Only Fools and Horses S07E05 — He Aint Heavy, Hes My Uncle

Every line from “He Aint Heavy, Hes My Uncle” (1248 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

00:00[upbeat music]
00:03* Stick a pony in me pocket, *
00:07* I'll fetch the suitcase from the van *
00:10* 'Cause if you want the best 'uns *
00:12* But you don't ask questions *
00:14* Then brother, I'm your man *
00:18* 'Cause where it comes from is a mystery *
00:21* It's like the changing of the seasons *
00:23* And the tides of the sea *
00:26* But here's the one that's driving me berserk *
00:29* Why do only fools and horses work *
00:32* La, la, la, la, la-la-la-la la *
00:36* La, la, la, la, la-la-la-la la *
00:41Sorry, Cassandra, I'm a bit out of breath.
00:43I've just been doing me physical jerks.
00:45-Oi, Gazza. Come here. -[audience laughs]
00:49Don't you tell her that Rodney's still in bed
00:50sleeping off another hangover, will ya?
00:52What d'you take me for?
00:53Give me five minutes, and I'll write out a list!
00:56[audience laughs]
00:57Alright, Cassandra. Yeah.
00:59I'll tell Rodney you called as soon as he gets up.
01:02-I don't believe you! -[audience laughs]
01:03I mean in! I mean in!
01:06Yeah.
01:07Tell Cassandra I'll phone her later.
01:09I've gotta get this stuff in the freezer.
01:10Raquel says she'll call you later.
01:13Eh? Oh yeah, she's all right, she's fine.
01:15I mean, women like being pregnant, don't they?
01:18[audience laughs]
01:19And how are you feeling?
01:21Eh? Good.
01:22Me? Oh I'm alright.
01:24I've just joined the over-sixties club down on the estate.
01:27Given me a new lease of life, it has.
01:29Eh?
01:30Yeah, there's some women there,
01:31but I'm not interested in all that.
01:33No, like a squirrel ain't interested in nuts!
01:35[audience laughs]
01:37I used to be a bit of a Casanova in my younger days.
01:40I could tell you a tale or two, Cassandra!
01:43Yeah. During the war I...
01:45Eh?
01:46Someone at your front door, is there?
01:48[audience laughs]
01:49Oh well... Bye for now, Cassandra.
01:51Bye, love.
01:55Mrs Lane, or may I call you Dora?
01:58May I have the pleasure of this next dance?
02:00Thank you.
02:01-* La, di-da, di-da * -[audience laughs]
02:09-Oh my God! -[audience laughs]
02:10What time d'you call this, Rodney?
02:12I call it 11.30, Unc. What time d'you call it?
02:15It's disgusting. A young man like you
02:16getting up at 11.30 in the morning.
02:18Your brother was up and out of here at 7:00.
02:22Then he came back and took Raquel out shopping.
02:24Yeah well, that's because Del has got a job to go to
02:27and money-earning opportunities.
02:29And he's got a woman in his life!
02:31What have I got, eh?
02:32I've got no job to go to,
02:34I've got no wife to say good morning to.
02:37You might be a bit more chirpy
02:39if you didn't wake up with such an hangover!
02:41I have not got...
02:43-I have not got a hangover! -[audience laughs]
02:45I am fine!
02:46There is nothing wrong with me.
02:49Cassandra phoned. Just wanted to know how you were.
02:51You didn't tell her, did you?
02:52-Nah, -[audience laughs]
02:53I just said you were alright.
02:55She just wants your cheque towards the mortgage.
02:57Oh.
02:59Yeah, well, I'll sort that out.
03:04Oh, morning.
03:06-Oh, morn... -Morning, Rodney.
03:07Morning.
03:09That reminds me, sweetheart.
03:10The video shop's got " Nightmare On Elm Street" in.
03:13[audience laughs]
03:15Albert's just been talking to Cassandra.
03:17She just wanted to know how I was.
03:19He didn't tell her, did he?
03:20No, he said I was all...
03:22What d'you mean, he didn't tell her?
03:23-[Raquel winces] -What's the matter?
03:24You alright, sweetheart?
03:25Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
03:27A bit of backache, that's all.
03:29It happens every time we go out in your van.
03:32It's just not very comfortable,
03:33especially in my condition.
03:35I'm alright now.
03:36No, no. Listen to me, sweetheart.
03:37-I'll... -[audience laughs]
03:39I'll tell you what. Look, you leave the shopping.
03:41I will continue with the shopping.
03:43You go in there and sit down. Go on.
03:44Go on, that's an order! Go on.
03:45Aye, aye, sir.
03:47Don't forget to deliver our birthday present.
03:49Ah, alright.
03:50Whose birthday is it?
03:52It's Boycie's little kid. Anyway.
03:54You see, that three-wheeled van
03:55wasn't designed for a pregnant woman with shopping.
03:58I tell ya, she's getting bigger by the day.
04:02She's already been banned from the Body Shop.
04:04[audience laughs]
04:05If I could just get the engine to run a bit smoother,
04:07I'm sure that would help.
04:08I've told you, they stopped making spares
04:10for that van years ago.
04:11I've tried everywhere. Breakers' yards, spares shops,
04:15archaeologists.
04:17-[audience laughs] -Archaeologists?! I...
04:21Listen to me, Rodney. Talking of archaeologists,
04:22you look as though you've just been dug up from somewhere.
04:25Why don't you take a leaf out of your uncle's book.
04:27Eh? Look at him, he's in there,
04:28he's just joined the over-sixties club.
04:31He looks like a born-again teddy boy.
04:33[audience laughs]
04:34You're not suggesting I join the over-sixties club?
04:36No, they wouldn't have you. You look too old.
04:39[audience laughs]
04:40There's been another mugging on the estate.
04:42-Oh God. -Yeah?
04:44Ah, you don't want to believe all you read, though, Raquel.
04:46A lot of that is exaggerated, you know.
04:47If I got my hands on 'em,
04:49I'd string 'em up from the nearest lamppost.
04:51Oh listen to him, will you.
04:52It's nearly the 21st century,
04:54he still wants to hang 'em up by the neck.
04:55Who said anything about hanging them up by the neck?
04:58[audience laughs]
04:59Well, they'd better not try anything on me.
