But you've got me behind you now.
29:17I'll be straight down the line with you. No secrets. No small print. All you gotta do is trust me, Tony.
29:25You DO trust me, Tony, don't you? ..Yeah, OK, Del!Good boy!
29:30So, will you be at the hall in the morning?No, he's in court tomorrow.
29:35Yes, I am. I'm there as a witness for...something.
29:40Oh. Do you want me to sign that? You've already signed it. Look.
29:47Lovely jubbly!
29:53I can't believe that was the same bloke.It's all costumes, props...
29:59They all wear them. You don't think Mr Spock's ears are his own, do ya?
30:04No. Come on, we'll tell Raquel.
30:07Raquel, sweetheart! Hello, darling!
30:11I found your singing partner. Oh, God!He's terrific, eh, Rodney?
30:15Yeah...
30:17You gotta see him to believe him!
30:20Yeah.
30:24He's got this great voice, wonderful stage presence, oodles and oodles of charisma...
30:32This boy's going to be a star! Where'd you learn about him? He works with Trig down the depot.
30:40Is that true?Well, yeah... Sean Connery! He worked on the dust!
30:47And is he like Sean Connery? Well, he wears a wig.
30:51I'll get a round. Rodney, give me a hand.
30:55Come on, you.Del Boy!Eh?
30:58Boycie.I hear you're in court.
31:02Yeah.It don't do much for your yuppie image. Dunno, it's very trendy.
31:08All the Big Bang boys did a bit of stir.Yeah, it's very fashionable.
31:13Computer fraud, insider dealing... What are you up for?Fly-pitching.
31:20£50 fine and a slap on the wrist. I hear Raquel's up the spout.
31:27Yes. Thank you, Boycie (!) Can we have a round of drinks, please? Crystal, give us a round here, love.
31:36It ain't easy being a father.Not for you, with all them test-tubes...
31:42I'm not talking about that! I mean, planning for your child's future! Have you thought about that?
31:50Don't worry about my kid.
31:53And the pregnancy itself can be pure hell. Knowing your missus, I believe it.
31:59I was lucky. Marlene gave birth after only eight months.Well, they say it's quicker by tube, eh?
32:13Yeah. Well, we've just been to hear Trigger's mate singing. Terrific, wasn't he, Rodney?Yeah...
32:22Perhaps Trig could recommend him to Eric!
32:27Eric at the Starlight Rooms? Yeah, the one who don't like you.
32:32That's all in the past.
32:34He holds a grudge. Anyway, he's got 24 hours to find a cabaret. He'll never do it. The word's out.
32:43He's got to do something. Eugene McCarthy's looking forward to it.
32:48Who's Eugene McCarthy? A local villain. Rumour has it the SAS pay him protection money.
32:56What does he have to do with this?
33:00Didn't you hear?What? Eugene owns the Starlight Rooms.
33:05No, no. Eric owns 'em, doesn't he? Eugene bought him out.
33:11There were no negotiations.
33:14Eugene gave Eric two choices: "Take it or I nail you to the door."
33:19Eric was dealing with a man who puts out death sentences on Muslims.
33:26He took it.
33:28Eugene's having a party at the Starlight tomorrow for his mum's 82nd birthday.
33:35No, no, no. It's Eric. Eric's down at the Starlight Rooms, isn't he?
33:40But he's only the manager now. And part of his duties is booking the cabaret.
33:47When Eugene didn't like an act, Eric got nailed to the nearest door.
33:53So Eric started using local entertainment agencies.
33:58If Eugene is displeased, he takes his wrath out on the agent.
34:03Anyway, the agents held a meeting at the local convalescence home,
34:08and they're boycotting the Starlight.
34:11So unless Eric finds a mug to supply the cabaret, B&Q will be selling another door.
34:27We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.Oh, yeah...? "We"?
34:32We signed a contract guaranteeing the cabaret.I've signed nothing! I sweep up and I make the tea.
34:41I've been thinking. You deserve to have a more creative input.
34:47I don't want a more creative input! Just give me the broom, the teapot and 50 quid and I'm happy!
34:55Thank you very much, Rodney (!) My pleasure, Derek!
35:00KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!Hi.Is Del here yet? No. I phoned the flat. No reply.
35:07Maybe he's still in court. At 9pm?Maybe the jury's still out.
