Only Fools and Horses S07E03 — Stage Fright

Every line from “Stage Fright” (520 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:02# Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10# Cos if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions,
00:14# Then, brother, I'm your man
00:17# Cos where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21# It's like the changing seasons And the tides of the sea
00:25# But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29# Why do only fools and horses work? #
00:42I don't believe it! When did this arrive?This morning.
00:46Why didn't you let me know sooner? You've been out. I thought you'd pop home for elevenses.I told you.
00:54Elevenses is for wimps! I'm out there on the yuppie tightrope! Nerves on red alert!
01:01I eat with a mobile phone in one hand, a Pot Noodle in the other.
01:07I tried the mobile phone.That's why his ear's full of noodles.Ohh! It's the boy from the black stuff!
01:15So I'm unemployed. Don't rub it in.
01:18This may be a watershed in my life. I could go on to better things.
01:24You broke up with your wife, left your lovely home,
01:28resigned from a highly-paid job, and pulled the chain on your career.
01:33What a springboard to the future!
01:36Something will turn up. That's what General Custer said. What turned up? More Indians!
01:43You should be giving him encouragement! I am! I'm worried about him!
01:50A few months ago, there he was - a glowing future. Look at him now!
01:55The only thing glowing is his liver!
01:58What about that golden handshake from your job?You may well ask!
02:03He kissed it goodbye! Blew it all on jubra libres and lairy suits!
02:09I don't believe this git! Lecturing me whilst holding a letter saying his case has been brought forward!
02:19Everyone goes to court once.ONCE ? You've got your own parking space!
02:25Don't change the subject! Del's trying to say, you've been living back at the flat.
02:32In the past, that was alright. But Raquel's pregnant.That's right. Look. It shows an' all, doesn't it?
02:41See that lump? That's my embryo!
02:49See, a few months from now there'll be no space in the flat. She's gonna be that big, is she?
02:57What I mean is, we're gonna need that room of yours for a nursery.
03:02Get a bachelor pad.He's waiting for the council to offer something.
03:07Oh, yeah? Well, we can have a combined party. Your housewarming and my son's 21st!
03:14For your information, the council phoned today with an offer of accommodation.Really?It's true!
03:21I was there!Terrific news! Well done!They offered me an LDA.
03:27LDA ? That can't be bad! I'm viewing it this afternoon.
03:32Well, if you want furniture, young Towser has a nice line in quality reject three-piece suites.
03:39Right. That could come in handy. Yeah.Del, can I ask you something? 'Course, you can!What's an LDA ?
03:47..I dunno.
03:49It's an abbreviation for something.I know it's an abbreviation! But for what?
03:56LDA... Maybe it stands for Luxury Detached Abode.Yes...
04:03It could. I doubt it, but it could.
04:06My round.No, I'd better go. I'm meeting the council mush in an hour.Good luck.Cheers.
04:14Want one, Albert?Yeah, alright.
04:18Del!
04:20Wotcha, Trig. Eh, Mike, could we have...?Hang on a minute, Del.Eh?
04:25So, eh, you thought of a name yet? It's too early.Best sort it out early. Saves rows later on.
04:33OK, Mike, could you get us... Hang on, Del. Hang on a minute.
04:38So how's this gonna affect your career, then?What career?I thought you was an actress and a singer.
04:45I think I'll put my career on hold for a while. Like, 15 years or so.
04:51You know that Down by the Riverside Club?Do THEY serve drinks (?)
04:57Mike, when you're ready! I've only got two hands!
05:01I remember when my wife told me she was 2 months pregnant.
05:06I was a waiter then.It's a moment you never forget!Yeah, I was just back from 3 months on a cruise ship.
05:14Oh... Sorry.No, it was a lovely cruise. Want to see the snaps?
05:20A mate of mine is singing there tonight.What?
05:25At the Down by the Riverside Club. Tony Angelino.Who?
05:31Tony Angelino. It's his stage name. Yeah. Sounds terrific, that, Trig.
05:37A few drinks, scampi in a basket and the singing road sweeper!