05:02I used to box for the navy. [exhales quickly]
05:04Will you sit down, you soppy old sod?
05:07-[audience laughs] -You'll have my capo del monte
05:08-on the floor in a minute. -[audience laughs]
05:11-[phone ringing] -[breezy muzak playing]
05:18Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
05:21How can I help you?
05:23-[audience laughs] -Oh it's you Marlene!
05:26Yes, I am going out
05:28to get Tyler's birthday present in a minute!
05:31Marlene, I'm trying to run a business here.
05:33If you remember, I sell quality used cars!
05:36[mechanic knocks]
05:38D'you want me to take that old banger down the scrap-yard?
05:40-Yeah, if they'll take it! -[audience laughs]
05:41I'll get me coat.
05:44A baby grand?
05:46Well, of course I want him to be cultured,
05:48but for God's sake, Marlene, he's only two!
05:51[audience laughs]
05:52I don't give a toss what Beethoven
05:53could do when he was three!
05:55Tyler should start off in a smaller way.
05:59Yes, alright Marlene. Leave it to me.
06:01I'll surprise you.
06:05Where can I get a mouth organ from?
06:07[audience laughs]
06:09[phone rings]
06:11Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
06:13-Boycie! -How can...
06:14Oh, it's you Del Boy!
06:15How's your luck?
06:17Couldn't be better Boycie, couldn't be better.
06:18Business is so good
06:19there aren't enough hours in the day.
06:20I'm thinking of taking on extra staff.
06:22Yeah, "taking on" being the operative phrase!
06:26Rodney, why don't you do something useful,
06:27like go back to bed, son!
06:30Anyway, Boycie, listen,
06:32we've got a birthday present for the ankle-biter.
06:34Oh, cheers, Del.
06:36Yes. We're gonna have a little celebration.
06:38Just a few dear and close friends.
06:41I suppose you and your family
06:42could come along as well if you like.
06:44Thank you, that's very nice of you Boycie.
06:47Listen, d'you reckon that you could get
06:49one of your mechanics to have a look at my van?
06:51I know just the bloke.
06:53He had a family bereavement recently.
06:54-He could do with a good laugh. -[audience laughs]
06:59No, sorry, Del. I just think it's about time
07:02you got yourself something more powerful.
07:05-Like what? -I don't know.
07:06A food mixer?
07:08-[audience laughs] -Very funny.
07:10Very funny Boycie, but that little van
07:12does everything that I need it to, don't worry.
07:14No, no, Del. Keep the van for business.
07:17I am talking about a second car.
07:19Now listen, I've been hearing about all this crime
07:21that's been occurring on your estate.
07:23Don't you think it's gonna be safer for your Raquel
07:26to be driving rather than walking?
07:29Yeah well, that's a point Boycie,
07:31I'd never thought of that.
07:33Yes. I mean, a man in your position...
07:35I mean, you need something that's gonna reflect your image.
07:40I've got a lovely Skoda out in the showroom.
07:42-[audience laughs] -Two years old,
07:458,000 miles on the clock, genuine.
07:47You can have it for two and a half grand.
07:49Two and a half grand is a little bit
07:51out of my price range, Boycie.
07:53[Boycie] What is your price range, Del?
07:55-400 quid. -[audience laughs]
07:57400? You can't get a walking frame for 400!
08:02Just a moment, Del. Your luck could be in.
08:05I got a cracking little sports coupe,
08:07came in as a part chop on a Honda Prelude.
08:09Beautiful bodywork, sound engine,
08:11really nice little runner.
08:12It just need a bit of a clean-up, that's all.
08:14Now I was looking for a grand.
08:17But, seeing how it's my son's birthday and you're a mate,
08:20I'll let it go for 400.
08:22Cushty! I'll pop down and take the butcher's at it
08:25later then, Boycie. Alright?
08:26-Right. Cheers, Del. -Bye.
08:28Right, I'm off down the scrappy.
08:30-Are these the keys? -[key jingle]
08:33There's been a change of plan!
08:34[audience laughs]
08:41[audience laughs]
08:44What d'you think, Rodney?
08:46I don't know!
08:47She'll be putty in my hands.
08:50Way-hay! Rodney, you'll never guess what?
08:52I've only bought a new car!
08:54Gordon Bennett!
08:56Albert, I thought it was Simon Le Bon!
08:58[audience laughs]
09:00What are you doing?
09:01What are you dressed up like that for?
09:03I'm playing the over-sixties dominoes final
09:04down the Nag's Head, against old Knock Knock later.
09:07So you've got a new car?
09:08Yeah, it's a cracker.
09:10Raquel's just driven it back.
09:11It's a beauty, innit, sweetheart, eh?
09:13-Yeah. -[audience laughs]
09:15D'you want a cup of tea, love?
09:16Yeah, I need something, Albert!
09:18So you're a two-car family now, then!
09:21Well, one car, one three-wheeled van.
09:23Which is one car and one three-wheeled van
09:25more than you've got! Or ever likely to have!
09:27Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Derek.
09:29Bound to be a job in here for me somewhere.
09:31You'll have to come up with a good excuse
09:33before you get a job, son.
09:34I mean, how you gonna explain away them
09:3610 years when you were Del's partner?
09:38Albert's got a good point, Rodney.
09:40In all of those 10 years
09:41you weren't registered for income tax,
09:43national insurance or anything!
09:45Your work record shows that you left school at 16
09:48and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth.
09:50I've already thought of that.
09:51I'm gonna say I was working for a foreign
09:53oil company in Saudi Arabia.
09:55What, straight from school?
09:57One minute you're a milk-monitor,
09:58the next minute you're a petrochemist?
10:01No, sorry bruv, that won't wash.
10:03Couldn't you say you'd been on safari?
10:04-What, for a decade? -[audience laughs]
10:07You could say you got lost.
10:10A friend of mine went out with a guy who'd spent 12 years
10:12working for a safari company in Kenya.
10:15Nah, that's stupid, Raquel!
10:16Well, it's better than your
10:17paper-round-in-Arabia cobblers, innit?
10:19[audience laughs]
10:21Have you ever thought of joining the navy, Rodney?
10:23Well, funny enough, Unc, no!
10:27How can I join the navy?
10:29Exactly.
10:30In the old days they used to take anyone.