35:12He's only charged with unlicensed trading!Well, he ain't here.
35:18I can't go through with this. Why not?What d'you mean - why not?
35:23You were at rehearsals! You know what happened! Tony has a problem!
35:28They might not notice. How can they not notice? You've got to do it for Del's sake.
35:35Eugene McCarthy's out there with his mum!Who's Eugene McCarthy? He's not nice people.
35:42Well, you go tell him the cabaret is off.Me? I'm just the roadie! I sweep up and make the tea.
35:50Fancy a cup of tea?No, I don't. Want anything swept up?No! That's me finished, then.
36:11Gordon Bennett!
36:13Where the bloody hell have you been?They put my case on last!
36:19A 65 quid fine and I'd left my wallet at home!Del...
36:24So I phoned up Sinbad, and he only gets on the bleeding bus! Del...I'm banged up in a cell...
36:31and he's stuck in rush hour on a bloody bus!Del...So I... Would you shut up for one minute !?
36:39We have got problems.Problems? Del Boy...
36:45Oh! Hello, Eugene! How very, very nice to see you!
36:49Eric informs me you're supplying the cabaret. I hope it's good, Del. I don't want my mum disappointed.
36:57Oh, no, of course not, Eugene. Nothing but the very best.
37:03Would I do anything less? Oh, this is my... I'm just a roadie.
37:09I just make tea and sweep up.
37:13Well... Here's to a good evening. Yeah! Eugene, you just enjoy yourself. Sit back and enjoy, eh?
37:20'Attention, please.'
37:23Welcome to the cabaret hour! Lovely...
37:31But first, let's say happy birthday to Mrs McCarthy, Eugene's mum. Happy Birthday, Lil!
37:38# Happy Birthday to you! # OTHERS STOP SINGING AND APPLAUD #Happy birth...#
37:49We have two young stars who may not be familiar to you. But if you lived in a certain town in Nevada, USA,
37:57their names would be on the tips of your tongues.
38:01They've just finished a sell-out season with Barry Manilow
38:06at the Desert Inn, Las Vegas! How about that? Eh? APPLAUSE
38:13Where'd he get all that crap from?
38:17What a stupid question.
38:20We're proud that they've come to the Starlight Rooms!
38:28So, ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome, please,
38:32for Raquel and Tony!
38:50#I was alright for a while,
38:55#I could smile for a while.
38:59#But when I saw you last night
39:02#You held my hand so tight, As you stopped to say hello.
39:09#And though you wished me well You couldn't tell
39:16#That I'd been cry-y-ing over you.
39:22#Cry-y-ying over you
39:26#And you said "so long"
39:30#Left me standing
39:33#All alone Alone and crying
39:39#Crying... Crying...
39:43#Cry-y-ying...#
39:45She's bloody good, ain't she, Rodney, eh?Cosmic.
39:50#But the touch of your hand
39:54#Can start me crying.
39:59# I thought that I
40:02# Was over you
40:05# But tell me now WHAT...can I do?
40:09# I love you even more Than I did before
40:14# But, darling, what can I do-o-o-o?
40:19# You DON'T love me
40:23# And I'll ALWAYS be...
40:29# Cwy-y-y-ing !
40:34# Cwy-y-y-ying!
40:40# Now you are gone. And fwom this moment on.
40:48# I'll be cwying.Crying.
40:50# Cwying.Crying.
40:53# Cwying.Cw... Crying! Cwy-y-ying!
40:58#Crying!Cwying!
41:06# O-o-o-over yo-o-o-o-ou ! #
41:32What d'you reckon?
41:37I'll see you later.
41:48How come you didn't know he had trouble with his R's?
41:54He never told me! He just said he only sang certain songs. He meant songs without R's in 'em!
42:01So he chose the songs for tonight?
42:05Well... I didn't know! Gawd knows what Eugene's mum thought. I never did like that front door anyway.
42:18You bastard! You just walked out and left us!
42:22What else could I do? Go to Eugene and say, "That was different, eh?"
42:27Did you finish the performance? Oh, yes, Derek. To the death.
42:32"Please Welease Me."
42:36"Congwatulations!"
42:39And "The Gween, Gween Gwass of Home"!
42:45And that was followed by a medley of Wock 'n' Woll!
42:56That's not funny, Wodney - Rodney!