05:42He's not a road sweeper. He's on the dust.Oh, well, sorry!
05:47He sang there before, six years ago. Back by popular demand, is he?
05:53Yeah. He's gonna be a big star one day. Fancy coming down?No.
05:59What are YOU hoping for then, Del? Same again, when you're ready!
06:04I'm talking about the baby! Eh? Oh, the baby! It's a boy. How d'you know? Might be a girl.
06:12No, it's a boy.You can have a lovely wedding reception upstairs.
06:18Come on, let's sit down over there.
06:21Here, have you told your family? I wrote to my parents.I was thinking more about your husband.
06:29My solicitor's still trying to find him. We've been apart for 7 years. Divorce is no problem.Oh, right.
06:37Well, when that comes through... we'll get hitched.
06:41Sorry?We'll tie the knot.
06:44But I might not want to marry you. Eh? What do you mean? Don't be silly!I'm not being silly!
06:52You haven't even asked me!I know, but you're...! Where I come from, actions speak louder than words!
07:00Would you keep me in the style I'm accustomed to?'Course I would. Then there's no way I'll marry you.
07:07Come on, Raquel. We're gonna have a blinding future together! Are we?Yeah! I can see it now.
07:15Everything's falling into place. Lots of plans. In fact, I'm meeting a mate of mine in half an hour.
07:22Owns a dinner-dance club. I think he wants to buy those 300 packets of crisps I've got in the garage.
07:30MUSIC: "SLOW BOAT TO CHINA"
07:33He's playing our song. Badly.
07:39No, everything's going well. We're gonna have a lovely future.
07:44This time next year, I'll be a millionaire.OK, then. I accept. Good girl. You know it makes sense.
07:54Maybe tomorrow we could go out and buy an engagement ring. I can't tomorrow. I'm in court.
08:01#All to myself...!#
08:12Eric!
08:15How's it going, pal?Looks like Marley's ghost! Del Boy!
08:21You look prosperous.Can't complain. Well, I do, but no-one listens.
08:26I've heard good things about you, making your mark in the parish.
08:31I'm glad. I like people to do well.
08:35Last time I saw you, you was driving a shitty little 3-wheeled van.
08:45Yeah! Those were the days, eh?
08:48I've still got that van. Nostalgia. I only use it for business.
08:53What's the main motor now?
08:56Some sort of sports coupe? Something like that. How long is it since we last met? Five, six years?
09:04That long?
09:06After our little misunderstanding.
09:09I don't remember that.Yes, you do! You said I did you out of 500 quid.
09:15Well, you DID, didn't ya? Eh? No, no, I didn't! It was just a misunderstanding!
09:22Well, we'd best let sleeping dogs lie, eh, Del?Yeah, that's it. That's in the past, eh?
09:30Well, I must say, this is a very, very nice place.Yeah, doing a bit of business as well.
09:38Good! Glad to hear it. Anyway, what did you want to see me about?
09:43You left a message on my Ansaphone.
09:46I thought that was your uncle. Same thing.
09:50I could do a bit of this. Ahem... #We-ell-a, boy-oh, baby, boy-oh...
09:56#I...# I got a bit of a problem.
10:00What's that?The club's been booked for a birthday party.
10:04Cabaret. I booked a singing duo but they let me down at the last minute.
10:09I've phoned round the agents and that's what I've been offered.
10:17That's alright. Looks alright.
10:20No good. I need a singer. Someone who knows what they're doing.
10:25I heard you're living with some bird who used to do some singing.Raquel?
10:30She packed that in.Could she come out of retirement for one night?
10:36No, she's three months pregnant.
10:39It's hardly hod-carrying, Del.
10:42But she suffers from terrible nervous tension before she goes on. I can't put her through that.
10:50Too bad. I've got a contract here just waiting to be signed.
10:55Sorry, but Raquel's given up show business. It's HER life. I can't go against her wishes.
11:03I'd have made it worth her while. £600 for one night ain't bad going.
11:09She'll need a backing group.
11:14What d'you mean - you promised? He's a mate in trouble! I don't care! I'm not doing it!