10:32I mean, let's face it, they took you!
10:34[audience laughs]
10:35But nowadays you've gotta have a Cottrell of qualifications.
10:37What chance has Lawrence of Peckham got, eh?
10:41I don't mean the Royal Navy.
10:43I'm talking about the merchant.
10:45Just think of it, Rodney. Imagine.
10:48Monday, you sail out of Southampton water.
10:50Tuesday, you're through to the Bay of Biscay.
10:53Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent.
10:55Thursday, you dock in Algiers...
10:57Friday it's your turn in the barrel!
10:59-[audience laughs] -Eh?
11:02There was nothing like that on any of my vessels!
11:05[audience laughs]
11:07A few funny ones but nothing like that!
11:09[audience laughs]
11:10Well, what d'you reckon, Rodney?
11:12Yeah well, if it's all the same with you, Unc,
11:14I think I'll take a raincheck on this one.
11:16You don't know what you're missing.
11:17Yeah well, that suits me!
11:19Del, I've been thinking.
11:22Trotters Independent Traders has been going through
11:24a period of commercial augmentation, ain't you?
11:27No, I've been doing alright, Rodney.
11:29-[audience laughs] -I was thinking,
11:30things must be getting pretty hectic for you
11:32on the old business front, eh?
11:33Well, yeah. Straight, Rodney.
11:35It's one power breakfast after another, it is.
11:37Yeah.
11:39Yeah, I suppose it ain't all champagne and backgammon
11:41for you yuppies, is it, eh?
11:43I heard you saying earlier that you was
11:44thinking of taking on more staff.
11:46So, well, seeing as I am temporarily between positions
11:49and if the conditions are acceptable,
11:52I'm willing to work for you.
11:55No way, Pedro!
11:58-[audience laughs] -Look, I've got all...
11:59No way, Pedro?
12:01I don't need you, Rodders.
12:03Look, I could be very useful to you
12:04during this period of growth!
12:06Oh yeah? How?
12:07Well it's... I'm a good salesman.
12:09Oh, leave it out, Rodney,
12:11you couldn't sell a black cat to a witch.
12:13[audience laughs]
12:14Yeah, but now,
12:16now I've got managerial experience.
12:20Nah.
12:21I could computerise your entire business!
12:25Nah.
12:27I have got executive qualifications.
12:30Nah.
12:31[audience laughs]
12:33Can you lend us a fiver, then?
12:35A fiver? I didn't realise things were that bad, Rodney.
12:38And you want to be my financial advisor?
12:40[audience laughs]
12:42I will be anything!
12:46Yeah well, I'm desperate, ain't I?
12:48Alright Rodney, I'll tell you what.
12:50I will give you a job
12:51with Trotters Independent Traders PLC.
12:55Fine.
12:56And what wage structure will I have?
12:59Wage structure? I don't know,
13:00It'll be the same as before, won't it.
13:01Good!
13:03So, what was that, then?
13:06What d'you mean "What was that?"
13:07It'd mean if I've got cash on the hip I'll pay you.
13:08Alright.
13:11And what title will I have?
13:12Well, we'll call you Lord Rodney.
13:15[audience laughs]
13:18I meant, company title!
13:20See, I was thinking you could call me
13:22your director of commercial development.
13:24Yes, yes, alright.
13:25No, that sounds very good to me, yeah.
13:28Alright then, so. As it says in the Bible,
13:31"Clothes maketh the man."
13:33So I want you to whip round your flat a bit lively.
13:36What, and pick up my best suit?
13:37No, pick up your car-cleaning gear.
13:39[audience laughs]
13:41Ta-da! What d'you reckon?
13:44[audience laughs]
13:49How much d'you reckon I paid Boycie for it?
13:52What, he charged you?
13:53[audience laughs]
13:54I stole it off him, Rodders.
13:56400 nicker.
14:00It's a peach, it handles like Maradona.
14:02[audience laughs]
14:04Oh, Del. Look at the paintwork!
14:06It's got no shine to it!
14:07By the time I've finished it'll look brand new.
14:11Oh, er, Rodney...
14:15Listen. I've been meaning to ask you something.
14:21It's a little bit embarrassing, so...
14:23I ain't cleaning it!
14:24You bloody well are!
14:26-[audience laughs] -Oh no!
14:28The days when I used to do all your dirty work
14:29are long gone!
14:31I used to run my own computer section Del!
14:33I was an executive!
14:35And now you're cleaning my Capri Ghia!
14:38You seem to forget, Rodney, that you are my employee!
14:41Since you left Cassandra and your job,
14:45you've been eating and sleeping in my flat for nix!
14:48Now, if you wanna hand in your resignation
14:50that is alright by me.
14:52I'll help you find a little bedsit.
14:54I'll even give you a little leaving present.
14:56A paraffin heater and a mousetrap.
14:59-[audience laughs] -Alright, I'll clean it!
15:01Are you quite sure about that?
15:04Yes.
15:06Thank you.
15:07Thank you very much.
15:08I'm most grateful.
15:12-[dominoes knocking] -[upbeat music on jukebox]
15:13Look at that lot, over there.
15:15It looks like the Tetley Tea folks' day out, dunnit?
15:18[audience laughs]
15:19Albert's looking very smart.
15:21He must be after one of the ladies.
15:24I wonder if it's old Lil with the hairy wart?
15:26Or is it the Widow Manky, her with the disposable teeth?
15:30You should have more respect, Mike.
15:31Those women went through a war for us.
15:33Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of 'em.
15:36[audience laughs]
15:38It'd be lovely if Albert could meet some nice old lady
15:41to keep him company.
15:44D'you know who he's after?
15:45-Yeah. Your mum. -[audience laughs]
15:48-My mum! -Yeah, that's right.
15:50Him and his mate are after sorting her out, look. [chuckles]
15:53I'm not having this!
15:54No, but if your mum plays her cards right!
15:57-[audience laughs] -Mum!
15:59-I want a word with you! -Yeah, alright, Marlene,
16:01talk to you in a minute.
16:02Can I get you a drink, Dora?
16:04You don't mind me calling you Dora, do you, Dora?
16:06Of course I don't mind, Albert.
16:09I just got Dora a drink.
16:12Why'd you let Knock-Knock get you a drink?