42:59I haven't laughed so much since he caught his beard in the food mixer!
43:04DOORBELL If that's Eugene, tell him...I've gone out for a hammer and nails!
43:12Who's there? Can I see Mr Twotter?It's Tony.
43:21I've come for my money.
43:24Not now. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.
43:28No, not tomowwow. I want it now. I did the performance, didn't I ?
43:34I did the wepertoire that YOU insisted on.I didn't know you can't say your R's!That doesn't matter!
43:42It does if you sing songs with R's!
43:45Well, I DON'T sing songs with R's! If it has an R, I change the lywics. Why didn't you change them tonight?
43:53How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"? It's the bloody title!
44:00We did everything you asked, Del. Pay him. And you owe me money too.
44:06We'll talk about it later. You're not cheating me!
44:11Crudite a la plate !!
44:14It's alright for ME to be cheated, though, innit?Who's cheated YOU ?
44:20..HIM !
44:24He charged me £1.40 for bus fares!
44:27It was only later when I realised that he's got a bus pass!
44:33And, anyway, I don't suppose the Starlight's going to pay me after tonight's disaster!
44:41We signed a contwact.I know, but my brother drew up that contract.
44:46And he put in a get-out clause, didn't you, Rodney?
44:51No.Eh? Why didn't you? 'Cos you didn't tell me to!
44:57I ain't a lawyer! I sweep up and make tea! And you owe me 50 quid!
45:02Yeah, but...
45:05Oh, alright, alright... Et tu, Brute!
45:09There you are! And yours!
45:13Hm.We'll talk about this tomorrow! Alright, Rodney.
45:18You know what you've got, don't you, Dewek?What?An "ism"!
45:23"Ism"? Have I got an ism, Rodney? Well, there's a lot of crap in the garage.
45:29You're not alone in your pwejudice! We've got sexism, wacism, heightism and ageism.
45:36Well, I... I'm a victim of pwonunciationism!
45:42I've got a good voice! A good style! I've got perfect tone!
45:47But just because I pwonounce R's diffewently from the west of you...
45:54I can never be a star. Because of my pwonunciation, you've dumped me!
45:59What about ME, lumbered with a star supplied by Lilley and Skinners, Crown Toppers and Mattessons !?
46:10You can always find another singer.
46:13But no-one who pwonounces R's like I do has become successful.
46:19Roy Jenkins? Jonathan Ross?
46:22Exactly!
46:26Oh, it doesn't matter.
46:31See you, Del.Yeah. Mind how you go, son.
46:35Waquel.
46:37Bye, Tony.
46:39Wodney.
46:41See you, Ton.
46:54Well, don't look at me like that! I didn't invent pronunciationism!
47:01If I had my way, everyone would be allowed to speak any way they want to.
47:08Del's right. It ain't his fault. Thank you, Unc. Have a brandy.
47:13PHONE RINGS
47:18Hello, Trotters Independent...
47:21Oh, hello, Eugene!
47:23Yeah, you discovered that, then, did ya?
47:28I was just discussing that very thing with my road manager here...
47:33You what?
47:36Oh, did she?
47:38I can't say that I blame her. How is she now?
47:44Oh. Good!
47:46You what?
47:49Yeah... Alright, then, Eugene. I'll be round first thing in the morning. Yeah...
47:56Bonjour.
48:00Want to hide a pair of pliers in your pocket?
48:05No, he wants to sign you and Tony up for a 5-week contract.
48:11His mum liked you.You're kidding!
48:15It was the funniest thing she's ever seen.
48:21Tony! Tony! Where'd he go?
48:24Tony! Hey! Just a minute! I've got some more bookings for you!
48:29Stick with me, son - I'll make you WICH !
48:39# We got some half-price cracked ice Miles and miles of carpet tiles
48:42# TVs, deepfreeze, David Bowie LPs Ballgames, gold chains What's-its-names and, at a push,
48:48# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
48:54# No income tax, no VAT
48:57# No money back, no guarantee
49:01# Black or white, rich or poor
49:04# We'll cut prices at a stro-oke!
49:08# God bless Hookey Street
49:12# Viva Hookey Street
49:14# Long live Hookey Street
49:17# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
49:20# Magnifique, Hookey Street
49:25# Hookey Street... #
49:27Subtitles by Anne Morgan BBC Scotland 1991