11:21I promised!You had no right to! It's 300 quid!I don't care!
11:28But Eric's in dead lumber! He's been round all the agents. He showed me what he was offered.
11:37He was offered 12 strippers, 18 blue comedians, a dog act and Lionel Blair!
11:45What's wrong with that?Nothing. It's just that Eric wants YOU.
11:51But she's three months pregnant. I know that, but I ain't asking her to do any belly-dancing, am I ?
11:59Just some songs. Anyway, it doesn't show. Turn around, sweetheart. You see?
12:06You've got a beautiful voice and it should be shared with the world.
12:12I've never sung in a real club! What about that poster you've got?
12:18Top of the bill with Otis Redding at Talk of the Town, London.
12:24It was Laurie London at Talk of the Town, Reading.
12:30Same thing, innit?
12:32No, it is not! That was the one and only time I've ever appeared alone on stage. It was a nightmare!
12:40I even forgot the words! People cheered when they announced last orders!
12:47The only other times were with that magician, and in that duo, Double Cream. I don't mind that.
12:55There's someone there to support you.I'll get someone to sing with you.It's not that simple!
13:02You've got to get acquainted, rehearse, find out if we're at all compatible.We'll do all that!
13:10When's the show?Tomorrow night.
13:13TOMORROW NIGHT ? Impossible! But I've signed the contract!
13:19See? It guarantees that I'll supply a cabaret. It's legal and binding.
13:24The Trotter International Star Agency?Yeah. I diversified.
13:29Why did you sign a contract before you'd even spoken to me?Because I never thought you'd let me down!
13:37Rodney? Probably. Him? Like a shot! But you? Never!
13:43Still, never mind. It's the story of my life, really, innit, eh?
13:48My old man let me down when he walked out and left me to fend for myself. Then my mum died.
13:56It weren't her fault, but I felt that she had let me down.
14:02Funny, the things that go through your mind when you're 16 and alone.
14:07I think that's why I'm so straight and upfront with people. I'd hate to make them feel the way I did.
14:15It says here they're paying you SIX hundred quid.
14:21You mouthy git!You said 300 !
14:24I KNOW I said 300. And isn't it obvious why I said that?
14:30No.
14:33I said that because...because...
14:38because...
14:41I knew that if Raquel thought she was earning £600 for the show, it would make her even more nervous!
14:50So I decided to take the sting out, soften the edges...
14:54relieve the pressure by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.
15:02Thank you.
15:04So you'll do it, sweetheart? But who will I be singing with? Don't worry about that. Trust me.
15:11We'll go through my LPs and make a list of songs.Songs have got to have a musical arrangement!
15:19We'll need a pianist.No problem! Albert...Yes, Del?
15:24Go and fetch the Yellow Pages. We'll find a musician.
15:29Alright?I'll think about it, Del. Cushty!But no promises!
15:36Alright, sweetheart, no promises. But, in the meantime, why don't you have a little practice?
15:43Just in case, eh? Alright, just in case.Good girl.
15:48Anyone want a coffee?Yes, please. Me too, sweetheart. Thank you.
15:57She's gonna knock 'em bandy!
16:00#Do you know the way to San Jose?
16:03#I've been away so long...
16:06#I'm going home to San Jose...# She's got a voice like an angel, ain't she? Eh? Raquel!
16:13Sing up, darling! Don't be shy! #..In San Jose...
16:18#LA is a great big freeway!#
16:21SINGING CONTINUES Lovely jubbly!
16:25Ah! Rodney! Raquel's singing in the Starlight Rooms!Yeah? Her voice don't half travel!
16:36No, no, I mean... Forget it. What's up with you?
16:40I've been to the council's LDA accommodation. It doesn't stand for Luxury Detached Abode.
16:47No, I had a feeling.LDA stands for Low Demand Accommodation.
16:53What's that?It's a place where nobody else wants to live. What's it like?It's like this.
17:00You saucy git!
17:04#..and buy some piece of mind...# I'll have you know... Raquel! Turn the noise down, will ya?