16:13It was my turn.
16:15You can buy me a drink in a minute.
16:17Yeah, alright.
16:18How'd the kid's birthday party go, Boyce?
16:21Oh, it was very successful, thank you Trigger.
16:23All the right people were there,
16:24and Del and Albert turned up.
16:26[audience laughs]
16:28Thank you very much, Boycie. Thank you.
16:30Now that he's gone, who's for another one, then?
16:32-Alright? Another round? -I'll have a pint, Del.
16:35'Ere, Mike. 'Ere, Mike.
16:36Here a minute.
16:38Them over by the juke box.
16:39The morons from outer space. Who are they?
16:42I don't know, Del.
16:44They've been using the pub for about two weeks now.
16:46Yeah, I know. I didn't think they were regulars.
16:47But, like I say, I don't know nothing about them.
16:49I think they're friends of the old mongrels down there.
16:53Here, Ollie! Ollie, just a minute,
16:54come here son, will you?
16:56-What you want, Del? -Here, listen...
16:57You see that gang over there by the jukebox?
16:59D'you know anything about 'em?
17:01They started coming in here about a fortnight ago.
17:04Have they been hanging round the estate, like, at night?
17:06Yeah, a couple of times.
17:08D'you want me and the boys to beat 'em up?
17:10-No! No, no, no! -[audience laughs]
17:11Oi, I don't want no trouble in this pub!
17:13What you drinking, Albert?
17:15I'll have a large navy rum, dear.
17:18Puts lead in your pencil!
17:20-[they giggle] -[audience laughs]
17:24Well, there's a thing.
17:25Get old Knock-Knock a drink, will you?
17:27I'll have a pint of ordinary, dear.
17:29Hey, Albert.
17:30Why'd they call him Knock-Knock?
17:33Because he's a very bad dominoes player!
17:36I'm a better player than you, Trotter!
17:37What? You've never beaten me at dominoes in all your life.
17:40I can beat you at anything.
17:41Even when we was at school I could beat you at anything!
17:44Now, come on boys, calm down.
17:46Start acting like grown-ups!
17:48I had to laugh to myself tonight, Del.
17:51-Did you, Trig? -Yeah. [chuckles]
17:53Why, something happened?
17:55Yeah, I was walking across the estate
17:57past the garage block.
17:58It was 7:30 at night, pitch-black,
18:01and there was Dave polishing an old banger!
18:04[audience laughs]
18:06Well it takes...
18:07Oh my God!
18:09I'd forgotten all about
18:10my director of commercial management!
18:12You left him cleaning your car at night?
18:14Yeah well, I'd forgotten he worked for me!
18:18What's old Albert and Knock-Knock playing at?
18:20Dunno, it looks like Ninja dominoes.
18:23What you drinking, Boyce?
18:24Give him a large navy rum.
18:27[audience laughs]
18:30Look at my clothes!
18:33I told you to wear your car-cleaning gear, didn't I?
18:35Look, a director of commercial development
18:37does not wear stonewashed Wranglers and Doc Martens!
18:39He does when he's cleaning the guv'nor's Capri Ghia!
18:42And I got Swarfega in me eye!
18:45Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.
18:46Yes, that's when my hand
18:48went straight through the bodywork!
18:51Look at that, I'm bleeding, see! That's blood!
18:52-You got any plasters, Mike? -Yeah, give him a...
18:54What d'you mean, your hand
18:56went straight through the bodywork?
18:57There's a big rust hole in the wing.
18:59Boycie's blokes had filled it full of newspaper
19:01and filler, then sprayed over it.
19:03That is slanderous, Rodney.
19:05That must have happened before
19:06I took possession of the vehicle!
19:07They were yesterday's newspapers!
19:10[audience laughs]
19:12[Del] Were they really?
19:14You took the car as seen, Del!
19:16I don't owe you no favours.
19:18That's a bit unfair, Boycie?
19:19What about that 36-piece tea service
19:21he sold Marlene last month?
19:23Oh yeah, that came in very handy.
19:24I gave it to the Boy Scouts' fete for their rifle range.
19:27But that was genuine Dresden!
19:28Yeah, genuine antique Dresden!
19:31And it was guaranteed dishwasher-proof!
19:33[audience laughs]
19:35I'll do it, Rodney.
19:38I don't believe him sometimes!
19:40I don't know how he can ask me,
19:41with my executive qualifications
19:43to go round the garage block
19:44and clean the Pratmobile!
19:46Don't you let Del hear you call it that!
19:49What about that very important client
19:51I had come over from Belgium?
19:53I wanted two tickets for Wimbledon so I could impress him.
19:55You said, "Leave it to me Boycie,
19:56I gotta contact at Wimbledon".
19:58I got you two tickets, didn't I?
20:00That's right! They drew 0-0 with Ipswich!
20:03-[audience laughs] -That makes us even!
20:04No way, Pedro!
20:08I'll see you later, Del.
20:10-I'm going round Jevon's. -Yeah, alright.
20:11What would you like, Dora?
20:12How about a large snowball?
20:14Oh, lovely!
20:16Mike, large snowball for Dora.
20:20[notes rustling]
20:24Oh! Ahhh!
20:26That's better.
20:27-Alright, sweetheart? -Yeah, I'm fine now.
20:30Cushty.
20:31I'll pick up my Capri Ghia in the morning.
20:33I'll get my director of commercial development
20:36to drive the van back. [chuckles]
20:39Del, I don't wanna nag.
20:40Good. I'll put a record on.
20:42[audience laughs]
20:43Can we afford to splash out 400 pounds on another car?
20:47I mean, do we really need another car?
20:49Yes, we do!
20:51You see the reason why I thought...
20:52Look, just because the van gives me backache
20:53was no reason for you to buy another car!
20:56No, I know, but listen you'll see. There is a very...
20:58It's a waste of money.
20:59You do realise we've got a baby on the way, don't you?
21:01Yes, I do, little things do remind me.
21:03You just shut up and listen for a minute, I'll explain.
21:07Look, it's a very dangerous world out there, Raquel.
21:09And I don't want you walking
21:11down to the shops or the launderette.
21:12I want you to drive. That way you'll be safe and sound.
21:15D'you understand what I'm saying?
21:17-Is that why you bought it? -Yes.