17:13We can't hear ourselves think! Go on.
17:17You should've seen this place. It's like a time-share on Albert Square.
17:23Did you take it?Of course not!
17:26You'd better find somewhere. She'll soon be dropping a kiddie.I know.
17:32But the council's my only hope. I'm out of work. What can I do? I don't wish to sound brutal...
17:40but why don't you get another job?
17:48It's not THAT funny, Albert.
17:52With my history, the only job I could get is a window-cleaning round.I don't understand.
18:00You weren't sacked, you resigned. So where's the problem?
18:05It isn't that easy, Raquel... IS it, Derek?
18:09See, the only REAL job Rodney's had since he left school
18:14was the one with Cassandra's dad - the one he resigned from.
18:18But prior to that he was a partner in Trotters Independent Traders.
18:24Yes, he was. But, you see... Trotters Independent Traders was never exactly a pukka business.
18:31We never registered with Companies House. Kept down the paperwork. And income tax and VAT.
18:40He left school at 16 but the only job he ever had was when he was 26.
18:45His only entry on a government computer is for a suspended sentence for possession of cannabis.
18:54You don't fancy window-cleaning? No. I don't like heights. Can't you specialise in bungalows?
19:04Why don't you shut up, Albert?
19:07Alan's bound to give Rodney a glowing reference.
19:11I know that. We know that, sweetheart.
19:15But where's Rodney gonna say he's been for the other ten years? In the toilet?
19:22It's a great pity, Rodney, that you can't get a job doing something you like.
19:29Like, I don't know... Like music. 'Cos you're interested in music, aren't you?Yeah.
19:37Even if it was only sort of, you know - just a part-time job.
19:43Yeah, that'd do.Mm.
19:45I dunno, something like... a road manager or something.Where am I gonna get something like that?
19:53You never know your luck, Rodney.
20:07THROBBING MUSIC INSIDE
20:29WOMEN SQUEALING
20:33# I gave my heart to you!
20:38# How could you?
20:41# When you fell for someone else, babe...
20:47# My pain... #
20:49He's bloody good, eh?
20:52# Your hand... #
20:55Good? Del, he's bloody awful!
20:58You don't know what you're talking about, bruv!
21:02These old dears will be throwing their corsets on stage in a minute!
21:09# Ohh, fa-all in love...
21:14# I'm never gonna fa-a-a-all in LOVE...
21:22# Fall... Falling in LOVE...
21:32# A-a-a-ga-a-a-ain ! #
21:47They love him! Look! They love him!
21:50Thank you! Okay!
21:53For our next number - "Delilah"! SEXY GROWL
21:57Dave, a non-alcoholic lager top, and a special for me.
22:03If I can just get Raquel and Tony together, I'll be on a right winner!
22:09Del, she's pregnant!
22:11Only just a little bit.
22:14You're just exploiting her, ain't ya?No! Au contraire!
22:19Au contraire! She'll be earning out of this and earning well!
22:24We've all got to bring a little money in.
22:28Well, I reckon it's all wrong.
22:31It's nothing to do with you. You're just my road manager. I explained your duties to you!
22:39Drive them to rehearsal, make them some tea, and sweep up afterwards.
22:44Oh, and am I allowed any input on repertoire, presentation, arrangement, interpretation?
22:53..No!
22:56Right. Well, I will do exactly what you say and no bloody more. That's my last word on the subject.
23:04Good!
23:06# I'll see you... #
23:10Come on, he's so old-fashioned! Who's gonna pay to watch this? Well, THEY have, for a start!
23:18Rodney, you think popular music is all about the top ten!
23:2380% of the people in this country listen to what is known as "Middle of the Road" music.
23:31That means guff like this.
23:36You take that Roger Whittaker or that, eh...John Denver.
23:41They're never on Top of the Pops but they sell records! That is serious bunce!
23:47This is my chance to get where the action is!
23:52# ..for yo-o-ou! #
23:56Yes...! I can see it now!
24:01"Raquel and Tony"!
24:04They could be the new... the new Carpenters!
24:09Or plumbers or brickies.
24:12Sonny and Cher!Chas and Dave.
24:15Renee and Renato.
24:18Mills and Boon!
24:21Yeah! Yeah!
24:25Where's that contract? Where's that contract?
24:29I don't know if it's legal. I ain't trained in that sort of thing.
24:34That's alright. You got two GCE's. That is good enough for me.
24:39Look at that. Loads of forthwiths and hereafters. Lovely jubbly!
24:46Come on, Rodney! Let's go!
24:49# ..bust down the door!
24:52# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any mo-o-ore!
24:58# I said... Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any mo-o-ore!
25:05# Anymo-o-o-ore! Anymo-o-o-ore! Anymo-o-o-o-o-o-ore! #
25:10Thank you! Thank you very much! You've been a wonderful audience! Thank you!
25:18'Ladies and gentlemen - Tony Angelino!'
25:22SWOONING AND SCREAMING
25:32Huh!Del, he'll never sign that contract.He'll sign it, Rodney. Don't you worry. He'll sign it.
25:41Hey, it's Tony! Tony! Wonderful performance!Thanks!Excuse me...
25:47Would you mind? Would you please? Of course.Oh, thank you!
25:52Thanks very much.
25:56Easier than you thought, wasn't it?I don't believe you did that!
26:01He who dares, Rodney! He who dares! Come on.
26:06Tony! Excuse me, I've got a bit of business to discuss with you.
26:13Yeah?I've got some bookings for you, if you're interested.Yeah...? Come in here.
26:19Tony! Tony! Your autograph! Back in a minute, honey.
26:27Chicks! What is it - a hen party?
26:31No, it's the WI. Still, gotta keep them happy. Know what I mean?
26:37Well, my name is Derek Trotter of the Trotter International Stars Agency, Peckham.
26:46You can call me Del.
26:52And...this is my roadie, Rodney. What's this all about, Del?
26:57Well...I'm putting together a duo -
27:01you and a very talented singer, Raquel Turner. I've got a firm booking at the Starlight Rooms.
27:10With an option on a long-term...
27:14..long term contract if you're good enough.
27:21You're kidding! The Starlight, eh? I don't get many bookings.
27:29Really?
27:33Have you got a manager, Tony? Eh, no.
27:37Well, you have now, son. Me.
27:56It's amazing someone so talented hasn't been snapped up. Eh, Rodney? If he puts things down his...
28:04See? He's mystified!Has anyone told you anything about me?No.
28:09Is there something I should know? No, no...
28:13Here y'are. When is this booking, Del? Tomorrow night.What?It's alright.
28:20I know you and Raquel have a lot of work to do, but I've got faith in you! You're a pro and so is she!
28:29And I'm offering you £100 for tomorrow night.No!Yeah.
28:35The most I've ever been paid is 50 quid!Oh...
28:41You're in the big time now, ain't ya?Yes, well...
28:45I've booked a rehearsal room for tomorrow morning at the Jesse Jackson Memorial Hall,
28:52and I have a list of songs for you to rehearse.
28:56There's only a few songs I can sing.
28:59You see? That's why you don't get bookings! No, it's because I...Because what?
29:06Nothing.
29:07I know what your problem is, son. You can't accept a challenge.
29:14But you've got me behind you now.
29:17I'll be straight down the line with you. No secrets. No small print. All you gotta do is trust me, Tony.
29:25You DO trust me, Tony, don't you? ..Yeah, OK, Del!Good boy!
29:30So, will you be at the hall in the morning?No, he's in court tomorrow.
29:35Yes, I am. I'm there as a witness for...something.
29:40Oh. Do you want me to sign that? You've already signed it. Look.
29:47Lovely jubbly!
29:53I can't believe that was the same bloke.It's all costumes, props...
29:59They all wear them. You don't think Mr Spock's ears are his own, do ya?
30:04No. Come on, we'll tell Raquel.
30:07Raquel, sweetheart! Hello, darling!
30:11I found your singing partner. Oh, God!He's terrific, eh, Rodney?
30:15Yeah...