21:20-Aren't you lovely? -Yes!
21:22[audience laughs]
21:23I love you, Trotter.
21:26Do you?
21:28Well, you're only human, aren't you?
21:30[audience laughs]
21:32Mwah!
21:33Mm.
21:36Mm!
21:40Fancy a cup of tea?
21:41[audience laughs]
21:43Del! It's Albert!
21:45What about Albert?
21:46There's no need to panic, alright?
21:48[Raquel] What's happened to Albert?
21:49He's been mugged!
21:50-He's been what? -Is he hurt?
21:52I don't know. But he has got double vision.
21:54Where's this happened, Rodney?
21:55In his eyes.
21:56[audience laughs]
21:58I don't mean...
21:59Oh sorry, yeah!
22:01As he was walking home from the pub.
22:02I was just coming back from Jevon's
22:04and I saw this ambulance there,
22:05and this big crowd of people around him.
22:06-Did he recognise anyone? -No.
22:07All he knows is there was four of them.
22:09Look, they've got him down the hospital.
22:10-Come on, let's go. -Alright, alright.
22:12You stay there. It's alright sweetheart, don't worry.
22:13Listen. We'll sort it out, alright?
22:19-You dipstick, Rodney! -[audience laughs]
22:22He's just gonna put some clothes on,
22:23and then we'll go.
22:25[audience laughs]
22:30They said he might be suffering from shock for a few days.
22:33Yeah. You just wait 'til I get my hands
22:35on the bastards what did it.
22:37Then you'll see what a state of shock really looks like!
22:38Now, you stay out of it!
22:40The police can handle this perfectly well on their own!
22:42No. I don't need the Old Bill!
22:45People in this area are used
22:46to sorting their own problems out.
22:48It's traditional.
22:50You know, I remember once when I was about 10 years old,
22:53mum had some of her jewellery nicked by this
22:55good-looking Italian bloke.
22:57He wasn't good looking after my Dad had finished with him!
23:00But how could you be certain he was guilty?
23:02Because of the evidence, Rodney, the evidence!
23:05Dad found one of Mum's earrings
23:07on the back seat of this bloke's car!
23:09[audience laughs]
23:12[doorbell rings]
23:13[Rodney] Oh, it's alright, Unc.
23:14-Alright, alright. -Its' just the door.
23:15Stay there. It's alright.
23:16Calm down, calm down.
23:22-Hi. -Oh. Hi.
23:25I just came round to see how Albert was.
23:28Yeah, well, he's not too good at the moment.
23:32Well, come in.
23:35-Hi. -Oh!
23:36-Hello! -Hello, Cassandra!
23:38I heard what happened to Albert.
23:39How is he?
23:41He looks bloody horrible, don't he?
23:43They stole his watch, his wallet, everything.
23:44I know. How you feeling, Albert?
23:47I'm a bit bruised, dear.
23:48I was jumped on by five of 'em.
23:51It's alright. Well, you just keep...
23:52-Five of them? -[audience laughs]
23:54I thought it was...
23:55Nevermind, nevermind.
23:58Rodney, why don't you make Cassandra
24:00a nice cup of coffee? Hmm?
24:03In the kitchen...
24:06Eh?
24:08In the kitchen!
24:10-[audience laughs] -Oh!
24:12Shall we go and make a cup of coffee?
24:19-Apres moi la deluge, -[audience laughs]
24:22as they say in the Latin quarter.
24:29So you're working for Del again?
24:31Yeah. Yeah.
24:33Yeah, it wasn't an easy decision.
24:34I've had lots of offers from local companies.
24:37Well, you know what these headhunters are like.
24:39Well, no, not really.
24:41Del's asked me to be his director
24:43of commercial development, you know?
24:44Seek out new openings, find gaps in the market.
24:48And a the gap doesn't exist, create one?
24:49Yeah, yeah, that sort of thing.
24:51So I thought, well, that'll do me.
24:53Lovely Jubbly! Eh?
24:57I tell you, it is pressure all the way.
24:58I am never off that phone.
25:00Oh, you've cut your finger!
25:02Yeah, Del got me to clean his car yesterday and...
25:05I just did it as a favour, you know.
25:08I don't know if you've noticed
25:09his new car parked downstairs.
25:11-The green Pratmobile. -[audience laughs]
25:14[chuckles] Does he know you call it that?
25:15No. I don't think he'd be too pleased.
25:20So things are going well?
25:23Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
25:24We're into property development now, theatre...
25:27Toilet rolls.
25:29Yeah well, that's just the direct
25:31retail sales branch of the company, you know.
25:32We've got a contact in the City!
25:35What, the White City?
25:38There's no need to laugh at us, Cass!
25:40I'm not laughing at you, Rodney!
25:42I'm just trying to break the ice!
25:45So, how's our flat?
25:49Much the same as when you left it.
25:51I wish I could say the same about you!
25:53And what's that mean?
25:55You've changed!
25:56You're getting more like Del.
25:58You're full of front and bullshit, Roddy!
26:01Look! You're even wearing the same clothes as Del.
26:03These suits happen to be
26:05a new line we're selling, that's all.
26:07These are Romanian.
26:10We just wear them to let the punter know
26:12what they look like.
26:13D'you think that's wise?
26:16We do know our market, Cassandra!
26:17And I am not getting like Del!
26:19You are, Rodney.
26:21Look, you're even wearing a Del Boy starter kit!
26:25Del told me to wear this because...
26:28Look, understand one thing, Cass!
26:30I am not getting like Del!
26:31No way, Pedro!
26:33-[audience laughs] -"No way, Pedro"?
26:37Look, I'm very busy, Cassandra.
26:40Yeah, well... I'll see you, Rodney.
26:42No, I didn't mean it like that.
26:44Goodbye!
26:45I'll give you a bell during the...
26:46[door thuds]
26:53[door thuds]
26:54Its' alright, alright, Unc. It's only me!
26:56I was just putting the security chain on.
26:57No one can get in. You're safe now.
26:59You alright?
27:00Yeah, I'm alright, son.
27:01What are you doing then, Unc?
27:03I'm just looking through in me old box.
27:06-See that? -What's that?
27:07That's where I was born.
27:09Tobacco Road, down by the docks.
27:12Yeah, that's right. Look.
27:13That's where he was born, sweetheart, look.
27:15Oh!
27:16See that there?
27:17That's the front of Tobacco Road.
27:18There's your nan, there's your granddad.
27:21He'd just joined the army,
27:22doing his bit for king and country.
27:24Oh, yeah!
27:26Why's he got a vest and plimsolls on?
27:28Well, he'd just deserted.
27:30[audience laughs]
27:31Albert, tomorrow, would you like us
27:33to take you back to where you were born?
27:36Nah, it ain't there any more, dear.
27:38They knocked it down.
27:41That film you wanted to see is coming on in a minute.
27:43-Oh thanks. -What film's that, then?
27:45"Out Of Africa".
27:46Oh, not another documentary about AIDS, is it?
27:49No, it's a film with Robert Redford.
27:53Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Africa?
27:54Yeah, thousands of times!
27:56No. Why, what happened Albert?
27:59"Well, during the war..."
28:02During the war I was on this hospital ship.
28:05We'd just picked up some of the
28:06wounded from Monty's North African campaign.
28:09We dropped 'em off in Durban.
28:11Yeah. I helped some of them lads off the ship.
28:15It was tragic to see some of them, bloody tragic.
28:18I cried for 'em.
28:20Daft, eh?
28:21No. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
28:24I cried when me mum died.
28:27Yeah, but you were only 16.
28:28I was a full-grown man.
28:30Yeah well, I shed a little tear or two, didn't I,
28:32when Rodney got married and left home.
28:36I cried even more when he came back!
28:37[audience laughs]
28:39The most frightening thing in all my life
28:40happened while I was in Africa.
28:44We'd docked in Durban, and a couple of black blokes
28:46came over to us and asked if me and my mates
28:47wanted to go and see the jungle.
28:50We jumped at the chance.
28:51Well, you're like that when you're young, ain't you?
28:53Yeah, we've all done it, haven't we?
28:54So we got up in this open lorry and went off.
28:59And after about two hours
29:00the undergrowth got thicker and thicker.
29:03Deep in the heart of the jungle.
29:05Anyway, somehow or another
29:07I got cut off from the rest of the party
29:09and found meself in this clearing.
29:12I just started to retrace my steps
29:14when I heard a noise.
29:17I looked around
29:18and standing there
29:20was the biggest lion I've ever seen.
29:23Cor, well, you need all that, don't you?
29:26I looked at him, he looked at me.
29:31We just stood there looking at each other.
29:34Then suddenly
29:35-he went "Raaaargh!" -[audience laughs]
29:38-God's sakes! -What's happening?
29:41Are you alright? You alright?
29:42Oh, yeah!
29:45[audience laughs]
29:48I did a very childish thing.
29:51I wet meself!
29:52[audience laughs]
29:55A full-grown man and I wet meself.
29:58Alright, alright Unc!
30:00Nothing to be ashamed of!
30:03Any bloke would have done the same thing
30:05coming face to face with a man-eating lion!
30:09I don't mean when I was in the jungle.
30:11I meant now, when I went "Raaargh!".
30:13[audience laughs]
30:20-[door thuds] -[chain clunks]
30:23I don't believe it!
30:26[audience laughs]
30:29I'll erm...
30:32-I'll go and... -Yes, go on.
30:33He's got a change of clothes in the airing cupboard.
30:36-Alright? -Yeah.
30:37How's Albert?
30:39Well, he's not his old self.
30:42-Oh good! -What do you mean, "good"?
30:44It was just a joke.
30:45I bloody well hope it was, and all!
30:47Yeah, alright, well, keep your hair on.
30:48-[audience laughs] -No, no, no!
30:53What?
30:54Nothing. Nothing, sorry, nothing.
30:56[audience laughs]
31:01[audience laughs]
31:09So he's no better then?
31:11No.
31:13No, he hasn't been out for ages.
31:15The doctor said he should try to get back
31:17to the normal life, you know.
31:18Yeah, that's right. I was there.
31:21You know, I reckon the...
31:23[audience laughs]
31:25I reckon the problem is, right...
31:27You are being very kind and considerate, ain't ya?
31:29I mean, you're being patient, understanding.
31:32Well, yeah.
31:33Well, that's not normal, is it?
31:36What do you want,
31:37a doughboy round the ear, Rodney?
31:38Ah, now you see, that's normal!
31:40D'you see what I'm getting at?
31:41Well, this flat, right, it's all hurly-burly,
31:44people shouting and arguing at each other, innit?
31:46I mean, we don't mean any harm, it's just the way we are.
31:49But now we're treating Albert with kid gloves.
31:52Now if it goes on much longer,
31:53he'll start using that as the norm.
31:55Then when we go back to the real normality
31:58he'll go back into shock again.
32:01So you reckon we ought to toughen up on him?
32:02Well, the gently, gently approach ain't worked, has it?
32:05I can't be hard on him, Rodney.
32:07No, well, nor can I! But...
32:10[audience laughs]
32:12We'd be doing it for him, wouldn't we?
32:14Otherwise Del, believe me,
32:16he's gonna take root in this flat.
32:19Yeah, maybe.
32:22Here you are, Unc.
32:24No, no, no, son. I'll sit over here.
32:27Alright if I have a brandy, Del?
32:30Yeah, that's alright. I'll get it.
32:32No, no, you know where it is, go on! Help yourself!
32:35[Albert] Yeah.
32:37Well...
32:38We have got a very, very busy day
32:40ahead of us tomorrow, Del.
32:42Oh yes, yes, we have, haven't we Rodney?
32:43That's right, so we won't have any time to go down the Pakis
32:46-and get any shopping, will we? -No.
32:48And we can't expect Raquel to do it, can we?
32:50Not in her condition.
32:51No, we certainly can't.
32:52So it must...
32:56So, what are we going to do then, eh?
32:58Well, we'll have to send Albert down the shops.
33:01Albert, you'll have to go down to the shops!
33:03Me? I can't go out there, Del.
33:04Yes, you can!
33:06I don't feel really up to it yet, Del.
33:08Oi!
33:10You go down there and get them fish fingers.
33:13You listen to me.
33:15Rodney and I are very busy at the moment,
33:17'cause Trotters Independent Traders
33:18are going to a phase of commercial augmentation, right.