30:17You gotta see him to believe him!
30:20Yeah.
30:24He's got this great voice, wonderful stage presence, oodles and oodles of charisma...
30:32This boy's going to be a star! Where'd you learn about him? He works with Trig down the depot.
30:40Is that true?Well, yeah... Sean Connery! He worked on the dust!
30:47And is he like Sean Connery? Well, he wears a wig.
30:51I'll get a round. Rodney, give me a hand.
30:55Come on, you.Del Boy!Eh?
30:58Boycie.I hear you're in court.
31:02Yeah.It don't do much for your yuppie image. Dunno, it's very trendy.
31:08All the Big Bang boys did a bit of stir.Yeah, it's very fashionable.
31:13Computer fraud, insider dealing... What are you up for?Fly-pitching.
31:20£50 fine and a slap on the wrist. I hear Raquel's up the spout.
31:27Yes. Thank you, Boycie (!) Can we have a round of drinks, please? Crystal, give us a round here, love.
31:36It ain't easy being a father.Not for you, with all them test-tubes...
31:42I'm not talking about that! I mean, planning for your child's future! Have you thought about that?
31:50Don't worry about my kid.
31:53And the pregnancy itself can be pure hell. Knowing your missus, I believe it.
31:59I was lucky. Marlene gave birth after only eight months.Well, they say it's quicker by tube, eh?
32:13Yeah. Well, we've just been to hear Trigger's mate singing. Terrific, wasn't he, Rodney?Yeah...
32:22Perhaps Trig could recommend him to Eric!
32:27Eric at the Starlight Rooms? Yeah, the one who don't like you.
32:32That's all in the past.
32:34He holds a grudge. Anyway, he's got 24 hours to find a cabaret. He'll never do it. The word's out.
32:43He's got to do something. Eugene McCarthy's looking forward to it.
32:48Who's Eugene McCarthy? A local villain. Rumour has it the SAS pay him protection money.
32:56What does he have to do with this?
33:00Didn't you hear?What? Eugene owns the Starlight Rooms.
33:05No, no. Eric owns 'em, doesn't he? Eugene bought him out.
33:11There were no negotiations.
33:14Eugene gave Eric two choices: "Take it or I nail you to the door."
33:19Eric was dealing with a man who puts out death sentences on Muslims.
33:26He took it.
33:28Eugene's having a party at the Starlight tomorrow for his mum's 82nd birthday.
33:35No, no, no. It's Eric. Eric's down at the Starlight Rooms, isn't he?
33:40But he's only the manager now. And part of his duties is booking the cabaret.
33:47When Eugene didn't like an act, Eric got nailed to the nearest door.
33:53So Eric started using local entertainment agencies.
33:58If Eugene is displeased, he takes his wrath out on the agent.
34:03Anyway, the agents held a meeting at the local convalescence home,
34:08and they're boycotting the Starlight.
34:11So unless Eric finds a mug to supply the cabaret, B&Q will be selling another door.
34:27We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.Oh, yeah...? "We"?
34:32We signed a contract guaranteeing the cabaret.I've signed nothing! I sweep up and I make the tea.
34:41I've been thinking. You deserve to have a more creative input.
34:47I don't want a more creative input! Just give me the broom, the teapot and 50 quid and I'm happy!
34:55Thank you very much, Rodney (!) My pleasure, Derek!
35:00KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!Hi.Is Del here yet? No. I phoned the flat. No reply.
35:07Maybe he's still in court. At 9pm?Maybe the jury's still out.
35:12He's only charged with unlicensed trading!Well, he ain't here.
35:18I can't go through with this. Why not?What d'you mean - why not?
35:23You were at rehearsals! You know what happened! Tony has a problem!
35:28They might not notice. How can they not notice? You've got to do it for Del's sake.
35:35Eugene McCarthy's out there with his mum!Who's Eugene McCarthy? He's not nice people.
35:42Well, you go tell him the cabaret is off.Me? I'm just the roadie! I sweep up and make the tea.
35:50Fancy a cup of tea?No, I don't. Want anything swept up?No! That's me finished, then.