33:24And what with Raquel dropping her chavvy.
33:26[audience laughs]
33:28I mean, we don't want any lame ducks.
33:31Right? 'Cause you're getting under our feet.
33:32Do you understand what I'm talking about?
33:34So you'd better get up and get out,
33:36'cause you're no good to us the way you are, alright?
33:40[Audience] Aw.
33:44Yeah...
33:46I understand, Del.
33:51[voice breaking] I understand.
33:54Goodnight, boys.
34:02That was a bit hard, weren't it?
34:03[audience laughs]
34:06A bit hard? You just told me to toughen up...
34:09I'm just saying, you know,
34:11it was a bit tougher than I expected, that's all.
34:16Are you comfortable in that chair, Rodney?
34:18[audience laughs]
34:20-Yeah? -Oh.
34:23-[Del cackles] -[audience laughs]
34:28-[Del giggling] -[audience laughs]
34:34I'll just take this into uncle Albert,
34:35and then I'll do your muesli.
34:36Oh, lovely Jubbly.
34:40Hey look.
34:41All these other ones say the same thing.
34:43"Albert Trotter lost at sea."
34:45-He's gone! -Gone? Where's he gone?
34:47He's not there! He left a note.
34:49"I won't get under your feet any longer.
34:51Your loving Uncle, Albert."
34:54Let me see that.
34:58That's 'cause of what you said last night.
35:00-'Cause of what I said? -[audience laughs]
35:01I didn't wanna say anything
35:02until you told me to say something!
35:03Well, don't you blame me Derek.
35:04I was only trying to get him out of this flat
35:05and back on his feet!
35:07-I am not blaming anyone... -Will you two stop arguing?
35:09Go and find him!
35:11-Well, where's he gone? -I don't know! Go 'n' look!
35:13No, she's right. Come on, let's go.
35:15I'll take the van, you take the Pratmobile.
35:17-Yes... -[audience laughs]
35:19What did he say?
35:30Here...
35:31What do you mean, 'Pratmobile?'
35:32[audience laughs]
35:33* We're so sorry, uncle Albert *
35:39* We're so sorry if we caused you any pain *
35:46* We're so sorry, uncle Albert *
35:52* But there's no one left at home *
35:55* And I believe I'm gonna rain *
36:00-[gentle music continues] -[rain pattering]
36:06-[lightning cracks] -[audience laughs]
36:10[rain pouring heavily]
36:13[thunder rumbles]
36:15[audience laughs]
36:22* We're so sorry, but we haven't heard a thing all day *
36:28* We're so sorry, uncle Albert *
36:35* But if anything should happen *
36:38* We'll be sure to give a ring *
36:47Oh!
36:50Hello!
36:52No, Rodney. No, no luck at this end.
36:54How about you?
36:59[audience laughs]
37:02* We're so sorry, uncle Albert *
37:08* But we haven't done a bloody thing all day *
37:14* We're so sorry, uncle Albert *
37:22* But the kettle's on the boil *
37:24* And we're so easily called away *
37:29[gentle vocalised music continues]
37:35[audience laughs]
37:57[gulls screeching]
38:24You're alright, Unc?
38:28What are you two doing here?
38:31We were worried about you, silly old git.
38:35We've been looking all over London for you!
38:37[Rodney] We found your note.
38:39How'd you know I'd be here?
38:41Just a guess, really.
38:45You were born round here, weren't you?
38:47Yeah. Tobacco Road.
38:49My house was...
38:52Somewhere round here.
38:56What's this all about then, eh?
39:00Running away from home at your age!
39:02A lot of things been going
39:03through my mind lately, Del.
39:06I didn't know if I was coming or going.
39:10I feel I let the family down.
39:13I let you two down.
39:15No!
39:17Don't be so bloody daft!
39:20You didn't let anybody down!
39:22I needed to be alone for a while.
39:25But where were you gonna go?
39:29I hadn't given it much thought, Rodney.
39:32I didn't realise things had changed so much.
39:35When I first left home, I was about 15,
39:39I just come down here and got a job on a trampsteamer.
39:43Life seemed easier then.
39:46Well...
39:47Things ain't all that much different now, Albert.
39:52You can always come home, to your family.
39:57Thanks, son.
39:58Come on then, let's go.
40:00You know, once upon a time
40:03ships from all over the world used to sail in here.
40:07The water used to be covered with a film of oil
40:10and when the sun shone on it, it sparkled
40:15with all different colours.
40:18When I was a kid,
40:19I used to think rainbows lived in the water.
40:23So, you was a bit of a divvy
40:25in them days and all, were you?
40:26[audience laughs]
40:28Oi!
40:29Alright. Sorry.
40:32There were tugs nudging freighters into position.
40:37Cranes lifting out timber from Canada,
40:40bananas from Jamaica.
40:43The pubs and the cafes, they were filled with
40:45sailors from a hundred countries.
40:49By the time I was seven,
40:51I could swear in 10 different languages.
40:54There used to be streets all around here.
40:57Loads of two up and two down houses.
41:00"Dockers' mansions" they called them.
41:02Yeah!
41:04Ragamuffins kicking footballs up against the wall.
41:07Women used to come out and chase us away
41:09with their brooms... [chuckles]
41:11Yeah...
41:14They were rough people,
41:17but they was good people.
41:19During the Blitz some of the men
41:22painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse
41:25so that the Luftwaffe pilots could see it.
41:28It said "Dear Adolf, you can break our windows,
41:35but not our hearts!"
41:42Look at what they've done to it now!
41:46Yeah...
41:48It's terrific, innit?
41:50Terrific?
41:52Yeah.
41:54Do you know how much some of these
41:55drums are worth, Rodney?
41:57I'll tell you how much they're worth.
41:58They're worth an arm and a leg.
42:00You know, Lord Linley's got one of these.
42:03And Michael Caine.
42:05Oh yeah.
42:07Makes you proud to be British, dunnit, eh?
42:11I could do with a bit of this.
42:13No, I can see myself with a nice little black Porsche
42:16parked outside,
42:18with the old windsurfer strapped to the roof rack.
42:22Then have a few friends down, you know, from the City
42:24and we'd have a private party in a pub yonder.
42:27A few glasses of the old Moet,
42:31'cause I'm a champagne and liver sausage sandwich man, me.