36:11Gordon Bennett!
36:13Where the bloody hell have you been?They put my case on last!
36:19A 65 quid fine and I'd left my wallet at home!Del...
36:24So I phoned up Sinbad, and he only gets on the bleeding bus! Del...I'm banged up in a cell...
36:31and he's stuck in rush hour on a bloody bus!Del...So I... Would you shut up for one minute !?
36:39We have got problems.Problems? Del Boy...
36:45Oh! Hello, Eugene! How very, very nice to see you!
36:49Eric informs me you're supplying the cabaret. I hope it's good, Del. I don't want my mum disappointed.
36:57Oh, no, of course not, Eugene. Nothing but the very best.
37:03Would I do anything less? Oh, this is my... I'm just a roadie.
37:09I just make tea and sweep up.
37:13Well... Here's to a good evening. Yeah! Eugene, you just enjoy yourself. Sit back and enjoy, eh?
37:20'Attention, please.'
37:23Welcome to the cabaret hour! Lovely...
37:31But first, let's say happy birthday to Mrs McCarthy, Eugene's mum. Happy Birthday, Lil!
37:38# Happy Birthday to you! # OTHERS STOP SINGING AND APPLAUD #Happy birth...#
37:49We have two young stars who may not be familiar to you. But if you lived in a certain town in Nevada, USA,
37:57their names would be on the tips of your tongues.
38:01They've just finished a sell-out season with Barry Manilow
38:06at the Desert Inn, Las Vegas! How about that? Eh? APPLAUSE
38:13Where'd he get all that crap from?
38:17What a stupid question.
38:20We're proud that they've come to the Starlight Rooms!
38:28So, ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome, please,
38:32for Raquel and Tony!
38:50#I was alright for a while,
38:55#I could smile for a while.
38:59#But when I saw you last night
39:02#You held my hand so tight, As you stopped to say hello.
39:09#And though you wished me well You couldn't tell
39:16#That I'd been cry-y-ing over you.
39:22#Cry-y-ying over you
39:26#And you said "so long"
39:30#Left me standing
39:33#All alone Alone and crying
39:39#Crying... Crying...
39:43#Cry-y-ying...#
39:45She's bloody good, ain't she, Rodney, eh?Cosmic.
39:50#But the touch of your hand
39:54#Can start me crying.
39:59# I thought that I
40:02# Was over you
40:05# But tell me now WHAT...can I do?
40:09# I love you even more Than I did before
40:14# But, darling, what can I do-o-o-o?
40:19# You DON'T love me
40:23# And I'll ALWAYS be...
40:29# Cwy-y-y-ing !
40:34# Cwy-y-y-ying!
40:40# Now you are gone. And fwom this moment on.
40:48# I'll be cwying.Crying.
40:50# Cwying.Crying.
40:53# Cwying.Cw... Crying! Cwy-y-ying!
40:58#Crying!Cwying!
41:06# O-o-o-over yo-o-o-o-ou ! #
41:32What d'you reckon?
41:37I'll see you later.
41:48How come you didn't know he had trouble with his R's?
41:54He never told me! He just said he only sang certain songs. He meant songs without R's in 'em!
42:01So he chose the songs for tonight?
42:05Well... I didn't know! Gawd knows what Eugene's mum thought. I never did like that front door anyway.
42:18You bastard! You just walked out and left us!
42:22What else could I do? Go to Eugene and say, "That was different, eh?"
42:27Did you finish the performance? Oh, yes, Derek. To the death.
42:32"Please Welease Me."
42:36"Congwatulations!"
42:39And "The Gween, Gween Gwass of Home"!
42:45And that was followed by a medley of Wock 'n' Woll!
42:56That's not funny, Wodney - Rodney!
42:59I haven't laughed so much since he caught his beard in the food mixer!
43:04DOORBELL If that's Eugene, tell him...I've gone out for a hammer and nails!
43:12Who's there? Can I see Mr Twotter?It's Tony.
43:21I've come for my money.
43:24Not now. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.
43:28No, not tomowwow. I want it now. I did the performance, didn't I ?
43:34I did the wepertoire that YOU insisted on.I didn't know you can't say your R's!That doesn't matter!
43:42It does if you sing songs with R's!
43:45Well, I DON'T sing songs with R's! If it has an R, I change the lywics. Why didn't you change them tonight?
43:53How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"? It's the bloody title!
44:00We did everything you asked, Del. Pay him. And you owe me money too.
44:06We'll talk about it later. You're not cheating me!
44:11Crudite a la plate !!
44:14It's alright for ME to be cheated, though, innit?Who's cheated YOU ?
44:20..HIM !
44:24He charged me £1.40 for bus fares!
44:27It was only later when I realised that he's got a bus pass!
44:33And, anyway, I don't suppose the Starlight's going to pay me after tonight's disaster!
44:41We signed a contwact.I know, but my brother drew up that contract.
44:46And he put in a get-out clause, didn't you, Rodney?
44:51No.Eh? Why didn't you? 'Cos you didn't tell me to!
44:57I ain't a lawyer! I sweep up and make tea! And you owe me 50 quid!
45:02Yeah, but...
45:05Oh, alright, alright... Et tu, Brute!
45:09There you are! And yours!
45:13Hm.We'll talk about this tomorrow! Alright, Rodney.
45:18You know what you've got, don't you, Dewek?What?An "ism"!
45:23"Ism"? Have I got an ism, Rodney? Well, there's a lot of crap in the garage.
45:29You're not alone in your pwejudice! We've got sexism, wacism, heightism and ageism.
45:36Well, I... I'm a victim of pwonunciationism!
45:42I've got a good voice! A good style! I've got perfect tone!
45:47But just because I pwonounce R's diffewently from the west of you...
45:54I can never be a star. Because of my pwonunciation, you've dumped me!
45:59What about ME, lumbered with a star supplied by Lilley and Skinners, Crown Toppers and Mattessons !?
46:10You can always find another singer.
46:13But no-one who pwonounces R's like I do has become successful.
46:19Roy Jenkins? Jonathan Ross?
46:22Exactly!
46:26Oh, it doesn't matter.
46:31See you, Del.Yeah. Mind how you go, son.
46:35Waquel.
46:37Bye, Tony.
46:39Wodney.
46:41See you, Ton.
46:54Well, don't look at me like that! I didn't invent pronunciationism!
47:01If I had my way, everyone would be allowed to speak any way they want to.
47:08Del's right. It ain't his fault. Thank you, Unc. Have a brandy.
47:13PHONE RINGS
47:18Hello, Trotters Independent...
47:21Oh, hello, Eugene!
47:23Yeah, you discovered that, then, did ya?
47:28I was just discussing that very thing with my road manager here...
47:33You what?
47:36Oh, did she?
47:38I can't say that I blame her. How is she now?
47:44Oh. Good!
47:46You what?
47:49Yeah... Alright, then, Eugene. I'll be round first thing in the morning. Yeah...
47:56Bonjour.
48:00Want to hide a pair of pliers in your pocket?
48:05No, he wants to sign you and Tony up for a 5-week contract.
48:11His mum liked you.You're kidding!
48:15It was the funniest thing she's ever seen.
48:21Tony! Tony! Where'd he go?
48:24Tony! Hey! Just a minute! I've got some more bookings for you!
48:29Stick with me, son - I'll make you WICH !
48:39# We got some half-price cracked ice Miles and miles of carpet tiles
48:42# TVs, deepfreeze, David Bowie LPs Ballgames, gold chains What's-its-names and, at a push,
48:48# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
48:54# No income tax, no VAT
48:57# No money back, no guarantee
49:01# Black or white, rich or poor
49:04# We'll cut prices at a stro-oke!
49:08# God bless Hookey Street
49:12# Viva Hookey Street
49:14# Long live Hookey Street
49:17# C'est magnifique, Hookey Street
49:20# Magnifique, Hookey Street
49:25# Hookey Street... #
49:27Subtitles by Anne Morgan BBC Scotland 1991