42:33[audience laughs]
42:35And then we'd watch the old currant bun go down
42:38behind the Docklands Arena.
42:41Oh yeah...
42:42Paradise.
42:44And after a few years
42:46when the old property prices start to rocket,
42:50we'd knock it out to some rich Arab
42:52for twice the purchase price.
42:56Lovely Jubbly!
42:58[audience laughs]
43:01You alright, Albert?
43:02Yeah, I'm alright, love.
43:04You didn't have to go running off like that,
43:06Del didn't mean anything.
43:08I know, he explained it to me.
43:11It's just that I felt...
43:13I felt like a failure.
43:15I'm not a coward, Raquel.
43:17There was nothing I could do, there was six of 'em!
43:20-[audience laughs] -I know.
43:23Albert, nobody thinks you're...
43:25Six of them?
43:26[audience laughs]
43:29Where's Rodney?
43:30He went out for a drink. Again!
43:32Well, that explains it.
43:34I met a couple of winos this afternoon
43:36drunk as newts they were...
43:38said they were celebrating St Rodney's Day.
43:41[audience laughs]
43:42I hope he hasn't gone to the Nag's Head!
43:44Why, what's happening down there tonight?
43:45Nothing! I just hope he hasn't gone down the Nag's Head!
43:53[doorbell rings]
43:55Is that the bell, Del?
43:56Yes. Yeah, I'll...
43:58No, you'll get it, will ya? I'm busy.
44:02Raquel!
44:03No, Raquel can't go.
44:04She's busy and all. You answer it.
44:06-Me? -Mm! You!
44:09Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of, is there?
44:10I'm here, ain't I?
44:12You're gonna have to answer the door sometime or another,
44:14it might as well be now.
44:16[doorbell rings]
44:17Albert, answer the door!
44:26-Who's there? -Knock-Knock.
44:28[audience laughs]
44:33It's Knock-Knock!
44:34Oh, is it?
44:37I can't see him, Del!
44:39Of course you can't see him.
44:40You haven't opened the door yet!
44:42I don't wanna see him!
44:43I can't face it, Del!
44:45Alright, alright. Look, I'll go, I'll go...
44:48You can talk to Knock-Knock, Albert.
44:50He's your friend.
44:51I don't wanna talk to him, not at the moment.
44:53But he's most probably come to see how you are.
44:55He might have brought you a bunch of grapes.
44:57No, I'm not feeling all that well.
45:01I think I'll go to my room.
45:03Oi.
45:04You stay right where you are!
45:10Yes, that was Knock-Knock.
45:12And look, he brought this back for you.
45:14That was a bit of luck, weren't it?
45:16Oh, it's your pocket watch, Albert.
45:18Where's he get it from?
45:19He found it under the bushes
45:20on that patch of grass near the swings.
45:23What, where Albert was mugged last week?
45:24No! Where Albert and Knock-Knock,
45:27whilst walking home from the pub last week, had a fight!
45:31[audience laughs]
45:32They had a fight?
45:33Yes, over Marlene's mum!
45:36And Knock-Knock knocked him out!
45:39[audience laughs]
45:40You never were mugged, were you? You lying old git!
45:44But what about his money that went missing?
45:45Well, he lost it all, didn't he?
45:48At dominoes to Knock-Knock!
45:51Oh Albert!
45:53I didn't know what to say!
45:54I felt silly, losing to a man
45:56three years older than meself.
45:58He kept saying he was better than me at everything.
46:00So I squared up to him
46:03-and he hit me! -[audience laughs]
46:04Do you realise the problems that you've put us to?
46:07I mean, the police have been out there
46:08making investigations.
46:10I've been running round looking for five muggers.
46:11-Six! -Six?
46:14Oh it's six now, is it? Any more offers?
46:16I was embarrassed!
46:18Once I'd said it I couldn't go back.
46:21[front door slams]
46:22Oh Derek!
46:23You should have been down the Nag's Head.
46:25There was the punch-up to end all punch-ups!
46:27Why? What happened, then?
46:29Well, that gang of skinheads was in there, right?
46:30The ones that Del said had mugged Albert.
46:32Anyway, you know oily Ollie, the greaser, right?
46:34His gang's come in
46:35they've only attacked the skinheads.
46:37Cor, there was blood up the wall,
46:38there was grease on the ceiling.
46:40Ollie and his boys took a right hammering!
46:43It turns out them skinheads aren't skinheads at all.
46:45They're coppers!
46:46-[audience laughs] -They're what?
46:48They're undercover policemen.
46:50They was put on the estate a couple of weeks back
46:51when the muggings started.
46:54Oh no! Oh my God!
46:57What's up, Del?
46:59Well, anyone...
47:01Anyone would have done the same thing, wouldn't they, eh?
47:03You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
47:07Well, I wanted to get revenge for that dozy old twonk!
47:10-[audience laughs] -So I sort of...
47:13I gave Ollie 100 quid to sort it out.
47:15Oh for God's sake!
47:17This baby will be born premature
47:19if I hang around you much longer!
47:20Yeah well, be fair, sweetheart.
47:22They looked like muggers, didn't they?
47:24Well, when Oliver and his army get out of hospital...
47:27I've got a fair idea
47:29where their first port of call is gonna be!
47:32Yeah, me too.
47:33Well, they better not try anything with me around!
47:36I was Royal Navy boxing champion.
47:39I'm gonna kill him! I am!
47:40I'm gonna kill him now!
47:41[audience laughs]
47:44-[upbeat music] -[audience applauds]
47:47* We got some half-price cracked ice *
47:49* And miles and miles of carpet tiles *
47:51* TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs *
47:54* Ball games, gold chains *
47:55* Whatsanames and how to push 'em *
47:57* Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherds Bush *
48:00* Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush *
48:02* No income tax, no VAT *
48:05* No money back, no guarantee *
48:09* Black or white, rich or poor *
48:12* We'll cut prices at a stroke *
48:17* God bless Hookey Street *
48:19* Viva Hookey Street *
48:23* Long live Hookey Street *
48:25* C'est magnifique, Hookey Street *
48:29* Magnifique Hookey Street *
48:33* Hookey Street *
48:36* Hookey Street *
48:39* Hookey Street *